The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Right Triangle - full transcript

Brother Davey, home from college, gives Dobie some bad relationship advice.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY BROTHER DAVEY?

HE'S AT COLLEGE. HE'S
SMART. HE'S SMOOTH.

HE'S GOT GIRLS, LOTS OF GIRLS.

SOMEDAY I HOPE TO BE LIKE DAVEY,

IF I LIVE THAT LONG,
WHICH I DOUBT

BECAUSE THERE ARE
SINISTER INFLUENCES

WORKING AGAINST ME,
SINISTER INFLUENCES.

- DOBIE!

- HE'S NOT HERE.

- NO! THE ANSWER IS NO!

OH, I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOT TO.



- WHAT'S WRONG?

- THAT WAS THE CITIZENS
NATIONAL BANK ON THE PHONE.

YOUR SON DOBIE WENT
DOWN THERE THIS MORNING

AND TRIED TO NEGOTIATE A LOAN!

- A LOAN? WELL, WHAT IS
DOBIE USING FOR COLLATERAL?

- MY GROCERY STORE.

I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GO TO.

TALK. I AM WAITING.
SAY SOMETHING.

- YOU'VE GOT A HANGNAIL, DAD.

- DOBIE, DEAR, YOU REALLY DO
OWE YOUR FATHER AN EXPLANATION.

THIS TIME, HE'S RIGHT.

- THAT'S RIGHT. A MAN
SACRIFICES AND WORKS...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THIS TIME I'M RIGHT?

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!

- HERBERT, IF YOU
ARE ALWAYS RIGHT,

THEN THE REST OF US
ARE ALWAYS WRONG.

- YEAH, THAT'S TRUE, DAD.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
APOLOGIZE TO MOM.

- WELL, GEE, WINNIE.
I DIDN'T MEAN...

WHAT AM I APOLOGIZING FOR?

DID I TRY TO MAKE THE LOAN?

- THAT'S A WONDERFUL
SUGGESTION, SIR.

YOU MAKE THE LOAN
AND I WON'T BE STUCK

FOR THE INTEREST.

MOM, DAD DIDN'T
MEAN TO YELL AT YOU.

LET'S FORGIVE HIM.

- OF COURSE, I
FORGIVE YOU, HERBERT.

- THANKS, WINNIE. STOP
TWISTING ME AROUND!

- OH, DEAR, YOU DO
HAVE A HANGNAIL.

- ALL RIGHT, SHIFTY.
TALK OR ELSE!

WHY DID YOU TRY TO GET
A MORTGAGE ON MY STORE?

- I WASN'T TRYING TO
MORTGAGE YOUR STORE.

ONLY MY 25%.
- YOUR WHAT?

- DAD, WE'RE A FAMILY, TRUE?
- TRUE.

- YEAH, AND THERE
ARE FOUR OF US,

YOU, MOM, DAVEY AND ME, TRUE?

- TRUE.
- SO THAT MAKES FOUR SHARES,

25% TO EACH OF US, TRUE?

- TRUE, AND YOUR
25% IS THE BACK ROOM

AND IT NEEDS CLEANING,

SO GET DOWN THERE
AND GET STARTED!

- I'D LOVE TO, DAD,

BUT I'VE GOT SOME
STUDYING TO DO.

- OH, AND I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA STUDY.

- MAYNARD? MAYNARD?

- YOU RANG?

- YOU KNOW WHO THAT GIRL IS?

- NO, WHY?

- OH, I LOVE HER.

- JUST ANOTHER
EARTH GIRL, DADDY.

SHE'S LEAVING. I HAVE
TO MAKE CONTACT.

- OH, GO AHEAD, POPS. I'LL
CATCH YOU WHEN YOU FALL.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- COULD YOU LOVE A POOR MAN?

- ARE YOU ILL?

- PLEASE LET ME BE YOUR
SLAVE. I'M DOBIE GILLIS.

- ARRIVEDERCI, THICK ONE.

- OH, SWEDISH, HUH?

- NO, THAT WAS
GOODBYE IN ITALIAN.

- OH, MY STRONG SUIT IS
HYGIENE. CAN'T WE GO STEADY?

- YOU ARE THE THICKEST...

- COULD WE BE FRIENDS?

- NO.
- PEN PALS?

- THAT I MIGHT CONSIDER.

