The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Come with Me to the Casbah Affair - full transcript
UNCLE and Thrush are seeking a Thrush code book in Algiers.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Pierrot!
Pierrot.
PIERROT: Colonel Hamid, effendi.
- More grapes.
Oh, the grapes. Oui. Yes.
Ah, the grapes, effendi.
Ah, I can go to lunch now, eh?
“The bird of time
has but a little way to fly.
And Io! The bird is on the wing.“
The bird? Heh.
[CHUCKLES]
- He's a bit in a hurry, huh?
- He's hungry, Ali. Strange.
Pierrot used to bring his lunch
in a paper bag every day.
These days,
Pierrot has more on his mind.
Pierrot? A woman? Oh, nonsense.
By the heard of my ancestor, it is true.
She runs the bistro at the corner.
Her name is Janine.
This is our best.
Yes, monsieur?
The rain in Spain falls softly
on the Alhambra...
...the alcazar
and the entire city of Toledo.
I beg your pardon.
- The rain in Spain falls--
- Oh, you're the one Pierrot's expecting.
Sit down. He'll be herein a moment.
- May I get you anything?
- Ah, yes.
I'll have, uh, one rakat Iokum.
One number three, over easy.
Oh, by special courier.
From Thrush Central.
Peel me a pomegranate, will you, Ali?
The, uh, third one from the left
looks very juicy.
ALI:
Mm-hm.
Janine, is there a man--? A man--?
Giving the Spanish weather report?
Yes, inside.
[JANINE GASPS]
How dare you? What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Janine, I couldn't help myself.
- Janine, look, look--
- Let me go. People are looking.
Janine, that man, he will give me
a million francs for this book.
I always said, one day you would
float away at high tide, but...
- What is it?
- It's a book of 14th-century poetry.
And that's worth a million francs?
“Whereupon Ali Baba,
without his 40 thieves...
...stole silently into the night.“
Get me the code book. Hurry.
- Which one is the code book?
- The Hafiz.
Second shelf from the bottom.
Fourteenth-century, first edition.
Riviére binding with a design
of crushed rose petals on the cover.
There is only one copy of Hafiz.
There is nothing in it...
...but this:
“Lonely? Call Fatima's Friendship Club.
Make friends any hour of the day
or night.“
That's what it says.
I daresay that Pierrot took it with him.
Very bright, Pierrot is not,
but conscientious, he is.
He knows how important that book is...
...and he just does not want
to let it out of his sight.
- Shall I fetch him?
- No, no, let us go together.
I must admit I'm a little curious.
You say that she's, uh, very, uh...eh?
Come.
What's going on, monsieur?
What have you been telling him anyway?
ILLYA: Mademoiselle?
- I am Pierrot La Mouche.
- You know, “The rain in Spain“?
- Oh, I see. I am IIIya Kuryakin.
- Do you have the merchandise?
- Yes, I have it right here.
But, first, please, huh? Tell her
how much you're going to give me for this.
Certainly. One million francs.
Ha!
That is, if the book
is what he claims it to be.
Oh, it is. The poetry of Hafiz,
14th-century. It's in mint condition.
Look, it's the personal copy
of Colonel Hamid.
You have the money?
- I think you're both drunk on hashish.
- An U.N.C.L.E. agent.
Pierrot, you! And my Hafiz!
Why. you traitor. You double-dealer, you!
Colonel Hamid!
Stop it! Stop it! I run a decent place.
[JANINE SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
[JANINE SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
The rain in Spain...
...is olive oil.
WAVERLY: Oh. Another intercept
from Thrush Central.
Get me Mr. Solo in Algiers.
It's too bad they didn't put you in a cast.
I could have autographed it.
Very amusing.
Tell me, Napoleon, why don't these things
ever happen to you anymore?
Well, for one thing.
I never stand under falling objects.
DOCTOR:
It's time for your shot now.
Uh, later, if you don't mind, doctor.
[RADIO BEEPING]
DOCTOR:
Of course, effendi.
Solo here.
Good afternoon, Mr. Solo.
How is Mr. Kuryakin?
He's doing well, considering the size...
[OVER EARPIECE]
...af the alive-ailiar that fell on his head.
! don't think he'll be here lung.
Incidentally, the U.N.C.L.E. health-plan card
should take care everything.
Excellent. Well, you'll give
Mr. Kuryakin our best, won't you?
Uh, Mr. Solo, we've had a message
from Pierrot La Mouche.
That's wonderful. Where is he?
He's holed up somewhere
in the native quarter of Algiers.
You know, the casbah.
That's where he grew up.
He says you won't have
any difficulty finding him.
- In the casbah?
WAVERLY: Exactly.
As soon as you enter the casbah,
he'll spot you.
He's not only eager
to complete the deal...
...but, uh, he's attached a condition.
He not only wants the million francs...
...but he wants
the guaranteed companionship...
...of a young woman named Janine.
- Janine?
ILLYA: The girl in the bistro.
SOLO [OVER RADIO]: Oh, yes. Well,
I'll get to her right away, Mr. Waverly.
No. No, Mr. Solo,
that's just what you will not do.
U.N.C.LE. is not a lonely-hearts bureau,
you know?
You must explain that
to this La Mouche character.
And get that code book.
All right, I'll do my best.
Well, better than your best,
if you don't mind, Mr. Solo.
The code signals we've picked up
from Thrush Central...
...indicate that something very big
may be in the air.
Getting our hands
on that code book within hours...
...is absolutely imperative.
Yes, sir.
See you.
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
You can, uh, give him the shot now.
[GUARD SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Where are you going?
Well, this is the casbah, isn't it?
Ha, aui, monsieur.
But the casbah is not a place
for a casual stroll.
At least, not for a well-dressed stranger.
SOLO:
This happens to be my oldest suit.
And it's hardly a casual stroll.
I'm looking for a gentleman
named Pierrot La Mouche.
Oh, at your service, sir.
[WHISPERS]
Secret mission, perhaps?
It was. I was told he wouldn't be
too difficult to find.
Who has misled you so, monsieur?
The casbah
is a community of fugitives.
It has been for 2000 years.
Even that won't help you in there.
Believe me.
Where the casbah begins, the law ends.
Hey!
MAN:
Have pity on a poor blind man.
In the name of Allah,
the all-seeing and compassionate.
Have pity on a poor blind man.
[COINS RATTLING]
In the name of Allah,
the all-seeing and compassionate.
In the name of Allah, the--
In the name of Allah,
the all-seeing and compassionate.
Have pity on a poor, blind man.
It is written,
Allah favors the compassionate.
Merci. Long will you be remembered indeed
as a generous companion to the faithful.
Solo, effendi.
How did you know my name?
How does the crane know
when summer comes to the north?
How does the arrow know how to sink
into the heart of its target?
I was told what you look like.
Come.
I'll take you to him who awaits.
Pierrot La Mouche.
Come with me.
[GOATS BLEATING]
Uh, put this on.
May I use mine?
What's that saying about the, uh...?
BEGGAR: Blind leading the blind?
SOLO: Mm-hm.
[BEGGAR LAUGHS]
I thought it might occur to you,
monsieur.
SOLO: Hmm.
BEGGAR: Now, this way.
So you will not bring Janine to me, eh?
No, Mr. Waverly is sensitive
about things like that.
He's from Boston, you know.
Listen, I-- I want the money.
I only risk my life because of Janine.
To give her something.
To get her to Paris.
To rescue her from that shabby bistro.
We", couldn't you send her a message
to join us here?
No, no, no. She doesn't believe me.
She still think I lied to her
about all the money.
