The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 11 - Parlez-Vous English? - full transcript

- NO, NO, NO, NO, JACK. IT
IS WITHOUT USE TO ARGUE.

I'M LOOKING FOR
A MAN, NOT A BOY,

A MAN WHO IS WILLFUL
AND VITAL AND STRONG.

- THAT WAS YVETTE.

KIND OF A SPOOKY GIRL,
HUH, AND WAY OFF THE BEAM.

I MEAN, THE KIND OF ROUGH,
TOUGH, ROCK-HEADED MAN

SHE'S TALKING ABOUT JUST
DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE

EXCEPT IN HORROR MOVIES.

- FOR 23 YEARS, I'VE BEEN
AN INDEPENDENT GROCER,

AND FOR 23 YEARS,

THOSE CRUMB BUMS
HAVE BEEN ROBBING ME.



THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO
TREAT LOWLIFES LIKE THAT.

KICK THEM OUT IN THE STREET,

ROUGH THEM UP,
KNOCK A FEW TEETH OUT!

- THAT WAS MY FATHER

A SIMPLE, GENTLE,
HOME-LOVING, OUTSPOKEN MAN.

NOW WHAT'S HE GOT TO DO WITH
THAT FRENCH CREPE SUZETTE?

GOOD QUESTION, AND IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR A GOOD ANSWER...

- I MYSELF PREFER THE
MAN WHO TREATS ME ROUGH,

WHO YELL AT ME OR TREATS ME

LIKE THE BEAST OF THE
JUNGLE TREAT HIS MATE.

- WINNIE, I AM TELLING YOU THAT
THIS IS A DOG EAT DOG WORLD.

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO
GET AHEAD ARE PEOPLE

WHO ACT LIKE TIGERS! ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING] [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]



♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- SEE THIS BOOK?

IT'S CALLED "HOW TO HYPNOTIZE
YOUR FRIENDS FOR FUN AND PROFIT"

AND IT'S REALLY INTERESTING.

IT'S ALSO PART OF THE REASON
MY FATHER GOT FOULED UP

WITH THIS FEMALE
MAURICE CHEVALIER.

YOU WOULDN'T THINK
PAPER AND A LITTLE INK

COULD BLOW UP SUCH A HURRICANE.

- DOBIE, YOU ARE NOT DEVELOPING.
YOU ARE NOT USING YOUR MIND.

YOU ARE NOT FULFILLING
YOUR PROMISE.

YOU ARE NOT BEING
TRUE TO YOURSELF.

- MOM, I WAS JUST
PLAYING A LITTLE MUSIC.

- FINE, YOU WANT TO PLAY MUSIC,

YOU PLAY GOOD MUSIC.
- LIKE MADRIGALS?

- LIKE MADRIGALS, LIKE FUGUES,
LIKE ETUDES, LIKE NOCTURNES.

- FUGUES, ETUDES, NOCTURNES?

- YOU SEE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THEY MEAN.
- GOOD THINKING.

- MAYBE IF YOU'D READ
A BOOK OCCASIONALLY,

YOU'D LEARN A FEW WORDS.

WHEN'S THE LAST
TIME YOU READ A BOOK?

- IT JUST SO HAPPENS I
READ A BOOK LAST NIGHT.

- OH? WHAT WAS THAT?
- OH, JUST A BOOK.

- WHAT THE TITLE, DOBIE?

- "HOW TO HYPNOTIZE
YOUR FRIENDS."

- WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU

GET A RIDICULOUS
PIECE OF JUNK LIKE THAT?

- DAD GAVE IT TO ME.

- IT HAPPENS TO BE A VERY
INTERESTING BOOK, WINNIE.

ONE OF THE GUYS DOWN
AT THE LODGE GAVE IT TO ME.

- OH, I SEE. YOU GOT IT FROM ONE
OF YOUR LEARNED COLLEAGUES

AT THE LODGE. WHICH ONE?

THE ONE THAT COLLECTS
OLD LICENSE PLATES

OR THE ONE WHO SPENDS
THE SUMMER VACATION

TRYING TO BEAT THE
FLAGPOLE SITTING RECORD?

- NOW JUST A DARN MINUTE.
THOSE ARE GREAT GUYS,

AND EVERY MAN JACK
OF THEM IS A VETERAN.

- OH, HERBERT, I KNOW
THEY ARE GREAT GUYS.

- YEAH, THEY'RE MY KIND OF GUYS.

AFTER ALL, I AIN'T NO
ALBERT EINSTEIN, YOU KNOW.

- YOU SURE AIN'T, DAD.
- YOU BUTT OUT.

- HERBERT, I KNOW YOU
ARE NOT ALBERT EINSTEIN.

- AND YOU, BY THE WAY,

DON'T HAPPEN TO BE
MADAME CURIE, EITHER.

- THAT'S RIGHT. YOU ARE
NOT PROFESSOR EINSTEIN,

AND I AM NOT MADAME CURIE,

BUT JUST BECAUSE WE ARE A
COUPLE OF DULL, ORDINARY PEOPLE,

DOES THAT MEAN THAT
DOBIE HAS TO BE, TOO?

- OH, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
DULL AND ORDINARY, MOM,

OR YOU, EITHER, DAD.
- THANKS, BOY.

- WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE
DULL AND ORDINARY,

BUT YOU'RE MY PARENTS
WHO GAVE ME BIRTH

AND WALKED THE FLOOR
WITH ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE

AND FED ME AND CLOTHED ME
AND RAISED ME TO MANHOOD,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO
TURN MY BACK ON YOU

NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.

- YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, SON.
- THANKS, DAD.

- HE IS NOT ALL RIGHT.
HE'S STAGNATING.

HIS MIND IS SHRIVELING
UP LIKE A PRUNE.

LOOK WHAT HE READS. "HOW
TO HYPNOTIZE YOUR FRIENDS."

WHY DON'T YOU READ
SHAKESPEARE, DICKENS, SHELLEY?

- WHAT FOR? SCHOOL'S
OUT THIS WEEK.

- HERBERT, YOU SEE,

TO OUR SON,
LITERATURE IS A CHORE,

NOT A BEAUTIFUL,
REWARDING EXPERIENCE.

THE BOY HAS NO APPRECIATION
AT ALL FOR CULTURE.

- MOM, MAYBE I DON'T HAVE
ANY APPRECIATION FOR CULTURE,

BUT MY POSTURE'S GOOD,

AND I'VE GOT A LOT OF
FRIENDS, AND I'M HAPPY,

AND THAT'S THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING,

ISN'T IT?
- YES, DOBIE.

THAT'S A VERY IMPORTANT THING,

BUT IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT
TO ENRICH YOUR MIND

AND EXALT YOUR SOUL,

AND WE ARE NOT GOING
TO DELAY ANOTHER MINUTE.

GET YOUR COAT. YOU
ARE COMING WITH ME.

- I AM?
- YOU CERTAINLY ARE.

I WAS ON MY WAY TO MY CLUB,

BUT I REMEMBER
READING IN THE PAPER

THAT THERE'S A TOURING
EXHIBIT OF LE BLANC

AT THE COUNTY MUSEUM, AND I HAVE
JUST DECIDED THAT WE ARE GOING.

- OH, WELL, GEE, MOM,

THERE'S NOTHING IN
THE WORLD I'D RATHER DO,

BUT I GOT SOME PLANS
FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

- WHAT PLANS?

- WELL, YOU SEE, MAYNARD AND
I FIGURED WE'D GO DOWNTOWN

AND WATCH THIS FELLA TOSS
FLAPJACKS IN THE WINDOW OF...

- OH, HE'S GREAT, ISN'T HE?

- HERBERT, TELL THE BOY
THAT HE IS COMING WITH ME

TO THE TOURING LE BLANC EXHIBIT.

- RIGHT, SON. YOU ARE
GOING WITH YOUR MOTHER,

AND I DON'T WANT TO PRY,

BUT WHAT IS A TOURING
LE BLANC EXHIBIT?

- YEAH.
- LE BLANC JUST HAPPENS TO BE

ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT
FRENCH PAINTERS, THAT'S ALL,

AND HE IS TOURING THE COUNTRY

WITH A COLLECTION
OF HIS PAINTINGS.

- OH, NO, YOU DON'T. WE
HAVE RAISED THIS BOY UP

TO BE A FINE, DECENT,
UPSTANDING, ALL-AMERICAN BOY,

AND HE ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE
TO LOOK AT ANY FRENCH PICTURES.

- THANKS, DAD.
- I AM SHOCKED.

DO YOU WANT HIM TO
GO ON THE WAY HE IS?

IGNORANT, DULL,
STUPID, WISHY-WASHY,

SLACK, UNINFORMED?

- YOU RANG?

- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY,

LIKE, HI, MRS.
G., LIKE, HI, MR. G.

- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.

- IT'S ONLY YOU,
MAYNARD. IT'S ONLY YOU.

THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY
SAYS WHEN I COME IN.

IT'S ONLY YOU, IT'S ONLY YOU.

- MAYNARD, I DIDN'T
MEAN IT THAT WAY.

- SURE, NOBODY MEANS NOTHING.

ALL THEY DO IS
TREAT ME LIKE DIRT.

IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.

DO THEY EVER SAY
HOW ARE YOU, MAYNARD?

DO THEY EVER SAY
WELCOME, MAYNARD?

DO THEY EVER SAY GLAD
TO SEE YOU, MAYNARD?

NO, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.

THAT'S ALL THEY EVER SAY.

WELL, I'D RATHER HAVE
SOMEONE SAY GET OUT, MAYNARD.

- GET OUT, MAYNARD.

- YOU'RE JOSHING,
AIN'T YOU, MRS. G.?

- NO, DEAR, I MEAN IT.

MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
I'M VERY FOND OF YOU.

YOU'VE NEVER HEARD ME
SAY IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, TRUE.
- BUT, DEAR,

WE ARE HAVING A LITTLE
PRIVATE FAMILY DISCUSSION,

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T
MIND JUST GETTING OUT.

- ALL THE WAY OUT?
- ALL THE WAY OUT.

- WHAT'LL I, LIKE, DO OUT THERE?

- WELL, YOU COULD EAT A BANANA.
- HMM.

- YOU LIKE BANANAS?
- LIKE, YEAH.

WILL I HAVE TO WAIT, LIKE, LONG?
- JUST A FEW MINUTES.

- OH, WELL, I EAT, LIKE,
AWFUL FAST, MRS. G.

- THESE WILL HOLD YOU, MAYNARD.
- THANKS, MRS. G.

- LIKE, GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, COOL.

- THAT WASN'T VERY KIND, MOM.

