The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Second Childhood of Herbert T. Gillis - full transcript
Herbert doesn't seem to think that Dobie's upcoming graduation from high school is a big deal. And he doesn't like the idea that the school's yearbook committee wants to publish the parents' old high school graduation photos alongside their graduating son/daughter. The reason for both, which he confesses to Winnie, is that he never graduated, personal and world circumstances preventing that from ever happening. Winnie convinces him to attend night school so that he can finally graduate. When he learns that his night school History teacher, Mr. Milfloss, teaches regular high school, Herbert decides to use a pseudonym in class just in case Mr. Milfloss knows Dobie, who he doesn't want to know about either him going to night school or never having graduated. He figures he can let administration know his real name when all is said and done. Indeed, Mr. Milfloss is Dobie's History teacher, who is teaching his night school class the same curriculum as his regular high school class, meaning that Dobie is going through the exact same material at exactly the same time as Herbert. In the guise of helping Dobie with his homework, Herbert is really copying Dobie's essays, turning them in as his own. The problem then becomes that Mr. Milfloss receives two identical homework assignments, he who needs to find out who the plagiarist is, which means that either Herbert and/or Dobie may not graduate.
♪ - ABOVE THE SCHOOL
WE LOVE SO WELL ♪
♪ OUR PRECIOUS CENTRAL HIGH ♪
♪ AND THERE THE BRAVE
OLD CENTRAL BELL ♪
♪ RESOUNDS ACROSS THE SKY ♪
- ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- YEP. THE BIG DAY
IS ALMOST HERE,
MY GRADUATION FROM
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.
BUT THERE WERE
TIMES WHEN I THOUGHT
IT'D NEVER ARRIVE,
LIKE EVERY TIME I GOT MY GRADES
OR LIKE THE TIME ALL
THE TROUBLE STARTED
ON THE FIRST DAY IN
MY SENIOR SEMESTER.
THAT WAS WHEN I RAN HOME
ALL BUBBLING OVER
ABOUT GRADUATING.
AND DAD WAS EXCITED, TOO.
- SO YOU'RE
GRADUATING. BIG DEAL.
- BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE A
PART OF MY GRADUATION.
- I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'D
GIVE YOU THE SIX BUCKS
FOR THAT WACKY CAP AND
GOWN. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
- A PICTURE OF YOU AND
MOM IN THE CAPS AND GOWNS
YOU WORE WHEN YOU
GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
THE YEARBOOK'S GONNA PUBLISH
FAMILY PICTURES OF
ALL THE GRADUATES.
- WHY, WHAT AN ADORABLE IDEA.
MY GRADUATION PICTURE'S
IN THAT OLD TRUNK
UP IN THE ATTIC.
WHERE'S YOURS, HERBERT?
WHO KNOWS? FORGET IT.
FORGET IT?!
WHAT A SHOCKING ATTITUDE,
WHEN YOUR SON
ASKED YOU TO BE A PART
OF A VERY IMPORTANT
EVENT IN HIS LIFE.
DON'T WORRY, DARLING.
I'LL FIND YOUR FATHER'S HIGH
SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE.
- WINNIE, I ABSOLUTELY
FORBID YOU
TO WASTE TIME ON
SUCH FOOLISHNESS.
- WHY, HERBERT T.
GILLIS, I AM STUNNED.
YOU CALL YOURSELF A GOOD FATHER,
BUT YOU ACT LIKE A
RUDE, BOISTEROUS,
UNPOLISHED, UNREFINED BOOR.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, HI, MRS.
G., MR. G., DOBE G.
DOBE G., THAT'S YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- I KNOW, MAYNARD. I KNOW.
- UH, MAYNARD, DEAR,
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN
IMPORTANT FAMILY DISCUSSION.
- YEAH.
- YEAH? WHAT'D I MISS?
- MAYNARD, PEOPLE WHO BUTT INTO
OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS
ARE NOT CONSIDERED
POLITE PEOPLE.
- YEAH, THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE
ARE REAL LOWDOWN TYPE OF PEOPLE.
OKAY. START AGAIN. THIS
LOWDOWN PEOPLE'S READY.
- OH, MAYNARD, DEAR.
- YES, MRS. G.?
- NO OFFENSE, BUSTER,
BUT WHY DON'T
YOU JUST FLAKE OFF?
- GEE, THANKS, MRS. G.
YOU TALK LIKE THAT,
I FEEL LIKE I'M HOME.
- I'M SORRY.
- YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM.
I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS ANYHOW
AND START MY HOMEWORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD, I MEANT THE KIND
OF THING WE DO AT SCHOOL,
NOT THE OTHER KIND.
- THE OTHER KIND OF WHAT?
- WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD, COME ON.
- HERBERT, SOMETHING'S
BOTHERING YOU.
- NOTHING'S BOTHERING ME.
IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T
AFFORD TO WASTE TIME
CRAWLING AROUND IN
SOME CRUMMY ATTIC,
TRYING TO FIND SOME
CRUMMY OLD PICTURE.
- WHY, HERBERT.
- WELL, THAT'S
RIGHT. AND I BELIEVE...
OH, WINNIE-POO, I'M A BUM.
THE REASON I CAN'T
GIVE OUR DEAR BOY
THE PICTURE HE WANTS
IS BECAUSE HIS RESPECTED,
HONORED, BELOVED FATHER,
WHO LOVES HIM,
IS A STUPID,
UNEDUCATED IGNORAMUS
WHO NEVER GRADUATED
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
- NO.
- YES.
AND I'M ASHAMED TO TELL HIM.
- OH, HERBERT, DEAR.
- WELL, IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
I HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL
AND GO TO WORK
TO GET ENOUGH MONEY
SO I COULD FINISH
SCHOOL AND GET A DIPLOMA.
BUT BEFORE I SAVED
ENOUGH MONEY TO GO BACK,
ALONG CAME WWII. I ENLISTED.
THEN I MET YOU,
AND WE GOT MARRIED.
AND I TOOK OVER THE STORE.
AND WHAT WITH DOBIE ON THE WAY
AND TRYING TO MAKE
BOTH ENDS MEET,
I NEVER DID GET BACK
TO GET MY DIPLOMA.
- WHY, DEAR, I NEVER KNEW.
- IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE ALL
OF A GUY THAT COUNTS,
NOT JUST WHAT'S INSIDE ONE
PART OF HIM, LIKE HIS HEAD.
THIS IS AMERICA.
AND, OH, WINNIE-POO, I
AM A MISERABLE FLOP.
AND OUR DEAR BOY
IS BEING BROUGHT UP BY A
STUPID, UNEDUCATED IGNORAMUS.
- WHY, DEAR, IT'S NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
LOTS OF STUPID,
UNEDUCATED IGNOR...
WONDERFUL PEOPLE
NEVER GRADUATED
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
- WINNIE-POO,
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME
TRYING TO CHEER ME UP.
ANYBODY WHO GETS
THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL
CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A STUPID,
UNEDUCATED IGNORAMUS.
- LIKE ME, LIKE ME,
MR. MILFLOSS, SIR?
- LIKE YOU, LIKE YOU, MR. KREBS.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
WHO WROTE "THE STAR
SPANGLED BANNER?"
- MR. MILFLOSS, SIR...
- NO, MR. KREBS,
I WILL NOT REPEAT THE QUESTION.
- THEN WOULD YOU...
- NO, MR. KREBS,
I WILL NOT GIVE YOU 45
MINUTES TO DO RESEARCH.
- THEN WOULD YOU...
NO, YOU'D NEVER DO IT.
- GO ON. SURPRISE
ME. I'D NEVER DO WHAT?
- SEND ME OUT ON A
MYSTERIOUS ERRAND
TO KEEP ME AWAY
TILL SCHOOL'S OUT,
SO I DON'T GIVE A WRONG
ANSWER TO THE QUESTION.
- YOU'RE RIGHT,
MR. KREBS. I'D NEVER DO IT.
SEE? I WAS, LIKE, RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS. THERE'S,
LIKE, A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
- MR. MILFLOSS, MAYNARD
WOULD HAVE KNOWN THE ANSWER,
BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE
TIME TO FINISH STUDYING.
YOU SEE, WE WERE BOTH...
- THERE'S NO NEED TO
DEFEND HIM, MR. GILLIS.
HE'S, LIKE, NO WORSE THAN MANY
OTHER MEMBERS OF THIS CLASS.
I FIND IT A HIGHLY
DEPRESSING SITUATION.
HERE YOU YOUNG PEOPLE ARE GIVEN
A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN,
TO IMPROVE YOURSELVES,
TO PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE,
AND YOU WASTE IT.
WHAT A TRAGEDY.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY.
- HE'S GETTING, LIKE, ALL MISTY.
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF
PEOPLE RIGHT HERE IN THIS COUNTRY,
IN OUR OWN CITY, WHO
WOULD GIVE ANYTHING
TO BE SITTING IN YOUR SEATS.
- WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY CAN HAVE MINE.
- MAYNARD.
- YOU SEE, YOU ARE
NOT THE ONLY STUDENTS
I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE...
AND I USE THE TERM
UNDER DURESS...
OF TEACHING.
AT NIGHT, I CONDUCT SEVERAL
ADULT EDUCATION CLASSES.
- MAN, HOW CAN YOU,
LIKE, EDUCATE ADULTS?
THEY'RE, LIKE, TOO FAR GONE.
- NOT QUITE, MR. KREBS.
THE PEOPLE WHO
COME TO NIGHT SCHOOL
AFTER LONG HOURS IN
FACTORIES AND MILLS AND OFFICES
WORK MUCH HARDER THAN ANY OF YOU
TO LEARN THE THINGS YOU
ARE TAKING FOR GRANTED.