With that much lack of mutual trust,
it may be all for the best.
You wouldn't be happy together anyway.
Happy? My happiness
has nothing to do with it, monsieur.
Giving her the life which she deserves,
for which she works so hard, monsieur.
That's my happiness, eh?
- You tell that to Waverly.
- No.
Though we have a difficult situation
with Thrush...
...and though we need that book
desperately...
...there are some things that we do
and some things we do not do...
...and that is one of them.
And I'm sorry we couldn't do business
together, Monsieur La Mouche.
Un moment, Monsieur Solo,
we will do business together.
Then you will forget about the girl
and go on to"?
We go onto nothing, monsieur.
And you go onto nothing.
Until Janine is brought here,
you do not leave the casbah.
[SOLO SIGHS]
[APPLAUSE]
Effendi, darling.
I dedicated that you on the altar of our love.
“Whereupon Ali Baba
without his 40 thieves...
...stole silently into the night.“
What can that mean?
Oh, effendi is troubled?
An important message from Thrush,
and I can't tell what about.
Maybe it is my full-length sable djellaba
that you ordered from the commissary.
I don't know.
The code book has been stolen.
- Effendi!
- Hmm.
It could mean a raise in pay
or another job assignment.
How many times have I told you to knock,
or rattle the heads at least?
Effendi, effendi.
I heard everything at the hospital.
Everything.
Oh, that's good.
[CHUCKLES]
I found Pierrot. He went to the casbah.
Oh, that's bad.
Pierrot's a child of the casbah.
We'll never find him there
with all those friends and relatives.
No, that is good.
I have found him, effendi.
I followed Solo,
and they took Solo where Pierrot is.
That's still had. To know
where Pierrot is in the casbah is one thing.
To spring him out of the casbah
is an impossibility.
And he has our book,
our precious code book.
Oh, that worm.
That offspring of an insect.
When I trusted him...
Ah...
A million francs is a big deal of money.
It tempted him.
Of what use is money to Pierrot?
To me, yes, and even to you.
But to Pierrot? No.
Without the knowledge
of the pleasures that money brings...
Oh, men with money,
can often win the heart of a woman.
Oh, not I, effendi. I am loyal.
No woman would ever look at Pierrot.
- Effendi, the girl at the bistro.
- Who?
Janine. Janine Durant.
She wouldn't look at that little runt,
that beetle.
If he had a fortune...
Oh, a woman can be that low, alas.
Of course. You must be right, Ali.
She was the only change
in his life lately.
And if she is the cause,
she is also the solution.
We can't capture him in the casbah.
Therefore, it follows
that we must lure him out of the casbah.
And what do we use for bait?
What is our only possible bait?
- The girl, Janine?
- Janine.
We get the girl tonight, Ali.
I don't understand.
No hypodermics have been ordered
for you, Mr. Kuryakin.
Unless perhaps, uh, you have anemia.
How is your blood?
Racing.
How do you keep your skin so soft,
Mr. Kuryakin?
Olive oil.
Lots of olive oil.
[RADIO BEEPING]
[COUGHING AND GRUNTING]
ILLYA: Uh, do you have something
for an upset stomach?
NURSE:
Oh, I'll see.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Napoleon?
- IIIya, how do you feel?
I feel fine.
I've just had an alcohol rub,
and I think she's gonna powder me next.
Hmm, well, I need you immediately.
Napoleon, my pores are still open.
You've got to find that girl
and bring her here.
Stop talking in riddles. Bring who where?
Uh, Janine
to Pierrot's place in the casbah.
You won't have any trouble finding us.
There's this blind beggar
who isn't really blind...
Well, uh, anyway.
you'll be able to get here all right.
Mr. Waverly isn't going to like this.
Couldn't you get Pierrot
to surrender the book without the girl?
I can't even get Pierrot to surrender me.
Now, I'm counting on you, effendi.
- Don't you always?
- Hmm.
Monsieur Kuryakin,
what are you doing out of bed?
- I'm getting my clothes.
- You can't have them.
Oh, yes, I can.
Will you hand them over, please?
I won't.
If you won't, I shall leave without them.
Ha. You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I?
Monsieur Kuryakin. Oh.
- Mademoiselle.
JANINE: You again. Oh, no, I won't have it.
- Get out of here, monsieur!
- Gently, please. I'm still an invalid.
It's a wonder I wasn't killed.
I take it you're insured?
Me? Insured? You wouldn't sue--
Here, drink this, it will build you up.
Thank you. I just came
to deliver Pierrot's message.
He's in the casbah.
He wants you to join him.
In the casbah? Good.
He should never have left.
That's where he belongs.
After what happened,
I wouldn't join him in a cup of coffee.
- And you may tell him that.
- Mademoiselle, he worships you.
- Pierrot, what?
- He loves you.
You did get a jolt
from that oil jar, monsieur.
Love? Pierrot never said
a word of love to me in his life.
Love is not in his vocabulary.
If Colonel Hamid's men capture him,
they will kill him.
- They will?
- They will, indeed.
Janine, you can save him.
- Come with me to the casbah--
HAMID: Quickly!
No, Mr. Kuryakin.
Mademoiselle Durant will come with us.
Oh, do not break my place again. Oh.
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
ILLYA: What's up there?
JANINE: A way into the hotel next door.
HAMID:
The hotel. They must be in there.
Quickly. In the hotel.
[HAMID PANTING]
[BELL RINGING]
[YAWNS]
Monsieur, what can I do for you?
A man and a young woman,
did they come in here?
CLERK: A man and a young woman?
Were they married, monsieur?
Of course not, you feel.
CLERK: Then you may be sure
they did not come here.
This is a respectable establishment.
They couldn't have gotten very far.
Ali, I want you to make sure
that the entire neighborhood is sealed off.
- She must not escape.
ALI: I'll see to it at once.
JANINE:
Oh. Oh, thank you, monsieur.
So that was your husband, hmm?
- No wonder you prefer the blonde one.
JANINE: Oh!
- Oh, no, you don't understand.
- Ah, but I understand too well.
It just so happens
I have one room available.
A beautiful room. And very, very private.
You said you run a respectable place.
And an equally discreet one, madame.
That I guarantee.
- Come, shall we see?
- Oh, no.
I think, under the circumstances...
...my love...
Thrush Central will have my head
on a platter, Ali.
How could we let that girl get away?
I live a good, clean life.
What have I done to deserve this?
AYESHA: Effendi?
- The girl escaped.
HAMID:
What do we do now? I don't know.
Get to Pierrot. What else?
In the casbah?
Those vermin will never let us near him.
Oh, and they'd better not,
because it I ever get my hands on--
AYESHA:
Oh, effendi, no.
It is not your beautiful strong hands
that are needed at this moment.
- But perhaps my little weak ones.
HAMID: Hmm?
- The situation is desperate, no?
- Uh-huh.
You must get Pierrot and the book, no?
[HAMID GRUNTS]
- And Pierrot is susceptible to women, no?
HAMID: Yes, but...
Then I am the one that can get Pierrot
and the book from the casbah.
Oh, well, he has a girl already, who...
Oh, a man may have a thousand girls.
But he has never known a woman
until he has known Ayesha.
Effendi, she's right.
Pierrot doesn't know women.
He doesn't know anything.
What Ayesha couldn't do for him
in a few hours--
How do you know?
Where do you get your knowledge?
Naturally, a task such as this...
...is repugnant to a girl
of my delicate and refined sensibilities.
But for my effendi, whom I love,
worship and obey...
...I would do anything.
[HAMID SIGHS]
I owe you 50,000 francs,
Pierrot La Mouche.
