The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 10 - It Takes Two - full transcript

Dobie falls for Poppy Herming but has to win her father's approval too.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS.

THIS IS WHERE I COME TO THINK
WHEN I'M IN TROUBLE, LIKE NOW.

WHAT TROUBLE? SAME TROUBLE,

ALWAYS THE SAME TROUBLE, GIRLS.

NOW, I'M NOT A
CASANOVA, MIND YOU.

A CASANOVA WANTS A HAREM.

ALL I WANT IS A WIFE

OR A SWEETHEART OR A PAL

OR EVEN SOMEONE
WHO TREATS ME ROTTEN,



JUST AS LONG AS SHE'S A GIRL.

BUT HOW DO YOU GET GIRLS
IF YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY?

YOU DON'T, AND I WON'T

BECAUSE ON THAT GREAT GOLDEN
HIGHWAY BETWEEN ME AND MONEY,

THERE LIES A ROADBLOCK,

AN IMMOVABLE ROADBLOCK.

- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOTTA.

- NOW, HERBERT,
THE BOY HAS TO EAT.

- DOES HE HAVE TO EAT CHOCOLATE
CREAMS AT 90 CENTS A POUND?

CAN'T HE EAT GINGERSNAPS?

- DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION
TO YOUR FATHER, DEAR.

HE REALLY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.
- HOW CAN YOU TELL?

- BOY, DON'T GIVE
ME ANY TROUBLE.

ALL I EVER WANTED
WAS A FOX TERRIER.

- NOW, HERBERT.
- OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM.

I UNDERSTAND. HARD
WORK, THAT'S WHAT'S DONE IT.

THAT'LL SHAKE UP ANYBODY.

- WINIFRED, I GOTTA
KILL THAT BOY. PLEASE?

- AW, DAD, ALWAYS CLOWNING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

- DAD? I GUESS YOU WON'T
GIVE ME ANY MONEY, WILL YOU?

- THAT IS A VERY SHREWD GUESS.
- SO WHERE AM I GOING TO GET IT?

- WELL, YOU COULD ROLL A DRUNK.

- DAD?
- TIME FOR SCHOOL, DOBIE.

- WELL, GOODBYE,
MOM. GOODBYE, DAD.

NO WONDER THEY CALL
US THE BEAT GENERATION.

- HAVE A NICE DAY, DEAR.

AH, SPEAKING OF MONEY,
HAVE YOU THOUGHT IT OVER?

- THOUGHT WHAT OVER?

- YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL
WHAT. I NEED A NEW DRESS.

- YES, I HAVE THOUGHT IT OVER,

LONG AND CAREFULLY.
- YES.

- AND THERE'S NO ONE DESERVES
A NEW DRESS MORE THAN YOU DO.

- THANK YOU.
- YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD WIFE,

LOYAL, TRUE, UNCOMPLAINING.
- THANK YOU.

- IN FACT, YOU'VE BEEN
MORE THAN A GOOD WIFE.

YOU HAVE BEEN A GOOD FRIEND.

- THANK YOU.
- AND WHEN I THINK

OF OUR YEARS TOGETHER,
THOSE WONDERFUL YEARS.

- NO MONEY.
- NO MONEY.

- ALL RIGHT.

- WELL, WHERE DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING?

- TO ROLL A DRUNK.

[ CASH REGISTER RINGS ]

- [ SCATTING ]

- HI, MAYNARD.
- HI, BIG DADDY.

- HOW'S THE BEARD COMING?

- OH, LOOK. PRETTY GOOD
FOR ONLY EIGHT MONTHS, HUH?

- GREAT. HEY, MAYNARD,
YOU GOT ANY MONEY?

- OH, I'M, LIKE, TAPPED, MAN.

- WELL, THANKS ANYHOW.

- HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD,
LIKE, SELL SOMETHING.

- I SOLD EVERYTHING I OWN.

YOU GOT ANYTHING LEFT TO SELL?

- NO. THESE CLOTHES, MAYBE.

