The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Test Tube Killer Affair - full transcript

I wonder what the artist
was trying to tell us.

ILLYA: Well, I have a feeling
we're about to find out.

A beautiful piece of Latin art.
Don't you think?

Exquisite, um...

Actually, we're more interested
in something...

...in the private Waverly collection.

Of course. Perhaps there is something inside
that might interest you.

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPING]
Conquesta Fencing School...

Thrush experiment.

Supermen...



...plan to kill many people.

Greg Mar--

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry, Miguel.

I'm sorry.

[GUNSHOT]

ILLYA:
Cover me.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[SOLO PANTING]

Miguel?

He's dead.

Well, was he able to say anything?

Something about a fencing school.



Supermen.

The Conquesta Fencing School.

[MEN GRUNTING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

[LAMB WHISTLES]

We're ready, Dr. Stoller.

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Number 7, uh...

Number 7, I have a slight concern.

Yes, doctor?

Your coordination
seems less perfect lately.

Do you wish to report
any physical defects?

Nothing, doctor. I'm in perfect health.

Hmm, very well.

Perhaps I'm mistaken.

Number 3.

Doctor.

I'm interested in the progress
of your controlled reactions.

I think you'll find them excellent, sir.

Miss Lamb, if you will, please.

Now a reaction, Number 3.

Excellent. Very heartwarming.

And very convincing.

Now, let us move
to more important matters.

Today marks the end
of our long experiment.

Each of you possesses
the most perfect body and mind...

...it is possible for @ human to achieve.

Now, Thrush has asked
for a demonstration.

A test to see how my perfect young men
perform under actual field conditions.

A suitable exercise has been devised,
and a test site selected by Thrush European.

You, Number 3, will be our example.

I'm honored, doctor.

The International Fencing Championships
are being held in Austria...

...a most convenient cover
for our purposes.

You will go there as a participant.

Do well, Number 3.
Reflect credit upon our group.

It will always
be my first consideration, doctor.

Commendable.

A pity one of your colleagues
cannot demonstrate similar perfection.

Are you citing a defect
within the group, doctor?

Number 7 seems
to have suffered optic injury...

...which he's hesitant to admit.

His failing vision forces him
to act with the emotion of fear.

He has lied to cover his imperfection.

You made self-preservation
a strong reflex, doctor.

A lie was necessary to protect myself.

Lies are weapons to be used
against your enemies, not against me.

The injury is healing.

My eyes are better now.

A few more weeks,
and I'll be able to see perfectly.

STOLLER:
Notice the reflex of fear, gentlemen.

The dilation of the nostrils,
the moist pallid condition of the skin.

It is a repulsive trait at best.

There's no room in the group
for defective behavior pattern.

STOLLER: I knew I could depend
on your judgment, Number 3.

Give me another week.

That's all I need.

[YELLS]

[GREG GRUNTS, NUMBER 7 YELLS]

NUMBER 7: Plea-- Aah!
GREG: Unh!

[GREG GRUNTS]

Open Channel R. Double-A priority.

SOLO [OVER RADIO]:
Solo here.

Napoleon, where are you?

SOLO: Seventeen kilometers
from Acapulco. We should be--

We have reason to believe
that Acapulco lead was incorrect.

Please pull over and stand by
for Code Yellow message.

Repeat, please pull over
and await Code Yellow message.

Code Yellow, Code Yellow.

Computer verification as prescribed
in Manual 12X1.

The Conquesta Fencing School in Acapulco
was destroyed by fire six days ago.

All personnel connected with it
have been checked out and cleared.

Repeat, the Conquesta Fencing School
in Acapulco no longer exists.

LISA:
All former personnel have been cleared.

Hmm, charming.

We have uncovered a school by that name
in Guadalajara.

Repeat, there is a school by that name
in Guadalajara.

Well, back to the last crossroads.

A quick course in fencing?

Yes, it's just one of those wild ideas
you get...

...the spur of the moment, you know.

Something to tell
the folks back home about.

Well, of course. Of course.

Please observe, our students are devoted
to the mastery of their skills.

Lunge, parry, lunge and parry.

It is repeated over and over again
until there is perfect symmetry...

...and beauty in every move.

Ahem, some of your advanced students,
I presume.

Oh, beginners.

If you wish to see an expert in action,
come with me, I'll show you.

Miss Lamb, we have guests.

Would you be kind enough
to play the film?

Of course, doctor.

Here is where we develop
our posture and form.

Yes, I can see.

You will notice
that we have the very latest equipment.

