The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 15 - Have You Stopped Beating Your Wife? - full transcript

- THE VITAL THING
WE MUST REMEMBER

AS WE PREPARE TO ENTER MATRIMONY

IS THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH

WE SEEM TO BE
MEANT FOR EACH OTHER

THERE ARE BOUND TO
BE BASIC DIFFERENCES.

SO THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY
WE CAN BRING TO MARRIAGE

IS COMPATIBILITY.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS.

OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS FUTURE

FACES A COUPLE WHO
DO HAVE COMPATIBILITY

FOR COMPATIBILITY -
MARY ELLEN, MARY ELLEN?



DON'T YOU WANNA LEARN
ABOUT COMPATIBILITY?

- ALL RIGHT, MARY ELLEN,

IF YOU NEVER WANNA GET A
FELLOW IT'S ON YOUR HEAD.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- I'M REAL GONE ON
THIS MARRIAGE KICK.

YOU SEE, UP TO NOW I'VE
MERELY BEEN HAVING DATES,

YOU KNOW, JUST SPLASHING
AROUND IN THE SHALLOW END OF LIFE

SO TO SPEAK.

BUT PRETTY SOON I'LL BE PLUNGING
INTO THE DEEP END, MARRIAGE.



SO TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS
I'M STUDYING THIS BOOK

ON THE PROBLEMS OF MARRIED LIFE.

I HAVE TO USE A
BOOK BECAUSE, WELL,

JUST BETWEEN US

I'M GETTING SOME AWFUL
PECULIAR ANSWERS AT HOME.

MY MOTHER, A NICE, KIND,
UNCOMPLAINING LADY.

UNCOMPLAINING?

WELL, NOBODY'S EVER
HEARD HER COMPLAIN

AND THE REASON IS THAT
NOBODY'S EVER THERE TO LISTEN.

YOU SEE, SHE'S ONLY HALF
OF THIS HAPPY FAMILY PICTURE.

HERE'S THE OTHER HALF,

THE EMPTY CHAIR
MISSING HUSBAND HALF.

MOM SAYS THE LAST
TIME SHE REMEMBERS DAD

IN THAT CHAIR WAS WHEN
HE SAT THERE TO LISTEN

TO THE ELECTION
RETURNS AND WILKY LOST.

- WE ARE THE BENEVOLENT
ORDER OF BISON

- WE STICK THROUGH
THIN AND THICK

- WE ARE BETTER
THAN STREPTOMYCIN

WHEN OUR PALS GET SICK

- MOO! MOO! MOO!

- SO NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH,

THE POWERFUL FORCE THAT'S
KEPT MY FATHER'S CHAIR EMPTY

FOR LO THESE MANY YEARS

IS THE BENEVOLENT
ORDER OF BISON.

OH, I CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR BEING
SUCH AN ENTHUSIASTIC MEMBER.

AFTER ALL, THE LODGE
GIVES HIM A CHANCE

FOR A LITTLE PLEASANT
RELAXATION AND FRIENDSHIP.

- AND FURTHERMORE, ZAVINSKI,

YOU HAVE ALWAYS
BEEN A CHOWDER HEAD.

- OH, YEAH!
- OH, YEAH!

- WELL, I MIGHT BE
A CHOWDER HEAD

BUT YOU'RE A STUPID
CHOWDER HEAD!

- OH, YEAH!

- WELL, YOU HAPPEN TO BE A
STUPID STUBBORN CHOWDER HEAD!

- YEP, MOM KNITS AND FRETS
WHILE DAD ROARS AND BELLOWS.

- YOU SEE, THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED

WITHOUT COMPATIBILITY
MARRIAGE BECOMES SHABBY,

TACKY, SEEDY, WASHED OUT.

- YOU RANG?

- OH, HI, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
- HI.

- OH, I CHECKED THROUGH
THAT BOOK FROM DULLS-VILLE.

- YEAH, WE'RE
STUDYING IT AT SCHOOL

IN OUR SENIOR PROBLEMS
CLASS, MARRIAGE,

COURTSHIP AND ROMANCE.

- THE TITLE SOUNDS,
LIKE, WILD BUT IT DON'T

HAVE MUCH OF A STORY.

- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME,

I'M READING THIS BOOK
BECAUSE I WANNA BE

BETTER PREPARED FOR MARRIAGE

THAN MY MOTHER AND FATHER WERE.

- MY FOLKS ARE,
LIKE, A MESS, TOO.

- MINE AREN'T A MESS.
THEY'RE JUST INCOMPATIBLE

AND THEY DON'T SPEND ENOUGH
TIME TOGETHER TO GET COMPATIBLE.

