The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 17 - Zelda, Get Off My Back - full transcript

Dobie encourages Zelda to go and be wined and dined while tutoring the Yale-aspiring Chatsworth (thus freeing Dobie to date other girls). Will it be "out of sight, out of mind" or will Zelda's absence make his heart grow fonder?

- AH, LAVENDER AND OLD LACE.

SO LIKE YOU, MY SWEET JESSICA.

- IS MY DOBIKINS MAKING
FUN OF HIS LITTLE JESSICANS

BECAUSE SHE'S SO TOO TOO
UTTERLY OLD-FASHIONED?

- OH, BUT NO, MY JESSICANS.

YOUR DOBIKINS
THINKS HIS JESSICANS

IS TOO TOO UTTERLY DIVINE,

AND HE CAN'T WAIT

UNTIL THAT TOO TOO UTTERLY
DIVINE MOMENT NEXT MONTH

WHEN WE SHALL BE
WALKING UP THE AISLE

SIDE BY SIDE TO
GET OUR DIPLOMAS.



AH, MY JESSICANS,
WHAT GLORIOUS HARMONY

WE SHALL MAKE TOGETHER.

- STOP THE MUSIC!

- ZELDA, YOU WERE SPYING ON ME.

- I'M NOT SPYING,

I'M JUST PROTECTING MY
INVESTMENT IN YOU, BUSTER.

- MATA HARI.
- QUIET, DOBIKINS.

AND AS FOR YOU, MY EMPTY-HEADED
BLEACHED-BLONDE FRIEND,

LET ME PRESENT THE FACTS.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU WILL
NOT BE WALKING UP THE AISLE

SIDE BY SIDE WITH DOBIE,

BECAUSE AT GRADUATION
WE LINE UP ALPHABETICALLY,

AND HE'S G FOR GILLIS,

AND YOU'RE Z FOR ZEFFELHORSE.



- Z FOR ZELDA, WILL YOU DO
ME THE HONOR TO GET LOST?

- OF COURSE NOT, POOPSIE.

YOU LOVE ME AND YOU
WANT ME TO BE HERE.

- NOW, CUT THAT OUT!

- FACE UP TO IT.

EITHER YOU STICK WITH ME, OR
IN THE BASEBALL GAME OF LIFE,

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GET OUT OF THE BULLPEN.

- WHO SAYS I HAVE
TO STICK WITH YOU?

WHO SAYS SO? YOU
DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

- I DO, AND BE QUIET,

I'M MEASURING YOU FOR A
SWEATER. HERE, HOLD THIS.

- ZELDA, WILL YOU
PLEASE GET OFF MY BACK?

ALL THE TIME...

ZELDA, WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SHE PRACTICALLY OWNS YOU.
- SHE DOES NOT.

- I DO TOO, AND I DON'T
BELIEVE IN LEND-LEASE.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- THERE ARE MANY FINE THINGS

TO BE SAID ABOUT ZELDA GILROY,

ALL OF WHICH ESCAPE
ME AT THE MOMENT.

I MEAN, SHE'S KIND TO STRAY
DOGS AND LOST KITTENS

AND PARENTS AND
OTHER UNFORTUNATES,

SO WHY ISN'T SHE KIND TO ME?

ME SHE'S GOT IN THIS HAMMERLOCK,

AND THE STRAIN IS
TURNING ME INTO A SHAKY,

SKITTISH, FIDGETY,
BROKEN-DOWN WRECK.

- YOU RANG?

HI, DOBE.
- HI, MAYNARD.

- WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, DOING?
- THINKING.

- YEAH. IT'S NOT MY
LINE OF WORK. WORK?

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, LOOK,

I'VE GOT TO FIGURE A WAY
TO GET ZELDA OFF MY BACK.

- DOES IT HAVE
TO BE, LIKE, LEGAL?

- OF COURSE IT HAS TO BE LEGAL.

YOU DON'T THINK...

WHAT'D YOU HAVE IN MIND?

- WELL, I FIGURE
WE'D TAKE HER UP

TO THE TOP OF LOVER'S LEAP, SEE,

AND I LOOK AROUND AND MAKE
SURE NOBODY'S WATCHING,

YOU GIVE HER A LITTLE
PUSH, RIGHT OVER...

- MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED.

WE'RE NOT THE KIND OF FELLAS
THAT DO THINGS LIKE THAT.

BESIDES, THE POLICE DEPARTMENT

IN THIS TOWN IS TOO
SHARP. WE'D GET CAUGHT.

- DOBIE, YOU'RE BEHIND SCHEDULE.

YOU DIDN'T STOP BY THE LAB
FOR YOUR TUTORING IN BIOLOGY.

- THAT'S RIGHT, ZELDA, I DIDN'T.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT I DID INSTEAD?

I MET A GIRL ON THE BUS

NAMED MONICA KLAUSS,

AND I RODE TWO
MILES PAST MY STOP

SO I COULD MAKE A DATE WITH HER,

AND SHE'S MEETING ME
HERE IN FIVE MINUTES,

AND THAT'S WHAT I DID INSTEAD.
- PISH-POSH.

