The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 22 - The Hula Doll Affair - full transcript

WOMAN:
Eighty-one degrees, 82, 83.

Are there many girls like you
on our testing site?

No, I'm one 01a kind.

Eighty-four degrees, 85, 86.

Eighty-seven degrees.

[ALARM DINGING]

- Hold on 87.
- What's wrong?

One of our recording devices
is malfunctioning.

We'll hold on 87 until the device is fixed.

What temperature does the stuff go off?

Ninety degrees.



[TELEPHONE BUZZES]

Roger. Will resume.

Eighty-eight degrees.

Ha, ha. It's even warmer in here.

Thank you.

Eighty-nine degrees.

Ninety.

- So that's M-4.
- That's M-4.

It's quite a firecracker.

Uh, your plane is warming up.

All the, uh, data
pertaining to M-4 is in here.

[LOCK CLICKS]

- You sure you got everything straight?
- Yes, sir.

Good.



I'll leave everything in your hands.
I've gotta get back to headquarters.

Where's the rest of the chain gang?

Ah, very funny.

Would you have them make
the announcement now, please?

We've gotten reports on the explosive.
Is it as powerful as they say?

It's even more powerful than they say.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Mr. Kuryakin, telephone, Booth 9.

Mr. Kuryakin, telephone, Booth 9, please.

Who could that be?
Mr. Waverly would use a communicator.

You better cover me.

Hello?

Hello?

[SOLO GRUNTS]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[MAN GRUNTS]

[MEN GRUNTING]

Let's get out of here.

It was a wrong number.

When are they gonna paint this place?

Paint? I can't even get
a new pressing machine.

Next year, they keep telling me.
Next year.

I bet Thrush ain't so cheap.

- Ah, good morning, gentlemen.
ILLYA 8. SOLO: Morning.

I must congratulate you both
on evading that trap at the airport.

[SOLO SIGHS]

It was all in a day's work, sir.
Uh, I found it necessary to swallow the key.

Do you have your master set?

Oh. Yes, of course.

Here, it's that one.

Thank you.

Unhappily, while we still have our formula
for our new explosive...

...the explosive itself
is in the hands of Thrush.

They got Williams?

I'm afraid so, yes.

Killed him
and took the sample he was carrying.

The explosive was concealed
in one of these things.

Hula doll, I think you call them.

Then the sample must be here
at Thrush Headquarters in New York.

Oh, without a doubt.

I'm glad you find that entertaining,
Mr. Solo.

But there are matters
of rather more urgency.

- Sony, sir.
- Pay attention. You can get your kicks later.

Our first problem is to find out
just where Thrush Headquarters is.

We've set up a special operations room
to coordinate our search...

...and you gentlemen will be in charge.

There's a heat wave on the way...

...so we've got to recover
that sample of M-4 before it explodes.

I don't, uh, understand, sir.

Why not let it explode
and destroy Thrush Headquarters?

And the 10 square miles surrounding it?

Oh.

WAVERLY:
Yes. Oh, indeed.

What is the temperature out there now,
Mr. Kuryakin?

It's 83...

...and rising.

Here's your sticker.

I wanna see my brother
the minute he arrives.

Get out of my chair, Peter.

Word's out that you blew your assignment,
brother Simon.

And that's a pity, isn't it?
The board's not gonna like that, are they?

You just keep your nose
in your own affairs.

I got what I was after.

You'll never get what you're after.

[NAMEPLATE SLAMS]

And don't think I don't know what it is.

Simon, you know what this is?

This is M-4, Simon.

At least I did my job right.

And when the board convenes,
they're gonna like what I did.

I wish there was some way
I could help cover for you, Simon.

I can take care of myself, brother.
Don't you ever forget it.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, I'm sure you can. I'm sure of that.

I'm sure you'll come up with
some explanation for 26.

After all, we both know, don't we,
that Thrush Central considers fallibility"

[PETER CHUCKLES]

--A fatal disease.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

SIMON:
Mama, your son has got a problem.

Your good son, me.

Ah, if only you could
step out of that frame and...

Thank you, Mama.

Double-A priority.

Bypass security and send a photo expert
up here immediately, Section 12.

ILLYA: Now, it's very unlikely that Thrush
has its headquarters in Central Park...

...so we can eliminate
this whole section here.

And it the data from
our Triangulation Department is correct...