- WELL, THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.
- BUT I LIVE IN HOPE,

HOPE THAT SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW,

SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN
THAT'LL BRING MY FATHER

BACK TO HIS HOME AND
HEARTH WHERE HE'S SO BELOVED

AND AWAY FROM THE
BISON LODGE FOREVER.

- ON THIS GLORIOUS
OCCASION, LET ME STATE,

THAT IF I AM ELECTED TO
THIS HIGH AND NOBLE OFFICE

I WILL INCREASE THE NUMBER
OF MEETINGS TO THREE

OR MAYBE EVEN FOUR A WEEK,

EVERY WEEK AND ANY GUY WHO
DON'T SHOW UP BECAUSE HIS WIFE

DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA
IS A LILY LIVERED COWARD

AND WE DON'T WANT HIM
FOR A MEMBER ANYHOW.

- BOY, WHAT DILLY OF A MEETING

WE HAD LAST NIGHT.
A MILLION LAUGHS.

- YES, YOU WERE STILL
GIGGLING WHEN YOU GOT HOME

AT EXACTLY 2:26 THIS MORNING.

- OH, WELL, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST NIGHT,

SO I BETTER GIVE
YOU A HINT. IT'S GOT

- YOU WERE NOMINATED
FOR GRAND BULL BISON.

- SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME

BECOMING A VERY IMPORTANT
HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- IT'S HAPPENED
THIS TIME OF YEAR

FOR THE PAST NINE YEARS.

- IT'S ONLY EIGHT YEARS AND
LET'S SKIP THE WHOLE THING.

- HI, MOM, DAD.

- SON, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

- YOU WERE NOMINATED FOR
GRAND EXALTED BULL AGAIN.

- WHO TOLD YOU?

- I FIGURED IT OUT YESTERDAY
WHEN I SAW YOU COPYING

CALVIN COOLIDGE'S
ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

OUT OF MY HISTORY BOOK.

- I WAS NOT COPYING.
I WAS ADAPTING.

- YOU OUGHT TO LET ME WRITE
YOUR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR YOU.

BOY, THERE'S BE 100 NEW
MEMBERS JOIN UP RIGHT AWAY

JUST SO THEY COULD
VOTE AGAINST YOU.

- WELL, THANK GOODNESS
THE VOTERS CAN'T SEE ME

BEING HUMILIATED LIKE
THIS RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

WINNIE, WHAT'S AILING YOU?

- I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S AILING ME.

WHAT'S AILING ME IS THAT WE
SPEND PRACTICALLY NO TIME

AT ALL TOGETHER ANYMORE
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS

RUNNING OFF TO THE BISON'S
AND THAT'S NOT THE WAY

IT OUGHT TO BE IN A MARRIAGE

AND IT'S MAKING
MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY

AND THAT'S WHAT'S AILING ME.

- WINNIE, WE SPEND
PLENTY OF TIME TOGETHER

RIGHT HERE IN THE STORE.

- SURE, FILLING ORDERS.

- WHAT ABOUT AFTER
THE STORE IS CLOSED?

- THAT'S WHEN WE
DELIVER THE ORDERS.

- NO HERBERT, BE HONEST

AND ADMIT OUR MARRIAGE
HAS LOST IT'S PEP,

IT'S ZING, IT'S GUSTO.

MARRY ME, WINNIE-POOH

AND WE WILL LAUGH AND DANCE

AND SING OUR WAY
THROUGH LIFE TOGETHER.

- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THOSE BIG PLANS, BIG TALKER?

- CAN'T YOU RECOGNIZE A CAMPAIGN
PROMISE WHEN YOU HEAR ONE?

- AH-HA!

- AH-HA!

- YOU KEEP YOUR
AH-HA OUT OF THIS.

- HERBERT T. GILLIS, I DEMAND
MORE OUT OF OUR MARRIAGE

THAN I'VE BEEN GETTING

AND YOU BETTER DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT P.D.Q.!

MOO!

- IT'S HEART BREAKING TO SEE
ANYBODY SUFFER LIKE THAT,

EVEN PARENTS, SO I DECIDED
TO MOVE UP TO HEAVY ARTILLERY,

NAMELY ME.

OH, I DON'T MEAN JUST ME.

I MEAN THE VAST KNOWLEDGE
I'VE ACQUIRED ABOUT MARRIAGE,

COURTSHIP AND ROMANCE.

DON'T LAUGH. I READ
THE WHOLE BOOK DIDN'T I?

