The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 12 - Deck the Halls - full transcript
Herbert T. Gillis finds himself in jail on Christmas Eve after being stripped of his holiday spirit and driven to desperation by his family and customers.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SO WHY AIN'T I MERRY?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
BECAUSE OF ALL THE
TIMES OF THE YEAR,
CHRISTMAS IS THE
TIME WHEN A FAMILY
SHOULD BE AT HOME TOGETHER.
WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING
TO BE AT HOME TOGETHER.
I'M AT HOME, MOM'S AT HOME,
MY BROTHER, DAVEY'S
AT HOME, BUT DAD ISN'T.
♪ DON WE NOW OUR
GAY APPAREL, FA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
- GET OUT OF HERE, ALL OF YOU!
GET OUT!
- HEY, SHUT UP!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
LOUSE UP THE CHRISTMAS DAY DINNER?
- DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
- DINNER?
- CHRISTMAS!
- YOU SAID IT.
- I'LL BITE MY TONGUE OUT.
- GOOD,
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING
TO LOUSE UP THOSE PEOPLE
BRINGING OVER THAT
TURKEY DINNER TOMORROW.
- I DON'T WANT A TURKEY
DINNER TOMORROW.
- WELL, I DO.
WHY DO YOU THINK I
GET MYSELF ARRESTED
ON A CHRISTMAS EVE?
IT AIN'T EASY TO GET
ARRESTED ON A CHRISTMAS EVE.
- KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YOU?
- ALL I CAN SAY IS I WENT TO
A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR THIS,
SO DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING
TO LOUSE IT UP OR I'LL...
- HMM, YOU...
- WHAT?
- YOU...
- WHAT?
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HERE, HERE.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I SAW YOU, GILLIS.
YOU WERE OUT OF YOUR CELL.
NOW, WASN'T IT
NICE? COME ON NOW.
WHY DON'T YOU STAY OUT?
- GO AWAY.
- GILLIS, BE REASONABLE.
WE'VE BEEN
REASONABLE, HAVEN'T WE?
ANSWER ME THAT. HAVEN'T
WE BEEN REASONABLE?
- I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
I AM STAYING IN HERE
UNTIL CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
- GILLIS, FOR THE LAST
TIME, WE'LL TAKE YOU HOME.
I'LL TAKE YOU HOME IN MY
OWN CAR, THE OFFICIAL ONE.
I'LL EVEN LET YOU
BLOW THE SIREN.
GILLIS, PLEASE, LET
US TAKE YOU OUT.
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
THIS MAN'S GOT ME
HALF OUT OF MY MIND.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE'S GOT
THE WHOLE CITY ADMINISTRATION
HALF OUT OF ITS MIND.
- IF THE CITY ADMINISTRATION
HAD HALF A MIND TO GET OUT OF,
I WOULDN'T BE IN HERE,
BUT I'M IN HERE,
AND HERE I STAY.
- HEY, THIS GUY'S
GOING TO DO US OUT
OF A CHRISTMAS DINNER.
- CHIEF.
- OH, JUDGE, I'M
GLAD YOU GOT HERE.
I'M AFRAID THIS GILLIS
HAS GOT US LICKED.
- HE MAY HAVE US ALL LICKED.
"THE DAILY NEWS" IS
WRITING A STORY ABOUT ME,
CALLING ME THE
WORLD'S MEANEST JUDGE
BECAUSE I THREW GILLIS
IN JAIL ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
- BUT GILLIS DESERVED IT.
"THE DAILY NEWS" IS
JUST PLAYING POLITICS.
- YEAH? THE KIND OF POLITICS
THAT CAN GET US OUT
OF OFFICE NEXT ELECTION.
NOW, LOOK, LET ME HANDLE GILLIS.
I'M GOING TO TAKE
CARE OF HIM, SEE.
I'LL GET DOWN ON BOTH
KNEES TO HIM, IF I HAVE TO.
NICE SINGING, FOLKS.
- ♪ AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING ♪
- KEEP IT UP. COME ON.
HELLO, MR. GILLIS.
- GOOD NIGHT, JUDGE.
- GLAD TO SEE
YOU'RE IN A BETTER
HUMOR TODAY, MR. GILLIS.
- DON'T KID YOURSELF
ABOUT MY HUMOR.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU FEEL, STAY MAD.
THAT'S YOUR PRIVILEGE,
BUT I'M NOT GOING
TO GET MAD. NO, SIREE.
I SAID IF THAT'S
THE WAY YOU FEEL...
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
- VOTERS, VOTERS.
- OH, NO, NO, NO,
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
SING DECK THE BOUGHS...
GILLIS, YOU'RE A BAD
INFLUENCE ON THIS JAIL.
- WANT TO ADD TEN
DAYS TO MY SENTENCE?
- YOU HAVE NO
SENTENCE. I'M REVOKING IT.
- I'M REVOKING YOUR REVOKING.
- IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU'RE IN CONTEMPT OF COURT.
- I'M NOT IN COURT.
- BUT I AM THE COURT!
- I AM IN CONTEMPT.
- GILLIS, BE REASONABLE.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. YOU'RE
NOT REALLY MAD AT ME.
- OH, NO?
- OR THE CHIEF HERE?
- HMM?
- NO.
- YOU'RE REALLY
MAD AT CHRISTMAS.
- NO.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- I AM NOT MAD AT CHRISTMAS.
I AM MAD AT PEOPLE.
- PEOPLE?
- PEOPLE AT CHRISTMAS.
- YES, YES, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.
I'LL ADMIT THAT WHEN YOU CAME
INTO MY COURT YESTERDAY
A LITTLE MAD AT
PEOPLE AT CHRISTMAS,
WELL, I WAS A LITTLE MAD AT
PEOPLE AT CHRISTMAS, TOO,
AND I DEALT WITH
YOU A LITTLE SEVERELY,
A LITTLE TOO SEVERELY.
- HMM.
- I WAS WRONG.
THERE, I'VE SAID IT.
- THANK YOU, JUDGE.
- GOOD.
I'M GLAD IT'S ALL OVER.
WE'LL JUST FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.
- YOU FORGET THE WHOLE
THING. I'LL STAY HERE.
- BUT, GILLIS, YOU
CAN'T STAY HERE
IN THIS BARE CELL TILL
CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
WHY, WHY, THINK OF YOUR FAMILY.
- I AM.
- GOOD.
- THAT'S WHY I'M STAYING HERE.
- DON'T BLAME DAD
FOR HIS ATTITUDE.
THE FAMILY WAS ONE
OF THE BIG CAUSES
OF HIS GOING TO JAIL,
AND I DID MY PART
ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT,
MY MOTHER WARMED HIM UP FOR ME.
- HERBERT, YOU HAVE JUST
GOT TO HELP ME DECIDE
ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
- LOOK, CHRISTMAS IS BAD ENOUGH
WHAT WITH THE CUSTOMERS
I HAVE TO PUT WITH
LET ALONE MY WIFE WHO
I HAVE TO PUT WITH, TOO.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, WINNIE.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN,
BUT COMES CHRISTMAS, BLIP,
YOU FLIP JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE.
NOW, PLEASE, AGAIN,
PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ME
WITH THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
DID YOU HEAR
WHAT I SAID, WINNIE?
- OF COURSE, DEAR.
HERBERT, YOU HAVE JUST
GOT TO HELP ME DECIDE
ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
- OH, MY.
- WE HAVE TO GET THE CARDS OUT.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS.
- BOY, AND IS IT CHRISTMAS.
THAT'S THE EXCUSE
FOR EVERYTHING.
EVERYBODY GOES NUTS.
AND WHY IT'S OKAY?
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
- OH, YOU. YOU JUST LOVE
TO ACT LIKE SCROOGE.
- WHO'S ACTING?
- LISTEN, HERBERT,
I HAVE TO ASK YOU
ABOUT THE JORGENSONS.
- YOU ASKED ME ABOUT THE
JORGENSONS YESTERDAY.
- I DID? WHAT DID I
ASK YOU ABOUT THEM?
- YOU ASKED ME WHETHER
WE SHOULD SEND THEM
A CHRISTMAS CARD.
- REALLY? AND WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- I DON'T REMEMBER.
- YOU SAID THEY OWE
US A THREE MONTHS' BILL.
- ALL RIGHT. SO
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
- BUT DID YOU SAY
TO SEND THEM A CARD
OR NOT TO SEND THEM A CARD?
