The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Birds and the Bees Affair - full transcript

SOLO: Swelling.
It looks like some sort of insect sting.

Open Channel D, overseas relay. Priority.

Please scramble.

- Mr. Kuryakin?
ILLYA:Yes, sir.

Well, let me have your security report,
please.

There's been an assault
on U.N.C.L.E. Headquarters, Geneva.

All personnel dead.

How did they penetrate security?

Well, until our research people get here,
all we can do is make an educated guess.

But there seems to have been
some sort of insect attack...

...pmhahlv through the heating vents.



I see.

Well, what do you suggest?

A Section One Headquarters alert
to direct all of our offices to stand by.

And change over
to emergency ventilating systems.

- I see. Anything else?
- Not for the moment-

Then in that case,
proceed on to New York for debriefing.

I'll have Dietrich take over there.

Honey.

[BEES BUZZING]

ILLYA: Bees.
- Close the window.

ILLYA: They're smashing themselves
against the window.

There's a lake up ahead.

A most remarkable escape, I must say.

No unpleasant aftereffects, I trust?



Well, nothing...

...except the crease in my trousers
hasn't quite been the same.

Then we can proceed.

This is a blowup of one of the bees...

...our research people found
in the office at Geneva.

It's a new breed of bee, so minute...

...that it can penetrate even the very finest
of small wire-mesh screening.

A follow-up reports that each man
received over 100 minute bee stings.

- Actually, one would have been sufficient.
- Killer bees.

The problem doesn't end there, though.
I'm afraid.

The punctures were so tiny
that they were invisible to the naked eye...

...indicating that the bees themselves
were practically invisible.

It would seem that Thrush has developed
another weapon of ultimate tenor.

Mm.

Well, for what small comfort
it may be to us...

...the bees die
when they lose their stinger.

Which brings us to EIIias Swan...

...one of
the world's most renowned entomologists...

...and equally renowned
compulsive gambler.

He published an article not long ago...

...advancing the theory
of breeding a new super-bee.

- Did you read it?
WAVERLY: Quite right, Mr. Kuryakin.

And while we're not at all certain...

...that Dr. Swan is responsible
for what happened at Geneva...

...we mustn't close our eyes to the fact
that this gambling propensity of his...

...makes him particularly vulnerable
to Thrush.

We have reason to believe
that Dr. Swan is in New York now.

There's a list of his haunts.

It's vital that we know,
one way or another...

...whether he has any link with Thrush.

Mr. Kuryakin,
the honey that was spread on your car...

...it seems, is 01a special kind.

Cumberly honey.
You may wish to go into that.

I thought bees made their own honey
and then fed on it.

Well, our research people report...

...that these tiny insects are incapable
of producing enough to feed themselves...

...so Cumberly honey has been introduced
as a special food.

Well, gentlemen...

...looks to me as though
you've got your work cut out for you.

Mr. Solo, on your way out...

...see what Del Floria can do
with that crease in your trousers, will you?

[CLINKS]

[BEES BUZZING]

[DOORKNOB CLICKS]

Good.

My dear Dr. Swan,
aren't you afraid of getting stung?

Over the years...

...my system has worked up an immunity
against the bees' venom.

Unfortunately.
It's unable to ward off a common headache.

That hardly surprises me.

What surprises me
is the wonderful working conditions...

...you have provided me with.

And the money.

- Dear me, such cynicism.
- Speaking of money...

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I had forgotten.
Ten thousand, I think.

That brings us up to 150,000.
my dear doctor.

More or less, yes.

My dear Swan...

...I wish you could refrain
from visiting that private club of yours.

You really can't win, you know.

Well, we all have our needs, even you.

It's simply a question of waiting
until the percentages tum in my favor.

I sincerely hope so, Ellias.
Nothing would give me greater pleasure.

- I'll have someone bring you an aspirin.
- Oh, uh...

Funnily enough, my headache
seems entirely to have disappeared.

Amazing.
the therapeutic effect of $10,000.

I shall recommend it to all my friends.