NOW, LOOK, WE'LL MAKE UP
THE BIOLOGY AT MY HOUSE

FROM 4:00 TO 5:00.

LATIN DECLENSIONS 5:00 TO 6:00.

- ZELDA...
- SWEATER FITTING RIGHT NOW.

- LOOK, ZELDA, I DON'T
WANT A SWEATER.

I DON'T NEED A SWEATER.

I'M NOT THE SWEATER TYPE.

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, ZELDA,

THIS NAGGING'S GOT TO STOP.

YOU'VE GOT TO QUIT BUGGING
ME WITH YOUR SCHEDULES

AND YOUR SWEATER AND YOUR...

- YOU FORGOT TO
TAKE YOUR VITAMIN PILL.

- ZELDA, DON'T YOU
UNDERSTAND? I WANT TO BE FREE.

FREE, FREE, FREE, DO YOU HEAR?

OH, THAT TASTES TERRIBLE.

- ATTABOY, POOPSIE. NOW,
YOU STOP BY THE GYM AT 3:30,

AND I'LL START YOU
ON THOSE EXERCISES

TO BUILD UP YOUR
LATTISIMUS DORSAL MUSCLES.

- ZELDA! NOW, ZELDA,
COME BACK HERE! ZELDA!

- SO AFTER WE SLIP THE
MICKEY INTO HER SANDWICH,

WE STEAL A CAR AND WE HEAD
TO THE BORDER AND THEN...

- MAYNARD, DON'T TEMPT ME.

- DOBE, YOU AIN'T NOTHING
BUT A MISERABLE WRETCH.

- YEAH. YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

- YOU AIN'T NOTHING
BUT A MISERABLE...

- OKAY. OKAY.

- I AM NOTHING BUT A
MISERABLE WRETCH.

- PULL, VEDAGLIO!

GERONIMO.

CHATSWORTH, YOU ARE NOT
ONLY A MISERABLE WRETCH,

YOU ARE NASTY.

THIS REPORT CARD IS A DISGRACE.

LATIN, D,

ALGEBRA, D MINUS,
CHEMISTRY, F PLUS.

NOT A SINGLE "A."

- OH, MUMSY, IT'S
SCARCELY MY FAULT

THE CURRICULUM
DOESN'T INCLUDE POLO.

- ALL OSBORNES ARE NASTY,

BUT TO BE AS DUMB AS A POST,

GAD, THAT IS A
DISGRACE. PULL, VEDAGLIO.

[GUNSHOT]

TOUCHÉ.

CHATSWORTH, IF YOUR
GRADES DON'T IMPROVE,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

- YOU'LL TAKE AWAY MY
LITTLE BLUE SPORTS CAR.

- RIGHT.

- AND YOU'LL TAKE AWAY MY
40-FOOT WHITE CABIN CRUISER.

- RIGHT.

- AND YOU'LL TAKE
AWAY MY BLUE BLAZER

WITH THE SOLID GOLD BUTTONS

AND THE OSBORNE CREST
ON ALL THE POCKETS.

- RIGHT. BUT SOMETHING
EVEN NASTIER WILL HAPPEN.

- YOU MEAN?
- YES.

IF YOUR GRADES DON'T IMPROVE,
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

WILL NOT BE ADMITTED TO YALE.

- NOT BE ADMITTED TO
YALE? OH, NO, NOT THAT.

- NASTY OSBORNE
AFTER NASTY OSBORNE

HAS ATTENDED YALE.

- NOT GOT TO YALE?

- THE ONLY OTHER OSBORNE
WHO NEVER ATTENDED YALE

WAS YOUR UNCLE FIDEL.

HE DIED OF STUPIDITY
AT THE AGE OF 93.

- NOT GO TO YALE.

NO FOOTBALL WEEKENDS.
NO VASSAR GIRLS.

- ♪ MARCH, MARCH ON DOWN
THE FIELD, FIGHTING FOR ELI ♪

- NO SUITS WITH NARROW LAPELS.

- ♪ BREAK THROUGH
THE CRIMSON LINE ♪

- NO REVELS AND
FROLICS ON THE OLD QUAD.

♪ WE'LL GIVE A LONG
CHEER FOR ELI'S MEN ♪

♪ WE'RE HERE TO WIN AGAIN ♪

♪ HARVARD'S TEAM
CAN FIGHT TO THE END ♪

♪ BUT YALE WILL WIN ♪

BULLDOG! BULLDOG!

BOW WOW WOW! ELI YALE!

- OH, MUMSY, MUMSY, MUMSY.

- ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH.

BREAK CLEAN.

- I'LL DO IT, MUMSY.

I'LL DO IT. I'LL RAISE MY GRADES

SO THAT DEAR OLD YALE
WILL BE FORCED TO ADMIT

ONE MORE NASTY OSBORNE.

- THEN I SHALL BE
PROUD OF MY NASTY BOY.

- BUT HOW WILL I
RAISE MY GRADES?

HOW? HOW? HOW?

AND WHO WILL HELP
ME? WHO? WHO? WHO?

- ME. ME. ME.