...it's highly unlikely that they're located
in this neighborhood.

- Any progress, Mr. Kuryakin?
ILLYA: Very little, I'm afraid, sir.

We've narrowed the search down
to a peripheral area...

...of about, uh, 100 square blocks.

Well, we'll have to do better than that.

The temperature's 86 now.

Oh, uh, where's Mr. Solo?

Uh, he'll be back in a little while.

He, uh, went out
to procure himself a sandwich.

He should've had something sent in.

Being out on the streets now won't get him
any closer to Thrush Headquarters.

WENDY:
Well, here I am.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was told to report
to Mr. Peter Sweet.

- Who told you?
- Mr. Sweet, of course.

Gee, this sure is a nice setup
you have here.

You better come out, sir.
Security problem.

Oh, I'm not worried about security.

If the salary is right, well, then I'd--

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, well...

Air-conditioned.
Sure need it in this heat wave.

- All right. What is it? Who is she?
- I don't know, sir.

Well, my name is right here
on this application.

- How did you get here?
WENDY: Up the elevator, of course.

You do want a secretary, don't you?

A what?

Thyme. Miss Wendy Thyme.

All right, what are you doing here,
Thyme?

Look, I don't see why
I have to talk to you.

I was told to report to Mr. Peter Sweet.

I am Peter Sweet. I did not send for you.

Well, somebody did.

Who?

Never mind, I know who.

Simon!

Si--

All right, what kind 01a game
are you trying to play, dear brother?

Game? Whatever do you mean?

Don't play dumb with me.

You know there's an unauthorized
non-Thrush girl...

...reporting out there directly to me.

Aw, Peter, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

Now, don't you think
you're taking an unnecessary risk...

...bringing your Wendy in here?

- My Wendy?
- We all have our weaknesses, Peter.

But couldn't you even wait
for your usual liaison...

...with your, uh.
shall we say, paramour?

My--? I've never seen that girl before,
Simon!

Well, you know it and I know it...

...but the board of directors
will have no choice but to think otherwise.

Oh, Simon, don't be so naive.

[CHUCKLES]

Naive?

Exhibit A:

This photograph of you and Miss Thyme
gazing tenderly into each other's eyes...

...seated atone of our better nightclubs.

PETER:
No one's gonna believe this cheap fake.

It's not even a good composite.
I've never been to this joint.

You know it and I know it,
but the board of directors don't know it.

Exhibit B: this receipt,
signed by you for one mink coat.

Exhibit C: this pass,
used by Miss Thyme...

...to enter Thrush headquarters...

...signed by you.

- It's forged.
- Exhibit D:

This photograph of the lovely Miss Thyme
wearing the mink coat.

Now, shall I go on with E, F and G?

- No, it won't be necessary.
- Good.

Now, at the board meeting
day after tomorrow...

...I shall present this evidence.

I shall thereupon be elected
as permanent chief of Thrush New York.

And you, my dear sibling, will never again
be in a position to challenge me.

If you're lucky, dear brother...

...we may find a spot for you
in the, uh, mailroom.

Get her properly dressed.
Take her down to my office.

- You mean I got the job?
- Yes, so it appears.

Oh, I'm so thrilled! Oh, isn't this...?

Well, you heard.

Yes, sir. I used a bug.

Oregano, I've protected your job
for quite some time.

If I get sent to the mailroom, what do you
suppose is gonna happen to you?

I guess the same thing
that's going to happen to Miss Thyme, sir.

A little worse, I'm afraid.
You've got seniority.

That's true. Twelve years, three months.

Wait a minute.
An idea is forming in my mind.

- I hope it's a clever one, sir.
- Ha! Well, of course it's a clever one.

You don't think I got this far on stupidity,
do you? Now listen to me.

My brother, Simon, will not have
the entire board behind him.

Three of those six
will vote for me as chief.

Now, that means that the deciding vote
will be cast...

...by the representative from Thrush,
Number 26, who will attend the meeting.

- According to Thrush rules of order.
- Right.

- And that means I'm in.
- A question, sir.

How do you know 26 will vote for you?
Nobody here even knows who he is.

Because I am going to provide
Number 26.

Simon tried to ruin me with a secretary.

I'm gonna ruin him with a ringer.

Do you have someone in mind, sir?

Yes, indeed, I do.

My ideas are sometimes outrageous,
Oregano.