I MEAN, MAYNARD'S GOT FEELINGS

LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
- I KNOW IT, DEAR,

AND I DIDN'T ENJOY
PUSHING HIM OUT OF HERE.

MAYNARD IS A DEAR,
SWEET, WELL-MEANING BOY,

AND I KNOW THAT YOU COULDN'T
FIND A MORE LOYAL FRIEND.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
HE STICKS WITH ME

THROUGH THICK AND THIN.
ANYWHERE I GO, HE GOES.

- WHICH IS PRECISELY
THE TROUBLE.

DEAR, I KNOW HOW CLOSE
YOU AND MAYNARD ARE,

BUT WOULDN'T IT BE NICE

IF YOU SAW SOMEBODY
ELSE FOR A LITTLE WHILE,

SOMEBODY A LITTLE
MORE CULTURED, PERHAPS?

- YOU WANT ME TO
DUMP MAYNARD? NEVER!

AS LONG AS THERE'S
BREATH IN MY BODY,

MAYNARD'S GOT A FRIEND.

- YAY, GOOD BUDDY,
YAY, GOOD BUDDY.

- GOOD HEAVENS, HE HEARD.
- OH, NO, MOM.

HE READS LIPS.
- HE READS LIPS?

- YEAH, HE SENT FOR THIS COURSE.

THERE WAS A COUPON IN
BACK OF A COMIC BOOK, SEE,

AND HE SENT IT AWAY
AND GOT THIS COURSE,

AND HE LEARNED
IT ALL BY HIMSELF,

SO IT JUST ISN'T FAIR TO GO
AROUND SAYING MY FRIEND,

MAYNARD, ISN'T CULTURED.
COME ON, MAYNARD.

ON THE WAY TO THE FLAPJACKS,

WE CAN STOP OFF
AT THE GAS STATION

AND WATCH THEM WASH CARS.

- OH, DEAR. I DIDN'T
MEAN TO UPSET DOBIE.

I DON'T WANT HIM
TO GIVE UP MAYNARD.

I ONLY WANT HIM TO
FIND SOME FRIENDS

WHO ARE INTERESTED IN
LITERATURE, ART AND MUSIC.

- WHAT WOULD PEOPLE LIKE
THAT BE WANTING WITH DOBIE?

- SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW, DOBIE
HAS GOT TO FIND A CULTURED FRIEND.

HE'S GOT TO. THAT'S
ALL. HE'S JUST GOT TO.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO THE LE BLANC EXHIBIT.

AT LEAST ONE
MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY

IS GOING TO SOP UP SOME CULTURE,

AND I SHALL TRY TO
PASS IT ON TO YOUR SON.

- WELL, HAVE FUN.

- HERBERT, I HAVE
A WONDERFUL IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME?

HERBERT!

- MADAME.
- OH.

- DID YOU LIKE THE PAINTING?

- WHY, YES, INDEED.
YES. IT'S MAGNIFICENT.

- OF COURSE, THE
ARTIST IS A GENIUS.

- OH, YES, IT'S SO, SO, SO...

- JE NE SAIS QUOI.

- YOU TOOK THE WORDS
RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

- BUT WE HAVE OTHER
MASTERPIECES OVER HERE.

AND ALSO, MAY I PRESENT
MYSELF? I'M ARISTEDE LE BLANC.

- NOT THE PAINTER.
- YES, MOI.

- GOODNESS, THIS IS AN HONOR.

- I WOULD SAY.
- OOH!

- MAY I ASK YOUR
NAME, GRACIOUS LADY?

- OH, MRS. HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- OH, LOVELY, LOVELY.

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- YOU SPEAK FRENCH?

- WELL, I TOOK A
BIT IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- YES, ISN'T IT?

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- PERHAPS WE HAD BETTER
STICK TO ENGLISH, SEÑOR?

- SEÑOR?
- I MEAN,

IT'S SO LONG SINCE I
WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- WELL, IT COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN SO LONG,

A LADY AS YOUNG AS YOURSELF.

- OH, SEÑOR, YOU ARE ENCHANTÉ.

- POSSIBLY.

- WELL, IT CERTAINLY
IS A PLEASURE TO MAKE

YOUR ACQUAINTANCE, SEÑOR.

TELL ME, ARE YOU ENJOYING
YOUR VISIT TO OUR COUNTRY?

- ONE DOES WHAT ONE CAN
TO IMPROVE ONE'S RELATIONS

WITH ONE'S ALLIES, N'EST PAS.

- OH, YES, PAS, AND HOW
LONG ARE YOU GOING TO SAY?

- OH, TWO, THREE
MONTHS, PERHAPS.

- IS THAT ALL?

- WELL, ONE HAS TO RETURN
ONE'S DAUGHTER TO THE SCHOOL.

- OH, YOU HAVE YOUR
LITTLE GIRL HERE.

- NOT SO LITTLE.
SHE HAS 17 YEARS.

- YOU HAVE A
DAUGHTER 17 YEARS OLD?

- YES, AND A WIFE ALEC 45.

- YOUR DAUGHTER,

WOULD YOU SAY SHE
WAS A CULTURED GIRL?

- BUT OF COURSE. IS
SHE NOT MY DAUGHTER?

- SENOR, I BET I KNOW WHAT
YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WOULD LIKE.

- AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

A NICE SIMPLE HOME-COOKED
AMERICAN MEAL.