- GET THAT ROTTEN HUNK
OF PROPAGANDA OUT OF HERE

BEFORE I USE IT TO
WRAP FISH HEADS IN.

- DAD, HOW DO YOU KNOW THE
BOOK WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED IT.

- JUST CHECK THE SIZE
OF THE BLAME THING.

I DON'T TRUST NO BOOK I
CAN'T GET IN MY POCKET.

- DAD, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THIS BOOK.

IT JUST TELLS HOW VITAL IT
IS TO PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE.

I MEAN, WE PREPARE
FOR A SIMPLE LITTLE THING

LIKE SAY A PICNIC,

SO WHY SHOULDN'T WE PREPARE

FOR A WHOPPING BIG
THING LIKE MARRIAGE?

- BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS
NO PICNIC, THAT'S WHY!

- MARITAL HARMONY, WHO'S SHE?

- THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS.

- ARE YOU A GOOD MATE?

WHAT'S THAT, SOME SORT OF AN AD

FOR A LONELY HEARTS
CLUB OR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, IT'S A TEST THAT TELLS IF
YOU'RE A GOOD OR BAD HUSBAND.

- I CAN TELL YOU THAT
WITHOUT ANY TEST.

I'M A GOOD HUSBAND.

IN FACT, I'M PROBABLY
ONE OF THE VERY BEST.

IT'S YOUR MOTHER WHO
DOES ALL THE FUSSING.

OH, SOMETIMES SHE'S
A TROUBLE MAKER.

- LET'S TAKE THE TEST, DAD,

I'LL MARK DOWN YOUR ANSWERS.

- I CAN TELL YOU EXACTLY
HOW IT'S GONNA COME OUT

BUT GO AHEAD, WHAT'S TO LOSE?

- OH, OKAY.

ARE YOU MODEST OR EGOTISTICAL?

- EGOTISTICAL?
MODEST, DEFINITELY.

- WHY I NEVER CLAIM

TO KNOW MORE THAN
YOUR MOTHER DOES

EXCEPT WHEN I ACTUALLY DO

AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT
THAT'S PRACTICALLY ALL THE TIME.

- OH, YEAH, MM-HMM.

ARE YOU OVERLY
CRITICAL OF YOUR MATE?

- POSITIVELY NO.

I NEVER CRITICIZE YOUR MOTHER

UNLESS IT IS
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

AND I'LL CUT THAT OUT JUST
AS SOON AS SHE SHAPES UP

THE WAY I WANT HER TO.

- ARE YOU PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE?

- WELL, I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

I'D RATHER YOU
ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

- WHILE YOU'RE AT IT
YOU MIGHT JUMP UP THERE

AND GIVE ME A DOUBLE
CHECK ON THAT MODEST BIT.

- ARE YOU SELFISH OR UNSELFISH?

- WELL, THIS IS
WHERE I HAVE TO ADMIT

THAT I'M NOT QUITE PERFECT.

THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO
YOU, BUT SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF

BEING JUST A
TEENSY-WEENSY BIT SELFISH,

SO MARK DOWN 1%
SELFISH AND 99% UNSELFISH.

- PERFECT I GUESS,

SO SHOOT THE NEXT
QUESTION TO ME,

BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS
IS HIGHLY EDUCATIONAL.

- YEAH, MM-HMM.

ARE YOU CONSIDERATE OR
INCONSIDERATE OF YOUR MATE.

- SON, YOU KNOW THAT I'M
NOT ONE TO BRAG, HOWEVER,

I FEEL THAT I CAN SAY
WITHOUT ANY FEAR

OF CONTRADICTION,

THAT I AM PROBABLY
ONE OF THE KINDEST

MOST CONSIDERATE

LET YOUR MOTHER GET
THAT OUT IN THE KITCHEN.

WOMEN NOWADAYS
DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO

TO KEEP THEM BUSY.

WE'LL GET ON WITH THE
QUESTION ABOUT WHAT A KIND,

CONSIDERATE HUSBAND I AM.

- HELLO?

- OH, HELLO, BLANCHE. NOTHING.

JUST CLEANING UP AFTER DINNER.

WHAT? AN OVERNIGHT BAG?

YES, I HAVE ONE I CAN SPARE.

WHERE YOU GOING?

OH, HOW WONDERFUL.

WELL, THEN I BETTER LEND YOU
MY SANDALS AND MY BATHING CAP

AND OTHER THINGS THAT
YOU CAN USE AT THE BEACH.

OH, IT'S NO TROUBLE.

I'LL JUST PUT
EVERYTHING IN THE BAG

AND YOU CAN PICK IT UP ON
YOUR WAY TO THE BUS DEPOT.