- I SAID NOT TO
SEND THEM A CARD.
- OH. ALL RIGHT.
BUT THEN IF WE SENT THEM ONE,
IT MIGHT REMIND
THEM ABOUT THE BILL.
- THEN SEND THEM ONE.
- MAKE THEM FEEL GUILTY.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- DOES THAT MEAN YES OR NO?
- I SAID SEND THEM A CARD!
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
BUT THEN THREE MONTHS
IS AN AWFULLY LONG
TIME FOR THEM TO OWE US.
GOODNESS, THEY MIGHT
THINK WE DIDN'T MIND.
- THEN DON'T SEND THEM ONE.
- OKAY, OKAY.
BUT THEN, HERBERT,
IT IS CHRISTMAS.
- THEN SEND THEM ONE!
- GOODNESS, I ONLY
SAID IT'S CHRISTMAS.
- I KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS!
AND HOW DO I KNOW
IT'S CHRISTMAS?
BECAUSE MY WIFE CAN'T SEND OUT
ONE CHRISTMAS CARD
WITHOUT CALLING A TOP
SUMMIT CONFERENCE.
- AND OLD MRS. MULLER
COMES IN HERE FOUR TIMES A DAY
AND GETS THE SAME THINGS
SHE GETS ALL YEAR ROUND,
BUT NOW, THEY ARE
PRESENTS FOR PEOPLE,
AND WILL I PLEASE
GIFT WRAP THEM?
AND WHY?
BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET
FREE CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER!
- OH, I DON'T THINK MRS.
MULLER WOULD DO THAT.
- OH, YOU DON'T.
THIS IS A SALAMI.
MRS. MULLER BUYS A SALAMI
EVERY WEEK OF THE YEAR,
BUT THIS WEEK,
IT'S A PRESENT FOR HER
SISTER-IN-LAW IN DETROIT
AND WILL I PLEASE GIFT WRAP IT?
- HERE, LET ME.
- SHE WAS IN HERE
A LITTLE WHILE AGO
AND WANTED A CAN OF
SARDINES GIFT WRAPPED
FOR HER NEPHEW'S BOY IN PHOENIX.
- HERE, PUT YOUR FINGER.
- THERE.
NOW, WE CAN GET
STARTED CHECKING.
- GOOD.
- THE CHRISTMAS CARD LISTS.
- YEAH, MOM DIDN'T
HELP DAD'S TEMPER ANY,
BUT LET'S BE HONEST.
NEITHER DID I.
- YES, IT'S ME, DAD,
READY, WILLING
AND ABLE, YES, SIR.
NOW, DON'T THANK
ME. NO, NOT YET, DAD.
WAIT'LL I PUT IN A
FULL DAY'S WORK,
AND DON'T THANK ME EVEN
THEN. IT'S JUST MY DUTY.
AFTER ALL, THERE'S NO SCHOOL.
I SHOULD HELP OUT.
- LISTEN, YOU'RE
UP TO SOMETHING.
YOU'RE UP... THE
STAMP, THE STAMP,
THE STAMP IS STUCK, THE STAMP.
- OH, HERE, LET ME, DAD.
- PHEW, OOH!
- THAT'S FUNNY.
I DON'T SEE HOW IT COULD
STICK TO A MOIST SURFACE.
- MY TONGUE HAPPENS
TO BE A DRY SURFACE.
I'VE LICKED OVER
2,000 OF THOSE THINGS.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S
SOMETHING I CAN DO.
[ HUMS ]
- ALL RIGHT, BOY.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- HUH?
- YOU ARE MY SON,
A TALL, STRONG, HEALTHY,
ALL-AMERICAN BOY
AND AS LAZY AS A HOUND
DOG IN POSSUM SEASON,
SO ANY TIME I SEE YOU IN
THIS STORE WEARING AN APRON
AND READY TO GO TO
WORK, I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- AW, DAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
- SPEAKING OF
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS...
- NOBODY WAS.
- I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO GET MAYNARD.
- HMM, I HAVE A SUGGESTION,
BUT HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO HANG A BATH
ON A CHRISTMAS TREE?
- AH. [ LAUGHTER ]
- NO, SERIOUSLY, DAD.
WHAT'S REALLY BUGGING
ME IS WHAT TO GET MOM.
WHAT ARE YOU GIVING HER?
- WELL, I HAVEN'T
MADE UP MY MIND YET.
I WAS THINKING OF GETTING
HER A WASHING MACHINE,
BUT I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO GET HER A DRYER.
- A CLOTHES DRYER?
- YEAH, SHE NEEDS THAT
MORE THAN SHE DOES
A WASHING MACHINE. AFTER
ALL, HER SCRUB BOARD'S
ONLY SIX MONTHS OLD.
- DAD, LISTEN.
- DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, BOY.
I REMEMBER DISTINCTLY I
GOT IT FOR HER LAST AUGUST
FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
- DAD, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND WOMEN.
- TRUE, AN UNDERSTATEMENT
BUT BASICALLY TRUE.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
A LITTLE ABOUT THEM
OR YOU WOULDN'T
BE STANDING THERE.
- WELL, I JUST MEANT YOU
OUGHT TO GET HER SOMETHING,
WELL, TO REMIND
HER SHE'S A WOMAN.
- HMM, I HAVE WAYS.
- YOU KNOW, I MEANT
GET HER SOMETHING GAY,
GLAMOROUS, FRIVOLOUS.
- I ALREADY DID. YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
- SERIOUSLY, NOW, DAD.
- WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST?
- GET HER SOMETHING,
SAY, FROM PARIS.
- UH-HUH. WELL, IF THE FRENCH
HAPPEN TO MAKE A
GOOD CLOTHES DRYER,
I'LL BUY IT FOR HER.
- OH, SPEAKING OF PRESENTS
FOR WOMEN REMINDS ME...
- NO, YOU DON'T.
- IT'S $5. I NEED IT.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE UP TO.
- YOU'LL RUIN MY ROMANCE.
I PROMISED MY GIRL.
YOU'D HAVE GIVEN TO ME
EVENTUALLY ANYWAY, DAD.
- NOT UNTIL CHRISTMAS
MORNING. OKAY.
IF YOU WANT IT NOW, TAKE IT,
BUT MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- AW, DAD. I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE JUST A
WARM-HEARTED, GENEROUS,
AFFECTIONATE SOFTY.
- YEAH, AND YOU'RE
JUST CONSISTENT,
A BUM, BUT A CONSISTENT BUM.
CAN'T YOU JUST PRETEND
TO WORK A LITTLE?
- OH, I'D LOVE TO, DAD,
BUT I'VE GOT TO GO
TO THE POST OFFICE
AND ORDER MY GIRL'S PRESENT.
- THE POST OFFICE? WHAT
ARE YOU GIVING HER, STAMPS?
- NO, I'M GIVING HER A
HOME STUDY COURSE
IN BATON TWIRLING.
- WHAT?
- IT COMES IN THE MAIL.
IT TEACHES HER ALL
ABOUT BATON TWIRLING.
- YOU HAD THE
NERVE TO CRITICIZE ME
AND THE PRESENT I WAS
GOING TO GIVE YOUR MOTHER,
AND YOU ARE GOING
TO GIVE SOME GIRL
A HOME COURSE IN BATON TWIRLING?
- BUT IT'S WHAT SHE WANTS.
- WELL, A DRYER IS WHAT
YOUR MOTHER WANTS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT!
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG.
- OH, THERE ISN'T?
I'VE SEEN THOSE DRUM MAJORETTES
WITH THEIR SHORTS UP TO THERE.
- WELL, THAT'S NOTHING.
- HM, IT'S PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
- BUT I PROMISED HER.
I'M ONLY MAKING
THE FIRST PAYMENT.
I PROMISED.
THIS IS THE ONLY GIRL
I EVER REALLY LOVED.
YOU MAY BE RUINING
THE WHOLE FUTURE
OF SHE WHO MAY BECOME
YOUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
- THAT DOES IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE
ANY BATON TWIRLER
FOR A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
OKAY. OKAY.
BUT WHEN THEY STRAP
YOU IN THAT JACKET,
DON'T TELL THEM I'M YOUR FATHER.
- BYE, DAD.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
- HMM, I GOTTA KILL
THAT BOY. I JUST GOTTA.
- WELL, THAT WAS
MY CONTRIBUTION,
I'M SORRY TO SAY,
AND ON TOP OF ME,
MY BROTHER, DAVEY,
HOME FROM COLLEGE, HE
REALLY GAVE DAD A SHOCK.
