The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 25 - The Hot Number Affair - full transcript
The pattern of a dress is really a Thrush code. UNCLE and Thrush are each trying to get the dress.
Mr. France, we paid you,
and we paid you well...
...to make an exclusive fabric print
for us.
So you've got it.
What's the matter? You didn't like it?
Exclusive. That means only one.
You made a copy.
Who says so?
See the pattern on that dress?
It's made out
of my exclusive fabric pattern.
[SCOFFS]
All you gave me was a jumble
of cockamamie signs and colors...
...and I made it into a thing of beauty.
An artist has a right to his own creation.
Not this one.
Who did you give it to?
I have to take the Fifth on that.
MAN:
You'll take nothing. Who has that print?
Just a friend.
Somebody I wanted to help out.
My knuckles
are getting sore from knocking.
ILLYA:
Tenderfoot.
You don't like the plumbing, move!
Wait, we're looking for a Mr. Jay France.
So go look. I don't know no Jay France.
Did he used to live in this building?
Who knows? They come and go.
One's as bad as the other.
- Well, he's an artist.
- Big deal.
Down here, every deadbeat's an artist
when he's trying to jump the rent.
This is very important.
So's what's cooking on my stove.
Get lost.
Well, the only thing to do
is to go on knocking.
For the last time, Mr. France,
the very last.
You rotten Cossacks.
You'll get nothing more from me.
Nothing.
No!
Sony, wrong door.
Time to talk, now.
Come on, you guys.
I just did it for my buddy at Agnes Sue's.
[FRANCE GRUNTING]
Why did you waste our time?
[EXPLOSIONS BOOM]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Let's break it down.
Here we go. One, two--
SOLO: Those charred scissors
are all we salvaged, sir.
ILLYA:
Well, perhaps this might help.
WAVERLY:
It's rather poor photograph.
Unfortunately.
the original isn't any better.
SOLO:
Hmm.
The original of the girl
is probably very nice indeed.
I daresay, Mr. Solo...
...but at the moment,
we're only concerned about the dress.
- Pity.
- What do you think, Mr. Kuryakin?
I can't see much of the dress pattern,
but I would say that it was tertiary code.
Mr. Solo?
Looks like a secondary code to me.
WAVERLY: I've just been in contact
with our Intelligence Section.
On a preliminary examination,
it appears to be the Thrush F.Y.R.
The Thrush Five-Year Report?
WAVERLY: Complete with names,
addresses and places.
Apparently, they chose this method
of transmitting their report.
- Not with a picture in the paper.
WAVERLY: Certainly not.
Obviously, the dress or the fabric
slipped out of their possession somehow.
Which is why Jay France was killed.
Precisely, Mr. Kuryakin.
And Thrush will do everything in its power
to recover that dress. Unless, of course--
SOLO: We get there--
- We get there first, yeah.
WAVERLY:
Very good, gentlemen. Very good.
If we can find and decode that dress,
we can deal Thrush a staggering blow.
Who's the girl?
Hmm? Well, it says,
“It was a marvelous affair...“
[ILLYA MUMBLING]
Pink Jane...satin, low-cut...“
Doesn't mention the girl or the dress.
Hmm. Well, that stops us cold.
Take a look at this lethal device
you picked up at that designer's studio.
There's a name etched in it.
ILLYA:
“Agnes Sue.“
Who's Agnes Sue?
As far as we're able to determine,
she manufactures women's dresses.
This hand I wouldn't wish
on my worst enemies.
Hey, you know what they say, Harry:
unlucky at cards, lucky at business.
Well, the only thing worse than this hand
is this business.
- Gentlemen.
SOLO: Hello there.
We'd like to see Miss Agnes Sue.
HARRY:
Oh, you're seeing.
This is Agnes and I'm Sue.
SOLO:
Oh, how are you?
I'm Mr. Solo, this is Mr. Kuryakin.
Oh, Harry Sighn
and I'm Harry Parkaginian.
Oh, two Harrys. Heh.
PARKAGINIAN:
Yeah.
Kuryakin, this is a Japanese name?
Harry, please.
Uh, Mr. Kuryakin represents
the Goldwood chain, Japanese branch.
[ILLYA SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]
SIGHN: Hello.
- Now, Harry, you satisfied?
This is a high-volume outlet.
We don't want to mislead you.
We are only interested in one dress.
One dress? This is a wholesale house.
You wanna know my opinion?
You don't look like a buyer.
What Mr. Kuryakin means
is that we're only buying one style today.
This one.
Oh, just a minute.
Mr. Kuryakin of the Goldwood chain?
SOLO: Ahem.
ILLYA: Oy.
Harry, you know we haven't got
anything like that in our line.
But they don't.
I got a hunch it's a hot number.
Forty years in the business,
still looking for a hot number.
You wouldn't know a hot number...
...it it jumped off the rack
and hit you on the nose.
You kept us out of knits...
...we missed the pants suit, the Sonny
and Cher look passed us like a shot.
Harry, it that Japanese gent is a buyer,
I'm a telephone pole.
Have you ever seen a blond Japanese?
[ILLYA GROANS]
Here it is. This is from our newest line.
ILLYA: I don't think so.
If you look at the picture in the paper...
[JAPANESE ACCENT]
The pattern.
You're absolutely right. We made a mistake.
Here, feel the goods.
And with the back a little lower,
this is the number you want.
[DOOR OPENS]
Morning, Mr. Sighn. Morning, Mr. P.
This is morning?
A friend of mine dragged me
all over the Caribbean in his plane.
PARKAGINIAN:
That took till 12:00?
How was I to know
you were gonna have buyers today?
That's her. Ahem. The girl in the picture.
No, the girl in the picture is blond.
SIGHN:
She's gorgeous, isn't she?
Wait a minute.
I've got just what you're looking for.
- Ramona.
RAMONA: Yeah?
You made Fashion Weekly.
Big deal. All you can see is my back.
Yeah, but the dress.
This pattern could put Agnes Sue back
on the map.
Hand me the hanger, will you, please?
Well, we're gonna get calls
on that dress. I know it.
You see, I made the line simple,
so it wouldn't detract from the pattern.
Actually, it's the pattern
that'll sell this dress, not my design.
RAMONA:
Sure.
Boy, Ramona, I really appreciate you
wearing this dress. I really do.
I had to wear something.
You can keep it after I get it into work.
Could you move?
You're blocking my light, Gary.
It's Jerry, not Gary.
Did you bring the dress back?
Uh-uh, you need it?
Yeah, that's the only copy in the world.
That print had to be hand-screened.
Boy, you know,
this could get Agnes Sue out of the hole.
Did I tell you Mr. P had to mortgage
his house again?
Really?
Sharpen this for me, will you, Gary?
It's,uh...
That party got a lot of coverage,
didn't it?
RAMONA:
Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot. You got a call
from some guy with a weird name.
I think he was an Arab or something.
RAMONA:
Oh, Poo-Shee-Ba-ba.
Yeah, that's it.
He said he wants to show you his oil fields.
RAMONA:
Him and his oil fields. He's a big drag.
He's gonna call you back.
Do me a favor, tell him I left for Australia.
Those sheets he wears are the worst.
SIGHN:
Here's number 25. Put it on quick.
Nope.
Here, that's just what you're looking for.
ILLYA [JAPANESE ACCENT]:
You showed us this one before.
Wrong pattern.
Let's not be too hasty, Mr. Kuryakin.
He don't even look Japanese.
SOLO:
Would you tum around, please?
PARKAGINIAN: You like the lines?
- Mm, very much.
- You're wasting our time.
- Speak for yourself.
- Are these all the prints you have?
- Just a minute. I'll check in the back.
Jerry, have you got any idea
whose print this might be?
JERRY: It's ours, Mr. P.
- What?
Something that I did on my own, Mr. P.
You did it? You're a designer now?
Well, I thought
the line could use a little help.
PARKAGINIAN: Jerry, you're a genius.
- I am?
PARKAGINIAN:
And a troublemaker.
I have a buyer in the showroom,
and I don't have a sample.
We", tell them to come back.
I'll get the sample.
Jerry, you're a good boy,
but please, get a haircut.
I'll pay for the barber.
Jerry, the machine.
Ah, you ruined the capris.
Gosh, Mr. P, I feel terrible about this.
Why should you feel terrible?
It's not your goods, it's my goods.
I'm so glad you're not upset.
Upset? Why should I be upset?
If you did something good, I'd be upset.
Disaster, I know.
Maybe we could just put a seam
across here?
