The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 3 - Love Is a Science - full transcript

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

- I'M THINKING ABOUT
TRUTH AND BEAUTY.

I THINK ABOUT TRUTH
AND BEAUTY ALL THE TIME

BECAUSE, WELL, THIS MAY
SOUND LIKE I'M BRAGGING,

BUT I HAVE A VERY
SENSITIVE SOUL.

I MEAN, WHEN I SEE A
SUNSET OR LIKE THAT,

I GO APE.

YOU TAKE A WHITE
SAIL AGAINST A BLUE SKY

OR THE FLIGHT OF A SWALLOW

OR A DOGWOOD IN BLOSSOM

OR THALIA MENNINGER,



BEAUTIFUL, SWEET, CHARMING,
GREEDY THALIA MENNINGER.

THE OTHER DAY, I GOT
TO THINKING ABOUT HER,

THAT CREAMY, DREAMY THALIA,

AND I WAS SO MOVED

THAT I SAT DOWN
AND WROTE A POEM,

A BEAUTIFUL POEM.

HERE, I'LL READ IT.

"THALIA, HOW I LOVE YA.

"HOW I LOVE YA, THALIA.

I SWEAR BY STARS ABOVE
YA THAT I'LL NEVER FAIL YA."

BEAUTIFUL?

- HUH?
- BEAUTIFUL?

- THE POEM? OH, LOVELY, REALLY.

- I THOUGHT IT UP MYSELF.
- IT'S VERY GOOD.

- I WRITE POEMS TO
YOU ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW WHY?
- CLUE ME.

- BECAUSE I LOVE YA!

- WILL YOU BE QUIET?
- I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST THAT I
LOVE YOU SO MUCH

SOMETIMES I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE.

- WELL, I APPRECIATE
THAT, DOBIE.

- AND I APPRECIATE YOU,

YOUR GOLDEN HAIR,
YOUR RED, RED LIPS,

YOUR BLUE AND WHITE EYES.

- BLUE AND WHITE?

- YEAH, YEAH, THE PUPIL'S BLUE

AND THE REST OF
THE EYEBALL IS WHITE.

- OH.
- OH, THALIA,

YOU'RE SO GORGEOUS, SO
BEAUTIFUL, SO WONDERFUL.

- NOW, DOBIE, TRY AND
CONTROL YOURSELF.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY TO YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, MY PRECIOUS
LAMB. CAN I HOLD YOUR HANDS?

- NO, I'LL NEED THEM.

SOMETIMES I MAKE
GESTURES WHEN I TALK.

- I SEE.
- FOR EMPHASIS, YOU UNDERSTAND.

- OF COURSE, MY DARLING.
OF COURSE, MY SWEET...

- HUSH! I'M GOING TO TALK NOW.

- ABOUT WHAT?
- ABOUT YOUR POETRY.

- YEAH?

- HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN WRITING POEMS?

- ALL MY LIFE.

- WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP?

- STOP?

WHY, I COULD NO MORE
STOP WRITING POEMS

THAN I COULD STOP BREATHING.

- SO LONG, CHUM.

- BUT, THALIA, WHAT DO
YOU GOT AGAINST POETRY?

- NAME ME ONE RICH POET.

WELL, LET ME THINK.

- YOU SEE? YOU CAN'T
BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY.

THAT'S WHY YOU'VE
GOT TO GIVE UP POETRY.

- NOW, THALIA, I KNOW HOW
INTERESTED YOU ARE IN MONEY.

- I AM NOT INTERESTED IN MONEY.

I DON'T CARE IF
A MAN HAS A DIME.

ALL I WANT IS FOR
HIM TO BE SUCCESSFUL

AND SUBSTANTIAL, AFFLUENT...
- LOADED?

- WELL, IF THAT'S PART
OF IT, ALL WELL AND GOOD.

BUT IT ISN'T THE
IMPORTANT THING.

- LISTEN, THALIA, I'M
GONNA MAKE MONEY.

