The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 2 - Alexander the Greater Affair: Part Two - full transcript

Keep all transatlantic channels open
for Mr. Solo, please.

What is it, Mr. Farrell?

When you do reach Mr. Solo
and Mr. Kuryakin, sir...

...I think it would be good policy
to remind them...

...that although they have
unlimited expense accounts...

...Budget Control feels this present mission
is getting completely out of hand.

Oh, really?

So far, my department has vouchers
for clothes replacement...

...airline travel
to and from the United States...

...and all over the Mediterranean...

...a company car,
completely demolished in a rock quarry.



And now a company helicopter
from our Athens office...

...is presumably lost or missing
on a Greek island.

I'll speak to Mr. Solo about it
as soon as I hear from him.

Thank you, sir.
We have to hold the line somewhere.

Yes, don't we?

In my own grandiose way,
I have broken every moral commandment.

Except number seven,
which you interrupted...

...but that will be executed
in fairly short order.

And number six, “thou shalt not kill.“

Anyone we know?

Possibly. I'll kill him myself
and walk away a free man.

It's all a pan of my master plan.

From that moment on,
I will be Alexander the Greater.

No one will stop me.



- What are you going to do about Tracey?
- Tie them together.

Mr. Kavon-- My Aristotle, if you like.
--and I are on our way to Washington.

Goodbye.

And you know how awkward it is
to get space without a reservation.

Lower the scimitar.

[PARVIZ CHUCKLING]

I'm going show you the heritage of the
ancient cultures of the Mediterranean.

Well, I tell you, I really wouldn't wanna
inconvenience you here.

Beautiful, is it not?

It's razor-sharp, of course.

It's a new steel process.

I get 15 to 20 times more use
out of each one of these blades.

Operates on the principle
of the lowering pendulum.

Each swing lowers a few inches,
until eventually...

Of course, there are some people
who might say...

...this is torturous.

Well, I tell you,
I really never listen to what people say.

PARVIZ:
Now, Mr. Solo...

...just the same,
I shall relieve your anxiety.

Lower the rope of Pericles.

This is a little something we use for those
who commit sacrilege in our tombs.

Raise them.

- Faster, faster.
TRACEY: Ah!

Tie it off.

You see, the candle will bum
through the rope.

But that is not all.

[TRACEY SCREAMS]

PARVIZ:
Bottomless, of course, Mr. Solo.

[PARVIZ CHUCKLES]

Come.

It's no use.

- Now what are we gonna do?
- Well...

Uh...

The best we can.

TRACEY: The rope.
- What are you going to do?

Aim very carefully.

[CREAKING]

You hung up? Huh?

So Mr. Alexander
is going to kill someone.

But who?

When?

He still has the BG30 will gas.
Puts us in a very vulnerable position.

All we know is that he said
he was gonna take a flight to Washington.

Our Washington intelligence survey
has only been able to uncover...

...the name of a health salon
for men and women called The Grecian Urn.

It's owned by AX Enterprises Incorporated,
which in tum is owned...

...by Alexander Incorporated, which in tum,
et ceteva, et ceteva, et cetera.

Well, you'll have to start there,
I suppose.

Well, Mr. Alexander gives us
very little to go on.

Now, where is this Mrs. Alexander?

SOLO: She's in my office now.
I had he! brought in for a security interview.

I doubt it she knows much more
than we do about Alexander, though.

Well, I suppose I must talk to her
just the same.

The most direct course
would be to force his hand.

If we can get his wife to show herself...

No, that's out of the question.

Much too dangerous.

We can hardly expect her to do that.

I think you'll find her
unusually cooperative.

All right, Arnold.
I'll stop by and pick them up in the morning.

Thank you. Goodbye.

My lawyer. I'm getting afresh change
of settlement papers.

- Hello, you must be Mr. Waverly.
- How do you do, Mrs. Alexander?

We want to discuss with you--

I feel so much more secure
now that I've met you.

Oh, thank you.

I wondered if I might speak to you
for a moment. Privately.

Yes, if you like.

Gentlemen.

