The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 23 - The Chicken from Outer Space - full transcript
As hard as he tries, Dobie just can't seem to get rid of Zelda Gilroy, the one girl he doesn't want but wants him. Zelda is aware of Dobie's failings, such as not being a very bright student and thus not having any future career prospects. Zelda compensates for that by mapping out their future: they will live on a farm after they get married so that Dobie will at least be able to provide food. In being a farmer, Dobie has to take biology class, with which Zelda will help him. Dobie agrees to take biology only because he knows that brainy Zelda has his academic best interest in mind and will help him. Dobie sees being a farmer as his only future hope, regardless of if Zelda is in that future. As usual, Maynard follows Dobie into biology class. Their first project is to examine the effects of hormones on chicken. One will be injected with female hormones, one will be injected with male hormones and the control chicken will get no injection. Three problems arise with their new arrangement. First, Mr. Gillis, who doesn't know that Dobie has chickens, keeps on hearing rooster crows, which he is made to believe is all in his imagination. Second, Dobie wants out of his arrangement with Zelda if only because he has met the pretty Imogene Burkhart, who he sees as a possible girlfriend/future wife. And third, Maynard is forced to give the chickens their injections. He believes that a 2 cc injection means a 2 cup injection.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- THE OTHER DAY IN
SCHOOL I LEARNED
ABOUT THIS ANCIENT
GREEK NAMED DIOGENES
WHO USED TO GO
AROUND WITH A LANTERN
LOOKING FOR AN HONEST MAN.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
ONLY I DON'T LOOK FOR A MAN,
I LOOK FOR A GIRL.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HONEST,
SHE CAN BE CROOKED AS A DOG LEG,
JUST SO SHE'S BEAUTIFUL
AND SOFT AND PINK
AND ROUND AND MINE.
BOY, DO I LOOK.
I LOOK WITH LANTERNS,
WITH FLASHLIGHTS, WITH MATCHES,
WITH TELESCOPES, WITH RADAR,
BUT DO I FIND A GIRL? NO. NO.
THE ONLY GIRL I CAN GET IS
A GIRL NOBODY ELSE WANTS,
ESPECIALLY ME.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
- I SURE AM, ZELDA,
AND I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT
AS LONG AS THERE'S
BREATH IN MY BODY.
- WHY?
- ZELDA, NO OFFENSE,
BUT I HATE YOU.
- IT'LL PASS.
DOBIE, DON'T BE A FOOL.
GRAPPLE ME TO YOUR BOSOM.
YOU'LL NEVER GET ANOTHER GIRL.
- WHY NOT?
- WELL, TO GET A
GIRL YOU NEED MONEY.
TO GET MONEY YOU NEED TO WORK,
AND THAT LETS YOU OUT, BUSTER.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- DARN RIGHT THAT'S RIGHT.
- ZELDA, WOULD
YOU SAY I WAS A BUM?
- BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS.
- SO WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?
- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I
ASKED MYSELF THAT QUESTION?
HOW MANY NIGHTS
HAVE I LAIN AWAKE
AND SAID WHY, WHY, WHY?
- WHY?
- HERE I AM, A GIRL
WITH A BRILLIANT FUTURE.
INTELLIGENT, DETERMINED,
BEAUTIFUL, AMBITIOUS.
- BEAUTIFUL?
- ALL RIGHT.
SO I HAVEN'T QUITE
FILLED OUT YET.
SO GIVE ME TIME.
- I'LL GIVE YOU 40 YEARS.
JUST KEEP AWAY FROM ME.
- HOW CAN I KEEP AWAY FROM YOU?
I LOVE YOU.
- ZELDA.
- AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T
KNOW IT, YOU LOVE ME TOO.
- OH, COME ON.
- I'LL PROVE IT.
JUST NOW WHEN I
WRINKLED MY NOSE AT YOU,
YOU WRINKLED YOURS RIGHT BACK.
- I KEEP TELLING YOU,
IT'S JUST A REFLEX.
- ADMIT IT, DOBIE, YOU LOVE ME.
- ZELDA, I LOVE MY
MOTHER AND FATHER.
I LOVE MY BROTHER, DAVEY,
AND I LOVE MY FRIEND MAYNARD.
I LOVE MY LITTLE DOG, SPOT.
I LOVE MY NEW TWEED JACKET.
I LOVE BOWLING, I
LOVE POTATO CHIPS,
BUT YOU, ZELDA? NO, ZELDA.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE WASTING TIME.
- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
GET OFF MY BACK, HUH?
- NEVER.
- I'LL RUN AWAY.
- I'LL FOLLOW YOU.
- I'LL LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM.
- I'LL CLIMB IN THE WINDOW.
- I'LL DISGRACE YOU.
I'LL PICK MY TEETH IN PUBLIC,
I WON'T WASH, I WON'T SHAVE.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- HEY, BIG DADDY.
ZELDA, ARE YOU
STILL ON DOBIE'S BACK?
- I SURE AM, MAYNARD,
AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO.
- ME?
- MAYNARD, YOU CALL
YOURSELF DOBIE'S FRIEND.
- I'LL FIGHT ANYBODY
WHO SAYS I'M NOT,
INCLUDING YOU, EVEN
IF YOU ARE SMALLER.
- SPLENDID. NOW,
AS DOBIE'S FRIEND,
WHAT DO YOU SAY HIS
FUTURE LOOKS LIKE?
- IT'S, LIKE, BLACK, GIRL.
I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, BLACK.
- EXACTLY. HE NEEDS HELP.
- LIKE, DESPERATELY.
- SO WHO'S GOING
TO HELP HIM, YOU?
YOU'RE WORSE OFF THAN HE IS.
- I'M WORSE OFF THAN ANYBODY IS.
- SO WHO CAN HELP
HIM, HIS FATHER?
- HIS FATHER HELPED
HIM AT THE HOSPITAL.
- MAYNARD, I WILL HELP HIM.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL.
- MAYNARD, WILL
YOU KNOCK IT OFF?
SOME FRIEND.
ZELDA, PLEASE,
YOU'RE A NICE GIRL,
AND YOU'VE GOT A BIG HEART,
AND I DON'T LIKE TO
RANK YOU, HONEST,
BUT PLEASE, ZELDA,
BE A GOOD KID AND BEG OFF.
- I WOULD IF I COULD, DOBIE,
BUT I LOVE YOU AND I'VE
GOT TO HELP YOU OUT.
SO COME ON, SIT DOWN
AND LISTEN CAREFULLY,
BECAUSE I'VE GOT A PLAN.
- A PLAN, HUH?
LET'S, LIKE, HEAR IT.
- YOU LIKE HEAR IT. I'M GOING.
- WAIT.
- NOW, LET'S START
WITH FIRST PRINCIPLES.
DOBIE IS NEVER GOING TO
BE ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- SO WE MIGHT AS WELL
FORGET A BUSINESS OR
A PROFESSION FOR HIM.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- THE ONLY WAY, THE ONLY WAY
THAT DOBIE WILL EVER
SURVIVE IS FOR HIM TO GO BACK
TO THE LAND.
- LIKE, TRUE.
WHAT LAND?
- THE FARM.
AFTER DOBIE AND I ARE MARRIED,
WE'RE GOING TO
LIVE ON A LITTLE FARM.
- OH, NOW, LISTEN...
- SHH!
GIRL, CONTINUE ON.
- WE'LL RAISE OUR OWN FOOD,
WE'LL SPIN OUR OWN CLOTH,
WE'LL MAKE OUR OWN CLOTHING,
WE'LL BE SELF-SUFFICIENT.
- BUT DOBE DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT FARMING.
- OR ANYTHING ELSE. BUT
I THOUGHT OF THAT TOO.
SO WE'RE GOING DOWN TO SCHOOL
AND ENROLL DOBIE IN BIOLOGY.
HE CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT
PLANT AND ANIMAL LIFE.
- HE'LL FLUNK.
- NOT WITH ME TO HELP HIM.
- YEAH. GIRL, I GOT
TO HAND IT TO YOU,
YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING
FIGURED OUT, EVERY ANGLE.
IT'S, LIKE, FOOLPROOF.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
WELL, DOBIE, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- IT'S, LIKE, YOUR
ONLY CHANCE, MAN.
- AND I LOVE YOU.
- ZELDA.
- AND YOU LOVE ME TOO.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
YOUR NOSE JUST THEN.
- THAT DOESN'T PROVE A THING,
I TELL YOU. IT'S LIKE A REFLEX.
SOMEBODY WRINKLES THEIR
NOSE AND YOU WRINKLE BACK.
WATCH.
SEE? I COULD DO IT WITH ANYBODY.
OH, LOOK, WATCH THIS.
EXCUSE ME.
- OKAY. SO I'M CONVINCED.
SO WHAT WERE YOU GETTING AT?
