The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Old Goat - full transcript

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- SAME DOBIE GILLIS, SAME PLACE,

SAME PROBLEM, GIRLS.

NOW, I'M NOT GIRL
CRAZY, YOU UNDERSTAND.

IT'S JUST THAT
HAVING A GIRL MAKES

SO MANY THINGS EASIER TO DO,

LIKE DANCING AND SMOOCHING
AND GETTING MARRIED,

AND GOING TO THE BIG
FOOTBALL GAME SATURDAY.

WEBSTER HIGH HAS BEATEN
US 15 YEARS IN A ROW,

AND THIS YEAR PROBABLY
WON'T BE ANY EXCEPTION.

EITHER WAY, WEBSTER WILL WIN,

AND I WON'T HAVE A DATE.



IT'S ENOUGH TO
DRIVE A MAN TO DRINK.

- [ CHANTING/CHEERING ]

- HI EARTHMEN.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.

- HEY, YOU GOING TO THE
GAME SATURDAY, MAYNARD?

- SURE. YOU GOING?
- SURE.

- YOU THINK THE TEAM'S GOING?

- HEY, THAT'S NO
ATTITUDE TO TAKE.

- WE'RE GOING TO WIN THIS
YEAR, AREN'T WE, DOBIE?

- YOU'RE DARN RIGHT.

I CAN JUST HEAR US SINGING
THAT OLD VICTORY SONG.

- WHAT WE NEED IS,
LIKE, A DEFEAT SONG.

♪ WE'RE GONNA LOSE,
IT AIN'T NO NEWS ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA LOSE,
WE GOT THE BLUES ♪

- KNOCK IT OFF.

- WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
WHAT'S ON THE FLIP SIDE.

♪ OH, WE GOT BEAT,
IT AIN'T NO TREAT ♪

- KNOCK IT OFF.

- WELL, WELL, I SEE THE JET
FROM HEAVEN JUST LANDED.

ANGEL, HAVE I ASKED YOU
TO GO TO THE GAME WITH ME?

- TWICE.

- WHAT DID YOU SAY?

- NO. NO.

- OH. OH.

- BUT YOU CAN BUY
ME A SODA IF YOU LIKE.

- OH, I'M BROKE.

BUT I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT YOU WANTED ME TO.

- ALL THROUGH WITH THESE, BOYS?

- CHARLIE, YOU'VE
BEEN HERE FOR YEARS.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHEN
CENTRAL BEAT WEBSTER?

- TERRIFIC.

WHAT A PARTY WE HAD HERE.

I GAVE EVERYBODY A
SODA ON THE HOUSE.

- YEAH. WELL, DON'T WORRY,
YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN.

- WORRY? IT WOULD
BE MY PLEASURE.

FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I
CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WE'VE HAD GOOD TEAMS.

WE BEAT OTHER SCHOOLS,

BUT EVERY TIME WE MEET
WEBSTER WE SEEM TO BE JINXED.

THEY'VE GOT THE
INDIAN SIGN ON US.

WHY WE CAN'T GET THE
INDIAN SIGN ON THEM?

- YOU KNOW, CHARLIE MIGHT
HAVE SOMETHING THERE.

BUT WITH THEIR LUCK,
HOW WE ARE GOING

TO PUT AN INDIAN SIGN ON THEM?

- MAYBE LIKE GETTING A BLACK
CAT TO DIVE IN THEIR WATER BUCKET.

- WAIT A MINUTE. I
JUST GOT A FLASH.

FELLOWS, SUMMIT MEETING.

- WHAT'S THE FLASH, DOBIE?

- JUST BEFORE THE GAME,

WHAT DOES EVERY WEBSTER
PLAYER RUB HIS HANDS OVER?

- THEIR MASCOT'S HEAD.
- RIGHT.

THEY FIGURE THAT'S
WHAT BRINGING THEM LUCK,

RUBBING THEIR HANDS
OVER THE GOAT'S HEAD.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO DO?

- CUT OFF THEIR HANDS.

