The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 1 - Who Needs Elvis? - full transcript

Aiming high to win the affections of Esme Lauterbach (a 6'2"-tall beauty), Dobie allows Zelda to compose his entry in Mr. Pomfritt's music class contest. Dobie performs the song "I'm a Lover, Not a Fighter" from Dwayne Hickman's 1960 Capitol LP.

[BAND MUSIC]

- NO, NO, NO!

FLUTE, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?

- ESME, DEAR?
- OH, GO AWAY.

- I WILL NOT GO AWAY.

WHY DO YOU THINK I
JOINED THIS SILLY BAND?

WHY DO YOU THINK I LEARNED
HOW TO PLAY THIS SILLY THING?

FOR ONLY ONE REASON,
ESME, ONLY ONE, FOR YOU.

- OH, NO, NOT AGAIN!

- YES, YES, YES, AGAIN
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!

AS LONG AS THERE'S
BREATH IN THIS BODY.



ESME, I LOVE YOU.

- WELL, IT IS RIDICULOUS!
- WHY?

WHY IS IT SO RIDICULOUS?

- YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHY.
- NO, I DON'T. TELL ME.

- I WON'T TELL
YOU. I'LL SHOW YOU.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- ALL RIGHT,

SO ESME'S A LITTLE
TALLER THAN I AM. I ADMIT IT.

BUT WHAT DOES IT MATTER?



I MEAN, WHAT'S A 10 OR
12-INCH DIFFERENCE IN HEIGHT

WHEN TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OUR
TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE?

HOW CAN THEY BEAT AS ONE
WHEN MINE IS WAY UP HERE

AND YOURS IS WAY DOWN THERE?

- OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE TALLER,
BUT HEIGHT DOESN'T COUNT.

WHAT COUNTS IS LOVE

AND THAT'S WHAT I'VE
GOT FOR YOU, ESME, LOVE.

I GOT LOVE I AIN'T
EVEN USED YET.

- THANKS A LOT,
SHORTY, BUT NO THANKS.

- LISTEN, ESME, YOU
ARE MY HEART AND SOUL.

WITHOUT YOU, I WILL
WANDER THE EARTH

A HULK, A DERELICT, A SHAMBLING,
UNKEMPT, PATHETIC FIGURE.

- YOU RANG?

- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
HOW I FEEL ABOUT ESME.

TELL HER HOW I LOVE HER,
HOW I ACHE AND QUAKE FOR HER,

HOW SHE PUTS THE
ROSES IN MY CHEEKS.

- BY ALL MEANS,
MAYNARD, TELL HER,

BUT TELL HER AFTER
CLASS, WON'T YOU?

RIGHT NOW, IF IT'S
NOT TOO INCONVENIENT,

I WOULD LIKE TO GET
ON WITH REHEARSAL.

FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS,

THE CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
BAND HAS FINISHED SECOND

IN THE CITY HIGH SCHOOL
BAND COMPETITION,

WHICH IS NOT AN ALTOGETHER
DISTINGUISHED RECORD

WHEN YOU CONSIDER THERE ARE
ONLY TWO HIGH SCHOOLS IN TOWN.

OF COURSE, IF YOU
KEEP PLAYING THE WAY

YOU'RE PLAYING TODAY,
YOU MAY FINISH THIRD.

SOUND YOUR "A", PLEASE.

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO
ENFORCE CONFORMITY

ON THE NEW GENERATION,

BUT IN THIS CASE, MY
YOUNG TIN-EARED FRIENDS,

I AM AFRAID THERE
IS ONLY ONE "A."

ZELDA, SHOW THEM.

THANK YOU, ZELDA.

YOU'RE TRULY A
REMARKABLE MUSICIAN.

- DID YOU HEAR THAT, DOBIE?

A REMARKABLE MUSICIAN,
A RAVING BEAUTY,

A GIANT INTELLECT
AND IT'S ALL YOURS.

- I APPRECIATE THAT,
ZELDA, HONEST I DO.

BUT, NO THANKS.

- WHY NOT? YOU LOVE ME.

- ZELDA, I LOVE CANOEING,
I LOVE TOBOGGANING,

I LOVE POPCORN
WITH MELTED BUTTER,

I LOVE BLAZERS
WITH BRASS BUTTONS,

I LOVE GREEN MEADOWS
AND YELLOW DAFFODILS,

I LOVE RIDING IN A SPEEDBOAT,
I LOVE THE CONSTITUTION.

BUT YOU, ZELDA? NO, ZELDA.

- SURE YOU DO. I'LL PROVE IT.

- ZELDA!
- I REST MY CASE.

- I KEEP TELLING YOU,
IT'S JUST A REFLEX.

- IF THIS LEARNED DISCOURSE
COULD CONTINUE AFTER REHEARSAL,

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT
GRATEFUL TO YOU, ZELDA.

YOU'VE BEEN AN
ENORMOUS HELP TO ME.