- JUST THIS. THE WAY
YOU TWO FEEL ABOUT ME,
I'VE GOT TO FIGURE YOU
WOULDN'T GIVE ME A BUM STEER.
I MEAN, YOU MUST HAVE
MY INTEREST AT HEART,
SO IT'S A DEAL.
- YOU'LL NEVER
REGRET IT, LOVER DOLL.
WELL, COME ON, LET'S
GO ENROLL IN BIOLOGY.
- WELL, SO LONG, YOU CATS.
I'M GOING DOWN TO
THE RECORD STORE.
- OH, NO.
- OH, NO, WHAT?
- MAYNARD, ARE YOU MY BUDDY?
- THE BUDDIEST.
- AND I'M YOUR BUDDY.
- LIKE, THANKS.
- I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU,
MAYNARD, DEPEND ON IT.
- GEE, I'M GETTING
PRETTY MISTY, DOBE.
- WHERE YOU GO, I GO.
WHERE I GO, YOU GO.
- HEY, YOU'RE LIKE A
REAL HUMAN BEING.
- IF I TAKE BIOLOGY,
YOU TAKE BIOLOGY.
IF I LIVE ON THE FARM,
YOU LIVE ON THE FARM.
IF I MARRY ZELDA, YOU
ARE THE HIRED MAN.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T COUNT ON HIM
BEING IN ON THE DEAL.
- YEAH. LIKE, RIGHT.
- THAT'S THE DEAL.
IT'S A PACKAGE.
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
- I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE IT.
OKAY. LET'S GO TO SCHOOL.
- YEAH, BUT I DON'T
LIKE FARMING.
- OH, HI, ZELDA.
- DOBIE, YOU MADE IT.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- YEAH.
- HEY, DOBE, THEY'RE ALIVE.
LOOK, THERE'S MICE
AND RABBITS, AND...
- GUINEA PIGS.
- LITTLE RABBITS.
- GUINEA PIGS.
- BIG MICE.
- GUINEA PIGS.
- OKAY. DON'T TELL ME.
THEY'RE KIND OF CUTE.
- NOW, CUT THAT OUT.
SWELL.
- ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL?
- ZELDA!
ZELDA, I'M GOING ALONG WITH
YOU BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD
BUT DOWN DEEP I
CAN'T HELP FEELING
THE WHOLE THING'S A DISASTER,
A TOTAL DISASTER.
AND REMEMBER, ZELDA,
IT'S ON YOUR HEAD.
- NONSENSE. YOU'LL LOVE BIOLOGY.
- THE ONLY THING I'LL LOVE IS
WATCHING HIM TAKE BIOLOGY.
- HEY, YOU RASCALS,
WHY, YOU'RE THE
COOLEST THINGS I'VE SEEN
SINCE THE KINGSTON TRIO.
- BUT, MAN, YOU'RE THE...
HEY, YOU GOT TEETH?
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.
OOH, YOU GOT TEETH.
YOU GOT TEETH.
- WELL, GOOD MORNING, CLASS.
I'M GLAD TO SEE
EVERYBODY HARD AT WORK.
I'VE GOT A... NO, MAYNARD.
SAY IT ISN'T SO.
- LIKE, WHAT, SIR?
- YOU'RE JUST PASSING
THROUGH, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'RE NOT TAKING
BIOLOGY, ARE YOU?
ARE YOU, MAYNARD? ARE YOU?
- LIKE, YES, SIR.
- OF COURSE.
AND IF YOU'RE HERE, THEN
THE OTHER PRIZE PACKAGE
MUST BE HERE.
- HERE, SIR.
- WHAT ELSE?
ALL RIGHT. GO SIT DOWN.
- YES, SIR.
- I DON'T DESERVE IT.
NO, SIR, I DON'T.
I TEACH FOUR SECTIONS OF ENGLISH
AND TWO SECTIONS OF BIOLOGY.
I COACH THE DEBATING
TEAM AND THE SOCCER TEAM,
AND I WORK IN A GAS
STATION AT NIGHT.
I DON'T DESERVE IT, THAT'S ALL.
BUT, ENOUGH OF PATHOS.
LET'S GET DOWN TO HORMONES.
- HORMONES?
- HORMONES, MY YOUNG LOUTS,
THE COMPONENTS OF THE BODY
WHICH BEAR ON SEX.
- OOH, WHAT HE SAID.
- EACH TEAM WILL TAKE...
OH, FOR THE BENEFIT
OF THE NEWCOMERS,
I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN
THAT A TEAM CONSISTS
OF THREE STUDENTS
ALL SEATED AT THE SAME BENCH.
YOU THREE WILL BE A TEAM,
AND ZELDA, YOU HAVE MY
PROFOUNDEST SYMPATHY.
NOW, EACH TEAM, I SAY,
WILL TAKE THREE CHICKENS,
NO MORE THAN A MONTH OLD,
AND INJECT THEM WITH HORMONES
AT FIVE-DAY INTERVALS.
ONE CHICKEN WILL
RECEIVE FEMALE HORMONES,
ONE WILL RECEIVE MALE HORMONES,
AND ONE WILL RECEIVE NONE.
ANY QUESTIONS? YES.
- WHERE DO YOU WE GET HORMONES?
- WELL, YOU MIGHT TRY YOUR
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD GROCER.
- MY NEIGHBORHOOD
GROCER ISN'T VERY FRIENDLY.
- THE HORMONES WILL BE
SUPPLIED. YES, MAYNARD?
- WHERE DO WE GET CHICKENS?
- PERHAPS A POULTRY
DEALER IS THE ANSWER.
POULTRY ARE VERY
MUCH LIKE CHICKEN.
- YEAH. GOOD THINKING.
- YES?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN INJECT?
- I MEAN INJECT.
- WITH A NEEDLE?
- US?
- LIVE CHICKENS?
- US?
- WITH A NEEDLE?
- US?
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
- YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, NO.
ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS?
THANK YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. THAT DOES IT.
- I'M QUITTING.
- ME TOO.
- WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
- I'M NOT STICKING ANY
NEEDLES IN CHICKENS.
- LIVE CHICKENS.
- OH, POO, IT DOESN'T
HURT THEM A BIT.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW,
ARE YOU A CHICKEN?
- I'M CHICKEN.
I'M NOT STICKING
NEEDLES INTO NOBODY.
- QUIT FEELING SO PANICKY.
IT DOESN'T HURT
THEM, I TELL YOU.
I KNOW JUST HOW TO DO IT. OKAY.
I'LL DO ALL THE INJECTING.
NOW, JUST BE CALM. CALM.
- YEAH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, ZELDA.
BUT REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.
IT'S ON YOUR HEAD.
- HERBERT? OH.
IT'S 4:00, DEAR.
- I KNOW IT'S 4:00.
- IT'S TIME FOR THE
AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
- I KNOW IT'S TIME FOR
THE AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
- THEN WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
- A MIRACLE.
- WHAT?
- WINNIE, WHAT TIME DOES
DOBIE GET OUT OF SCHOOL?
- 2:30.
- AND HOW FAR
AWAY IS THE SCHOOL?
- YOU KNOW HOW FAR,
ABOUT A HALF A MILE.
- UH-HUH.
SOME PEOPLE CAN RUN A
WHOLE MILE IN FOUR MINUTES.
BUT MY SON CAN'T RUN A
HALF A MILE IN 90 MINUTES.
NOT ONCE HAS HE GOTTEN
HOME FROM SCHOOL
IN TIME TO MAKE THE
AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
NOT ONCE.
BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST.
I LIVE IN FAITH AND HOPE.
I BELIEVE THAT SOME
DAY, SOME SWEET DAY,
HE IS GOING TO MISCALCULATE.
HIS TIMING IS GOING TO
BE OFF JUST A FRACTION,
AND HE WILL COME
THROUGH THIS DOOR
AND BE STUCK
WITH THE AFTERNOON DELIVERY. OH.
- HERBERT?
- WHAT?
- AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY IT?
- YOU MEAN, I
GOTTA KILL THAT BOY,
I JUST GOTTA?
- YES.
NO.
- HI, MOM.
- HI.
- LIKE, HI.
- DAD'S GONE, ISN'T HE?
- YES, DEAR, HE JUST LEFT.
- MOM, WE'RE IN
A LITTLE TROUBLE.
- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
MAYNARD CERTAINLY IS.
WHAT ON EARTH HAVE
YOU GOT UNDER THERE?
- CAN I TAKE THEM
OUT NOW, LIKE, PLEASE?
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- UH-HUH.
- OH, THEM FEATHERS TICKLE.
MAN, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA WIG.
- WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE
YOU DOING WITH THOSE?
- IT'S FOR AN EXPERIMENT,
MOM, IN BIOLOGY.
- BUT YOU DON'T TAKE BIOLOGY.