AND MOST OF THEM ARE
WONDERFULLY CONSCIENTIOUS,
SHARP AS A TACK, EAGER STUDENTS.
- ME GO TO NIGHT SCHOOL? HA!
- YOU ARE ENROLLING TONIGHT.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL EVER
GET YOUR HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
- WINNIE, AT MY AGE, I DON'T
NEED A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
WHAT I NEED IS SOFT
FOOD AND A ROCKING CHAIR.
- HERBERT.
- OH, WELL, I WANT TO DO
WHAT'S RIGHT BY DOBIE,
BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO GRADUATE?
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
- WHY, YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
GRADUATION IS SOMETHING
THAT YOU REALLY WANT.
- OH, I SUPPOSE SO.
BUT I'D BE EMBARRASSED GOING
OVER THERE TO NIGHT SCHOOL.
- YOU'LL BE EMBARRASSED IF
YOU DON'T GO. NEXT OBJECTION?
- DOBIE WILL LAUGH ME CRAZY.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN.
WE WON'T TELL DOBIE
UNTIL AFTER YOU GRADUATE.
THEN HE'LL BE SO PROUD,
HE WOULDN'T EVEN
THINK OF LAUGHING.
NEXT OBJECTION.
- WHAT IF I FLUNK?
I TAKE THAT BACK.
HERBERT T. GILLIS,
WHEN I START OUT
TO DO SOMETHING,
FLUNK? IMPOSSIBLE.
- OUT OF THE QUESTION.
NEXT OBJECTION.
- NOW... OH, WINNIE, YOU
GOT YOUR HEAD MADE UP
THAT I'M GONNA
GRADUATE, SO WHY FIGHT IT?
- OH, DARLING, THIS IS
THE FINEST, BRAVEST THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- WELL, I WOULD.
- OH, I'M A LOVING
HUSBAND, SO I WON'T ARGUE.
- RIGHT.
- I DON'T FEEL
GOOD. MY FEET HURT.
- OH, THERE. THERE, THERE, DEAR.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT IN TIME.
- NO, I WON'T.
- OF COURSE YOU WILL.
- I FEEL LIKE I WANNA HIDE.
- NOW, THERE, THERE, HERBERT.
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU OUTSIDE.
- OH, PLEASE, DON'T
LEAVE ME NOW.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
- GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
MY NAME IS MILFLOSS,
MONTY W. MILFLOSS.
- MONTY W. MILFLOSS?
- I'M TO BE YOUR TEACHER
DURING THIS COMING,
LET US HOPE, HAPPY SEMESTER.
NOW, LET'S FILL OUT THESE
ENROLLMENT CARDS, PLEASE.
PASS THEM BACK, PLEASE.
PASS THEM BACK.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT TRYING
TO FLATTER YOU FOLKS.
- SHE'S JUST A VISITOR.
- OH, THANK YOU.
BUT I ENJOY TEACHING
THESE ADULT CLASSES
EVEN MORE THAN MY
REGULAR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSES
DURING THE DAY.
- OH, THIS IS MURDER, WINNIE.
IF HE TEACHES DURING THE DAY,
HE'S BOUND TO KNOW DOBIE.
- SO?
- SO THE MINUTE HE
HEARS MY NAME IS GILLIS,
HE'LL OPEN HIS BIG YAP,
AND DOBIE WILL
LEARN ALL ABOUT IT,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I
EVER LET YOU TALK ME INTO IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- IT'S TOO LATE
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW.
- NO, IT IS NOT.
- PLEASE STOP THAT
WHISPERING THERE.
AND IF THERE ARE ANY
QUESTIONS, ASK ME,
MISTER... UH,
MISTER, UH... MISTER?
- DOBBS, FRED C. DOBBS.
AND THEN, YOU SEE,
AFTER I GRADUATE,
I SAY, MY NAME IS
NOT FRED C. DOBBS.
IT IS HERBERT T. GILLIS,
AND THEY HAVE TO GIVE ME
MY DIPLOMA IN MY RIGHT NAME.
SMART, HUH?
- BRILLIANT.
- HEY, YOU KNOW, I
THINK I'M GONNA LIKE THIS.
MY HOMEWORK, AMERICAN HISTORY.
OH, BOY.
THE ADMINISTRATION OF
PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE...
MILLARD FILLMORE
WAS A PRESIDENT?
- MM-HMM.
THE ADMINISTRATION OF
PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE
BEGAN ON JULY 10, 1850.
WHEN HE SUCCEEDED...
YOU KNOW, WINNIE,
THIS COULD GET TOUGH.
- HI, MOM, DAD.
- SON.
- OH, HELLO, DEAR.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- AT THE LIBRARY STUDYING.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS
NOW AND FINISH.
THIS AMERICAN
HISTORY'S THE WILDEST.
- AMERICAN HISTORY? YOU MEAN,
ABOUT PRESIDENTS AND SENATORS
AND PRESIDENTS
NOBODY EVER HEARD OF
AND STUFF LIKE THAT THERE?
- RIGHT. I'M PLENTY GOOD AT IT,
EVEN IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.
- MM-HMM.
PRESIDENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY,
HOW SAY YOU... HOW'D
YOU LIKE YOUR OLD DAD
TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK?
- YEAH, THANKS, DAD.
BUT THIS IS ONE SUBJECT
WHERE I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.
- BUT YOUR OLD DAD WANTS TO
HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
ABOUT ANY OLD PRESIDENT THAT
HAPPENS TO CROSS YOUR MIND.
- OH? LIKE THEODORE ROOSEVELT?
- LIKE MILLARD FILLMORE.
- MILLARD FILLMORE?
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD MENTION HIM
BECAUSE I'M KIND OF AN
EXPERT ON HIS ADMINISTRATION.
- OH, HA HA HA.
- YEAH, YOU SEE,
HE WAS A VICE PRESIDENT
UNDER ZACHARY TAYLOR.
AND ZACHARY TAYLOR...
- MILLARD FILLMORE WAS A WHIG?
RIDICULOUS! THAT'S WHAT
HE WORE, NOT WHAT HE WAS.
- NO, DAD. HE WAS A MEMBER
OF THE WHIG POLITICAL PARTY.
THEY WERE AN EARLY GROUP
OF CONSERVATIVE STATESMEN.
- OH, THAT WHIG. HA HA. YEAH.
- YEAH. YEAH.
WELL, I GUESS I'VE DONE
ENOUGH STUDYING FOR TODAY.
- OH, BUT I HAVEN'T. I MEAN,
I HAVEN'T HEARD YOU
RECITE ALL YOU KNOW
ABOUT PRESIDENT FILLMORE.
YOU KNOW, I WANT YOU TO
GET GOOD MARKS ON YOUR TEST.
- OH, OH. OKAY, DAD.
YOU KNOW, I SURE APPRECIATE
THIS BIG INTEREST YOU'RE
TAKING IN MY STUDIES LATELY.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER.
- OH, JUST SAY A GOOD
AMERICAN WWII VETERAN,
GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL,
ALL THAT SORT OF JAZZ.
- YEAH.
- READ, BOY, OUT LOUD.
- OH, YEAH. YEAH.
MILLARD FILLMORE,
THE 13th PRESIDENT...
- A WHIG.
- OH, YEAH. YEAH. OKAY. UH-HUH.
WAS BORN JANUARY
7, 1800, IN A LOG CABIN
ON A FARM IN CAYUGA
COUNTY, NEW YORK.
HI, DAD.
- HI, SON.
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND
THERE DOING NOTHING.
START STUDYING.
- GEE, I JUST GOT HOME.
I GOTTA GO UPSTAIRS AND
GET MY BOOKS ANYWAYS.
- DON'T BOTHER, BOY.
I BROUGHT 'EM DOWN HERE FOR YOU.
HERE YOU ARE, MILLARD FILLMORE,
PAGE 208, PARAGRAPH THREE.
NOW START STUDYING, BOY.
- HERE, DAD?
- AND NOW.
- OH, OKAY. IF YOU SAY SO.
UH, LET'S SEE, PRESIDENT
MILLARD FILLMORE...
- A WHIG IF THERE EVER WAS ONE.
- YEAH, DAD. YEAH. UH-HUH.
APPOINTED DANIEL WEBSTER
AS HIS SECRETARY
OF STATE IN 1850.
- HEY, DOBE, HOW COME YOU'RE
SO SMART IN SCHOOL THESE DAYS?
- OH, I'M NOT SO SMART, MAYNARD.
- YEAH, I GUESS YOU AIN'T.
- WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
CHANGE YOUR MIND SO FAST.
I'M PRETTY SMART.
- YOU SURE ARE, SNOOKUMS.
WHENEVER MR. MILFLOSS
CALLS ON YOU,
YOU POP RIGHT UP WITH
ALL THE RIGHT ANSWERS.
- YEAH, ESPECIALLY ABOUT THAT
PRESIDENT FILLARD MILLMORE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
MILLARD FILLMORE.
- YEAH, HIM TOO.
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
OWE IT ALL TO MY FATHER.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT DAD'S CHANGED
SO DARN MUCH LATELY.
I MEAN, EVERY AFTERNOON, HE
DOES MY HOMEWORK WITH ME.
HE MAKES ME RECITE MY
LESSON OVER AND OVER.
HE'S REALLY MAKING
A STUDENT OUT OF ME.
- YEAH. WHEN THEY
GET TO HIS AGE,
THEY KIND OF DEVELOP A
FLABBINESS IN THE HEAD.
- MAYNARD.
- YOUR FATHER'S FINALLY
USING GOOD SENSE, SNOOKUMS.
NOW YOU'LL START
GETTING GOOD GRADES
AND GRADUATE WITH HONORS
AND BE ADMITTED TO A BIG COLLEGE,
AND THEN I WON'T HAVE TO
SUPPORT US WHEN WE'RE MARRIED.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
- SOMEBODY'S GOTTA NAG
YOU ON TO SUCCESS, LOVER,
BECAUSE WITHOUT NAGGING,
YOU'RE A HOPELESS CASE.
