The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 11 - Dobie's Birthday Party - full transcript
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
NOPE, I GUESS IT CAN'T BE DONE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE
IF THERE WAS SOME WAY
OF GETTING INTO THE WORLD
WITHOUT GOING THROUGH PARENTS.
THE TROUBLE IS MY PARENTS
DON'T UNDERSTAND ME.
'COURSE, A LOT OF THE
TIME, I DON'T UNDERSTAND ME,
BUT THEY'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE SMARTER THAN I AM.
THE REAL PROBLEM IS MY
PARENTS ARE UNDEPENDABLE.
NOW, I WOULDN'T COMPLAIN IF THEY
WERE JUST NORMALLY UNDEPENDABLE
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS,
BUT WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN DEPEND
ON THEIR BEING UNDEPENDABLE,
THAT'S REALLY UNDEPENDABLE.
NOW, YOU TAKE MY
BIRTHDAY, FOR INSTANCE.
THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY,
I LAID IT RIGHT ON
THE LINE FOR THEM.
MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT I
WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
- WHAT'S THAT, DEAR?
- I WANT YOU TO FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.
- THAT'S ENOUGH SUGAR, DOBIE.
- JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A
YEAR OLDER. WHY THE BIG FUSS?
BIRTHDAY PARTIES WITH SILLY
LOOKING HATS AND HORNS,
THAT'S FOR KIDS. WHO NEEDS IT?
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT
THE CEREAL IN THE SUGAR BOWL?
- HERBERT, SUGAR IS ENERGY.
- IT IS ALSO NINE CENTS
A POUND WHOLESALE.
- SO DO ME A FAVOR, HUH?
TOMORROW, FOR MY BIRTHDAY,
DON'T EVEN MENTION IT.
OKAY? OKAY.
- YOU SEE WHAT I
MEAN ABOUT PARENTS?
COULD I HAVE MADE IT
ANY PLAINER? COULD I?
I SAID DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.
SO THE NEXT MORNING
IS MY BIRTHDAY,
AND WHAT HAPPENS?
THEY DON'T EVEN MENTION IT.
- NOW, HERBERT, REMEMBER,
IT'S DOBIE'S BIRTHDAY,
BUT WE'RE NOT GOING
TO SAY A WORD ABOUT IT,
NOT A SINGLE WORD.
- YOU KNOW, WINNIE, THAT'S
THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE
THAT BOY HAS SHOWN ANY
SENSE ABOUT ANYTHING.
WHY, THAT PARTY WOULD'VE COST
A FORTUNE IN COLD CUTS ALONE.
- OH, WE'RE STILL GOING
TO HAVE THE PARTY.
- NOT TO MENTION THE WAY
THOSE KIDS CAN EAT CAKE
AND ICE CREAM
AND GUZZLE... WHAT?
- I SAID WE'RE STILL
GOING TO HAVE THE PARTY.
- I WILL NOT BREAK
MY VOW TO THAT BOY.
HE SAT RIGHT OVER THERE
YESTERDAY MORNING,
AND HE SAID, "I DO
NOT WANT A PARTY,"
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE
IS NOT GOING TO GET, A PARTY.
- BUT OF COURSE HE WANTS ONE,
AND IT'LL BE A
WONDERFUL SURPRISE.
CAN'T YOU JUST SEE HIS FACE?
- OH, I CAN JUST SEE HIS FACE,
AND HE'S STUFFING
IT WITH COLD CUTS.
I'M GOING DOWN TO THE STORE.
- I'LL BE DOWN AS SOON AS
I'VE GIVEN DOBIE HIS BREAKFAST.
- LOCK UP THE SUGAR, HUH?
- GOOD MORNING, GOOD
MORNING, GOOD MORNING,
GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- DRINK YOUR JUICE.
- SURE IS A BEAUTIFUL
DAY, ISN'T IT?
- I GUESS SO, DEAR. I
REALLY HADN'T NOTICED.
- I MEAN, IT'S A SPECIAL KIND
OF BEAUTIFUL DAY, YOU KNOW,
LIKE IT'S KIND OF A
SPECIAL KIND OF A DAY.
- HOW WILL YOU HAVE YOUR
EGGS, FRIED OR SCRAMBLED?
- IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GOING
TO SAY IS ABOUT EGGS?
- WELL, I HAVE TO KNOW
HOW YOU WANT THEM, DEAR.
- I GUESS I'M NOT
VERY HUNGRY, MOM.
I'LL JUST GET A CHOCOLATE
MILK DOWNSTAIRS.
- DOBIE.
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MOM.
IT'S OKAY.
- NO, IT ISN'T,
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE.
- GOOD MORNING, DAD.
- OH, YOU THINK SO, HUH?
- SURE IS A BEAUTIFUL
DAY, ISN'T IT?
- WELL, WHEN I GET A MINUTE,
I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT
YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAY.
ONLY BY THEN, IT'LL BE NIGHT.
- I MEAN, IT'S A SPECIAL KIND
OF BEAUTIFUL DAY, YOU KNOW,
LIKE A ONCE A YEAR DAY,
KIND OF A SPECIAL DAY.
- YOU MEAN A SPECIAL DAY LIKE
WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM SCHOOL
AND PUT ON AN APRON AND
GO TO WORK IN THE STORE?
- I GOTTA GO TO SCHOOL,
DAD. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- DOBIE.
- NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, DAD. OKAY.
- 17 YEARS AGO TODAY,
I WAS YELLING FOR A BOY.
OKAY. OKAY.
- MAYNARD.
- YEAH, I HEAR YOU, BIG DADDY.
- YOU EVER HAVE ANY
TROUBLE WITH YOUR PARENTS?
- WELL, I HAVE, LIKE, TROUBLE
WITH EVERYBODY'S PARENTS.
I KEEP SLIPPING THEM THE
SHOVEL, BUT THEY DON'T DIG.
ESPECIALLY MOTHERS AND FATHERS.
- I MEAN, HOW MUCH WOULD IT HAVE
COST THEM TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
AND GIVE ME A
COUPLE OF PRESENTS?
- MAN, IT REALLY
TURNS YOU ON, DON'T IT?
- IT'S NOT LIKE I
WANTED ANYTHING BIG.
I'D HAVE TAKEN ANYTHING,
JUST A TOKEN, LIKE A
CASHMERE JACKET MAYBE.
- YOU WANT SOME RECORDS.
- OR A CASHMERE SWEATER.
- OR SOME RECORDS.
- TWO LOUSY PRESENTS, AND
WHAT DO I GET? HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
NO, NOT EVEN HAPPY ORANGE JUICE.
SO LONG, MAYNARD.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- HOME.
- HOLD IT, MAN. I'LL,
LIKE, FLY WITH YOU.
HEY, DOBE, DID I WISH
YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
- NO.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANKS.
- OH, DEAR.
- OH, HI, MOM.
- OH, HELLO, DOBIE.
WELL, MAYNARD.
- MOM, MOM.
- MY, YOU'RE QUITE A STRANGER.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU SINCE YESTERDAY.
- YEAH, I'VE BEEN, LIKE, BUSY.
- MOM, COULD WE HAVE SOME
COOKIES AND CHOCOLATE MILK?
WE'RE GOING TO WATCH TV.
- WELL, I GUESS THAT
CAN BE ARRANGED, YES.