I'M GONNA BE A VERY BIG POET.

- NO. YOU CAN'T DO BOTH.

IT'S EITHER POETRY OR MONEY.

NOW WHICH IS IT GOING TO BE?
- THALIA!

- WELL, LET ME PUT
IT THIS WAY THEN.

IT'S EITHER POETRY
OR ME. THINK IT OVER.

- I JUST THOUGHT IT OVER.
- AND?

- I'M KICKING POETRY.
- GOOD MAN.

NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO BE A POET,

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

- GEE, I HADN'T THOUGHT.
- I HAVE.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE A DOCTOR.

- AW, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!

- NO, SIR, A DOCTOR.
- ME? ME?

CUTTING PEOPLE OPEN?

FIDDLING AROUND WITH
THEIR INSIDES? AW, COME ON.

- DOBIE, DO YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH A DOCTOR

MAKES ON A HOUSE CALL?

$10, THAT'S WHAT,

AND MAYBE EVEN HE COULD
MAKE A CALL EVERY 15 MINUTES,

MAYBE EVEN MORE IF
HE HAS A GOOD FAST CAR.

THAT'S AT LEAST $40
AN HOUR, MY FRIEND.

AND IT'S EVEN BETTER
WHEN HE'S IN THE OFFICE.

OF COURSE, IT'S ONLY $7 A VISIT,

BUT HE CAN SEE THREE
OR FOUR PATIENTS AT ONCE.

I MEAN, HE PUTS THEM
IN DIFFERENT ROOMS

AND HE RUNS BACK AND FORTH.

AND WHILE ONE IS UNDRESSING,

HE'S EXAMINING THE OTHER ONE.

WHY, I BET HE MAKES
ABOUT $60 OR $70 AN HOUR!

THALIA?

OH, AND ABOUT THOSE OPERATIONS.

OH, BROTHER.

ONCE YOU GET THEM ON THAT TABLE,

IT'S DEVIL TAKE THE HINDMOST.

OH!
- THALIA?

- 200, 500! OH, $1,000!

- THALIA, JUST CALM DOWN

OR YOU'LL BE NEEDING
A DOCTOR YOURSELF.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT IT, DOBIE?
YOU WANNA BE A DOCTOR?

- NO.
- NO?

HOW CAN YOU SAY NO

TO THE NOBLEST
PROFESSION OF ALL?

HEALING THE SICK. SHAME ON YOU.

- LISTEN, THALIA,

BEFORE YOU STUDY MEDICINE,
YOU GOTTA TAKE LOTS OF SCIENCE

AND I'M NO GOOD AT
SCIENCE. I'M A POET.

- YOU WERE A POET.
- ALL RIGHT, I WAS A POET,

BUT I'M STILL NO
GOOD AT SCIENCE.

- YOU'LL LEARN.
- NEVER.

- FOR ME?

- WELL...
- YOU WILL TRY, WON'T YOU,

DOBIE? HMM?

- I'LL TRY.

- THAT'S MY GOOD
DOBIE, THAT'S MY HEALER.

- YEAH.
- MM.

- VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD AS USUAL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TO THAT FROG, MR. GILLIS?

- WELL, I'M DISSECTING IT, SIR.

- WITH A GRENADE?

IN THE LITTLE UNDER FOUR WEEKS

THAT YOU'VE BEEN
IN THIS LAB, MR. GILLIS,

I HAVE WATCHED YOU DESTROY
MORE MATERIAL AND EQUIPMENT

THAN I'VE SEEN DESTROYED
SINCE I BECAME A TEACHER.

THAT'S 31 YEARS AGO.

HAVE YOU EVER
THOUGHT, MR. GILLIS,

THAT YOU WERE NOT
MEANT FOR ZOOLOGY?

THINK ON IT,
MR. GILLIS, THINK ON IT.

- HA HA HA.

VERY FUNNY, TEACHER, VERY FUNNY.