But I think this is perhaps
the most wondrous of them all.

I want you to get me a list.

A list?

A list of U.N.C.L.E. agents.
U.N.C.L.E. agents, Regie.

Pencils. Anyone for pencils?

- You're Mr. Solo.
- Yeah, how did you know?

Never mind.
Take the pencil and write down a message.

555 Felton Avenue.

There's a man waiting for you there.

He's got something
very important to tell you.

About what?

How should I know?

I just sell pencils.

Uh, may I show you something, sir?

Um, perhaps there's something
you could tell me. My name is Solo.

- I was--
- Oh, yes.

Do you have identification?

Mm-hm. Very good, sir.

Oh, and, um, just in case someone
should come in whilst we talk...

...may I suggest that you, uh.
try on a hat or something, hmm?

Right this way, sir.

Exactly what is it
you had to tell me, Mister, uh...?

- Cardaman.
- Cardaman. Mm-hm.

- Tell you, Mr. Solo?
- Yes.

Just that there is someone here
who is most anxious to meet you.

Good afternoon, Mr. Solo.

Very ingenious. Am I to assume
I'm in Thrush Headquarters?

When we reach the 13th floor.

Mm. That haberdashery shop.

What about it?

It's quite impressive.

I wish U.N.C.L.E. could afford that.

[KEYS CLACKING]

- Very good.
- Thank you, Mr. Sweet.

Oh, there is one thing
I don't understand though.

That, uh, paragraph about programming
the prime minister...?

PETER:
Don't let it trouble you, my dear.

Oh. Well, uh.
the part about the nerve gas.

I hope you don't think
I'm being nosy, Mr. Sweet...

...but, uh, what sort of business
is this anyway?

Well, as a matter of fact, Miss Thyme...

Ah. Oregano, very good.

So this is the famous Mr. Solo, hmm?

It's indeed a pleasure to meet you, sir.

I've been an enemy of yours
for along time.

Peter Sweet's the name.

Charmed, Mr. Sweet.

You've got his gun?

Yes, sir. Also his communicator,
a wallet that contains a dynamite charge...

...and a tie tack
that becomes a rope ladder.

I suppose you're wondering
why I, uh, brought you here, Mr. Solo.

The question has crossed my mind, yes.

Well, to be very brief, sir, you.
as a member of Thrush Central...

...will be present at a board-of-directors
meeting tomorrow morning.

Uh, it's the day after tomorrow, sir.

Mr. Solo is gonna call that meeting
for tomorrow.

At which time, he will cast
the deciding vote in my favor...

...electing me head of Thrush New York.

By the time
the real representative arrives...

...my brother will be disposed of.

How does that grab you, Solo?

- I presume you'll kill me if I refuse.
PETER: Yes.

SOLO:
You'll kill me if I go through with it.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, yes.

Well, um...

All things being equal,
I think I choose to refuse.

All things are not equal, Mr. Solo.

If you refuse, you will be killed
by close of business today.

Now, wouldn't you prefer to,
as they say, play for time?

Mr. Sweet, I still don't know
what kind of business you're in...

...but whatever it is,
I don't think I like it.

Speaking about time, Mr. Solo,
may I present Miss Thyme?

Don't let the uniform tool you.
She's a pigeon just like yourself.

- Hi.
- How do you do?

Miss Thyme is scheduled to die tonight.

Now, if you go along with me...

...you can buy a few extra hours
for her too.

We have a deal, Mr. Sweet.

Very good.

Yeah, I see.
Well, he should have been back by now.

No, no. No, no, never mind.

I'll, uh, tell him. Thank you. Thank you.

Well?

Well, we've managed to narrow it down
to 50 square blocks.

And, uh, Napoleon's disappeared.

Disappeared?

Yeah. He finished his lunch
half an hour ago.

He hasn't been seen since.

Well, I hope it's not another
of his famous dalliances.

Well, I'm sure that at a time like this
he can control...

Yes, quite so.

Well, I suppose Mr. Solo
is able to take care of himself all right.

- I have a task for you, Mr. Kuryakin.
- Yes, sir.

Our Intelligence people have located
the mother of two top Thrush executives.

Here in New York?

Yes, a Mrs. Sweet.

Here's her address.

Perhaps if one other sons
attempts to contact her...

...well, that might give us a clue
as to the location of their headquarters.