YOU GO ON INSIDE,
AND I'LL BRING YOU
THE COOKIES LATER.
- THANKS, MOM. COME ON, MAYNARD.
- NOT MAYNARD.
I SHALL NEED MAYNARD
TO HELP ME CARRY THE MILK.
- WELL, I COULD CARRY THE MILK.
- OH, NO, YOU GO ON INSIDE,
DEAR, AND WATCH YOUR TELEVISION.
MAYNARD LOVES TO CARRY
MILK. DON'T YOU, MAYNARD?
- OKAY.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS AWFUL.
- WHY?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WAS, LIKE, INVITED.
- I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY
THAT I WANTED YOU TO
KEEP DOBIE OUT OF HERE.
- MRS. GILLIS, I'M,
LIKE, CONFUSED.
HE'S YOUR SON. HE LIVES HERE.
- MAYNARD.
- I KNOW IT'S TOUGH, BUT
THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.
- MAYNARD, THE SURPRISE
PARTY. REMEMBER?
- SURPRISE PARTY? OH, YEAH.
I REMEMBER THE SURPRISE PARTY...
- SHH! THEY'LL BE HERE AT 6:00,
AND THAT'S WHY I
WANTED YOU TO KEEP DOBIE
OUT OF HERE UNTIL 6:15.
- OH, NOW I DIG.
YOU WANT US TO KEEP
DOBIE OUT UNTIL 6:15.
MRS. GILLIS, I'LL HAVE
HIM OUT OF HERE SO FAST,
IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SWIM
AS SOON AS WE EAT THESE.
- AND DON'T BRING
HIM BACK UNTIL 6:15.
- WHY SEND FOR THE MARINES
WHEN YOU CAN GET
MAYNARD G. KREBS?
- HERE ARE YOU, DOBE.
YOURS GOT SOME OF
THE MILK SPILLED ON IT.
HEY, DOBE. I GOT AN IDEA.
LET'S GO OVER TO MY HOUSE.
- WHAT FOR?
- WE COULD, LIKE,
WATCH TELEVISION.
- WE'RE WATCHING IT.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT RUNNING
DOWN TO WONG'S FOR A MALT?
- WE JUST HAD A MALT.
- WELL, WE COULD HAVE ANOTHER.
- YOU GOT ANY MONEY?
- NO.
DOBIE?
- YEAH?
- HOW ABOUT WE GO FOR A WALK?
- WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO GO FOR A WALK FOR?
- IT'S, LIKE, HEALTHY.
- I'M, LIKE, HEALTHY ENOUGH.
- HEY, THAT'S AN IDEA.
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE
RED CROSS AND GIVE BLOOD.
[ GUNSHOTS ]
HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT?
MAN, THAT'S SHOOTING.
I GOT IT. LET'S GO DOWN AND
SHOOT SOME POOL. COME ON.
- OH, I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO SHOOT POOL.
- WELL, WE COULD PLAY HANDBALL,
STICKBALL, HOPSCOTCH.
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- ME? NOTHING'S
THE MATTER WITH ME.
- THEN SIT DOWN AND WATCH
THE PICTURE AND SHUT UP.
- YOU JUST STAY THERE, MAN.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- OH, MRS. GILLIS?
- YES?
- YOU BETTER, LIKE,
SEND FOR THE MARINES.
- OH, DEAR.
- WINNIE, THE TELEVISION'S
ON. DOBIE'S HOME.
- I KNOW HE'S HOME.
- WELL, GET HIM OUT
OF HERE. IT'S ONLY 5:30.
I'VE GOT TO BRING UP ALL
THAT FOOD AND THE SODA,
AND WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
- HELLO, MR. GILLIS. I'M GOING
TO KEEP DOBIE OUT UNTIL 6:15.
- OH, GOOD.
- ONLY HE WON'T GO,
AND I TRIED EVERY TRICK I KNOW.
- THERE'S NO TRICK
TO GET DOBIE MOVING.
JUST USE PSYCHOLOGY.
DOBIE, I WAS THINKING, AS LONG
AS YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING,
MAYBE YOU'D GIVE ME A
HAND DOWN IN THE STORE.
- WHAT?
- I GOT A BIG ORDER TO FILL,
50 HAM SANDWICHES, TWO
QUARTS OF POTATO SALAD...
- OH, GEE, I ALMOST FORGOT.
MAYNARD AND I HAVE TO GO OUT.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- SIX CASES OF POTATO CHIPS.
- OH, THIS IS IMPORTANT,
REAL IMPORTANT, MAN.
- UH-HUH.
- 17 YEARS AGO TODAY,
I WAS YELLING FOR A BOY,
AND I'M STILL YELLING.
- WHY'D YOU TELL THEM TO
FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY?
- SO THEY WOULDN'T FORGET IT.
- OH.
- OH, LIFE'S A SHAMBLES.
THAT'S WHAT IT
IS. I'M GOING HOME.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
DOBE. YOU CAN'T.
- I CAN'T WHAT?
- HOW CAN YOU GO
HOME? IT'S NOT 6:00 YET.
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S
LIKE YOU GO HOME NOW,
IT'S DOWN TO THE SALT MINES.
- WHAT SALT MINES?
- THE STORE, MAN,
THE SANDWICH AND
POTATO SALAD FACTORY.
- OH, YEAH.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, I FORGOT.
I BETTER GO HOME ANYWAY.
- NO, DOBE, WAIT.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO DO.
- WE'LL FIND SOMETHING TO DO.
WE'LL, LIKE, LOOK AT GIRLS.
- AH, WHO WANTS
TO LOOK AT GIRLS?
WHAT GIRLS?
- OH, THE PARK'S
CRAWLING WITH THEM.
WE'LL JUST SIT HERE
AND LOOK. OKAY?
- OKAY.
I'M GOING HOME.
- NO, DOBE. I GOT ANOTHER IDEA.
HOW ABOUT GOING
TO THE MALT SHOP?
OH, I SAW A COUPLE OF REAL
COOL DAMES THERE YESTERDAY.
- HOW COOL?
- FROSTY COOL.
- OKAY. YOU KNOW, WHAT
IF THERE'S NO GIRLS?
- WE COULD HAVE ANOTHER MALT.
- WITH WHAT? WE'RE BROKE.
- DOBIE, WE CAN
ALWAYS GET MALT MONEY.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GOOD OLD GEORGIE.
- OKAY. HERE YOU GO, GEORGIE.
SIX EMPTY BOTTLES
AT A NICKEL APIECE.
THAT'S 30 CENTS. YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- AH, HELLO THERE, GEORGIE.
HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT, HUH?
HEY, YOU'RE DOING A
PRETTY GOOD BUSINESS
IN BOTTLES, AREN'T YOU?
THERE YOU ARE, A QUARTER
AND A NICE SHINY NICKEL.
PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DOBE?
- MAKING A NOTE.
I KEEP TABS ON ALL
THIS BOTTLE MONEY.
SOMEDAY, WHEN I'M VERY RICH,
I'M GOING TO PAY DAD EVERY
PENNY I TOOK OUT OF HERE.
- YOU'RE A GREAT HUMAN BEING.
- LET LOOSE, GEORGIE.
- LET LOOSE.
OKAY.
NOW, THERE'S A NICKEL FOR
YOU AND A QUARTER FOR ME.