- THANKS ANYWAY,
BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

HEY, MAYNARD.

DO YOU SEE WHAT
I SEE OVER THERE?

- YEAH.

- AIN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

- THE BLACKBOARD?
- THAT GIRL, THAT SMASHING GIRL.

WHO IS SHE?

- BEATS ME, MAN.
- SEE YOU LATER.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

- GOOD MORNING, CLASS.

TODAY, WE WILL
CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION

OF HEREDITY VERSUS ENVIRONMENT.

NOW, WHAT IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR

IN THE DEVELOPMENT
OF PERSONALITY,

THE TRAITS HANDED
DOWN BY OUR PARENTS

OR THE SURROUNDINGS
IN WHICH WE GROW UP?

HEREDITY OR ENVIRONMENT?

- MY NAME IS DOBIE
GILLIS. YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

- MY NAME'S POPPY
HERRING. THANK YOU.

- NO, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LIPS, YOUR
EYES, YOUR FACE, YOUR FORM.

- OH, IT'S NOTHING.
- NOTHING, SHE SAYS.

WILL YOU GO STEADY WITH ME?

- THAT DEPENDS.
- ON WHAT?

- WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
COMPLICATED,

TAKES QUITE A WHILE TO EXPLAIN.

- MR. GILLIS,

MR. GILLIS, AM I DISTURBING YOU?

- I'M PERFECTLY ALL
RIGHT. GO AHEAD, SIR.

- NOW, WITH MR. GILLIS'
KIND PERMISSION,

I WILL CONTINUE.

HEREDITY, I SAY,

IS JUST AS IMPORTANT
AS ENVIRONMENT.

THE TRAITS OF YOUR PARENTS,
BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL,

ARE TRANSMITTED
THROUGH THE GENES.

G-E-N-E-S GENES.

THESE ARE TINY
COMPONENTS WITHIN THE BODY,

AND THEY PASS FROM
GENERATION TO GENERATION.

FOR INSTANCE, SHORT PARENTS
PRODUCE SHORT CHILDREN,

KIND PARENTS
PRODUCE KIND CHILDREN,

CRUEL PARENTS
PRODUCE CRUEL CHILDREN.

SOMETIMES IT WILL
SKIP A GENERATION,

BUT IT'S IN THE GENES,
AND SOONER OR LATER,

IT'S MATHEMATICALLY
CERTAIN TO REAPPEAR.

- WHERE WERE WE?

- YOU WERE ASKING
ME TO GO STEADY.

- OH, WILL YOU?
- THAT DEPENDS.

- ON WHAT?
- WELL, IT'S LITTLE COMPLICATED,

TAKES QUITE A WHILE TO EXPLAIN.

- WELL, LET'S HAVE
DINNER TONIGHT.

YOU CAN TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

- THAT SOUNDS MARVY.
- YEAH.

SAY, DO YOU LIKE CHICKEN
AND HAM AND TURKEY

AND ARTICHOKE HEARTS AND
LOBSTER AND THINGS LIKE THAT?

- OH, YES, BUT ISN'T THAT
DREADFULLY EXPENSIVE?

- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

SOME MORE LOBSTER?
- NO, THANK YOU.

- VIENNA SAUSAGE?
- NO, THANK YOU.

- I KNOW. HOW ABOUT SOME OLIVES?
- WELL...

- NICE LOVELY RIPE OLIVES,
65 CENTS A JAR, WONDERFUL.

- GEE.
- TRY SOME.

- MM, GOOD.
- WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING ELSE?

- NO, THANK YOU.
- ALL RIGHT THEN. TELL ME NOW.

WHAT IS IT YOU WANTED TO ASK ME?

- A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION.

- YES, MY DARLING,
YES, MY PRECIOUS DOVE?

- HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT CHILDREN?

- OH, I CAN TAKE
THEM OR LEAVE THEM.

- IN THAT CASE,
YOU'RE NOT FOR ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR DINNER.

- OH, WAIT! I'M ONLY FOOLING.

