The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 18 - I Was a High School Scrooge - full transcript
Central High's yearbook editor Zelda assigns Dobie and Maynard to write a "where are they now" feature on the school's former star football player and 1911 graduate Walter "show 'em no mercy" Appleby, whom the boys discover has seemingly fallen on hard times.
[PHONE RINGS]
- GILROY HERE.
YEAH, I KNOW I'M LATE,
BUT WHAT CAN I DO?
I'M RUNNING THE
YEARBOOK ALL BY MYSELF.
SURE, I COULD USE SOME HELP,
BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND IT?
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S
INADEQUATE, SECOND-RATE,
WEAK-KNEED,
CLOCK-WATCHING AND JERKY.
- YOU RANG?
- HI, ZELDA.
- I THINK I JUST
FOUND SOME HELP.
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.
I JUST WALKED INTO
THE YEARBOOK OFFICE
TO BORROW SOME MONEY
FROM ZELDA, SO MAYNARD AND
I COULD GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
MAYNARD HADN'T EATEN
FOR OVER AN HOUR,
AND HE GETS DESPERATE.
AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW,
I WAS A GENTLEMAN OF THE PRESS.
- MEN, THIS YEAR,
WE SENIORS AT CENTRAL
HIGH ARE GOING TO HAVE
THE BEST DARN YEARBOOK IN THE
WHOLE HISTORY OF THE SCHOOL.
- DOBE, I'M HUNGRY.
- A YEARBOOK...
- YEAH.
- WE WILL TREASURE AND
CHERISH IN THE YEARS TO COME.
- YOU AIN'T, LIKE,
GOT A BANANA ON YOU,
HAVE YOU, GOOD BUDDY?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- WHEN WE'RE SITTING IN
FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE
IN OUR SPLIT-LEVEL
HOME IN THE SUBURBS
WITH THE CHILDREN FAST ASLEEP
IN THEIR DR. DENTON'S UPSTAIRS,
WE WILL TAKE OUT THE
YEARBOOK, POOPSIE,
AND REMEMBER THOSE
FIRST, FINE, CARELESS DAYS
WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.
- ZELDA!
- A LOAF OF BREAD, AN
ICE CUBE, ANYTHING?
- MAYNARD, YOU CAN
EAT LATER. RIGHT NOW,
WE GOT TO GET CRACKING
ON THOSE CAPTIONS.
- CAPTIONS?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE,
BUT I'LL EAT THEM.
- MAYNARD, A CAPTION IS A LINE
YOU PUT UNDER A
PICTURE IN THE YEARBOOK
LIKE "MOST LIKELY TO
SUCCEED," "MOST INTELLIGENT,"
"MOST BEAUTIFUL," LIKE THAT.
- ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET TO IT.
- YEAH, BEFORE I
GO INTO A COMMA.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S COMA!
- I ALREADY PICKED
OUT SOME PICTURES.
- YEAH. OKAY.
LET'S SEE THEM.
- HERE, "MOST
LIKELY TO SUCCEED."
- HMM.
- "MOST INTELLIGENT,"
"MOST BEAUTIFUL."
- THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, ZELDA.
YOU'RE SO MODEST.
- YEAH, I GOT THAT,
TOO. "MOST MODEST."
- YEAH, WHAT'S THE
CAPTION ON MINE?
- "MOST LIKELY TO
MARRY ZELDA GILROY."
- NOW CUT THAT OUT!
- I KNOW THE CAPTION
ON MINE. "MOST HUNGRY."
- POSSESS YOUR SOUL
IN PATIENCE, MAYNARD.
I'M SENDING YOU TWO
BOYS OUT ON AN ASSIGNMENT
IN A FEW MINUTES, AS
SOON AS I READ YOU
THE CLASS POEM I WROTE
FOR THE YEARBOOK.
- OH?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
"CENTRAL HIGH, WE'RE
GOING TO MISS YOU.
"CENTRAL HIGH, WE
HUG AND KISS YOU.
"CENTRAL HIGH, OUR ALMA MATER,
"YOU'RE THE BEST
ON LAND OR WATER.
"CENTRAL HIGH, FOR
YOU, WE'RE BURNING
"WE WILL MISS YOUR
HALLS AND LEARNING.
"WE WILL MISS YOUR
KINDLY TEACHERS,
PRINCIPALS AND OTHER CREATURES."
- KIND OF GETS YOU
RIGHT HERE, HUH, DOBE?
- I DON'T KNOW, ZELDA.
MAYNARD'S STOMACH'S
GROWLING AWFUL LOUD.
- PLEASE, SMALL GIRL.
LET ME GO, SO I CAN
GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
- YOU'RE OUT OF MONEY. REMEMBER?
- I'LL TRAP SOMETHING.
PLEASE, ZELDA?
- ALL RIGHT, MEN.
I'M SENDING YOU OUT ON A
GREAT HUMAN INTEREST STORY.
EVERY YEAR, THE
YEARBOOK HAS A FEATURE
CALLED "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?"
WE LOOK UP SOMEBODY WHO
GRADUATED FROM CENTRAL HIGH
A LONG TIME AGO,
FIND OUT WHAT HE'S DOING
AND WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM.
- OH, WHO DO YOU
WANT US TO LOOK UP?
- I REALLY GOT A
LOOLOO THIS TIME.
I HAD TO DIG WAY BACK.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF
"SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY" APPLEBY?
- WELL, WHO HASN'T?
HE WAS THE GREATEST
FOOTBALL PLAYER
IN THE HISTORY OF CENTRAL HIGH.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
IN THE BIG GAME AGAINST
WEBSTER HIGH IN 1911,
HE SENT THE ENTIRE
WEBSTER TEAM TO THE HOSPITAL
AND THE COACH, TOO.
- YEAH.
- WE NEVER LOST A SINGLE GAME
WHEN SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WAS PLAYING FOR US.
- HMM.
- WHERE IS HE NOW?
- THAT'S WHAT YOU TWO
ARE GOING TO FIND OUT.
- WELL, WHERE DO
WE START LOOKING?
- HEY, LET'S START AT THE
LUNCH COUNTER, HUH, DOBE?
- JUST GET OUT AND
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
YOU'LL FIND HIM. YOU CAN DO IT.
- BUT WHAT IF HE MOVED
TO ANOTHER STATE
LIKE CLEVELAND?
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT
YOU'VE GOTTA FIND OUT
AND BRING ME BACK A STORY.
- YEAH. OH, OKAY, ZELDA.
- HEY, DOBE, DOBE?
REMEMBER WHAT WE CAME FOR?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH. ZELDA,
COULD YOU LEND US A LITTLE MONEY
TO BUY MAYNARD SOMETHING TO EAT?
- SURE, POOPSIE. HOW
MUCH DO YOU WANT?
- $20 OR $30. MAYNARD,
HERE'S A DOLLAR.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- AND HERE'S A PENCIL AND
PAPER FOR YOU, MY ACE REPORTER.
- ZELDA, PLEASE!
- AND HERE'S A CAMERA FOR
YOU, MY ACE PHOTOGRAPHER.
- HMM. YEAH.
- NOW, GO.
- OKAY.
- I'LL STAND BY TO TEAR
OUT THE FRONT PAGE.
- NOW I HAD TWO BIG PROBLEMS.
FIRST, HOW TO FEED MAYNARD
ON ONLY $1.
WELL, THAT PROBLEM GOT SOLVED.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, DOBE?
YOU GET A LOT MORE PEANUTS
FOR A DOLLAR THAN A DIME.
- TRUE, MAYNARD.
- ALMOST TWICE AS MUCH.
- YEAH, MAYNARD. UH-HUH.
THE SECOND PROBLEM
WAS HOW TO FIND
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
THIS WAS A REALLY TOUGH ONE.
- WHAT'S SO TOUGH ABOUT IT?
- WHAT'S SO TOUGH ABOUT IT?
WHY, THIS MAN COULD BE ANYWHERE
EUROPE, CHINA, AUSTRALIA.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND HIM?
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE DO, JUST
WALK UP TO THE FIRST PASSERBY
AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME, SIR,
BUT DO YOU HAPPEN TO BE
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY?"
- YES, I AM.
- HE COULD BE
ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
HE COULD BE DEAD,
FOR THAT MATTER.
HE C... MAYNARD, DID...
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.
- WHICH WAY DID HE GO?
- I THINK HE WENT THAT WAY.
- NO, THAT WAY.
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE WENT THAT WAY.
- NO, NO, I THINK
YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT WAY.
- MAYBE HE WENT THAT WAY.
- MAYNARD, COME ON!
- MR. APPLEBY WILL
BE HERE ANY MOMENT.
NATURALLY, WE WANT TO
MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION
ON THE NEW OWNER
OF KANE IRON AND STEEL.
- HE DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT...
AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?
- I MIGHT BE REX
THE WONDER HORSE,
BUT I'M NOT.
I'M SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
I OWN THIS PLACE
AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
- OH, WELL, MR. APPLEBY.
IT'S A GREAT PLEASURE,
I'M SURE. MY NAME IS...
- YES, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
I KNOW WHO THEY ARE,
I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE,
AND THEY'RE FIRED. COME ON.
GET OUT, YOU TIME SERVERS!
- OH, BUT, SIR...
- DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP.
GET OUT OF HERE!
GO ON! MOVE!
NOW THEN, YOU.
DO YOU WANT TO STAY ON
HERE AS RESIDENT COUNSELOR,
OR DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK
TO CHASING AMBULANCES?
- OH, I'LL STAY, SIR.
- FINE.
THEN YOUR SALARY WILL BE CUT 75%
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
- OH, BUT...
- QUIET!
I SUPPOSE YOU WONDER
WHY I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS.
I'LL TELL YOU.
