The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Candidate's Wife Affair - full transcript
Thrush kidnaps the wife of a U.S. presidential candidate and substitutes a double.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Goodbye, darling.
SOLO:
Just one more, Mrs. Bryant.
- Does your husband know?
- Certainly not, Mr. Solo.
Besides, who's going to try to kidnap me
with you at my side? Get in.
SOLO: As the wife
of the leading presidential candidate...
...I could give you a list
from hereto Mendocino.
Good morning. I'm sorry I'm late,
but I had to pack for the senator.
Why, certainly, Mrs. Bryant.
Monsieur Frangois is in Booth 10
waiting for you.
Thank you.
Uh, gentlemen are not allowed
beyond these portals, sir.
Well, I'm no gentleman. I'm the press.
And taking pictures of Mrs. Bryant?
“A Day in the Life 01a Candidate's Wife,"
you know.
Mm-hm.
Monsieur Francois?
Uh, there is a press photographer here
who came in with Mrs. Bryant.
A Mister, uh...?
Uh, Solo. Napoleon Solo.
Solo.
Taking pictures for a story
on Mrs. Bryant.
Thank you.
It will be quite all right, Mr. Solo.
Only, in order not to make
our other customers self-conscious...
...do you mind?
Now, let's see if this is your size.
- Mm-hm.
- Hmm.
ETIENNE:
Good morning, madam. I am Etienne.
Isn't Frangois taking care of me
this morning?
He will be in presently, madam.
[MIRANDA SIGHS]
MIRANDA: Mm!
- Too warm, madam?
MIRANDA:
Mm-hm.
ETIENNE: But it is good for you.
MIRANDA: Oh.
It cleanses the pores.
MIRANDA:
But it's so hot.
Oh.
Are the towels too hot, madam?
IRINA:
No, they're wonderful.
In fact,
I feel like a different woman already.
SIGNE: Exactly what we're trying
to achieve, madam.
[IRINA GASPS]
SIGNE:
To make you into a new woman.
Good afternoon.
WAVERLY:
Mr. Solo.
It's exactly three hours,
eight and a halt minutes...
...since you've contacted this office.
So long? Well, I'm sorry, sir.
Time passes so quickly
when you're in pleasant company.
Such a charming woman, Mrs. Bryant.
WAVERLY:
Exactly.
And you were assigned, Mr. Solo,
to protect her from being kidnapped.
Yes, I can assure you,
she's in the best of health.
After her beauty appointment,
we had cocktails.
I dropped her off at her hotel.
Delightful morning.
Well, the trouble, Mr. Solo,
is that however delightful the lady may be...
...she is not Mrs. Bryant.
Say what?
You are looking at an audiogram,
Napoleon.
An exact electronic replica
of Mrs. Bryant's voice, taken from our files.
In an effort to find you,
we just telephoned...
...and spoke to the woman
calling herself Mrs. Bryant.
This is that audiogram
taken 10 minutes ago.
You notice anything?
Well, they're not very much alike,
are they?
WAVERLY:
They're not in the least alike.
Mrs. Bryant has been kidnapped
and is now somewhere in the city...
...in the hands of Thrush, thanks to you.
That's impossible.
I mean, there must be some error.
I never left her side
for more than a minute all morning.
Well, a minute's quite enough.
Even 30 seconds, for that matter.
No, I still don't believe it.
See for yourself.
I'm afraid this time, Napoleon,
they've put one over on you.
Well, where could they have done it?
I was photographing her all morning,
I didn't leave her side except...
...once I...
Well, to put on a little smock
at the beauty parlor.
You must have looked divine.
WAVERLY:
Well, that must have been it.
Mr. Kuryakin,
they don't know you there as yet.
Check out the place and the personnel.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Senator Bryant is leaving for Washington
in 45 minutes.
I suggest you get to him on the double,
Mr. Solo.
Does he know?
That's why I want you to hurry.
Well, what could I say to him, uh...?
Well, I don't know the exact words...
...but I think, surely, the senator
has a right to know that the woman...
...who's kissing him goodbye
is not his wife.
Oh...
Yes, sir.
MIRANDA:
Where am I?
CAXTON:
My dear Mrs. Bryant, no harm will--
What are you doing with me?
Nothing to be alarmed about,
my dear lady.
My husband, where's my husband?
At the moment, enjoying the company
of a very charming young lady...
...who has the good taste to be
an exact duplicate of yourself, Mrs. Bryant.
A duplicate of me?
A remarkable one.
You see, we've been able to condition
the young lady...
...so that she not only looks
like Miranda Bryant...
...but is completely briefed
in every nuance of your life.
Or at least as many nuances
as she'll require for the next 48 hours.
And then we'll be able
to send you back...
...suitably conditioned
to obey our slightest command.
You monster.
CAXTON:
Prepare the anesthetic, please.
[MIRANDA GRUNTING]
Great. We've got New Jersey
locked up now.
We should get a few more
from upstate, huh?
Go talk to the man. Nicely.
Fairbanks, Senator Bryant?
I've got to see him.
You and 200 others.
He's on his way to the airport.
Got an appointment in Washington
to see the president in four hours.
He's left?
We", almost.
He's in there saying goodbye to his wife.
I, uh...
I wouldn't if I were you, young man.
After all,
they're still practically newlyweds.
I must see him before he leaves.
It's absolutely top priority.
- It's personal and urgent.
- Hmm.
- You're one of Waverly's men, huh?
- That's right.
FAIRBANKS:
Excuse me. Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, girls. Excuse me, please.
It's all right, Joseph.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, excuse me.
Mr. Solo, demon photographer is one thing,
peeping Torn quite another.
Mr. Solo was my escort this morning,
darling.
Oh, yes. Hello, Mr. Solo.
Uh, hello, senator.
I-- I must speak to you.
It's rather urgent.
Well, go ahead.
Well, it's also confidential. Uh...
Mr. Fairbanks had better stay, but, uh...
I have no secrets from my wife, Mr. Solo.
It's all right, darling.
I'll wait for you outside.
Great girl. Always understands.
Are you married, Mr. Solo?
SOLO:
Uh, no, I'm not.
Nothing like it, believe me.
I do, uh, senator.
- Don't forget Charlie, huh?
- Charlie. Say, that's a good idea.
- Read about him.
- Senator, senator, uh...
Uh, Mr. Solo, I have about three minutes.
Now, what's on your mind?
All right, uh, believe me,
what I am going to say now...
...will not make a great deal of sense...
...but, uh, the woman
that you were just kissing...?
She's not your wife.
What?
I-- I don't believe I read you, sir.
I-- I know she looks like your wife, senator,
and she acts like your wife...
...and she sounds like your wife,
but she's not your wife.
And no one wishes she were
more than I do. It's just that, uh...
I know she's a very reasonable facsimile.
Very, but...
...she is not genuine box top.
Do you know what he's talking about?
Am I crazy or is he crazy?
FAIRBANKS: I don't know.
He is one of Waverly's men, but...
Now, my wife is not my wife?
Uh, no, she isn't.
The real Mrs. Bryant has been kidnapped.
