The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Galatea Affair - full transcript
Solo and Kuryakin narrowly escape an attempt on their lives in Venice. Solo has caught pneumonia as a result of a swim in the Venice canals. As a result, he is replaced on the mission by Mark Slate. Slate is to prepare a stripped to take the place of a woman in the employ of Thrush.
Can't you put a little more muscle
behind it, gondolier?
I'm sorry, signore. I can't row any faster.
But I can sing “Sole Mio“ if you wish.
No, thanks. I'll pass.
MAN:
Nice to see you again, baroness.
Here is your list.
I imagine she'd like to know
who's behind those curtains too.
Wouldn't you like
to be the one to tell her?
MAN: Read and memorize
the names on the list.
When you have done so,
will you give the list to Mr. Thirty?
He will destroy it.
I know the routine.
MAN:
And of course, the diamonds.
Millions of dollars worth.
Which you will distribute as indicated.
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
[BOAT ENGINE STARTS]
[GUNSHOTS]
WAVERLY:
Yes, that's the same woman, all right.
[SNEEZES]
God bless you, Mr. Kuryakin.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry, but those gondolas
are not built for evasive action.
Ha, I suppose not.
How's Mr. Solo getting on?
I was at the hospital this morning.
The antibiotics are just beginning to work.
- Pneumonia?
- Yes, sir.
I'm afraid those canals are very cold
as well as being very dirty.
Hmm.
Well, happily.
our health and welfare plan...
...should ease some
of Mr. Solo's financial burdens.
Mr. Kuryakin, did you know
you'd been sunk by a full admiral?
We were?
Yes.
Section Two says he's Mr. Thirty.
Security chief, Thrush International.
And the man behind the curtain?
Oh. Someone far higher up
than Mr. Thirty, I'm afraid.
And almost certainly
a member of Thrush Central.
Their treasurer, perhaps.
That's very good.
MAN: Morning, sir.
- Come in, Mr. Slate.
Uh, you know Mr. Kuryakin.
I do indeed.
Shall I go ahead, sir?
Yes, yes, do please.
Mr. Slate took these films
three months ago in Paris.
There was a similar rendezvous
exactly three months before that...
...in the shadow of the Sphinx.
Watch the first level of the Eiffel Tower.
Mr. Slate placed
a concealed camera there.
We had reason to believe the souvenir stand
would be a particular point of interest.
There goes our friend again.
WAVERLY:
Her name, Mr. Kuryakin, is De Chasseur.
Baroness Bibi De Chasseur.
The darling of the--
What's that term they use nowadays?
The... Oh, yes, the jet set.
We don't think she's a Thrush agent.
A courier seems more likely.
WAVERLY:
Does the, uh, scene look familiar?
Looks like a jeweler's sack.
WAVERLY:
Diamonds, I would think.
ILLYA:
Then she's their payoff girl.
WAVERLY:
Rather crudely put, Mr. Kuryakin.
But accurate nevertheless.
The baroness operates
on the highest levels only.
Because of Mr. Solo's indisposition...
...Mr. Slate will be your associate
in this enterprise.
- A pleasure.
- Mine as well.
Your assignment, gentlemen,
is quite simple.
At the next quarterly rendezvous,
I want you to intercept that payoff list.
Without being discovered, of course.
We shall then be able to identify...
...and expose those corrupt world leaders
who secretly collaborate with Thrush.
I take it, sir, you have a plan.
Yes, I do indeed.
[LIVELY ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHATTERING, WHISTLING]
[GLASS SMASHING]
Next.
All I can make out is a lot of hair.
Quit it, buddy.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
How can anyone think that this creature
can be turned into the baroness?
Ooh, I don't know.
Look at the face. There are
certain similarities of conformation.
Bone structure and, uh.
all that sort of thing.
She rides well.
Keep your paws to yourself, Mac!
Hmm. Speaks English.
- EngHsh?
- Well, they call it Bronx.
Ah, it'll never work.
IIIya, we've been handed a lemon.
We?
You, Mark, you.
My work is with the, uh...
The other lady.
[THUD]
Next.
[BRONX ACCENT]
I think it's your tum, Mac.
MAN:
Get off.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Oh, you speak German too?
What are you, a wise guy?
Come on. Give me the two marks.
Excuse me, Rosy. It is Rosy, isn't it?
- How'd you know?
- Rosy Shlagenheimer.
Born in New York 23 years ago
of German parents.
Had a childhood ambition
to enter show business.
Father a butcher, mother a lady wrestler.
Say, what is this? Are you the fuzz?
MARK:
Rosy, you've cut me to the very quick.
No, really.
you've got nothing to worry about.
I just wanna talk to you
about a little business proposition.
Ha, ha, I bet.
Scout's honor.
What time do you get off the horse?
Is that all you wanna do? Talk?
MARK: I think you'll find me
a fascinating conversationalist.
Uh-huh. Well, okay.
I quit in half an hour.
- I'll meet you outside your dressing room.
- Yeah.
Hey. My mother.
- The wrestling lady.
- Yeah.
Just remember,
she taught me all she knew.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[CROWD LAUGHS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Good morning.
Wait here.
- Yes?
- Madame Ia baron?
IIIya Kuryakin,
your new tennis instructor...
...at your service.
BIBI:
Whatever happened to Maurice?
I'm afraid he's indisposed.
A little accident this morning.
In the bathtub.
Oh.
It's all right, Olaf.
I won't need you anymore.
The truth is, Mr. Kuryakin,
that I simply loathe tennis.
But it also happens that Maurice
was a simply marvelous dancer.
Are you a perfectly
marvelous dancer, Mr. Kuryakin?
My husband, the Baron De Chasseur.
This is--
Of course, of course.
Your new tennis instructor.
And I don't dance.
May I offer you a cigarette,
Mr. Kuryakin?
No, thank you.
Drink?
I never touch it.
No vices at all, Mr. Kuryakin?
Darling, for heaven's sake.
Then you're hired, young man.
You may start this afternoon it you like.
Now, uh, what were you saying,
my dear?
Nothing. I'll go and see
about lunch for Mr. Kuryakin.
