The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 9 - Dobie Gillis, Boy Actor - full transcript

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

- OH, HI.

I WAS JUST PRACTICING A FEW
EXPRESSIONS FOR TONIGHT.

SCHOOL PLAY TRYOUTS, 8:00 SHARP.

COME ONE, COME ALL.

THE DRAMA CLUB
NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT

SIGNED ANNABELLE
HUFFAKER, PRESIDENT.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW COME

THIS SUDDEN INTEREST
IN THE DRAMA CLUB,

I CAN TELL YOU IN THREE WORDS:
ANNABELLE HUFFAKER, PRESIDENT.

SHE'S WONDERFUL, SORT OF UNIQUE.



AS A MATTER OF FACT, SHE'S
NUTS ABOUT THE THEATER, I MEAN,

AND IF SHE'S NUTS
ABOUT THE THEATER,

I'M NUTS ABOUT THE THEATER

IF SHE WORKED IN A CEMENT PLANT,

I'D WORK IN A CEMENT PLANT.

BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT GIRL,

LIFE IS A HOLLOW MOCKERY,

AN EMPTY SHELL, A
SONG WITHOUT MUSIC.

- [ MAYNARD SCATTING ]

- MAYNARD, DID YOU GET
ME A SCRIPT OF THE PLAY?

- YEAH, DADDY-O. THEY JUST
CAME OFF THE MIMEOGRAPH.

- OH, GOOD, GOOD.
- AND DON'T TELL

WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
MISS ERDLATZ WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

- OKAY. BOY, WITH MY
DRAMATIC EXPERIENCE,

I'M A CINCH TO WIN THE LEAD.

- WHAT DRAMATIC EXPERIENCE?

- WELL, DON'T YOU REMEMBER
THAT THANKSGIVING PAGEANT?

- YOU MEAN WHEN WE
WERE IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL?

- YEAH, SURE, THAT WAS
DRAMATIC EXPERIENCE.

- YOU PLAYED A PUMPKIN.

- WELL, EVERYBODY HAS
TO START SOME PLACE.

"MAGNOLIAS AT MANASSAS:

A CIVIL WAR DRAMA
BY RUTH ERDLATZ."

TEACHER WROTE IT HERSELF, HUH?

HOW IS IT, PRETTY ROMANTIC?

- YEAH, MAN, THAT CIVIL WAR

WAS A SWINGING SCUFFLE.
- YEAH.

- NO WONDER THOSE
DIXIE CATS BLEW IT.

THEY SPENT ALL THEIR TIME
SMOOCHING IN THE GARDEN.

- WHERE? WHERE IS THAT?

- ACT THREE.
- WHERE? WHERE'S THAT?

- HERE, DIG THIS.

HE TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS,

BENDS HER BACKWARD
IN A PASSIONATE EMBRACE.

- OH, GO, MISS
ERDLATZ, GO, GO, GO.

- HE KISSES HER.

- OH, THAT DOES IT, MAYNARD.

I GOT TO HAVE THAT PART,
BECAUSE WHEN ANNABELLE'S LIPS

MEET MINE,

SHE'LL KNOW, OLD
FRIEND, SHE'LL KNOW.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS?

- WELL, WHY NOT?

- WELL, I WAS
READING THIS ARTICLE

CALLED " IS SAL
MINEO REALLY HAPPY?"

AND I WAS THINKING...

- LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO
GO THROUGH WITH IT.

OH, HERE'S ANNABELLE.

- OH, HEY, IF ANYBODY ASKS YOU
WHERE YOU GOT THAT SCRIPT...

- OH, WILD HORSES
COULDN'T DRAG IT OUT OF ME.

COME ON.

HI, ANNABELLE.

- GO AWAY, DOBIE.

- BUT, ANNABELLE, I WANT
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

- DOBIE, LOOK, THE THEATER

MAY NOT BE VERY
IMPORTANT TO YOU.

- NOT IMPORTANT?

IT'S ONLY MY WHOLE
LIFE, THAT'S ALL.

- SINCE WHEN?