Mr. Solo, are you trying to tell me
that I don't know my own wife?
- Well, let's find out.
- Uh, senator, believe me.
Uh, someone has gone to a great deal
of trouble to make us think otherwise.
The real Mrs. Bryant has been kidnapped.
Now, uh, it you reveal
that we're on to them now...
...I don't know what might happen to her,
the real Mrs. Bryant.
All right, Arnold.
call the FBI, call the CIA.
No, you mustn't, for the same reason.
He's right, senator.
Let's just...
Let's just wait a minute now.
I'm as taken aback by this thing
as you are.
I don't know that I believe it,
but whatever we do...
...we've got to move carefully.
There are 5000 people waiting out there
to nominate you...
...as their candidate for president
the end of the week.
Any kind of scandal
could tip this whole thing.
Arnold, we're not talking politics now.
We're talking about my wife,
do you understand?
My wife and her safety.
If what this man says is true,
even partially true--
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Your car's ready, darling.
BRYANT:
It's impossible.
You mean that she isn't my wife?
I'm afraid she isn't, senator.
- What do you want me to do?
SOLO: Go to Washington.
Just as if nothing has happened.
When you come back,
we will have found Mrs. Bryant.
All right.
But if you're wrong about any of this,
if anything happens to my wife...
...I'll not only have your job or any job
you ever hope to have, Mr. Solo...
...but I'll take on U.N.C.L.E.
- And when I'm finished--
- Yes.
I understand, senator.
Good.
[CROWD CHEERING]
You take good care of her, Mr. Solo.
Stay close.
Every minute.
And, darling, you're not to take
that kidnap threat seriously.
I'm sure it's just one of those cranks.
Well, you never know about cranks.
You'll call me tonight?
As soon as I can.
Whatever the hour, I'll be awake.
Let's go.
[SIREN WAILING]
Where are we going?
Just for a ride.
Don't you like the view?
Mr. Solo, watching over me is one thing.
Treating me like I'm a prisoner
is quite another.
Why don't you stop pretending?
What don't I what?
Why don't you stop
your very clever impersonation...
...of Mrs. Bryant?
My what?
Mr. Solo.
We'll solve the puzzle in a minute or two.
Take this, will you?
Take what?
It's concentrated truth serum
in tablet form.
Now, I would rather that you would tell us
everything of your own volition, but...
01 my--?
Driver, stop this car and let me out.
I'm sorry, madam.
that's quite impossible in this traffic.
[DOOR HANDLE RATTLES]
Mr. Solo, have you taken leave
of your senses?
Stop this car and let me out.
No, not until you tell me
who's behind you...
...what they've done
with the senator's wife, and where she is.
You've gone mad. You're absolutely mad.
I would rather you would cooperate
of your own will, but if you won't.
You'd better take the pill, madam...
...or Napoleon will be forced
to hold your nose and make you take it.
He wouldn't dare.
Is that right?
[WOMAN YELPING]
[GASPS]
Eight, seven, six, five, four.
three, two, one.
Blast off.
What's your name?
Miranda Bryant.
No, no, that's not right.
Before I was married, it was Miranda Field.
In school, they called me Butch,
my mother called me Blinkums...
...and my husband calls me
sweetie pie.
Hmm, that's odd.
It's never worked like that before.
Maybe her blood
has a high resistance factor.
Give her another pill.
Oh. Here.
Thank you.
There was a girl in Honduras.
I had to give her three pills
before she'd tell her right age.
Is that right?
Seven, six, five, four.
three, two, one, blast off.
Once more, what's your name?
Miranda Bryant.
Before I was married,
it was Miranda Field.
When I was in school,
they called me Butch.
- My mother called me--
- All right, that's enough.
- Butch I know about.
- You better try another tack.
Where did you first meet the senator,
madam?
I met him in Arnold Fairbanks' office.
I was working as a volunteer
on his last campaign.
Do you love your husband?
Madly.
[YAWNING]
Why are you yawning then?
Does the idea of your husband have you?
Oh, no, no, no.
My husband's the most marvel--
Excuse me.
[YAWNING]
He's the most marvelous man
in the world.
I beg your pardon, but all of a sudden,
I'm very sleepy.
- Wonderful.
- Sleepy? Now?
She can't be. She's not supposed to be.
- No, no.
- Wake her up.
Wake up. Wake up. Don't do that.
- You know something? You're very nice.
- Stay awake.
- Come on now.
- You're very nice.
I think I could rather like you.
- Don't. Stop that now. Sit up.
- This is soft.
- Keep your eyes open.
- Napoleon, really.
Don't you ever tum it off?
Well, it's not my fault.
When you've got it, you've got it.
I've got it.
Miranda?
Ethel?
Jean?
Pat?
Eunice?
Miss Doe?
Strange.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes?
It is I.
How's the sleeping beauty?
Well, still sleeping.
It's been three hours now.
You Prince Charmings are all alike.
I've always told you that one day,
your devastating charm would backfire.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
What did you dig up at Frangois?
Nothing so far.
I blew all the circuits
and flushed the old deals in hair curlers...
...into the street,
but I couldn't find anything.
Are you sure
that's where the switch took place?
If it did happen,
it couldn't have been anywhere else.
What do you mean, “If it did happen“?
You having doubts?
You heard her this afternoon.
She never fumbled an answer once.
Well, she could have been programmed
into believing she's Miranda Bryant.
That might be.
Tell you what, I'll have another go
at Madame X here.
You take another crack
at the beauty salon, all right?
All right, but it will have to be
after the shop closes.
Hey, that's breaking and entering.
SOLO [OVER RADIO]:
That's what you do best.
- What did you say?
- I said, “That's what you do best.“
[AIR DUCT OPENS THEN CLOSES]
SOLO: Come on, up. Get up. Get up.
IRINA: Mm. Unh.
SOLO: Come on, walk.
IRINA: Unh, unh.
Walk, come on. Walk, walk, walk.
Walk, walk, walk.
- Good. Get on your feet. Come on, walk.
IRINA: Unh.
Now, all right now, hold on.
I want you to drink some coffee.
Hold on. Hold on now.
Oh!
[SOLO GROANING]
All right, now drink some of this.
- Here. Come on, drink, drink, drink.
- No, I don't want any coffee.
- Drink, drink, drink up. Drink some of this.
- I don't like coffee.
Drink it.
- That's good, all right.
- Ugh.
Now, walk around.
You slept too long as it is.
Come on now, walk.
- Don't make me drag you. Walk around.
IRINA: I don't wanna. Stop. Ha-ha-ha.
- There's nothing funny. Come on, now.
IRINA: Ha-ha-ha!
Up. Drink some more coffee.
IRINA: I don't want any more coffee.
- Get up, get up, get up.
Here, drink some more. Good, good.
Good coffee. Warm, good. Mm, yeah.
- Like that? Now we take another walk.
- I don't like it.
- I don't like this. I want to sleep.
- You slept too long. Walk again.
SOLO: You walk. Good? All right.
IRINA: Okay, I walk.
SOLO: Oh! Unh. Come on.
IRINA: Ha-ha-ha!
Up!