Oh, uh, there's only one thing.
Bibi's last instructor
played a bit too close to the net.
I'm sure you would never
make such a mistake.
I,uh...
I'll make a note of it.
Ow! Oh, you clumsy--
No, no, no, Rosy. Please don't ever
make a noise like that again.
Yeah, but the creep was pulling my hair!
Not a creep, Rosy.
It's not a word that ladies use.
I don't wanna be no lady.
I wanna be back in the bar riding my horse.
I wanna be back in show biz.
But you are in show business.
[SCOFFS]
Think of it like this.
You're learning a part in a new play.
You're gonna be a baroness. A lady.
And ladies don't
go around saying, "Ow!“
[ROSY SIGHS]
Now...
...I want you to listen to a real baroness.
Repeat everything she says.
BIBI:
Ow!
[TENNIS BALLS BOUNCING]
Ow! Ow!
That's not fair.
[SIGHS]
You are a beast. You promised
you wouldn't play to my backhand.
Well, I'm not allowed
to get too close to the net...
...so I, uh, have to do something.
Well, I've had enough exercise
for today anyway.
Shall we adjourn for a drink?
Yes. Uh, do you have
any fresh guava juice?
I think we can find some.
Have some more.
Say when.
BIBI:
When.
If you'll excuse me,
I'll slip into something cooler.
[GROANS]
BARON:
You feel.
You meddling fool.
But, baron, the tennis racket.
A hidden microphone.
Of course.
And he has a camera in the other one.
Now, get on your feet.
You're only slightly tranquilized.
Unless, of course,
you want me to fire button four or five.
No, no, baron. I'm sorry.
I was only thinking of you.
If Thrush Central should ever find out...
Find out what, Olaf?
That Mr. Kuryakin
is an U.N.C.L.E. agent?
[BARON CHUCKLES]
I've known that for quite some time now.
And I'm taking
the appropriate countermeasures.
Uh, I don't understand.
Perhaps this will give you a clue.
ROSY [OVER RADIO]: The police in Greece
are difficult ta fleece.
MARK:
Try it again. A bit more posh.
Posh?
Yeah, you know, Iadylike.
Like a baroness would say it.
I ain't never heard no baroness say that.
The police in Greece
are difficult to fleece.
[SIGHS]
Uh, forgive me, baron.
but I still don't understand.
You see, once I learned that Mr. Kuryakin
was spying on the baroness...
...I wondered why.
I learned that all his information...
...was being communicated
to Mr. Slate in Paris.
So I proceeded to find this Mr. Slate...
...and his Galatea.
Oh.
They think they're very clever,
these U.N.C.L.E. people.
But two can play the game
as well as one.
If this Rosy creature
can play the baroness...
...well, then.
why can't the baroness play Rosy?
I'm sorry, Bibi, that you will have to wear
these dreadful ready-made clothes.
[BRONX ACCENT]
Well, that's the way it goes, Mac.
You gotta take the good with the bad,
you know what I mean?
Marvelous.
And now, this Rosy, uh...
What's her name?
Shlagenheimer.
Yes.
I daresay she couldn't do better.
Is there something the matter?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Well, I-- I thought it would be a Iark.
Son of a gay, amusing adventure.
But now that it's time to go through with it,
I'm frightened.
Oh, Freddy, do I have to?
We're both captives of Thrush.
And they would kill me if you didn't.
I'll do it as well as I can, Freddy.
I know you will.
And it will be for the last time,
I'm sure of it.
Now that U.N.C.L.E.
knows your identity...
...well, Thrush won't want
to use you anymore.
And we will be free of them for good.
I said, that's all the more reason
why it has to work, Mr. Slate.
We've invested too much time
to see the plan fail.
But, sir, it's hopeless.
I've been working with her day and night.
Oh, come, Mr. Slate.
There's always hope.
Besides, I think you may have
just put your finger on the main problem.
Working with her day and night, you say?
Perhaps the girl is exhausted.
Why don't you try giving her some rest?
Yes, sir.
That's more like it.
Now, I'm going to be in Paris myself
in a day or two.
That will give me a chance
to see how you and the girl are doing.
MARK:
But, Mr. Waverly, 1-
[VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING]
Miss.
[VACUUM CLEANER STOPS]
- Has she been asleep long?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, sir.
I tried to wake her up, but I couldn't.
- She must be awfully tired, poor thing.
- Hmm.
You better sweep around her, then.
[VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING]
[VACUUM CLEANER STOPS]
I gave her 2 cc's
and she's out like alight.
Hurry it up.
OLAF:
Here she is, sir.
Ah! Keep your paws to yourself, Mac.
Poor pathetic thing.
[SIGHS]
You better put her to bed, Olaf.
You heard madame, Olaf.
Escort the baroness up to her room now.
Good luck, my dear.
[SIGHS]
Thank you.
Oh, Rosy, hurry up.
Rosy, get on with it.
Don't worry, my boy.
they'll hold the reservation.
New hairdo, if you please.
Since 6 this morning.
You gave her the subliminal
corrective training, didn't you?
I tried everything. I didn't try hypnotism.
Look, sir, the truth is...
...now, as far as I'm concerned,
Rosy just hasn't got it in her.
Positive thinking, Mr. Slate.
Positive thinking.
Well...
Uh...
Rosy.
[BRONX ACCENT]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, sir, shall we get it over with?
- I think so.
- Oh. It's my girdle.
I ain't used to wearing a girdle.
Well, I understand.
You look lovely, miss, uh--
Shlagenheimer.
Ah, yes, of course. May I?
Oh. Well.
Indeed, Mr. Waverly.
I thank you, beaucoup.
Monsieur Waverly.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Chateau Madeleine, 1938.
Just as you've ordered, monsieur.
Very nice. Thank you.
[SLATE CLEARS THROAT]
I think you'll enjoy the bouquet, my dear.
Mmm.
[BIBI GULPING]
Mmm. Yeah, that's good stuff, you know?
Rosy.
What's the matter?
Why, nothing at all, my dear.
Everything's fine.
Ahem. The, uh, menus?