- ASK HER.
- IT'S MY IDEA.
I'M GOING TO MAKE
A FARMER OUT OF HIM
SO WE WON'T STARVE TO
DEATH AFTER WE'RE MARRIED.
- AND YOU WON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ANYMORE.
- WELL, THAT'S VERY REASSURING.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO WITH THE CHICKENS?
- SO WE NEED SOME
PLACE TO KEEP THEM.
- FOR HOW LONG?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SIX, EIGHT, WEEKS.
- SIX, EIGHT WEEKS?
- WE TRIED TO KEEP
THEM AT MY HOUSE,
BUT MY FATHER SAID HE'D KILL ME.
- MY FATHER STARTED TO.
- SO I THOUGHT...
- NO, DOBIE.
YOU DIDN'T... HOW DO YOU IMAGINE
THAT YOUR FATHER'S
GOING TO FEEL?
- LIKE, WOW.
- YES, LIKE, WOW.
- MOTHER GILLIS...
- MOTHER GILLIS? THAT'S ME?
- OF COURSE. MOTHER GILLIS,
YOU JUST GOT TO HELP US OUT,
FOR DOBIE'S SAKE.
I MEAN, HE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE A BUM
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- IF HE CAN JUST GET
OVER THIS ONE HURDLE,
I'LL SEE TO IT THAT HE
ALWAYS HAS A WARM MEAL,
AND GOOD HOMESPUN
CLOTHING, AND A BED.
- EXCUSE ME, WHERE
ARE YOU PLANNING
TO KEEP THE CHICKENS?
AND I'M TALKING TO HIM.
- THAT OLD STOREROOM
DOWN IN THE BASEMENT,
WAY IN THE CORNER.
THE ONE WE DON'T USE ANYMORE.
- YOUR FATHER WILL...
- NEVER FIND OUT.
COME ON, MAN,
LET'S GET CRACKING.
- YEAH.
- SHH. THANK YOU, MOTHER GILLIS.
TOGETHER YOU AND I
WILL SALVAGE THAT BUM.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
GIRL. I JUST GOTTA.
- IF I TOLD YOU THAT
ZELDA'S PLAN WORKED OUT,
I'D BE A LIAR, AND I'M NOT.
OH, I LIE A LITTLE,
BUT ONLY TO MY PARENTS
AND GIRLS AND TEACHERS,
AND LIKE THAT. MOSTLY.
ZELDA'S PLAN WAS
JUST WHAT I SAID,
A DISASTER, A TOTAL DISASTER.
SHE WAS RIGHT ABOUT
ONE THING, ONLY ONE.
THE INJECTIONS DID
NOT HURT THE CHICKENS,
BUT...
- NOW, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING.
IT'S QUICK AND
SIMPLE AND PAINLESS.
NOW, WATCH. SEE, YOU
JUST PICK UP A WING
AND SEE, THAT'S
ALL THERE IS TO IT.
QUICK AND SIMPLE AND PAINLESS.
- MAN, I, LIKE, WANT OUT.
POKING NEEDLES IN CHICKENS.
THAT'S FOR SIX OTHER
CHICKEN POKERS, NOT ME.
- NO, MAYNARD.
I HATE TO ADMIT IT,
BUT ZELDA'S RIGHT.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO MAKE A LIVING.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- BUSINESS, A PROFESSION,
EVEN A SKILLED PROFESSION
LIKE SHEET METAL WORK,
ALL OUT.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- FARMING'S MY ONLY CHANCE.
- LIKE, SAD, BUT, LIKE, TRUE.
OH, FOOLING AROUND
WITH THEM CHICKENS.
- OH, MAYNARD, THE WAY
FARMING'S DONE TODAY,
THE CHANCES ARE I'LL NEVER
EVEN HAVE TO COME NEAR
A CHICKEN, OR A COW,
OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL.
- COWS MILK THEMSELVES?
- WELL, NO. NO. NOT EXACTLY.
SEE, THEY HAVE MACHINES NOW,
AND YOU JUST PUSH BUTTONS AND...
- OOH, COOL.
- YOU CAN RUN A WHOLE FARM.
- PUSH A BUTTON AND
OUT COMES BUTTER.
PUSH ANOTHER BUTTON
AND OUT COMES EGGS,
ANOTHER, KUMQUATS.
FLIP A SWITCH AND, LIKE,
ALL THE APPLES ARE
CHURNED FOR YOU.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
- YOU LIKE TURN ON THAT JUICE
AND YOU'RE UP TO YOUR
KNEES IN WATERMELON.
I MEAN, LIKE THERE'S NO MORE
HACKING AROUND WITH A SHOVEL.
NO MORE CHOPPING OFF THE RAKE.
I MEAN, LIKE, THE OLD
GRAY MARE IS GONE.
- MAYNARD.
- THE YOUNG GRAY MARE IS GONE.
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.
- I, LIKE, DON'T LIKE FARMING.
TOO MECHANIZED. NO CHALLENGE.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MAYNARD?
- WHAT?
- I, LIKE, DON'T LIKE IT EITHER.
AND ANOTHER THING BUGGED ME.
I HAD A FEELING
WE WERE MESSING AROUND
WITH THE FORCES OF NATURE,
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I MEAN, THE CHICKEN
WHO WAS GETTING SHOTS
OF MALE HORMONES GREW LIKE CRAZY
AND STARTED COCKADOODLE
DOOING ALL THE TIME.
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
WHICH PUT MY MOTHER
IN KIND OF A SPOT.
- [ ROOSTER CROWING]
- TELL ME YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- HEAR WHAT, DEAR?
- THAT ROOSTER.
- I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING, DEAR.
- WELL, I DID.
I'VE BEEN HEARING IT FOR DAYS,
AND IT KEEPS GETTING LOUDER.
- YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS, DEAR.
- WINNIE, I TELL YOU THERE'S
A ROOSTER AROUND HERE
SOME PLACE.
- NONSENSE,
WHAT WOULD A ROOSTER
BE DOING AROUND HERE.
NOW, COME ON, DEAR, IT'S
TIME FOR THE 4:00 DELIVERY.
- I KNOW IT'S TIME
FOR THE 4:00 DELIVERY.
DOBIE AIN'T HERE.
- GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.
DOBIE, THAT'S IT.
HE'S RAISING CHICKENS.
- DOBIE, RAISING CHICKENS?
WHY, WHAT SENSE WOULD THAT MAKE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
LAST YEAR HE TRIED
TO RAISE A MUSTACHE.
WHAT SENSE DID THAT MAKE?
- YOU'LL BE LATE
FOR THE DELIVERY.
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
- NOW DON'T TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- HEAR WHAT?
- WINNIE, I'LL BE A LITTLE
LATE GETTING BACK.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE WHEN I FINISH
MAKING THE DELIVERIES,
I'M GOING TO OUT AND
SEE A GOOD EAR DOCTOR,
OR MAYBE A GOOD HEAD DOCTOR.
- CHICKENS, HYPODERMICS,
ZELDA, THERE'S A
COMBINATION FOR YOU.
OH, LIFE WAS DARK.
DARK.
THEN IN THE MIDST OF THE
DARKNESS THERE WAS LIGHT.
NOW, THERE WAS MORE THAN LIGHT.
THERE WAS A SUNBURST.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
- I'M IMOGENE BURKHART.
- I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
YOU'RE GORGEOUS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU BEFORE?
- WELL, I JUST MOVED INTO TOWN.
- YOU JUST MOVED INTO TOWN
AND YOU SMILED RIGHT AT ME.
- WELL, YES. I
HATE TO BE LONELY.
- OH, WELL, THEN YOU
CAN'T BE GOING STEADY
OR LIKE THAT, CAN YOU.
- NO. HOW ABOUT YOU?
- WELL, I HAVE KIND OF
A LOOSE ARRANGEMENT,
BUT IT'S SUBJECT
TO CANCELLATION.
- WELL, YOU'RE CUTE.
- YOU ARE POETRY.
YOU ARE BEAUTY. YOU ARE LIFE.
- THAT LOOSE ARRANGEMENT
YOU SPOKE ABOUT,
WHY DON'T YOU CANCEL IT?
- PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING,
YOU GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
NOW, THAT'S WHY I LIVE IN HOPE,
BECAUSE YOU JUST NEVER KNOW
WHEN SOMETHING WONDERFUL
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
OH, WHEN LIFE IS GOOD
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER.
BUT ENOUGH JUBILATION.
I HAVE SOME GRIM
BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF.
I HAVE TO TELL ZELDA
IT'S ALL OVER BETWEEN US,
AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T
LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
- YES, DOBIE?
- ZELDA, FIRST I
WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING
YOU'VE DONE FOR ME.
YOU'VE BEEN
DEVOTED AND FAITHFUL.
- WHO IS SHE?
