The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 20 - The Power of Positive Thinking - full transcript

Thalia has dumped Dobie for wealthy Chatsworth Osborne, Jr. It isn't because Chatsworth is rich, but because he can dominate her, which is what she wants in a man, and something she believes romantic, soft-hearted Dobie can never do. So when Dobie meets Professor Dobkin, Dobie believes he's found a way to win back Thalia. Professor Dobkin espouses the power one can obtain through harnessing the Earth's electromagnetic energy, that power which includes domination over anyone and anything. So for $2.99, Dobie buys the professor's book to use as his bible. What Dobie is unaware of is that the professor is a shyster and his theories a bunch of hokum. So when a series of events occur that Dobie believes was his doing through his new found power, including getting a date with Thalia, Dobie helps the professor spread the word, all at the professor's benefit of $3.99 a book. When Dobie learns the truth behind the professor, he also learns a little bit about the power within himself.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- THERE USED TO BE A LOT
OF PIGEONS IN THIS PARK.

NOW THERE'S ONLY ONE, ME.

I BEEN SITTING HERE TWO
HOURS WAITING FOR A GIRL,

THALIA MENNINGER. GIRL?

WHAT AM I SAYING?

SHE'S NOT A GIRL,
SHE'S A CASH REGISTER!

I'VE HAD IT! TWO HOURS IS LONG
ENOUGH TO WAIT FOR ANYBODY!

I'M GONNA GIVE HER JUST
EXACTLY ONE MORE HOUR!

IF SHE ISN'T HERE BY
THEN, I'M THROUGH!

- THERE HE IS, CHATSWORTH.

I'LL GET RID OF HIM IN A HURRY.



- SEE THAT YOU DO.

- YES, CHATSWORTH.

- QUICKLY. I HAVEN'T
GOT ALL DAY.

- THALIA, MY LOVE.
- DOBIE, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

- LATE? YOU'RE NOT
LATE. COME SIT DOWN.

- SOMETHING UNEXPECTED CAME UP.

- YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT. WELL,
NEVER MIND. COME SIT DOWN.

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU. I CAN'T.

- WELL, WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE I'M
GOING OUT WITH HIM.

- BUT YOU'VE GOT A DATE WITH ME!

- I KNOW, DOBIE, AND I
WOULDN'T DREAM OF BREAKING IT

IF IT WEREN'T FOR
SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

- LIKE WHAT?
- HIM.

- WHAT'S CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR. GOT THAT I HAVEN'T GOT?

- A CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.

- BUT HE'S TOO OLD FOR
YOU. HE'S 22 IF HE'S A DAY.

- OH, I KNOW, BUT
HE'S SO DOMINATING!

- YOU MEAN RICH.

- HOW MANY TIMES MUST I
TELL YOU THAT IT'S NOT MONEY

THAT REALLY COUNTS,
IT'S STRENGTH I WANT.

- I CAN LIFT MY OWN WEIGHT.

- I MEAN STRENGTH
OF PERSONALITY.

YOU SEE, MONEY
IS JUST A SYMPTOM,

BUT STRENGTH IS IT, YOU SEE?

AND IT'S A POSITIVE THINKING
AND POWER AND DOMINATION.

IN ANY RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN,

YOU SEE, ONE PARTNER
MUST DOMINATE.

NOW TELL THE TRUTH, DOBIE,
COULD YOU DOMINATE ME?

- WELL, I CERTAINLY
CAN. SIT DOWN!

SIT DOWN!

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN,
PLEASE, THALIA, BABY, HONEY?

- GOODBYE, DOBIE.

- HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
- NO.

- YOU'RE GOING WITH HIM, HUH?

- WELL, I CAN'T HELP
THAT HE'S DOMINATING.

- BUT HE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU!

FOOL, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT
WHEN YOU'RE 25, HE'LL BE 30?

- GOODBYE.
- ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE!

GOODBYE FOREVER!
THIS IS THE END!

- I'M SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.

- SORRY? A FAT LOT
OF GOOD THAT DOES.

- CAN I CALL YOU TONIGHT?

- CAN I CARRY YOUR RACKET?
- OH, VERY WELL.

- OH!
- GOOD RIDDANCE! GOOD RIDDANCE!

I'M BETTER OFF
WITHOUT YOU ANYHOW!

I NEED YOU LIKE I NEED...

OXYGEN, FOOD, WATER, LIFE.

- WE WON'T BE LONG, DOBIE.
WE'RE GOING DOWN TO THE BANK.