- WE'RE GOING TO
STEAL THEIR GOAT.

- DOBIE, I BOW TO GENIUS.
WITHOUT THEIR MASCOT,

THEIR GOOD LUCK CHARM,
THEIR MORALE WILL BE SHATTERED.

- OH, SLOW DOWN, CATS. UNWIND.

SOME FELLOWS TRIED THAT
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,

AND THOSE WEBSTER GUYS
CAUGHT 'EM AND CLOBBERED 'EM.

- SURE. BUT THAT'S
BECAUSE THEY WERE CLUMSY.

THEY BUNGLED THE JOB.

NOW, WE'RE GONNA CASE THE SETUP

AND PLAN EVERY ANGLE,

SPLIT SECOND
TIMING, ORGANIZATION.

I'M TELLING YOU
WE'VE CLEVER ENOUGH

TO PULL THIS CAPER
OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.

- IF WE'RE THAT CLEVER,
LET'S FORGET THE GOAT

AND, LIKE, KNOCK OVER A BANK.

- THIS IS NO TIME FOR
CLOWNING, CLOWN.

- NOW NOW, LOOK.
THEY KEEP THE GOAT

IN THEIR AGRICULTURAL
DEPARTMENT, RIGHT HERE.

AND THEY'LL HAVE A
COUPLE OF GUYS GUARDING IT.

NOW, WE'LL GO OVER
AND CASE THE PLACE

THIS AFTERNOON.

THEN TONIGHT I'LL
GET MY FATHER'S CAR

AND WE'LL PARK IT OVER
HERE ON THE BACK ROAD.

I FIGURE THE BEST
TIME TO STRIKE'S

AROUND 10:00.

[ GATE SQUEAKS ]

- WHAT WAS THAT?

- TURN THAT THING
OFF, I CAN'T HEAR.

I THOUGHT I HEARD A NOISE.

I BETTER GO CHECK.

- SIT DOWN, YOU CAN CHECK LATER.

COME ON, IT'S YOUR TURN.

IT'S PROBABLY THE GOAT.

- HOW YOU DOING?

- WORKING LIKE A CHARM.

- CRAZY, THAT CARROT BIT.

- GOT IT MADE.

- OH, YOU HOOKED
HIM. REEL HIM IN.

YOU GOT, LIKE, JUST STRING, MAN.

THE GOAT'S GOT THE CARROT.

- LUCKY WE PLANNED
FOR SUCH AN EMERGENCY.

GIVE ME THE OTHER CARROT.

I SAID GIVE ME THE OTHER CARROT.

THE OTHER CARROT, WHERE IS IT?

- I ATE IT.

- I'M NOT MENTIONING ANY NAMES,

BUT SOMEBODY GOOFED.

WE HAVE TO GO ONTO
PLAN NUMBER 2, GWENDOLYN.

- OKAY, HORTENSE.

HORTENSE, ARE YOU SURE

THE FELLOWS SAID
THEY'D MEET US HERE?

- YES. SOMETHING MUST
HAVE HAPPENED TO THEM,

GWENDOLYN.

- MAYBE THEY
COULDN'T GET THE CAR.

- WHAT A SHAME.

AND IT'S SUCH A LOVELY NIGHT.

- WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

- I'LL TAKE HORTENSE.

I LOVE THOSE CHICKS WITH
THE LOW-PITCHED VOICE.

- THIS YEAR YOU'RE
GOING TO BRING US LUCK.

- I STILL DON'T SEE WHY WE
GOTTA KEEP HIM IN MY ROOM.

THIS AIN'T NO STABLE.
- MAYNARD...

- WE COULD CLEAN IT UP
AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE ONE.

- WHY DON'T WE, LIKE,
KEEP IT IN YOUR ROOM,

OR YOUR ROOM?

- BECAUSE WE HAVE
OUR ROOMS IN THE HOUSE.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN
PRIVATE ROOM OUT IN BACK HERE.