- WELL, WHAT'S MY SCORE, HUH?

- YEAH, HOLD ON A MINUTE, DAD,

I'M STILL ADDING IT UP.

- OH, WHAT'S THE HIGHEST
ANYBODY EVER GOT?

YOU KNOW, THIS IS PROBABLY A
NIGHT FOR BREAKING RECORDS.

- THERE.
- WELL, WHAT IS IT, HUH?

- ACCORDING TO THE
BOOK A SCORE OF 60 MEANS

A PERSON'S A REAL
DUD AS A HUSBAND,

70 INDICATES HE CAN STAND
PLENTY OF IMPROVEMENT

AND 80 MEANS HE'S
BETTER THAN AVERAGE.

- KEEP GOING, BOY. TELL ME MINE.

- WELL, IF MY
FIGURES ARE CORRECT

YOU'RE LUCKY MOM
DIDN'T LEAVE YOU

THREE DAYS AFTER
YOU WERE MARRIED.

- HEY, WHAT KIND OF A
LAME-BRAIN GAME ARE YOU PLAYING?

GIVE ME THAT BOOK.
- DAD.

- DOMINEERING,
INCONSIDERATE, HOT TEMPERED.

HOT TEMPERED, ME!

I AM NOT.

I AM PROBABLY ONE OF
THE KINDEST, SWEETEST,

MILDEST TEMPERED
HUSBANDS IN TOWN.

I'LL CLOBBER ANYBODY
WHO SAYS DIFFERENT

INCLUDING YOU.

- NOW, TAKE THIS SCREWY
BOOK AND GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE I FORGET YOUR
SON AND THAT I LOVE YOU.

- DAD, LOOK - OUT! OUT!

- EXCUSE ME, MOM.

- WINNIE, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THE THINGS THEY'RE
TEACHING OUR KIDS IN SCHOOL.

DOBIE JUST SHOWED UP
HERE WITH SOME LOONY BOOK

THAT SAYS THAT IT'S A MIRACLE

YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- PACKING MY BAG.

- WHAT FOR?

- WHAT DOES A PERSON USUALLY
DO WITH AN OVERNIGHT BAG.

- OH, COME ON NOW, WINNIE,
DON'T TRY TO SCARE ME.

- I AM NOT TRYING TO SCARE YOU.

PASS ME THOSE BEACH
SANDALS, PLEASE.

- BEACH SANDALS?

OH, YOU'RE RUNNING
OFF TO BERMUDA

OR ACAPULCO OR HONOLULU

OR ONE OF THOSE PLACES

TO MAKE UP FOR
ALL THE GOOD TIMES

I PROMISED YOU AND
THEN DIDN'T GIVE YOU.

OH, WINNIE, DON'T LEAVE ME.

- HERBERT, I AM NOT LEAVING YOU.

- YES YOU ARE, I CAN FEEL IT IN
MY TIRED, STURDY OLD BONES.

- HERBERT, I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT
TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD

AND BECAUSE YOU
FEEL SORRY FOR ME.

- THIS BAG BELONGS
TO BLANCHE KINDER.

SHE'S VISITING HER
SISTER UP AT THE LAKE.

- SEE THAT, YOU FEEL SORRIER
FOR BLANCHE KINDER'S SISTER

THAN YOU DO FOR ME.

FEEL SORRY FOR ME,
WINNIE, I'M YOUR HUSBAND.

- SSH! HERBERT, THE NEIGHBORS.

- OH, BLAST THE NEIGHBORS.

OH, WINNIE, I'LL
REFORM. I PROMISE.

I'LL BE YOUR HERBERT T. GILLIS.
I'LL GET RID OF THE OLD ONE.

- DAD, YOU WANT ME TO
GET THAT BOOK FOR YOU?

- HI, DAD.
- OH, HELLO, SON.

- I SEE YOU HAD THE SAME IDEA.

- WHAT IDEA?

- GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT.

THAT'S THE BEST THING
ABOUT LIVING UPSTAIRS

FROM A GROCERY STORE.

YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE STORE
FULL OF REFRIGERATORS TO RAID.

COME ON.
- NO, SON, NO,

THAT'S NOT GOOD THINKING.

I MEAN, EATING IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

YOU GET BAD DREAMS.

- SO HOW COME YOU'RE DOING IT?

- SO I LIKE BAD DREAMS.
WELL, GOODNIGHT, BOY.

- DAD, ALL I WANT'S
A GLASS OF MILK.

WE'RE ALL OUT OF IT UPSTAIRS.

- MILK?
- YEAH.

- A BOY YOUR AGE
STILL DRINKING MILK?

