The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 39 - Rock-A-Bye Dobie - full transcript
Dobie and a girlfriend take a baby-sitting job, but the Gillises suspect Dobie is secretly a father.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- YOU ARE LOOKING
AT A HAPPY MAN,
A VERY HAPPY MAN.
WHY, YOU'LL KNOW THAT I'M P.E.
THAT MEANS PRACTICALLY
ENGAGED. YES, SIR.
ME AND JENNY METZGER.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR LUCK?
A GIRL LIKE JENNY
METZGER FALLING IN LOVE
WITH A PLAIN, SIMPLE,
ORDINARY GUY LIKE ME.
[ SCATTING ]
- YOU UNDERSTAND,
DON'T YOU, MAYNARD?
- YEAH, SURE. LIKE, WHAT?
- WHY I GOTTA MARRY
JENNY RIGHT AWAY.
- SURE I DO, GOOD BUDDY.
THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING I DON'T, LIKE, DIG.
- WHAT?
- WHY YOU GOTTA MARRY
JENNY RIGHT AWAY?
- BECAUSE SHE'S THE FIRST GIRL
IN MY WHOLE, HUNGRY,
YEARNING 17-YEAR-OLD LIFE
WHO'S EVER BEEN IN LOVE WITH ME.
AND I GOTTA MARRY HER RIGHT AWAY
BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND
ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH ME.
- DOBIE.
- YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR MIND.
- ABOUT WHAT?
- OH, NOTHING. OKAY.
UH, HAVE YOU
FIGURED OUT ANYTHING?
- YES. AND I'VE DECIDED
THAT YOU ARE WRONG.
- WRONG?
- DOBIE, THIS IS
THE 20TH CENTURY.
PARENTS ARE MORE
ENLIGHTENED NOW.
- MM-HMM.
- WHY, I'M POSITIVE
THAT YOUR FATHER
COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE
AS MEAN AND STUBBORN
AND HARD-HEADED AS
YOU MAKE HIM OUT TO BE.
WHY HE HASN'T EVEN MET ME YET.
AND I'M SURE THAT ONCE
I EXPLAIN IT ALL TO HIM,
YOU'LL FIND THAT HE'S
REALLY VERY NORMAL, KINDLY,
AND UNDERSTANDING.
AND IT'S TERRIBLE THE WAY
MOST COUPLES
ENTER INTO MARRIAGE,
ON AN UNTHINKING,
ROMANTIC BASIS.
OH, I'M ALL FOR ROMANCE.
BUT NOW THAT WE'RE
PRACTICALLY ENGAGED,
I'M ALSO BEING REALISTIC.
AND I FEEL SURE THAT DOBIE
AND I HAVE EVERY CHANCE
FOR THE HAPPIEST OF
FUTURES TOGETHER.
- WELL, IT'S NICE THAT YOU'RE
GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT.
DON'T YOU AGREE, HERBERT?
- WELL, OH, MY
GOODNESS, THE TIME. I...
IT'S BEEN LOVELY MEETING
YOU, MRS. GILLIS AND MR. GILLIS.
- HERBERT, SAY GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.
- STAY HERE AND SEE HOW WE DID.
- ANYTHING YOU SAY, MY DARLING.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE DEAR.
- BYE.
- THIS IS DOBIE'S
HOME, TOO, YOU KNOW.
THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS
BE CIVIL TO HIS FRIENDS.
THE WAY YOU JUST STOOD
THERE! I'M SORRY, DOBIE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
APOLOGIZE TO JENNY.
- HUH?
- FOR THE WAY YOUR FATHER ACTED.
- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MOM.
JENNY'S VERY INTELLIGENT.
SHE CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH DAD.
SHE'LL UNDERSTAND THAT...
- SHE'LL UNDERSTAND ME?
- SHE'S VERY BROAD-MINDED.
OF COURSE, I HAD
ALREADY EXPLAINED TO HER
THAT YOU'RE A
SIMPLE, HUMBLE MAN.
- DOBIE, I THINK YOU HAD
BETTER LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER.
- SURE. SURE. SAY ANYTHING
TO ME YOU WANT, OLD DAD.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- YEAH, AND STOP WORRYING
ABOUT WHAT JENNY THINKS OF YOU.
SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH,
THERE'S EVEN SOME LEFT OVER
TO SLOP OVER ON YOU, OLD DAD.
- NOW, HERBERT.
DOBIE, I'M AFRAID
THAT YOUR FATHER DIDN'T
QUITE APPROVE OF JENNY.
- HUH? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- LISTEN, TELL ME ONE THING.
WHAT WERE THOSE THAT
THE WHATEVER IT WAS
SHE WAS ALMOST WEARING?
- THEY'RE SHORT SHORTS.
- MM, REALLY?
ARE YOU SURE THEY ARE
NOT SHORT SHORT SHORTS,
OR EVEN SHORT SHORT
SHORT SHORT SHORT SHORTS?
- OH, YOU KNOW VERY
WELL WHAT THEY'RE CALLED.
- MY GRANDMOTHER
WORE A LACE CHOKER
THAT CAME LOWER THAN THAT.
- WELL, SHE PROBABLY
DIDN'T HAVE JENNY'S LEGS.
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE
HAD LEGS. NOBODY KNOWS.
- WHAT ON EARTH DOES
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
GOT TO DO WITH THIS?
- SHE'S GOT THIS TO DO WITH IT.
SHE IS THE KIND OF A WOMAN
MY GRANDFATHER MARRIED.
SHE IS THE KIND OF A
WOMAN MY FATHER MARRIED.
SHE IS THE KIND OF
A WOMAN I MARRIED.
- ME?
- AND SHE IS THE KIND OF A
WOMAN HE IS GOING TO MARRY.
- WITHOUT LEGS?
- BARRING HIGH WINDS
AND TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS,
WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
- OH, DAD.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH SHORT SHORTS.
- HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF YOUR MOTHER RAN
AROUND IN THINGS LIKE THAT?
- WHY I THINK SHE'D
LOOK VERY NICE.
- THANK YOU, DOBIE.
- YEAH. SAY, YOU KNOW,
MOM, SOME OF THE SHORTS
ARE SHORTER THAN THE OTHERS.
- LISTEN!
NOW, YOU GET THESE
IDEAS ABOUT MARRIAGE
RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD!
- NOW, HERBERT, IF THEY
DO DECIDE TO GET MARRIED...
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF?
IT'S ALL DECIDED.
- BUT, DOBIE DEAR, YOU HAVEN'T
GIVEN THIS ENOUGH THOUGHT.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO
THINK ABOUT. SHE LOVES ME.
I LOVE HER. WHAT ELSE MATTERS?
- DO YOU SEE,
HERBERT? DO YOU SEE?
THAT BOY HAS GOT
MARRIAGE ON HIS MIND.
- HE'S GOT NOTHING ON HIS MIND.
MARRIAGE. HOW DOES HE
EXPECT TO SUPPORT A WIFE?
- WELL, KIDS NEVER
THINK OF THINGS LIKE THAT.
- KIDS NEVER THINK OF
ANYTHING. MARRIAGE.
WHY HE'S HARDLY ABLE
TO TIE HIS OWN SHOELACES.
WHY DO YOU THINK HE WEARS
MOCCASINS ALL THE TIME?
- LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT HIS
FEET. LET'S TALK ABOUT HIS HEAD.
- OKAY. WHICH ONE?
- HERBERT.
A BOY WHO HAS GOT MARRIAGE
ON HIS MIND. MARRIAGE?!
A BOY WHO HAS GOT
MARRIAGE ON HIS MIND
HAS GOT TO KNOW CERTAIN FACTS.
- WHAT KIND OF FACTS?
- HAVE YOU EVER HAD THAT
TALK WITH HIM ABOUT, YOU KNOW?
- UH, WELL, NOW, LISTEN...
- WELL, HAVE YOU?
- WELL, UH, NOT YET.
- HERBERT!
- WHAT'S ALL THE RUSH ABOUT?
AFTER ALL, THE KID'S
ONLY 17 YEARS OLD.
I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
HE COMES IN HERE
AND SAYS THAT, I MEAN,
AND THE GIRL COMES
IN IN THE, I MEAN,
I GOTTA HAVE A
TALK WITH THAT BOY.
- YOU CERTAINLY DO.
- DOBIE DEAR, YOU
KNOW SOMETHING?
YOUR FATHER'S
JUSTIFIED IN THINKING
THAT YOU CAN'T SUPPORT US.
- HUH?
- BUT I'VE GOT THE ANSWER.
- OH BOY.
- YOU'RE GOING TO WORK.
- WORK?
- OH, BOY.
- AND PROVE THAT
YOU CAN SUPPORT US.
- WORK?
- NOW...
- AND THEN HE'LL BE ON OUR SIDE.
- WORK?
- I CAN'T HOLD A JOB.
- WELL OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
GOING TO BE AN EMPLOYER.
