The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 24 - The Matterhorn Affair - full transcript
UNCLE and Thrush are seeking a missing piece of microfilm.
[CHATTERING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]
Would you mind focusing
on the business at hand?
This is where we make the pickup.
It's obvious that
her name is not Fred Score.
Might be his contact.
Gentlemen, the stakes are high
in this house of greed.
All life is a gamble.
And greed is the mother of disaster.
- And Quasimodo?
- The father of disaster.
Then you are the man
Fred Score is to meet.
- Where?
- Follow me.
Just one.
[ILLYA SIGHS]
As usual.
- Fred Score?
- Yeah.
[SIGHS]
You have the package?
You got the money?
You first.
[GROANS]
[SOLO GRUNTING]
[MEN GRUNTING]
[SOLO GROANS]
[MAN GROANS]
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[SOLO SIGHS]
[SCORE GROANS]
Other half, Marvin.
Marvin Klump.
[SIGHS]
Hump .
- Marvin Klump?
- Yes, sir.
- Nothing else? Just Marvin Klump?
- That's all, sir.
Bring me whatever you have in the files
on Marvin Klump, please.
I'm sorry we failed, sir.
Well, fortunes of war.
I know you did your best, gentlemen.
But losing that package could lead
to an ultimate world disaster.
May I ask what was in it, sir?
A 16-millimeter film clip of the plans
01a highly classified project.
Codename: Quasimodo.
Sorry. I'm not at liberty
to be more specific.
Well, that's all right, sir, uh...
It's a plan to develop
a miniature atomic reactor.
And how did you come
by that information, Mr. Kuryakin?
Quasimodo is one of the most
closely-guarded secrets in the world.
Well, somebody from Intelligence
mentioned it in the elevator...
...on the way up this morning.
I see.
And you, Mr. Solo.
Are you as familiar with Quasimodo
as Mr. Kuryakin?
No, I'm not.
I took the stairs this morning.
WAVERLY:
Yes.
Well, Quasimodo
is as Mr. Kuryakin described it.
A miniature atomic reactor.
Anyone who possesses that film...
...could develop atomic weapons
within a year.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
That man in Singapore with the package.
I just remembered
I've seen him somewhere before.
- You have?
- Beirut.
He's one of Backstreet's men.
Rodney Backstreet's men, isn't he?
Yes, he is indeed.
Well, isn't atomic reactors
a little out of Backstreet's line?
Doesn't he lean more
towards art treasures and jewelry and...?
He leans anywhere
where the returns are high, Mr. Kuryakin.
With Thrush and certain Middle-Eastern
countries competing for the film...
...the returns for him could be enormous.
SOLO:
Hm.
Apparently, Fred Score is working
the back alleys for Backstreet.
WAVERLY:
He not only worked for him...
...he, in fact, stole the Quasimodo film.
Then he get ideas of his own...
...and, uh, contacted us.
Uh, thank you, miss.
Would you care to rejoin us, Mr. Solo?
Yes.
The file on Marvin Klump?
But, unfortunately.
there's nothing in it but his address.
I congratulate you, gentlemen.
I could use some sunny
Southern-California weather.
Strange coincidence.
Both Klump and Backstreet live out there.
Ah.
[CHUCKLING]
I did as you said, Mr. Backstreet.
Heh, heh.
I went to Singapore, I got the package,
but I did not open it up.
You see, I did exactly as you said,
Mr. Backstreet.
I tracked Score down like a cat,
you know?
Then I got the film in Singapore.
Heh, heh.
Beirut?
Where's the other half?
The other half?
As you can see,
this is a 16-millimeter film...
...cut down the middle exactly in half.
What I have in my hand is worthless
without the other half.
- Is that clear?
- Yes. Oh, yes.
It's very clear.
Where is the other half?
Wait" Is it not in there?
No, it is not here.
Which is why I'm asking you.
- I repeat, where is the other half?
- I don't know.
I swear, I don't know.
I did exactly as you said.
I did not open the package.
- You see, I went to Singapore--
- Now, must you be so tedious?
I just want you to realize that this half
is worthless without the other half...
...and I don't find any, and--
What is that?
Just a bit of paper.
Let me see.
Well...
It seems that Mr. Score
has provided us with a clue...
...to the destination
of the other half of the film.
- What is that?
- This, uh, piece of paper...
...is a receipt for registered letters
under Mr. Marvin Klump.
- KIump?
- Interesting.
The address indicates
he's almost a neighbor.
[LAUGHING]
Aha.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Y-- Yes?
- Hi, is this the Klump residence?
- Uh, what is it?
- KIump. Is this the Klump residence?
Oh, if you're selling encyclopedias,
forget it.
We have three sets already.
No, we're not selling encyclopedias.
We're from U.N.C.L.E.
[WHISPERS]
Oh, my.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Please. Please come in. Ha.
[GUNSHOTS AND YELLING ON TV]
Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Well, this is really, really, really something.
I mean, nifty.
You know, Marvin and I, well, uh...
Well, we go to all your basketball games.
Did you say basketball?
Sure. And-- And Marvin
would have played for your team...
...if he were just a little tiny bit taller.
We don't have a team.
You must mean UCLA. The Bruins.
- Didn't you say UCLA?
- No, we said U.N.C.L.E.
The United Network Command
for Law Enforcement.
Ah.
- We'd like to see Mr. Klump.
- Marvin?
Oh. Oh, what has he done now?
We'd just like-- Thank you--
Uh, to talk to him.
Oh. Oh, well, then you can tell me.
I'm his sister.
Would you mind if we saw him first?
That had?
All right, you can see him right now.
[GUNSHOTS AND YELLING ON TV]
- Where is he?
- Shh!
- Television?
- Yes. He'll be on just" Just in a minute.
Folks, we'" be back to our big movie
in inst a moment.
- That's your brother?
- No, that's Mr. Quartz.
First, I wanna show you
some of the fantastic weekend specials...
...we have right here
at the Quartz Car Company:
Where the stars buy their cars.
Yes. sir. You recognize this little beauty?
- A real classic.
- That's Marvin.
QUARTZ:
But folks, ask no more.
We have it right here
at the Quartz Car Company.
And this little wonder
really should be going at--
Marvin. Uh, uh, folks--
Oh, no, he's done it again.
- How far is the lot?
- Well, it's-- It's just a few minutes away.
Two blocks west of here.
Uh, take a look at the row on rows of"
Of fantastic bargains we have
waiting for you right here.
Look at that short man, IIIya.
ILLYA: What about him?
- That's Beirut.
He's after Marvin too.
Hey-- Hey, wait for me.
Hey, wait a minute.
Now, wait a second. Wait for me, please.
Why, the weekly payments are only--
Marvin. Uh--
Folks, no matter what you read,
you get down here within the next hour...
...and you can climb into this little beauty
for only a song.
And now, back to our giant movie.
[QUARTZ GROANS]
Marvin, you didn't get
one sign right that time. Not even one.
- I know, Mr. Quartz.
- What am I gonna do with you?