- YOU MEAN YOU DON'T
WANT ANY CHRISTMAS MONEY?
- THAT'S RIGHT, DAD,
NOT A SINGLE RED CENT.
I DON'T HAVE A GIRL
TO GIVE A PRESENT TO,
AND I'M SPENDING
MY WHOLE VACATION
WITH RANDY MACON.
- RANDY MACON, IS THAT THE
MACONS OF MACON FALLS?
- YES, OLD DAD.
WE GO FIRST CLASS.
- YEAH, YOU MEET SOME
PRETTY FANCY GUYS
UP THERE AT COLLEGE.
- NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR THE SON
OF HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
WON'T NEED DOUGH UP THERE.
THOSE PEOPLE GOT MONEY
THEY HAVEN'T EVEN COUNTED YET.
- THOSE OLD BIG DOLLARS...
- THE ESTATE, THE MILL,
THE FOUNDRY, THE WHOLE TOWN.
- NO COACH FLIGHTS,
STRICTLY EXTRA FARE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR ARM?
- DAD, THAT'S THE WAY
WE WEAR 'EM AT COLLEGE.
- OH, WELL, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
OUGHT TO HAVE A COUPLE BUCKS
IN YOUR POCKET ANYWAY?
- WHAT FOR, DAD? THEY
WON'T LET ME SPEND A DIME.
- OH, YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, DAVEY,
AND A COMFORT TO
YOUR OLD MAN, HUH?
- WELL, MAYBE I OUGHT TO HAVE
A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO TIP THE SERVANTS.
- SURE, HOW ABOUT
THREE, FOUR BUCKS?
- 50.
- YEAH, YOU GOT
TO TIP THE... 50?
- YEAH, THE BUTLER,
THE CHAUFFEUR,
THE UPSTAIRS MAID.
- $50!
- DAD, YOU DON'T
WANT PEOPLE SAYING
THE SON OF HERBERT T. GILLIS
IS CHINTZY?
- LET THEM SAY, LET THEM SAY!
$50 FOR TIPS?
- LIKE I SAID, THE BUTLER,
THE CHAUFFEUR, THE...
- I KNOW, THE ATTIC
MAID, THE CELLAR MAID,
THE DOORMAN, THE STABLE BOY.
YOU SURE THEY DON'T HAVE THEIR
OWN PRIVATE CHIMNEY SWEEP?
- AH. [ LAUGHS ] FUNNY, DAD.
- NOT $50 FUNNY.
- OH, DAD, I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A
GENEROUS, WARM-HEARTED,
AFFECTIONATE OLD SOFTY.
- YEAH, AND I'VE
HEARD THAT, TOO.
OKAY.
HERE, FROM YOUR
GENEROUS, WARM-HEARTED,
AFFECTIONATE OLD
SOFTY SOFT-HEADED DAD.
[ LAUGHS ]
- AH, THANK YOU, DAD.
- INCIDENTALLY,
IF THAT BUTLER GETS OUT
OF LINE, GIVE ME A CALL.
FOR TIPS LIKE THAT, I'LL
BUTTLE ALL OVER THE JOINT.
[ LAUGHS ]
- YOU KILL ME.
- I COULD ALWAYS
SWEAR HE ASKED ME TO.
- WELL, THAT WAS THE
FAMILY'S CONTRIBUTION
TO DAD'S MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THAT'S NOT ALL.
HIS LOYAL REGULAR CUSTOMERS
PITCHED IN AND HELPED, TOO.
YOU WANT SOME CUSTOMERS?
YOU WANT OLD MRS. MULLER,
THE CHRISTMAS
WRAPPING PAPER THIEF?
OR MRS. NICHOLS,
THE FRUIT PINCHER?
MRS. SEDELITZ, THE CANDY TASTER
OR MAYBE MRS. DOW
WHO SENDS HER KID WITH
A LIST AND THE MONEY,
ALWAYS 10 CENTS SHORT
AND HAS YET TO PAY UP.
OR MRS. KENNY.
- OHHH.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT EXACTLY.
- I'M SORRY IT TOOK
SO LONG, MRS. KENNY,
BUT THE WHOLESALER DIDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING LIKE IT IN STOCK,
AND I HAD TO HAVE
IT MADE SPECIAL.
- OH, THANK YOU
SO MUCH, MR. GILLIS.
YOU KNOW, CHARLES
WILL BE SO PLEASED.
- YOUR LITTLE BOY?
- NO, MY HUSBAND.
- YOUR HUSBAND? OH, HE'S
GOING TO GIVE IT TO THE KIDS, HUH?
- THIS IS FOR CHARLES.
YOU SEE, I GOT HIM
ONE 32 YEARS AGO
FOR OUR FIRST MARRIED CHRISTMAS,
AND THIS'LL BE SUCH
A NICE SURPRISE.
OH, I THINK IT WAS
SO SWEET OF YOU
TO GO TO ALL THAT TROUBLE.
- OH, GLAD TO DO
IT, AND HERE IT IS.
- NO, NO, NO, I
CAN'T HIDE A THING
AROUND THAT HOUSE
AT CHRISTMASTIME.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
KIDS WILL SNOOP OUT ANYTHING.
- NO, CHARLES.
- YOUR HUSBAND?
- YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY,
I ALWAYS SAY THAT A MAN
IS JUST A FAT, BALD BOY,
SO YOU KEEP THE CANE AND
DELIVER IT ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
BUT YOU BETTER
MAKE IT AFTER 11:00.
- AFTER 11:00 AT NIGHT
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
- CHARLES ALWAYS STAYS
UP FOR THE LATE NEWS.
- ALL RIGHT, MRS. KENNY,
AND I'LL JUST PUT
THE $3 ON YOUR BILL.
- $3?
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT COST ME.
- $3?
WHY, I DIDN'T PAY MORE
THAN A DOLLAR AND A HALF
FOR THE OTHER ONE.
- BUT THAT WAS 30 YEARS AGO.
- 32.
- HONEST, I'M NOT
MAKING A PENNY.
- I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T PAY $3
FOR A SILLY THING LIKE THAT.
- WELL, THEY WON'T TAKE IT BACK.
- WELL, IT'S GOING TO
SPOIL MY ENTIRE CHRISTMAS.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO DO THAT.
- WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH IT?
- SELL IT - TO WHO?
- ANYBODY WOULD WANT
A NICE THING LIKE THAT
FOR A DOLLAR AND A HALF.
- NO, MRS. KENNY,
IT'S YOURS FOR FREE
AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
THAT'S WONDERFUL! FREE!
[ LAUGHS ]
- AND YOU'LL DELIVER
IT, OF COURSE.
- AFTER 11:00 CHRISTMAS EVE.
IT'LL BE A PLEASURE.
- YOU KNOW, I THINK THE WRAPPING
COULD BE NICER.
- WELL, THAT'S PEOPLE.
SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME WONDER
IF I REALLY WANT TO
GROW UP AND BE ONE.
DAD SAYS A SMALL
BUSINESS ISN'T CALLED SMALL
BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNT
OF BUSINESS YOU DO
BUT BECAUSE OF THE
PEOPLE YOU DO IT WITH.
- THANK YOU AND CALL AGAIN,
AND HONEST, THAT
SCALE WAS CHECKED
JUST YESTERDAY MORNING.
- LIKE, HI.
LIKE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- LIKE, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
WHAT DO YOU WANT, MAYNARD?
- THIS IS MY DAD'S
CHRISTMAS PRESENT,
AND I WANT TO HIDE IT
HERE SO HE WON'T FIND IT.
- HIDE IT? FROM
THE WAY IT SMELLS,
YOU OUGHT TO BURY IT.
- I GOT IT AT THE
ARMY SURPLUS STORE.
MY DAD LIKES HUNTING
AND FISHING UP AT THE LAKE,
AND I GOT A GOOD BUY.
- HMM. WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S ONE OF THOSE
SELF-INFLATING
RUBBER LIFE RAFTS.
YOU KNOW, WHEN A PLANE,
LIKE, WENT DOWN AT SEA
THEY THREW THIS OUT,
PULLED THE CORD AND... OOH,
MY DAD WILL LOVE IT, 4.95.
WILL YOU HIDE IT
FOR ME, LIKE, PLEASE?
- I BETTER, LIKE,
HIDE IT OR THE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT WILL BE, LIKE, AFTER ME.
- THANKS.