Can we make Bermudas?
PARKAGINIAN:
Make Bermudas.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello.
SOLO:
Anything in the back?
I think I've found
exactly what you've been looking for.
- I'll have it for you tomorrow.
- As soon as you get it, give us a call.
Very important.
Sure, tell him, that's our dress.
Yeah, that's why she wore it.
U.N.C.L.E.? I thought it was Goldwood.
Uh, it's our local outlet.
[DOOR OPENS]
I have a feeling
this isn't your average holdup.
[WHISPERS]
We're being held up.
RAMONA: Where?
- Shh. There. Come on.
RAMONA: This place?
- Yeah.
RAMONA:
I gotta go through there?
JERRY:
This'll let you out on the loading dock.
RAMONA:
Oh.
This'll take forever.
Forget it. Throw it all on the platform.
[WHISPERS]
Police.
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
just tell us what you're looking for.
Whatever it is, we'll give you a price.
- And if we don't have it, we'll make it.
- Shut up.
ILLYA: You think they're looking
for the same thing we're looking for?
I think it's altogether possible.
We can't let them do that.
Any suggestions?
That's acid.
Stop, stop! Take blood!
SOLO: Now.
ILLYA: Hmm?
Ow!
You're wanted on line two, Mr. P.
Jerry,
are you responsible for this disaster?
Me? Why me?
- Why not?
- Harry, the phone.
You take it, Harry.
I got a pain high in the chest.
These are not normal
New York gangsters.
That dress you made,
that must have something to do with it.
Look at this.
We don't even have a line
to go into bankruptcy with.
Don't worry, Mr. P.
everything's gonna work out okay.
- I got a hunch.
- You got a hunch.
SIGHN:
Harry, we got a hot number!
Trimble's wants three dozen.
Three dozen? Three dozen what?
We don't even have a rag left.
- Was it the dress in Fashion Weekly?
- Yeah, that's the one.
I knew it!
We made it. We made it!
Beautiful. We got a hot number
that I haven't even seen yet.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Agnes Sue.
The dress in the paper, I--
[WHISPERS]
Yeah, we have that.
I'm sorry, we don't have any more samples.
A little accident.
- We have a sample on that dress.
- Go in the back and-- What?
Yes! The dress is safe.
Ramona had it at home
when all this happened.
Jerry, I'm not a violent man...
...but so help me,
if you're kidding, I'll kill you.
Would I kid you?
That dress is my baby. I designed it.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Agnes Sue.
Bergdorf's!
Bergdorf's?
What do they want?
The hot number.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
At once, sir. Goodbye, sir.
A genius!
- My second cousin's son, a genius.
- We'll put it in nylon.
No, corduroy.
No, better yet, velvet. We'll cut velvet!
Mr. S, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
You see, it's the pattern
that makes that dress.
You're telling a boss what to do?
You're telling a genius.
Go to Ramona and get the hot number,
in a hurry.
We gotta get it in to work
before the competition.
I'm on my way.
The first cutting
has got to be a hundred dozen.
Cheapskate. Ten hundred!
[SIGHN WAILS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
ILLYA: I don't think we're going to learn
any more from that photograph.
Well, Mr. Solo seems to be enjoying
himself with it.
I'm just concentrating on my work.
There's some lettering on the hem.
B-U-U-D-E-R.
That's being looked into, Mr. Solo.
Apparently.
It's the only thing we have left to go on.
SOLO:
Oh, I don't know.
That back. I'm sure that was the model
at Agnes Sue's.
She's a blond.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
I don't know about her hair,
but I'd recognize that back.
WAVERLY:
Yes? It's for you, Mr. Solo.
Solo here.
Mm-hm. Put him on.
Mr. Sighn?
Oh, I'll be right over.
I was right.
The dress is at Agnes Sue's.
- You mean they had it?
WAVERLY: Thank you.
ILLYA: Every single dress
at Agnes Sue's was destroyed.
Uh-uh, they say it wasn't in the shop
at the time.
I think IIIya and I
ought to go over there, sir.
Just a moment. Just a moment.
You can go there, Mr. Solo.
Mr. Kuryakin
will have another assignment.
That, uh, lettering on the dress...
...apparently it's the signature
01a man named Charles A. Buuder.
Cotton knits and novelty fabrics.
I want you to check him out,
Mr. Kuryakin.
Yes, sir.
Shall I go as our Japanese buyer
from the Goldwood chain?
I think, uh, Mr. Kuryakin ought to go
as a fashion designer this time.
You could supply him with references,
a few samples.
Yes, I think Mr. Solo's suggestion
is admirable.
You think you can do a convincing job
as a fashion designer, Mr. Kuryakin?
I'm sure I can, sir.
Ahem.
I'm sorry I'm going to miss that one.
We're gonna miss everything if you
don't hurry to Agnes Sue's, Mr. Solo.
SOLO:
Yes, sir.
Two dozen, that's all?
Oh, of course we can handle it.
Uh, but you'll have to wait your tum.
Bye-bye.
SOLO:
Remember me?
I never forget a face.
You came in here with your wife last month.
You have a retail store in Queens.
You called and said you had that print.
You're gonna be a successful young man.
You've got a winner.
Mm-hm. May I...? Can I see the dress?
The dress is good. Trust me.
I'd like to see that sample though.
Please, I'm not pushing this dress.
Like a rocket, psh!
You don't have that sample?
Well, not here, but, uh, not right now.
But, uh, can you come back tomorrow?
Well, tomorrow may be too late.
Well, then, sit down and wait.
You young people, always in a hurry.
Boy, do we have a hot number.
I can't go running off to Europe
every five minutes.
I'll have to miss the unveiling.
To tell you the truth, Bruce, I'm broke.
It doesn't matter
if you pay your own way.
I get my check on the 20th.
Okay, I'll talk to you then. Bye-bye.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Hi, Jimmy. Just a second.
There's somebody at the door.
- Hi, Ramona.
- Come on in.
You know, that dress, uh--
Just a second,
I got somebody on the phone.
Jimmy, sweetheart?
Oh, it's just Gary from the shop.
You did? Oh, that's fantastic!
All right, we'll set a new altitude record.
I'll wear my pressure suit.
No cracks.
Okay, bye-bye.
Make yourself a drink.
This isn't exactly a social call, heh.
Well, then let's get straight to business.
Well, it's not all that business either.
Well, then what about half and half?
I really came for the dress.
Well, I'm coming in in a little while.
Why don't I bring it with me then?
JERRY:
I could take it back.
We have to get it in to work right away.
You know, the competition and everything.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I don't exactly have it here.
- You don't?
- I left it some place.
Do you think you could find it?
Oh, I'm getting dressed now,
and I'll bring it in with me when I come.
Sure. Why not?
Long as we get it back, you know.
You're sweet, Gary.
She called me Gary.
It's Jerry!
Yes, Hardy?
Well, send him right in.
And come in yourself.
ILLYA: Mr. Buuder?
- I'm Mr. Buuder.
ILLYA:
Uh, my name is Kuryakin.
I'm a freelance dress designer.
Some of my friends tell me
that you have some prints that won't quit.
BUUDER:
You're a good designer, Kuryakin?
Yes, I'm an excellent designer, thank you.
I have excellent references.
- Of course, I'm not interested--
BUUDER: You're not a designer.
You were at Agnes Sue's.
[HARDY GRUNTS THEN ILLYA CRIES]
U.N.C.L.E. That means
they're still looking for the dress.
HARDY: It wasn't destroyed?
- No.
I think we better get back
to Agnes Sue's.
HARDY:
Right.
PARKAGINIAN:
Don't worry, you'll get it.
- Uh, Agnes Sue.
PARKAGINIAN: What is it?
Fourteen seventy-five. Cash on the line.
SIGHN: Who needs cash anymore?
Put it on the bill.
DELIVERY MAN:
Well, they told me not to.
Harry, you got some change?
SIGHN:
No, all I got is a $5 bill.
Mr. Buyer, uh...
SOLO:
Mm.
SIGHN:
Thank you.
Harry, what made you order
a new finishing iron?
SIGHN:
I was just gonna ask the same question.
Jerry, he must have bought it.
PARKAGINIAN: The genius comes back.
SIGHN: Did you get the dress?
Sure, he got the dress.
You didn't get the dress?
Don't worry, it'll be here.
Ramona's gonna bring it back with her.
Who's Ramona?
Our model. Who else?
Where did she live?
Please, you're a nice gentleman,
but we don't give out our models.
