The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 5 - Maynard's Farewell to the Troops - full transcript

- I'M TAKING LATIN IN SCHOOL,

AND I CAN TELL YOU WHY THE
ROMAN EMPIRE DECLINED AND FELL.

IT'S BECAUSE IT TAKES ALL
DAY TO SAY ANYTHING IN LATIN.

I MEAN, IF YOUR
HOUSE IS ON FIRE,

ATTILA THE HUN IS AT THE GATES,

AND YOU'VE GOT TO STOP
AND THINK OF TENSES,

CASES AND CONJUGATIONS
BEFORE YOU CAN CALL FOR HELP,

BROTHER, YOU'RE DEAD.

BUT IN THEIR SLOW WAY,

THE ROMANS USED TO GET OFF A
GOOD ONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

TAKE THIS GUY
CASSIUS, FOR INSTANCE.



HE SAID, "AMICO FIRMO NIHIL

EMI MELIUS POTEST."

THIS MEANS NOTHING
CAN BE PURCHASED

WHICH IS BETTER
THAN A FIRM FRIEND.

NOW, THAT'S A FACT.

YOU TAKE MY BUDDY MAYNARD
KREBS. THERE NOW IS A FIRM FRIEND.

MAYNARD WILL DO ANYTHING FOR
ME. SOMETIMES I WISH HE WOULDN'T.

- HEY, BIG DADDY.
- HELLO, MAYNARD.

WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TODAY?
- I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

- ALL DAY LONG?

- IT MAY TAKE ALL DAY.
- OKAY, GOOD BUDDY. WHAT'S UP?

- TELL ME SOMETHING, MAYNARD.

I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE
THREE AND A HALF HOURS

WAITING FOR THALIA MENNINGER.
DID YOU GIVE HER THE NOTE?



- SURE.
- WHAT'D SHE SAY?

- SHE SAID... I DON'T,
LIKE, REMEMBER.

- LOOK, MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.

I GAVE YOU A NOTE YESTERDAY
TO DELIVER TO THALIA, REMEMBER?

- SURE. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

- MAYNARD, IF THE
NOTE'S IN YOUR POCKET,

THEN YOU DIDN'T GIVE
IT TO THALIA, DID YOU?

- GOOD THINKING.
- MAYNARD.

SO WHAT DO WE DO TODAY, MAN?

- WE'LL DO NOTHING
TODAY OR TOMORROW

OR THE NEXT DAY, MAYNARD.

- YOU SORE, DOB?

- NO. NO. NO. I'M
NOT SORE, MAYNARD.

IT'S JUST THAT I NEED A
LITTLE VACATION FROM YOU.

LOOK, GO SOMEWHERE,
PLEASE, MAYNARD.

I LOVE YOU, BUT
YOU'RE DRIVING ME APE.

I'VE GOT TO HAVE SOME TIME OFF.

- OH, WHERE WILL I GO?

- WHY DON'T YOU GO
TO THE RECORD STORE

AND LISTEN TO SOME JAZZ?

- HEY, COOL, POPS.

[ MAYNARD SCATTING ]

- LIKE, NO, DADDY-O.
- LIKE, WHAT, RIFF?

- LIKE, DON'T COME IN THE STORE.
- LIKE, WHY?

- LOOK, MAYNARD, I LIKE,
LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT.

- LIKE, THANKS.

- YEAH. BUT, LIKE, YOU
CAN'T HANG HERE NO MORE.

I MEAN, TAKE YOUR BUSINESS,
LIKE, ELSEWHERE, YOU DIG?

- WHAT'D I, LIKE, DO?

- MAYNARD, I SELL,
LIKE, NEW RECORDS.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH
PLAYING THEM RECORDS

LIKE 2, 300 TIMES, MAN,

I'M, LIKE, IN THE
SECONDHAND BUSINESS.

IT'S PIERCING.

I MEAN, YOU'RE, LIKE,
SOMETHING ELSE, MAN.