Yes.
Can I have anything I--?
Mr. Slate, are you a little, uh.
nervous or something?
See what I mean, sir?
It's absolutely hopeless.
Nonsense.
I'm sure when the girl
is a little more relaxed, she'll be--
MAN:
Hey, baroness!
Baroness! Baroness!
Baroness!
Bibi, baby.
Bibi, baby. Ha-ha-ha! Baby.
Looky who's here. It's me, Bibi.
- Excuse me, sir--
- Oh, that's all right, buddy, don't get up.
Ha-ha. Oh, Bibi, honey.
I didn't think
I was ever gonna see you again.
- Ha-ha. After that night--
- Look here--
Oh, I'm sorry to butt in,
but, uh, the baroness is an old pal.
Ha-ha. Pal.
Now, that's an understatement.
Why, if it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be here now.
You remember how when it was all over
you said to me, you said:
“Charlie," you said--
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Charlie. Of course, it's Charlie.
CHARLIE: Oh, you see.
I knew you'd remember. Ha-ha.
You see, I fell overboard
from my yacht, you know.
And little Bibi have
jumped right in and pulled me out.
Ha-ha. Now, what do you think of that?
That was a noble gesture.
Uh, noble? Noble baroness?
[LAUGHS]
Hey, that's pretty good. Ha, ha.
Remember that other guy?
Duke with a funny toupee?
The count.
The Count of Monte Cristo, Charles.
CHARLIE:
Oh, yeah, that's the one.
You remember in all the excitement
how his toupee tell in the ocean?
Oh, boy, he was fit to be tied.
BIBI:
Yes, he was a very amusing fellow.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, he sure was.
Say, why don't you and your friends
come over to my table and join me?
- We'll have drinks and a lot of laughs.
- Well--
Well, we'd love to.
Except that, uh, I'm here incognito.
And I'd appreciate it very much
if you didn't tell anyone you saw me.
Oh, I get it, Bibi.
- A rendezvous, huh?
BIBI: Mmm.
[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]
CHARLIE:
Well, mum's the word, Bibi.
Ha, ha. You're a pal, Charlie.
Um, I'll call you.
You're staying at the, uh...?
Oh, at the Louis Quatorze.
Oh, but of course.
Yeah, well, I'll see you, baby.
[CHUCKLES]
Ciao, Charlie.
Phew.
What a remarkable performance.
Worthy of a true baroness.
- Mr. Slate.
- Yes, sir?
You did it.
Nice of Mr. Waverly to give us the night off,
wasn't it, Rosy?
Isn't it about time
you stopped calling me Rosy?
I mean, I passed the test.
It should be Bibi now.
MARK:
Hmm.
Bibi.
Ooh, careful of my earring.
BIBI [OVER RADIO]:
You know, 1--
I even feel like Bibi all of a sudden.
It's like. um. learning tn ice-skate...
...or riding a bicycle.
One day you can't,
and then the next moment, everything--
I don't believe you.
I think you've been storing it all up.
Shh!
That was nice.
Shall we try it again?
[WATER SPLASHES,
TRANSMISSION ENDS]
What happened?
The same thing that always happens.
Poor Bibi.
It's too bad.
I was planning to liquidate Mr. Kuryakin.
Now we shall have to kill her too.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh, Mr. Kuryakin.
- Good morning, sunshine.
The baroness is unable to play tennis.
- Oh?
- Not for several more days.
Well, how is she?
Still very tired.
The virus, it doesn't go away.
It's been here quite a while.
Yes.
Is she, uh, in her room?
- Yes, she's resting.
- Listen, I won't be a minute.
All I want to do is to go up
and say hello and give her these.
She's not to be disturbed.
The baron's orders.
Well, will you give her my regards?
And the flowers.
When she is able to receive them.
[SNORING]
Baroness?
Bibi?
Olaf.
He, uh, found the telegram?
Naturally.
I knew he couldn't resist
the temptation to search the room.
[BRONX ACCENT]
Ah, for Pete's sake--
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I mean, oh, dear me.
I do believe the book has fallen.
[CHUCKLES]
It was very good that time.
Forty-two seconds.
Oh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Excuse me. I think this is someone
you're gonna want to meet.
Hello.
It's not polite to stare.
Miss Shlagenheimer,
this is IIIya Kuryakin.
He's been working with the baroness
at the chateau.
How do you do?
We've met.
We have?
At the Lady Godiva Bar in Hamburg.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, yes. 01 course.
How are things at the chateau?
ILLYA: We make the switch
tomorrow night at 8:30.
Tomorrow night? So soon?
That's when the quarterly rendezvous
will take place.
I found a telegram in a drawer.
You did?
There's really very little
to be concerned about, miss, uh...
Shlagenheimer.
Yes.
Now, the baroness
is still in bed with a virus.
She won't get up until it's time
to get ready for the rendezvous...
...which is at 9:15.
She's due to be picked up at 9...
...which means the rendezvous itself
will be quite close to the chateau.
After you have been to the rendezvous,
you'll return to the chateau.
Pretend you feel tired, go back to bed.
And what if I actually fall asleep?
Oh, don't worry. I'll wake you up again
when I bring back the real baroness.
Oh, uh, one thing.
If you do fall asleep, remember...
...the baroness snares.
Mark, she's wearing outfit 14,
the gold dress.
We'd better not drive
any further than this.
The back entrance to the chateau
is just down there.
Go through the rose garden
and past the pool.
Yeah, I know. I-- I studied the map.
Want some help with that?
- Yes.
- Here.
Everything else straight?
Mmm.
Everything else is fine.
[SIGHS]
Do you know, Mark...
...ever since I was a little girl...
...I've dreamed about somebody
with eyes like yours?
Who would come and rescue me from
whatever there was to be rescued from.
Like a horse in Hamburg. I know.
[THUD]
[MOANING]
[VEHICLES APPROACHING]
Aah! No! Aah!
Shh.
Two marks for once around the ring.
[SIGHS]
[MUTTERING IN GERMAN]
Keep you hands on the horse--
Rosy?
Look, I don't think
I can go through with it.
