The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 14 - The My Friend the Gorilla Affair - full transcript

How much further is it?

Not too far.

[IMITATING BIRD CALL]

[SPEAKING IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

- I thought you said they were friendly.
- They are.

Well, I never had quite such
an aggressive welcoming committee before.

MAN: Well, they have good reason
to be frightened.

- Yeah, but not of us.
- They don't know that yet.

[SPEAKS IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

[MEN CHANTING]

Well, at least they recognize that,
Prince Khufu.



Um, what is it?

It's my seal of office.

And it's President Khufu now,
Mr. Kuryakin.

In time, my people will learn
what that means.

[SPEAKS IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

[SPEAKS IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

KHUFU:
This is the man.

Can you hear me?

Where did they take you?

No man run fast like antelope,
jump four-man high.

Just him.

Where?

[SPEAKS IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

[SPEAKING IN AFRICAN DIALECT]



What did he say?

They held him captive
at the graveyard of the elephants.

The graveyard of the elephants?

My people believe
that there is only one place in all Africa...

...where elephants go to die.

Well, forgive me,
but isn't that just a myth?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

No one has ever seen it.

Well, the only one that would know
would be an elephant.

Run fast, jump high.
What did he mean by that?

That's what I wanted you to hear
from one of them.

[MAN YELLING OUTSIDE]

[MEN SHOUTING]

[YELLING]

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

Surrender or die?

Uh, we accept your terms.

I must say, I'd feel a bit more comfortable
about all this...

...it my destination were at least
on the globe.

Oh, the place is there all right, Mr. Solo.

The trouble is the map makers
are having a difficult time...

...keeping pace with the proliferation
of emerging countries.

[SIGHS]

I trust you've completed
your jungle briefing.

Mm-hm.

We have a Professor Kenton
who has a serum that he insists...

...when injected into normal human beings,
causes them to become superior men...

...with incredible physical prowess.

Yes, that work earned him
the chair of biochemistry.

Mm-hm. Which he promptly lost
when he was caught using human beings...

...as guinea pigs.

Quite so. But that was three years ago.

And Kenton disappeared,
leaving no trace...

...until Prince Khufu
became the first president of his country.

So you think it was Professor Kenton
who offered Khufu the serum...

...to make his people invincible, huh?

Oh, yes. Needless to say,
Khufu turned him down.

Aah.

That's when the raids began.

If those mass kidnappings
are meant to provide human material...

...tor Kenton's super army,
the ramifications could be truly disastrous.

[GRUNTS]

What was that?

- Yellow fever.
- Mm.

You have any proof of all this?

There was just one man
who managed to escape Kenton's clutches.

When we last heard from Mr. Kuryakin,
he and Khufu were on their way...

...to question the man.

Aah. Then exit Mr. Kuryakin.

And President Khufu.

[GRUNTS]

Uh...

Elephantiasis.

SOLO: How many more?
- You've had, um, cholera.

Dysentery, yellow fever, elephantiasis...

...dengue and malaria.

Uh, so you get three more.

Jungle rot, uh, tsetse fly...

...and, uh, athlete's foot.

It's for your own protection,
my dear fellow.

We want to make you immune
to everything in Africa...

...except perhaps a flat tire.

[GRUNTS]

[TIRE HISSING]

Open Channel D.

Yes, Mr. Solo?

You know, after taking all these shots...

...you'll never guess what I just caught.

[HISSING]

Look out.

Aah!

[MEN SHOUTING]

- Khufu.
- Save yourself. Quick.

[MEN SHOUTING]

[GRUNTS]

Well, Arunda, did you give Napoleon Solo
a proper African welcome?

Truly an explosive one.

[LAUGHS]

And the others?

But what about the one
called Kuryakin?

Ah, ask the crocodile.

Good lad.

[LAUGHS]

[ANIMAL GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

No. I rejected your offer before.

I have not changed.

KENTON:
Pity.

- Now I'll just have to go it alone.
- You will be stopped.

[CHUCKLES]

I forgot.

Uh, you think that help is on its way?

- It is.
- It was.

Unfortunately, the latest recent arrival
is now part of the African landscape.

My people are loyal. They will light.

Do you want them all to die?

Only you can prevent useless bloodshed.

Nothing will change my mind.

Would you rather see them dead?

Khufu, your people will listen to you.

Have them submit to my formula.