YOU'RE COOL AND YOU'RE HIP
AND YOU'RE DIG AND LIKE THAT,

BUT, MAN, I GOT, LIKE, A
WIFE AND KID TO SUPPORT.

I HATE TO LOWER THE BOOM ON
YOU, DAD, BUT IT'S A DEFINITE SPLIT.

I MEAN, DON'T COME BACK NO MORE.

- THAT'S, LIKE, ROUGH, RIFF.
- WHAT CAN I, LIKE, DO, MAYNARD?

I MEAN, I TOOK A LOOK
AT THAT DIZ ALBUM

WHEN YOU GOT THROUGH
WITH IT THE OTHER DAY,

AND THERE WERE NO
GROOVES LEFT ON IT AT ALL.

IT WAS A FULL SMOOTH.

BE A PAL, MAYNARD.
FLAKE OFF, HUH?

- WHERE WILL I, LIKE, GO?
- LIKE, SCHOOL?

- YEAH. I GUESS I CAN.
I'LL BE, LIKE, SEEING YOU.

- MAYNARD, NO. LIKE, PLEASE.

- HE MANAGED TO
ARRIVE AT A FRANK

AND EVEN NOBLE ELOQUENCE,
A PLAIN BUT PERSUASIVE POWER.

- [ BELL RINGING ]

- CLASS DISMISSED.

- NOW, DOB, NOW?
- NO, MAYNARD. NOT YET.

- MAYNARD?

- YEAH, BIG DADDY?
I MEAN, YES, SIR.

- THAT'S BETTER.

MAYNARD, I'VE BEEN
WANTING TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT THIS EXAMINATION PAPER.

- YEAH, IT FIGURES.

- THE QUESTION IF YOU'LL RECALL
WAS WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION,

IS THE MOST MOVING
LYRIC EVER WRITTEN?

MAYNARD, THERE IS, OF COURSE,

ROOM FOR A WIDE
VARIETY OF OPINION BUT...

WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN?

- IT REALLY IS.

♪ OH WHEN THE SAINTS,
GO MARCHING IN... ♪

- MAYNARD!

I'VE THOUGHT LONG AND HARD
ABOUT YOUR CASE, MAYNARD,

AND I MUST CONFESS
MYSELF COMPLETELY BAFFLED.

- YOU WANT ME TO
STAY AFTER SCHOOL?

- HEAVEN FORFEND.

- I GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
- FIND SOMETHING.

- LIKE, WHAT?

- LIKE CHARLIE WONG'S
ICE CREAM PARLOR.

ISN'T THAT WHERE YOUR COLLEAGUES
FOREGATHER OF AN AFTERNOON?

- YEAH. GOOD THINKING, MAN.
- THANK YOU.

- ♪ LOTS OF LAND UNDER
STARRY SKIES ABOVE ♪

♪ DON'T FENCE ME IN ♪

♪ LET ME RIDE THROUGH THE
WIDE OPEN COUNTRY THAT I LOVE ♪

♪ DON'T FENCE ME IN ♪
- DON'T FENCE ME IN?

OH, HOW SQUARE CAN YOU GET?

- [ JAZZ PIANO MUSIC ]

- HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TOLD YOU?

- AIN'T YOU GOT A SOUL, MAN?

THIS IS THE COOLEST,
REAL PROGRESSIVE.

- I KNOW IT'S REAL PROGRESSIVE.
- I'LL PLAY SOME MORE, HUH?

- NO MORE.
- HOW COME?

- BECAUSE WHEN YOU
PLAY NOBODY SINGS,

AND WHEN THEY DON'T SING,
THEY DON'T GET THIRSTY.

WHEN THEY DON'T GET THIRSTY,

THEY DON'T ORDER
MALTS AND SODAS.

AND WHEN THEY DON'T
ORDER MALTS AND SODAS,

CHARLIE WONG IS OUT OF BUSINESS.