Here. This good anywhere in the casbah.
I don't understand this.
I teach you how to play belote,
and you win all the money.
Well, lucky at love, unlucky at cards.
Same thing, really.
Yes, and I'm not lucky at either of them.
Luck changes, Pierrot.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Excuse me.
- Solo here.
- Napoleon, it's IIIya.
SOLO [OVER RADIO]: Where are you?
- I'm in a hotel room with Janine.
- With Janine?
Don't worry, U.N.C.L.E. agents
are gentlemen at all times.
Listen, it's not safe
to leave here right now.
The place is surrounded
with Hamid's boys.
- We won't be able to be there till morning.
- Till morning?
Till morning.
Well, ugh, all right, uh...
By that time, I'll probably be able to win
back a major part of the million francs.
ILLYA:
I beg your pardon.
SOLO:
Hmm, uh, never mind. Take care.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
BEGGAR:
Pierrot.
PIERROT: Yes?
- There is a woman below to see you.
She says she has a message from Janine.
But that cannot be. She's with his friend.
It's a trap of some kind.
Thrush obviously knows you're here.
- Ayesha.
- What? What's that?
Ayesha, that's the most famous
belly dance! in all of North Africa.
Also the girlfriend of Colonel Hamid.
I have never met her, but I have
seen her dance from the balcony.
Ooh, nice vantage point.
Does she know you?
How would someone like that
know someone like me?
She has never laid eyes on me.
- Then this is our big opportunity, isn't it?
- What, effendi?
Don't you think we ought to find out
why she was sent here?
- What? She was sent here to kill me.
- Well, she wouldn't even come close to you.
Take off your clothes.
From now on, I'll be Pierrot La Mouche.
SOLO:
Hmm.
Ahem. I think you ought to have
your eyes examined.
They're not my glasses. I stole them.
Ah!
Send the lady up.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I am Ayesha.
[FRENCH ACCENT]
Hello.
I am Pierrot.
HAMID:
The shortwave, Ali, quickly.
[SHORTWAVE TUNING]
You will report this to Thrush Central?
Of course not. You think I'm mad?
What Thrush Central does not know
won't hurt them.
But what I don't know could prove fatal.
Why did they tell me you were
so little and ugly and insignificant...
...when you are so young and handsome?
Did, uh, the colonel send you here
to tell me that?
ALI:
Effendi, it's not Pierrot's voice.
AYESHA [ON SHORTWAVE]: Oh, you have guessed my true mission.
How perceptive.
I told the colonel it was ridiculous
for me to attempt to influence you.
What man in his right mind
would give up a million francs?
Even for the arms of a beautiful woman
such as myself.
Hmm, your arms are beautiful,
mademoiselle, but--
- Oh, call me Ayesha.
- Ayesha, yes, uh...
Well, uh, there is one thing
that I must tell you.
You're right.
It is not Pierrot that she is talking to.
But then, who is it?
It's that other U.N.C.L.E. agent.
Solo.
[HAMID GASPS]
SOLO: Ahem, uh, you see.
there is, uh, another woman.
AYESHA: Oh, not another woman, darling.
Janine. Oh, yes, I know about her.
Oh, she knows nothing
of how to please a man.
How to make his life
a veritable pinwheel of delights.
SOLO: Hmm.
- Oh, Pierrot.
You have never known a real woman.
Uh, yes, uh, you're right.
I have had a sheltered life.
But, uh, you are a real woman, hmm?
There's still the matter
of the million francs.
Oh, you foolish boy.
You could have both me and the money.
If U.N.C.L.E. is willing to pay
a million francs for the book.
Then is it not possible
that Hamid would pay even more?
[SOLO LAUGHS]
SOLO: You mean,
I can have my cake and eat it too?
AYESHA:
Hmm, yes, of course.
It I could sell the book to Hamid,
then I could return to you with the money.
And we could go away together,
Pierrot, just you and I.
We could go to Beirut.
Oh, darling, life there is so bright,
so gay.
It would be heaven with you.
And for you, it would be paradise.
Oh, don't you think
Colonel Hamid might take offense?
Ugh, that pig.
I have long wearied of him.
Besides, he doesn't appreciate me.
Not as you would, my sweet.
Uh, Ayesha, can I trust you?
Come into my arms, my darling.
And you shall see.
[BUTTONS CLICKING]
What's wrong with it?
Why can't we hear?
It's not the receiver.
Something must be covering
the microphone at her end.
Ali.
[SINGING]
What's that?
They're summoning the faithful
to morning prayer.
Oh.
Somewhere out there, Pierrot's praying.
Praying for what, I wonder.
Happiness. His and yours.
Heh, what would he say
if he could see us now?
[LAUGHS]
- I won't tell if you won't.
- Oh, I won't, believe me.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Breakfast, monsieur.
Coffee and croissants.
And for the young lady,
a geranium from my own flower pot.
Thank you.
Uh, did those men come back?
Uh, the young lady's husband?
No, monsieur.
And if he does, I'll send him away again.
ILLYA: Good.
Uh, would you call us a taxi, please?
- Are you leaving so soon?
- Yes, I'm afraid we have to.
You see, the young lady.
she has a PTA meeting.
[CLERK GRUNTS]
He saw me like this.
If he should tell Pierrot...
ILLYA: Does it matter?
You said you didn't care that much for him.
Oh, I don't,
but I dreamed of him last night.
Monsieur Kuryakin, why would a man
go through all this terrible danger...
...steal that book, risk his life for me?
Oh, because he's a feel
or mad or in love.
And in Pepé's case,
I'd say a bit of all three.
And now he's hidden in the casbah,
with men after him to kill him.
- Well, they're after us too, you know.
- I know.
But somehow, I'm more worried for him.
[SIGHS]
Ayesha.
Effendi, effendi?
Effendi?
There you are.
Guess who's back,
bringing you a big surprise.
I have something for my effendi.
But you must give me something in return.
Is it a bargain?
Bargain?
It is indeed, you desert witch!
[AYESHA SHRIEKS]
You she-devil.
I'll teach you to betray me,
you gutter scum!
Oh, what are you doing?
Have you gone mad?
- I have the book, the Hafiz.
ALI: Effendi, stop.
I'll kill you,
I'll drag you through the streets!
It's the Hafiz, the Hafiz.
[HAMID GRUNTS]
What've I done
that you should treat me this way?
- You have betrayed me.
- Betrayed you?
Did you not send me to Pierrot
to get the book of Hafiz's poems?
- Have I not brought them back?
- But you were out all night, Ayesha.
Well, it's along walk.
Have you ever tried to get a taxi
in the casbah after midnight?
[HAMID GRUNTS]
- What is it?
- You great silly heifer.
You took the wrong book!
It is the book. It is the Hafiz.
Look. See? Hafiz.
The Hafiz, yes.
but not the 14th-century edition.
The only edition we use
for the code book...
...of which there are only two copies
in the entire world.
- But last night, he said--
- Who said?
Pierrot La Mouche. He even read
a great deal of it out loud to me.
Beautifully.
He's not at all like you said he would be.
As a matter of fact, he's quite nice.
Of course, my darling.
Because you were not
with Pierrot La Mouche.
You were reading poetry
with that double-dealing, two-timing...
...womanizing Napoleon Solo,
an U.N.C.L.E. agent.
Oh, I've been brutally used, deceived.
Thank heavens,
I didn't let that deceptive villain go too far.
[RADIO BEEPING OVER SHORTWAVE]
- What is that?
- Well, it's, uh, an U.N.C.L.E. communicator.
- In here?
- No.