- I THINK I'M GOING TO WRITE
THE MAYOR ABOUT THIS PLACE

SO HE CAN TEAR IT
DOWN AND PUT UP A SLUM.

- PLEASE. THIS ROOM
REFLECTS MY PERSONALITY,

AND I AIN'T PUTTING
ANY GOAT IN HERE.

- MAYNARD, LOOK AT THAT BRUSH.

HOW CAN YOU TURN
AWAY A FELLOW BEATNIK?

AND BESIDES, IT'S FOR
GOOD OLD CENTRAL.

- I'M, LIKE, TOUCHED. HE STAYS.

- GOOD MAN.

FELLOWS, WE'RE ALL
TO BE CONGRATULATED.

- A JOB WELL DONE.
- YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I KIND OF FEEL
SORRY FOR THOSE GUARDS.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE
THEM WHEN THE SCHOOL

FINDS OUT THE MASCOT'S MISSING.

- SAVE YOUR SYMPATHY, BOY.

REMEMBER, THEY'RE WEBSTERITES.

- YEAH. NOW...
- [ CRUNCHING ]

HEY! AH,

THIS CAT'S EATING
ONE OF MY RECORDS.

A STAN KENTON RECORD.

LOOK, BIG DADDY, IF THIS STUFF'S

IN YOUR REGULAR DIET,

I'LL GET YOU, LIKE, A WHOLE
STACK OF LAWRENCE WELK, HUH?

- NOW, LOOK, FELLAS.

WE'VE GOT TO PLAY
THIS COOL AND CAUTIOUS.

NOT A WORD TO ANYBODY
THAT WE'VE PULLED A CAPER.

- WHY SHOULDN'T WE TAKE CREDIT?

- WE'LL TAKE CREDIT
AFTER THE GAME.

IF WE START POPPING OFF NOW,

SOMEBODY'S LIABLE TO BLAB,

AND WORD WILL GET
BACK TO WEBSTER.

- SO?

- SO IF THEY KNOW WE DID IT,

THEY'LL COME LOOKING FOR US,

TRY TO MAKE US TALK,

TELL THEM WHERE WE HID THE GOAT.

- BEAT ME, WHIP ME,

STICK PINS IN ME. I'M HUSH-HUSH.

- MY LIPS ARE SEALED.

- WE'LL TAKE A PLEDGE.

WE SOLEMNLY SWEAR
NOT TO TELL A LIVING SOUL

THAT WE HAD ANYTHING TO DO

WITH THE KIDNAPPING OF THE
GOAT. NOT A WORD TO ANYONE.

[ GOAT BAA-ING ]

AND YOU KEEP YOUR
MOUTH SHUT TOO.

- HEY, FELLAS, HAVE
YOU HEARD THE NEWS?

- WHAT NEWS?

- WEBSTER'S MASCOT IS MISSING.

SOMEBODY STOLE THE GOAT.

- WHO COULD HAVE PERPETRATED
A DASTARDLY CRIME LIKE THAT?

- MY, MY, DELINQUENCY
IS RAMPANT.

- YEAH.

- HEY, YOU GUYS
FLIPPED OR SOMETHING?

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

THIS WILL BREAK
THEIR LUCKY STREAK.

WITHOUT THEIR MASCOT,
THEY'LL BE NOTHING.

- COOL, MAN.

DID THIS THOUGHT
EVER OCCUR TO YOU,

CLOSE CHUM DOBIE?

- THE THOUGHT NEVER
ENTERED MY MIND.

- WE FINALLY GOT
A CHANCE TO WIN.

I'M SPREADING THE WORD AROUND,

SO I'LL DIG YOU
GUYS LATER, OKAY?

- HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?

- WE JUST GOT THE
FLASH FROM TED.

- NOW MAYBE WE'LL WIN.

WE PUT THE INDIAN SIGN ON THEM.

OH, BOY, DO I HAVE A BIG TREAT

FOR THE BOYS WHO STOLE THE GOAT.

- YEAH?

- NOTHING IN HIS PLACE
IS TOO GOOD FOR THEM.