It is an extremely effective teaching aid.

Ready, doctor.

Notice the young man on the right.

See the delicacy of his thrust,
the swiftness of his parry and retreat.

Thrust, parry, thrust, parry, touché.

Excellent. Oh, superb.

- Well, gentlemen?
- He's not bad.

Oh, my prize pupil, Greg Martin.

Perhaps you have heard of him?

- Sony.
-[MOUTHING] Nu.

Uh, no matter. In a few more days,
it will be quite another story.

Young Martin is right now on his way...

...to the International
Fencing Championships in Austria.

He will win great honor for himself
and his fencing master.

Now, how about those lessons
that you were interested in?

Actually, I'd like to give it
a little more thought.

Yeah, it-- It's a little too difficult.

- Well, any time you should decide.
- We'll keep in touch.

That is splendid.

Heh.

I think we can expect our tourist Americans
to be on the first available flight to Austria.

UNCLE?

Well, undoubtedly, they were the two
who were chasing Number 3 last night.

But if they go to Austria,
won't that interfere...

...with Number 3's mission?

Well, Number 3 is to prove himself
under the most realistic...

...and difficult conditions possible.

Of course.

You will contact Number 3
and extend our felicitations.

Tell him we have sent him
two U.N.C.L.E. agents to amuse him.

[LAMB DIALING PHONE]

[RADIO BEEPING]

Kuryakin here.

I'll dispense with the niceties,
gentlemen.

Intelligence has given us
a preliminary report.

They have reason to believe that Thrush
intends to use this Greg Martin...

...to destroy a population segment
within a few days.

Well, a population segment
can be anything, sir.

Every city, town and village in the world
is a possibility.

Well, the data we have indicates
that southern Europe may be involved.

Turkey or Greece, perhaps.

But we're on our way to Austria.

Well, consider the possibility that two
clever and intelligent U.N.C.L.E. agents...

...are being led on a wild-goose chase
by an 18-year-old superman.

Well, we'll consider it, sir.

I suggest you take this young man
into custody as quickly as possible.

By whatever means necessary.

Out.

[MEN GRUNTING]

GREG:
Touché.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

CHRISTINE: Oh, excuse me,
I just wasn't looking where I was going.

Excuse me.

Why, you're an American, aren't you?
So am I.

But I guess you can tell that, can't you?

I-- I'm Christine Hobson,
I'm from Oklahoma City.

- Greg Martin.
- Well, hi.

I suppose you're just staying long enough
tor the championships.

Uh, unless you're planning
on seeing some of the sights.

I'm on a world tour myself.
It's a graduation present from my father.

How nice. Excuse me.

Oh...

The name is Martin, Greg Martin.

He arrived from New York
approximately 12 hours ago.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes, well, uh, yes,
will you please check your guest list again?

I'll hold on.

Welcome to our friends of America.

On behalf of the management,
I have been asked...

...to deliver this television receiver,
free of charge, to your room.

A gift to our friends across the sea.

Uh, where, uh...?

Can I put it down, please?

Uh, put it-- Any place would be fine.

Thank you.

What is that?

Welcome to our friends of America.
On behalf of the management--

Never-- Never-- Never mind.
I'll tell him later, thank you.

- I turn it on for you, please?
- No.

No, just get away from it.

Um. Thank you. Welcome.

Eh-- Eh-- Goodbye.

What's wrong?

The picture tube has a crack in it.

Now, the vacuum in a real picture tube
would cause it to implode...

...with a flaw like that.

Let me take another look.

It's not even a picture tube.

It's a plate glass hiding something.

Wait a second.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

Easy, easy, easy.

Do you have a pin?

Yeah. I think it's set
to go off any second. Here.

ILLYA:
Neutralize this.

It's gonna go any second.

[DEVICE BEEPING FASTER]

[DEVICE STOPS BEEPING]

Greg Martin.
ll suspect he knows we're here.

I would like a table somewhere--

Right there.

Yes, this will be just fine.

Yes, I-- I think I'd like to start
with a martini on the rocks...

...with an olive in it.

With-- With a pimento.

Would you change that
to a double cheeseburger...

...and a chocolate malt?

Oh, and-- And don't forget the olive.

If this is a Thrush hangout,
the boys must eat pretty well.

Let's hope Greg Martin
is one of the boys.

Would the gentleman care
for some dessert?

- Nothing.
- May I suggest a second consideration, sir?

- We have excellent strudel.
- Isaid, no.

Possibly chocolate Bavarian.

Or something even more appetizing...

...such as this.