[BOTH PANTING]
Ooh! Those lights are so bright.
Would you shut the light 0”, please?
- Light?
- Yes.
Unh. All right.
[IRINA GIGGLING]
Come on, now.
Get up. Come on, up, up.
- I don't want to. No.
- Go in the bathroom, wash your face.
Come on, walk. You've gotta walk.
- Come on, walk. Walk, walk.
- I have to walk. I lost my shoe.
- Walk.
- I lost--
[SIGHS THEN GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[MAN PUNCHING SOLO'S HAND]
[MAN SCREAMS]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Thank you.
Where did you learn judo?
What?
That was the greatest demonstration.
Who taught you?
- Taught me what?
- Judo.
Well, I...
I saw you...
[BOTH PANTING]
- Well, he was after you, and I just--
- Don't apologize. You did the right thing.
- He was gonna kill you.
- Ha, ha. He was indeed.
Why?
I'm not sure I know the answer anymore.
My dear, I don't know who you are
or what you are...
...but, uh, anyone who saves my life
the way you did...
Whatever happens, I want you to know
that I'm on your side.
But I thought you always were.
She'll be regaining consciousness
any moment, I think.
- The anesthetic is wearing off nicely.
- Good.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Someone's upstairs.
It's that man who was here this afternoon
when the power blew out.
Is it, now?
How very interesting.
Etienne. But be gentle.
We may have some use for him.
[GRUNTS]
U.N.C.L.E.'s adventures in Wonderland.
[CAXTON GIGGLES]
Except in this version, young man,
you are the White Rabbit.
CAXTON: Or should I say,
“You're our new guinea pig“?
"0 flab/nus day! Cal/aah! Cal/av!"
[CAXTON CHUCKLES]
Just when things were getting dull too.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Delaware's okay...
...but I'm having a little trouble
with the Oregon delegation.
- What's the matter with them?
- That's the problem. I can't find them.
They're all out having dinner
in Chinatown.
Have some of the boys round them up.
Enough people hanging around here
with nothing to do.
Mr. Fairbanks...
...do your know how many restaurants
there are in Chinatown?
Have one of the boys count them
as they go.
The information will come in handy
during a primary some day.
You're very silent.
Hmm?
You look like the little girl who's just about
to have her knuckles rapped...
...by the headmistress of...
What was that academy you went to?
- Marbury.
- Mm-hm.
Mr. Solo,
must you always ask questions?
Well, it's a professional liability.
You'll get used to it.
That's what I'm afraid of.
What's the matter?
You, and everything that's happened.
I don't know why.
Saving a gentleman's life
is generally considered a meritorious action.
If word leaks out, you may become
Brownie to an Eagle Scout overnight.
But word mustn't leak out
about anything that's happened today.
I love my husband, I do.
Very, very much.
That's why I can't understand why
when I'm with you, it makes...
[IRINA SCOFFS]
I'm really very confused.
Not half as confused as I am.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Mrs. Bryant, what a pleasant surprise.
Get Mrs. Bryant a cup of coffee
and a place to sit down.
- I've gotta see Fairbanks.
- He's inside.
- Thank you.
- Be my pleasure, Mrs. Bryant.
Right over here.
Plenty more room on the bandwagon.
Right.
What are you doing back here?
Something happened?
Something's happened. Among other things,
I got a call from the senator.
Bryant?
- Yes, Bryant.
He's been trying to reach you
all over town.
He wants you to meet him
at the airport tonight.
- Tonight? Ha, ha. You mean tomorrow.
- No, he's flying back tonight.
No, he can't.
He can't come back tonight.
He can't do this to me.
If he were to come back here now...
Gloria, get me Senator Bryant.
I know he's in Washington.
You've a fascinating head, Mr. Kuryakin.
Truly fascinating.
But so much more fascinating
when I've finished with it.
You wait.
You don't have to convince me
of your work.
That second Mrs. Bryant
is a remarkable job.
She manages to play the senator's wife
even when she's loaded...
...with our most effective truth pills.
Ah, that's the beauty of my method.
She's not playing a pan.
She really believes she is Miranda Bryant.
Oh, won't two Miranda Bryants
be crowding the senator a bit?
Oh, no. No, not at all.
A simple injection of this,
uh, triexel phermate...
...and the young girl reverts
to her own personality.
It's all very simple, really.
Very clever too.
Programming the future president
of the United States...
...might be a little awkward.
But who'd ever suspect
that it's all done with, uh...
...pillow talk.
[CAXTON CHUCKLES]
You're a very perceptive young man.
He knows if he so much
as shows his face around here...
...before we have the delegates
in our pockets, we could lose everything.
Oh, no.
No, I've worked too hard and too long
to get that boy into this position.
What?
Yes, I see.
[TELEPHONE SLAMS]
Well, he's left, all right.
Almost in the White House...
...and now he's, um...
He's imperiling everything
we've worked for...
...slaved for, lived for for 10 years,
and all because of her.
Well, you can't blame a man
for worrying about his wife.
That marriage.
Here was a man who could have married
any woman in the country.
And he picks some little ninny
that he meets by chance at my house.
In my own house.
Sorting campaign literature.
Running the coffee machine
for the volunteers.
Where's the girl?
What have you done with her?
You were told not to take your eyes off her
for an instant.
I haven't. She's outside
with your number-one boy.
He'll take care of her.
That's why I'm here.
I have run into some, uh, let's say.
contradictions about Mrs. Bryant.
Contradictions?
- Mm-hm.
What do you mean, “contradictions“?
You're not trying to tell me
that after all this...
...you boys are starting
to reverse yourselves, are you?
Uh, don't anticipate things, Fairbanks.
It's not that simple.
If you've put us through all this
for nothing...
...called back the senator,
maybe cost us the election...
...and all the time,
this is the real Miranda Bryant.
I didn't say that.
There are just some things...
...that I don't understand.
They don't add up, not clear.
I wanna put her to a test.
You gave me an idea.
- Give me the keys to your house.
- My house?
Yes, you said she met the senator
working there on some campaign?
If she's the real Mrs. Bryant, she'll know
her way around the place, right?
I suppose so.
If she's not the real Mrs. Bryant,
she won't.
Because though they may have
programmed her...
...in regard to dates and places,
she won't know, for instance...
...where the, uh, secretary keeps
the instant coffee.
[FAIRBANKS SIGHS]
I think you're wasting
a lot of precious time, Solo.
But if you insist...
do.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yes?
I told you I must have 48 hours.
But you can't move her now,
that's impossible.
I don't know what she'll do or say.
But I won't--
Yes. Yes, I understand.
All right, all right.
Signe, Etienne.
remove him from the table.
We've got to get the woman ready
in an hour.
What on earth are we doing here?
Arnold's at the convention.
So you know the place?
Yes, I worked here as a volunteer.
That's how I met Steve.
Yes, Fairbanks told me.
Well, since you know the place,
you lead the way, all right?
Fairbanks gave me the key.
Bring back sentimental memories?
Napoleon, please don't be unkind to me.
Atavistic old place.
I suppose it's a throwback to the days
of ward heelers and brass spittoons.