I'M MAD ABOUT CHILDREN.
IN FACT, EVERY MORNING,

I RUSH TO MY DOORSTEP,

HOPING SOMEBODY'S LEFT A
FOUNDLING DURING THE NIGHT.

- GOOD! YOU ARE
JUST THE KIND OF MAN

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.

- YOUR SEARCH HAS ENDED, MADAM.
- YOU'RE CUTE.

- YOU ARE THE SUN AND THE MOON.

- AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, HOW MANY
CHILDREN WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE?

- 14.
- I DIDN'T PLAN ON THAT MANY.

I WAS THINKING THREE.
- OH, HECK.

- THEY WILL BE
WONDERFUL CHILDREN.

I'VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

- TELL ME ABOUT IT, MY
LOVE, MY OWN, MY TIGER.

- THE FIRST WILL BE A BOY.
HIS NAME WILL BE HOWARD,

AND HE'LL HAVE LOTS
AND LOTS OF FRECKLES.

- FRECKLES?
- DON'T YOU LIKE FRECKLES?

- DO YOU?
- I THINK THEY'RE JUST DARLING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK THEY ARE?

- WHAT?
- JUST DARLING.

- ME, TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]

- YEAH. TELL ME MORE
ABOUT LITTLE HOBART.

- HOBART?
- YEAH, I MEAN, HOWARD.

- HE'LL BE A STURDY
LITTLE CHAP, OUR HOWARD,

WITH BIG BROAD SHOULDERS
AND A DEEP CHEST

AND FINE STRONG LEGS.

- THIS KID'LL EAT ME
OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME.

- NEXT WILL COME A GIRL,

CELESTE, CELESTE, MY
LITTLE DOLL, CELESTE,

MY SWEET PALE BABY.
- PALE?

- YES, CELESTE WILL
BE PALE, OH, SO PALE.

SHE WON'T ROMP AND
PLAY LIKE OTHER CHILDREN.

SHE'LL JUST SIT QUIETLY
AND LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

AND SMILE LONG,
SAD, SECRET SMILES.

- THAT'S ALL SHE DOES?

- THAT'S ALL.
- SWELL.

- AND NEXT WILL COME NANETTE,

STURDY LITTLE NANETTE,
STURDY, ROLY-POLY NANETTE.

- ANOTHER BIG EATER.
- OH, DOBIE, I THINK PARENTHOOD

IS JUST ABOUT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

I MEAN, IT'S WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT, ISN'T IT,

BRINGING LIFE INTO THE WORLD,

LOVING, CARING,
SHARING YOUR WISDOM,

WATCHING THE NEW GENERATION
GROW STRAIGHT AND TALL.

- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- IT'S REALLY ALL
THAT MATTERS, DOBIE.

- HOW ABOUT SOME CHEESE?

- OH, I COULDN'T. IT WAS
SUCH A GOOD DINNER.

- WELL, WE'LL HAVE
DINNER HERE OFTEN.

- AND MAYBE LUNCH, TOO.

- NO, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
MY FATHER WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

- WHY NOT?

- WELL, IT'S KIND
OF A HARD THING

TO SAY ABOUT YOUR OWN FATHER,

BUT WELL, HE'S A
PATHOLOGICAL MISER.

I MEAN, I LOVE HIM AND ALL THAT,

BUT LET'S FACE IT,

HE'S A PATHOLOGICAL MISER.
- HE IS?

- YEAH, HE GIVES ME HARDLY
ENOUGH MONEY TO SUSTAIN LIFE.

- HOW AWFUL!
- IT'S A WONDER I'M STILL HERE

TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

- YOU POOR WRETCHED BOY.
- BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

I'VE GOT YOU.
- OH, NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

- HAVEN'T WHAT?
- HAVEN'T GOT ME.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER
WHAT MR. POMFRITT

SAID THIS MORNING?

- MR. POMFRITT, THE TEACHER?

- ABOUT GENES AND
HEREDITY AND ALL THAT STUFF.

