The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Deadly Goddess Affair - full transcript

[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

Effendi. Tabouret for one, effendi?

Two, three, four?

Private booth behind bead curtain
with personnel hubble-bubble?

In a moment.

Ah. Effendi.

Hmm. Marvelous, Malik.

You are a great artist.

Heh. Thank you, effendi.

Colonel Hubris?

This way, please.



Oh! Terribly clumsy. I'm sorry.

You're late, Hamid.

Sony, colonel. It took
much longer to decode than I thought.

Our instructions from Thrush Central.

Open Channel D.

SOLO [OVER RADIO]: Next voice you hear
will be the suund of Colonel Hubris.

Is that sound all right?

[JANGLING OVER RADIO]

There's interference.

WAVERLY:
Sort aliangling.

It's the bracelets of the belly dancer.

SOLO:
I'll Shoo her away.

Gentlemen,
it is my pleasure to inform you...

...Africa is virtually ours.



Thrush is sending immediately
by special courier...

...the complete plans
and $10 million in cash.

But how, colonel, how?

Ah.

The special courier is robot plane
direct from New York.

HUBRIS:
It will fly to my house in the country.

When it is overhead
I trigger it and it ejects...

...and parachutes down a pouch
containing the plans and the money.

Falls into our arms,
the plane blows itself up in mid-air.

Isn't that simple?

Ha-ha. You are a genius.

Trigger the plane, colonel? How?

Mmm.

With this.

The only such device in the entire world.

For once,
we have U.N.C.L.E. flummoxed.

From this moment on, nothing about
our African venture can go awry.

In a matter of weeks,
the continent will belong to Thrush alone.

And that's the device, sir.

Quite a job it was too...

...obtaining the blueprints,
building a duplicate.

It's been a delightful evening.
It's always a pleasure to come here.

- With the compliments of the house.
- Thank you.

Hamid, you really should pay
closer attention to your appearance.

- Effendi?
- Hmm?

That's a microphone, Hamid.

I didn't put it there, colonel.
I don't know where--

Someone must have planted it on me.

[HAMID WHIMPERS]

HUBRIS:
Ohhh.

[MIC CLATTERS]

Too bad.
Now they know we're on to them.

Does this mean
they'll change their plans?

I doubt it.

It's taken months
to set up this operation.

As long as they don't know
we have this...

...I think they'd still believe
they're in no particular danger.

What's happening, Mr. Solo?

There appears to be an altercation.

Oh, Hamid, why did you do it?

Just when I thought I had someone near me
who I could trust.

[[lNHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES]

HUBRIS:
Malik, you know what to do.

Colonel, I swear--

Goodbye, traitor. Enjoy your journey.

They do say
getting there is half the fun.

To reach North Africa,
the robot plane must use this trajectory...

...and begin to descend over this island.

And when it does,
you will be there, with this.

- To bring it down over the island.
- And recover that pouch.

Mr. Solo will join you there.
So proceed with all haste, Mr. Kuryakin.

- And what's the name of the place, sir?
- The Isle of Circe.

And be careful.

Circe, in her own day.
was well known for turning men into swine.

[PIG GRUNTING]

You don't suppose
girls have still do it?

[PIG GRUNTS]

Pa tron -.

That enchantress over there,
is that an old boyfriend?

NAROUZ: Old boyfriend?
- Yeah.

Mia and her sister
cannot even afford new boyfriends.

Their father, the count,
can give them no dowry.

[CHUCKLES]
Dowry.

That's an old European custom
I approve of.

Paying the men to many the girls.

So much poverty, signal.
too much taxes.

[PIG SQUEALING]

Whoa, oh, oh. Ha-ha.
Whoa, oh, oh!

Grazia. Signet. grazie.

What's a nice girl like you
doing with the pig like that?

Ahem. Who'd want a dowry
with a lovely girl like this?

SOLO:
Any American wouldn't ask for a penny.

On the contrary.

[PIG GRUNTING]

- Did I do something wrong or...?
- I do not know, signer.

Mia and her sister Angela
speak perfect English.

It may only have been the shock
of your statement.

The men here would not dream
of marriage without a dowry.

It's a terrible thing to be poor.