- ME?
- HIM?
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE AN
EMPLOYER, DOBIE DEAR.
I MEAN, IT TAKES BRAINS
TO HOLD A JOB. BUT A BOSS.
- A BOSS DOESN'T NEED BRAINS?
- WELL A BOSS JUST
HAS TO BE A BOSS.
- YEAH.
- THAT MAKES SENSE.
- YEAH. WHAT AM I GONNA BOSS?
- WE ARE STARTING A
BABYSITTING SERVICE.
- A BABYSITTING SERVICE?
NO, IT WON'T WORK.
- WORK?
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD...
- WELL NOTHING'S GONNA WORK
WITH THAT NEGATIVE ATTITUDE.
DOBIE, YOU'VE JUST GOT
TO BE MORE POSITIVE.
- ALL RIGHT. OKAY. I'M POSITIVE.
- GOOD.
- I'M POSITIVE IT WON'T WORK.
- WORK?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
- THAT'S ONE OF YOUR
PROBLEMS, DOBIE.
YOU LACK CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.
- AND I'M RIGHT. I'M RIGHT.
- AH, BUT I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE.
- OKAY. HOW?
- BY PUTTING YOU IN CHARGE
OF THE SIMPLEST
HUMAN ORGANISM, A BABY.
- YEAH, THEY'RE PRETTY SIMPLE
ALL RIGHT, MESSY, BUT SIMPLE.
- AND WE'LL BEAT THE COMPETITION
BY BEING SUPER
EFFICIENT BABYSITTERS.
- UH-HUH. YEAH.
- WE'LL NEED A WHOLE
LIST OF SUPPLIES.
WE'LL NEED SAFETY
PINS, BABY POWDER...
- SAFETY PINS, BABY
POWDER, BABY YEAH...
- AND BABY FOOD AND BABY
OIL AND WELL, ALL THAT STUFF,
YOU COULD GET IT ALL AT
YOUR FATHER'S GROCERY.
- YEAH, WE OH, JUST A
MINUTE NOW. I'M SORRY...
- I SAID YOU COULD GET IT ALL
FROM YOUR FATHER'S
GROCERY, BOSS.
- BOSS? THE BOSS, YEAH.
HEY, IT MIGHT WORK.
- WORK?
- MAYNARD!
- DOBIE'S JUST FINISHED LUNCH.
NOW IS A VERY GOOD TIME
FOR YOU TO TALK TO HIM.
- OH, WINNIE, PLEASE.
- DO YOU WANT HIM TO
LEARN IT ON A STREET CORNER
OR IN A POOL ROOM?
- OKAY.
- HE'S COMING. HERE AND NOW.
- BYE, MOM.
- GOODBYE.
- OH, MY BABY.
[ CRYING ]
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MOM?
- OH, NEVER MIND.
SON, THERE'S SOMETHING I
WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
WELL, I DON'T REALLY
WANNA. BUT I GOTTA.
- SURE, DAD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?
- DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
HANGING AROUND A POOL ROOM?
- NO, SIR.
- YOU CAN LEARN A LOT
AROUND A POOL ROOM.
- ABOUT WHAT?
- ABOUT HOW TO PLAY POOL.
- I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE POOL.
WHERE ARE THE NIPPLES, DAD?
- IN THE BOTTLES.
- WELL, AS LONG AS WE'RE
ON THE SUBJECT OF POOL,
YOU KNOW HOW FELLAS
TALK AROUND A POOL ROOM.
- WHAT FELLAS?
- ANY FELLAS.
- WELL, I'VE NEVER
BEEN IN A POOL ROOM.
- OH, WELL, YOU COULD
HAVE HUNG AROUND ONE
AND SAVED ME A LOT OF TROUBLE.
- OH, I'D BE GLAD TO, DAD.
- OH, GOOD. FINE.
THAT'S SETTLED THEN.
- ONLY THERE ISN'T ANY
POOL ROOM IN TOWN.
- DOBIE.
- YES, SIR?
- NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I
WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT,
AND IT'S VERY SERIOUS.
- SERIOUS?
- VERY.
- WHATEVER I'VE DONE,
I'M SURE I DIDN'T DO IT.
- IT'S NOTHING YOU'VE
DONE, I DON'T THINK, YET.
- I CAN EXPLAIN IT.
- DOBIE.
- OR IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
- NOW, DOBIE...
- I SWEAR.
- SHUT UP!
- YES, SIR.
- NOW, SON, AS YOU PROBABLY
KNOW, THERE ARE TWO SEXES.
- BOY, DO I KNOW IT.
- KNOCK THAT OFF,
MISTER, THIS IS SERIOUS.
- YES, SIR.
- NOW, HOW DO I BEGIN?
- SHOULD WE START WITH BIRDS?
- BIRDS? WHY BIRDS?
- WELL, DAD, YOU SEE, THEY'RE
VERY MUCH LIKE PEOPLE.
- NOT ANY PEOPLE I KNOW.
- NO, DAD.
I MEAN, THEY GET MARRIED
AND LIVE TOGETHER
ALL THEIR LIVES, AND THEY
HAVE COURTING HABITS.
- WHERE DID YOU LEARN ALL THIS?
- I LEARNED IT IN SCHOOL.
- IN SCHOOL?
- YEAH, NOW YOU TAKE
EGRETS, FOR EXAMPLE.
EGRETS, YOU KNOW, THOSE BIRDS
WITH THE LONG SKINNY NECKS.
NOW YOU SEE, THE MALE EGRET
AND THE FEMALE
EGRET SIT SIDE BY SIDE,
AND THEY KIND OF WIND THEIR
NECKS AROUND EACH OTHER
AND KIND OF NIBBLE
ON EACH OTHER'S PLUME.
- THIS WAS IN SCHOOL, TOO?
- YES, SIR, THEY SHOWED A MOVIE.
- WAIT TILL THE
NEXT PTA MEETING.
I'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
- YEAH, NOW THERE WAS A
MOVIE ABOUT THE RUFFED GROUSE,
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THE RUFFED GROUSE,
IT'S A SCOTCH BIRD
WITH A BIG RUFF OF
FEATHERS AROUND ITS NECK.
YOU SEE, THE MALE GROUSE
RUFFS OUT HIS NECK
TO ATTRACT A FEMALE.
- THIS WAS IN SCHOOL, TOO?
- YEAH. NOW, THE FEMALE,
SHE JUST SITS THERE
PLAYING HARD TO GET.
- WITH SCHOOLS LIKE THAT,
WHAT DO WE NEED WITH POOL ROOMS?
- YEAH, AND THE MALE
GROUSE DRUMS HIS FOOT
TO EXCITE THE FEMALE'S INTEREST.
- WATCH THAT KIND OF TALK,
BOY. YOUR MOTHER'S UPSTAIRS.
- OH. WHERE'S THE
TALCUM POWDER, DAD?
- IN THE OTHER RACK.
- OH, YEAH.
- AND YOU MEAN, UH, THEY
SHOWED MOVIES AT THIS?
- YES, SIR, VISUAL
EDUCATION THEY CALL IT.
- THAT AIN'T WHAT I CALL IT.
- ANYTHING ELSE YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT, DAD?
- NO, I GUESS NOT.
- WELL, I'LL BE SEEING YOU.
- SON, I'M GLAD WE
HAD THIS LITTLE TALK.
AND REMEMBER I'M ALWAYS HERE.
AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING
YOU EVER NEED TO KNOW,
WHY, DON'T GO TO STRANGERS.
- I APPRECIATE THAT, DAD.
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT
FATHERS ARE FOR.
- GEE THANKS, DAD.
[ DOOR CLOSING]
- WELL, DID YOU HAVE YOUR TALK?
- WE SURE DID.
- DID YOU TELL HIM EVERYTHING?
- HE DID... I MEAN,
I DID EVERYTHING.
AND, YOU KNOW, WINNIE,
I'M KIND OF GLAD WE
HAD THAT LITTLE TALK.
- I COULD TELL THAT
YOU TALKED TO HIM.
I COULD SEE THE CHANGE IN HIM
WHEN HE WALKED OUT OF HERE,
TALLER, STRAIGHTER,
FINER, CARRYING THAT BOX.
- YEAH, YEAH. UH, WINNIE, DO YOU
KNOW WHAT A RUFFED GROUSE IS?
- MY BABY.
- NO, IT'S A CRAZY BIRD, SEE.
- WAS HE DELIVERING AN ORDER?
- DOBIE? OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
IN FACT, IT'S TWO CRAZY BIRDS,
SEE, A MALE AND A FEMALE.
- WHAT DID DOBIE
HAVE IN THE BOX?
- OH, HE HAD A WHOLE
BUNCH OF STUFF.
HE HAD A LIST
STRAINED VEGETABLES,
TALCUM POWDER, BABY OIL...
- BABY OIL?
AND, YOU SEE, THESE GROUSE,
THESE BIG RUFFS OF FEATHERS
AROUND THEIR NECKS, SEE.
