The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 21 - Dobie Spreads a Rumor - full transcript

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,

BUT I'M REALLY A
PRETTY UNUSUAL GUY.

I MEAN, YOU TAKE LOTS
OF GUYS IN THEIR 20s

OR EVEN IN THEIR 30s,

THEY'RE STILL FLOUNDERING AROUND
LOOKING FOR THEIR LIFE'S WORK.

NOT ME.

I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS
WHAT MY LIFE'S WORK IS, GIRLS.

AND FOR YEARS I
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE

TO GET A GIRL.

THAT'S WHAT I MEANT WHEN I
SAID I WAS PRETTY UNUSUAL.

IT ISN'T EVERY DAY YOU
SEE A 17-YEAR-OLD FAILURE.



WELL, NOT ALTOGETHER A FAILURE.

THERE'S ZELDA GILROY.

SHE'S THE ONE GIRL...

GIRL, I USE THE TERM LOOSELY...

THAT I CAN GET.

- DOBIE, I'M YOURS.

- ZELDA, LET ME PUT THIS TO
YOU AS KINDLY AS POSSIBLE.

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL
GIRL, BUT YOU...

- JUST WAIT TILL I FILL OUT.

- WHO CAN LIVE SO LONG?

- WELL, DON'T WORRY.

THE WAY I'VE BEEN EATING LATELY,
IT COULD HAPPEN ANY MINUTE.

- ZELDA...
- COME ON, DOBE,

GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT.
- ZELDA, YOU'RE INTERRUPTING.

- I'M SORRY.
- OKAY. NOW, WHERE WAS I?

- YOU WERE SAYING
I WAS WONDERFUL.

- NO, ZELDA.
- AND I THINK YOU'RE WONDERFUL

TOO, DOBIE.
- ZELDA...

WILL YOU STOP THAT NOSE BIT?

- YOU DID IT RIGHT BACK.

- LOOK, I KEEP TELLING
YOU IT'S A REFLEX,

LIKE WHEN SOMEBODY YAWNS,

YOU YAWN TOO. WATCH.

- WELL?

- WELL, NORMAL PEOPLE DO.

NOW, CUT THAT OUT!
- OKAY, DOBIE.

- DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BE QUIET?

- I DON'T KNOW. I CAN TRY.

- WELL, TRY HARD.

NOW, AS I WAS SAYING,

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL GIRL,

LOADED WITH
PERSONALITY AND DRIVE,

AND I'M SURE
THERE'S LOTS OF GUYS

WHO WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU.

I CAN'T FOR THE
MOMENT THINK WHO,

BUT I'M SURE THERE'S LOTS.

- NAME THREE.
- WELL...

- NO, DOBIE, LET'S
STOP DREAMING.

I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY
THINK I'D BE CHASING YOU

IF ANYBODY ELSE WANTED ME?

I MEAN, ANYBODY.

BUT BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS,

AND IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU'RE IT, PAL.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU FACE FACTS,

YOU'D SEE THAT YOU HAVEN'T
GOT ANY CHOICE EITHER.

NOBODY'LL HAVE YOU BUT ME.

- ZELDA, I DON'T
WANT TO BE UNKIND,

BUT I NEVER SAW YOUR
PICTURE IN ANYBODY'S LOCKER.

- MY POINT EXACTLY.

YOU SEE, DOBIE,
THERE ARE TWO KINDS

OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD,

THE HAVES AND HAVE-NOTS.

YOU AND I ARE HAVE-NOTS.

SO LET'S AT LEAST
HAVE SOMETHING,

EACH OTHER.

- BUT I DON'T LOVE YOU.

- OF COURSE. WHAT'S TO LOVE?

BUT YOU WILL EVENTUALLY. I MEAN,

WHEN SOMETHING'S
YOURS YOU GOTTA LOVE IT.

- LOOK, I'VE GOT A
BUNION ON MY BIG TOE.

IT'S MINE, BUT I DON'T LOVE IT.

- ENOUGH CONVERSATION,

I GOTTA GET STARTED
ON MY FILLING OUT.

LET'S EAT.

- YOU KNOW I HAVE NO MONEY.

- THIS WON'T COST YOU A CENT.

- FREE FOOD?
- AND THE BEST IN TOWN.

- FREE?
- COME ON.

- FREE?

- ENOUGH BUTTER, OKAY?

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT
BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD,

YOU'VE GOT BUTTER ON YOUR MEAT,

YOU'VE GOT BUTTER
ON YOUR POTATOES,

YOU GOT BUTTER ON YOUR BUTTER.

DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE
BUTTER ON YOUR DRESS?

- SPEAKING OF DRESSES, DEAR...
- NO.