Why'd you bring me here?
[SOLO SCOFFS]
Excellent question.
Why, indeed?
An impulse? An inspiration?
A suspicion?
Prescience?
Or just, perhaps, to be alone with you?
We haven't got much longer to be alone,
have we?
No.
Why am I here?
Because something is happening.
You're as aware of it as I am.
Hmm?
And something else is happening too.
Kidnap threats, strange disappearances,
even stranger appearances.
After today.
you should be aware of the fact...
...that you're involved
in some diabolical plot.
Either someone is trying,
among other things, to ruin your marriage.
_Or__
- Who would do a thing like that?
Many people.
Political enemies, for instance.
Political friends.
Arnold Fairbanks, for instance.
Arnold?
Arnold's our best friend.
He's your husband's best friend.
There's a difference.
And he's let it be known
he wasn't exactly thrilled...
...about your marriage, you know.
I don't believe that.
Fairbanks is ambitious
for your husband...
...like Caesar and Caesar's wife.
The question is, this time,
who is above suspicion?
Where does Fairbanks
keep his confidential files?
Well, how should I know?
You labored here in the senator's vineyards
and won all hearts.
We're all volunteer workers.
We didn't have access
to anything confidential.
You still must have some idea
where things were located.
Even Bluebeard told his wives
where not to go.
Mr. Solo, yours is a strange world.
Living with all this deceit and violence
has done something to you.
You're right.
It's taught me to trust no one.
[DRAWER CLOSES]
Not even myself.
Especially with you.
What do you know about this place?
Try to remember something.
I remember nothing.
I mean, whatever I knew about this place,
I have long since forgotten.
Don't give up so easily. Try, think hard.
No, please, just take me out of here.
I don't like any of this.
I don't like that drug you gave me.
Nothing's clear anymore.
I don't know what it's made me say
or do or feel.
Nothing about the office?
Nothing about the files?
No, nothing.
I'm sorry.
I had to do it. I had to make sure.
For both of us.
You're not her.
- Who are you?
-[WHISPERS] Napoleon.
[ALL GRUNTING]
Are you all right?
Hair dye?
Does Arnold dye his hair too?
They got away.
I was afraid something like this
might happen.
Mm-hm.
Uh, here's something of yours, Fairbanks.
All right, drop the gun.
How convenient of you and Mrs. Bryant...
...to patronize the same beauty salon.
Sometimes the long arm of serendipity
outsmarts us all.
Too bad, it was a great try.
I wouldn't, Mr. Solo.
If there's one thing I've learned in politics,
it's never count your ballots...
...before the returns are in.
[SOLO SIGHS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[PHONE DIALING]
Well, where is she?
[OVER PHONE]
What are you doing to me?
CAXTON:
We're doing all we can.
She's not completely out of it yet.
I don't care what kind of shape she's in.
Just get her over here right now.
[TELEPHONE SLAMS OVER PHONE]
What's the matter, doctor?
You look worried.
That's how it is.
The ignorant Philistine always gets
in the way of the true artist.
Arnold?
Where is she? Why isn't she here?
Steve, she's on her way here
right now, relax.
Arnold, if you don't bring her here,
so help me, I'll kill you.
Now take it easy.
I've never let you down before
not gonna let you down now.
Believe me, she's as anxious to see you
as you are to see her.
Tell me, how is he? The president?
Worried, and so am I.
You said she'd be here, Arnold.
and she isn't here.
She'll be here before you know it.
Now the only thing you've got to worry
about is your acceptance speech, right?
Well, I got two days
to worry about that.
As a matter of fact, Steve.
you've kind of forced my hand on that.
- Hmm?
- It's tonight or never.
Now, you gotta get your thinking cap on.
You know what this thing is crying for?
The old Bryant touch.
Now that's something nobody's get
but you, right, Steve?
SIGNE: Now stop that,
and don't give me any more trouble.
IRINA: Let me go.
SIGNE: Stop it.
Let me go. Aah!
[SIGNE SLAPS WOMAN]
Come along, Mrs. Bryant, sit up.
- Wake up.
- Doctor, I can't handle this woman.
Couldn't I get rid of her?
Get rid of them all?
Later. I'll stay behind...
...and see that they're disposed of
along with the building.
But I need them alive for that.
Hurry up with that dress
and get her over to Fairbanks.
Doctor, merely as a point
of information, uh...
...how do you intend to dispose of us
when the happy hour approaches?
It was your friend's idea.
- Mine?
CAXTON: Yes.
This morning, when you invaded us
disguised as an electrician...
...you stated that the entire place
was riddled with detective wiring.
We might all be electrocuted.
Well, you will be.
You could've come in as a plumber.
Who is that woman?
Why'd you give her my dress?
Shut her up and bring them upstairs.
- Do you have to kill her too?
CAXTON: Unfortunately, yes.
You see, Etienne, Miss Signe, myself
must all seem to perish in the cataclysm...
...about to engulf our little edifice.
And for that, I need three bodies:
two males, one female.
And the young woman
already hereto oblige us.
Believe me, it's purely
a matter of necessity...
...not of any lust for blood.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yes?
Yes, Arnold, everything's in order.
Mrs. Bryant is leaving right now.
Splendid. I'll see you next week.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Bring them along.
Ladies first.
[ALL GRUNTING]
She's a judo expert.
At least a black belt--
"with clusters.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Come on, all you've gotta do is go out there
and it's in the bag.
I told you, Arnold, I'm not going out there
without seeing my wife.
MAN:
There she is.
Are you satisfied now?
Take him up.
[MOUTHS]
Thank you.
Miranda, listen to me carefully.
Do you hear those cheers?
They're for the future president
of the United States, your husband.
I want you to go out there
and give him a big kiss.
Remember,
this is his moment of triumph.
Wave, smile to the crowd.
Do you understand?
- Don't worry, Arnold, I know what to do.
- That's the girl.
Don't enjoy it too much, Fairbanks.
Do you see those men?
They want to kill your husband.
- Shoot them.
- Hmm?
Shoot them!
[GUNSHOT]
They're waiting for you, Mrs. Bryant.
[MOUTHS]
Thank you.
Miranda was...
Was programmed to...
To obey all my commands.
“Was," Arnold.
We deprogrammed her.
Triexel phermate.
Miranda, is it really you?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
It is you.
IRINA:
So you cats finally made it.
Ah. Huh.
Like, I'm grateful.
I mean, all those years teaching judo
to these chicks in the Big Sur.
I finally made the big scene.
I owe it all to you.
- Uh, us?
IRINA: Yeah.
I thought we were in your debt?
Oh, no, man, you don't understand.
It's because of you
that I got the bread for this.
Your report of the young lady's help
the other night so intrigued me...
...I felt we owed her a reciprocal favor.
[IRINA CHUCKLES]
This cool cat son of bought
a couple of lifetime memberships...
...and with the bread,
I built me this castle.
Well, it's a most impressive, uh, bakery.
Lifetime memberships for you, sir?
Oh, goodness no. No, no.
For you two, naturally.
Oh, well, thank you, uh...
Not at all, not at all.