If it were not for that,
I would marry them both, myself.

What is this?
Flirting with those strangers.

- I wasn't flirting.
- I saw you.

What did he say to you?
Did he insult you?

He was very nice. He caught the pig.

- You have many police here?
- Oh, no, no, just Luca. He's all alone.

What are they doing here?
Nobody comes to Circe.

He has nothing to do.

- Maybe they're American gangsters.
- They're tourists.

Hey, did you know Americans
don't need dowries to many a girl?

I'd many you
without a dowry any time. Now.

What good does that do?

You know we can't get married
before Angela does.

She's the oldest.

You people on this island
with your ridiculous traditions.

The island has many ruins, signers.
from Roman times.

The famous grotto of Circe
and that temple up there...

...or what's left of it.

NAROUZ: Luca was sent here to stop people
from selling antiques to tourists.

And he has done his job, alas, too well.

Could I show you
the famous grotto down below?

Very beautiful.

Where the Roman empresses
had their parties.

Well, it's a little early
for that sort of thing.

However, up there
we could see everything, couldn't we?

NAROUZ: Oh, no, no.
no one ever goes there, signer.

Except a stray pig or a goat.

Well, I can't think
of more interesting company.

- Can you?
- My favorite.

[MUMBLES]

Thank you, signer.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

It's Mr. Waverly's alert.

SOLO:
Let's take the call in our room.

Let's go.

Now, be careful.

I told them smuggling antiques
on the island was illegal...

...but you may still manage it.

Don't let Luca see that thing,
whatever you do.

- Where are they?
- The room at the head of the stairs.

Now, hurry.

WAVERLY: The robot plane was dispatched
an schedule.

It should be over the island at 1300 hours,
your time. Understand that?

Right, 1300, sir.

We're tracking it every inch of the way.

If there's the slightest divergence,
I'll let you know.

Right, sir.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Yes?
- Please, may I show you something, yes?

A guaranteed antique
from the grotto of Circe. Very special.

ILLYA:
We're just going out. Another time.

COUNT: What other time?
ILLYA: This evening.

But in the evening,
the carabinieri is here.

It is very lovely, I show you.

- It's Circe herself. With pigs.
- Yes, I'm sure.

It's most lifelike but later. Excuse me.

[SIGHS]

MIA: Papa. Papa, are you there?
- Yes, yes.

What have you been doing, Papa?
I looked everywhere for you.

Oh, Papa. Not again.

What if Luca should see you?
Put it back in the grotto.

[QUIETLY]
Yeah.

It's nearly time.

Let's get over in the ruins.
We'll be out of sight there.

[ILLYA READING GRAFFITI]

It seems that even the Romans
were defeated by their own grammar.

“Killroy loves Gina.“ Oh, that's better.

[RADIO TUNING]

I think we've stumbled
on the local lover's lane.

Just as long as they don't
start leveling now, it'll be all right.

Aha. I was right.

That equipment.
They are smugglers. They are.

They're probably signaling a boat.

“ Baudoin loves Berengaria.“

But that must date from the Crusades.

I never thought these boys
got this far south.

As any girl can testify,
boys get everywhere.

My first arrest.

Now maybe I get promotion
instead of being transferred.

And we can be married.

No. There is still Angela.

I can't many before her.
She's the oldest.

We cannot wait forever on Angela.
She'll never find a suitor.

[BLEEPING]

- Yes?
- Mr. Solo?

You may begin your countdown
at the number 25, as I give you the signal.

WAVERLY: At zero,
the plane should be over your position.

At that moment. press the trigger.

- You ready?
SOLO: Yes.

Twenty-seven, 26.

Twenty-five, 24, 23, 22...

[BEEPING]

Eighteen,17...

It's a man like me, Luca.
who doesn't care about money...

...who would marry a girl
without a dowry.

Fifteen,14...

Oh, Mia, I worship you.

Only a man who doesn't need a dowry.

Yes, you are right.

Come, Luca. Come and do your duty
as an officer of the law.

Arrest those men, now.
But gently, my darling, be gentle.

[AIRCRAFT APPROACHING]

- Twelve, 11, 10, nine, eight--
- Whoops.