OH, I GOT TO WARN
YOU ABOUT ONE THING...
- HELP! MAYNARD, YOU...
- YEAH. THAT'S THE THING.
- WELL, YOU'D THINK THAT'D
BE ENOUGH TO FLIP ANYBODY,
BUT DAD BORE UP BRAVELY, FINELY
AT LEAST UNTIL MRS. LAPPING.
- OH, HELLO, MRS. LAPPING.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
I GOT A RUSH ORDER
TO GET OUT HERE.
I PROMISED TO
FILL IT RIGHT AWAY.
- WELL, IT SEEMS THE
CUSTOMER WHO'S HERE
SHOULD GET THE CONSIDERATION
OF ONE WHO ASKED YOU TO DELIVER.
- ALL RIGHT, MRS. LAPPING.
IS THERE SOMETHING I
CAN GET YOU RIGHT AWAY?
WHAT IS IT?
- MY COUSIN PEARL.
- HUH?
- MY COUSIN PEARL,
YOU SHOULD KNOW HER.
SHE VISITED ME ONCE IN '45.
- OH, YEAH, IT'S VERY
NICE. WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?
- PEARL'S SICK.
- OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME
SOUP? SOUP WOULD BE NICE.
- NO, SHE ISN'T SICK THERE.
IT'S BACK HERE AND
AROUND IN THERE.
SHE'S DOCTORING, BUT IT DON'T
SEEM TO DO HER ANY GOOD.
THE DOCTORS SAYS IT'S
NEUROLOGY, BUT I KNOW BETTER.
- YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I
COULD BE FILLING THIS ORDER
WHILE YOU TELL ME
ALL ABOUT IT, HUH?
- WELL, YOU'D BETTER PUT
THIS TURKEY IN THE FREEZER.
IT MIGHT SPOIL. I THAWED IT.
- TURKEY?
- MM-HM.
I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- YEAH, LAST JUNE
WHEN I HAD A SPECIAL
PRICE ON THEM.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEARL?
- ITS BACK?
- I KNEW YOU WEREN'T LISTENING.
PEARL HAS THIS BACK CONDITION,
AND SHE WANTS TO GO WITH
ADAM AND DRIVE UP TO SELLERSVILLE
AND PICK UP MY SISTER, OPAL.
SHE'S MARRIED TO A DUMFREY.
- I KNOW, MRS. LAPPING, BUT...
- ADAM'S PEARL'S BROTHER.
HE NEVER MARRIED, AND
SHE NEVER MARRIED, EITHER.
- I SEE.
- AND THAT'S WHAT'S
WRONG WITH HER BACK.
- I KNOW.
- SHE'S ALWAYS WAITING
ON THAT MAN HAND AND FOOT.
HE'S SO LAZY.
WHY, HE WOULDN'T
TURN HIS HAND A MIGHT.
- I KNOW, MRS. LAPPING, BUT...
- AND THAT'S WHY I'M
RETURNING THE TURKEY.
- AND THAT'S WHAT I
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- WON'T LISTEN, WILL YOU?
BECAUSE OF PEARL'S
BACK CONDITION,
THEY ARE NOT COMING TO MY
HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER.
WE ARE GOING THERE.
- BUT YOU CAN'T
RE-FREEZE A TURKEY.
- I KNOW THAT.
THAT'S WHY I'M RETURNING IT.
- BUT I CAN'T
RE-FREEZE IT, EITHER.
- I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- I KNOW YOU DID,
AND YOU PAID FOR
IT, AND IT IS YOURS.
- I JUST RETURNED IT.
- WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH IT?
- IT'S YOUR TURKEY.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- WELL, YOU COULD
SELL IT TO SOMEBODY.
- NO, I CAN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN. IF YOU
WERE MORE COOPERATIVE,
PEOPLE WOULD COME IN AND...
- WHAT I MEAN IS THAT EVERYBODY
ALREADY HAS THEIR TURKEY.
- IS THAT MY FAULT?
- IS COUSIN PEARL'S
BACK MY FAULT?
- IT'S ADAM'S FAULT.
I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
YOU JUST WON'T LISTEN, WILL YOU?
- I...
- I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, MRS.
LAPPING. ALL RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW YOU CAN SELL IT EASY.
- MAYBE, MAYBE.
- YOU'VE KNOWN THAT ALL ALONG.
- 18 AND 3/4.
AND THE PRICE LAST JUNE
WAS 49 CENTS A POUND.
- HERE, HERE IT
IS, ALL FIGURED UP.
- YEAH. HEY, JUST A MINUTE.
YOU'VE GOT THIS FIGURED
AT 69 CENTS A POUND.
- THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE NOW,
BUT THEY WERE 49 IN JUNE.
- I CAN TAKE YOU OUTSIDE
AND SHOW YOU A
SIGN IN YOUR WINDOW
THAT SAYS "TURKEYS
69 CENTS A POUND."
- THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE NOW.
- WELL, NOW IS WHEN
I'M RETURNING IT.
- BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO
GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU PAID.
- I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- FOR 49 CENTS A POUND,
AND YOU CAN'T EXPECT
ME TO GIVE YOU 69.
- WELL, I'VE BEEN KEEPING
IT IN MY REFRIGERATOR
ALL THIS TIME.
- I KNOW, MRS. LAPPING.
- AND WITH ALL THAT ELECTRICITY.
- YES, MRS. LAPPING.
- AND YOU WILL SELL IT FOR 69,
WANTING TO GIVE ME 49
YOU'RE WHILE SELLING IT
FOR 69, MAKING TWO PROFITS.
- TWO PROFITS?
- AND AT CHRISTMASTIME, TOO.
- WHA...?
- THIS IS THE TIME OF THE YEAR
WHEN EVERYONE
SHOULD BE THEIR KINDEST.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
GIVE ME MY MONEY!
♪ FA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY
- 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
- ♪ TRA, LA, LA, LA... ♪
- CHRISTMAS CARDS,
BATON TWIRLING
DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS, LIFE RAFTS,
$50 FOR TIPS
FOR THE SERVANTS,
GIFT-WRAPPED SALAMI
AND LAST YEAR'S TURKEYS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
- NO, NO, NO, NO!
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
- POLICE, POLICE,
POLICE, HELP, HELP,
POLICE, POLICE, HELP!
- GILLIS, I DON'T CARE WHAT
THEY PUT IN THE PAPERS.
I'M TIRED OF BABYING YOU AROUND.
IF YOU HAD KEPT YOUR MOUTH
SHUT IN COURT YESTERDAY,
THE CHARGES AGAINST YOU
WOULD'VE BEEN DROPPED,
BUT NO, NO, YOU HAD
TO BE A LOUD MOUTH.
WELL, THE JUDGE WAS RIGHT
WHEN HE SENTENCED YOU
FOR CONTEMPT.
- THANK YOU.
- AND NOW YOU'RE BEING STUBBORN.
YOU'RE GOING TO STAY HERE
IN THIS JAIL TILL
CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
WELL, I'M GLAD.
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE
OUT WITH DECENT PEOPLE
ON CHRISTMAS.
- MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY,
AND I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO
AT 11:00 CHRISTMAS
EVE. GOOD NIGHT, SIR.
- HERBERT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
- HEY, I DIDN'T WANT YOU ALL
COMING DOWN TO
A PLACE LIKE THIS.
- WE BROUGHT YOU
CHRISTMAS DINNER, DAD.
- YEAH, AND A TREE.
- NATURALLY WE'RE ALL GOING
TO SPEND CHRISTMAS TOGETHER
NO MATTER WHERE.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO TO A DANCE TONIGHT.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
UP IN MACON FALLS?
- THEY GAVE ALL THAT UP
TO HELP ME IN THE STORE.
- HELP YOU IN THE STORE?
- YES.
[ LAUGHS ]
- LET'S GO HOME.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS, HUH?
- YEAH.
- HEY, LISTEN, LISTEN.
- ♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
- CHRISTMAS CAROLERS, SHOULD
WE INVITE THEM IN FOR COFFEE?
- YES.
- YEAH.
- YES.
- OKAY.
- ♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO
BE JOLLY, FA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ DON WE NOW OUR
GAY APPAREL, FA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ SING AN ANCIENT
CHRISTMAS CAROL ♪
♪ FA, LA, LA, LA,
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
- COME ON IN.
- COME ON IN AND HAVE A COFFEE.
- WE'RE ALL TOGETHER,
SO IT'S GOING TO BE A
MERRY CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL.