A BOY GETTING READY TO GRADUATE

FROM HIGH SCHOOL
GETTING READY TO GO OUT

AND MAKE HIS WAY IN THE
WORLD STILL DRINKING MILK?

- DAD, JUST LAST NIGHT
YOU SAID THAT MILK

WAS THE BEST THING A
PERSON COULD DRINK.

- I DID?
- YOU DID.

- WELL, WE'RE ALL OUT.

- ALL OUT?

DAD, THE MILKMAN DELIVERED
SIX CASES THIS MORNING.

- I DRANK IT ALL.

- SIX CASES.

- DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME

THAT I TOLD YOU MILK
WAS THE BEST THING

PEOPLE COULD DRINK?

- WELL, I GUESS
I'LL TURN IN, DAD.

- GOOD THINKING.
GOOD NIGHT, BOY.

- NIGHT DAD.
- SLEEP WELL.

- NIGHT AND DAD,

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED
ABOUT THAT BOOK

WITH THE ICICLES ON IT.

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL
THAT A MAN YOUR AGE IS STILL

WILLING TO TRY THINGS.

AND DAD, YOU'RE
GOING TO MAKE IT.

YOU CAN TEACH AN
OLD DOG NEW TRICKS.

NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE, SON,

BUT HOW'S THAT
BOOK GONNA HELP ME

BE A BETTER HUSBAND?

- WELL, DAD, IT'S
ALL RIGHT IN HERE.

- BECAUSE I WANNA, DOBIE,

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOUR
MOTHER WITH ALL MY HEART.

- THAT'S GOOD, DAD.

- YES, SIR, I REALLY LOVE

AND SHE'S A HARD
WORKER AND A GOOD COOK.

- HARD WORKER, GOOD COOK.

HOW ABOUT HER EYES?
- EYES?

OH, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
- AND HER HAIR?

- BEAUTIFUL, BOY.

- AND HER SMILE.

- GORGEOUS AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE SHE'S GOT
A GREAT SET OF TEETH.

WHY DO YOU KNOW, DOB,

YOUR MOTHER HASN'T
COST ME A PENNY

IN DENTAL BILLS SINCE
THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED.

- THAT'S VERY ROMANTIC, DAD.

- YES SIR, AND THAT'S
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO REMEMBER

WHEN YOU START
TO GET MARRIED BOY.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK
AT THE GIRL'S TEETH

AND GIVE HER SOMETHING
HARD TO CHEW ON

LIKE PEANUT BRITTLE,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

AND THEN WATCH REAL CLOSE

AND SEE IF SHE REALLY
PUTS HER JAW INTO IT.

I HAD A FRIEND, FRED CROSSMYER.

WE WENT TO HIGH
SCHOOL TOGETHER, SEE,

AND HE MARRIED A GIRL
AND INSIDE OF A MONTH,

SHE CLOBBERED HIM
WITH 1,000 IN DENTAL BILLS.

SHE'D BEEN SAVING
UP CAVITIES FOR YEARS

JUST WAITING FOR SOME POOR
SLOB LIKE FRED TO COME ALONG.

- ALL I HOPE IS THAT
IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

MAYBE THIS BOOK CAN
STILL YOU. I DON'T KNOW.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- IT'S WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.

I ASKED YOU WHY YOU LOVE MOM

AND YOU TELL ME IT'S BECAUSE
SHE'S GOT A GOOD SET OF TEETH.

- OH, SHE HAS,

I'VE SEEN HER BITE CLEAN
THROUGH A CHICKEN BONE.

- DAD, DON'T YOU LOVE MOM
BECAUSE SHE'S FAITHFUL,

SHE'S DEVOTED, BECAUSE
SHE'S BEEN YOUR COMPANION

AND FRIEND FOR YEARS AND YEARS

SHARING YOUR PLEASURES
AND YOUR TROUBLE,

TAKING THE BAD WITH THE GOOD?

- OF COURSE I DO.

- THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHOW IT?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHY?
BECAUSE I'M A NO-GOOD,

INCONSIDERATE, LOUT.

- OH NO, DAD, LOOK.
- YES, I AM.

DON'T TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

I'M SELFISH AND THOUGHTLESS

AND INCONSIDERATE, A LOUT.

- DAD.
- WHY FOR YEARS

I'VE HAD THE LOVE OF THAT
MARVELOUS WOMAN UPSTAIRS

WITH THAT SENSATIONAL
SET OF TEETH.