I'M THE ONE WHO'S
GOING TO NAG YOU

INTO BEING RICH,
SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY,

EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU MISERABLE.

NOW, SHAPE UP, BOY,
WE'VE GOT STUDYING TO DO.

- DO WE HAVE TO?
- YOU HAVE TO.

- HEY, DIDN'T YOU HEAR
MY MOTHER CALLING ME?

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
GOING TO STICK WITH ME.

- OKAY. NOW, WE'LL BEGIN
WITH A HISTORY LESSON.

- UH-HUH.
- DOBIE,

WHO WERE THE SIX
WIVES OF HENRY VIII?

- HENRY VIII.
- YEAH, DOBE.

TELL HER THE EIGHT
WIVES HENRY VI.

- MAYNARD.

- FOUR WIVES OF HENRY III?

- MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD.

- THE NINE LIVES...
- MAYNARD, QUIET.

NOW, THE EIGHT WIVES...
SIX WIVES OF HENRY VIII, HUH?

- HEY, AIN'T HE THE CAT
THAT LOOKS LIKE CAPTAIN BLY?

- MAYNARD, CLAM UP.
- YEAH.

AND CAPTAIN BLY, HE LOOKS
LIKE CHARLES LAUGHTON.

- MAYNARD.

- HEY, ZELDA, YOU'RE 100%
BRAIN, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

SO HOW COME ALL THEM
HISTORY CHARACTERS

LOOK LIKE CHARLES LAUGHTON?

- MAYNARD, I HAVE NO
TIME FOR STUPID RIDDLES.

- ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SPITTING
IMAGE OF RAYMOND MASSEY.

- MAYNARD!
- BELLA LUGOSI,

A DEAD RINGER FOR DRACULA.

"DON'T BE AFRAID.
I WON'T HURT YOU."

- MAYNARD, COME ON NOW.

- AND CHARLTON HESTON,

HE LOOKS LIKE PRACTICALLY
EVERYBODY, YEAH.

- MAYNARD, I'M GOING
TO CLOBBER YOU.

- AND FULTON SIGAFOOS.
- MAYNARD!

- FULTON SIGAFOOS?
- YEAH.

HE LOOKS LIKE MY AUNT HARRIET.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!

- DOBIE, WE MUST PRESS ON,

DESPITE THIS DRAGGING ANCHOR.
- YES.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, WELCOME.
- NOW NOW, DOBIE...

- WHO WERE THE SIX
WIVES OF HENRY VIII? THINK.

- HEY, I REMEMBER.

THEY WERE ALL NAMED
CATHERINE SOMETHING,

EXCEPT A BUNCH OF THEM
WERE NAMED ANN SOMETHING.

- STRICTLY FLUNKSVILLE.

- WHY?
- NOW LISTEN.

HENRY VIII'S FIRST WIFE

WAS CATHERINE OF ARAGON.
- YEAH.

- HIS SECOND WIFE
WAS ANNE BOLEYN.

- SEE, I WAS RIGHT.

- HIS THIRD WIFE
WAS JANE SEYMOUR.

- BRAVO, ZELDA!

IT TAKES COURAGE
AND A SLEDGEHAMMER

TO POUND INFORMATION

INTO THAT ROCK
HARD GILLIS SKULL.

- DON'T BE SO SMART, CHATSWORTH.

YOUR GRADES AREN'T EXACTLY
BURNING THE SCHOOL DOWN EITHER.

- TRUE. BUT ONLY FOR THE MOMENT.

YOU SEE, I AM NOT WITHOUT
MY HIDDEN RESOURCES.

- OH?
- ZELDA, MY DELIGHTFUL ELLE,

HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD
YOU THAT YOU POSSESS

THAT INDEFINABLE QUALITY

OF THE TRULY GREAT
WOMEN OF OUR TIME?

- WHO, ME?
- WHO, HER?

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

- KIDDING? I'LL SHOW
YOU WHO'S KIDDING.

ZELDA, MY ERUDITE BEAUTY.

WILL YOU GO DANCING
WITH ME SATURDAY NIGHT?

- WHO, ME?
- WHO, HER?

- WE'LL TRIP THE LIGHT FANTASTIC

TO THE MUSIC OF LAWRENCE WELK.

- LAWRENCE WELK?
- AHA,

THAT'S WHERE YOU TRAPPED
YOURSELF, CHATSWORTH.

LAWRENCE WELK
ISN'T EVEN IN TOWN.

- I KNOW, I INTEND TO IMPORT
HIM FOR THE OCCASION.

- YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?

- THAT AND A
THOUSAND THINGS MORE,

MY LOVELY ZELDA.

MOONLIT TRIPS IN MY EXPENSIVE
40-FOOT CABIN CRUISER,

FABULOUS SPINS IN MY
EXPENSIVE LITTLE BLUE SPORTS CAR.

- IT'S ALL VERY
FLATTERING, CHATSWORTH,

BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY DO IT.
- I COULD.

- ZELDA, YOU'RE TURNING ME DOWN?

- NO OFFENSE, BUT DOBIE
WOULD NEVER STAND FOR IT.

- LEAVE US NOT BE
TOO HASTY, ZELDA.