I don't know, Mr. Quartz. I-- I really don't.
We didn't have to go to the cemetery
for the unveiling.
Straighten up your cards.
- Yes, sir.
How can I help you, gentlemen?
You are Marvin Klump?
- No, but I--
- Then you cannot help me.
Where is Klump? I got business with him.
He's right here, folks. Uh, Marvin Klump.
Uh, Marvin, take care
of your special customers.
Private business.
Don't forget that we have
to be at the cemetery in 20 minutes.
I won't-- I won't forget, Mr. Quartz.
May I help you, gentlemen?
Where is it, Klump?
Where is what, sir?
Wait.
Before you give me a word,
let me inform you.
If you do not answer correctly...
...I will have to cut you up
with this knife in my pocket.
Wha--? What"? My--
What's that all about?
Quasimodo.
Quasimodo.
Oh, that must be one of those
new Japanese jobs.
Is that a six or an eight?
Perhaps they did not tell you...
...I have already killed
for Quasimodo in Singapore.
Well, for goodness' sake,
you must really be some Quasimodo fan.
You know, I don't really remember
a Quasimodo, but--
- You better remember quick!
- Now--
Now, just a minute.
Just because you're a Quasimodo fan...
...doesn't mean that you can push
a person around.
Marvin! No!
Marvin!
- What is that?
- That's my sister, Heather.
HEATHER:
Oh, Marvin! Oh, no.
- Marvin, Marvin, are you all right?
- Mr. Klump, I'd like to ask you a question.
Oh, Marvin, fix your tie, darling.
Does the name Quasimodo
mean anything to you?
- Well, you know, sir--
- What's going on here? Who are those two?
Well, there are a lot of people here
trying to buy Quasimodos.
Maybe we should try to get
a Quasimodo franchise.
We got no time
for these foreign car nuts.
Come on, we're late for the cemetery.
Come on, Marvin.
Here, darling boy, get in.
- Wait. What cemetery?
- The River Placid.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Klump must be Score's partner.
He must have the other half
of the Quasimodo film.
Why else would those U.N.C.L.E. men
be here? Follow them.
[ENGINE BACKFIRING]
HEATHER:
Oh, how lovely.
A stone-carved basketball.
Oh, it's beautiful. It's just beautiful.
Sam would've-- Would've loved that.
After all these years.
Such a great remembrance to my son.
Boy, the team never lost
when Sam was jumping center.
So read the card already.
“In memoriam to a real champ,
Sam Quartz.
From a friend
who wishes to remain unknown.“
- That's all?
- That's all, sir.
- Well, I wonder who could have sent it.
QUARTZ: It was you, wasn't it?
Oh, no, sir.
I-- I sure would've liked to...
...but I could never afford
something like that on my salary.
Well, I appreciate
your fine sentiment, Marvin...
...but in regard to your salary,
business is business.
- Yes, sir.
- I think we better get back to the car lot.
Marvin, would you go get the car, deal.
and pick Mr. Quartz up right here?
- Yes.
HEATHER: Thank you, dear.
Excuse me, uh.
I don't mean to interrupt you.
- Where did Marvin go?
- Oh, he went to get the car. Why?
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
Heather! Help! Help--
Help! Help--
What is this?
I never saw anybody so anxious
to grab off a Japanese car...
...nobody ever heard of.
Marvin!
This is Marvin Klump.
Ah, yes.
Where are your manners?
Mr. Klump is a guest.
Guests do not attempt
to escape their hosts.
Unbind him.
I must ask you to forgive
Beirut's lack of perception.
He didn't know
with whom he was dealing.
Ow. That hurt.
My apologies
for my associate's ineptitude.
I don't know what this is about, but I'll tell
you one thing, it's some kind of mistake.
You are Marvin Klump, are you not?
Of course I'm Marvin Klump.
Well, sir, then there's no mistake.
Now, wait a minute.
Is this some kind of a joke?
I mean, are you fraternity guys
or something?
No.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You are very good.
Very good indeed at this little game.
So it is a joke. Phew!
I admire you, sir.
There are so few professionals these days,
it is a pleasure to meet one.
- Thank you.
- Beirut? A chair for Mr. Klump.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Now...
Shall we get down to business?
Business?
You don't mean
you had those guys grab me...
...just because you wanna buy a car.
A car?
I'm talking about Quasimodo, sir.
- We don't handle the Japanese makes.
- No.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I suggested to Mr. Quartz
that we get the franchise but--
Most amusing, sir. Magnificent.
Now, shall we drop
this incredible masquerade?
You have me in check, sir.
You know the Quasimodo plans
are worthless...
...without the half in your possession.
And I'm prepared to offer 25,000
in exchange for it.
Twenty-five thousand dollars?
Come, come. You know that would
have been your friend's percentage.
Now it is yours alone.
Score is dead.
Score is--?
Not Freddie Score?
You don't mean Freddie Score?
For goodness sake. I went to school
with Freddie Score back in Waukegan.
Oh, Freddie Score passed away?
He was my age.
[SIGHS]
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
Yes?
You should enjoy yourself
while you're young.
Now, that's enough. Where is it?
Where is what?
I-- I don't know what you're talking about.
Very well.
[BUZZES]
Beirut, perhaps you can find ways...
...to increase Mr. Klump's
powers of comprehension.
You know, you do not care.
You just do not care
what happens to Marvin.
- Miss Klump, really, we do care.
- You're just saying that.
Miss Klump, Mr. Kuryakin's
gone to see about Marvin.
Now, if you knew him, you'd know
that everything is going to be all right.
Open Channel D.
[RADIO BEEPING]
[MUFFLED CRYING]
Solo here.
- How are you doing? Find anything?
- Well, I'm not getting much cooperation.
What about you?
Well, I'm outside the Backstreet estate.
Correction, fortress.
Bad as that?
High walls, armed guards.
- You really want me to try to get in?
- No sense risking your life yet.
Wait until ! finish searching here.
- Now, you heard that.
- Mm-hm.
Your brother's probably in that house.
If he doesn't produce that film
he may be tortured, even killed.
[CRYING]
You could increase his life expectancy
remarkably if you just cooperate.
- I don't know what to do!
- Well, help me find the film.
What film?
The plans for an atomic reactor
with power enough to blow up the world.
It has the code name Quasimodo.
Quasimodo.
Marvin thought that that was
the kind of car they wanted.
Marvin.
Marvin.
Oh, he is in danger of his life.
- You! It is all your fault!
- Get a hold of yourself!
- Hold on, hold on, relax.
- Let me go!
- Relax. Hey--
- No.
Hold on. Hold on. Relax.
- Oh. Oh.
- Okay.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm-- I'm just hysterical.
- I'm so worried over Marvin.
- All right. I see.
Don't you ever worry about yourself?
Hm?
[SIGHS]
How can I help you?
[SIGHS]
You could help me
by looking for a piece...
...of 16-millimeter film strip, Miss Klump.
You know.
Heather's not gonna like this at all.
What"? What are you doing?
We are going to hang you upside down.