It's not much to go on, sir.

No.

But at a moment like this, Mr. Kuryakin,
we grab at the tiniest of straws.

Hello. May I help you?

Uh, no, thank you.
Uh, Mrs. Sweet, she still lives there?

- Yes, she does.
- Ah. Thank you.

Open Channel D.

Yes, Mr. Kuryakin.
Have you managed to find Mrs. Sweet?

Yes, I have her under observation
at the moment.

Well, what is she doing?

She appears to be making chicken soup.

But I don't understand, sir. Why do we have
to hold the meeting tomorrow morning?

I'm a busy man, Mr. Sweet.

I came here a day early
and I can't dawdle.

Of course, Number 26.

We will hold the meeting
tomorrow morning.

I trust you're aware
of my latest, uh, coup, sir.

You mean, uh.
seizing the U.N.C.L.E. explosive?

- What was it, the M--?
- M-4.

Mm-hm.
Understood that was your brother's doing.

Oh, you'll have a full report
on my brother's doings...

...at the board meeting, sir.

And as far as getting the M-4
is concerned...

...the plan was mine, all mine.

Then you are to be commended for that.

Thank you, sir.

Huh. I do hope you will
bear in mind my contribution...

...when the vote comes tomorrow.

About, uh, the U.N.C.L.E. explosive,
the M-4...

...how do I know you actually have it?

Oh, I'd be happy
to show it to you right now, sir...

...but, um, unfortunately, it's 10 after 5.

The vaults have been sealed
for the night.

Mm, pity.

Speaking of the hour, sir.
I'm sure you'd like to get settled.

- You'll be staying here, of course.
-01 course.

I wish I could have dinner with you.

But unfortunately,
I do have a previous engagement.

I'm,uh...

I'm having dinner at my mama's house.

You are?

She's really a very sweet old lady.
I go there every so often.

A man that cares for his mother.

That's a rare thing these days.

I want you to know
Thrush Central approves of that.

[RADIO BEEPING]

Kuryakin here.

Anything new, Mr. Kuryakin?

Well, she has the table set
and she's just put a large soup tureen on it.

Oh, well, that would suggest
she's having some people to dinner.

Yeah. Well, the table is set for three.

Do you think that maybe...?

We can only hope, Mr. Kuryakin.

I've just had a talk
with our Meteorology people.

The temperature's 89 now.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: Expected
to remain stable through the night...

...which means that it could hit 90.

Yeah, and if it does?

[WAVERLY SIGHS]

WAVERLY:
If it dues...

...don't bother to call me.

I doubt if we'd be able
to make connection.

[SIGHS]

So that's my story.

I guess we're really in the soup, huh?

Well, if you like culinary metaphors, yes.

Hey, what time is it?

Seven-thirty.

The temperature's 89.

Phew, I thought it was awfully hot
in here.

I guess they turn
the air conditioning off at night.

The watchman's gone.

Hey, what are you doing?

- I've gotta look for a hula doll.
- Oh.

Listen, uh, with any luck,
I'll be back soon.

Well, you aren't gonna
leave me here alone.

All right, come along.
but take your shoes 0”.

Hey! You're going to look for a what?

Here's what I'm looking for.

I thought we were looking for a hula doll.

It'll take a while to find it.

Meanwhile, we'll cool down
her hot little body, wherever it is.

Close the door
and listen for the watchman.

Right.

[WHISPERS]
Oh, somebody's coming.

All right, now let's look
for a pair of spring-loaded hips.

MAMA [OVER EARPIECE]:
How do you like your soup, Peter?

Delicious, Mama.

You'd better enjoy it.
It may be your last meal.

You're pretty cocky.

Oh? We'll see who's cocky
at the meeting tomorrow...

...right after 26 casts his vote.

Twenty-six? What is this 26?

Well, as usual, dear brother,
you have mouth enough for a glee club.

It won't be my mouth
that's open tomorrow, mail clerk.

Simon. Simon, come back. Simon!

Peter, what is this all about?

I've told you before, Mama.
don't mix in our affairs, huh?

What mix? I'm not supposed
to know even what my sons do?

I'm not supposed to know
where their office is?

[PETER SIGHS]

Downtown, Mama. Downtown.

Open Channel D.

What now, Mr. Kuryakin?

Mrs. Sweet's sons came to dinner.
They've just left.