- SACRÉ BLEU!
- OH, I THOUGHT SO!

WELL, WE'RE RIGHT
AROUND THE CORNER.

WE'LL EXPECT YOU.
GILLIS' GROCERY,

WE LIVE UPSTAIRS.
- NO, NO, MADAME.

- OH, NONSENSE, YOU KNOW
YOU LOVE IT. NOW YOU BE THERE.

- WHAT CAN ONE SAY?
- SPLENDID!

WE EAT AT 5:30.
- MM-HM. LUNCH.

- DINNER.
- MM-HM. [SPEAKS FRENCH].

- AND OF COURSE YOU'LL
BRING YOUR DAUGHTER.

I PROMISE YOU, SHE
WON'T BE BORED.

I HAVE A SON HER AGE, DOBIE.

- DOPEY?

- DOBIE WITH A "B," A
FINE BOY, SO INTELLIGENT,

SO SENSITIVE, SO CULTURED.

- THAT'S IT, GOOD BUDDY.
KEEP THE LIPS NICE AND LOOSE.

YOU'RE DOING FINE, DOBE.

LET'S TRY ONE, HUH?
- OKAY, MAYNARD.

- AND I APPRECIATE THIS,

YOU TAKING ALL THIS TIME TO
HELP ME PRACTICE LIP READING.

- AH, FORGET IT, MAYNARD.
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

- AH, YOU'RE 100%, DOBE.
NOW YOU GO OVER THERE

WHERE I CAN'T HEAR YOU
AND TALK NICE AND SLOW

BUT NOT LOUD ENOUGH
FOR ME TO HEAR. OKAY?

- OKAY, MAYNARD.
- YEAH.

- OKAY, DOBE. I'M READY.
- HERE GOES.

I THINK THAT I SHALL NEVER SEE

A POEM AS LOVELY AS A TREE.

- A PENNY SAVED
IS A PENNY EARNED.

RIGHT, DOBE?
- NO, MAYNARD.

- SURE, I KNEW IT.
TRY ANOTHER ONE.

- SHOOT IF YOU MUST
THIS OLD GRAY HEAD,

BUT SPARE MY
COUNTRY'S FLAG, SHE SAID.

- THE QUICK BROWN FOX
JUMPED OVER THE LAZY DOG.

GREAT, HUH?
- MAYNARD.

- THEY'RE TOO EASY THIS WAY.

WATCH ME DO THE
NEXT ONE THE HARD WAY.

GO AHEAD, DOBE. I'M READY.

- MAYNARD, I HATE TO SAY THIS,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO READ LIPS.

- THE BOY STOOD ON THE BURNING
DECK EATING PEANUTS BY THE PECK.

WONDERFUL, HUH, DOBE?

- THAT'S WHAT IT WAS,
MAYNARD, WONDERFUL.

- YEAH, AND SOME PEOPLE SAY
I GOT NO TALENT. HOW COME?

- JEALOUSY, MAYNARD,
PURE JEALOUSY.

- YEAH.

- COULDN'T YOU FIND SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE CONSERVATIVE?

- FOR YOUR
INFORMATION, MRS. GILLIS,

THIS HAPPENS TO BE
A HAND-PAINTED TIE,

AND HE IS A HAND
PAINTER, AIN'T HE?

- HI, MOM.
- OH, YOU LOOK LOVELY, DEAR.

- THANKS. MOM, I GOTTA CUT
AND RUN RIGHT AFTER DINNER.

MAYNARD'S WAITING FOR
ME DOWN ON RIVER STREET.

THEY'RE BRINGING A WHOLE
SLEW OF STEAM SHOVELS OVER

TO START EXCAVATING
THE FOUNDATION

FOR THE NEW CITY DUMP.
- THE NEW CITY DUMP

WILL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

- YOU WILL STAY HERE

AND BE POLITE TO
OUR CULTURED GUESTS,

SEÑOR LE BLANC AND
HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER.

- HIS DAUGHTER? HOW OLD IS SHE?

- ABOUT YOUR AGE.

- HEY, A FRENCH
GIRL ABOUT MY AGE.

OH, BOY. HEY, MOM,
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

I...

NO OFFENSE, MOM, BUT THIS GIRL,

SHE WOULDN'T BE
STUFFED WITH CULTURE

AND EDUCATION AND ALL
LIKE THAT, WOULD SHE?

- IT'S POSSIBLE.
- MOM, ADMIT IT.

YOU'RE TRYING TO
CLOBBER ME WITH CULTURE.

- ALL RIGHT. IT'S TRUE.
I'M NOT ASHAMED OF IT.

IF YOU WON'T MAKE ANY
EFFORT TO IMPROVE YOURSELF,

THEN IT'S YOUR MOTHER'S DUTY.
- DON'T FIGHT HER, BOY.

WHEN SHE GETS LIKE THIS,

YOU CAN'T STOP HER
WITHOUT YOU USE A GUN.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- A VERY LARGE GUN.
GET THE APPETIZERS.

- YOU THINK SHE'S STUBBORN,
YOU SHOULD'VE MET HER FATHER.

WE USED TO CALL
HIM OLD GRANITE HEAD.

- OH, SEÑOR, WELCOME TO MY HOME.

- MAY I HAVE THE HONOR
TO PRESENT MY WIFE

AND MY DAUGHTER, YVETTE.
- ENCHANTÉ, ENCHANTÉ,

AND ENCHANTÉ TO
SEE YOU AGAIN, SEÑOR.