- NO.
- DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

THE TRAITS OF YOUR PARENTS
SHOW UP IN YOUR OWN PERSONALITY

LIKE SHORT PARENTS
PRODUCE SHORT CHILDREN,

AND KIND PARENTS
PRODUCE KIND CHILDREN,

AND CRUEL PARENTS
PRODUCE CRUEL CHILDREN.

- BUT LOOK AT ME. I'M NOT CRUEL.

IN FACT, I'M ONE OF
THE REALLY SWEET GUYS

IN THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT.

- MAYBE SO, BUT THE
PROFESSOR COVERED THAT.

HE SAID SOMETIMES
IT SKIPS A GENERATION,

BUT IT'S BOUND TO SHOW
UP SOONER OR LATER.

IT'S IN THE GENES.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
- NO, DOBIE.

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT PARENTHOOD.

DO YOU THINK I'D WANT YOUR
FATHER'S MEAN OLD GENES

SHOWING UP IN MY CHILDREN?

- POPPY, I THINK
THERE'S A DEFINITE...

- GOODBYE, DOBIE.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO FIND ANOTHER MAN.

- WELL, YOU CAN'T
DO THAT! I LOVE YOU.

- AND I LOVE YOU, DOBIE,

BUT WE'VE GOT TO
THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

SURELY YOU UNDERSTAND THAT,

A MAN WHO LOVES
CHILDREN THE WAY YOU DO.

- OH, YEAH.

- GOODBYE, DOBIE.

- BUT, BUT, POPPY?

♪ DOBIE ♪

- I HAVE FOUND THERE
ARE FEW PROBLEMS

WHICH WILL NOT YIELD
TO THE HOT WHITE LIGHT

OF SUSTAINED THINKING.

NOW, I'VE GOT A
PROBLEM WITH POPPY,

A BIG FAT PROBLEM.

SHE WON'T SEE ME,
SHE WON'T TALK TO ME,

SHE WON'T OPEN MY NOTES.

DO I GIVE UP? NO, SIR.

I PUT MY BRAIN TO WORK
ON IT. I'VE GOT A PLAN.

- [ SCATTING ] HEY, BIG DADDY.

- DID YOU GIVE
POPPY THE MESSAGE?

- YEAH, MAN.
- YOU TOLD HER IT

WAS AN EMERGENCY?
- OH, LIKE, LIFE AND DEATH, MAN.

- WELL?
- SHE'S GOING TO BE HERE,

LIKE, IN TWO MINUTES.
- GOOD LAD.

AH, MAYNARD, YOU OUGHT
TO GET YOURSELF A GIRL.

- OH, NOT ME, BIG
DADDY. I'VE TRIED GIRLS,

AND IT'S, LIKE, NOWHERE.

THEY SPEND MY MONEY, THEY
WON'T KISS ME GOOD NIGHT,

AND THEY GIGGLE ABOUT
ME IN THE POWDER ROOM.

YOU TRY GIRLS IF YOU WANT
TO. ME, I'M STICKING TO JAZZ.

[ SCATTING ]

- WHAT'S THE BIG EMERGENCY?

- THE EMERGENCY IS I
CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

- NOW, DOBIE, I TOLD YOU...

- POPPY, I HAVE A
CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I WAS LYING TO YOU
ABOUT MY FATHER.

HE'S NOT CRUEL AT ALL.
- THEN WHY'D YOU SAY HE WAS?

- JUST TRYING TO WIN
YOUR SYMPATHY IS ALL.

- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

- OH, HONEST, POPPY.
HE'S A GREAT GUY, A PRINCE,

ONE OF THE SWEETEST, GENTLEST,

MOST GENEROUS MEN
I EVER MET IN MY LIFE,

AND I WANT YOU TO MEET
HIM, TOO, SEE FOR YOURSELF

WHAT A PERFECTLY
MARVELOUS MAN HE REALLY IS.

WHY DON'T I PICK YOU
UP THIS AFTERNOON

AND TAKE YOU OVER TO
THE STORE TO MEET HIM?