MAYBE I COULD FORCE
MYSELF TO STAND FOR IT.

- LOOK, ZELDA, MY LAMB,

THERE'S REALLY NO COMPARISON.

I AM THE SOLE HEIR
TO A VAST FORTUNE,

ALSO WITTY AND DESIRABLE.

- AND I AM BUT THE
SON OF A POOR GROCER,

DUMB IN SCHOOL, AND PUNY.

- YOU KNOW, I'M
BEGINNING TO THINK

YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO
GO OUT WITH CHATSWORTH.

- OH, IT ISN'T WHAT I WANT
THAT MATTERS, ZELDA.

I'M THINKING OF YOU,
OF YOUR FUTURE.

THE KEY WORD HERE,
MY SWEET, IS SACRIFICE.

IT'S A FAR, FAR BETTER THING
I DO THAN I HAVE EVER DONE.

- GEE, DOBE, YOU'RE
LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

- YEAH.

- THERE ARE FORCES AT WORK HERE

THAT ARE BEYOND
MY UNDERSTANDING.

BUT A GIRL WITH MY
FACE AND DIMENSIONS

IS IN NO POSITION TO BE FUSSY.

TAKE ME, CHATSWORTH, I'M YOURS.

- OH, GOODIE GOODIE GUMDROP.

- ATTAGIRL, ZELDA.

- EUROPA!

- MAYNARD, THAT'S EUREKA.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A WARM GLOW

HERE IN MY HEART
WHEN I THINK OF YOU.

- THANK YOU, DEAR, SWEET DOBIE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
ME TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS?

- OH, YOU MUST, MY
SWEET. FOR YOUR SAKE.

- GEE, THIS IS THE SADDEST
THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

SINCE THEY TOOK AWAY
THE KID'S DOG ON "LASSIE."

- MY EXPENSIVE LITTLE
BLUE SPORTS CAR

AWAITS, MY LEARNED PRINCESS.

- MAYNARD, SHE'S GONE.

- POOR ZELDA.
- I WANTED HER TO GO.

I'M FREE, FREE, FREE.
- POOR ZELDA.

- NOW I CAN MAKE DATES
WITH MONICA AND JESSICA

AND EVERY GIRL IN TOWN

AND THERE WON'T BE
ANY NOSY OLD ZELDA

NOSING AROUND TO GET IN MY WAY.

- POOR ZELDA.

- AT LAST SHE'S OFF MY BACK

AND SHE'S JUMPED ON
CHATSWORTH'S BACK.

- POOR CHATSWORTH.
- YEAH, POOR CHATSWORTH.

- MORE CAVIAR,
MORE ROAST GUINEA,

AND MORE OF WHATEVER
WE HAVE THAT'S EXPENSIVE.

- GLORIOSKI, WHAT A
SPREAD, CHATSWORTH.

DO YOU ALWAYS EAT LIKE THIS?
- DOESN'T EVERYONE?

- YOU KNOW, GOING WITH YOU
GETS TO BE A CLASSIER IDEA

WITH EVERY BITE.

- I AGREE, MY LEARNED
ENCHANTRESS.

EXCEPT...
- EXCEPT WHAT, KIDDO?

- EXCEPT FOR ONE LITTLE
CLOUD ON MY HORIZON,

ONE TINY LITTLE CLOUD NO
BIGGER THAN A SMALL BANK BOOK.

- OUT WITH IT, BOY,
WHAT KIND OF CLOUD?

- A CLOUD CALLED YALE.

YOU SEE, ZELDA, MY
STUDIOUS TEMPTRESS,

I SHALL NEVER BE ADMITTED.

I SHALL LOSE MY HEART'S DESIRE
MERELY BECAUSE MY GRADES

TEND TOWARDS THE ATROCIOUS.

- AND YOU WANT ME TO HELP
YOU WITH YOUR SCHOOLWORK.

- WELL...

- AND THAT'S WHY WE SUDDENLY
SEEM TO BE SO CHUMMY.

- GAD, WHAT SORT OF
A CAD AND BOUNDER

DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, GIRL?

- NOW, CALM DOWN, CHATSWORTH,

DON'T GET YOUR BLUE
BLOOD ALL IN AN UPROAR.

I GUESS I OUGHT TO CONTRIBUTE
SOMETHING TO THIS ROMANCE

OR WHATEVER IT IS.

- YOU'LL HELP?
- I'LL HELP.

- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY.

I AND YALE, IN THAT ORDER,

WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.

TREMBLAY, MY MOROCCO
BOUND SCHOOL BOOKS, QUICKLY.

- CHEERS, MY YOUNG
MASTER, CHEERS.

- NOW, CHATSWORTH, WHAT SUBJECT
ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE WITH?

- WELL, WE OSBORNES ARE
NOTHING IF NOT CONSISTENT.

ALL OF THEM.

- HOW ABOUT ALGEBRA?

- THOROUGHLY BAFFLING.
LET'S START THERE.

HAVE SOME MORE
CAVIAR, MY BRAINY BEAUTY.

- NOW CHATSWORTH,

FIND THE SQUARE ROOT OF 4,712.