YOU'RE A REGULAR RED SKELTON.

IT WASN'T MY IDEA TAKING
THIS CRUMMY COURSE.

I CAN THINK OF BETTER THINGS TO
DO THAN CUTTING UP DEAD FROGS

AND FISH AND WORMS.

OH, WHY'D I EVER GET MIXED
UP IN THIS WHOLE GRISLY MESS?

WHY? WHY? WHY?

AND AS FOR YOU,

YOU DON'T MAKE THINGS
ANY EASIER, YOU KNOW.

A WHOLE MONTH I'VE
BEEN SITTING NEXT TO YOU

AND I HAVEN'T HEARD
ONE WORD OUT OF YOU,

NOT ONE SINGLE
WORD, NOT EVEN HELLO.

YOU JUST SIT THERE
DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT

AND GIVING ME A BIG FREEZE.

I MEAN, FOR PETE'S
SAKE, SPEAK TO ME.

SAY SOMETHING. SAY ANYTHING!
- I LOVE YOU.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- THAT'S RIGHT, I LOVE YOU.

- ZELDA, I AM, OF
COURSE, FLATTERED.

- NOW DON'T GET A SWELLED
HEAD. YOU'RE NOTHING SO SPECIAL.

YOU'RE DUMB AS A POST,
YOU'RE PIGEON-TOED

AND YOU'LL BE BALD
BEFORE YOU'RE 30.

- IS THAT SO?

I DON'T WANT TO BE UNKIND,

BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY A
TRAFFIC STOPPER YOURSELF.

- YEAH, WE'RE A COUPLE
OF DOGS, ALL RIGHT.

STILL AND ALL, WE'RE
NOT TOO REPULSIVE.

ANYWAY, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

WE'RE VICTIMS OF PROPINQUITY.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- PROPINQUITY,
NEARNESS, CLOSENESS.

SIGAFOOS AND WEMBLING OF HARVARD

IN A STUDY OF 2,900
MARRIED COUPLES

PROVED THAT IN 87% OF THE CASES,

THE COUPLES FIRST FELL IN
LOVE BECAUSE OF PROPINQUITY.

YOU PUT A BOY AND A GIRL CLOSE
TO EACH OTHER FOR LONG ENOUGH

AND IT'S BOUND TO HAPPEN.

IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.

- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA,
BUT I DON'T LOVE YOU.

- YOU WILL. YOU'RE
GILLIS AND I'M GILROY.

DON'T FORGET THEY SEAT
STUDENTS ALPHABETICALLY

IN SCIENCE CLASSES.

YOU'LL BE SITTING NEXT TO ME

ALL YEAR LONG AND NEXT YEAR TOO.

AND THEN WHEN WE GO
ON TO MEDICAL SCHOOL,

EIGHT MORE YEARS OF PROPINQUITY.

DON'T FIGHT IT, DOBIE.
YOU CAN'T BEAT SCIENCE.

- I CAN TRY, ZELDA, I CAN TRY.
- FOOL.

- HI, ANGEL PUSS.

- JUST A MINUTE.

- WHAT ARE YOU READING?

- SHH!

OH, DOBIE, THIS IS
FABULOUS! SIMPLY FABULOUS!

- WHAT, MY TIGER?

- LISTEN TO THIS LETTER I
FOUND IN THE MEDICAL BULLETIN.

IT'S FROM THE MAYOR OF
CROW WING, NORTH DAKOTA.

LISTEN. THE CITIZENS OF
CROW WING, NORTH DAKOTA

MAKE THE FOLLOWING OFFER

TO ANY QUALIFIED
MEDICAL SCHOOL GRADUATE

WHO WILL AGREE TO ESTABLISH
PRACTICE IN OUR TOWN:

ONE, A GUARANTEED
INCOME OF 20,000 PER YEAR,

TWO, A FULLY EQUIPPED
OFFICE FREE OF CHARGE,

THREE, A NINE-ROOM HOUSE
COMPLETELY FURNISHED

FREE OF CHARGE

AND, FOUR, A FOUR-DOOR
SEDAN FREE OF CHARGE.