Well, follow them.

In the morning, if there is a morning...

...they'll probably
go to Thrush Headquarters.

Right. I'm on my way.

[SIGHS]

[MARGE GASPS]

Uh, listen.
I realize I owe you an explanation...

...but I'm afraid there's no time.

Oh! Please don't die.
Even if you are a burglar, don't die.

[ILLYA GROANS]

I'm warning you,
come at me and I'll scream.

Eighty-six, 87, 88...

Who are you?

My name is Marge. I live here.

Hey, who are you to ask me questions?

Did you hit me with that?

Yes. I'll hit you again
if you come at me, I'm warning you.

Ooh. Look, Marge.
I am not a burglar, I...

Wait a minute.

They've gone.

Who's gone?

ILLYA:
Excuse me.

Open Channel D.

Not again, Mr. Kuryakin.

I'm afraid so, sir.

I lost both brothers.

Oh. How did you manage to do that?

You see...

I'm afraid I... Um... Listen--

What he's trying to say
is it was my fault.

Mr. Kuryakin,
was that a woman's voice I heard?

Yes, sir. Her name is Marge
and she lives here, and--

This is the son of thing
I expect from Mr. Solo...

...but not from you, Mr. Kuryakin.

Yes, sir. Uh, speaking of Napoleon,
have you heard from him?

Not a word.

All right, all right. Stick with the mother.

They may try to reestablish contact.

It's along shot...

...but we appear to be playing
long shots today, wouldn't you say?

Yes, sir. Heh. Very long.

You're some kind of a spy, aren't you?

[ILLYA SIGHS]

- Some kind.
- Whose side?

On the side of law and order
and motherhood.

I knew it.

You've got an honest face.
I think I trust you.

- You do?
- Uh-huh.

Do you trust me enough
to grant me a small favor?

What kind of a favor?

Can I spend the night in your closet?

[MARGE CHUCKLES]

Oh, you don't believe
in doing things halfway, do you?

I keep waiting for the snow
to start falling.

It should be through here.

Oh, wow! How are you gonna open that?

Hey, a hairpin?

Something like it. I've got--

[DOOR SLAMS NEARBY]

[WHISPERS]
Down!

[SAFE CLICKS]

Gee, you're clever.

[SHIVERING]
Oh, dear.

It's so cold in here.

- This is it.
- Okay, you got it.

Can we go home?

No. This place is closed up
tighter than a drum at night.

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

It's probably none of my business,
but, uh...

...is there something special
about this hula doll?

Yeah, there's something very special.

Good. Good, I'm glad.

I mean, uh, I was afraid
you might be the type of fellow...

...who just collects things like this,
you know?

What's so special about it?

It has enough explosive in it
to blow up half of Manhattan Island.

Oh.

I think I'm gonna faint.

Come on now, Wendy. Not now.

- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- All right, let's go.

Oh, don't let go.

- Mr. Solo...
- Napoleon.

Napoleon, don't let go.

I mean, uh, ooh, it's so cold in here...

...and you're so warm.

WOMAN: Good morning, Mr. Sweet.
- Good morning.

Poor tired man.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

Well, good morning, Miss Thyme.
I trust you had a pleasant, uh, night.

Does he prefer the couch to the bed?

He's a gentleman.

He let me use the bed.

Oh, I see.

Twenty-six, rise and shine.

WENDY:
He's very tired, Mr. Sweet.

I'll bet.

Up and at them, 26.

The board meeting starts in 15 minutes.

Rise and shine.

Magnificent reflexes, 26.

What coordination.

Ah, but I expected nothing less
from a man of your caliber.

Our meeting starts in a little while,
you know.

I could show you
the U.N.C.L.E. explosive now.

No, no, no. There's no hurry.
I have implicit faith in you.

Faith that I'm sure you'll demonstrate,
eh, 26?

Yes. You go right ahead
and I'll join you in a few minutes.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm frightened, Napoleon.

- The hula doll?
- It's right where we put it.

All right. You stay back there
and I'll join you as soon as possible.

Yeah, but if you can't?

Well, then, uh.
pack the hula doll in some ice.

- Yeah, but" Yeah--
- Shh.

WENDY:
Ooh.

MARGE:
Oh.

[ILLYA SIGHS]

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I'm sorry I woke you.

No, I, uh, shouldn't have gone to sleep.