- OH, I'M, LIKE,
DISAPPOINTED, CHARLIE.

- I'M, LIKE, OFF 40% SINCE
YOU STARTED COMING IN HERE.

- YOU DON'T DIG ME.

- MAYNARD, I DIG YOU
THE MOST. BUT GO.

- GO, LIKE, WHERE?
- GO, LIKE, HOME.

YOU DO LIVE
SOMEPLACE, DON'T YOU?

- YEAH.

I'M HOME.

- OH!

- WHAT DID I DO? WHAT'D I DO?

- NOTHING, DEAR, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- BUT DAD'S, LIKE, MOANING.
- OH.

- MAYNARD, HONEY,

WHY DON'T YOU GO
OUTSIDE AND PLAY, HMM?

- GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY?
MOM, I'M, LIKE, A GROWN MAN.

I'VE GOT A BEARD.

- PLEASE GO, DEAR.
- HOW COME?

- YOU KNOW, DEAR, YOUR
FATHER LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.

- YEAH. AND I LOVE
HIM, AND YOU TOO, MOM.

I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE,
TOGETHERNESS.

- AS I WAS SAYING, YOUR
FATHER LOVES YOU VERY MUCH,

BUT FOR A WHILE, JUST
FOR A LITTLE WHILE,

HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOU.
- I DON'T DIG.

- TRY TO DIG, DEAR,
BUT DIG OUTSIDE.

- SIR, IF I'VE DONE
ANYTHING, LIKE, WRONG,

PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, HOW AM I GOING
TO LEARN OTHERWISE?

- HE HAS A POINT, DEAR.
- VERY WELL.

- MAYNARD, I HAVE HERE A BILL
FROM THE TELEPHONE COMPANY.

NOW, DO YOU REMEMBER
MAKING A TELEPHONE CALL

ON SATURDAY THE 18th?

- I DON'T KNOW, DAD. I
MAKE LOTS OF CALLS.

- I'VE GOT TO GIVE YOU THAT.

BUT THIS HAPPENS TO BE A
SPECIAL TELEPHONE CALL, MAYNARD.

IT'S LONG DISTANCE.
COME ON, THINK, SON, THINK.

- YEAH. I GOT IT.
- YEAH.

- I CALLED DIZ.
- DIZ WHO?

- DIZZY GILLESPIE. THERE
AIN'T NO OTHERS, MAN.

- NO. WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHY YOU CALLED DIZZY GILLESPIE?

- OH, I HAD TO, DAD. I MEAN,
WHEN I HEARD THAT NEW ALBUM,

I FLIPPED, LIKE, MY WHOLE SKULL.
WANT I SHOULD PLAY IT FOR YOU?

- OH, YEAH... NO. NO. NO.

- IT'S THE MOST... I MEAN,
WHEN A MAN PLAYS LIKE THAT,

YOU JUST GOT TO TELL HIM.

I MEAN, IF SOMEBODY GAVE
YOU A BALL LIKE DIZ GIVES ME,

WELL, YOU'D LET HIM KNOW
ABOUT IT, WOULDN'T YOU?

-UH, MM-HMM.

- I MEAN, IT'S NOT NICE
IF YOU DON'T. TRUE?

- TRUE. TRUE. BUT TELL ME, WHY
DID YOU TALK TO HIM SO LONG?

- IT WASN'T SO LONG.

IN FACT, IT WAS PRETTY
SHORT, LIKE 10 SECONDS.

HE HUNG UP ON ME.

I THINK HE WAS SORE
BECAUSE I WOKE HIM.

- WHAT TIME DID YOU CALL HIM?
- 7:00.

- IN THE MORNING?
- NO. AT NIGHT.

- AND HE WAS STILL ASLEEP?

- WELL, IT WASN'T
7:00 AT NIGHT THERE.

- WHERE?

- WHERE DIZ WAS
PLAYING, COPENHAGEN.

- OH!

- MAYNARD, HONEY, $28.
- ALICE, PLEASE.