ISN'T THAT FRANTIC?
- OH, FRANTIC, YEAH.

- IT'S A SELLER'S
MARKET, DON'T YOU SEE?

- THERE'S A BIG, BIG
DOCTOR SHORTAGE.

- OH, BIG, BIG, YEAH.

- THE WHOLE COUNTRY
IS COMPETING.

SO NATURALLY, MOST OF
THEM GO TO THE BIG CITIES.

- OH, NATURALLY.
- SO WHAT DO THE SMALL TOWNS DO?

- WELL, THEY...
- THE PEOPLE GET TOGETHER...

- GET TOGETHER.

- POOL THEIR MONEY

AND MAKE THE END
OFFERS TO GET A DOCTOR.

- YEAH, UH-HUH.
- ALL YOU NEED IS A DEGREE.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE GOOD.

[ LAUGHS ]

- THAT'S FINE, THALIA, FINE.

- YOU KNOW, I'VE
BEEN READING TOO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I CAME TO SEE YOU.

I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO DOWN
TO THE PARK AND HACK AROUND.

- WE'LL DO NO SUCH THING.

YOU GET HOME AND START STUDYING.

- BUT, THALIA...
- BUT NOTHING!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

FLUNK OUT BEFORE YOU
EVEN GET TO MEDICAL SCHOOL?

NOW LISTEN, MISTER.

YOU'RE PLAYING FOR
PRETTY BIG STAKES HERE.

- OH, THIS IS GRAND.

I HAVEN'T HAD ONE DATE WITH YOU

SINCE YOU TALKED ME
INTO THIS DOCTOR BUSINESS.

- THERE'LL BE TIME
FOR DATES LATER.

- WHEN? BETWEEN HOUSE CALLS?

- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE JUST NOT
LOOKING AT THE BIG PICTURE.

NOW GET HOME AND START
CRACKING THOSE BOOKS.

- BUT I LOVE YA!

- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
GOING TO GO HOME

AND START CRACKING
THOSE BOOKS. NOW GET!

- FINE ROMANCE.

- OH, JUST A MINUTE.
- YEAH?

- HOW ARE YOUR MARKS?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW YET.

- HAVE YOU HAD YOUR
MIDTERM EXAMS YET?

- YESTERDAY.

- OH, SO YOU'LL KNOW
YOUR MARKS TOMORROW.

- AFRAID SO.

- AFRAID?

- LOOK, THALIA,

I TOLD YOU I WAS
NO GOOD IN SCIENCE.

- NONSENSE.

A MAN IS AS GOOD
AS HE HAS TO BE.

NOW JUST KEEP THINKING
ABOUT THE MONEY.

- YEAH.

- CONGRATULATIONS, MISS GILROY,

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT. 100,
A VERY DISTINGUISHED PAPER.

- THANK YOU.
- AND YOURS, MR. GILLIS,

HAS A CERTAIN DISTINCTION TOO.

- THANK YOU, SIR.

34?

- A NEW LOW, MR. GILLIS.

NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY
OF CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL

HAS ANYONE EVEN COME CLOSE,

PERHAPS NEVER
BEFORE IN THE HISTORY

OF SECONDARY EDUCATION.

THE RECORD SHOULD STAND
FOR YEARS UNLESS, OF COURSE,

YOU MIGHT BREAK IT ON
THE NEXT EXAM YOURSELF.

YES, I'M SURE YOU
CAN, MR. GILLIS.

- 34?

34? SHE'LL KILL ME.

- A GIFT FOR YOU.

- PLEASE, ZELDA, I
GOT A LOT ON MY MIND.

- CHOCOLATE COVERED CHERRIES.

- WELL, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

- IT'S A GIFT
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

- ZELDA, PLEASE DON'T
THINK ME UNGRATEFUL, BUT...