AND NOW, ZELDA, IF YOU
WILL MAN YOUR HORN,

YOU WILL NOT FIND
ME UNAPPRECIATIVE.

ALL RIGHT, MUSICIANS, AND
I USE THE TERM LOOSELY,

THE WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE
FROM 19, THE AGITATO.

[MAYNARD PLAYING JAZZ VERSION]

MAYNARD, MAYNARD!

MAYNARD!

- THAT WAS COOL, MAN.
THAT WAS FAR OUTSVILLE!

- OH, IT WAS, LIKE, NOTHIN'.

- LET US NOT MINCE WORDS.

YOU, MAYNARD, ARE A GENIUS.

- ME?
- A GENIUS,

A FLAT OUT
COTTON-PICKING GENIUS!

IN MY BOOK, CAT MAN,

THE REAL GENIUSES OF
OUR TIME AREN'T THOSE GUYS

WHO WERE SHOOTING ROCKETS
AT VENUS AND MARS AND LIKE THAT.

THE REAL GENIUSES ARE
THE CATS WHO CAN WRITE JAZZ

BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT,

WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN JAZZ?
- NOTHIN'.

- MAYNARD, THERE'S
ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

YOU AND I GOT TO GO STEADY.

- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE!

- YEAH, JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- YEAH!

- TIME'S A-WASTIN', MAYNARD.

HERE'S MY MERIT
BADGE. LET'S GO STEADY.

- YEAH, BUT YOU'RE A GIRL.
- SO?

- WELL, IN FACT,
YOU'RE A VERY BIG GIRL.

- SO?
- BUT I'M SCARED OF GIRLS,

EVEN LITTLE TINY ONES.

THEY SPEND MY MONEY,

THEY WON'T LET ME
KISS THEM GOOD NIGHT

AND THEY DRAW FUNNY PICTURES
OF ME IN THEIR NOTEBOOKS.

NO THANKS, GIRL. NOT ME.

- WHAT IS THIS? A BAND REHEARSAL

OR A CLASS IN
MARRIAGE COUNSELING?

IN EITHER CASE, THE
PROSPECTS ARE DIM.

HOWEVER, LET US PRESS ON.

BACK TO THE WILLIAM
TELL OVERTURE.

AND, MAYNARD, TRY TO PLAY THE
NOTES AS WRITTEN, WON'T YOU?

THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW.

- BUT IT'S SO SQUARE,
MR. POMFRITT.

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE SQUARE.

- THEN PLAY IT LIKE SQUARE.

- YOU DON'T LIKE BIG JAZZ,
THAT'S WHAT YOU DON'T.

- MAYNARD, WOULD IT
INTEREST YOU TO KNOW

THAT I HAVE THE
LARGEST COLLECTION

OF THE KINGSTON
TRIO, FATS DOMINO

AND THE COASTERS
IN THE ENTIRE CITY?

- HEY, HOW COME A HIP GUY LIKE
YOU GOT ON THIS TEACHING KICK?

- BECAUSE I AM HIP, MAYNARD.
I GOT A BULLETIN FOR YOU.

IT TAKES A HIP GUY
TO BE A TEACHER.

- I DON'T DIG. IF YOU'RE SO HIP,

HOW COME YOU WANT US TO PLAY

THIS RICKY-TICKY
LONE RANGER JAZZ?

- BECAUSE THE RICKY-TICKY
SCHOOL BOARD SAYS I HAVE TO.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

MAYNARD AND THE REST OF
YOU, LET'S HAVE A CONTEST.

ANYONE IN THIS BAND WHO WRITES
AN ORIGINAL JAZZ COMPOSITION

WILL WIN A HANDSOME PRIZE
WHICH I WILL PERSONALLY DONATE.

- LIKE MONEY, SIR?
- ON MY SALARY?

SURELY, YOU JEST.

NO, THE PRIZE WILL NOT BE MONEY,
BUT SOMETHING EVEN BETTER.

THE WINNER WILL BE EXCUSED

FROM WRITING THE
NEXT ENGLISH THEME.

- YOU COULD MAKE
IT, LIKE, THE NEXT TWO!

- VERY WELL, MAYNARD,
LIKE, THE NEXT TWO.

- THREE?
- LIKE, THE NEXT TWO!

AND NOW, IF WE MAY RETURN

TO THE WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE...

[CLASS BELL RINGS]

I'M SURE THIS WILL
DISTRESS YOU NO END,

BUT CLASS... DISMISSED!

- MAYNARD, MY
OFFER STILL STANDS.

LET'S GO STEADY.
- GIRL, MY ANSWER STILL STANDS

LIKE NO, LIKE NEGATIVE, LIKE
UH-UH, LIKE NEVER, LIKE GOODBYE.

- YOU SEE, ESME?

YOU SEE, WITH
MAYNARD, YOU'RE DEAD.