Oh-- Oh, please, don't hang me
upside down. That's terrible.
Do you know what would happen
if you hang me upside down?
Shut up.
- We have not even started.
- Yeah, but you're going to.
- Where is the film?
- I don't know anything about any film.
Ha-- Have you checked the drugstore?
Fantastic resources, this man.
It's a pity he's not on our side.
Well, there's nothing left to search
but the walls.
[RADIO BEEPING]
HEATHER:
Hm.
[SIGHS]
Search completed, nothing found. Sony.
Nothing?
Not a trace of the film.
We've been through the entire house.
Are you sure
you've searched everywhere?
[SIGHS]
Almost.
Uh, now, wait just a hot minute there,
Charlie, boy.
Napoleon.
- What's going on?
- Oh, don't you dare touch me.
Oh, never mind. I'm going in.
Look, Miss KIump-- Heather.
- I'm not going to touch you.
- No?
I'd just like you to, uh, go through
everything you're wearing.
Everything?
Everything.
[SIGHS]
[WHIMPERING]
Heather. Heather, I--
I don't know anything about that film.
H-- Heather. Heather!
MARVIN:
Heather!
Heather. I--
The film, swine.
Are you familiar with these deadly
night-blooming flowers?
[PANTS]
If the temperature is raised in this room
more than five degrees...
...they will start emitting
an exquisite perfume.
You will experience
a rather pleasant delirium.
I will?
But don't overdo it, Mr. Klump.
Exposure to this perfume
for more than 30 minutes is fatal.
F-Fatal? Look, fellas.
I don't know anything about any film.
[CRYING]
- Heather! Heather. I--
- You give us no choice.
Howard, raise the temperature.
MARVIN:
Heather!
I don't know it. I don't--
I don't know anything about that film.
- Heather!
- Howard will be just outside the door...
...in case that you should
change your mind.
Heather!
I don't-- I don't--
Mm. Mm.
[WHISTLES]
Mm, mm.
Hm.
[HUMMING]
Hm.
The man has nerves of steel.
[MEN GRUNTING]
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLING]
Hm.
Hm.
Hm.
[MARVIN HUMMING]
[MARVIN WHISTLES]
MARVIN:
Oh, oh.
What? What did you--? Hey, you ruined
everything, you know?
I was having a marvelous time up there.
When. I tell you something...
[MARVIN LAUGHING]
Here I am. I'm flying.
I'm flying.
I'm-- I'm Peter Pan. Let me fly.
I'm Peter Pan. I believe in fairies!
[BEEPING]
He is escaping. I hate him!
The man is incredible, I tell you.
Incredible.
[SIGHS]
[MUMBLING]
- Heather? Wendy?
- Marvin.
Marvin.
- Who are"? Who are you?
- I'm IIIya.
I don't fell too good myself.
Listen, Marvin, we have to make a dash
for that wall or we're both dead.
Follow me.
Yes, just" Just follow me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Marvin, Marvin.
Can you get over that wall?
- I can fly over--
- No, no, not yet, Marvin.
You'll never get off the ground
till I draw them off.
Listen, now, you wait
till you see them chase me.
- Yeah.
- And then you go, baby.
- Then I'll go, baby. All right. Okay.
- Away. Wait. Watch me.
- There he is.
- The man has nerves of steel.
- I hate him.
- The man's incredible.
- Jump.
- Why jump when you can fly?
[GRUNTS]
Marvin. Marvin.
Call 0” the guards.
[WHISTLES]
- But he's getting away.
- Never mind.
Get a car.
We'll go the Klump house.
How-- How do they expect anybody to get
any sleep with noisy neighbors like that?
- Marvin, Marvin. You gotta stand up.
- You know, can we go see Heather?
- You wanna see Heather?
- Yes.
- You put your arm on my shoulder. Good.
- Yeah.
You know, a friend indeed
is a friend indeed.
Now, come on.
[CRYING]
Oh, he's dead.
- He's dead. I know that he's dead.
- Come on, don't jump to conclusions.
Oh, after all I have done for Marvin.
I mean, Fred Score, Singapore.
- Quasimodo, spy rings.
- Yeah.
What is a nice boy like Marvin doing
getting mixed up with atomic reactors?
Come on. Now-- Now, stop.
[SOBBING]
Come on.
Oh. You know,
he didn't even tell his sweet sister.
Well, Marvin's a big boy now.
He's not going to tell his sister everything.
Well, he has no right.
No right to have secrets from me.
I sacrificed my entire life for Marvin.
Maybe that was a mistake.
A young woman like you
should have a life of her own.
Oh, I have no time for that.
That's too bad.
I'm sure a lot of men
would find you very attractive.
Oh, thank you.
Well, not that I haven't had my chances.
Why, even Mr. Quartz, he--
Well, anyway, uh.
after Momma and Poppa died...
...well, somebody
had to take care of Marvin.
He's such a helpless person.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
[GASPS]
It's Marvin.
- He's home!
- How do you know it's Marvin?
He-- He always forgets his keys.
Let's just make sure.
Don't be silly!
BEIRUT:
Tie him up.
Forgive the intrusion, my dear.
- Uh, who is he?
- The name is Solo, Mr. Backstreet.
Aha. So you know me.
Well, I must admit that your reputation
has also reached my ears.
You are the one who kidnapped Marvin.
What have you done with him?
Shut up.
[CHUCKLES]
Now, shall we get down to business?
- Where is that film?
- It's not here.
- Howard, search.
- No need to.
- I've checked the house myself.
- He is lying.
Please.
Mr. Sale is a man of honor.
Do I have your solemn word, sir?
Scout's honor.
[DOORKNOB JIGGLING]
There's someone at the door.
MARVIN:
Boy, you're the" You're the best help--
ILLYA:
Oh, sorry, Marvin.
- Hi, Heather.
HEATHER: Marvin, are you all right?
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
Aren't you proud of me?
I remembered my keys this time.
[HICCUPS]
Oh, boy, I don't--
- Oh, Marvin, you're so untidy.
- Oh.
What took you so long?
We had to make several steps on the way.
Marvin isn't feeling too well.
Oh, what's the matter, Marvin?
Is something wrong? Are you all right?
I don't know what's going on.
I don't understand anything.
Don't worry, Miss Klump.
I can assure you
he had a most pleasant experience.
[CHUCKLES]
And now, shall we continue?
What have you done with that film?
Here we go. The film. Do you know
how many times it's that film"?
I don't know anything about film.
I must warn you, Mr. Klump.
My patience is at an end.
Oh, you leave him alone.
He doesn't know anything about anything.
Do you take me for a fool, madam?
Uh, Miss Klump is quite accurate
in her comment.
Mr. Klump is as he appears to be.
Is it possible
I was wrong about this man?
I'm afraid we've all been chasing
a wild goose.
Is it possible
that there's another Marvin Klump?
There's a-- There's a Martha Klump.
BACKSTREET: Who is it?
- Registered letter.
It must be the one that Fred Score mailed.
Marvin Klump?
BACKSTREET: Uh, where do I sign?