- BUT I NEED ONE.
- WHAT FOR?

- I HAVE TO GO DOWNTOWN
TOMORROW TO BUY SOME CLOTHES,

AND I HAVEN'T GOT
A THING TO WEAR.

- YOU'RE BUYING A DRESS
TO GO BUY DRESSES IN?

- OF COURSE, DEAR.
- NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

TOMORROW I'M GOING TO
THE CITIZEN'S NATIONAL BANK

TO BORROW $5,000.

I'M GOING LIKE THIS.

AM I FIRST GOING TO
THE HOUSEHOLD FINANCE

TO BORROW MONEY TO BUY A SUIT

TO GO TO THE BANK IN?

- ARE YOU, DEAR?

- NO.

- HELLO.
- WHO'S THAT?

- IT'S DOBIE GILLIS, DAD.

I BROUGHT HIM HOME TO DINNER.

DOBIE, TAKE MY PLACE.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU DO, DOBIE?

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- THAT IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED,

ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.

- WELL, DON'T WORRY, DAD,
DOBIE'S GOING TO MARRY ME.

- YEAH. I...
- SIT DOWN.

LOOK OUT FOR THAT ONE,
SHE'S ALL OVER WITH BUTTER.

- SIR?

- LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT,

YOU ARE NOT MOVING IN
WITH US. IS THAT CLEAR?

- I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.

- OKAY. YOU HAVE MY BLESSING.

HERE.
- BUT DEAR,

DON'T YOU THINK
ZELDA'S A LITTLE YOUNG

TO BE GETTING MARRIED?

- NO. ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS?

- SIR?

- WELL, WHERE ARE
THEY GOING TO LIVE?

- OH, I'VE GOT IT ALL
FIGURED OUT, MOM.

DOBIE'S DAD OWNS
A GROCERY STORE.

- OVER ON NINTH AND MAIN?
- UH-HUH.

I KNOW THE PLACE.

I KNOW THE OLD MAN TOO.

RED-HEADED GUY, KIND OF A NUT.

- THAT'S HIM.

- SO YOU'RE GOING IN
WITH OLD GILLIS, HUH?

- WELL, I FIGURE YOU
CAN'T STARVE TO DEATH

IN A GROCERY STORE.

- THAT'S SMART
THINKING, DAUGHTER.

WELL, AT LEAST I GOT ONE
WINNER OUT OF THIS LITTER.

- THANKS, DAD.

- OKAY.

NOW, WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE DOWRY.

- DAD, GIRLS GIVE THE DOWRY.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL
WAIVE THE DOWRY.

WHO CARES ABOUT MONEY ANYWAY?

LOVE'S ALL THAT
COUNTS, AND ZELDA,

IF YOU
AND THIS-THIS-THIS...
- DOBIE.

- THIS DOBIE LOVE EACH OTHER,

I AM PROUD TO WELCOME
HIM INTO THE FAMILY.

AND LET ME TAKE...

WHAT?

- HE WENT THAT WAY.

- ♪ NITA ♪

♪ JUANITA ♪

♪ BE MY OWN TRUE LOVE ♪

- HOW WONDERFUL.

- HOW DREAMY.
- HOW DIVOON.

- YES. IT WAS RATHER, WASN'T IT?

- OH, YOU GOTTA
BE KIDDING, DADDY.

MOVE OVER, MAKE
ROOM FOR SOME JAZZ.

- HEY, NOW...

- HEY, BIG DADDY.

- THAT CHATSWORTH OSBOURNE, JR.,

HE'S GOT ALL THE LUCK.
- WHAT LUCK?

HE AIN'T GOT LUCK,
HE'S GOT GIRLS.

- WHAT COULD BE LUCKIER?

- DOBE, I KEEP TELLING YOU,
GIRLS ARE, LIKE, NO GOOD.

- WHAT COULD BE BETTER?

- THEY SPEND YOUR MONEY.
- I DON'T HAVE ANY.

- AND THEY, LIKE, LIE TO YOU.
- I DON'T CARE.

- AND THEY HIT YOU.

- MAYBE YOU, NOT ME.

- FINE THING, EAT AND RUN,
AND OUT THE BACK DOOR YET.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, DOBIE?

- FINE. FINE, ZELDA.

MAYNARD, HELP ME UP.

MAYNARD, THE TELEPHONE BIT.

- AFFIRMATIVE.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

- OH, FINE, ZELDA. FINE.

NOW, CUT THAT OUT!

- [ PHONE RINGING ]

- HELLO?

- HELLO. IS ZELDA
GILROY, LIKE, THERE?

- WHO'S THIS?

- THIS IS DAD GILROY.
I'M, LIKE, HER FATHER.