- YEAH, WE'RE GOING DOWN
TO THE BANK TO SIGN A NOTE

TO BORROW SOME MONEY
TO BUY A NEW TRUCK

SO I CAN GO OUT AND
DELIVER GROCERIES

THAT'LL MAKE THE LIVING TO
KEEP YOU STRONG AND HEALTHY

SO YOU CAN GO OUT
AND CHASE GIRLS

WHILE I GO OUT AND
DRIVE THE TRUCK.

HERE, PUT THIS ON.
- OH, I DON'T NEED IT, DAD.

- PUT ON THE APRON!

THIS ISN'T A LENDING
LIBRARY, YOU KNOW.

IT'S A GROCERY
STORE. NOW PUT IT ON!

- HE DOESN'T NEED TO PUT
ON THE APRON, HERBERT.

STOP BULLYING THE BOY!

- HE CAN PUT IT
ON FOR 15 MINUTES!

- OH, OKAY, DAD, IF
IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

- I DON'T ASK TO BE HAPPY.

ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU WAIT ON
ANY CUSTOMERS THAT COME IN

AND PUT THE MONEY IN THE CASH
REGISTER, WHICH REMINDS ME.

I'M LEAVING YOU FIVE
SINGLES AND $3 IN CHANGE.

- YOU'D THINK YOU DIDN'T
TRUST YOUR OWN SON!

- I'M TRUSTING HIM WITH $8.

I'M TRUST HIM, IF
HE MAKES A SALE,

TO RING IT UP ON
THE CASH REGISTER

AND, IF HE DON'T, I'LL BREAK
EVERY BONE IN HIS HEAD.

- NOW, HERBERT!

- "BLOW, BLOW, BLOW,
BLOW UP, SEA WINDS,

"ALONG PAUMANOK SHORE.

"I WAIT AND I WAIT TILL
YOU BLOW MY MATE TO ME.

"O, PAST, O, LIFE,
O, SONGS OF JOY,

"IN THE AIR, IN THE
WOODS, OVER FIELDS,

"LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

"BUT MY LOVE NO MORE,

NO MORE WITH ME, WE
TOGETHER NO MORE."

OH, THALIA, THALIA.

[ CLEARING THROAT ]

- OH, HI. HOMEWORK,

WALT WHITMAN. HE WAS A POET.

- "WHERE LILACS LAST IN
THE DOORYARD BLOOM."

- YOU LIKE HIM TOO?

- SUBLIME MASTER OF THE MUSE.
- ME TOO.

I THINK HE'S THE MOST!

- OH, I MOURN HIS PASSING.

HE WAS ONE OF MY
DEAREST FRIENDS.

- YOU'RE KIDDING!

YOU DON'T LOOK THAT OLD.

- DIET, MY BOY, AND EXERCISE

AND THE POWER OF
MAGNETIC THOUGHT.

- OH.
- PROFESSOR DOBKIN, MPS.

INITIALS STAND FOR MASTER OF
PARAPSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENCE.

I DO NOT BOAST. I MERELY
PRESENT MY CREDENTIALS.

- PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, PROFESSOR.

I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
- DOBIE GILLIS?

- UH-HUH.
- D-O-B-I-E?

CAPITAL D, ONE B,
CAPITAL G, TWO Ls AND AN S.

- YEAH.
- VERY GOOD!

CONGRATULATIONS, MY
BOY, A SPLENDID NAME!

- THANKS, BUT I DIDN'T PICK IT.

- FIVE CONSONANTS, SIX VOWELS,
A WONDERFUL COMBINATION.

- YEAH.
- BUT IF I MAY SUGGEST,

I WOULD ADD A CAPITAL
K, DOBIE K. GILLIS.

- WHAT FOR?

- YOU SEE, THE K IS
THE SYMBOLIC BALANCE

BETWEEN THE D AND THE G.
- OH.

- I EXPLAIN ALL
THIS IN MY LECTURE.

YOU'VE HEARD MY
LECTURE, OF COURSE.

- OH, NO, SIR, BUT I'D
SURE LIKE TO. WHEN IS IT?

- WELL, I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

YOU SEE, I HAVEN'T
BEEN ABLE TO FIND A HALL,

TEMPORARY LACK OF FUNDS,

JUST TEMPORARY, YOU UNDERSTAND.

- OH, WELL, I UNDERSTAND
LACK OF FUNDS, YES.

- BUT IN THE MEANTIME, YOU
COULD BE STUDYING MY BOOKS.

- WHAT BOOKS?

- IN THIS CASE, DOBIE K., I
HAVE THE WISDOM OF THE AGES.

- YEAH?

- BUT WISDOM, MY BOY, IS POWER.

POWER CAN BE EVIL
AS WELL AS GOOD.