- LIKE ME.
NOT QUITE THAT HOPELESS.
OH, ZELDA. I GOTTA ADMIT
THE NAGGING'S HELPFUL.
I'VE BEEN WRITING
THESE SMASHING ESSAYS,
AND EVERY ONE'S BETTER
THAN THE LAST ONE.
- THIS ESSAY'S EVEN
BETTER THAN YOUR LAST ONE.
HOW'D YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT MILLARD FILLMORE?
- WELL, SOME FELLAS
SPECIALIZE IN SPACE TRAVEL
AND OTHERS IN ATOMIC PHYSICS
AND SOME IN BATTING AVERAGES.
ME, I JUST HAPPEN TO SPECIALIZE
IN MILLARD FILLMORE, A WHIG.
- LA-DI-DAH. NAME ME
ONE GUY WITH ANY BRAINS
WHO EVER HEARD
OF MILLARD FILLMORE.
- ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU,
CALLAHAN, AND ZING INTO ORBIT.
- STOP THAT, OR I'LL KEEP
YOU BOTH IN FOR RECESS.
THAT'S BETTER.
LET'S MOVE AHEAD WITH OUR
STUDY OF AMERICAN HISTORY.
FOR TOMORROW'S ASSIGNMENT,
I'D LIKE THE CLASS
TO PREPARE AN ESSAY,
OH, ABOUT 500 WORDS,
ON THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE.
I WANT TO COMPARE YOUR WORK
WITH THE WORK OF
MY REGULAR CLASSES.
I'VE GIVEN THEM THE
SAME ASSIGNMENT.
- LOUISIANA PURCHASE,
WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND
OUT ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
- THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, DAD,
WE'RE STUDYING ABOUT
IT IN CLASS RIGHT NOW.
- NO.
- YES.
- SAY, I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU START STUDYING
RIGHT NOW, AND I'LL HELP YOU.
- GEE, THANKS, DAD.
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
WORKING HERE IN THE STORE NOW.
- NEVER MIND THAT. YOUR
LESSONS SHOULD COME FIRST.
- BUT I NEED THE MONEY YOU
KEEP PROMISING TO PAY ME.
- WELL, NOBODY CAN EVER
SAY THAT HERBERT T. GILLIS
IS AGAINST EDUCATION. SO
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL PROMISE TO PAY
YOU THE SAME SALARY
IF YOU'LL JUST BUCKLE DOWN
AND DO YOUR SCHOOLWORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD.
- OH...
- LIKE, HI, MR. G., DOBE.
GOOD BUDDY, I'M, LIKE,
WORRIED ABOUT GRADUATING.
- WHAT'S THERE TO WORRY ABOUT?
- WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY
WORRIED ABOUT GRADUATING.
IT'S MORE LIKE NOT GRADUATING.
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. MM-HMM.
- MR. G., WOULD YOU MAYBE,
LIKE, HELP ME A LITTLE CHUNK,
LIKE YOU DO SOMETIMES WITH DOBE?
- WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE?
- NOTHIN'. I NEVER BEEN NEAR
THE STATE OF INDIANAPOLIS.
- WELL, THAT'S A GREAT HELP.
COME ON, SON. LET'S TAKE A SWIPE
AT THIS LOUISIANA PURCHASE, HUH?
- WELL, OKAY, DAD.
WELL, THE LOUISIANA TERRITORY
WAS PURCHASED FROM FRANCE
BY PRESIDENT THOMAS JEFFERSON.
- PROBABLY A WHIG.
- NO, DAD.
- WELL, EVERYBODY
COULDN'T BE WHIGS.
- NO. NO. NO.
- GO AHEAD.
- YOU SEE, PRESIDENT
THOMAS JEFFERSON
DECIDED THAT THIS COUNTRY...
- "SHOULD GAIN
POSSESSION OF THE AREA
"KNOWN AS THE
LOUISIANA TERRITORY,
"EXTENDING FROM THE MISSISSIPPI
TO THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS.
"THIS WAS THE BEGINNING
OF THE WESTWARD MOVEMENT
IN THE UNITED
STATES." THANK YOU.
- CONGRATULATIONS
AGAIN, MR. DOBBS.
AS USUAL, AN EXCELLENT
PIECE OF WORK.
- WELL, YOU ARE NOT
PLAYING WITH KIDS, YOU KNOW.
- IN FACT, IT COMPARES
FAVORABLY TO WORK
DONE BY STUDENTS IN MY
REGULAR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSES.
- OH, WHAT DO THEM
JUVENILES KNOW?
- I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU,
DREAMBOAT, ANOTHER "A".
- I DON'T WANT TO
APPEAR IMMODEST,
BUT I'M PROUD OF ME, TOO.
- DOBIE, YOUR ESSAY
ON THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE
WAS EXCELLENT WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD.
- YOUR ESSAY WAS REALLY
SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
- YOU SEE, POOPSIE?
WHEN YOU BUCKLE DOWN,
YOU'RE REALLY A
CRACKERJACK STUDENT.
AND THAT MEANS THAT SOME
DAY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SUPPORT ME
IN A STYLE TO WHICH I
SHOULD BECOME ACCUSTOMED.
- ZELDA! I'M BEING BRILLIANT,
AND SHE'S WRINKLING.
- DOBIE, I DON'T QUITE
KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS, BUT...
WELL, HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL
THESE ASSIGNMENTS YOURSELF?
- SURE. OH, MY DAD HELPS BY
LISTENING TO ME SOMETIMES.
BUT HE NEVER DOES MY ASSIGNMENTS
OR WRITES ESSAYS
FOR ME OR LIKE THAT.
- HMM. WELL, THEN,
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
DO YOU KNOW A MAN
NAMED FRED C. DOBBS?
- DOBBS. DOBBS? NO.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO, SIR.
- NO, I DON'T KNOW HIM EITHER.
- MAYNARD.
- I KNOW A FELLA
NAMED FRED G. TIBBLES.
- MAYNARD.
- NO. NO.
SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE,
AND I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHAT.
- I THINK HIS NAME
IS FRED G. TIBBLES.
IT COULD BE ARTHUR H. TIBBLES.
IT'S A BIG FAMILY.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
MR. MILFLOSS, WHAT
IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?
- I'M NOT SURE YET, BUT STAND BY
WHILE I TURN THESE GLASSES IN
FOR A COUPLE OF PRIVATE EYES.
- WELL, MAYBE IT
WAS HENRY C. TIBBLES.
- Both: MAYNARD.
- MR. DOBBS, WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE CONSTRUCTION
OF THE PANAMA CANAL?
- NOT MUCH, MR. MILFLOSS,
BUT I AM DEAD GAME TO FIND OUT.
HOW LONG DO YOU WANT THE ESSAY?
- HOW DOES 500 WORDS SOUND?
- OH, IT SOUNDS GREAT
TO ME. YOU SHALL HAVE IT.
- I THINK I'VE ALREADY HAD IT.
- HUH?
- OH, NEVER MIND.
JUST WRITE THE ESSAY.
- THAT I WILL, AND YOU
WILL LEARN A BARRELFUL.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
- "PANAMA CANAL ZONE
"HAS AN AREA OF
553 SQUARE MILES,
"OF WHICH 371 SQUARE
MILES ARE LAND.
IT'S 50 MILES ALONG, AT
LEAST 300 FEET WIDE..."
- HOLD IT, BOY. YOU'RE
GOING TOO FAST.
- TOO FAST?
- I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
MUMBLING AND SPEEDING
ALONG LIKE THAT.
SLOW DOWN. GIVE IT
A CHANCE TO SINK IN.
- OH. OH, THANKS, DAD.
- MY PLEASURE, SON.
- YEAH. THE, UH,
PANA... MA... C...
DAD, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING THERE?
- OH, JUST MAKING SOME NOTES,
SO I CAN ASK YOU
QUESTIONS LATER ON,
KEEP YOU ON YOUR TOES.
- OH?
NO FAIR CHEATING.
- SORRY, DAD. SORRY. UH-HUH.
- HA HA HA. YEAH.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU START AT
THE BEGINNING AND REAL SLOW,
TAKE IT SO THAT YOUR OLD
BRAIN CAN GRAB HOLD, HUH?
- UH-HUH, GOOD THINKING,
DAD. GOOD THINKING.
LET'S SEE, THE PANAMA
CANAL ZONE HAS AN AREA...
- "553 SQUARE MILES
"OF WHICH 371 SQUARE
MILES ARE LAND.
"IT IS 50 MILES LONG,
AT LEAST 300 FEET WIDE...
- Both: AT THE BOTTOM OF
THE EXCAVATED CHANNEL AND...
- AND HOLD IT, MR. DOBBS.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
- BUT I AIN'T FINISHED YET.
- WANNA BET?
- HUH?
- I HAVE SEVERAL SERIOUS
WORDS TO SAY ABOUT THAT ESSAY.
- OH, TOO DEEP, HUH?
- NO.
- TOO FANCY?
- NO.
- TOO HIGH-TONED?
- TOO STOLEN.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- IT'S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE
THAT SOMEBODY STOLE IT FROM YOU.
- OH, WELL,
I ADMIT IT'S PRETTY
HIGH-CLASS STUFF,
BUT WHY WOULD ANYONE GO
AROUND BURGLING ESSAYS?
- I CAN'T IMAGINE.
BUT A PUPIL IN MY DAYTIME CLASS
BY THE NAME OF DOBIE GILLIS...
- DOBIE GILLIS
DIDN'T STEAL NOTHIN'.
- HUH? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WELL, BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD BOY,
AND HE WOULDN'T STEAL ANYTHING
BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD BOY.