Yes. We'll be outside
in case you need us.

- Thank you.
TRACEY: Um...

Now, I don't know how much
they might have told you about me...

...but I'd like to talk to you
for a moment.

Uh...

It's about my million dollars.

Mr. Solo told me
you were trying to get a divorce...

...and property settlement
from Alexander.

I'd like to join forces with you.

Now, I have an idea how I can help us all
catch up with Alexander.

Oh, yes?

I could expose myself.

You'd be following me, of course.
We'd force his hand.

ALEXANDER: And my peaches
are the best you've ever tasted.

I like this farm. It harmonizes
with the pastoral side of my nature.

I raise organic health foods here.

If I may ask, Mr. Alexander,
when do you plan to hold the assassination?

Tonight.

I have arranged
for your Washington embassy...

...to hold a special party
for your nation's president.

I will be there to make a goodwill speech.
I will kill him immediately after my remarks.

With the president dead, the loyalist
democratic forces should collapse.

Our opposition will be scattered.

It should be simple enough
to stage a coup.

And what about Prince Phanong,
Mr. Alexander?

I've already taken care of that.
I'm very close to his wife.

[LAUGHING]

I must admit that your plan
has an almost Oriental subtlety.

The Washington embassy
is technically pan of our country...

...not the United States.

So our new administration
will hail you as a hero.

A very nice arrangement.

This is the BG30 will gas.

Its use will chemically disable
your opposition's will to win.

EON PHOUMA:
Thank you.

MAN-PHANG: Our country's indebted to you
for all you have done.

We'll look forward to hear from you.

Thank you, General Man-Phang.
General Ben Phouma.

- Thank you.
- Have a pleasant, pleasant voyage.

- I did not know they were here.
- Well, I didn't wanna bother you.

If you'll excuse me,
I have an engagement in Washington.

Yes, I'll get my traveling crutch
and be right with you.

I'd like to have you come,
but I'm afraid it's a rather personal matter.

KAVON:
Of course, if that's the way you want it.

Can you rely on these men?

Oh, yes, they're reliable.
But they're second-rate intellects.

I shouldn't have any trouble using
their country as my personal power base.

From there, I can subvert all of Asia.

Where the devil did I put the keys
to my sports car?

- Is our plan working well, Alexander?
- Perfectly.

I will conquer the world in no time at all.

Along the way, I will break
each of the moral commandments.

- That's not bad for a beginner.
- No.

You were always a good student.

Well, I owe everything to you.

I wouldn't want you to think
I'd forgotten that.

I found this on my bed stand.

Oh, really?

What is it?

An advertisement.

Some place in Arizona
called Retirement City.

A place where they keep old people.

Here they are.

Well, it must have come for you
in the mail.

I've heard of the place.
I understand it's very nice.

Well, I have to change if I'm going
to beat the Washington noontime traffic.

NICOLE:
It's almost 1:30.

I know.

NICOLE: But my husband will be home
at any moment.

I know.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[FOOTSTEPS]

He's very punctual, isn't he?

What are you doing here?

I just stepped off
to pay my respects to your wife.

I will kill you.

No, you won't. You're not suited for it.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone
you've not prince enough to keep your wife.

What are you trying to do to me?

ALEXANDER:
I'm buying you off.

I'm guaranteeing
that you will support the junta...

...that will overthrow
your new government.

Don't worry. This is my last visit.

Ahh!

We'll cover you from here.

They'll have someone
follow you once you come out.

We will have to keep our distance.

In there, you'll have to make
your story convincing.

You might even have to appear
a little critical of us.

Well, it'll be difficult, but I'll try.

- Well, what if they won't let me come out?
- Then we'll come in.

You sure you'll be all right?

I'll be fine.

Good afternoon. May I help you?

- I'd like to see Mr. Alexander, please.
- Mr. Alexander.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid
that we have no Mr. Alexander here.

[BUZZING]

RECEPTIONIST:
You must have the wrong address.

Well, wherever he is, just tell him
that Mrs. Alexander would like to see him.

That's me.

Mr. Arnold, Mr. Prince and Mr. Bruce
are available.