Why be a prince in your own country
when together, we can rule all Africa?

I am new president of my country.
That is sufficient for me.

Khufu, cooperate with me...

...and I will make you king...

...01 this great continent.

You're wasting your time, professor.

Well, give it some thought.

With what little time you have left.

[BIRDS HOOTING]

[MONKEYS GIBBERING]

[SIGHS]

[WOMAN YELLING IN DISTANCE]

[YELLING]

Thank you.

My compliments to your dress designer.

Me, Girl.

Me, Napoleon Solo.

Me, Girl.

Well, I'm inclined to agree with you.

Uh...

Anyway, uh, thank you.

GIRL:
Baby.

[GRUNTING]

GIRL:
You watch.

[BABY GRUNTING]

Help!

Hey!

Ow.

[YAWNS]

Well, I didn't shave this morning either.

[SOLO GRUNTS]

Well, I hate to sleep and run...

I'll, uh, see you around.

[BABY GRUNTS]

[MONKEYS GIBBERING]

Major Blackburn,
could you help me with this?

Why don't you read the instructions?

- I did and I don't under--
ILLYA: Help!

- What was that?
- What was what?

I just thought I heard something.

ILLYA:
Help!

That's Africa, my dear.

Boy, bring my elephant gun.

[BLACKBURN GRUNTS]

Hey! Hey, hey!

Hey, you, you down there, how about"?

It's a man.

Boy, cut him down.

What are you doing up there?

I'm knitting a sweater.

Thank you again.

Nice Baby.

- You no like?
- No, I love animals.

Uh, your friend and I were just getting
to know each other.

- Me, Girl.
- Uh-huh.

Well, me, Solo.

So long. Nice house here.

[SOLO GRUNTS]

[BABY GRUNTING]

Ow.

Well, listen, uh-- Heh.

I mean, I'm not all bad. Uh, I'm good.

Uh, I think you've got me mixed up
with someone else.

Me, Solo.

From United States.

United States?

[BABY GRUNTING]

Bad.

It's 5:00.

How can they grant independence
to people...

...who don't know
when it's time for tea?

I didn't know that was a prerequisite.

What, are you some sort of radical,
my dear?

- Thank you.
- That's okay.

But you owe me an hour's worth
of pictures.

Well, now that you're freshened up,
Mr. Kuryakin...

...can you tell me
what you're doing here?

I was about to ask you
the same question.

MARSHA: We're on a safari.
ILLYA: I gathered.

Oh, none for me, please.

I've got to look at the rhino
I shot yesterday.

Uh, you shot a rhinoceros?

Mm-hm. Wanna help me develop the film?

You run along, my dear,
Mr. Kuryakin and I will enjoy our tea.

Okay, but they'll be ready by dinner.

She has all the ingredients
of being a lady...

...but unfortunately,
she keeps them well-hidden.

Uh, is, uh, she, um, your, uh...?

I never saw her before this trip.

She was looking for someone
going southeast.

I happened to be going in that direction.

You were about to tell me
what you're doing out here, Mr. Kuryakin.

Well, I got tied in with the wrong people.

Well, we didn't agree on anything,
and so I, uh-- I left them.

You chose an odd place to separate.

I prefer a clean break.

[GRUNTS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Watusi?

Watusi.

Watusi.

Ah, Watusi.

- Watusi.
- Watusi.

[BABY GRUNTING]

Watusi?

No. Monkey.

[BABY GRUNTING]

For a big gorilla,
he's got at least alight foot.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[GROANS]

Uh, later.

Are you, uh, on a hunting safari?

No, this is a trading expedition.

What do you trade in?

- I import ivory.
- To England?

No, to Africa. More tea?

No, thank you. Uh, you import Af--

African ivory to Africa?

Isn't that rather like importing coal
to Newcastle?

Enterprising, isn't it?
- Frankly, no.

No, there are still lots of places out here
where elephant tusks...

...are considered to be legal tender.

As a matter of fact, I have someone
who will buy all the ivory I can bring him.

- Really?
- More tea?

No, thank you, I...

ARUNDA:
Professor.

Oh, yes, Arunda?

We out of the ivory.

Don't worry about that, Arunda.

Major Blackburn will bring all
that's necessary for the next batch.

Uh-huh.

But, uh, thank you for your concern.

[KENTON SIGHS]

You call these poor devils
your super warriors?