You want addresses? Try Liggett's
Swimwear on the third floor.
It's a long story, Jerry.
but Ramona may be in danger.
- Danger?
SOLO: Where does she live, Jerry?
626 Elm, but--
Ramona in danger?
Who'd wanna hurt her?
SIGHN: Harry, don't tell me
I'm seeing what I'm seeing.
PARKAGINIAN:
Oh, not again, gentlemen.
Where is it?
Hardy.
Please, I got a weak stomach.
[JERRY GRUNTS]
JERRY:
And I got a weak jaw.
Plug it in.
Mr. Parkaginian,
how long does it take this iron to get hot?
You had to buy a new finishing iron?
We needed it, Mr. P.
The old one wouldn't heat up.
I'd love to, Angela. All right.
Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Are you Angela's friend?
Uh, well, show me Angela,
and I'll tell you.
No, I mean.
did Angela send you over here?
No, I came on my own.
Well, who are you?
I don't let strangers in my apartment.
You don't remember me, huh?
Did I meet you
at Gee Gee's last summer?
- No, I'm a friend of Jerry's.
- I don't know any Jerrys.
- Well, you have a dress of his.
-01 hers?
No, of his.
He's a cutter, he made a dress for you.
Oh, the cutter for Agnes Sue, yeah.
Right, right.
Now, I have to have that dress back.
- Gee, I don't have it.
- I wish you'd try and find it.
- It's very important.
- Well, why didn't he come himself?
Who? Oh, Jerry.
Well, uh, he's, uh, busy cutting.
[CLICKING TONGUE]
I can't find the dress.
- Where is it?
- How should I know?
[SOLO SCOFFS]
I don't know.
That was a foolish question, wasn't it?
Have you changed your mind
about telling us where the dress is?
PARKAGINIAN:
I don't feel good.
- Gas?
- No, I got a terrible headache.
Ah, would you mind getting Mr. P's pills?
They're right over there in that desk.
Apparently, you think I'm joking.
[IRON SIZZLING]
JERRY:
No, please! I'll talk, I'll talk.
I can't stand it, I'll tell you.
Our model has it. Her name is Ramona.
Jerry, don't you dare!
SIGHN:
Don't believe him, he's lying.
I'm not. I'm not!
- Shut up, Jerry!
- I'm telling the truth.
HARDY: Where do we find her?
- She'd be home now.
HARDY:
Where's home?
Look in the" Look in this card file
under R101 Ramona.
[JERRY GROANING]
The little punk's telling the truth.
Let's go.
SIGHN: Harry.
- I know, I know.
The genius is also a fink.
ILLYA [MUFFLED]:
How long are you gonna keep me in here?
Ouch!
Ouch!
[GRUNTING]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
SOLO:
Are you sure the dress is here?
RAMONA:
No.
Could it be somewhere else?
RAMONA:
I probably left it some place.
You said you were at a party with a lot
of, uh, celebrities and photographers.
I remember. I left it in a little town
called Zapata on the island of Andros.
SOLO: Andros, in the Bahamas?
- I can tell you the exact spot.
There's a hotel near the air terminal...
...and it's owned by a big sugar man
named Bellpon.
- It's at a hotel?
- Well, it was strictly chaperoned.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Excuse me.
My communicator is buzzing. Solo here.
- I've checked out Buuder.
- Is he involved?
Well, if he isn't, he's awfully hostile
towards freelance designers.
Where is he now?
ILLYA [OVER RADIO]:
I've fast him for the moment-
We'll pick him up later.
Our primary objective now
is to secure the dress.
Where are you?
At Ramona's, uh, apartment.
Are you making any headway?
I don't know, I think so.
Uh, I think I located the dress.
It's in Zapata at a hotel
owned by man named Bellpon.
Wait a minute. It's in Bellpon.
- At a hotel owned by a man, Zapata.
- Owned by a man named Zapata.
SOLO:
Right. Did you get that?
- Yes.
SOLO: Check it out, all right?
- Well, it may take me a while.
SOLO: It can't be helped?
Wait. I couldn't have worn it there, because
I wore it in Puerto Rico at the casino.
- Which casino?
- You know the one with the pretty fountain?
Piratino. Is that where you left it?
Yeah, we went swimming, I rented a suit,
and then I changed in the cabana.
- Is she sure?
- Sure, I'm sure.
- What do you think, IIIya?
- I think I'm gonna rent myself a cabana.
SOLO:
Remember, you burn easily.
Well, I'm off again.
[SOLO CLEARS THROAT]
SOLO: I was hoping I could persuade you
to, uh, stay a while.
How long a while?
Until my friend returns
with whatever he's found.
Don't you trust me?
Maybe I just wanna
be alone with you a while.
Well, I have Sunday afternoon open.
Operator, I want to place a call
to Puerto Rico, please.
I want to talk to the Hotel Piratino
in San Juan.
Deposit $6.50 for three minutes, please.
Uh, I'm afraid
I don't have that much change.
I do have a credit card though.
OPERATOR: What is the number
of your credit card, please?
Uh, 38422.
Is that 3842V, as in “victory“?
No, that's 38422, as in “zebra.“
We do not use “zebra," we use “zero.“
Operator, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Will you speak to anyone?
Uh, yes.
You can speak to someone in particular
if you like.
The charge is almost the same,
you know.
Operator, will you please make the call?
Jerry, you did a terrible thing.
Sure, Harry could've taken it.
We got all kinds of cowards in this family,
but no finks.
I didn't give him her address.
Jerry, please, with my own ears, I heard.
Mr. Broadcasting-Company.
Look at that card.
She hasn't lived there in six months.
What are you saying?
Don't you remember?
Her address is 626 Elm.
That's the address I gave the buyer.
How do you know where she lives?
You follow her home?
It's right on the way.
Besides, I don't like to see her
in the street by herself.
Big hero.
We better hurry. As long as she's got
that dress on, she's in danger.
- You go ahead, we'll be right behind you.
JERRY: All right.
You and I have to go down
to Sal's Sporting Goods store.
There's something we have to pick up.
- We do?
- You bet your life we do.
This is the Hotel Piratino
I'm speaking to?
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH OVER PHONE]
MAN:
Once again, we do not have cabanas.
Well, whatever it is that people change
into their bathing suits.
MAN: Bathing suits?
Seiiar, we are 14 miles from the beach.
You're"?
Needless to say,
you don't have a swimming pool.
MAN: That is right, seiiar,
but we have a steam mum.
No, that won't do.
Never mind, thank you.
Thank you!
Operator.
- Yes?
I want to place a call to a hotel
owned by a man named Zapata in Bellpon.
That's in Andros in the Bahamas.
Deposit $6"
- I have a credit card.
OPERATOR: Oh!
Number 38422, as in “zero," right?
- Right.
- I remembered.
I'm so glad.
OPERATOR:
Now, that is a hotel...
...owned by a man named Andros
in Zapata.
Is that correct, sir?
It's a hotel owned by a man
named Bellpon in Andros.
Or is it, um...?
Oh, never mind. Let's try it your way.
- It's amazing.
- What's amazing?
SOLO: You could be the reincarnation
of an Egyptian princess.
You look like all of the carvings
on the temples along the Nile.
- Have you ever been in Egypt?
RAMONA: No, have you?
No, I just thought it was a way
of getting a little something going.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
SOLO:
Ahem. Excuse me.
Mm, you made excellent time.
Yeah, well, I made all the lights.
SOLO:
“Na. Ramona. Ramona. “Na.
- Did you find the dress?
- No.
I hope Mr. Waverly approves
of all these long-distance calls.
SOLO: The dress wasn't in the cabana?
- The Piratino doesn't have cabanas.
Oh. Now, are you sure
you left it in Bellpon?
No, I checked.
- I could've sworn.
- Ramona, think.
RAMONA: All right, let's see.
I left Bellport, I went to Puerto Rico.
Then I went to Palm Beach.
Then I went--
I left Marcus in Palm Beach.
ILLYA: Marcus?
- That's my dog.
- He was only to stay there for the weekend.
SOLO: Ramona, what about the dress?
I'm trying. I'm trying--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Van Dyke, $3.10.
You guys got any money?
- Smallest I have is a 5.
- That'll do.
You look like a nice man.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
- That's it.
- Sure looks like it.
I'm positive. Look, “A2+2AB-BE.“
All right. All right.
RAMONA: Now I remember.
It was in Fort Lauderdale.
Vince spilled Cherries Jubilee on me.
Well, sorry for any inconvenience
we caused you.