You may inform him
that I have some very valuable...

...and very expensive information for him.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes, sir.

The girls will show you to Room A.

That won't be necessary.
Just see that Alexander gets my message.

If anyone wants me, I'll be in Room A.

- Can Mr. Alexander be reached?
RECEPTIONIST: Not at the moment-

- You try to locate him.
- Yes, sir.

Now, I'm going to step out of my office
for a few moments.

You hold all my calls, please.

[TRACEY YELPS]

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

What are you doing to her?

I did not say.
“Give her a beauty treatment.“

- I thought you were trying to torture me.
- You, out, out, out! Leave us alone, out!

Well, I can't say it's nice to see you again.
Could you hand me my clothes, please?

How did you get out of your tomb?

Well, you see, there was this lamp.
And we rubbed it three times.

What do you want with Mr. Alexander?
What information do you have?

I'll tell Alexander when I see him.

Ow!

- Now, would you please tum around?
- Are you working for the U.N.C.L.E.?

The U.N.C.L...? Oh, U.N.C.L.E.
No, there's no profit in that.

All I wanna do is make a trade.
Would you tum around, please?

You're so nasty.

I'll tell him what they know
about his plans herein Washington...

...and all he has to do
is give me my settlement.

How do I know I can trust you?

Well, that's just one of the chances
you have to take in the espionage business.

Have you heard from Mr. Alexander?

Not yet?

Have them bring my car
around the front, please.

- Excuse me--
- Mr. Ingo is in charge of the men's division.

- He'll be right with you.
- Well, actually, I was looking for...

I am Ingo.

Of course.

I know what your problem is.

Is it that easy to tell?

Yes. Inactivity.

All businessmen today
suffer from inactivity. I'll show you.

I'm going to put you on a program
of vigorous exercise...

...and give you a diet
of high-vitality organic health food.

I sell some of the best organic health food
as a service to my customers.

We must purify your system.

Your blood has been poisoned by impurities.
I'll get a chart.

[DOOR OPENS]

SOLO:
I'll take it from here.

- All right. Now, just relax and don't--
TRACEY: Ah!

[GLASS BREAKS]

Ah, Mr. Solo.

Ingo. Give him the complete workout.

Condition red.
Give everyone the afternoon off.

Napoleon, they just boarded a limousine.

I'm going to be busy for a while.
You go ahead.

All right, I'll check back with you later.

[GRUNTING]

[INGO GRUNTING]

Please.

What is she doing here?
She's supposed to be dead.

A wife's place is by her husband.
Thanks for your concern just the same.

What is she doing here?

She said that she had information
that U.N.C.L.E. knows of all your plans.

What information do you have?

It'll cost you a million dollars.

My personal check on the Swiss account.

Now, what do you know?

Oh, that. Well, ahem, I, uh...

I,uh...

I know that U.N.C.L.E. is very upset
about what you've been doing.

And you're gonna get in a lot of trouble
if you don't stop.

And it I were you, I'd stop people--
Putting people in tombs and...

When are you ever going to learn
that money isn't everything?

How do you know
she wasn't followed by an agent?

She was followed by Solo,
but Ingo is taking very good care of him.

How do you know she wasn't followed
by more than one U.N.C.L.E. agent?

- I don't know, but you see--
- Parviz, I'm very disappointed in you.

- Yes.
- How did you get out of that tomb?

[BUZZES]

- Yes, sir?
- Security check.

Yes, sir.

Unauthorized personnel
coming across the field.

- Well, bring him in.
- Yes, sir.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Security conditions red.

[ALARM RINGING]

Hi there.

Coffee, tea or milk?

Just how much did your organization
know of my plans, Mr. Kuryakin?

We know enough to stop you.

My advice to you
is to quit while you're ahead.

Words to live by.

They don't know anything.
Just enough to waste my valuable time.

Why haven't I heard from Inge?

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello.
ALEXANDER: Inga.

No, Ingo can't come to the phone,
Alexander.

Mr. Solo, I have something
for you to think about.