- YEAH. I KNOW
IT'S A LITTLE STEEP,

BUT JUST LET ME PLAY
THE RECORD FOR YOU.

- ALICE, IF YOU LOVE
ME, YOU'LL GET...

- WON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE
LIKE A GOOD BOY?

- GOOD BOY? I'M NO
GOOD. NOT TO MY FAMILY,

NOT TO MY FRIENDS.
NOT, LIKE, TO ANYBODY.

- OH, NO, SON. NO.

NO. YOU ARE A GOOD
BOY. YOU'RE A FINE BOY.

A LITTLE MIXED UP PERHAPS,
BUT YOU ARE A FINE BOY.

BUT YOU MUST
UNDERSTAND, MAYNARD,

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN EVEN
THOSE WHO LOVE YOU THE MOST

JUST HAVE TO GET RID
OF YOU FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

- NOBODY WANTS ME.
- OH, WE WANT YOU, DEAR.

- HEY, A LETTER FOR
ME. OH, I BETTER READ IT.

- MAYNARD, HONEY,

BY ALL MEANS, DEAR, READ
IT, BUT READ IT OUTSIDE.

- HEY DAD, CAN I HAVE THE CAR?

OKAY, DAD, I'LL GO.

HEY, DOBIE.
- NOT YET, MAYNARD,

LET'S GIVE IT A FEW
MORE WEEKS, HUH, BUDDY?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT, DOB. I JUST
WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE.

- GOODBYE?
- GOODBYE.

- MAYNARD, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- AND A GOOD THING TOO.
I'M NO USE TO ANYBODY.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- MAYBE IT WILL MAKE A
MAN OF ME. IT'S POSSIBLE.

- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- THE ARMY. I'VE
JUST BEEN DRAFTED.

- WELL, HOW CAN YOU BE
DRAFTED? YOU'RE 17 YEARS OLD.

- NO, DOB. I'M, LIKE, 18.

- BUT YOU'RE IN MY
CLASS AT SCHOOL.

- I FLUNK QUITE A LOT, DOB.

- GEE, THAT'S TOUGH,
GETTING DRAFTED.

- IT COULD BE THE BEST
THING EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

- MAYBE, BUT IT'S STILL TOUGH.

ESPECIALLY ON YOUR
MOTHER AND FATHER.

I BET THEY'LL BE ALL BROKEN UP.

- I DON'T KNOW, DOB.

MY FATHER'S HEAD
OF THE DRAFT BOARD.

- I DON'T MIND
TELLING YOU, I AM LOW.

I MEAN, MAYNARD'S NEWS HIT
ME LIKE A BLUNT INSTRUMENT.

I JUST CAN'T SEEM
TO SNAP OUT OF IT.

IT'S NOT ONLY MAYNARD
I'M WORRIED ABOUT,

IT'S THE ARMY TOO. DEPRESSING.

THE WHOLE THING.
VERY DEPRESSING.

- DOBIE? DOBIE?

MR. GILLIS.

- YES, SIR.

- YOU SEEM MORE
DISTANT TODAY THAN USUAL.

YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?
- YES, SIR.

- IN THAT CASE, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD OPEN YOUR BOOK

TO PAGE 386?

- YES, SIR.

- TODAY WE ARE GOING TO DISCUSS
A MODERN TREND IN LITERATURE.

A TREND TOWARD CONCISE WRITING.

NOW, IN TODAY'S
SWIFT MOVING SOCIETY,

CONCISE WRITING HAS BECOME
MORE AND MORE IMPORTANT.

PEOPLE SIMPLY DON'T HAVE TIME

TO READ LONG, LEISURELY
STORIES AND ARTICLES.

THEY WANT THEIR INFORMATION
CONDENSED, COMPRESSED, CONCISE.

TAKE FOR EXAMPLE THE
SUCCESS OF MAGAZINES

LIKE THE "READER'S
DIGEST" OR "TV GUIDE."