By a happy mischance, the shortwave
is coming through via your girdle.
AYESHA: My girdle?
- Yes.
Let us see if we can guess
whose voice we'll hear next.
[RADIO BEEPING]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nobody has any reason
to be that cheerful this early in the morning.
SOLO [ON SHORTWAVE]: Or have you?
- Pienot.
No, moon of my delight.
Solo. Napoleon Solo.
Last night, I had wired you for sound.
The microphone was in your girdle.
And where is your girdle now, hmm?
Well, the breakfast was excellent...
...and we'll be out of here
as soon as we can get a taxi.
Ali, that man fibbed to us.
They are in the hotel. Quick!
All right, uh, take a taxi cab
to the main entrance to the casbah...
...and Pierrot will arrange things
from there.
Right. What about you?
Have you made any progress?
Fine, yeah. Excellently.
ILLYA:
Fine.
[HAMID SIGHS]
I had no trouble
finding you a cab, monsieur.
It's right outside.
Don't do anything foolish, Mr. Kuryakin.
You are surrounded.
You want to go to the casbah, eh? No.
I think, mademoiselle,
that you will bring the casbah to us.
Something
with boiling pomegranate oil in it?
- Do you fancy that, Mr. Kuryakin?
- You monster, you animal.
HAMID:
My dear...
...if you call me names,
you are only tempting fate.
I would far rather be doing this to you,
believe me.
Except that you are, after all,
for the moment, a valuable commodity.
Because you are the one who is going
to tempt Pierrot out of the casbah for me.
So you can kill him? Never!
Well, if you don't, we will all be witness
to a very unhappy hour...
...in the life Monsieur Kuryakin.
Will you pass me those
red-hot pincers, my dear?
[HAMID SIGHS]
[JANINE WHIMPERING]
Oh, no, no, no!
What do you want me to do?
You will write a little letter to Pierrot...
...telling him to meet you outside
the gates of the casbah.
With the book.
IIIya, come in. Where are you?
Why they're not here, eh?
It doesn't take this long to cross the city.
Hamid has got them. He's got them.
Janine, Janine.
Don't leap to conclusions now.
Mr. Kuryakin is a very competent operative.
Which is more than you are,
Monsieur Solo.
Everything you promised
has not developed, no promises.
The only thing
you've succeeded in doing is--
Ahem, well, the impetuous child
seems to have forgotten something.
She has forgotten, huh?
Hamid has forgotten nothing.
Look at that.
She was bugged.
That means that was on the bed
when IIIya contacted me from the hotel.
Hamid heard everything we said
and heard where they were.
And captured them! I told you that.
He captured them. I knew it.
BEGGAR:
Pierrot.
It's Janine's handwriting.
I knew it, he has her. Hamid has her.
Pierrot, now, wait a second.
Wait, this is a trap. Now...
[SOLO SCREAMS]
He'll kill you and the girl.
[GRUNTING]
JANINE:
Monsieur Kuryakin.
Mr. Kuryakin, what are you doing?
You're going to bum yourself to a crisp.
ILLYA: Theoretically,
this rope should bum through before I do.
I hope.
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
Good, good, excellent.
Pierrot is on his way to the casbah gates.
Let's get the girl, quick.
JANINE:
They're coming.
Ah, my dear,
one should never discount true love.
You will be happy to learn that our good
Pierrot is prepared to sacrifice anything...
...just as long as we don't sacrifice you.
Oh, no, you'll kill him.
Of course. But he does not know that.
Oh, and it will be a happy death.
In your arm.
Just like the last act of Ai'da...
...which happens to be
my favorite opera.
Do you agree, Monsieur Kurya--?
You fool, you ruined everything.
Why didn't you keep your eyes open?
You know those U.N.C.L.E. men
cannot be trusted.
I'll kill them both.
I'll shoot them both down like dogs.
Oh, no, you don't.
You are not going to open that door.
You are not going to shoot anybody,
because we do not have the time.
Pierrot is almost at the casbah gates
and we must get there.
Pierrot won't come out of the casbah
unless the girl is there.
Effendi, what's wrong? The car is here.
Daughter of a camel,
you have a blonde wig?
- What are you doing now?
ILLYA: That's an oubliette, a trap door.
The colonel probably used this
for getting rid of bad customers...
...persistent bill collectors
and old girlfriends.
My coat.
SOLO: Stop, you can't go out there.
- Don't try to stop me, I warn you.
- Don't be a fool, Pierrot. Give me that book.
- No, it's all I have to save her life.
You can save her life.
Hamid will kill you and Janine
the moment he has his hands on that.
The only chance you have of saving her
is by not going out.
There they are.
I see him. He's up there, effendi.
He won't believe it.
I don't even have the right color lipstick.
He'll believe it. Bury your face in this.
And tremble.
Man die", he has a gun
pointed to her head.
Colonel Hamid, I am coming down.
I have the book.
Pierrot, I must have that book.
If you go down there,
you're signing your death warrant.
If Hamid doesn't shoot you, I'll have to.
Now, give me that book, Pierrot.
Colonel Hamid!
Back out to the chain
and I will throw the book.
Bring the book!
- Pierrot, you're out of your mind.
- I love her, she's my whole life.
[GRUNTING]
- Run to him.
- Janine!
[SOLO GRUNTS]
It's Pierrot.
Hurry, get the book.
Look, she's impersonating me.
KURYAKIN: Wait, she's a fake.
- Here I am, Pierrot.
[GUNFIRE]
It's me! It's me!
Pierrot, it's me.
- It's me, Pierrot.
PIERROT: Janine.
JANINE:
Pierrot!
Oh, Pierrot, please don't die.
The money. The money.
Give all the money to Janine.
The wish 01a dying man.
[GASPING]
Do you have the book?
- I don't have the book. Don't you have it?
SOLO: No.
ILLYA:
It's gone.
Somebody probably snatched it.
- No doubt to wrap up some smoked squid.
- The book is gone.
I have-- I have failed.
I have failed you, Janine.
JANINE:
Don't worry about me, my love.
Please, please, Pierrot, don't die.
He won't. He's no more dying than I am.
You-- You monster. How can you?
I saw the bullets hit him myself?
He may very well have been hit,
mademoiselle.
But I don't think a cannon
couldn't penetrate this.
As the poet Hafiz so truly observed...
...rhinestones are boy's best friend.
And that's the, uh, last I saw of it,
Mr. Waverly.
[WAVERLY SIGHS]
Fortunes of war, Mr. Kuryakin.
And that message to Colonel Hamid...
...I'm afraid
it never will be decoded now.
And it just might be
of earth-shaking importance.
If only I had did what they asked...
...we'd have the money,
we'd be in Paris now.
We found each other, Pierrot.
And that's more important than Paris
or the whole world to me.
AYESHA:
Ah, he is the new one.
Ayesha, this is Mr. Waverly,
my, uh, boss.
WAVERLY: I'm charmed.
- Your boss?
Did you see my dance?
Oh, I did, indeed, my deal.
It was quite, uh, Oriental.
Did I hear you discussing
a certain book of poetry?
The 14th-century Hafiz?
Are you interested, Mr. Waverly?
What do you think it's worth?
Well, that depends entirely
on the nature of this message.
You have an honest face.
I trust you to pay me what is right.
SOLO:
Hmm, I should have known. She had it.
“Colonel Hamid Ibris. Greetings.
Because of gross incompetence
and other failings...
...you are hereby
dishonorably discharged.
Regards, Thrush Central.“
[JANINE LAUGHS]
Heh, I'm sorry.
[AYESHA SIGHS]
It is truly written. Win a few, lose a few.