GEORGIE, IF I TOLD YOU ONCE,
I TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES,
YOU GOT NO OVERHEAD.
IT'S ALL PROFIT.
- YEAH. THEY'RE DOBIE'S BOTTLES.
THEY'VE BEEN IN THE FAMILY
FOR YEARS. SO LONG, GEORGIE.
- SOMEDAY, I'LL GET
MY OWN BOTTLES
AND GO INTO BUSINESS FOR MYSELF.
- TWO SPECIALS, COMING UP.
- WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK THEY WENT TO,
LIKE, A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- SURE, SOME GUYS GET
PARTIES, AND THEN THERE'S ME.
- HEAVY ON THE CHOCOLATE, HUH.
- I'M ALREADY PUTTING
STRAWBERRIES.
- OH, YEAH, COOL.
- SOME BIRTHDAY.
- HEY, DOBE, DID I WISH
YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
- YEAH, MAYNARD. THANKS ANYWAY.
- OH.
- I CAME OVER AND...
- HEY, HEY, QUIET, EVERYBODY.
HE'LL BE HERE ANY SECOND NOW.
- I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO
SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.
- YEAH, MAYNARD'S
GOING TO BRING HIM
IN THROUGH THE STORE, SEE,
AND WHEN I HEAR THE
BELL, I'LL GO DOWNSTAIRS
LIKE NOTHING'S GOING
ON, AND THEN AS SOON AS
[ DING DONG ]
- HE'S HERE!
- I DON'T WANT
ANOTHER MALT, MAN.
THEY'RE COMING OUT OF MY EARS.
- OKAY THEN. WE'LL
HAVE A SUNDAE. CHARLIE?
- I HEAR YOU TALKING.
- DOBIE, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU OUGHT TO GET
BACK TO YOUR PAD?
- WHAT FOR?
- IT'S WHERE YOU LIVE.
- IT'S WHERE I LIVE. IF
I NEVER CAME HOME,
THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
- SURE, THEY WOULD. MAN, THERE'D
BE ALL THAT FOOD LEFT OVER.
- MAYBE I WON'T EVER GO HOME.
THEN THEY'LL
REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.
- AIN'T YOU EVEN GOING
TO GO HOME FOR DINNER?
- WHO CAN EAT WITH
A BROKEN HEART?
- WAIT'LL I GET MY
HANDS ON THAT MAYNARD.
I TOLD HIM 6:15.
IT'S AFTER 7:00.
[ DING DONG ]
HEY, SCRAMBLE!
- AGAIN?
- THAT'S HIM, THAT'S HIM.
- WELL, WE'RE SO CLOSE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO UP
AND JUST SAY, LIKE, HELLO?
- CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO GO UP AND SAY HELLO.
- DOBIE, ONE LOUSY
FLIGHT OF STAIRS,
ONE LOUSY HELLO.
- I SAID NO.
THEY WOULDN'T HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME.
I'M NOT GOING TO HELLO THEM.
- OOH, I'M GOING TO
GET, LIKE, MURDERED.
- LET LOOSE, GEORGIE.
- DOBE, IT'S YOUR
MOTHER AND FATHER.
JUST GO UPSTAIRS.
DON'T SAY HELLO TO THEM.
JUST NOD TO THEM.
- HERE'S YOUR NICKEL. NO.
- OOH, I'M GOING TO
GET, LIKE, MASSACRED.
- GEORGIE, THIS IS A
400-POUND TEST PADLOCK,
AND I HAVE THE ONLY KEY. TRUE?
YOU ARE FIVE YEARS OLD,
THREE FEET TALL AND
HAVE AN HONEST FACE.
TRUE? THEN WHY IS
IT I GET THE FEELING
THAT YOU ARE TAKING MY BOTTLES?
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE
TAKING THEM, GEORGIE,
BUT IF YOU ARE,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO GET?
- UH-HUH. A WAGON
TO HAUL BOTTLES IN.
- HERE, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
HERE, KITTY, KITTY.
POOR LITTLE KITTY,
POOR LITTLE HOMELESS KITTY,
YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.
I'LL MAKE A HOME
FOR YOU, FEED YOU.
YOU'LL HAVE SOMEBODY
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU,
JUST THE TWO OF US,
TWO OF A KIND AGAINST THE WORLD.
♪ BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE ♪
♪ THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME ♪
- WHY ARE YOU SINGING THAT?
- IT'S, LIKE, A HOME SONG.
- LISTEN, MAYNARD.
I'M NOT GOING HOME.
NOW, WILL YOU JUST CLAM UP
AND STOP TRYING TO
TALK ME INTO GOING HOME?
- I'M NOT TRYING TO TALK
YOU INTO GOING HOME.
WHY WOULD I TRY TO TALK
YOU INTO GOING HOME?
WELL, MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME.
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- WELL, IT BIT MY HAND.
- SAME HAND THAT GEORGIE BIT?
- NO, THE OTHER ONE.
EVERYBODY'S AGAINST
ME. KIDS, CATS, PEOPLE.
- DOBE?
- I AM NOT GOING HOME.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOTTA.
- DOBIE DOESN'T KNOW
ABOUT THE PARTY.
MAYNARD'S THE ONE WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO GET HIM HERE.
- OH, YEAH.
I GOTTA KILL THOSE
BOYS. I JUST GOTTA.
♪ HOME, HOME,
SWEET, SWEET HOME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE ME, OH, GIVE
ME THE PLEASURES OF HOME ♪
- WE'VE GOT TO FEED
THESE CHILDREN.
THEY MUST BE STARVING.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, WINNIE.
IT'S AFTER 9:00.
OKAY. ATTENTION,
KIDS. REFRESHMENTS.
[ CHEERS ]
- YES, SIR, NO PLACE LIKE HOME
ESPECIALLY, LIKE, NOW
WHEN THERE'S, LIKE,
NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
- YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME MUSIC?
- YEAH, SURE, SURE.
BUT LET'S GO HOME
AND HEAR SOME MUSIC.
- WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE
WE COULD KILL SOME TIME
AT RIFF RYAN'S RECORD SHOP.
- YEAH, YEAH, LIKE,
COOL, DADDY-O.
LET'S GO TO THE RECORD SHOP.
- BUT IF YOU'D RATHER GO HOME...
OH, NO, NO, LET'S GO
HEAR SOME PROGRESSIVE...
- OKAY.
- OH, NO, NO, COME TO
THINK OF IT, THOUGH.
I'D RATHER GO HOME. COME ON.
- NO, YOU WANTED TO RIFF
RYAN'S. WE'LL GO TO RIFF RYAN'S.
- NO, DOBE.
OH, OOH, I'M GOING TO
GET, LIKE, SLAUGHTERED.
OOH, OOH, OOH, DOBE.
- THE WHOLE OUTFIT,
LIST IS ONLY 300 SKINS.
WITH DISCOUNT FOR
CASH BRINGS IT TO 210,
AND WHOLESALE TO YOU IS 165,
AND THE HIP DISCOUNT IS 155.
- WILD, DADDY-O.
- WELL, YOU MIGHT AS
WELL GO THE WHOLE ROUTE.
NOW, WHEN IS THE
BEST TIME TO DIG JAZZ?
- LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE IN THE A.M.