HOW DO I KNOW THAT YOU
WOULDN'T USE THIS POWER

TO AMASS A FORTUNE FOR YOURSELF

OR SWAY TO YOUR WILL
THE MULTITUDES OF WOMEN

WHO COULD NOT RESIST
YOUR PERSONAL MAGNETISM?

- WOMEN? DOMINATE WOMEN?

GIRLS TOO?

- OH, GIRLS WOULD BE
YOUR ABJECT SLAVES.

- THE BRIEFCASE, PROFESSOR,
OPEN THE BRIEFCASE.

- THIS HANDSOME DELUXE
EDITION IN ALL-LEATHER BINDING,

TOGETHER WITH THE FREE
ENCYCLOPEDIA IN 10 VOLUMES,

IS PUBLISHED BY NONE
OTHER THAN THE SOCIETY

FOR THE PROMULGATION OF
PARAPSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENCE

AND TO THE COPYRIGHT
OF THE GOVERNMENT

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

IT SELLS REGULARLY FOR $187.50,

HARDLY THE COST OF PUBLICATION.

- WELL, I CAN SEE IT'S A
BARGAIN, PROFESSOR.

- WELL, DO YOU KNOW, DOBIE K.,

I WOULDN'T SELL YOU THIS SET,
NOT EVEN IF YOU BEGGED ME.

- NO? WHY NOT?
- AH, MY BOY,

YOU'RE NOT READY FOR IT.
- NO?

- BUT I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I WILL DO.

- WHAT? WHAT?
- IF YOU'LL PROMISE TO STUDY...

- OH, I PROMISE, I PROMISE!

- I WILL LET YOU HAVE VOLUME
ONE IN THIS PAPERBACK EDITION

FOR THE RIDICULOUS SUM OF $2?
- $2!

- AND 99 CENTS.
- YEAH, 99 CENTS.

HERE YOU ARE, PROFESSOR.

- THANK YOU, MY BOY, THANK YOU.

- "THE 10 GOLDEN
RULES TO SUCCESS."

WHERE'S THE PART
ABOUT THE WOMEN?

- IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK, MY
BOY. IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK.

- "THE EARTH IS A VAST
TERRESTRIAL MAGNET

PULSING WITH THE FORCES
OF COSMIC DERIVATION."

PROFESSOR, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND ONE WORD OF IT.

- IT'S ALL SO SIMPLE, DOBIE K.

WHAT IS THE POWER, MY
BOY, THAT TURNS THIS EARTH?

WHAT IS THAT VAST POWER?

DID I HEAR YOU SAY
ELECTRICAL MAGNETISM? RIGHT!

UNDER YOUR FEET ARE
VAST MAGNETIC CURRENTS.

NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
TO CONNECT YOUR PERSONALITY

WITH THAT VAST MAGNETIC POWER.

- OH, I'D LIKE TO.
HOW DO I DO THAT?

- SIMPLE, DOBIE K.
IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK.

NOW IN ORDER TO CONNECT YOURSELF
WITH THAT VAST MAGNETIC POWER

AND MAKE YOUR PERSONALITY

ABSOLUTELY, COSMICALLY
IRRESISTIBLE, DOBIE K. GILLIS,

BORN...
- DECEMBER 12th.

- DECEMBER THE 12th, MUST
STAND AT... LET ME SEE, YES.

AH, YES,

TWO DEGREES SOUTH OF NORTH
BY NORTHEAST, RIGHT THERE.

- YOU MEAN, I JUST STAND LIKE
THIS AND I CAN DOMINATE GIRLS?

- NO, NO, DOBIE K., YOU
MUST PLACE THE DOMINEE...

- DOMINEE?

- THE PERSON YOU'RE
GOING TO DOMINATE

IN THE RECEPTIVE
LISTENING POSITION.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- IN YOUR CASE, IT WOULD BE,

LET ME SEE, YOU WERE BORN WHEN?

- DECEMBER 12th.
- IN YOUR CASE,

IT WOULD BE, AH,
YES, LET ME SEE,

45 DEGREES SOUTH
BY NORTH, RIGHT HERE.

- YOU MEAN I CAN
DOMINATE YOU NOW?

- YES. I'M YOUR UTTER
SLAVE. COMMAND ME.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, JUST TELL ME TO DO
ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL.

- RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.

WOW!

- ANYTHING ELSE?

- RAISE YOUR LEFT HAND.

- OH, BOY!

WAIT'LL I GET THAT
THALIA MENNINGER.

- AREN'T YOU GOING TO
RELEASE ME, DOBIE K.?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH. PUT
'EM DOWN, PUT 'EM DOWN.