Yes, you can.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Mark?
[RADIO BEEPING]
[RADIO CLICKS]
Slate.
I have the girl.
[GRUNTING]
“Na?
[GRUNTING]
“Na?
[GRUNTING]
IIIya.
What is it?
[SIGHS]
Mark, maybe we should wait
a little longer.
No, it's time.
Look, everything's going to be all right.
IIIya's got the baroness.
That's the important thing.
Yes, but what if something
should happen?
Mark, I'm scared.
Of course you're scared.
Don't worry. It's all gonna be fine.
I have complete confidence in you.
Go ahead.
[SIGHS]
All right.
Remember, IIIya won't be far away.
And if you should come across Olaf--
Oh, don't worry about Olaf.
He's been eating out of my hand since--
I mean...
[SIGHS]
You know what I mean.
Hello, Freddy.
Olaf told me you had arrived.
Mr. Slate's timing was perfect.
What about IIIya--?
Mr. Kuryakin and the girl?
Are you worried about them?
I just don't want them to be killed,
that's all.
I'm afraid it can't be helped.
You know Thrush.
Uh, would you fix me a brandy, please?
My poor child.
You do care for Mr. Kuryakin, don't you?
And for Mr. Slate as well.
What I did, it was only for you.
I understand.
But now to more immediate problems.
In a little while,
you will be given a false list of names.
I just don't understand why I have to go
through this ridiculous ceremony.
I mean, under the circumstances--
Because it is just possible, my dear...
...that U.N.C.L.E. will be present
at the rendezvous.
And if they are present...
...well, then we must put on a show
for them, mustn't we?
Lest they become suspicious.
Yes, I see.
I knew you would.
To your health, my dear.
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE STARTS]
You're 10 seconds late.
I'm sorry.
How far is it to the wine cave?
Less than two kilometers, sir.
Good. Then we shall make it on time.
Let's go, driver.
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
Rosy.
Rosy, I can't get my arms down.
Rosy, wake up.
Rosy, wake up!
Miss Shlagenheimer!
That's it, Rosy. Now, reach out.
- Reach inside, come on.
- Oh, uh.
Side pocket. Cigarette lighter.
- Cigarette lighter, cigarette lighter.
- Mmm.
Good, good. Now light it.
Light it. Yeah, light it.
Oh! Hmm.
It's all right. Now point it at the lock.
The lock.
Aah! Try to avoid me. I bum easily.
Oh. Oh, dear.
That's good. Yeah, that's it.
I think you're getting it.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Hold it.
Put it 0”. Pull it in.
Go to sleep.
Ah.
[ILLYA GROANS]
All right, Mr. Kuryakin.
Now that everyone's gene,
we can have some fun, huh?
[LAUGHS]
Suppose we play a little tennis.
[OLAF LAUGHING]
ILLYA:
You'd better be careful, sunshine.
They can't be very far away.
They only had 15 minutes to get there.
How do you know about the wine caves?
You just told me.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[ILLYA SCREAMS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[OLAF GRUNTS]
Thank you.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Mr. Slate taught me that.
It means “my pleasure.“
Oh.
[ROSY SIGHS]
THIRTY:
This way, baroness.
MAN:
Good evening, baroness.
Good evening.
MAN:
Here is your list.
This time, you will not
have to memorize it.
MARK:
Drop them.
Over here.
Sony to intrude.
If anyone moves,
I'm gonna have to kill your peerless leader.
Here's the list.
Take it and run. You can make it.
I'm sure I can.
And I'm sure our friend here
won't let anyone try and stop me.
The list is a fake. Isn't it, baroness?
You know?
MARK: Unfortunately,
I didn't know soon enough.
- Oh, Mark--
- Never mind that now.
I'm more interested in him.
[GLASS SMASHING]
Freddy!
Poor Bibi. I'm sorry I had to deceive you.
But you were of such great use to me.
Until you became the victim
of your own heart.
That's enough, baron.
You'd better come with me.
Capturing Thrush Central's treasurer
would be a feather in your cap...
...wouldn't it, Mr. Slate?
Alas, I'm afraid it is not to be.
You're only mildly tranquilized, Mr. Slate.
Oh, I just as easily could have killed him.
But it's a matter of jurisdiction.
Now, murder,
that's Mr. Thirty's department.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Mr. Thirty, will you be kind enough
to dispose of Mr. Slate...
...and my wife as well?
I'm afraid I was never cutout
to be a good husband.
Mark!
- Good show.
- My mother was a wrestler.
BIBI:
Look out!
Thanks, Bibi.
[GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOTS]
Oh, allow me.
Uh, Mr. Waverly.
I think you know the Baroness De Chasseur.
Of course.
Hello.
The baroness has been with
the head of our intelligence department.
She's given them the list of names
of all past meetings.
I had to memorize all the names.
But fortunately,
I have an excellent memory.
The list is not exactly up-to-date.
But I think it will be
of considerable help to us.
Oh, it will indeed.
Yes, indeed. Do sit down.
You know, baroness,
when you came in just now...
...I couldn't be certain whether you were
indeed the baroness or that other...
Uh, what was her name, uh...?
BOTH:
Shlagenheimer.
Ah, yes, yes.
Well, by the way.
what happened to her?
Is she back in the entertainment field?
No, she retired.
As a matter of fact,
we're all invited to the wedding.
Wedding?
She's gonna be a baroness after all.
Oh, ho.
MARK: A cattle baroness.
She's going to live on a yacht.
Oh, not Charlie.
The Texan in the Paris restaurant, sir.
Remember?
Oh. Oh, well.
Well, uh, suppose we all go
and have a little lunch somewhere?
I'm terribly sorry,
but I've got a previous engagement.
Oh. Well, perhaps some other day.
Ah, Mr. Solo.
Why, you are looking
in the pink of condition now, Mr. Solo.
Oh, thank you, sir. The doctor says
I can return to work tomorrow morning.
Oh, excellent.
Uh, this is the Baroness De Chasseur,
Mr. Solo.
Yes, I've already had the pleasure.
- You have?
- Are you ready, Bibi?