- AND WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU DIG JAZZ
AT, LIKE, FOUR OR
FIVE IN THE A.M.?
- THE NEIGHBORS,
LIKE, CALL THE LAW.
- SO IT'S A DEFINITE HEADSET.
TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
A PAIR OF EARPHONES.
NOW, YOU PUT THESE EARPHONES,
LIKE, ON YOUR SKULL, SEE?
AND TURN THE MUSIC WAY DOWN LOW.
THEN YOU TURN THE EARPHONES
WAY UP GOOD AND
LOUD, SO YOU CAN DIG IT.
NOW THE UPSTAIRS
SQUARES DON'T HEAR NOTHING,
AND THE MAN IN BLUE
DON'T COME GET YOU.
- LIKE, CRAZY, BIG
DADDY. GIVE ME A SEC.
- GOT YOU COVERED. FAR-OUT GIRL,
I'LL GET A FRESH
PAIR, BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHEN I HAVE A KID,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM THE
BIGGEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT
YOU EVER SAW.
EVEN IF HE HATES
BIRTHDAY PRESENTS,
HE'LL GET 'EM AND LIKE 'EM.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'M GONNA DO?
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO-DO-DO, DADDY-O?
- I'M GOING TO WISH
HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY
50 TIMES A DAY, MAYBE 100.
- YEAH, RIFF NEVER
PLAYS HIS RECORDS RIGHT.
HE OUGHT TO, LIKE,
TURN THE VOLUME UP,
WAY UP.
[ POPS ]
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
- LIKE, WHAT'S THE
IDEA, MAYNARD?
- FAR-OUT GIRL? HONEY?
LIKE, YOU WANT TO BUY
THE SET? LIKE, WAIT A MINUTE.
LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING, FAR-OUT GIRL?
- FARTHER OUT.
- LIKE, OUT.
- WHAT'S, LIKE,
THE MATTER, RIFF?
- I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES
NOT TO TOUCH THEM KNOBS.
YOU JUST LOST ME A CASH CAT.
THAT WAS FAR-OUT GIRL.
- THAT WAS THE FAR-OUT GIRL?
- LIKE, YEAH.
SHE ONLY WORKS 'CAUSE
SHE'S A PROTEST CAT.
HER OLD MAN IS, LIKE, IN
THE MILLIONAIRE BUSINESS,
AND I JUST GOT
HI-FI ON HER BACK.
I HAD HER COMING IN WEEK
AFTER WEEK FOR ALBUMS,
FOR DIAMOND NEEDLES,
FOR ANTI-STATIC SPRAY,
MULTIPLE SPEAKERS,
AND THEN FINALLY, I GOT
HER HOOKED ON STEREO.
THAT'S A LOT OF
BREAD TO ME, MAN.
I MEAN, SHE WAS, LIKE, A
WALKING ANNUITY TO ME,
AND YOU HAD TO LOUSE IT UP.
- I'M, LIKE, SORRY, RIFF.
- YOU'RE GETTING ME TAPPED OUT,
TAPIOCA CITY, BANKRUPTSVILLE.
I MEAN, YOU PLAY THEM
RECORDS LIKE 2-300 TIMES,
THEY'RE SO THIN, THEY
PLAY BOTH SIDES AT ONCE.
I MEAN, MAN, YOU KNOW
SOMEBODY COMES IN HERE
WITH A FISTFUL OF THEM
PRESIDENT'S PICTURES,
HE WANTS TO BUY A RECORD.
HE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE
FLIP SIDE AT THE SAME TIME.
I MEAN, THAT JUST
AIN'T RIGHT, MAN.
- YOU COOLING ME, RIFF?
- LIKE, YEAH.
- THAT'S, LIKE, ROUGH, RIFF.
- WHAT CAN I DO, MAYNARD?
I MEAN, I, LIKE, LIKE YOU.
- LIKE, THANKS.
- BUT I CAN'T AFFORD YOU.
I MEAN, I GOT, LIKE,
A WIFE AND, LIKE...
- LIKE, KIDS?
- YEAH, THEY ARE
A LITTLE LIKE KIDS,
BUT THEY'RE LOOKING
TO ME FOR BREAD
AND A PAD AND ALL THAT JAZZ.
NOW, IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR
WAY CLEAR TO TAKE A CAB,
I'D, LIKE, APPRECIATE IT.
- CAN I HEAR JUST ONE RECORD?
- ALL RIGHT. WHAT?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
- YEAH, I HEARD A REAL NICE
RECORDING A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
I THINK IT WAS LAWRENCE WELK.
- LAWRENCE WELK?
- LAWRENCE WELK?
- IT GAVE ME KIND OF
A LUMP IN THE THROAT.
- DOBIE, LIKE, OUT.
- BUT...
- LIKE SPLIT, LIKE, NOW.
- WE GOT NO PLACE TO GO.
- WHAT ABOUT THE BIJOU?
THE MOVIE'S A GAS, "THE MONSTER
WHO DEVOURED CLEVELAND."
- WELL, NO, THE
WAY I FEEL TONIGHT,
I'D BE ROOTING FOR THE MONSTER.
- WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, SCHOOL?
- AT NIGHT?
- NIGHT SCHOOL?
- NO, RIFF.
- WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, HOME?
- HEY, THAT'S A
SWINGIN' IDEA, RIFF.
YOU GOT A HIP HEAD
ON YOUR SHOULDERS.
COME ON, DOBE. WE'LL GO HOME.
- OKAY. WE MIGHT AS WELL.
- LIKE, SO LONG.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE.
- SEE YOU LATER.
- LIKE, REAL LATER,
LIKE, NEVER.
CAL FINK.
DO YOU WANT TO COME UP?
- NO, BUT I THINK I BETTER.
HEY, LOOK. SOMEBODY
FORGOT A PICKLE.
MAYBE I COULD MAIL IT TO THEM.
- NOW, HERBERT.
- I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH
EATING SINCE THE MESS HALL.
- WELL, THEY'RE HEALTHY KIDS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
EVERYBODY'S GOT
HEALTHY KIDS BUT ME.
MINE, HE'S SICK, SICK, SICK.
- WHY, HERBERT.
- WELL, WHAT ELSE CAN
YOU SAY ABOUT A KID
THAT DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP
AT HIS OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY?
- IT'S, LIKE, OVER, HUH?
- I OUGHT TO, LIKE,
BREAK YOUR NECK.
- WHAT'S ALL THESE DISHES?
DID YOU HAVE SOME PEOPLE OVER?
- YES, WE HAD SOME PEOPLE OVER.
WE HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE OVER,
AND THEY ATE A LOT OF FOOD,
AND IT COST A LOT OF MONEY.
- DOBIE, YOU MISSED YOUR
WHOLE BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- PARTY? YOU MEAN YOU
WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE
JUST BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY?
- WELL, NATURALLY.
- MOM, HOW MANY
TIMES DID I TELL YOU,
BIRTHDAYS ARE FOR KIDS.
NOW, WHAT DID YOU AND DAD
HAVE TO GO AND GIVE ME A
PARTY FOR? WHO NEEDS IT?
- HEY, SON.
- HMM? WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY.
- AW, GEE, THANKS, DAD.
- GO ON. MAKE A WISH, HUH?