- WELL, IT HIT ME
ALL OF A SUDDEN.

THE LEAST YOU
COULD DO IS HELP ME.

- HOW?
- WELL, THERE'S THIS SCENE

IN THE LAST PART OF THE PLAY,

AND I THOUGHT IF WE COULD
REHEARSE IT A LITTLE TOGETHER,

YOU KNOW...
- I KNOW.

- WE COULD...
- I READ THE THIRD ACT, TOO.

- UH-UH?
- UH-UH.

AND SAY, WHERE DID
YOU GET THAT COPY

OF THE PLAY ANYHOW?

- WILD HORSES COULDN'T
DRAG IT OUT OF HIM.

- DOBIE - MAYNARD
STOLE IT FOR ME.

- WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU SEE, WE'RE NOT
TAKING OUR READINGS

FROM THAT PLAY ANYWAY.

- WE'RE NOT?
- NO.

OH, I'M DOING BLANCHE
FROM "STREETCAR."

- WHAT STREETCAR?

- "A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE,"

WELL, THE GREAT PLAY
BY TENNESSEE WILLIAMS.

- OH, I THINK SHE MEANS
LIKE TENNESSEE ERNIE.

- OH! OH, WELL, HE'S
ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

I LIKE IT WHEN HE
COMES OUT AND SAYS,

"HIYA, PEA PICKERS."

- DOBIE?

- YEAH?

- I'M VERY FOND OF YOU,

BUT IF YOU DON'T GO AWAY,

I'M LIABLE TO PUNCH
YOU RIGHT IN THE NOSE.

- WILD HORSES.

- SHE WORMED IT OUT OF ME.

- ILL MET BY MOONLIGHT,
PROUD TITANIA,

ILL MET BY MOONLIGHT, PROUD...
- HI, NORMAN.

- OH, HI, FELLAS.

YOU GONNA READ FOR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER.

- OH, TOUGH LUCK.

- YOU TRYING FOR IT, TOO?

- NO, BUT MR. WONDERFUL IS.

- MILTON ARMITAGE?

- YEAH, HE SAYS HE
GOT THE PART SEWED UP.

- BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS
CAPTAIN OF THE WRESTLING TEAM.

WON'T HE HAVE TO
WORK OUT AT NIGHT?

- ONLY LIKE IN THE THIRD ACT.

- LOOK, NORMAN. I'VE
GOTTA LEARN SOME KIND

OF AUDITION PART QUICK.

YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO
HAVE A SPARE ONE ON YOU?

- I WAS GOING TO DO OBERON.
- HUH?

- FROM "MIDSUMMER
NIGHT'S DREAM."

- OH, SURE.
- WELL, SEE HERE,

IT NEEDS A COUPLE
OF LINES FROM TITANIA,

AND I WAS TOO
BASHFUL TO ASK A GIRL.

- YEAH, WELL, WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO FOR A GIRL THIS LATE?

I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO DO.

WHAT KIND OF A
GUY IS THIS OBERON?

- OBERON?

HE'S A KIND OF A
GARY COOPER TYPE.

- OH, GARY COOPER, HUH?

GOSH, THANKS, MILTON.

- GLAD TO HELP OUT, PAL.

- NO, BUT OBERON'S A...

BUT OBERON'S AN ELF, AN ELF.

- SO WILL YOU BE IF YOU
DON'T KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

- OH, YOU'VE ONLY
GOT A COUPLE OF LINES.

COME ON. LET'S REHEARSE.

[ BLOWS WHISTLE ]

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

QUIET, PLEASE.

NOW IF YOU'LL ALL JUST
GATHER OVER AT THIS SIDE

AND KEEP THIS
SECTION HERE CLEAR.

MM-HM. THANK YOU.

NOW, OUR FIRST TRYOUT WILL
BE FOR THE LEAD IN MY PLAY,

THE SOUTHERN OFFICER,
LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER.

A HANDSOME,
COURAGEOUS, ARISTOCRATIC

AND UTTERLY FASCINATING
MAN. CANDIDATES?