- PICK ME UP IN WHAT?
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CAR.

- OH, YOU'LL SEE.

- ALL RIGHT, DOBIE. GOODBYE.

- GOODBYE? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I HAVE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO DO.

- WELL, WHAT'S MORE
IMPORTANT THAN SITTING WITH ME?

- BABYSITTING.

SURELY YOU UNDERSTAND THAT,

A MAN WHO LOVES
BABIES THE WAY YOU DO.

- OH, YEAH. GOODBYE,
LITTLE MOTHER.

WELL, I'VE GOT AN
EASY AFTERNOON.

ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS TURN MY FATHER

INTO A SWEET, KIND,
GENTLE, CONSIDERATE MAN.

- NO! NO, I CAN'T WAIT
UNTIL TOMORROW.

YOU GET OUT HERE AND FIX
THIS CASH REGISTER TODAY!

WHAT KIND OF SERVICE DO
YOU PEOPLE GIVE ANYWAY?

SO? THE CASH
REGISTER'S 25 YEARS OLD.

WHY SHOULDN'T IT WORK?

I'M 45 YEARS OLD,
AND I'M STILL WORKING.

TODAY, DO YOU HEAR?

- MY, YOU'RE IN A
JOLLY MOOD TODAY.

- AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
- WELL.

- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW
HAT TO GO WITH THAT NEW DRESS?

- OF COURSE.
- YOU'VE GOT IT, BABY.

- MY, I WISH I HAD A WITNESS.
- NO, HONEST.

THE HAT'S YOURS, SCOUTS HONOR.

- WHY, THANK YOU, DEAR.

I GUESS I SHOULDN'T
ASK, BUT WHAT HAPPENED?

- WELL, I WAS CHECKING
THE STOCK THIS MORNING,

AND YOU KNOW ALL
THOSE GOURMET ITEMS

WE THOUGHT WE WERE
STUCK WITH, THE FANCY STUFF,

THE CANNED LOBSTER, RIPE OLIVES,

IMPORTED SARDINES,
ARTICHOKE HEARTS.

WELL, THEY'VE BEEN MOVING.

- THEY HAVE?
- THEY HAVE.

AT LEAST THEY'RE GONE, SO
SOMEBODY MUST'VE BOUGHT THEM.

- I SUPPOSE SO.

- YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF PROFIT IN THOSE ITEMS,

AND I FIGURED WHY SHOULDN'T
MY WINNIE GET IN ON IT, TOO.

- YOU'RE SWEET, HERBERT.

- OH, YOU'RE SUGAR, BROWN,
POWDERED AND GRANULATED.

- YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, HERBERT.

- AND YOU'RE A
GOOD WOMAN, WINNIE.

- AND WE HAVE A GOOD SON.

- THAT'S OPEN TO DEBATE.
- NOW, HERBERT.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HE'S A GOOD KID, BUT...
- BUT NOTHING.

SOMEDAY, YOU'RE GOING
TO BE VERY PROUD OF HIM.

- THE DAY I'LL BE PROUD OF HIM

IS THE DAY HE
WALKS IN THAT DOOR,

AND WITHOUT ANYBODY
ASKING HIM PUTS ON AN APRON

AND GOES TO WORK.

WHAT ARE YOU MADE UP FOR?

- I'M REPORTING FOR WORK, DAD.

[ CRASH ]

- I THOUGHT I HEARD HIM SAY
HE WANTED TO GO TO WORK.

- YOU DID, DEAR. I TOLD
YOU HE WAS A GOOD BOY.

- YOU ALSO TOLD ME THE DODGERS
WOULD NEVER LEAVE BROOKLYN.

- WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE ME TO DO FIRST, DAD?

- WELL, FIRST, I'D
LIKE YOU TO TELL ME

WHAT'S ON THAT TWISTED
LITTLE MIND OF YOURS.

- NOTHING. I JUST THOUGHT I'D
LIKE TO HELP OUT, THAT'S ALL.

