The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Bitter Feud of Dobie and Maynard - full transcript

- THEN, AFTER THE
LECTURE'S FINISHED,

WE'LL GO OVER TO THE ART MUSEUM,

AND AFTER THAT TO THE
CONCERT AT THE CIVIC AUDITORIUM.

BOY, WHAT AN EVENING
WE'LL HAVE, HUH?

- WE'D BETTER HAVE.

I'M BLOWING MY WHOLE MONTH'S
ALLOWANCE TO PAY FOR IT.

- AH, YOU'RE A REAL
HUMAN BEING, ZELDA.

BUT, WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL THIS?

I, I MEAN, I MEAN,

I KNOW I'M CHARMING
AND DEBONAIR, AND WITTY,

BUT AREN'T YOU
OVERDOING THINGS A LITTLE?



- CORRECTION.

YOU ARE NOT CHARMING,
DEBONAIR, AND WITTY.

YOU ARE CALLOW,
ROUGH-HEWN, AND UNCULTURED.

BUT I LOVE YOU, AND
I'M STUCK WITH YOU.

- ZELDA. NO OFFENSE,

BUT IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

SINCE I'VE SEEN YOUR
PICTURE IN ANYBODY'S LOCKER.

- TRUE. WE'RE A
PAIR OF REAL DOGS.

AND THAT'S WHY WE'VE
GOT TO WORK TOGETHER

TO SAVE YOU FROM BECOMING A BUM.
- ZELDA.

- LECTURES, CONCERTS,
SHARPENING YOUR MIND,

THESE ARE THE THINGS
WE'VE GOT TO DO.

- LIKE, HI DOB.
- OH, HI MAYNARD.

- HEY, LET'S GO DOWNTOWN
AND WATCH THAT FELLOW



TOSS FLAPJACKS IN
THE WINDOW. COME ON.

- YOU'LL DO NO SUCH THING.

WE'RE GOING TO A LECTURE
SO HE CAN IMPROVE HIS MIND.

- SURE, ZELDA. AND THEN
WE WATCH THEM KNOCK DOWN

THE OLD COURTHOUSE BUILDING.

THEY GOT ONE OF THEM BIG IRON
BALL CONTRAPTIONS DOWN THERE

THAT GOES "WHAM, SMASH,"
RIGHT INTO THE WALL.

- MAYNARD.
- DOBIE,

YOU'RE ONLY CHANCE TO
MAKE SOMEBODY OF YOURSELF

IS TO ASSOCIATE
WITH SUPERIOR MINDS,

ATTEND DEBATES,
DISCUSSIONS, CONFERENCES.

- YEAH.
- THEY GOT A FELLA AT THE PARK

THAT CAN LIFT A UP A
WHOLE BLOCK OF CEMENT

WITH HIS TEETH. HE GOES, LIKE,

- YEAH?
- COME ON.

- RAISE YOUR MIND
INTO CREATIVE ACTION.

DO, ACHIEVE, THINK.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH
BEING A GOOD, LOYAL FRIEND?

I MEAN, GIRLS, AND SHOWS,

AND PARTIES ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

BUT A FRIEND LIKE MAYNARD

COMES ALONG ONLY
ONCE IN A LIFETIME.

- JUST MY LUCK IT
HAS TO BE MY LIFETIME.

- MAYNARD! MAYNARD, PLEASE.

I'M TRYING TO FINISH
MY HISTORY HOMEWORK.

- YOUR HOMEWORK?

- SURE, I'VE GOT
TO GET THIS DO...

OH, I'M SORRY, MAYNARD,
OUR HOMEWORK.

- STICK WITH ME, DOBE.

I'LL GET YOU THROUGH
THAT COURSE YET.

- SURE, SURE, MAYNARD.

- HEY, WHO'S THAT
FUNNY-LOOKING CHARACTER?

- OH, IT'S A PICTURE OF ONE
OF THE STATUES THEY BUILD

ON THOSE EUROPEAN CATHEDRALS.

THEY'RE CALLED GARGOYLES.

- OH, NO, DOBE.

GARGOYLES ARE THEM
FANCY CHECKERED SOCKS

SOME FELLOWS WEAR.

- MAYNARD, THOSE ARE ARGYLES.

THIS IS A GARGOYLE,

THIS CREEPY, SPOOKY-LOOKING,
BUG-EYED MONSTER.

- HI-HO CHAPS.

- OH, HI, CHATSWORTH.

- LIKE, HI, CHATSY.

- THE NAME, YOU
LOW-BORN RAGAMUFFIN,

IS CHATSWORTH OSBORN, JR.

I WAS NAMED AFTER MY FATHER.

- OH, WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- I SAY, GILLIS, BABY,

ARE YOU STILL INTERESTED
IN PLAYING TENNIS

AT THE NORTH SHORE GOLF,
TENNIS AND COUPON-CLIPPING CLUB?

- BOY, AM I.

- WELL, GOOD.
YESTERDAY, BETWEEN SETS,

I ORDERED THE
MEMBERSHIP COMMITTEE

TO CONSIDER YOUR APPLICATION
FOR USE OF THE COURT.

- GEE, THANKS, CHATSWORTH.

UH, DO YOU REALLY
THINK THEY'LL TAKE ME IN?