HOW HAVE I REPAID
HER BY GROUCHING

AND GRUMBLING AND CARRYING ON

AND AT NIGHT WHEN
I SHOULD BE HOME

HOLDING HER HAND DISCUSSING
OUR MUTUAL PROBLEMS, WHERE AM I?

DOWN AT THE BISON LODGE

CHALKING UP A SNOOKER CUE,

OR SNORTING AND
BELLOWING AND CARRYING ON

LIKE SOME KIND OF
A NUT OR SOMETHING.

- THAT'S TRUE, DAD.

- IT IS?
- YOU JUST SAID IT DIDN'T YOU?

- I WAS KINDA HOPING YOU
WOULDN'T AGREE WITH ME.

- DAD, YOU'RE NOT A BAD MAN.

- NO, BUT I'M SELFISH.
- WELL, A LITTLE.

- THOUGHTLESS - WELL, YES.

- I'M INCONSIDERATE.
- YES.

- SO, I'M SELFISH, THOUGHTLESS,
AND INCONSIDERATE,

BUT I'M NOT BAD.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- DOES THAT MAKES SENSE?

WHAT I MEAN TO SAY, DAD,

IS THAT BASICALLY
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU LOVE MOM
AND SHE KNOWS IT, TOO.

- OH, I DO, I DO.

BOY, I'VE LOVED HER
EVER SINCE THE FIRST TIME

I CLAMPED EYES ON HER.

IT WAS IN A BEAUTY
CONTEST IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- OH, MOM WON?

- NO, SHE CAME IN 27TH BUT THERE
WERE 29 GIRLS IN THE CONTEST

AND I FELL RIGHT
IN LOVE WITH HER.

AFTER ALL, I'M NOT ROCK
HUDSON MYSELF, YOU KNOW?

- TRUE DAD. NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE BUT I
DO HAVE A NICE SMILE,

DON'T YOU THINK?

- I DON'T KNOW, DAD,
I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.

- WELL, I'LL MAKE ONE FOR YOU.

- VERY NICE, DAD,
VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

NOW, IF WE HAD MORE
SMILES AND LESS OF THAT

THINGS WOULD BE A LOT
BETTER AROUND HERE.

- OH, I DON'T WANNA
ARGUE WITH YOU BOY.

I WANNA BE A GOOD HUSBAND

BUT HOW'S THAT
BOOK GONNA HELP ME?

- WELL, DAD, IT'S
ALL RIGHT HERE.

- I KNOW BUT THAT'S
A PRETTY BIG BOOK.

COULDN'T YOU GIVE ME A
COUPLE OF FOR INSTANCES?

- ALL RIGHT, DAD,
GOOD, LET'S SEE NOW.

FOR INSTANCE, OH, HERE,

IT SAYS "ALWAYS SHOW INTEREST

IN THE THINGS YOUR
MATE'S INTERESTED IN."

NOW, NOW, WHAT'S
MOM INTERESTED IN?

- TALKING.

- ALL RIGHT, SO TALK TO HER.

- AND THERE'S TELEVISION.

- YOU SEE DAD - YOU'RE
RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT,

YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT
ELSE DOES IT SAY?

- OH, WELL, IT SAYS OH,

ALWAYS ACCEPT CONSTRUCTIVE
CRITICISM FROM YOUR MATE.

- CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?
- YEAH.

- AND NOT ONLY MISS TELEVISION

BUT BREAKFAST,
LUNCH AND DINNER, TOO?

- DAD, IT'S NO USE.
FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

THIS BOOK'S NOT GONNA HELP YOU.

- NO, NO, NO, BOY.

I REALLY LOVE YOUR MOTHER,

BELIEVE ME AND IT
AIN'T JUST HER TEETH.

- YOU'LL REALLY STUDY THIS BOOK?

- OH, I WILL, I WILL.

AND YOU'LL DO WHAT IT SAYS?

- I PROMISE.

- DAD, I BELIEVE YOU.

- SON?

- YEAH, DAD?

- YOU'RE ALL HEART.

- WELL, SIR, DAD
DID STUDY THE BOOK

AND HE DID DO WHAT IT
SAID, PART OF IT, ANYHOW.

- DAD, HALLOWEEN'S OVER.

- NEVER MIND THE WISECRACKS.

I GOT THESE DUDS

OUT OF AN OLD
TRUNK UP IN THE ATTIC.

I BOUGHT THEM ON OUR HONEYMOON.

- OH? ACAPULCO?
- TIJUANA.

- IT'S ALL ON ACCOUNT
OF THAT BOOK OF YOURS.

IT'S THE ONLY IDEA IN
THE WHOLE SHE-BANG

THAT ISN'T POINTLESS,

STUPID, KNUCKLEHEADED.