AND THE SAME TO YOU.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SO WHY AIN'T I MERRY?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
BECAUSE OF ALL THE
TIMES OF THE YEAR,
CHRISTMAS IS THE
TIME WHEN A FAMILY
SHOULD BE AT HOME TOGETHER.
WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING
TO BE AT HOME TOGETHER.
I'M AT HOME, MOM'S AT HOME,
MY BROTHER, DAVEY'S
AT HOME, BUT DAD ISN'T.
♪ DON WE NOW OUR
GAY APPAREL, FA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
- GET OUT OF HERE, ALL OF YOU!
GET OUT!
- HEY, SHUT UP!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
LOUSE UP THE CHRISTMAS DAY DINNER?
- DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
- DINNER?
- CHRISTMAS!
- YOU SAID IT.
- I'LL BITE MY TONGUE OUT.
- GOOD,
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING
TO LOUSE UP THOSE PEOPLE
BRINGING OVER THAT
TURKEY DINNER TOMORROW.
- I DON'T WANT A TURKEY
DINNER TOMORROW.
- WELL, I DO.
WHY DO YOU THINK I
GET MYSELF ARRESTED
ON A CHRISTMAS EVE?
IT AIN'T EASY TO GET
ARRESTED ON A CHRISTMAS EVE.
- KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YOU?
- ALL I CAN SAY IS I WENT TO
A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR THIS,
SO DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING
TO LOUSE IT UP OR I'LL...
- HMM, YOU...
- WHAT?
- YOU...
- WHAT?
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HERE, HERE.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I SAW YOU, GILLIS.
YOU WERE OUT OF YOUR CELL.
NOW, WASN'T IT
NICE? COME ON NOW.
WHY DON'T YOU STAY OUT?
- GO AWAY.
- GILLIS, BE REASONABLE.
WE'VE BEEN
REASONABLE, HAVEN'T WE?
ANSWER ME THAT. HAVEN'T
WE BEEN REASONABLE?
- I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
I AM STAYING IN HERE
UNTIL CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
- GILLIS, FOR THE LAST
TIME, WE'LL TAKE YOU HOME.
I'LL TAKE YOU HOME IN MY
OWN CAR, THE OFFICIAL ONE.
I'LL EVEN LET YOU
BLOW THE SIREN.
GILLIS, PLEASE, LET
US TAKE YOU OUT.
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
THIS MAN'S GOT ME
HALF OUT OF MY MIND.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE'S GOT
THE WHOLE CITY ADMINISTRATION
HALF OUT OF ITS MIND.
- IF THE CITY ADMINISTRATION
HAD HALF A MIND TO GET OUT OF,
I WOULDN'T BE IN HERE,
BUT I'M IN HERE,
AND HERE I STAY.
- HEY, THIS GUY'S
GOING TO DO US OUT
OF A CHRISTMAS DINNER.
- CHIEF.
- OH, JUDGE, I'M
GLAD YOU GOT HERE.
I'M AFRAID THIS GILLIS
HAS GOT US LICKED.
- HE MAY HAVE US ALL LICKED.
"THE DAILY NEWS" IS
WRITING A STORY ABOUT ME,
CALLING ME THE
WORLD'S MEANEST JUDGE
BECAUSE I THREW GILLIS
IN JAIL ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
- BUT GILLIS DESERVED IT.
"THE DAILY NEWS" IS
JUST PLAYING POLITICS.
- YEAH? THE KIND OF POLITICS
THAT CAN GET US OUT
OF OFFICE NEXT ELECTION.
NOW, LOOK, LET ME HANDLE GILLIS.
I'M GOING TO TAKE
CARE OF HIM, SEE.
I'LL GET DOWN ON BOTH
KNEES TO HIM, IF I HAVE TO.
NICE SINGING, FOLKS.
- ♪ AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING ♪
- KEEP IT UP. COME ON.
HELLO, MR. GILLIS.
- GOOD NIGHT, JUDGE.
- GLAD TO SEE
YOU'RE IN A BETTER
HUMOR TODAY, MR. GILLIS.
- DON'T KID YOURSELF
ABOUT MY HUMOR.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU FEEL, STAY MAD.
THAT'S YOUR PRIVILEGE,
BUT I'M NOT GOING
TO GET MAD. NO, SIREE.
I SAID IF THAT'S
THE WAY YOU FEEL...
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
- VOTERS, VOTERS.
- OH, NO, NO, NO,
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
SING DECK THE BOUGHS...
GILLIS, YOU'RE A BAD
INFLUENCE ON THIS JAIL.
- WANT TO ADD TEN
DAYS TO MY SENTENCE?
- YOU HAVE NO
SENTENCE. I'M REVOKING IT.
- I'M REVOKING YOUR REVOKING.
- IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU'RE IN CONTEMPT OF COURT.
- I'M NOT IN COURT.
- BUT I AM THE COURT!
- I AM IN CONTEMPT.
- GILLIS, BE REASONABLE.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. YOU'RE
NOT REALLY MAD AT ME.
- OH, NO?
- OR THE CHIEF HERE?
- HMM?
- NO.
- YOU'RE REALLY
MAD AT CHRISTMAS.
- NO.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- I AM NOT MAD AT CHRISTMAS.
I AM MAD AT PEOPLE.
- PEOPLE?
- PEOPLE AT CHRISTMAS.
- YES, YES, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.
I'LL ADMIT THAT WHEN YOU CAME
INTO MY COURT YESTERDAY
A LITTLE MAD AT
PEOPLE AT CHRISTMAS,
WELL, I WAS A LITTLE MAD AT
PEOPLE AT CHRISTMAS, TOO,
AND I DEALT WITH
YOU A LITTLE SEVERELY,
A LITTLE TOO SEVERELY.
- HMM.
- I WAS WRONG.
THERE, I'VE SAID IT.
- THANK YOU, JUDGE.
- GOOD.
I'M GLAD IT'S ALL OVER.
WE'LL JUST FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.
- YOU FORGET THE WHOLE
THING. I'LL STAY HERE.
- BUT, GILLIS, YOU
CAN'T STAY HERE
IN THIS BARE CELL TILL
CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
WHY, WHY, THINK OF YOUR FAMILY.
- I AM.
- GOOD.
- THAT'S WHY I'M STAYING HERE.
- DON'T BLAME DAD
FOR HIS ATTITUDE.
THE FAMILY WAS ONE
OF THE BIG CAUSES
OF HIS GOING TO JAIL,
AND I DID MY PART
ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT,
MY MOTHER WARMED HIM UP FOR ME.
- HERBERT, YOU HAVE JUST
GOT TO HELP ME DECIDE
ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
- LOOK, CHRISTMAS IS BAD ENOUGH
WHAT WITH THE CUSTOMERS
I HAVE TO PUT WITH
LET ALONE MY WIFE WHO
I HAVE TO PUT WITH, TOO.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, WINNIE.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN,
BUT COMES CHRISTMAS, BLIP,
YOU FLIP JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE.
NOW, PLEASE, AGAIN,
PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ME
WITH THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
DID YOU HEAR
WHAT I SAID, WINNIE?
- OF COURSE, DEAR.
HERBERT, YOU HAVE JUST
GOT TO HELP ME DECIDE
ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
- OH, MY.
- WE HAVE TO GET THE CARDS OUT.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS.
- BOY, AND IS IT CHRISTMAS.
THAT'S THE EXCUSE
FOR EVERYTHING.
EVERYBODY GOES NUTS.
AND WHY IT'S OKAY?
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
- OH, YOU. YOU JUST LOVE
TO ACT LIKE SCROOGE.
- WHO'S ACTING?
- LISTEN, HERBERT,
I HAVE TO ASK YOU
ABOUT THE JORGENSONS.
- YOU ASKED ME ABOUT THE
JORGENSONS YESTERDAY.
- I DID? WHAT DID I
ASK YOU ABOUT THEM?
- YOU ASKED ME WHETHER
WE SHOULD SEND THEM
A CHRISTMAS CARD.
- REALLY? AND WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- I DON'T REMEMBER.
- YOU SAID THEY OWE
US A THREE MONTHS' BILL.
- ALL RIGHT. SO
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
- BUT DID YOU SAY
TO SEND THEM A CARD
OR NOT TO SEND THEM A CARD?
- I SAID NOT TO
SEND THEM A CARD.
- OH. ALL RIGHT.