- OF COURSE.

I TOLD THEM THAT ALTHOUGH
YOU CAME FROM PEASANT STOCK,

IT IS STURDY, HONEST
PEASANT STOCK.

SO NATURALLY, ON MY SAY-SO,

YOU WILL BE ACCEPTED FORTHWITH.

- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE
A TRULY GREAT AMERICAN.

- YES, I AM, RATHER.

- YOU'RE A HUNDRED
PERCENT, CHATSY.

WE'RE GONNA GET A KICK
OUT OF PLAYING OVER THERE.

- MM-HMM.
- WE?

- YEAH, THEY THREW ME
OFF THEM PUBLIC COURTS.

SOMETHING ABOUT MY CLOTHES.

OH, BOY, YEAH. LIKE, FORE!

- GILLIS, BABY,

DOES THIS UNKEMPT OAF
ACTUALLY EXPECT TO JOIN

IN OUR GAMES AND SPORTS?

- LIKE, PING!

- WELL, YOU SEE, MAYNARD
KIND OF GOES WHERE I GO.

- YEAH, I STICK
TO HIM LIKE GLUE.

- HM.

- HE'S NOT MUCH TROUBLE, HONEST.

- LIKE, SMASH.

- GILLIS, BABY, I MUST ADD THAT
THE MEMBERSHIP COMMITTEE

HASN'T QUITE MADE
UP ITS MIND YET.

AND IT MAY NEVER.

- LIKE, SLAM.

- CHATSWORTH, CHATSWORTH.

- LIKE, SLAM.

OOH, LIKE, WELL-PLAYED,
OLD NIBLICK.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S
OUR GOOD BUDDY CHATSY?

- OH, HE, UH, HE, UH, OH,
NEVER MIND, MAYNARD.

WE DON'T NEED HIM.
- RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY.

WE DON'T NEED ANYBODY.
IT'S YOU AND ME, DOBE.

JUST YOU AND ME FOREVER.

- I'M AFRAID SO, MAYNARD.

- GOOD DAY, CLASS.

NOW, IS THERE ANYONE

IN THIS CLASS WHO'S
FAILED TO DO HIS HOMEWORK,

BESIDES MAYNARD KREBS, I MEAN.

- MR. POMFRITT, SIR,
THAT'S, LIKE, UNFAIR.

YOU'RE ALL THE TIME SAYING
I DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK

WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, OF
COURSE, MAYNARD.

I HAD NO BUSINESS
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

FORGIVE ME.
- YOU'RE, LIKE, FORGIVEN.

- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE, LIKE, WELCOME.

- HAVE YOU DONE YOUR HOMEWORK?
- LIKE, NO.

- LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

- NOW, HAVING MADE
THIS LITTLE JAUNT

INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE,

CAN WE RETURN TO
MY ORIGINAL QUESTION?

WHO ELSE IN THIS CLASS HAS
FAILED TO DO HIS HOMEWORK?

- MR. GILLIS?
- YES, SIR.

- OH, I'M SURPRISED, MR. GILLIS.

YOU'VE BEEN VERY CONSCIENTIOUS

IN YOUR WORK THESE LAST
WEEKS BEFORE GRADUATION.

YOU HAVE A GOOD
EXCUSE, I PRESUME?

- YES, SIR.

YOU SEE, I WAS DOING FINE
ON THE HOMEWORK UNTIL,

NO SIR, NO EXCUSE.

- IN THAT CASE, I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU

AND MR. KREBS AN
EXTRA ASSIGNMENT.

A 300-WORD ESSAY

ON THE EUROPEAN CATHEDRALS
AND THEIR GARGOYLES.

- HEY, THAT'S NOT
FAIR, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.

WHO CAN WRITE 300 WORDS
ABOUT A PAIR OF CHECKERED SOCKS?

- MAYNARD, THAT'S ARGYLES.

- YEAH.
- UH, MR. POMFRITT,

I'LL MAKE SURE MAYNARD
REALLY PUTS HIS MIND TO IT.

- GOOD LUCK.

AND NOW, CLASS, WE ARE MOVING
FROM A STUDY OF EUROPEAN HISTORY

TO OUR OWN HISTORY,
AND A STIRRING SAGA IT IS.

- NOW PLEASE TURN TO
THE OPENING SECTION

OF YOUR TEXTBOOKS,

"THE WINNING OF THE WEST."

- UH, ZELDA GILROY,

WHAT IS THE ESSENTIAL
POINT MADE IN THIS CHAPTER?

- THE TREK ACROSS THE DESERTS
AND PLAINS TO REACH THE PACIFIC

WAS ONE OF THE GREAT
COOPERATIVE EFFORTS IN ALL HISTORY.

THE STRONG AIDED
THE WEAK AND HELPLESS,

AND THIS OFTEN LED TO
THEIR OWN DESTRUCTION.

MANY OF THESE INTREPID EXPLORERS

COULD HAVE REACH SAFETY
HAD THEY TRAVELED ALONE.

BUT NO, INSTEAD
THESE BRAVE SOULS

SACRIFICED THEMSELVES TO
HELP THEIR WEAKER COMPANIONS."