LUCA: Hands up, smugglers.
You are under arrest.

[LUCA AND ILLYA GRUNTING]

- Three, two--
- Ah!

[EXPLOSION]

- It's gone.
- What?

It's gone. The plane has disappeared.

- It can't disappear, effendi.
- It has disappeared.

Ten million dollars lost at sea.

No, look, effendi, look.
It disappeared overland.

- There's no land there.
- Yes, yes, there is. Look, look, effendi.

It is the island of Circe.

- The island of Circe?
- Yes, yes, an accident. But there's still a--

No.

That was no accident.

That was done on purpose.

By whom?

U.N.C.L.E.

Prisoners, halt.

The first jail I've seen
bedecked with flowers.

Thrush is going to be landing any minute.

We've got to find that pouch
before they do.

[UNLOCKING DOOR]

[MOUTHS WORDS]

Left face.

Forward march.

At the cafe, I heard you say
Americans don't believe in dowries.

You would marry without one?

I'm sorry, we're only allowed to give
our name, rank, and serial number.

You do believe in marriage?

In moderation.

Why? Is this a proposal?

Exactly. We need a husband.

Both of you? That's bigamy.

It is my sister
who is desirous of marrying.

And we propose she have her choice
of either one of you.

She has her choice? What about us?

You'll do as you're told
or you'll never be heard of again.

I don't argue with city hall.

WOMAN: Mia?
- Shh. Not a word.

Take down your hands. Luca, the gun.

Oh. Guests. Why didn't you tell me?
The way I look.

Well, you look perfectly charming,
signorina.

How do you do?

Napoleon Solo, signorina.

[WHISPERS]
At your service.

Huh? Oh. Uh, at your" Ahem.
At your service.

IIIya Kuryakin. Likewise.

Won't you please sit down?
May I offer you--?

Angela, the gentlemen
are in a terrible hurry.

They have something to say to you.

- We do?
- To me?

Go ahead, gentlemen. Don't be shy.

Uh-- Yes. Ahem.

Mr. Kuryakin and I
have come all the way from America.

Looking for something.

What could we have on the island of Circe
that you do not have in America?

They are here looking for a wife, Angela.

LUCA: Yes, they came to me and they said,
“We want a wife.“

A good, simple woman
of noble parentage.

LUCA:
And I said I know just the girl.

That's why they are here, Angela.
They seek your hand in marriage.

Which one will you take?

Uh-- Heh.

[HUBRIS WHISTLES]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[COINS JINGLING]

Pa tron -.

- Colonel Hubris, yes?
- Yes, we will be five.

I have just received your wire.

The entire top floor
is at your disposal, colonel...

...except for one room,
rented to the Americans.

Americans?

Oh, it will not disturb you, colonel.
I'm sure of it.

Americans.

What did I tell you, Malik?

MALIK: These Americans, hmm?
NAROUZ: Yes.

Friends of yours?

Yes.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

I hope you won't forget
that this is an island...

...and that you can't leave
without my knowing it.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

My sister has made up her mind, gentlemen,
to many one of you.

I'm not sure.

We don't know one another.
Marriage is a serious step.

We should take time
to get to know one another's interests--

SOLO:
We agree, completely.

As they say.
wed in haste, repent at leisure.

Do they not also say,
never do tomorrow what you can do today?

But I never dreamt
I'd have a choice of suitors.

It is difficult to decide such a thing
on the spur of the moment.

You've had 15 minutes.

Well, I do have to think of our family.

Please, Angela. Don't be a fool.

MIA: There may never be
another chance like this.

He does seem very sincere.

And I do think Mr. Solo
would make a good father.

Oh, he would.

I must admit that beside Mr. Napoleon Solo,
I am a reckless flibbertigibbet.

Well, may I be the first
to congratulate both of you.

You are not offended?

When the better man has won? Oh.

How could I be?

MIA:
Good. A double wedding.

You and Mr. Solo. Luca and myself.
Immediately? Yes.

But Papa, he must give
his consent and the priest.

- I will find Papa.
- And I will find a priest.

And my trousseau,
I cannot get it ready--

Angela, be honest.

You know your trousseau
has been ready for years.