- Right here, sir.
Don't-- Don't take my letter.
[BACKSTREET SIGHS]
Just one second, sir.
It's a federal offense
to open another person's mail.
Now, you just let me have that letter--
- Person.
- Oh.
You were absolutely right, Beirut.
It is from Fred Score.
- What does it mean, Mr. Klump?
- What does what mean, Mr. Klump?
“Under shelter stone on Matterhorn.
You are last to remember.“
What does Matterhorn mean?
Well, it's--
Matterhorn is a mountain in Switzerland.
Didn't you ever read Heidi?
Oh, yes, very good, sir.
Beirut, I think we better take
Mr. Klump along...
...and get our bags packed.
I don't wanna go anyplace.
I don't know anything.
The letter says you do.
Howard, you stay here
and keep an eye on our friends.
Goodbye, gentlemen.
Madam.
Well, I'm-- I'm not gonna go.
- See you later, Heather.
- Marvin.
I'll send cards from every place.
Hey, listen, wait.
Marvin can't stand heights!
That's all right, Heather.
Uh, we all have our problems.
Don't we?
We certainly do.
ILLYA: How long are you gonna
keep us tied up like this?
SOLO:
I hate skipping lunch.
And dinner.
How can you two think of food
at a time like this?
Heather, please, speak only
when spoken to, huh?
At least you could untie the young lady.
She could get us some coffee.
HEATHER:
If you think I'm gonna feed this baboon--
Cut it.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
QUARTZ:
Heather.
Heather. You better open up.
- You better answer it.
QUARTZ: Heather.
You don't want him to call the police.
QUARTZ:
Heather, I know you're in.
[WHISPERS]
Go get him.
QUARTZ: Heather!
HOWARD: Who's there?
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
- Hi, there. Is Marvin"?
- Would you lock the door?
Oh. What's going on here?
Heather, what's happening?
Mr. Quartz, untie me.
We've gotta go chase Marvin.
Well, where is he?
Climbing the Matterhorn.
[PANTING]
Oh. Ooh.
Oh, poor Marvin.
He'll never survive this altitude.
There they are.
[BACKSTREET SIGHS]
Well, shall we press on?
I can't do it. I can't go any further.
I'm tired. I wanna go home.
Well, that's very simple.
All you have to do is tell us
where the film is on this mountain.
I don't know.
[GASPS]
You-hon, Maw'm'.!
[VOICE ECHOING]
You-hoe!
- What was that?
- His sister.
Heather, help!
Oh, I hate this man.
I hate him. All this noise. I can't stand it!
[GASPS]
Please, I beg of you, let me kill him.
Please let me kill him.
Please, Mr. Backstreet, please.
Calm yourself, Beirut.
Have patience. Patience.
Now, my dear boy,
I have no desire to inconvenience you.
So just tell me the secret
of the shelter stone...
...and I promise you, I will let you go.
I wish I...
Wait a minute.
Sh-- Shelter stone.
Matterhorn.
The-- The-- The film is under the cross.
Yes. Very good.
Well, my boy, I'm a man of my word.
I promised you I would let you go.
Beirut, let Marvin go.
Cut the rope.
Oh. What? I-- I told you.
What are you doing that for?
Beirut, let him have his rope.
[LAUGHING]
[GASPS]
Oh, they're going to push him over!
Stop them.
[SCREAMING]
Marvin!
He's dead.
Too late, my friends. Too late.
He's dead!
You let them kill him. He's dead!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I think I see something.
[MARVIN SCREAMING]
Marvin!
Marvin!
[MARVIN WHIMPERING]
Heather, help.
I'd really appreciate some help.
Help.
[ILLYA SIGHS]
[ILLYA SIGHS]
HEATHER: Oh. Oh.
MARVIN: Heather.
Oh, oh, Marvin, are you all right?
Are you all right?
SOLO: He'll be all right.
Now, you take care of him.
We have to get after them.
Wait! Wait, no, no!
Come back.
It's-- It's wrong. It's all wrong.
We're on the wrong Matterhorn.
The wrong Matterhorn?
[SIGHS]
Under the shelter stone...
...on Matterhorn. See?
I see the shelter stone,
but where is Matterhorn?
Matterhorn Quartz.
SOLO: Matterhorn Quartz?
MARVIN: Sure.
That-- That was Sam's nickname
when he played basketball.
He was very tall.
Six-foot-three in the fourth grade.
BEIRUT: You will now put up your hands
and stand still.
What a pleasure
to seeing you all together again.
Some pleasure.
Beirut, take the film from the gentleman.
It has been most stimulating, sir.
I only hope that someday
we may work together.
Who knows what we might accomplish.
And now, if you'll permit me,
I have an important matter to attend to.
[BACKSTREET GRUNTS]
[HOWARD GRUNTS]
[SOLO GRUNTS]
[HOWARD GROANS]
[BEIRUT GROANS]
It hurts! Oh, please, I give up!
What about you, Backstreet?
You have me at a disadvantage, sir.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Oh! Oh!
- Heather!
- Oh! Aah!
- Let her go.
- I've never killed a woman.
Don't force my hand.
You just get your hands off my sister.
Oh, Marvin, you stay out of this.
Heather, once in my life,
let me do something by myself.
I warn you, sir.
- Get your hands off my sister.
- One step.
Aah! Aah!
- I surrender.
ILLYA: Well done, Marvin.
The man's incredible. Nerves of steel.
I underestimated him.
[RADIO BEEPING]
ILLYA:
Kuryakin here.
Mr. Kuryakin,
I'm waiting for your final report.
- The secret of Quasimodo is safe.
- Oh, with chopped nuts, please.
- What was that?
- Miss Klump is having chopped nuts...
...with her rainbow sundae.
We're having a sort of victory celebration
at the local ice-cream parlor.
Heather, I'm bigger than used cars.
WAVERLY:
Apparently, that was Mr. Klump.
Please give him my congratulations.
Yes, sir. Uh, Mr. Waverly
sends you his congratulations.
Thanks, chief.
I'll have a double banana split.
Oh, no, no. That's too fattening for you.
MARVIN:
I tell you something else.
This may come as a shock to you. Gonna--
I'm gonna move right out of that house.
And I'm gonna be on my own.
Why, Marvin Klump, my very own brother.
You know what else? You can tell
Mr. Quartz I quit. Quit, quit, quit.
Uh, really. Really.
From now on,
Marvin Klump will blow his own nose.
Apparently everybody
underestimated Mr. Klump.
- What about a hot fudge sundae?
- What's that?
Ice cream and fudge heated.
Just coffee.
Marvin is moving out,
he's leaving home. And he's quitting you.
It's time. Marvin should be living
on his own anyway.
Oh, but who's going to take care of him?
It's about time
somebody took care of you.
HEATHER:
Why-- Why, Mr. Quartz.
You can call me Kenneth.
WAVERLY:
Well, seemingly, everything is under control.
Uh, gentlemen,
when are you planning to return?
As soon as we have
our Quasimodo delight, sir.
Would you like a Quasimodo delight?