- YES. HISTORY IS FULL
OF TERRIFYING EXAMPLES

OF STRONG, BRAVE MEN
WHO WERE SLOWED DOWN

AND EVENTUALLY DESTROYED

BY THEIR LOYALTY TO A
FRIEND WHO WAS WEAK,

HELPLESS, INCOMPETENT, INEPT.

- YOU RANG?

- AND BE SURE YOU PICK
ME UP RIGHT ON TIME.

PROFESSOR CLENDENIN BEGINS
HIS LECTURE PROMPTLY AT 8:00.

- RIGHT, ZELDA. I WOULDN'T MISS
THE OLD PROF FOR ANYTHING.

- CONTACT WITH OUTSTANDING MINDS

IS THE ONLY WAY TO
SHARPEN YOUR OWN MIND.

YOU'LL SHAPE UP INTO
A MAN YET, POOPSIE.

- ZELDA!

- STRETCH YOUR
BRAIN, DISCIPLINE IT,

BEND IT TO YOUR PURPOSE
BY KEEPING IT TRIM,

AND HARD, AND PRACTICED.
- RIGHT.

- DON'T LET IT GO FLABBY
BY ALLOWING IT TO ASSOCIATE

WITH INFERIOR SHODDY INTELLECT.
- RIGHT.

- YEA... OH, I JUST REMEMBERED,

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I GET TO
THE LECTURE A LITTLE LATE,

LIKE A COUPLE OF HOURS?

- WHAT? WHAT COULD
BE MORE IMPORTANT

THAN KICKING YOUR
MIND INTO SUCCESS?

WHAT, WHAT?

- WELL, YOU SEE...
- WHAT IS IT, BOY?

- WELL... - AHA. I SEE IT NOW.

IT'S GOT SOMETHING
TO DO WITH MAYNARD.

- WELL...
- HASN'T IT?

- WELL...
- HASN'T IT?

- I PROMISED HIM

I'D WATCH A TELEVISION
PROGRAM WITH HIM TONIGHT.

- YOU'RE GOING TO
WASTE YOUR TIME

ON AN INFERIOR
BRAIN LIKE MAYNARD,

AND LET YOUR OWN BRAIN
GO TO POT. THAT DOES IT.

- BUT IT'S A SPOOKY
TELEVISION SHOW,

AND MAYNARD GETS
SCARED WHEN HE'S ALONE.

- LOOK, DOBIE, MAYNARD
IS A SWEET, LOYAL BOY,

BUT HE'S A HOPELESS CASE.

AND IF YOU KEEP
HANGING AROUND WITH HIM,

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA BE.

- BUT WHEN HE GETS SCARED,
HE GETS GOOSEBUMPS,

AND THEY'RE VERY UNHEALTHY.

- DOBIE, THE TIME HAS
COME TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

EITHER YOU GIVE UP MAYNARD OR,

OR SOUP KITCHENS, HERE YOU COME.

- HI-HO, PLAYMATES,
CLEAR THE FAIRWAY,

THE WIZARD OF THE LINKS IS HERE.

- OH, HI, CHATSWORTH.

- FIE, DOBIE-DO. I'M ON
MY WAY TO THE CLUB.

- UH, CHATSWORTH,

HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING
ABOUT MY APPLICATION

FOR THE CLUB.

- OH, I HAVE BEEN MEANING

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
THAT, GILLIS, BABY.

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

THE MEMBERSHIP
COMMITTEE HAS DECIDED

TO DELAY ITS DECISION
FOR A SHORT TIME,

PERHAPS 20 OR 30 YEARS.

- UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES?

UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES?

- WELL, I DON'T LIKE
TO MENTION NAMES,

BUT HIS INITIALS ARE
MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- AH NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, CHATSWORTH.

JUST A DARN MINUTE.

IF YOU'RE TURNING ME DOWN

BECAUSE I'M A
FRIEND OF MAYNARD'S,

THEN I SURE AS HECK NEVER
WANT TO COME TO YOUR CLUB.

NOTHING COULD MAKE ME
DROP MAYNARD AS A FRIEND.

HE'S WEAK, AND
HELPLESS. HE NEEDS ME.

- THE STRONG AIDED
THE WEAK AND HELPLESS,

AND THIS OFTEN LED TO
THEIR OWN DESTRUCTION.

MANY OF THESE INTREPID EXPLORERS

COULD HAVE REACHED SAFETY
HAD THEY TRAVELED ALONE.

BUT NO, INSTEAD
THESE BRAVE SOULS

SACRIFICED THEMSELVES

TO HELP THEIR
WEAKER COMPANIONS."

[PANTS AND GRUNTS]

- MUSH ON, GOOD BUDDY.

YOU CAN MAKE IT ALONE
ACROSS THIS, LIKE, ARID DESERT

AND GREAT PLAINS WITHOUT
HELPLESS, HOPELESS,

INCOMPETENT, INEPT, ME.

I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU, MAYNARD.

HERE, THERE'S A FEW
DROPS LEFT IN MY CANTEEN.

- YOU GOTTA GO ALONG
WITHOUT ME, DEAR FRIEND,

OR YOU WILL SUFFER THE SAME
FATE AS THEM OTHER INSIPID PIONEERS.

- YEAH. MAYNARD,
THAT'S INTREPID.