THEY REFLECT THE NATIONAL DESIRE

FOR INFORMATION
IN A CONCISE FORM.

SO FOR YOUR NEXT
ASSIGNMENT IN COMPOSITION,

I WANT YOU TO WRITE
ME A CONCISE ESSAY.

NO MORE THAN 100 WORDS.

THE TOPIC WILL BE...

THE MOST INTERESTING
CHARACTER OF THE 18th CENTURY.

KEEP YOUR SENTENCES
BRIEF, PACK THEM WITH FACTS,

AND MAKE EVERY WORD COUNT.

DOBIE, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

- YES, SIR.
- ARE YOU QUITE SURE?

- NO, SIR.

NO, I'M NOT ALL
RIGHT. I'M MISERABLE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO MISERABLE
IN MY WHOLE MISERABLE LIFE.

- MAY ONE ASK WHY?
- YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

I'M LOSING THE BEST
FRIEND A MAN EVER HAD.

MAYNARD'S BEEN DRAFTED

- BLESS MY SOUL.

YOU KNOW, I FIND MYSELF
STRANGELY SADDENED BY THIS NEWS.

BLESS MY SOUL.

WELL, MAYNARD, I SHALL MISS YOU.

- ME?

- IT MAY COME AS A SHOCK
TO YOU, IT DOES TO ME,

BUT IN FACT, I SHALL MISS
YOU. INDEED, WE ALL SHALL.

A THOUGHT HAS JUST
OCCURRED TO ME.

AN INSPIRATION,
YOU MIGHT CALL IT.

I JUST ASSIGNED YOU A
COMPOSITION OF 100 WORDS

ON THE MOST INTERESTING
CHARACTER OF THE 18th CENTURY.

I WANT TO CHANGE
THAT ASSIGNMENT.

INSTEAD,

I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF YOU TO BRING ME TOMORROW

A 100-WORD ESSAY ON THE SUBJECT

"WHAT MAYNARD
KREBS MEANS TO ME."

- ME TOO?
- NO, MAYNARD, YOU'RE EXCUSED.

- TESTIMONIAL.

THAT'S WHAT WE HAD FOR
MAYNARD, A TESTIMONIAL.

SO MANY PEOPLE CAME
AROUND WITH ESSAYS

THAT THE CLASSROOM WASN'T
BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD EVERYBODY,

SO MR. POMFRITT...

YOU KNOW, HE'S A PRETTY GOOD
JOE UNDERNEATH IT ALL, YEAH...

MR. POMFRITT CALLED
OFF CLASS THAT DAY,

AND INSTEAD, WE ALL WENT OVER TO
CHARLIE WONG'S ICE CREAM PARLOR,

AND THAT'S WHERE WE HAD
OUR TESTIMONIAL THAT NIGHT.

- LOTS OF PEOPLE THINK
MAYNARD DRESSES PRETTY BAD.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

BUT IT'S NOT THE
CLOTHES THAT COUNT,

IT'S THE HEART THAT BEATS
BENEATH THOSE CLOTHES,

AND I WANT TO TELL YOU

THAT UNDERNEATH THAT
CRUDDY SWEATSHIRT

BEATS ONE OF THE LARGEST
HEARTS OF OUR GENERATION.

TO ME THERE ARE ONLY TWO REALLY
GREAT HEARTS IN THE WORLD TODAY,

MAYNARD KREBS, AND
ALBERT SCHWEITZER.

- THANK YOU, BART. NOW
A WORD FROM MR. RYAN.

-[ APPLAUSE]

- I WANT TO BLOW, LIKE, A
TRIBUTE TO A SWINGING CAT,

MAYNARD KREBS.

MAYNARD IS, LIKE,
WITH IT. I MEAN, JAZZ.

LOTS OF CATS THINK
THEY'RE WITH JAZZ,

BUT THEY'RE, LIKE, WRONG.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE WITH JAZZ,
YOU CAN'T BE WITH NOTHING ELSE,

AND MAYNARD AIN'T
WITH NOTHING ELSE.