ANGELA [CHUCKLES]:
Yes, I know.

Uh-- Very well then.

- Tomorrow?
- If you like, tomorrow.

And my congratulations to both of you.

Now, my friend and I will repair
to the nearest bistro...

...and have a drink
to your happiness and his.

See you in church, Mr. Solo.

Don't leave a stone unturned.
Not a pebble.

Find them and bring them
back here alive.

With the pouch.

We hear and obey, effendi.

Live 10,000 years.

Hmm.

It must have dropped here.

Now, we stood there...

...and the plane burst into flames there.

- The parachute.
- What?

The parachute.

The pouch must have dropped
somewhere nearby.

In the water?

[CHUCKLES]

Effendi, the other one must be dead.

The cliff is high
and the rocks below, they're sharp.

Why didn't you bring me the corpse?

MALIK:
Effendi, what good is a dead man?

You have plenty of those at home.

And if you haven't, I can always make one.
It's no trouble.

The pouch, Mr. Solo,
what have you done with the pouch?

Well, I was looking for it
when your friends interrupted my search.

- Where did you find them?
- On the edge of the cliff.

Probably fell in the sea, by now.
The tide swept it out, I'd say.

Hmm.

You have not done well this time,
little Malik.

Effendi.

Well, we will search.

Take me there.

- Effendi?
- Yes.

Should I slit his throat now?

[SNIFFS]

Mmm-- No.

No, this one we brainwash Thursday.

I'm curious to see what's inside.

We have a special detergent for brains
of U.N.C.L.E. agents, Mr. Solo.

In no time,
you'll come out squeaky clean.

[CHUCKLES]

As long as you don't hang me out
on the line to dry.

[CHUCKLES]
Hang.

Hanging is old-fashioned.

The new department
is entirely in Malik's charge.

He's not only an artist
at peeling an orange...

...he's an absolute genius
at cutting a man down to size.

About that size.

Effendi, sometimes even smaller.

[MUTTERS]

[CHUCKLES]

Don't let him belittle you, Mr. Solo.

A bientfit.

[LAUGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Narouz? Narouz? Could you change me
this little bill please.

[WHISPERS]
A million lira? Where did you get this?

[NORMAL VOICE]
Good afternoon, colonel.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You found some foolish stranger
to buy that figurine?

No, no, no, no.

- You didn't steal it?
- A Conagio steal?

I'll get someone else
to change it for me.

Good luck. Maybe you could lend me
a few thousand lira, yes?

I have a tip on an excellent horse
in the filth race at Alexandria.

Count.

[SIGHS]

[WATER SPLASHING]

[COMMUNICATOR BEEPING]

[CLEARING THROAT, COUGHING]

Oh.

I'm sorry. Don't let me disturb you. Heh.

I'm allergic to oranges.
They give me the shivers.

[SOLO SIGHS, SNIFFS]

You're very skillful
with that long, dangerous knife.

You practice a lot?

I always practice a lot...

...especially when I'm about to carve
someone up in the near future.

Huh. Oh, you wouldn't to carve me up,
would you?

MALIK:
Why not?

[CLEARS THROAT]

In fact,
I think it might be rather interesting...

...because of your excellent musculature,
Mr. Solo.

Well, that's actually
mostly my tailor's doing.

Ha-ha-ha. Your tailor?
Ha-ha-ha. That's funny.

Heh-heh-heh.
That's funny, Mr. Solo.

But I know better.

No, my only problem now
is a technical one. Where to begin?

I wish you wouldn't point
that sharp knife at me?

MALIK:
Are you afraid, Mr- Sofa?

But I thought all U.N.C.L.E. men
were brave.

Well, I'm a throwback.

Besides, there's not only you,
there's fatso there dozing in the chair.

And the gentleman outside
in the hall, with a gun.

Oh, Mr. Solo, he is not a gentleman.

But it is a gun.

Well, it's enough
to make any man nervous.

Especially with my friend dead
and unable to rescue me. Ahem.

I'll go find Luca. He is a carabinieri,
he can take care of whatever it is.

He can't. There's too many of them
and there isn't enough time.

Why would anyone want
to threaten Mr. Solo?