- WHO?
- THE GIRL YOU'RE
DUMPING ME FOR.
- OH, HER NAME IS
IMOGENE BURKHART.
SHE'S NEW IN TOWN.
- SHE'D HAVE TO BE TO
GET STUCK WITH YOU.
- I'LL OVERLOOK THAT, ZELDA.
I KNOW HOW SHOOK UP YOU MUST BE.
I MEAN, THE WAY YOU LOVE ME,
IT'S GOT TO BE A TERRIBLE BLOW,
BUT IT'S OVER, MY DEAR,
SO ISN'T IT BETTER
TO BREAK IT OFF
CLEAN AND HONEST?
- OH?
- ZELDA, IT WOULD
PLEASE ME VERY MUCH
IF WE COULD PART FRIENDS.
- OH?
- ZELDA, I KNEW
YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
- DOBIE, YOU'VE LEARNED A
LOT ABOUT CHICKENS LATELY.
HERE'S SOME FURTHER INFORMATION.
- YEAH.
- DON'T COUNT THEM
BEFORE THEY'RE HATCHED.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- NUMBER ONE, WE
ARE NOT FRIENDS.
NUMBER TWO, WE ARE NOT PARTING.
YOU'RE MINE, BUSTER,
AND THAT'S THE WAY
IT'S GOING TO STAY.
HELLO, MOTHER GILLIS.
- HELLO, ZELDA.
- HEY, I THOUGHT
YOU'D NEVER GET HERE.
WHERE'S DOBE?
- BUSY. NOW, LOOK, MAYNARD...
- ALL RIGHT. GIVE
THEM THE INJECTION.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. I
MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, SPOOK TIME.
- LISTEN, MAYNARD.
- I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, CREEPY.
LOOK AT THAT CHICKEN.
THE ONE WHO'S BEEN
GETTING THE MALE HORMONES.
LOOK HOW BIG HE'S GETTING.
I MEAN, LIKE, IT AIN'T NATURAL.
- MAYNARD, LOOK...
- SO MAKE IT FAST, LITTLE GIRL.
I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, I
DON'T LIKE IT HERE.
- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
LISTEN? I CAN'T STAY.
DOBIE'S IN TROUBLE.
YOUR BUDDY'S IN TROUBLE,
AND I'VE GOT TO MOVE FAST
IF I'M GOING TO SAVE HIM,
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO
GIVE HIM THE INJECTIONS.
YOU'LL DO IT, WON'T
YOU, MAYNARD?
FOR DOBIE, FOR YOUR BUDDY,
FOR THE BEST FRIEND
A MAN EVER HAD?
YOU'LL DO IT, WON'T YOU?
- NO.
- SURE YOU WILL.
- NO.
- SURE YOU WILL. NOW LOOK,
HERE ARE ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS.
YOU CAN DO IT,
MAYNARD. YOU HAVE TO.
- ZELDA.
- IT HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW,
OR THE WHOLE EXPERIMENT...
- NO. NO. NO.
I'M BROADCASTING, BUT
SHE'S NOT RECEIVING.
TAKE 2 CCs OF HORMONE
AND DISSOLVE IT IN...
2 CC?
WHAT'S A C?
PSST.
- OH, MAYNARD,
WHY, YOU SCARED
ME NEAR TO DEATH.
- YEAH. THAT'S WHAT
EVERYBODY SAYS.
- WELL, WHAT DID
YOU WANT, MAYNARD?
- WHAT'S A C?
- WHAT KIND OF A C?
- YOU KNOW, A C?
- YOU MEAN LIKE
THE MEDITERRANEAN
OR THE CASPIAN?
- NO. NO.
LIKE THE LETTER, A, B, C.
- OH, WELL, HOW IS IT USED?
- WELL, IF YOU'RE,
LIKE, MIXING SOMETHING
AND IT SAYS TAKES TWO
Cs OR A C, OR, LIKE, THAT.
- OH, YOU MEAN IN A RECIPE.
- YEAH. LIKE A RECIPE.
- WELL, IN A RECIPE,
C STANDS FOR A CUP.
- OH, WHAT AN AGE WE
LIVE IN. THANKS, MRS. GILLIS.
- OH, DOBIE, I NEVER MET
ANYBODY LIKE YOU BEFORE.
- FEW HAVE.
- YOU SAY THE CUTEST THINGS.
- YES. BUT THE
BEST IS YET TO COME.
I HAVE WRITTEN YOU A POEM.
- A POEM FOR ME?
- YES.
"IMOGENE, MY DARLING,
IMOGENE, MY LOVE,
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A STARLING,
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A DOVE.
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A SQUIRREL,
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A BEAVER.
"I'D EVEN LET YOU TAKE MY HEART
AND CHOP IT WITH A CLEAVER."
- VERY TOUCHING.
- ZELDA, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
- SO YOU'RE IMOGENE, HUH?
- WHO ARE YOU?
- ZELDA GILROY,
IMOGENE BURKHART.
- OH, YES. THE
LOOSE ARRANGEMENT.
- ZELDA, NO OFFENSE,
BUT THIS IS KIND OF PRIVATE.
- IMOGENE, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT THIS BOY?
- WHAT?
- WELL, WHAT DO I HAVE TO KNOW?
HE'S CUTE, HE'S
CHARMING, HE'S FUN.
- I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT
YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
NOW, HERE BEFORE YOU,
YOU HAVE A TRANSCRIPT
OF HIS GRADES
FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.
- GRADES?
- HIS LAST IQ TEST.
- NUMBERS ON A PAGE.
- HIS PERSONALITY PROFILE.
- A LOT OF GREAT PEOPLE
HAVE LOUSY PERSON...
- A RECORD OF HIS ATTENDANCE.
- AND I WAS SICK THAT SEMESTER.
- A SAMPLE OF HIS PENMANSHIP.
A PICTURE OF HIS FATHER.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?
- DOBIE GILLIS, YOU ARE...
WELL, THANK YOU, ZELDA.
THANK YOU FROM THE
BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
- I'M A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- A PICTURE OF MY FATHER?
THAT WAS A LOUSY THING TO DO.
- WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT DID THE LOUSY THING,
SNOWING THAT POOR
YOUNG INNOCENT GIRL.
- SHE WAS APE FOR ME.
- FOR HOW LONG?
SOONER OR LATER SHE
WAS BOUND TO FIND OUT
YOU'RE AN IDIOT. EVERYBODY DOES.
- THANKS A LOT.
- DOBIE, WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING?
NO GIRL WILL EVER BE
AS GOOD TO YOU AS I AM.
I LOVE YOU, AND I'LL
ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU.
EVENTUALLY YOU'LL LOVE
ME TOO, SO WHY FIGHT IT?
ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M THE
ONLY GIRL YOU CAN GET.
- ZELDA, IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, I
TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES,
THIS NOSE WRINKLING
IS JUST A REFLEX.
IT'S LIKE WHEN SOMEBODY YAWNS.
- WINNIE, YOU'VE
JUST GOT TO LISTEN.
- LATER, HERBERT,
I'M FILLING AN ORDER.
- NEVER MIND ABOUT THE ORDER.
NOW, ABOUT THAT
ROOSTER I KEEP HEARING.
- OH, DOBIE. WHAT'S THE MATTER,
DEAR? YOU DON'T LOOK WELL.
- I'M LOW, MOM.
- YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT HE IS, LIKE, LOW.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- YEAH. EVERYTHING.
- LET'S EAT SOME COOKIES,
MAYBE THAT'LL HELP.
- OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
- WE OWE IT TO
OURSELVES TO, LIKE, TRY.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
- STAY OUT OF THE
CHOCOLATE FINGERS.
STICK WITH THE BROKEN ONES.
WINNIE.
NOW, WINNIE,
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
ME RIGHT IN THE EYE
AND TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD THAT ROOSTER.
- UH-OH.
- YEAH. LIKE, UH-OH.
- ANSWER ME, WINNIE.
- CUSTOMER.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING, MRS. KENNY.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
- I SHOULD THINK SO,
THE WAY YOU OVERCHARGE ME.
- YOU'VE SEEN THOSE
CHICKENS LATELY?
- YESTERDAY, WHEN I GAVE THEM
THOSE TWO CUPS OF HORMONES.
- TWO WHAT?
- TWO CCs.
- OH, THANK HEAVEN.
FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT
YOU SAID TWO CUPS.
TWO CENTIMETERS
IS ABOUT THIS MUCH.
- YEAH, I KNOW. TWO
CUPS IS A LOT MORE.
- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?
- HOW MUCH ARE CARROTS?
- 12 CENTS A BUNCH.
- TWO FOR A QUARTER?
- WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP
PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO PUT SOMETHING
OVER ON MRS. KENNY.
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
NO ROOSTER, HUH?