EVERY TIME I BUY A NEW BUSINESS,
I GO OUT AND LOOK
AT THE TRASH PILE.
THAT'S WHAT I DID WHEN I
BOUGHT MONTGOMERY MOTORS.
THAT'S WHAT I DID WHEN I BOUGHT
INTERPLANETARY ELECTRONICS,
AND THAT'S WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO HERE.
THERE'S MORE PROFIT
GOES OUT THE BACK DOOR
THAN COMES IN THE FRONT.
THAT'S THE CURSE
OF BUSINESS, WASTE.
NOW WHERE'S YOUR TRASH PILE?
- WELL, IT'S OUT IN
BACK, I BELIEVE, SIR.
- ALL RIGHT. I'LL
TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
YOU BETTER FIRE THOSE
TWO SECRETARIES OUTSIDE.
- OH, YES, SIR.
- AND YOU, YOU BETTER
TAKE UP SHORTHAND.
HA! WASTE.
WASTE, WASTE, WASTE, WASTE.
- YOU WERE RIGHT,
DOBE. HE WENT THAT WAY.
- NO, MAYNARD. I
THINK YOU WERE RIGHT.
MAYNARD...
- IT'S HIM.
- YEAH.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
DID YOU SAY YOU WERE
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY?
- THAT'S RIGHT,
SON. NOW, BEAT IT.
- THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WHO WAS STAR FULLBACK
OF THE 1910 CENTRAL HIGH
SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM?
- THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WHO HAS PUT MORE MEN
IN THE HOSPITAL
THAN THE FLU EPIDEMIC.
I'M ABOUT TO ADD TWO MORE
TO MY LIST. NOW, BEAT IT!
- SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M LOOKING AT A JUNK
PILE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- BUT WHY?
- IT'S THE WAY I MAKE MY LIVING.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE
WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
- POOR OLD FELLA, ONCE
A GREAT FOOTBALL STAR,
THE IDOL OF THE CROWD,
A GRADUATE OF
CENTRAL HIGH, TODAY,
A POOR OLD
MISERABLE JUNK PICKER.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, GIVE ME THAT CAMERA.
MAYNARD, WE'RE
GOING TO DO SOMETHING
TO HELP THAT POOR OLD
MISERABLE SON OF CENTRAL HIGH.
- YOU'RE, LIKE, ALL HEART, DOBE.
- OH, DOBIE, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- IT WAS EVEN WORSE IN PERSON.
- IT WAS, LIKE, PATHETIC.
- IT ALMOST BROKE MY HEART,
WATCHING THAT POOR,
MISERABLE OLD MAN WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD!
IT'S A CRYING SHAME.
ZELDA, HERE'S A FINE OLD MAN
LIKE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WHO RISKED LIFE AND LIMB
FOR CENTRAL HIGH,
AND LOOK AT HIM TODAY,
PENNILESS, FORGOTTEN,
SCRATCHING A MISERABLE
LIVING OUT OF JUNK PILES.
WE JUST CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN.
- WELL, WHAT CAN WE DO?
- GIVE HIM HIS OWN JUNK PILE.
- HEY, I'LL GIVE HIM MY
ALLOWANCE FOR THE NEXT MONTH.
THAT'S $20.
- AND I'LL CONTRIBUTE MINE.
THAT'S A TOTAL OF 40 BUCKS.
- AND I'LL GIVE MINE.
THAT'LL BE $40.35.
- THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.
- LIKE, RIGHT.
- WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT A
WAY TO RAISE A LOT MORE.
- LIKE, RIGHT.
- A WAY THAT'LL REALLY WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD, WE'RE BUSY.
WE GOT NO TIME FOR
YOUR LITTLE QUIRK.
- QUIRK!
- MAYNARD,
CUT THAT OUT! I SAID QUIRK.
- OH, I THOUGHT YOU
SAID WORK. WORK!
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
SAY, ZELDA, I KNOW
WHAT WE CAN DO.
- WHAT?
- THE SENIOR CLASS FUND,
HOW MUCH IS IN IT?
- WELL, $110. WHY?
- WELL...
- YEAH, GOOD THINKING, DOBE.
FIRST, WE FIND OUT
WHERE THEY KEEP IT.
- MAYNARD.
- THEN WE GET THEM FUNNY MASKS
AND PULL THEM
OVER OUR FACES, SEE,
AND ZELDA WAITS
OUTSIDE IN THE CAR
AND KEEPS THE MOTOR RUNNING,
AND IF WE CAN'T GET A
CAR, SHE WAITS OUTSIDE
AND HOLDS THE BUS TRANSFERS.
- MAYNARD.
- WE ZOOM PAST THE GUARDS...
- MAYNARD.
- BLAST 'EM WITH OUR
GAS AND HEIST THE LOOT!
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH, ENOUGH!
- AND THEN WE MAKE TRACKS
FOR THE BORDER BEFORE
THE POSSE CAN GET A...
- ZELDA, THE SENIOR CLASS FUND
MIGHT BE EXACTLY
WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
WHAT WAS THE CLASS
PLANNING TO DO WITH IT?
- WE WERE GOING TO USE THE
MONEY TO BUY A DRINKING FOUNTAIN
FOR THE GIRLS' GYM.
- LET'S GIVE IT TO
MR. APPLEBY INSTEAD.
- WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO
WITH A DRINKING FOUNTAIN?
- NO, WE USE THE MONEY FOR
OUR RAGGED, TATTERED OLD HERO,
AND THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING.
AFTER THAT, WE'LL
RAISE LOTS MORE.
- YEAH, WE CAN THROW A
BIG BENEFIT BAZAAR FOR HIM.
- I'LL SELL ICE CREAM,
AND ALL THE MONEY
WILL GO TO MR. APPLEBY.
- YEAH, I'LL SELL SODA POP.
- I'LL SELL CANDY.
- I'LL SELL PEANUTS.
- I'LL SELL HOT DOGS.
- I'LL SELL HAMBURGERS.
- AND I'LL SELL KISSES.
- AH.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA,
BUT AIN'T WE SUPPOSED TO
BE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY?
- NEVER MIND, MAYNARD.
ZELDA, THIS IS THE FINEST THING
ANY SENIOR CLASS HAS EVER DONE.
OUR PARTING GIFT TO CENTRAL HIGH
WILL BE A MAGNIFICENT GESTURE
TO SHOW THAT PATHETIC OLD WRETCH
THAT CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
DOESN'T FORGET YESTERDAY'S HEROES.
- GEE, ZELDA, I'M
GETTING, LIKE, ALL MISTY.
- ME, TOO.
DOBE, HAS ANYBODY EVER
TOLD YOU YOU'RE ALL HEART?
- YEAH, ME.
- IT'S A FAR, FAR BETTER THING
WE DO THAN WE HAVE EVER DONE.
THAT WAS THE BEGINNING
OF OUR CAMPAIGN
TO SAVE
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
ALL THE WEAPONS AT OUR COMMAND,
WERE THROWN INTO THE BATTLE,
AND WHAT A BATTLE THAT WAS.
- THE POWER OF THE PRESS
WILL SAVE THIS POOR
MISERABLE WRETCH.
COPY BOY, TAKE THIS DOWN.
HERE'S THE LEAD FOR
THE GREATEST STORY
THIS YEARBOOK HAS EVER CARRIED.
STUDENTS OF CENTRAL HIGH,
PUT YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS.
WHAT DO YOU FIND THERE,
A HANDFUL OF COINS?
TO YOU, THEY MAY BE
BUT A FEW PALTRY PENNIES,
BUT TO A TIRED, BEATEN,
UNHAPPY OLD BAG OF BONES,
THEY CAN BE THE
DOOR TO A NEW LIFE,
NEW HOPES, NEW HORIZONS.
DIG INTO THOSE POCKETS
AND SHOW THAT CENTRAL HIGH
STILL REMEMBERS AND APPRECIATES
ITS GREAT HERO OF A BYGONE ERA,
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
- BEAUTIFUL, ZELDA.
- OKAY, MAYNARD. NOW,
READ TO ME WHAT I JUST SAID.
- RIGHT. STUDENTS...
- WELL, GO ON.
- THAT'S ALL I GOT.
YOU, LIKE, TALK TOO FAST.
- MAYNARD!
- STOP THE PRESSES.
IS EVERYBODY
HELPLESS AROUND HERE?
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
- COPY BOY, GET THAT PHONE
AND ACT LIKE A NEWSPAPER MAN.
- CHECK, STOP THE PRESSES.
- MAYNARD, YOU JUST
TELL THEM WHO YOU ARE.
- MAYNARD G. KREBS,
ACE REPORTER HERE.
APPLEBY,
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
HOW DO YOU SPELL IT? IT'S A-P
- P...
- L B.
- MAYNARD, YOU BETTER
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
UH-HUH. YEAH.
DOBIE GILLIS, ASSISTANT EDITOR.
CHECK, CHECK, YEAH,
HE WAS THE GREATEST HERO
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL EVER HAD,
AND HE'S A POOR, BROKEN
WRECK OF A MAN NOW.
CHECK, CHECK. UH-HUH, CHECK.
- DOBIE, WHO WAS THAT?
- SOMEBODY NAMED CHECK.
THAT WAS THE "DAILY BUGLE."
THEY HEARD ABOUT MR. APPLEBY,
AND THEY WANTED
TO KNOW THE DETAILS.
- HEY, CENTRAL
HIGH WILL BE FAMOUS.
- AND MR. APPLEBY WILL
GET BACK ON HIS FEET.
- STOP THE PRESSES!
- STOP THE PRESSES?
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- COME ON, MEN. WE GOT TO
GET ROLLING ON THAT EDITORIAL.