An excellent suggestion. Very good.

Christine Hobson, isn't it?

Why, Mr. Martin,
now, where did you come from?

There's no time to explain.
ll need your help.

That man there by the door
wants to kill me.

I'm just looking for someone, thank you.

He what?

Do you have a car?

Well, yes, a rented one.
It's right outside.

Could you drive it around back
and meet me there?

Well, shouldn't we call the police
or something first?

There's no time.

[WAITER GRUNTS]

Oh. goodness me,
look what I've done to your suit.

- I am so sorry.
- Oh.

Well, I'll pay for that.
I'm Christine Hobson.

Just have the cleaners send me the bill.

SOLO: It's all right, Miss Hobson,
no damage done. I'm all right. Thank you.

Oh, uh, uh. Let me just see
if ll can wipe a little more of that.

Illya.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Our young genius
has found himself a girlfriend.

So I noticed.
Did you get a good lock at her?

We met over a bowl of soup.

Vichyssoise.

You were very brave back there.

Don't let me fool you.
I was scared to death.

But you were still willing to help me.

Are you really concerned
about what happens to me?

Yes.

Do you always feel so protective?

Well, only when it concerns my friends.

Where's your concern now?
For me or you?

What are you doing, Greg?

I asked you a question.

Do you still have a warm feeling for me?

I-- I'm having a lot of trouble
understanding you.

[SIGHS]

Then don't try.

I have to.

You said that man wanted
to kill you. Why?

- Nothing you'd understand.
- I have a right to know.

All right.

I work for an organization.

And they've sent me to Europe
for some important business.

You're some kind of secret agent,
aren't you?

Mm, let's say what I do may affect the lives
of hundreds of people.

Well, it all sounds a little weird to me.

I mean, what kind of confidential business
would make somebody wanna kill you?

[SIGHS]

You're gonna have to trust me, Christine.

I trust you, Greg.

Enough to go to another country
with me?

Act as cover, maybe as my wife?

Your wife?

Only in appearance.

There's a chance I can get away
from these two men...

...who followed me from New York.

They won't be looking
for a married couple.

Well, where would we have to go?

Athens.

Are you brave enough for that, Christine?

[SIGHS]

We've verified it, sir.

Martin and the girl have already left,
on Flight 27 to Athens.

I'm sure we can beat them there.

They're getting the U.N.C.L.E. jet
ready now.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: I'll contact
the Athens police and ask them to meet you.

Incidentally, we moved in on
the Conquesta Fencing School.

And nobody was home?

WAVERLY:
Precisely.

The plane is ready.

I hope we have better luck.

I hope so, Mr. Solo, I hope so.

There are large numbers of innocent people
who will most assuredly die if you don't.

Checkpoint 1, Flight 27 has just landed.
Are we set?

All police personnel
are at their posts and ready.

Well, here we are
in sunny romantic Greece.

Just think, a few hours ago,
we didn't even know each other.

Why don't you go check
your baggage, Christine?

I gotta make a phone call.

CHRISTINE: One of those agent-type
secret calls, I suppose.

- Yeah, how'd you guess?
- I'll see you at the front gate.

There's the girl. Martin's got to be near.

CHRISTINE:
Unh, let me go! Take your hands off me!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Mr. Kuryakin, sir.

Yes, Mr. Kuryakin,
I trust you've captured that young man.

Almost, sir.

Unfortunately, what happened was--

You almost did?

Mr. Kuryakin, am I to understand
that two U.N.C.L.E. men...

...aided by a veritable regiment
of police officers...

...were unable
to seize a single Thrush agent?

Greg Martin
is not an ordinary Thrush agent.

I only wish you and Mr. Solo
were as competent.

Well, sir, we have another plan
which should lead to his capture.

Then execute it, Mr. Kuryakin.

And bear in mind, if you fail this time,
hundreds of people are likely to die...

...almost immediately.

And heaven knows
how many more in the future.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Now, one more time, Christine,
we are not enemy agents.

We work for an organization
known as U.N.C.L.E.

Now, whether you like it or not,
Greg Martin is a dangerous man.

Mm-hm, I'd expect you
to say something like that.

- Well, you just let me tell you what I think.
- You watch her, I'll get the car.

Right.

I'm gonna make a call to my superior.

And you stay here,
and don't move, got it?

SOLO:
She just drove off on a cab, due north.

Let's see if we can pick her up
on the radar.

Yeah, there she is. Let's go.

[RADAR BEEPING]

Two hundred yards due north, turn east.

SOLO:
She's stopped. We better tag her.