- WHY ARE YOU SO
SUSPICIOUS, DEAR?

- WHY? FOR 17 YEARS, THE
ONLY TIME HE SETS FOOT

IN THE STORE IS TO
ROB THE CASH REGISTER.

NOW HE COMES IN AND SAYS
HE WANTS TO GO TO WORK.

IT FIGURES.

- I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, DAD.
- OH, NOW, THERE'S A SWITCH.

- I DO WANT SOMETHING.

- UH-HUH. WHAT IS IT?

- A KIND WORD.

- HOW'S THAT AGAIN?

- DAD, IF I WORKED
HARD ALL MORNING,

AND IF I WENT OUT THIS AFTERNOON
AND DELIVERED ALL YOUR ORDERS,

WHEN I CAME BACK,
WHAT WOULD YOU BE LIKE?

- I'D BE, LIKE, IN A COMA.

- NOW, LOOK, SERIOUSLY, DAD.

IF I BROUGHT SOMEBODY
BACK TO SEE YOU, A GIRL, SAY,

WOULDN'T YOU BE SWEET
AND KIND AND GENTLE TO ME?

- YOU DO A FULL DAY'S WORK,

AND I'LL BE SO SWEET
AND KIND AND GENTLE,

THERE WON'T BE A
DRY EYE IN THE HOUSE.

- DONE AND DONE.

NOW, FOR A STARTER,

HOW ABOUT IF I
SWEEP UP THE PLACE?

[ HUMS ]

- WELL, SMARTY-PANTS. HOW
DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THAT?

- IT'S VERY SIMPLE. HE'S UNDER
THE SPELL OF AN EVIL WITCH.

- YOU KNOW, THIS
IS THE FIRST TIME

I'VE EVER RIDDEN
IN A TRUCK. IT'S FUN.

- LISTEN, YOU
STICK WITH ME, KID,

AND BEFORE LONG, I'LL
HAVE YOU RIDING IN DIESELS,

TRACTORS, MOVING
VANS. [ LAUGHTER ]

- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

- AND YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL
AND WONDERFUL AND EXCITING

AND ROUND AND WHITE
AND PINK AND LOVEABLE.

- THANK YOU, DOBIE.
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]

BUT YOU MUSTN'T TALK LIKE THAT,

NOT UNTIL AFTER I MEET
YOUR FATHER ANYHOW.

REMEMBER, WE'RE A
SEPARATED COUPLE.

- OH, NOT FOR LONG, NO.
NO, WAIT TILL YOU MEET DAD.

WHAT A DARLING, SWEET,
TENDER, LOVING MAN.

- WE'LL SEE.

- HEY, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE AN APPLE?

- DOESN'T IT BELONG
TO THE PEOPLE

WHO ORDERED THOSE GROCERIES?

- AH, THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE IT.

HERE, BE MY GUEST.

- THANK YOU. HMM. GOOD.
- YEAH.

- WHY, HELLO, MR. PHILLIPS.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.

- WE DON'T GET TO SEE YOU
AROUND HERE VERY OFTEN.

- NO, I JUST HAPPENED
TO HAVE THE DAY OFF.

I WAS AT HOME WHEN
THE GROCERIES ARRIVED.

- OH, EVERYTHING'S
ALL RIGHT, ISN'T IT?

- DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW HOW
MANY APPLES MY WIFE WANTED?

- SIX POUNDS, I FILLED
THE ORDER MYSELF.

- AND GRAPES?
- TWO POUNDS.

- UH-HUH. SIX POUNDS OF APPLES

AND TWO POUNDS OF GRAPES.

- WHY, I'M TERRIBLY
SORRY, MR. PHILLIPS.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
HOW IT HAPPENED.

- WE'LL MAKE IT GOOD RIGHT AWAY.

- NO, NO, THANK YOU.
- NO?

- MR. GILLIS, DO YOU
KNOW WHERE I WORK?

- I BELIEVE IT'S THE
CITY HALL, ISN'T IT?