WITH ME, ON THE OTHER HAND...
- YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,

ARE TOO SHORT FOR ME.

- WELL, I'M JUST AS
TALL AS MAYNARD.

- BUT HE CAN WRITE JAZZ.
- THIS MAKES HIM TALL?

- THIS MAKES HIM
A MAN AMONG MEN,

A LEADER, A CHILD
OF DESTINY, A GENIUS.

YOU GIVE ME A MAN
WHO CAN WRITE JAZZ

AND I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE
TO LIFT HIM UP TO DRINK

OUT OF A DRINKING
FOUNTAIN, I AM HIS!

- BUT I LOVE YOU!
- FAREWELL, LITTLE ONE.

- DOBIE, YOU'RE NOT
TOO SHORT FOR ME.

- ZELDA!
- ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.

BEAT YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL.

IT'S YOUR OWN DECISION.

I DON'T HAVE ONE
THING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

BUT, REMEMBER, DOBIE,
I'LL ALWAYS BE WAITING.

- ZELDA!

- BOY, IF YOU'VE GOT A
PROBLEM, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

- WELL, THERE IS ONE
THING BUGGING ME.

- WELL, ASK YOUR FATHER, DEAR.
THAT'S WHAT FATHERS ARE FOR.

- SURE. THE WORST HE CAN
GET IS A WRONG ANSWER.

- WELL, ALL RIGHT. DAD, WHY
ARE GIRLS GETTING SO TALL?

- OH, WELL, BECAUSE THE...
WHY ARE GIRLS GETTING SO TALL?

- YEAH. EVERYWHERE YOU
GO, YOU SEE GIRLS TOWERING

OVER ALL THE GUYS AROUND THEM.

TAKE, FOR INSTANCE, THIS
GIRL, ESME LAUTERBACH,

FROM THE CENTRAL HIGH BAND.

SHE'S GOT TO BE AT
LEAST 6'2 " OR 3". WHY?

- DOBIE, DEAR, YOUR
FATHER WANTS TO HELP YOU,

BUT YOU REALLY CAN'T EXPECT HIM

TO KNOW THE ANSWER
TO A QUESTION LIKE THAT.

- OH, IS THAT SO? WELL,
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW,

MY DEAR MRS. HERBERT T. GILLIS,
THAT I DO KNOW THE ANSWER.

- YOU DO?
- YOU DO?

- SIMPLEST THING IN THE
WORLD! IT'S THE MATRIARCHY!

- THE WHAT?
- OH, NO, NOT AGAIN!

- LISTEN, I WAS JUST
READING ABOUT IT

IN THE "LEGION
MAGAZINE" LAST WEEK.

NOW A MATRIARCHY IS A
SOCIETY THAT IS RULED BY WOMEN!

- LIKE OURS.
- PRECISELY!

- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE!

- MOM, PLEASE. DAD'S TRYING
TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING.

- BOY, WE ARE LIVING
IN A MATRIARCHY.

- RIDICULOUS!

- BUT IT WASN'T
ALWAYS A MATRIARCHY.

THIS USED TO BE A MAN'S COUNTRY

AND MEN RAN THE
WHOLE KIT AND CABOODLE.

- AND WHAT DID WOMEN DO?

- WELL, THEY BAKED
BREAD, WASHED CLOTHES,

HAD BABIES, TOOK CARE
OF THEIR HUSBANDS.

THEY DIDN'T DRINK OR
VOTE OR MAKE LOUD NOISES.

THEY WERE SWEET
AND SHY AND SOFT.

- AND SHORT?
- OF COURSE THEY WERE SHORT.

TO LOOK UP TO THEIR MEN,
THEY HAD TO BE SHORT.

- GEE, THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL.

- OH, IT WAS, BOY, IT WAS.

- WELL, WHAT LOUSED IT UP?

- WELL, A SERIES OF CATASTROPHES
STARTING WITH AUTOMATIC WASHERS,

AUTOMATIC DRYERS
AND POWER STEERING.

NOW IT USED TO BE THAT WHEN
A MAN CAME HOME FROM WORK,

NO MATTER HOW TIRED HE WAS,

HE COULD BE SURE THAT HIS
WIFE WOULD BE EVEN TIREDER.

BUT TODAY, THE POOR
GUY DRAGS HIMSELF

INTO THE HOUSE TO FIND
HIS WIFE LOOKING LIKE SHE

JUST CAME OFF A MONTH'S
VACATION IN THE COUNTRY.

HER EYES ARE BRIGHT,
HER STEP IS SPRINGY,

HER NOSTRILS ARE FLARING

AND SHE'S CHOCK FULL
OF PEP AND PLANS FOR HIM.

DARLING, SHE SAYS TO HIM,

DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO
TURN THE ATTIC INTO A RUMPUS ROOM?

DON'T YOU THINK WE
OUGHT TO SEND LITTLE WALDO

TO SCHOOL IN SWITZERLAND?