- ACTUALLY, IT'S
TO SOFTEN YOU UP.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE
CONFIDENCE IN PROPINQUITY,

IT'S ONLY I'D LIKE TO
SPEED IT UP A LITTLE.

- YEAH, WELL, THANKS A
LOT, ZELDA, BUT IT'S NO USE.

WON'T YOU PLEASE BELIEVE ME?

- STUBBORN CASE.

BEADED MOCCASINS, HANDMADE.

- NO, ZELDA.

A SIX-BLADED GOLD-PLATED
BOY SCOUT KNIFE.

- WILL YOU STOP?

- THE TROUBLE WITH YOU
IS YOU HAVE A CLOSED MIND.

IF YOU JUST OPEN UP A LITTLE,
PROPINQUITY WOULD DO THE REST.

- OH, BLAST OFF, PLEASE, ZELDA.

- WELL, WHAT CAN I
DO TO PLEASE YOU?

WASH YOUR CLOTHES?
SCRATCH YOUR BACK?

COOK YOUR MEALS? DO
YOUR HOMEWORK? WHAT?

- ZELDA...

- DID YOU SAY DO MY HOMEWORK?

- SURE, I'LL DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

I'LL DO ANYTHING. I LOVE YOU.

YOU THINK I'M HAPPY ABOUT IT?

I'M NOT. YOU'RE A
THREE-TOED IDIOT

AND I WISH YOU'D
NEVER BEEN BORN.

WHAT CAN I DO? YOU'RE
GILLIS AND I'M GILROY.

YOU'LL BE SITTING NEXT
TO ME FROM NOW ON.

I'M JUST A SLAVE TO PROPINQUITY.

- ALL RIGHT, ZELDA. YOU
CAN DO MY HOMEWORK.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO
YOUR HOMEWORK.

WE'LL FIND SOME COZY SPOT

AND WE'LL GET TOGETHER EVERY
NIGHT AND DO OUR HOMEWORK

AND MAYBE A LITTLE
SMOOCHING ON THE SIDE.

- YEAH.

- NO, NO, CAN'T DO THAT.
- WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE I GOT A JOB.

- WELL, WHERE DO YOU
WORK? I'LL COME SIT BY YOU.

MORE PROPINQUITY THE
BETTER, I ALWAYS SAY.

- OH, NO. CAN'T DO THAT EITHER.

- WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE I'M A LIFEGUARD
AT THE YMCA POOL.

- OH, WELL,

THAT DOESN'T... WELL, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL DO YOUR
HOMEWORK EVERY NIGHT

AND I'LL BRING IT IN NICE
AND NEAT IN THE MORNING.

OKAY, DOBIE?
- FINE, ZELDA.

- AND PROPINQUITY
WILL DO THE REST.

- SURE, ZELDA, SURE.

THAT WAS A TERRIBLE
THING I DID TO ZELDA GILROY,

A TERRIBLE, SHAMEFUL THING.

GETTING HER TO DO MY HOMEWORK,

LYING TO THAT POOR GIRL,

USING HER SO THAT I
COULD CARRY ON A ROMANCE

WITH THALIA MENNINGER. SHAMEFUL.

BELIEVE ME, IT WAS
ON MY CONSCIENCE,

HEAVY ON MY CONSCIENCE.

STILL, WITH ZELDA DOING
MY HOMEWORK EVERY NIGHT,

I WAS ABLE TO SPEND
MY EVENINGS WITH THALIA.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHENEVER I SEE THALIA,

MY CONSCIENCE KIND OF
ROLLS OVER AND PLAYS DEAD.

CAN I HOLD YOUR HANDS?

- IS YOUR HOMEWORK ALL DONE?

- ALL DONE.
- OKAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

- DERMATOLOGY.

- SKIN DISEASE?

- IT'S KIND OF A NICE
SPECIALTY, DERMATOLOGY.

I MEAN,

THEY ALMOST NEVER CALL YOU
OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

- AND WE'D BE ABLE TO SPEND
LOTS OF TIME TOGETHER.