HE SWINGS, HE IS WAY
OUT, HE'S COOL, HE DIGS DIZ,

HE'S A GREAT AMERICAN.
LIKE, THANK YOU.

- LIKE, THANK YOU, MR. RYAN.
AND NOW A WORD FROM MR. WONG.

- [ APPLAUSE ]

- THERE IS AN OLD
CHINESE PROVERB

I JUST MADE UP WHICH SAYS,

WHEN MAYNARD GOES OUT THE
DOOR, JOY GOES OUT THE WINDOW.

IT'S TRUE. I'VE THROWN MAYNARD
OUT OF MY PLACE MANY TIMES,

BUT RIGHT NOW ALL I WISH
IS HE COMES BACK SOON

SO I CAN START
THROWING HIM OUT AGAIN.

THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU, MR. WONG.

IT'S ONLY FITTING THAT MAYNARD'S
BEST FRIEND, DOBIE GILLIS,

SHOULD WIND UP
THESE PROCEEDINGS,

BUT BEFORE DOBIE SPEAKS,

I SHOULD LIKE TO READ MY
LITTLE ESSAY ON MAYNARD.

IN MY YEARS OF TEACHING,

I HAVE SEEN COUNTLESS
STUDENTS COME AND GO.

TODAY WHEN I THINK
BACK ON THEIR FACES,

THEY TEND TO BLUR
AND RUN TOGETHER,

BUT MAYNARD'S, I FEEL CERTAIN,

WILL ALWAYS REMAIN
DISTINCT IN MY MEMORY.

THERE'S NEVER BEEN ANOTHER
LIKE HIM, THERE NEVER WILL BE.

FOR THIS I AM, OF
COURSE, GRATEFUL,

BUT STILL AND ALL,

IT HAS BEEN A PRIVILEGE
TO KNOW THIS CURIOUS,

SHABBY, EDUCATION-PROOF

AND SOMEHOW GALLANT
YOUNG MAN. THANK YOU.

AND NOW, DOBIE GILLIS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MARK

MR. POMFRITT IS GOING
TO GIVE ME ON THIS ESSAY.

I'M AFRAID IT IS...

I'M AFRAID IT ISN'T
VERY CONCISE.

YOU SEE, I GO BACK A
LONG WAY WITH MAYNARD.

WE'VE BEEN BUDDIES EVER
SINCE WE WERE LITTLE TINY BABIES.

IN FACT, WE LEARNED
TO WALK TOGETHER.

FUNNY THING ABOUT MAYNARD,

FIRST HE LEARNED TO WALK
AND THEN HE LEARNED TO CRAWL.

HE DOES THINGS KIND OF
BACKWARDS SOMETIMES.

ANYHOW, WE GO BACK A
LONG WAY, MAYNARD AND ME.

WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER
EVER SINCE THE BEGINNING.

I REMEMBER ONE SUMMER
WHEN WE WERE KIDS,

WE SOLD BLUING DOOR
TO DOOR AND WON A PONY.

THE NEXT SUMMER WE SOLD
THE PONY DOOR TO DOOR.

IN ALL THE TIME WE'VE
BEEN WITH EACH OTHER,

WE'VE HAD OUR
DIFFERENCES, OF COURSE,

BUT I'VE NEVER, NOT ONCE,
BEEN SORE AT MAYNARD.

I MEAN, WHO COULD
BE SORE AT A SWEET,

GOOD, KIND HUMAN
BEING LIKE THAT?

SURE, HE'S A LITTLE BIT WEIRD,

AND IN FACT, HE'S
QUITE A LOT WEIRD,

BUT HE'S GOOD AND
HE'S TRUE AND HE'S LOYAL

AND HE'S GENEROUS,
AND HE'S TRUSTWORTHY,

AND THERE'S NOT ONE MEAN BONE

IN THAT WHOLE
FUNNY-LOOKING BODY.