I'll, uh, see you after lunch, gentlemen.
MARK: Napoleon doesn't waste
any time, does he?
Yes, just like he's never been away.
[ENGLISH SDH]
behind it, gondolier?
I'm sorry, signore. I can't row any faster.
But I can sing “Sole Mio“ if you wish.
No, thanks. I'll pass.
MAN:
Nice to see you again, baroness.
Here is your list.
I imagine she'd like to know
who's behind those curtains too.
Wouldn't you like
to be the one to tell her?
MAN: Read and memorize
the names on the list.
When you have done so,
will you give the list to Mr. Thirty?
He will destroy it.
I know the routine.
MAN:
And of course, the diamonds.
Millions of dollars worth.
Which you will distribute as indicated.
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
[BOAT ENGINE STARTS]
[GUNSHOTS]
WAVERLY:
Yes, that's the same woman, all right.
[SNEEZES]
God bless you, Mr. Kuryakin.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry, but those gondolas
are not built for evasive action.
Ha, I suppose not.
How's Mr. Solo getting on?
I was at the hospital this morning.
The antibiotics are just beginning to work.
- Pneumonia?
- Yes, sir.
I'm afraid those canals are very cold
as well as being very dirty.
Hmm.
Well, happily.
our health and welfare plan...
...should ease some
of Mr. Solo's financial burdens.
Mr. Kuryakin, did you know
you'd been sunk by a full admiral?
We were?
Yes.
Section Two says he's Mr. Thirty.
Security chief, Thrush International.
And the man behind the curtain?
Oh. Someone far higher up
than Mr. Thirty, I'm afraid.
And almost certainly
a member of Thrush Central.
Their treasurer, perhaps.
That's very good.
MAN: Morning, sir.
- Come in, Mr. Slate.
Uh, you know Mr. Kuryakin.
I do indeed.
Shall I go ahead, sir?
Yes, yes, do please.
Mr. Slate took these films
three months ago in Paris.
There was a similar rendezvous
exactly three months before that...
...in the shadow of the Sphinx.
Watch the first level of the Eiffel Tower.
Mr. Slate placed
a concealed camera there.
We had reason to believe the souvenir stand
would be a particular point of interest.
There goes our friend again.
WAVERLY:
Her name, Mr. Kuryakin, is De Chasseur.
Baroness Bibi De Chasseur.
The darling of the--
What's that term they use nowadays?
The... Oh, yes, the jet set.
We don't think she's a Thrush agent.
A courier seems more likely.
WAVERLY:
Does the, uh, scene look familiar?
Looks like a jeweler's sack.
WAVERLY:
Diamonds, I would think.
ILLYA:
Then she's their payoff girl.
WAVERLY:
Rather crudely put, Mr. Kuryakin.
But accurate nevertheless.
The baroness operates
on the highest levels only.
Because of Mr. Solo's indisposition...
...Mr. Slate will be your associate
in this enterprise.
- A pleasure.
- Mine as well.
Your assignment, gentlemen,
is quite simple.
At the next quarterly rendezvous,
I want you to intercept that payoff list.
Without being discovered, of course.
We shall then be able to identify...
...and expose those corrupt world leaders
who secretly collaborate with Thrush.
I take it, sir, you have a plan.
Yes, I do indeed.
[LIVELY ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHATTERING, WHISTLING]
[GLASS SMASHING]
Next.
All I can make out is a lot of hair.
Quit it, buddy.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
How can anyone think that this creature
can be turned into the baroness?
Ooh, I don't know.
Look at the face. There are
certain similarities of conformation.
Bone structure and, uh.
all that sort of thing.
She rides well.
Keep your paws to yourself, Mac!
Hmm. Speaks English.
- EngHsh?
- Well, they call it Bronx.
Ah, it'll never work.
IIIya, we've been handed a lemon.
We?
You, Mark, you.
My work is with the, uh...
The other lady.
[THUD]
Next.
[BRONX ACCENT]
I think it's your tum, Mac.
MAN:
Get off.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Oh, you speak German too?
What are you, a wise guy?
Come on. Give me the two marks.
Excuse me, Rosy. It is Rosy, isn't it?
- How'd you know?
- Rosy Shlagenheimer.
Born in New York 23 years ago
of German parents.
Had a childhood ambition
to enter show business.
Father a butcher, mother a lady wrestler.
Say, what is this? Are you the fuzz?
MARK:
Rosy, you've cut me to the very quick.
No, really.
you've got nothing to worry about.
I just wanna talk to you
about a little business proposition.
Ha, ha, I bet.
Scout's honor.
What time do you get off the horse?
Is that all you wanna do? Talk?
MARK: I think you'll find me
a fascinating conversationalist.
Uh-huh. Well, okay.
I quit in half an hour.
- I'll meet you outside your dressing room.
- Yeah.
Hey. My mother.
- The wrestling lady.
- Yeah.
Just remember,
she taught me all she knew.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[CROWD LAUGHS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Good morning.
Wait here.
- Yes?
- Madame Ia baron?
IIIya Kuryakin,
your new tennis instructor...
...at your service.
BIBI:
Whatever happened to Maurice?
I'm afraid he's indisposed.
A little accident this morning.
In the bathtub.
Oh.
It's all right, Olaf.
I won't need you anymore.
The truth is, Mr. Kuryakin,
that I simply loathe tennis.
But it also happens that Maurice
was a simply marvelous dancer.
Are you a perfectly
marvelous dancer, Mr. Kuryakin?
My husband, the Baron De Chasseur.
This is--
Of course, of course.
Your new tennis instructor.
And I don't dance.
May I offer you a cigarette,
Mr. Kuryakin?
No, thank you.
Drink?
I never touch it.
No vices at all, Mr. Kuryakin?
Darling, for heaven's sake.
Then you're hired, young man.
You may start this afternoon it you like.
Now, uh, what were you saying,
my dear?
Nothing. I'll go and see
about lunch for Mr. Kuryakin.
Oh, uh, there's only one thing.
Bibi's last instructor
played a bit too close to the net.
I'm sure you would never
make such a mistake.
I,uh...