- YEAH, INTREPID.
- YEAH.

HERE, YOU'VE GOT TO DRINK IT.

- NO, NO, DEAR FRIEND.

YOU'VE GOT TO
DRINK IT. GO AHEAD.

- NOPE.

- YEP.

- NOPE.

- YEP.

- NOPE.

- YEP.

- NOPE.

- NOPE.

- [GASP] WATER.

- OH, GOOD BUDDY.

DEAR FRIEND. BRAVE PIONEER.

- FAREWELL, DEAR FRIEND.

- OH, HE WOULD HAVE
MADE IT WITHOUT ME.

OH, OH, WHAT A NO-GOOD RAT AM I.

OH, WHAT A NO-GOOD RAT AM I.

- OH, WHAT A NO-GOOD RAT AM I.

- GOOD AFTERNOON.

I'LL BE WITH YOU, OH,
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.

MAYNARD, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

YOU KNOW I NEVER SAY IT'S
ONLY YOU, MAYNARD ANY MORE.

- GO AHEAD AND SAY IT, MR. G.

ALL I AM IS, "ONLY YOU MAYNARD."

- YOU MEAN, YOU WANT ME TO
SAY "IT'S ONLY YOU MAYNARD?"

- SURE.

- SURE?
- I, LIKE, INSIST.

- OKAY. OH, IT'S HARD.

NO, I CAN'T GO
THROUGH WITH THIS.

DOBIE AIN'T HOME YET.

GRAB YOURSELF A
HANDFUL OF DONUTS

AND SIT DOWN SOMEPLACE.
A SMALL HANDFUL.

- I DON'T WANT TO
TALK TO DOBIE, MR. G.

I WANT TO, LIKE, TALK TO YOU.
- LIKE, ME?

- YEAH, LIKE, YEAH.

- LIKE, UH, WHAT'S DOBIE DONE?

WHAT KIND OF
TROUBLE IS HE IN NOW?

- OH, IT AIN'T
NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, MR. G,

BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN
OF THE WORLD, AREN'T YOU?

- WELL, YES.

- I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN AROUND.

- WELL, YES.

- AND YOU KNOW THE
ANSWERS TO A LOT OF THINGS.

- WELL, YES.

- SO I WANT TO ASK YOUR ADVICE.

- WELL, NO.

- YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME, MR. G,

IT'S, LIKE, A MATTER
OF LIFE AND DEATH.

- OH?
- OR MAYBE BOTH.

- OKAY, SHOOT. I'M
USED TO LISTENING.

I'M MARRIED.

- I WANT TO ASK
YOU ADVICE ABOUT,

ABOUT THESE TWO CATS, SEE,

UM, THEY'RE LIKE FRIENDS...
- YOU AND DOBIE?

- ME AND DOBIE? NO,
NO, NOT ME AND DOBIE.

NO, NO, SEE, THEY'RE
NOT EXACTLY REAL PEOPLE.

- THEY'RE NOT EXACTLY
REAL PEOPLE, HUH?

- NO. IT'S, LIKE, A
MADE-UP STORY.

YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY
CALL A HYPOCRITICAL CASE.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
HYPOTHETICAL, I THINK.

- YEAH, A HYPOTHETICAL, I THINK.

YEAH, WELL, ANYHOW,

ONE OF THESE HYPOTHETICAL,
I THINK, CATS IS, LIKE,

CLEAN-CUT, LOVABLE,
AND UPSTANDING.

- CHECK.

- AND THE OTHER FELLOW
IS KIND OF RAGGED, DRAGGY,

AND ILL-COUTH.
- CHECK.

- BUT NOT REAL ILL-COUTH,
JUST KIND OF ILL-COUTH.

- HE'S NOT ALL BAD,
THIS OTHER FELLA,

HE'S GOT A GOOD HEART, AND
HE'S LOYAL AND TRUSTWORTHY,

BUT HE, UM, THIS
ILL-COUTH FELLA,

HE'S KIND OF A DRAG
ON THE CLEAN-CUT,

LOVABLE, UPSTANDING CAT.

I MEAN, HE'S, LIKE, KEEPS HIM

FROM MOVING UP IN THE
WORLD LIKE HE OUGHT TO.

I MEAN, HE, LIKE, HOLDS
HIM DOWN LIKE AN ANCHOR

BECAUSE HE'S WEAK AND HELPLESS.

- THE LOW-DOWN RAT.

- YEAH, THE LOW-DOWN RAT.

- A GUY LIKE THAT IS A DISGRACE.

- LIKE, RIGHT.

- THERE OUGHT TO
BE A LAW AGAINST HIM.

HE OUGHT TO BE PUNCHED IN
THE NOSE AND RUN OUT OF TOWN.

- LIKE, RIGHT.

LIKE, RIGHT?
- LIKE, RIGHT.

- BUT WHAT IF THIS
ILL-COUTH FELLOW...

- LET'S JUST CALL
HIM "THE SLOB."

- GOOD THINKING.

BUT WHAT IF THE SLOB GIVES
UP THE CLEAN-CUT, LOVABLE...

- LET'S JUST CALL
HIM "OUR HERO," HUH?

- GOOD THINKING.
- MM-HMM.

- NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

- WE WERE RIGHT WHERE THE SLOB

WAS GONNA GIVE UP OUR
CLEAN, UPSTANDING HERO.

- YEAH.

- YEAH, WHAT?
- WHAT IF HE DID?

- DID WHAT?
- GAVE HIM UP?

- GAVE WHO UP?
- THE SLOB.

- THAT WOULD BE THE
MOST WONDERFUL THING

THIS ILL-COUTH SLOB COULD DO,

AND WOULD PROVE THAT UNDERNEATH

THAT ROUGH EXTERIOR BEAT A HEART

AS BIG AS ALL OUTDOORS.
- YEAH.

- IT'S LIKE IN THAT
OLD MOVIE I SAW

ON TELEVISION THE
OTHER NIGHT, SEE?

BETTY GRABLE AND DAN DAILEY,

AND THEY'RE A DANCING ACT, SEE?

WELL, SHE'S REALLY GOT
THE STUFF TO GO PLACES,

BUT HE'S JUST KIND OF A
FAIR-TO-MIDDLING HOOFER.

AND THEY DO THIS
DANCE TOGETHER, SEE?

AND HE KIND OF GOES... [HUMS]

- BUT WHEN SHE DOES IT, OH, MAN,

SHE REALLY PUTS
IT OUT THERE, BOY,

AND SHE GOES
GOES LIKE THIS, SEE?

- AND HE KNOWS

THAT SHE'S HEAD AND
SHOULDERS OVER HIM, SEE?

SO HE WANTS HER TO LEAVE HIM
SO THAT SHE CAN BECOME A BIG STAR

WITH HER NAME UP IN
LIGHTS ON BROADWAY.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. G.

- ALWAYS WILLING TO
LEND A HELPING HAND.

- NOW I KNOW TO TELL MY
HYPOTHETICAL, I THINK, CAT,

THERE'S JUST ONE
ROAD TO TAKE, JUST ONE.

- MAYNARD.
- HM?

- TAKE THAT ROAD OVER THERE.

THAT ROAD LEADS TO THE
TRASH CANS IN THE ALLEY.

- YOU'RE ALL HEART, MR. G.
- HM.

- OH, IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN
WHAT PECULIAR THINGS

WERE GOING ON
BEHIND MY BACK. BOY.

I MEAN, MAYNARD WAS
COOKING UP A SCHEME.

AND MAYNARD STARTS TO COOK,
EVERYBODY WINDS UP IN THE SOUP.

- DOBE, IF YOU DON'T
LEAVE ME BEHIND AND,

LIKE, ZOOM ONWARDS AND
UPWARDS IN THIS WORLD,

I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH.

- MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

- AND WHEN I HOLD MY
BREATH, I TURN PURPLE.

- MAYNARD.
- I DON'T MEAN JUST RED.

ANYBODY CAN TURN
RED. I TURN PURPLE.

- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT.

I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU UP
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND,
AND I'M STUCK WITH, UH,

GONNA STICK WITH YOU.

- OH, DOBE, YOU'RE ALWAYS
DOING THINGS FOR ME.

AND I NEVER DO NOTHING FOR YOU.

- THAT ISN'T TRUE.

YOU DO PLENTY OF THINGS FOR ME.

- NAME ONE.

- ONE? I'LL NAME A BUNCH.

YOU TELL ME WHEN MY
SHOELACES ARE UNTIED.

YOU COME OVER AND WAKE
ME UP AT 6:00 EVERY SATURDAY

AND SUNDAY MORNING,
JUST TO REMIND ME

THERE'S NO SCHOOL.

YOU, YOU, UH, UH,

DID I MENTION THE SHOELACES?
- YEAH, DOBE.

- ALL RIGHT, SO YOU DON'T
DO TOO MUCH FOR ME.

A MAN DOESN'T PICK HIS FRIENDS
BECAUSE THEY DO THINGS FOR HIM.

- I'D DO THINGS FOR YOU
IF YOU ASKED ME, DOBE,

HONEST I WOULD.
- SURE YOU WOULD, MAYNARD.

- I'D SWIM ACROSS THE
ALGONQUIN RIVER FOR YOU.

I'D SWIM ACROSS
MILFORD LAKE FOR YOU.

- I'D SWIM ACROSS THE
ENGLISH CHANNEL FOR YOU.

I'D SWIM ACROSS
THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.

I'D SWIM ACROSS
THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

- I'D SWIM ACROSS THE NORTH
POLE, AND THAT AIN'T EASY,

BECAUSE IT'S ALL ICE,
AND IT AIN'T EVEN WATER.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH, ENOUGH.

WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THINGS
FOR EACH OTHER, WE'RE FRIENDS,

AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

- I'M NOT A FRIEND,
I'M, I'M AN ANCHOR

THAT'S, LIKE, HOLDING YOU BACK.
- NO, MAYNARD.

- I'M A WEIGHT AROUND YOUR NECK.
- MAYNARD, NO.

- I'M A DRAG.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.

- HOLD ON, I GOT TWO MORE WORDS.

I'M A ROADBLOCK,
I'M AN OBSTACLE.

- MAYNARD, STOP
THAT. WE'RE FRIENDS,

AND WE'RE GONNA STAY FRIENDS.

- AH, DOBE, LET'S
HATE EACH OTHER.