- DO YOU KNOW HIM?
- NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
WELL, IT'S JUST
THAT, UH, ANY KID
WITH A NAME LIKE DOBIE GILLIS
DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE THE KIND OF KID
WHO'D RUN AROUND,
UH, STEALING ESSAYS.
- MR. DOBBS, THERE
IS SOMETHING STRANGE
GOING ON IN THE PANAMA
CANAL, ISN'T THERE?
- WELL, YOU SEE...
- ALSO THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE
AND MILLARD FILLMORE.
- OH, YOU...
- DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL
ABOUT THIS GILLIS BOY?
- OH, NO. NO. DON'T
GO TO THE PRINCIPAL
BECAUSE THIS GILLIS BOY
DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING.
THE GILLIS BOY IS NOT GUILTY.
WELL, AT LEAST
NOT THAT GILLIS BOY.
[GROANS]
IT'S THIS GILLIS BOY.
- OH, HI, DAD.
- HI.
SON, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
- DAD, I'M JUST STUDYING ABOUT
PRESIDENT CHESTER A. ARTHUR.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP ME?
- FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT STUFF.
MY SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER FOREVER.
BOY, I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
- A CONFESSION?
- YEAH, A TERRIBLE,
MISERABLE CONFESSION.
BUT BEFORE YOU START CALLING
ME A BUMMER AND A CHEAT,
I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER
ALL THE GOOD THINGS
I'VE DONE FOR YOU.
- DAD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER
LIKE, WHEN I BROUGHT YOU
THAT TEDDY BEAR TO THE HOSPITAL
WHEN YOU WAS ONLY A DAY OLD.
- I'M AFRAID I DON'T
REMEMBER THAT, DAD.
- OH, SURE, YOU DO, BOY.
AND REMEMBER HOW I BROUGHT
YOU HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL
AND PUT YOU IN THAT LITTLE CRIB
WHEN YOU WAS HARDLY AS BIG
AS A 10-POUND SACK OF FLOUR?
- I THINK I WAS A
LITTLE TOO YOUNG, DAD.
- OH, YOU WERE
NOT. YOU REMEMBER.
REMEMBER HOW I WALKED THE FLOOR
WITH YOU WHEN YOU HAD THE COLIC?
- NO, DAD.
- NOW I WANT YOU
TO REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS
WHEN I TELL YOU ABOUT
THE TERRIBLE THING I'VE DONE.
- YOU, DAD? IMPOSSIBLE.
- NO, IT WAS LOWDOWN AND SNEAKY.
- NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- WHAT KIND OF A
SON ARE YOU ANYWAY,
DISAGREEING WITH
YOUR OWN FATHER?
- DAD.
- I AM AN HONEST MAN.
AND WHEN I SAY THAT
I'VE BEEN DISHONEST,
WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU
GOT NOT TO BELIEVE ME?
OH. OH, FORGIVE ME, DEAR BOY.
YOU KNOW, I ENROLLED
IN THAT NIGHT SCHOOL
SO THAT I COULD FINALLY GET
MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA, SEE?
BUT THEN I STARTED
COPYING YOUR HOMEWORK
AND GETTING GRADES
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE.
- DAD, I HAD NO IDEA.
- REMEMBER THE TEDDY BEAR.
REMEMBER HOW I
SHOVED YOU IN THAT CRIB.
- DAD...
- AND REMEMBER HOW I
WALKED THE FLOOR WITH YOU
WHEN MY FEET WERE KILLING ME...
AND HOW THE FLOOR WAS SO COLD,
TWICE, I ALMOST CAUGHT MY DEATH.
- PLEASE, DAD, CALM DOWN.
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
- IT WILL?
- COURSE IT WILL.
- YOU MEAN YOU CAN FORGIVE
ME FOR LETTING YOU DOWN?
- SURE, DAD.
- AND FOR SETTING YOU
SUCH A BAD EXAMPLE?
- RIGHT.
- AND FOR DISGRACING YOU
IN FRONT OF THE
WHOLE HIGH SCHOOL?
- SURE. SURE.
- AND FOR GETTING CAUGHT?
- YOU GOT CAUGHT?
LOOK, DAD, I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID.
BUT I KNOW YOU MUST
HAVE HAD A REASON,
AND I'M GONNA STICK
WITH YOU, NO MATTER WHAT.
- OH, BLESS YOU, DEAR BOY.
A POOR, MISERABLE FATHER LIKE ME
DON'T DESERVE A FINE,
UPSTANDING SON LIKE YOU.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE,
DAD. YOU'RE A FINE...
- AND THERE YOU ARE,
DISAGREEING WITH ME AGAIN,
BUT I'LL LET IT PASS.
- LISTEN, DAD, WE'LL SEE
THIS THROUGH TOGETHER,
YOU AND MOM AND ME.
- THEN HOW COULD I LOSE?
I'LL GO DOWN TO
THAT SCHOOL BOARD
AND TELL THEM JUST
HOW IT HAPPENED.
THEY'VE GOT TO GIVE ME
ANOTHER CHANCE, DON'T THEY, BOY?
- SURE, DAD. SURE.
- WHY, SURE, THEY DO.
WHY, YOU CAN'T BEAT A MAN
WHEN HE'S STANDING
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER
WITH HIS LOYAL FAMILY.
OH, BRING ON THAT SCHOOL BOARD.
I'M GONNA FIGHT LIKE A TIGER.
RAHHHRR!
PLEASE, MR. MILFLOSS,
DON'T KICK ME OUT.
OH, I BEG YOU.
- THE SCHOOL BOARD HAS DECIDED
THAT IN LIGHT OF
THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
YOU WILL NOT BE PUNISHED,
AND YOU'LL BE GIVEN THE CHANCE
TO REWRITE ALL THE ESSAYS
THAT YOU COPIED FROM YOUR SON,
THIS TIME WITHOUT HELP.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. MILFLOSS.
AND DON'T YOU LET ME CATCH
YOU HELPING ME ANYMORE,
OR THE FUR'S GONNA FLY, BOY.
- DAD, DAD...
- MR. MILFLOSS, YOU
MEAN THAT MY HUSBAND
WILL BE ABLE TO
GRADUATE AFTER ALL?
- IF HIS EXAMINATIONS AND
ESSAYS ARE SATISFACTORY,
HE'LL RECEIVE HIS DIPLOMA
ALONG WITH THE GRADUATES
OF THE REGULAR HIGH SCHOOL.
- OH, HERBERT, ISN'T
THAT WONDERFUL?
- NAH, DON'T WORRY, MOM.
DAD WILL PASS THAT EXAM EASY.
- SURE HE WILL, MRS. GILLIS.
- HE WILL.
- HE WILL.
- HE WILL.
- HE WILL?
- WHAT WERE THE
PRINCIPAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS
OF THE ADMINISTRATION
OF JAMES K. POLK?
HE WAS A PRESIDENT TOO?
- I GOT MY FINGERS
CROSSED FOR HIM.
- SO HAVE I.
- SO HAVE I.
- ME TOO.
- MAYNARD.
- TIME'S UP, MR. GILLIS.
- BUT IF HE WAS...
- I'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT.
- A WHIG, HE WAS
NOT THE BEST WHIG
BECAUSE THE BEST WHIG
WAS MILLARD FILLMORE.
OR WAS IT CHESTER A. ARTHUR?
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- DAD, HOW'S IT GOING?
- NOW, DON'T BE NERVOUS
OR STUTTER OR MUMBLE, STUDENTS.
THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE SCARED ABOUT.
- LIKE, THERE, THERE,
MR. MILFLOSS, SIR.
- LIKE, TH-TH-THANK
YOU, MAYNARD.
REMEMBER, THE PEOPLE IN THERE,
WAITING FOR YOUR GRADUATION,
ARE YOUR OWN
FRIENDS AND RELATIVES.
WH-WHERE ARE THE
REST OF THE GRADUATES?
- WE'RE IT, MR. MILFLOSS.
- YEAH, THE END OF THE LINE.
- OH, NO YOU AREN'T. THERE
ARE TWO MORE GRADUATES,
GRADUATES I'M VERY PROUD OF.
THE CEREMONY DOESN'T
GO ON UNTIL THEY GET HERE.
- OTHER GRADUATES?
- LIKE WHO?
- LIKE US. WAIT.
- HEY, HOLD IT.
YOU CAN'T GRADUATE WITHOUT US.
I'VE BEEN WAITING
25 YEARS FOR THIS.
HEY, HOW DO I LOOK?
- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
- MY WIFE AND KIDS ARE
WAITING IN THERE TO WATCH ME.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
STOP SHOVING, CALLAHAN.
- NOW, LISTEN, DOBBS.
- THE NAME IS GILLIS, AND...
- HEY, DAD.
- AND I DON'T THINK US
GRADUATES SHOULD BE ARGUING.
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- THAT'S MY DAD.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY.
- ME TOO. NOW, COME ON.
LET'S GET THIS LINE MOVING.
♪ - ABOVE THE SCHOOL
WE LOVE SO WELL ♪
♪ OUR PRECIOUS CENTRAL HIGH ♪
♪ AND THERE THE... ♪
- AND TO THINK I COULD
HAVE GONE INTO REAL ESTATE.
- DAD?
- I'M BACK HERE
TAKING INVENTORY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- DAD, WE JUST GOT THE PROOFS
OF OUR GRADUATION PICTURES.
THEY LOOK GREAT.
- BIG DEAL.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS DROP
THAT GRADUATION TALK ALREADY?
- DOBE, I GOTTA GIVE
YOUR FATHER CREDIT.
HE DIDN'T LET GRADUATING
FROM HIGH SCHOOL
STOP HIM FROM BEING
MEAN AND ROTTEN.