DON'T YOU THINK WE
OUGHT TO FLOOD THE DAM

AND MAKE AN AQUARIUM?

OH, THE POOR GUY.

ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS
CRAWL INTO AN EASY CHAIR

AND TURN ON THE TELEVISION.

BUT, NO, THERE
SHE IS, ALL OVER HIM

LIKE A SWARM OF HORNETS.

HE'S TOO TIRED TO FIGHT,
SO WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE JUST SITS THERE AND MUMBLES,
YES, DEAR, OF COURSE, DEAR,

WHATEVER YOU SAY, DEAR.

DOBIE, WHEN YOU GIVE A
WOMAN POWER LIKE THIS,

IT'S A CINCH SHE'S GOING TO
ATTAIN THE SIZE TO MATCH IT.

AND THAT, SON OF MINE, IS
WHY GIRLS ARE GETTING SO TALL.

- GEE, ISN'T THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT?

- NOTHING LEGAL.

- THAT WILL BE ENOUGH
OF THAT, HERBERT T. GILLIS!

DOBIE, DEAR, DON'T YOU PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO YOUR FATHER.

HIS FEET ARE HURTING HIM AGAIN
AND YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS.

IT'S ALL A MATTER OF BIOLOGY.

GIRLS GET THEIR GROWTH EARLIER
AND BOYS ALWAYS CATCH UP.

- YOU MEAN THERE'S A CHANCE I'LL
CATCH UP WITH ESME LAUTERBACH?

- OF COURSE THERE IS.
- YOU SURE?

- JUST TRUST YOUR
MOTHER WHO LOVES YOU.

- AND IGNORE YOUR DUMB
OLD DAD WHO SUPPORTS YOU.

- DON'T YOU HAVE HOMEWORK, DEAR?
- OH, YEAH.

- THERE'S COOKIES
AND MILK IN YOUR ROOM.

- OH, THANKS, MOM.

- WINNIE, I JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND YOU,

FILLING THAT POOR BOY'S
HEAD WITH ALL THAT NONSENSE.

YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I
DO HE'LL NEVER GROW UP

TO BE AS TALL AS THAT GIRL.

- MAYBE HE WILL
AND MAYBE HE WON'T.

THE POINT IS, IN A FEW WEEKS,

HE'LL FORGET ABOUT HER
AND GET HIMSELF A NEW GIRL.

SO WHY NOT GIVE HIM A
LITTLE HOPE TO CLING TO?

WHY LET HIM GO AROUND MOPING?

- WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
- OF COURSE I AM.

AND SPEAKING OF FILLING THE
BOY'S HEAD FULL OF NONSENSE,

WHAT'S ALL THIS GIBBERISH
ABOUT THE MATRIARCHY?

- GIBBERISH?
- YES, GIBBERISH.

TAKE OUR HOME, FOR EXAMPLE.

IS THERE ANY QUESTION
HERE WHO'S BOSS?

- CERTAINLY NOT!
- THERE YOU ARE.

- IT'S YOU!

- TROUBLE IS, YOU MIGHT
SAY, MY NATURAL HABITAT.

BUT NEVER HAVE I BEEN
IN TROUBLE LIKE THIS.

I'VE GOT TO GROW UNTIL I'M
AS TALL AS ESME LAUTERBACH.

BUT HOW DO I KEEP
HER OUT OF CIRCULATION

WHILE I'M GROWING?

AND HOW DO I MAKE SURE
SHE'S STILL AVAILABLE

WHEN I CATCH UP TO HER?

WELL, I'VE GOT A PLAN.

NOT EXACTLY A PLAN,
MORE LIKE A HOPE

AND NOT MUCH OF A HOPE,

A HOPE THAT'S PUNY, SCRAWNY,

SKIMPY, SCRAGGLY, TATTERED.

- YOU RANG?

- MAYNARD!

MAYNARD, IF I ASK YOU
TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME,

SOMETHING YOU HATED
TO DO, WOULD YOU DO IT?

- DOBE, GOOD BUDDY, I
WOULD THROW MYSELF

IN FRONT OF AN
EXPRESS TRAIN FOR YOU.

- AW, FINE, MAYNARD.
- I WOULD THROW MYSELF

IN FRONT OF A
FREIGHT TRAIN FOR YOU!

- GOOD.
- I'D THROW MYSELF IN FRONT

OF A STREETCAR FOR YOU!

I WOULD THROW MYSELF
IN FRONT OF A BUS FOR YOU!

- WONDERFUL.
- I'D THROW MYSELF IN FRONT

OF A SEDAN FOR YOU! I
WOULD THROW MYSELF

IN FRONT OF A
CONVERTIBLE FOR YOU!

I WOULD THROW MYSELF IN FRONT
OF A STATION WAGON FOR YOU!

- MAYNARD?
- I WOULD THROW MYSELF

IN FRONT OF A HORSE
FOR YOU! I WOULD...