We got what we came for,
so, uh, we really have to get right back.
So soon? I wanted to get to know
your friend better.
No, we really have to get right back.
What are you two, some kind of a team?
[BOTH]
Bye.
Well, come back Sunday,
and bring your friend.
Well, ahem, there go our Sundays.
All right, you dress pirates,
hand over Jerry's hot number.
I think I'm gonna faint.
Ramona!
Are you all right?
PARKAGINIAN:
Never mind about Ramona right now.
She's a healthy girl.
Take the dress from this dress stealer.
From behind. From behind!
Here, take this gun.
Keep it pointed at these two.
Harry and I'll go back
and put the dress into work.
- Now, wait. Listen, that dress--
- Don't you move.
- That dress is important. More importa--
- He's telling us.
If it wasn't important,
would you try to steal it?
And those other bandits. Let's go, Harry.
Wait, if you're going to take the dress,
uh, put it in a safe place...
...under lock and key,
until we have a little talk.
Talk? What's to talk?
Well, if you give us an exclusive
on the dress, uh, money's no object.
Enough of that.
We don't deal with bandits.
Why should we deal with bandits...
...when we got orders
from the biggest stars in the city?
- Get back.
- Wait.
The truth.
We're from U.N.C.L.E.
We don't care who you're relatives are.
Come on, Harry.
If they give you any trouble,
shoot first, then call the police.
Okay, Mr. P.
You may be able to pass as a buyer,
Napoleon...
But...?
But a salesman, you're not.
That's right.
We're gonna start production right away.
SIGHN: You wanna increase the order?
That's my pleasure.
PARKAGINIAN:
An exclusive, I can't give you.
We already gave exclusives
to 14 different stores.
SIGHN:
Three dozen, got it.
As soon as possible.
That's as film as I can be.
Consider this a handshake
over the telephone.
Right, and give my love to the missus.
Harry, such a hot number
I never seen!
PARKAGINIAN:
Harry, I'm holding in my hand Fort Knox!
You wanna know something, Harry?
That Jerry is a genius!
That's it. Get it!
PARKAGINIAN:
Let's not make a fuss. We can talk.
- We're not fighters.
- Let's make a deal.
Fifty-fifty, an even split.
We'll put it in writing.
PARKAGINIAN:
We can use two more partners.
- In the sales end.
- We need men like you, aggressive.
SIGHN:
Harry and I, we're the creative types.
In two weeks, we'll have
a hundred thousand units on the street.
SIGHN:
Come on, Harry!
BUUDER:
Get it open!
[MEN GRUNT]
Where is it?
We don't have it.
It's hidden in a safe place.
If we can talk, maybe we can reach
some kind of an agreement.
Agreement?
I'll show you what kind of an agreement
we're gonna make.
Mm-mm. Did you ever smell
one of those things?
[CAPSULE CRACKS]
Ugh!
No wonder it wakes people up.
How is she?
She'll be coming around any second.
All because of me.
No, it's not your fault.
Yes, it is. I wanted to be a big here
and save the company and everything.
- Well, you did that.
- Yeah, but look at all the trouble I caused.
Should've done
like my Uncle Harry told me.
He said, "Jerry, don't make trouble.“
Tomorrow, I'm gonna get a haircut.
Well, isn't that the style
for young people?
IIike it.
I should've listened to my mother.
She wanted me to be in half sizes.
That's where all the volume is.
I wasn't trying
to be the biggest designer in the world.
All I wanted was somebody to call me
by my right name for a change.
It takes some people along time to
recognize what is really important to them.
Yeah, but how's one person gonna know
what another person's like...
...unless they sit down and talk to them?
Ever since I cut the legs 0” those capris,
everything's been going downhill for me.
Jerry, how did you get involved
with the print in the first place?
Oh, I met this guy in the Village.
He had the pattern, and I had the goods.
Then we gave it to Ramona to wear
to get the publicity.
Is your friend in the Village
named Jay France?
Yeah, that's it. He designed the print.
- Uh, not exactly.
- He didn't design it?
No, he was very closely supervised
by an associate named Buuder.
Buuder? So that's it.
It was his print.
No wonder he was so mad.
You know Buuder?
JERRY: Yeah, he came in Agnes Sue
with some other guy.
I don't know the other guy's name.
- Where are they now?
- I sent them on a wild-goose chase.
Jerry, those men are dangerous.
They probably went right back
to Agnes Sue's.
Where am I?
You fainted, Ramona.
You're right here in your own apartment.
SOLO:
We've got to get back to Agnes Sue's.
Your bosses are in danger.
- I fainted?
- Uh, miss...
...I suggest you throw a little cold water
on your face, make you feel better.
Then we'll all go to Agnes Sue's.
No, sir, boy. Nobody's going any place.
For once, I'm gonna do exactly
what my Uncle Harry told me to do.
- Hany, like shish kebab we're going.
- Hany, please.
This must be hard on you, huh, Harry?
Even at the beach,
you stay under the umbrella.
You're not afraid, Harry?
Mm, let me put it this way.
Joan of Arc I'm not.
They're burning us at a stake
like hobgoblins!
Jerry, this isn't a trick.
Call them on the phone, check it out.
I don't believe a word
you two are saying.
I never even heard of U.N.C.L.E.
You want to see
those two men alive again?
SOLO:
You know the kind of man Buuder is.
Doesn't matter.
You two are up to something. I know it.
All right, Illya, I guess it's time
to tell Jerry the real truth.
ILLYA:
It's all yours, Napoleon.
Jerry, do you know
what IIIya's real name is?
- Mm-mm.
SOLO: Bluestone.
IIIya Bluestone.
Bluestone Factory?
Upstate Pennsylvania?
Eighteen hundred machines, Jerry.
[WHISTLES]
[GUNFIRE]
[GRUNTING]
SOLO:
These amateurs can be dangerous.
You guys are gonna break my lease!
SOLO:
Jerry, listen to me.
We want your bosses
to duplicate the dresses...
...and we wanna keep them alive.
I haven't got time to explain now, because
we have to get over to Agnes Sue's.
ILLYA:
You understand, Jerry?
I'm with you, Mr. Bluestone.
[SIGHN AND PARKAGINIAN GRUNTING]
BUUDER:
That ought to do it.
You don't wanna know
where the dress is?
In five minutes, the place'll go up in smoke,
the dress with it.
But you don't know for sure.
Maybe we put it out the window.
Or in a fire-proof safe.
PARKAGINIAN:
It's still not too late to make a deal.
You let us go,
we'll tell you where the dress is.
Believe me, my partner's handshake
is good anywhere in the market.
Tell me where the dress is first,
then we'll talk.
I have a choice? Okay, it's a deal.
The dress is in the tube
underneath the other table.
More I couldn't do for my own brother.
All right, so if you'll untie us,
we'll be on our way.
Don't worry, you're on your way.
We had a firm deal!
No. No, that's not nice.
[GRUNTING AND YELLING]
PARKAGINIAN:
Sonny, hi.
JERRY: I'm okay.
SIGHN: Quick, where's the dress?
- Get it out of the way.
SIGHN: The hot number!
PARKAGINIAN:
Get it out of the way!
JERRY:
Ow!
RAMONA:
Oh, Mary...
It's Jerry!
Where did you learn that?
The University of Georgia.
You went to the University of Georgia?
The University of Georgia in the Ukraine.
Well, it appears Thrush is stymied after all,
once again, gentlemen.
We sent samples of the coded dress
to U.N.C.L.E. offices all over the world.
SIGHN:
Did they liked the samples?
Well, as a matter of fact, Mr. Sighn,
we've just received reports...
...from our headquarters
in Copenhagen and New Delhi.
They're being besieged by buyers.
Beautiful! Beautiful!
You know, we should change the name
to Agnes Sue International.
Mr. Waverly, you'd have a great future
in the dress business.
And we can use a good outside man.
I appreciate that, Mr. Sighn, Mr. P...
...but, uh, I think I've found my niche.
JERRY: Hi, Ramona.
- Hello.
I think Jerry's going
to be very successful.
- We're still friends, aren't we?
SOLO: Of course.
Incidentally, you're not going to give
Jerry's cover away, are you?
Jerry's cover?
He's one of our best agents.
- But up in my apartment--
- Convincing, wasn't he?
He sure fooled me.
That's why he's so valuable.
Jerry.
Hi, Ramona.
Gee, you look beautiful.
Jerry, you know, I've been thinking.
We've been working together
for such along time...