Hm?
Coffee. Black.
[ENGLISH SDH]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]
Would you mind focusing
on the business at hand?
This is where we make the pickup.
It's obvious that
her name is not Fred Score.
Might be his contact.
Gentlemen, the stakes are high
in this house of greed.
All life is a gamble.
And greed is the mother of disaster.
- And Quasimodo?
- The father of disaster.
Then you are the man
Fred Score is to meet.
- Where?
- Follow me.
Just one.
[ILLYA SIGHS]
As usual.
- Fred Score?
- Yeah.
[SIGHS]
You have the package?
You got the money?
You first.
[GROANS]
[SOLO GRUNTING]
[MEN GRUNTING]
[SOLO GROANS]
[MAN GROANS]
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[SOLO SIGHS]
[SCORE GROANS]
Other half, Marvin.
Marvin Klump.
[SIGHS]
Hump .
- Marvin Klump?
- Yes, sir.
- Nothing else? Just Marvin Klump?
- That's all, sir.
Bring me whatever you have in the files
on Marvin Klump, please.
I'm sorry we failed, sir.
Well, fortunes of war.
I know you did your best, gentlemen.
But losing that package could lead
to an ultimate world disaster.
May I ask what was in it, sir?
A 16-millimeter film clip of the plans
01a highly classified project.
Codename: Quasimodo.
Sorry. I'm not at liberty
to be more specific.
Well, that's all right, sir, uh...
It's a plan to develop
a miniature atomic reactor.
And how did you come
by that information, Mr. Kuryakin?
Quasimodo is one of the most
closely-guarded secrets in the world.
Well, somebody from Intelligence
mentioned it in the elevator...
...on the way up this morning.
I see.
And you, Mr. Solo.
Are you as familiar with Quasimodo
as Mr. Kuryakin?
No, I'm not.
I took the stairs this morning.
WAVERLY:
Yes.
Well, Quasimodo
is as Mr. Kuryakin described it.
A miniature atomic reactor.
Anyone who possesses that film...
...could develop atomic weapons
within a year.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
That man in Singapore with the package.
I just remembered
I've seen him somewhere before.
- You have?
- Beirut.
He's one of Backstreet's men.
Rodney Backstreet's men, isn't he?
Yes, he is indeed.
Well, isn't atomic reactors
a little out of Backstreet's line?
Doesn't he lean more
towards art treasures and jewelry and...?
He leans anywhere
where the returns are high, Mr. Kuryakin.
With Thrush and certain Middle-Eastern
countries competing for the film...
...the returns for him could be enormous.
SOLO:
Hm.
Apparently, Fred Score is working
the back alleys for Backstreet.
WAVERLY:
He not only worked for him...
...he, in fact, stole the Quasimodo film.
Then he get ideas of his own...
...and, uh, contacted us.
Uh, thank you, miss.
Would you care to rejoin us, Mr. Solo?
Yes.
The file on Marvin Klump?
But, unfortunately.
there's nothing in it but his address.
I congratulate you, gentlemen.
I could use some sunny
Southern-California weather.
Strange coincidence.
Both Klump and Backstreet live out there.
Ah.
[CHUCKLING]
I did as you said, Mr. Backstreet.
Heh, heh.
I went to Singapore, I got the package,
but I did not open it up.
You see, I did exactly as you said,
Mr. Backstreet.
I tracked Score down like a cat,
you know?
Then I got the film in Singapore.
Heh, heh.
Beirut?
Where's the other half?
The other half?
As you can see,
this is a 16-millimeter film...
...cut down the middle exactly in half.
What I have in my hand is worthless
without the other half.
- Is that clear?
- Yes. Oh, yes.
It's very clear.
Where is the other half?
Wait" Is it not in there?
No, it is not here.
Which is why I'm asking you.
- I repeat, where is the other half?
- I don't know.
I swear, I don't know.
I did exactly as you said.
I did not open the package.
- You see, I went to Singapore--
- Now, must you be so tedious?
I just want you to realize that this half
is worthless without the other half...
...and I don't find any, and--
What is that?
Just a bit of paper.
Let me see.
Well...
It seems that Mr. Score
has provided us with a clue...
...to the destination
of the other half of the film.
- What is that?
- This, uh, piece of paper...
...is a receipt for registered letters
under Mr. Marvin Klump.
- KIump?
- Interesting.
The address indicates
he's almost a neighbor.
[LAUGHING]
Aha.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Y-- Yes?
- Hi, is this the Klump residence?
- Uh, what is it?
- KIump. Is this the Klump residence?
Oh, if you're selling encyclopedias,
forget it.
We have three sets already.
No, we're not selling encyclopedias.
We're from U.N.C.L.E.
[WHISPERS]
Oh, my.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Please. Please come in. Ha.
[GUNSHOTS AND YELLING ON TV]
Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Well, this is really, really, really something.
I mean, nifty.
You know, Marvin and I, well, uh...
Well, we go to all your basketball games.
Did you say basketball?
Sure. And-- And Marvin
would have played for your team...
...if he were just a little tiny bit taller.
We don't have a team.
You must mean UCLA. The Bruins.
- Didn't you say UCLA?
- No, we said U.N.C.L.E.
The United Network Command
for Law Enforcement.
Ah.
- We'd like to see Mr. Klump.
- Marvin?
Oh. Oh, what has he done now?
We'd just like-- Thank you--
Uh, to talk to him.
Oh. Oh, well, then you can tell me.
I'm his sister.
Would you mind if we saw him first?
That had?
All right, you can see him right now.
[GUNSHOTS AND YELLING ON TV]
- Where is he?
- Shh!
- Television?
- Yes. He'll be on just" Just in a minute.
Folks, we'" be back to our big movie
in inst a moment.
- That's your brother?
- No, that's Mr. Quartz.
First, I wanna show you
some of the fantastic weekend specials...
...we have right here
at the Quartz Car Company:
Where the stars buy their cars.
Yes. sir. You recognize this little beauty?
- A real classic.
- That's Marvin.
QUARTZ:
But folks, ask no more.
We have it right here
at the Quartz Car Company.
And this little wonder
really should be going at--
Marvin. Uh, uh, folks--
Oh, no, he's done it again.
- How far is the lot?
- Well, it's-- It's just a few minutes away.
Two blocks west of here.
Uh, take a look at the row on rows of"
Of fantastic bargains we have
waiting for you right here.
Look at that short man, IIIya.
ILLYA: What about him?
- That's Beirut.
He's after Marvin too.
Hey-- Hey, wait for me.
Hey, wait a minute.
Now, wait a second. Wait for me, please.
Why, the weekly payments are only--
Marvin. Uh--
Folks, no matter what you read,
you get down here within the next hour...
...and you can climb into this little beauty
for only a song.
And now, back to our giant movie.
[QUARTZ GROANS]
Marvin, you didn't get
one sign right that time. Not even one.
- I know, Mr. Quartz.
- What am I gonna do with you?
I don't know, Mr. Quartz. I-- I really don't.
We didn't have to go to the cemetery
for the unveiling.