- BE CAREFUL HOW YOU USE
THAT MAGNETIC POWER, MY BOY.

- YOU SENT FOR ME, CHATSWORTH?
- YES.

I'M GLAD YOU MADE IT.

LOOK, WE'RE NOT
GOING OUT TONIGHT.

- WE HAD A DATE!

- LOOK, DON'T YOU HEAR WELL?

I SAID WE'RE NOT
GOING OUT TONIGHT.

- WHY?
- THALIA, BABY,

YOU WANTED A DOMINANT
MALE, DIDN'T YOU?

- YES.
- WHAT DOES A DOMINANT MALE DO?

- HE DOMINATES.
- THAT'S RIGHT. HE DOMINATES.

DOES HE APOLOGIZE?
- NO.

- DOES A DOMINANT MALE EXPLAIN?
- NO.

- DOES HE COME CRAWLING?
- NO.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S BEAR
THAT IN MIND, SHALL WE?

I DON'T EXPLAIN.

I DON'T APOLOGIZE AND
I DON'T COME CRAWLING.

I TOLD YOU WE WEREN'T
GOING OUT TONIGHT

AND THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

I'M A DOMINANT MALE, GOT IT?

- OH! OH, THE NERVE
OF SOME PEOPLE!

- STAND UP!

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT TONIGHT
WITH CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.!

- WELL, I KNOW THAT!

- YOU ARE GOING OUT WITH ME!
- ALL RIGHT!

- YOU MEAN, YOU WILL?
- I SAID I WOULD.

- WELL, WELL, WELL.

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND!

- BOY, ARE YOU KOOKY!

PICK ME UP AT SEVEN!

- I COULD HAVE MADE HER RAISE
HER RIGHT HAND IF I'D WANTED TO.

IT'S JUST... WELL, I
DON'T LIKE TO ABUSE

THIS NEW MAGNETIC POWER.

- OH, MY, YOU LOOK NICE, DEAR.

- THANKS, MOM. I'VE
GOT A DATE WITH THALIA.

- ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
- YES, IT IS.

- WONDERFUL? IT'S MARVELOUS.

YOU MAKE ME PROUD
AND HAPPY, SON.

AND TONIGHT WHILE
I'M IN THAT BACK ROOM

UNPACKING THAT LOAD
OF CANNED GOODS,

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I'LL
STOP AND I'LL SAY TO MYSELF,

MY SON HAS A DATE
WITH THALIA MENNINGER.

- NOW, DAD, YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU'RE MY KIND OF GUY.

- I'D LIKE TO BE
YOUR KIND OF GUY,

BUT SOMEBODY'S GOTTA
WORK AROUND HERE.

- AH, DOBIE K. GILLIS, JUST
THE MAN I WAS LOOKING FOR.

- YEAH, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU TOO, PROFESSOR.

THAT MAGNETIC POWER,
IT'S THE GREATEST.

- YOU MEAN YOU MADE IT WORK?

- I JUST GOT MYSELF A DATE
WITH THALIA MENNINGER, IS ALL.

- SPLENDID, SPLENDID!

WELL, IN THAT CASE, YOU'LL BE
READY TO PURCHASE VOLUME TWO.

- OH, I'M READY, PROFESSOR,
BUT I HAVEN'T ANY MONEY.

- NONE?
- NOT A PENNY, NO.

- OH, THAT'S RATHER
UNFORTUNATE. I WAS RATHER...

- BUT I'D SURE LIKE TO
COME TO YOUR LECTURE

AND LEARN SOME MORE
OF THIS MAGNETIC JAZZ.

SAY, HAVE YOU BOOKED A HALL YET?

- NOT YET, I'M AFRAID.

YOU SEE, I'M IN RATHER THE
SAME DIFFICULTY YOU ARE.

- OH, NO LOOT, HUH?

- OH, JUST TEMPORARY,
YOU UNDERSTAND.

- I UNDERSTAND GOOD.

- IF I COULD FIND A
HALL SOMEWHERE,

EVEN A SMALL ONE,
AND SET UP MY PITCH...

ARRANGE FOR MY LECTURE,
I'LL SOON BE ROLLING IN WEALTH.

- HEY, PROFESSOR, I WISH
I COULD HELP YOU, BUT...

- YOU CAN, DOBIE K., YOU CAN.
- HOW? JUST NAME IT.

- MAYBE YOU COULD
PERSUADE YOUR FATHER

TO LET ME HAVE HIS GROCERY
STORE TOMORROW NIGHT.

- I DON'T KNOW. HE DOESN'T
PERSUADE VERY EASY.

- THE GROCERY
STORE WOULD BE IDEAL.