- YOU'RE TRYING
OUT FOR CULPEPPER?

- YEAH, THANKS FOR THE HELP
YOU GAVE ME ON THIS OBERON.

MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.

- AH, THANKS, GILLIS.
I APPRECIATE THAT.

- OH, THANK YOU FOR DECIDING
TO PLAY THE PART, MILTON.

OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW THRILLED I AM.

- YEAH.
- IF MY WONDERFUL PLAY

NEEDED ANYTHING...
- YEAH.

- IT'S WONDERFUL YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]

- I'M TRYING OUT FOR
IT, TOO, MISS ERDLATZ.

- YOU ARE? YOU ARE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST
CARRYING SOMETHING FOR MILTON.

- NO.

- WELL, WE'LL HEAR
MILTON AUDITION FIRST.

- IF YOU DON'T MIND, OBERON.

WELL, WHEN ANNABELLE TOLD ME

THAT SHE WAS
GOING TO DO BLANCHE,

I DECIDED TO DO STANLEY,

SO THAT WE COULD
REHEARSE TOGETHER.

NOW I'LL GIVE YOU MY
IMPRESSION OF THE ROLE

THAT MARLON BRANDO PLAYED

IN "STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE."

- YOUR IMPRESSION?

- YES, YOU SEE, I
FEEL THAT THE WAY

THAT TENNESSEE WILLIAMS WROTE IT

IS NOT QUITE THE WAY
THAT I MIGHT'VE PLAYED IT,

SO I'VE MADE A FEW
MINOR IMPROVEMENTS,

AND NOW WITH
ANNABELLE'S ASSISTANCE.

AT THE END OF THE 10th SCENE
WHERE YOU BREAK THE BOTTLE.

- CRASH!

- [ MUMBLING ]

WHAT IS IT, BABY? I MEAN,

WHAT'D YOU BREAK THE BOTTLE FOR?

- SO I CAN DEFEND MY HONOR

BY GRINDING THE BROKEN
GLASS IN YOUR HANDSOME FACE.

- [ SIGHS ] WHAT, DO YOU
WANT TO PLAY ROUGH, TIGER?

- AH!
- STANLEY! STANLEY!

STANLEY!

- OH!

- PRETTY FAIR,
MILTON, PRETTY FAIR.

YOU'RE GOING TO PUSH
ME TO ACT OVER MY HEAD.

- OH, YES, YOU.
- YES, MA'AM.

I'M GOING TO DO OBERON,

AND MAYNARD'S GOING TO
HELP ME BY BEING QUEEN TITANIA.

EXCUSE ME, STANLEY.

- HEY, REMEMBER THAT WILD SMOOCH
IN THE THIRD ACT WITH ANNABELLE.

GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT, GARY.
- YEAH.

ILL MET BY MOONLIGHT,
PROUD TITANIA.

- WHAT, JEALOUS, OBERON?
- YEP.

- FAIRIES, SKIP HENCE.

I HAVE, LIKE, FORSWORN
HIS COMPANY.

- TARRY, RASH WANTON.
AM I NOT THY LORD?

- THEN I MUST BE THY LADY.

- YEP.

- MAYNARD?
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY?

- WE'VE BEEN HAD.

- LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, DOBE.

YOU CAME IN, LIKE, SECOND.

- YEAH, BECAUSE NOBODY
ELSE WAS STUPID ENOUGH

TO TRY OUT AGAINST MILTON.

- I JUST DON'T THINK
THAT OBERON PART

WAS RIGHT FOR YOU,
LIKE, TOO WESTERN.

- LOOK, ALL I WANT IS ANNABELLE.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON
I GOT INTO THIS PLAY.

- MAYBE YOU WILL, MAN.

AFTER ALL, COMING IN SECOND

MADE YOU, LIKE,
MILTON'S SUBSTITUTE.

- UNDERSTUDY, MAYNARD.
- YEAH,

BUT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS
TO HIM, YOU, LIKE, GO ON.