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
I'M DEEPLY TOUCHED.

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO THROW
YOURSELF IN FRONT OF ANYTHING.

- BUT I WANT TO,
DOBE. JUST NAME IT!

- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW THAT GIRL
IN THE BAND, ESME LAUTERBACH?

- YOU WANT ME TO THROW MYSELF
IN FRONT OF ESME LAUTERBACH?

I'LL DO IT, GOOD BUDDY.

A PERSON COULD GET,
LIKE, STOMPED TO DEATH,

BUT I'LL DO IT.
- NO, MAYNARD, NO.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO THROW YOURSELF

IN FRONT OF ESME LAUTERBACH.

I WANT YOU TO GO TO HER

AND TELL HER YOU'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT HER OFFER

AND YOU'VE DECIDED
TO GO STEADY WITH HER.

- GOODBYE, EX-BUDDY.

- SOME FRIEND YOU
TURNED OUT TO BE!

I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU,
GOOD BUDDY, JUST NAME IT.

- BUT I DON'T DIG
GIRLS. YOU KNOW THAT.

- ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M THE
BEST FRIEND YOU EVER HAD!

TRUE?
- TRUE.

- AND HOW LONG HAVE
WE BEEN FRIENDS?

- SINCE WE BEEN
LITTLE TINY BABIES.

- YEAH, AND WHO TAUGHT YOU

HOW TO CRAWL?
- YOU.

- AND WHO TAUGHT
YOU HOW TO WALK?

- YOU. BUT TO TELL
YOU THE TRUTH,

YOU DIDN'T DO SUCH A GOOD JOB.

I WALK PRETTY FUNNY, DOBE.

- BUT YOU GET AROUND, DON'T YOU?

- TRUE.

- AND WHO TAUGHT YOU
EVERYTHING ELSE YOU KNOW?

HOW TO TIE YOUR SHOES,

HOW TO DIAL THE TELEPHONE?

HOW TO...
- THAT'S ABOUT ALL I KNOW, DOBE.

- WELL, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN
THAT MUCH IF IT WASN'T FOR ME!

NOW WHEN I ASK YOU
ONE LITTLE FAVOR,

YOU RAT OUT ON ME!
ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.

IF THAT'S THE WAY IT
IS, I'M GLAD I FOUND OUT!

- OKAY, DOBE, I'LL DO IT.

- AW, THAT'S MY
GOOD BUDDY. NOW...

- THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING I DON'T DIG.

- IF YOU'RE SO APE
FOR THIS TALL CHICK,

HOW COME YOU WANT ME
TO GO STEADY WITH HER?

- AH, THAT'S THE
CLEVER PART OF MY PLAN.

NOW YOU SEE, MAYNARD, ESME
SAYS I'M NOT TALL ENOUGH FOR HER.

WELL, I WILL BE
IN A LITTLE WHILE.

ALL I NEED IS SOME TIME TO GROW.

BUT MEANWHILE,
I'VE GOTTA MAKE SURE

SOME OTHER GUY DOESN'T
COME ALONG AND GRAB HER.

NOW IF YOU'RE GOING
STEADY WITH HER,

THAT TAKES HER
OUT OF CIRCULATION

WHILE I'M GROWING. THEN
WHEN I GET MY GROWTH,

I'LL COME TO YOU AND
I'LL SAY, OKAY, MAYNARD,

TURN ESME OVER TO ME,
WHICH YOU, OF COURSE,

WILL BE HAPPY TO DO BECAUSE
YOU ARE MY GOOD BUDDY

AND YOU DON'T LIKE GIRLS ANYHOW.

- TRUE.
- YEAH.

- THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING I CAN SAY, DOBE.

- YEAH?
- I'M GLAD THE RUSSIANS

AIN'T GOT YOUR BRAIN.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD, THANK YOU.

NOW GET CRACKIN',
BOY. GO LOCK UP ESME.

- IT WON'T WORK, DOBIE.

- ZELDA!

WILL YOU QUIT
FOLLOWING ME AROUND

AND SKULKING BEHIND TRASH CANS?

- YOU POOR FOOL.

WHILE YOU'RE GROWING, WHAT
DO YOU THINK SHE'S GONNA DO?

STAND STILL? SHE'LL
BE GROWING TOO.

- JEALOUSY, THAT'S IT!
JEALOUSY'S WARPED YOUR MIND!

I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU, ZELDA!

I'M GOING HOME!

TO GROW!

- I DON'T WANT TO
HURT THE BOY, HERBERT!

- NEVER MIND, MOM.
PULL HARDER! HARDER!

[BACK CRACKING]

- OH, THAT'S ALL, HERBERT,
THAT IS POSITIVELY ALL!

- AW, MOM.

- OH, YOUR MOTHER'S
RIGHT, DOBIE.

COME ON HERE, LET'S MEASURE HIM.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, HERBERT?