Here with me, I have both Mr. Kuryakin
and my former wife.

I hope you're having a good time.
Perhaps I could join you.

Your organization had better not interfere
with my plans, or I'll kill them both.

That won't help you, Alexander.
May I remind you--?

I doubt if that will help very much,
but it will keep you alive a little longer.

I may need you later
for bargaining power.

Call Gama! Hosseine.

Go upstairs and prepare yourself.
You're going to a reception with me tonight.

- What kind of reception?
- Never mind, just go upstairs.

Your gown will be sent up to you.

And just exactly what am I expected to do
at this reception?

- Just stay as beautiful as you are.
- Well, thank you.

And if I go with you,
will you promise not to have him killed?

ALEXANDER: Oh, yes, yes.
I'm sure you wouldn't want me to do that.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you.

- And if I don't go, you will kill him?
- Yes, don't leave yourself out.

Oh, well, in that case, I can't think
of when I've had a more tempting otter.

You take her upstairs. Don't lose her.

PARVIZ: Yes, Mr. Alexander.
- I'll be along later.

Mr. Kavon,
I have a surprise for you, a gift.

Yes. I should do some work
on my experiments.

What sort of experiments?

Oh, something that will take your mind
off of all this unpleasantness.

What sort of experiments?

Come, I will show you.

Uh-huh.

I wanna go to Alexandria, Virginia.
Do you know how far that is?

[HANDLE JIGGLES]

Hey, listen. Tum around and look at me.

[KAVON HUMMING]

Have you ever heard of a brotherhood...

...called the Sons of Medea, Mr. Kuryakin?

I've read about it.

It's an obscure Greek brotherhood
of fanatics.

Also known as
the Cult of the Death Wish.

Ah, you have heard of us.

I thought the Sons of Medea
was an ancient order, long extinct.

Well, you know how it is with cults.

I am the only active member left.

In my research,
I discovered that along time ago...

...members of my society...

...perfected a process
of mummification...

...that was far better
than the Egyptian method.

- Mu-- Mummification?
- Mummification.

I have been trying to duplicate
this process.

I've been working at it a very long time
in my odd moments.

And I think I--
Think I am about to get onto it.

Mmm. Smells good.

I have a pet theory, Mr. Kuryakin.

The way to make a good mummy...

...is to start the treatment
while the subject is still alive.

Well, that's one theory.

Well, it's problematical.
I've never had an opportunity before...

...until now.

Now, it will take a few minutes...

...for the solution
to soak through to the pores.

[WINCES]

- Hot?
- Yes, thank you.

Hm. Well, it will cool very quickly.
Please be patient.

I don't wanna seem ungrateful,
but whose style is this?

- It's my design.
- Yes, isn't it?

The trick is not to inhale.

What are you thinking about?

- Nothing melodramatic, I hope.
- I wouldn't dream of it.

- Let's go.
- Um...

- Let's wait a while.
- Why?

My hair.

- What's wrong with your hair?
- Oh, I don't know. It's just not right.

You recall how vain I am.

I'll be in the powder room.
Just be a minute.

KAVON:
All of that mud in your hair.

- I should have washed it first.
ILLYA: Mm-hm.

I must say I don't know what to do
about Alexander.

He used to listen to my counsel...

...and now he has changed.

He feels he's outgrown his need for me.

And now for the final step.

I must add some more Tanis leaves.

It's very good for the facial tissue.

You wouldn't strike an old man,
would you, Mr. Solo?

You have no respect for science,
Mr. Solo.

[SOLO GRUNTS]

Well, he'll be out for a while.

[ILLYA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What's that?

Well, I suppose I'll just have to
find myself a new tailor.

Mr. Alexander,
your limousine is waiting outside.

- Good, I'll be out in a moment.
- Where is Mr. Solo?

Mr. Solo hasn't been delivered yet.

Gamar's taxicab is waiting outside also.
I assumed you had Mr. Solo here with you.

All right, she's in the powder room.
Bring her in here.

Security alert.
Sale is on the farm somewhere.

- Stalling for time, weren't you?
- I'm just thorough, that's-- Ow!