Oh, uh, see that the good doctor
is not disturbed.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

You can make me a tiger's milk and gin.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Hello. Put Maples on.

Right away, sir.

- Vince.
- Yeah?

- Phone.
- Right away.

- Hello.
- Ah, Maples.

Maples, I have just had a little chat
with Dr. Swan.

Ten thousand dollars' worth.

So it wouldn't surprise me
if he were to pay you a little visit.

We'll be waiting for him.

May I help you, please?

I'm in no hurry.

SANDOR:
Thank you.

One dozen jars of Cumberly honey,
ready and wrapped.

Will there be something else, Mr. Mozart?

You know, my deal,
the offer is still open.

- You are very kind, but I am happy here.
- Really?

I wish you'd think it over.

Not only would you make more money
at my dance studio...

...but you--
You would have a chance to blossom.

Do reconsider my little proposal.

And now may I help you, please?

Was that the last of the Cumberly honey?

Yes, but there will be another shipment
tomorrow.

There are only four health-food stores
in town...

...that carry that particular brand.

Mr. Mozart
seems to have cornered the market.

I beg your pardon?

IIIya Kuryakin.

Tavia Sandor.

- I'm with the U.N.C.L.E.
- I'm Hungarian.

I have a strong feeling...

...that you should
reconsider Mr. Mozart's offer of a job...

...as dancing instructress.

MAN 1: Twenty-six.
MAN 2: No more bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Seventeen. Odd. Black.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

MAN 3: Number two.
MAN 4: Number two, yes.

MAN 2:
No more bets, ladies and gentlemen.

MAN 5:
Sixteen the winner, red and even.

- You have a system.
- Theory of probability.

MAN 2:
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

What's your system?

Oh, clean living and a pure heart.

I'll have to try it sometime.

Say, would you be a good guy
and hold my spot while I cash a check?

- Sure.
MAN 2: Thirty-three.

Odd. Black.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

The man on the left of Swan
is an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Dispose of him before he makes contact.

Here?

Why not?

MAN 2:
Thirty.

[BUZZES]

MAPLES:
The man on the left of Swan.

I don't mean to pry, Dr. Swan...

...but you do know
that you're being systematically cheated...

...don't you?

How did you know my name?

Perhaps we could continue this discussion
where there are less distractions.

Do you think that would be possible?

- Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.

- They're compliments of the house.
- No, no, no, I wouldn't think of it.

Boy, when you're winning,
everything is on the house.

- Hey, do you mind?
- No, go ahead.

Everything on 23.

Take my advice, pal.
quit while you're ahead.

MAN 5:
The winner, 23, red.

One too many, I guess.
Some people don't know when to quit.

- Give me a hand, will you?
MAN 2: No more bets.

Perhaps we should have that little chat.

Excuse me.

If you'll just
step to the rear of the casino.

Serves me right for overtipping.

I just hope my husband
doesn't ask me for my paycheck.

Well, this would seem to be
my lucky night.

Let me escort you both home, all right?
Go right ahead.

- While I'm asleep, I'd say.
SOLO: Now, I know you don't know me.

But I've planned the most fantastic evening
you have ever had.

Let me show you
some of our instructresses.

It's a interesting concept,
a lifetime course in dancing...

...but I'm still not sure.

Well, you'd be surprised
at how many doors dancing can open.

Well, that's what I'm counting on.

We do have
some very pretty instructresses.

- So I see.
- Allow me to make a suggestion.

Why don't you take a trial course,
and if you don't like it, well--?

Do I have choice of instructress?

Well, it's a little unorthodox...

...but I think we can make an exception.

Oh, Tavia, dear.
Tavia, come here for a moment.

You seem to have made a conquest
with Mister...?

- Kuryakin.
- Use the private room.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Now--

[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

Would you mind telling me now, please?
What am I doing here?

Well, Plan A
was that you were to come inside...

...establish yourself, and look around.

Then you were to report to me
on what you found out about Mr. Mozart...

...and his honey collection.

So, what have you found out?

Nothing, I have been dancing all morning.

Shut it off.