Only the first stage, my friend.

They are but empty vessels
waiting to be filled.

Physical power commences
with the second shot, the booster.

Come, let's go to your quarters.

Here we are.

[CHUCKLES]

It's not pretentious, but it is private.

I would rather be with my people.

Oh, how would that look?

My future king sitting among the masses
behind barbed wire?

- Oh, no.
- You're not a very good listener.

My answer was no.

Oh, for the present, yes.

But you will change your mind after you see
the results of the second injection.

The muscle booster.

[CHUCKLES]

You will. Ha, ha. Bye.

My friend.

See him?

See.

Hm. Hm.

Mm, mm.

Huh.

[BABY SNORTING AND GRUNTING]

Him?

- Bad.
- Bad?

[GRUNTING]

Ah. “To my friend, Girl. Prince Khufu.“

Khufu.

Bad. You take Khufu.

No, no, uh, uh...

You, Khufu.

You, Khufu.

Hm. Hm.

Uh...

[GRUNTING]

Oh!

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING, YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

Ha! Ha!

[GRUNTING]

Understand?

- You, Solo.
- Right.

- Girl.
- Right.

- Khufu.
- Hey!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

You, Solo.

- You, Girl. Right.
- Me, Girl.

- Khufu.
- Khufu, right.

[SOLO GRUNTING]

Baby, stay.

[BABY GROANS]

Go.

[GRUNTS]

Hi, there.

I thought
you were developing a rhinoceros.

Well, uh, I saw an anthill,
and I thought I would shoot it...

...if there was enough available light
this time of night.

Who are you, really?

Fugitive from justice?

Uh, crawling around like that
could be dangerous.

What's so dangerous about ants?

I got it.

You're a desperate adventurer
looking for King Solomon's mines, right?

An unfrocked missionary?

Supposing those ants had snakes
for neighbors?

I'd put this down
before I started shooting.

It's a mating scent.

If there are snakes around,
they go to where I spread it.

Neat, isn't it?

I've got it. You're a secret agent.

Right.

Where does, uh, one obtain
snake mating scent?

In a mail-order catalogue.
I wouldn't come to Africa unprepared.

Mm. Why did you come in the first place?

Have you ever heard
of a Dr. Amos Woodley?

- Woodley?
- Mm.

He was my father.

He came here on some scientific thing
about 17 years ago...

...with my sister and my mother.

My father flew his own plane.
They crashed.

I'm sorry.

We thought they were all dead.

And then a missionary came back
with this fantastic story...

...about some girl being raised by apes.

And you think that she is your sister?

Who knows?

What do you know
about Major Blackburn?

But harmless.

[DRUMMING IN DISTANCE]

What's that?

[DRUMMING CONTINUES]

Blond.

Male.

No, male.

Name of Kuryakin.

[BELL RINGS]

Oh, that's dinner.
I better get cleaned up.

ILLYA:
Don't move.

Just freeze as you are.

[MARSHA SCREAMS]

You should have ordered some
of that mating scent for spiders.

[DRUMMING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]

This elephant has a rather bad cavity.

A phony elephant tusk?

Yeah, about as phony
as importing ivory to Africa.

But Major Blackburn
seems like such a nice man.

Why would he lie?

It's the, uh, nice ones
you have to watch.

[SIGHS]

Ku-ry-akin.

You told me he was dead.

Ah, Hogan reported a crocodile ate him.

That's what you get
for delegating authority.

Have him tell Blackburn to get rid of him,
and I don't want any mistakes this time.

- The queen.
- The queen.

[DRUMMING IN DISTANCE]

MARSHA: Mm.
- It's a good wine.

You are a student of the grape?

Not really, but I know what I like.

- Cigar?
- Uh, no, thank you.

- Dear?
- Uh, no.

You seem to be worried
about something, Mr. Kuryakin.

Something about those drums.

Yeah, they're getting to me too.

Whoever it is,
blows a pretty good bongo.

[DRUMMING CONTINUES]

I think I'm getting the message.

You speak Swahili drum-talk?

No, that's one language I've missed.

Then allow me to help you.

The drums say.
“Blackburn, beware of strangers.“

Really?

Then we'd better watch out for them.

Just one. He's blend and answers
to the name of Kuryakin.

MARSHA:
What are they doing?