MAYNARD, TEAR
OUT THE FRONT PAGE.
- YEAH.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
NOT WHAT SHE MEANT!
- MAYNARD, GO GET SOME
PAPER FROM THE SUPPLY ROOM.
- RIGHT.
- GIVE US YOUR OLD
CLOTHES FOR A FINE OLD MAN.
- SAVE OUR DODDERING OLD HERO.
- EVERYBODY GIVES.
- HERE, HERE!
- DON'T BE A CHEAPSKATE.
- DON'T BE A TIGHTWAD.
- YOU DON'T NEED THESE
OLD CLOTHES ANYHOW.
- WE'LL TAKE ANYTHING.
- WE'RE EAGER.
WE'RE...
MAYNARD, I SAID WE WERE EAGER,
NOT DESPERATE.
HERE, PUT THESE BACK ON.
- "LED BY DOBIE GILLIS,
"THE STUDENTS OF
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
"ARE DIGGING DEEP
INTO THEIR POCKETS
"TO SHOW THAT PATHETIC OLD
WRETCH THAT CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
DOESN'T FORGET
YESTERDAY'S HERO."
DOBIE, DEAR, DID ANYBODY EVER
TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE ALL HEART?
- IS EVERYBODY DEAF? ME.
- LOOKIT HERE, IT'S IN ALL
THE DOWNTOWN PAPERS, TOO.
OH, I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.
- I'M GLAD, DAD,
BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO
ASK YOU TO CONTRIBUTE
TO THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY FUND, $10.
- NOT THAT PROUD.
- HERBERT, GIVE HIM THE MONEY,
AND BE THANKFUL THAT
YOU HAVE IT TO GIVE.
- WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, WINNIE.
THAT POOR OLD MAN OUT THERE,
PICKING JUNK,
HERE, TAKE THIS, BOY.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
- HERE, TAKE THIS, TOO.
HE PROBABLY HASN'T HAD
A SQUARE MEAL IN YEARS.
- THANKS, DAD.
- AND THESE, TOO.
- THANKS, MOM.
- AND THIS, TOO?
- YEAH.
- THANKS, MAYNARD.
- AND THIS. MAYNARD!
I KNOW YOU SPEND ENOUGH
TIME AROUND HERE TO QUALIFY,
BUT YOU ARE NOT REALLY
A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY,
SO IF YOU'RE GOING
TO GIVE SOMETHING,
GIVE SOMETHING YOU OWN.
- I JUST GOT CARRIED
AWAY. I'M ALL HEART, TOO.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
I'M PROUD OF YOU,
AND YOU, HERBERT,
AND ESPECIALLY YOU, DOBIE.
- THANKS, MOM.
- WELL, YOU'RE NOT ANY
PROUDER OF HIM THAN I AM.
- WELL, I'M PROUDER
THAN EITHER OF YOU.
- YOU ARE NOT. I'M PROUDER.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO HERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO THERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO HERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO THERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD OF HIM...
- MAYNARD!
WE ARE ALL PROUD OF HIM.
- WE SURE ARE.
- DITTO, MR. G.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I'M PROUD OF HIM UP...
- MAYNARD, PLEASE!
- DOBIE'S DOING SUCH
A WONDERFUL THING,
AND HIS PAYMENT WILL COME
WHEN HE SEES THE GRATITUDE
AND THE APPRECIATION
ON THE POOR OLD FACE
OF MR. APPLEBY.
- MURDER, DEATH!
I'LL KILL THEM.
I'LL CRUSH THEIR
SKULLS LIKE EGGSHELLS.
I'LL SUE THEM INTO
THE POOR HOUSE!
WITHERS! YOU
PANTYWAIST, COME IN HERE!
- OH, YES, SIR.
- GET OVER HERE!
- YES, SIR.
- WITHERS, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT?
- OH, DEAR.
- AND THIS?
- OH, GOODNESS!
- YES, HELP US SAVE
THIS POOR BEATEN,
DOWN-TRODDEN OLD MAN.
GIVE HIM YOUR OLD CLOTHES.
THIS POOR PATHETIC
WRETCH CAN USE ANYTHING.
NOW WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO SAY TO THAT?
- THEY MISSPELLED
PATHETIC WRETCH.
- AH, QUIET!
YOU'RE A LAWYER, AREN'T YOU?
- YES, SIR.
- THAT'S LIBEL, ISN'T IT?
- OH, DEFINITELY, SIR.
- THEN WE'LL SUE HIM
WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE.
- OH, BUT, MR. APPLEBY, SIR, HE'S
ONLY A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT,
THIS DOBIE GILLIS.
NOW, HOW MUCH CAN YOU GET
OUT OF A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT?
- HE HAS A FATHER, HASN'T HE?
AND THE FATHER
OWNS A GROCERY STORE
AND A TRUCK AND A
G.I. INSURANCE POLICY
AND $1100 IN THE BANK.
I'M GOING TO GET
EVERY NICKEL OF IT.
COME ON NOW, YOU,
AND GET YOUR BRIEFCASE.
- YES, SIR.
- GEE, THANKS, MOM, THANKS, DAD.
- GEE, THANKS, MOM, THANKS, DAD.
- MAYNARD. I BETTER GO
OVER TO THE SCHOOL NOW.
WE'RE HAVING A RALLY
DURING LUNCH HOUR
FOR THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY FUND.
- SAY, THAT DOESN'T
GIVE YOU MUCH TIME.
I BETTER DRIVE YOU OVER, HUH?
- NEVER MIND, MR. G.
I CAN DRIVE HIM.
- MAYNARD, YOU
DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR.
- GOOD THINKING.
- GOOD THINKING.
- COME ON, SON.
- MR. G.?
- YEAH.
- I'M PROUD OF HIM UP TO HERE.
- MAYNARD, COME ON!
- MAY I HELP YOU?
- I'M SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
- OH, MY GOODNESS!
YOU MUST TRY TO EAT SOMETHING.
- WHAT'S THAT FOR?
- OH, NOW, DON'T
BE PROUD WITH US,
MR. APPLEBY. YOU TAKE IT.
- WELL, I NEVER TURNED DOWN
ANYTHING THAT WAS FOR FREE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
I LIKE WITH APPLES?
A NICE PIECE OF CHOCOLATE.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
HAVE ANY CHEESE?
- WHY, CERTAINLY.
- ANY BUTTERMILK?
- BUT OF COURSE.
SALAMI?
- THANK YOU.
WE'LL PUT THIS IN THE
BRIEFCASE FOR LATER.
NOW THEN, YOU, I TAKE IT,
ARE THE MOTHER OF DOBIE GILLIS.
- THE PROUD MOTHER.
- AND WHERE IS THE PROUD FATHER?
- WELL, HE TOOK DOBIE TO
SCHOOL. HE SHOULD BE ALONG.
- WILLIS, HOW MUCH DO YOU
THINK THE JOINT IS WORTH?
- OH, SIX OR EIGHT THOUSAND
FROM WHAT I CAN SEE.
- YOU HAVE MUCH OF
AN INVENTORY OUT BACK?
- OH, NOT TERRIBLY MUCH.
- WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
- UPSTAIRS.
- WHAT KIND OF
FURNITURE DO YOU HAVE?
- OH, OLD THINGS, MOSTLY.
- ANTIQUES?
- OH, NO,
JUST THINGS WE BOUGHT
WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.
- UH-UH.
WELL, PUT DOWN ABOUT
$500 FOR PERSONAL EFFECTS.
- WHY ARE YOU ASKING
ALL THESE QUESTIONS?
- DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, MADAM?
- WHY, CERTAINLY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE
IN MY SON'S ARTICLE.
- NO, IT ISN'T ALL THERE, MADAM.
I OWN THE KANE IRON
AND STEEL COMPANY,
THE INTERPLANETARY
ELECTRONICS COMPANY,
THE AMALGAMATED COPPER COMPANY,
AND I AM PRESIDENT
OF THE DROVERS AND
PLANTERS NATIONAL BANK.
- YOU ARE?
- TELL HER.
- HE IS.
- WELL, YOU MUST'VE GOTTEN
A MIGHTY GOOD CHUCKLE
OUT OF MY BOY'S LITTLE ARTICLE.
- MADAM, I HAVEN'T HAD A
GOOD CHUCKLE SINCE 1933
WHEN I FORECLOSED
ON AN ENTIRE COUNTY.
GIVE IT TO HER.
- LIBEL? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- EXPLAIN IT TO HER, COUNSELOR.
- LIBEL IS HOLDING A PERSON
UP TO PUBLIC RIDICULE,
CONTEMPT AND DERISION,
CAUSING MENTAL ANGUISH
AND LOSS OF RESPECT
AND ESTEEM IN THE COMMUNITY,
CASTING DOUBT ON A
MAN'S BUSINESS RELIABILITY
AND PERSONAL
CHARACTER AND IN GENERAL,
IMPAIRING PUBLIC
CONFIDENCE AND RESPECT.
- AND CALLING ME A
MISERABLE WRETCH,
A DECREPIT OLD HULK, A
WEATHER-BEATEN PAUPER
AND A PATHETIC OLD MAN.
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
THAT WAS ALL A MISTAKE.
- YES, A MISTAKE THAT WILL
COST YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND
AND THAT IDIOT SON OF YOURS
EVERYTHING THAT YOU OWN,
EVERYTHING THAT
YOU EVER HOPE TO OWN.
- DOBE, WHEN WE GET
DOWN TO THE HIGH SCHOOL,
DO YOU MIND IF I STICK
AROUND AND WATCH
THIS RALLY YOU'RE PUTTING
ON FOR OLD MAN APPLEBY?
- SURE, DAD, IF YOU WANT TO.
- OH, I DO, SON.
I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA,
AND I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU, BOY.