- YOU SOUND A LITTLE
YOUNG TO BE A FATHER.

- YEAH, DON'T I?

DOWN AT THE LODGE
THEY CALL ME BOY FATHER.

COME ON, GET LOGGING,
MAN. GO FETCH A CHICK,

IT'S, LIKE, URGENT.
- OKAY, MAYNARD.

- ZELDA, ZELDA,
TELEPHONE FOR YOU.

HE SAYS HE'S YOUR FATHER.

- BUT DAD DOESN'T KNOW THAT I...
- IT MUST BE URGENT, ZELDA.

- THAT'S WHAT HE
SAID, LIKE, URGENT.

- YEAH.

THANKS.

- HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO, DAD?

HELLO?

- GOOD THINKING, DOBE.

- IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.

NO MATTER WHERE I GO,
THIS GIRL WILL FIND ME.

- YOU BET.

- OH, BOY, THAT ZELDA.

- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

- OH, BOY, THAT ZELDA.

- MAYNARD.

- I REALLY APPRECIATE THE WAY
YOU'RE WORKING AROUND HERE,

AND I ESPECIALLY APPRECIATE

HOW YOU WON'T TAKE
ANY MONEY FOR IT,

BUT DO YOU HAVE TO
CALL ME FATHER GILLIS?

- YOU BETTER GET USED
TO IT, FATHER GILLIS.

THAT BOY IS MINE. WATCH.

- ZELDA, DEAR...
- YES, MOTHER GILLIS.

- I KNOW HOW DEVOTED
YOU ARE TO DOBIE,

BUT ISN'T HE A LITTLE YOUNG

FOR ANY KIND OF
PERMANENT ARRANGEMENT?

- NONSENSE.

PHYSICALLY, HE'S AT HIS PEAK.

MENTALLY, HE'S ALREADY PAST IT.

HE DOES SEEM TO
GET A LITTLE DUMBER

EVERY DAY.
- OH, THAT HE DOES, DON'T HE.

- HERBERT.
- I'M SORRY, WINNIE.

ZELDA, MOTHER GILLIS... I MEAN,

MRS. GILLIS IS RIGHT.

I MEAN, YOU KIDS
ARE A LITTLE YOUNG

TO BE THINKING ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED.

I MEAN, HOW ARE
YOU GOING TO LIVE?

- I'VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED
OUT, FATHER GILLIS.

WE'RE MOVING IN WITH YOU.

- OH, NO. OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

A MAN WORKS AND SWEATS

AND SLAVES HIS WHOLE LIFE
FOR ONE THING, JUST ONE,

SO HIS KIDS WILL GROW
UP AND GET MARRIED

AND GET OUT OF THE
HOUSE AND GET OFF HIS BACK.

YOU ARE NOT
MOVING IN HERE, GIRL.

IN FACT, YOU ARE
LEAVING RIGHT NOW.

AND THAT GOES FOR
YOU TOO. OUT! OUT!

- WHEN WILL YOU GILLISES REALIZE

THAT DOBIE ONLY HAS
ONE CHANCE IN THIS WORLD,

AND THAT CHANCE IS ME.

YOU POOR, DEAR FOOLS.

- POOR ZELDA.

SHE'S SO WOUND UP.

WHY DOES DOBIE
HAVE TO GET INVOLVED

WITH A GIRL LIKE THAT?

WHY, HE COULD HAVE ANY GIRL.

- OH, YOU'RE SO RIGHT, WINNIE.

ALL OVER THE WORLD
THERE ARE MILLIONS OF GIRLS

JUST LOOKING FOR A GUY
WHO WON'T WORK, WON'T STUDY,

AND DON'T HAVE A
PENNY IN HIS POCKET.

OH, HE'S A GREAT
CATCH, THAT BOY.

JUST LIKE A CASE OF MUMPS.

- WHAT ARE YOU,
LIKE, THINKING, DOBE?

- I'M THINKING ABOUT
GIVING ZELDA A CONVERTIBLE.

- CRAZY. HEY, ARE YOU CRAZY?

- DO YOU THINK IF ZELDA
HAD A NEW CONVERTIBLE,

GUYS LIKE CHATSWORTH
OSBOURNE, JR.

WOULD GIVE HER A BIG RUSH?

- IF SHE HAD A CONVERTIBLE,
I WOULD MYSELF.

- SURE. NOW WHAT
ELSE WOULD MAKE A GIRL,

EVEN ZELDA GILROY,

ATTRACTIVE TO GUYS? GOT IT.

I'M GOING TO GIVE HER
A SWIMMING POOL TOO.

- DOBE, HOW YOU GONNA GIVE ZELDA

A SWIMMING POOL
AND A CONVERTIBLE?