[ENGLISH SDH]
Pierrot!
Pierrot.
PIERROT: Colonel Hamid, effendi.
- More grapes.
Oh, the grapes. Oui. Yes.
Ah, the grapes, effendi.
Ah, I can go to lunch now, eh?
“The bird of time
has but a little way to fly.
And Io! The bird is on the wing.“
The bird? Heh.
[CHUCKLES]
- He's a bit in a hurry, huh?
- He's hungry, Ali. Strange.
Pierrot used to bring his lunch
in a paper bag every day.
These days,
Pierrot has more on his mind.
Pierrot? A woman? Oh, nonsense.
By the heard of my ancestor, it is true.
She runs the bistro at the corner.
Her name is Janine.
This is our best.
Yes, monsieur?
The rain in Spain falls softly
on the Alhambra...
...the alcazar
and the entire city of Toledo.
I beg your pardon.
- The rain in Spain falls--
- Oh, you're the one Pierrot's expecting.
Sit down. He'll be herein a moment.
- May I get you anything?
- Ah, yes.
I'll have, uh, one rakat Iokum.
One number three, over easy.
Oh, by special courier.
From Thrush Central.
Peel me a pomegranate, will you, Ali?
The, uh, third one from the left
looks very juicy.
ALI:
Mm-hm.
Janine, is there a man--? A man--?
Giving the Spanish weather report?
Yes, inside.
[JANINE GASPS]
How dare you? What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Janine, I couldn't help myself.
- Janine, look, look--
- Let me go. People are looking.
Janine, that man, he will give me
a million francs for this book.
I always said, one day you would
float away at high tide, but...
- What is it?
- It's a book of 14th-century poetry.
And that's worth a million francs?
“Whereupon Ali Baba,
without his 40 thieves...
...stole silently into the night.“
Get me the code book. Hurry.
- Which one is the code book?
- The Hafiz.
Second shelf from the bottom.
Fourteenth-century, first edition.
Riviére binding with a design
of crushed rose petals on the cover.
There is only one copy of Hafiz.
There is nothing in it...
...but this:
“Lonely? Call Fatima's Friendship Club.
Make friends any hour of the day
or night.“
That's what it says.
I daresay that Pierrot took it with him.
Very bright, Pierrot is not,
but conscientious, he is.
He knows how important that book is...
...and he just does not want
to let it out of his sight.
- Shall I fetch him?
- No, no, let us go together.
I must admit I'm a little curious.
You say that she's, uh, very, uh...eh?
Come.
What's going on, monsieur?
What have you been telling him anyway?
ILLYA: Mademoiselle?
- I am Pierrot La Mouche.
- You know, “The rain in Spain“?
- Oh, I see. I am IIIya Kuryakin.
- Do you have the merchandise?
- Yes, I have it right here.
But, first, please, huh? Tell her
how much you're going to give me for this.
Certainly. One million francs.
Ha!
That is, if the book
is what he claims it to be.
Oh, it is. The poetry of Hafiz,
14th-century. It's in mint condition.
Look, it's the personal copy
of Colonel Hamid.
You have the money?
- I think you're both drunk on hashish.
- An U.N.C.L.E. agent.
Pierrot, you! And my Hafiz!
Why. you traitor. You double-dealer, you!
Colonel Hamid!
Stop it! Stop it! I run a decent place.
[JANINE SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
[JANINE SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
The rain in Spain...
...is olive oil.
WAVERLY: Oh. Another intercept
from Thrush Central.
Get me Mr. Solo in Algiers.
It's too bad they didn't put you in a cast.
I could have autographed it.
Very amusing.
Tell me, Napoleon, why don't these things
ever happen to you anymore?
Well, for one thing.
I never stand under falling objects.
DOCTOR:
It's time for your shot now.
Uh, later, if you don't mind, doctor.
[RADIO BEEPING]
DOCTOR:
Of course, effendi.
Solo here.
Good afternoon, Mr. Solo.
How is Mr. Kuryakin?
He's doing well, considering the size...
[OVER EARPIECE]
...af the alive-ailiar that fell on his head.
! don't think he'll be here lung.
Incidentally, the U.N.C.L.E. health-plan card
should take care everything.
Excellent. Well, you'll give
Mr. Kuryakin our best, won't you?
Uh, Mr. Solo, we've had a message
from Pierrot La Mouche.
That's wonderful. Where is he?
He's holed up somewhere
in the native quarter of Algiers.
You know, the casbah.
That's where he grew up.
He says you won't have
any difficulty finding him.
- In the casbah?
WAVERLY: Exactly.
As soon as you enter the casbah,
he'll spot you.
He's not only eager
to complete the deal...
...but, uh, he's attached a condition.
He not only wants the million francs...
...but he wants
the guaranteed companionship...
...of a young woman named Janine.
- Janine?
ILLYA: The girl in the bistro.
SOLO [OVER RADIO]: Oh, yes. Well,
I'll get to her right away, Mr. Waverly.
No. No, Mr. Solo,
that's just what you will not do.
U.N.C.LE. is not a lonely-hearts bureau,
you know?
You must explain that
to this La Mouche character.
And get that code book.
All right, I'll do my best.
Well, better than your best,
if you don't mind, Mr. Solo.
The code signals we've picked up
from Thrush Central...
...indicate that something very big
may be in the air.
Getting our hands
on that code book within hours...
...is absolutely imperative.
Yes, sir.
See you.
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
You can, uh, give him the shot now.
[GUARD SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Where are you going?
Well, this is the casbah, isn't it?
Ha, aui, monsieur.
But the casbah is not a place
for a casual stroll.
At least, not for a well-dressed stranger.
SOLO:
This happens to be my oldest suit.
And it's hardly a casual stroll.
I'm looking for a gentleman
named Pierrot La Mouche.
Oh, at your service, sir.
[WHISPERS]
Secret mission, perhaps?
It was. I was told he wouldn't be
too difficult to find.
Who has misled you so, monsieur?
The casbah
is a community of fugitives.
It has been for 2000 years.
Even that won't help you in there.
Believe me.
Where the casbah begins, the law ends.
Hey!
MAN:
Have pity on a poor blind man.
In the name of Allah,
the all-seeing and compassionate.
Have pity on a poor blind man.
[COINS RATTLING]
In the name of Allah,
the all-seeing and compassionate.
In the name of Allah, the--
In the name of Allah,
the all-seeing and compassionate.
Have pity on a poor, blind man.
It is written,
Allah favors the compassionate.
Merci. Long will you be remembered indeed
as a generous companion to the faithful.
Solo, effendi.
How did you know my name?
How does the crane know
when summer comes to the north?
How does the arrow know how to sink
into the heart of its target?
I was told what you look like.
Come.
I'll take you to him who awaits.
Pierrot La Mouche.
Come with me.
[GOATS BLEATING]
Uh, put this on.
May I use mine?
What's that saying about the, uh...?
BEGGAR: Blind leading the blind?
SOLO: Mm-hm.
[BEGGAR LAUGHS]
I thought it might occur to you,
monsieur.
SOLO: Hmm.
BEGGAR: Now, this way.
So you will not bring Janine to me, eh?
No, Mr. Waverly is sensitive
about things like that.
He's from Boston, you know.
Listen, I-- I want the money.
I only risk my life because of Janine.
To give her something.
To get her to Paris.
To rescue her from that shabby bistro.
We", couldn't you send her a message
to join us here?
No, no, no. She doesn't believe me.
She still think I lied to her
about all the money.
With that much lack of mutual trust,
it may be all for the best.