THEY GET EGG FOO CHERRY
FRAPPE ON THE HOUSE.

- OH, THE MOST. WHAT IF I SAID,

LIKE, WE STOLE THE GOAT?

- IF YOU SAID YOU
STOLE THE GOAT,

I'D SAY YOU WERE TRYING TO GET
A FREE EGG FOO CHERRY FRAPPE.

NOW,

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
THAT YOU CAN PAY FOR?

- ONE ROOT BEER, SMALL.

MAYNARD, THE PLEDGE.

- I'M WITH IT.
- WELL, STAY WITH IT.

- IMAGINE, STEALING
THEIR MASCOT.

- I WONDER WHO DID IT?
- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT WHOEVER IT WAS, WHAT A MAN.

- OH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

- YOU KNOW HOW CLOSELY
THEY GUARD THAT MASCOT.

WHOEVER FIGURED
OUT HOW TO STEAL IT

MUST HAVE BEEN A GENIUS.

- LOLA, HAVE YOU HEARD?
- HAVE I?

WHY, THE WHOLE
SCHOOL'S BUZZING ABOUT IT.

ISN'T IT THE DREAMIEST?

- WELL, DO YOU KNOW WHO DID IT?

- NO. BUT I'D GIVE
ANYTHING TO FIND OUT.

HE'D BE MY KIND OF MAN.

A MAN OF INGENUITY,
DASHING, DAUNTLESS,

FEARLESS.

- WHAT A DATE.

- I'D GO OUT WITH HIM EVEN
IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR.

- A CAR? OH, I'M SURE
HE HAS A WHITE HORSE.

OH, HOW I'D LOVE TO GO TO
THE GAME WITH HIM TOMORROW,

AND ON A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.

- LOLA, I HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

- WHAT?

- SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

- WELL?

♪ OH, A MAN DON'T HEDGE
WHEN HE TAKES THE PLEDGE ♪

♪ GET A BIG FIRM GRIP
AND ZIP YOUR LIP ♪

- I'M WAITING.

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?

- LOLA, YOUR EYES

ARE LIKE TWO TEASPOONFULS
OF THE MEDITERRANEAN.

- DOBIE GILLIS, YOU'RE
GETTING KOOKIER EVERY DAY.

LET'S GO OVER TO FELICIA'S.

IF ANYBODY'S FOUND OUT
WHO STOLE WEBSTER'S MASCOT,

YOU CAN BET IT WILL BE FELICIA.
- ALL RIGHT.

- LOLA WANTS ME,

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S ME.

THEY ALL WANT ME, BUT
THEY DON'T KNOW IT'S ME.

GIRLS, LUSCIOUS,
CREAMY CREATURES.

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT GIRLS.

- THE SAME WAY I FEEL
ABOUT STAN KENTON.

- MAYNARD, DON'T A GIRL'S
LIPS MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

- IF THEY CAN PLAY
A HOT TRUMPET,

I'LL LISTEN. I'LL LISTEN.

- FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
MY LIFE I CAN HAVE MY PICK.

FAT LOT OF GOOD IT DOES ME.

HERE I AM, DASHING,
DAUNTLESS, FEARLESS,

A HERO ON A WHITE HORSE.

- YOU AT LEAST
GOT A WHITE HORSE.

I'M STUCK WITH A GOAT.

- BUT DIDN'T YOU GET A CHANCE

TO SEE WHAT ANY
OF THEM LOOKED LIKE?

- WELL, IT HAPPENED SO FAST.

WE WENT OUT TO MAKE TIME
WITH THESE CHICKS, YOU SEE.

- CHICKS? YOU GUYS OUT TO
HAVE YOUR HEADS EXAMINED.

NOW, LOOK, FELLAS.

THERE MUST BE A
CLUE WE CAN GO BY.

WHEN THEY FLEW THE
BLANKETS OVER YOU,

YOU MUST HAVE
STRUGGLED A LITTLE.

YOU MUST HAVE GRABBED THEM.