- FINE. I'LL GET A NICE PEN

AND WE'LL LOCK
OURSELVES UP IN IT. [ LAUGH ]

- THICK, THICK, THICK!
- WAIT, DON'T...

- LET LOOSE, DOPIE.

- IT'S DOBIE! WITH A B!

- GREETINGS.

- DAVEY! YOU'VE
BEEN EXPELLED AGAIN.

- NO, NO, NO, DEAR BOY.
CAST NOT THE FIRST STONE.

I USUALLY GOOF OFF THE
FIRST WEEK OF EACH SEMESTER.

MUCH CONFUSION REIGNS.

- OH. WHAT'S NEW?

I'M IN LOVE.

- HMM, NEW GIRL IN TOWN?

- HOW COULD YOU TELL?

- YOU'VE RUN THROUGH
ALL THE OLD ONES.

- SHE'S THE MOST.

YOU KNOW, I'D EVEN
GET A JOB FOR HER.

- WHAT'S HER NAME?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS JUST GONNA ASK
HER WHEN SHE WALKED OUT.

- WELL, I SUGGEST
YOU LEARN HER NAME.

IT COMES IN HANDY DURING
THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY.

- GEE, DAVEY,

YOU THINK I'LL EVER GET
TO BE AS SMOOTH AS YOU?

- I DOUBT IT.

- WELL, CAN'T YOU
GIVE ME ANY HINTS

ON HOW TO IMPRESS HER?

I'M REALLY EMOTIONALLY
UNSTABLE FOR THIS PERSON.

- HOW ARE YOU FIXED FOR LOOT?

- NEED YOU ASK? HE'S
YOUR FATHER TOO.

- THERE ARE NO BAD CHILDREN.

THERE ARE ONLY STINGY FATHERS.

- WELL, WHAT'LL I DO?

I'M OVERDRAWN ON MY ALLOWANCE
FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS.

- WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?
YOU CAN HOCK DAD'S PRESENT.

- HOW DO YOU SELL A HANDSHAKE?

- WE HAVE BEEN
BLESSED, HAVEN'T WE?

- YEAH.

- YOU'RE RIGHT FOR A GIRL,
YOU DON'T KNOW HER NAME,

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
MONEY. WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

- WELL, I DO HAVE A
DIMPLE IN MY CHIN.

- NOT ENOUGH, OLD CHAP.

WE'LL HAVE TO TRY THE
LOMBARDI APPROACH.

- THE LOMBARDI APPROACH?
- SHH.

- THE LOMBARDI APPROACH?

- NAMED AFTER TONY LOMBARDI,

THE FAMOUS ITALIAN
EXCHANGE STUDENT

WHOM ITALY REFUSES TO TAKE BACK.

- HE SOUNDS SMOOTH.

- SMOOTH? OIL SHOULD
HAVE IT SO GOOD.

TWO MINUTES OF LOMBARDI

AND MISS WHAT'S-HER-NAME
WILL BE BEGGING YOU FOR DATES.

AND WHAT'S MORE,
SHE'LL PAY YOUR WAY.

- I HOPE THIS DOESN'T
INVOLVE CHLOROFORM.

- OH, THIS IS BETTER
THAN DRUGS, BUCKO.

LOMBARDI APPEALS TO A
TRAIT INHERENT IN ALL WOMEN,

WELTSCHMERZ.

- WELTSCHMERZ?

- YEAH, THAT'S GERMAN
FOR... WELTSCHMERZ.

- GEE, YOU KNOW
EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU?

- WELL, IF A GUY
DOESN'T KNOW IT ALL

BY THE TIME HE'S 20,

HE MAY AS WELL
THROW IN THE TOWEL.

- YEAH.
- NOW HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

- TELL ME.
- YOU INVENT

A PAST FOR YOURSELF.
- UH-HUH, YEAH.

- TROUBLE...
- TROUBLE...

- HARDSHIP...
- HARDSHIP...

- POVERTY...
POVERTY... MISERY...

- MIS... WELL, I'VE
GOT ALL THAT NOW.

- WELL, THEN WHAT YOU NEED IS
AN OLDER WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE.

- HOW ABOUT MOM?

- YOU'RE A DEAR LAD,

BUT YOU'LL NEVER
MAKE A CASANOVA.