- AW, NOT ME, DAD. I'VE
GOT EVERYTHING I WANT.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
NOPE, I GUESS IT CAN'T BE DONE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE
IF THERE WAS SOME WAY
OF GETTING INTO THE WORLD
WITHOUT GOING THROUGH PARENTS.
THE TROUBLE IS MY PARENTS
DON'T UNDERSTAND ME.
'COURSE, A LOT OF THE
TIME, I DON'T UNDERSTAND ME,
BUT THEY'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE SMARTER THAN I AM.
THE REAL PROBLEM IS MY
PARENTS ARE UNDEPENDABLE.
NOW, I WOULDN'T COMPLAIN IF THEY
WERE JUST NORMALLY UNDEPENDABLE
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS,
BUT WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN DEPEND
ON THEIR BEING UNDEPENDABLE,
THAT'S REALLY UNDEPENDABLE.
NOW, YOU TAKE MY
BIRTHDAY, FOR INSTANCE.
THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY,
I LAID IT RIGHT ON
THE LINE FOR THEM.
MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT I
WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
- WHAT'S THAT, DEAR?
- I WANT YOU TO FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.
- THAT'S ENOUGH SUGAR, DOBIE.
- JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A
YEAR OLDER. WHY THE BIG FUSS?
BIRTHDAY PARTIES WITH SILLY
LOOKING HATS AND HORNS,
THAT'S FOR KIDS. WHO NEEDS IT?
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT
THE CEREAL IN THE SUGAR BOWL?
- HERBERT, SUGAR IS ENERGY.
- IT IS ALSO NINE CENTS
A POUND WHOLESALE.
- SO DO ME A FAVOR, HUH?
TOMORROW, FOR MY BIRTHDAY,
DON'T EVEN MENTION IT.
OKAY? OKAY.
- YOU SEE WHAT I
MEAN ABOUT PARENTS?
COULD I HAVE MADE IT
ANY PLAINER? COULD I?
I SAID DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.
SO THE NEXT MORNING
IS MY BIRTHDAY,
AND WHAT HAPPENS?
THEY DON'T EVEN MENTION IT.
- NOW, HERBERT, REMEMBER,
IT'S DOBIE'S BIRTHDAY,
BUT WE'RE NOT GOING
TO SAY A WORD ABOUT IT,
NOT A SINGLE WORD.
- YOU KNOW, WINNIE, THAT'S
THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE
THAT BOY HAS SHOWN ANY
SENSE ABOUT ANYTHING.
WHY, THAT PARTY WOULD'VE COST
A FORTUNE IN COLD CUTS ALONE.
- OH, WE'RE STILL GOING
TO HAVE THE PARTY.
- NOT TO MENTION THE WAY
THOSE KIDS CAN EAT CAKE
AND ICE CREAM
AND GUZZLE... WHAT?
- I SAID WE'RE STILL
GOING TO HAVE THE PARTY.
- I WILL NOT BREAK
MY VOW TO THAT BOY.
HE SAT RIGHT OVER THERE
YESTERDAY MORNING,
AND HE SAID, "I DO
NOT WANT A PARTY,"
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE
IS NOT GOING TO GET, A PARTY.
- BUT OF COURSE HE WANTS ONE,
AND IT'LL BE A
WONDERFUL SURPRISE.
CAN'T YOU JUST SEE HIS FACE?
- OH, I CAN JUST SEE HIS FACE,
AND HE'S STUFFING
IT WITH COLD CUTS.
I'M GOING DOWN TO THE STORE.
- I'LL BE DOWN AS SOON AS
I'VE GIVEN DOBIE HIS BREAKFAST.
- LOCK UP THE SUGAR, HUH?
- GOOD MORNING, GOOD
MORNING, GOOD MORNING,
GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- DRINK YOUR JUICE.
- SURE IS A BEAUTIFUL
DAY, ISN'T IT?
- I GUESS SO, DEAR. I
REALLY HADN'T NOTICED.
- I MEAN, IT'S A SPECIAL KIND
OF BEAUTIFUL DAY, YOU KNOW,
LIKE IT'S KIND OF A
SPECIAL KIND OF A DAY.
- HOW WILL YOU HAVE YOUR
EGGS, FRIED OR SCRAMBLED?
- IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GOING
TO SAY IS ABOUT EGGS?
- WELL, I HAVE TO KNOW
HOW YOU WANT THEM, DEAR.
- I GUESS I'M NOT
VERY HUNGRY, MOM.
I'LL JUST GET A CHOCOLATE
MILK DOWNSTAIRS.
- DOBIE.
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MOM.
IT'S OKAY.
- NO, IT ISN'T,
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE.
- GOOD MORNING, DAD.
- OH, YOU THINK SO, HUH?
- SURE IS A BEAUTIFUL
DAY, ISN'T IT?
- WELL, WHEN I GET A MINUTE,
I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT
YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAY.
ONLY BY THEN, IT'LL BE NIGHT.
- I MEAN, IT'S A SPECIAL KIND
OF BEAUTIFUL DAY, YOU KNOW,
LIKE A ONCE A YEAR DAY,
KIND OF A SPECIAL DAY.
- YOU MEAN A SPECIAL DAY LIKE
WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM SCHOOL
AND PUT ON AN APRON AND
GO TO WORK IN THE STORE?
- I GOTTA GO TO SCHOOL,
DAD. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- DOBIE.
- NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, DAD. OKAY.
- 17 YEARS AGO TODAY,
I WAS YELLING FOR A BOY.
OKAY. OKAY.
- MAYNARD.
- YEAH, I HEAR YOU, BIG DADDY.
- YOU EVER HAVE ANY
TROUBLE WITH YOUR PARENTS?
- WELL, I HAVE, LIKE, TROUBLE
WITH EVERYBODY'S PARENTS.
I KEEP SLIPPING THEM THE
SHOVEL, BUT THEY DON'T DIG.
ESPECIALLY MOTHERS AND FATHERS.
- I MEAN, HOW MUCH WOULD IT HAVE
COST THEM TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
AND GIVE ME A
COUPLE OF PRESENTS?
- MAN, IT REALLY
TURNS YOU ON, DON'T IT?
- IT'S NOT LIKE I
WANTED ANYTHING BIG.
I'D HAVE TAKEN ANYTHING,
JUST A TOKEN, LIKE A
CASHMERE JACKET MAYBE.
- YOU WANT SOME RECORDS.
- OR A CASHMERE SWEATER.
- OR SOME RECORDS.
- TWO LOUSY PRESENTS, AND
WHAT DO I GET? HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
NO, NOT EVEN HAPPY ORANGE JUICE.
SO LONG, MAYNARD.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- HOME.
- HOLD IT, MAN. I'LL,
LIKE, FLY WITH YOU.
HEY, DOBE, DID I WISH
YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
- NO.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANKS.
- OH, DEAR.
- OH, HI, MOM.
- OH, HELLO, DOBIE.
WELL, MAYNARD.
- MOM, MOM.
- MY, YOU'RE QUITE A STRANGER.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU SINCE YESTERDAY.
- YEAH, I'VE BEEN, LIKE, BUSY.
- MOM, COULD WE HAVE SOME
COOKIES AND CHOCOLATE MILK?
WE'RE GOING TO WATCH TV.
- WELL, I GUESS THAT
CAN BE ARRANGED, YES.