ILLYA:
They're putting up stakes.

For you and me?

Good morning.

You picked a beautiful day to die.

I understand you're both interested
in red ants.

I'm gonna give you an opportunity
to study them at close range.

Solo.

Khufu.

If the boys at headquarters
could see me now...

...they'd think I was losing my grip.

Again.

[LAUGHING]

Exciting news, Mr. Waverly.

We finally managed to pick up a signal
on Channel D.

That is exciting news, indeed.

Who is it, Mr. Solo 01 Mr. Kuryakin?

Well, neither, sir, but it is Channel D.

[MAN CHANTING
IN AFRICAN DIALECT ON RADIO]

Well, didn't you have
the language computer identify this stuff?

Um, yes, sir.

Well, what is he saying?

Well, it's the chant
of an African witch doctor.

[WITCH DOCTOR PANTING ON RADIO]

[ALL CHANTING IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

Well, since you're gonna miss
your own performance...

...you're entitled to a preview.

This is an ordinary turkey drumstick.

Normally, it takes the ants an hour
to devour it.

When I add the magic ingredient...

Honey.

Observe.

[BLACKBURN SIGHS]

You get the idea?

You're a beastly old man.

Now, now, new, young lady.
Language, language, language.

And you said he was square
but harmless.

[MEN YELLING]

[SPEAKING IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

Do you mind if I, uh, borrow this?

[SPEAKS IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

Thank you.

This is, uh, Kuryakin here.
Open Channel D.

ILLYA [OVER RADIO]:
Please do not respond.

When I count to three,
I would appreciate it if you would, uh...

---produce the most frightening sound
that you can think of.

...to, uh, impress my friend,
the witch doctor here.

One.

Two.

Three.

[PENCIL SHARPENER
GRINDING LOUDLY OVER RADIO]

- Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome, Mr. Kuryakin.

Is Mr. Solo with you?

Napoleon?
I didn't know that he was here.

Where are you?

I'm on the way to the elephant graveyard,
and in a great hurry.

They may want some more magic,
and I'm running out of magic.

I'll keep you informed.

Now listen, you two.
you can't leave me here.

Where's your sense of propriety?

Besides, you can't leave me here
with all these savages.

How would you find
the elephants' graveyard, huh?

Oh.

He's right. How will you find
the elephants' graveyard?

Simple, find a dying elephant
and follow him.

KENTON:
No, Arunda.

Please excuse the rough treatment.

Arunda didn't realize
you were special guests.

Like Khufu and Kuryakin?

Oh, yes.

Khufu is staying with us here.

But poor Mr. Kuryakin
met an untimely accident on the way.

Where did you pick up this creature?
Or is she also an U.N.C.L.E. agent too?

Just let her go,
she had nothing to do with this.

On the contrary.

Up until now, I've only experimented
on male specimen.

But it seems that we have...

...a perfect potential superwoman here.

[GIRL SHRIEKS]

[KENTON SCREAMS]

Woman will be the last animal
civilized by man.

Throw her in a cage where she belongs.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Not you, Mr. Solo.

We have something to discuss.

SOLO:
Ican't wait.

Now, I hope you have vision enough
to picture an entire army...

...of men like Arunda here.

Obeying my every command
like a pack of trained hounds.

It sounds impressive if you're deciding
to declare war on the Kennel Club.

[CHUCKLES]

You're trying to irritate me.

Which is not very wise
for a man in your position.

What is my position?

Your position
could be a very nice position.

I need leaders in my invincible army.

How would you like to be a general?

In exchange for what?

Khufu's cooperation.

What more can a man need?

I've offered to make him
king of all Africa.

And all I ask in return is that he force
his subjects to submit to my experiments.

He refused.

And you want me
to make him change his mind.

You're very perceptive.

I like that.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Don't be too hasty in turning me down.

Take some time to give it a little thought.

Throw him in with the rest.

See?

MARSHA:
And me without a camera.

Come on, let's go before we lose him.

How do you lose an elephant?

Comfortable, I trust?

Always grateful for a roof
over our heads.

Well, Mr. Solo, have you decided
to help Khufu change his mind...

...and cooperate?

He will not succeed.

I wouldn't try.

Well, Mr. Solo, I decided
to give you an added incentive.

My guards will stage
a spear-throwing contest...

...and you will participate.

Mm. Well, you're going
to be very disappointed.