Straighten up your cards.
- Yes, sir.
How can I help you, gentlemen?
You are Marvin Klump?
- No, but I--
- Then you cannot help me.
Where is Klump? I got business with him.
He's right here, folks. Uh, Marvin Klump.
Uh, Marvin, take care
of your special customers.
Private business.
Don't forget that we have
to be at the cemetery in 20 minutes.
I won't-- I won't forget, Mr. Quartz.
May I help you, gentlemen?
Where is it, Klump?
Where is what, sir?
Wait.
Before you give me a word,
let me inform you.
If you do not answer correctly...
...I will have to cut you up
with this knife in my pocket.
Wha--? What"? My--
What's that all about?
Quasimodo.
Quasimodo.
Oh, that must be one of those
new Japanese jobs.
Is that a six or an eight?
Perhaps they did not tell you...
...I have already killed
for Quasimodo in Singapore.
Well, for goodness' sake,
you must really be some Quasimodo fan.
You know, I don't really remember
a Quasimodo, but--
- You better remember quick!
- Now--
Now, just a minute.
Just because you're a Quasimodo fan...
...doesn't mean that you can push
a person around.
Marvin! No!
Marvin!
- What is that?
- That's my sister, Heather.
HEATHER:
Oh, Marvin! Oh, no.
- Marvin, Marvin, are you all right?
- Mr. Klump, I'd like to ask you a question.
Oh, Marvin, fix your tie, darling.
Does the name Quasimodo
mean anything to you?
- Well, you know, sir--
- What's going on here? Who are those two?
Well, there are a lot of people here
trying to buy Quasimodos.
Maybe we should try to get
a Quasimodo franchise.
We got no time
for these foreign car nuts.
Come on, we're late for the cemetery.
Come on, Marvin.
Here, darling boy, get in.
- Wait. What cemetery?
- The River Placid.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Klump must be Score's partner.
He must have the other half
of the Quasimodo film.
Why else would those U.N.C.L.E. men
be here? Follow them.
[ENGINE BACKFIRING]
HEATHER:
Oh, how lovely.
A stone-carved basketball.
Oh, it's beautiful. It's just beautiful.
Sam would've-- Would've loved that.
After all these years.
Such a great remembrance to my son.
Boy, the team never lost
when Sam was jumping center.
So read the card already.
“In memoriam to a real champ,
Sam Quartz.
From a friend
who wishes to remain unknown.“
- That's all?
- That's all, sir.
- Well, I wonder who could have sent it.
QUARTZ: It was you, wasn't it?
Oh, no, sir.
I-- I sure would've liked to...
...but I could never afford
something like that on my salary.
Well, I appreciate
your fine sentiment, Marvin...
...but in regard to your salary,
business is business.
- Yes, sir.
- I think we better get back to the car lot.
Marvin, would you go get the car, deal.
and pick Mr. Quartz up right here?
- Yes.
HEATHER: Thank you, dear.
Excuse me, uh.
I don't mean to interrupt you.
- Where did Marvin go?
- Oh, he went to get the car. Why?
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
Heather! Help! Help--
Help! Help--
What is this?
I never saw anybody so anxious
to grab off a Japanese car...
...nobody ever heard of.
Marvin!
This is Marvin Klump.
Ah, yes.
Where are your manners?
Mr. Klump is a guest.
Guests do not attempt
to escape their hosts.
Unbind him.
I must ask you to forgive
Beirut's lack of perception.
He didn't know
with whom he was dealing.
Ow. That hurt.
My apologies
for my associate's ineptitude.
I don't know what this is about, but I'll tell
you one thing, it's some kind of mistake.
You are Marvin Klump, are you not?
Of course I'm Marvin Klump.
Well, sir, then there's no mistake.
Now, wait a minute.
Is this some kind of a joke?
I mean, are you fraternity guys
or something?
No.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You are very good.
Very good indeed at this little game.
So it is a joke. Phew!
I admire you, sir.
There are so few professionals these days,
it is a pleasure to meet one.
- Thank you.
- Beirut? A chair for Mr. Klump.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Now...
Shall we get down to business?
Business?
You don't mean
you had those guys grab me...
...just because you wanna buy a car.
A car?
I'm talking about Quasimodo, sir.
- We don't handle the Japanese makes.
- No.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I suggested to Mr. Quartz
that we get the franchise but--
Most amusing, sir. Magnificent.
Now, shall we drop
this incredible masquerade?
You have me in check, sir.
You know the Quasimodo plans
are worthless...
...without the half in your possession.
And I'm prepared to offer 25,000
in exchange for it.
Twenty-five thousand dollars?
Come, come. You know that would
have been your friend's percentage.
Now it is yours alone.
Score is dead.
Score is--?
Not Freddie Score?
You don't mean Freddie Score?
For goodness sake. I went to school
with Freddie Score back in Waukegan.
Oh, Freddie Score passed away?
He was my age.
[SIGHS]
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
Yes?
You should enjoy yourself
while you're young.
Now, that's enough. Where is it?
Where is what?
I-- I don't know what you're talking about.
Very well.
[BUZZES]
Beirut, perhaps you can find ways...
...to increase Mr. Klump's
powers of comprehension.
You know, you do not care.
You just do not care
what happens to Marvin.
- Miss Klump, really, we do care.
- You're just saying that.
Miss Klump, Mr. Kuryakin's
gone to see about Marvin.
Now, if you knew him, you'd know
that everything is going to be all right.
Open Channel D.
[RADIO BEEPING]
[MUFFLED CRYING]
Solo here.
- How are you doing? Find anything?
- Well, I'm not getting much cooperation.
What about you?
Well, I'm outside the Backstreet estate.
Correction, fortress.
Bad as that?
High walls, armed guards.
- You really want me to try to get in?
- No sense risking your life yet.
Wait until ! finish searching here.
- Now, you heard that.
- Mm-hm.
Your brother's probably in that house.
If he doesn't produce that film
he may be tortured, even killed.
[CRYING]
You could increase his life expectancy
remarkably if you just cooperate.
- I don't know what to do!
- Well, help me find the film.
What film?
The plans for an atomic reactor
with power enough to blow up the world.
It has the code name Quasimodo.
Quasimodo.
Marvin thought that that was
the kind of car they wanted.
Marvin.
Marvin.
Oh, he is in danger of his life.
- You! It is all your fault!
- Get a hold of yourself!
- Hold on, hold on, relax.
- Let me go!
- Relax. Hey--
- No.
Hold on. Hold on. Relax.
- Oh. Oh.
- Okay.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm-- I'm just hysterical.
- I'm so worried over Marvin.
- All right. I see.
Don't you ever worry about yourself?
Hm?
[SIGHS]
How can I help you?
[SIGHS]
You could help me
by looking for a piece...
...of 16-millimeter film strip, Miss Klump.
You know.
Heather's not gonna like this at all.
What"? What are you doing?
We are going to hang you upside down.
Oh-- Oh, please, don't hang me
upside down. That's terrible.
Do you know what would happen
if you hang me upside down?