BUT THEN IF WE SENT THEM ONE,
IT MIGHT REMIND
THEM ABOUT THE BILL.
- THEN SEND THEM ONE.
- MAKE THEM FEEL GUILTY.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- DOES THAT MEAN YES OR NO?
- I SAID SEND THEM A CARD!
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
BUT THEN THREE MONTHS
IS AN AWFULLY LONG
TIME FOR THEM TO OWE US.
GOODNESS, THEY MIGHT
THINK WE DIDN'T MIND.
- THEN DON'T SEND THEM ONE.
- OKAY, OKAY.
BUT THEN, HERBERT,
IT IS CHRISTMAS.
- THEN SEND THEM ONE!
- GOODNESS, I ONLY
SAID IT'S CHRISTMAS.
- I KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS!
AND HOW DO I KNOW
IT'S CHRISTMAS?
BECAUSE MY WIFE CAN'T SEND OUT
ONE CHRISTMAS CARD
WITHOUT CALLING A TOP
SUMMIT CONFERENCE.
- AND OLD MRS. MULLER
COMES IN HERE FOUR TIMES A DAY
AND GETS THE SAME THINGS
SHE GETS ALL YEAR ROUND,
BUT NOW, THEY ARE
PRESENTS FOR PEOPLE,
AND WILL I PLEASE
GIFT WRAP THEM?
AND WHY?
BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET
FREE CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER!
- OH, I DON'T THINK MRS.
MULLER WOULD DO THAT.
- OH, YOU DON'T.
THIS IS A SALAMI.
MRS. MULLER BUYS A SALAMI
EVERY WEEK OF THE YEAR,
BUT THIS WEEK,
IT'S A PRESENT FOR HER
SISTER-IN-LAW IN DETROIT
AND WILL I PLEASE GIFT WRAP IT?
- HERE, LET ME.
- SHE WAS IN HERE
A LITTLE WHILE AGO
AND WANTED A CAN OF
SARDINES GIFT WRAPPED
FOR HER NEPHEW'S BOY IN PHOENIX.
- HERE, PUT YOUR FINGER.
- THERE.
NOW, WE CAN GET
STARTED CHECKING.
- GOOD.
- THE CHRISTMAS CARD LISTS.
- YEAH, MOM DIDN'T
HELP DAD'S TEMPER ANY,
BUT LET'S BE HONEST.
NEITHER DID I.
- YES, IT'S ME, DAD,
READY, WILLING
AND ABLE, YES, SIR.
NOW, DON'T THANK
ME. NO, NOT YET, DAD.
WAIT'LL I PUT IN A
FULL DAY'S WORK,
AND DON'T THANK ME EVEN
THEN. IT'S JUST MY DUTY.
AFTER ALL, THERE'S NO SCHOOL.
I SHOULD HELP OUT.
- LISTEN, YOU'RE
UP TO SOMETHING.
YOU'RE UP... THE
STAMP, THE STAMP,
THE STAMP IS STUCK, THE STAMP.
- OH, HERE, LET ME, DAD.
- PHEW, OOH!
- THAT'S FUNNY.
I DON'T SEE HOW IT COULD
STICK TO A MOIST SURFACE.
- MY TONGUE HAPPENS
TO BE A DRY SURFACE.
I'VE LICKED OVER
2,000 OF THOSE THINGS.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S
SOMETHING I CAN DO.
[ HUMS ]
- ALL RIGHT, BOY.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- HUH?
- YOU ARE MY SON,
A TALL, STRONG, HEALTHY,
ALL-AMERICAN BOY
AND AS LAZY AS A HOUND
DOG IN POSSUM SEASON,
SO ANY TIME I SEE YOU IN
THIS STORE WEARING AN APRON
AND READY TO GO TO
WORK, I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- AW, DAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
- SPEAKING OF
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS...
- NOBODY WAS.
- I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO GET MAYNARD.
- HMM, I HAVE A SUGGESTION,
BUT HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO HANG A BATH
ON A CHRISTMAS TREE?
- AH. [ LAUGHTER ]
- NO, SERIOUSLY, DAD.
WHAT'S REALLY BUGGING
ME IS WHAT TO GET MOM.
WHAT ARE YOU GIVING HER?
- WELL, I HAVEN'T
MADE UP MY MIND YET.
I WAS THINKING OF GETTING
HER A WASHING MACHINE,
BUT I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO GET HER A DRYER.
- A CLOTHES DRYER?
- YEAH, SHE NEEDS THAT
MORE THAN SHE DOES
A WASHING MACHINE. AFTER
ALL, HER SCRUB BOARD'S
ONLY SIX MONTHS OLD.
- DAD, LISTEN.
- DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, BOY.
I REMEMBER DISTINCTLY I
GOT IT FOR HER LAST AUGUST
FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
- DAD, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND WOMEN.
- TRUE, AN UNDERSTATEMENT
BUT BASICALLY TRUE.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
A LITTLE ABOUT THEM
OR YOU WOULDN'T
BE STANDING THERE.
- WELL, I JUST MEANT YOU
OUGHT TO GET HER SOMETHING,
WELL, TO REMIND
HER SHE'S A WOMAN.
- HMM, I HAVE WAYS.
- YOU KNOW, I MEANT
GET HER SOMETHING GAY,
GLAMOROUS, FRIVOLOUS.
- I ALREADY DID. YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
- SERIOUSLY, NOW, DAD.
- WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST?
- GET HER SOMETHING,
SAY, FROM PARIS.
- UH-HUH. WELL, IF THE FRENCH
HAPPEN TO MAKE A
GOOD CLOTHES DRYER,
I'LL BUY IT FOR HER.
- OH, SPEAKING OF PRESENTS
FOR WOMEN REMINDS ME...
- NO, YOU DON'T.
- IT'S $5. I NEED IT.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE UP TO.
- YOU'LL RUIN MY ROMANCE.
I PROMISED MY GIRL.
YOU'D HAVE GIVEN TO ME
EVENTUALLY ANYWAY, DAD.
- NOT UNTIL CHRISTMAS
MORNING. OKAY.
IF YOU WANT IT NOW, TAKE IT,
BUT MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- AW, DAD. I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE JUST A
WARM-HEARTED, GENEROUS,
AFFECTIONATE SOFTY.
- YEAH, AND YOU'RE
JUST CONSISTENT,
A BUM, BUT A CONSISTENT BUM.
CAN'T YOU JUST PRETEND
TO WORK A LITTLE?
- OH, I'D LOVE TO, DAD,
BUT I'VE GOT TO GO
TO THE POST OFFICE
AND ORDER MY GIRL'S PRESENT.
- THE POST OFFICE? WHAT
ARE YOU GIVING HER, STAMPS?
- NO, I'M GIVING HER A
HOME STUDY COURSE
IN BATON TWIRLING.
- WHAT?
- IT COMES IN THE MAIL.
IT TEACHES HER ALL
ABOUT BATON TWIRLING.
- YOU HAD THE
NERVE TO CRITICIZE ME
AND THE PRESENT I WAS
GOING TO GIVE YOUR MOTHER,
AND YOU ARE GOING
TO GIVE SOME GIRL
A HOME COURSE IN BATON TWIRLING?
- BUT IT'S WHAT SHE WANTS.
- WELL, A DRYER IS WHAT
YOUR MOTHER WANTS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT!
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG.
- OH, THERE ISN'T?
I'VE SEEN THOSE DRUM MAJORETTES
WITH THEIR SHORTS UP TO THERE.
- WELL, THAT'S NOTHING.
- HM, IT'S PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
- BUT I PROMISED HER.
I'M ONLY MAKING
THE FIRST PAYMENT.
I PROMISED.
THIS IS THE ONLY GIRL
I EVER REALLY LOVED.
YOU MAY BE RUINING
THE WHOLE FUTURE
OF SHE WHO MAY BECOME
YOUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
- THAT DOES IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE
ANY BATON TWIRLER
FOR A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
OKAY. OKAY.
BUT WHEN THEY STRAP
YOU IN THAT JACKET,
DON'T TELL THEM I'M YOUR FATHER.
- BYE, DAD.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
- HMM, I GOTTA KILL
THAT BOY. I JUST GOTTA.
- WELL, THAT WAS
MY CONTRIBUTION,
I'M SORRY TO SAY,
AND ON TOP OF ME,
MY BROTHER, DAVEY,
HOME FROM COLLEGE, HE
REALLY GAVE DAD A SHOCK.