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
GOING TO HELP ME.

- HEY, YOU CRAZY?

- WE'RE GONNA MAKE
ZELDA AN HEIRESS.

WE'RE GOING TO GIVE HER
OLD MAN A BIG FORTUNE

FROM SOME RICH
MILLIONAIRE UNCLE,

LIKE HIS UNCLE
MAX, REST HIS SOUL.

- WHAT UNCLE MAX?

- MAYNARD, WE'RE
GOING TO PLANT A RUMOR.

- A GENIUS.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, DOBE.

A TEA-TOTAL GENUINE GENIUS.

- YEAH. HEY, LOOK WHO'S COMING.

IT'S FATE.

HI CHATSWORTH.
- HI, AL, GIRLS.

- HEY, YOU FELLOWS
HEARD THE LATEST?

- QUIET, BLABBERMOUTH. I
THOUGHT WE WERE GOING

TO KEEP THIS TO OURSELVES.

- THAT WILL BE ALL, GIRLS.

- OH, HI, CHAPS,
WHAT IS THE LATEST?

WELL, WHAT, WHAT WHAT?

- WELL, I SUPPOSE IF YOU
PROMISE TO KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT.

- WELL, SURE.

[ WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

- NO, YOU'RE KIDDING.
OLD MAN GILROY?

- A MILLION DOLLARS?
- TAX-FREE.

- AND A BRAND NEW
SPORTY RED CONVERT.

- MAYBE SHE'LL BUY IT
FROM YOUR OLD MAN, AL.

IF SHE DON'T, LIKE,
PREFER FOREIGN CARS.

- AND A SWIMMING POOL?

- A BEAUTIFUL
KIDNEY-SHAPED POOL,

WITH UNDERWATER
LIGHTS, YES. UH-HUH.

- THEY'RE JUST MAKING IT UP.

- YEAH, SURE. THAT'S
RIGHT, FELLAS, A BIG JOKE.

BUT YOU WERE TOO
SMART FOR US, YEAH.

- SO IT IS TRUE.

- SKINNY ZELDA GILROY?

- AL, BABY,

YOU'RE SPEAKING
OF THE WOMAN I LOVE.

- YEAH. ME TOO.

- I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, DOBE.
- WELL...

- I MEAN, WHEN SOME FELLOWS
GET AN IDEA IN THEIR HEAD,

IT, LIKE, GOES ROUND
AND ROUND IN CIRCLES,

BUT WITH YOU IT'S DIFFERENT.
- I KNOW.

WHEN YOU GET AN
IDEA IN YOUR HEAD,

IT GOES RIGHT TO THE POINT.

- THANKS, MAYNARD, MORE OR LESS.

- YEAH, BUT THAT JUNIOR
OSBOURNE CAT'S, LIKE, LOADED.

WHY'D HE, LIKE, FLIP
WHEN WE TOLD HIM ZELDA

HIT PAY DIRT?
- AH, THAT WAS MY MASTER STROKE.

YOU SEE, MAYNARD, THE
REASON CHATSWORTH

IS SUDDENLY SO INTERESTED IN HER

IS BECAUSE NOW HE THINKS
THEY'VE BOTH GOT MONEY.

IT'S LIKE, WELL, WHO
DOES A MAN LIKE, SAY,

MR. VANDERBILT MARRY?

- MRS. VANDERBILT.

- I MEAN, WHO WAS SHE

BEFORE SHE WAS MRS. VANDERBILT?

- SAME CHICK.

- NO. NO. MAYNARD, FOLLOW ME.

NOW, PEOPLE WITH MONEY

SEARCH OUT OTHER
PEOPLE WITH MONEY.

THEY STAY IN THEIR OWN CLASS,

IN THEIR OWN SOCIAL
AND ECONOMIC GROUP.

- LIKE HORSES?

- HORSES?

- YEAH. TAKE A RICH BOY HORSE

THAT JUST WON THE
KENTUCKY DERBY.

YOU DON'T FIND HIM
HACKING AROUND

WITH SOME BROKEN-DOWN LADY HORSE

WHO'S BEEN SLOGGING
THROUGH LIFE WITH A MILK WAGON.

- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.

CRUDE, BUT RIGHT.

- AND CARS.
- NOW...

- THEM BIG HIGH-POWERED JOBS.

WOULD THEY BE CAUGHT DEAD

IN THE SAME SHOWROOM
WITH THE LOW-PRICED THREE?

- NO. NOW...
- YEAH. AND COWS.

WOULD A BLUE-BLOODED
HEIFER MINGLE SO...

- MAYNARD, PLEASE. ENOUGH.

ENOUGH.

NOW, THE MAIN THING
IS THAT A FELLOW

LIKE CHATSWORTH OSBOURNE, JR.