- NOT AS PROUD AS ME.
I'M PROUD OF HIM UP TO...
- BOY, HOW MUCH
MONEY DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO
RAISE FOR THE OLD MAN?
- WELL, WE STARTED OFF WITH
$110 IN THE SENIOR CLASS FUND,
AND THEN WITH WHAT WE TOOK IN
FROM THE BAZAAR
AND THE OLD CLOTHES
- YEAH.
- AND THE RAFFLE...
- IT'S PROBABLY THREE OR FIVE
HUNDRED BUCKS. MAN, WHAT A HAUL!
IF WE GRAB THOSE KIDS
BEFORE THEY GET TO APPLEBY
- MAYNARD, I TOLD
YOU TO CUT THAT OUT!
- YEAH, AND WE DON'T
HEAD FOR MEXICO, SEE.
EVERY TOM, DICK AND HAROLD
MOVES DOWN CUCARACHA
WAY. WE HEAD NORTH, SEE.
- WHAT KIND OF
COCKEYED TALK IS THIS?
- WE ADIOS UP TO CANADA.
WHO'D EVER THINK OF
LOOKING FOR US THERE?
I MEAN, CANADA'S A WHOLE
ENTIRELY DIFFERENT CITY.
- YEAH.
- OH, MAYNARD, PIPE DOWN.
- HMM, MAN. WHAT A
SHREWD-THINKING FELLOW
YOU ARE, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
WHILE ALL THOSE COP
CATS ARE RUNNING AROUND
LOOKING AT TORTILLAS
AND ENCHILADAS,
WE'VE VAMOOSED TO
OTHER PLACES, HUH?
- YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.
- OH, SURE, I WILL, MR. G.
I WILL DEFINITE...
- NO, WHAT ABOUT THE ROYAL
CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE?
- NOBODY WILL
EVER CA... OH, YEAH,
THEY ALWAYS GET THEIR MAN, HUH?
- UH-HUH.
- RIGHT.
- AND I'M A MAN, KIND OF.
- KIND OF.
- YEAH. OH, I GOT IT!
CLEVELAND. OOH!
- CLEVELAND?
- LIKE, YEAH. NOBODY
EVER GOES TO CLEVELAND.
I MEAN, WHO WOULD
FIND US IN CLEVELAND?
- DAD, STOP ENCOURAGING HIM.
- I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T GET
AWAY WITH IT, KILLER.
- RIGHT, COPPER.
- DAD, CUT THAT OUT!
YOU KNOW HOW MAYNARD
GETS CARRIED AWAY.
- DOBIE'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
YOU CAN'T GO TO CANADA,
AND YOU CAN'T GO TO CLEVELAND.
HOW ABOUT TRYING CINCINN...
- DAD!
- NATI?
- MAYNARD!
I'M ASHAMED OF THE TWO OF YOU,
CARRYING ON LIKE THIS WHEN WE
SHOULD BE THINKING OF THAT POOR,
SWEET, LOVABLE OLD MAN.
- SHAME, DOUBLE SHAME!
WHY, YOU ARE A DECREPIT WRETCH
AND A MISERABLE HULK!
- MADAM, HE IS NOT
A MISERABLE HULK.
THE KIND OF HULK
HE IS IS DECREPIT.
- WITHERS!
- I'M JUST QUOTING
THE EVIDENCE, SIR.
- ALSO DETESTABLE,
DESPICABLE AND HATEFUL!
- YOU HEAR THAT, WITHERS?
NOW WE CAN SUE THE WHOLE FAMILY,
MAKE IT A PACKAGE LAWSUIT.
- RIGHT.
- WHY, THIS IS
POSITIVELY SHAMEFUL!
AT THIS VERY MOMENT,
MY BOY, DOBIE,
BLESS HIS DEAR, SWEET HEART,
IS OVER AT THE HIGH
SCHOOL MAKING A SPEECH
IN ORDER TO RAISE MONEY FOR YOU,
YOU MISERABLE SCOUNDREL!
- DID YOU HEAR THAT,
WITHERS? MAKING A SPEECH.
THAT'S MORE EVIDENCE. CAN
YOU TAKE DOWN SHORTHAND?
- OH, YES, SIR, 100
WORDS A MINUTE.
- YOU BETTER GET IT UP TO 150
IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
- WE'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.
- ATTENTION. YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE.
- LIKE, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
MY GOOD BUDDY, DOBIE'S
GOING TO MAKE A SPEECH.
- UH-HUH.
- YEAH, QUIET DOWN
AND LISTEN TO WHAT
MY BOY HAS TO SAY.
- YEAH. KIDS, THE SNACK
BAR'S CLOSED TODAY.
TODAY, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU
SPEND YOUR MONEY ON ICE CREAM
AND ROOT BEER AND CANDY.
- NOT THAT I'VE GOT
ANYTHING AGAINST ICE CREAM,
ROOT BEER AND CANDY, BUT TODAY,
YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING MORE
IMPORTANT TO DO WITH YOUR MONEY.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU NOT
ONLY FOR ICE CREAM MONEY,
BUT ALSO FOR THE MONEY
YOU'VE BEEN
STICKING IN YOUR SOCK
FOR NEW RECORDS AND NEW SKIS
AND NEW HUBCAPS AND LIKE THAT.
I WANT IMPORTANT
MONEY FROM YOU TODAY
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT
AN IMPORTANT JOB TO DO.
YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT THE FUND
FOR SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
YOU'VE ALL BEEN GENEROUS,
YOU'VE ALL CONTRIBUTED,
BUT I WANT YOU TO
CONTRIBUTE MORE.
I WANT TO PUSH THIS
FUND OVER THE TOP,
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
WE'RE ALL SENIORS HERE,
ABOUT TO LEAVE CENTRAL HIGH.
THIS SCHOOL'S GIVEN
US AN AWFUL LOT,
NOT ONLY THE STUFF
WE GOT OUT OF BOOKS
BUT A LOT OF THINGS
YOU DON'T FIND
IN THE CURRICULUM,
I MEAN, DEVOTION AND
DEDICATION AND A REAL HONEST,
UNSELFISH CONCERN
ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE
WE'RE GOING TO GROW UP TO BE.
WELL, LET'S SHOW CENTRAL
HIGH HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE.
LET'S SHOW IT NOT BY BUYING
ANOTHER DRINKING FOUNTAIN
OR ANOTHER SET OF
BOOKS FOR THE LIBRARY
OR ANOTHER ROW OF
BLEACHERS FOR THE STADIUM.
LET'S SHOW IT BY A
LIVING TESTIMONY.
LET'S PAY TRIBUTE, I SAID
TRIBUTE, NOT CHARITY,
TO A MAN WHO HAD IT IN HIS
HEART TO RETURN THE LOVE
AND DEVOTION THAT
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
FELT FOR HIM, A MAN
WHO, WEEK AFTER WEEK,
GOT OUT ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD
WITH ONLY ONE
THOUGHT IN HIS MIND,
TO GIVE HIS LAST
OUNCE OF STRENGTH
FOR THE SCHOOL HE LOVED,
THE SCHOOL THAT LOVED HIM,
A MAN WHOSE SPIRIT BURNS BRIGHT,
A BEACON TO LIGHT THE
WAY INTO THE FUTURE.
THINK OF WHAT KIND OF MAN
MR. APPLEBY COULD BE IF
HE HAD THE BREAKS WE HAVE,
BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE,
SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED,
SOMETHING THAT TURNED A FINE,
UPSTANDING CITIZEN INTO
A PITIABLE FIGURE OF A MAN.
WHAT WAS IT? NOBODY KNOWS.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO MAKE UP
FOR WHATEVER WENT WRONG
FOR THIS MAN WHO DID SO
MUCH FOR CENTRAL HIGH.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE
UP FOR WHATEVER WE...
- MR. APPLEBY, I JUST CAN'T
GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
I JUST CAN'T.
- WITHERS, ME, NEITHER.
- A MAN...
- HOLD IT, SON.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- MR. APPLEBY. HERE, SIT DOWN,
YOU POOR, DEAR OLD THING.
- CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO EAT?
- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE. I'M NOT POOR,
AND I'M NOT A DEAR.
I'M A JILLIONAIRE,
ROTTEN CLEAR
THROUGH TO THE CORE,
BUT THANK YOU FOR LETTING
ME SEE THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.
HERE, HERE, YOU TAKE THIS MONEY
AND ALL THE MONEY
YOU MAKE AT THE SALE
AND BUY SOMETHING
FOR YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
LIKE A AUDITORIUM
OR A GYMNASIUM OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
IF YOU NEED ANY
MORE, COME TO ME.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
- I DIDN'T REALIZE
THERE WAS THAT KIND
OF DOUGH IN PICKING JUNK.
DON'T DESPAIR,
MAYNARD. YOU'LL MAKE IT.
- ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪
♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪
- SIR, WE JUST WANTED
TO SHOW YOU THE PLANS
FOR THE NEW CENTRAL
HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM.
APPLEBY AUDITORIUM,
WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT,
AND IT'LL BE BEAUTIFUL,
AND WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, SIR.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
I'M ONLY TOO GLAD TO DO IT.
I'M GLAD YOU STOPPED BY.
NOW, COME BY ANY
TIME YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- WELL, GOODBYE, MR. APPLEBY.
- BYE, MR. APPLEBY. APPLEBY.
- OH, THEY'RE RIGHT, SIR. THAT
WAS A MIGHTY HANDSOME THING
YOU DID FOR CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.
- AND I KNOW IT COST
YOU A PRETTY PENNY.
- YEAH, I THINK I KNOW WHERE
THE MONEY'S COMING FROM.
- WHERE, SIR?
- EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY,
YOUR SALARY IS CUT
ANOTHER 75%.