I'll make a note of it.
Ow! Oh, you clumsy--
No, no, no, Rosy. Please don't ever
make a noise like that again.
Yeah, but the creep was pulling my hair!
Not a creep, Rosy.
It's not a word that ladies use.
I don't wanna be no lady.
I wanna be back in the bar riding my horse.
I wanna be back in show biz.
But you are in show business.
[SCOFFS]
Think of it like this.
You're learning a part in a new play.
You're gonna be a baroness. A lady.
And ladies don't
go around saying, "Ow!“
[ROSY SIGHS]
Now...
...I want you to listen to a real baroness.
Repeat everything she says.
BIBI:
Ow!
[TENNIS BALLS BOUNCING]
Ow! Ow!
That's not fair.
[SIGHS]
You are a beast. You promised
you wouldn't play to my backhand.
Well, I'm not allowed
to get too close to the net...
...so I, uh, have to do something.
Well, I've had enough exercise
for today anyway.
Shall we adjourn for a drink?
Yes. Uh, do you have
any fresh guava juice?
I think we can find some.
Have some more.
Say when.
BIBI:
When.
If you'll excuse me,
I'll slip into something cooler.
[GROANS]
BARON:
You feel.
You meddling fool.
But, baron, the tennis racket.
A hidden microphone.
Of course.
And he has a camera in the other one.
Now, get on your feet.
You're only slightly tranquilized.
Unless, of course,
you want me to fire button four or five.
No, no, baron. I'm sorry.
I was only thinking of you.
If Thrush Central should ever find out...
Find out what, Olaf?
That Mr. Kuryakin
is an U.N.C.L.E. agent?
[BARON CHUCKLES]
I've known that for quite some time now.
And I'm taking
the appropriate countermeasures.
Uh, I don't understand.
Perhaps this will give you a clue.
ROSY [OVER RADIO]: The police in Greece
are difficult ta fleece.
MARK:
Try it again. A bit more posh.
Posh?
Yeah, you know, Iadylike.
Like a baroness would say it.
I ain't never heard no baroness say that.
The police in Greece
are difficult to fleece.
[SIGHS]
Uh, forgive me, baron.
but I still don't understand.
You see, once I learned that Mr. Kuryakin
was spying on the baroness...
...I wondered why.
I learned that all his information...
...was being communicated
to Mr. Slate in Paris.
So I proceeded to find this Mr. Slate...
...and his Galatea.
Oh.
They think they're very clever,
these U.N.C.L.E. people.
But two can play the game
as well as one.
If this Rosy creature
can play the baroness...
...well, then.
why can't the baroness play Rosy?
I'm sorry, Bibi, that you will have to wear
these dreadful ready-made clothes.
[BRONX ACCENT]
Well, that's the way it goes, Mac.
You gotta take the good with the bad,
you know what I mean?
Marvelous.
And now, this Rosy, uh...
What's her name?
Shlagenheimer.
Yes.
I daresay she couldn't do better.
Is there something the matter?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Well, I-- I thought it would be a Iark.
Son of a gay, amusing adventure.
But now that it's time to go through with it,
I'm frightened.
Oh, Freddy, do I have to?
We're both captives of Thrush.
And they would kill me if you didn't.
I'll do it as well as I can, Freddy.
I know you will.
And it will be for the last time,
I'm sure of it.
Now that U.N.C.L.E.
knows your identity...
...well, Thrush won't want
to use you anymore.
And we will be free of them for good.
I said, that's all the more reason
why it has to work, Mr. Slate.
We've invested too much time
to see the plan fail.
But, sir, it's hopeless.
I've been working with her day and night.
Oh, come, Mr. Slate.
There's always hope.
Besides, I think you may have
just put your finger on the main problem.
Working with her day and night, you say?
Perhaps the girl is exhausted.
Why don't you try giving her some rest?
Yes, sir.
That's more like it.
Now, I'm going to be in Paris myself
in a day or two.
That will give me a chance
to see how you and the girl are doing.
MARK:
But, Mr. Waverly, 1-
[VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING]
Miss.
[VACUUM CLEANER STOPS]
- Has she been asleep long?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, sir.
I tried to wake her up, but I couldn't.
- She must be awfully tired, poor thing.
- Hmm.
You better sweep around her, then.
[VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING]
[VACUUM CLEANER STOPS]
I gave her 2 cc's
and she's out like alight.
Hurry it up.
OLAF:
Here she is, sir.
Ah! Keep your paws to yourself, Mac.
Poor pathetic thing.
[SIGHS]
You better put her to bed, Olaf.
You heard madame, Olaf.
Escort the baroness up to her room now.
Good luck, my dear.
[SIGHS]
Thank you.
Oh, Rosy, hurry up.
Rosy, get on with it.
Don't worry, my boy.
they'll hold the reservation.
New hairdo, if you please.
Since 6 this morning.
You gave her the subliminal
corrective training, didn't you?
I tried everything. I didn't try hypnotism.
Look, sir, the truth is...
...now, as far as I'm concerned,
Rosy just hasn't got it in her.
Positive thinking, Mr. Slate.
Positive thinking.
Well...
Uh...
Rosy.
[BRONX ACCENT]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, sir, shall we get it over with?
- I think so.
- Oh. It's my girdle.
I ain't used to wearing a girdle.
Well, I understand.
You look lovely, miss, uh--
Shlagenheimer.
Ah, yes, of course. May I?
Oh. Well.
Indeed, Mr. Waverly.
I thank you, beaucoup.
Monsieur Waverly.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Chateau Madeleine, 1938.
Just as you've ordered, monsieur.
Very nice. Thank you.
[SLATE CLEARS THROAT]
I think you'll enjoy the bouquet, my dear.
Mmm.
[BIBI GULPING]
Mmm. Yeah, that's good stuff, you know?
Rosy.
What's the matter?
Why, nothing at all, my dear.
Everything's fine.
Ahem. The, uh, menus?
Yes.
Can I have anything I--?
Mr. Slate, are you a little, uh.
nervous or something?
See what I mean, sir?
It's absolutely hopeless.