- NO OFFENSE.
DAD, IT WAS THE BIGGEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO US.
- A GRADUATION'S A GRADUATION.
STOP YAKKING ABOUT IT, WILL YA?
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GAWKING AT?
AIN'T YOU NEVER SEEN A HIGH
SCHOOL GRADUATE BEFORE?
HA HA HA.
- ♪ ABOVE THE SCHOOL
WE LOVE SO WELL ♪
♪ OUR PRECIOUS CENTRAL HIGH... ♪
- OH, HA HA HA.
- ♪ AND THERE THE BRAVE OLD
CENTRAL BELL RESOUNDS... ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
WE LOVE SO WELL ♪
♪ OUR PRECIOUS CENTRAL HIGH ♪
♪ AND THERE THE BRAVE
OLD CENTRAL BELL ♪
♪ RESOUNDS ACROSS THE SKY ♪
- ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- YEP. THE BIG DAY
IS ALMOST HERE,
MY GRADUATION FROM
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.
BUT THERE WERE
TIMES WHEN I THOUGHT
IT'D NEVER ARRIVE,
LIKE EVERY TIME I GOT MY GRADES
OR LIKE THE TIME ALL
THE TROUBLE STARTED
ON THE FIRST DAY IN
MY SENIOR SEMESTER.
THAT WAS WHEN I RAN HOME
ALL BUBBLING OVER
ABOUT GRADUATING.
AND DAD WAS EXCITED, TOO.
- SO YOU'RE
GRADUATING. BIG DEAL.
- BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE A
PART OF MY GRADUATION.
- I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'D
GIVE YOU THE SIX BUCKS
FOR THAT WACKY CAP AND
GOWN. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
- A PICTURE OF YOU AND
MOM IN THE CAPS AND GOWNS
YOU WORE WHEN YOU
GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
THE YEARBOOK'S GONNA PUBLISH
FAMILY PICTURES OF
ALL THE GRADUATES.
- WHY, WHAT AN ADORABLE IDEA.
MY GRADUATION PICTURE'S
IN THAT OLD TRUNK
UP IN THE ATTIC.
WHERE'S YOURS, HERBERT?
WHO KNOWS? FORGET IT.
FORGET IT?!
WHAT A SHOCKING ATTITUDE,
WHEN YOUR SON
ASKED YOU TO BE A PART
OF A VERY IMPORTANT
EVENT IN HIS LIFE.
DON'T WORRY, DARLING.
I'LL FIND YOUR FATHER'S HIGH
SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE.
- WINNIE, I ABSOLUTELY
FORBID YOU
TO WASTE TIME ON
SUCH FOOLISHNESS.
- WHY, HERBERT T.
GILLIS, I AM STUNNED.
YOU CALL YOURSELF A GOOD FATHER,
BUT YOU ACT LIKE A
RUDE, BOISTEROUS,
UNPOLISHED, UNREFINED BOOR.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, HI, MRS.
G., MR. G., DOBE G.
DOBE G., THAT'S YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- I KNOW, MAYNARD. I KNOW.
- UH, MAYNARD, DEAR,
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN
IMPORTANT FAMILY DISCUSSION.
- YEAH.
- YEAH? WHAT'D I MISS?
- MAYNARD, PEOPLE WHO BUTT INTO
OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS
ARE NOT CONSIDERED
POLITE PEOPLE.
- YEAH, THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE
ARE REAL LOWDOWN TYPE OF PEOPLE.
OKAY. START AGAIN. THIS
LOWDOWN PEOPLE'S READY.
- OH, MAYNARD, DEAR.
- YES, MRS. G.?
- NO OFFENSE, BUSTER,
BUT WHY DON'T
YOU JUST FLAKE OFF?
- GEE, THANKS, MRS. G.
YOU TALK LIKE THAT,
I FEEL LIKE I'M HOME.
- I'M SORRY.
- YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM.
I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS ANYHOW
AND START MY HOMEWORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD, I MEANT THE KIND
OF THING WE DO AT SCHOOL,
NOT THE OTHER KIND.
- THE OTHER KIND OF WHAT?
- WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD, COME ON.
- HERBERT, SOMETHING'S
BOTHERING YOU.
- NOTHING'S BOTHERING ME.
IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T
AFFORD TO WASTE TIME
CRAWLING AROUND IN
SOME CRUMMY ATTIC,
TRYING TO FIND SOME
CRUMMY OLD PICTURE.
- WHY, HERBERT.
- WELL, THAT'S
RIGHT. AND I BELIEVE...
OH, WINNIE-POO, I'M A BUM.
THE REASON I CAN'T
GIVE OUR DEAR BOY
THE PICTURE HE WANTS
IS BECAUSE HIS RESPECTED,
HONORED, BELOVED FATHER,
WHO LOVES HIM,
IS A STUPID,
UNEDUCATED IGNORAMUS
WHO NEVER GRADUATED
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
- NO.
- YES.
AND I'M ASHAMED TO TELL HIM.
- OH, HERBERT, DEAR.
- WELL, IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
I HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL
AND GO TO WORK
TO GET ENOUGH MONEY
SO I COULD FINISH
SCHOOL AND GET A DIPLOMA.
BUT BEFORE I SAVED
ENOUGH MONEY TO GO BACK,
ALONG CAME WWII. I ENLISTED.
THEN I MET YOU,
AND WE GOT MARRIED.
AND I TOOK OVER THE STORE.
AND WHAT WITH DOBIE ON THE WAY
AND TRYING TO MAKE
BOTH ENDS MEET,
I NEVER DID GET BACK
TO GET MY DIPLOMA.
- WHY, DEAR, I NEVER KNEW.
- IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE ALL
OF A GUY THAT COUNTS,
NOT JUST WHAT'S INSIDE ONE
PART OF HIM, LIKE HIS HEAD.
THIS IS AMERICA.
AND, OH, WINNIE-POO, I
AM A MISERABLE FLOP.
AND OUR DEAR BOY
IS BEING BROUGHT UP BY A
STUPID, UNEDUCATED IGNORAMUS.
- WHY, DEAR, IT'S NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
LOTS OF STUPID,
UNEDUCATED IGNOR...
WONDERFUL PEOPLE
NEVER GRADUATED
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
- WINNIE-POO,
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME
TRYING TO CHEER ME UP.
ANYBODY WHO GETS
THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL
CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A STUPID,
UNEDUCATED IGNORAMUS.
- LIKE ME, LIKE ME,
MR. MILFLOSS, SIR?
- LIKE YOU, LIKE YOU, MR. KREBS.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
WHO WROTE "THE STAR
SPANGLED BANNER?"
- MR. MILFLOSS, SIR...
- NO, MR. KREBS,
I WILL NOT REPEAT THE QUESTION.
- THEN WOULD YOU...
- NO, MR. KREBS,
I WILL NOT GIVE YOU 45
MINUTES TO DO RESEARCH.
- THEN WOULD YOU...
NO, YOU'D NEVER DO IT.
- GO ON. SURPRISE
ME. I'D NEVER DO WHAT?
- SEND ME OUT ON A
MYSTERIOUS ERRAND
TO KEEP ME AWAY
TILL SCHOOL'S OUT,
SO I DON'T GIVE A WRONG
ANSWER TO THE QUESTION.
- YOU'RE RIGHT,
MR. KREBS. I'D NEVER DO IT.
SEE? I WAS, LIKE, RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS. THERE'S,
LIKE, A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
- MR. MILFLOSS, MAYNARD
WOULD HAVE KNOWN THE ANSWER,
BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE
TIME TO FINISH STUDYING.
YOU SEE, WE WERE BOTH...
- THERE'S NO NEED TO
DEFEND HIM, MR. GILLIS.
HE'S, LIKE, NO WORSE THAN MANY
OTHER MEMBERS OF THIS CLASS.
I FIND IT A HIGHLY
DEPRESSING SITUATION.
HERE YOU YOUNG PEOPLE ARE GIVEN
A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN,
TO IMPROVE YOURSELVES,
TO PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE,
AND YOU WASTE IT.
WHAT A TRAGEDY.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY.
- HE'S GETTING, LIKE, ALL MISTY.
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF
PEOPLE RIGHT HERE IN THIS COUNTRY,
IN OUR OWN CITY, WHO
WOULD GIVE ANYTHING
TO BE SITTING IN YOUR SEATS.
- WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY CAN HAVE MINE.
- MAYNARD.
- YOU SEE, YOU ARE
NOT THE ONLY STUDENTS
I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE...
AND I USE THE TERM
UNDER DURESS...
OF TEACHING.
AT NIGHT, I CONDUCT SEVERAL
ADULT EDUCATION CLASSES.
- MAN, HOW CAN YOU,
LIKE, EDUCATE ADULTS?
THEY'RE, LIKE, TOO FAR GONE.
- NOT QUITE, MR. KREBS.
THE PEOPLE WHO
COME TO NIGHT SCHOOL
AFTER LONG HOURS IN
FACTORIES AND MILLS AND OFFICES
WORK MUCH HARDER THAN ANY OF YOU
TO LEARN THE THINGS YOU
ARE TAKING FOR GRANTED.
AND MOST OF THEM ARE
WONDERFULLY CONSCIENTIOUS,
SHARP AS A TACK, EAGER STUDENTS.
- ME GO TO NIGHT SCHOOL? HA!
- YOU ARE ENROLLING TONIGHT.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL EVER
GET YOUR HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
- WINNIE, AT MY AGE, I DON'T
NEED A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
WHAT I NEED IS SOFT
FOOD AND A ROCKING CHAIR.
- HERBERT.
- OH, WELL, I WANT TO DO
WHAT'S RIGHT BY DOBIE,
BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO GRADUATE?
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
- WHY, YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
GRADUATION IS SOMETHING
THAT YOU REALLY WANT.