YOU GO ON INSIDE,
AND I'LL BRING YOU
THE COOKIES LATER.
- THANKS, MOM. COME ON, MAYNARD.
- NOT MAYNARD.
I SHALL NEED MAYNARD
TO HELP ME CARRY THE MILK.
- WELL, I COULD CARRY THE MILK.
- OH, NO, YOU GO ON INSIDE,
DEAR, AND WATCH YOUR TELEVISION.
MAYNARD LOVES TO CARRY
MILK. DON'T YOU, MAYNARD?
- OKAY.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS AWFUL.
- WHY?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WAS, LIKE, INVITED.
- I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY
THAT I WANTED YOU TO
KEEP DOBIE OUT OF HERE.
- MRS. GILLIS, I'M,
LIKE, CONFUSED.
HE'S YOUR SON. HE LIVES HERE.
- MAYNARD.
- I KNOW IT'S TOUGH, BUT
THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.
- MAYNARD, THE SURPRISE
PARTY. REMEMBER?
- SURPRISE PARTY? OH, YEAH.
I REMEMBER THE SURPRISE PARTY...
- SHH! THEY'LL BE HERE AT 6:00,
AND THAT'S WHY I
WANTED YOU TO KEEP DOBIE
OUT OF HERE UNTIL 6:15.
- OH, NOW I DIG.
YOU WANT US TO KEEP
DOBIE OUT UNTIL 6:15.
MRS. GILLIS, I'LL HAVE
HIM OUT OF HERE SO FAST,
IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SWIM
AS SOON AS WE EAT THESE.
- AND DON'T BRING
HIM BACK UNTIL 6:15.
- WHY SEND FOR THE MARINES
WHEN YOU CAN GET
MAYNARD G. KREBS?
- HERE ARE YOU, DOBE.
YOURS GOT SOME OF
THE MILK SPILLED ON IT.
HEY, DOBE. I GOT AN IDEA.
LET'S GO OVER TO MY HOUSE.
- WHAT FOR?
- WE COULD, LIKE,
WATCH TELEVISION.
- WE'RE WATCHING IT.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT RUNNING
DOWN TO WONG'S FOR A MALT?
- WE JUST HAD A MALT.
- WELL, WE COULD HAVE ANOTHER.
- YOU GOT ANY MONEY?
- NO.
DOBIE?
- YEAH?
- HOW ABOUT WE GO FOR A WALK?
- WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO GO FOR A WALK FOR?
- IT'S, LIKE, HEALTHY.
- I'M, LIKE, HEALTHY ENOUGH.
- HEY, THAT'S AN IDEA.
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE
RED CROSS AND GIVE BLOOD.
[ GUNSHOTS ]
HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT?
MAN, THAT'S SHOOTING.
I GOT IT. LET'S GO DOWN AND
SHOOT SOME POOL. COME ON.
- OH, I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO SHOOT POOL.
- WELL, WE COULD PLAY HANDBALL,
STICKBALL, HOPSCOTCH.
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- ME? NOTHING'S
THE MATTER WITH ME.
- THEN SIT DOWN AND WATCH
THE PICTURE AND SHUT UP.
- YOU JUST STAY THERE, MAN.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- OH, MRS. GILLIS?
- YES?
- YOU BETTER, LIKE,
SEND FOR THE MARINES.
- OH, DEAR.
- WINNIE, THE TELEVISION'S
ON. DOBIE'S HOME.
- I KNOW HE'S HOME.
- WELL, GET HIM OUT
OF HERE. IT'S ONLY 5:30.
I'VE GOT TO BRING UP ALL
THAT FOOD AND THE SODA,
AND WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
- HELLO, MR. GILLIS. I'M GOING
TO KEEP DOBIE OUT UNTIL 6:15.
- OH, GOOD.
- ONLY HE WON'T GO,
AND I TRIED EVERY TRICK I KNOW.
- THERE'S NO TRICK
TO GET DOBIE MOVING.
JUST USE PSYCHOLOGY.
DOBIE, I WAS THINKING, AS LONG
AS YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING,
MAYBE YOU'D GIVE ME A
HAND DOWN IN THE STORE.
- WHAT?
- I GOT A BIG ORDER TO FILL,
50 HAM SANDWICHES, TWO
QUARTS OF POTATO SALAD...
- OH, GEE, I ALMOST FORGOT.
MAYNARD AND I HAVE TO GO OUT.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- SIX CASES OF POTATO CHIPS.
- OH, THIS IS IMPORTANT,
REAL IMPORTANT, MAN.
- UH-HUH.
- 17 YEARS AGO TODAY,
I WAS YELLING FOR A BOY,
AND I'M STILL YELLING.
- WHY'D YOU TELL THEM TO
FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY?
- SO THEY WOULDN'T FORGET IT.
- OH.
- OH, LIFE'S A SHAMBLES.
THAT'S WHAT IT
IS. I'M GOING HOME.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
DOBE. YOU CAN'T.
- I CAN'T WHAT?
- HOW CAN YOU GO
HOME? IT'S NOT 6:00 YET.
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S
LIKE YOU GO HOME NOW,
IT'S DOWN TO THE SALT MINES.
- WHAT SALT MINES?
- THE STORE, MAN,
THE SANDWICH AND
POTATO SALAD FACTORY.
- OH, YEAH.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, I FORGOT.
I BETTER GO HOME ANYWAY.
- NO, DOBE, WAIT.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO DO.
- WE'LL FIND SOMETHING TO DO.
WE'LL, LIKE, LOOK AT GIRLS.
- AH, WHO WANTS
TO LOOK AT GIRLS?
WHAT GIRLS?
- OH, THE PARK'S
CRAWLING WITH THEM.
WE'LL JUST SIT HERE
AND LOOK. OKAY?
- OKAY.
I'M GOING HOME.
- NO, DOBE. I GOT ANOTHER IDEA.
HOW ABOUT GOING
TO THE MALT SHOP?
OH, I SAW A COUPLE OF REAL
COOL DAMES THERE YESTERDAY.
- HOW COOL?
- FROSTY COOL.
- OKAY. YOU KNOW, WHAT
IF THERE'S NO GIRLS?
- WE COULD HAVE ANOTHER MALT.
- WITH WHAT? WE'RE BROKE.
- DOBIE, WE CAN
ALWAYS GET MALT MONEY.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GOOD OLD GEORGIE.
- OKAY. HERE YOU GO, GEORGIE.
SIX EMPTY BOTTLES
AT A NICKEL APIECE.
THAT'S 30 CENTS. YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- AH, HELLO THERE, GEORGIE.
HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT, HUH?
HEY, YOU'RE DOING A
PRETTY GOOD BUSINESS
IN BOTTLES, AREN'T YOU?
THERE YOU ARE, A QUARTER
AND A NICE SHINY NICKEL.
PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DOBE?
- MAKING A NOTE.
I KEEP TABS ON ALL
THIS BOTTLE MONEY.
SOMEDAY, WHEN I'M VERY RICH,
I'M GOING TO PAY DAD EVERY
PENNY I TOOK OUT OF HERE.
- YOU'RE A GREAT HUMAN BEING.
- LET LOOSE, GEORGIE.
- LET LOOSE.
OKAY.
NOW, THERE'S A NICKEL FOR
YOU AND A QUARTER FOR ME.