- WHAT WAS DOBIE DOING
WITH ALL THOSE BABY SUPPLIES?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
AND THIS CRAZY MAN GROUSE, SEE,
HE DRUMS ON THE
GROUND LIKE THIS...
STRAINED VEGETABLES,
TALCUM POWDER,
BABY OIL...
- YES, HERBERT.
OUR BABY IS MARRIED.
- WINNIE, OUR BABY
IS NOT ONLY MARRIED,
OUR BABY'S GOT HIS OWN BABY.
- I'M HUNGRY. WHERE DO
THEY KEEP THE SNACKS?
- THE KITCHEN MAYBE.
GOOD THINKING, YEAH.
- THERE. THE BABY'S
FINALLY ASLEEP.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.
- OH, YEAH.
- THERE. COMFIER?
- YEAH.
- SOME DAY, A REAL
SOON SOME DAY,
WE'LL HAVE A HOUSE
LIKE THIS, WON'T WE?
- OH, YES. YES.
- AND THE BABY IN THAT
BEDROOM WILL BE OURS, HUH?
- HA HA HA.
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- OH, NOTHING. NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT, WELL, IF I'D
KNOWN WORK WAS LIKE THIS,
I'D HAVE DABBLED
IN IT A LOT SOONER.
- I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT.
- YEAH, AND I OWE ALL MY
SUCCESS TO YOU, MY LOVE.
- WHY, THANK YOU.
- YOU'VE GOT A REAL HEAD. YEAH.
THIS IS REAL CUSHY,
MAKING MONEY, NO WORRIES.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE. STAY THERE.
I'LL GET IT, BOSS.
- BOSS.
- HEY, POPS.
THESE PEOPLE GOT
REAL CRAZY SNACKS
FOR THEIR SITTERS.
HEY, MAYBE YOU OUGHT
TO, LIKE, GO HELP HER.
- NO, NOT ME. I'M IN
THE EXECUTIVE END.
- OH.
- MAYNARD, WHERE'D YOU
GET THAT TURKEY LEG?
- THEY HAD IT IN,
LIKE, AN ICEBOX.
- WHAT KIND OF AN ICEBOX?
- ABOUT SIX FEET
LONG, FOUR FEET WIDE.
IT OPENS FROM THE TOP.
- MAYNARD, THAT
WAS THE DEEP FREEZE.
- COOL.
- PUTTING ON A TIE
FOR A VISITING JANITOR.
- HERBERT, I KEEP TELLING YOU
MR. METZGER IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT MAN IN THE MUSEUM.
HE'S THE CURATOR.
- THIS IS STUPID. I OUGHT TO
PUT ON A PAIR OF OVERALLS,
MAKE HIM FEEL MORE AT HOME.
- HERBERT, MR. AND MRS. METZGER
ARE JENNY'S PARENTS,
AND JENNY IS DOBIE'S WIFE.
WIFE?
AND I HAVE INVITED THEM OVER
HERE SO THAT WE CAN MEET THEM
AND HAVE A NICE,
PLEASANT, CIVILIZED TALK.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
THERE THEY ARE.
- WELL TELL THEM TO PARK
THEM DUST PANS AND
BROOMS AND COME ON IN.
- HERBERT, YOU PROMISED.
- I PROMISED. EIGHTEEN
TIMES I PROMISED.
- NO YELLING.
- ALL RIGHT.
- AND LEAD UP TO THE SUBJECT
OF THE MARRIAGE GENTLY.
REMEMBER THIS MAY BE AS
MUCH OF A SHOCK TO THEM,
AS IT WAS TO US.
SO BE SUBTLE.
- I WILL BE SUBTLE.
I WILL BE GENTLE.
I WILL BE POLITE.
I WILL BE REFINED.
I WILL BOW FROM THE
WAIST. I'LL RAISE MY PINKY.
[ DOORBELL RINGING]
I'LL DO A CURTSY. AND GO
ANSWER THE DOOR ALREADY!
- JUST PLEASANT CONVERSATION
UNTIL THEY'RE SETTLED!
- ARGH!
- WELL, YOU MUST BE
MR. AND MRS. METZGER.
I'M WINIFRED GILLIS, AND THIS
IS MY HUSBAND, HERBERT GILLIS.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- WELL...
- WELL...
- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS
STUPID MARRIAGE, HUH?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS YOUNG, AND
IT WAS SPRINGTIME.
AND THE LILACS WERE IN BLOOM.
AND HER FAMILY
HAD A LITTLE MONEY.
- WELL, SHALL WE ALL SIT DOWN
AND HAVE SOME CAKE
AND SOME COFFEE?
MRS. METZGER, YOU SIT THERE,
AND, MR. METZGER, YOU SIT HERE.
AND, HERBERT,
YOU SIT OVER THERE.
IT MUST BE VERY INTERESTING,
THE WORK THAT YOU DO AT
THE MUSEUM, MR. METZGER.
- OH, YES. AS A MATTER OF
FACT, IT IS RATHER INTERESTING.
QUITE A LOT OF
RESPONSIBILITY, TOO.
WE'VE JUST ADDED A
NEW WING, YOU KNOW.
- AND A LOT OF MORE FLOORS
AND WINDOWS TO KEEP CLEAN, HUH?
- I HAPPEN TO BE CURATOR
OF THE COUNTY MUSEUM.
- YES, WE KNOW.
AND IT DOESN'T MAKE A
BIT OF DIFFERENCE TO US.
IF THERE IS ONE THING
WE ARE NOT, IT'S SNOBS.
OF COURSE, IT MAY
LOOK TO YOU LIKE WE LIVE
PRETTY HIGH AROUND HERE.
BUT DEEP DOWN UNDERNEATH,
WE'RE JUST PLAIN SIMPLE FOLK.
- MR. METZGER IS CURATOR.
- HERBERT, BEING CURATOR
IS A VERY IMPORTANT POSITION.
- WELL, CERTAINLY IT IS.
AND THAT'S WHAT
I ALWAYS SAY, PAL.
CLEANLINESS IS
NEXT TO GODLINESS.
SO YOU JUST KEEP DOING
YOUR JOB OUT THERE.
YOU JUST KEEP THAT
MUSEUM SPIC AND SPAN.
AND ONE OF THESE DAYS,
SOMEBODY IS BOUND TO NOTICE.
WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS
IDLE CHITTER-CHATTERING.
WHAT ABOUT THIS
RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS SPRINGTIME. I WAS YOUNG.
AND THE LILACS
WERE IN BLOOM. AND...
- WHAT RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MR. GILLIS?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE.
- NO, YOU WON'T!
- SHE'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M TALKING...
- I WILL TELL YOU
GENTLY AND QUIETLY.
HERBERT, YOU GO
AND GET MRS. METZGER
A GLASS OF WATER.
- WHAT DO I NEED WITH
A GLASS OF WATER?
- NOW PREPARE YOURSELF
FOR A SHOCK, MRS. METZGER.
COMPOSE YOURSELF.
TRY TO BE CALM. DON'T PANIC.
- WHAT? WHAT? W-W-WHAT?
- YOUR JENNY AND OUR
DOBIE ARE MARRIED.
- ESMUND, NONE
OF YOUR DRAMATICS.
- I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.
- OH, HA HA, WHY
IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,
MOST PREPOSTEROUS THING
I'VE EVER HEARD IN ALL MY LIFE.
I MEAN, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,
ISN'T IT, ESMUND?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THEY'RE
YOUNG, AND IT'S SPRING.
AND THE LILACS ARE IN BLOOM.
WE DO HAVE A LITTLE MONEY.
- ESMUND, WAIT
TILL I GET YOU HOME.
MR. GILLIS, IF THIS IS WHAT
YOU HAD CALLED US OVER HERE
TO TELL US, THIS VISIT IS ENDED.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU
GOT SUCH AN ABSURD NOTION.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER
SIT BACK DOWN AGAIN, LADY,
BECAUSE HERE ON IN, IT
GETS EVEN MORE ABSURD.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- YOU TELL THEM, WINNIE.
I'LL GET THE WATER.
- OH DEAR.
- OH DEAR, WHAT?
- NOT ONLY ARE JENNY AND
DOBIE MARRIED. THEY HAVE A BABY.
- RIDICULOUS!
- IMPOSSIBLE.
- RIDICULOUS.
- YOU TWO MUST BE
OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- WELL, JUST ABOUT.
- HERBERT, PERHAPS WE
ARE BEING A LITTLE HASTY.
JENNY COULDN'T HAVE A BABY
WITHOUT HER PARENTS
KNOWING ABOUT IT.
- OF COURSE NOT.
- YES. WELL THEN,
ANSWER ME THIS.
DID YOU SEE JENNY
NOT HAVE A BABY?
- JENNY HAS NOT BEEN
OUT OF OUR SIGHT,
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, WHEN WE
WENT TO EUROPE LAST WINTER.