WHAT DID THAT SOUND
LIKE, A PARAKEET?
AND HE'S RIGHT HERE IN MY STORE!
HE'S RIGHT BEHIND THAT DOOR!
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
[ WOMEN SCREAMING ]
- RIDICULOUS.
- BUT I SAW IT,
EVERYBODY SAW IT.
- PISH POSH.
- ALL RIGHT, SMART APPLE.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN IT?
- SIMPLEST THING IN THE WORLD,
MASS HYPNOSIS, VERY COMMON.
- YEAH? MAYNARD,
BRING IN WHAT YOU
FOUND IN THE BASEMENT.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- THE OTHER DAY IN
SCHOOL I LEARNED
ABOUT THIS ANCIENT
GREEK NAMED DIOGENES
WHO USED TO GO
AROUND WITH A LANTERN
LOOKING FOR AN HONEST MAN.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
ONLY I DON'T LOOK FOR A MAN,
I LOOK FOR A GIRL.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HONEST,
SHE CAN BE CROOKED AS A DOG LEG,
JUST SO SHE'S BEAUTIFUL
AND SOFT AND PINK
AND ROUND AND MINE.
BOY, DO I LOOK.
I LOOK WITH LANTERNS,
WITH FLASHLIGHTS, WITH MATCHES,
WITH TELESCOPES, WITH RADAR,
BUT DO I FIND A GIRL? NO. NO.
THE ONLY GIRL I CAN GET IS
A GIRL NOBODY ELSE WANTS,
ESPECIALLY ME.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
- I SURE AM, ZELDA,
AND I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT
AS LONG AS THERE'S
BREATH IN MY BODY.
- WHY?
- ZELDA, NO OFFENSE,
BUT I HATE YOU.
- IT'LL PASS.
DOBIE, DON'T BE A FOOL.
GRAPPLE ME TO YOUR BOSOM.
YOU'LL NEVER GET ANOTHER GIRL.
- WHY NOT?
- WELL, TO GET A
GIRL YOU NEED MONEY.
TO GET MONEY YOU NEED TO WORK,
AND THAT LETS YOU OUT, BUSTER.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- DARN RIGHT THAT'S RIGHT.
- ZELDA, WOULD
YOU SAY I WAS A BUM?
- BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS.
- SO WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?
- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I
ASKED MYSELF THAT QUESTION?
HOW MANY NIGHTS
HAVE I LAIN AWAKE
AND SAID WHY, WHY, WHY?
- WHY?
- HERE I AM, A GIRL
WITH A BRILLIANT FUTURE.
INTELLIGENT, DETERMINED,
BEAUTIFUL, AMBITIOUS.
- BEAUTIFUL?
- ALL RIGHT.
SO I HAVEN'T QUITE
FILLED OUT YET.
SO GIVE ME TIME.
- I'LL GIVE YOU 40 YEARS.
JUST KEEP AWAY FROM ME.
- HOW CAN I KEEP AWAY FROM YOU?
I LOVE YOU.
- ZELDA.
- AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T
KNOW IT, YOU LOVE ME TOO.
- OH, COME ON.
- I'LL PROVE IT.
JUST NOW WHEN I
WRINKLED MY NOSE AT YOU,
YOU WRINKLED YOURS RIGHT BACK.
- I KEEP TELLING YOU,
IT'S JUST A REFLEX.
- ADMIT IT, DOBIE, YOU LOVE ME.
- ZELDA, I LOVE MY
MOTHER AND FATHER.
I LOVE MY BROTHER, DAVEY,
AND I LOVE MY FRIEND MAYNARD.
I LOVE MY LITTLE DOG, SPOT.
I LOVE MY NEW TWEED JACKET.
I LOVE BOWLING, I
LOVE POTATO CHIPS,
BUT YOU, ZELDA? NO, ZELDA.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE WASTING TIME.
- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
GET OFF MY BACK, HUH?
- NEVER.
- I'LL RUN AWAY.
- I'LL FOLLOW YOU.
- I'LL LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM.
- I'LL CLIMB IN THE WINDOW.
- I'LL DISGRACE YOU.
I'LL PICK MY TEETH IN PUBLIC,
I WON'T WASH, I WON'T SHAVE.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- HEY, BIG DADDY.
ZELDA, ARE YOU
STILL ON DOBIE'S BACK?
- I SURE AM, MAYNARD,
AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO.
- ME?
- MAYNARD, YOU CALL
YOURSELF DOBIE'S FRIEND.
- I'LL FIGHT ANYBODY
WHO SAYS I'M NOT,
INCLUDING YOU, EVEN
IF YOU ARE SMALLER.
- SPLENDID. NOW,
AS DOBIE'S FRIEND,
WHAT DO YOU SAY HIS
FUTURE LOOKS LIKE?
- IT'S, LIKE, BLACK, GIRL.
I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, BLACK.
- EXACTLY. HE NEEDS HELP.
- LIKE, DESPERATELY.
- SO WHO'S GOING
TO HELP HIM, YOU?
YOU'RE WORSE OFF THAN HE IS.
- I'M WORSE OFF THAN ANYBODY IS.
- SO WHO CAN HELP
HIM, HIS FATHER?
- HIS FATHER HELPED
HIM AT THE HOSPITAL.
- MAYNARD, I WILL HELP HIM.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL.
- MAYNARD, WILL
YOU KNOCK IT OFF?
SOME FRIEND.
ZELDA, PLEASE,
YOU'RE A NICE GIRL,
AND YOU'VE GOT A BIG HEART,
AND I DON'T LIKE TO
RANK YOU, HONEST,
BUT PLEASE, ZELDA,
BE A GOOD KID AND BEG OFF.
- I WOULD IF I COULD, DOBIE,
BUT I LOVE YOU AND I'VE
GOT TO HELP YOU OUT.
SO COME ON, SIT DOWN
AND LISTEN CAREFULLY,
BECAUSE I'VE GOT A PLAN.
- A PLAN, HUH?
LET'S, LIKE, HEAR IT.
- YOU LIKE HEAR IT. I'M GOING.
- WAIT.
- NOW, LET'S START
WITH FIRST PRINCIPLES.
DOBIE IS NEVER GOING TO
BE ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- SO WE MIGHT AS WELL
FORGET A BUSINESS OR
A PROFESSION FOR HIM.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- THE ONLY WAY, THE ONLY WAY
THAT DOBIE WILL EVER
SURVIVE IS FOR HIM TO GO BACK
TO THE LAND.
- LIKE, TRUE.
WHAT LAND?
- THE FARM.
AFTER DOBIE AND I ARE MARRIED,
WE'RE GOING TO
LIVE ON A LITTLE FARM.
- OH, NOW, LISTEN...
- SHH!
GIRL, CONTINUE ON.
- WE'LL RAISE OUR OWN FOOD,
WE'LL SPIN OUR OWN CLOTH,
WE'LL MAKE OUR OWN CLOTHING,
WE'LL BE SELF-SUFFICIENT.
- BUT DOBE DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT FARMING.
- OR ANYTHING ELSE. BUT
I THOUGHT OF THAT TOO.
SO WE'RE GOING DOWN TO SCHOOL
AND ENROLL DOBIE IN BIOLOGY.
HE CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT
PLANT AND ANIMAL LIFE.
- HE'LL FLUNK.
- NOT WITH ME TO HELP HIM.
- YEAH. GIRL, I GOT
TO HAND IT TO YOU,
YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING
FIGURED OUT, EVERY ANGLE.
IT'S, LIKE, FOOLPROOF.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
WELL, DOBIE, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- IT'S, LIKE, YOUR
ONLY CHANCE, MAN.
- AND I LOVE YOU.
- ZELDA.
- AND YOU LOVE ME TOO.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
YOUR NOSE JUST THEN.
- THAT DOESN'T PROVE A THING,
I TELL YOU. IT'S LIKE A REFLEX.
SOMEBODY WRINKLES THEIR
NOSE AND YOU WRINKLE BACK.
WATCH.
SEE? I COULD DO IT WITH ANYBODY.
OH, LOOK, WATCH THIS.
EXCUSE ME.
- OKAY. SO I'M CONVINCED.
SO WHAT WERE YOU GETTING AT?
- JUST THIS. THE WAY
YOU TWO FEEL ABOUT ME,
I'VE GOT TO FIGURE YOU
WOULDN'T GIVE ME A BUM STEER.
I MEAN, YOU MUST HAVE
MY INTEREST AT HEART,
SO IT'S A DEAL.
- YOU'LL NEVER
REGRET IT, LOVER DOLL.
WELL, COME ON, LET'S
GO ENROLL IN BIOLOGY.
- WELL, SO LONG, YOU CATS.
I'M GOING DOWN TO
THE RECORD STORE.
- OH, NO.
- OH, NO, WHAT?