- WELL, WHAT OLDER WOMAN?

- THE MYSTERIOUS MRS. X.

- MRS. X? YOU MEAN,
THERE'S A MR. X?

- OF COURSE. THAT'S
WHAT MAKES IT ALL SO...

- WELTSCHMERZ?
- NO, PATHETIQUE.

THAT'S FRENCH FOR PATHETIC.

- OH.

- I'M IN LOVE WITH
A MARRIED WOMAN?

- AND SHE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU,

MADLY, WILDLY, TEMPESTUOUSLY.

- YEAH?

- MR. WILLIAMS ILL,
NO CLASS TODAY.

NEXT MATH CLASS TOMORROW.

HEY, GREAT NEWS! NO CLASS.

THE TEACHER'S SICK.

- OH, GOOD, GOOD!

I CAN USE THIS HOUR
TO LOOK FOR THAT GIRL.

- WHAT GIRL?
- THE ONE WHO...

I'LL SEE YOU, MAYNARD.

- I'M WARNING YOU.

I GOT AN "A" LAST SEMESTER
IN BOW AND ARROW!

- I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU

AND HERE YOU ARE IN MY
VERY SAME MATH CLASS.

- ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FAT EYE?

- I'M LOOKING FOR FORGIVENESS.

OH, I HAD NO RIGHT TO
TOUCH YOU YESTERDAY.

I WAS HUNGRY FOR
AFFECTION, DARN HER.

- HER? HER WHO?

- OH, PLEASE DON'T GET INVOLVED.

YOU'RE TOO SWEET TO BE BURDENED

WITH AN OLDER WOMAN'S UNHAPPY
YET BEAUTIFUL LOVE AFFAIR.

- WELL, MATH CLASS IS CANCELED

AND I REALLY DON'T
MIND BEING BURDENED

UNTIL THE BELL RINGS.
YOU'RE SO MUCH LIKE HER.

I AM?

- YOUNGER AND
PRETTIER, OF COURSE.

BUT THE WELTSCHMERZ
IS THERE, ALL RIGHT.

- IT IS?
- IN SPADES.

CAN I TRUST YOU?

WHO KNOWS HOW OR
WHY THESE THINGS START.

ONE MINUTE A GUY DELIVERS
A BAG OF GROCERIES,

THE NEXT A DOOR
OPENS, THERE SHE IS.

YOUR EYES MEET.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- FELICIA.

- OH, FELICIA, THERE'S
INTEGRITY THERE.

- OH, IT'S REALLY
THELMA, BUT I CHANGED IT.

- OH, WELL, THAT SHOWS STRENGTH,

STRENGTH LIKE
JOAN OF ARC, KIND OF.

- THE WOMAN WHO OPENED
THE DOOR, WHAT'S HER NAME?

- LET'S JUST REFER
TO HER AS MRS. X.

- SHE'S MARRIED?

- ARE YOU SHOCKED?

- OF COURSE NOT. I READ A LOT.

- OUR RELATIONSHIP IS
PURELY INTELLECTUAL.

WE PLAY MONOPOLY TOGETHER.

I SWEAR IT, I SWEAR IT!

OH, SHE'S TAKEN
EVERY PENNY I HAVE.

WHEN WILL IT STOP, FELICIA?

- THAT'S NOT NICE OF HER.

- IT'S NOT MRS. X'S FAULT.

THERE'S A MONKEY ON HER BACK.

- SHE WORKS IN THE CIRCUS?

- SHE WORKS IN
THE... YOU ARE SWEET.

THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.

IT MEANS SHE'S SADDLED
WITH SOMETHING.

IN HER CASE, IT'S HER
HUSBAND. HE DRINKS.

- LIQUOR?

- A BOTTLE OF HAIR LOTION
LASTS 20 MINUTES OVER THERE.

- AND YOUR MONEY
GOES FOR HIS DRINKING?

- OH, POOR DEVIL.
IT WAS THE WAR.

26 DAYS PINNED DOWN
ON THE ANZIO BEACHHEAD,

POOR DEVIL.

- OH, DOBIE, IF IT'S TOO
WICKED FOR YOU TO GO ON,

YOU NEEDN'T NOW.

WE CAN MEET AT THE MALT
SHOP AND YOU CAN FINISH THERE.