- AHA!
- AND SHE STAYED WITH MY
SISTER CLARA THE ENTIRE WINTER.
- OH HO!
- I WILL TAKE CARE
OF THE OH HO LATER.
I WILL DEAL WITH
THE AHA RIGHT NOW.
MR. GILLIS, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT STRANGE KIND OF
MADNESS HAS POSSESSED YOU,
BUT THIS I DO KNOW.
JENNY IS NOT MARRIED,
AND SHE DOES NOT HAVE A BABY.
- OH, YES?
WELL, YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT THAT KID OF YOURS,
TELL ME, WHERE IS SHE RIGHT NOW?
- I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY
WHERE SHE IS RIGHT NOW.
SHE IS AT THIS NUMBER.
JENNY NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE
WITHOUT GIVING ME
THE PHONE NUMBER
AND THE ADDRESS WHERE SHE IS.
AND NOW, ESMUND, WE
WILL SAY GOOD NIGHT.
- OH, CAN'T WE PLEASE STAY AND
HAVE SOME OF THIS NICE CAKE?
- SAY GOOD NIGHT, ESMUND.
- GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR A
VERY LOVELY EVENING.
- NO, HERBERT. WE
WILL NOT CALL THEM.
WE WILL TRUST OUR SON.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- MAN, IF I KNEW
WORK WAS SO EASY,
I WOULDN'T HAVE WASTED
ALL MY TIME LOAFING.
- OH.
- I THINK BABY'S HUNGRY.
IT'S ALMOST TIME
FOR DOBIE'S FORMULA.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING]
- HELLO? HELLO?
[ BABY CRYING]
- MAYNARD, HERE,
TAKE CARE OF THE BABY.
MAYNARD, I'M GONNA GO
HELP JENNY IN THE KITCHEN.
- COOL, MAN.
HEY, WE'LL, LIKE, WATCH
TV TOGETHER, HUH?
YOU LIKE TELEVISION, KID?
YEAH, ME, TOO.
THAT'S, LIKE, A WESTERN.
NOW, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT TO WATCH FOR, KID.
SEE THAT STAGECOACH PULLING UP?
NOW IF A GUY GETS
OFF WITH A BLACK HAT,
HE'S, LIKE, BAD.
YOU SEE THAT LITTLE
DOG SITTING THERE?
IF A GUY GETS OFF AND PETS
THAT LITTLE DOG, HE'S, LIKE, GOOD.
AHA!
SEE THAT GUY GETTING
OFF WITH THE BLACK HAT?
HE'S, LIKE, BAD.
BUT HE'S PETTING A LITTLE DOG.
OH, I DON'T DIG.
IS HE, LIKE, GOOD OR, LIKE, BAD?
MUST BE ONE OF
THOSE ADULT WESTERNS.
SURE, IT'S AN ADULT WESTERN.
HERE COMES AN INDIAN IN A SUIT.
BACK FROM COLLEGE I GUESS, YEAH.
OH, HERE COMES THE SHERIFF. SEE?
HE'S WALKING RIGHT DOWN
THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
OH, NOW THE GUY IN THE BLACK HAT
IS WALKING TOWARDS HIM.
AND EVERYBODY'S
GETTING OUT OF THE WAY.
OH, AND THE SHERIFF'S, LIKE,
WALKING AND WALKING AND WALKING.
AND THE GUY IN THE BLACK HAT IS,
LIKE, WALKING AND WALKING.
MAN, THEY'RE WALKING A LONG WAY.
KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NOW,
KID? THE COMMERCIAL, YEAH.
QUIET, KID. THIS IS THE
PART I LIKE THE BEST.
OOH BOY. I DIG
THOSE COMMERCIALS.
THEY'RE THE MOST.
LOOK AT THOSE MEDICINE
BOTTLES MARCHING UP AND DOWN.
YEAH, AND IT'S, LIKE,
EDUCATIONAL, TOO.
I MEAN A STOMACH WITH
ALL THOSE LITTLE "A" s AND Bs
GOING THROUGH.
OOH, I HOPE THE
"A" s WIN TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, KID. IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO GO TO BED.
WHOA. HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW
WE HAD LITTLE HAMMERS
IN OUR HEADS.
WONDER THEY GET,
LIKE, HEADACHES.
[ BABY CRYING ]
- ARE YOU GONNA KILL HIM, VICK?
- THAT DOG. KILL HIM.
[ DOORBELL RINGING]
- UNDERSTAND IT, BUT
I WOULD KIND OF LIKE
TO GET OLD PINK BACK.
- LOCAL... ABOUT THAT BOY. HUH?
- NO, PINK'S MY WIFE.
MY FAMILY GOES FOR
THEM FANCY NAMES.
- OH, MAYNARD.
OH, I JUST SAW YOU UNEXPECTEDLY.
- IT'S OKAY, MRS. GILLIS. MY
MOTHER DOES THE SAME THING.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ME? I'M WATCHING THE
BABY FOR DOBIE AND JENNY.
- WHERE IS DOBIE?
- IN THE KITCHEN WITH JENNY,
FIXING UP FOR THE BABY.
LIKE, PARDON ME.
- NOW, HERBERT, NO YELLING.
- I CAN'T PROMISE.
- WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
- LOOK, A REGULAR LOVE NEST.
- OH, WE MUST FACE IT
AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. I
JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
- THEY'RE MARRIED
AND HAVE A BABY.
- THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND.
- BUT HOW DOES DOBIE
KEEP UP A PLACE LIKE THIS
ON AN ALLOWANCE OF $5 A WEEK,
WHICH I HAVEN'T GIVEN
HIM FOR SIX WEEKS?
- LIKE, QUIET, PLEASE.
THEY'RE GONNA START
WASHING WITH BRAND X NOW.
- SHUT THAT THING OFF.
YOU'RE MIXED UP IN THIS ANYWAY.
- ME? NOT ME, MR. GILLIS.
- I'LL FIGURE A WAY.
- YOU CALM DOWN. THEY'LL
BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
- I'LL BE THERE SOONER.
- BOY, THIS BABY
BUSINESS IS FUN.
I FIGURE WE OUGHT TO EXPAND.
- LET'S GET THIS BABY FED FIRST.
- WELL, THIS ONE BABY'S SO EASY,
I FIGURE WE CAN HANDLE LOTS MORE
AND AS SOON AS WE CAN GET THEM.
ABOUT HALF A DOZEN,
HUH? WHY WAIT?
- NOT RIGHT AWAY.
- WHY NOT?
WE'VE GOT MAYNARD
TO HELP US. DAD, MOM...
- OH, DOBIE, MY BABY.
- HOW'D YOU FIND OUT?
- YOU'VE GOTTA GET UP
PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO FOOL HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. I
HAVE TO GO FEED THE BABY.
- YOU SOUND MAD.
- AUGH!
- I THOUGHT YOU'D BE PROUD.
- OH, WE ARE, DEAR. WE ARE.
- PROUD?
- WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS
COMPLAINING ABOUT ME LOAFING,
WANTING ME TO DO SOMETHING.
- WELL, THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
- OH, IS THAT THE BABY?
- YES. WOULD YOU
LIKE TO HOLD HIM?
- WINNIE, DON'T MAKE
FRIENDS SO FAST THERE.
- OH, WE LIKE OUR
MILK, DON'T WE?
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE DOBIE.
- WINNIE, PLEASE.
- NAH, DOBIE'S A LOT TALLER.
- OH, I MEAN THE FEATURES,
THE EYES AND THE NOSE
AND THE MOUTH. SEE?
- YEP. THEY'RE ALL THERE.
- DAD, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, SON.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW.
WE UNDERSTAND.
WE'RE YOUR PARENTS.
- DAD, YOU'RE WRONG.
- I AM NOT WRONG.
I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER BRINGING
YOU HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.
- NO, DAD.
- YES, YES.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE
IT AT FIRST MYSELF.
BUT THEY BROUGHT
YOU IN, AND THERE IT WAS,
A LITTLE BRACELET, BABY GILLIS.
I MADE THEM DOUBLE-CHECK IT.
- DAD.
- WINNIE, WILL YOU, PLEASE?
- HERE. GIVE ME THAT BABY.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING HERE.
I GOTTA FIND OUT IF YEP.
TEMPERATURE'S RIGHT.
HEY, HERE WE GO. HA HA.
HOW'S THAT PARTNER, HUH?
HEY, HE'S A BIG ONE, AIN'T HE?
- DAD. DAD, LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.
- OH SHUT UP. YES.
OH, WINNIE, IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME SINCE I WAS A FATHER.
SO I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE WHOLE THING.
- OH, IT'S OKAY, DAD.
- NO. NO. I WENT OFF
HALF-COCKED AGAIN, AS USUAL,
JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS
ALL OVER THE PLACE,
MADE A DARN FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
AND DON'T YOU EVER DO IT AGAIN.
- SHH.