IT'S BETTER FOR YOU.
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT.

- YOU WANT TO PROVE
YOU'RE REALLY A FRIEND?

- OF COURSE.
- THEN HATE ME.

- OH, MAYNARD.
- PLEASE?

- NO, MAYNARD.

- OH, I'M, LIKE, A
MISERABLE FAILURE.

I CAN'T EVEN, LIKE,
TALK MY BEST FRIEND

INTO HATING ME.

- WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, IT DIDN'T WORK?

WHEN HERBERT T.
GILLIS GIVES ADVICE,

IT DON'T DARE NOT TO WORK.

- THOSE HYPOTHETICAL
I THINK CATS TRIED IT,

BUT NOTHING HAPPENED, MR. G.

I MEAN, THE HERO WOULDN'T
LET GO OF THE SLOB.

- WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
THE HERO IS TOO LOYAL,

AND UPSTANDING, AND TRUE.

IT'S LIKE THAT PICTURE

WITH BETTY GRABLE
AND DAN DAILEY, SEE?

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE HIM UP,

UNTIL DAN DAILEY MADE HER DO IT.

- HOW DID HE DO THAT, MR. G?

- WELL, BY BEING
MEAN, AND ROTTEN,

AND PRETENDING THAT HE
DIDN'T WANT HER ANY MORE.

- LIKE, MEAN?
- LIKE, MEAN.

- LIKE, ROTTEN?
- LIKE, ROTTEN.

- LIKE, MEAN AND ROTTEN?
- LIKE, MEAN AND ROTTEN.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD YOU
WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME

BEFORE CLASS SO WE COULD
DO YOUR HISTORY HOMEWORK.

- LIKE, FLAKE OFF, SQUARE.

- FLAKE OFF, SQUARE?

- YOU HEARD ME, CUBE. YOU'RE,
LIKE, TOO OBLONG FOR ME.

- MAYNARD, WHAT KIND
OF A CRAZY STUNT IS THIS?

NOW, COME ON, LET'S
GET THAT WORK DONE.

- OH, YOUR MOTHER LISTENS
TO LAWRENCE WELK RECORDS.

- MAYNARD.

- MAN, I'M, LIKE, FED UP WITH
HANGING AROUND WITH A CAT

THAT AIN'T GOT, LIKE, A SINGLE
SWEATSHIRT TO HIS NAME.

- MAYNARD, STOP
THIS. NOW, LOOK...

- OH, CUT OUT, JUNIOR. I
GOT, LIKE, NO TIME TO WASTE

ON A CAT LIKE YOU
THAT AIN'T WITH IT.

- MAYNARD.

- LOOK, LIKE, ZOOM
OFF, BOY, HUH?

- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
QUIT BEHAVING LIKE THIS?

- GOOD DAY, CLASS.

NOW WE'VE GOT A LOT OF
GROUND TO COVER TODAY.

WE'VE GOT A LOT OF GROUND TO...

WE HAD A LOT OF
GROUND TO COVER TODAY.

- ANYWAY, LET'S GET
STARTED AT ONCE.

MAYNARD KREBS, WHO WAS
THE FAMOUS PATRIOT WHO SAID,

"I REGRET I HAVE BUT ONE
LIFE TO GIVE FOR MY COUNTRY?"

AND DON'T TRY TO
GET HELP FROM DOBIE.

- FROM WHO?

- FROM YOUR
FRIEND, DOBIE GILLIS.

- HE AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE.

I MEAN, I'VE GOT BETTER FRIENDS
THAN SQUARE OBLONGS LIKE HIM.

I MEAN, MAN, WHO
NEEDS A CREEP LIKE THAT?

- MAYNARD?

WILL THE REAL MAYNARD
G. KREBS PLEASE STAND UP?

- THAT'S ME, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

I PICK MY OWN FRIENDS. AND
HE SURE AIN'T ONE OF THEM.

- TRULY, WE LIVE IN
A TIME OF CHANGE.

- EVER HEARD OF "TOGETHERNESS?"

WELL, MAYNARD WAS OUT TO
PROVE THAT IT'S AS OBSOLETE

AS THE HORSE AND BUGGY.

AND HE DARN NEAR CONVINCED ME.

- SO THE GOLD RUSH OF 1849
CAN THEREFORE BE CONSIDERED

THE BEGINNING OF THE
OPENING OF THE WEST.

YOU SEE WHEN...
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.

UH, ZELDA'S WORKING WITH
ME ON MY HISTORY HOMEWORK.

HERE, SIT DOWN. WE
COULD BOTH USE HELP.

- OH, GET LOST. I GOT
NO TIME FOR BOOKS

AND STUDIES, AND ALL THAT.

- MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD.

- I'M A PROTEST CAT.

AND IT'S CATS LIKE YOU
I'M PROTESTING AGAINST.

YEE, WHAT A RECTANGLE.

- WELL, I TRIED.

NOBODY CAN POINT A FINGER
AT ME AND SAY I DIDN'T TRY.

BUT MAYNARD MADE
IT PERFECTLY CLEAR,

HE JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO BE FRIENDS ANY MORE.

NATURALLY, I FELT
MISERABLE ABOUT IT.