My pleasure, gentlemen.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
[ENGLISH SDH]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Goodbye, darling.
SOLO:
Just one more, Mrs. Bryant.
- Does your husband know?
- Certainly not, Mr. Solo.
Besides, who's going to try to kidnap me
with you at my side? Get in.
SOLO: As the wife
of the leading presidential candidate...
...I could give you a list
from hereto Mendocino.
Good morning. I'm sorry I'm late,
but I had to pack for the senator.
Why, certainly, Mrs. Bryant.
Monsieur Frangois is in Booth 10
waiting for you.
Thank you.
Uh, gentlemen are not allowed
beyond these portals, sir.
Well, I'm no gentleman. I'm the press.
And taking pictures of Mrs. Bryant?
“A Day in the Life 01a Candidate's Wife,"
you know.
Mm-hm.
Monsieur Francois?
Uh, there is a press photographer here
who came in with Mrs. Bryant.
A Mister, uh...?
Uh, Solo. Napoleon Solo.
Solo.
Taking pictures for a story
on Mrs. Bryant.
Thank you.
It will be quite all right, Mr. Solo.
Only, in order not to make
our other customers self-conscious...
...do you mind?
Now, let's see if this is your size.
- Mm-hm.
- Hmm.
ETIENNE:
Good morning, madam. I am Etienne.
Isn't Frangois taking care of me
this morning?
He will be in presently, madam.
[MIRANDA SIGHS]
MIRANDA: Mm!
- Too warm, madam?
MIRANDA:
Mm-hm.
ETIENNE: But it is good for you.
MIRANDA: Oh.
It cleanses the pores.
MIRANDA:
But it's so hot.
Oh.
Are the towels too hot, madam?
IRINA:
No, they're wonderful.
In fact,
I feel like a different woman already.
SIGNE: Exactly what we're trying
to achieve, madam.
[IRINA GASPS]
SIGNE:
To make you into a new woman.
Good afternoon.
WAVERLY:
Mr. Solo.
It's exactly three hours,
eight and a halt minutes...
...since you've contacted this office.
So long? Well, I'm sorry, sir.
Time passes so quickly
when you're in pleasant company.
Such a charming woman, Mrs. Bryant.
WAVERLY:
Exactly.
And you were assigned, Mr. Solo,
to protect her from being kidnapped.
Yes, I can assure you,
she's in the best of health.
After her beauty appointment,
we had cocktails.
I dropped her off at her hotel.
Delightful morning.
Well, the trouble, Mr. Solo,
is that however delightful the lady may be...
...she is not Mrs. Bryant.
Say what?
You are looking at an audiogram,
Napoleon.
An exact electronic replica
of Mrs. Bryant's voice, taken from our files.
In an effort to find you,
we just telephoned...
...and spoke to the woman
calling herself Mrs. Bryant.
This is that audiogram
taken 10 minutes ago.
You notice anything?
Well, they're not very much alike,
are they?
WAVERLY:
They're not in the least alike.
Mrs. Bryant has been kidnapped
and is now somewhere in the city...
...in the hands of Thrush, thanks to you.
That's impossible.
I mean, there must be some error.
I never left her side
for more than a minute all morning.
Well, a minute's quite enough.
Even 30 seconds, for that matter.
No, I still don't believe it.
See for yourself.
I'm afraid this time, Napoleon,
they've put one over on you.
Well, where could they have done it?
I was photographing her all morning,
I didn't leave her side except...
...once I...
Well, to put on a little smock
at the beauty parlor.
You must have looked divine.
WAVERLY:
Well, that must have been it.
Mr. Kuryakin,
they don't know you there as yet.
Check out the place and the personnel.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Senator Bryant is leaving for Washington
in 45 minutes.
I suggest you get to him on the double,
Mr. Solo.
Does he know?
That's why I want you to hurry.
Well, what could I say to him, uh...?
Well, I don't know the exact words...
...but I think, surely, the senator
has a right to know that the woman...
...who's kissing him goodbye
is not his wife.
Oh...
Yes, sir.
MIRANDA:
Where am I?
CAXTON:
My dear Mrs. Bryant, no harm will--
What are you doing with me?
Nothing to be alarmed about,
my dear lady.
My husband, where's my husband?
At the moment, enjoying the company
of a very charming young lady...
...who has the good taste to be
an exact duplicate of yourself, Mrs. Bryant.
A duplicate of me?
A remarkable one.
You see, we've been able to condition
the young lady...
...so that she not only looks
like Miranda Bryant...
...but is completely briefed
in every nuance of your life.
Or at least as many nuances
as she'll require for the next 48 hours.
And then we'll be able
to send you back...
...suitably conditioned
to obey our slightest command.
You monster.
CAXTON:
Prepare the anesthetic, please.
[MIRANDA GRUNTING]
Great. We've got New Jersey
locked up now.
We should get a few more
from upstate, huh?
Go talk to the man. Nicely.
Fairbanks, Senator Bryant?
I've got to see him.
You and 200 others.
He's on his way to the airport.
Got an appointment in Washington
to see the president in four hours.
He's left?
We", almost.
He's in there saying goodbye to his wife.
I, uh...
I wouldn't if I were you, young man.
After all,
they're still practically newlyweds.
I must see him before he leaves.
It's absolutely top priority.
- It's personal and urgent.
- Hmm.
- You're one of Waverly's men, huh?
- That's right.
FAIRBANKS:
Excuse me. Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, girls. Excuse me, please.
It's all right, Joseph.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, excuse me.
Mr. Solo, demon photographer is one thing,
peeping Torn quite another.
Mr. Solo was my escort this morning,
darling.
Oh, yes. Hello, Mr. Solo.
Uh, hello, senator.
I-- I must speak to you.
It's rather urgent.
Well, go ahead.
Well, it's also confidential. Uh...
Mr. Fairbanks had better stay, but, uh...
I have no secrets from my wife, Mr. Solo.
It's all right, darling.
I'll wait for you outside.
Great girl. Always understands.
Are you married, Mr. Solo?
SOLO:
Uh, no, I'm not.
Nothing like it, believe me.
I do, uh, senator.
- Don't forget Charlie, huh?
- Charlie. Say, that's a good idea.
- Read about him.
- Senator, senator, uh...
Uh, Mr. Solo, I have about three minutes.
Now, what's on your mind?
All right, uh, believe me,
what I am going to say now...
...will not make a great deal of sense...
...but, uh, the woman
that you were just kissing...?
She's not your wife.
What?
I-- I don't believe I read you, sir.
I-- I know she looks like your wife, senator,
and she acts like your wife...
...and she sounds like your wife,
but she's not your wife.
And no one wishes she were
more than I do. It's just that, uh...
I know she's a very reasonable facsimile.
Very, but...
...she is not genuine box top.
Do you know what he's talking about?
Am I crazy or is he crazy?
FAIRBANKS: I don't know.
He is one of Waverly's men, but...
Now, my wife is not my wife?
Uh, no, she isn't.
The real Mrs. Bryant has been kidnapped.
Mr. Solo, are you trying to tell me
that I don't know my own wife?