- WELL, THAT'S FINE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
ANYTHING HAPPENING TO HIM?

- WELL, WELL, IF IT
ISN'T GARY OBERON.

- OH, HI, ANNABELLE, HI, MILTON.

- JUST CALL ME
LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER,

AND THIS IS MY LITTLE
SOUTHERN BELLE, LAVINIA.

- CONGRATULATIONS,
ANNABELLE. YOU, TOO, MILTON.

- YEAH, IT COULDN'T
HAPPEN TO A BIGGER...

- BIGGER WHAT?

- IT'S LIKE A CONTEST,

COMPLETE THE
SENTENCE IN 25 WORDS.

- WELL, WE BETTER
GET BUSY, ANNABELLE.

WE'VE GOT TO DISCUSS THE PLAY.

WE'VE GOT TO KIND OF
FEEL OUT THE CHARACTERS.

SHALL WE, MISS LAVINIA?

- DELIGHTED,
LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER.

SEE YOU AT REHEARSAL.

- NOW, THIS THIRD ACT'S
GOING TO NEED A LOT OF WORK,

I MEAN, A LOT OF WORK.

- WHEN I THINK OF THAT LOUSY
MILTON DOUBLE-CROSSING ME,

GETTING ME TO DO
OBERON AS GARY COOPER.

- WELL, IT'S TOO LATE NOW,

SO, LIKE, CHEER UP AND
LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE.

- WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?

- YOU MIGHT'VE
DONE IT AS A PUMPKIN.

- UNDERSTUDY, BIG DEAL.

THEY SMOOCH, AND I WATCH.

NOT ONLY THAT, I GOTTA
LEARN THE WHOLE PLAY.

- HOW COME?

- CAUSE I'LL HAVE TO
STEP INTO THE PART

IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO MILTON.

- DO YOU HEAR BELLS?

- WE COULDN'T.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.

- CRUMMY TRICK.
- OH, LIKE, THE CRUMMIEST.

- WRONG THINKING.
- STRAIGHT DOWN THE LINE.

- WE'LL DO IT.

- 'COURSE, MAYNARD AND I
DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING

TO KNOCK MILTON ARMITAGE
OUT OF PLAYING THE LEAD.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO THINK OF ANYTHING.

IN FACT, I HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING

BUT ANNABELLE HUFFAKER.

ANNABELLE. IT'S A
POEM, IT'S A SONG.

I EVEN LIKE HUFFAKER.

THAT'S HOW BAD I'M
STUCK WITH THIS GIRL.

OH, ANNABELLE, ANNABELLE.

- DOBIE GILLIS, WHY
DID YOU ASK ME HERE?

YOU KNOW I'VE GOT
TO STUDY MY PART.

- ANNABELLE, LET ME
PUT IT TO YOU BLUNTLY.

I LOVE YOU.

- OF COURSE YOU LOVE ME.

WHO WOULDN'T?

JUST LOOK AT THIS PROFILE,

LOOK AT THIS FIGURE,

LOOK AT THESE BURNING EYES.

- YOU LIGHT BONFIRES.

- TRUE.
- UH-HUH.

- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
MAKES THEM BURN?

- WHAT?

- INSIDE OF ME RAGES
THE FLAME OF PURE TALENT.

- YEAH, ALL THAT
TALENT AND ALL YOURS.

- OH, DOBIE, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS TALENT IS NOT MINE.

- UH-HUH.
- I AM IT.

- YEAH.

- TALENT ISN'T A
SLAVE. IT'S A MASTER,

AND I MUST GO WHERE IT
LEADS ME, TO THE THEATER.

- WELL, I'LL GO WITH YOU.

- DOBIE, YOU'RE A NICE BOY,

BUT YOU SIMPLY DON'T
HAVE THE DIVINE FIRE.

- MAYBE YOU COULD SET IT.

- DEAR FOOLISH DOBIE,

A TALENT LIKE THIS COMES
ALONG ONCE IN A GENERATION.