You wouldn't be happy together anyway.
Happy? My happiness
has nothing to do with it, monsieur.
Giving her the life which she deserves,
for which she works so hard, monsieur.
That's my happiness, eh?
- You tell that to Waverly.
- No.
Though we have a difficult situation
with Thrush...
...and though we need that book
desperately...
...there are some things that we do
and some things we do not do...
...and that is one of them.
And I'm sorry we couldn't do business
together, Monsieur La Mouche.
Un moment, Monsieur Solo,
we will do business together.
Then you will forget about the girl
and go on to"?
We go onto nothing, monsieur.
And you go onto nothing.
Until Janine is brought here,
you do not leave the casbah.
[SOLO SIGHS]
[APPLAUSE]
Effendi, darling.
I dedicated that you on the altar of our love.
“Whereupon Ali Baba
without his 40 thieves...
...stole silently into the night.“
What can that mean?
Oh, effendi is troubled?
An important message from Thrush,
and I can't tell what about.
Maybe it is my full-length sable djellaba
that you ordered from the commissary.
I don't know.
The code book has been stolen.
- Effendi!
- Hmm.
It could mean a raise in pay
or another job assignment.
How many times have I told you to knock,
or rattle the heads at least?
Effendi, effendi.
I heard everything at the hospital.
Everything.
Oh, that's good.
[CHUCKLES]
I found Pierrot. He went to the casbah.
Oh, that's bad.
Pierrot's a child of the casbah.
We'll never find him there
with all those friends and relatives.
No, that is good.
I have found him, effendi.
I followed Solo,
and they took Solo where Pierrot is.
That's still had. To know
where Pierrot is in the casbah is one thing.
To spring him out of the casbah
is an impossibility.
And he has our book,
our precious code book.
Oh, that worm.
That offspring of an insect.
When I trusted him...
Ah...
A million francs is a big deal of money.
It tempted him.
Of what use is money to Pierrot?
To me, yes, and even to you.
But to Pierrot? No.
Without the knowledge
of the pleasures that money brings...
Oh, men with money,
can often win the heart of a woman.
Oh, not I, effendi. I am loyal.
No woman would ever look at Pierrot.
- Effendi, the girl at the bistro.
- Who?
Janine. Janine Durant.
She wouldn't look at that little runt,
that beetle.
If he had a fortune...
Oh, a woman can be that low, alas.
Of course. You must be right, Ali.
She was the only change
in his life lately.
And if she is the cause,
she is also the solution.
We can't capture him in the casbah.
Therefore, it follows
that we must lure him out of the casbah.
And what do we use for bait?
What is our only possible bait?
- The girl, Janine?
- Janine.
We get the girl tonight, Ali.
I don't understand.
No hypodermics have been ordered
for you, Mr. Kuryakin.
Unless perhaps, uh, you have anemia.
How is your blood?
Racing.
How do you keep your skin so soft,
Mr. Kuryakin?
Olive oil.
Lots of olive oil.
[RADIO BEEPING]
[COUGHING AND GRUNTING]
ILLYA: Uh, do you have something
for an upset stomach?
NURSE:
Oh, I'll see.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Napoleon?
- IIIya, how do you feel?
I feel fine.
I've just had an alcohol rub,
and I think she's gonna powder me next.
Hmm, well, I need you immediately.
Napoleon, my pores are still open.
You've got to find that girl
and bring her here.
Stop talking in riddles. Bring who where?
Uh, Janine
to Pierrot's place in the casbah.
You won't have any trouble finding us.
There's this blind beggar
who isn't really blind...
Well, uh, anyway.
you'll be able to get here all right.
Mr. Waverly isn't going to like this.
Couldn't you get Pierrot
to surrender the book without the girl?
I can't even get Pierrot to surrender me.
Now, I'm counting on you, effendi.
- Don't you always?
- Hmm.
Monsieur Kuryakin,
what are you doing out of bed?
- I'm getting my clothes.
- You can't have them.
Oh, yes, I can.
Will you hand them over, please?
I won't.
If you won't, I shall leave without them.
Ha. You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I?
Monsieur Kuryakin. Oh.
- Mademoiselle.
JANINE: You again. Oh, no, I won't have it.
- Get out of here, monsieur!
- Gently, please. I'm still an invalid.
It's a wonder I wasn't killed.
I take it you're insured?
Me? Insured? You wouldn't sue--
Here, drink this, it will build you up.
Thank you. I just came
to deliver Pierrot's message.
He's in the casbah.
He wants you to join him.
In the casbah? Good.
He should never have left.
That's where he belongs.
After what happened,
I wouldn't join him in a cup of coffee.
- And you may tell him that.
- Mademoiselle, he worships you.
- Pierrot, what?
- He loves you.
You did get a jolt
from that oil jar, monsieur.
Love? Pierrot never said
a word of love to me in his life.
Love is not in his vocabulary.
If Colonel Hamid's men capture him,
they will kill him.
- They will?
- They will, indeed.
Janine, you can save him.
- Come with me to the casbah--
HAMID: Quickly!
No, Mr. Kuryakin.
Mademoiselle Durant will come with us.
Oh, do not break my place again. Oh.
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
ILLYA: What's up there?
JANINE: A way into the hotel next door.
HAMID:
The hotel. They must be in there.
Quickly. In the hotel.
[HAMID PANTING]
[BELL RINGING]
[YAWNS]
Monsieur, what can I do for you?
A man and a young woman,
did they come in here?
CLERK: A man and a young woman?
Were they married, monsieur?
Of course not, you feel.
CLERK: Then you may be sure
they did not come here.
This is a respectable establishment.
They couldn't have gotten very far.
Ali, I want you to make sure
that the entire neighborhood is sealed off.
- She must not escape.
ALI: I'll see to it at once.
JANINE:
Oh. Oh, thank you, monsieur.
So that was your husband, hmm?
- No wonder you prefer the blonde one.
JANINE: Oh!
- Oh, no, you don't understand.
- Ah, but I understand too well.
It just so happens
I have one room available.
A beautiful room. And very, very private.
You said you run a respectable place.
And an equally discreet one, madame.
That I guarantee.
- Come, shall we see?
- Oh, no.
I think, under the circumstances...
...my love...
Thrush Central will have my head
on a platter, Ali.
How could we let that girl get away?
I live a good, clean life.
What have I done to deserve this?
AYESHA: Effendi?
- The girl escaped.
HAMID:
What do we do now? I don't know.
Get to Pierrot. What else?
In the casbah?
Those vermin will never let us near him.
Oh, and they'd better not,
because it I ever get my hands on--
AYESHA:
Oh, effendi, no.
It is not your beautiful strong hands
that are needed at this moment.
- But perhaps my little weak ones.
HAMID: Hmm?
- The situation is desperate, no?
- Uh-huh.
You must get Pierrot and the book, no?
[HAMID GRUNTS]
- And Pierrot is susceptible to women, no?
HAMID: Yes, but...
Then I am the one that can get Pierrot
and the book from the casbah.
Oh, well, he has a girl already, who...
Oh, a man may have a thousand girls.
But he has never known a woman
until he has known Ayesha.
Effendi, she's right.
Pierrot doesn't know women.
He doesn't know anything.
What Ayesha couldn't do for him
in a few hours--
How do you know?
Where do you get your knowledge?
Naturally, a task such as this...
...is repugnant to a girl
of my delicate and refined sensibilities.
But for my effendi, whom I love,
worship and obey...
...I would do anything.
[HAMID SIGHS]
I owe you 50,000 francs,
Pierrot La Mouche.
Here. This good anywhere in the casbah.