- MAYNARD, ARE YOU MY BUDDY?
- THE BUDDIEST.
- AND I'M YOUR BUDDY.
- LIKE, THANKS.
- I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU,
MAYNARD, DEPEND ON IT.
- GEE, I'M GETTING
PRETTY MISTY, DOBE.
- WHERE YOU GO, I GO.
WHERE I GO, YOU GO.
- HEY, YOU'RE LIKE A
REAL HUMAN BEING.
- IF I TAKE BIOLOGY,
YOU TAKE BIOLOGY.
IF I LIVE ON THE FARM,
YOU LIVE ON THE FARM.
IF I MARRY ZELDA, YOU
ARE THE HIRED MAN.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T COUNT ON HIM
BEING IN ON THE DEAL.
- YEAH. LIKE, RIGHT.
- THAT'S THE DEAL.
IT'S A PACKAGE.
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
- I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE IT.
OKAY. LET'S GO TO SCHOOL.
- YEAH, BUT I DON'T
LIKE FARMING.
- OH, HI, ZELDA.
- DOBIE, YOU MADE IT.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- YEAH.
- HEY, DOBE, THEY'RE ALIVE.
LOOK, THERE'S MICE
AND RABBITS, AND...
- GUINEA PIGS.
- LITTLE RABBITS.
- GUINEA PIGS.
- BIG MICE.
- GUINEA PIGS.
- OKAY. DON'T TELL ME.
THEY'RE KIND OF CUTE.
- NOW, CUT THAT OUT.
SWELL.
- ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL?
- ZELDA!
ZELDA, I'M GOING ALONG WITH
YOU BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD
BUT DOWN DEEP I
CAN'T HELP FEELING
THE WHOLE THING'S A DISASTER,
A TOTAL DISASTER.
AND REMEMBER, ZELDA,
IT'S ON YOUR HEAD.
- NONSENSE. YOU'LL LOVE BIOLOGY.
- THE ONLY THING I'LL LOVE IS
WATCHING HIM TAKE BIOLOGY.
- HEY, YOU RASCALS,
WHY, YOU'RE THE
COOLEST THINGS I'VE SEEN
SINCE THE KINGSTON TRIO.
- BUT, MAN, YOU'RE THE...
HEY, YOU GOT TEETH?
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.
OOH, YOU GOT TEETH.
YOU GOT TEETH.
- WELL, GOOD MORNING, CLASS.
I'M GLAD TO SEE
EVERYBODY HARD AT WORK.
I'VE GOT A... NO, MAYNARD.
SAY IT ISN'T SO.
- LIKE, WHAT, SIR?
- YOU'RE JUST PASSING
THROUGH, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'RE NOT TAKING
BIOLOGY, ARE YOU?
ARE YOU, MAYNARD? ARE YOU?
- LIKE, YES, SIR.
- OF COURSE.
AND IF YOU'RE HERE, THEN
THE OTHER PRIZE PACKAGE
MUST BE HERE.
- HERE, SIR.
- WHAT ELSE?
ALL RIGHT. GO SIT DOWN.
- YES, SIR.
- I DON'T DESERVE IT.
NO, SIR, I DON'T.
I TEACH FOUR SECTIONS OF ENGLISH
AND TWO SECTIONS OF BIOLOGY.
I COACH THE DEBATING
TEAM AND THE SOCCER TEAM,
AND I WORK IN A GAS
STATION AT NIGHT.
I DON'T DESERVE IT, THAT'S ALL.
BUT, ENOUGH OF PATHOS.
LET'S GET DOWN TO HORMONES.
- HORMONES?
- HORMONES, MY YOUNG LOUTS,
THE COMPONENTS OF THE BODY
WHICH BEAR ON SEX.
- OOH, WHAT HE SAID.
- EACH TEAM WILL TAKE...
OH, FOR THE BENEFIT
OF THE NEWCOMERS,
I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN
THAT A TEAM CONSISTS
OF THREE STUDENTS
ALL SEATED AT THE SAME BENCH.
YOU THREE WILL BE A TEAM,
AND ZELDA, YOU HAVE MY
PROFOUNDEST SYMPATHY.
NOW, EACH TEAM, I SAY,
WILL TAKE THREE CHICKENS,
NO MORE THAN A MONTH OLD,
AND INJECT THEM WITH HORMONES
AT FIVE-DAY INTERVALS.
ONE CHICKEN WILL
RECEIVE FEMALE HORMONES,
ONE WILL RECEIVE MALE HORMONES,
AND ONE WILL RECEIVE NONE.
ANY QUESTIONS? YES.
- WHERE DO YOU WE GET HORMONES?
- WELL, YOU MIGHT TRY YOUR
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD GROCER.
- MY NEIGHBORHOOD
GROCER ISN'T VERY FRIENDLY.
- THE HORMONES WILL BE
SUPPLIED. YES, MAYNARD?
- WHERE DO WE GET CHICKENS?
- PERHAPS A POULTRY
DEALER IS THE ANSWER.
POULTRY ARE VERY
MUCH LIKE CHICKEN.
- YEAH. GOOD THINKING.
- YES?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN INJECT?
- I MEAN INJECT.
- WITH A NEEDLE?
- US?
- LIVE CHICKENS?
- US?
- WITH A NEEDLE?
- US?
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
- YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, NO.
ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS?
THANK YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. THAT DOES IT.
- I'M QUITTING.
- ME TOO.
- WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
- I'M NOT STICKING ANY
NEEDLES IN CHICKENS.
- LIVE CHICKENS.
- OH, POO, IT DOESN'T
HURT THEM A BIT.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW,
ARE YOU A CHICKEN?
- I'M CHICKEN.
I'M NOT STICKING
NEEDLES INTO NOBODY.
- QUIT FEELING SO PANICKY.
IT DOESN'T HURT
THEM, I TELL YOU.
I KNOW JUST HOW TO DO IT. OKAY.
I'LL DO ALL THE INJECTING.
NOW, JUST BE CALM. CALM.
- YEAH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, ZELDA.
BUT REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.
IT'S ON YOUR HEAD.
- HERBERT? OH.
IT'S 4:00, DEAR.
- I KNOW IT'S 4:00.
- IT'S TIME FOR THE
AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
- I KNOW IT'S TIME FOR
THE AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
- THEN WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
- A MIRACLE.
- WHAT?
- WINNIE, WHAT TIME DOES
DOBIE GET OUT OF SCHOOL?
- 2:30.
- AND HOW FAR
AWAY IS THE SCHOOL?
- YOU KNOW HOW FAR,
ABOUT A HALF A MILE.
- UH-HUH.
SOME PEOPLE CAN RUN A
WHOLE MILE IN FOUR MINUTES.
BUT MY SON CAN'T RUN A
HALF A MILE IN 90 MINUTES.
NOT ONCE HAS HE GOTTEN
HOME FROM SCHOOL
IN TIME TO MAKE THE
AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
NOT ONCE.
BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST.
I LIVE IN FAITH AND HOPE.
I BELIEVE THAT SOME
DAY, SOME SWEET DAY,
HE IS GOING TO MISCALCULATE.
HIS TIMING IS GOING TO
BE OFF JUST A FRACTION,
AND HE WILL COME
THROUGH THIS DOOR
AND BE STUCK
WITH THE AFTERNOON DELIVERY. OH.
- HERBERT?
- WHAT?
- AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY IT?
- YOU MEAN, I
GOTTA KILL THAT BOY,
I JUST GOTTA?
- YES.
NO.
- HI, MOM.
- HI.
- LIKE, HI.
- DAD'S GONE, ISN'T HE?
- YES, DEAR, HE JUST LEFT.
- MOM, WE'RE IN
A LITTLE TROUBLE.
- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
MAYNARD CERTAINLY IS.
WHAT ON EARTH HAVE
YOU GOT UNDER THERE?
- CAN I TAKE THEM
OUT NOW, LIKE, PLEASE?
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- UH-HUH.
- OH, THEM FEATHERS TICKLE.
MAN, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA WIG.
- WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE
YOU DOING WITH THOSE?
- IT'S FOR AN EXPERIMENT,
MOM, IN BIOLOGY.
- BUT YOU DON'T TAKE BIOLOGY.
- ASK HER.
- IT'S MY IDEA.
I'M GOING TO MAKE
A FARMER OUT OF HIM
SO WE WON'T STARVE TO
DEATH AFTER WE'RE MARRIED.
- AND YOU WON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ANYMORE.
- WELL, THAT'S VERY REASSURING.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO WITH THE CHICKENS?
- SO WE NEED SOME
PLACE TO KEEP THEM.
- FOR HOW LONG?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SIX, EIGHT, WEEKS.
- SIX, EIGHT WEEKS?
- WE TRIED TO KEEP
THEM AT MY HOUSE,
BUT MY FATHER SAID HE'D KILL ME.