- FELICIA, JUST SPEAKING TO
YOU HAS RELIEVED THE PAIN

AND I WOULD LIKE TO
LEAN ON YOUR STRENGTH

AT THE MALT SHOP, BUT...

I HAVE NO MONEY.
THEY GET IT ALL.

- WELL, I HAVE PLENTY OF MONEY.

MY DAD'S A LAMB.

- MEN DON'T ASK THEIR
FATHERS FOR MONEY.

- OH, I DON'T HAVE TO ASK.
HE JUST THROWS IT AT ME.

- HE DOES?

WELL, I DON'T LIKE THE
THOUGHT OF YOU PAYING FOR ME.

- WELL, THEN WE CAN
JUST WALK AND TALK.

- WELL, I WOULDN'T WANT

TO DEPRIVE YOU OF
YOUR ENJOYMENT.

PERHAPS I'LL GO TO THE
PARK AND THINK FOR A BIT,

THEN THE RIGHT ANSWER WILL COME.

- MY, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
STANDARDS, DON'T YOU?

- ONE DOES ONE'S BEST.

- HEY, GIRL, I'M LOOKING
FOR DOBIE GILLIS.

- HE'S OUT THERE
SUFFERING. HE'S IN TORMENT.

- SOMEBODY OFFER HIM A JOB?

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S A SECRET. I CAN'T...

LOOK! LOOK, THAT MUST BE HER!

- PARDON ME. CAN YOU TELL ME

WHERE I TAKE THE BUS
FOR THIRD AND MAPLE?

- WELL, YES, MA'AM.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THAT MUST BE HER?

- I'M SORRY. MY LIPS ARE SEALED.

OH, BUT IT'S WRONG FOR MRS. X
TO FOLLOW HIM HERE TO SCHOOL.

WHY ISN'T SHE HOME
WATCHING THE HAIR LOTION?

WHY MUST SHE BLEED
DOBIE OF EVERY PENNY?

IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT.

- YEAH, YOU KEEP A NICE SECRET.

THAT WOMAN, I RECOGNIZE HER.

YEAH? CLUE ME.

- I WAS IN THE REGISTRATION
OFFICE EARLIER AND SHE CAME IN.

- MRS. X?
- OH, DEAR.

PERHAPS I WILL PHONE
FOR A TAXI AFTER ALL.

THANK YOU.

OH, I DON'T WANT
TO BE A NUISANCE,

BUT DO YOU HAVE
CHANGE FOR A QUARTER?

- MA'AM, ANYTHING
UNDER 50 CENTS,

YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PARTY.

- OH, HOW CAN SHE KEEP
TAKING HIS MONEY LIKE THAT?

- DOBIE HAS MONEY?
SOMEBODY MUST HAVE DIED.

- HOW CLEVER FOR HER
TO VOLUNTEER AT ONCE

TO REPLACE MR. WILLIAMS.

I GUESS SHE JUST CAN'T
KEEP AWAY FROM DOBIE.

- ARE YOU SURE THAT...
- DON'T YOU GET IT?

THE MONKEY ON DOBIE'S BACK
IS OUR NEW MATH TEACHER.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

- HELLO?

OH, HELLO, FELICIA.

THE BALLGAME? GEE,
I DON'T KNOW, FELICIA.

YOU PAID FOR THE MALTS YESTERDAY
AND THE MOVIES AND I JUST...

- ARE YOU DAFT,
LAD? LET HER SPEND.

- BUT I DON'T FEEL
RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

- ACCORDING TO LOMBARDI,

THOS PHONE SHOULD RING
IN EXACTLY 15 SECONDS.

- THAT INNOCENT CREATURE'S
BILKING HER FATHER DRY FOR ME.

- DON'T GET SOFT NOW.

YOU OWE IT TO LOMBARDI
TO GO THE DISTANCE.

10...

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IF
YOU BANKRUPT HER OLD MAN?

SOME DAY YOUR DAUGHTER
WILL BANKRUPT YOU.

NOW.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

- I RETURN TO COLLEGE TODAY
AND I'LL HAVE TO FACE LOMBARDI.

DON'T SEND ME OFF
ASHAMED OF MY BROTHER.

- HELLO? I'M SORRY, FELICIA.

SHE CUT US OFF.

SHE JUST FORCED HER WAY IN HERE.