- LIKE, HI, DOB.

LIKE, BYE, DOB.
- MAYNARD,

MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY MY FATHER.

- WELL, THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.

WHAT ARE YOU MADE UP FOR,
MR. G, HALLOWEEN'S, LIKE, OVER.

- ONE MORE REMARK LIKE THAT

OUT OF HIM AND OUT.

- I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING
ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES.

I LIKE, LIKE THEM.

- SEE? I TOLD YOU
HE WAS GONNA MAKE

SOME KIND OF A DIRTY CRACK.

- WHAT ABOUT THE CLOTHES, DAD?

- OH, WELL, IT'S, KIND OF, A
SURPRISE FOR YOUR MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, THAT BOOK
YOU GAVE ME IT SAYS

THAT WE SHOULD TRY TO RECREATE
THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE COURTSHIP.

- COURTSHIP?

NO, NO, NO, DON'T
GO TO COURT, MR. G.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO TO COURT. I MEAN,

THEY CAN'T CONVICT YOU
FOR WEARING THEM CLOTHES

NO MATTER HOW SCREWY YOU LOOK.

I MEAN, THEY CAN'T
DRAG YOU INTO COURT

FOR ANYTHING YOU WEAR AS
LONG AS YOU WEAR SOMETHING.

I KNOW, THEY KEEP
TRYING TO RUN ME IN.

- DAD, THE BOOK JUST
MEANT TO TREAT MOM

LIKE YOU DID WHEN
YOU WERE COURTING.

- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

BA-BA-BA-BOO, BA-BA-BA-BOO.

HOT LIPS HERBIE GILLIS
THEY USED TO CALL ME

IN THOSE DAYS.

OH, SHE'S GONNA GET
A BIG KICK OUT OF THIS.

BA-BA-BA-BOO, ME-ME - ME-ME.

- WELL, GIRLS I'M DUMMY,
I'LL GET THE COFFEE.

- GOOD.

DID YOU GET A LOOK AT THAT DRESS

THAT POOR THING'S WEARING

- FIVE YEARS OLD
IF IT WAS A DAY.

- THAT TIGHTWAD
HERBERT T. GILLIS.

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT MY
HEART KEEPS SAYING ♪

♪ WHILE EVERY
BREEZE IS PLAYING ♪

♪ OUR CUBAN LOVE SONG ♪

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ FOR ALL THE JOY
YOU'VE BROUGHT ME ♪

♪ I LOVE THE NIGHTS
YOU TAUGHT ME ♪

♪ OUR CUBAN LOVE SONG ♪

- WHO WAS THAT?

- YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL
IT WAS MY HUSBAND, HERBERT.

- UH-HUH. - OH - OH-OH.
- OH-OH-OH-OH.

- DON'T YOU OH-OH-OH ME.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL
THINKING AND IT JUST ISN'T SO.

- YOU CAN TELL US,
DEAR, WHAT IS IT, HORSES?

- POKER?

-BELTING THE GRAPE?
ANOTHER WOMAN?

- IT'S NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

HERBERT ACTED SWEET
TO ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME

AND HE WANTS ME
ALWAYS TO BE HAPPY

AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

- SURE, WINIFRED, SURE.

- WELL, IT'S TRUE.

HE'S NOT GOING TO THE
BISON MEETINGS ANYMORE

BECAUSE I COMPLAINED TO HIM

THAT HE WAS SPENDING
TOO MUCH TIME DOWN THERE.

- YOU MEAN A BISON
GAVE UP HIS LODGE

ON ACCOUNT OF HIS WIFE? AH!
- HA!

- HE HASN'T BEEN
THERE IN OVER A WEEK

AND I KNOW, BECAUSE HE'S
BEEN TAKING ME OUT EVERY NIGHT

TO THE MOVIES AND
FANCY NIGHTCLUBS

AND INTIMATE LITTLE
RESTAURANTS, EVERY PLACE.

HE TREATS ME JUST LIKE
WHEN WE WERE COURTING

AND IT'S BEEN WONDERFUL.

CANDLELIGHT DINNERS,

FLOWERS TWICE A DAY, PERFUME.

- GO ON.

- YES, FANCY, DON'T STOP NOW.

- OH, YOU DOLL!

- WHAT'S ALL THIS
CRAZY BUSINESS HERE?

- ALL THOSE GIRLS ARE
TERRIBLY ENVIOUS OF ME.

- OF YOU?
- OF COURSE

AND ALL THE BECAUSE
YOU'RE SO SWEET TO ME.

- ME? OH, COME ON.