Shut up.
- We have not even started.
- Yeah, but you're going to.
- Where is the film?
- I don't know anything about any film.
Ha-- Have you checked the drugstore?
Fantastic resources, this man.
It's a pity he's not on our side.
Well, there's nothing left to search
but the walls.
[RADIO BEEPING]
HEATHER:
Hm.
[SIGHS]
Search completed, nothing found. Sony.
Nothing?
Not a trace of the film.
We've been through the entire house.
Are you sure
you've searched everywhere?
[SIGHS]
Almost.
Uh, now, wait just a hot minute there,
Charlie, boy.
Napoleon.
- What's going on?
- Oh, don't you dare touch me.
Oh, never mind. I'm going in.
Look, Miss KIump-- Heather.
- I'm not going to touch you.
- No?
I'd just like you to, uh, go through
everything you're wearing.
Everything?
Everything.
[SIGHS]
[WHIMPERING]
Heather. Heather, I--
I don't know anything about that film.
H-- Heather. Heather!
MARVIN:
Heather!
Heather. I--
The film, swine.
Are you familiar with these deadly
night-blooming flowers?
[PANTS]
If the temperature is raised in this room
more than five degrees...
...they will start emitting
an exquisite perfume.
You will experience
a rather pleasant delirium.
I will?
But don't overdo it, Mr. Klump.
Exposure to this perfume
for more than 30 minutes is fatal.
F-Fatal? Look, fellas.
I don't know anything about any film.
[CRYING]
- Heather! Heather. I--
- You give us no choice.
Howard, raise the temperature.
MARVIN:
Heather!
I don't know it. I don't--
I don't know anything about that film.
- Heather!
- Howard will be just outside the door...
...in case that you should
change your mind.
Heather!
I don't-- I don't--
Mm. Mm.
[WHISTLES]
Mm, mm.
Hm.
[HUMMING]
Hm.
The man has nerves of steel.
[MEN GRUNTING]
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLING]
Hm.
Hm.
Hm.
[MARVIN HUMMING]
[MARVIN WHISTLES]
MARVIN:
Oh, oh.
What? What did you--? Hey, you ruined
everything, you know?
I was having a marvelous time up there.
When. I tell you something...
[MARVIN LAUGHING]
Here I am. I'm flying.
I'm flying.
I'm-- I'm Peter Pan. Let me fly.
I'm Peter Pan. I believe in fairies!
[BEEPING]
He is escaping. I hate him!
The man is incredible, I tell you.
Incredible.
[SIGHS]
[MUMBLING]
- Heather? Wendy?
- Marvin.
Marvin.
- Who are"? Who are you?
- I'm IIIya.
I don't fell too good myself.
Listen, Marvin, we have to make a dash
for that wall or we're both dead.
Follow me.
Yes, just" Just follow me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Marvin, Marvin.
Can you get over that wall?
- I can fly over--
- No, no, not yet, Marvin.
You'll never get off the ground
till I draw them off.
Listen, now, you wait
till you see them chase me.
- Yeah.
- And then you go, baby.
- Then I'll go, baby. All right. Okay.
- Away. Wait. Watch me.
- There he is.
- The man has nerves of steel.
- I hate him.
- The man's incredible.
- Jump.
- Why jump when you can fly?
[GRUNTS]
Marvin. Marvin.
Call 0” the guards.
[WHISTLES]
- But he's getting away.
- Never mind.
Get a car.
We'll go the Klump house.
How-- How do they expect anybody to get
any sleep with noisy neighbors like that?
- Marvin, Marvin. You gotta stand up.
- You know, can we go see Heather?
- You wanna see Heather?
- Yes.
- You put your arm on my shoulder. Good.
- Yeah.
You know, a friend indeed
is a friend indeed.
Now, come on.
[CRYING]
Oh, he's dead.
- He's dead. I know that he's dead.
- Come on, don't jump to conclusions.
Oh, after all I have done for Marvin.
I mean, Fred Score, Singapore.
- Quasimodo, spy rings.
- Yeah.
What is a nice boy like Marvin doing
getting mixed up with atomic reactors?
Come on. Now-- Now, stop.
[SOBBING]
Come on.
Oh. You know,
he didn't even tell his sweet sister.
Well, Marvin's a big boy now.
He's not going to tell his sister everything.
Well, he has no right.
No right to have secrets from me.
I sacrificed my entire life for Marvin.
Maybe that was a mistake.
A young woman like you
should have a life of her own.
Oh, I have no time for that.
That's too bad.
I'm sure a lot of men
would find you very attractive.
Oh, thank you.
Well, not that I haven't had my chances.
Why, even Mr. Quartz, he--
Well, anyway, uh.
after Momma and Poppa died...
...well, somebody
had to take care of Marvin.
He's such a helpless person.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
[GASPS]
It's Marvin.
- He's home!
- How do you know it's Marvin?
He-- He always forgets his keys.
Let's just make sure.
Don't be silly!
BEIRUT:
Tie him up.
Forgive the intrusion, my dear.
- Uh, who is he?
- The name is Solo, Mr. Backstreet.
Aha. So you know me.
Well, I must admit that your reputation
has also reached my ears.
You are the one who kidnapped Marvin.
What have you done with him?
Shut up.
[CHUCKLES]
Now, shall we get down to business?
- Where is that film?
- It's not here.
- Howard, search.
- No need to.
- I've checked the house myself.
- He is lying.
Please.
Mr. Sale is a man of honor.
Do I have your solemn word, sir?
Scout's honor.
[DOORKNOB JIGGLING]
There's someone at the door.
MARVIN:
Boy, you're the" You're the best help--
ILLYA:
Oh, sorry, Marvin.
- Hi, Heather.
HEATHER: Marvin, are you all right?
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
Aren't you proud of me?
I remembered my keys this time.
[HICCUPS]
Oh, boy, I don't--
- Oh, Marvin, you're so untidy.
- Oh.
What took you so long?
We had to make several steps on the way.
Marvin isn't feeling too well.
Oh, what's the matter, Marvin?
Is something wrong? Are you all right?
I don't know what's going on.
I don't understand anything.
Don't worry, Miss Klump.
I can assure you
he had a most pleasant experience.
[CHUCKLES]
And now, shall we continue?
What have you done with that film?
Here we go. The film. Do you know
how many times it's that film"?
I don't know anything about film.
I must warn you, Mr. Klump.
My patience is at an end.
Oh, you leave him alone.
He doesn't know anything about anything.
Do you take me for a fool, madam?
Uh, Miss Klump is quite accurate
in her comment.
Mr. Klump is as he appears to be.
Is it possible
I was wrong about this man?
I'm afraid we've all been chasing
a wild goose.
Is it possible
that there's another Marvin Klump?
There's a-- There's a Martha Klump.
BACKSTREET: Who is it?
- Registered letter.
It must be the one that Fred Score mailed.
Marvin Klump?
BACKSTREET: Uh, where do I sign?
- Right here, sir.
Don't-- Don't take my letter.