OH, DOBIE, I NEED YOUR HELP!

YEAH, I CAN'T TALK NOW.

YEAH, YOU CAN TAKE
ME TO THE BALLGAME.

HUH? BOX SEATS?

WELL, IF YOU PREFER,
DEAR, YEAH. BYE.

- YOU ARE NOW A LOMBARDI MAN.

- THEN I HEARD THIS WILD SCREAM.

IT WAS HER.

SHE HAD FOLLOWED
HIM TO HIS HOME.

SHE MUST BE...

- GOOD MORNING.

I AM MRS. ADAMS.

I'LL BE REPLACING
MR. WILLIAMS DURING HIS ILLNESS.

FIND A SEAT.

I KNOW YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO HEAR

THAT I'LL NOT KEEP YOU
LONG TODAY BECAUSE,

FRANKLY, I HAVEN'T HAD A
CHANCE TO DO MY HOMEWORK.

- YEAH, I BET I KNOW
WHAT SHE'S BEEN DOING

INSTEAD OF HER HOMEWORK.

WONDER WHAT DOBIE'S GOT?

HER.

- I HOPE THAT WHILE I'M HERE,

WE SHALL ALL BECOME
BETTER ACQUAINTED

AND SHARE OUR TROUBLES.

I FEEL THAT BEST
RESULTS ARE OBTAINED

WHEN THERE IS A CLOSENESS
BETWEEN TEACHER AND STUDENT,

A GROWING TOGETHER.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO
KNOCK AT MY DOOR ANYTIME.

I'LL BE WARM AND UNDERSTANDING

AND I WANT YOU TO
ENJOY YOUR MATH CLASS

BECAUSE EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME

ONE CAN DERIVE
QUITE A LOT OF FUN

FROM TRIANGLES.

NOW IF EVERYONE WILL CLOSE...

WHAT'S EVERYBODY STARING AT?

YOUNG MAN?

- YES, MA'AM?

- WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

UH, DOBIE GILLIS, MA'AM.

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

- WELL, I SAW YOU YESTERDAY.

- OH, YES, YOU'RE THE YOUNG MAN

WHO GAVE ME THE MONEY.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO
SEE YOU, MR. GILLIS.

IT'S NICE TO SEE ALL OF YOU.

WELL, TOMORROW WE'LL GET
DOWN TO SERIOUS BUSINESS,

BUT RIGHT NOW I KNOW THIS IS
GOING TO GRIEVE YOU DEEPLY.

CLASS DISMISSED.

- FELICIA, WHAT GIVES?

EVERYBODY'S STARING AT
ME LIKE I FORGOT TO DRESS.

- DOBE, IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE
LEANING BACK AGAINST A COUCH

AND SPILLING YOUR INSIDES,

I'M LOADED WITH ADVICE, POPS.

- FELICIA, YOU
SEE? EVERYBODY'S...

YOU THINK MAYBE I'M FLIPPING?

- DOBIE, I TOLD.

- TOLD?
- IT JUST SEEMED TO COME OUT

ABOUT YOU AND MRS. ADAMS.

- WHAT SEEMED TO COME...

ME AND MRS. ADAMS?

- I SAW HER KEEP THAT RENDEZVOUS

WITH YOU IN THE PARK
ACROSS THE STREET.

- FELICIA, LOOK, I...

- ARE YOU TOO DISTRAUGHT
TO LET ME TAKE YOU

TO THE BALLGAME TODAY?
- FELICIA, I...

- SHALL I TELL MY FATHER WE
WON'T WANT THE CONVERTIBLE

THIS FRIDAY? - I... CONVERTIBLE?

- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANT TO REST YOUR MIND

AND WE COULD TAKE A NICE
LONG DRIVE SOMEWHERE.

I COULD PACK A SNACK
FOR JUST THE TWO OF US.

- JUST THE TWO OF US, DEAR?

- I GUESS YOU'RE TOO
ANGRY WITH ME NOW TO LET...

OH, I THINK IT'S
BEAUTIFUL, JUST BEAUTIFUL.

I MEAN, THE WAY YOU BOTH PRETEND

YOU'RE STRANGERS.
- YEAH.

- HOW'S HER HUSBAND?

- WHO? OH, HER HUSBAND, YEAH.

WELL, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG.