I don't understand this.
I teach you how to play belote,
and you win all the money.
Well, lucky at love, unlucky at cards.
Same thing, really.
Yes, and I'm not lucky at either of them.
Luck changes, Pierrot.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Excuse me.
- Solo here.
- Napoleon, it's IIIya.
SOLO [OVER RADIO]: Where are you?
- I'm in a hotel room with Janine.
- With Janine?
Don't worry, U.N.C.L.E. agents
are gentlemen at all times.
Listen, it's not safe
to leave here right now.
The place is surrounded
with Hamid's boys.
- We won't be able to be there till morning.
- Till morning?
Till morning.
Well, ugh, all right, uh...
By that time, I'll probably be able to win
back a major part of the million francs.
ILLYA:
I beg your pardon.
SOLO:
Hmm, uh, never mind. Take care.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
BEGGAR:
Pierrot.
PIERROT: Yes?
- There is a woman below to see you.
She says she has a message from Janine.
But that cannot be. She's with his friend.
It's a trap of some kind.
Thrush obviously knows you're here.
- Ayesha.
- What? What's that?
Ayesha, that's the most famous
belly dance! in all of North Africa.
Also the girlfriend of Colonel Hamid.
I have never met her, but I have
seen her dance from the balcony.
Ooh, nice vantage point.
Does she know you?
How would someone like that
know someone like me?
She has never laid eyes on me.
- Then this is our big opportunity, isn't it?
- What, effendi?
Don't you think we ought to find out
why she was sent here?
- What? She was sent here to kill me.
- Well, she wouldn't even come close to you.
Take off your clothes.
From now on, I'll be Pierrot La Mouche.
SOLO:
Hmm.
Ahem. I think you ought to have
your eyes examined.
They're not my glasses. I stole them.
Ah!
Send the lady up.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I am Ayesha.
[FRENCH ACCENT]
Hello.
I am Pierrot.
HAMID:
The shortwave, Ali, quickly.
[SHORTWAVE TUNING]
You will report this to Thrush Central?
Of course not. You think I'm mad?
What Thrush Central does not know
won't hurt them.
But what I don't know could prove fatal.
Why did they tell me you were
so little and ugly and insignificant...
...when you are so young and handsome?
Did, uh, the colonel send you here
to tell me that?
ALI:
Effendi, it's not Pierrot's voice.
AYESHA [ON SHORTWAVE]: Oh, you have guessed my true mission.
How perceptive.
I told the colonel it was ridiculous
for me to attempt to influence you.
What man in his right mind
would give up a million francs?
Even for the arms of a beautiful woman
such as myself.
Hmm, your arms are beautiful,
mademoiselle, but--
- Oh, call me Ayesha.
- Ayesha, yes, uh...
Well, uh, there is one thing
that I must tell you.
You're right.
It is not Pierrot that she is talking to.
But then, who is it?
It's that other U.N.C.L.E. agent.
Solo.
[HAMID GASPS]
SOLO: Ahem, uh, you see.
there is, uh, another woman.
AYESHA: Oh, not another woman, darling.
Janine. Oh, yes, I know about her.
Oh, she knows nothing
of how to please a man.
How to make his life
a veritable pinwheel of delights.
SOLO: Hmm.
- Oh, Pierrot.
You have never known a real woman.
Uh, yes, uh, you're right.
I have had a sheltered life.
But, uh, you are a real woman, hmm?
There's still the matter
of the million francs.
Oh, you foolish boy.
You could have both me and the money.
If U.N.C.L.E. is willing to pay
a million francs for the book.
Then is it not possible
that Hamid would pay even more?
[SOLO LAUGHS]
SOLO: You mean,
I can have my cake and eat it too?
AYESHA:
Hmm, yes, of course.
It I could sell the book to Hamid,
then I could return to you with the money.
And we could go away together,
Pierrot, just you and I.
We could go to Beirut.
Oh, darling, life there is so bright,
so gay.
It would be heaven with you.
And for you, it would be paradise.
Oh, don't you think
Colonel Hamid might take offense?
Ugh, that pig.
I have long wearied of him.
Besides, he doesn't appreciate me.
Not as you would, my sweet.
Uh, Ayesha, can I trust you?
Come into my arms, my darling.
And you shall see.
[BUTTONS CLICKING]
What's wrong with it?
Why can't we hear?
It's not the receiver.
Something must be covering
the microphone at her end.
Ali.
[SINGING]
What's that?
They're summoning the faithful
to morning prayer.
Oh.
Somewhere out there, Pierrot's praying.
Praying for what, I wonder.
Happiness. His and yours.
Heh, what would he say
if he could see us now?
[LAUGHS]
- I won't tell if you won't.
- Oh, I won't, believe me.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Breakfast, monsieur.
Coffee and croissants.
And for the young lady,
a geranium from my own flower pot.
Thank you.
Uh, did those men come back?
Uh, the young lady's husband?
No, monsieur.
And if he does, I'll send him away again.
ILLYA: Good.
Uh, would you call us a taxi, please?
- Are you leaving so soon?
- Yes, I'm afraid we have to.
You see, the young lady.
she has a PTA meeting.
[CLERK GRUNTS]
He saw me like this.
If he should tell Pierrot...
ILLYA: Does it matter?
You said you didn't care that much for him.
Oh, I don't,
but I dreamed of him last night.
Monsieur Kuryakin, why would a man
go through all this terrible danger...
...steal that book, risk his life for me?
Oh, because he's a feel
or mad or in love.
And in Pepé's case,
I'd say a bit of all three.
And now he's hidden in the casbah,
with men after him to kill him.
- Well, they're after us too, you know.
- I know.
But somehow, I'm more worried for him.
[SIGHS]
Ayesha.
Effendi, effendi?
Effendi?
There you are.
Guess who's back,
bringing you a big surprise.
I have something for my effendi.
But you must give me something in return.
Is it a bargain?
Bargain?
It is indeed, you desert witch!
[AYESHA SHRIEKS]
You she-devil.
I'll teach you to betray me,
you gutter scum!
Oh, what are you doing?
Have you gone mad?
- I have the book, the Hafiz.
ALI: Effendi, stop.
I'll kill you,
I'll drag you through the streets!
It's the Hafiz, the Hafiz.
[HAMID GRUNTS]
What've I done
that you should treat me this way?
- You have betrayed me.
- Betrayed you?
Did you not send me to Pierrot
to get the book of Hafiz's poems?
- Have I not brought them back?
- But you were out all night, Ayesha.
Well, it's along walk.
Have you ever tried to get a taxi
in the casbah after midnight?
[HAMID GRUNTS]
- What is it?
- You great silly heifer.
You took the wrong book!
It is the book. It is the Hafiz.
Look. See? Hafiz.
The Hafiz, yes.
but not the 14th-century edition.
The only edition we use
for the code book...
...of which there are only two copies
in the entire world.
- But last night, he said--
- Who said?
Pierrot La Mouche. He even read
a great deal of it out loud to me.
Beautifully.
He's not at all like you said he would be.
As a matter of fact, he's quite nice.
Of course, my darling.
Because you were not
with Pierrot La Mouche.
You were reading poetry
with that double-dealing, two-timing...
...womanizing Napoleon Solo,
an U.N.C.L.E. agent.
Oh, I've been brutally used, deceived.
Thank heavens,
I didn't let that deceptive villain go too far.
[RADIO BEEPING OVER SHORTWAVE]
- What is that?
- Well, it's, uh, an U.N.C.L.E. communicator.
- In here?
- No.
By a happy mischance, the shortwave
is coming through via your girdle.