AND MAY I PRESENT MY HUSBAND,

HERBERT T.
- HOW DO YOU DO?

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- OH, LIKEWISE, I'M SURE.

- NO, NO, MY WIFE, SHE
DOESN'T SPEAK THE ENGLISH.

- WHAT'D SHE SAY?
- WHEN DO WE EAT?

- AH, THATTA GIRL, FRENCHY.

WINNIE, WHY DON'T WE
SIT DOWN AND DIG IN?

MY BEL... STOMACH'S GROWLING
LIKE A CAGE FULL OF LIONS.

- HERBERT!
- WELL, IT'S YOUR FAULT.

YOUR COOKING ALWAYS
MAKES ME HUNGRY.

- PLEASE, HERBERT!
- OH, SHE'S THE BEST LITTLE COOK

AND THE MOST ATTRACTIVE
WOMAN IN THIS PART OF TOWN.

RARR!
- HERBERT...

- WELL, DINNER WILL BE
SERVÉ IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS.

MEANWHILE, I HAVE PREPARED
SOME DELICIOUS HORS D'OEUVRES.

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

MY WIFE, SHE HAS
A GREAT APPETITE.

- WELL, DON'T LET HER
WORRY YOU, BUSTER.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH A HEALTHY WOMAN,

AND YOUR WIFE IS ONE OF
THE HEALTHIEST I'VE SEEN.

- THIS IS MY SON, DOBIE.

- ALLO, ALLO, OH, ALLO.

- MOM?

- MOM.
- WELL, DEAR,

GIVE MADAME SOME APPETIZERS.
- OH, YEAH.

- BY THE WAY, I UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU'RE A PAINTER.
- MM-HM.

- WELL, THAT'S
QUITE A COINCIDENCE.

MY FATHER WAS A PAINTER, TOO.
- OH?

- AND A PAPER HANGER.

WELL, SHALL WE SIT DOWN?

- OH, NO, YVETTE. DON'T YOU
WANT TO SIT NEXT TO DOBIE?

- NOT UNBEARABLY.

- WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES
IT MAKE WHERE THEY SIT?

THESE THINGS ARE
ALL THE SAME SIZE.

- TELL ME, YVETTE,

ARE YOU HAVING A NICE
TIME IN OUR COUNTRY?

- NOT UNBEARABLY.

- YVETTE, THAT'S A
VERY STRANGE NAME.

HOW DO YOU SPELL IT?

- Y-V-E-T-T-E.

- THAT'S YVETTE.

- THAT IS YVETTE, YOU
SPECIES OF A GOAT.

- SHE HAS HIGH
SPIRITS, THE LITTLE ONE.

- YES, I CAN SEE THAT. DOBIE,
DEAR, PASS THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

- OH, HERE, MOM. UH-HUH.
- WELL, TELL ME, YVETTE,

ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD
TO GOING BACK TO SCHOOL?

- HA! THE SCHOOL
IS FOR THE CHILDREN.

- YOU DON'T LIKE SCHOOL?
- IT IS THE WASTE OF TIME.

- WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF
YOU DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL?

- ONE THINKS, ONE
EVOLVES THE PHILOSOPHY,

AND THEN ONE WRITES.
- REALLY? YOU WRITE?

HOW MARVELOUS.

- SHE'S HAD THREE POEMS

PUBLISHED IN THE
"DESPAIR QUARTERLY."

- MY SECOND TRIUMPH OF A
NOVEL IS TO APPEAR NEXT MONTH.

IT IS ENTITLED "LOVE
IS A BROKEN GAS MAIN."

- AND YOU'RE ONLY 17.

- IF ONE DOESN'T HAVE
IT BY THE TIME ONE IS 17,

THEN THERE CAN BE
LITTLE HOPE, CAN THERE?

- YVETTE, WHY
DON'T YOU AND DOBIE

GO FOR A WALK AFTER DINNER?

HE'S TERRIBLY
INTERESTED IN LITERATURE.

- THIS DOBIE?
- ME?

- I WISH YOU WOULD. YOU
COULD HAVE A NICE TALK

ABOUT LITERATURE AND BOOKS
AND PLAYS AND EVERYTHING.

- OH, I THINK NOT, THANK YOU.
- NO.

- OH, YOU'D LOVE IT, DEAR.

YOU AND DOBIE HAVE
SO MUCH IN COMMON.

- OH, SOME OTHER TIME.
- SOME OTHER TIME, YES.

- I WISH YOU WOULD.
- I WISH YOU WOULD

BECAUSE IF YOU KEEP
ARGUING, SHE'LL KEEP ARGUING,

AND WE'LL NEVER GET TO EAT.

- OH, VERY WELL.
- SPLENDID!

GOODNESS, DINNER
MUST BE ABOUT READY.

NOW IF EVERYBODY
WILL SIT RIGHT DOWN,

I WILL BRING THE POT ROAST.

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

- OH, LE POT ROAST.

- LOOK HERE, YVETTE.

BACK HOME, THEY'RE
GETTING DESSERT.

ALL I'M GETTING IS SORE FEET.

NOW WE WALKED ABOUT 60 MILES,
AND YOU HAVEN'T SAID ONE WORD.

NOW IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO
TALK, WE COULD AT LEAST SIT.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING
TO TALK ABOUT, CAN YOU?

[SIGHS]
- LET US TRY LITERATURE.