I never made the javelin team, you know.

Oh. Ha, ha. No.
You won't be throwing.

The guards seem to find
a live moving target very entertaining.

And unless you manage
to help Khufu dec--

I'm it.

Bravo, exactly, yes.

Very good.

[GRUNTS]

You're a brave man, Mr. Solo.

Hold a good thought.

We may need it later.

- Our guide has company.
- What does that mean?

ILLYA:
It means that we're close.

Very close.

[ILLYA GRUNTING]

Napoleon.

Mr. Kuryakin, I presume.

Who is that?

Her name is Girl.

- Huh?
- Well, she lives in a tree.

Rebecca?

You know her?

Yeah, well, Marsha here
thinks that Girl is her sister.

She is my sister.
That male on her face.

Now, this is a very touching reunion,
but that's not gonna help us get out.

How did you find this place?

ILLYA:
We followed a dying elephant.

There's a whole herd of them outside.

Really?

Uh, you can talk gorilla.

Can you talk to elephant?

- Elephant?
- Elephant.

[SPEAKS IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

Ah.

[YELLING]

What's that?

Ah, it's that savage woman.

Well, tum her off, and get Solo.

[TRUMPETING]

[BABY GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

Very good, Imbala.

[MAN SHRIEKS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SHRIEKS]

Very good. It couldn't have been more
than half an inch.

[MAN SHRIEKS]

[YELLS]

[MAN SHRIEKS]

Ha, very good, marvelous.

BLACKBURN:
Wait, wait.

Professor, professor.

Ah, it's about time.
Where have you been?

Arunda, take him away.

Where is the ivory?

- I'd traded it to the natives.
- You what?

I had to,
it was either the chemicals or me.

You feel.

As usual, you made the wrong choice.

Now, now, don't be hasty.
We can get it back.

You have Kuryakin.
The natives think he's some sort of god.

He'll get it back for you.

Very well, major.

We'll see it you're more successful
with that Kuryakin...

...than I was with that U.N.C.L.E. man.

Arunda, remove this blight.

- Major, my drink.
- Oh, yes, of course.

Well, I see you've been drummed out
of the professor's service too.

Mr. Kuryakin, listen to me.

I'm old, and you're young.

The professor, he'll kill me
if he doesn't get the ivory back.

You can help your friends too.

The natives think you're a god.
Use your influence.

I'm sorry, major, no deal.

You'll just have to take potluck
with the rest of us.

And you can start
by untying these ropes.

ILLYA:
Yeah, when the guard's not looking.

[GRUNTING]

I'm afraid Rebecca does not speak
the same language as the elephants.

Uh, how is it you didn't have any...

...of those extraordinary escape devices
on you, huh?

- How many do you have?
- I've nothing except:

[GRUNTING]

[BABY GRUNTING]

SOLO:
Would you settle for a gorilla?

[GUARD SCREAMS]

GIRL:
Baby.

[GRUNTING]

ARUNDA:
Stop!

[YELLS]

[BABY GROWLS]

[YELLS]

I think we've got a winner.

You haven't seen the other fellow
in action yet.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- See?
- Well...

Just goes to show you,
you shouldn't pin all your hopes on a gorilla.

Well, gentlemen, do you new question
the effectiveness of my discovery, hm?

[ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING]

The elephants.

Too bad you can't carry
Girl around with you.

[TRUMPETING]

Elephants?

My lab.

[TRUMPETING]

[MEN SHOUTING]

What are you doing?

My work.

My life.

[KENTON SCREAMS]

He who defies nature
destroyed by nature.

Some people just won't listen to reason
until an elephant falls on them.

Come on.

Huh, you like?

Um, well, frankly, I think the other dress
had a lot more to say.

You no like?

Oh, Solo like very much, very much,
whatever the wrapping.

[JEEP HORN HONKS]

Come on.

We have a long way to travel.

BLACKBURN:
Oh, uh--

I say, old boy.
did you save a place for me?

I'm sorry, major.
but this safari is all booked.

But you're not going to leave me here
all alone?

Well, you have Baby
to keep you company.

In time, he may learn to serve tea.

Goodbye, my friends.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[GRUNTING]

Well, we may as well start training
right away.

Tea will be served every afternoon
at 5:00.

I wonder if he'd know anyone
interested in plastic ivory.

[ENGLISH SDH]