I'M GOING TO MISS THAT KOOK.
LIFE WILL NOT BE THE SAME.

WELL, I BETTER STOP NOW

BEFORE I GET TOO MISTY
TO MAKE THE PRESENTATION.

MAYNARD, ALL OF US GOT
TOGETHER AND CHIPPED IN

FOR A COUPLE OF
GOING-AWAY GIFTS.

I TAKE GREAT PLEASURE

IN PRESENTING TO YOU WITH
LIGHTWEIGHT, WEATHER-RESISTANT,

TWO-SUIT BAG,

AND THIS SHARK-PROOF,
WATERPROOF, SOLID STEEL WATCH

WITH A SWEEP SECOND HAND.

- THANK YOU, DOBIE.

FRIENDS, FELLOW
CLASSMATES, MR. POMFRITT.

I DON'T, LIKE, KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- KREBS, MAYNARD G.,
REPORTING FOR DUTY.

- KREBS WHO?

- MAYNARD G.,
REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIR.

- WHAT DUTY?

- I'M IN THE ARMY, BIG DADDY.
YOU DRAFTED ME YESTERDAY.

- I'VE GOT NO KREBS HERE.

- MUST BE SOME
KIND OF SNAFU, POPS.

I GOT MY ORDERS YESTERDAY.

- LET ME SEE.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU,
KREBS, MAYNARD G.

THIS IS NO INDUCTION NOTICE.
IT'S JUST A CLASSIFICATION.

- I DON'T DIG.

- YOU'VE JUST BEEN
CLASSIFIED, THAT'S ALL,

LIKE ALL 18-YEAR-OLD KIDS DO.

IT COULD BE SIX MONTHS
BEFORE YOU'RE DRAFTED.

MAYBE A YEAR. MAYBE
TWO. MAYBE NEVER.

- THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I GOTTA GO NOW.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE ALL MY
FRIENDS GOT TOGETHER

AND GAVE ME,
LIKE, A TESTIMONIAL.

I MEAN, THEY ALL SAID HOW
MUCH THEY LOVE ME AND LIKE THAT.

THEY GAVE ME THIS
BAG AND THIS WATCH,

SOLID STEEL WITH A
SWEEP SECOND HAND.

I GOTTA GO.

- I DON'T FOLLOW YOU, MAYNARD G.

IF YOUR FRIENDS ALL
LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

WHY DON'T YOU STAY WITH THEM?

- OH, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, POPS.

THEY DON'T ESPECIALLY
LOVE ME WHEN I'M AROUND,

ONLY WHEN I'M, LIKE, LEAVING.

- THEY'LL JUST HAVE TO PUT
UP WITH YOU, MAYNARD G.

YOU'RE NOT BEING DRAFTED TODAY.

- PLEASE. PLEASE. YOU
GOTTA TAKE ME, CORPORAL.

- CORPORAL?
- COLONEL?

- THAT'S CLOSER. I'M A CAPTAIN.

- PLEASE, CAPTAIN. TAKE
ME RIGHT NOW. I'LL ENLIST.

- I DON'T KNOW.
- PLEASE?

- WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS
THINK ABOUT THIS?

- I DON'T KNOW. I
NEVER ASKED THEM.

- YOU NEVER ASKED THEM?

DON'T YOU THINK YOU
OUGHT TO, MAYNARD G?

- DO I HAVE TO?

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
BUT YOU OUGHT TO.

IS THAT THE WAY TO TREAT
YOUR LITTLE CAREWORN MOTHER?

- YEAH. SHE IS A
LITTLE CAREWORN.

- THEN GO ON HOME AND ASK HER.

- ALL RIGHT, MAN.

BUT THEY'LL NEVER
LET ME GO. NEVER.

MOM, DAD, I KNOW WHAT A
TERRIBLE BLOW THIS IS TO YOU,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT
FOR ME. YOU'VE JUST GOT TO.