Yes, we never have crime on this island.

Luca has been stationed here
for two years...

...and he's not arrested a living soul.

I just don't believe you.

MIA:
You're making it up.

Very well.

I didn't want to tell you
the whole truth...

...but Mr. Solo is in that hotel room,
threatened by those men...

...because of a...

A woman.

- A woman?
- What woman?

A girl from Taormina.

And she told her father and her brothers,
five of them, that Mr. Solo had...

Now they have him under lock and key,
a gun at his head.

They're gonna take him to Taormina
and force him to...

Well, he won't be able to many you,
signorina, if they succeed.

What do you want us to do?

No.

Here.

Something heavy has been dragged here.

The pouch.

Signor, signer, excuse me for a moment.

I am Count Conagio.
Would you do a small favor for me?

Please, not now. I'm busy. Forgive me.

It's just simply to change
this little bank note.

We have no change in our village.

I thought a gentleman like--
It's perfectly legitimate, I'm sure.

- It crackles.
- You...

You took it.

- Signor.
- What did you do with the pouch?

Signor.

- Where is he?
- Keep your voice down.

Where is my poor fiancé?

Remember, all you came to do
is change the beds.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

What do you want?

The linens, signer.
We've come to change the bed.

They don't need changing.
We just got here.

It was not changed from the last time.
You would not want to get sick.

Sick?

GUARD:
Malik?

What is it?

The maids wanna know
if you've had mumps.

MALIK: Mumps?
GUARD: Or should she put on fresh sheets?

MALIK: Have I had what?
ANGELA: Mumps, signer?

Uh-- You know?

ANGELA: The man who was in here before,
he was so ill.

His face was swollen
like a ripe watermelon.

[GRUNTS]

[THUD]

Leave him to me.

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[VASE BREAKS]

[GRUNTS]

[CLATTERING]

What is going on? What is this?

- What have you done to me?
- They're terrible men.

How could you let people
like that in here?

ILLYA:
I found the pouch in the grotto.

It was empty. No money, no papers.

Well, $10 million is enough
to tempt anyone.

Ten million?

SOLO:
The question is, who was tempted?

Ten million. Count Conagio.

MIA: Father?
- He had a million-lira note. I saw it myself.

- Where else could he get it?
- All right, girls. Let's go find him.

Now, you took this million-lira note
out of this pouch?

- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.

Now, what did you do with the rest of it?

I don't remember. I can't remember.

Mr. Solo.

- We know where Papa is.
- Where?

Some fisherman saw him go
into the grotto with some men.

- Where the pouch is.
- We've got to find a boat and go.

No telling what those men
could be doing to him.

- This fisherman? You know him?
- All our lives. He wouldn't lie.

- Please, Mr. Solo, hurry.
- You go in. I'll wait out here.

- All right.
- Hurry, please.

Papa?

Papa?

MIA:
Papa. There, hurry.

Papa. Papa, what is it? What happened?

HUBRIS:
He's a stubborn fellow.

It's a problem with old people.
Maybe you'll have more luck.

I don't want to seem melodramatic...

...and I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable
because you're a really nice fellow.

But unless you tell me what you've done
with the rest of the money...

...I'm going to drown your daughters.

- Who are you?
- Please, darling, no irrelevant questions.

In the first place, they're rude, in the
second place, I wouldn't answer anyway.

HUBRIS:
No.

Mr. Solo, naughty, naughty.

HUBRIS:
Gentlemen.

As you can see, Mr. Solo,
we are not alone.

So you escaped
the good Malik's knife, huh?

- You can't get away with this.
- No?

Oh.

Why? You've got the grotto surrounded?

[CHUCKLES]

What a delicious surprise.

Let the girls and the old man go.
They had nothing to do with this.

Oh. Mr. Solo, please.
a little more lightness in your speeches.

Such clichés.

Any minute, you're going to say
they went that way, I know it. Heh.

But I don't remember,
I don't know where anything is.

I would tell you if I knew.

I have often heard that avarice
is a prevalent sin with old age...

...but I never thought I'd live to see it.

Gentlemen, nature seems to have
provided us...

...with the most convenient well.

Which the rising tide
should fill quite quickly.