- OH, I SUPPOSE SO.
BUT I'D BE EMBARRASSED GOING
OVER THERE TO NIGHT SCHOOL.
- YOU'LL BE EMBARRASSED IF
YOU DON'T GO. NEXT OBJECTION?
- DOBIE WILL LAUGH ME CRAZY.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN.
WE WON'T TELL DOBIE
UNTIL AFTER YOU GRADUATE.
THEN HE'LL BE SO PROUD,
HE WOULDN'T EVEN
THINK OF LAUGHING.
NEXT OBJECTION.
- WHAT IF I FLUNK?
I TAKE THAT BACK.
HERBERT T. GILLIS,
WHEN I START OUT
TO DO SOMETHING,
FLUNK? IMPOSSIBLE.
- OUT OF THE QUESTION.
NEXT OBJECTION.
- NOW... OH, WINNIE, YOU
GOT YOUR HEAD MADE UP
THAT I'M GONNA
GRADUATE, SO WHY FIGHT IT?
- OH, DARLING, THIS IS
THE FINEST, BRAVEST THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- WELL, I WOULD.
- OH, I'M A LOVING
HUSBAND, SO I WON'T ARGUE.
- RIGHT.
- I DON'T FEEL
GOOD. MY FEET HURT.
- OH, THERE. THERE, THERE, DEAR.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT IN TIME.
- NO, I WON'T.
- OF COURSE YOU WILL.
- I FEEL LIKE I WANNA HIDE.
- NOW, THERE, THERE, HERBERT.
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU OUTSIDE.
- OH, PLEASE, DON'T
LEAVE ME NOW.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
- GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
MY NAME IS MILFLOSS,
MONTY W. MILFLOSS.
- MONTY W. MILFLOSS?
- I'M TO BE YOUR TEACHER
DURING THIS COMING,
LET US HOPE, HAPPY SEMESTER.
NOW, LET'S FILL OUT THESE
ENROLLMENT CARDS, PLEASE.
PASS THEM BACK, PLEASE.
PASS THEM BACK.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT TRYING
TO FLATTER YOU FOLKS.
- SHE'S JUST A VISITOR.
- OH, THANK YOU.
BUT I ENJOY TEACHING
THESE ADULT CLASSES
EVEN MORE THAN MY
REGULAR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSES
DURING THE DAY.
- OH, THIS IS MURDER, WINNIE.
IF HE TEACHES DURING THE DAY,
HE'S BOUND TO KNOW DOBIE.
- SO?
- SO THE MINUTE HE
HEARS MY NAME IS GILLIS,
HE'LL OPEN HIS BIG YAP,
AND DOBIE WILL
LEARN ALL ABOUT IT,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I
EVER LET YOU TALK ME INTO IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- IT'S TOO LATE
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW.
- NO, IT IS NOT.
- PLEASE STOP THAT
WHISPERING THERE.
AND IF THERE ARE ANY
QUESTIONS, ASK ME,
MISTER... UH,
MISTER, UH... MISTER?
- DOBBS, FRED C. DOBBS.
AND THEN, YOU SEE,
AFTER I GRADUATE,
I SAY, MY NAME IS
NOT FRED C. DOBBS.
IT IS HERBERT T. GILLIS,
AND THEY HAVE TO GIVE ME
MY DIPLOMA IN MY RIGHT NAME.
SMART, HUH?
- BRILLIANT.
- HEY, YOU KNOW, I
THINK I'M GONNA LIKE THIS.
MY HOMEWORK, AMERICAN HISTORY.
OH, BOY.
THE ADMINISTRATION OF
PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE...
MILLARD FILLMORE
WAS A PRESIDENT?
- MM-HMM.
THE ADMINISTRATION OF
PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE
BEGAN ON JULY 10, 1850.
WHEN HE SUCCEEDED...
YOU KNOW, WINNIE,
THIS COULD GET TOUGH.
- HI, MOM, DAD.
- SON.
- OH, HELLO, DEAR.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- AT THE LIBRARY STUDYING.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS
NOW AND FINISH.
THIS AMERICAN
HISTORY'S THE WILDEST.
- AMERICAN HISTORY? YOU MEAN,
ABOUT PRESIDENTS AND SENATORS
AND PRESIDENTS
NOBODY EVER HEARD OF
AND STUFF LIKE THAT THERE?
- RIGHT. I'M PLENTY GOOD AT IT,
EVEN IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.
- MM-HMM.
PRESIDENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY,
HOW SAY YOU... HOW'D
YOU LIKE YOUR OLD DAD
TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK?
- YEAH, THANKS, DAD.
BUT THIS IS ONE SUBJECT
WHERE I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.
- BUT YOUR OLD DAD WANTS TO
HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
ABOUT ANY OLD PRESIDENT THAT
HAPPENS TO CROSS YOUR MIND.
- OH? LIKE THEODORE ROOSEVELT?
- LIKE MILLARD FILLMORE.
- MILLARD FILLMORE?
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD MENTION HIM
BECAUSE I'M KIND OF AN
EXPERT ON HIS ADMINISTRATION.
- OH, HA HA HA.
- YEAH, YOU SEE,
HE WAS A VICE PRESIDENT
UNDER ZACHARY TAYLOR.
AND ZACHARY TAYLOR...
- MILLARD FILLMORE WAS A WHIG?
RIDICULOUS! THAT'S WHAT
HE WORE, NOT WHAT HE WAS.
- NO, DAD. HE WAS A MEMBER
OF THE WHIG POLITICAL PARTY.
THEY WERE AN EARLY GROUP
OF CONSERVATIVE STATESMEN.
- OH, THAT WHIG. HA HA. YEAH.
- YEAH. YEAH.
WELL, I GUESS I'VE DONE
ENOUGH STUDYING FOR TODAY.
- OH, BUT I HAVEN'T. I MEAN,
I HAVEN'T HEARD YOU
RECITE ALL YOU KNOW
ABOUT PRESIDENT FILLMORE.
YOU KNOW, I WANT YOU TO
GET GOOD MARKS ON YOUR TEST.
- OH, OH. OKAY, DAD.
YOU KNOW, I SURE APPRECIATE
THIS BIG INTEREST YOU'RE
TAKING IN MY STUDIES LATELY.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER.
- OH, JUST SAY A GOOD
AMERICAN WWII VETERAN,
GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL,
ALL THAT SORT OF JAZZ.
- YEAH.
- READ, BOY, OUT LOUD.
- OH, YEAH. YEAH.
MILLARD FILLMORE,
THE 13th PRESIDENT...
- A WHIG.
- OH, YEAH. YEAH. OKAY. UH-HUH.
WAS BORN JANUARY
7, 1800, IN A LOG CABIN
ON A FARM IN CAYUGA
COUNTY, NEW YORK.
HI, DAD.
- HI, SON.
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND
THERE DOING NOTHING.
START STUDYING.
- GEE, I JUST GOT HOME.
I GOTTA GO UPSTAIRS AND
GET MY BOOKS ANYWAYS.
- DON'T BOTHER, BOY.
I BROUGHT 'EM DOWN HERE FOR YOU.
HERE YOU ARE, MILLARD FILLMORE,
PAGE 208, PARAGRAPH THREE.
NOW START STUDYING, BOY.
- HERE, DAD?
- AND NOW.
- OH, OKAY. IF YOU SAY SO.
UH, LET'S SEE, PRESIDENT
MILLARD FILLMORE...
- A WHIG IF THERE EVER WAS ONE.
- YEAH, DAD. YEAH. UH-HUH.
APPOINTED DANIEL WEBSTER
AS HIS SECRETARY
OF STATE IN 1850.
- HEY, DOBE, HOW COME YOU'RE
SO SMART IN SCHOOL THESE DAYS?
- OH, I'M NOT SO SMART, MAYNARD.
- YEAH, I GUESS YOU AIN'T.
- WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
CHANGE YOUR MIND SO FAST.
I'M PRETTY SMART.
- YOU SURE ARE, SNOOKUMS.
WHENEVER MR. MILFLOSS
CALLS ON YOU,
YOU POP RIGHT UP WITH
ALL THE RIGHT ANSWERS.
- YEAH, ESPECIALLY ABOUT THAT
PRESIDENT FILLARD MILLMORE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
MILLARD FILLMORE.
- YEAH, HIM TOO.
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
OWE IT ALL TO MY FATHER.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT DAD'S CHANGED
SO DARN MUCH LATELY.
I MEAN, EVERY AFTERNOON, HE
DOES MY HOMEWORK WITH ME.
HE MAKES ME RECITE MY
LESSON OVER AND OVER.
HE'S REALLY MAKING
A STUDENT OUT OF ME.
- YEAH. WHEN THEY
GET TO HIS AGE,
THEY KIND OF DEVELOP A
FLABBINESS IN THE HEAD.
- MAYNARD.
- YOUR FATHER'S FINALLY
USING GOOD SENSE, SNOOKUMS.
NOW YOU'LL START
GETTING GOOD GRADES
AND GRADUATE WITH HONORS
AND BE ADMITTED TO A BIG COLLEGE,
AND THEN I WON'T HAVE TO
SUPPORT US WHEN WE'RE MARRIED.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
- SOMEBODY'S GOTTA NAG
YOU ON TO SUCCESS, LOVER,
BECAUSE WITHOUT NAGGING,
YOU'RE A HOPELESS CASE.
- LIKE ME.
NOT QUITE THAT HOPELESS.
OH, ZELDA. I GOTTA ADMIT
THE NAGGING'S HELPFUL.
I'VE BEEN WRITING
THESE SMASHING ESSAYS,
AND EVERY ONE'S BETTER
THAN THE LAST ONE.
- THIS ESSAY'S EVEN
BETTER THAN YOUR LAST ONE.