- MY FATHER STARTED TO.
- SO I THOUGHT...
- NO, DOBIE.
YOU DIDN'T... HOW DO YOU IMAGINE
THAT YOUR FATHER'S
GOING TO FEEL?
- LIKE, WOW.
- YES, LIKE, WOW.
- MOTHER GILLIS...
- MOTHER GILLIS? THAT'S ME?
- OF COURSE. MOTHER GILLIS,
YOU JUST GOT TO HELP US OUT,
FOR DOBIE'S SAKE.
I MEAN, HE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE A BUM
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- IF HE CAN JUST GET
OVER THIS ONE HURDLE,
I'LL SEE TO IT THAT HE
ALWAYS HAS A WARM MEAL,
AND GOOD HOMESPUN
CLOTHING, AND A BED.
- EXCUSE ME, WHERE
ARE YOU PLANNING
TO KEEP THE CHICKENS?
AND I'M TALKING TO HIM.
- THAT OLD STOREROOM
DOWN IN THE BASEMENT,
WAY IN THE CORNER.
THE ONE WE DON'T USE ANYMORE.
- YOUR FATHER WILL...
- NEVER FIND OUT.
COME ON, MAN,
LET'S GET CRACKING.
- YEAH.
- SHH. THANK YOU, MOTHER GILLIS.
TOGETHER YOU AND I
WILL SALVAGE THAT BUM.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
GIRL. I JUST GOTTA.
- IF I TOLD YOU THAT
ZELDA'S PLAN WORKED OUT,
I'D BE A LIAR, AND I'M NOT.
OH, I LIE A LITTLE,
BUT ONLY TO MY PARENTS
AND GIRLS AND TEACHERS,
AND LIKE THAT. MOSTLY.
ZELDA'S PLAN WAS
JUST WHAT I SAID,
A DISASTER, A TOTAL DISASTER.
SHE WAS RIGHT ABOUT
ONE THING, ONLY ONE.
THE INJECTIONS DID
NOT HURT THE CHICKENS,
BUT...
- NOW, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING.
IT'S QUICK AND
SIMPLE AND PAINLESS.
NOW, WATCH. SEE, YOU
JUST PICK UP A WING
AND SEE, THAT'S
ALL THERE IS TO IT.
QUICK AND SIMPLE AND PAINLESS.
- MAN, I, LIKE, WANT OUT.
POKING NEEDLES IN CHICKENS.
THAT'S FOR SIX OTHER
CHICKEN POKERS, NOT ME.
- NO, MAYNARD.
I HATE TO ADMIT IT,
BUT ZELDA'S RIGHT.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO MAKE A LIVING.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- BUSINESS, A PROFESSION,
EVEN A SKILLED PROFESSION
LIKE SHEET METAL WORK,
ALL OUT.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- FARMING'S MY ONLY CHANCE.
- LIKE, SAD, BUT, LIKE, TRUE.
OH, FOOLING AROUND
WITH THEM CHICKENS.
- OH, MAYNARD, THE WAY
FARMING'S DONE TODAY,
THE CHANCES ARE I'LL NEVER
EVEN HAVE TO COME NEAR
A CHICKEN, OR A COW,
OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL.
- COWS MILK THEMSELVES?
- WELL, NO. NO. NOT EXACTLY.
SEE, THEY HAVE MACHINES NOW,
AND YOU JUST PUSH BUTTONS AND...
- OOH, COOL.
- YOU CAN RUN A WHOLE FARM.
- PUSH A BUTTON AND
OUT COMES BUTTER.
PUSH ANOTHER BUTTON
AND OUT COMES EGGS,
ANOTHER, KUMQUATS.
FLIP A SWITCH AND, LIKE,
ALL THE APPLES ARE
CHURNED FOR YOU.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
- YOU LIKE TURN ON THAT JUICE
AND YOU'RE UP TO YOUR
KNEES IN WATERMELON.
I MEAN, LIKE THERE'S NO MORE
HACKING AROUND WITH A SHOVEL.
NO MORE CHOPPING OFF THE RAKE.
I MEAN, LIKE, THE OLD
GRAY MARE IS GONE.
- MAYNARD.
- THE YOUNG GRAY MARE IS GONE.
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.
- I, LIKE, DON'T LIKE FARMING.
TOO MECHANIZED. NO CHALLENGE.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MAYNARD?
- WHAT?
- I, LIKE, DON'T LIKE IT EITHER.
AND ANOTHER THING BUGGED ME.
I HAD A FEELING
WE WERE MESSING AROUND
WITH THE FORCES OF NATURE,
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I MEAN, THE CHICKEN
WHO WAS GETTING SHOTS
OF MALE HORMONES GREW LIKE CRAZY
AND STARTED COCKADOODLE
DOOING ALL THE TIME.
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
WHICH PUT MY MOTHER
IN KIND OF A SPOT.
- [ ROOSTER CROWING]
- TELL ME YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- HEAR WHAT, DEAR?
- THAT ROOSTER.
- I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING, DEAR.
- WELL, I DID.
I'VE BEEN HEARING IT FOR DAYS,
AND IT KEEPS GETTING LOUDER.
- YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS, DEAR.
- WINNIE, I TELL YOU THERE'S
A ROOSTER AROUND HERE
SOME PLACE.
- NONSENSE,
WHAT WOULD A ROOSTER
BE DOING AROUND HERE.
NOW, COME ON, DEAR, IT'S
TIME FOR THE 4:00 DELIVERY.
- I KNOW IT'S TIME
FOR THE 4:00 DELIVERY.
DOBIE AIN'T HERE.
- GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.
DOBIE, THAT'S IT.
HE'S RAISING CHICKENS.
- DOBIE, RAISING CHICKENS?
WHY, WHAT SENSE WOULD THAT MAKE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
LAST YEAR HE TRIED
TO RAISE A MUSTACHE.
WHAT SENSE DID THAT MAKE?
- YOU'LL BE LATE
FOR THE DELIVERY.
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
- NOW DON'T TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- HEAR WHAT?
- WINNIE, I'LL BE A LITTLE
LATE GETTING BACK.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE WHEN I FINISH
MAKING THE DELIVERIES,
I'M GOING TO OUT AND
SEE A GOOD EAR DOCTOR,
OR MAYBE A GOOD HEAD DOCTOR.
- CHICKENS, HYPODERMICS,
ZELDA, THERE'S A
COMBINATION FOR YOU.
OH, LIFE WAS DARK.
DARK.
THEN IN THE MIDST OF THE
DARKNESS THERE WAS LIGHT.
NOW, THERE WAS MORE THAN LIGHT.
THERE WAS A SUNBURST.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
- I'M IMOGENE BURKHART.
- I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
YOU'RE GORGEOUS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU BEFORE?
- WELL, I JUST MOVED INTO TOWN.
- YOU JUST MOVED INTO TOWN
AND YOU SMILED RIGHT AT ME.
- WELL, YES. I
HATE TO BE LONELY.
- OH, WELL, THEN YOU
CAN'T BE GOING STEADY
OR LIKE THAT, CAN YOU.
- NO. HOW ABOUT YOU?
- WELL, I HAVE KIND OF
A LOOSE ARRANGEMENT,
BUT IT'S SUBJECT
TO CANCELLATION.
- WELL, YOU'RE CUTE.
- YOU ARE POETRY.
YOU ARE BEAUTY. YOU ARE LIFE.
- THAT LOOSE ARRANGEMENT
YOU SPOKE ABOUT,
WHY DON'T YOU CANCEL IT?
- PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING,
YOU GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
NOW, THAT'S WHY I LIVE IN HOPE,
BECAUSE YOU JUST NEVER KNOW
WHEN SOMETHING WONDERFUL
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
OH, WHEN LIFE IS GOOD
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER.
BUT ENOUGH JUBILATION.
I HAVE SOME GRIM
BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF.
I HAVE TO TELL ZELDA
IT'S ALL OVER BETWEEN US,
AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T
LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
- YES, DOBIE?
- ZELDA, FIRST I
WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING
YOU'VE DONE FOR ME.
YOU'VE BEEN
DEVOTED AND FAITHFUL.
- WHO IS SHE?
- WHO?
- THE GIRL YOU'RE
DUMPING ME FOR.
- OH, HER NAME IS
IMOGENE BURKHART.
SHE'S NEW IN TOWN.
- SHE'D HAVE TO BE TO
GET STUCK WITH YOU.
- I'LL OVERLOOK THAT, ZELDA.
I KNOW HOW SHOOK UP YOU MUST BE.
I MEAN, THE WAY YOU LOVE ME,
IT'S GOT TO BE A TERRIBLE BLOW,
BUT IT'S OVER, MY DEAR,
SO ISN'T IT BETTER
TO BREAK IT OFF
CLEAN AND HONEST?
