The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Gazebo in the Maze Affair - full transcript

EMORY: Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry.
- No, it was my fault. Allow me.

I really don't know why
I'm always in such a hurry.

This city does it to me.
All this rushing about.

It might be the big
push all over again.

Oh, there's my bus. Excuse me, I
must catch my bus. Thank you so much.

Sir, your book.

- Excuse me.
- I beg your pardon.

Your book.

Oh, well, hello.

Yes. It's a very rare
print. You're very kind.

- You're welcome. Goodbye.
- Just a moment.



-Don't I know you
from somewhere? _I__

Of course, the Nottingham guards.
Don't you remember the trek to the desert?

All that mucky heat and the
crawling insects boring into your skin?

- I don't think so.
- Let me jolt your memory.

I wore a heard in those days.

Some other time. I
really must get off here.

You mustn't go
yet, Mr. Kuryakin.

- Good show.
- My apologies, sir.

- I didn't want to be so crude.
- Nonsense.

You would've made noncommissioned
officer in no time at all in the regiment.

- Thank you, sir.
- He would never have made it.

- Where to, sir?
- Home, James.

Mr. Kuryakin's late. He
should have been here by 3.

I saw his car parked out in
from when I came in an hour ago.



[PHONE BEEPING]

Must be somewhere
in the building.

-Yes? WOMAN [ON
PHONE]: Security for Mr.-Solo.

Come in.

Yes, what is it?

This came for Mr. Solo.

Someone left it at the Del
Floria. Said it was urgent.

Oh, it's all right. It's been
checked in Demolition.

- It's Illya's identification card.
- Mm-hm.

There's a button here on back
of the bird. It activates a recorder.

EMORY [ON RECORDING]: Oh,
to be in England now that Illya's here.

Seven years of plenty,
seven years of lean.

On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me

A partridge in a
pear tree That's it.

Didn't the scanners notice
anything unusual in the area?

Here.

An English bus?

The Eastsnout Express.

Oh, I talked with Reception.
Mr. Kuryakin never checked in.

All right, thank you.

Earned seven years ago.

Partridge.

Remember?

Oh, yes.

Yes, Emory Partridge.

He was the fellow who took
the Latin American country...

and turned it into
a feudal state.

Yes. He completely
controlled the country.

- I thought you reported him dead.
- No, no, no. Missing.

After we cleaned out his operation
he disappeared into the rainforest.

Few people go in there
and no one ever comes out.

Apparently your
Mr. Partridge may have.

If anyone could,
Mr. Partridge would.

So apparently he has kidnapped
Illya and is summoning me into the trap.

You'd better follow
through on this, Mr. Solo.

If it is Partridge, let's close
the file on him once and for all.

See if you can manage to
bring Mr. Kuryakin back with you.

Yes, I'm certain Illya would
very much appreciate the gesture.

Welcome to
Eastsnout, Mr. Kuryakin.

This lovely countryside and the unspoiled
hills beyond for 20 miles are all mine.

I'll hold my applause
till later if you don't mind.

You know, I like to think
of this as my fiefdom...

and the people think
of me as their squire.

The people in Eastsnout
appreciate what I've done for them.

And they're grateful. They
may not come out and say so...

but in their hearts, they know.

- It all sounds very reassuring.
- Yes.

We know what freedom
really means here.

Of course, you'll have
to take my word for it.

Home, James.

Emory. I didn't expect
you until this evening, dear.

- Did you have a good trip?
- Splendid.

-And you look well, my
dear. EDITH: Thank you.

You know, we have a most
distinguished houseguest.

Mr. Kuryakin, welcome to
Porlock Hall. This is my wife, Edith.

Mr. Kuryakin, it's
so nice to have you.

And you're just in time for tea.
Won't you join us in the study?

I would like to walk Mr. Kuryakin
about a bit before I show him to his room.

Then you'll join us for dinner.

I'm afraid Mr. Kuryakin
will be tied up this evening.

Oh, well, perhaps another time.

EMORY: This way, Mr. Kuryakin.

As you can see,
we've tried to keep

everything just as it
was in Cromwell's day.

Of course, there's electricity.

The former tenants put it in and
we haven't had time to tum it out yet.