HOW'D YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT MILLARD FILLMORE?
- WELL, SOME FELLAS
SPECIALIZE IN SPACE TRAVEL
AND OTHERS IN ATOMIC PHYSICS
AND SOME IN BATTING AVERAGES.
ME, I JUST HAPPEN TO SPECIALIZE
IN MILLARD FILLMORE, A WHIG.
- LA-DI-DAH. NAME ME
ONE GUY WITH ANY BRAINS
WHO EVER HEARD
OF MILLARD FILLMORE.
- ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU,
CALLAHAN, AND ZING INTO ORBIT.
- STOP THAT, OR I'LL KEEP
YOU BOTH IN FOR RECESS.
THAT'S BETTER.
LET'S MOVE AHEAD WITH OUR
STUDY OF AMERICAN HISTORY.
FOR TOMORROW'S ASSIGNMENT,
I'D LIKE THE CLASS
TO PREPARE AN ESSAY,
OH, ABOUT 500 WORDS,
ON THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE.
I WANT TO COMPARE YOUR WORK
WITH THE WORK OF
MY REGULAR CLASSES.
I'VE GIVEN THEM THE
SAME ASSIGNMENT.
- LOUISIANA PURCHASE,
WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND
OUT ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
- THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, DAD,
WE'RE STUDYING ABOUT
IT IN CLASS RIGHT NOW.
- NO.
- YES.
- SAY, I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU START STUDYING
RIGHT NOW, AND I'LL HELP YOU.
- GEE, THANKS, DAD.
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
WORKING HERE IN THE STORE NOW.
- NEVER MIND THAT. YOUR
LESSONS SHOULD COME FIRST.
- BUT I NEED THE MONEY YOU
KEEP PROMISING TO PAY ME.
- WELL, NOBODY CAN EVER
SAY THAT HERBERT T. GILLIS
IS AGAINST EDUCATION. SO
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL PROMISE TO PAY
YOU THE SAME SALARY
IF YOU'LL JUST BUCKLE DOWN
AND DO YOUR SCHOOLWORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD.
- OH...
- LIKE, HI, MR. G., DOBE.
GOOD BUDDY, I'M, LIKE,
WORRIED ABOUT GRADUATING.
- WHAT'S THERE TO WORRY ABOUT?
- WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY
WORRIED ABOUT GRADUATING.
IT'S MORE LIKE NOT GRADUATING.
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. MM-HMM.
- MR. G., WOULD YOU MAYBE,
LIKE, HELP ME A LITTLE CHUNK,
LIKE YOU DO SOMETIMES WITH DOBE?
- WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE?
- NOTHIN'. I NEVER BEEN NEAR
THE STATE OF INDIANAPOLIS.
- WELL, THAT'S A GREAT HELP.
COME ON, SON. LET'S TAKE A SWIPE
AT THIS LOUISIANA PURCHASE, HUH?
- WELL, OKAY, DAD.
WELL, THE LOUISIANA TERRITORY
WAS PURCHASED FROM FRANCE
BY PRESIDENT THOMAS JEFFERSON.
- PROBABLY A WHIG.
- NO, DAD.
- WELL, EVERYBODY
COULDN'T BE WHIGS.
- NO. NO. NO.
- GO AHEAD.
- YOU SEE, PRESIDENT
THOMAS JEFFERSON
DECIDED THAT THIS COUNTRY...
- "SHOULD GAIN
POSSESSION OF THE AREA
"KNOWN AS THE
LOUISIANA TERRITORY,
"EXTENDING FROM THE MISSISSIPPI
TO THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS.
"THIS WAS THE BEGINNING
OF THE WESTWARD MOVEMENT
IN THE UNITED
STATES." THANK YOU.
- CONGRATULATIONS
AGAIN, MR. DOBBS.
AS USUAL, AN EXCELLENT
PIECE OF WORK.
- WELL, YOU ARE NOT
PLAYING WITH KIDS, YOU KNOW.
- IN FACT, IT COMPARES
FAVORABLY TO WORK
DONE BY STUDENTS IN MY
REGULAR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSES.
- OH, WHAT DO THEM
JUVENILES KNOW?
- I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU,
DREAMBOAT, ANOTHER "A".
- I DON'T WANT TO
APPEAR IMMODEST,
BUT I'M PROUD OF ME, TOO.
- DOBIE, YOUR ESSAY
ON THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE
WAS EXCELLENT WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD.
- YOUR ESSAY WAS REALLY
SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
- YOU SEE, POOPSIE?
WHEN YOU BUCKLE DOWN,
YOU'RE REALLY A
CRACKERJACK STUDENT.
AND THAT MEANS THAT SOME
DAY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SUPPORT ME
IN A STYLE TO WHICH I
SHOULD BECOME ACCUSTOMED.
- ZELDA! I'M BEING BRILLIANT,
AND SHE'S WRINKLING.
- DOBIE, I DON'T QUITE
KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS, BUT...
WELL, HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL
THESE ASSIGNMENTS YOURSELF?
- SURE. OH, MY DAD HELPS BY
LISTENING TO ME SOMETIMES.
BUT HE NEVER DOES MY ASSIGNMENTS
OR WRITES ESSAYS
FOR ME OR LIKE THAT.
- HMM. WELL, THEN,
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
DO YOU KNOW A MAN
NAMED FRED C. DOBBS?
- DOBBS. DOBBS? NO.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO, SIR.
- NO, I DON'T KNOW HIM EITHER.
- MAYNARD.
- I KNOW A FELLA
NAMED FRED G. TIBBLES.
- MAYNARD.
- NO. NO.
SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE,
AND I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHAT.
- I THINK HIS NAME
IS FRED G. TIBBLES.
IT COULD BE ARTHUR H. TIBBLES.
IT'S A BIG FAMILY.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
MR. MILFLOSS, WHAT
IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?
- I'M NOT SURE YET, BUT STAND BY
WHILE I TURN THESE GLASSES IN
FOR A COUPLE OF PRIVATE EYES.
- WELL, MAYBE IT
WAS HENRY C. TIBBLES.
- Both: MAYNARD.
- MR. DOBBS, WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE CONSTRUCTION
OF THE PANAMA CANAL?
- NOT MUCH, MR. MILFLOSS,
BUT I AM DEAD GAME TO FIND OUT.
HOW LONG DO YOU WANT THE ESSAY?
- HOW DOES 500 WORDS SOUND?
- OH, IT SOUNDS GREAT
TO ME. YOU SHALL HAVE IT.
- I THINK I'VE ALREADY HAD IT.
- HUH?
- OH, NEVER MIND.
JUST WRITE THE ESSAY.
- THAT I WILL, AND YOU
WILL LEARN A BARRELFUL.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
- "PANAMA CANAL ZONE
"HAS AN AREA OF
553 SQUARE MILES,
"OF WHICH 371 SQUARE
MILES ARE LAND.
IT'S 50 MILES ALONG, AT
LEAST 300 FEET WIDE..."
- HOLD IT, BOY. YOU'RE
GOING TOO FAST.
- TOO FAST?
- I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
MUMBLING AND SPEEDING
ALONG LIKE THAT.
SLOW DOWN. GIVE IT
A CHANCE TO SINK IN.
- OH. OH, THANKS, DAD.
- MY PLEASURE, SON.
- YEAH. THE, UH,
PANA... MA... C...
DAD, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING THERE?
- OH, JUST MAKING SOME NOTES,
SO I CAN ASK YOU
QUESTIONS LATER ON,
KEEP YOU ON YOUR TOES.
- OH?
NO FAIR CHEATING.
- SORRY, DAD. SORRY. UH-HUH.
- HA HA HA. YEAH.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU START AT
THE BEGINNING AND REAL SLOW,
TAKE IT SO THAT YOUR OLD
BRAIN CAN GRAB HOLD, HUH?
- UH-HUH, GOOD THINKING,
DAD. GOOD THINKING.
LET'S SEE, THE PANAMA
CANAL ZONE HAS AN AREA...
- "553 SQUARE MILES
"OF WHICH 371 SQUARE
MILES ARE LAND.
"IT IS 50 MILES LONG,
AT LEAST 300 FEET WIDE...
- Both: AT THE BOTTOM OF
THE EXCAVATED CHANNEL AND...
- AND HOLD IT, MR. DOBBS.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
- BUT I AIN'T FINISHED YET.
- WANNA BET?
- HUH?
- I HAVE SEVERAL SERIOUS
WORDS TO SAY ABOUT THAT ESSAY.
- OH, TOO DEEP, HUH?
- NO.
- TOO FANCY?
- NO.
- TOO HIGH-TONED?
- TOO STOLEN.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- IT'S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE
THAT SOMEBODY STOLE IT FROM YOU.
- OH, WELL,
I ADMIT IT'S PRETTY
HIGH-CLASS STUFF,
BUT WHY WOULD ANYONE GO
AROUND BURGLING ESSAYS?
- I CAN'T IMAGINE.
BUT A PUPIL IN MY DAYTIME CLASS
BY THE NAME OF DOBIE GILLIS...
- DOBIE GILLIS
DIDN'T STEAL NOTHIN'.
- HUH? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WELL, BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD BOY,
AND HE WOULDN'T STEAL ANYTHING
BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD BOY.
- DO YOU KNOW HIM?
- NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
WELL, IT'S JUST
THAT, UH, ANY KID
WITH A NAME LIKE DOBIE GILLIS
DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE THE KIND OF KID
WHO'D RUN AROUND,
UH, STEALING ESSAYS.
- MR. DOBBS, THERE
IS SOMETHING STRANGE
GOING ON IN THE PANAMA
CANAL, ISN'T THERE?
- WELL, YOU SEE...
- ALSO THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE
AND MILLARD FILLMORE.
- OH, YOU...
- DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL
ABOUT THIS GILLIS BOY?