- YEAH, SHH.
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
THE GOOD GUY'S
WEARING A BLACK HAT.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- YOU ARE LOOKING
AT A HAPPY MAN,
A VERY HAPPY MAN.
WHY, YOU'LL KNOW THAT I'M P.E.
THAT MEANS PRACTICALLY
ENGAGED. YES, SIR.
ME AND JENNY METZGER.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR LUCK?
A GIRL LIKE JENNY
METZGER FALLING IN LOVE
WITH A PLAIN, SIMPLE,
ORDINARY GUY LIKE ME.
[ SCATTING ]
- YOU UNDERSTAND,
DON'T YOU, MAYNARD?
- YEAH, SURE. LIKE, WHAT?
- WHY I GOTTA MARRY
JENNY RIGHT AWAY.
- SURE I DO, GOOD BUDDY.
THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING I DON'T, LIKE, DIG.
- WHAT?
- WHY YOU GOTTA MARRY
JENNY RIGHT AWAY?
- BECAUSE SHE'S THE FIRST GIRL
IN MY WHOLE, HUNGRY,
YEARNING 17-YEAR-OLD LIFE
WHO'S EVER BEEN IN LOVE WITH ME.
AND I GOTTA MARRY HER RIGHT AWAY
BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND
ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH ME.
- DOBIE.
- YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR MIND.
- ABOUT WHAT?
- OH, NOTHING. OKAY.
UH, HAVE YOU
FIGURED OUT ANYTHING?
- YES. AND I'VE DECIDED
THAT YOU ARE WRONG.
- WRONG?
- DOBIE, THIS IS
THE 20TH CENTURY.
PARENTS ARE MORE
ENLIGHTENED NOW.
- MM-HMM.
- WHY, I'M POSITIVE
THAT YOUR FATHER
COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE
AS MEAN AND STUBBORN
AND HARD-HEADED AS
YOU MAKE HIM OUT TO BE.
WHY HE HASN'T EVEN MET ME YET.
AND I'M SURE THAT ONCE
I EXPLAIN IT ALL TO HIM,
YOU'LL FIND THAT HE'S
REALLY VERY NORMAL, KINDLY,
AND UNDERSTANDING.
AND IT'S TERRIBLE THE WAY
MOST COUPLES
ENTER INTO MARRIAGE,
ON AN UNTHINKING,
ROMANTIC BASIS.
OH, I'M ALL FOR ROMANCE.
BUT NOW THAT WE'RE
PRACTICALLY ENGAGED,
I'M ALSO BEING REALISTIC.
AND I FEEL SURE THAT DOBIE
AND I HAVE EVERY CHANCE
FOR THE HAPPIEST OF
FUTURES TOGETHER.
- WELL, IT'S NICE THAT YOU'RE
GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT.
DON'T YOU AGREE, HERBERT?
- WELL, OH, MY
GOODNESS, THE TIME. I...
IT'S BEEN LOVELY MEETING
YOU, MRS. GILLIS AND MR. GILLIS.
- HERBERT, SAY GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.
- STAY HERE AND SEE HOW WE DID.
- ANYTHING YOU SAY, MY DARLING.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE DEAR.
- BYE.
- THIS IS DOBIE'S
HOME, TOO, YOU KNOW.
THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS
BE CIVIL TO HIS FRIENDS.
THE WAY YOU JUST STOOD
THERE! I'M SORRY, DOBIE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
APOLOGIZE TO JENNY.
- HUH?
- FOR THE WAY YOUR FATHER ACTED.
- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MOM.
JENNY'S VERY INTELLIGENT.
SHE CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH DAD.
SHE'LL UNDERSTAND THAT...
- SHE'LL UNDERSTAND ME?
- SHE'S VERY BROAD-MINDED.
OF COURSE, I HAD
ALREADY EXPLAINED TO HER
THAT YOU'RE A
SIMPLE, HUMBLE MAN.
- DOBIE, I THINK YOU HAD
BETTER LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER.
- SURE. SURE. SAY ANYTHING
TO ME YOU WANT, OLD DAD.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- YEAH, AND STOP WORRYING
ABOUT WHAT JENNY THINKS OF YOU.
SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH,
THERE'S EVEN SOME LEFT OVER
TO SLOP OVER ON YOU, OLD DAD.
- NOW, HERBERT.
DOBIE, I'M AFRAID
THAT YOUR FATHER DIDN'T
QUITE APPROVE OF JENNY.
- HUH? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- LISTEN, TELL ME ONE THING.
WHAT WERE THOSE THAT
THE WHATEVER IT WAS
SHE WAS ALMOST WEARING?
- THEY'RE SHORT SHORTS.
- MM, REALLY?
ARE YOU SURE THEY ARE
NOT SHORT SHORT SHORTS,
OR EVEN SHORT SHORT
SHORT SHORT SHORT SHORTS?
- OH, YOU KNOW VERY
WELL WHAT THEY'RE CALLED.
- MY GRANDMOTHER
WORE A LACE CHOKER
THAT CAME LOWER THAN THAT.
- WELL, SHE PROBABLY
DIDN'T HAVE JENNY'S LEGS.
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE
HAD LEGS. NOBODY KNOWS.
- WHAT ON EARTH DOES
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
GOT TO DO WITH THIS?
- SHE'S GOT THIS TO DO WITH IT.
SHE IS THE KIND OF A WOMAN
MY GRANDFATHER MARRIED.
SHE IS THE KIND OF A
WOMAN MY FATHER MARRIED.
SHE IS THE KIND OF
A WOMAN I MARRIED.
- ME?
- AND SHE IS THE KIND OF A
WOMAN HE IS GOING TO MARRY.
- WITHOUT LEGS?
- BARRING HIGH WINDS
AND TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS,
WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
- OH, DAD.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH SHORT SHORTS.
- HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF YOUR MOTHER RAN
AROUND IN THINGS LIKE THAT?
- WHY I THINK SHE'D
LOOK VERY NICE.
- THANK YOU, DOBIE.
- YEAH. SAY, YOU KNOW,
MOM, SOME OF THE SHORTS
ARE SHORTER THAN THE OTHERS.
- LISTEN!
NOW, YOU GET THESE
IDEAS ABOUT MARRIAGE
RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD!
- NOW, HERBERT, IF THEY
DO DECIDE TO GET MARRIED...
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF?
IT'S ALL DECIDED.
- BUT, DOBIE DEAR, YOU HAVEN'T
GIVEN THIS ENOUGH THOUGHT.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO
THINK ABOUT. SHE LOVES ME.
I LOVE HER. WHAT ELSE MATTERS?
- DO YOU SEE,
HERBERT? DO YOU SEE?
THAT BOY HAS GOT
MARRIAGE ON HIS MIND.
- HE'S GOT NOTHING ON HIS MIND.
MARRIAGE. HOW DOES HE
EXPECT TO SUPPORT A WIFE?
- WELL, KIDS NEVER
THINK OF THINGS LIKE THAT.
- KIDS NEVER THINK OF
ANYTHING. MARRIAGE.
WHY HE'S HARDLY ABLE
TO TIE HIS OWN SHOELACES.
WHY DO YOU THINK HE WEARS
MOCCASINS ALL THE TIME?
- LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT HIS
FEET. LET'S TALK ABOUT HIS HEAD.
- OKAY. WHICH ONE?
- HERBERT.
A BOY WHO HAS GOT MARRIAGE
ON HIS MIND. MARRIAGE?!
A BOY WHO HAS GOT
MARRIAGE ON HIS MIND
HAS GOT TO KNOW CERTAIN FACTS.
- WHAT KIND OF FACTS?
- HAVE YOU EVER HAD THAT
TALK WITH HIM ABOUT, YOU KNOW?
- UH, WELL, NOW, LISTEN...
- WELL, HAVE YOU?
- WELL, UH, NOT YET.
- HERBERT!
- WHAT'S ALL THE RUSH ABOUT?
AFTER ALL, THE KID'S
ONLY 17 YEARS OLD.
I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
HE COMES IN HERE
AND SAYS THAT, I MEAN,
AND THE GIRL COMES
IN IN THE, I MEAN,
I GOTTA HAVE A
TALK WITH THAT BOY.
- YOU CERTAINLY DO.
- DOBIE DEAR, YOU
KNOW SOMETHING?
YOUR FATHER'S
JUSTIFIED IN THINKING
THAT YOU CAN'T SUPPORT US.
- HUH?
- BUT I'VE GOT THE ANSWER.
- OH BOY.
- YOU'RE GOING TO WORK.
- WORK?
- OH, BOY.
- AND PROVE THAT
YOU CAN SUPPORT US.
- WORK?
- NOW...
- AND THEN HE'LL BE ON OUR SIDE.
- WORK?
- I CAN'T HOLD A JOB.
- WELL OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
GOING TO BE AN EMPLOYER.
- ME?
- HIM?
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE AN
EMPLOYER, DOBIE DEAR.