WELL, WHAT WERE THEY WEARING?

WERE THEY SHORT OR TALL,

CREW CUT OR LONG HAIR, OR...

- WAIT A MINUTE.
- WHAT? WHAT?

- WELL, I GOT MY HAND
UNDER THIS GUY'S CHIN

TO PUSH HIM AWAY,

AND WHEN I DID, I
THINK I FELT A BEARD.

- YOU THINK YOU FELT A BEARD?

- I'M SURE IT WAS
KIND OF LIKE A BEARD.

SORT OF SCRAGGLY, HEAVY FUZZ.

- MAYNARD KREBS.

HE'S THE ONLY GUY OVER THERE

THAT'S GOT A BEARD.
IT'S GOT TO BE MAYNARD.

- SO HE'S THE BRAINS
THAT PULLED THIS OFF.

- I CAN SEE YOU
DON'T KNOW MAYNARD.

THE ONLY BRAIN MAYNARD'S
GOT IS DOBIE GILLIS,

HIS SIDEKICK.

- OKAY. LET'S ROUND
UP THE FELLAS

AND MOVE IN ON THEM.

- HOLD IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PRINCIPAL
SAID ABOUT ROUGH STUFF.

- I WILL NOT TOLERATE
ANY VIOLENCE WHATSOEVER

IN THE MASCOT INCIDENT.

- BESIDES, GIVING
THEM THEIR LUMPS

ISN'T GOING TO GET
OUR MASCOT BACK.

WHAT WE HAVE TO FIND OUT
IS WHERE THEY HAVE THE GOAT

STASHED AWAY.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

AT LEAST WE KNOW
WHO ENGINEERED IT.

NOW WE HAVE TO GET
THEM TO TALK, BUT HOW?

- I'VE GOT IT.

THIS DOBIE GILLIS,
WHAT'S HIS WEAKNESS?

WOMEN.

NOW, IF WE CAN GET
SOME GOOD-LOOKING GAL

TO COZY UP TO HIM...

- DARLING, IF YOU WANT ME TO
DRIVE YOU OVER TO THE FIELD,

I WISH YOU'D HURRY UP.

- OH, OKAY, HONEY. JUST A...

- GIRLS. THEY ALL WANT ME,

BUT THEY DON'T KNOW IT'S ME.

- YOUR NEEDLE'S,
LIKE, STUCK, BIG DADDY.

YOU'VE BEEN SAYING
THAT, LIKE, ALL DAY.

- HOW MUCH CAN A MAN TAKE?

- OH, COOL IT, CHUM.

AFTER THE GAME TOMORROW
YOU WON'T BE STUCK

WITH THE PLEDGE.
YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN.

- YEAH. I THINK A LONG
WALK WILL DO ME GOOD.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER, MAYNARD.

- HEY, IF A GOAT
ANSWERS, DON'T HANG UP.

- HE'S, LIKE, TAKEN
OVER THE PLACE.

[ WOLF WHISTLES ]

- YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

- FOR A FELLOW WHO
WALKS BACKWARD,

YOU'RE PRETTY FORWARD.

- YOU'RE A LIVING DOLL.

YOU'RE THE MAXIMUM.

I HAD TO SAY IT.

I HAVE A COMPULSION
TO SAY PRETTY THINGS

TO PRETTY THINGS.

- YOUNG MAN...
- I KNOW.

I KNOW. YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY IT.

I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE
AND CRAWL BACK INTO MY SHELL.

- THIS SHELL OF YOURS,
IS THERE ROOM FOR TWO?

- DID YOU SAY ROOM FOR TWO?

- WON'T YOU JOIN ME?

- I'D JOIN YOU IF I
HAD TO FIGHT MY WAY

THROUGH
CROCODILE-INFESTED WATERS.

MY NAME'S DOBIE
GILLIS. WHAT'S YOURS?

- VIVIENNE.

VIVIENNE BARDOT.

- OH, VIVIENNE BARDOT.