THERE WAS SARAH BERNHARDT,

THEN DOOZA, THEN MAUDE ADAMS,

THEN ETHEL BARRYMORE AND NOW ME,

ANNABELLE HUFFAKER.
- YEAH.

OH, ANNABELLE, I'VE
GOT TO BE WITH YOU.

MAYBE I COULD PLAY, LIKE,
A BUTLER OR SOMETHING.

- NO, DOBIE.
- ALL RIGHT.

I'M WILLING TO STAY
IN THE BACKGROUND.

YOU ACT. I'LL WAIT IN THE CAR.

- NO, DOBIE.

- WELL, TELL YOU WHAT,
WE'LL GET MARRIED,

AND I'LL STAY HOME AND
COOK AND KEEP HOUSE,

AND WHEN YOU COME BACK
FROM THE THEATER AT NIGHT

ALL TIRED,

I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU
WITH A NICE CUP OF HOT COCOA

OR SINCE YOU'LL BE A STAR,

A CUP OF HOT CHAMPAGNE,

AND THE HOUSE WILL
BE ALL TIDY AND CLEAN

AND DISHES WASHED.

WHY, I'LL EVEN TAKE
CARE OF THE BABY.

WELL, I'LL EVEN HAVE THE
BABY. I'LL DO ANYTHING.

- DEAR, DEAR DOBIE.

- WOW, WHAT A TURNDOWN. WHOO!

- MAYNARD! MAYNARD, YOU
WERE HIDING BACK THERE!

THAT'S A DESPIC... A
DESPE... THAT'S LOUSY!

- YEAH. HEY?

- OH, MAYNARD.

- DO YOU STILL WANT TO PLAY
THAT PART WITH ANNABELLE?

- YEAH, I WANT IT
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

- ALL RIGHT. I FINALLY
FIGURED OUT A WAY

HOW TO GET RID OF
MILTON ARMITAGE.

- YEAH? WHAT?

POISON MUSHROOMS. GREAT, HUH?

- GREAT.
- I WAS, LIKE,

WATCHING THIS
SWINGING MYSTERY SHOW

THE OTHER NIGHT ON TV, - UH-HUH.

- AND THIS CAT WANTED
TO KILL THIS OTHER CAT, SEE.

- UH-HUH.
- SO HE GOT A BOX

OF POISON MUSHROOMS AND...
- AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS CAT

AFTER HE KILLED THIS OTHER CAT?

- OH, THERE WAS A COMMERCIAL,

AND ALL THESE MEDICINE BOTTLES
WERE MARCHING AROUND, OOH, OOH.

- YEAH, MAYNARD,
AFTER THE COMMERCIALS.

- OH, THEY HUNG THIS CAT

THAT WANTED TO
KILL THIS OTHER CAT.

- UH-HUH.

- OH, YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
- YEAH.

- WELL, BACK TO THE
OLD DRAWING BOARD

- OH, HI, MAYNARD. WHAT'S UP?

- I'VE GOT, LIKE, ANOTHER
IDEA HOW TO GET RID OF MILTON.

- I HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN
THAT POISON MUSHROOM IDEA.

- OH, THIS ONE'S A BEAUT.
- UH-HUH.

- ABSOLUTELY FOOLPROOF.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE ABOUT
FIGHTING ON THE SCHOOL GROUNDS?

- YEAH?
- WELL, YOU START BUGGING MILTON

TILL HE'S NUTTY
AS A CHI CHI BIRD.

FINALLY HE CAN'T
STAND IT ANYMORE.

HE TAKES A SLUG AT YOU.
- MAYNARD.

- HE GETS THROWN
OUT OF THE PLAY,

AND YOU GET THE PART.

- YEAH, I PHONE IT IN
FROM THE HOSPITAL.

- YEAH.
- UH-HUH.

- I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D LIKE IT.
- NO.

GIVE ME A HAND WITH
THIS, WILL YOU, MAYNARD?

NOT ONLY IS MILTON

STATE INTERSCHOLASTIC
HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLING CHAMPION,

BUT HE'S ALSO... [
BLOWS WHISTLE ]

- ALL RIGHT, GROUP.
LET'S GET STARTED.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE,

MILTON AND ANNABELLE, PLEASE.