- DEPARTMENT OF
WEIGHTS AND MEASURES.

EXHIBIT A, EXHIBIT
B AND A SUMMONS,

ROOM 306 AT 9:00
TOMORROW MORNING.

BE THERE.

- I THINK IT'S JUST WONDERFUL

THE WAY YOU DELIVER
ALL THESE ORDERS, DOBIE.

- OH, IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.

- HOW DO YOU REMEMBER
WHERE EACH ONE GOES?

- I GOT MY OWN SYSTEM,
PRETTY INGENIOUS, I MUST SAY.

I MAKE UP LITTLE
POEMS FOR EACH ORDER.

- LITTLE POEMS, HOW DIVINE.

- YEAH, LIKE A BOX OF
BERRY FOR MRS. MACRARY

OR A BOTTLE OF
BLUING FOR MRS. EWING

OR A CASE OF BEER FOR MRS. LEAR.

- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE SO CLEVER.
- TRUE,

AND I'VE GOT A
SWEET, GENTLE FATHER.

- WE'LL SEE.
- YOU'LL SEE.

- OH, HELLO, MRS. LEAR.

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DID YOUR LUNCHEON GO?

- VERY ANIMATED, VERY LIVELY.
- WELL, THAT'S NICE.

- OH? YOU THINK IT
WAS NICE, DO YOU?

- WASN'T IT?
- WAS IT?

- OH, I'M SURE IT
WAS, MRS. LEAR.

EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT YOUR
WEDNESDAY LUNCHEON MEETINGS.

WHY, THEY'RE LEGENDARY.
- THANK YOU,

AND WHO COMES TO MY
WEDNESDAY LUNCHEONS, MRS. GILLIS?

- YOUR CLUB, THE MILITANT
WOMEN'S LEAGUE AGAINST ALCOHOL.

- CORRECT, THE MILITANT
WOMEN'S LEAGUE AGAINST ALCOHOL

OF WHICH I WAS THE PRESIDENT
UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON.

AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY I AM NO LONGER PRESIDENT?

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
- WHAT HAPPENED, MRS. LEAR?

- YOUR SON... WHAT'S
HIS NAME? DOPEY?

- WELL, THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.

- YOUR SON, DOPEY,

CAME INTO MY HOUSE
CARRYING A CASE OF BEER,

A CASE OF BEER.

- OH, NO!
- OH, YES!

AND THIS IS WHY I AM
NO LONGER PRESIDENT.

MY ATTORNEY TELLS ME

I HAVE A CLEAR CASE OF
DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER.

- AND YOU, I TAKE IT,
ARE HER ATTORNEY.

- ROOM 409, CITY HALL,
TOMORROW MORNING, 9:00.

- BUT, MISTER, I
CAN'T MAKE IT AT 9:00.

- BE THERE.

- WELL, THAT'S THE LAST OF THEM.

- YOU MEAN WE'RE ALL THROUGH?
- YEAH.

- OH, HECK, THIS IS FUN.

- WANNA RIDE AROUND SOME MORE?
- COULD WE?

- SURE THING. HOW'D YOU
LIKE TO TAKE THE WHEEL?

- OH, I CAN'T DRIVE.
- YOU CAN'T DRIVE?

HERE, TAKE THE
WHEEL. I'LL TEACH YOU.

- NOW? BUT LOOK ALL THOSE
CARS. I'LL HIT SOMEONE.

- SAY, TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'LL GO WAY OUT TO
THE END OF ELM STREET.

IT'S REAL COUNTRY OUT THERE,
NOBODY AROUND FOR MILES.

- GEE, I DON'T KNOW, DOBIE.

- GOSH, JUST PUT YOURSELF
IN MY CAPABLE HANDS.

- OH, DOBIE.
[ LAUGHS ]

- GOOD AFTERNOON.
MY NAME IS TURNBY.

- YES?
- I AM A BIRD WATCHER.

- WELL, THERE ARE
NO BIRDS IN HERE.