Well, we never use it
ourselves. Thank you.

Come over here. Now...

you'll never believe this...

but this part of the house
was built in the year 1530.

And although I've
never seen it myself...

they say that the ghost of the first
Earl of Eastsnout still lurks in the house.

The story goes that
his jealous stepmother...

took the traditional family sword and
skewered him right here in this hallway.

I still have the sword over
the fireplace in my study.

The Earl must feel right
at home here. Very secure.

I never thought of it that way myself.
Would you like to see the gardens?

Jenkins, this is Mr. Kuryakin. He's
going to be staying with us for a while.

Yes, sir.

- Any trouble?
- Oh, not really, sir.

Just one of the wolves must've
broken out of the wolf house.

I think he's gone into the maze.

We'll have to keep our eyes open.
You'd better come along with us.

I thought I saw Mr. Partridge
walking in the maze...

with a stranger.

Oh, it must be that nice, young
man with the awkward name.

A charming fellow.

He was very, son
of, physical-looking...

in an unusual way.

Why are they taking
him into the maze?

I believe he's a friend of Mr. Partridge.
Just showing him the grounds, I suppose.

Could I have my tea now?

Well, now, Mr. Kuryakin,
here we are.

Right in the very
center of the maze.

Not more than 150 feet from
the house as the crow flies.

- Rather inspired, wouldn't you say?
- Remarkable.

Go ahead, Jenkins.

After you, Mr. Kuryakin,
and please watch your step.

I don't want to be
responsible for any accidents.

Now, you wait here, Jenkins.

Light the torch, Forrest.

This is one of my favorite little
hideaways at Pollock Hall. Thank you.

Gives one a sense of
continuity with the past.

Something to hang
on to. Come on.

ILLYA: Every home should
have a recreation room.

I'm so glad you feel that way.

You'll be staying here for a
while, and I do want you to enjoy it.

Very foolhardy of him.
Forrest, go and fetch him.

[GROWLING]

Would you like for
me to open the gate?

[GROWLING]

No, that's not necessary, thank
you. I'll consider myself captured.

This is really very
bad form, Mr. Kuryakin.

You should never try to go
through this maze by yourself.

There are devilish
devices scattered around.

Jenkins has done a magnificent
job in keeping them fully operational.

Thank you, sir.

I'll see it I can catch
that other little animal.

Now, come along, Mr. Kuryakin.
Let's move along in an orderly manner.

After you.

Well, I can tell you one thing,
he's certainly no gentleman.

I hope you don't mind.

- Any friend of yours is a...
- That's the ticket. Keep your spirits up.

We don't want you
moaning about all night.

Now, hurry up, Forrest. We
must prepare for Mr. Solo's arrival.

Come on, man.

That's it. Good day.

[WINGS FLAPPING]

[BATS SCREECHING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
8. CHAINS CLANGING]

You expecting anyone?

[CREAKING]

SOLO: Good morning.

- May I help you?
- Aye.

- You have a taxi here, sir?
- Nay.

I'm on my way to Eastsnout.

Nobody in their right mind ever
takes a journey to Eastsnout.

Well, you may
have a point there...

They say there are dark
goings-on at Eastsnout.

Well, I'm sorry to hear
that. Nothing chronic, I hope.

Is there anybody around here
who could give me a lift there?

At your service, sir.

Are you?

I'm to drive you directly
to Porlock Hall, sir.

- I see. Mr. Partridge sent you.
- The car is over here, sir.

Well, thank you
for your foresight.

[INHALES]

Good help's a little
hard to find these days.

[CHUCKLES]

American tourist.

[CHATTERING]

Good afternoon.

Well, don't let me
interrupt your dart game.

I wondering if someone here
might give me some information.

Sir, perhaps you might be able to
give me the directions to Porlock Hall?

I see.

Sir, perhaps you might be able to
tell me how to get to Porlock Hall.

You see, I have some
personal business there.

And I don't mind telling you
that I have the distinct feeling...

that you'll keep it to yourself.

SOLO: Hm.

Say, that's very good.

Oh.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Forepaugh.
- Afternoon, Miss Peggy.

I'm afraid I have to ask
for the monthly account.

Oh, yes. Well, I got
them all ready for you.