...and we hardly even know each other.
Don't you think it's time
we get better acquainted?
[ENGLISH SDH]
and we paid you well...
...to make an exclusive fabric print
for us.
So you've got it.
What's the matter? You didn't like it?
Exclusive. That means only one.
You made a copy.
Who says so?
See the pattern on that dress?
It's made out
of my exclusive fabric pattern.
[SCOFFS]
All you gave me was a jumble
of cockamamie signs and colors...
...and I made it into a thing of beauty.
An artist has a right to his own creation.
Not this one.
Who did you give it to?
I have to take the Fifth on that.
MAN:
You'll take nothing. Who has that print?
Just a friend.
Somebody I wanted to help out.
My knuckles
are getting sore from knocking.
ILLYA:
Tenderfoot.
You don't like the plumbing, move!
Wait, we're looking for a Mr. Jay France.
So go look. I don't know no Jay France.
Did he used to live in this building?
Who knows? They come and go.
One's as bad as the other.
- Well, he's an artist.
- Big deal.
Down here, every deadbeat's an artist
when he's trying to jump the rent.
This is very important.
So's what's cooking on my stove.
Get lost.
Well, the only thing to do
is to go on knocking.
For the last time, Mr. France,
the very last.
You rotten Cossacks.
You'll get nothing more from me.
Nothing.
No!
Sony, wrong door.
Time to talk, now.
Come on, you guys.
I just did it for my buddy at Agnes Sue's.
[FRANCE GRUNTING]
Why did you waste our time?
[EXPLOSIONS BOOM]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Let's break it down.
Here we go. One, two--
SOLO: Those charred scissors
are all we salvaged, sir.
ILLYA:
Well, perhaps this might help.
WAVERLY:
It's rather poor photograph.
Unfortunately.
the original isn't any better.
SOLO:
Hmm.
The original of the girl
is probably very nice indeed.
I daresay, Mr. Solo...
...but at the moment,
we're only concerned about the dress.
- Pity.
- What do you think, Mr. Kuryakin?
I can't see much of the dress pattern,
but I would say that it was tertiary code.
Mr. Solo?
Looks like a secondary code to me.
WAVERLY: I've just been in contact
with our Intelligence Section.
On a preliminary examination,
it appears to be the Thrush F.Y.R.
The Thrush Five-Year Report?
WAVERLY: Complete with names,
addresses and places.
Apparently, they chose this method
of transmitting their report.
- Not with a picture in the paper.
WAVERLY: Certainly not.
Obviously, the dress or the fabric
slipped out of their possession somehow.
Which is why Jay France was killed.
Precisely, Mr. Kuryakin.
And Thrush will do everything in its power
to recover that dress. Unless, of course--
SOLO: We get there--
- We get there first, yeah.
WAVERLY:
Very good, gentlemen. Very good.
If we can find and decode that dress,
we can deal Thrush a staggering blow.
Who's the girl?
Hmm? Well, it says,
“It was a marvelous affair...“
[ILLYA MUMBLING]
Pink Jane...satin, low-cut...“
Doesn't mention the girl or the dress.
Hmm. Well, that stops us cold.
Take a look at this lethal device
you picked up at that designer's studio.
There's a name etched in it.
ILLYA:
“Agnes Sue.“
Who's Agnes Sue?
As far as we're able to determine,
she manufactures women's dresses.
This hand I wouldn't wish
on my worst enemies.
Hey, you know what they say, Harry:
unlucky at cards, lucky at business.
Well, the only thing worse than this hand
is this business.
- Gentlemen.
SOLO: Hello there.
We'd like to see Miss Agnes Sue.
HARRY:
Oh, you're seeing.
This is Agnes and I'm Sue.
SOLO:
Oh, how are you?
I'm Mr. Solo, this is Mr. Kuryakin.
Oh, Harry Sighn
and I'm Harry Parkaginian.
Oh, two Harrys. Heh.
PARKAGINIAN:
Yeah.
Kuryakin, this is a Japanese name?
Harry, please.
Uh, Mr. Kuryakin represents
the Goldwood chain, Japanese branch.
[ILLYA SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]
SIGHN: Hello.
- Now, Harry, you satisfied?
This is a high-volume outlet.
We don't want to mislead you.
We are only interested in one dress.
One dress? This is a wholesale house.
You wanna know my opinion?
You don't look like a buyer.
What Mr. Kuryakin means
is that we're only buying one style today.
This one.
Oh, just a minute.
Mr. Kuryakin of the Goldwood chain?
SOLO: Ahem.
ILLYA: Oy.
Harry, you know we haven't got
anything like that in our line.
But they don't.
I got a hunch it's a hot number.
Forty years in the business,
still looking for a hot number.
You wouldn't know a hot number...
...it it jumped off the rack
and hit you on the nose.
You kept us out of knits...
...we missed the pants suit, the Sonny
and Cher look passed us like a shot.
Harry, it that Japanese gent is a buyer,
I'm a telephone pole.
Have you ever seen a blond Japanese?
[ILLYA GROANS]
Here it is. This is from our newest line.
ILLYA: I don't think so.
If you look at the picture in the paper...
[JAPANESE ACCENT]
The pattern.
You're absolutely right. We made a mistake.
Here, feel the goods.
And with the back a little lower,
this is the number you want.
[DOOR OPENS]
Morning, Mr. Sighn. Morning, Mr. P.
This is morning?
A friend of mine dragged me
all over the Caribbean in his plane.
PARKAGINIAN:
That took till 12:00?
How was I to know
you were gonna have buyers today?
That's her. Ahem. The girl in the picture.
No, the girl in the picture is blond.
SIGHN:
She's gorgeous, isn't she?
Wait a minute.
I've got just what you're looking for.
- Ramona.
RAMONA: Yeah?
You made Fashion Weekly.
Big deal. All you can see is my back.
Yeah, but the dress.
This pattern could put Agnes Sue back
on the map.
Hand me the hanger, will you, please?
Well, we're gonna get calls
on that dress. I know it.
You see, I made the line simple,
so it wouldn't detract from the pattern.
Actually, it's the pattern
that'll sell this dress, not my design.
RAMONA:
Sure.
Boy, Ramona, I really appreciate you
wearing this dress. I really do.
I had to wear something.
You can keep it after I get it into work.
Could you move?
You're blocking my light, Gary.
It's Jerry, not Gary.
Did you bring the dress back?
Uh-uh, you need it?
Yeah, that's the only copy in the world.
That print had to be hand-screened.
Boy, you know,
this could get Agnes Sue out of the hole.
Did I tell you Mr. P had to mortgage
his house again?
Really?
Sharpen this for me, will you, Gary?
It's,uh...
That party got a lot of coverage,
didn't it?
RAMONA:
Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot. You got a call
from some guy with a weird name.
I think he was an Arab or something.
RAMONA:
Oh, Poo-Shee-Ba-ba.
Yeah, that's it.
He said he wants to show you his oil fields.
RAMONA:
Him and his oil fields. He's a big drag.
He's gonna call you back.
Do me a favor, tell him I left for Australia.
Those sheets he wears are the worst.
SIGHN:
Here's number 25. Put it on quick.
Nope.
Here, that's just what you're looking for.
ILLYA [JAPANESE ACCENT]:
You showed us this one before.
Wrong pattern.
Let's not be too hasty, Mr. Kuryakin.
He don't even look Japanese.
SOLO:
Would you tum around, please?
PARKAGINIAN: You like the lines?
- Mm, very much.
- You're wasting our time.
- Speak for yourself.
- Are these all the prints you have?
- Just a minute. I'll check in the back.
Jerry, have you got any idea
whose print this might be?
JERRY: It's ours, Mr. P.
- What?
Something that I did on my own, Mr. P.
You did it? You're a designer now?
Well, I thought
the line could use a little help.
PARKAGINIAN: Jerry, you're a genius.
- I am?
PARKAGINIAN:
And a troublemaker.
I have a buyer in the showroom,
and I don't have a sample.
We", tell them to come back.
I'll get the sample.
Jerry, you're a good boy,
but please, get a haircut.
I'll pay for the barber.
Jerry, the machine.
Ah, you ruined the capris.
Gosh, Mr. P, I feel terrible about this.
Why should you feel terrible?
It's not your goods, it's my goods.
I'm so glad you're not upset.
Upset? Why should I be upset?
If you did something good, I'd be upset.
Disaster, I know.
Maybe we could just put a seam
across here?
Can we make Bermudas?
PARKAGINIAN:
Make Bermudas.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello.