- YOU MEAN YOU DON'T
WANT ANY CHRISTMAS MONEY?
- THAT'S RIGHT, DAD,
NOT A SINGLE RED CENT.
I DON'T HAVE A GIRL
TO GIVE A PRESENT TO,
AND I'M SPENDING
MY WHOLE VACATION
WITH RANDY MACON.
- RANDY MACON, IS THAT THE
MACONS OF MACON FALLS?
- YES, OLD DAD.
WE GO FIRST CLASS.
- YEAH, YOU MEET SOME
PRETTY FANCY GUYS
UP THERE AT COLLEGE.
- NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR THE SON
OF HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
WON'T NEED DOUGH UP THERE.
THOSE PEOPLE GOT MONEY
THEY HAVEN'T EVEN COUNTED YET.
- THOSE OLD BIG DOLLARS...
- THE ESTATE, THE MILL,
THE FOUNDRY, THE WHOLE TOWN.
- NO COACH FLIGHTS,
STRICTLY EXTRA FARE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR ARM?
- DAD, THAT'S THE WAY
WE WEAR 'EM AT COLLEGE.
- OH, WELL, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
OUGHT TO HAVE A COUPLE BUCKS
IN YOUR POCKET ANYWAY?
- WHAT FOR, DAD? THEY
WON'T LET ME SPEND A DIME.
- OH, YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, DAVEY,
AND A COMFORT TO
YOUR OLD MAN, HUH?
- WELL, MAYBE I OUGHT TO HAVE
A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO TIP THE SERVANTS.
- SURE, HOW ABOUT
THREE, FOUR BUCKS?
- 50.
- YEAH, YOU GOT
TO TIP THE... 50?
- YEAH, THE BUTLER,
THE CHAUFFEUR,
THE UPSTAIRS MAID.
- $50!
- DAD, YOU DON'T
WANT PEOPLE SAYING
THE SON OF HERBERT T. GILLIS
IS CHINTZY?
- LET THEM SAY, LET THEM SAY!
$50 FOR TIPS?
- LIKE I SAID, THE BUTLER,
THE CHAUFFEUR, THE...
- I KNOW, THE ATTIC
MAID, THE CELLAR MAID,
THE DOORMAN, THE STABLE BOY.
YOU SURE THEY DON'T HAVE THEIR
OWN PRIVATE CHIMNEY SWEEP?
- AH. [ LAUGHS ] FUNNY, DAD.
- NOT $50 FUNNY.
- OH, DAD, I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A
GENEROUS, WARM-HEARTED,
AFFECTIONATE OLD SOFTY.
- YEAH, AND I'VE
HEARD THAT, TOO.
OKAY.
HERE, FROM YOUR
GENEROUS, WARM-HEARTED,
AFFECTIONATE OLD
SOFTY SOFT-HEADED DAD.
[ LAUGHS ]
- AH, THANK YOU, DAD.
- INCIDENTALLY,
IF THAT BUTLER GETS OUT
OF LINE, GIVE ME A CALL.
FOR TIPS LIKE THAT, I'LL
BUTTLE ALL OVER THE JOINT.
[ LAUGHS ]
- YOU KILL ME.
- I COULD ALWAYS
SWEAR HE ASKED ME TO.
- WELL, THAT WAS THE
FAMILY'S CONTRIBUTION
TO DAD'S MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THAT'S NOT ALL.
HIS LOYAL REGULAR CUSTOMERS
PITCHED IN AND HELPED, TOO.
YOU WANT SOME CUSTOMERS?
YOU WANT OLD MRS. MULLER,
THE CHRISTMAS
WRAPPING PAPER THIEF?
OR MRS. NICHOLS,
THE FRUIT PINCHER?
MRS. SEDELITZ, THE CANDY TASTER
OR MAYBE MRS. DOW
WHO SENDS HER KID WITH
A LIST AND THE MONEY,
ALWAYS 10 CENTS SHORT
AND HAS YET TO PAY UP.
OR MRS. KENNY.
- OHHH.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT EXACTLY.
- I'M SORRY IT TOOK
SO LONG, MRS. KENNY,
BUT THE WHOLESALER DIDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING LIKE IT IN STOCK,
AND I HAD TO HAVE
IT MADE SPECIAL.
- OH, THANK YOU
SO MUCH, MR. GILLIS.
YOU KNOW, CHARLES
WILL BE SO PLEASED.
- YOUR LITTLE BOY?
- NO, MY HUSBAND.
- YOUR HUSBAND? OH, HE'S
GOING TO GIVE IT TO THE KIDS, HUH?
- THIS IS FOR CHARLES.
YOU SEE, I GOT HIM
ONE 32 YEARS AGO
FOR OUR FIRST MARRIED CHRISTMAS,
AND THIS'LL BE SUCH
A NICE SURPRISE.
OH, I THINK IT WAS
SO SWEET OF YOU
TO GO TO ALL THAT TROUBLE.
- OH, GLAD TO DO
IT, AND HERE IT IS.
- NO, NO, NO, I
CAN'T HIDE A THING
AROUND THAT HOUSE
AT CHRISTMASTIME.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
KIDS WILL SNOOP OUT ANYTHING.
- NO, CHARLES.
- YOUR HUSBAND?
- YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY,
I ALWAYS SAY THAT A MAN
IS JUST A FAT, BALD BOY,
SO YOU KEEP THE CANE AND
DELIVER IT ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
BUT YOU BETTER
MAKE IT AFTER 11:00.
- AFTER 11:00 AT NIGHT
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
- CHARLES ALWAYS STAYS
UP FOR THE LATE NEWS.
- ALL RIGHT, MRS. KENNY,
AND I'LL JUST PUT
THE $3 ON YOUR BILL.
- $3?
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT COST ME.
- $3?
WHY, I DIDN'T PAY MORE
THAN A DOLLAR AND A HALF
FOR THE OTHER ONE.
- BUT THAT WAS 30 YEARS AGO.
- 32.
- HONEST, I'M NOT
MAKING A PENNY.
- I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T PAY $3
FOR A SILLY THING LIKE THAT.
- WELL, THEY WON'T TAKE IT BACK.
- WELL, IT'S GOING TO
SPOIL MY ENTIRE CHRISTMAS.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO DO THAT.
- WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH IT?
- SELL IT - TO WHO?
- ANYBODY WOULD WANT
A NICE THING LIKE THAT
FOR A DOLLAR AND A HALF.
- NO, MRS. KENNY,
IT'S YOURS FOR FREE
AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
THAT'S WONDERFUL! FREE!
[ LAUGHS ]
- AND YOU'LL DELIVER
IT, OF COURSE.
- AFTER 11:00 CHRISTMAS EVE.
IT'LL BE A PLEASURE.
- YOU KNOW, I THINK THE WRAPPING
COULD BE NICER.
- WELL, THAT'S PEOPLE.
SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME WONDER
IF I REALLY WANT TO
GROW UP AND BE ONE.
DAD SAYS A SMALL
BUSINESS ISN'T CALLED SMALL
BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNT
OF BUSINESS YOU DO
BUT BECAUSE OF THE
PEOPLE YOU DO IT WITH.
- THANK YOU AND CALL AGAIN,
AND HONEST, THAT
SCALE WAS CHECKED
JUST YESTERDAY MORNING.
- LIKE, HI.
LIKE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- LIKE, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
WHAT DO YOU WANT, MAYNARD?
- THIS IS MY DAD'S
CHRISTMAS PRESENT,
AND I WANT TO HIDE IT
HERE SO HE WON'T FIND IT.
- HIDE IT? FROM
THE WAY IT SMELLS,
YOU OUGHT TO BURY IT.
- I GOT IT AT THE
ARMY SURPLUS STORE.
MY DAD LIKES HUNTING
AND FISHING UP AT THE LAKE,
AND I GOT A GOOD BUY.
- HMM. WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S ONE OF THOSE
SELF-INFLATING
RUBBER LIFE RAFTS.
YOU KNOW, WHEN A PLANE,
LIKE, WENT DOWN AT SEA
THEY THREW THIS OUT,
PULLED THE CORD AND... OOH,
MY DAD WILL LOVE IT, 4.95.
WILL YOU HIDE IT
FOR ME, LIKE, PLEASE?
- I BETTER, LIKE,
HIDE IT OR THE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT WILL BE, LIKE, AFTER ME.
- THANKS.
OH, I GOT TO WARN
YOU ABOUT ONE THING...
- HELP! MAYNARD, YOU...