Please explain to the squire that
business has fallen all quite a bit.

Pardon me, Miss, but you seem
to be the only one around here...

who speaks the language.

Could you possibly tell me
how to get to Porlock Hall?

No.

I'll tell him, Mr. Forepaugh.

Goodbye.

Well, that doesn't
appear too difficult to beat.

Well, what do you
know about that?

Gentlemen...

cheers.

PEGGY: Psst!

You know, that's the nicest
thing anyone's said to me all day.

- My name is Napoleon Solo.
- Peggy Dunance.

Why do you want
to go to Porlock Hall?

Well, a friend of
mine is staying there.

- Mr. Kuryakin?
- That's the one, yes.

Can you show me
how to get there?

No.

Thank you for the lift.

Get in. Get in quick. The man
will be here shortly to open the gate.

Are you a friend
of the squire's?

No. In all honesty, I
can say that I'm not.

Now, where are you
keeping Mr. Kuryakin?

In the dungeon.

- How do I get there?
- There's an entrance through the maze.

But you'd better
not try to go in there.

The squire has it loaded
with traps and things.

I suppose that's
the only entrance.

Oh, no. No, there are several
passageways throughout the house.

The squire himself doesn't
even know about some of them.

How do you feel about
the squire? Specifically.

Squire Partridge is a
terrible man, Mr. Solo.

He bought up all the land
of those that would sell...

and bought up all the
notes of those who wouldn't.

He controls
everyone in Eastsnout.

What about you?

I lived here with Father.
He was the gamekeeper.

Until he had that terrible
accident that killed him.

I stayed on as sort of a
companion to Mrs. Partridge.

She's a very dear person, but I'm
really quite terrified of the squire.

I guess that's
why I haven't left.

Peggy, I'll make
a bargain with you.

If you take me to Mr. Kuryakin, I
will rid the village of the squire...

and take you to London.

- You'|| do all that?
- I'll do all that.

It's a fair exchange, isn't it?

Oh, duck.

I'll meet you upstairs.

It's the first door at the
end of the hall to your right.

I'll go first to see
if it's all clear.

That's got it, dear.

My, what have we here.

Another young man.

- Is he yours?
- No, Ma'am.

You may go now, Peggy.

Put that gun away, dear boy.

Come and have some tea with me.

That's very kind of you, but
there's a passage out of this room.

- Would you direct me to it, please?
- Oh.

I just might do that.

After we talk a bit.

I'm very lonely, you know.

Well, I'm sorry. But
I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Young men are always in a hurry.

In South America, people have
learned to conserve themselves.

Emery and I had our own little
country there a few years back.

Oh, I loved it so. The
parties, the military balls...

all those young men in
their sparkling uniforms.

Have you ever danced the rumba?

[STRUMS HARP]

I'm sorry, but I'm forced
to insist. Where is it?

Only if you'll promise
to come to dinner.

I'm looking forward to it.

All right, then.

But be here at 8 sharp.

I'm forced to retire rather
early these days, you know.

I haven't been feeling quite the same
since that awful rainforest business.

Oh, wait a moment.

Here.

Take this.

Thank you.

Remember, be here at 8.

[RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, well, well. Look
who's here. Mr. Solo.

You surprised me.

Just like old times.

I hope you don't mind
my dropping in like this.

Caught me completely
off guard, didn't you?

You know, I always felt you
had a rather middle-class mind...

but this is very well done.

Well, that's very flattering.
Now, shall we visit Mr. Kuryakin?

I'm afraid Mr. Kuryakin will
have to wait for a few minutes...

because I want to
explain my plan to you.

I think you'll appreciate it.

Do sit down

It won't bite you.

You know, ever since your organization
spoiled things for me in South America...

I've been planning my revenge...

in a way that no
one ever has before.

First of all...

Mr. Kuryakin-.

Then.“

you come to roost.

I have plenty of
branches left, you see.

Enough, possibly, for all
of U.N.C.L.E. Who knows.

That's all very intriguing, but
aren't you overlooking something?

Yes, I did overlook
something. I forgot to mention...

that you are going to make a
call and summon your superior.

You see, the next bird
to come to Porlock...

will be Mr. Waverly.