[BACKSTREET SIGHS]
Just one second, sir.
It's a federal offense
to open another person's mail.
Now, you just let me have that letter--
- Person.
- Oh.
You were absolutely right, Beirut.
It is from Fred Score.
- What does it mean, Mr. Klump?
- What does what mean, Mr. Klump?
“Under shelter stone on Matterhorn.
You are last to remember.“
What does Matterhorn mean?
Well, it's--
Matterhorn is a mountain in Switzerland.
Didn't you ever read Heidi?
Oh, yes, very good, sir.
Beirut, I think we better take
Mr. Klump along...
...and get our bags packed.
I don't wanna go anyplace.
I don't know anything.
The letter says you do.
Howard, you stay here
and keep an eye on our friends.
Goodbye, gentlemen.
Madam.
Well, I'm-- I'm not gonna go.
- See you later, Heather.
- Marvin.
I'll send cards from every place.
Hey, listen, wait.
Marvin can't stand heights!
That's all right, Heather.
Uh, we all have our problems.
Don't we?
We certainly do.
ILLYA: How long are you gonna
keep us tied up like this?
SOLO:
I hate skipping lunch.
And dinner.
How can you two think of food
at a time like this?
Heather, please, speak only
when spoken to, huh?
At least you could untie the young lady.
She could get us some coffee.
HEATHER:
If you think I'm gonna feed this baboon--
Cut it.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
QUARTZ:
Heather.
Heather. You better open up.
- You better answer it.
QUARTZ: Heather.
You don't want him to call the police.
QUARTZ:
Heather, I know you're in.
[WHISPERS]
Go get him.
QUARTZ: Heather!
HOWARD: Who's there?
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
- Hi, there. Is Marvin"?
- Would you lock the door?
Oh. What's going on here?
Heather, what's happening?
Mr. Quartz, untie me.
We've gotta go chase Marvin.
Well, where is he?
Climbing the Matterhorn.
[PANTING]
Oh. Ooh.
Oh, poor Marvin.
He'll never survive this altitude.
There they are.
[BACKSTREET SIGHS]
Well, shall we press on?
I can't do it. I can't go any further.
I'm tired. I wanna go home.
Well, that's very simple.
All you have to do is tell us
where the film is on this mountain.
I don't know.
[GASPS]
You-hon, Maw'm'.!
[VOICE ECHOING]
You-hoe!
- What was that?
- His sister.
Heather, help!
Oh, I hate this man.
I hate him. All this noise. I can't stand it!
[GASPS]
Please, I beg of you, let me kill him.
Please let me kill him.
Please, Mr. Backstreet, please.
Calm yourself, Beirut.
Have patience. Patience.
Now, my dear boy,
I have no desire to inconvenience you.
So just tell me the secret
of the shelter stone...
...and I promise you, I will let you go.
I wish I...
Wait a minute.
Sh-- Shelter stone.
Matterhorn.
The-- The-- The film is under the cross.
Yes. Very good.
Well, my boy, I'm a man of my word.
I promised you I would let you go.
Beirut, let Marvin go.
Cut the rope.
Oh. What? I-- I told you.
What are you doing that for?
Beirut, let him have his rope.
[LAUGHING]
[GASPS]
Oh, they're going to push him over!
Stop them.
[SCREAMING]
Marvin!
He's dead.
Too late, my friends. Too late.
He's dead!
You let them kill him. He's dead!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I think I see something.
[MARVIN SCREAMING]
Marvin!
Marvin!
[MARVIN WHIMPERING]
Heather, help.
I'd really appreciate some help.
Help.
[ILLYA SIGHS]
[ILLYA SIGHS]
HEATHER: Oh. Oh.
MARVIN: Heather.
Oh, oh, Marvin, are you all right?
Are you all right?
SOLO: He'll be all right.
Now, you take care of him.
We have to get after them.
Wait! Wait, no, no!
Come back.
It's-- It's wrong. It's all wrong.
We're on the wrong Matterhorn.
The wrong Matterhorn?
[SIGHS]
Under the shelter stone...
...on Matterhorn. See?
I see the shelter stone,
but where is Matterhorn?
Matterhorn Quartz.
SOLO: Matterhorn Quartz?
MARVIN: Sure.
That-- That was Sam's nickname
when he played basketball.
He was very tall.
Six-foot-three in the fourth grade.
BEIRUT: You will now put up your hands
and stand still.
What a pleasure
to seeing you all together again.
Some pleasure.
Beirut, take the film from the gentleman.
It has been most stimulating, sir.
I only hope that someday
we may work together.
Who knows what we might accomplish.
And now, if you'll permit me,
I have an important matter to attend to.
[BACKSTREET GRUNTS]
[HOWARD GRUNTS]
[SOLO GRUNTS]
[HOWARD GROANS]
[BEIRUT GROANS]
It hurts! Oh, please, I give up!
What about you, Backstreet?
You have me at a disadvantage, sir.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Oh! Oh!
- Heather!
- Oh! Aah!
- Let her go.
- I've never killed a woman.
Don't force my hand.
You just get your hands off my sister.
Oh, Marvin, you stay out of this.
Heather, once in my life,
let me do something by myself.
I warn you, sir.
- Get your hands off my sister.
- One step.
Aah! Aah!
- I surrender.
ILLYA: Well done, Marvin.
The man's incredible. Nerves of steel.
I underestimated him.
[RADIO BEEPING]
ILLYA:
Kuryakin here.
Mr. Kuryakin,
I'm waiting for your final report.
- The secret of Quasimodo is safe.
- Oh, with chopped nuts, please.
- What was that?
- Miss Klump is having chopped nuts...
...with her rainbow sundae.
We're having a sort of victory celebration
at the local ice-cream parlor.
Heather, I'm bigger than used cars.
WAVERLY:
Apparently, that was Mr. Klump.
Please give him my congratulations.
Yes, sir. Uh, Mr. Waverly
sends you his congratulations.
Thanks, chief.
I'll have a double banana split.
Oh, no, no. That's too fattening for you.
MARVIN:
I tell you something else.
This may come as a shock to you. Gonna--
I'm gonna move right out of that house.
And I'm gonna be on my own.
Why, Marvin Klump, my very own brother.
You know what else? You can tell
Mr. Quartz I quit. Quit, quit, quit.
Uh, really. Really.
From now on,
Marvin Klump will blow his own nose.
Apparently everybody
underestimated Mr. Klump.
- What about a hot fudge sundae?
- What's that?
Ice cream and fudge heated.
Just coffee.
Marvin is moving out,
he's leaving home. And he's quitting you.
It's time. Marvin should be living
on his own anyway.
Oh, but who's going to take care of him?
It's about time
somebody took care of you.
HEATHER:
Why-- Why, Mr. Quartz.
You can call me Kenneth.
WAVERLY:
Well, seemingly, everything is under control.
Uh, gentlemen,
when are you planning to return?
As soon as we have
our Quasimodo delight, sir.
Would you like a Quasimodo delight?
Hm?
Coffee. Black.
[ENGLISH SDH]