- Would you like breakfast in the closet?
- What?

Oh, yes. Yes, thank you.

What time is it?

Almost 8:30 and I've got to get to work.

Would you like to stay on here?

Uh, yes, that would be very nice.
Thank you.

Well, I can't really refuse you, can I?

You let a man
stay in your apartment overnight...

...you can't tell him
he's not welcome in the daytime.

You have a point there.

[TELEPHONE DIALING OVER EARPIECE]

Oh-ho? Will you please send a cab
to 276 Gelman Avenue?

Mrs. Sweet. I'll be downstairs.
Thank you.

- I have to go.
- What about your breakfast?

You have it.

Listen, I may have to come back later
so leave the key under the decimal.

555 Felton Avenue.

You got here very quickly, driver.

If you'll wait for me, sonny...

...I just have to buy a few neckties
for my boys.

ILLYA:
Yes, ma'am.

PETER: Well, I'll say this for you,
Simon...

...you certainly know how
to mismanage this organization.

I mean, it takes an inspired bungler...

...to find some way to foul up
the air-conditioning system.

SIMON: That system was sabotaged,
probably by one of your men.

Even I am not that vindictive.

I don't freeze off my nose
to spite my face.

Is everybody here? Good.

The meeting is now in session.

We will proceed
with the first order of business...

...to select a permanent director-in-chief.

Now let us proceed with the vote.

Nothing would suit me better,
deal brother.

I think a voice vote is satisfactory.

Just in case you're hard of hearing,
let's have a show of hands.

As you wish.

All those in favor of retaining
the temporary director-in-chief, myself...

...as the permanent director-in-chief,
raise their hands.

Opposed?

The vote is tied, three to three.

As prescribed in the Thrush rules of order,
the tie will now be broken...

...by the attending representative
of Thrush Central.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, thank you.

I've given a great deal of thought
to this matter...

...and it appears to me that the problem
that we are faced with...

...is that, uh, we have two men...

...who are equally qualified
to be a pan of the team.

And I say team with emphasis,
because that's what I mean.

And there's something
about this organization...

...to me, you understand,
that commands a kind of loyalty.

I beg your pardon, Number 26.

But you yourself said
that time was of the essence.

We're waiting for your vote, sir.

Well, it is my opinion...

...that the new director-in-chief should--

What is the meaning of this, Oregano?

You know a board meeting
must never be interrupted.

Only a dire emergency.

That's what it is, sir.

SIMON: Mama.
PETER: You.

You will address me as 26.

Yes, Mama. I mean, 26.

Sit down, Mister"?

Mr. Solo, Mama-- Twenty-six.

He's an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

- He's a what?
- But I was just waiting for confirmation.

I suspected it all the time, Mama--
I mean, 26.

Of course you did.
You brought him in here!

Now you see what I had to put up with
all these years.

He would jeopardize this entire organization
just so he can embarrass me.

Indeed. Ha.

Who gave this Mr. Solo
my chair at the board meeting?

[PETER LAUGHS]

MAMA:
And who gave him a royal welcome...

...put him in an executive suite?

And who gave him this? Humph.

A foul kettle of fish, this.

But fortunately, the cat has arrived.

Oregano!

OREGANO:
Yes, 26.

There's a bogus cab driver
in a cab outside the shop downstairs.

He needs a haircut.

He's an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

She's been in there quite a while, sir.

I think I'll go in and take a look.

- Uh, may I show you something, sir?
- No, I'm looking for a friend.

Thank you.

You've found a friend.

It was your ambition that put us in here,
dear Peter!

It was your stupidity, dear Simon!

What's that?

Brotherly love.

Why are they in here with us?

Mama Sweet is cleaning house.

Breathe deeply, beloved brother.
It may be your last!

Not as long as you're alive,
brother of mine!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Freud could have a picnic
with those two.

Why is everybody all bundled up?

Napoleon fixed the air conditioning
to keep the doll cool.

Wasn't that clever?

I hate to tell you, clever Napoleon...

...but I'm not cold at all
and you're sweating.

You know something? I think I overloaded
the air conditioning and it's broken down.

You have heard the charges
against Simon and Peter Sweet.

It is up to you, gentlemen,
to decide their punishment.

Who wishes to speak?

We", may I say that both these men have
served Thrush faithfully for many years.