Greg?

Greg, where are you?

He could be in any one of these.

We better make sure she's out of the way
before we take him.

Greg?

[CHRISTINE GRUNTING]

Shh.

- Greg, what are you doing?
- Shut up.

The same two men followed you.

Well, what are we gonna do?

I got a car parked around the corner.

- Well, let's go.
- No.

Christine, it's no good.
I'm tired of running.

You take the car, get out of here,
and leave me alone for good.

No, Greg.

No, I won't leave you.

If you stay, then so do I.

All right.

Maybe there's a chance,
it's a slim one, but...

Well, what is it? Tell me.

This money. It's $10,000.

I'm supposed to give it to another agent
for some important information.

If you could give it
to those two men as a bribe--

Well, we could try.

[SIGHS]

It's too risky. They'd shoot me on sight.

But they won't shoot me, will they?

No, that's too dangerous.

Greg, please.

Now, look, I wanna help you.
Please let me.

Those protective instincts again.

Well, as long as I'm pretending
to be Mrs. Greg Martin, I...

I might as well make it for better
or for worse.

All right.

Start back down the street.

The two men will stop you.
When they do, hand them the package.

Tell them it's a payoff to leave me alone.

And then get away from them
as quick as you can, understand?

I think so.

And if they don't take it,
throw it at them.

Throw it?

Don't argue with me.
I want you back in the car.

Greg?

What?

Would you kiss me before I go?

Easy.

- We let her come to us.
- All right.

[CHRISTINE GASPS]

Here. It's $10,000.

Now, you just take this money
and you leave us alone.

Where is he, Christine?

- Where is he?
- Take the money.

Get out of there, stupid.

[RADIO/RADAR BEEPING]

It's hot. Duck, quick.

[COUGHS]

I'm sorry about...

He got away, and the girl with him.

Wonder what Mr. Waverly's gonna think
when he finds out.

Will you tell him or shall 1?

Well, we'll send him a letter.

Observe what we have here.

The exquisite remains of another temple
built to the mythical god Hercules...

...the greatest hero of Greek mythology.

Of course, you all remember
that the Athenians...

...chose to honor Theseus,
a more compassionate and intelligent god.

- Excuse me, doctor.
- But--

We mustn't forget our schedule.

Number 3 should be in Athens by now.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Now, since we are here to observe him
during the final phase of his mission...

...we shouldn't be late.

Now, back into the bus, please,
everyone, everyone.

There will be other opportunities
to improve our minds along the way.

I promise you, I promise you.
Come on, let's go.

You told me
that package had money in it.

- I had to.
- Why?

Would you have given it to those two men
it I told you it had explosives in it?

But-- But you used me to try to kill them.

You want me to help you kill people,
and you won't even tell me why.

Someday, if I get out of this alive,
I'll tell it to the real Mrs. Greg Martin.

The real Mrs. Greg Martin?

You didn't think I'd let you go back
to Oklahoma by yourself, did you?

[RADIO BEEPING THEN STOPS]

LISANDRA: UN.C.L.E. Headquarters Athens.
Agent Lisandra here.

Please identify and report.

This is Napoleon Solo, Section 2.

Request an air search and strike unit
over Athens on red alert.

How soon can you comply?

Unit can be airborne
within three minutes.

Allocation of priority required first.

We are searching
for an identified Thrush agent, Greg Martin.

The last time he was seen, he was driving
a late-model English sports car...

...north from Tassos Alley
along Thermopylae Road.

This information will also be relayed
to the Athens police for an APB.

Do you have a license number?

Negative. There's also a female passenger
with him, Christine Hobson.

We're positive Martin won't hesitate
to use her as a shield if necessary.

Look out.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

CHRISTINE:
Greg? Greg?

Help him, please, somebody help him.

Get away from me.

- The bag. Take the bag.
CHRISTINE: Greg.

Your arm.

It's all right,
but you're gonna have to drive.

This car is wrecked.

Greg? Greg?

[MAN GRUNTS]

Give me the bag.

Get in.

CHRISTINE: But, Greg...
GREG: Get in!

[MAN SPEAKING IN GREEK]

Air-Strike Unit 1 to Solo.

We're vectored on your signal.
We're moving on interception course.

Read you, Air-Strike 1.
We are continuing on Thermopylae Road.

This is U.N.C.L.E. Headquarters Athens.
Attention Ground Unit.

SOLO [OVER RADIO]:
Go ahead.

Athens police report an accident
involving identified Thrush vehicle...