- Well, let's find out.
- Uh, senator, believe me.
Uh, someone has gone to a great deal
of trouble to make us think otherwise.
The real Mrs. Bryant has been kidnapped.
Now, uh, it you reveal
that we're on to them now...
...I don't know what might happen to her,
the real Mrs. Bryant.
All right, Arnold.
call the FBI, call the CIA.
No, you mustn't, for the same reason.
He's right, senator.
Let's just...
Let's just wait a minute now.
I'm as taken aback by this thing
as you are.
I don't know that I believe it,
but whatever we do...
...we've got to move carefully.
There are 5000 people waiting out there
to nominate you...
...as their candidate for president
the end of the week.
Any kind of scandal
could tip this whole thing.
Arnold, we're not talking politics now.
We're talking about my wife,
do you understand?
My wife and her safety.
If what this man says is true,
even partially true--
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Your car's ready, darling.
BRYANT:
It's impossible.
You mean that she isn't my wife?
I'm afraid she isn't, senator.
- What do you want me to do?
SOLO: Go to Washington.
Just as if nothing has happened.
When you come back,
we will have found Mrs. Bryant.
All right.
But if you're wrong about any of this,
if anything happens to my wife...
...I'll not only have your job or any job
you ever hope to have, Mr. Solo...
...but I'll take on U.N.C.L.E.
- And when I'm finished--
- Yes.
I understand, senator.
Good.
[CROWD CHEERING]
You take good care of her, Mr. Solo.
Stay close.
Every minute.
And, darling, you're not to take
that kidnap threat seriously.
I'm sure it's just one of those cranks.
Well, you never know about cranks.
You'll call me tonight?
As soon as I can.
Whatever the hour, I'll be awake.
Let's go.
[SIREN WAILING]
Where are we going?
Just for a ride.
Don't you like the view?
Mr. Solo, watching over me is one thing.
Treating me like I'm a prisoner
is quite another.
Why don't you stop pretending?
What don't I what?
Why don't you stop
your very clever impersonation...
...of Mrs. Bryant?
My what?
Mr. Solo.
We'll solve the puzzle in a minute or two.
Take this, will you?
Take what?
It's concentrated truth serum
in tablet form.
Now, I would rather that you would tell us
everything of your own volition, but...
01 my--?
Driver, stop this car and let me out.
I'm sorry, madam.
that's quite impossible in this traffic.
[DOOR HANDLE RATTLES]
Mr. Solo, have you taken leave
of your senses?
Stop this car and let me out.
No, not until you tell me
who's behind you...
...what they've done
with the senator's wife, and where she is.
You've gone mad. You're absolutely mad.
I would rather you would cooperate
of your own will, but if you won't.
You'd better take the pill, madam...
...or Napoleon will be forced
to hold your nose and make you take it.
He wouldn't dare.
Is that right?
[WOMAN YELPING]
[GASPS]
Eight, seven, six, five, four.
three, two, one.
Blast off.
What's your name?
Miranda Bryant.
No, no, that's not right.
Before I was married, it was Miranda Field.
In school, they called me Butch,
my mother called me Blinkums...
...and my husband calls me
sweetie pie.
Hmm, that's odd.
It's never worked like that before.
Maybe her blood
has a high resistance factor.
Give her another pill.
Oh. Here.
Thank you.
There was a girl in Honduras.
I had to give her three pills
before she'd tell her right age.
Is that right?
Seven, six, five, four.
three, two, one, blast off.
Once more, what's your name?
Miranda Bryant.
Before I was married,
it was Miranda Field.
When I was in school,
they called me Butch.
- My mother called me--
- All right, that's enough.
- Butch I know about.
- You better try another tack.
Where did you first meet the senator,
madam?
I met him in Arnold Fairbanks' office.
I was working as a volunteer
on his last campaign.
Do you love your husband?
Madly.
[YAWNING]
Why are you yawning then?
Does the idea of your husband have you?
Oh, no, no, no.
My husband's the most marvel--
Excuse me.
[YAWNING]
He's the most marvelous man
in the world.
I beg your pardon, but all of a sudden,
I'm very sleepy.
- Wonderful.
- Sleepy? Now?
She can't be. She's not supposed to be.
- No, no.
- Wake her up.
Wake up. Wake up. Don't do that.
- You know something? You're very nice.
- Stay awake.
- Come on now.
- You're very nice.
I think I could rather like you.
- Don't. Stop that now. Sit up.
- This is soft.
- Keep your eyes open.
- Napoleon, really.
Don't you ever tum it off?
Well, it's not my fault.
When you've got it, you've got it.
I've got it.
Miranda?
Ethel?
Jean?
Pat?
Eunice?
Miss Doe?
Strange.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes?
It is I.
How's the sleeping beauty?
Well, still sleeping.
It's been three hours now.
You Prince Charmings are all alike.
I've always told you that one day,
your devastating charm would backfire.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
What did you dig up at Frangois?
Nothing so far.
I blew all the circuits
and flushed the old deals in hair curlers...
...into the street,
but I couldn't find anything.
Are you sure
that's where the switch took place?
If it did happen,
it couldn't have been anywhere else.
What do you mean, “If it did happen“?
You having doubts?
You heard her this afternoon.
She never fumbled an answer once.
Well, she could have been programmed
into believing she's Miranda Bryant.
That might be.
Tell you what, I'll have another go
at Madame X here.
You take another crack
at the beauty salon, all right?
All right, but it will have to be
after the shop closes.
Hey, that's breaking and entering.
SOLO [OVER RADIO]:
That's what you do best.
- What did you say?
- I said, “That's what you do best.“
[AIR DUCT OPENS THEN CLOSES]
SOLO: Come on, up. Get up. Get up.
IRINA: Mm. Unh.
SOLO: Come on, walk.
IRINA: Unh, unh.
Walk, come on. Walk, walk, walk.
Walk, walk, walk.
- Good. Get on your feet. Come on, walk.
IRINA: Unh.
Now, all right now, hold on.
I want you to drink some coffee.
Hold on. Hold on now.
Oh!
[SOLO GROANING]
All right, now drink some of this.
- Here. Come on, drink, drink, drink.
- No, I don't want any coffee.
- Drink, drink, drink up. Drink some of this.
- I don't like coffee.
Drink it.
- That's good, all right.
- Ugh.
Now, walk around.
You slept too long as it is.
Come on now, walk.
- Don't make me drag you. Walk around.
IRINA: I don't wanna. Stop. Ha-ha-ha.
- There's nothing funny. Come on, now.
IRINA: Ha-ha-ha!
Up. Drink some more coffee.
IRINA: I don't want any more coffee.
- Get up, get up, get up.
Here, drink some more. Good, good.
Good coffee. Warm, good. Mm, yeah.
- Like that? Now we take another walk.
- I don't like it.
- I don't like this. I want to sleep.
- You slept too long. Walk again.
SOLO: You walk. Good? All right.
IRINA: Okay, I walk.
SOLO: Oh! Unh. Come on.
IRINA: Ha-ha-ha!
Up!
[BOTH PANTING]
Ooh! Those lights are so bright.