GEORGIE, IF I TOLD YOU ONCE,
I TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES,
YOU GOT NO OVERHEAD.
IT'S ALL PROFIT.
- YEAH. THEY'RE DOBIE'S BOTTLES.
THEY'VE BEEN IN THE FAMILY
FOR YEARS. SO LONG, GEORGIE.
- SOMEDAY, I'LL GET
MY OWN BOTTLES
AND GO INTO BUSINESS FOR MYSELF.
- TWO SPECIALS, COMING UP.
- WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK THEY WENT TO,
LIKE, A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- SURE, SOME GUYS GET
PARTIES, AND THEN THERE'S ME.
- HEAVY ON THE CHOCOLATE, HUH.
- I'M ALREADY PUTTING
STRAWBERRIES.
- OH, YEAH, COOL.
- SOME BIRTHDAY.
- HEY, DOBE, DID I WISH
YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
- YEAH, MAYNARD. THANKS ANYWAY.
- OH.
- I CAME OVER AND...
- HEY, HEY, QUIET, EVERYBODY.
HE'LL BE HERE ANY SECOND NOW.
- I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO
SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.
- YEAH, MAYNARD'S
GOING TO BRING HIM
IN THROUGH THE STORE, SEE,
AND WHEN I HEAR THE
BELL, I'LL GO DOWNSTAIRS
LIKE NOTHING'S GOING
ON, AND THEN AS SOON AS
[ DING DONG ]
- HE'S HERE!
- I DON'T WANT
ANOTHER MALT, MAN.
THEY'RE COMING OUT OF MY EARS.
- OKAY THEN. WE'LL
HAVE A SUNDAE. CHARLIE?
- I HEAR YOU TALKING.
- DOBIE, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU OUGHT TO GET
BACK TO YOUR PAD?
- WHAT FOR?
- IT'S WHERE YOU LIVE.
- IT'S WHERE I LIVE. IF
I NEVER CAME HOME,
THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
- SURE, THEY WOULD. MAN, THERE'D
BE ALL THAT FOOD LEFT OVER.
- MAYBE I WON'T EVER GO HOME.
THEN THEY'LL
REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.
- AIN'T YOU EVEN GOING
TO GO HOME FOR DINNER?
- WHO CAN EAT WITH
A BROKEN HEART?
- WAIT'LL I GET MY
HANDS ON THAT MAYNARD.
I TOLD HIM 6:15.
IT'S AFTER 7:00.
[ DING DONG ]
HEY, SCRAMBLE!
- AGAIN?
- THAT'S HIM, THAT'S HIM.
- WELL, WE'RE SO CLOSE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO UP
AND JUST SAY, LIKE, HELLO?
- CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO GO UP AND SAY HELLO.
- DOBIE, ONE LOUSY
FLIGHT OF STAIRS,
ONE LOUSY HELLO.
- I SAID NO.
THEY WOULDN'T HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME.
I'M NOT GOING TO HELLO THEM.
- OOH, I'M GOING TO
GET, LIKE, MURDERED.
- LET LOOSE, GEORGIE.
- DOBE, IT'S YOUR
MOTHER AND FATHER.
JUST GO UPSTAIRS.
DON'T SAY HELLO TO THEM.
JUST NOD TO THEM.
- HERE'S YOUR NICKEL. NO.
- OOH, I'M GOING TO
GET, LIKE, MASSACRED.
- GEORGIE, THIS IS A
400-POUND TEST PADLOCK,
AND I HAVE THE ONLY KEY. TRUE?
YOU ARE FIVE YEARS OLD,
THREE FEET TALL AND
HAVE AN HONEST FACE.
TRUE? THEN WHY IS
IT I GET THE FEELING
THAT YOU ARE TAKING MY BOTTLES?
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE
TAKING THEM, GEORGIE,
BUT IF YOU ARE,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO GET?
- UH-HUH. A WAGON
TO HAUL BOTTLES IN.
- HERE, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
HERE, KITTY, KITTY.
POOR LITTLE KITTY,
POOR LITTLE HOMELESS KITTY,
YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.
I'LL MAKE A HOME
FOR YOU, FEED YOU.
YOU'LL HAVE SOMEBODY
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU,
JUST THE TWO OF US,
TWO OF A KIND AGAINST THE WORLD.
♪ BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE ♪
♪ THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME ♪
- WHY ARE YOU SINGING THAT?
- IT'S, LIKE, A HOME SONG.
- LISTEN, MAYNARD.
I'M NOT GOING HOME.
NOW, WILL YOU JUST CLAM UP
AND STOP TRYING TO
TALK ME INTO GOING HOME?
- I'M NOT TRYING TO TALK
YOU INTO GOING HOME.
WHY WOULD I TRY TO TALK
YOU INTO GOING HOME?
WELL, MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME.
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- WELL, IT BIT MY HAND.
- SAME HAND THAT GEORGIE BIT?
- NO, THE OTHER ONE.
EVERYBODY'S AGAINST
ME. KIDS, CATS, PEOPLE.
- DOBE?
- I AM NOT GOING HOME.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOTTA.
- DOBIE DOESN'T KNOW
ABOUT THE PARTY.
MAYNARD'S THE ONE WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO GET HIM HERE.
- OH, YEAH.
I GOTTA KILL THOSE
BOYS. I JUST GOTTA.
♪ HOME, HOME,
SWEET, SWEET HOME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE ME, OH, GIVE
ME THE PLEASURES OF HOME ♪
- WE'VE GOT TO FEED
THESE CHILDREN.
THEY MUST BE STARVING.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, WINNIE.
IT'S AFTER 9:00.
OKAY. ATTENTION,
KIDS. REFRESHMENTS.
[ CHEERS ]
- YES, SIR, NO PLACE LIKE HOME
ESPECIALLY, LIKE, NOW
WHEN THERE'S, LIKE,
NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
- YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME MUSIC?
- YEAH, SURE, SURE.
BUT LET'S GO HOME
AND HEAR SOME MUSIC.
- WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE
WE COULD KILL SOME TIME
AT RIFF RYAN'S RECORD SHOP.
- YEAH, YEAH, LIKE,
COOL, DADDY-O.
LET'S GO TO THE RECORD SHOP.
- BUT IF YOU'D RATHER GO HOME...
OH, NO, NO, LET'S GO
HEAR SOME PROGRESSIVE...
- OKAY.
- OH, NO, NO, COME TO
THINK OF IT, THOUGH.
I'D RATHER GO HOME. COME ON.
- NO, YOU WANTED TO RIFF
RYAN'S. WE'LL GO TO RIFF RYAN'S.
- NO, DOBE.
OH, OOH, I'M GOING TO
GET, LIKE, SLAUGHTERED.
OOH, OOH, OOH, DOBE.
- THE WHOLE OUTFIT,
LIST IS ONLY 300 SKINS.
WITH DISCOUNT FOR
CASH BRINGS IT TO 210,
AND WHOLESALE TO YOU IS 165,
AND THE HIP DISCOUNT IS 155.
- WILD, DADDY-O.
- WELL, YOU MIGHT AS
WELL GO THE WHOLE ROUTE.
NOW, WHEN IS THE
BEST TIME TO DIG JAZZ?
- LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE IN THE A.M.