IS ALWAYS AFRAID GIRLS
ARE AFTER HIM FOR HIS MONEY.

BUT NOW HE FIGURES
HE'S GOT NO REASON

TO BE SCARED OF ZELDA.

- EVEN PIGS!

A PEDIGREED HOG...
- NOW, CUT THAT OUT!

- I MEAN, THE WHOLE PRINCIPLE
IS, LIKE, VERY OBVIOUS.

- MAYNARD, THANK YOU FOR
SHOWING ME THE BIG PICTURE.

- ANY TIME.

- NOW, LOOK.

CHATSWORTH WILL TAKE
ZELDA OFF MY HANDS

BECAUSE WE'RE WORKING
ON AN INFALLIBLE THEORY.

RICH ATTRACTS RICH.

- RICH ATTRACTS, LIKE, POOR TOO.

- TRUE.
- COME TO THINK OF IT,

RICH ATTRACTS, LIKE, EVERYBODY.

- COME TO THINK OF IT, I
JUST HOPE ZELDA ATTRACTS,

LIKE SOMEBODY, LIKE ANYBODY.
- LIKE ANYBODY.

- NO.

AND STOP PHONING ME HERE.

AND YOU STOP PESTERING
ME ON THE STREET.

IN SHORT, CHATSWORTH
OSBOURNE, JR.,

DROP DEAD.

- CHATSWORTH OSBOURNE, JR.?

LOOK, FIRST YOU TELL
OFF ALFRED WILSON,

WHOSE FATHER HAS THE
BIGGEST AUTO AGENCY

IN TOWN.

NOW, THE SON OF THE
PRESIDENT OF THE BANK

WHERE I'M TRYING
TO FLOAT A LOAN.

YOU GET ON THAT PHONE,

CALL HIM BACK,
TELL HIM YOU'LL DATE.

- I WILL NOT. I'M DOBIE'S GIRL.

- YOU GET ON THAT PHONE.

- [ PHONE RINGING ]

- IF THAT'S ANYONE BESIDES
MY DARLING DOBIE GILLIS,

YOU TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD.

- ZELDA, LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE.

THERE ARE SIX OF YOU.
YOU ARE THE OLDEST.

YOU HAVE GOT TO GO FIRST,

AND SOON, SO GET ON THAT PHONE!

- IT'S MINE.

- HELLO? YOU DOBIE GILLIS?

THEN DROP DEAD. WHO?

OH. OH!

DAD, IT'S FOR YOU,
IT'S FROM THE BANK.

MR. OSBOURNE, SR.

- IF THAT MR. OSBOURNE

TELLS YOU I HAVE
TO DATE HIS SON,

YOU TELL HIM I'LL RUN
AWAY FROM HOME FIRST.

- YES?

- HELLO THERE,
MR. GILROY, HOW ARE YOU?

- FINE, THANKS. HOW ARE
YOU, MR. OSBOURNE, SIR?

- ARE YOU VERY BUSY, SIR?
- WHAT?

- ARE YOU TOO BUSY TO
TALK ABOUT YOUR LOAN?

- NO. NO.

I DON'T MIND TALKING
ABOUT THE LOAN NOW.

- WELL, IF YOU COULD
SEE YOUR WAY CLEAR...

- WOULD YOU JUST
LET ME TAKE THE PHONE

INTO THE NEXT ROOM, PLEASE?
- WHAT AM I,

SOME KIND OF CHATTEL
OR SOMETHING?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO JUST SELL
ME LIKE SOME HORSE OR SOME COW.

- HIS SON WANTS TO DATE YOU,

AND HE WANTS TO GIVE
YOUR FATHER THAT BANK LOAN.

ALL OF A SUDDEN.

WHY?

WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN
DO SUCH STRANGE THINGS

HAPPEN TO US?

WHY WOULD CHATSWORTH
OSBOURNE, JR.

AND ALFRED WILSON
WANT TO DATE YOU?

- BECAUSE I'M
GORGEOUS, THAT'S WHY.

- STRANGE THINGS
HAVE BEEN HAPPENING

ALL DAY LONG.

IN THE MARKET, ON THE STREET,

IN THE LAUNDROMAT,

PEOPLE I HARDLY KNOW
STOP ME AND ASK ME

WHEN WE'RE GOING
TO PARIS. PARIS?

- WE ALL GOING TO
THE FUNERAL, MA,

OR JUST YOU AND DADDY?

- FUNERAL? WHOSE FUNERAL?

- UNCLE MAX'S.

- UNCLE MAX? WE DON'T
HAVE ANY UNCLE MAX.

- DADDY'S UNCLE MAX.