- OH, DOBIE, DOBIE, LET
ME HELP YOU FORGET.

LET ME TAKE YOU OUT
FOR A BIRD AND A BOTTLE.

- WHAT KIND OF BIRD?
- SQUAB.

- OH. WHAT KIND OF BOTTLE?

- CREAM SODA?

- VERY WELL, BUT IT'S
SO WRONG, MY DEAR.

YOU GIVE AND GIVE
AND I TAKE AND TAKE.

IT'S SO TERRIBLY,
TERRIBLY WRONG.

- DO YOU LIKE POTATO CHIPS?

- OH, IT'S SO WRONG.

- RIPE OLIVES?
- OH, YUMMY, YUMMY.

SO WRONG.

- POOR DEAR.

- SO WRONG.

ANY SQUAB LEFT?

[ CLASSROOM BELL RINGS ]

- WELL, HAVE A NICE
WEEKEND, STUDENTS.

CLASS...

DISMISSED.

- AREN'T YOU EXCITED?
- YEAH.

- ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
GO GET DADDY'S CAR

AND PICK UP THE GOODIES

AND THEN COME BY FOR YOU.
SHALL I HONK THREE TIMES?

- IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY, DEAR.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T GO
TO TOO MUCH BOTHER.

- OH, NO BOTHER AT ALL.

I GOT HAM AND
CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

- OH, I LOVE CRACKERS
WITH CAVIAR.

- CAVIAR?

- OH, FORGET IT.

- BUT IF YOU LIKE CAVIAR...
- WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

BUY IT AT MY FATHER'S STORE,

BUT DON'T MENTION MY NAME
OR HE'LL RAISE THE PRICE.

- MR. GILLIS?

- I THINK SHE RESENTS ME.

- SHE'S HAD A
ROUGH TIME. BE KIND.

- MR. GILLIS, I AM NOT AT ALL
PLEASED WITH YOUR MARKS.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO SPEND SOME TIME

WITH ME THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, BUT I HAVE PLANS.

4:00 PROMPTLY.

- YES, MA'AM.

- I CAN'T GO FOR THE RIDE.

- I SAID I'D BUY CAVIAR.

- I HAVE TO STAY AFTER CLASS.

- WHAT FOR?

- MY MATH IS WEAK.

- HAH! SHE JUST
WON'T SET YOU FREE.

SHH! FELICIA...
- WHY DOESN'T SHE GO BACK

TO HER WINO HUSBAND?
- SHH! PLEASE...

- I EVEN MIXED A
SPECIAL SALAD FOR US.

I DESTROYED THE RECIPE
SO IT WOULD JUST BE OURS.

- WE'LL EAT IT TOMORROW.
- THE LETTUCE WILL WILT.

- OH, I LIKE YOU WHEN
YOU'RE JEALOUS.

THERE'S FIRE IN YOUR EYES.

- I HATE TO INTERRUPT

WHAT SEEMS TO BE A VERY
ANIMATED CONVERSATION,

BUT 4:00, MR. GILLIS.

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, MISS GRAY.

- WELL, THAT'S PATHETIQUE.

THAT'S FRENCH FOR PATHETIC.

- I TELL YOU, WINNIE. THAT
DOBIE'S UP TO SOMETHING.

HE HASN'T HIT ME
FOR MONEY ALL WEEK.

- CLEAR YOUR MIND OF
BAD THOUGHTS, DEAR.

- DO YOU THINK HE COULD HAVE
GOTTEN THAT LOAN ON THE STORE?

- OF COURSE NOT. HOW COULD HE?

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT MAYBE I
SHOULD HAVE SENT HIS PICTURE

TO EVERY BANK IN TOWN,

NOT JUST TO CITIZENS
NATIONAL. THE TRUCK.

HAS ANYBODY BEEN AROUND
TO REPOSSESS THE TRUCK?

- REALLY, HERBERT,
AREN'T YOU BEING A LITTLE...

DAVEY, DEAR.

- HI, GORGEOUS.

HELLO THERE.

WHY AREN'T YOU UP AT SCHOOL?

WEEKEND, DAD.

- WELL, HOW COME YOUR
WEEKEND STARTS SO EARLY?

YOU MUST LEAVE THE CAMPUS
WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

- DAD, NOTHING EVER
HAPPENS AT SCHOOL

ON THURSDAY AND FRIDAY.