SOLO:
Anything in the back?
I think I've found
exactly what you've been looking for.
- I'll have it for you tomorrow.
- As soon as you get it, give us a call.
Very important.
Sure, tell him, that's our dress.
Yeah, that's why she wore it.
U.N.C.L.E.? I thought it was Goldwood.
Uh, it's our local outlet.
[DOOR OPENS]
I have a feeling
this isn't your average holdup.
[WHISPERS]
We're being held up.
RAMONA: Where?
- Shh. There. Come on.
RAMONA: This place?
- Yeah.
RAMONA:
I gotta go through there?
JERRY:
This'll let you out on the loading dock.
RAMONA:
Oh.
This'll take forever.
Forget it. Throw it all on the platform.
[WHISPERS]
Police.
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
just tell us what you're looking for.
Whatever it is, we'll give you a price.
- And if we don't have it, we'll make it.
- Shut up.
ILLYA: You think they're looking
for the same thing we're looking for?
I think it's altogether possible.
We can't let them do that.
Any suggestions?
That's acid.
Stop, stop! Take blood!
SOLO: Now.
ILLYA: Hmm?
Ow!
You're wanted on line two, Mr. P.
Jerry,
are you responsible for this disaster?
Me? Why me?
- Why not?
- Harry, the phone.
You take it, Harry.
I got a pain high in the chest.
These are not normal
New York gangsters.
That dress you made,
that must have something to do with it.
Look at this.
We don't even have a line
to go into bankruptcy with.
Don't worry, Mr. P.
everything's gonna work out okay.
- I got a hunch.
- You got a hunch.
SIGHN:
Harry, we got a hot number!
Trimble's wants three dozen.
Three dozen? Three dozen what?
We don't even have a rag left.
- Was it the dress in Fashion Weekly?
- Yeah, that's the one.
I knew it!
We made it. We made it!
Beautiful. We got a hot number
that I haven't even seen yet.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Agnes Sue.
The dress in the paper, I--
[WHISPERS]
Yeah, we have that.
I'm sorry, we don't have any more samples.
A little accident.
- We have a sample on that dress.
- Go in the back and-- What?
Yes! The dress is safe.
Ramona had it at home
when all this happened.
Jerry, I'm not a violent man...
...but so help me,
if you're kidding, I'll kill you.
Would I kid you?
That dress is my baby. I designed it.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Agnes Sue.
Bergdorf's!
Bergdorf's?
What do they want?
The hot number.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
At once, sir. Goodbye, sir.
A genius!
- My second cousin's son, a genius.
- We'll put it in nylon.
No, corduroy.
No, better yet, velvet. We'll cut velvet!
Mr. S, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
You see, it's the pattern
that makes that dress.
You're telling a boss what to do?
You're telling a genius.
Go to Ramona and get the hot number,
in a hurry.
We gotta get it in to work
before the competition.
I'm on my way.
The first cutting
has got to be a hundred dozen.
Cheapskate. Ten hundred!
[SIGHN WAILS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
ILLYA: I don't think we're going to learn
any more from that photograph.
Well, Mr. Solo seems to be enjoying
himself with it.
I'm just concentrating on my work.
There's some lettering on the hem.
B-U-U-D-E-R.
That's being looked into, Mr. Solo.
Apparently.
It's the only thing we have left to go on.
SOLO:
Oh, I don't know.
That back. I'm sure that was the model
at Agnes Sue's.
She's a blond.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
I don't know about her hair,
but I'd recognize that back.
WAVERLY:
Yes? It's for you, Mr. Solo.
Solo here.
Mm-hm. Put him on.
Mr. Sighn?
Oh, I'll be right over.
I was right.
The dress is at Agnes Sue's.
- You mean they had it?
WAVERLY: Thank you.
ILLYA: Every single dress
at Agnes Sue's was destroyed.
Uh-uh, they say it wasn't in the shop
at the time.
I think IIIya and I
ought to go over there, sir.
Just a moment. Just a moment.
You can go there, Mr. Solo.
Mr. Kuryakin
will have another assignment.
That, uh, lettering on the dress...
...apparently it's the signature
01a man named Charles A. Buuder.
Cotton knits and novelty fabrics.
I want you to check him out,
Mr. Kuryakin.
Yes, sir.
Shall I go as our Japanese buyer
from the Goldwood chain?
I think, uh, Mr. Kuryakin ought to go
as a fashion designer this time.
You could supply him with references,
a few samples.
Yes, I think Mr. Solo's suggestion
is admirable.
You think you can do a convincing job
as a fashion designer, Mr. Kuryakin?
I'm sure I can, sir.
Ahem.
I'm sorry I'm going to miss that one.
We're gonna miss everything if you
don't hurry to Agnes Sue's, Mr. Solo.
SOLO:
Yes, sir.
Two dozen, that's all?
Oh, of course we can handle it.
Uh, but you'll have to wait your tum.
Bye-bye.
SOLO:
Remember me?
I never forget a face.
You came in here with your wife last month.
You have a retail store in Queens.
You called and said you had that print.
You're gonna be a successful young man.
You've got a winner.
Mm-hm. May I...? Can I see the dress?
The dress is good. Trust me.
I'd like to see that sample though.
Please, I'm not pushing this dress.
Like a rocket, psh!
You don't have that sample?
Well, not here, but, uh, not right now.
But, uh, can you come back tomorrow?
Well, tomorrow may be too late.
Well, then, sit down and wait.
You young people, always in a hurry.
Boy, do we have a hot number.
I can't go running off to Europe
every five minutes.
I'll have to miss the unveiling.
To tell you the truth, Bruce, I'm broke.
It doesn't matter
if you pay your own way.
I get my check on the 20th.
Okay, I'll talk to you then. Bye-bye.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Hi, Jimmy. Just a second.
There's somebody at the door.
- Hi, Ramona.
- Come on in.
You know, that dress, uh--
Just a second,
I got somebody on the phone.
Jimmy, sweetheart?
Oh, it's just Gary from the shop.
You did? Oh, that's fantastic!
All right, we'll set a new altitude record.
I'll wear my pressure suit.
No cracks.
Okay, bye-bye.
Make yourself a drink.
This isn't exactly a social call, heh.
Well, then let's get straight to business.
Well, it's not all that business either.
Well, then what about half and half?
I really came for the dress.
Well, I'm coming in in a little while.
Why don't I bring it with me then?
JERRY:
I could take it back.
We have to get it in to work right away.
You know, the competition and everything.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I don't exactly have it here.
- You don't?
- I left it some place.
Do you think you could find it?
Oh, I'm getting dressed now,
and I'll bring it in with me when I come.
Sure. Why not?
Long as we get it back, you know.
You're sweet, Gary.
She called me Gary.
It's Jerry!
Yes, Hardy?
Well, send him right in.
And come in yourself.
ILLYA: Mr. Buuder?
- I'm Mr. Buuder.
ILLYA:
Uh, my name is Kuryakin.
I'm a freelance dress designer.
Some of my friends tell me
that you have some prints that won't quit.
BUUDER:
You're a good designer, Kuryakin?
Yes, I'm an excellent designer, thank you.
I have excellent references.
- Of course, I'm not interested--
BUUDER: You're not a designer.
You were at Agnes Sue's.
[HARDY GRUNTS THEN ILLYA CRIES]
U.N.C.L.E. That means
they're still looking for the dress.
HARDY: It wasn't destroyed?
- No.
I think we better get back
to Agnes Sue's.
HARDY:
Right.
PARKAGINIAN:
Don't worry, you'll get it.
- Uh, Agnes Sue.
PARKAGINIAN: What is it?
Fourteen seventy-five. Cash on the line.
SIGHN: Who needs cash anymore?
Put it on the bill.
DELIVERY MAN:
Well, they told me not to.
Harry, you got some change?
SIGHN:
No, all I got is a $5 bill.
Mr. Buyer, uh...
SOLO:
Mm.
SIGHN:
Thank you.
Harry, what made you order
a new finishing iron?
SIGHN:
I was just gonna ask the same question.
Jerry, he must have bought it.
PARKAGINIAN: The genius comes back.
SIGHN: Did you get the dress?
Sure, he got the dress.
You didn't get the dress?
Don't worry, it'll be here.
Ramona's gonna bring it back with her.
Who's Ramona?
Our model. Who else?
Where did she live?
Please, you're a nice gentleman,
but we don't give out our models.
You want addresses? Try Liggett's
Swimwear on the third floor.