- OH, NO. NO. DON'T
GO TO THE PRINCIPAL
BECAUSE THIS GILLIS BOY
DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING.
THE GILLIS BOY IS NOT GUILTY.
WELL, AT LEAST
NOT THAT GILLIS BOY.
[GROANS]
IT'S THIS GILLIS BOY.
- OH, HI, DAD.
- HI.
SON, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
- DAD, I'M JUST STUDYING ABOUT
PRESIDENT CHESTER A. ARTHUR.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP ME?
- FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT STUFF.
MY SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER FOREVER.
BOY, I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
- A CONFESSION?
- YEAH, A TERRIBLE,
MISERABLE CONFESSION.
BUT BEFORE YOU START CALLING
ME A BUMMER AND A CHEAT,
I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER
ALL THE GOOD THINGS
I'VE DONE FOR YOU.
- DAD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER
LIKE, WHEN I BROUGHT YOU
THAT TEDDY BEAR TO THE HOSPITAL
WHEN YOU WAS ONLY A DAY OLD.
- I'M AFRAID I DON'T
REMEMBER THAT, DAD.
- OH, SURE, YOU DO, BOY.
AND REMEMBER HOW I BROUGHT
YOU HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL
AND PUT YOU IN THAT LITTLE CRIB
WHEN YOU WAS HARDLY AS BIG
AS A 10-POUND SACK OF FLOUR?
- I THINK I WAS A
LITTLE TOO YOUNG, DAD.
- OH, YOU WERE
NOT. YOU REMEMBER.
REMEMBER HOW I WALKED THE FLOOR
WITH YOU WHEN YOU HAD THE COLIC?
- NO, DAD.
- NOW I WANT YOU
TO REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS
WHEN I TELL YOU ABOUT
THE TERRIBLE THING I'VE DONE.
- YOU, DAD? IMPOSSIBLE.
- NO, IT WAS LOWDOWN AND SNEAKY.
- NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- WHAT KIND OF A
SON ARE YOU ANYWAY,
DISAGREEING WITH
YOUR OWN FATHER?
- DAD.
- I AM AN HONEST MAN.
AND WHEN I SAY THAT
I'VE BEEN DISHONEST,
WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU
GOT NOT TO BELIEVE ME?
OH. OH, FORGIVE ME, DEAR BOY.
YOU KNOW, I ENROLLED
IN THAT NIGHT SCHOOL
SO THAT I COULD FINALLY GET
MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA, SEE?
BUT THEN I STARTED
COPYING YOUR HOMEWORK
AND GETTING GRADES
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE.
- DAD, I HAD NO IDEA.
- REMEMBER THE TEDDY BEAR.
REMEMBER HOW I
SHOVED YOU IN THAT CRIB.
- DAD...
- AND REMEMBER HOW I
WALKED THE FLOOR WITH YOU
WHEN MY FEET WERE KILLING ME...
AND HOW THE FLOOR WAS SO COLD,
TWICE, I ALMOST CAUGHT MY DEATH.
- PLEASE, DAD, CALM DOWN.
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
- IT WILL?
- COURSE IT WILL.
- YOU MEAN YOU CAN FORGIVE
ME FOR LETTING YOU DOWN?
- SURE, DAD.
- AND FOR SETTING YOU
SUCH A BAD EXAMPLE?
- RIGHT.
- AND FOR DISGRACING YOU
IN FRONT OF THE
WHOLE HIGH SCHOOL?
- SURE. SURE.
- AND FOR GETTING CAUGHT?
- YOU GOT CAUGHT?
LOOK, DAD, I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID.
BUT I KNOW YOU MUST
HAVE HAD A REASON,
AND I'M GONNA STICK
WITH YOU, NO MATTER WHAT.
- OH, BLESS YOU, DEAR BOY.
A POOR, MISERABLE FATHER LIKE ME
DON'T DESERVE A FINE,
UPSTANDING SON LIKE YOU.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE,
DAD. YOU'RE A FINE...
- AND THERE YOU ARE,
DISAGREEING WITH ME AGAIN,
BUT I'LL LET IT PASS.
- LISTEN, DAD, WE'LL SEE
THIS THROUGH TOGETHER,
YOU AND MOM AND ME.
- THEN HOW COULD I LOSE?
I'LL GO DOWN TO
THAT SCHOOL BOARD
AND TELL THEM JUST
HOW IT HAPPENED.
THEY'VE GOT TO GIVE ME
ANOTHER CHANCE, DON'T THEY, BOY?
- SURE, DAD. SURE.
- WHY, SURE, THEY DO.
WHY, YOU CAN'T BEAT A MAN
WHEN HE'S STANDING
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER
WITH HIS LOYAL FAMILY.
OH, BRING ON THAT SCHOOL BOARD.
I'M GONNA FIGHT LIKE A TIGER.
RAHHHRR!
PLEASE, MR. MILFLOSS,
DON'T KICK ME OUT.
OH, I BEG YOU.
- THE SCHOOL BOARD HAS DECIDED
THAT IN LIGHT OF
THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
YOU WILL NOT BE PUNISHED,
AND YOU'LL BE GIVEN THE CHANCE
TO REWRITE ALL THE ESSAYS
THAT YOU COPIED FROM YOUR SON,
THIS TIME WITHOUT HELP.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. MILFLOSS.
AND DON'T YOU LET ME CATCH
YOU HELPING ME ANYMORE,
OR THE FUR'S GONNA FLY, BOY.
- DAD, DAD...
- MR. MILFLOSS, YOU
MEAN THAT MY HUSBAND
WILL BE ABLE TO
GRADUATE AFTER ALL?
- IF HIS EXAMINATIONS AND
ESSAYS ARE SATISFACTORY,
HE'LL RECEIVE HIS DIPLOMA
ALONG WITH THE GRADUATES
OF THE REGULAR HIGH SCHOOL.
- OH, HERBERT, ISN'T
THAT WONDERFUL?
- NAH, DON'T WORRY, MOM.
DAD WILL PASS THAT EXAM EASY.
- SURE HE WILL, MRS. GILLIS.
- HE WILL.
- HE WILL.
- HE WILL.
- HE WILL?
- WHAT WERE THE
PRINCIPAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS
OF THE ADMINISTRATION
OF JAMES K. POLK?
HE WAS A PRESIDENT TOO?
- I GOT MY FINGERS
CROSSED FOR HIM.
- SO HAVE I.
- SO HAVE I.
- ME TOO.
- MAYNARD.
- TIME'S UP, MR. GILLIS.
- BUT IF HE WAS...
- I'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT.
- A WHIG, HE WAS
NOT THE BEST WHIG
BECAUSE THE BEST WHIG
WAS MILLARD FILLMORE.
OR WAS IT CHESTER A. ARTHUR?
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- DAD, HOW'S IT GOING?
- NOW, DON'T BE NERVOUS
OR STUTTER OR MUMBLE, STUDENTS.
THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE SCARED ABOUT.
- LIKE, THERE, THERE,
MR. MILFLOSS, SIR.
- LIKE, TH-TH-THANK
YOU, MAYNARD.
REMEMBER, THE PEOPLE IN THERE,
WAITING FOR YOUR GRADUATION,
ARE YOUR OWN
FRIENDS AND RELATIVES.
WH-WHERE ARE THE
REST OF THE GRADUATES?
- WE'RE IT, MR. MILFLOSS.
- YEAH, THE END OF THE LINE.
- OH, NO YOU AREN'T. THERE
ARE TWO MORE GRADUATES,
GRADUATES I'M VERY PROUD OF.
THE CEREMONY DOESN'T
GO ON UNTIL THEY GET HERE.
- OTHER GRADUATES?
- LIKE WHO?
- LIKE US. WAIT.
- HEY, HOLD IT.
YOU CAN'T GRADUATE WITHOUT US.
I'VE BEEN WAITING
25 YEARS FOR THIS.
HEY, HOW DO I LOOK?
- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
- MY WIFE AND KIDS ARE
WAITING IN THERE TO WATCH ME.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
STOP SHOVING, CALLAHAN.
- NOW, LISTEN, DOBBS.
- THE NAME IS GILLIS, AND...
- HEY, DAD.
- AND I DON'T THINK US
GRADUATES SHOULD BE ARGUING.
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- THAT'S MY DAD.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY.
- ME TOO. NOW, COME ON.
LET'S GET THIS LINE MOVING.
♪ - ABOVE THE SCHOOL
WE LOVE SO WELL ♪
♪ OUR PRECIOUS CENTRAL HIGH ♪
♪ AND THERE THE... ♪
- AND TO THINK I COULD
HAVE GONE INTO REAL ESTATE.
- DAD?
- I'M BACK HERE
TAKING INVENTORY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- DAD, WE JUST GOT THE PROOFS
OF OUR GRADUATION PICTURES.
THEY LOOK GREAT.
- BIG DEAL.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS DROP
THAT GRADUATION TALK ALREADY?
- DOBE, I GOTTA GIVE
YOUR FATHER CREDIT.
HE DIDN'T LET GRADUATING
FROM HIGH SCHOOL
STOP HIM FROM BEING
MEAN AND ROTTEN.
- NO OFFENSE.
DAD, IT WAS THE BIGGEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO US.
- A GRADUATION'S A GRADUATION.
STOP YAKKING ABOUT IT, WILL YA?
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GAWKING AT?
AIN'T YOU NEVER SEEN A HIGH
SCHOOL GRADUATE BEFORE?
HA HA HA.
- ♪ ABOVE THE SCHOOL
WE LOVE SO WELL ♪
♪ OUR PRECIOUS CENTRAL HIGH... ♪
- OH, HA HA HA.
- ♪ AND THERE THE BRAVE OLD
CENTRAL BELL RESOUNDS... ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