- OH, WHY DON'T YOU FIND IT,

MY INFINITELY
CLEVER ENCHANTRESS.

- NO. NO. NO, CHATSWORTH.

NOW, FIRST YOU HAVE TO
FIGURE THE COMPOUND INTEREST.

- OH, DEAR. IT'S
SO MUCH MORE FUN

TO DEAL WITH REAL MONEY.
- NOW, PAY ATTENTION.

- CHATSWORTH, I
HESITATE TO USE THIS WORD

IN YOUR PRESENCE,
BUT ARE YOU STUDYING?

- MAY WAY, MUMSY.

ISN'T IT SMASHING?

MUMSY, YOU REMEMBER
ZELDA GILROY,

THE SMARTEST GIRL IN SCHOOL?

- OH. SHE BETTER BE SMART.
HOW DO YOU DO, MISS GILHULIE?

- GILROY, MRS.
OSBORNE, ZELDA GILROY.

- QUITE.

- MUMSY, ZELDA HAS PROMISED
TO HELP ME GET INTO YALE.

- OH. OH!

OH! BY GAD!

I'LL WAGER SHE'S JUST
THE GIRL WHO CAN DO IT.

OBSERVE THE
DETERMINED LITTLE JAW

AND THOSE LITTLE
BEADY LITTLE EYES.

YOU KNOW, MY GRANDFATHER
ONCE HAD A SECOND BUTLER

BY THE NAME OF GILHULIE.

- GILROY, MRS.
OSBORNE, ZELDA GILROY.

- FINE, FINE FIGURE OF A MAN.

STURDY PEASANT STOCK.

YOU MUST COME AROUND
MORE OFTEN, MISS GILHULIE.

- GILROY.
- YOU SEE,

THE OSBORNE BLOOD
IS RUNNING A LITTLE THIN

SO TO SPEAK.

TAKE A LOOK AT CHATSWORTH,

THE LAST WITHERED
BOUGH ON THE FAMILY TREE.

- MUMSY, PLEASE.

- HE LIVED IN AN
INCUBATOR TILL HE WAS 14.

- MUMSY.

- WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS
NASTY OLD NOSTALGIA.

COME ON, TO WORK,
TO WORK, AND TO YALE.

TREMBLAY, BRING ON SOME
MORE PÂTÉ DE FOIE GRAS,

SOME MORE CAVIAR, AND
SOME MORE TRUFFLES.

YOU DON'T WANT OUR LITTLE
MISS GILHULIE TO STARVE.

- GILROY.

- QUITE.

- NOW LOOK, CHATSWORTH,

FOUR PERCENT OF
645 COMPOUNDED...

- ♪ MARCH, MARCH ON DOWN
THE FIELD FIGHTING FOR ELI ♪

♪ BREAK THROUGH
THE CRIMSON LINE ♪

- LOOK AT ME. SEE
HOW STRAIGHT I STAND?

IT'S ALL BECAUSE

A GREAT WEIGHT'S
BEEN TAKEN OFF MY BACK,

AND ITS NAME IS ZELDA GILROY.

I'M FREE TO GO WHERE I WANT,

WHEN I WANT, IF I WANT.

BOY, FREEDOM, IT'S THE GREATEST.

- OH, NO. NO, NO,
DOBIKINS. NOT THE BEACH.

POOR LITTLE
OLD-FASHIONED JESSICANS

IS JUST TOO TOO UTTERLY DELICATE

FOR ALL THAT SAND AND SUN.

- OH. HEY, HOW ABOUT THE MOVIES?

AT THE BIJOU THEY'RE SHOWING

"THE MONSTER THAT
DEVOURED CLEVELAND."

- OH, NO. NO. NO, DOBIKINS.
- NO?

- MOVIES LIKE THAT ARE
JUST TOO TOO UTTERLY SCARY

FOR POOR LITTLE
OLD-FASHIONED JESSICANS.

- UH-HUH. CANOEING?

- TOO TOO UTTERLY DANGEROUS.

- A WALK IN THE COUNTRY?

- TOO TOO UTTERLY UN-CHIC.

- THEN HOW ABOUT...
- YES?

YES? YES, MY DOBIKINS?

- NO. THAT'D BE JUST TOO
TOO UTTERLY... UTTERLY.

SO, ALL RIGHT. JESSICA
WASN'T QUITE PERFECT.

SHE HAD A FEW LITTLE FAULTS.

SHE WAS... WAS, UH,

WELL, A PAIN IN THE NECK.

THERE WERE PLENTY
MORE APPLES IN THE BARREL,

AND ZELDA WAS HAVING A BALL TOO.

SHE HAD EVERYTHING
SHE EVER WANTED.

- EGAD, BUT YOU'RE CLEVER, GIRL.

IF I MULTIPLY PI TIMES
THE RADIUS SQUARED,

I'LL GET THE...

- THE CIRCUMFERENCE.
- ASTOUNDING.

AND ONCE I HAVE THIS
FASCINATING CIRCUMFERENCE,

WHAT DO I DO WITH IT,
MY CUNNING CHARMER?