I see you've come to rescue me.

Wait till you hear my plan.

Hm.

Who's your roomie?

Superman.

They certainly make it easier
for you fellas these days.

Why, back in the Sudan, my
regiment had to send out a runner...

and we'd never be sure whether
the bloke would make it or not.

EDITH: Emory.

Hello, Edith.

So this is where you're
keeping our nice, young men.

I suspected as much.

Now, come on, Mr. Solo,
show some breeding. Cooperate.

Call your Mr. Waverly
and summon him here.

Some other time.

What is it, Emory?

I tell you, Edith,
I'm in a bit of a spot.

I want this Mr. Solo to call his
superior, and he's being a bit obstinate.

- And you want me to persuade him for you.
- Yes, that's what I had in mind, yes.

Get you out of another fix. Do the
hard part for you. Make you look good.

I don't want to go into
all of that now, Edith.

- You can't quite manage alone, can you?
- Edith, please just do it.

- Don't I always?
- Yes.

- You old dear.
- Thank you.

Jenkins, you come along
back to the house with me.

Forrest, you stay here with Mrs. Partridge.
Mr. Solo, I do hope you'll reconsider.

- So long, Edith.
- Goodbye, dear.

Bye.

Certainly in a state
of disrepair, isn't it?

Oh, you look so uncomfortable.

I hope you don't catch
your death of cold in here.

Forrest, light a fire.

We would be a little more comfortable if
you asked your man to release these chains.

I would like nothing
more, but I'm afraid

it would make Mr. Partridge
very displeased.

Unless, of course, Mr. Solo
would change his mind...

and make his little
business call for him.

No, I'm sorry. It's really
against company policy.

Oh, you're such a nice young man,
Mr. Solo. Please, make your call.

And then we could all spend
some time together in my parlor.

Well, that's very
inviting, but...

What a shame.

Very well, then.

-Undo his chains, Forrest.
FORREST: Yes, madam.

Oh, please give me the gun.

Ah-ah!

As I recall, you have to
pull this triggering device.

That's it.

Well, I didn't realize you
were quite so capable.

How do you think that I got
Emory out of that awful rainforest?

Come along, you naughty boy.

Get on the rack.

Somehow, I have the distinct feeling
that you're more talented than I imagined.

Come on. Upsy-daisy.

FORREST: Upsy-daisy.

EDITH: And make
him snug, Forrest.

Oh, this really is a disgrace.

If you were my boy, I
shouldn't let you run about...

getting into such
a mess as this.

Are you ready, Forrest?

Can you tum the rack?

[RACK CLANKING]

[RACK CLANKING]

Let me know when you're
ready to comply, dear.

SOLO [GRUNTING]: Yeah.

Oh, this is much better.

And this will be for
our other young friend.

Strike while the
iron's hot, they say.

You really don't need
to go to all that bother.

EDITH: You see?

Now...

[GASPS]

Oh, Emory. You
gave me quite a start.

This little minx has
been spying on you.

What an unladylike
thing to do, Peggy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Solo. I
was only trying to help you.

It's all very clear to me now.

She helped Solo
sneak into the hallway...

and this passage. She didn't
tell me anything about that.

It's several minutes quicker
than going through the maze.

- You're trying to disrupt everything?
- That's not half of what I'd like to do.

Peggy. show a little respect.

And I always thought you
were such a dear, sweet lady.

Well, I should hope so.

I don't like her. Forrest,
chain her to the wall.

Now then, Mr. Solo.

Let's make that call.
We're wasting time.

I was just beginning
to feel comfortable.

We'll see about that. I
resent having to do this.

My deepest sympathy.

Here, dear, let me.

- A woman's touch, you know.
- All right.

Well?

Well?

[GRUNTING] Yes, I think I'm
beginning to feel something.

I'm beginning to lose patience.

- Lend me your poker.
- Now, be careful, dear. That's very hot.

EMORY: I know.

I'm going to see how much of
a gentleman you are, Mr. Solo.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to test
Mr. Solo's breeding.

PEGGY: Don't. Please don't.

I don't think I'm
going to mind this.

These wenches are all alike.

We had to deal with a
lot of them in the army.

And don't think I don't know what
you've been trying to do to me.