- OH, NO, SIR.
- OUTSIDE.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
- GILROY HERE.
YEAH, I KNOW I'M LATE,
BUT WHAT CAN I DO?
I'M RUNNING THE
YEARBOOK ALL BY MYSELF.
SURE, I COULD USE SOME HELP,
BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND IT?
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S
INADEQUATE, SECOND-RATE,
WEAK-KNEED,
CLOCK-WATCHING AND JERKY.
- YOU RANG?
- HI, ZELDA.
- I THINK I JUST
FOUND SOME HELP.
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.
I JUST WALKED INTO
THE YEARBOOK OFFICE
TO BORROW SOME MONEY
FROM ZELDA, SO MAYNARD AND
I COULD GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
MAYNARD HADN'T EATEN
FOR OVER AN HOUR,
AND HE GETS DESPERATE.
AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW,
I WAS A GENTLEMAN OF THE PRESS.
- MEN, THIS YEAR,
WE SENIORS AT CENTRAL
HIGH ARE GOING TO HAVE
THE BEST DARN YEARBOOK IN THE
WHOLE HISTORY OF THE SCHOOL.
- DOBE, I'M HUNGRY.
- A YEARBOOK...
- YEAH.
- WE WILL TREASURE AND
CHERISH IN THE YEARS TO COME.
- YOU AIN'T, LIKE,
GOT A BANANA ON YOU,
HAVE YOU, GOOD BUDDY?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- WHEN WE'RE SITTING IN
FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE
IN OUR SPLIT-LEVEL
HOME IN THE SUBURBS
WITH THE CHILDREN FAST ASLEEP
IN THEIR DR. DENTON'S UPSTAIRS,
WE WILL TAKE OUT THE
YEARBOOK, POOPSIE,
AND REMEMBER THOSE
FIRST, FINE, CARELESS DAYS
WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.
- ZELDA!
- A LOAF OF BREAD, AN
ICE CUBE, ANYTHING?
- MAYNARD, YOU CAN
EAT LATER. RIGHT NOW,
WE GOT TO GET CRACKING
ON THOSE CAPTIONS.
- CAPTIONS?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE,
BUT I'LL EAT THEM.
- MAYNARD, A CAPTION IS A LINE
YOU PUT UNDER A
PICTURE IN THE YEARBOOK
LIKE "MOST LIKELY TO
SUCCEED," "MOST INTELLIGENT,"
"MOST BEAUTIFUL," LIKE THAT.
- ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET TO IT.
- YEAH, BEFORE I
GO INTO A COMMA.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S COMA!
- I ALREADY PICKED
OUT SOME PICTURES.
- YEAH. OKAY.
LET'S SEE THEM.
- HERE, "MOST
LIKELY TO SUCCEED."
- HMM.
- "MOST INTELLIGENT,"
"MOST BEAUTIFUL."
- THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, ZELDA.
YOU'RE SO MODEST.
- YEAH, I GOT THAT,
TOO. "MOST MODEST."
- YEAH, WHAT'S THE
CAPTION ON MINE?
- "MOST LIKELY TO
MARRY ZELDA GILROY."
- NOW CUT THAT OUT!
- I KNOW THE CAPTION
ON MINE. "MOST HUNGRY."
- POSSESS YOUR SOUL
IN PATIENCE, MAYNARD.
I'M SENDING YOU TWO
BOYS OUT ON AN ASSIGNMENT
IN A FEW MINUTES, AS
SOON AS I READ YOU
THE CLASS POEM I WROTE
FOR THE YEARBOOK.
- OH?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
"CENTRAL HIGH, WE'RE
GOING TO MISS YOU.
"CENTRAL HIGH, WE
HUG AND KISS YOU.
"CENTRAL HIGH, OUR ALMA MATER,
"YOU'RE THE BEST
ON LAND OR WATER.
"CENTRAL HIGH, FOR
YOU, WE'RE BURNING
"WE WILL MISS YOUR
HALLS AND LEARNING.
"WE WILL MISS YOUR
KINDLY TEACHERS,
PRINCIPALS AND OTHER CREATURES."
- KIND OF GETS YOU
RIGHT HERE, HUH, DOBE?
- I DON'T KNOW, ZELDA.
MAYNARD'S STOMACH'S
GROWLING AWFUL LOUD.
- PLEASE, SMALL GIRL.
LET ME GO, SO I CAN
GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
- YOU'RE OUT OF MONEY. REMEMBER?
- I'LL TRAP SOMETHING.
PLEASE, ZELDA?
- ALL RIGHT, MEN.
I'M SENDING YOU OUT ON A
GREAT HUMAN INTEREST STORY.
EVERY YEAR, THE
YEARBOOK HAS A FEATURE
CALLED "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?"
WE LOOK UP SOMEBODY WHO
GRADUATED FROM CENTRAL HIGH
A LONG TIME AGO,
FIND OUT WHAT HE'S DOING
AND WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM.
- OH, WHO DO YOU
WANT US TO LOOK UP?
- I REALLY GOT A
LOOLOO THIS TIME.
I HAD TO DIG WAY BACK.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF
"SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY" APPLEBY?
- WELL, WHO HASN'T?
HE WAS THE GREATEST
FOOTBALL PLAYER
IN THE HISTORY OF CENTRAL HIGH.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
IN THE BIG GAME AGAINST
WEBSTER HIGH IN 1911,
HE SENT THE ENTIRE
WEBSTER TEAM TO THE HOSPITAL
AND THE COACH, TOO.
- YEAH.
- WE NEVER LOST A SINGLE GAME
WHEN SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WAS PLAYING FOR US.
- HMM.
- WHERE IS HE NOW?
- THAT'S WHAT YOU TWO
ARE GOING TO FIND OUT.
- WELL, WHERE DO
WE START LOOKING?
- HEY, LET'S START AT THE
LUNCH COUNTER, HUH, DOBE?
- JUST GET OUT AND
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
YOU'LL FIND HIM. YOU CAN DO IT.
- BUT WHAT IF HE MOVED
TO ANOTHER STATE
LIKE CLEVELAND?
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT
YOU'VE GOTTA FIND OUT
AND BRING ME BACK A STORY.
- YEAH. OH, OKAY, ZELDA.
- HEY, DOBE, DOBE?
REMEMBER WHAT WE CAME FOR?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH. ZELDA,
COULD YOU LEND US A LITTLE MONEY
TO BUY MAYNARD SOMETHING TO EAT?
- SURE, POOPSIE. HOW
MUCH DO YOU WANT?
- $20 OR $30. MAYNARD,
HERE'S A DOLLAR.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- AND HERE'S A PENCIL AND
PAPER FOR YOU, MY ACE REPORTER.
- ZELDA, PLEASE!
- AND HERE'S A CAMERA FOR
YOU, MY ACE PHOTOGRAPHER.
- HMM. YEAH.
- NOW, GO.
- OKAY.
- I'LL STAND BY TO TEAR
OUT THE FRONT PAGE.
- NOW I HAD TWO BIG PROBLEMS.
FIRST, HOW TO FEED MAYNARD
ON ONLY $1.
WELL, THAT PROBLEM GOT SOLVED.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, DOBE?
YOU GET A LOT MORE PEANUTS
FOR A DOLLAR THAN A DIME.
- TRUE, MAYNARD.
- ALMOST TWICE AS MUCH.
- YEAH, MAYNARD. UH-HUH.
THE SECOND PROBLEM
WAS HOW TO FIND
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
THIS WAS A REALLY TOUGH ONE.
- WHAT'S SO TOUGH ABOUT IT?
- WHAT'S SO TOUGH ABOUT IT?
WHY, THIS MAN COULD BE ANYWHERE
EUROPE, CHINA, AUSTRALIA.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND HIM?
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE DO, JUST
WALK UP TO THE FIRST PASSERBY
AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME, SIR,
BUT DO YOU HAPPEN TO BE
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY?"
- YES, I AM.
- HE COULD BE
ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
HE COULD BE DEAD,
FOR THAT MATTER.
HE C... MAYNARD, DID...
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.
- WHICH WAY DID HE GO?
- I THINK HE WENT THAT WAY.
- NO, THAT WAY.
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE WENT THAT WAY.
- NO, NO, I THINK
YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT WAY.
- MAYBE HE WENT THAT WAY.
- MAYNARD, COME ON!
- MR. APPLEBY WILL
BE HERE ANY MOMENT.
NATURALLY, WE WANT TO
MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION
ON THE NEW OWNER
OF KANE IRON AND STEEL.
- HE DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT...
AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?
- I MIGHT BE REX
THE WONDER HORSE,
BUT I'M NOT.
I'M SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
I OWN THIS PLACE
AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
- OH, WELL, MR. APPLEBY.
IT'S A GREAT PLEASURE,
I'M SURE. MY NAME IS...
- YES, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
I KNOW WHO THEY ARE,
I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE,
AND THEY'RE FIRED. COME ON.
GET OUT, YOU TIME SERVERS!
- OH, BUT, SIR...
- DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP.
GET OUT OF HERE!
GO ON! MOVE!
NOW THEN, YOU.
DO YOU WANT TO STAY ON
HERE AS RESIDENT COUNSELOR,
OR DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK
TO CHASING AMBULANCES?
- OH, I'LL STAY, SIR.
- FINE.
THEN YOUR SALARY WILL BE CUT 75%
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
- OH, BUT...
- QUIET!
I SUPPOSE YOU WONDER
WHY I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS.
I'LL TELL YOU.
EVERY TIME I BUY A NEW BUSINESS,
I GO OUT AND LOOK
AT THE TRASH PILE.
THAT'S WHAT I DID WHEN I
BOUGHT MONTGOMERY MOTORS.