RUN ALONG NOW.

ALL RIGHT, GROUP.
QUICKLY, PLEASE.

AND QUIET NOW.

THIS IS A REHEARSAL.
- YES.

- QUIET, PLEASE, BACK
HERE. NOW, AT THE START,

LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER
IS STANDING STAGE CENTER

WHEN ANNABELLE ENTERS. HE TURNS.

- LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER, GAYLORD.

- AT YOUR SERVICE.

IT SAYS HERE THAT I
CROSS OVER TO HER,

AND I TAKE HER IN MY
ARMS, AND I KISS HER.

- WELL, NO, THERE
WILL BE NO KISSING

UNTIL THE ACTUAL PERFORMANCE.

YOU JUST CROSS.

- WHAT ABOUT TAKING
HER IN MY ARMS?

- YES, THE VICE PRINCIPAL SAID
HUGGING WOULD BE ALL RIGHT.

- SO LET HIM HUG
THE VICE PRINCIPAL.

COME ON, WE'VE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING.

- ALL RIGHT. ONCE MORE.

- LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER, GAYLORD.

- AT YOUR SERVICE.

- COMING THROUGH, SORRY.

- ALL RIGHT. ONCE MORE.

PICK IT UP FROM
YOUR LINE, ANNABELLE,

AT YOUR ENTRANCE.

- LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER, GAYLORD.

- AT YOUR SERVICE.

- COMING THROUGH.
THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS.

- HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A BROKEN NECK?

- BOYS, BOYS, NOW YOU
ALL KNOW THE PENALTY

FOR FIGHTING.

WE WOULDN'T WANT TO LOSE YOU
FROM THE CAST, NOW, WOULD WE?

- I DON'T THINK WE'LL
HAVE ANY MORE TROUBLE.

GO AWAY.

- ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

- MAYNARD,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN
THAT YANKEE UNIFORM?

- LINCOLN CALLED
FOR VOLUNTEERS, DAD.

- I KNOW, BUT
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

YANKEE SOLDIERS, WE NEED YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, LATER. THEY
JUST FIRED ON FORT SUMTER.

- WELL, GOOD, GOOD.

NOW, WE'RE GOING TO RUN
THROUGH THE FIGHT SCENE

JUST ONCE BEFORE
DRESS REHEARSAL.

NOW, PLACES, EVERYBODY, PLACES.
- YEAH, YEAH.

MISS ERDLATZ, YOU
WANTED THIS RUG?

- OH, YES, YES.

JUST PLACE IT OVER
THIS TRAP DOOR.

WE WOULDN'T WANT ANY
OF OUR PEOPLE STUMBLING

NOW, WOULD WE?

NOW ANYTIME, MILTON, ANYTIME.

- YOU MUST HAVE
KNOWN, MISS LAVINIA,

I'M MAD FOR YOU, MAD, MAD, MAD.

[ KNOCKING ]

- IT'S A YANKEE. STAND
BACK, MISS LAVINIA.

THERE MAY BE BLOODSHED.

- STAY WHERE YOU ARE,
YANKEE. GIVE ME THAT GUN.

I'M WARNING YOU,
IT'S EITHER YOU OR ME.

- OH! GAYLORD!

[ SCREAMS ]

- DROP IT!

- SPARE HIM, GAYLORD!
HE'S UNARMED.

- ALL RIGHT, BUT FIRST,
I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM

A GOOD THRASHING.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.

WISH ME WELL, MISS LAVINIA.
I'M ON MY WAY TO GLORY.

- OH, FINE, SPLENDID, WONDERFUL.

NOW THE KISS AND THEN CURTAIN.

NOW, PLACES, EVERYBODY,
FOR THE FIRST ACT.

PLACES, EVERYBODY. PLACES.

- NO, ON THE
LEVEL. I GOT A PLAN,

AND THIS ONE'S THE MOST.
- WELL, I'M SURE IT IS.