It's a long story, Jerry.
but Ramona may be in danger.
- Danger?
SOLO: Where does she live, Jerry?
626 Elm, but--
Ramona in danger?
Who'd wanna hurt her?
SIGHN: Harry, don't tell me
I'm seeing what I'm seeing.
PARKAGINIAN:
Oh, not again, gentlemen.
Where is it?
Hardy.
Please, I got a weak stomach.
[JERRY GRUNTS]
JERRY:
And I got a weak jaw.
Plug it in.
Mr. Parkaginian,
how long does it take this iron to get hot?
You had to buy a new finishing iron?
We needed it, Mr. P.
The old one wouldn't heat up.
I'd love to, Angela. All right.
Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Are you Angela's friend?
Uh, well, show me Angela,
and I'll tell you.
No, I mean.
did Angela send you over here?
No, I came on my own.
Well, who are you?
I don't let strangers in my apartment.
You don't remember me, huh?
Did I meet you
at Gee Gee's last summer?
- No, I'm a friend of Jerry's.
- I don't know any Jerrys.
- Well, you have a dress of his.
-01 hers?
No, of his.
He's a cutter, he made a dress for you.
Oh, the cutter for Agnes Sue, yeah.
Right, right.
Now, I have to have that dress back.
- Gee, I don't have it.
- I wish you'd try and find it.
- It's very important.
- Well, why didn't he come himself?
Who? Oh, Jerry.
Well, uh, he's, uh, busy cutting.
[CLICKING TONGUE]
I can't find the dress.
- Where is it?
- How should I know?
[SOLO SCOFFS]
I don't know.
That was a foolish question, wasn't it?
Have you changed your mind
about telling us where the dress is?
PARKAGINIAN:
I don't feel good.
- Gas?
- No, I got a terrible headache.
Ah, would you mind getting Mr. P's pills?
They're right over there in that desk.
Apparently, you think I'm joking.
[IRON SIZZLING]
JERRY:
No, please! I'll talk, I'll talk.
I can't stand it, I'll tell you.
Our model has it. Her name is Ramona.
Jerry, don't you dare!
SIGHN:
Don't believe him, he's lying.
I'm not. I'm not!
- Shut up, Jerry!
- I'm telling the truth.
HARDY: Where do we find her?
- She'd be home now.
HARDY:
Where's home?
Look in the" Look in this card file
under R101 Ramona.
[JERRY GROANING]
The little punk's telling the truth.
Let's go.
SIGHN: Harry.
- I know, I know.
The genius is also a fink.
ILLYA [MUFFLED]:
How long are you gonna keep me in here?
Ouch!
Ouch!
[GRUNTING]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
SOLO:
Are you sure the dress is here?
RAMONA:
No.
Could it be somewhere else?
RAMONA:
I probably left it some place.
You said you were at a party with a lot
of, uh, celebrities and photographers.
I remember. I left it in a little town
called Zapata on the island of Andros.
SOLO: Andros, in the Bahamas?
- I can tell you the exact spot.
There's a hotel near the air terminal...
...and it's owned by a big sugar man
named Bellpon.
- It's at a hotel?
- Well, it was strictly chaperoned.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Excuse me.
My communicator is buzzing. Solo here.
- I've checked out Buuder.
- Is he involved?
Well, if he isn't, he's awfully hostile
towards freelance designers.
Where is he now?
ILLYA [OVER RADIO]:
I've fast him for the moment-
We'll pick him up later.
Our primary objective now
is to secure the dress.
Where are you?
At Ramona's, uh, apartment.
Are you making any headway?
I don't know, I think so.
Uh, I think I located the dress.
It's in Zapata at a hotel
owned by man named Bellpon.
Wait a minute. It's in Bellpon.
- At a hotel owned by a man, Zapata.
- Owned by a man named Zapata.
SOLO:
Right. Did you get that?
- Yes.
SOLO: Check it out, all right?
- Well, it may take me a while.
SOLO: It can't be helped?
Wait. I couldn't have worn it there, because
I wore it in Puerto Rico at the casino.
- Which casino?
- You know the one with the pretty fountain?
Piratino. Is that where you left it?
Yeah, we went swimming, I rented a suit,
and then I changed in the cabana.
- Is she sure?
- Sure, I'm sure.
- What do you think, IIIya?
- I think I'm gonna rent myself a cabana.
SOLO:
Remember, you burn easily.
Well, I'm off again.
[SOLO CLEARS THROAT]
SOLO: I was hoping I could persuade you
to, uh, stay a while.
How long a while?
Until my friend returns
with whatever he's found.
Don't you trust me?
Maybe I just wanna
be alone with you a while.
Well, I have Sunday afternoon open.
Operator, I want to place a call
to Puerto Rico, please.
I want to talk to the Hotel Piratino
in San Juan.
Deposit $6.50 for three minutes, please.
Uh, I'm afraid
I don't have that much change.
I do have a credit card though.
OPERATOR: What is the number
of your credit card, please?
Uh, 38422.
Is that 3842V, as in “victory“?
No, that's 38422, as in “zebra.“
We do not use “zebra," we use “zero.“
Operator, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Will you speak to anyone?
Uh, yes.
You can speak to someone in particular
if you like.
The charge is almost the same,
you know.
Operator, will you please make the call?
Jerry, you did a terrible thing.
Sure, Harry could've taken it.
We got all kinds of cowards in this family,
but no finks.
I didn't give him her address.
Jerry, please, with my own ears, I heard.
Mr. Broadcasting-Company.
Look at that card.
She hasn't lived there in six months.
What are you saying?
Don't you remember?
Her address is 626 Elm.
That's the address I gave the buyer.
How do you know where she lives?
You follow her home?
It's right on the way.
Besides, I don't like to see her
in the street by herself.
Big hero.
We better hurry. As long as she's got
that dress on, she's in danger.
- You go ahead, we'll be right behind you.
JERRY: All right.
You and I have to go down
to Sal's Sporting Goods store.
There's something we have to pick up.
- We do?
- You bet your life we do.
This is the Hotel Piratino
I'm speaking to?
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH OVER PHONE]
MAN:
Once again, we do not have cabanas.
Well, whatever it is that people change
into their bathing suits.
MAN: Bathing suits?
Seiiar, we are 14 miles from the beach.
You're"?
Needless to say,
you don't have a swimming pool.
MAN: That is right, seiiar,
but we have a steam mum.
No, that won't do.
Never mind, thank you.
Thank you!
Operator.
- Yes?
I want to place a call to a hotel
owned by a man named Zapata in Bellpon.
That's in Andros in the Bahamas.
Deposit $6"
- I have a credit card.
OPERATOR: Oh!
Number 38422, as in “zero," right?
- Right.
- I remembered.
I'm so glad.
OPERATOR:
Now, that is a hotel...
...owned by a man named Andros
in Zapata.
Is that correct, sir?
It's a hotel owned by a man
named Bellpon in Andros.
Or is it, um...?
Oh, never mind. Let's try it your way.
- It's amazing.
- What's amazing?
SOLO: You could be the reincarnation
of an Egyptian princess.
You look like all of the carvings
on the temples along the Nile.
- Have you ever been in Egypt?
RAMONA: No, have you?
No, I just thought it was a way
of getting a little something going.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
SOLO:
Ahem. Excuse me.
Mm, you made excellent time.
Yeah, well, I made all the lights.
SOLO:
“Na. Ramona. Ramona. “Na.
- Did you find the dress?
- No.
I hope Mr. Waverly approves
of all these long-distance calls.
SOLO: The dress wasn't in the cabana?
- The Piratino doesn't have cabanas.
Oh. Now, are you sure
you left it in Bellpon?
No, I checked.
- I could've sworn.
- Ramona, think.
RAMONA: All right, let's see.
I left Bellport, I went to Puerto Rico.
Then I went to Palm Beach.
Then I went--
I left Marcus in Palm Beach.
ILLYA: Marcus?
- That's my dog.
- He was only to stay there for the weekend.
SOLO: Ramona, what about the dress?
I'm trying. I'm trying--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Van Dyke, $3.10.
You guys got any money?
- Smallest I have is a 5.
- That'll do.
You look like a nice man.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
- That's it.
- Sure looks like it.
I'm positive. Look, “A2+2AB-BE.“
All right. All right.
RAMONA: Now I remember.
It was in Fort Lauderdale.
Vince spilled Cherries Jubilee on me.
Well, sorry for any inconvenience
we caused you.
We got what we came for,
so, uh, we really have to get right back.