THAT'S WHAT I DID WHEN I BOUGHT
INTERPLANETARY ELECTRONICS,
AND THAT'S WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO HERE.
THERE'S MORE PROFIT
GOES OUT THE BACK DOOR
THAN COMES IN THE FRONT.
THAT'S THE CURSE
OF BUSINESS, WASTE.
NOW WHERE'S YOUR TRASH PILE?
- WELL, IT'S OUT IN
BACK, I BELIEVE, SIR.
- ALL RIGHT. I'LL
TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
YOU BETTER FIRE THOSE
TWO SECRETARIES OUTSIDE.
- OH, YES, SIR.
- AND YOU, YOU BETTER
TAKE UP SHORTHAND.
HA! WASTE.
WASTE, WASTE, WASTE, WASTE.
- YOU WERE RIGHT,
DOBE. HE WENT THAT WAY.
- NO, MAYNARD. I
THINK YOU WERE RIGHT.
MAYNARD...
- IT'S HIM.
- YEAH.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
DID YOU SAY YOU WERE
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY?
- THAT'S RIGHT,
SON. NOW, BEAT IT.
- THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WHO WAS STAR FULLBACK
OF THE 1910 CENTRAL HIGH
SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM?
- THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WHO HAS PUT MORE MEN
IN THE HOSPITAL
THAN THE FLU EPIDEMIC.
I'M ABOUT TO ADD TWO MORE
TO MY LIST. NOW, BEAT IT!
- SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M LOOKING AT A JUNK
PILE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- BUT WHY?
- IT'S THE WAY I MAKE MY LIVING.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE
WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
- POOR OLD FELLA, ONCE
A GREAT FOOTBALL STAR,
THE IDOL OF THE CROWD,
A GRADUATE OF
CENTRAL HIGH, TODAY,
A POOR OLD
MISERABLE JUNK PICKER.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, GIVE ME THAT CAMERA.
MAYNARD, WE'RE
GOING TO DO SOMETHING
TO HELP THAT POOR OLD
MISERABLE SON OF CENTRAL HIGH.
- YOU'RE, LIKE, ALL HEART, DOBE.
- OH, DOBIE, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- IT WAS EVEN WORSE IN PERSON.
- IT WAS, LIKE, PATHETIC.
- IT ALMOST BROKE MY HEART,
WATCHING THAT POOR,
MISERABLE OLD MAN WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD!
IT'S A CRYING SHAME.
ZELDA, HERE'S A FINE OLD MAN
LIKE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY WHO RISKED LIFE AND LIMB
FOR CENTRAL HIGH,
AND LOOK AT HIM TODAY,
PENNILESS, FORGOTTEN,
SCRATCHING A MISERABLE
LIVING OUT OF JUNK PILES.
WE JUST CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN.
- WELL, WHAT CAN WE DO?
- GIVE HIM HIS OWN JUNK PILE.
- HEY, I'LL GIVE HIM MY
ALLOWANCE FOR THE NEXT MONTH.
THAT'S $20.
- AND I'LL CONTRIBUTE MINE.
THAT'S A TOTAL OF 40 BUCKS.
- AND I'LL GIVE MINE.
THAT'LL BE $40.35.
- THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.
- LIKE, RIGHT.
- WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT A
WAY TO RAISE A LOT MORE.
- LIKE, RIGHT.
- A WAY THAT'LL REALLY WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD, WE'RE BUSY.
WE GOT NO TIME FOR
YOUR LITTLE QUIRK.
- QUIRK!
- MAYNARD,
CUT THAT OUT! I SAID QUIRK.
- OH, I THOUGHT YOU
SAID WORK. WORK!
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
SAY, ZELDA, I KNOW
WHAT WE CAN DO.
- WHAT?
- THE SENIOR CLASS FUND,
HOW MUCH IS IN IT?
- WELL, $110. WHY?
- WELL...
- YEAH, GOOD THINKING, DOBE.
FIRST, WE FIND OUT
WHERE THEY KEEP IT.
- MAYNARD.
- THEN WE GET THEM FUNNY MASKS
AND PULL THEM
OVER OUR FACES, SEE,
AND ZELDA WAITS
OUTSIDE IN THE CAR
AND KEEPS THE MOTOR RUNNING,
AND IF WE CAN'T GET A
CAR, SHE WAITS OUTSIDE
AND HOLDS THE BUS TRANSFERS.
- MAYNARD.
- WE ZOOM PAST THE GUARDS...
- MAYNARD.
- BLAST 'EM WITH OUR
GAS AND HEIST THE LOOT!
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH, ENOUGH!
- AND THEN WE MAKE TRACKS
FOR THE BORDER BEFORE
THE POSSE CAN GET A...
- ZELDA, THE SENIOR CLASS FUND
MIGHT BE EXACTLY
WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
WHAT WAS THE CLASS
PLANNING TO DO WITH IT?
- WE WERE GOING TO USE THE
MONEY TO BUY A DRINKING FOUNTAIN
FOR THE GIRLS' GYM.
- LET'S GIVE IT TO
MR. APPLEBY INSTEAD.
- WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO
WITH A DRINKING FOUNTAIN?
- NO, WE USE THE MONEY FOR
OUR RAGGED, TATTERED OLD HERO,
AND THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING.
AFTER THAT, WE'LL
RAISE LOTS MORE.
- YEAH, WE CAN THROW A
BIG BENEFIT BAZAAR FOR HIM.
- I'LL SELL ICE CREAM,
AND ALL THE MONEY
WILL GO TO MR. APPLEBY.
- YEAH, I'LL SELL SODA POP.
- I'LL SELL CANDY.
- I'LL SELL PEANUTS.
- I'LL SELL HOT DOGS.
- I'LL SELL HAMBURGERS.
- AND I'LL SELL KISSES.
- AH.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA,
BUT AIN'T WE SUPPOSED TO
BE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY?
- NEVER MIND, MAYNARD.
ZELDA, THIS IS THE FINEST THING
ANY SENIOR CLASS HAS EVER DONE.
OUR PARTING GIFT TO CENTRAL HIGH
WILL BE A MAGNIFICENT GESTURE
TO SHOW THAT PATHETIC OLD WRETCH
THAT CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
DOESN'T FORGET YESTERDAY'S HEROES.
- GEE, ZELDA, I'M
GETTING, LIKE, ALL MISTY.
- ME, TOO.
DOBE, HAS ANYBODY EVER
TOLD YOU YOU'RE ALL HEART?
- YEAH, ME.
- IT'S A FAR, FAR BETTER THING
WE DO THAN WE HAVE EVER DONE.
THAT WAS THE BEGINNING
OF OUR CAMPAIGN
TO SAVE
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
ALL THE WEAPONS AT OUR COMMAND,
WERE THROWN INTO THE BATTLE,
AND WHAT A BATTLE THAT WAS.
- THE POWER OF THE PRESS
WILL SAVE THIS POOR
MISERABLE WRETCH.
COPY BOY, TAKE THIS DOWN.
HERE'S THE LEAD FOR
THE GREATEST STORY
THIS YEARBOOK HAS EVER CARRIED.
STUDENTS OF CENTRAL HIGH,
PUT YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS.
WHAT DO YOU FIND THERE,
A HANDFUL OF COINS?
TO YOU, THEY MAY BE
BUT A FEW PALTRY PENNIES,
BUT TO A TIRED, BEATEN,
UNHAPPY OLD BAG OF BONES,
THEY CAN BE THE
DOOR TO A NEW LIFE,
NEW HOPES, NEW HORIZONS.
DIG INTO THOSE POCKETS
AND SHOW THAT CENTRAL HIGH
STILL REMEMBERS AND APPRECIATES
ITS GREAT HERO OF A BYGONE ERA,
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
- BEAUTIFUL, ZELDA.
- OKAY, MAYNARD. NOW,
READ TO ME WHAT I JUST SAID.
- RIGHT. STUDENTS...
- WELL, GO ON.
- THAT'S ALL I GOT.
YOU, LIKE, TALK TOO FAST.
- MAYNARD!
- STOP THE PRESSES.
IS EVERYBODY
HELPLESS AROUND HERE?
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
- COPY BOY, GET THAT PHONE
AND ACT LIKE A NEWSPAPER MAN.
- CHECK, STOP THE PRESSES.
- MAYNARD, YOU JUST
TELL THEM WHO YOU ARE.
- MAYNARD G. KREBS,
ACE REPORTER HERE.
APPLEBY,
SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
HOW DO YOU SPELL IT? IT'S A-P
- P...
- L B.
- MAYNARD, YOU BETTER
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
UH-HUH. YEAH.
DOBIE GILLIS, ASSISTANT EDITOR.
CHECK, CHECK, YEAH,
HE WAS THE GREATEST HERO
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL EVER HAD,
AND HE'S A POOR, BROKEN
WRECK OF A MAN NOW.
CHECK, CHECK. UH-HUH, CHECK.
- DOBIE, WHO WAS THAT?
- SOMEBODY NAMED CHECK.
THAT WAS THE "DAILY BUGLE."
THEY HEARD ABOUT MR. APPLEBY,
AND THEY WANTED
TO KNOW THE DETAILS.
- HEY, CENTRAL
HIGH WILL BE FAMOUS.
- AND MR. APPLEBY WILL
GET BACK ON HIS FEET.
- STOP THE PRESSES!
- STOP THE PRESSES?
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- COME ON, MEN. WE GOT TO
GET ROLLING ON THAT EDITORIAL.
MAYNARD, TEAR
OUT THE FRONT PAGE.
- YEAH.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
NOT WHAT SHE MEANT!
- MAYNARD, GO GET SOME
PAPER FROM THE SUPPLY ROOM.
- RIGHT.