- I NEVER STEERED
YOU WRONG YET, HAVE I?

- YOU NEVER STEERED ME RIGHT.

- OKAY. OKAY.

BUT THIS TIME, I REALLY GOT
THAT BIG SQUARE, MILTON.

- OKAY. OKAY. WHAT'S THE PLAN?

- I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU, LIKE,
IN TWO WORDS: TRAP DOOR.

- TRAP DOOR.

YEAH, TRAP DOOR.
- YEAH, TRAP DOOR.

- YEAH.

READY WITH YOUR LIGHTS.
READY WITH YOUR LIGHTS.

- READY, EVERYBODY,
READY. OH, DEAR ME.

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
NOW PLACES, EVERYBODY,

AND PLACES, MILTON
AND ANNABELLE.

TWO MINUTES! TWO MINUTES!

MAYNARD, CALL DOWN TO THE
DRESSING ROOM TWO MINUTES.

TURN DOWN THE DIMMERS
TO DARK. PLACES, EVERYBODY!

PLACES! PLACES, EVERYBODY!

ALL RIGHT. GET READY.

- BOMBS AWAY.

- CURTAIN.
[ APPLAUSE ]

- LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER, GAYLORD.

LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER, GAYLORD?
- OH!

- LIEUTENANT GAYLORD
CULPEPPER, MISS, AT YOUR SERVICE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- TOLD YOU WE
SHOULD'VE PRACTICED.

LAVINIA.

- OH, LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER,

I DO BELIEVE YOU ARE IN TROUBLE.

OH, HAND ME MY
JASMINE-SCENTED SMELLING SALTS.

MY HEAD GROWS GIDDY,

AND MY PULSE IS RACING.

NO, NO, I MUST CONQUER

MY WEAK WOMANLY
INSTINCTS AND BE STRONG.

- OH, WILL IT HELP OUR DASHING,

GALLANT LIEUTENANT CULPEPPER?

OH, GAYLORD, I
HAVE A PREMONITION

SOMETHING DREADFUL'S
GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

- GET READY FOR YOUR ENTRANCE.

- IT'S TIME I GO, MISS LAVINIA.

GENERAL LEE IS WAITING
ON HIS HORSE, TRAVELER,

BUT FIRST, I MUST
TELL YOU HOW I FEEL.

DON'T LOOK SURPRISED, MY DEAR.

SURELY YOU MUST'VE
KNOWN I'M MAD FOR YOU,

MAD, MAD, MAD.

[ KNOCKS ]

- IT'S A...

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE AT THE DOOR.

- MILTON GOT LOOSE.

- A WHAT?

- YANKEE. STAND
BACK, MISS LAVINIA.

THIS MAY LEAD TO BLOODSHED.

[ KNOCKS ]

- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
MAYBE WE BETTER JUST GO.

GENERAL LEE IS WAITING
ON HIS HORSE, TRAVELER.

- COWARD!

- STAND WHERE YOU ARE.

THAT'S BETTER.

NOW, I'M WARNING YOU, YANKEE.

IT'S ME AND YOU.
- IT'S YOU, BUSTER.

[ GUNSHOT ] [ SCREAMS ]

- CAN'T WE TALK THIS OVER?

- WISH ME WELL, MISS
LAVINIA. I'M ON WAY TO GLORY.

- NO, I'M NOT PRACTICING
EXPRESSIONS AGAIN.

JUST SEEING IF MY
FACE STILL WORKS.

ASIDE FROM THIS,
EVERYTHING'S FINE.

EVERYBODY LIKED THE PLAY.

AS A MATTER OF
FACT, MISS ERDLATZ

HAS ALREADY FINISHED A NEW ONE

ABOUT THESE TWO
POLYNESIANS ON A DESERT ISLAND,

AND THIS GIRL'S SUPPOSED
TO BE SACRIFICED

TO THESE VOLCANO GODS, SEE.

- RONJI, TIME FOR REHEARSAL.

- COMING, UNA-UNA. EXCUSE ME.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