YOU SEE, WE COULD
SERVE LITTLE SNACKS...

- SNACKS? MY
FATHER WILL KILL ME!

- DOBIE K., YOU OF
ALL PEOPLE KNOW

HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT I
SPREAD MY MESSAGE TO THE WORLD.

- YEAH, I KNOW.

- CAN'T YOU GET YOUR FATHER
OUT OF THE GROCERY STORE

JUST FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?

- WELL, HOW?

- WELL, GET HIM TO
GO TO THE MOVIES.

- OH, I DON'T...

SAY, MAYBE I COULD USE
MY NEW MAGNETIC POWER,

MAKE HIM GO TO THE
MOVIES. SURE, I CAN DO IT!

- I DON'T THINK I WOULD
IF I WERE YOU, DOBIE.

- DOBIE? DOBIE K.!

REMEMBER, I'M ATTUNED TO
THE GREATEST FORCE OF NATURE!

I CAN FEEL THE COSMIC ENERGY
COURSING THROUGH MY BODY!

PROFESSOR, MY FATHER WILL BE
AT THE MOVIES TOMORROW NIGHT.

COUNT ON IT!

- TAKE MY ADVICE AND HAVE
A LITTLE MORE EXPERIENCE!

READ VOLUME TWO!

I HOPE THERE'S A TRAIN OUT
OF TOWN TOMORROW NIGHT.

- WELL, ANOTHER
DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR.

WINNIE, LET'S YOU AND I GO
UPSTAIRS AND TAKE OFF OUR SHOES,

SIT DOWN AND WATCH
TELEVISION, HUH?

- NO.
- NO WHAT?

- NO TELEVISION.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH TELEVISION?

- THERE IS NOTHING
WRONG WITH TELEVISION,

BUT YOU AND I ARE
GOING OUT TONIGHT.

PEOPLE WHO STAY HOME
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT STAGNATE.

- YOU HAVE BEEN READING
THOSE WOMEN'S MAGAZINES AGAIN.

- NEVER YOU MIND
WHAT I'VE BEEN READING.

WE ARE GOING OUT TO
THE MOVIES TONIGHT.

- NOT ME, BABY.

I AM GOING UPSTAIRS
AND STAGNATE.

- HERBERT, I WONT LET YOU!

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT,

I AM GOING TO BROADEN
YOUR CULTURAL BASE!

- AT THE MOVIES?

- NO, I MEAN WE ARE GOING TO
THE MOVIES AND THAT'S FINAL.

- OKAY, OKAY, BUT
YOU DON'T ARGUE FAIR!

- DAD, TURN THIS WAY, WILL YOU?

- HEY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- WELL, I'M PUTTING
YOU IN THE SUSCEPTIBLE

LISTENING POSITION.
- WHAT?

- JUST A LITTLE
MORE TO THE RIGHT.

FINE. NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.

YOU ARE GOING TO
THE MOVIES TONIGHT.

- OKAY, I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES.

WILL EVERYBODY GET OFF MY BACK?

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

- WELCOME, EVERYBODY!

ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ABLE
TO PURCHASE THIS HANDSOME SET

FOR YOUR PERMANENT LIBRARY.

FOUR BOOKS PERSONALLY
AUTOGRAPHED BY THE AUTHOR!

- HEY, DOBIE, GOT ANY MORE
OF THESE POTATO CHIPS?

- OH, YES, MADAME.

- LET ME READ TO YOU
THE TABLE OF CONTENTS.

CHAPTER ONE, DIET AND EXERCISE

AND THE POWER OF
MAGNETIC THOUGHT.

TWO, LOVE, THE COSMIC INFLUENCE.

THREE, MEN, WOMEN AND... OH,

I SEE WE HAVE A
MIXED AUDIENCE HERE.

I WILL LEAVE YOU TO READ
THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

FOR YOURSELVES,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

- DOBIE, THE FIRST
ONES WERE SALTIER.

HAVEN'T YOU GOT
ANY OF THEM LEFT?

- YOU HAD TO BROADEN
MY CULTURAL BASE.

- BUT WHY LEAVE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE FEATURE?

- OH, SOME FEATURE. "THE MONSTER
WHO DEVOURED CLEVELAND."

- WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WAS, WELL, DIFFERENT.

- OH, IT WAS DIFFERENT.

THE MONSTER DEVOURED
CLEVELAND IN ONE GULP,

NOT SECTION BY SECTION
OR SUBURB BY SUBURB.

NO, HE ATE UP THE WHOLE
CITY IN ONE BIG MOUTHFUL!

- SO?

- OH, AND THOSE
KIDS IN THE AUDIENCE

SMOOCHING AND LOLLYGAGGING
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THAT WASN'T A
THEATER WE WERE IN.