- THE BOY SEEMS TO HAVE
SHRUNK A QUARTER OF AN INCH.

- THINGS WERE NOT
HOPEFUL, NOT HOPEFUL AT ALL.

BUT THE CRUELEST BLOW
OF ALL WAS YET TO COME

AND WHO DO YOU
THINK GAVE IT TO ME?

WHO DO YOU THINK GAVE IT TO ME?

- DOBIE, THIS IS THE
CRUMMIEST THING

I EVER DID IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHAT MAKES IT EVEN
CRUMMIER IS I'M DOING IT TO YOU,

THE BEST BUDDY I GOT
IN THE WHOLE WORLD

WHO TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW,

LIKE TYING MY SHOES

AND DIALING A TELEPHONE
AND ALL LIKE THAT.

- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME, MAYNARD?

- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
TELL HIM OR SHALL I?

- OH, I'LL TELL HIM, TALL
GIRL. IT'S, LIKE, MY DUTY.

- IT CERTAINLY IS.
- DOBIE... YOU TELL HIM, ESME.

- COME HERE, MAYNARD! YOU
TELL ME. WHAT HAPPENED?

- DOBE, YOU CAN
STOP TRYING TO GROW.

- WHY?

- CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA
GIVE ESME BACK TO YOU,

NO MATTER HOW TALL YOU GET.

DOBIE, I'M GONNA KEEP HER.
- AND I'M GONNA KEEP HIM.

- WHAT?
- YEAH.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I DIG GIRLS.

ANYHOW, I DIG ESME. I
MEAN, SHE'S REAL FAR OUT,

THIS TALL CRAZY CHICK,
AND I, LIKE, LOVE HER, DOBE,

AND I AIN'T NEVER
GONNA GIVE HER BACK.

- AMEN.
- OH, NO!

- TOUGH, PAL, BUT THAT'S THE
WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.

- YOU CAN HIT ME
WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT

IN THE STOMACH IF
YOU WANT TO, DOBE.

COME ON, DOBE, HIT ME.

I'D FEEL A LOT BETTER.
- HE REALLY WOULD, DOBIE.

- NO, I DON'T WANNA
HIT YOU, MAYNARD.

- YOU WANNA HIT ME, DOBIE?
- NO, THANKS.

- WANT ME TO HIT HER?
- NO.

- YOU WANT HER TO HIT ME?

- LOOK, I DON'T WANT
ANYBODY TO HIT ANYBODY!

NOW JUST GO, PLEASE.

BOTH OF YOU GO. LEAVE ME ALONE.

- I LOVE YOU, DOBIE.

- OH, PLEASE LEAVE
ME ALONE, ZELDA.

MY LIFE IS IN ASHES.

- LET ME FINISH. I
LOVE YOU, DOBIE.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I CAN'T
STAND TO SEE YOU SUFFER.

SO THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA
GET YOU THE ONE THING

IN THE WORLD THAT'LL
MAKE YOU HAPPY.

- YOU MEAN...?
- ESME LAUTERBACH.

- YEAH? HOW?

- LISTEN, WHAT DOES ESME

ADMIRE AND RESPECT MORE THAN
ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

- A MAN WHO CAN
WRITE JAZZ MUSIC.

- RIGHT. SO NEXT WEEK
WHEN MR. POMFRITT

HAS HIS CONTEST TO
SEE WHO CAN WRITE

THE BEST JAZZ COMPOSITION,

YOU ARE GONNA STAND
UP AND PLAY THE GUITAR

AND SING A GREAT JAZZ NUMBER,

A NUMBER THAT YOU
WROTE YOURSELF,

AND YOU'LL WIN FIRST
PRIZE IN A BREEZE.

AND ESME WILL BE YOUR GIRL
EVEN IF SHE IS A WHOLE HEAD TALLER.

- ZELDA, HAVE YOU
BLOWN YOUR STACK?

ME, PLAY A GUITAR?
ME, WRITE A SONG?

- I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN THE
SONG AND IT'S REALLY A GAS,

IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.

AS FOR THE GUITAR, I CAN TEACH
YOU ENOUGH CHORDS TO FAKE IT.

- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, ZELDA?

- YOU WANT THAT GREAT
BIG GIRAFFE OF A GIRL,

DON'T YOU?
- YEAH.

- THAT'S WHY I'M DOING IT.

NOW HEAR ME GOOD.
THIS IS THE PLAN.

NO, NO, NO!

NOW CAN'T YOU GET IT THROUGH
YOUR POINTED LITTLE HEAD

THAT TEMPEST IS FUGITING?
THERE'S ONLY TWO MORE DAYS.

- NO, IT'S NO USE, ZELDA.
I'LL NEVER LEARN IN TIME!

- OF COURSE YOU WILL.
YOU LOVE ESME, DON'T YOU?

- SURE, I DO.
- WELL, LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, ZELDA!
BRING ON THOSE MOUNTAINS!

- ATTABOY! NOW, CHORD!