Foreigners, that's the trouble.
You give them jobs, then they tum on you.

They won't let me look around.
Everyone tells me to stay in the studio.

- So, what do we do now?
- Plan B.

That's where I look around
and you get out of here as fast as possible.

Course, I should like to thank you
for your help.

You mean that's all?

Well, my supervisor will send you a letter
of commendation suitable for framing.

You won't be able to show it to anyone,
because all our correspondence is classified.

[MUSIC STOPS]

WOMAN:
Oh, Tavia.

Mr. Mozart would like to see you
in his office.

- I hope you don't mind my pinch-hitting.
- Not at all.

I must say, you're a very apt student.

You're just making the best of a bad job.

No, I mean it. You're really quite good.

[SPEAKERS CRACKLING]

Uh-oh.

It's the cartridge.

I'm afraid I'm just helpless
when it comes to anything mechanical.

Here's the new cartridge.

My dear EIIias...

...you really ought to see someone
about your fantasies.

Why should Thrush
try to cheat you at roulette?

Why did your man kidnap me?

Maples didn't kidnap you.
He prevented you from being kidnapped.

And why do I now
have to have this chaperone?

Because, my dear friend,
you place too little value on yourself...

...which U.N.C.L.E. obviously does not.

I will not be spied upon
from my own laboratory.

- That man must go.
- That, I am afraid, is out of the question.

You mean I'm virtually a prisoner here
in my own laboratory?

Oh, come now, don't be so melodramatic.

I see it all now.

You, the laboratory, the casino...

All pan of a package
to keep me here under your thumb.

Count your blessings, EIIias.
You have your life and your laboratory.

Don't press your luck.

What I'm trying say to you
as delicately as possible...

...is that you've become expendable.

We have the bees.

And if necessary,
we can bring in our own scientists.

Try to be happy in your work, EIIias.

Call Internal Defense
and have them meet me here at 2:00.

And check on the flight schedule
of those two Washington entomologists.

Well, that'll be all.

Is there any word on IIIya?

No, it seems we've lost touch
with Mr. Kuryakin at Mozart's studio.

Precisely why I called you in.

Well, they probably have got Swan
and his bees in there somewhere.

- I'll close in on them.
- Yes, but go carefully, Mr. Solo.

If those bees get turned loose,
the whole city will be endangered.

- Yes, sir.
- One other thing, Mr. Solo.

Mr. Kuryakin has enlisted the aid
of Ms. Tavia Sandor as dance instructor.

Keep an eye out for her too.

Now, Mr. Kuryakin.

If you will be kind enough
to glance at the table...

...you will observe a blueprint
of U.N.C.L.E. Headquarters, New York.

I am particularly interested in the location
of the alternate ventilating system.

I'm sorry.

Well, perhaps we can find something else
to make you change your tune.

No doubt you're wondering
about this machine.

Let me satisfy your curiosity.

It is electrically operated...

...to produce
any preselected sound frequencies.

The vibrations are set to increase
beyond the range of human hearing...

...into ultrahigh frequency.

The difference
immediately becomes apparent...

...when the sound stops.

At this time,
you will have three minutes...

...before the vibrations
shatter your eardrums.

Of course,
if you wish to change your mind...

...there is a button
at the end of the arm of your chair.

Regard it as a test of endurance,
if you like.

Incidentally.
the record is actually four minutes.

But I'm afraid the poor man who set it
never was quite the same again.

He answers to the name of Fido,
I believe.

There's no necessity
for Tavia to witness this demonstration.

I can...

I can tell her about it later.

Oh, come, come, Mr. Kuryakin,
that's not very sporting of you, is it?

After all, you sent her in here.

And I really think that she deserves
to have her eardrums shattered...

...along with yours.

Oh. You might like to look at that again.

Roy, close down the dance studio
for this afternoon.

Let me know when he changes his mind.
I'll be in the penthouse with Maples.

[WHIRRING]

[HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING]

[RINGING]

[WHIRRING SLOWS]

MOZART:
Have Swan prepare the bees.