- OH?
- ZELDA, IT WOULD
PLEASE ME VERY MUCH
IF WE COULD PART FRIENDS.
- OH?
- ZELDA, I KNEW
YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
- DOBIE, YOU'VE LEARNED A
LOT ABOUT CHICKENS LATELY.
HERE'S SOME FURTHER INFORMATION.
- YEAH.
- DON'T COUNT THEM
BEFORE THEY'RE HATCHED.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- NUMBER ONE, WE
ARE NOT FRIENDS.
NUMBER TWO, WE ARE NOT PARTING.
YOU'RE MINE, BUSTER,
AND THAT'S THE WAY
IT'S GOING TO STAY.
HELLO, MOTHER GILLIS.
- HELLO, ZELDA.
- HEY, I THOUGHT
YOU'D NEVER GET HERE.
WHERE'S DOBE?
- BUSY. NOW, LOOK, MAYNARD...
- ALL RIGHT. GIVE
THEM THE INJECTION.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. I
MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, SPOOK TIME.
- LISTEN, MAYNARD.
- I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, CREEPY.
LOOK AT THAT CHICKEN.
THE ONE WHO'S BEEN
GETTING THE MALE HORMONES.
LOOK HOW BIG HE'S GETTING.
I MEAN, LIKE, IT AIN'T NATURAL.
- MAYNARD, LOOK...
- SO MAKE IT FAST, LITTLE GIRL.
I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, I
DON'T LIKE IT HERE.
- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
LISTEN? I CAN'T STAY.
DOBIE'S IN TROUBLE.
YOUR BUDDY'S IN TROUBLE,
AND I'VE GOT TO MOVE FAST
IF I'M GOING TO SAVE HIM,
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO
GIVE HIM THE INJECTIONS.
YOU'LL DO IT, WON'T
YOU, MAYNARD?
FOR DOBIE, FOR YOUR BUDDY,
FOR THE BEST FRIEND
A MAN EVER HAD?
YOU'LL DO IT, WON'T YOU?
- NO.
- SURE YOU WILL.
- NO.
- SURE YOU WILL. NOW LOOK,
HERE ARE ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS.
YOU CAN DO IT,
MAYNARD. YOU HAVE TO.
- ZELDA.
- IT HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW,
OR THE WHOLE EXPERIMENT...
- NO. NO. NO.
I'M BROADCASTING, BUT
SHE'S NOT RECEIVING.
TAKE 2 CCs OF HORMONE
AND DISSOLVE IT IN...
2 CC?
WHAT'S A C?
PSST.
- OH, MAYNARD,
WHY, YOU SCARED
ME NEAR TO DEATH.
- YEAH. THAT'S WHAT
EVERYBODY SAYS.
- WELL, WHAT DID
YOU WANT, MAYNARD?
- WHAT'S A C?
- WHAT KIND OF A C?
- YOU KNOW, A C?
- YOU MEAN LIKE
THE MEDITERRANEAN
OR THE CASPIAN?
- NO. NO.
LIKE THE LETTER, A, B, C.
- OH, WELL, HOW IS IT USED?
- WELL, IF YOU'RE,
LIKE, MIXING SOMETHING
AND IT SAYS TAKES TWO
Cs OR A C, OR, LIKE, THAT.
- OH, YOU MEAN IN A RECIPE.
- YEAH. LIKE A RECIPE.
- WELL, IN A RECIPE,
C STANDS FOR A CUP.
- OH, WHAT AN AGE WE
LIVE IN. THANKS, MRS. GILLIS.
- OH, DOBIE, I NEVER MET
ANYBODY LIKE YOU BEFORE.
- FEW HAVE.
- YOU SAY THE CUTEST THINGS.
- YES. BUT THE
BEST IS YET TO COME.
I HAVE WRITTEN YOU A POEM.
- A POEM FOR ME?
- YES.
"IMOGENE, MY DARLING,
IMOGENE, MY LOVE,
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A STARLING,
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A DOVE.
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A SQUIRREL,
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A BEAVER.
"I'D EVEN LET YOU TAKE MY HEART
AND CHOP IT WITH A CLEAVER."
- VERY TOUCHING.
- ZELDA, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
- SO YOU'RE IMOGENE, HUH?
- WHO ARE YOU?
- ZELDA GILROY,
IMOGENE BURKHART.
- OH, YES. THE
LOOSE ARRANGEMENT.
- ZELDA, NO OFFENSE,
BUT THIS IS KIND OF PRIVATE.
- IMOGENE, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT THIS BOY?
- WHAT?
- WELL, WHAT DO I HAVE TO KNOW?
HE'S CUTE, HE'S
CHARMING, HE'S FUN.
- I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT
YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
NOW, HERE BEFORE YOU,
YOU HAVE A TRANSCRIPT
OF HIS GRADES
FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.
- GRADES?
- HIS LAST IQ TEST.
- NUMBERS ON A PAGE.
- HIS PERSONALITY PROFILE.
- A LOT OF GREAT PEOPLE
HAVE LOUSY PERSON...
- A RECORD OF HIS ATTENDANCE.
- AND I WAS SICK THAT SEMESTER.
- A SAMPLE OF HIS PENMANSHIP.
A PICTURE OF HIS FATHER.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?
- DOBIE GILLIS, YOU ARE...
WELL, THANK YOU, ZELDA.
THANK YOU FROM THE
BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
- I'M A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- A PICTURE OF MY FATHER?
THAT WAS A LOUSY THING TO DO.
- WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT DID THE LOUSY THING,
SNOWING THAT POOR
YOUNG INNOCENT GIRL.
- SHE WAS APE FOR ME.
- FOR HOW LONG?
SOONER OR LATER SHE
WAS BOUND TO FIND OUT
YOU'RE AN IDIOT. EVERYBODY DOES.
- THANKS A LOT.
- DOBIE, WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING?
NO GIRL WILL EVER BE
AS GOOD TO YOU AS I AM.
I LOVE YOU, AND I'LL
ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU.
EVENTUALLY YOU'LL LOVE
ME TOO, SO WHY FIGHT IT?
ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M THE
ONLY GIRL YOU CAN GET.
- ZELDA, IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, I
TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES,
THIS NOSE WRINKLING
IS JUST A REFLEX.
IT'S LIKE WHEN SOMEBODY YAWNS.
- WINNIE, YOU'VE
JUST GOT TO LISTEN.
- LATER, HERBERT,
I'M FILLING AN ORDER.
- NEVER MIND ABOUT THE ORDER.
NOW, ABOUT THAT
ROOSTER I KEEP HEARING.
- OH, DOBIE. WHAT'S THE MATTER,
DEAR? YOU DON'T LOOK WELL.
- I'M LOW, MOM.
- YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT HE IS, LIKE, LOW.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- YEAH. EVERYTHING.
- LET'S EAT SOME COOKIES,
MAYBE THAT'LL HELP.
- OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
- WE OWE IT TO
OURSELVES TO, LIKE, TRY.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
- STAY OUT OF THE
CHOCOLATE FINGERS.
STICK WITH THE BROKEN ONES.
WINNIE.
NOW, WINNIE,
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
ME RIGHT IN THE EYE
AND TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD THAT ROOSTER.
- UH-OH.
- YEAH. LIKE, UH-OH.
- ANSWER ME, WINNIE.
- CUSTOMER.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING, MRS. KENNY.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
- I SHOULD THINK SO,
THE WAY YOU OVERCHARGE ME.
- YOU'VE SEEN THOSE
CHICKENS LATELY?
- YESTERDAY, WHEN I GAVE THEM
THOSE TWO CUPS OF HORMONES.
- TWO WHAT?
- TWO CCs.
- OH, THANK HEAVEN.
FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT
YOU SAID TWO CUPS.
TWO CENTIMETERS
IS ABOUT THIS MUCH.
- YEAH, I KNOW. TWO
CUPS IS A LOT MORE.
- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?
- HOW MUCH ARE CARROTS?
- 12 CENTS A BUNCH.
- TWO FOR A QUARTER?
- WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP
PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO PUT SOMETHING
OVER ON MRS. KENNY.
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
NO ROOSTER, HUH?
WHAT DID THAT SOUND
LIKE, A PARAKEET?
AND HE'S RIGHT HERE IN MY STORE!
HE'S RIGHT BEHIND THAT DOOR!
[ ROOSTER CROWING]
[ WOMEN SCREAMING ]
- RIDICULOUS.
- BUT I SAW IT,
EVERYBODY SAW IT.
- PISH POSH.
- ALL RIGHT, SMART APPLE.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN IT?
- SIMPLEST THING IN THE WORLD,
MASS HYPNOSIS, VERY COMMON.
- YEAH? MAYNARD,
BRING IN WHAT YOU
FOUND IN THE BASEMENT.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