I'LL TEAR IT OUT
OF THE PHONE BOOK

AND TREASURE IT ALWAYS.

- I NEVER DREAMED I'D FIND A MAN

LIKE YOU IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

- OH, I COME IN
HERE ALL THE TIME.

I GO TO CENTRAL HIGH.

- YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE
A SCHOOLBOY TO ME.

YOU LOOK SO MUCH MORE MATURE.

- WELL, I'VE BEEN
SHAVING FOR 13 MONTHS.

WHERE DO YOU GO?

- LET'S JUST SAY I'M A
WOMAN OF THE WORLD.

- OH.

- SHALL WE HAVE
ONE FOR THE ROAD?

- ROAD? WHERE ARE WE GOING?

- LET'S LEAVE THESE CHILDREN

AND GO SOMEPLACE.

SOMEPLACE WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE.

- I KNOW JUST THE SPOT.

- AH, YOU'VE REALLY
LIVED. SINGAPORE,

CAIRO, CASABLANCA,

MOUNT RUSHMORE
NATIONAL MONUMENT.

YOU'VE TOLD ME
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

- I FELT THAT I SHOULD.

YOU AND I AREN'T GOING
TO HAVE ANY SECRETS

FROM EACH OTHER, ARE WE, DOBIE?

- I SHOULD SAY NOT.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY SECRET?

SOMETHING THAT YOU
WOULDN'T TELL ANYBODY ELSE,

BUT YOU'D TELL ME?

- WHY, NO.

- NO SECRETS IN YOUR PAST?

- WELL, I HAVE NO PAST.

I WAS BORN THE MINUTE I MET YOU.

I LOVE YOU. LET'S GO STEADY.

- BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BE
SURE YOU'RE MY KIND OF MAN.

- WHAT IS YOUR KIND OF MAN?

- A MAN WHO STANDS
OUT FROM THE CROWD,

A LEADER,

SOMEONE WITH
IMAGINATION AND DARING.

LIKE A MAN

WHO WOULD STEAL
WEBSTER'S MASCOT.

THAT'S THE KIND OF
MAN I'D LIKE TO MEET.

- HOW DO YOU DO?

- DOBIE, YOU?

NO WONDER I FOUND
YOU SO FASCINATING

FROM THE START.

IMAGINE KIDNAPPING A GOAT.

- YEAH.

- I BET IT TOOK REAL GENIUS TO
FIGURE OUT WHERE TO HIDE IT.

- IT TOOK A LITTLE
FIGURING, ALL RIGHT.

AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHERE WE HAVE HIM HIDDEN.

- YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TELL ME, DOBIE.

I'M SURE IT'S A BIG SECRET.

- WE'RE NOT GOING
TO HAVE ANY SECRETS

FROM EACH OTHER. REMEMBER?

WE HAVE HIM HIDDEN IN
MAYNARD KREBS'S ROOM

IN BACK OF HIS HOUSE
AT 1343 SOUTH ELM DRIVE.

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO TELL ME, DOBIE.

WHY SHOULD I CARE
WHERE YOU HID THE GOAT?

1343?

- ELM DRIVE.

- SOUTH?
- UH-HUH.

- WELL, SEE YOU LATER, DOBIE.

- WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I HAVE TO BE HOME AT 9:30.

- BUT YOU'RE A
WOMAN OF THE WORLD.

- I KNOW. BUT MY
MOTHER WILL KILL ME.

- HI, DOBIE.

- OH, HI, TED.

TED, I WANT YOU TO
MEET MY NEW GIRL.

TED NELSON, VIVIENNE BARDOT.

- HI.

- PLEASED TO MEET
YOU. AU REVOIR, DOBIE.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

WHEN AM I GOING
TO SEE YOU AGAIN?

- TOMORROW NIGHT,
SAME TIME, SAME PLACE.

- HER NAME'S NOT BARDOT.

- I KNOW.

SHE'S VIVIENNE CHANDLER.

SHE GOES WITH
WEBSTER'S FULLBACK.