- WHY SURE. ALL
THE KIDS IN SCHOOL

SAY HE'S THE ONE THAT
LEFT US ALL THAT MONEY.

- WHAT MONEY? WHICH MONEY?

WE DON'T HAVE ANY UNCLE MAX.

- NOT ANYMORE. HE DIED.

- IN PARIS.
- FRANCE.

- YES. YES. I SURE WILL.

I'LL DROP IN ON YOU FIRST
THING TOMORROW MORNING, C.O.

- WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE?

IS EVERYBODY CRAZY,
OR IS IT JUST ME?

- IMAGINE. YOU KNOW, LAST
YEAR WHEN I ASKED FOR A LOAN,

HE PRACTICALLY THREW
ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

HE SAID ALL I HAD FOR ASSETS
ARE A LOT OF DAUGHTERS,

MOST OF THEM UNPAID FOR,

AND NOW HE IS BEGGING
ME TO TAKE TWICE AS MUCH.

I'M GOING TO ENLARGE THAT SHOP.

I'LL PUT IN THREE
OR FOUR LATHES,

WE'LL DOUBLE THE VOLUME.

RICH. WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH.

- YOU SOLD ME, YOUR
OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.

WHAT ARE WE, SOME KIND
OF SAVAGES IN THE JUNGLE?

IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO
DATE THAT CHATSWORTH DRIP

JUST BECAUSE HIS
FATHER GAVE YOU SOME...

- WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

- YOU TELL ME AND THEN TELL ME

WHEN WE ALL RUSH
OUT FOR PASSPORTS.

- PASSPORTS?

- WE'LL HAVE TO
BURY HIM, WON'T WE?

THE LEAST WE CAN DO AFTER
HE LEFT US ALL THAT MONEY.

- WHAT? I DON'T
HAVE THE MONEY YET.

I'M GOING TO SEE HIM
TOMORROW MORNING

TO DRAW UP THE PAPERS.

ANYHOW, WHY WOULD
I WANT TO BURY HIM?

- YOU NEVER TELL ME
ANYTHING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.

I NEVER EVEN KNEW
YOU HAD AN UNCLE.

POOR MAN.

- HUH?
- POOR UNCLE MAX.

- YOU'RE NOT GOING
WITHOUT US, ARE YOU?

- WHERE?
- TO THE FUNERAL.

- IN PARIS.
- FRANCE.

- IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO
LET YOU GO TO PARIS ALONE...

- HAVE YOU BEEN UNDER THAT
DRYER AT YOUR HAIRDRESSER'S AGAIN?

- WHAT'S MY HAIRDRESSER
GOT TO DO WITH...

- NOW, LOOK, AMY,
ONE OF THESE DAYS

YOU'RE GOING TO SIT
UNDER THAT DRYER TOO LONG

AND YOU'RE GOING TO BROIL
YOUR BRAINS FOR GOOD.

LATE UNCLE MAX?
WHOSE LATE UNCLE MAX?

- YOURS, THE ONE WHO JUST DIED.

- IN PARIS - FRANCE.

- AND LEFT YOU ALL THAT MONEY.

- ME? I DIDN'T
INHERIT ANY MONEY.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO...

- WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN TELLING PEOPLE?

- ABOUT WHAT?

- ABOUT UNCLE MAX, THAT'S WHAT.

- THEN YOU DO HAVE AN UNCLE MAX.

- I DO NOT HAVE AN UNCLE MAX.

I MEANT, WHAT HAS
SHE BEEN SAYING.

NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT KIND
OF AN IMAGINATION SHE'S GOT.

WHAT HAS SHE BEEN MAKING UP NOW?

- I HAVEN'T MADE UP ANYTHING.

I HAVEN'T SAID
ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

IT'S OTHER PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN SAYING THINGS TO ME.

NUTTY STUFF LIKE

LIKE I'M GETTING A NEW
CAR FOR MY NEXT BIRTHDAY,

OR I'M GOING TO EUROPE
TO FINISH FINISHING SCHOOL,

OR HOW SOON IS OUR SWIMMING
POOL GOING TO BE FINISHED?

- SWIMMING POOL.

- WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.

HOW LOVELY. WHEN DO WE BEGIN?

- WHAT?

- SWIMMING POOL.

- SWIMMING POOL.

- USING WHAT FOR MONEY?

- SWIMMING POOL.

- NOW, DON'T BE SILLY.

- WELL, IF WE
CAN'T GO TO PARIS...

- FRANCE.

- WHY CAN'T WE AT LEAST
HAVE A SWIMMING POOL?

- YEAH. WE COULD SWIM IN IT.

- THE WHOLE FAMILY COULD
ENJOY A SWIMMING POOL.