- GIVE US YOUR OLD
CLOTHES FOR A FINE OLD MAN.
- SAVE OUR DODDERING OLD HERO.
- EVERYBODY GIVES.
- HERE, HERE!
- DON'T BE A CHEAPSKATE.
- DON'T BE A TIGHTWAD.
- YOU DON'T NEED THESE
OLD CLOTHES ANYHOW.
- WE'LL TAKE ANYTHING.
- WE'RE EAGER.
WE'RE...
MAYNARD, I SAID WE WERE EAGER,
NOT DESPERATE.
HERE, PUT THESE BACK ON.
- "LED BY DOBIE GILLIS,
"THE STUDENTS OF
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
"ARE DIGGING DEEP
INTO THEIR POCKETS
"TO SHOW THAT PATHETIC OLD
WRETCH THAT CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
DOESN'T FORGET
YESTERDAY'S HERO."
DOBIE, DEAR, DID ANYBODY EVER
TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE ALL HEART?
- IS EVERYBODY DEAF? ME.
- LOOKIT HERE, IT'S IN ALL
THE DOWNTOWN PAPERS, TOO.
OH, I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.
- I'M GLAD, DAD,
BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO
ASK YOU TO CONTRIBUTE
TO THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY FUND, $10.
- NOT THAT PROUD.
- HERBERT, GIVE HIM THE MONEY,
AND BE THANKFUL THAT
YOU HAVE IT TO GIVE.
- WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, WINNIE.
THAT POOR OLD MAN OUT THERE,
PICKING JUNK,
HERE, TAKE THIS, BOY.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
- HERE, TAKE THIS, TOO.
HE PROBABLY HASN'T HAD
A SQUARE MEAL IN YEARS.
- THANKS, DAD.
- AND THESE, TOO.
- THANKS, MOM.
- AND THIS, TOO?
- YEAH.
- THANKS, MAYNARD.
- AND THIS. MAYNARD!
I KNOW YOU SPEND ENOUGH
TIME AROUND HERE TO QUALIFY,
BUT YOU ARE NOT REALLY
A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY,
SO IF YOU'RE GOING
TO GIVE SOMETHING,
GIVE SOMETHING YOU OWN.
- I JUST GOT CARRIED
AWAY. I'M ALL HEART, TOO.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
I'M PROUD OF YOU,
AND YOU, HERBERT,
AND ESPECIALLY YOU, DOBIE.
- THANKS, MOM.
- WELL, YOU'RE NOT ANY
PROUDER OF HIM THAN I AM.
- WELL, I'M PROUDER
THAN EITHER OF YOU.
- YOU ARE NOT. I'M PROUDER.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO HERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO THERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO HERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD
OF HIM UP TO THERE.
- WELL, I'M PROUD OF HIM...
- MAYNARD!
WE ARE ALL PROUD OF HIM.
- WE SURE ARE.
- DITTO, MR. G.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I'M PROUD OF HIM UP...
- MAYNARD, PLEASE!
- DOBIE'S DOING SUCH
A WONDERFUL THING,
AND HIS PAYMENT WILL COME
WHEN HE SEES THE GRATITUDE
AND THE APPRECIATION
ON THE POOR OLD FACE
OF MR. APPLEBY.
- MURDER, DEATH!
I'LL KILL THEM.
I'LL CRUSH THEIR
SKULLS LIKE EGGSHELLS.
I'LL SUE THEM INTO
THE POOR HOUSE!
WITHERS! YOU
PANTYWAIST, COME IN HERE!
- OH, YES, SIR.
- GET OVER HERE!
- YES, SIR.
- WITHERS, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT?
- OH, DEAR.
- AND THIS?
- OH, GOODNESS!
- YES, HELP US SAVE
THIS POOR BEATEN,
DOWN-TRODDEN OLD MAN.
GIVE HIM YOUR OLD CLOTHES.
THIS POOR PATHETIC
WRETCH CAN USE ANYTHING.
NOW WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO SAY TO THAT?
- THEY MISSPELLED
PATHETIC WRETCH.
- AH, QUIET!
YOU'RE A LAWYER, AREN'T YOU?
- YES, SIR.
- THAT'S LIBEL, ISN'T IT?
- OH, DEFINITELY, SIR.
- THEN WE'LL SUE HIM
WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE.
- OH, BUT, MR. APPLEBY, SIR, HE'S
ONLY A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT,
THIS DOBIE GILLIS.
NOW, HOW MUCH CAN YOU GET
OUT OF A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT?
- HE HAS A FATHER, HASN'T HE?
AND THE FATHER
OWNS A GROCERY STORE
AND A TRUCK AND A
G.I. INSURANCE POLICY
AND $1100 IN THE BANK.
I'M GOING TO GET
EVERY NICKEL OF IT.
COME ON NOW, YOU,
AND GET YOUR BRIEFCASE.
- YES, SIR.
- GEE, THANKS, MOM, THANKS, DAD.
- GEE, THANKS, MOM, THANKS, DAD.
- MAYNARD. I BETTER GO
OVER TO THE SCHOOL NOW.
WE'RE HAVING A RALLY
DURING LUNCH HOUR
FOR THE SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY
APPLEBY FUND.
- SAY, THAT DOESN'T
GIVE YOU MUCH TIME.
I BETTER DRIVE YOU OVER, HUH?
- NEVER MIND, MR. G.
I CAN DRIVE HIM.
- MAYNARD, YOU
DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR.
- GOOD THINKING.
- GOOD THINKING.
- COME ON, SON.
- MR. G.?
- YEAH.
- I'M PROUD OF HIM UP TO HERE.
- MAYNARD, COME ON!
- MAY I HELP YOU?
- I'M SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
- OH, MY GOODNESS!
YOU MUST TRY TO EAT SOMETHING.
- WHAT'S THAT FOR?
- OH, NOW, DON'T
BE PROUD WITH US,
MR. APPLEBY. YOU TAKE IT.
- WELL, I NEVER TURNED DOWN
ANYTHING THAT WAS FOR FREE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
I LIKE WITH APPLES?
A NICE PIECE OF CHOCOLATE.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
HAVE ANY CHEESE?
- WHY, CERTAINLY.
- ANY BUTTERMILK?
- BUT OF COURSE.
SALAMI?
- THANK YOU.
WE'LL PUT THIS IN THE
BRIEFCASE FOR LATER.
NOW THEN, YOU, I TAKE IT,
ARE THE MOTHER OF DOBIE GILLIS.
- THE PROUD MOTHER.
- AND WHERE IS THE PROUD FATHER?
- WELL, HE TOOK DOBIE TO
SCHOOL. HE SHOULD BE ALONG.
- WILLIS, HOW MUCH DO YOU
THINK THE JOINT IS WORTH?
- OH, SIX OR EIGHT THOUSAND
FROM WHAT I CAN SEE.
- YOU HAVE MUCH OF
AN INVENTORY OUT BACK?
- OH, NOT TERRIBLY MUCH.
- WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
- UPSTAIRS.
- WHAT KIND OF
FURNITURE DO YOU HAVE?
- OH, OLD THINGS, MOSTLY.
- ANTIQUES?
- OH, NO,
JUST THINGS WE BOUGHT
WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.
- UH-UH.
WELL, PUT DOWN ABOUT
$500 FOR PERSONAL EFFECTS.
- WHY ARE YOU ASKING
ALL THESE QUESTIONS?
- DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, MADAM?
- WHY, CERTAINLY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE
IN MY SON'S ARTICLE.
- NO, IT ISN'T ALL THERE, MADAM.
I OWN THE KANE IRON
AND STEEL COMPANY,
THE INTERPLANETARY
ELECTRONICS COMPANY,
THE AMALGAMATED COPPER COMPANY,
AND I AM PRESIDENT
OF THE DROVERS AND
PLANTERS NATIONAL BANK.
- YOU ARE?
- TELL HER.
- HE IS.
- WELL, YOU MUST'VE GOTTEN
A MIGHTY GOOD CHUCKLE
OUT OF MY BOY'S LITTLE ARTICLE.
- MADAM, I HAVEN'T HAD A
GOOD CHUCKLE SINCE 1933
WHEN I FORECLOSED
ON AN ENTIRE COUNTY.
GIVE IT TO HER.
- LIBEL? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- EXPLAIN IT TO HER, COUNSELOR.
- LIBEL IS HOLDING A PERSON
UP TO PUBLIC RIDICULE,
CONTEMPT AND DERISION,
CAUSING MENTAL ANGUISH
AND LOSS OF RESPECT
AND ESTEEM IN THE COMMUNITY,
CASTING DOUBT ON A
MAN'S BUSINESS RELIABILITY
AND PERSONAL
CHARACTER AND IN GENERAL,
IMPAIRING PUBLIC
CONFIDENCE AND RESPECT.
- AND CALLING ME A
MISERABLE WRETCH,
A DECREPIT OLD HULK, A
WEATHER-BEATEN PAUPER
AND A PATHETIC OLD MAN.
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
THAT WAS ALL A MISTAKE.
- YES, A MISTAKE THAT WILL
COST YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND
AND THAT IDIOT SON OF YOURS
EVERYTHING THAT YOU OWN,
EVERYTHING THAT
YOU EVER HOPE TO OWN.
- DOBE, WHEN WE GET
DOWN TO THE HIGH SCHOOL,
DO YOU MIND IF I STICK
AROUND AND WATCH
THIS RALLY YOU'RE PUTTING
ON FOR OLD MAN APPLEBY?
- SURE, DAD, IF YOU WANT TO.
- OH, I DO, SON.
I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA,
AND I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU, BOY.
- NOT AS PROUD AS ME.
I'M PROUD OF HIM UP TO...
- BOY, HOW MUCH
MONEY DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO
RAISE FOR THE OLD MAN?