THAT WAS THE TUNNEL OF LOVE!
- NOW, HERBERT.

- I DON'T HAVE THE
KEY TO UPSTAIRS.

WE'LL HAVE TO GO
THROUGH THE STORE.

AND WHEN THEY WEREN'T SMOOCHING,

THEY'RE EATING PEANUTS, POPCORN,
CHEWING GUM, POTATO CHIPS!

I FELT LIKE I WAS SITTING

IN THE MIDDLE OF A
DELICATESSEN COUNTER!

- WELL, THEY HAVE
A RIGHT TO EAT.

- ONLY AFTER YOU
HAVE FINISHED READING...

- CALM DOWN. IT'S ALL
RIGHT. DOBIE'S HERE.

- YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE, FOLKS,
BUT COME IN. YOU'RE WELCOME.

- DOBIE, GET RID OF
THESE FREELOADERS

AND THEN I'M GONNA
TAKE CARE OF YOU.

- NO, DAD.
- WHAT?

- DAD, DON'T MAKE ME PUT YOU

IN THE SUSCEPTIBLE
LISTENING POSITION!

- WHAT?
- DON'T MAKE A SCENE, DEAR.

THESE PEOPLE ARE OUR CUSTOMERS.

- HERBERT GILLIS,
YOU WILL BE QUIET.

YOU WILL LET THESE
PEOPLE STAY HERE

BECAUSE I, DOBIE K. GILLIS,

COMMAND YOU TO.
- PLEASE, HERBERT.

- OKAY, OKAY.
- GOOD.

- THIS FINE YOUNG MAN
WILL NOW PASS AMONG YOU.

IF YOU FEEL WEAK, DEBILITATED,
BADLY USED OR PUT UPON,

SIMPLY GIVE THIS YOUNG MAN...
- WOULD ANYONE CARE TO BUY

A COPY OF THIS SPLENDID BOOK?
- THE PALTRY SUM OF $3.99

AND THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS YOURS.

- READ IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
- MOM, BUY A BOOK, PLEASE.

PLEASE BUY A BOOK, "THE
POWER OF MAGNETIC THOUGHT,"

ONLY $3.99. PLEASE BUY IT, MOM.

- DON'T YOU DARE.
THIS IS A SWINDLE.

- PLEASE? OH, THANK YOU.

- WINNIE?

- THANK YOU, MADAM.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW HOW ABOUT THE
REST OF YOU LADIES?

YOU HUSBANDS? DOESN'T HAPPINESS

MEAN MORE TO YOU THAN THE
INSIGNIFICANT SUM OF $3.99?

LADIES, WHAT CAN
YOU BUY FOR $3.99?

COLD CREAM? FACE POWDER?

LIPSTICK? AH, FOOLISH LADIES.

IN THIS BOOK, YOU WILL FIND THE
BEAUTY SECRETS OF CLEOPATRA,

THE SIREN OF THE NILE.

CLEOPATRA DIDN'T HAVE
A BEAUTY SHOP TO GO TO,

YET SHE KNEW HOW TO REDUCE THE
MIGHTY CAESAR TO HELPLESS IDIOCY

AND MAKE THE GREAT MARC
ANTHONY HER DEVOTED SLAVE.

AND HOW ABOUT YOU
GENTLEMEN, YOU PALE, PUNY MEN?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
INCREASE YOUR VITALITY?

WIN NEW FRIENDS?
FIND BETTER JOBS?

GET RID OF THOSE POT BELLIES?

ALL FOR THE
INSIGNIFICANT SUM OF $3.99.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

GET YOUR COPY NOW!

- IT WAS SHEER GENIUS,
DOBIE K. NEVER IN MY LIFE

HAVE I SEEN SUCH A
DEMONSTRATION OF MAGNETIC POWER.

- NOW LISTEN, YOU
OLD FRAUD, YOU!

- DAD! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- YOU SHUT UP!

I DIDN'T MIND IT SO MUCH WHEN
YOU WERE JUST AN ORDINARY BUM,

BUT NOW YOU'RE A SWINDLER TOO!

- SWINDLER!

WHY, MAGNETIC POWER IS A FORCE
THAT RULES THE WORLD ITSELF!

HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT A
DATE WITH THALIA LAST NIGHT?

NOT ONLY LAST
NIGHT, BUT TONIGHT,

TOMORROW NIGHT AND
THE NIGHT AFTER THAT?

AND HOW DO YOU THINK I
GOT YOU TO GO TO THE MOVIES?