Would you shut the light 0”, please?
- Light?
- Yes.
Unh. All right.
[IRINA GIGGLING]
Come on, now.
Get up. Come on, up, up.
- I don't want to. No.
- Go in the bathroom, wash your face.
Come on, walk. You've gotta walk.
- Come on, walk. Walk, walk.
- I have to walk. I lost my shoe.
- Walk.
- I lost--
[SIGHS THEN GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[MAN PUNCHING SOLO'S HAND]
[MAN SCREAMS]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Thank you.
Where did you learn judo?
What?
That was the greatest demonstration.
Who taught you?
- Taught me what?
- Judo.
Well, I...
I saw you...
[BOTH PANTING]
- Well, he was after you, and I just--
- Don't apologize. You did the right thing.
- He was gonna kill you.
- Ha, ha. He was indeed.
Why?
I'm not sure I know the answer anymore.
My dear, I don't know who you are
or what you are...
...but, uh, anyone who saves my life
the way you did...
Whatever happens, I want you to know
that I'm on your side.
But I thought you always were.
She'll be regaining consciousness
any moment, I think.
- The anesthetic is wearing off nicely.
- Good.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Someone's upstairs.
It's that man who was here this afternoon
when the power blew out.
Is it, now?
How very interesting.
Etienne. But be gentle.
We may have some use for him.
[GRUNTS]
U.N.C.L.E.'s adventures in Wonderland.
[CAXTON GIGGLES]
Except in this version, young man,
you are the White Rabbit.
CAXTON: Or should I say,
“You're our new guinea pig“?
"0 flab/nus day! Cal/aah! Cal/av!"
[CAXTON CHUCKLES]
Just when things were getting dull too.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Delaware's okay...
...but I'm having a little trouble
with the Oregon delegation.
- What's the matter with them?
- That's the problem. I can't find them.
They're all out having dinner
in Chinatown.
Have some of the boys round them up.
Enough people hanging around here
with nothing to do.
Mr. Fairbanks...
...do your know how many restaurants
there are in Chinatown?
Have one of the boys count them
as they go.
The information will come in handy
during a primary some day.
You're very silent.
Hmm?
You look like the little girl who's just about
to have her knuckles rapped...
...by the headmistress of...
What was that academy you went to?
- Marbury.
- Mm-hm.
Mr. Solo,
must you always ask questions?
Well, it's a professional liability.
You'll get used to it.
That's what I'm afraid of.
What's the matter?
You, and everything that's happened.
I don't know why.
Saving a gentleman's life
is generally considered a meritorious action.
If word leaks out, you may become
Brownie to an Eagle Scout overnight.
But word mustn't leak out
about anything that's happened today.
I love my husband, I do.
Very, very much.
That's why I can't understand why
when I'm with you, it makes...
[IRINA SCOFFS]
I'm really very confused.
Not half as confused as I am.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Mrs. Bryant, what a pleasant surprise.
Get Mrs. Bryant a cup of coffee
and a place to sit down.
- I've gotta see Fairbanks.
- He's inside.
- Thank you.
- Be my pleasure, Mrs. Bryant.
Right over here.
Plenty more room on the bandwagon.
Right.
What are you doing back here?
Something happened?
Something's happened. Among other things,
I got a call from the senator.
Bryant?
- Yes, Bryant.
He's been trying to reach you
all over town.
He wants you to meet him
at the airport tonight.
- Tonight? Ha, ha. You mean tomorrow.
- No, he's flying back tonight.
No, he can't.
He can't come back tonight.
He can't do this to me.
If he were to come back here now...
Gloria, get me Senator Bryant.
I know he's in Washington.
You've a fascinating head, Mr. Kuryakin.
Truly fascinating.
But so much more fascinating
when I've finished with it.
You wait.
You don't have to convince me
of your work.
That second Mrs. Bryant
is a remarkable job.
She manages to play the senator's wife
even when she's loaded...
...with our most effective truth pills.
Ah, that's the beauty of my method.
She's not playing a pan.
She really believes she is Miranda Bryant.
Oh, won't two Miranda Bryants
be crowding the senator a bit?
Oh, no. No, not at all.
A simple injection of this,
uh, triexel phermate...
...and the young girl reverts
to her own personality.
It's all very simple, really.
Very clever too.
Programming the future president
of the United States...
...might be a little awkward.
But who'd ever suspect
that it's all done with, uh...
...pillow talk.
[CAXTON CHUCKLES]
You're a very perceptive young man.
He knows if he so much
as shows his face around here...
...before we have the delegates
in our pockets, we could lose everything.
Oh, no.
No, I've worked too hard and too long
to get that boy into this position.
What?
Yes, I see.
[TELEPHONE SLAMS]
Well, he's left, all right.
Almost in the White House...
...and now he's, um...
He's imperiling everything
we've worked for...
...slaved for, lived for for 10 years,
and all because of her.
Well, you can't blame a man
for worrying about his wife.
That marriage.
Here was a man who could have married
any woman in the country.
And he picks some little ninny
that he meets by chance at my house.
In my own house.
Sorting campaign literature.
Running the coffee machine
for the volunteers.
Where's the girl?
What have you done with her?
You were told not to take your eyes off her
for an instant.
I haven't. She's outside
with your number-one boy.
He'll take care of her.
That's why I'm here.
I have run into some, uh, let's say.
contradictions about Mrs. Bryant.
Contradictions?
- Mm-hm.
What do you mean, “contradictions“?
You're not trying to tell me
that after all this...
...you boys are starting
to reverse yourselves, are you?
Uh, don't anticipate things, Fairbanks.
It's not that simple.
If you've put us through all this
for nothing...
...called back the senator,
maybe cost us the election...
...and all the time,
this is the real Miranda Bryant.
I didn't say that.
There are just some things...
...that I don't understand.
They don't add up, not clear.
I wanna put her to a test.
You gave me an idea.
- Give me the keys to your house.
- My house?
Yes, you said she met the senator
working there on some campaign?
If she's the real Mrs. Bryant, she'll know
her way around the place, right?
I suppose so.
If she's not the real Mrs. Bryant,
she won't.
Because though they may have
programmed her...
...in regard to dates and places,
she won't know, for instance...
...where the, uh, secretary keeps
the instant coffee.
[FAIRBANKS SIGHS]
I think you're wasting
a lot of precious time, Solo.
But if you insist...
do.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yes?
I told you I must have 48 hours.
But you can't move her now,
that's impossible.
I don't know what she'll do or say.
But I won't--
Yes. Yes, I understand.
All right, all right.
Signe, Etienne.
remove him from the table.
We've got to get the woman ready
in an hour.
What on earth are we doing here?
Arnold's at the convention.
So you know the place?
Yes, I worked here as a volunteer.
That's how I met Steve.
Yes, Fairbanks told me.
Well, since you know the place,
you lead the way, all right?
Fairbanks gave me the key.
Bring back sentimental memories?
Napoleon, please don't be unkind to me.
Atavistic old place.
I suppose it's a throwback to the days
of ward heelers and brass spittoons.
Why'd you bring me here?