- YEAH. THAT'S THE THING.
- WELL, YOU'D THINK THAT'D
BE ENOUGH TO FLIP ANYBODY,
BUT DAD BORE UP BRAVELY, FINELY
AT LEAST UNTIL MRS. LAPPING.
- OH, HELLO, MRS. LAPPING.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
I GOT A RUSH ORDER
TO GET OUT HERE.
I PROMISED TO
FILL IT RIGHT AWAY.
- WELL, IT SEEMS THE
CUSTOMER WHO'S HERE
SHOULD GET THE CONSIDERATION
OF ONE WHO ASKED YOU TO DELIVER.
- ALL RIGHT, MRS. LAPPING.
IS THERE SOMETHING I
CAN GET YOU RIGHT AWAY?
WHAT IS IT?
- MY COUSIN PEARL.
- HUH?
- MY COUSIN PEARL,
YOU SHOULD KNOW HER.
SHE VISITED ME ONCE IN '45.
- OH, YEAH, IT'S VERY
NICE. WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?
- PEARL'S SICK.
- OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME
SOUP? SOUP WOULD BE NICE.
- NO, SHE ISN'T SICK THERE.
IT'S BACK HERE AND
AROUND IN THERE.
SHE'S DOCTORING, BUT IT DON'T
SEEM TO DO HER ANY GOOD.
THE DOCTORS SAYS IT'S
NEUROLOGY, BUT I KNOW BETTER.
- YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I
COULD BE FILLING THIS ORDER
WHILE YOU TELL ME
ALL ABOUT IT, HUH?
- WELL, YOU'D BETTER PUT
THIS TURKEY IN THE FREEZER.
IT MIGHT SPOIL. I THAWED IT.
- TURKEY?
- MM-HM.
I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- YEAH, LAST JUNE
WHEN I HAD A SPECIAL
PRICE ON THEM.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEARL?
- ITS BACK?
- I KNEW YOU WEREN'T LISTENING.
PEARL HAS THIS BACK CONDITION,
AND SHE WANTS TO GO WITH
ADAM AND DRIVE UP TO SELLERSVILLE
AND PICK UP MY SISTER, OPAL.
SHE'S MARRIED TO A DUMFREY.
- I KNOW, MRS. LAPPING, BUT...
- ADAM'S PEARL'S BROTHER.
HE NEVER MARRIED, AND
SHE NEVER MARRIED, EITHER.
- I SEE.
- AND THAT'S WHAT'S
WRONG WITH HER BACK.
- I KNOW.
- SHE'S ALWAYS WAITING
ON THAT MAN HAND AND FOOT.
HE'S SO LAZY.
WHY, HE WOULDN'T
TURN HIS HAND A MIGHT.
- I KNOW, MRS. LAPPING, BUT...
- AND THAT'S WHY I'M
RETURNING THE TURKEY.
- AND THAT'S WHAT I
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- WON'T LISTEN, WILL YOU?
BECAUSE OF PEARL'S
BACK CONDITION,
THEY ARE NOT COMING TO MY
HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER.
WE ARE GOING THERE.
- BUT YOU CAN'T
RE-FREEZE A TURKEY.
- I KNOW THAT.
THAT'S WHY I'M RETURNING IT.
- BUT I CAN'T
RE-FREEZE IT, EITHER.
- I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- I KNOW YOU DID,
AND YOU PAID FOR
IT, AND IT IS YOURS.
- I JUST RETURNED IT.
- WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH IT?
- IT'S YOUR TURKEY.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- WELL, YOU COULD
SELL IT TO SOMEBODY.
- NO, I CAN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN. IF YOU
WERE MORE COOPERATIVE,
PEOPLE WOULD COME IN AND...
- WHAT I MEAN IS THAT EVERYBODY
ALREADY HAS THEIR TURKEY.
- IS THAT MY FAULT?
- IS COUSIN PEARL'S
BACK MY FAULT?
- IT'S ADAM'S FAULT.
I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
YOU JUST WON'T LISTEN, WILL YOU?
- I...
- I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, MRS.
LAPPING. ALL RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW YOU CAN SELL IT EASY.
- MAYBE, MAYBE.
- YOU'VE KNOWN THAT ALL ALONG.
- 18 AND 3/4.
AND THE PRICE LAST JUNE
WAS 49 CENTS A POUND.
- HERE, HERE IT
IS, ALL FIGURED UP.
- YEAH. HEY, JUST A MINUTE.
YOU'VE GOT THIS FIGURED
AT 69 CENTS A POUND.
- THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE NOW,
BUT THEY WERE 49 IN JUNE.
- I CAN TAKE YOU OUTSIDE
AND SHOW YOU A
SIGN IN YOUR WINDOW
THAT SAYS "TURKEYS
69 CENTS A POUND."
- THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE NOW.
- WELL, NOW IS WHEN
I'M RETURNING IT.
- BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO
GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU PAID.
- I BOUGHT IT HERE.
- FOR 49 CENTS A POUND,
AND YOU CAN'T EXPECT
ME TO GIVE YOU 69.
- WELL, I'VE BEEN KEEPING
IT IN MY REFRIGERATOR
ALL THIS TIME.
- I KNOW, MRS. LAPPING.
- AND WITH ALL THAT ELECTRICITY.
- YES, MRS. LAPPING.
- AND YOU WILL SELL IT FOR 69,
WANTING TO GIVE ME 49
YOU'RE WHILE SELLING IT
FOR 69, MAKING TWO PROFITS.
- TWO PROFITS?
- AND AT CHRISTMASTIME, TOO.
- WHA...?
- THIS IS THE TIME OF THE YEAR
WHEN EVERYONE
SHOULD BE THEIR KINDEST.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
GIVE ME MY MONEY!
♪ FA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY
- 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
- ♪ TRA, LA, LA, LA... ♪
- CHRISTMAS CARDS,
BATON TWIRLING
DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS, LIFE RAFTS,
$50 FOR TIPS
FOR THE SERVANTS,
GIFT-WRAPPED SALAMI
AND LAST YEAR'S TURKEYS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
- NO, NO, NO, NO!
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
- POLICE, POLICE,
POLICE, HELP, HELP,
POLICE, POLICE, HELP!
- GILLIS, I DON'T CARE WHAT
THEY PUT IN THE PAPERS.
I'M TIRED OF BABYING YOU AROUND.
IF YOU HAD KEPT YOUR MOUTH
SHUT IN COURT YESTERDAY,
THE CHARGES AGAINST YOU
WOULD'VE BEEN DROPPED,
BUT NO, NO, YOU HAD
TO BE A LOUD MOUTH.
WELL, THE JUDGE WAS RIGHT
WHEN HE SENTENCED YOU
FOR CONTEMPT.
- THANK YOU.
- AND NOW YOU'RE BEING STUBBORN.
YOU'RE GOING TO STAY HERE
IN THIS JAIL TILL
CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
WELL, I'M GLAD.
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE
OUT WITH DECENT PEOPLE
ON CHRISTMAS.
- MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY,
AND I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO
AT 11:00 CHRISTMAS
EVE. GOOD NIGHT, SIR.
- HERBERT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
- HEY, I DIDN'T WANT YOU ALL
COMING DOWN TO
A PLACE LIKE THIS.
- WE BROUGHT YOU
CHRISTMAS DINNER, DAD.
- YEAH, AND A TREE.
- NATURALLY WE'RE ALL GOING
TO SPEND CHRISTMAS TOGETHER
NO MATTER WHERE.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO TO A DANCE TONIGHT.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
UP IN MACON FALLS?
- THEY GAVE ALL THAT UP
TO HELP ME IN THE STORE.
- HELP YOU IN THE STORE?
- YES.
[ LAUGHS ]
- LET'S GO HOME.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS, HUH?
- YEAH.
- HEY, LISTEN, LISTEN.
- ♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
- CHRISTMAS CAROLERS, SHOULD
WE INVITE THEM IN FOR COFFEE?
- YES.
- YEAH.
- YES.
- OKAY.
- ♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO
BE JOLLY, FA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ DON WE NOW OUR
GAY APPAREL, FA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ SING AN ANCIENT
CHRISTMAS CAROL ♪
♪ FA, LA, LA, LA,
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
- COME ON IN.
- COME ON IN AND HAVE A COFFEE.
- WE'RE ALL TOGETHER,
SO IT'S GOING TO BE A
MERRY CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL.
AND THE SAME TO YOU.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