- I DON'T KNOW YOU GOT
THE DATE WITH THALIA,

CHLOROFORM, PROBABLY,

BUT YOU DID NOT GET ME TO GO
TO THE MOVIES. YOUR MOTHER DID!

- NO, NO, NO, DAD.

I PUT YOU IN THE SUSCEPTIBLE
LISTENING POSITION.

- NO, DEAR.

GETTING YOUR FATHER TO
GO TO THE MOVIES WAS MY IDEA.

IT WAS ALL ARRANGED
BEFORE YOU CAME IN.

- IT WAS?

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

- HELLO? YEAH, HE'S HERE.
IT'S FOR YOU, SVENGALI!

- HELLO?
- HELLO, DOBIE? THALIA.

I'M NOT GOING TO GO OUT
WITH YOU THIS EVENING.

- BUT YOU PROMISED!

- I KNOW, BUT
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

JUST DROPPED IN.
- OH.

- SO I WON'T BE
SEEING YOU TONIGHT.

- OH.
- OR TOMORROW NIGHT

OR THE NEXT NIGHT
OR THE NEXT NIGHT.

- CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.?

- I'M SORRY, DOBIE,
BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

HE'S A DOMINANT MALE!
- YEAH.

PROFESSOR, ALL THAT STUFF
ABOUT MAGNETIC POWER,

IT'S NOT TRUE, IS IT?

- ALL RIGHT, TELL HIM!

- YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT, DOBIE K.

IT'S A FAKE, ALL
OF IT. I'M SORRY.

- THANKS A LOT.

- MY BOOK'S A FAKE,
DOBIE K., BUT YOU ARE NOT.

FORGET ALL THAT NONSENSE
ABOUT MAGNETIC FORCES.

YOUR POWER IS IN YOURSELF.
I SAW IT AT WORK TONIGHT.

BELIEVE ME, SON,
SINCERITY LIKE YOURS

DOESN'T COME ALONG VERY OFTEN.

THAT'S YOUR POWER, DOBIE
K., THE TRUTH INSIDE OF YOU.

- JUST A MINUTE. WHAT
ARE YOU SELLING NOW?

- I'M NOT SELLING
ANYTHING! I'M BUYING!

I'M BUYING WISDOM FROM
THIS BEARDLESS YOUTH!

NOW YOU TAUGHT ME A
LESSON TONIGHT, SON.

YOU TAUGHT YOURSELF ONE TOO.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
AND THE WORLD IS YOURS!

- WELL, MAYBE YOU
GOT SOMETHING THERE.

- I'VE GOT EVERYTHING THERE.

YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU
WANT IN THIS LIFE, DOBIE,

BECAUSE YOU'RE TRUE
AND LOYAL AND HONEST.

HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF, MY BOY.

TRUTH IS THE GREATEST
POWER OF ALL AND YOU'VE GOT IT!

NEVER DOUBT IT, DOBIE, NEVER.
- YEAH.

- ♪ JUANITA ♪

BE MY OWN TRUE LOVE ♪

- OH, THAT WAS JUST
GREAT, CHATSWORTH.

SING ANOTHER SONG.

- IF I FEEL LIKE IT.
- DO YOU?

- OH, YES, I BELIEVE I DO.
- GOOD.

- FOR MY NEXT NUMBER, I WILL
DO "LORD JEFFREY AMHERST."

IT'S AN IVY LEAGUE
SONG, YOU KNOW.

- OH, CHATSWORTH.
- BE QUIET. I'M ABOUT TO SING.

♪ OH, LORD JEFFREY AMHERST
WAS A SOLDIER OF THE KING ♪

♪ AND HE CAME FROM
ACROSS THE SEA ♪

- YOU!
- ME?

- OUT!
- MY DEAR YOUNG LOUT,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
- I'M SAYING OUT!

- OH, THIS IS SO
EXCITING! GO AHEAD.

- ARE YOU LOOKING
FOR A FIGHT HERE?

- DO YOU WANNA
FIGHT? I'LL FIGHT.

OH, I KNOW YOU'RE
INTERCOLLEGIATE BOXING CHAMP

AND I KNOW YOU'LL KNOCK ME DOWN.

BUT EACH TIME YOU KNOCK ME DOWN,

I'LL GET RIGHT UP AND TAKE
ANOTHER SWING AT YOU.

AND FINALLY YOU'LL GET
TIRED KNOCKING ME DOWN

AND THEN I'LL KNOCK
YOU DOWN BECAUSE...

AND HEAR ME GOOD,
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,

THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD

TO BEAT A MAN WHO
DOESN'T CARE IF YOU KILL HIM!