AYESHA: My girdle?
- Yes.
Let us see if we can guess
whose voice we'll hear next.
[RADIO BEEPING]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nobody has any reason
to be that cheerful this early in the morning.
SOLO [ON SHORTWAVE]: Or have you?
- Pienot.
No, moon of my delight.
Solo. Napoleon Solo.
Last night, I had wired you for sound.
The microphone was in your girdle.
And where is your girdle now, hmm?
Well, the breakfast was excellent...
...and we'll be out of here
as soon as we can get a taxi.
Ali, that man fibbed to us.
They are in the hotel. Quick!
All right, uh, take a taxi cab
to the main entrance to the casbah...
...and Pierrot will arrange things
from there.
Right. What about you?
Have you made any progress?
Fine, yeah. Excellently.
ILLYA:
Fine.
[HAMID SIGHS]
I had no trouble
finding you a cab, monsieur.
It's right outside.
Don't do anything foolish, Mr. Kuryakin.
You are surrounded.
You want to go to the casbah, eh? No.
I think, mademoiselle,
that you will bring the casbah to us.
Something
with boiling pomegranate oil in it?
- Do you fancy that, Mr. Kuryakin?
- You monster, you animal.
HAMID:
My dear...
...if you call me names,
you are only tempting fate.
I would far rather be doing this to you,
believe me.
Except that you are, after all,
for the moment, a valuable commodity.
Because you are the one who is going
to tempt Pierrot out of the casbah for me.
So you can kill him? Never!
Well, if you don't, we will all be witness
to a very unhappy hour...
...in the life Monsieur Kuryakin.
Will you pass me those
red-hot pincers, my dear?
[HAMID SIGHS]
[JANINE WHIMPERING]
Oh, no, no, no!
What do you want me to do?
You will write a little letter to Pierrot...
...telling him to meet you outside
the gates of the casbah.
With the book.
IIIya, come in. Where are you?
Why they're not here, eh?
It doesn't take this long to cross the city.
Hamid has got them. He's got them.
Janine, Janine.
Don't leap to conclusions now.
Mr. Kuryakin is a very competent operative.
Which is more than you are,
Monsieur Solo.
Everything you promised
has not developed, no promises.
The only thing
you've succeeded in doing is--
Ahem, well, the impetuous child
seems to have forgotten something.
She has forgotten, huh?
Hamid has forgotten nothing.
Look at that.
She was bugged.
That means that was on the bed
when IIIya contacted me from the hotel.
Hamid heard everything we said
and heard where they were.
And captured them! I told you that.
He captured them. I knew it.
BEGGAR:
Pierrot.
It's Janine's handwriting.
I knew it, he has her. Hamid has her.
Pierrot, now, wait a second.
Wait, this is a trap. Now...
[SOLO SCREAMS]
He'll kill you and the girl.
[GRUNTING]
JANINE:
Monsieur Kuryakin.
Mr. Kuryakin, what are you doing?
You're going to bum yourself to a crisp.
ILLYA: Theoretically,
this rope should bum through before I do.
I hope.
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
Good, good, excellent.
Pierrot is on his way to the casbah gates.
Let's get the girl, quick.
JANINE:
They're coming.
Ah, my dear,
one should never discount true love.
You will be happy to learn that our good
Pierrot is prepared to sacrifice anything...
...just as long as we don't sacrifice you.
Oh, no, you'll kill him.
Of course. But he does not know that.
Oh, and it will be a happy death.
In your arm.
Just like the last act of Ai'da...
...which happens to be
my favorite opera.
Do you agree, Monsieur Kurya--?
You fool, you ruined everything.
Why didn't you keep your eyes open?
You know those U.N.C.L.E. men
cannot be trusted.
I'll kill them both.
I'll shoot them both down like dogs.
Oh, no, you don't.
You are not going to open that door.
You are not going to shoot anybody,
because we do not have the time.
Pierrot is almost at the casbah gates
and we must get there.
Pierrot won't come out of the casbah
unless the girl is there.
Effendi, what's wrong? The car is here.
Daughter of a camel,
you have a blonde wig?
- What are you doing now?
ILLYA: That's an oubliette, a trap door.
The colonel probably used this
for getting rid of bad customers...
...persistent bill collectors
and old girlfriends.
My coat.
SOLO: Stop, you can't go out there.
- Don't try to stop me, I warn you.
- Don't be a fool, Pierrot. Give me that book.
- No, it's all I have to save her life.
You can save her life.
Hamid will kill you and Janine
the moment he has his hands on that.
The only chance you have of saving her
is by not going out.
There they are.
I see him. He's up there, effendi.
He won't believe it.
I don't even have the right color lipstick.
He'll believe it. Bury your face in this.
And tremble.
Man die", he has a gun
pointed to her head.
Colonel Hamid, I am coming down.
I have the book.
Pierrot, I must have that book.
If you go down there,
you're signing your death warrant.
If Hamid doesn't shoot you, I'll have to.
Now, give me that book, Pierrot.
Colonel Hamid!
Back out to the chain
and I will throw the book.
Bring the book!
- Pierrot, you're out of your mind.
- I love her, she's my whole life.
[GRUNTING]
- Run to him.
- Janine!
[SOLO GRUNTS]
It's Pierrot.
Hurry, get the book.
Look, she's impersonating me.
KURYAKIN: Wait, she's a fake.
- Here I am, Pierrot.
[GUNFIRE]
It's me! It's me!
Pierrot, it's me.
- It's me, Pierrot.
PIERROT: Janine.
JANINE:
Pierrot!
Oh, Pierrot, please don't die.
The money. The money.
Give all the money to Janine.
The wish 01a dying man.
[GASPING]
Do you have the book?
- I don't have the book. Don't you have it?
SOLO: No.
ILLYA:
It's gone.
Somebody probably snatched it.
- No doubt to wrap up some smoked squid.
- The book is gone.
I have-- I have failed.
I have failed you, Janine.
JANINE:
Don't worry about me, my love.
Please, please, Pierrot, don't die.
He won't. He's no more dying than I am.
You-- You monster. How can you?
I saw the bullets hit him myself?
He may very well have been hit,
mademoiselle.
But I don't think a cannon
couldn't penetrate this.
As the poet Hafiz so truly observed...
...rhinestones are boy's best friend.
And that's the, uh, last I saw of it,
Mr. Waverly.
[WAVERLY SIGHS]
Fortunes of war, Mr. Kuryakin.
And that message to Colonel Hamid...
...I'm afraid
it never will be decoded now.
And it just might be
of earth-shaking importance.
If only I had did what they asked...
...we'd have the money,
we'd be in Paris now.
We found each other, Pierrot.
And that's more important than Paris
or the whole world to me.
AYESHA:
Ah, he is the new one.
Ayesha, this is Mr. Waverly,
my, uh, boss.
WAVERLY: I'm charmed.
- Your boss?
Did you see my dance?
Oh, I did, indeed, my deal.
It was quite, uh, Oriental.
Did I hear you discussing
a certain book of poetry?
The 14th-century Hafiz?
Are you interested, Mr. Waverly?
What do you think it's worth?
Well, that depends entirely
on the nature of this message.
You have an honest face.
I trust you to pay me what is right.
SOLO:
Hmm, I should have known. She had it.
“Colonel Hamid Ibris. Greetings.
Because of gross incompetence
and other failings...
...you are hereby
dishonorably discharged.
Regards, Thrush Central.“
[JANINE LAUGHS]
Heh, I'm sorry.
[AYESHA SIGHS]
It is truly written. Win a few, lose a few.
[ENGLISH SDH]