[SOLO SCOFFS]
Excellent question.
Why, indeed?
An impulse? An inspiration?
A suspicion?
Prescience?
Or just, perhaps, to be alone with you?
We haven't got much longer to be alone,
have we?
No.
Why am I here?
Because something is happening.
You're as aware of it as I am.
Hmm?
And something else is happening too.
Kidnap threats, strange disappearances,
even stranger appearances.
After today.
you should be aware of the fact...
...that you're involved
in some diabolical plot.
Either someone is trying,
among other things, to ruin your marriage.
_Or__
- Who would do a thing like that?
Many people.
Political enemies, for instance.
Political friends.
Arnold Fairbanks, for instance.
Arnold?
Arnold's our best friend.
He's your husband's best friend.
There's a difference.
And he's let it be known
he wasn't exactly thrilled...
...about your marriage, you know.
I don't believe that.
Fairbanks is ambitious
for your husband...
...like Caesar and Caesar's wife.
The question is, this time,
who is above suspicion?
Where does Fairbanks
keep his confidential files?
Well, how should I know?
You labored here in the senator's vineyards
and won all hearts.
We're all volunteer workers.
We didn't have access
to anything confidential.
You still must have some idea
where things were located.
Even Bluebeard told his wives
where not to go.
Mr. Solo, yours is a strange world.
Living with all this deceit and violence
has done something to you.
You're right.
It's taught me to trust no one.
[DRAWER CLOSES]
Not even myself.
Especially with you.
What do you know about this place?
Try to remember something.
I remember nothing.
I mean, whatever I knew about this place,
I have long since forgotten.
Don't give up so easily. Try, think hard.
No, please, just take me out of here.
I don't like any of this.
I don't like that drug you gave me.
Nothing's clear anymore.
I don't know what it's made me say
or do or feel.
Nothing about the office?
Nothing about the files?
No, nothing.
I'm sorry.
I had to do it. I had to make sure.
For both of us.
You're not her.
- Who are you?
-[WHISPERS] Napoleon.
[ALL GRUNTING]
Are you all right?
Hair dye?
Does Arnold dye his hair too?
They got away.
I was afraid something like this
might happen.
Mm-hm.
Uh, here's something of yours, Fairbanks.
All right, drop the gun.
How convenient of you and Mrs. Bryant...
...to patronize the same beauty salon.
Sometimes the long arm of serendipity
outsmarts us all.
Too bad, it was a great try.
I wouldn't, Mr. Solo.
If there's one thing I've learned in politics,
it's never count your ballots...
...before the returns are in.
[SOLO SIGHS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[PHONE DIALING]
Well, where is she?
[OVER PHONE]
What are you doing to me?
CAXTON:
We're doing all we can.
She's not completely out of it yet.
I don't care what kind of shape she's in.
Just get her over here right now.
[TELEPHONE SLAMS OVER PHONE]
What's the matter, doctor?
You look worried.
That's how it is.
The ignorant Philistine always gets
in the way of the true artist.
Arnold?
Where is she? Why isn't she here?
Steve, she's on her way here
right now, relax.
Arnold, if you don't bring her here,
so help me, I'll kill you.
Now take it easy.
I've never let you down before
not gonna let you down now.
Believe me, she's as anxious to see you
as you are to see her.
Tell me, how is he? The president?
Worried, and so am I.
You said she'd be here, Arnold.
and she isn't here.
She'll be here before you know it.
Now the only thing you've got to worry
about is your acceptance speech, right?
Well, I got two days
to worry about that.
As a matter of fact, Steve.
you've kind of forced my hand on that.
- Hmm?
- It's tonight or never.
Now, you gotta get your thinking cap on.
You know what this thing is crying for?
The old Bryant touch.
Now that's something nobody's get
but you, right, Steve?
SIGNE: Now stop that,
and don't give me any more trouble.
IRINA: Let me go.
SIGNE: Stop it.
Let me go. Aah!
[SIGNE SLAPS WOMAN]
Come along, Mrs. Bryant, sit up.
- Wake up.
- Doctor, I can't handle this woman.
Couldn't I get rid of her?
Get rid of them all?
Later. I'll stay behind...
...and see that they're disposed of
along with the building.
But I need them alive for that.
Hurry up with that dress
and get her over to Fairbanks.
Doctor, merely as a point
of information, uh...
...how do you intend to dispose of us
when the happy hour approaches?
It was your friend's idea.
- Mine?
CAXTON: Yes.
This morning, when you invaded us
disguised as an electrician...
...you stated that the entire place
was riddled with detective wiring.
We might all be electrocuted.
Well, you will be.
You could've come in as a plumber.
Who is that woman?
Why'd you give her my dress?
Shut her up and bring them upstairs.
- Do you have to kill her too?
CAXTON: Unfortunately, yes.
You see, Etienne, Miss Signe, myself
must all seem to perish in the cataclysm...
...about to engulf our little edifice.
And for that, I need three bodies:
two males, one female.
And the young woman
already hereto oblige us.
Believe me, it's purely
a matter of necessity...
...not of any lust for blood.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yes?
Yes, Arnold, everything's in order.
Mrs. Bryant is leaving right now.
Splendid. I'll see you next week.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Bring them along.
Ladies first.
[ALL GRUNTING]
She's a judo expert.
At least a black belt--
"with clusters.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Come on, all you've gotta do is go out there
and it's in the bag.
I told you, Arnold, I'm not going out there
without seeing my wife.
MAN:
There she is.
Are you satisfied now?
Take him up.
[MOUTHS]
Thank you.
Miranda, listen to me carefully.
Do you hear those cheers?
They're for the future president
of the United States, your husband.
I want you to go out there
and give him a big kiss.
Remember,
this is his moment of triumph.
Wave, smile to the crowd.
Do you understand?
- Don't worry, Arnold, I know what to do.
- That's the girl.
Don't enjoy it too much, Fairbanks.
Do you see those men?
They want to kill your husband.
- Shoot them.
- Hmm?
Shoot them!
[GUNSHOT]
They're waiting for you, Mrs. Bryant.
[MOUTHS]
Thank you.
Miranda was...
Was programmed to...
To obey all my commands.
“Was," Arnold.
We deprogrammed her.
Triexel phermate.
Miranda, is it really you?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
It is you.
IRINA:
So you cats finally made it.
Ah. Huh.
Like, I'm grateful.
I mean, all those years teaching judo
to these chicks in the Big Sur.
I finally made the big scene.
I owe it all to you.
- Uh, us?
IRINA: Yeah.
I thought we were in your debt?
Oh, no, man, you don't understand.
It's because of you
that I got the bread for this.
Your report of the young lady's help
the other night so intrigued me...
...I felt we owed her a reciprocal favor.
[IRINA CHUCKLES]
This cool cat son of bought
a couple of lifetime memberships...
...and with the bread,
I built me this castle.
Well, it's a most impressive, uh, bakery.
Lifetime memberships for you, sir?
Oh, goodness no. No, no.
For you two, naturally.
Oh, well, thank you, uh...
Not at all, not at all.
My pleasure, gentlemen.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
[ENGLISH SDH]