I MEAN, IT TAKES BRAINS
TO HOLD A JOB. BUT A BOSS.
- A BOSS DOESN'T NEED BRAINS?
- WELL A BOSS JUST
HAS TO BE A BOSS.
- YEAH.
- THAT MAKES SENSE.
- YEAH. WHAT AM I GONNA BOSS?
- WE ARE STARTING A
BABYSITTING SERVICE.
- A BABYSITTING SERVICE?
NO, IT WON'T WORK.
- WORK?
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD...
- WELL NOTHING'S GONNA WORK
WITH THAT NEGATIVE ATTITUDE.
DOBIE, YOU'VE JUST GOT
TO BE MORE POSITIVE.
- ALL RIGHT. OKAY. I'M POSITIVE.
- GOOD.
- I'M POSITIVE IT WON'T WORK.
- WORK?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
- THAT'S ONE OF YOUR
PROBLEMS, DOBIE.
YOU LACK CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.
- AND I'M RIGHT. I'M RIGHT.
- AH, BUT I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE.
- OKAY. HOW?
- BY PUTTING YOU IN CHARGE
OF THE SIMPLEST
HUMAN ORGANISM, A BABY.
- YEAH, THEY'RE PRETTY SIMPLE
ALL RIGHT, MESSY, BUT SIMPLE.
- AND WE'LL BEAT THE COMPETITION
BY BEING SUPER
EFFICIENT BABYSITTERS.
- UH-HUH. YEAH.
- WE'LL NEED A WHOLE
LIST OF SUPPLIES.
WE'LL NEED SAFETY
PINS, BABY POWDER...
- SAFETY PINS, BABY
POWDER, BABY YEAH...
- AND BABY FOOD AND BABY
OIL AND WELL, ALL THAT STUFF,
YOU COULD GET IT ALL AT
YOUR FATHER'S GROCERY.
- YEAH, WE OH, JUST A
MINUTE NOW. I'M SORRY...
- I SAID YOU COULD GET IT ALL
FROM YOUR FATHER'S
GROCERY, BOSS.
- BOSS? THE BOSS, YEAH.
HEY, IT MIGHT WORK.
- WORK?
- MAYNARD!
- DOBIE'S JUST FINISHED LUNCH.
NOW IS A VERY GOOD TIME
FOR YOU TO TALK TO HIM.
- OH, WINNIE, PLEASE.
- DO YOU WANT HIM TO
LEARN IT ON A STREET CORNER
OR IN A POOL ROOM?
- OKAY.
- HE'S COMING. HERE AND NOW.
- BYE, MOM.
- GOODBYE.
- OH, MY BABY.
[ CRYING ]
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MOM?
- OH, NEVER MIND.
SON, THERE'S SOMETHING I
WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
WELL, I DON'T REALLY
WANNA. BUT I GOTTA.
- SURE, DAD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?
- DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
HANGING AROUND A POOL ROOM?
- NO, SIR.
- YOU CAN LEARN A LOT
AROUND A POOL ROOM.
- ABOUT WHAT?
- ABOUT HOW TO PLAY POOL.
- I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE POOL.
WHERE ARE THE NIPPLES, DAD?
- IN THE BOTTLES.
- WELL, AS LONG AS WE'RE
ON THE SUBJECT OF POOL,
YOU KNOW HOW FELLAS
TALK AROUND A POOL ROOM.
- WHAT FELLAS?
- ANY FELLAS.
- WELL, I'VE NEVER
BEEN IN A POOL ROOM.
- OH, WELL, YOU COULD
HAVE HUNG AROUND ONE
AND SAVED ME A LOT OF TROUBLE.
- OH, I'D BE GLAD TO, DAD.
- OH, GOOD. FINE.
THAT'S SETTLED THEN.
- ONLY THERE ISN'T ANY
POOL ROOM IN TOWN.
- DOBIE.
- YES, SIR?
- NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I
WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT,
AND IT'S VERY SERIOUS.
- SERIOUS?
- VERY.
- WHATEVER I'VE DONE,
I'M SURE I DIDN'T DO IT.
- IT'S NOTHING YOU'VE
DONE, I DON'T THINK, YET.
- I CAN EXPLAIN IT.
- DOBIE.
- OR IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
- NOW, DOBIE...
- I SWEAR.
- SHUT UP!
- YES, SIR.
- NOW, SON, AS YOU PROBABLY
KNOW, THERE ARE TWO SEXES.
- BOY, DO I KNOW IT.
- KNOCK THAT OFF,
MISTER, THIS IS SERIOUS.
- YES, SIR.
- NOW, HOW DO I BEGIN?
- SHOULD WE START WITH BIRDS?
- BIRDS? WHY BIRDS?
- WELL, DAD, YOU SEE, THEY'RE
VERY MUCH LIKE PEOPLE.
- NOT ANY PEOPLE I KNOW.
- NO, DAD.
I MEAN, THEY GET MARRIED
AND LIVE TOGETHER
ALL THEIR LIVES, AND THEY
HAVE COURTING HABITS.
- WHERE DID YOU LEARN ALL THIS?
- I LEARNED IT IN SCHOOL.
- IN SCHOOL?
- YEAH, NOW YOU TAKE
EGRETS, FOR EXAMPLE.
EGRETS, YOU KNOW, THOSE BIRDS
WITH THE LONG SKINNY NECKS.
NOW YOU SEE, THE MALE EGRET
AND THE FEMALE
EGRET SIT SIDE BY SIDE,
AND THEY KIND OF WIND THEIR
NECKS AROUND EACH OTHER
AND KIND OF NIBBLE
ON EACH OTHER'S PLUME.
- THIS WAS IN SCHOOL, TOO?
- YES, SIR, THEY SHOWED A MOVIE.
- WAIT TILL THE
NEXT PTA MEETING.
I'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
- YEAH, NOW THERE WAS A
MOVIE ABOUT THE RUFFED GROUSE,
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THE RUFFED GROUSE,
IT'S A SCOTCH BIRD
WITH A BIG RUFF OF
FEATHERS AROUND ITS NECK.
YOU SEE, THE MALE GROUSE
RUFFS OUT HIS NECK
TO ATTRACT A FEMALE.
- THIS WAS IN SCHOOL, TOO?
- YEAH. NOW, THE FEMALE,
SHE JUST SITS THERE
PLAYING HARD TO GET.
- WITH SCHOOLS LIKE THAT,
WHAT DO WE NEED WITH POOL ROOMS?
- YEAH, AND THE MALE
GROUSE DRUMS HIS FOOT
TO EXCITE THE FEMALE'S INTEREST.
- WATCH THAT KIND OF TALK,
BOY. YOUR MOTHER'S UPSTAIRS.
- OH. WHERE'S THE
TALCUM POWDER, DAD?
- IN THE OTHER RACK.
- OH, YEAH.
- AND YOU MEAN, UH, THEY
SHOWED MOVIES AT THIS?
- YES, SIR, VISUAL
EDUCATION THEY CALL IT.
- THAT AIN'T WHAT I CALL IT.
- ANYTHING ELSE YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT, DAD?
- NO, I GUESS NOT.
- WELL, I'LL BE SEEING YOU.
- SON, I'M GLAD WE
HAD THIS LITTLE TALK.
AND REMEMBER I'M ALWAYS HERE.
AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING
YOU EVER NEED TO KNOW,
WHY, DON'T GO TO STRANGERS.
- I APPRECIATE THAT, DAD.
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT
FATHERS ARE FOR.
- GEE THANKS, DAD.
[ DOOR CLOSING]
- WELL, DID YOU HAVE YOUR TALK?
- WE SURE DID.
- DID YOU TELL HIM EVERYTHING?
- HE DID... I MEAN,
I DID EVERYTHING.
AND, YOU KNOW, WINNIE,
I'M KIND OF GLAD WE
HAD THAT LITTLE TALK.
- I COULD TELL THAT
YOU TALKED TO HIM.
I COULD SEE THE CHANGE IN HIM
WHEN HE WALKED OUT OF HERE,
TALLER, STRAIGHTER,
FINER, CARRYING THAT BOX.
- YEAH, YEAH. UH, WINNIE, DO YOU
KNOW WHAT A RUFFED GROUSE IS?
- MY BABY.
- NO, IT'S A CRAZY BIRD, SEE.
- WAS HE DELIVERING AN ORDER?
- DOBIE? OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
IN FACT, IT'S TWO CRAZY BIRDS,
SEE, A MALE AND A FEMALE.
- WHAT DID DOBIE
HAVE IN THE BOX?
- OH, HE HAD A WHOLE
BUNCH OF STUFF.
HE HAD A LIST
STRAINED VEGETABLES,
TALCUM POWDER, BABY OIL...
- BABY OIL?
AND, YOU SEE, THESE GROUSE,
THESE BIG RUFFS OF FEATHERS
AROUND THEIR NECKS, SEE.