WONDERFUL! EXCELLENT! MARVELOUS!

NOW LET'S DO IT ONE
MORE TIME AND GET IT RIGHT!

READY? ONE, TWO...

- ZELDA, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

ZELDA, I WAS SUSPICIOUS WHEN YOU

FIRST STARTED TEACHING
ME TO PLAY THE GUITAR.

IN FACT, I STILL AM.

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT,
IF I TAKE FIRST PRIZE TOMORROW

AND WIN ESME, I'LL
NEVER FORGET YOU.

THERE'LL ALWAYS BE A WARM SPOT

IN MY HEART FOR YOU
AND A PLACE AT MY TABLE.

ZELDA, YOU'RE A
REAL HUMAN BEING.

- NOW COME ON. WE
HAVEN'T GOT MUCH TIME LEFT.

YOU READY?
- YEAH.

- ONE, TWO, THREE...

- "GREEN LIGHTNING
STRUCK ME IN THE HEART

WHEN I FIRST MET YOU."

OH, MAYNARD, I JUST KNOW
YOU'RE GONNA WIN THE CONTEST.

I MEAN, THIS SONG YOU WROTE

IS THE LIVING,
BREATHING, ULTIMATE END!

- UH-HUH.

- AND YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO

AFTER YOU TAKE FIRST PRIZE?
- UH-UH.

- YOU'RE GONNA STAND
ON THE CHAIR AND KISS ME.

- HEY, DOBE! HEY, DOBE? DOBE?

HEY, DOBE? HEY, MAN.

HE, LIKE, HATES ME!

- BUT I DON'T, CAT MAN.

I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME

AND LOVE IS ALL THAT
MATTERS, ISN'T IT?

- TALL GIRL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I DON'T LIKE, LIKE?

- WHAT?
- I DON'T LIKE, LIKE LOVE.

- JUST STAY LOOSE, PAL.

YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU'LL TAKE FIRST
PRIZE IN A BREEZE.

- OH, MAYBE. BUT IF I DO,

IT'LL BE ON ACCOUNT OF
THAT SONG YOU WROTE.

THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONG
I EVER HEARD IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

- OH, PISH-POSH.

JUST REMEMBER, DOBIE, GIVE
IT EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT.

YOU'RE A CINCH! ESME
WILL FALL INTO YOUR LAP

LIKE A RIPE PLUM,
A GREAT BIG ONE.

- ZELDA, LET ME PUT
IT TO YOU SIMPLY.

YOU'RE A GREAT HUMAN BEING.

- GOOD MORNING, TROUBADOURS!

TODAY AS WE ALL
KNOW IS THE CONTEST

FOR THE BEST ORIGINAL
JAZZ COMPOSITION.

WILL THE CONTESTANTS
PLEASE RAISE THEIR HANDS?

OH, YES, MAYNARD, OF
COURSE. ANYONE ELSE?

DOBIE, YOU HAVE WRITTEN AN
ORIGINAL JAZZ COMPOSITION?

- WELL, I...
- YES, SIR, HE HAS.

- I SUPPOSE THE MERCIFUL THING

IS TO GET IT OVER WITH
AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

ALL RIGHT, DOBIE, YOU GO FIRST.

- EXCUSE ME, SIR.

KILL THEM, POOPSIE.

- ZELDA!

♪ I NEVER WAS GOOD AT FOOTBALL ♪

♪ I NEVER TOOK TIME TO TRY ♪

♪ FISHING AND HUNTING
JUST AIN'T MY DISH ♪

♪ I LET IT PASS RIGHT ON BY ♪

♪ BUT GIVE ME A CUTIE
AND I KNOW MY DUTY ♪

♪ YOU'LL FIND ME
RIGHT BESIDE HER ♪

♪ BUT DON'T GET ROUGH,
I DON'T LIKE THAT STUFF ♪

♪ I'M A LOVER, NOT A FIGHTER ♪

♪ I NEVER DID LEARN TO WRESTLE ♪

♪ AND BOXING LEAVES ME COLD
WITH A MIND THAT'S WILLING ♪

♪ BUT A BACK THAT'S WEAK I
CAN'T BE BRAVE AND BOLD ♪

♪ BUT GIVE ME A GIRLIE
WITH A SMILE SO PEARLY ♪

♪ AND THE OLD MOON
IS SHINING BRIGHTER ♪

♪ AND I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT THIS BOY CAN DO ♪

♪ I'M A LOVER, NOT A FIGHTER ♪

♪ I NEVER DID LIKE ADVENTURE ♪

♪ DON'T WANNA FLY TO THE MOON ♪

♪ THE ONLY TRIP I
EVER WANNA TAKE ♪

♪ WILL BE ON MY HONEYMOON ♪

♪ WHEN I FIND ME A LASSIE
WITH A CUTE LITTLE CHASSIS ♪

♪ I'LL STEP UP AND INVITE HER ♪

♪ BUT I WON'T BE MEAN
WHEN I FIND MY QUEEN ♪

♪ I'M A LOVER, NOT A FIGHTER ♪

♪ YEAH, GIVE ME A CUTIE
AND I KNOW MY DUTY ♪

♪ YOU'LL FIND ME
RIGHT BESIDE HER ♪

♪ BUT DON'T GET ROUGH ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE THAT STUFF ♪

♪ I'M A LOVER ♪

♪ NOT A FIGHTER ♪

- YEAH, THAT'S MY DOBIE!