SHE'S A SPY, AND
I BETTER GO FIND

ANOTHER PLACE TO HIDE THE GOAT.

- THE GOAT?

YOU STOLE THEIR MASCOT?

PUT HER THERE, PAL.
- SAVE IT.

I GOTTA MAKE SURE
THEY DON'T GET IT BACK.

- HEY, BUT DOBIE,

IF YOU KNEW SHE WAS A SPY,
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO TELL HER?

- IT'S MY WEAKNESS.

I CAN'T RESIST
IRRESISTIBLE GIRLS.

- YEAH. BUT DID YOU
HAVE TO TELL HER

THE REAL HIDING PLACE?

- IF SHE FOUND
OUT I LIED TO HER,

SHE MIGHT NEVER TRY TO GET
ANOTHER SECRET OUT OF ME.

- WE'RE, LIKE, IN
BIG TROUBLE, DOBE.

WHERE ARE WE GOING TO HIDE HIM?

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT
WE BETTER THINK

OF SOMEPLACE FAST,
AND KEEP IT DOWN.

MY FATHER'S A LIGHT SLEEPER.

UH-OH.

GOOD EVENING, OFFICER.

- HI, FELLAS.

JUST A MINUTE.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

- WHERE?

- UNDER THAT BLANKET.

- WELL, THAT'S MY DOG.

- YEAH, HIS DOG. COME ON, ROVER.

- HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
WHAT'S HE DOING

COVERED UP LIKE THAT?

- WELL, HE'S SICK.

WE'RE TAKING HIM TO A DOCTOR.
- YEAH, DOCTOR.

- WELL, ISN'T HE KIND
OF BIG FOR A DOG?

- YEAH, NOT FOR A BIG DOG.
- NO.

- I THINK I'LL TAKE A LOOK
UNDER THAT BLANKET.

- PLEASE, HE'S VERY MODEST.

- OH, SICK DOG, HUH?

- OH, VERY SICK.

WE'RE TAKING HIM TO,
LIKE, A PSYCHIATRIST.

HE THINKS HE'S A GOAT.

- DOES HE, LIKE, THINK
HE'S WEBSTER'S MASCOT?

SO YOU'RE THE FELLAS
WHO STOLE HIM, HUH?

- WE REALLY DIDN'T
STEAL HIM, OFFICER.

WE WERE GOING TO TAKE
HIM BACK AFTER THE GAME.

- IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING THAT
BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE,

IT'S STEALING.

HOW COME YOU'RE WALKING
HIM AROUND THE STREETS?

- WELL, WEBSTER FOUND OUT
WHERE WE HAD HIM HIDDEN.

- YEAH. WE'RE TRYING TO FIND
ANOTHER PLACE TO STASH HIM.

- YOU'RE TAKING HIM
RIGHT BACK TO WEBSTER.

- WELL, THERE GOES OUR CHANCE.

- ALL RIGHT. WHAT
ARE YOUR NAMES?

- DOBIE GILLIS.

THIS IS MY FATHER'S
STORE. I LIVE UPSTAIRS.

- MAYNARD KREBS.

- CONGRATULATIONS,
FELLAS, I'M CHUCK WINTERS.

- CHUCK WINTERS?

- SAY, DIDN'T YOU GO TO
CENTRAL A FEW YEARS AGO?

- I PLAYED HALFBACK FOR
CENTRAL 15 YEARS AGO.

- YEAH.
- LAST TIME WE BEAT THOSE BUMS.

- CRAZY, MAN.

- BUT MR. WINTERS, DON'T
YOU WANT CENTRAL TO WIN?

WHY ARE MAKING US
TAKE THE MASCOT BACK?

- LOOKING FOR ANOTHER
HIDING PLACE, AREN'T YOU?

- YEAH. BUT, I
STILL DON'T SEE...

- IF WE CAN GET HIM BACK
WITHOUT ANYONE SEEING US,

AND PUT HIM IN HIS PEN,
WHO'S GOING TO THINK

OF LOOKING FOR A MISSING
GOAT IN HIS OWN PEN?