- I CANNOT AFFORD A POOL.

- BUT YOU'RE GETTING
A LOAN FROM THE BANK.

- THE LOAN IS FOR
THE SHOP, NOT A POOL.

- BUT DON'T YOU SEE, DEAR,
IT WOULD BE AN INVESTMENT.

- IN WHAT, WATER?

- IN YOUR DAUGHTERS' FUTURE.

WITH A POOL, THERE'D
ALWAYS BE PLENTY

OF BOYS AROUND.

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO KEEPS WORRYING

THEY'LL NEVER FIND HUSBANDS.

WELL, WHAT BETTER WAY
TO BRING MEN AROUND?

- NO.
- AND SOMEDAY,

WHEN THEY'RE ALL MARRIED,

THE POOL WILL STILL BE HERE,

AND YOU AND I CAN SWIM IN IT.

- NO.

- OH...
[ ALL CRYING ]

- OKAY. OKAY. A POOL.

SWIMMING POOL.

- HI MOM, DAD.
- LIKE, HI.

- HELLO, DEAR.
- WHAT WE GOT TO EAT, MOM?

- THERE ARE SANDWICHES UPSTAIRS.
- WHAT KIND?

- IF YOU DON'T LIKE
OUR SANDWICHES,

WHY DON'T YOU EAT AT HOME?

- OH, THEY'RE WORSE.

- THIS ONE HE KEEPS.

ZELDA, HE THREW BACK.

- ZELDA, WHAT ABOUT ZELDA?

- NOTHING, DEAR.

IT'S JUST THAT WE HAVEN'T
SEEN HER AROUND LATELY.

- OH, YEAH. YEAH.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

WE FOUND ZELDA
RATHER INTERESTING.

- A GREAT LITTLE GAL.

- ZELDA?

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU,

ARE YOU ALLERGIC OR
SOMETHING TO MONEY?

- OH, HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,
MAYNARD, THEY HEARD THE RUMOR.

- AIN'T THAT A GAS.
- WHAT RUMOR, DEAR?

- OH, ABOUT ZELDA'S
UNCLE MAX AND THE MONEY

AND THE SWIMMING
POOL AND ALL THAT.

- WELL, OF COURSE
WE'VE HEARD IT,

EVERYBODY'S HEARD IT.
- UH-HUH.

- THE SWIMMING POOL IS A RUMOR.
- SURE.

MAYNARD AND I MADE
THE WHOLE THING UP.

- DOBIE DID MOST OF IT.

- RUMOR.

TRUCKS HAVE BEEN GOING
BY HERE ALL DAY LONG.

- TRUCKS.
- DUMP TRUCKS,
LOADED WITH DIRT.

- FROM ZELDA'S HOUSE.

- WHERE THEY ARE
DIGGING A SWIMMING POOL.

- BUT WE MADE IT ALL UP.

- ABOUT UNCLE MAX AND LIKE THAT.

- WELL, MAKE UP AN UNCLE
MAX FOR ME, WILL YOU?

MAYBE HE'LL DROP DEAD
AND LEAVE ME A SUPERMARKET.

[ CAR HORN ]

- WELL, WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HELLO, ZELDA
DARLING. HOW ARE YOU?

- OH, YES, HOW ARE
YOU, ZELDA, DARLING?

- OH, SWELL.

- HELLO, MRS.
GILLIS, MR. GILLIS.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MRS. GILLIS?

THIS IS MOTHER
GILLIS, AND ME TOO.

I MEAN, I'M FATHER GILLIS.

- FATHER GILLIS?

- WHAT IS ALL THIS?

- SOME PRIVATE JOKE, I EXPECT.

OH, THIS IS MY FRIEND
CHATSWORTH OSBOURNE, JR.

- OH, MY GOODNESS,
WE KNOW CHATSWORTH.

- I CERTAINLY KNOW
HIS FATHER TOO.

IN FACT, I'M DOWN AT
THE BANK ALL THE TIME.

- YES. OVERDRAWN GILLIS.

- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, ZELDA?

- OH, PLEASE SEND
OVER SOME ROOT BEER,

GINGER ALE, MARSHMALLOWS,

FRANKFURTERS, BUNS,

AND WELL, YOU KNOW,
EVERYTHING FOR A SPLASH PARTY.

- JUST LEAVE IT
TO FATHER GILLIS.

- THANK YOU. THAT WILL BE ALL.

- OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU KNOW OUR SON.

- DOBIE?
- OH, YES. HELLO THERE.

- HELLO THERE?

THREE DAYS AGO YOU WERE GONNA

THROW YOURSELF
OFF THE BELL TOWER

IF DOBIE DIDN'T KISS YOU.

NOW IT'S HELLO THERE.