Perhaps an old watering place
for Circe's pigs.

- Put them in there.
- What do you want with him?

He doesn't know anything.
We're poor people. We have nothing.

On the contrary,
as Mr. Solo will tell you himself...

...at the moment,
you are very rich people.

- There are few richer.
- Aah!

[WATER SPLASHING]

Jack and Jill went up the MN
To fetch a pail of water

I thought you knew more
than you were telling.

Please, signal, I do nothing wrong.
I'm only a poor Lebanese orphan.

In your world,
nobody does anything wrong.

It's just how much can you get away with
without being caught, isn't it?

[GRUNTING]

Well, now you're caught, Narouz.
so talk.

It's only that taxes are so high
and life is hard.

You're a smuggler.

Smuggling is strictly against the law, signal.
I am a most law-abiding citizen Ah.

Now, count.

Where did you get this?

I told you. I got it from there.

Good.

But the rest of it, count.

The important part of it, count.

What did you do with that, count?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Take your time.

It won't be long, Mr. Solo,
before the tide will be up to your chin.

Oh, that's too bad.

By that time,
the young ladies will be drowned...

...won't you, young ladies?

Mr. 209, on the off chance
the old gentleman...

...concealed everything at the villa...

...you run up there and give it
a quick inspection, then send Malik here.

By that time,
our friend either will have talked or...

[MAKES CLICKING SOUND]

And you stash your loot around here
somewhere, don't you?

I know of this place only
from gossip, signer.

[GRUNTING]

It leads directly into the roof
of Circe's grotto.

I thought $10 million
would be attractive to you.

But he can't remember.

Often I go all over the island
searching for him...

...because he can't even find
his own house.

Such a rocky island.
It must be hard on your feet.

Hubris, you're a monster.

You did not come here
to marry me, then?

I'm sorry. No.

There will be high tide
in Nova Scotia in 15 minutes.

But that doesn't help us, does it?

This thing he is after...

...it is a great fortune.

And a greater evil.

That's why I'm here. To stop that.

Yes, it must be evil. I see that.

But you are not.

Heh. How's the old memory doing, count?

Anything stirring?

- No.
- All light, take your time.

- That leads to the grotto?
- I only wanted to help.

- Yourself. I understand.
- They are in danger. This is the way out.

They are my friends.

With a friend like you,
who needs an enemy?

The count and his daughter
are my friends.

Step carefully.
There's a column at the end.

It is full of cigarettes.
It is worth a fortune.

[WATER SPLASHING]

Maybe a little shock
to shake out the cobwebs, huh?

[COUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[GUNSHOTS]

You know, count.
even if you don't remember...

...it's worth it to have all this fun.

Ah. Business life is so stultifying.

I haven't had an afternoon like this--

Sweetheart,
you better stand in your tip toes.

Pretty soon you won't be able
to hear a thing I say.

[LAUGHING]

[CRASH]

That's where I hid it.
In Narouz's hiding place...

...with the cigarettes.

[WOMEN COUGHING]

[MEN GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Do you also sing “O Sole Mic“?

Here is the pouch,
and all the papers I could find, signer.

I wish there were more.

I'm sure they'll be enough to put
many people behind bars for along time.

Thank you.

I wish I could tell you how grateful
I am to you for having done all this.

Especially for letting the count
have the money.

Well, after all, he did find it.

The law of flotsam and jetsam
and all that.

Why does this all mean so much to you?

But, signer, now signorina Angela
has a dowry a princess would envy.

- So?
NAROUZ: So.

I need no longer conceal
the great admiration...

...I have long cherished for the signorina.

NAROUZ:
Uh-- She has done me the honor to say yes.

You're going to many Angela?

NAROUZ: This afternoon. As soon as Luca
puts the prisoners aboard ship.

A double wedding.

I am so happy, signers.

Bon voyage, colonel.

Well, thank you, Mr. Solo.

Well, you have won and I have lost.

Fortunes of war, colonel.

Yes.

But the goddess of fortune
is a notoriously fickle female, gentlemen.

Until the next time, colonel.

Till next time, Mr. Solo.

LUCA:
Forward march.

[ENGLISH SDH]