- SEND IT TO YALE.

- BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS!
BOW WOW WOW!

ELI YALE!

ZELDA, YOU'RE A
SUPERLATIVE BRAIN.

IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU DON'T KNOW?

- YEAH. HOW I GOT INTO
THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS!
BOW WOW WOW!

- SIT DOWN, BULLDOG,

YOU STILL GOT A
FUZZY CIRCUMFERENCE.

- SEE? WE WERE BOTH FREE AS
A COUPLE OF CAREFREE BIRDS.

I COULD TAKE OUT ALL
THE GIRLS I WANTED,

AND NOBODY STOPPED ME.

ALL KINDS OF GIRLS.

TALL ONES, SHORT ONES,

BLONDES, BRUNETTES, REDHEADS,

IN-BETWEEN COLORS,

AND THEY WERE ALL LOVELY.

TAKE MONICA.

BEAUTIFUL AS AN ANGEL.

IF SHE ONLY DIDN'T
TALK QUITE SO MUCH

ABOUT HERSELF.

- SO NATURALLY, ALL THE BOYS...
- NATURALLY.

- IN SCHOOL WERE
TRYING TO DATE ME.

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
I WAS THE PRETTIEST GIRL

THEY'D EVER SEEN.
- YEAH.

- AND THEY WERE
DEFINITELY RIGHT.

ALTHOUGH I DO LOOK BETTER
IN SOME COLORS THAN OTHERS.

WELL, NOT THAT I
DON'T LOOK STUNNING

IN ALL OF THEM, MIND YOU.
- NO.

- BUT A PERSON DOES
HAVE CERTAIN COLORS

THAT FAVOR HER MORE THAN OTHERS,

DON'T YOU THINK?
- WELL...

- BUT YOU CAN'T REALLY
BLAME ALL THE BOYS, CAN YOU?

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT ME.

THIS FACE, THESE
EYES, THIS BODY.

I MEAN, I BELIEVE IN
TELLING THE TRUTH,

AND IF I'M A REAL
KNOCKOUT, WELL, WELL,

HIDE MY BEAUTY
UNDER A SHELL, RIGHT?

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

BUT THE IMPORTANT
THING IS THE INNER PERSON,

I ALWAYS SAY.
- HMM, YEAH.

- I MEAN, HOW WARM
AND CONSIDERATE

SHE IS ON THE INSIDE,

WHICH IS ONE OF MY MOST
ENDEARING CHARACTERISTICS.

WELL, NOT THAT I DON'T
HAVE MANY OTHERS.

AREN'T I RIGHT? RIGHT. RIGHT.

- RIGHT. RIGHT, YEAH. RIGHT.

- HI HO, GILLIS BABY.

- OH, HELLO, CHATSWORTH.

- HI MONICA. OH, HELLO, DOBIE.

- HI, ZELDA. LONG TIME NO SEE.

- YEAH. IT HAS
BEEN QUITE A WHILE.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, DOBIE?

- ME, OH, FINE. FINE.

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
HOW ABOUT YOU?

- ME? OH, WONDERFUL.
JUST WONDERFUL.

NEVER A DULL MOMENT.

- YEAH. YEAH. IT'S
BEEN THE SAME WITH ME.

GAY, MAD TARANTELLA.

- IT'S BEEN A WIZARD ARRANGEMENT
ALL AROUND, DOBIE-DO.

IN YESTERDAY'S GEOMETRY
TEST, I GOT A B-PLUS.

I KNEW ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

ABOUT THAT MISCHIEVOUS
OLD CIRCUMFERENCE.

- OH, GOOD WORK, CHATSWORTH.

- ZELDA, MY BRILLIANT BELLE,

WE REALLY MUST BE
EN ROUTE TOOT SWEET.

AFTER THE DANCE WE'RE
GONG TO THE ART EXHIBIT,

AND THEN TO DINNER, AND
IN BETWEEN, OF COURSE,

WE MUST STUDY, STUDY, STUDY.

- SURE, CHATSWORTH.
SURE, SURE, SURE.

- YEAH. MONICA AND
ME, WE HAVE TO RUN TOO.

IT'S JUST ONE CRAZY
THING AFTER ANOTHER.

WHERE ARE WE GOING
TONIGHT, MONICA?

- OH, DOWN TO THE MALT SHOP

WHERE EVERYBODY CAN SEE ME.
- OH.

- I'VE GOT THIS
BEAUTIFUL NEW DRESS,

AND I DON'T WANT
IT TO GO TO WASTE.

- OH, NO.
- AFTER ALL,

BEAUTY LIKE MINE BELONGS
TO THE WHOLE WORLD.

- CHATSWORTH, ISN'T THIS
ALL JUST TOO, TOO GAY?

- TREMBLAY, FULL SPEED AHEAD.

TA-TA, GILLIS BABY, MONICA.

- YEP. THAT'S HOW IT WENT.

I HAD MORE FUN AND FREEDOM

THAN I EVER HAD
BEFORE IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

IT WAS JOYSVILLE, A BALL,

A MILLION LAUGHS, YEAH.

HA HA HA. LAUGHS.