AND EVERYBODY ELSE
FELT TERRIBLE, TOO.

- YOU'RE THROUGH WITH MAYNARD?

OH, THAT'S THE BEST THING

THAT COULD HAVE EVER
HAPPENED TO YOU, BOY.

- ATTA BOY, POOPSIE,

YOU'RE A CINCH TO BE
A SMASHING SUCCESS.

- GOOD NEWS, GILLIS, BABY,

THE MEMBERSHIP COMMITTEE
HAS RECONSIDERED,

AND YOU'RE NOT ONE OF US.

- MR. GILLIS, YOUR WORK

HAS SHOWN A
REMARKABLE IMPROVEMENT,

AS THOUGH SOMETHING
HAD BEEN ADDED,

OR, UH, TAKEN AWAY.

- YEP, ALL THE
TOGETHERNESS WAS GONE.

DOBIE GILLIS AND
MAYNARD G. KREBS

HAD COME TO THE
PARTING OF THE WAYS.

I DIDN'T LIKE IT, BUT
I HAD TO ACCEPT IT.

I FORCED MYSELF TO ACCEPT IT.

- SO I SAID TO HIM, WHY NOT?

- HI-HO, KIDDIES.

- WELL, HI, CHATSWORTH.

- UH, ANNOUNCEMENT,
ANNOUNCEMENT.

- WHAT?
- MOMSIE HAS INVITED YOU ALL

TO OSBORN MANOR
FOR A BARBECUE LUNCH.

- OH? HAMBURGERS?

- HOW GAUCHE.

BARBECUED CAVIAR, OF COURSE.

COOK WILL TOUCH
NOTHING ELSE. PILE IN.

- WATCH YOUR FEET,
GETTING INTO THE BACK.

I WISH SOMEBODY HAD
DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION.

LOOK AT YOU.
- COME ON, CHATSWORTH.

- WE'RE ALL INSIDE?
- DRIVE ON.

- BACK, I SAY, BACK.

- HEY, THAT'S WHERE
DOBE ALWAYS SITS.

YEAH.

MAN, I WISH HE WAS HERE NOW,

BECAUSE I'D SAY,

"LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY." OH, ME?

OH, I'VE BEEN GREAT,
JUST GREAT. I...

OH, WHO AM KIDDING,

I'VE BEEN MISERABLE
WITHOUT YOU, DOBE.

I GOT NOBODY TO TALK TO,

AND NOBODY TO LISTEN TO ME,

AND NOBODY TO HACK AROUND WITH,

AND WITHOUT YOU,
I'M A POOR, MISERABLE,

GOOD-FOR-NOTHING NOBODY.

- WHY'D YOU HAVE TO DO IT, DOBE?

I MEAN, SURE, I
KNOW YOU HAVE TO,

LIKE, MOVE ONWARDS, AND UPWARDS,

AND I'LL PROBABLY, LIKE,

MOVE DOWNWARDS AND OUTWARDS.

BUT YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE LISTENED TO ME.

YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I'D BE A
MISERABLE NOTHING WITHOUT YOU,

RUNNING AROUND ALL ALONE

LIKE A POOR, LONELY
WAFER. YEAH, WAIF.

I MEAN, IT JUST DON'T SEEM
FAIR FOR A FELLOW TO SUFFER

LIKE I'VE BEEN SUFFERING SINCE
WE AIN'T BEEN FRIENDS NO MORE.

GEE, DOBE. WHY DID
YOU HAVE TO DO IT?

- HI, EVERYBODY.

WHAT'S NEW?

HI, ZELDA.

CHATSWORTH. ANYBODY?

WELL, NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, JUST A DARN MINUTE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHY WON'T ANYBODY TALK TO ME?

- I SAW POOR, LONELY,
UNHAPPY MAYNARD IN THE PARK.

HE'S SUFFERING TERRIBLY.

- YES, IF YOU MUST KNOW, GILLIS,

THERE IS SUCH A
THING AS FAIR PLAY.

- HE'S FORGOTTEN WHAT IT MEANS.

- YOU'RE A BRUTE.
- YOU'RE A CAD.

- YOU'RE A PEASANT.
- WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT?

- AND ALL THESE YEARS I
THOUGHT YOU WERE SO SWEET,

AND KIND, AND GENTLE.

BUT YOU DUMP A
FRIEND LIKE MAYNARD

JUST YOU CAN GET
AHEAD IN THE WORLD.

- DUMP HIM?
- RIGHT THIS MINUTE,

HE'S CRYING HIS EYES OUT

BECAUSE YOU WON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

- YOU BRUTE.
- YOU CAD.

- YOU PEASANT.

- BUT YOU ALL TOLD ME I
WAS BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

- HOW COULD
ANYBODY BE BETTER OFF

BY DUMPING SUCH
A FAITHFUL FRIEND?

BESIDES, I NEVER THOUGHT
YOU'D GO THROUGH WITH IT.

- THERE ARE SOME THINGS ONE
JUST DOESN'T DO, YOU BRUTE.

- YOU CAD.
- YOU PEASANT.

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

- BRUTE? CAD? PEASANT?

LOVABLE ME? I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- GOOD DAY, CLASS.

TODAY WE'RE GOING TO...

IT'S YOU, MR. GILLIS, HUH?