- WELL, WE STARTED OFF WITH
$110 IN THE SENIOR CLASS FUND,
AND THEN WITH WHAT WE TOOK IN
FROM THE BAZAAR
AND THE OLD CLOTHES
- YEAH.
- AND THE RAFFLE...
- IT'S PROBABLY THREE OR FIVE
HUNDRED BUCKS. MAN, WHAT A HAUL!
IF WE GRAB THOSE KIDS
BEFORE THEY GET TO APPLEBY
- MAYNARD, I TOLD
YOU TO CUT THAT OUT!
- YEAH, AND WE DON'T
HEAD FOR MEXICO, SEE.
EVERY TOM, DICK AND HAROLD
MOVES DOWN CUCARACHA
WAY. WE HEAD NORTH, SEE.
- WHAT KIND OF
COCKEYED TALK IS THIS?
- WE ADIOS UP TO CANADA.
WHO'D EVER THINK OF
LOOKING FOR US THERE?
I MEAN, CANADA'S A WHOLE
ENTIRELY DIFFERENT CITY.
- YEAH.
- OH, MAYNARD, PIPE DOWN.
- HMM, MAN. WHAT A
SHREWD-THINKING FELLOW
YOU ARE, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
WHILE ALL THOSE COP
CATS ARE RUNNING AROUND
LOOKING AT TORTILLAS
AND ENCHILADAS,
WE'VE VAMOOSED TO
OTHER PLACES, HUH?
- YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.
- OH, SURE, I WILL, MR. G.
I WILL DEFINITE...
- NO, WHAT ABOUT THE ROYAL
CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE?
- NOBODY WILL
EVER CA... OH, YEAH,
THEY ALWAYS GET THEIR MAN, HUH?
- UH-HUH.
- RIGHT.
- AND I'M A MAN, KIND OF.
- KIND OF.
- YEAH. OH, I GOT IT!
CLEVELAND. OOH!
- CLEVELAND?
- LIKE, YEAH. NOBODY
EVER GOES TO CLEVELAND.
I MEAN, WHO WOULD
FIND US IN CLEVELAND?
- DAD, STOP ENCOURAGING HIM.
- I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T GET
AWAY WITH IT, KILLER.
- RIGHT, COPPER.
- DAD, CUT THAT OUT!
YOU KNOW HOW MAYNARD
GETS CARRIED AWAY.
- DOBIE'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
YOU CAN'T GO TO CANADA,
AND YOU CAN'T GO TO CLEVELAND.
HOW ABOUT TRYING CINCINN...
- DAD!
- NATI?
- MAYNARD!
I'M ASHAMED OF THE TWO OF YOU,
CARRYING ON LIKE THIS WHEN WE
SHOULD BE THINKING OF THAT POOR,
SWEET, LOVABLE OLD MAN.
- SHAME, DOUBLE SHAME!
WHY, YOU ARE A DECREPIT WRETCH
AND A MISERABLE HULK!
- MADAM, HE IS NOT
A MISERABLE HULK.
THE KIND OF HULK
HE IS IS DECREPIT.
- WITHERS!
- I'M JUST QUOTING
THE EVIDENCE, SIR.
- ALSO DETESTABLE,
DESPICABLE AND HATEFUL!
- YOU HEAR THAT, WITHERS?
NOW WE CAN SUE THE WHOLE FAMILY,
MAKE IT A PACKAGE LAWSUIT.
- RIGHT.
- WHY, THIS IS
POSITIVELY SHAMEFUL!
AT THIS VERY MOMENT,
MY BOY, DOBIE,
BLESS HIS DEAR, SWEET HEART,
IS OVER AT THE HIGH
SCHOOL MAKING A SPEECH
IN ORDER TO RAISE MONEY FOR YOU,
YOU MISERABLE SCOUNDREL!
- DID YOU HEAR THAT,
WITHERS? MAKING A SPEECH.
THAT'S MORE EVIDENCE. CAN
YOU TAKE DOWN SHORTHAND?
- OH, YES, SIR, 100
WORDS A MINUTE.
- YOU BETTER GET IT UP TO 150
IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
- WE'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.
- ATTENTION. YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE.
- LIKE, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
MY GOOD BUDDY, DOBIE'S
GOING TO MAKE A SPEECH.
- UH-HUH.
- YEAH, QUIET DOWN
AND LISTEN TO WHAT
MY BOY HAS TO SAY.
- YEAH. KIDS, THE SNACK
BAR'S CLOSED TODAY.
TODAY, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU
SPEND YOUR MONEY ON ICE CREAM
AND ROOT BEER AND CANDY.
- NOT THAT I'VE GOT
ANYTHING AGAINST ICE CREAM,
ROOT BEER AND CANDY, BUT TODAY,
YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING MORE
IMPORTANT TO DO WITH YOUR MONEY.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU NOT
ONLY FOR ICE CREAM MONEY,
BUT ALSO FOR THE MONEY
YOU'VE BEEN
STICKING IN YOUR SOCK
FOR NEW RECORDS AND NEW SKIS
AND NEW HUBCAPS AND LIKE THAT.
I WANT IMPORTANT
MONEY FROM YOU TODAY
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT
AN IMPORTANT JOB TO DO.
YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT THE FUND
FOR SHOW-'EM-NO-MERCY APPLEBY.
YOU'VE ALL BEEN GENEROUS,
YOU'VE ALL CONTRIBUTED,
BUT I WANT YOU TO
CONTRIBUTE MORE.
I WANT TO PUSH THIS
FUND OVER THE TOP,
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
WE'RE ALL SENIORS HERE,
ABOUT TO LEAVE CENTRAL HIGH.
THIS SCHOOL'S GIVEN
US AN AWFUL LOT,
NOT ONLY THE STUFF
WE GOT OUT OF BOOKS
BUT A LOT OF THINGS
YOU DON'T FIND
IN THE CURRICULUM,
I MEAN, DEVOTION AND
DEDICATION AND A REAL HONEST,
UNSELFISH CONCERN
ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE
WE'RE GOING TO GROW UP TO BE.
WELL, LET'S SHOW CENTRAL
HIGH HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE.
LET'S SHOW IT NOT BY BUYING
ANOTHER DRINKING FOUNTAIN
OR ANOTHER SET OF
BOOKS FOR THE LIBRARY
OR ANOTHER ROW OF
BLEACHERS FOR THE STADIUM.
LET'S SHOW IT BY A
LIVING TESTIMONY.
LET'S PAY TRIBUTE, I SAID
TRIBUTE, NOT CHARITY,
TO A MAN WHO HAD IT IN HIS
HEART TO RETURN THE LOVE
AND DEVOTION THAT
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
FELT FOR HIM, A MAN
WHO, WEEK AFTER WEEK,
GOT OUT ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD
WITH ONLY ONE
THOUGHT IN HIS MIND,
TO GIVE HIS LAST
OUNCE OF STRENGTH
FOR THE SCHOOL HE LOVED,
THE SCHOOL THAT LOVED HIM,
A MAN WHOSE SPIRIT BURNS BRIGHT,
A BEACON TO LIGHT THE
WAY INTO THE FUTURE.
THINK OF WHAT KIND OF MAN
MR. APPLEBY COULD BE IF
HE HAD THE BREAKS WE HAVE,
BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE,
SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED,
SOMETHING THAT TURNED A FINE,
UPSTANDING CITIZEN INTO
A PITIABLE FIGURE OF A MAN.
WHAT WAS IT? NOBODY KNOWS.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO MAKE UP
FOR WHATEVER WENT WRONG
FOR THIS MAN WHO DID SO
MUCH FOR CENTRAL HIGH.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE
UP FOR WHATEVER WE...
- MR. APPLEBY, I JUST CAN'T
GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
I JUST CAN'T.
- WITHERS, ME, NEITHER.
- A MAN...
- HOLD IT, SON.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- MR. APPLEBY. HERE, SIT DOWN,
YOU POOR, DEAR OLD THING.
- CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO EAT?
- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE. I'M NOT POOR,
AND I'M NOT A DEAR.
I'M A JILLIONAIRE,
ROTTEN CLEAR
THROUGH TO THE CORE,
BUT THANK YOU FOR LETTING
ME SEE THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.
HERE, HERE, YOU TAKE THIS MONEY
AND ALL THE MONEY
YOU MAKE AT THE SALE
AND BUY SOMETHING
FOR YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
LIKE A AUDITORIUM
OR A GYMNASIUM OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
IF YOU NEED ANY
MORE, COME TO ME.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
- I DIDN'T REALIZE
THERE WAS THAT KIND
OF DOUGH IN PICKING JUNK.
DON'T DESPAIR,
MAYNARD. YOU'LL MAKE IT.
- ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪
♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪
- SIR, WE JUST WANTED
TO SHOW YOU THE PLANS
FOR THE NEW CENTRAL
HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM.
APPLEBY AUDITORIUM,
WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT,
AND IT'LL BE BEAUTIFUL,
AND WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, SIR.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
I'M ONLY TOO GLAD TO DO IT.
I'M GLAD YOU STOPPED BY.
NOW, COME BY ANY
TIME YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- WELL, GOODBYE, MR. APPLEBY.
- BYE, MR. APPLEBY. APPLEBY.
- OH, THEY'RE RIGHT, SIR. THAT
WAS A MIGHTY HANDSOME THING
YOU DID FOR CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.
- AND I KNOW IT COST
YOU A PRETTY PENNY.
- YEAH, I THINK I KNOW WHERE
THE MONEY'S COMING FROM.
- WHERE, SIR?
- EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY,
YOUR SALARY IS CUT
ANOTHER 75%.
- OH, NO, SIR.
- OUTSIDE.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