Well, I hope
our little game of musical chairs...

...didn't make you too uncomfortable.

You have a quaint sense of humor,
don't you?

Still, it did serve its purpose,
didn't it, Mr. Kuryakin?

I'll show the ventilating system
to U.N.C.L.E. Headquarters...

...if that's what you mean.

You will do better than show me.
You will take me there.

That may not be as easy as it sounds.

Come, come, don't underestimate yourself.
You're a very resourceful chap.

You'll find a way.

Unloose him.

And Miss Sandor?

She stays here, of course.

You realize that if anything goes wrong...

...Miss Sandor
will be in a very awkward position.

IIIya.

The thought never crossed my mind.

[BEES BUZZING]

Why are they making so much racket?

I told you yesterday, we ran out of honey.
You'd do well to feed them.

Oh, they'll survive.

- Are you sure they're enough to do the job?
- More than enough.

Hey, just a minute.

Those are my bees, you can't do that.
Not all of them.

Keep him locked up in here.
I'll check back with you later.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

SWAN:
Guard! Guard!

Look, I know you have orders
to keep me have locked up...

...but I was hoping that somehow...

...we could work out
some sort of accommodation.

After all, it's quite unimportant to you
whether I live...

[BEE BUZZING]

...or die.

- Dr. Swan.
- Oh, the gentleman from the casino.

What do you want? My bees?

I'll start with that.

They're on their way
to your ventilating system.

The other young fellow
is showing them the way.

- How long ago?
- A few minutes.

They took them all, including the queen.
They left only two.

Nobody cares about bees, really.

They're a form of being,
a higher form, really...

...better than our civilization, anyway.

Only one stung the guard,
and only one of us is immune.

Mr. Solo, I can save you
if you'll save my bees.

- I can't promise that.
- I must have my bees.

All right, I'll do what I can.

I believe you.

It is difficult to believe anybody
these days.

Thank you.

They sure go for that stuff, don't they?

[BEEPING]

Well, that must be for the guard.

- And there is a girl in that room.
- That must be Miss Sandor.

- Who are you?
- Well, isn't it obvious?

What is this?

Oh, it is a machine
designed to split your eardrums.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

[GUNSHOTS]

- The machine. Shut it 0”!
- Oh, God.

Security check.

Any problems?

Well done.

You know, when all this is over,
we may be able to find a place for you.

Possibly.

Hold it.

Over there.

The life you save may be mine.

- Having second thoughts?
- Let's get on with it, Mr. Kuryakin.

The bees are getting hungry.

Where are they now?

They're just getting close
to the central control room.

[WHISTLES]

I have everything on standby alert.

We'll see how well Mr. Kuryakin makes out
as he goes along.

Well, here we are.
You can see much better if you stand here.

This operates the electrical system.

That's the emergency radar system
in case of a surprise attack.

Spare me the grand tour.
Where's the ventilating system?

I'm coming to that.

That opens the duct to Transportation.
That's the duct to Waverly's office.

Waverly's office? That will do very nicely.
Open up the duct.

I may point out that Waverly's office
is a self-contained unit.

Letting the bees out there
will gain you practically nothing.

- I will take my chances on that.
- Whatever you say.

That's far enough, Mr. Mozart.

- Put the briefcase down in front of you.
- I am walking out of here.

- I'll open the suitcase.
- Put the briefcase down, Mr. Mozart.

If I open this briefcase,
not only will all of these men die...

...but some of the bees
will probably get out into the city.

All right, Mr. Mozart, go ahead.

Mr. Kuryakin.

I'd like to see you in my office at once.

Well, it's not a very pleasing picture,
gentlemen.

A Thrush operative running around loose
in New York City...

...with a briefcase
full of man-killing bees.

Undoubtedly.
he'll try and get back to Thrush Central...

...where they'll try and bleed the bees.

And that's
precisely what we must prevent...

...now that
Mr. Kuryakin's strategy has failed.

There you are, sir.

No sign of Mozart, I'm afraid.

Continue surveillance.

And let me know
as soon as anything has developed.