- HUH?

- WELL, I KNOW I'M
JUST A MERE TEACHER,

AND IT'S PROBABLY
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT MR. GILLIS, I AM SHOCKED.

- WHAT?

- OH, I REALIZE THAT IN
A DOG-EAT-DOG SOCIETY,

IT'S IMPORTANT TO GET AHEAD.

BUT OVER THE BROKEN
BODIES OF OUR FRIENDS?

- MR. POMFRITT...

- OF COURSE, I SHOULD
PROBABLY KEEP MY NOSE OUT OF IT,

BUT MAYNARD KREBS,

DESPITE APPEARANCES
TO THE CONTRARY,

IS STILL A HUMAN BEING.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.

- A VULNERABLE HUMAN BEING.

- BUT...
- OH, FOR SHAME, MR. GILLIS,

FOR SHAME.

WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THE OLD VALUES?

DOES FRIENDSHIP NO
LONGER COUNT FOR ANYTHING?

- THAT DOES IT.

- MR. GILLIS, WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?

- TO PROVE I'M NOT A BRUTE
AND A CAD. OR A PEASANT.

- SURE, I'LL MISS YOU,
DOBE, OLD BUDDY.

BUT I'LL GET ALONG SOMEHOW.

I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE,
BETTER THIS WAY.

YOU'LL MOVE, LIKE, ON AND UP,

AND I'LL MOVE,
LIKE, DOWN AND OUT.

- MAYNARD, I'M NOT GOING
ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU.

- YOU GOTTA. I'M, LIKE, A
STUMBLING BLOCK, AN ANCHOR,

A WEIGHT AROUND YOUR NECK.
- MAYNARD.

- IT'S NO USE ARGUING.

DOBE? LIKE, FLAKE OFF, SQUARE.

- MAYNARD, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO.

- I GOT NO TIME FOR
OBLONGS. GET LOST.

- MAYNARD, FOR YOU, I'D SWIM
ACROSS THE ALGONQUIN RIVER.

- BEAT IT.

FOR YOU, I'D SWIM
ACROSS MILFORD LAKE.

- BACK OFF.

- I'D SWIM ACROSS
THE ENGLISH CHANNEL.

- GET LOST. YOU WOULD?

- I'D SWIM THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.
- YEAH?

- THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
- YEAH?

- THE NORTH POLE, ICE OR NO ICE.

- DOBE, YOU'D DO ALL
THOSE THINGS FOR ME?

- I SURE WOULD, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, WOW!
- LIKE, WOW!

- YEAH.

[CRUNCH]

- DOBE?
- YEAH.

- I DID IT AGAIN.
- YOU DID IT AGAIN.

- SLAPPED ICE CREAM
ALL OVER YOUR BACK.

- SLAPPED ICE CREAM
ALL OVER MY BACK.

- YEAH.

- OH, WHO CARES, MAYNARD?

THERE'S LOTS OF SHIRTS,

BUT THERE'S ONLY
MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- LIKE, TRUE.
- YEAH. AND A GOOD THING.

- YEAH.

- HI, DAD.
- YOU.

- BEAUTIFUL DAY, HUH?
- HUH.

- DAD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- HUH, AND HUH, AGAIN.

- DAD, WHAT IS IT?

ARE YOU MAD AT ME
FOR SOMETHING? TELL ME.

- YEAH, AND I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT I'M MAD ABOUT.

I HEARD THE WAY
YOU'VE BEEN KICKING

THAT POOR SLOB, MAYNARD AROUND.

IT'S ALL OVER TOWN.
- BUT DAD.

- I RAISED MY BOY TO BE CLEAN,

AND UPSTANDING, AND TRUE,

AND HERE YOU ARE,
KICKING HIM ALL OVER...

JUST BECAUSE HE'S SUCH
A CRUMMY CHARACTER.

- DAD, LISTEN.

- I'M ASHAMED THAT YOU
SHOULD DO SUCH A THING,

NO MATTER HOW BIG A CREEP HE IS.

- DAD, MAYNARD AND I
ARE BACK TOGETHER.

WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN.

- OH, NOBODY DESERVES
TO BE BOOTED, UH,

YOU AND MAYNARD
ARE FRIENDS AGAIN?

- RIGHT, JUST LIKE BEFORE.

- OH, I'M GLAD TO
HEAR THAT, BOY.

YOU'LL NEVER REGRET THAT.
- MM-HMM.

- YOU KNOW, THERE'S
SUCH A THING AS BEING,

YOU MEAN MAYNARD'S GONNA
BE HANGING AROUND HERE,

NIGHT AND DAY AGAIN?

- YEAH, EVERYTHING
WILL BE JUST LIKE BEFORE.

- FILCHING APPLES?
SNEAKING DONUTS?

SCARING THE CUSTOMERS?
- DAD.

- IS THAT ANY WAY TO TREAT
YOUR DEAR, OLD, LOYAL DAD?

DRAGGING IN THAT TACKY,
RUN-DOWN, SPOOKY LUNKHEAD?

- YOU RANG?

- LIKE, HI, MR. G. CAN I
HAVE A DONUT? WHOA.

- DAD, WAIT.

- YOU'RE EATING ME
OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME.

EVERY TIME...

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