- WHAT WAS DOBIE DOING
WITH ALL THOSE BABY SUPPLIES?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
AND THIS CRAZY MAN GROUSE, SEE,
HE DRUMS ON THE
GROUND LIKE THIS...
STRAINED VEGETABLES,
TALCUM POWDER,
BABY OIL...
- YES, HERBERT.
OUR BABY IS MARRIED.
- WINNIE, OUR BABY
IS NOT ONLY MARRIED,
OUR BABY'S GOT HIS OWN BABY.
- I'M HUNGRY. WHERE DO
THEY KEEP THE SNACKS?
- THE KITCHEN MAYBE.
GOOD THINKING, YEAH.
- THERE. THE BABY'S
FINALLY ASLEEP.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.
- OH, YEAH.
- THERE. COMFIER?
- YEAH.
- SOME DAY, A REAL
SOON SOME DAY,
WE'LL HAVE A HOUSE
LIKE THIS, WON'T WE?
- OH, YES. YES.
- AND THE BABY IN THAT
BEDROOM WILL BE OURS, HUH?
- HA HA HA.
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- OH, NOTHING. NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT, WELL, IF I'D
KNOWN WORK WAS LIKE THIS,
I'D HAVE DABBLED
IN IT A LOT SOONER.
- I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT.
- YEAH, AND I OWE ALL MY
SUCCESS TO YOU, MY LOVE.
- WHY, THANK YOU.
- YOU'VE GOT A REAL HEAD. YEAH.
THIS IS REAL CUSHY,
MAKING MONEY, NO WORRIES.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE. STAY THERE.
I'LL GET IT, BOSS.
- BOSS.
- HEY, POPS.
THESE PEOPLE GOT
REAL CRAZY SNACKS
FOR THEIR SITTERS.
HEY, MAYBE YOU OUGHT
TO, LIKE, GO HELP HER.
- NO, NOT ME. I'M IN
THE EXECUTIVE END.
- OH.
- MAYNARD, WHERE'D YOU
GET THAT TURKEY LEG?
- THEY HAD IT IN,
LIKE, AN ICEBOX.
- WHAT KIND OF AN ICEBOX?
- ABOUT SIX FEET
LONG, FOUR FEET WIDE.
IT OPENS FROM THE TOP.
- MAYNARD, THAT
WAS THE DEEP FREEZE.
- COOL.
- PUTTING ON A TIE
FOR A VISITING JANITOR.
- HERBERT, I KEEP TELLING YOU
MR. METZGER IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT MAN IN THE MUSEUM.
HE'S THE CURATOR.
- THIS IS STUPID. I OUGHT TO
PUT ON A PAIR OF OVERALLS,
MAKE HIM FEEL MORE AT HOME.
- HERBERT, MR. AND MRS. METZGER
ARE JENNY'S PARENTS,
AND JENNY IS DOBIE'S WIFE.
WIFE?
AND I HAVE INVITED THEM OVER
HERE SO THAT WE CAN MEET THEM
AND HAVE A NICE,
PLEASANT, CIVILIZED TALK.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
THERE THEY ARE.
- WELL TELL THEM TO PARK
THEM DUST PANS AND
BROOMS AND COME ON IN.
- HERBERT, YOU PROMISED.
- I PROMISED. EIGHTEEN
TIMES I PROMISED.
- NO YELLING.
- ALL RIGHT.
- AND LEAD UP TO THE SUBJECT
OF THE MARRIAGE GENTLY.
REMEMBER THIS MAY BE AS
MUCH OF A SHOCK TO THEM,
AS IT WAS TO US.
SO BE SUBTLE.
- I WILL BE SUBTLE.
I WILL BE GENTLE.
I WILL BE POLITE.
I WILL BE REFINED.
I WILL BOW FROM THE
WAIST. I'LL RAISE MY PINKY.
[ DOORBELL RINGING]
I'LL DO A CURTSY. AND GO
ANSWER THE DOOR ALREADY!
- JUST PLEASANT CONVERSATION
UNTIL THEY'RE SETTLED!
- ARGH!
- WELL, YOU MUST BE
MR. AND MRS. METZGER.
I'M WINIFRED GILLIS, AND THIS
IS MY HUSBAND, HERBERT GILLIS.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- WELL...
- WELL...
- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS
STUPID MARRIAGE, HUH?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS YOUNG, AND
IT WAS SPRINGTIME.
AND THE LILACS WERE IN BLOOM.
AND HER FAMILY
HAD A LITTLE MONEY.
- WELL, SHALL WE ALL SIT DOWN
AND HAVE SOME CAKE
AND SOME COFFEE?
MRS. METZGER, YOU SIT THERE,
AND, MR. METZGER, YOU SIT HERE.
AND, HERBERT,
YOU SIT OVER THERE.
IT MUST BE VERY INTERESTING,
THE WORK THAT YOU DO AT
THE MUSEUM, MR. METZGER.
- OH, YES. AS A MATTER OF
FACT, IT IS RATHER INTERESTING.
QUITE A LOT OF
RESPONSIBILITY, TOO.
WE'VE JUST ADDED A
NEW WING, YOU KNOW.
- AND A LOT OF MORE FLOORS
AND WINDOWS TO KEEP CLEAN, HUH?
- I HAPPEN TO BE CURATOR
OF THE COUNTY MUSEUM.
- YES, WE KNOW.
AND IT DOESN'T MAKE A
BIT OF DIFFERENCE TO US.
IF THERE IS ONE THING
WE ARE NOT, IT'S SNOBS.
OF COURSE, IT MAY
LOOK TO YOU LIKE WE LIVE
PRETTY HIGH AROUND HERE.
BUT DEEP DOWN UNDERNEATH,
WE'RE JUST PLAIN SIMPLE FOLK.
- MR. METZGER IS CURATOR.
- HERBERT, BEING CURATOR
IS A VERY IMPORTANT POSITION.
- WELL, CERTAINLY IT IS.
AND THAT'S WHAT
I ALWAYS SAY, PAL.
CLEANLINESS IS
NEXT TO GODLINESS.
SO YOU JUST KEEP DOING
YOUR JOB OUT THERE.
YOU JUST KEEP THAT
MUSEUM SPIC AND SPAN.
AND ONE OF THESE DAYS,
SOMEBODY IS BOUND TO NOTICE.
WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS
IDLE CHITTER-CHATTERING.
WHAT ABOUT THIS
RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS SPRINGTIME. I WAS YOUNG.
AND THE LILACS
WERE IN BLOOM. AND...
- WHAT RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MR. GILLIS?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE.
- NO, YOU WON'T!
- SHE'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M TALKING...
- I WILL TELL YOU
GENTLY AND QUIETLY.
HERBERT, YOU GO
AND GET MRS. METZGER
A GLASS OF WATER.
- WHAT DO I NEED WITH
A GLASS OF WATER?
- NOW PREPARE YOURSELF
FOR A SHOCK, MRS. METZGER.
COMPOSE YOURSELF.
TRY TO BE CALM. DON'T PANIC.
- WHAT? WHAT? W-W-WHAT?
- YOUR JENNY AND OUR
DOBIE ARE MARRIED.
- ESMUND, NONE
OF YOUR DRAMATICS.
- I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.
- OH, HA HA, WHY
IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,
MOST PREPOSTEROUS THING
I'VE EVER HEARD IN ALL MY LIFE.
I MEAN, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,
ISN'T IT, ESMUND?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THEY'RE
YOUNG, AND IT'S SPRING.
AND THE LILACS ARE IN BLOOM.
WE DO HAVE A LITTLE MONEY.
- ESMUND, WAIT
TILL I GET YOU HOME.
MR. GILLIS, IF THIS IS WHAT
YOU HAD CALLED US OVER HERE
TO TELL US, THIS VISIT IS ENDED.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU
GOT SUCH AN ABSURD NOTION.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER
SIT BACK DOWN AGAIN, LADY,
BECAUSE HERE ON IN, IT
GETS EVEN MORE ABSURD.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- YOU TELL THEM, WINNIE.
I'LL GET THE WATER.
- OH DEAR.
- OH DEAR, WHAT?
- NOT ONLY ARE JENNY AND
DOBIE MARRIED. THEY HAVE A BABY.
- RIDICULOUS!
- IMPOSSIBLE.
- RIDICULOUS.
- YOU TWO MUST BE
OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- WELL, JUST ABOUT.
- HERBERT, PERHAPS WE
ARE BEING A LITTLE HASTY.
JENNY COULDN'T HAVE A BABY
WITHOUT HER PARENTS
KNOWING ABOUT IT.
- OF COURSE NOT.
- YES. WELL THEN,
ANSWER ME THIS.
DID YOU SEE JENNY
NOT HAVE A BABY?
- JENNY HAS NOT BEEN
OUT OF OUR SIGHT,
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, WHEN WE
WENT TO EUROPE LAST WINTER.
- AHA!
- AND SHE STAYED WITH MY
SISTER CLARA THE ENTIRE WINTER.