YOU ARE, I UNDERSTAND,
INTERESTED IN THE LITERATURE.

- NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN THE LITERATURE.

I'M INTERESTED IN THE BASEBALL

AND THE CANOEING
AND THE TOBOGGANING

AND THE STEAK AND
THE MASHED POTATOES

AND IN THE GIRLS BUT
NOT IN THE LITERATURE.

- I HAVE THE BOREDOM.
- ME, TOO.

I HAVE THE BOREDOM
WITH EAR LAPS.

LET'S GO HOME.
- WAIT A MOMENT.

FIRST, TELL ME
ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

- WHAT ABOUT HIM?
- WAS HE ALWAYS SUCH AN ANIMAL?

- OH, NOW, JUST A MINUTE,
JUST A DARN MINUTE!

MY FATHER'S A
TAXPAYER AND A VETERAN.

- HE'S SO WILD, SO
UNTAMED, SO SAVAGE.

- WITH A GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL,

AND I'LL THANK YOU TO KEEP
A CIVIL TONGUE IN YOUR HEAD.

BOY, YOU'RE AN ODD ONE.

YOU BUG ME.

I MEAN, YOU JUST
DON'T MAKE SENSE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT WRITING,

AND YOU'RE ALL THE TIME SO
WORRIED AND MAD AND LIKE THAT?

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR CHUCKLES?

- CHUCKLES ARE FOR THE CHILDREN.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, AN OLD WOMAN?

- IT IS NOT THE YEARS
THAT MAKE THE AGE.

IT IS THE SUFFERING.

- HAVE YOU BEEN
SICK OR SOMETHING?

- THE WHOLE WORLD IS SICK.

- NOT ME. I FEEL GREAT.

- THAT IS THE SICKEST OF ALL.

- LISTEN, YVETTE.

I CAN'T PAINT OR
WRITE OR COMPOSE,

BUT JUST THE SAME, I KNOW A
HECK OF A LOT MORE THAN YOU DO.

I KNOW THAT THE
WORLD'S NOT SICK.

IT'S FULL OF WONDERFUL
THINGS LIKE FRIENDSHIP

AND FRESH AIR AND WATER
SPORTS AND LOVE AND...

- LOVE, YOU SPECIES
OF A MUSKRAT,

WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF LOVE?

- WELL, I KNOW IT'S WONDERFUL.

- OH, SACRÉ BLEU, BUT
YOU ARE AN IMBECILE.

LOVE IS NOT WONDERFUL.
IT IS MISERABLE.

IT IS FULL OF AGONY
AND REMORSE AND HATE!

- LOVE IS FULL OF HATE?

BOY, ARE YOU KOOKY.

- OH, KINDLY DEFEND
FROM SPEAKING TO ME

AND TAKE ME HOME
AS RAPIDLY AS POSSIBLE

FOR I WISH NEVER TO REGARD
THE STUPID FACE OF YOU AGAIN.

- THAT SUITS ME FINE, PAL!

- I HAD THE LONGEST
CONSECUTIVE...

- OOH, HELLO, CHILDREN!
- WELL.

- WELL, TIME TO GO.

AU REVOIR, MADAME, MONSIEUR.

- WELL, YVETTE, DID
YOU ENJOY YOUR WALK?

- OH, YES, MADAME,
IT WAS ENCHANTING.

MAY I COME TOMORROW

AND WALK WITH DOBIE AGAIN?
- HUH?

- WHY, OF COURSE
YOU CAN, MY DEAR.

COME EVERY DAY.

MAKE THIS YOUR HOME
AWAY FROM HOME.

- OH, THANK YOU, I WILL.
YOU'RE VERY KIND, MADAME.

- COME EARLY AND STAY LATE.
- THANK YOU.

- MAMA, PAPA, MAY
WE SAY GOOD NIGHT?

I WISH TO BE HERE

EARLY TOMORROW.
- AT LAST.

- BONSOIR, MONSIEUR.
BONSOIR, MADAME.

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]

- GOOD NIGHT, MADAME.
- GOOD NIGHT, YVETTE.

- GOOD NIGHT, CHER DOBIE.
- CHER DOBIE?

- GOOD NIGHT, GOOD NIGHT. OH,
ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS, DOBIE?

SHE LIKES YOU.
- CONGRATULATIONS, BOY,

BUT COULD YOU ARRANGE TO
MEET HER SOME PLACE ELSE?

THIS GIRL GIVES ME THE CREEPS,
LOVE IS A BROKEN GAS MAIN?

- OH, NONSENSE! SHE'S
A DELIGHTFUL GIRL,

AND I THINK IT'S JUST MARVELOUS
THAT SHE'S SO FOND OF DOBIE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING? SHE
HATES ME LIKE POISON.

- OH, IS THAT SO, SMARTIE?

THEN WHY IS SHE
COMING HERE TOMORROW

AND THE DAY AFTER THAT
AND THE DAY AFTER THAT?

- IT BUGS ME, IT REALLY DOES.

- ME, TOO, GOOD BUDDY.
- I JUST CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

- THE WAY THIS LITTLE FRENCH
CHICK SHOWS UP EVERY DAY?

- YEAH, TWO WEEKS NOW, SHE
HASN'T MISSED A SINGLE DAY.

SHE GETS THERE IN THE MORNING,

AND SHE HANGS AROUND
ALL SMILES AND SUNSHINE

UNTIL MOM MAKES ME
TAKE HER OUT FOR A WALK.