Call the barn and tell them
to have the plane ready for take-oft...

...the minute I return.

Yes.

[ALARM RINGING]

That's the alarm system.

- Where's Tracey?
- Upstairs with Alexander.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

He's taking Tracey with him.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

The embassy is at 24 Avenue F.
Take the northern route to avoid traffic.

We're being followed.

It's Gamar's taxicab.

It's probably Mr. Solo.

I doubt if he'll make any oven moves
as long as we have our guest here with us.

Code four. Clear channels two and three,
Washington, D.C.

- Come in, please.
- Kuryakin here, sir.

Napoleon and I
are following Alexander's limousine.

We're approaching the interchange
heading for Washington, D.C.

- What is your precise destination?
- We don't know yet.

I see. What do you suggest?

Alexander has a farm
in Alexandria, Virginia...

...which he uses as a base.

You should send some men down there
and seal it off.

I hope Mr. Solo enjoys his drive.

The embassy's a couple of blocks this way,
and it's a lovely night for a walk.

[MUFFLED GUNSHOTS]

It's quite a party.

All right, I'll divert them. You cover me.

ILLYA:
Go.

Oh. Terribly sorry. Wrong car.

MAN:
Get your rice ready. Here they come.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

MAN: Where are you going for your
honeymoon? We'll see you there.

MAN:
Happy honeymoon. Have a nice trip.

[BRIDE SCREAMS]

I knew it wouldn't last.

NICOLE: Good evening.
- Good evening.

Good evening.

- Where is the president?
- He'll come in, in a moment.

His Excellency will be beside you
on the platform.

Good. How are you?

Only minor bruises.

I think we've been decayed.

Tracey left some directions.

“24 Avenue F.“

Open channel D, please.

We're on our way now to 24 Avenue F.
I think we'd better have the reinforcements.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is the sixth month
of the new government...

...under President Sing-Mok.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

But I am hereto do something
far more important...

...than honoring the president.

And so I've broken every law of morality--
Commandments, if you like.

"Except one.

And when I do that,
I shall surely be Alexander the Greater.

- He's going to kill the president.
- Number six, “thou shall not kill.“

[CROWD SCREAMS]

[CROWD GASPS]

ALEXANDER:
Too late, Mr. Solo.

In just a moment, a cable will arrive at the
embassy proclaiming a military takeover.

I shall be hailed as their savior.

[CROWD GASPS]

I don't think so, Mr. Alexander.

We arrested the last of the insurrectionists
a short while ago.

Naturally, they implicated you.

A new protective vest.

Made by one of your own companies,
I believe.

A very fine craftsmanship.

[CROWD GASPS]

If you'll please excuse us.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[TIRES SCREECH]

- Who's piloting that plane?
- I don't know.

We thought we had
all of Alexander's people.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Well, this has been one of those days.

Would you set the plane
on course for the Caribbean?

Thank you for your help, Mr. Kavon.

The truth is...

...I saved you for selfish reasons.

What are you talking about?

Do you really think
that after all those years of sacrifice...

...and devotion...

...and using my knowledge...

...I would let you exist without me?

You old fool.

You should be grateful
for the privilege of sharing in my conquests.

Put that thing down,
or you'll fall and hurt yourself.

Ah!

And that was that.

- I'm happy to say.
- I'm going to miss him.

All in all, he gave me
a pretty fast three years.

Even if he was a liar
and a thief and a murderer of sorts?

He was never dull.

A gratuity.

I'm going to miss you most of all.

Now it's time for me to disappear.
I hope you understand.

Oh, I understand.
It's a habit of mine too.

Hm.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I've just had confirmation
that the BG30 will gas...

...has been returned to the Army.

It seems everything is in good order.

TRACEY: That's a beautiful decoration.
What did you get that for?

Will Tracey get her money?

Not for some time.

Alexander's empire will be
in litigation for years, I'm afraid.

Zebra?

Sing-Mok is a single man, you know.

Yes. Well, I think she'll do rather well.

Cheerio.

[ENGLISH SDH]