...at the intersection of Thermopylae
and Stathos Roads.

Air-Strike 1 proceeding to hover position
above intersection.

Will circle and hold for further orders.

Ground Unit on the way, over and out.

Just one thing.

Do you know where the Stathos Road is?

I know Athens like the back of my hand.

Straight ahead five blocks.

[SPEAKING IN GREEK]

What happened to the driver of that car?

[MAN SPEAKING IN GREEK]

Can we get any of that instance?

He stole a green sedan
and he's headed for Antinos.

- Greg, what are you doing?
- Getting ready.

What for?

Don't ask questions, Christine.
Just drive the car.

That's what you're here for.

Air-Strike Unit 1, this is Solo.

We're moving west toward Antinos.

Thrush agent and female passenger
are somewhere ahead in a green vehicle.

Intercept and hold if you can.

On the way.

SOLO [OVER RADIO]:
Do not harm the female occupant.

Repeat, do not harm the girl.

Understand. Out.

Now, you will agree
that a great deal of care...

...was used in the selection
of this test site.

The small unimportant village of Antinos
nestled cozily away from public concern.

NUMBER 5:
How many people. sir?

Oh, four or 500. Insignificant peasants.

But still @ workable population segment.

Precisely. Thrush will be impressed.

Now study the dam
above the village, gentlemen...

...the piece de résistance.

STOLLER: See how it restrains a large
and restless body of water...

...which begs to be suddenly released?

An excellent test for Number 3, sir.

Aha, patience, all of you.
Your turns will come.

And I promise
equally rewarding opportunities.

Doctor, car is approaching.

Hmm?

STOLLER:
Ah, that must be Number 3.

It is time.

Now, let us observe his technique
most carefully, gentlemen.

Greg, that stuff in your suitcase,
that-- That gun and those explosives...

...what are you gonna do with them?

They have a purpose.
That's all you need know.

Greg, answer me.

Why are we driving up this road?

Christine, curiosity is a defective trait.
Just drive the car.

Air-Strike Unit 1 to Solo.

Approaching village of Antinos
and right over target vehicle.

Roger, Air-Strike 1.

Starting interception.

We'll be there in a few minutes.

LAMB:
Doctor, it's a helicopter.

What's that?

GREG: Keep going.
CHRISTINE: Unh!

[GUN COCKS]

[MACHINE GUN FIRING]

[TIRES SCREECHING,
MACHINE GUN FIRING]

I'll put one down in front of them.

[BAZOOKA FIRES]

[STOLLER & MISS LAMB MURMURING]

Greg!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Ugh. Greg, I-- I can't get out.

How unfortunate.

Greg? Greg?

Unh. Greg, please don't leave me.

[CHRISTINE COUGHS]

Superb. First the helicopter,
and now he's free of the car.

There is nothing between Number 3
and the dam. Nothing.

CHRISTINE [WHIMPERING]:
Greg.

Greg, don't leave me, please!

Greg, help me.

Help me. The fire.

[CHRISTINE COUGHING]

Greg. Greg, come back, please.

Somebody help me, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

[CHRISTINE SOBBING]

There's another car approaching.

It must be U.N.C.L.E.

Oh.

CHRISTINE [WHIMPERING]:
Greg.

Greg, come back, please.

CHRISTINE:
Please.

[CHRISTINE COUGHS]

Somebody help me.

Help me.

I'm gonna die.

[SOBBING]

I'm gonna...

Greg.

Oh. Oh, thank God.

Impossible. He's returning to the girl.

Something has happened
to his protective reflex.

Martin, stop.

[YELLS]

[GASPS]

[STOLLER SIGHS]

[GRUNTING]

L...

...love...

[WHIMPERING]

The field test has failed.

It is obvious that all of you
are going to require severe realignment.

The female influence is stronger
than I realized.

Now quickly, there is--

There is-- There's much to be done.

Quickly, quickly. Let's go.

[CHRISTINE WHIMPERING]

Easy, Miss Hobson,
everything's going to be all right.

He was coming back to help me.

He said that he--

That he loved me.
D--? Do you think he...?

I think he meant it, Christine.

Come on.

STOLLER [OVER MEGAPHONE]:
Here, in the rich Antinos valley...

...a wide variety of food products
are grown for distribution all over Greece.

This recent development
of agricultural resources...

...has been made possible
by the construction...

...of an irrigation dam above the village.

As we move farther down the valley,
you will notice evidence...

...of more ancient ruins standing
in noble tribute...

...to the culture and development
of man.

[ENGLISH SDH]