- IS THERE SOMETHING
I HAVE TO SIGN?

- SURE, YOU'LL MISS ME,

BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,
THE ARMY NEEDS MEN.

IT'S, LIKE, MY PATRIOTIC DUTY.

- DO WE BOTH SIGN, DEAR,
OR JUST YOUR FATHER?

- AND I'LL WRITE YOU
LOTS OF LETTERS,

AND I'LL GET PASSES AND
FURLOUGHS AND LIKE THAT,

SO IT WON'T BE LIKE WE'LL
NEVER SEE EACH OTHER.

- YOU KNOW, IF YOU
HURRY, YOU COULD GET BACK

BEFORE THE RECRUITING OFFICE...

- YEAH. AND I GOT,
LIKE, ANOTHER IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GET
MY COUSIN JEROME

TO COME AND LIVE WITH YOU?

I MEAN, HE'S, LIKE, AN ORPHAN
AND HE COULD STAY IN MY ROOM

SO YOU WON'T BE,
LIKE, SO LONESOME.

- LOOK, IT'S ALMOST
4:00, MAYNARD.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE CAR?

- AND IT'LL BE GOOD FOR ME. I
MEAN, THE ARMY BUILDS MEN,

AND I COULD LEARN,
LIKE, A TRADE AND TRAVEL

AND ROUND OUT MY PERSONALITY.

AND WHEN I COME HOME TO YOU,
I'LL BE A MUCH BETTER PERSON.

PLEASE, DAD. PLEASE, MOM.
WON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR CONSENT?

- YES, DEAR.
- SON, YOU'VE TALKED US INTO IT.

- OH, THANK YOU. YOU'RE,
LIKE, REAL HUMAN BEINGS.

- RAISE YOUR RIGHT
HAND. YOUR RIGHT HAND.

- OH.

- REPEAT AFTER ME.
I, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- I, MAYNARD G. KREBS...

- HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M MAJOR BRADBURY.

- MAJOR, I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
- WHO DO YOU WANT TO SEE?

- I CAME TO VISIT MAYNARD
KREBS. HE SAID IT'D BE ALL RIGHT

AFTER HE FINISHED
HIS BASIC TRAINING.

- AH, YES, KREBS, MAYNARD G.
SPLENDID SOLDIER, SPLENDID...

- MAYNARD G. KREBS?

- YES. WE'VE MADE HIM AN
ACTING CORPORAL, YOU KNOW.

- MAYNARD G. KREBS?

- YES. HE'S GOT THE
BEST SQUAD IN THE OUTFIT.

LOOK OVER THERE, YOU'LL SEE
HIM ABOUT TO DRILL HIS SQUAD NOW.

- WUT-HO! HUP! HUP!

HUP! LEFT, THREE, FOUR, HUP!

DETAIL, HALT.

SQUAD, LIKE, COOL.

- AND THEY'VE MADE HIM AN
ACTING CORPORAL ALREADY.

- THEY HAVE?
- YEAH. AND HE'S REAL HAPPY.

I TALKED TO HIM A
LONG TIME AFTERWARDS.

HE MISSES YOU, OF COURSE,
BUT HE'S REAL HAPPY.

- I MISS HIM TOO.
- YEAH, AND SO DO I.

- YEAH. WE ALL MISS HIM.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO
HEAR THAT CRAZY BEAT AGAIN,

THAT KNOCKED-OUT RHYTHM?

- [ DRUMS ]

- EXCUSE ME.

- YEAH, BIG DADDY?
- WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?

- UP THE RIVER FROM NEW ORLEANS,

LIKE JAZZ, JAZZ, JAZZ.

- WELL, MY NAME IS DOBIE
GILLIS, WHAT'S YOURS?

- JEROME.

- JEROME WHAT?
- KREBS.

- KREBS? YOU MEAN...
- HIS COUSIN.

- OH. OH, WELL,
WELCOME TO OUR CITY.

- COOL, DAD.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