- SINCE WHEN?

- AUTOMATION, DAD, AUTOMATION.

- THERE'S THE REASON
DOBIE'S BECOMING A BUM.

BECAUSE HIS BROTHER
IS A BIGGER BUM!

- WELL, DAVEY'S OLDER, DEAR.
I'LL GO AND HELP HIM UNPACK.

- MR. GILLIS?
- YES?

- YOU ARE LOOKING
AT A WOMAN SPURNED.

- BY ANYONE IN PARTICULAR?

- OH, YOUR SON DOBIE.

WHAT I'VE DONE FOR THAT BOY.

WHY, I'VE FILLED HIM
WITH MALTS AND SUNDAES

AND POTATO CHIPS AND SQUAB.

I'VE EVEN TAKEN HIM BOWLING

SO THAT HE COULD HAVE
HEALTHFUL RECREATION

AND BUILD UP HIS MUSCLES.

- WHO PAID FOR ALL THIS?

- I DID, AND NOW HE'S
THROWN ME OVER

BECAUSE HE'S IN LOVE
WITH AN OLDER WOMAN.

- AN OLDER WOMAN?
- HIS MATH TEACHER,

AND HE'S WITH HER RIGHT NOW.

- AN OLDER WOMAN.

- WELL, I'M ONLY
TELLING YOU THIS

FOR DOBIE'S SAKE

BECAUSE ACTUALLY HE
HAS THE SOUL OF AN ANGEL.

- YOU SURE YOU GOT
THE RIGHT DOBIE?

A SEMI-TALL, SORT OF
FOOLISH-LOOKING BOY?

- HE'S SQUANDERING
ALL HIS MONEY ON HER

AND HER DRUNKEN HUSBAND.
- HUSBAND?

- YES!
- WINIFRED!

YOU MEAN THAT DOBIE'S
GOT AN OLDER WOMAN

WITH A DRUNK... WINIFRED!

- I'M GOING TO SEND HIM A BILL

FOR THAT MONOGRAMMED
BOWLING BALL

I BOUGHT HIM AND
HE'D BETTER PAY!

MY FATHER'S A LAWYER.

- WINIFRED!

- WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- COME ON AND WATCH THE
STORE. I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO DO.

- WELL, CAN I DO IT FOR YOU?

- NO, THIS IS MAN'S WORK.

- OH, ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, WINNIE.

WHEN KIDS ARE
BORN IN A HOSPITAL,

THEY'RE PRETTY PARTICULAR
ABOUT IDENTIFICATION.

I MEAN, WE COULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN THE WRONG ONE, COULD WE?

- DO YOU MEAN
DOBIE? OF COURSE NOT.

- THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.

- FRANKLY, DOBIE,

I AM VERY DISSATISFIED WITH
THESE MARKS YOU'RE GETTING.

I LOOKED UP YOUR
PERSONALITY PROFILE,

YOUR APTITUDE TESTS AND
THEY DON'T TELL ME A THING.

DOBIE, TRULY I
DON'T WANT TO PRY,

BUT IS THERE ANYTHING
WRONG AT HOME?

- NO.

- WHAT IS IT, DOBIE?

DON'T YOU GET ALONG
WITH YOUR PARENTS?

- OH, SURE, I GET ALONG GREAT.

'COURSE, DAD HATES ME,

BUT THAT'S ONLY NATURAL...
- YOUR FATHER HATES YOU?

- WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW FATHERS ARE.

- I CERTAINLY DO NOT!

- IT DOESN'T MATTER. I LOVE HIM.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT

HE'S CRUEL AND HARD AND WARPED.

- DOBIE?

- DAD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I'M A RESCUE PARTY.

THIS IS THE TEACHER?

- YEAH, MRS. ADAMS, MY FATHER.

- I SEE.
- NO, I SEE,
AND, BOY, DO I SEE.

BACK IN MY DAY, TEACHERS
LOOKED LIKE TEACHERS.

WHO'S THE PRINCIPAL
HERE, MARILYN MONROE?

- MR. GILLIS, YOU AND I
HAVE SOMETHING TO DISCUSS.

- YOU CAN BET YOUR
PRETTY LITTLE NECK WE HAVE.

DOBIE, WAIT FOR ME IN THE PARK.

- DAD...
- OUT!