I want all transportation centers
thoroughly checked out.

- Yes, sir.
- May I make a suggestion?

- Do you have sonar equipment available?
- Yes.

Then it's simply a question of tracking
the bees by the vibrations of their buzzing.

Instruct your units
to set their frequencies at 1248 cycles.

That will enable them to lock in
on the exact pitch of the bees' vibrations.

Yes, I suppose that might be quite a help.

Just one request, Mr. Waverly.

When you locate Mozart,
I wish to be along.

The bees are mine,
and Mr. Solo has promised me...

...that every effort will be made
to return the bees to me intact.

Mr. Solo,
will you take charge of the sonar detail?

Yes, sir.

Well, what about me, sir?

It's just possible they might try
to get some more of the Cumberly honey...

...to feed the bees with
before they export them.

Well, I'll detail men to cover all of
the health-food stores that carry the honey...

...especially my Miss Sandor.

Yes, it might be rather nice
if you could arrange that, Mr. Kuryakin.

- The helicopter will pick us up at 4:00.
- Good. Is everything else ready?

- Yes, sir.
- Let's be off.

IIIya, it's here.

Cumberly honey.

If Mr. Mozart is aware of the timing
of these deliveries of honey...

...he may move
to any one of the tour stores that stock it.

Channel I, please.

[BEEPING]

- Yes, IIIya?
- The honey has arrived.

- Any sign of Mr. Mozart and his bees?
SOLO: You see anything on that?

Not yet.

- So they are not coming here?
- It doesn't seem that way.

They'll probably throw their business
to one of your competitors.

Keep an eye on this area.

Mozart knows
we can detect him on the ground...

...so my hunch is that he'll probably go up
and try for a helicopter pickup.

- What if he makes the pickup?
- Well, we won't be able to stop him.

By the time we put anything in the air
to intercept him...

...he could've landed in any state...

...and taken a plane to Thrush Central
in Europe.

- All my bees will be lost.
- Well, not completely.

It Thrush gets away with this,
we'll be seeing a lot of them.

There's no need
to be afraid of anything anymore.

You know that, don't you?

MOZART:
Well said, Mr. Kuryakin.

And you know something else?
I believe you.

[GUNSHOTS]

Go!

[SCREAMS]

Up.

And don't bother to follow, Mr. Kuryakin.

Open Channel I.

[BEEPING]

Yes. “Na?

Mr. Mozart just came in here
and made away with the honey...

...and Tavia.

This isn't your day, is it?
I will try and cover for you.

Thanks.

[SONAR BEEPING]

- It's my bees.
- All right, we've got a fix on them.

You're in luck, IIIya.
They're on the other side of town.

I'll let you know how it comes out.

Channel D, please.
This is Sonar 12 to all units.

We're heading for Eighth Avenue.

All units rendezvous immediately.

We are a little early.

There it is.

You're not going anywhere, Mozart.

All right, give it up, Mozart.
They won't land.

Yes, they will,
as soon as you lay down your arms.

And if you don't, I'll release the bees.

You tricked us once with that,
and once is enough.

I mean it.

I'd rather go that way
than have you take me.

I'm sure you can understand that.

Cover me.

You saved us.

Yes, I did, didn't I?

Well, we owe you quite a debt of gratitude,
young lady.

- Thank you very much for all your help.
- Oh, I owe everything to Mr. Kuryakin.

[SOLO CHUCKLES]

Oh.

- We all do.
- Yes.

I,um...

I suppose you have recovered rather well,
Mr. Kuryakin.

- Goodbye, Miss Sandor.
- Goodbye.

SOLO:
I knew you could do it with a little help.

Well, will you
return to your health-food store now?

I don't think anything could be worse
than what I have been through today.

And after all this,
I have certainly nothing to be afraid of.

I think I am ready
for more exciting things.

Uh, such as...?

My own dancing studio.

- And these are worth two free lessons.
- Thank you.

Being able to dance
is very good for your self-confidence...

...you know.

And for you, I have something special.

A lifetime course.

[ENGLISH SDH]