- AND WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU DIG JAZZ
AT, LIKE, FOUR OR
FIVE IN THE A.M.?
- THE NEIGHBORS,
LIKE, CALL THE LAW.
- SO IT'S A DEFINITE HEADSET.
TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
A PAIR OF EARPHONES.
NOW, YOU PUT THESE EARPHONES,
LIKE, ON YOUR SKULL, SEE?
AND TURN THE MUSIC WAY DOWN LOW.
THEN YOU TURN THE EARPHONES
WAY UP GOOD AND
LOUD, SO YOU CAN DIG IT.
NOW THE UPSTAIRS
SQUARES DON'T HEAR NOTHING,
AND THE MAN IN BLUE
DON'T COME GET YOU.
- LIKE, CRAZY, BIG
DADDY. GIVE ME A SEC.
- GOT YOU COVERED. FAR-OUT GIRL,
I'LL GET A FRESH
PAIR, BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHEN I HAVE A KID,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM THE
BIGGEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT
YOU EVER SAW.
EVEN IF HE HATES
BIRTHDAY PRESENTS,
HE'LL GET 'EM AND LIKE 'EM.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'M GONNA DO?
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO-DO-DO, DADDY-O?
- I'M GOING TO WISH
HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY
50 TIMES A DAY, MAYBE 100.
- YEAH, RIFF NEVER
PLAYS HIS RECORDS RIGHT.
HE OUGHT TO, LIKE,
TURN THE VOLUME UP,
WAY UP.
[ POPS ]
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
- LIKE, WHAT'S THE
IDEA, MAYNARD?
- FAR-OUT GIRL? HONEY?
LIKE, YOU WANT TO BUY
THE SET? LIKE, WAIT A MINUTE.
LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING, FAR-OUT GIRL?
- FARTHER OUT.
- LIKE, OUT.
- WHAT'S, LIKE,
THE MATTER, RIFF?
- I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES
NOT TO TOUCH THEM KNOBS.
YOU JUST LOST ME A CASH CAT.
THAT WAS FAR-OUT GIRL.
- THAT WAS THE FAR-OUT GIRL?
- LIKE, YEAH.
SHE ONLY WORKS 'CAUSE
SHE'S A PROTEST CAT.
HER OLD MAN IS, LIKE, IN
THE MILLIONAIRE BUSINESS,
AND I JUST GOT
HI-FI ON HER BACK.
I HAD HER COMING IN WEEK
AFTER WEEK FOR ALBUMS,
FOR DIAMOND NEEDLES,
FOR ANTI-STATIC SPRAY,
MULTIPLE SPEAKERS,
AND THEN FINALLY, I GOT
HER HOOKED ON STEREO.
THAT'S A LOT OF
BREAD TO ME, MAN.
I MEAN, SHE WAS, LIKE, A
WALKING ANNUITY TO ME,
AND YOU HAD TO LOUSE IT UP.
- I'M, LIKE, SORRY, RIFF.
- YOU'RE GETTING ME TAPPED OUT,
TAPIOCA CITY, BANKRUPTSVILLE.
I MEAN, YOU PLAY THEM
RECORDS LIKE 2-300 TIMES,
THEY'RE SO THIN, THEY
PLAY BOTH SIDES AT ONCE.
I MEAN, MAN, YOU KNOW
SOMEBODY COMES IN HERE
WITH A FISTFUL OF THEM
PRESIDENT'S PICTURES,
HE WANTS TO BUY A RECORD.
HE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE
FLIP SIDE AT THE SAME TIME.
I MEAN, THAT JUST
AIN'T RIGHT, MAN.
- YOU COOLING ME, RIFF?
- LIKE, YEAH.
- THAT'S, LIKE, ROUGH, RIFF.
- WHAT CAN I DO, MAYNARD?
I MEAN, I, LIKE, LIKE YOU.
- LIKE, THANKS.
- BUT I CAN'T AFFORD YOU.
I MEAN, I GOT, LIKE,
A WIFE AND, LIKE...
- LIKE, KIDS?
- YEAH, THEY ARE
A LITTLE LIKE KIDS,
BUT THEY'RE LOOKING
TO ME FOR BREAD
AND A PAD AND ALL THAT JAZZ.
NOW, IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR
WAY CLEAR TO TAKE A CAB,
I'D, LIKE, APPRECIATE IT.
- CAN I HEAR JUST ONE RECORD?
- ALL RIGHT. WHAT?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
- YEAH, I HEARD A REAL NICE
RECORDING A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
I THINK IT WAS LAWRENCE WELK.
- LAWRENCE WELK?
- LAWRENCE WELK?
- IT GAVE ME KIND OF
A LUMP IN THE THROAT.
- DOBIE, LIKE, OUT.
- BUT...
- LIKE SPLIT, LIKE, NOW.
- WE GOT NO PLACE TO GO.
- WHAT ABOUT THE BIJOU?
THE MOVIE'S A GAS, "THE MONSTER
WHO DEVOURED CLEVELAND."
- WELL, NO, THE
WAY I FEEL TONIGHT,
I'D BE ROOTING FOR THE MONSTER.
- WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, SCHOOL?
- AT NIGHT?
- NIGHT SCHOOL?
- NO, RIFF.
- WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, HOME?
- HEY, THAT'S A
SWINGIN' IDEA, RIFF.
YOU GOT A HIP HEAD
ON YOUR SHOULDERS.
COME ON, DOBE. WE'LL GO HOME.
- OKAY. WE MIGHT AS WELL.
- LIKE, SO LONG.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE.
- SEE YOU LATER.
- LIKE, REAL LATER,
LIKE, NEVER.
CAL FINK.
DO YOU WANT TO COME UP?
- NO, BUT I THINK I BETTER.
HEY, LOOK. SOMEBODY
FORGOT A PICKLE.
MAYBE I COULD MAIL IT TO THEM.
- NOW, HERBERT.
- I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH
EATING SINCE THE MESS HALL.
- WELL, THEY'RE HEALTHY KIDS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
EVERYBODY'S GOT
HEALTHY KIDS BUT ME.
MINE, HE'S SICK, SICK, SICK.
- WHY, HERBERT.
- WELL, WHAT ELSE CAN
YOU SAY ABOUT A KID
THAT DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP
AT HIS OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY?
- IT'S, LIKE, OVER, HUH?
- I OUGHT TO, LIKE,
BREAK YOUR NECK.
- WHAT'S ALL THESE DISHES?
DID YOU HAVE SOME PEOPLE OVER?
- YES, WE HAD SOME PEOPLE OVER.
WE HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE OVER,
AND THEY ATE A LOT OF FOOD,
AND IT COST A LOT OF MONEY.
- DOBIE, YOU MISSED YOUR
WHOLE BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- PARTY? YOU MEAN YOU
WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE
JUST BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY?
- WELL, NATURALLY.
- MOM, HOW MANY
TIMES DID I TELL YOU,
BIRTHDAYS ARE FOR KIDS.
NOW, WHAT DID YOU AND DAD
HAVE TO GO AND GIVE ME A
PARTY FOR? WHO NEEDS IT?
- HEY, SON.
- HMM? WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY.
- AW, GEE, THANKS, DAD.
- GO ON. MAKE A WISH, HUH?
- AW, NOT ME, DAD. I'VE
GOT EVERYTHING I WANT.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