Nonsense.
I'm sure when the girl
is a little more relaxed, she'll be--
MAN:
Hey, baroness!
Baroness! Baroness!
Baroness!
Bibi, baby.
Bibi, baby. Ha-ha-ha! Baby.
Looky who's here. It's me, Bibi.
- Excuse me, sir--
- Oh, that's all right, buddy, don't get up.
Ha-ha. Oh, Bibi, honey.
I didn't think
I was ever gonna see you again.
- Ha-ha. After that night--
- Look here--
Oh, I'm sorry to butt in,
but, uh, the baroness is an old pal.
Ha-ha. Pal.
Now, that's an understatement.
Why, if it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be here now.
You remember how when it was all over
you said to me, you said:
“Charlie," you said--
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Charlie. Of course, it's Charlie.
CHARLIE: Oh, you see.
I knew you'd remember. Ha-ha.
You see, I fell overboard
from my yacht, you know.
And little Bibi have
jumped right in and pulled me out.
Ha-ha. Now, what do you think of that?
That was a noble gesture.
Uh, noble? Noble baroness?
[LAUGHS]
Hey, that's pretty good. Ha, ha.
Remember that other guy?
Duke with a funny toupee?
The count.
The Count of Monte Cristo, Charles.
CHARLIE:
Oh, yeah, that's the one.
You remember in all the excitement
how his toupee tell in the ocean?
Oh, boy, he was fit to be tied.
BIBI:
Yes, he was a very amusing fellow.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, he sure was.
Say, why don't you and your friends
come over to my table and join me?
- We'll have drinks and a lot of laughs.
- Well--
Well, we'd love to.
Except that, uh, I'm here incognito.
And I'd appreciate it very much
if you didn't tell anyone you saw me.
Oh, I get it, Bibi.
- A rendezvous, huh?
BIBI: Mmm.
[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]
CHARLIE:
Well, mum's the word, Bibi.
Ha, ha. You're a pal, Charlie.
Um, I'll call you.
You're staying at the, uh...?
Oh, at the Louis Quatorze.
Oh, but of course.
Yeah, well, I'll see you, baby.
[CHUCKLES]
Ciao, Charlie.
Phew.
What a remarkable performance.
Worthy of a true baroness.
- Mr. Slate.
- Yes, sir?
You did it.
Nice of Mr. Waverly to give us the night off,
wasn't it, Rosy?
Isn't it about time
you stopped calling me Rosy?
I mean, I passed the test.
It should be Bibi now.
MARK:
Hmm.
Bibi.
Ooh, careful of my earring.
BIBI [OVER RADIO]:
You know, 1--
I even feel like Bibi all of a sudden.
It's like. um. learning tn ice-skate...
...or riding a bicycle.
One day you can't,
and then the next moment, everything--
I don't believe you.
I think you've been storing it all up.
Shh!
That was nice.
Shall we try it again?
[WATER SPLASHES,
TRANSMISSION ENDS]
What happened?
The same thing that always happens.
Poor Bibi.
It's too bad.
I was planning to liquidate Mr. Kuryakin.
Now we shall have to kill her too.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh, Mr. Kuryakin.
- Good morning, sunshine.
The baroness is unable to play tennis.
- Oh?
- Not for several more days.
Well, how is she?
Still very tired.
The virus, it doesn't go away.
It's been here quite a while.
Yes.
Is she, uh, in her room?
- Yes, she's resting.
- Listen, I won't be a minute.
All I want to do is to go up
and say hello and give her these.
She's not to be disturbed.
The baron's orders.
Well, will you give her my regards?
And the flowers.
When she is able to receive them.
[SNORING]
Baroness?
Bibi?
Olaf.
He, uh, found the telegram?
Naturally.
I knew he couldn't resist
the temptation to search the room.
[BRONX ACCENT]
Ah, for Pete's sake--
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I mean, oh, dear me.
I do believe the book has fallen.
[CHUCKLES]
It was very good that time.
Forty-two seconds.
Oh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Excuse me. I think this is someone
you're gonna want to meet.
Hello.
It's not polite to stare.
Miss Shlagenheimer,
this is IIIya Kuryakin.
He's been working with the baroness
at the chateau.
How do you do?
We've met.
We have?
At the Lady Godiva Bar in Hamburg.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, yes. 01 course.
How are things at the chateau?
ILLYA: We make the switch
tomorrow night at 8:30.
Tomorrow night? So soon?
That's when the quarterly rendezvous
will take place.
I found a telegram in a drawer.
You did?
There's really very little
to be concerned about, miss, uh...
Shlagenheimer.
Yes.
Now, the baroness
is still in bed with a virus.
She won't get up until it's time
to get ready for the rendezvous...
...which is at 9:15.
She's due to be picked up at 9...
...which means the rendezvous itself
will be quite close to the chateau.
After you have been to the rendezvous,
you'll return to the chateau.
Pretend you feel tired, go back to bed.
And what if I actually fall asleep?
Oh, don't worry. I'll wake you up again
when I bring back the real baroness.
Oh, uh, one thing.
If you do fall asleep, remember...
...the baroness snares.
Mark, she's wearing outfit 14,
the gold dress.
We'd better not drive
any further than this.
The back entrance to the chateau
is just down there.
Go through the rose garden
and past the pool.
Yeah, I know. I-- I studied the map.
Want some help with that?
- Yes.
- Here.
Everything else straight?
Mmm.
Everything else is fine.
[SIGHS]
Do you know, Mark...
...ever since I was a little girl...
...I've dreamed about somebody
with eyes like yours?
Who would come and rescue me from
whatever there was to be rescued from.
Like a horse in Hamburg. I know.
[THUD]
[MOANING]
[VEHICLES APPROACHING]
Aah! No! Aah!
Shh.
Two marks for once around the ring.
[SIGHS]
[MUTTERING IN GERMAN]
Keep you hands on the horse--
Rosy?
Look, I don't think
I can go through with it.
Yes, you can.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Mark?
[RADIO BEEPING]
[RADIO CLICKS]
Slate.
I have the girl.
[GRUNTING]
“Na?