- TRUE, BUT YOU KNOW WHERE
THERE'S HEAPS OF THEM?

- LOOK, MISTER. I GOT
LOTS OF TROUBLE TODAY.

- AT THE END OF ELM STREET.
THERE'S HEAPS OF BIRDS.

- SWELL.

- KNOW WHAT I SAW OUT
THERE A LITTLE WHILE AGO?

- A DOUBLE-BREASTED SEERSUCKER.
- THIS TIME OF THE YEAR?

- WHAT DID YOU SEE, MR. TURNBY?

- A TRUCK, YOUR TRUCK,
GILLIS GROCERY, IT SAID.

- YES?
- IT WAS GOING RATHER FAST.

- YES?

- ABOUT 70, I'D SAY,
OR PERHAPS 80.

- OH, DEAR.

- THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET.
- OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.

- WITH A LITTLE
GIRL AT THE WHEEL.

- OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.
- OH, THE BIRDS WERE FRIGHTENED.

THE AUDUBON SOCIETY TAKES A
DIM VIEW OF FRIGHTENING BIRDS.

INDEED, IT IS AGAINST THE LAW.

- ALL RIGHT. LET'S HAVE IT.

- ROOM 127, CITY HALL,

TOMORROW MORNING.
- AT 9:00.

- WHY, YES.
- IT FIGURES.

- THANK YOU, DOBIE.

THIS WAS ONE OF THE
NICEST AFTERNOONS

OF MY WHOLE LIFE.

- AND IT'S NOT OVER
YET BECAUSE IN A MINUTE,

YOU'RE GOING TO MEET MY FATHER.

YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR
MIND ABOUT THOSE GENES.

WHAT A FINE MAN.
WHAT A FINE GENTLEMAN.

SO CONSIDERATE, SO
TENDER, SO LOVING, SO HUMAN,

SO GRACIOUS, SO MILD.

- MOTHER, DARLING,
THIS IS POPPY HERRING.

WHERE'S DEAR DAD?

OH, HELLO, DEAR DAD.

- YOU.
- DEAR DAD.

- YOU - DEAR DAD.

- YOU NO-GOOD, IMBECILIC...

- HERBERT, YOU
LOVE HIM, REMEMBER?

- I GOTTA KILL THIS BOY,
WINNIE. I JUST GOTTA.

STAND STILL, I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.

- DON'T WORRY, DEAR.

HE'S NEVER CAUGHT HIM YET.

- HE'S REALLY A GREAT MAN.

- BYE, DOBIE. SHAME ON YOU.

I WOULDN'T HAVE YOUR DIRTY
OLD GENES FOR ANYTHING.

- DIRTY OLD JEANS? I JUST
PUT THESE ON THIS MORNING.

- HERBERT, GIVE ME THAT!

- ALL RIGHT.

I'LL KILL HIM TOMORROW,
BUT I'LL KILL HIM.

I GOTTA KILL THAT BOY.

- DOBIE?
- HM?

- WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
MAYNARD, I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU.

- YEAH?
- YEAH.

YEAH, I'M THINKING WHAT
A GOOD FRIEND YOU ARE.

WHAT A GREAT COMFORT TO ME.

- OH, IT'S, LIKE,
NOTHING, DOBIE.

- OH, YOU'RE WRONG.

IT'S THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING I'VE GOT.

MAYBE I DON'T DO
SO GOOD WITH GIRLS,

BUT BY GEORGE, I'VE GOT
A FRIEND, A REAL FRIEND.

- SURE, DOBIE, AND I'LL BE
YOUR BUDDY, LIKE, FOREVER,

AND IF THERE'S EVER
ANYTHING YOU, LIKE, NEED,

JUST, LIKE, CALL ME
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT

FRIENDSHIP IS, GOOD BUDDY.

I MEAN, TAKE DAVID AND JONATHAN,

AND DAMON AND PITHEUS
AND ALL THEM CATS.

OH, THEY REALLY, LIKE...

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