THEN AS SOON AS WE'RE ALONE,

SHE EITHER WON'T TALK TO ME
OR ELSE SHE CUSSES ME IN FRENCH.

IN FACT, SOMETIMES SHE KICKS ME.
- WEIRD.

- BUT THE WEIRDEST PART
OF ALL IS IF SHE HATES ME SO,

WHY DOES SHE KEEP
COMING BACK EVERY DAY?

- HEY, DOBE, I
GOT, LIKE, AN IDEA.

- WHAT?
- I'LL SNEAK OVER TO HER HOUSE

AND PEEK IN ONE OF THE WINDOWS

AND FIND OUT WHAT SHE'S UP TO.
- YEAH.

- YOU KNOW HOW GOOD I READ LIPS.

- YEAH, MAYNARD, I KNOW.

- WHERE DOES SHE
LIVE? I'LL GO RIGHT NOW.

- NO, MAYNARD.
THANK YOU, BUT NO.

- HOW COME?
- WELL,

IT'S LIKE EAVESDROPPING,

AND WHEN SOMEBODY'S GOT A
GREAT POWER LIKE YOU HAVE,

THEY SHOULD USE
IT ONLY FOR GOOD.

NOW, LISTEN, MAYNARD,
THERE IS SOMETHING...

- YEAH, YOU'RE
RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY.

I OUGHT TO USE THIS GREAT
POWER FOR MY COUNTRY.

- YEAH.
- THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

- YEAH.
- OR THE ARMY OR THE NAVY

OR THE FBI OR THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

- MAYNARD.
- HEY, I COULD BE, LIKE, A SPY.

- A SPY?
- YEAH, YEAH.

I COULD GO IN ONE
OF THEM SUBMARINES

AND PEEK THROUGH A PORTHOLE.
- SUB?

- AND READ THE LIPS
OF THE RUSSIANS...

- PEEK THROUGH A PORTHOLE?
- IN THE NEXT SUBMARINE,

AND FIND OUT WHAT EVIL
GOINGS-ON ARE GOING ON.

- YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, NOW...
- I'D HAVE TO LEARN RUSSIAN,

AND IT'S PROBABLY TOUGH

TO READ LIPS UNDERWATER.
- YEAH.

- ALL THEM BUBBLES.
- BUBBLES.

- BUT IT'S WORTH
IT FOR MY COUNTRY.

- SURE.
- THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

- MAYNARD.
- I CAN ZOOM AROUND

IN A SATELLITE, READING
LIPS AND SECRETS

ALL OVER THE KINGDOM COME.

I MEAN, I COULD SEE ROBBERS

PLANNING ROBBERIES AND
MURDERERS PLANNING MURDERS

- MAYNARD.
- AND THIEVES PLANNING...

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH, ENOUGH!

- YOU SURE GOT IT
UP HERE, GOOD BUDDY.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.

IT'S HEART-WARMING TO
KNOW I'M APPRECIATED.

NOW, LISTEN, THERE'S
SOMETHING YOU

CAN DO FOR ME.
- LIKE, NAME IT.

- LET ME STAY AT YOUR HOUSE
TONIGHT, SO WHEN THIS YVETTE

COMES DRAGGING AROUND
TOMORROW MORNING,

SHE WON'T FIND ME HOME,

AND SHE'LL MAYBE GET DISCOURAGED
AND GIVE UP THE WHOLE THING.

- SURE, DOBE. YOU
CAN HAVE MY BED.

- YOUR BED? THERE'S
ANOTHER BED IN YOUR ROOM.

- THERE IS?
- YEAH,

UNDERNEATH ALL THOSE RECORDS.

- OH, YEAH. GOOD THINKING.
- GOOD THINKING, YEAH.

- OH, HI, YVETTE.

- OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. GILLIS.

- DOBIE AIN'T HERE. HE SPENT
THE NIGHT OVER AT MAYNARD'S.

- OH, GOOD. AND MADAME GILLIS?

- SHE AIN'T HERE, EITHER. SHE
WENT OVER TO DRAG DOBIE HOME

BEFORE SOME OF MAYNARD
RUBBED OFF ON HIM.

- OH, WE ARE
ALONE. I MUST SPEAK.

- HMM, GO RIGHT AHEAD
AND PARLEZ VOUS.

HOW'S THAT FOR
CLASSY FRENCH, HUH?

- CERTAIN THINGS THAT
HAPPEN BETWEEN PEOPLE,

NOBODY CAN EXPLAIN THEM.

- YEAH, LIKE THAT
SCIENCE FICTION JAZZ

ON TELEVISION.

- PLEASE TO LISTEN. I
CAN LONGER STAY SILENT.

- YES, YOU CAN. YOU'RE
JUST NOT TRYING, THAT'S ALL.

- OH, HERBERT, HEAR
ME, MY HERBERT.

- YOUR HERBERT? NOW HOLD ON!

- OH, YOU GREAT FOOL,
WHY DO YOU THINK

I HAVE BEEN COMING
AROUND HERE DAY AFTER DAY?

DID YOU IMAGINE IT WAS
FOR THIS CALLOW YOUTH,

DOBIE? OH, NO. IT WAS
FOR YOU, MY SAVAGE,

FOR YOU, FOR YOU, FOR YOU!

- FOR ME, FOR ME,
FOR ME! WINNIE!