GO TO THE MOVIES
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- DRIVE-INS, UH-HUH.

- ORTHOPEDICS IS KIND OF A
NICE SPECIALTY TOO, THOUGH.

- BONES?
- IT ISN'T OVERCROWDED.

- OH, I SHOULD THINK NOT.

- BUT THEN SURGERY IS
WHERE THE REAL MONEY IS.

- YEAH, WELL, I KIND
OF LIKE DERMATOLOGY.

- I KNOW WHAT. GENERAL PRACTICE.

YOU'LL DO DERMATOLOGY,

ORTHOPEDICS AND
INTERNAL MEDICINE.

YOU KNOW, EYES, EARS,
NOSE, MOUTH, ALL THAT STUFF,

AND SURGERY TOO.

OH, BOY, HOW THAT
MONEY WILL ROLL IN.

OH, ISN'T IT THRILLING, DOBIE?

- THRILLING, THAT'S
THE WORD FOR IT.

AS YOU SEE, MY NIGHTS
WERE FILLED WITH ROMANCE.

MY CONSCIENCE WAS QUIET,

BUT IN THE MORNING
BACK AT SCHOOL,

I'D SEE ZELDA AND MY CONSCIENCE
WOULD START HURTING AGAIN.

- GOOD MORNING,
DOBIE, SWEETHEART.

- YEAH, GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING WHAT?

- GOOD MORNING, ZELDA.
- GOOD MORNING, ZELDA WHAT?

- GOOD MORNING, ZELDA, DARLING.

- THERE, THAT WASN'T
SO HARD, WAS IT?

HERE'S YOUR HOMEWORK.
- GEE, THANKS.

- HERE'S A LITTLE GIFT.

- AW, ZELDA, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
- OPEN IT.

- AW, ZELDA, WHAT CAN I SAY?

- SAY I LOVE YOU.

- WELL, I'D LIKE
TO, ZELDA, BUT...

- ISN'T PROPINQUITY WORKING YET?

- WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
EARLY TO TELL.

BUT I THINK I'M BEGINNING
TO DETECT A FEW SIGNS.

I GUESS YOU THINK I'M A HEEL.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHO ELSE THINKS SO.

ME.

BUT WHENEVER I GET AN
ATTACK OF CONSCIENCE,

I ONLY HAVE TO THINK OF THALIA,

BEAUTIFUL, SWEET,
ANGELIC, GREEDY THALIA.

ARE YOU GONNA
KNOCK A FACE LIKE THAT?

CERTAINLY NOT.

YOU KNOW, THE MORE I
THOUGHT OF THAT FACE,

THE MORE I WANTED TO
WRITE A POEM, AND I DID.

I THINK I CAN HONESTLY SAY

THAT THIS IS ONE OF THE
BEST THINGS I EVER DID.

"I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY POWER,
I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY MIGHT.

"I LOVE YOU AT ANY HOUR, I
LOVE YOU BY DAY OR NIGHT.

"I HOPE WE'LL SOON BE MARRIED,

"BUT IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE,

"SEE TO IT THAT I'M BURIED
SOMEWHERE NEAR YOUR DOOR.

"STREW ROSES ON ME HUMBLY
AND HEAVE A FREQUENT SIGH.

"THOUGH I GROW GRAY AND CRUMBLY,

I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR GUY."

OH, HOW I WISHED I COULD HAVE
SHOWN THIS POEM TO THALIA.

BUT, OF COURSE, I COULDN'T.

SO INSTEAD, I JUST
TOOK THIS POEM,

THIS BEAUTIFUL POEM,

AND STUCK IT AWAY IN A BOOK

AND THALIA NEVER KNEW WHAT
SHE WAS MISSING, POOR KID.

- GOOD MORNING, MISS GILROY.
GOOD MORNING, MR. GILLIS.

- GOOD MORNING.
- OH, GOOD MORNING, SIR.