- YEAH. YEAH.

NOBODY LOOKS IN THE SAFE AGAIN

AFTER THE MONEY IS STOLEN.
- RIGHT.

- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, FOR A COP

YOU'RE A REAL COOL CHARACTER.

- OKAY, FELLAS.

LET'S GET THIS BLANKET
BACK OVER THAT SICK DOG

AND HURRY UP, HUH?
- YEAH.

AND HERE'S THE MAN
THAT MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE.

- YAY!

- DOBIE, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
- OH, WHAT A MAN.

- DOBIE, YOU'LL GO DOWN
IN CENTRAL'S HALL OF FAME.

- THANKS, LOLA. OH, TED.

TED, YOU'RE A GOOD PAL OF MINE,

BUT WOULD YOU MIND GETTING LOST?

YOU'RE TAKING UP A PLACE
WHERE A GIRL COULD BE.

- AREN'T WE LUCKY,
GIRLS? NOT ONLY A HERO,

BUT A HANDSOME HERO.

- OH, YEAH.

- WHAT DO YOU NEED
WITH ALL THESE GIRLS?

- OH, YEAH, GIRLS. DON'T FORGET

MAYNARD WAS IN ON
THIS WITH ME AND RANDY.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE A HERO TOO.

- HEY, CUT IT OUT.

I HEAR THAT STUFF'S
HABIT-FORMING.

- DOBIE, WHO YOU GOING
TO TAKE TO THE GAME?

- I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU.
- OH.

- AND YOU,

AND YOU, AND YOU, AND
YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU!

- [ CHEERING ]

- WANT ME TO GET YOU
ANOTHER HOT DOG, DOBIE?

- WANT YOU SOME MORE POP?
- HERE, HAVE SOME OF MINE.

- WHO YOU GOING TO TAKE

TO THE VICTORY
DANCE TONIGHT, DOBIE?

I'M A VERY GOOD DANCER.

- OH, I'M A MUCH BETTER
DANCER THAN SHE IS.

- I'M NOT MUCH OF A DANCER,
BUT I'M SOME SITTER-OUTTER.

- GIRLS, GIRLS, PLEASE.

IF YOU CAN TEAR YOUR
EYES AWAY FROM ME,

YOU'D BETTER WATCH THE GAME.

WE'RE KICKING OFF TO WEBSTER.

- BUT WHICH ONE OF US
ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE?

- THE WINNER WILL BE
ANNOUNCED AFTER THE GAME.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CENTRAL IS KICKING OFF.

- HEY, DOBIE.

I WAS JUST SNOOPING AROUND
WEBSTER'S DRESSING ROOM.

MAN, THEY'RE MAD. IN FACT,
THEY'RE, LIKE, FIGHTING MADE.

THEY JUST TOOK A SECRET OATH

TO CLOBBER US FOR
STEALING THEIR MASCOT.

- OH, TALK. JUST TALK.

- YOU. IT WAS YOUR IDEA
TO STEAL THEIR MASCOT.

- OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS.

- YOU BENEDICT ARNOLD.

YOU SENT OUR TEAM
OUT TO BE SLAUGHTERED.

- GOON.
- GOOF.

- I SAID IT BEFORE,
AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

YOU'RE JUST PLAIN KOOKY.

♪ DOBIE ♪

- DOBIE?

- HM? YEAH.

ONLY GIVE ME MY FULL
TITLE, DOBIE GILLIS, EX-HERO.

- HUH?
- THIS AFTERNOON

I WAS THE MOST
POPULAR BOY IN SCHOOL.

TONIGHT I'M ALONE
AND FRIENDLESS.

I COULDN'T EVEN GET
A DATE FOR THE DANCE.

WELL, SIT DOWN, MAYNARD.

AT LEAST THERE'S TWO OF US.

- THREE OF US.
- HUH?

- WEBSTER FIGURES THEY
CAN DO BETTER WITHOUT HIM.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