- BUT SHE'S GONE, HERBERT.

- AND YOU'RE GOING, TOO,
RIGHT OUT THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW,

AND DON'T COME BACK!

- HOW HE SHOUTS, HOW
HE STAMPS, HOW HE ROARS.

OH, HERBERT, WHAT
AN ANIMAL YOU ARE.

- AND WHAT A NUT YOU
ARE! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

NOW YOU GET GOING!
- WHEN I LOOK AT YOU,

10,000 YEARS OF
CIVILIZATION DISAPPEAR, POOF!

AND THERE YOU STAND,
THE PRIMITIVE MAN,

MAN, THE MINDLESS BRUTE.

- I'LL HAVE YOU UNDERSTAND,

I'M A RESPECTABLE MARRIED
MAN AND A HUSBAND AND A FATHER

AND A BUSINESSMAN AND A VETERAN
WITH A GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.

- AH, THE MAGNIFICENT
MINDLESSNESS OF YOU,

THE SUBLIME CRUDITY.
AH, MY FEROCIOUS BEAST,

WE ARE READY TO FACE
THE WORLD TOGETHER.

- OKAY. YOU ARE READY
FOR THE FUNNY FARM,

THAT'S WHAT! WINNIE! WINNIE!

WILL YOU PLEASE GO HOME?
WINNIE! WINNIE! WINNIE!

WINNIE!
- HERBERT.

- WHAT IS IT, HERBERT?

- WINNIE! HANG ONTO
THAT LOONEY THERE.

I'M GOING TO GET HER
OLD MAN! WATCH OUT, BOYS!

- WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING?

- I WILL TELL YOU, MADAME.
I LOVE YOUR HUSBAND.

- WELL, OF COURSE
YOU DO, MY DEAR.

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD DOES.

DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERY YEAR,

HE PLAYS SANTA CLAUS
AT THE ORPHAN ASYLUM,

AND WHEN HE WALKS
DOWN THE STREET,

DOGS LICK HIS HANDS.

- I DO NOT LOVE HIM,
MADAME. I LOVE HIM.

- WHY, YVETTE. THAT'S
NOT A NICE WAY TO TALK.

- YOU MUST GIVE HIM UP, MADAME.

HE'S A SAVAGE, AND HE NEEDS ME!

- YOU LOVE MR. G.?

WHAT, ARE YOU SOME
KIND OF NUT OR SOMETHING?

- AHA! SO THAT'S WHY YOU'VE
BEEN HANGING AROUND.

- OH, DEAR!

- YVETTE, WHAT IS THIS
INFAMOUS THING I HEAR?

- IT IS TRUE.
HERBERT, I LOVE YOU,

AND IT IS A PERFECT LOVE,

ALL PAIN AND NO
PLEASURE, AND I WILL...

- YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

- YOU JUST THINK
I'M A TRIUMPH OF...

- GET HER OUT OF HERE!

- YVETTE, YOU WILL GO HOME
AT ONCE AND GO TO YOUR ROOM!

- I WILL GO TO MY ROOM.

FOR NOW I HAVE TASTED
THE DREGS OF FUTILITY.

NOW, AT LAST, I AM
READY TO WRITE.

FAREWELL, HERBERT,
MY GREAT TAWNY BEAST.

NO!

- WELL, THAT TURNED OUT
REAL GOOD, WINNIE-POO.

YOU GOT ANY MORE
HIGH-FALUTIN' FRIENDS

YOU WANT TO INTRODUCE DOBIE TO?

- YES, YES, I HAVE.

MAYNARD, DARLING, PROMISE ME
YOU WILL STAY WITH DOBIE ALWAYS.

PROMISE ME YOU
WILL NEVER LEAVE HIM.

- LIKE, SURE, MRS. G.
- AND FORGIVE ME

FOR EVER HAVING TRIED TO
TAKE DOBIE AWAY FROM YOU.

- LIKE, FORGET IT, MRS. G.

- MAYNARD, YOU ARE
A REAL HUMAN BEING.

- YOU'RE 100% WITH ME.
- YOU'RE MY KIND OF PEOPLE.

- YOU'RE ACES IN MY BOOK.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART.

- YOU'RE THE CATS PAJAMAS.
- YOU'RE THE COOLEST.

- WELL, THAT WAS
THE LAST TIME MOM

TRIED TO RAM CULTURE
DOWN MY THROAT.

AFTER WHAT HAPPENED,

SHE WAS CONVINCED THAT I
HAD TO DEVELOP AN INTEREST

IN GOOD MUSIC AND LITERATURE

AND POETRY AND LIKE
THAT ALL BY MYSELF,

AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT I DID.

"LISTEN, MY CHILDREN,
AND YOU SHALL HEAR

"OF THE MIDNIGHT
RIDE OF PAUL REVERE,

"ON THE 18TH OF APRIL IN '75,
HARDLY A MAN IS NOW ALIVE

WHO REMEMBERS THAT
FAMOUS DAY AND YEAR."

- I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
- UH-HUH.

- SEE IF I READ YOUR
LIPS RIGHT, HUH?

- YEAH. OKAY.
- IT LOOKED EXTREMELY ROCKY

FOR THE MUDVILLE NINE THAT DAY.
THE SCORE STOOD TWO TO FOUR

WITH BUT AN INNING LEFT TO PLAY.
- PERFECT, DAD. YEAH.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