- DAD? I...
- OUT!

- MR. GILLIS, DO YOU
UNDERSTAND YOUR SON?

- OH, I UNDERSTAND HIM BUT GOOD.
- I DOUBT IT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW
INVOLVED THAT BOY IS?

- ALL RIGHT, SO WHY DON'T
YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE?

- I WILL NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE.
I HAVE AN INTEREST IN HIM.

- OH, I KNOW ALL
ABOUT THAT. LOOK, LADY,

WHY DON'T YOU CUT
HIM LOOSE, PLEASE?

AFTER ALL, DOBIE'S JUST A KID

AND NOT A VERY
BRIGHT KID AT THAT.

WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HIM?

- I SEE A MAN, TALL AND STRONG,

FACING THE FUTURE CLEAR-EYED,
WINDSWEPT, UNAFRAID.

- OH, I BEG YOUR
PARDON, BUT DOBIE?

CAN'T YOU DO ANY
BETTER THAN THAT?

- NO, I CANNOT.

THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE
FOR, THIS KIND OF CHALLENGE.

- NO OFFENSE, MISS,
BUT HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- I'M 30.

- DOBIE IS 17.17!

- I KNOW. IT'S MY AGE
GROUP. I CHOSE IT.

- LADY, YOU BETTER SEE
ONE OF THEM HEAD DOCTORS.

- I, MR. GILLIS?

HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED TO THINK

THAT THIS WHOLE THING
MIGHT BE YOUR FAULT?

- MINE?
- IN MY EXPERIENCE...

- IN YOUR EXPERIENCE? YOU
MEAN THERE HAVE BEEN OTHERS?

- OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

- HOW MANY?

- 15, 20, 30, I DON'T KNOW.

- WHEN DO YOU
FIND TIME TO TEACH?

- I MAKE TIME!

- OH, YOU BET YOU DO, MISSUS.

WELL, LOOK, LET'S GET
DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I WANT TO SETTLE
THIS THING RIGHT NOW!

- AND SO DO I.
THERE IS A WAY OUT.

- ALL RIGHT. I'M A POOR MAN,

BUT I'LL MORTGAGE THE STORE.

- IT ISN'T MONEY, MR. GILLIS.

WHAT I WANT FROM YOU IS LOVE.

- OH, LADY, PLEASE. I'M TIRED,
MY BACK ACHES, MY FEET HURT.

- OH, NO EXCUSES, MR. GILLIS.

LOVE IS THE ONLY ANSWER.

YOU SHOW THAT BOY THAT
YOU REALLY CARE FOR HIM

AND HE WON'T BE NEEDING ME.

- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU WANT ME TO LOVE DOBIE

AND THEN YOU'LL GET
OFF HIS BACK, TRUE?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- WELL, IT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE,

BUT NEITHER DOES
ANYTHING ELSE AROUND HERE.

OKAY, MISSUS, YOU
GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

SHAKE.

- WELL, I'M SURE
YOU'RE NOT A BAD SORT,

MR. GILLIS. I MEAN, DEEP DOWN.

- YOU AIN'T EXACTLY
REPULSIVE YOURSELF.

- THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.

- UH, WE DO UNDERSTAND
EACH OTHER?

- OH, 100%.

- GOOD DAY, MR. GILLIS.
- GOOD DAY, MA'AM.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

I BROUGHT A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE RUMMY.

- RUMMY? I DON'T
EVEN PLAY BRIDGE.

- DAD, LISTEN.

I HAVE A PERFECTLY
LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

- I'LL LISTEN TO NOTHING.
WE'LL SAY NO MORE ABOUT IT,

ESPECIALLY TO YOUR MOTHER.

I GOT YOU OUT OF IT
THIS TIME, BUT, BOY,

IF IT EVER HAPPENS AGAIN,

I'LL TAKE AN AX HANDLE
TO YOU. COME ON HOME.

- I...
[ LAUGHS ]

YOU DOG, YOU.

- DAVEY? DAVEY?

DAVEY, YOU'RE OLDER THAN
I AM AND YOU'RE SMARTER.

YOU'VE HAD A LOT MORE EXPERIENCE

AND YOU CAN GIVE
ME A LOT OF HELP.

WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

- OF COURSE, DEAR BOY. WHAT?

- DON'T.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