- HEY, DOBE, YOU KIND
OF LOOK, LIKE, TACKY.

YOU SURE YOU'RE
FEELING ALL RIGHT?

- SURE, I'M FEELING ALL RIGHT.
WHY SHOULDN'T I FEEL ALL RIGHT?

I'M LIVING ON CLOUD NINE.

NOBODY ON MY BACK,

NOBODY TO NAG ME.
NOBODY TO BUG ME.

- YEAH, AIN'T IT THE GREATEST?
- THE GREATEST.

- THE WILDEST.
- THE WILDEST.

- THE CRAZIEST.
- THE CRAZIEST.

- THE CRAZIEST, THE
WILDEST, THE GREATEST.

SO HOW COME I'M
THE MISERABLE-IST?

- WELL, DOBE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY AGAIN.

- I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE.
- EMPTY?

HEY, MAYBE THESE COOKIES WILL...

- NOT THAT KIND OF
EMPTY, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, HI, ZELDA.

- HI, MAYNARD.

- ZELDA?

- ZELDA.

- HELLO, DOBIE.

- HE, ZELDA. GEE, YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN AROUND THE STORE

FOR A LONG TIME.
YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT.

- SO ARE YOU, DOBIE.

- MAN, THAT'S WILD.

A FEW MINUTES AGO HE
LOOKED LIKE THE PICTURE

ON THE IODINE BOTTLE.

- WELL, EVERYTHING LOOKS
THE SAME AROUND HERE.

- OH, SURE. SURE. JUST THE SAME.

SAME OLD SALAMI,

SAME OLD SPECIAL ON SOAP FLAKES.

SAME OLD EVERYTHING.

IS, UH, IS EVERYTHING
THE SAME WITH YOU, ZELDA?

- THE SAME?

- THE SAME AS THE
LAST TIME I SAW YOU?

- OH. OH, I GUESS SO.

- UH-HUH.

- BUT THEY COULD
CHANGE ANY MINUTE

IF SOMEBODY REALLY
WANTED THEM TO.

- OH, YEAH. UH-HUH.

WAS, UH, WAS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANTED TO SAY TO ME, ZELDA?

- IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK.

I WAS-I WAS WONDERING

IF THERE WAS SOMETHING
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAY TO ME.

- OH, NO. NO.
- NO.

- NOT IF YOU'RE SURE
THERE ISN'T SOMETHING

YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME.

- WE'RE NOT GETTING
ANYWHERE, ARE WE?

- NO. NO. WELL...

- WELL, I GUESS I'M ON MY WAY.

- OH, YEAH. WELL...

- MRS. OSBORNE'S
GIVING A PICNIC.

- OH, WELL, HAVE FUN, ZELDA.

- THANKS.
- YEAH.

ZELDA, ARE YOU SURE...

- YES. YES? AM I SURE WHAT? YES?

- NOTHING. NOTHING.

SO LONG, ZELDA.

- SO LONG, DOBIE.

- SO LONG.

- YOU KNOW...
- YEAH? YEAH? YES?

- PICNIC AND ALL, I
HOPE IT DOESN'T RAIN.

- OH, OH, YEAH. WELL, NO.

IT LOOKS PRETTY CLEAR
OUTSIDE. I DON'T THINK SO.

- ALL RIGHT. WELL, BYE.

- BYE, ZELDA.
- BYE, DOBIE.

- BYE. SO LONG.

- MAN, LOTS OF YUCKS
SEEING OLD ZELDA AGAIN, HUH?

I MEAN, NOW THAT
SHE'S NOT ON YOUR BACK

AND BUGGING YOU ANYMORE.

- YEAH, MAYNARD. SURE. SURE.

- HEY, DOBE, HOW COME
EVERY TIME YOU SEE ZELDA,

YOU'RE, LIKE, LAUGHING
ON THE OUTSIDE

AND, LIKE, CRYING ON THE INSIDE?

- MAYNARD, I DON'T HAVE
THE FOGGIEST NOTION

WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- GEE, I WAS HOPING
ONE OF US DID.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE...
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND THE REASON I'M, LIKE,
LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE

AND, LIKE, CRYING ON THE INSIDE
IS BECAUSE I'D GIVE ANYTHING

TO HAVE ZELDA BACK
ON MY BACK AGAIN.

- YOU WOULD?
- I WOULD.

- SO HOW COME YOU'RE TELLING ME?

- BECAUSE... YEAH!

YEAH, I OUGHT TO BE TELLING HER.
- HER.

- HER. GOOD THINKING, YEAH.
- GOOD THINKING, YEAH.

- HERE, YOU WATCH THE STORE.

- HERE, YOU WATCH THE STORE.

- OH, THE OUTDOOR LIFE.

WE OCCASIONALLY NEED
A TASTE OF RUGGED LIVING

TO KEEP US FROM GETTING SOFT.

TREMBLAY.
- YES, MADAM?

- THAT MOUNTAIN CASTS
TOO GREAT A SHADOW.

CALL THE BULLDOZERS.
HAVE THAT REMOVED.

MISS GILHULIE...
- GILROY.
- QUITE.