AND I DON'T CARE, BECAUSE
IF I CAN'T HAVE THALIA,

I'D JUST AS SOON BE DEAD!

SO COME ON! LET'S FIGHT!

- WELL, I THINK NOT, DOBIE.
- GET OUT!

- JUST ONE MOMENT, PLEASE?

ARE YOU SURE YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- OUT!
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, I'M LEAVING.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE
SURE THAT YOU'RE SURE.

- ABOUT WHAT?
- ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

I'M FIGHTING FOR
THE WOMAN I LOVE!

- YES, THAT'S FINE AND
VERY NOBLE, I'M SURE.

BUT IN ORDER TO HAVE THIS
WOMAN, YOU MUST DOMINATE HER.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN?
- 'COURSE I CAN!

- NOW STOP, GILLIS.
STOP AND LOOK.

IS THIS AN ORDINARY GIRL?

- NO.
- SHE CERTAINLY ISN'T.

- NO.
- SHE'S A HARD-HEAD.

- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
- OH, HUSH UP.

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

THIS GIRL, AS I SAID,
IS A HARD-HEAD.

IN FACT, I'D SAY SHE'S ONE
OF THE TRULY HARD-HEADS

OF OUR GENERATION.

CAN YOU DENY THAT?
- NO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
SORT OF AGREE WITH YOU.

- NOW IN ORDER TO DOMINATE
A HEAD AS HARD AS THALIA'S,

YOU MUST HAVE EVEN A HARDER HEAD

AND, NO OFFENSE, GILLIS, BUT
YOUR HEAD IS A LITTLE SOFT.

- IT IS?
- IN FACT, A LITTLE SPONGY.

- IT IS?

- NOW THE TROUBLE
WITH YOU, GILLIS,

IS THAT YOU'RE
BASICALLY A DECENT SORT,

COLORLESS BUT DECENT.

SIMPLE, GOOD, HONEST.

- THANKS, CHATSWORTH.
I APPRECIATE THAT.

- WELL, DON'T.
- DON'T WHAT?

- DON'T APPRECIATE IT.
I'M GIVING YOU BAD NEWS.

YOU'RE A NICE GUY, GILLIS,

AND NICE GUYS FINISH LAST.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- I MEAN, AND LET'S
NOT SPLIT HAIRS,

THALIA IS A RAT.

- YEAH, YEAH, SHE IS.

- SHE CERTAINLY IS.
- UH-HM.

- AND IN ORDER TO DOMINATE HER,

YOU'VE GOT TO BE EVEN
A BIGGER RAT, LIKE ME.

THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING
YOU IN ALL SINCERITY

LEAVE, GILLIS, LEAVE, RUN, FLEE,

ESCAPE BEFORE THIS
MONSTER GRINDS YOU UP.

- CHATSWORTH, I THANK
YOU FOR YOUR GOOD ADVICE,

WHICH I AM NOT TAKING.

- SHE'S A MONSTER.

- YES, SHE IS. SHE'S A
MONSTROUS MONSTER,

BUT I HAVE HEART
AND TRUST AND FAITH

AND I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND I
BELIEVE I CAN DOMINATE THALIA!

AND IF I BELIEVE I
CAN, BY GEORGE, I CAN!

SO TAKE YOUR MANDOLIN
AND GET OUTTA HERE!

- UKULELE!
- OUT!

- DOBIE, YOU ARE SO DOMINANT!

- AND YOU'RE SO ROTTEN!

LISTEN, IF YOU WANNA BE MY GIRL,

YOU'D BETTER MEND YOUR
WAYS BECAUSE I'M DECENT

AND LOYAL AND TRUE

AND I'M NOT WASTING
MY TIME WITH ANYBODY

WHO ISN'T WORTHY OF ME!

- YES, DOBIE, DARLING DOBIE.

- ALSO I'M THIRSTY!

- MY DOMINANT MAN, I'LL GO
MAKE YOU SOME LEMONADE.

- AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT!
- OKAY.

- WINNIE!

NEW DRESS, A NEW DRESS
EVERY SIX OR EIGHT MONTHS,

A NEW DRESS.

OH, COME HERE.

STAND OVER THERE, WINNIE, THERE.

YOU ARE NOW IN THE
SUSCEPTIBLE LISTENING POSITION.

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND!

RAISE YOUR LEFT HAND!

RAISE BOTH... NO.

I AM NOW COMPLETELY
DOMINATING YOU,

AIN'T I?
- YES.

- YOU ARE COMPLETELY
WITHIN MY POWER, AREN'T YOU?

-YES.

- YOU DO NOT WANT A NEW DRESS!

- NO!
- OKAY.

- I GOT ONE YESTERDAY.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