- MR. GILLIS, I'M NOT ONE
WHO BESTOWS PRAISE LIGHTLY,

BUT I MUST SAY YOUR
HOMEWORK IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS

HAS SHOWN A
REMARKABLE IMPROVEMENT.

- OH, IT'S NOTHING, SIR.

- OH, NO, MR. GILLIS,
IT'S SOMETHING

BECAUSE NOW I KNOW
YOU'RE PREPARED

FOR THE FINAL EXAMINATIONS
WHICH OCCUR ON FRIDAY.

DO ME PROUD, MR. GILLIS.

IT'S ONE OF THE FEW REWARDS
OF AN UNDERPAID PROFESSION.

GOOD MORNING.

- FINAL EXAMINATIONS
NEXT FRIDAY?

- DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL BE FINE.

I'VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

- WELL, HOW ARE YOU
GONNA TAKE MY EXAM FOR ME?

- WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT,
BUT I CAN TUTOR YOU.

- TUTOR ME?
- DO YOU THINK

YOU CAN GET TIME OFF FROM
YOUR JOB AT THE YMCA POOL?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH. I
THINK SO, UH-HUH.

- GOOD. THEN WE'LL GET
TOGETHER EVERY NIGHT.

- FOR WHAT?

- TO CRAM, CRAM, CRAM.

NOW PAY CLOSE ATTENTION.

I'LL GO THROUGH IT ONCE AGAIN.

MYRIAPODS ARE
DISTINGUISHED FROM ARACHNIDS

BY THE SMALLER NUMBER
OF SOMITES AND APPENDAGES.

- OH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
ONE WORD OF IT.

- WELL, DON'T TRY
TO UNDERSTAND IT.

JUST MEMORIZE IT.

LEARN IT BY HEART
AND REMEMBER IT

BECAUSE THESE ARE THE THINGS

THAT WILL COME UP
ON THE FINAL EXAM.

- YEAH. DON'T TRY TO
UNDERSTAND, JUST MEMORIZE, TRUE?

- RIGHT, RIGHT, TRUE. READY?
- READY, UH-HUH.

- NOW REPEAT AFTER ME.
- YEAH?

- MYRIAPODS...
- MYRIAPODS...

- ARE DISTINGUISHED...
- ARE DISTINGUISHED...

- FROM ARACHNIDS...
- FROM ARACHNIDS...

BY THE SMALLER NUMBER OF...

- IT'S JUST LIKE YOU SAID.

EVERYTHING YOU
TOLD ME IS IN THE TEST.

- SHH!
- YOU'RE OKAY, ZELDA.

YOU'RE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

HI, BEAUTY!
- HOW DID YOUR TEST GO?

- A BREEZE, A PUSH-OVER,
A PIECE OF CAKE.

- OH, I'M SO GLAD!
- YEAH, ME TOO.

- BECAUSE THE MORE I
THINK ABOUT MEDICINE,

THE MORE I KNOW I'VE
MADE A WISE DECISION,

HAVEN'T WE?
- YEAH.

- DO YOU REALIZE THE
MONEY THERE IS IN HOSPITALS?

- WELL, FRANKLY, I
HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

- THERE IS A FORTUNE,
THAT'S WHAT, A FORTUNE!

DO YOU KNOW THE
MARKUP IN OXYGEN ALONE?

FANTASTIC, REALLY FANTASTIC!

AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

WHY, THE POOR CUSTOMERS,
WHAT CAN THEY DO?

YOU GOT THEM FLAT
ON THEIR BACKS.

- THRILLING, THAT'S
THE WORD FOR IT.

- THAT'S RIGHT, THRILLING.
- CAN I HOLD YOUR HANDS?

- OH, SURE. YOU SURE
YOU PASSED YOUR EXAMS?

- OH, I'M SURE, BABY.

- ALL RIGHT.

DOCTOR.

- ZERO?

- WHAT'S WRONG,
DOBIE? YOU LOOK GREEN.