Except for this, uh, lapse.
both men have unblemished records.

Any mother could be proud of two sons
such as these.

Hear, hear.

I therefore propose that this board
recommend clemency...

...in the case of Simon and Peter Sweet.

[SCOFFS]

All those in favor, raise their hands.

Opposed?

Opposed?

Did you think to curry my favor
by pardoning my sons?

I could have you all liquidated for this!

But, 26, we thought--

You thought wrong.

I am a Thrush woman first
and a mother second, if at all.

I hereby exercise my veto powers
as a member of Thrush Central...

...to reverse the decision of this board.

Simon and Peter Sweet
will be executed...

...along with the two U.N.C.L.E. agents
and that girl.

This meeting is adjourned.

[HAND SLAMS]

- This building's gonna blow in minutes.
- What difference does it make?

They'll not get out of here
any more than we are.

- How much time do we have?
- Five minutes, five seconds.

You wouldn't shrug
if you'd seen that stuff blow up.

[SIMON AND PETER GRUNTING]

MAMA:
Stop that!

PETER 8. SIMON:
Yes, Mama.

You three aware
of what's in store for you?

We're running a store here too...

...and we got a sale on explosions,
big ones.

- He's bluffing.
MAMA: Shh!

What do you mean?

Two ounces of M-4
are about to go off any minute...

...as soon as it hits 90 degrees.

We could freeze it. It's here in the vault.

Get out. Here it is, Mama.

It's gone.

Tell us where it is.

No, thank you.

You give us some ice
and a five-minute start.

Take it or leave it. And I suggest you take it
or you're all going to be leaving.

Ice!

It's a bluff, 26.

I don't think so, Oregano.
I don't think so at all.

It's getting pretty warm.

Let them through!

Follow them.
Once they lead you to the M-4, kill them.

Boobies! Nincompoops!

I'll take care of you two...

...while the guards are taking care
of those U.N.C.L.E. agents.

[SIMON AND PETER WHIMPERING]

You'll make it fast, won't you, Mama?

Don't let us suffer. No suffering, Mama.

PETER: No suffering. No. Oh!
SIMON: Oh, God. Oh! Oh, my ear. I-- Oh!

PETER:
Don't let us suffer. No suffering, Mama.

[SIMON AND PETER SHOUTING
IN DISTANCE]

It's just in the nick of time.
All the ice has melted.

MAMA: “Mama! Mama!“
- Mama, this is the escape hatch.

MAMA: You think I didn't know that,
you ninnies?

Did you think I'd let them kill you?

My boys! When I've worked my fingers
to the bone to raise you. I--

[MAMA SCREAMS]

MAMA:
Look out!

[GUNFIRE]

SIMON 8. PETER: Mama! Mama!
MAMA: Boys. Boys.

[GUNFIRE]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Oh! A mother works hard all her life
to raise her sons.

Slaves over a hot stove, dams socks,
struggles.

Oh, how she struggles.

And what? What does she get?

Nitwits! A pair of nitwits!

L...

[MAMA GROANS]

Let's go.

That way.

You know, I think I found
the emergency escape route.

She's gone.

Yeah.

She was really a very good mother,
you know.

They don't come any better.

And she could really cook too.
That chicken soup.

I wonder.

Huh?

I wonder if she left us anything.

- Over there.
- I hope they don't mind us using it.

[MEN GRUNTING]

I, uh, suggest a slight tuck to the right.

MAN: Oh.
- Yes, yes, yes.

Very smart.

Mr. Waverly.

Oh. Good morning, gentlemen, miss.

So this is Thrush Headquarters after all.

Ah. Uh, no. No, I don't think so.

I prefer my old one. Thank you.

[ILLYA SIGHS]

Excuse me.

Hey. Hey, you missed a big spot.

Hey, here. Put plenty paint.

The paint. Put paint.

- What's going on?
- They're painting.

Yeah, we understand that, Mr. Del Floria.
What's the occasion?

Occasion? All I know is Mr. Waverly
walked in, he said we should paint it.

He said he's sorry that we can't afford
to make it...

...you know, a fancy haberdashery.

Hey, tell me, what would I do
with a fancy haberdashery, huh?

Will wonders never cease.

Wonder if this means
I'll get a new typewriter ribbon.

Oh, you know Mr. Waverly.

One thing at a time.

[ENGLISH SDH]