- OH HO!
- I WILL TAKE CARE
OF THE OH HO LATER.
I WILL DEAL WITH
THE AHA RIGHT NOW.
MR. GILLIS, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT STRANGE KIND OF
MADNESS HAS POSSESSED YOU,
BUT THIS I DO KNOW.
JENNY IS NOT MARRIED,
AND SHE DOES NOT HAVE A BABY.
- OH, YES?
WELL, YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT THAT KID OF YOURS,
TELL ME, WHERE IS SHE RIGHT NOW?
- I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY
WHERE SHE IS RIGHT NOW.
SHE IS AT THIS NUMBER.
JENNY NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE
WITHOUT GIVING ME
THE PHONE NUMBER
AND THE ADDRESS WHERE SHE IS.
AND NOW, ESMUND, WE
WILL SAY GOOD NIGHT.
- OH, CAN'T WE PLEASE STAY AND
HAVE SOME OF THIS NICE CAKE?
- SAY GOOD NIGHT, ESMUND.
- GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR A
VERY LOVELY EVENING.
- NO, HERBERT. WE
WILL NOT CALL THEM.
WE WILL TRUST OUR SON.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- MAN, IF I KNEW
WORK WAS SO EASY,
I WOULDN'T HAVE WASTED
ALL MY TIME LOAFING.
- OH.
- I THINK BABY'S HUNGRY.
IT'S ALMOST TIME
FOR DOBIE'S FORMULA.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING]
- HELLO? HELLO?
[ BABY CRYING]
- MAYNARD, HERE,
TAKE CARE OF THE BABY.
MAYNARD, I'M GONNA GO
HELP JENNY IN THE KITCHEN.
- COOL, MAN.
HEY, WE'LL, LIKE, WATCH
TV TOGETHER, HUH?
YOU LIKE TELEVISION, KID?
YEAH, ME, TOO.
THAT'S, LIKE, A WESTERN.
NOW, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT TO WATCH FOR, KID.
SEE THAT STAGECOACH PULLING UP?
NOW IF A GUY GETS
OFF WITH A BLACK HAT,
HE'S, LIKE, BAD.
YOU SEE THAT LITTLE
DOG SITTING THERE?
IF A GUY GETS OFF AND PETS
THAT LITTLE DOG, HE'S, LIKE, GOOD.
AHA!
SEE THAT GUY GETTING
OFF WITH THE BLACK HAT?
HE'S, LIKE, BAD.
BUT HE'S PETTING A LITTLE DOG.
OH, I DON'T DIG.
IS HE, LIKE, GOOD OR, LIKE, BAD?
MUST BE ONE OF
THOSE ADULT WESTERNS.
SURE, IT'S AN ADULT WESTERN.
HERE COMES AN INDIAN IN A SUIT.
BACK FROM COLLEGE I GUESS, YEAH.
OH, HERE COMES THE SHERIFF. SEE?
HE'S WALKING RIGHT DOWN
THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
OH, NOW THE GUY IN THE BLACK HAT
IS WALKING TOWARDS HIM.
AND EVERYBODY'S
GETTING OUT OF THE WAY.
OH, AND THE SHERIFF'S, LIKE,
WALKING AND WALKING AND WALKING.
AND THE GUY IN THE BLACK HAT IS,
LIKE, WALKING AND WALKING.
MAN, THEY'RE WALKING A LONG WAY.
KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NOW,
KID? THE COMMERCIAL, YEAH.
QUIET, KID. THIS IS THE
PART I LIKE THE BEST.
OOH BOY. I DIG
THOSE COMMERCIALS.
THEY'RE THE MOST.
LOOK AT THOSE MEDICINE
BOTTLES MARCHING UP AND DOWN.
YEAH, AND IT'S, LIKE,
EDUCATIONAL, TOO.
I MEAN A STOMACH WITH
ALL THOSE LITTLE "A" s AND Bs
GOING THROUGH.
OOH, I HOPE THE
"A" s WIN TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, KID. IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO GO TO BED.
WHOA. HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW
WE HAD LITTLE HAMMERS
IN OUR HEADS.
WONDER THEY GET,
LIKE, HEADACHES.
[ BABY CRYING ]
- ARE YOU GONNA KILL HIM, VICK?
- THAT DOG. KILL HIM.
[ DOORBELL RINGING]
- UNDERSTAND IT, BUT
I WOULD KIND OF LIKE
TO GET OLD PINK BACK.
- LOCAL... ABOUT THAT BOY. HUH?
- NO, PINK'S MY WIFE.
MY FAMILY GOES FOR
THEM FANCY NAMES.
- OH, MAYNARD.
OH, I JUST SAW YOU UNEXPECTEDLY.
- IT'S OKAY, MRS. GILLIS. MY
MOTHER DOES THE SAME THING.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ME? I'M WATCHING THE
BABY FOR DOBIE AND JENNY.
- WHERE IS DOBIE?
- IN THE KITCHEN WITH JENNY,
FIXING UP FOR THE BABY.
LIKE, PARDON ME.
- NOW, HERBERT, NO YELLING.
- I CAN'T PROMISE.
- WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
- LOOK, A REGULAR LOVE NEST.
- OH, WE MUST FACE IT
AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. I
JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
- THEY'RE MARRIED
AND HAVE A BABY.
- THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND.
- BUT HOW DOES DOBIE
KEEP UP A PLACE LIKE THIS
ON AN ALLOWANCE OF $5 A WEEK,
WHICH I HAVEN'T GIVEN
HIM FOR SIX WEEKS?
- LIKE, QUIET, PLEASE.
THEY'RE GONNA START
WASHING WITH BRAND X NOW.
- SHUT THAT THING OFF.
YOU'RE MIXED UP IN THIS ANYWAY.
- ME? NOT ME, MR. GILLIS.
- I'LL FIGURE A WAY.
- YOU CALM DOWN. THEY'LL
BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
- I'LL BE THERE SOONER.
- BOY, THIS BABY
BUSINESS IS FUN.
I FIGURE WE OUGHT TO EXPAND.
- LET'S GET THIS BABY FED FIRST.
- WELL, THIS ONE BABY'S SO EASY,
I FIGURE WE CAN HANDLE LOTS MORE
AND AS SOON AS WE CAN GET THEM.
ABOUT HALF A DOZEN,
HUH? WHY WAIT?
- NOT RIGHT AWAY.
- WHY NOT?
WE'VE GOT MAYNARD
TO HELP US. DAD, MOM...
- OH, DOBIE, MY BABY.
- HOW'D YOU FIND OUT?
- YOU'VE GOTTA GET UP
PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO FOOL HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. I
HAVE TO GO FEED THE BABY.
- YOU SOUND MAD.
- AUGH!
- I THOUGHT YOU'D BE PROUD.
- OH, WE ARE, DEAR. WE ARE.
- PROUD?
- WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS
COMPLAINING ABOUT ME LOAFING,
WANTING ME TO DO SOMETHING.
- WELL, THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
- OH, IS THAT THE BABY?
- YES. WOULD YOU
LIKE TO HOLD HIM?
- WINNIE, DON'T MAKE
FRIENDS SO FAST THERE.
- OH, WE LIKE OUR
MILK, DON'T WE?
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE DOBIE.
- WINNIE, PLEASE.
- NAH, DOBIE'S A LOT TALLER.
- OH, I MEAN THE FEATURES,
THE EYES AND THE NOSE
AND THE MOUTH. SEE?
- YEP. THEY'RE ALL THERE.
- DAD, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, SON.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW.
WE UNDERSTAND.
WE'RE YOUR PARENTS.
- DAD, YOU'RE WRONG.
- I AM NOT WRONG.
I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER BRINGING
YOU HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.
- NO, DAD.
- YES, YES.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE
IT AT FIRST MYSELF.
BUT THEY BROUGHT
YOU IN, AND THERE IT WAS,
A LITTLE BRACELET, BABY GILLIS.
I MADE THEM DOUBLE-CHECK IT.
- DAD.
- WINNIE, WILL YOU, PLEASE?
- HERE. GIVE ME THAT BABY.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING HERE.
I GOTTA FIND OUT IF YEP.
TEMPERATURE'S RIGHT.
HEY, HERE WE GO. HA HA.
HOW'S THAT PARTNER, HUH?
HEY, HE'S A BIG ONE, AIN'T HE?
- DAD. DAD, LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.
- OH SHUT UP. YES.
OH, WINNIE, IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME SINCE I WAS A FATHER.
SO I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE WHOLE THING.
- OH, IT'S OKAY, DAD.
- NO. NO. I WENT OFF
HALF-COCKED AGAIN, AS USUAL,
JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS
ALL OVER THE PLACE,
MADE A DARN FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
AND DON'T YOU EVER DO IT AGAIN.
- SHH.
- YEAH, SHH.
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
THE GOOD GUY'S
WEARING A BLACK HAT.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