I'D LIKE TO WITHDRAW
FROM THE CONTEST,

MR. POMFRITT.
- WITHDRAW?

- YEAH, I'M A LOVER,
NOT A FIGHTER. BONG!

OH, YEAH, YOU GOTTA
GIVE HIM THE PRIZE.

HE WINS ESME TOO! HE
WON HER FAIR AND SQUARE!

- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE!

- MOVE, GIRL!

YOU WANTED A GENIUS, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, HERE'S THE
PIN. GO GRAB HIM!

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

SMALL MAN, I'VE RECONSIDERED.

WHAT'S AN 8 OR 10-INCH
DIFFERENCE IN HEIGHT

WHEN A FELLOW'S GOT
A TALENT LIKE YOURS?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO STEADY.
HERE'S MY MERIT BADGE.

- MISS? COULD YOU POSSIBLY

PLIGHT YOUR TROTH
A LITTLE LATER?

THIS, IN SPITE OF
ALL APPEARANCES,

IS STILL A CLASSROOM.

- WE'LL WORK IT OUT LATER.

- WELL, DOBIE, IT WOULD APPEAR
THAT YOU HAVE WON THE PRIZE.

AND I'M COMPLETELY
ASTONISHED BY IT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

- NO, SIR.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- NO, SIR.

NO, SIR, I CAN'T
ACCEPT THE PRIZE.

THE PRIZE BELONGS
TO ZELDA GILROY.

- OH, DOBIE.
- ZELDA, WOULD YOU DO ME

THE PRIVILEGE TO
GO STEADY WITH ME?

- OH, Y... NO, DOBIE.

I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOU.

I'VE BEEN A RAT, A
LOW-DOWN CONNIVING RAT!

I LET YOU THINK THAT
I WAS HONORABLE

AND SELF-SACRIFICING
BECAUSE I KNEW ALL ALONG

THAT YOU WERE GONNA
DO WHAT YOU JUST DID.

I KNEW IT BECAUSE
IT IS YOU, DOBIE,

WHO ARE NOBLE
AND SELF-SACRIFICING

AND I AM ROTTEN CLEAN THROUGH!

- HMMM.

MR. POMFRITT, WOULD
YOU MIND IF ZELDA AND I

STEPPED OUTSIDE FOR A MOMENT?

- I WOULD BE ABJECTLY GRATEFUL.

- COME, ZELDA.

- ARRIVEDERCI.

- WELL, ZELDA, I'VE
GOT TO GIVE YOU THIS.

IT WAS PRETTY SMART,
THAT PLAN YOU FIGURED OUT.

- IT WAS TREACHEROUS
AND DECEITFUL.

- TRUE, BUT SMART. I MEAN,
YOU WERE USING YOUR HEAD

WHICH IS WHAT I SHOULD
HAVE BEEN DOING.

- I DON'T FOLLOW YOU.

- LOOK, WHAT IF I DID START
GOING STEADY WITH ESME?

SOONER OR LATER,
SHE'S GOTTA FIND OUT

I CAN'T REALLY WRITE JAZZ MUSIC.

THEN WHAT DOES SHE DO?

- SHE DUMPS YOU?
- EXACTLY.

SHE DUMPS ME
JUST LIKE EVERY GIRL

I'VE EVER HAD HAS DUMPED ME.

- NOT ME, DOBIE.
- THAT'S RIGHT, NOT YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL

IN THE WHOLE CENTRAL
HIGH THAT I CAN BE SURE OF.

- YOU MEAN YOU WANNA
GO STEADY WITH ME?

- WELL, ZELDA, IT'S NOT
A QUESTION OF WANT.

IT'S A QUESTION OF
WHAT'S AVAILABLE AND YOU,

I'M AFRAID, ARE IT.

- OH, DOBIE!

- ♪ BUT GIVE ME A GIRLIE ♪

♪ WITH A SMILE SO PEARLY ♪

♪ AND THE OLD MOON
IS SHINING BRIGHTER ♪

♪ AND I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT THIS BOY CAN DO ♪

♪ I'M A LOVER, NOT A FIGHTER ♪

♪ I NEVER DID LIKE ADVENTURE ♪

♪ DON'T WANNA FLY TO THE MOON ♪

♪ THE ONLY TRIP I
EVER WANNA TAKE ♪

♪ WILL BE ON MY HONEYMOON ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