- IT'S TRUE, DEAR.

AND NOW WOULD YOU DO ONE
MORE SWEET THING FOR ME?

- YOU BET,
WINNIE-POOH, ANYTHING?

- GO TO THE NEXT BISON MEETING.

- YOU'RE KIDDING?

- AND CAMPAIGN LIKE THE DICKENS

BECAUSE I'M JUST DYING TO BE

MRS. GRAND EXALTED BIG BULL.

- SO I SHALL INSIST IT...
- MOO!

- OH, GRAND EXALTED
BIG BULL BISON

FOR BEING LATE TO THE
GATHERING OF THE HERD

HE'S THE CULPRIT.

- WHO SHALL PRESENT THE CHARGES
AGAINST BANISHED BULL GILLIS?

[ALL SHOUTING]

- ME, ME FIRST!

- AND ME NEXT.

- I CHARGE BULL GILLIS
WITH UN-BISON LIKE CONDUCT

UNBECOMING TO A BISON

BEING NICE TO HIS WIFE.

- NOW IS IT YOU
BELLYACHING BULLY, YOU...

SIT DOWN YOU!

- AND ON ACCOUNT OF GILLIS
OUR WIVES HAVE PASSED A RULE

WE CAN ONLY COME TO
THE LODGE ONCE A WEEK!

[ALL SHOUTING]

- SHALL BULL GILLIS BE
STOMPED OUT OF THE HERD?

- YEAH!
- BOO!

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

- OH, NO, YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

AFTER ALL I'M
REALLY A SWEET GUY.

OH, I MAY GET A LITTLE
LOUDMOUTH ONCE IN A WHILE

BUT UNDERNEATH BEATS
A HEART OF PURE GOLD.

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

- OH, NO.

[GAVEL BANGING]

- US BISON WIVES
HEARD WHAT YOU SAID

ABOUT HERBERT T. GILLIS.

NOW, THIS WONDERFUL MAN
BROUGHT US OUT OF THE WILDERNESS

AND MADE US BISON WIVES
REALIZE WHAT CHARMING,

WHAT FASCINATING,

WHAT BEAUTIFUL AND
ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WE ARE.

- HURRAY!

- EVERYBODY IN FAVOR
OF HERBERT T. GILLIS

FOR GRAND EXALTED BIG BULL

SAY AYE.
- All: AYE!

- AYE!

- MR. GILLIS IS THE NEW

GRAND EXALTED BIG BULL BISON.

[CHEERING]

- HOW DOES IT FEEL
GETTING HUGGED

BY THE GRAND
EXALTED BIG BULL BISON.

- EXACTLY LIKE GETTING
HUGGED BY HOT LIPS HERBIE GILLIS.

- THIS MEETING IS ADJOURNED
TILL THE NEXT MEETING

EXCEPT FOR ONE THING,
ALL MEMBERS MARRIED

AND OTHERWISE WILL REPORT
HERE NEXT THURSDAY NIGHT.

I'M GONNA GIVE LESSONS.

- READY TO GO TO
THE MOVIES, DOB?

- OH, MAYNARD.

- THEY'RE SHOWING A
QUADRUPLE FEATURE.

THE FIRST FEATURE IS THE
MONSTER THAT DEVOURED CLEVELAND.

- THE SECOND FEATURE IS THE SON

OF THE MONSTER THAT
DEVOURED CLEVELAND.

- MAYNARD, LISTEN -
THE THIRD FEATURE

IS THE BRIDE OF THE
SON OF THE MONSTER

THAT DEVOURED CLEVELAND.
- MAYNARD, STOP!

WE CAN'T GO TO THE MOVIES.
- YEAH, AND THE FOURTH FEATURE

IS THE RETURN OF THE
BRIDE OF THE SON OF...

WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE MOVIES?

- THAT'S RIGHT. I
GOT TO GET BACK

AND WATCH THE STORE.

MOM AND DAD ARE
GOING OUT TONIGHT.

- LIKE, OUT TONIGHT?

- TO DINNER AND THEN TO
A SHOW AND THEN DANCING

AND IT'S ALL ON ACCOUNT

OF THE THINGS DAD
LEARNED FROM THIS BOOK.

- NO MONSTER THAT
DEVOURED CLEVELAND?

- NO.
- NO SON OF THE MONSTER

THAT DEVOURED CLEVELAND? - NO.

- NO BRIDE OF...
- MAYNARD, NO!

- DOB?
- YEAH?

- LIKE I ALWAYS SAID, BOOKS
CAUSE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

- BUT TROUBLE I KNOW
MAYNARD, I KNOW.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