So soon? I wanted to get to know
your friend better.
No, we really have to get right back.
What are you two, some kind of a team?
[BOTH]
Bye.
Well, come back Sunday,
and bring your friend.
Well, ahem, there go our Sundays.
All right, you dress pirates,
hand over Jerry's hot number.
I think I'm gonna faint.
Ramona!
Are you all right?
PARKAGINIAN:
Never mind about Ramona right now.
She's a healthy girl.
Take the dress from this dress stealer.
From behind. From behind!
Here, take this gun.
Keep it pointed at these two.
Harry and I'll go back
and put the dress into work.
- Now, wait. Listen, that dress--
- Don't you move.
- That dress is important. More importa--
- He's telling us.
If it wasn't important,
would you try to steal it?
And those other bandits. Let's go, Harry.
Wait, if you're going to take the dress,
uh, put it in a safe place...
...under lock and key,
until we have a little talk.
Talk? What's to talk?
Well, if you give us an exclusive
on the dress, uh, money's no object.
Enough of that.
We don't deal with bandits.
Why should we deal with bandits...
...when we got orders
from the biggest stars in the city?
- Get back.
- Wait.
The truth.
We're from U.N.C.L.E.
We don't care who you're relatives are.
Come on, Harry.
If they give you any trouble,
shoot first, then call the police.
Okay, Mr. P.
You may be able to pass as a buyer,
Napoleon...
But...?
But a salesman, you're not.
That's right.
We're gonna start production right away.
SIGHN: You wanna increase the order?
That's my pleasure.
PARKAGINIAN:
An exclusive, I can't give you.
We already gave exclusives
to 14 different stores.
SIGHN:
Three dozen, got it.
As soon as possible.
That's as film as I can be.
Consider this a handshake
over the telephone.
Right, and give my love to the missus.
Harry, such a hot number
I never seen!
PARKAGINIAN:
Harry, I'm holding in my hand Fort Knox!
You wanna know something, Harry?
That Jerry is a genius!
That's it. Get it!
PARKAGINIAN:
Let's not make a fuss. We can talk.
- We're not fighters.
- Let's make a deal.
Fifty-fifty, an even split.
We'll put it in writing.
PARKAGINIAN:
We can use two more partners.
- In the sales end.
- We need men like you, aggressive.
SIGHN:
Harry and I, we're the creative types.
In two weeks, we'll have
a hundred thousand units on the street.
SIGHN:
Come on, Harry!
BUUDER:
Get it open!
[MEN GRUNT]
Where is it?
We don't have it.
It's hidden in a safe place.
If we can talk, maybe we can reach
some kind of an agreement.
Agreement?
I'll show you what kind of an agreement
we're gonna make.
Mm-mm. Did you ever smell
one of those things?
[CAPSULE CRACKS]
Ugh!
No wonder it wakes people up.
How is she?
She'll be coming around any second.
All because of me.
No, it's not your fault.
Yes, it is. I wanted to be a big here
and save the company and everything.
- Well, you did that.
- Yeah, but look at all the trouble I caused.
Should've done
like my Uncle Harry told me.
He said, "Jerry, don't make trouble.“
Tomorrow, I'm gonna get a haircut.
Well, isn't that the style
for young people?
IIike it.
I should've listened to my mother.
She wanted me to be in half sizes.
That's where all the volume is.
I wasn't trying
to be the biggest designer in the world.
All I wanted was somebody to call me
by my right name for a change.
It takes some people along time to
recognize what is really important to them.
Yeah, but how's one person gonna know
what another person's like...
...unless they sit down and talk to them?
Ever since I cut the legs 0” those capris,
everything's been going downhill for me.
Jerry, how did you get involved
with the print in the first place?
Oh, I met this guy in the Village.
He had the pattern, and I had the goods.
Then we gave it to Ramona to wear
to get the publicity.
Is your friend in the Village
named Jay France?
Yeah, that's it. He designed the print.
- Uh, not exactly.
- He didn't design it?
No, he was very closely supervised
by an associate named Buuder.
Buuder? So that's it.
It was his print.
No wonder he was so mad.
You know Buuder?
JERRY: Yeah, he came in Agnes Sue
with some other guy.
I don't know the other guy's name.
- Where are they now?
- I sent them on a wild-goose chase.
Jerry, those men are dangerous.
They probably went right back
to Agnes Sue's.
Where am I?
You fainted, Ramona.
You're right here in your own apartment.
SOLO:
We've got to get back to Agnes Sue's.
Your bosses are in danger.
- I fainted?
- Uh, miss...
...I suggest you throw a little cold water
on your face, make you feel better.
Then we'll all go to Agnes Sue's.
No, sir, boy. Nobody's going any place.
For once, I'm gonna do exactly
what my Uncle Harry told me to do.
- Hany, like shish kebab we're going.
- Hany, please.
This must be hard on you, huh, Harry?
Even at the beach,
you stay under the umbrella.
You're not afraid, Harry?
Mm, let me put it this way.
Joan of Arc I'm not.
They're burning us at a stake
like hobgoblins!
Jerry, this isn't a trick.
Call them on the phone, check it out.
I don't believe a word
you two are saying.
I never even heard of U.N.C.L.E.
You want to see
those two men alive again?
SOLO:
You know the kind of man Buuder is.
Doesn't matter.
You two are up to something. I know it.
All right, Illya, I guess it's time
to tell Jerry the real truth.
ILLYA:
It's all yours, Napoleon.
Jerry, do you know
what IIIya's real name is?
- Mm-mm.
SOLO: Bluestone.
IIIya Bluestone.
Bluestone Factory?
Upstate Pennsylvania?
Eighteen hundred machines, Jerry.
[WHISTLES]
[GUNFIRE]
[GRUNTING]
SOLO:
These amateurs can be dangerous.
You guys are gonna break my lease!
SOLO:
Jerry, listen to me.
We want your bosses
to duplicate the dresses...
...and we wanna keep them alive.
I haven't got time to explain now, because
we have to get over to Agnes Sue's.
ILLYA:
You understand, Jerry?
I'm with you, Mr. Bluestone.
[SIGHN AND PARKAGINIAN GRUNTING]
BUUDER:
That ought to do it.
You don't wanna know
where the dress is?
In five minutes, the place'll go up in smoke,
the dress with it.
But you don't know for sure.
Maybe we put it out the window.
Or in a fire-proof safe.
PARKAGINIAN:
It's still not too late to make a deal.
You let us go,
we'll tell you where the dress is.
Believe me, my partner's handshake
is good anywhere in the market.
Tell me where the dress is first,
then we'll talk.
I have a choice? Okay, it's a deal.
The dress is in the tube
underneath the other table.
More I couldn't do for my own brother.
All right, so if you'll untie us,
we'll be on our way.
Don't worry, you're on your way.
We had a firm deal!
No. No, that's not nice.
[GRUNTING AND YELLING]
PARKAGINIAN:
Sonny, hi.
JERRY: I'm okay.
SIGHN: Quick, where's the dress?
- Get it out of the way.
SIGHN: The hot number!
PARKAGINIAN:
Get it out of the way!
JERRY:
Ow!
RAMONA:
Oh, Mary...
It's Jerry!
Where did you learn that?
The University of Georgia.
You went to the University of Georgia?
The University of Georgia in the Ukraine.
Well, it appears Thrush is stymied after all,
once again, gentlemen.
We sent samples of the coded dress
to U.N.C.L.E. offices all over the world.
SIGHN:
Did they liked the samples?
Well, as a matter of fact, Mr. Sighn,
we've just received reports...
...from our headquarters
in Copenhagen and New Delhi.
They're being besieged by buyers.
Beautiful! Beautiful!
You know, we should change the name
to Agnes Sue International.
Mr. Waverly, you'd have a great future
in the dress business.
And we can use a good outside man.
I appreciate that, Mr. Sighn, Mr. P...
...but, uh, I think I've found my niche.
JERRY: Hi, Ramona.
- Hello.
I think Jerry's going
to be very successful.
- We're still friends, aren't we?
SOLO: Of course.
Incidentally, you're not going to give
Jerry's cover away, are you?
Jerry's cover?
He's one of our best agents.
- But up in my apartment--
- Convincing, wasn't he?
He sure fooled me.
That's why he's so valuable.
Jerry.
Hi, Ramona.
Gee, you look beautiful.
Jerry, you know, I've been thinking.
We've been working together
for such along time...
...and we hardly even know each other.
Don't you think it's time
we get better acquainted?
[ENGLISH SDH]