- ZELDA, I DON'T GET IT.

I ANSWERED THESE QUESTIONS
EXACTLY THE WAY YOU TOLD ME.

- YEP.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YEP?

- I MEAN THAT ALL THE ANSWERS
I TOLD YOU WERE WRONG.

- BUT WHY?

- CAUSE YOU'RE A NO-GOOD RAT.

- I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW YOU.

- I'LL START FROM THE BEGINNING.

ONE NIGHT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO

WHILE I WAS ANSWERING THE
PROBLEMS IN YOUR LAB MANUAL,

A SHEET OF PAPER FELL OUT.

THERE WAS A POEM WRITTEN
ON THAT SHEET OF PAPER,

A POEM THAT BEGAN, "I LOVE
YOU WITH ALL MY POWER,

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY MIGHT."

REMEMBER THAT POEM, DOBIE?
- YEAH.

- I THOUGHT YOU'D
WRITTEN THAT POEM TO ME.

I THOUGHT PROPINQUITY
HAD FINALLY WORN YOU DOWN.

I WAS VERY HAPPY.

I WANTED TO TELL
YOU HOW HAPPY I WAS,

SO I PHONED THE YMCA
POOL AND ASKED FOR YOU.

THEY NEVER HEARD OF YOU.

- SO YOU WENT LOOKING FOR ME?

- AND I FOUND YOU
AT CHARLIE WONG'S

HOLDING HANDS WITH
THALIA MENNINGER.

SO I DECIDED TO FIX YOUR WAGON.

- WELL, YOU DID IT.
- ARE YOU SORE, DOBIE?

- NO, NO, I HAD IT COMING.

- CHEER UP, DOBIE.
I STILL LOVE YOU.

- I APPRECIATE THAT, ZELDA,

BUT I LOVE ANOTHER.

- THALIA?
- YEAH.

- YOU'LL NEVER GET HER.
- TRUE, AND YOU'LL NEVER GET ME.

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST
CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF?

- I'LL GET YOU. PROPINQUITY
WILL DO THE TRICK.

YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN
IT A FAIR TRAIL.

- ZELDA, I HATE
TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT PROPINQUITY DOESN'T WORK.

- IT CERTAINLY DOES!
- NO, IT DOESN'T.

ANYHOW, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GET A CHANCE TO FIND OUT

'CAUSE I'M GETTING
OUT OF ZOOLOGY

AND GOING BACK TO POETRY!

IF I CAN'T HAVE THALIA,

AT LEAST I CAN HAVE
SHELLEY AND KEATS!

WELL, HERE I AM, ALONE,
UNLOVED, UNWANTED.

IT'S JUST LIKE KEATS SAID.

"AND THIS IS WHY I SOJOURN HERE

"ALONE AND PALELY LOITERING,

"THOUGH THE SEDGE HAS
WITHERED FROM THE LAKE

AND NO BIRDS SING."

THAT'S TRUE. NO BIRDS SING,

NO MUSIC IN MY LIFE, NO JOY.

IT'S JUST LIKE SHELLEY SAID.

"OUT OF THE DAY AND NIGHT,
A JOY HAS TAKEN FLIGHT."

WELL, THAT'S THE
WAY IT IS WITH ME.

HOW ABOUT ZELDA?

WELL, I'M HAPPY TO REPORT

THAT WITH HER, THINGS
ARE NOT TOO BAD.

IT SEEMS SHE WAS RIGHT
ABOUT PROPINQUITY AFTER ALL.

WHEN I QUIT ZOOLOGY,

A NEW GUY TOOK MY
PLACE AT HER TABLE.

YOU REMEMBER ABOUT
ALPHABETICAL SEATING.

WELL, SHE'S ZELDA GILROY,
HE'S CLYDE GILLINGWATER.

THEY'RE GOING STEADY NOW.

THEY'RE VERY HAPPY.

I'M GLAD SOMEBODY IS.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