SINCE WHEN DID YOU GET SO BIG?
- SINCE UNCLE MAX.

- YOU AIN'T GOT AN UNCLE MAX.

- SO HOW COME I HAVE
A SWIMMING POOL?

- GOODBYE, CHAPS.

- OH, I GOT TO...
- KILL THAT BOY?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- ME TOO.

- I DON'T GET IT. DO YOU GET IT?

BECAUSE I DON'T GET IT.
- NO.

- ME NEITHER.

- WE MADE UP UNCLE MAX.
YOU WERE RIGHT THERE.

- DOBE, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE WE
REALLY MADE UP AN UNCLE MAX,

I MEAN, WE MADE UP AN
UNCLE MAX WHO REALLY WAS,

I MEAN, LIKE AN UNCLE MAX REALLY

OOH, I MEAN, LIKE THE
SCIENCE FICTION PICTURES,

YOU KNOW, WHERE THEY
LIKE IMAGINE SOMETHING

AND IT, LIKE, REALLY HAPPENS.

OOH, I'M GETTING, LIKE,
CHILLS. YOU KNOW, I MEAN...

- MAYNARD, I KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN, AND IT'S RIDICULOUS.

- OH, DON'T BE TOO SURE, DOBE.

THERE'S A LOT OF
THINGS IN THIS WORLD

THAT CAN'T BE EXPLAINED.
- MAYNARD.

- TAKE ELECTRICITY.
- I MAY TAKE ELECTRICITY LATER.

RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO
TAKE MY SWIMMING TRUNKS.

- WHERE?
- TO ZELDA'S POOL.

IF I MADE IT UP, I MAY
AS WELL SWIM IN IT.

- HI, ZELDA, CHATSWORTH, AL.

- WHEN DO WE GET
TO GO IN THE POOL?

- YEAH.
- WHEN WE GET ZELDA MARRIED OFF.

THEN YOU TWO WILL WAIT

TILL WE GET THOSE
TWO MARRIED OFF.

THEN WHEN WE GET
YOU TWO MARRIED OFF...

- SWIMMING POOL.

- 14, 15 YEARS YET.

- HI, MR. GILROY,
MRS. GILROY, KIDS.

YEAH, I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND, I THINK I'LL JUST CHANGE

INTO MY TRUNKS.

- WHERE DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING?

- SWIMMING. ZELDA INVITED ME.

- WHEN?

- WELL, GENERALLY, THAT IS.

YOU SEE, I'M DOBIE GILLIS.

HI, ZELDA. ZELDA.

I'M DOBIE GILLIS.

- OH, YEAH. TOUGH.

- I GUESS SHE DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE ME.

I'LL JUST GO TELL
HER AGAIN WHO I AM.

- HOLD IT!

- BUT I'M DOBIE GILLIS.

ZELDA WAS GOING TO
MARRY ME, REMEMBER?

- I REMEMBER GOOD.

NOW, LOOK, YOU WE COULD
GET WITHOUT A SWIMMING POOL.

WITH AN INVESTMENT
LIKE THIS, BUDDY,

WE ARE AFTER BIGGER GAME.

- YOU DO UNDERSTAND, DOBIE?

- YES, MA'AM. GOODBYE.

- WELL, LET'S SEE,

14, 15 YEARS UNTIL
THE BABY'S MARRIED,

THEN YOU AND I GET THE POOL.

A LONG TIME, BUT IT
AIN'T FOREVER, SO...

- DARLING, A LITTLE
MORE THAN 14 OR 15.

MAYBE 18 OR 19.

YES. THERE'S GOING TO
BE ANOTHER LITTLE GILROY.

- [ CHEERING ]

- I WONDER IF I'M TOO OLD

TO JOIN THE FRENCH
FOREIGN LEGION.

- HELLO, DOBIE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I LOVE YOU.

- OH, GO SWIM IN YOUR POOL
WITH CHATSWORTH OSBOURNE, JR.

- HAVEN'T GOT A POOL.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- OH, THEY FOUND OUT
IT WAS ALL A RUMOR

ABOUT UNCLE MAX AND THE MONEY,

AND THEY REPOSSESSED THE POOL.

- REPOSSESSED THE POOL?

ZELDA, HOW DO YOU
REPOSSESS A POOL?

- I DON'T KNOW.

ALL I KNOW IS I CAME
HOME FROM SCHOOL

AND IT WAS ALL GONE.

THE DIVING BOARD, THE WATER,

THE LIGHTS, THE TILE.
- THE TILE.

- EVERYTHING.

- SO IT'S YOU AND ME AGAIN, HUH?

- THAT'S RIGHT,
DOBIE, YOU AND ME.

- AND A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