[GRUNTING]
“Na?
[GRUNTING]
IIIya.
What is it?
[SIGHS]
Mark, maybe we should wait
a little longer.
No, it's time.
Look, everything's going to be all right.
IIIya's got the baroness.
That's the important thing.
Yes, but what if something
should happen?
Mark, I'm scared.
Of course you're scared.
Don't worry. It's all gonna be fine.
I have complete confidence in you.
Go ahead.
[SIGHS]
All right.
Remember, IIIya won't be far away.
And if you should come across Olaf--
Oh, don't worry about Olaf.
He's been eating out of my hand since--
I mean...
[SIGHS]
You know what I mean.
Hello, Freddy.
Olaf told me you had arrived.
Mr. Slate's timing was perfect.
What about IIIya--?
Mr. Kuryakin and the girl?
Are you worried about them?
I just don't want them to be killed,
that's all.
I'm afraid it can't be helped.
You know Thrush.
Uh, would you fix me a brandy, please?
My poor child.
You do care for Mr. Kuryakin, don't you?
And for Mr. Slate as well.
What I did, it was only for you.
I understand.
But now to more immediate problems.
In a little while,
you will be given a false list of names.
I just don't understand why I have to go
through this ridiculous ceremony.
I mean, under the circumstances--
Because it is just possible, my dear...
...that U.N.C.L.E. will be present
at the rendezvous.
And if they are present...
...well, then we must put on a show
for them, mustn't we?
Lest they become suspicious.
Yes, I see.
I knew you would.
To your health, my dear.
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE STARTS]
You're 10 seconds late.
I'm sorry.
How far is it to the wine cave?
Less than two kilometers, sir.
Good. Then we shall make it on time.
Let's go, driver.
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
Rosy.
Rosy, I can't get my arms down.
Rosy, wake up.
Rosy, wake up!
Miss Shlagenheimer!
That's it, Rosy. Now, reach out.
- Reach inside, come on.
- Oh, uh.
Side pocket. Cigarette lighter.
- Cigarette lighter, cigarette lighter.
- Mmm.
Good, good. Now light it.
Light it. Yeah, light it.
Oh! Hmm.
It's all right. Now point it at the lock.
The lock.
Aah! Try to avoid me. I bum easily.
Oh. Oh, dear.
That's good. Yeah, that's it.
I think you're getting it.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Hold it.
Put it 0”. Pull it in.
Go to sleep.
Ah.
[ILLYA GROANS]
All right, Mr. Kuryakin.
Now that everyone's gene,
we can have some fun, huh?
[LAUGHS]
Suppose we play a little tennis.
[OLAF LAUGHING]
ILLYA:
You'd better be careful, sunshine.
They can't be very far away.
They only had 15 minutes to get there.
How do you know about the wine caves?
You just told me.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[ILLYA SCREAMS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[OLAF GRUNTS]
Thank you.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Mr. Slate taught me that.
It means “my pleasure.“
Oh.
[ROSY SIGHS]
THIRTY:
This way, baroness.
MAN:
Good evening, baroness.
Good evening.
MAN:
Here is your list.
This time, you will not
have to memorize it.
MARK:
Drop them.
Over here.
Sony to intrude.
If anyone moves,
I'm gonna have to kill your peerless leader.
Here's the list.
Take it and run. You can make it.
I'm sure I can.
And I'm sure our friend here
won't let anyone try and stop me.
The list is a fake. Isn't it, baroness?
You know?
MARK: Unfortunately,
I didn't know soon enough.
- Oh, Mark--
- Never mind that now.
I'm more interested in him.
[GLASS SMASHING]
Freddy!
Poor Bibi. I'm sorry I had to deceive you.
But you were of such great use to me.
Until you became the victim
of your own heart.
That's enough, baron.
You'd better come with me.
Capturing Thrush Central's treasurer
would be a feather in your cap...
...wouldn't it, Mr. Slate?
Alas, I'm afraid it is not to be.
You're only mildly tranquilized, Mr. Slate.
Oh, I just as easily could have killed him.
But it's a matter of jurisdiction.
Now, murder,
that's Mr. Thirty's department.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Mr. Thirty, will you be kind enough
to dispose of Mr. Slate...
...and my wife as well?
I'm afraid I was never cutout
to be a good husband.
Mark!
- Good show.
- My mother was a wrestler.
BIBI:
Look out!
Thanks, Bibi.
[GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOTS]
Oh, allow me.
Uh, Mr. Waverly.
I think you know the Baroness De Chasseur.
Of course.
Hello.
The baroness has been with
the head of our intelligence department.
She's given them the list of names
of all past meetings.
I had to memorize all the names.
But fortunately,
I have an excellent memory.
The list is not exactly up-to-date.
But I think it will be
of considerable help to us.
Oh, it will indeed.
Yes, indeed. Do sit down.
You know, baroness,
when you came in just now...
...I couldn't be certain whether you were
indeed the baroness or that other...
Uh, what was her name, uh...?
BOTH:
Shlagenheimer.
Ah, yes, yes.
Well, by the way.
what happened to her?
Is she back in the entertainment field?
No, she retired.
As a matter of fact,
we're all invited to the wedding.
Wedding?
She's gonna be a baroness after all.
Oh, ho.
MARK: A cattle baroness.
She's going to live on a yacht.
Oh, not Charlie.
The Texan in the Paris restaurant, sir.
Remember?
Oh. Oh, well.
Well, uh, suppose we all go
and have a little lunch somewhere?
I'm terribly sorry,
but I've got a previous engagement.
Oh. Well, perhaps some other day.
Ah, Mr. Solo.
Why, you are looking
in the pink of condition now, Mr. Solo.
Oh, thank you, sir. The doctor says
I can return to work tomorrow morning.
Oh, excellent.
Uh, this is the Baroness De Chasseur,
Mr. Solo.
Yes, I've already had the pleasure.
- You have?
- Are you ready, Bibi?
I'll, uh, see you after lunch, gentlemen.
MARK: Napoleon doesn't waste
any time, does he?
Yes, just like he's never been away.
[ENGLISH SDH]