MISS GILHULIE, I
WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR THE MIRACLE YOU'VE
WROUGHT IN CHATSWORTH.

UP TO A FEW WEEKS AGO,

HE WAS A WEALTHY JUGHEAD.

- AND NOW I AM A SUPERB SCHOLAR.

- THAT YOU ARE, CHATSWORTH.

NASTY, BUT SCHOLARLY.

- OH, IT WASN'T SO MUCH.

- NO. NO. NO.

NOW, TUT-TUT. NO MODESTY HERE.

IF CHATSWORTH CONTINUES
TO KEEP HIS GRADES UP,

HE'S SURE TO ENTER YALE.

POOR YALE.

WHAT IS IT, TREMBLAY?

- FORGIVE ME, MADAM, BUT
THERE SEEMS TO BE A MOSQUITO

ON MADAM'S HELMET.

- A MOSQUITO,
INSOLENCE DESTROY IT.

- YES, MADAM.

- THANK YOU, TREMBLAY,
MORE OR LESS.

- MY PLEASURE, MADAM.

- ZELDA? ZELDA?

- OH, GOOD HEAVENS. WHAT'S THAT?

TREMBLAY, GET MY RIFLE.

WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL SHOOT IT.

-, I'M, LIKE, A HUMAN PERSON.

- OH, YES.

YOU ARE A BIT LIKE A HUMAN.

- YES, DOBIE? YES? YES? YES?

- ZELDA, I SURRENDER.

I CAN'T GO ON ANY LONGER,

UNLESS YOU COME BACK AND NAG ME.

- YOU CAN'T?
- I CAN'T.

YOU BUG ME, AND AGGRAVATE ME,

AND DRIVE ME NUTS.
- BUT?

- BUT I LOVE YOU, DON'T YOU SEE?

- PERFECTLY, POOPSIE.

- YOU'RE A MISERABLE
PAIN IN THE NECK.

BUT YOU'RE A NECESSARY
MISERABLE PAIN IN THE NECK.

- I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU MEAN, SNOOKUMS.

- NOW, JUST SEE HERE, GILLIS.

- YES, CHATSWORTH,
FIGHT FOR THE GIRL.

- EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,
BUT HE'D BETTER NOT.

WITH ZELDA AT STAKE, I'D TAKE
ON THE WHOLE U.S. MARINES.

- OH, DOBIE.

- BUT ZELDA AND I HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING.

- OUR UNDERSTANDING
IS OFF, CHATSWORTH.

YOU NEED ME NOW TO
HELP YOU GET INTO YALE,

BUT DOBIE WILL ALWAYS
NEED ME. ALWAYS.

- UH-HUH. I'M HELPLESS.

- UNSURE.
- VULNERABLE.

- DEPENDENT.
- UNSETTLED.

- FLOUNDERING.
- FAT-HEADED.

JUST HOLDING UP MY END
OF THE CONVERSATION.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
SEE HERE, GIRL.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
YOU WOULD ACTUALLY CHOOSE

DOBIE GILLIS, THE
SON OF A GROCER,

IN PREFERENCE TO
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

BY MONEY OUT OF
GILT-EDGED SECURITIES?

- YEP, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN
TO SAY, MRS. OSBORNE.

I GOT TO BE WHERE
I'M NEEDED MOST.

COME ON, DOBIE, I'M
BACK ON YOUR BACK AGAIN.

STAND UP STRAIGHT. DON'T
SHAMBLE, DON'T SLUMP.

LOOK UP AT THE STARS,
NOT DOWN IN THE MUD.

OH, WE GOT A LOT OF WORK

TO DO ON YOU, BOY.
- ZELDA. ZELDA.

- A LOT OF WORK. SHAPE UP...
- ZELDA, WELCOME HOME.

- DOBIE.

- AS WE OF THE GRADUATING CLASS

OF CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
TAKE OUR FIRST STEP...

- FALTERING STEP.

- FALTERING STEP

AWAY FROM OUR
BELOVED ALMA MATER,

LET US CONSIDER WHERE
THIS STEP WILL LEAD US.

- SQUAREY, WHAT IS THIS?

- OH, ZELDA KNITTED IT FOR ME.

- AND WHAT'S THAT?

- SHE'S REHEARSING
HER GRADUATION SPEECH.

SOME OF US WILL MOVE ON...
- SOME OF US WILL MOVE

ON TO THE IVIED HALLS
OF HIGHER LEARNING.

- OH, THAT'S RIGHT. I HEAR YALE
DIDN'T TURN YOU DOWN AFTER ALL.

- NATURALLY. MUMSY HAD
A LITTLE TALK WITH THEM,

AND THEY DIDN'T DARE REFUSE ME.
- NO?

- BULLDOG! BULLDOG!

BOW WOW WOW! ELI YALE!

- BUT ALAS,

AMONG US THERE WILL BE
SOME WHO WILL GO THROUGH LIFE

WITHOUT A PURPOSE,
IDLE DRIFTERS,

PURPOSELESS DRAGS AND DERELICTS,

AIMLESS WANDERERS AND STUMBLERS.

- YOU RANG?

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