Flaunting yourself about the
place, trying to catch my fancy.

But it won't do you any
good. You can't have me.

No, no, Emory. You don't just
wave a poker about like that.

You move in slowly, like this.

- You see?
- Stop, please.

All right, I'll make the call.

- Hold it, Edith. Hold it.
- What is it, dear?

Mr. Solo has agreed
to make the call.

Good show, Mr. Solo. I
didn't think you had it in you.

Forrest, release him.

- Thank you, my dear.
- Good show, darling.

I believe they have March
hares in the garden too.

Well, you certainly took
your time getting here.

I rang several minutes ago.

- We looked in here...
- Never mind, never mind.

There's an outlet here
that you can use. Wires...

Now, tell Mr. Waverly to
come at once, and alone.

Overseas relay.
Pattern six, code one.

Takes a second. Has to
bounce off the Telstar satellite.

- You know?
- Oh.

Hello.

SOLO: This is Solo here, sir.

Ah, yes. Yes, Mr. Solo. Yes,
let me have your report, please.

Yes, I've made contact with
Mr. Partridge and he wishes to negotiate...

but he wants to talk to you personally.
- What do you recommend?

Well, I always say
a bird in the hand...

Now I think it's time
to give him the bird.

What the devil are you
talking about, Mr. Solo?

I don't think I can
free Illya myself.

You'd better come and
size up the situation.

All right.

All right, if you feel it's
necessary, I'll come at once.

Yes, and he has extensive
security. So you'd better come alone.

Meet me at the Eastsnout
station tomorrow at 3.

Goodbye, sir.

Well, you've been reasonably
cooperative, Mr. Solo...

and so I'll relieve you
of your embarrassment.

I'll meet Mr. Waverly.

We're finished with you.

Don't make a mess in here.
Take him to the dungeon.

Really, squire,
what's your hurry?

I think it's quite comfortable here,
don't you? Why don't you sit down, huh?

You've broken it. We'll stay
here and guard the entrance.

Jenkins, go and get some
guns and join us in the maze.

- James, you come with me.
- Yes, sir.

“Kuryakin.“ It's an odd
son of name, isn't it?

Are your people from
Bristol, young man?

No.

Somehow I didn't
think they were.

Oh, Mr. Solo.

You're being wicked
again, aren't you?

Yes, I just can't seem to break the
habit. You, stay right where you are.

Well done, Mr. Solo. Well done.

Hold still, will you?

ILLYA: You know your way out of the maze?
- I don't know where he's put the traps.

How do we get out of here?

Along that corridor,
up through the gazebo.

What about her?

Splendid.

Let's not leave any
loose ends about.

Now, Peggy... snugly now.

If you're going to
do a job, do it right.

Thank you.

Confidentially, I want to see
how long it takes me to get free.

I'm an expert escape
artist, you know.

No, but it doesn't surprise me.

Well, don't wait. I'm
a little out of practice.

Come on.

All right.

Let's go. And this
time, let's kill them all.

ILLYA: Napoleon.

Step carefully. There
are traps everywhere.

SOLO: Illya.

It's an old pressure plate
from a Scottish castle.

If you'd have run through
here and stepped on it...

Well, fancy that.

Come on.

- And there's a wolf loose in the maze.
- Wolf?

And it's far past his lunchtime.

[CRACKLE]

[WOLF GROWLING]

[WOLF GROWLING]

Run.

[WOLF GROWLING 8. MAN SCREAMING]

- What's happening?
- Wolf, man...

[SOLO GROWLS]

Bon appétit.

Hold it.

Tripwire.

It's a crossbow, set to
fire a steel-tipped bolt.

JENKINS: That will
be far enough, Yank.

Too bad you didn't have
any darts this time, Yank.

Drop the sword.

[GUN COCKS]

I just don't know
how I do these things.

Thanks.

Oh, dear.

Well, hello.

I see you found your
way back quite nicely.

Yes, it seems that we
have you, don't we, squire?

EMORY: But do you now?

If you'll be so kind as
to put your gun aside.

You see, tactically speaking,
you are on rather unsteady ground.

It's true that you
could probably hit me.

But on the other hand, I could kill
you and both of your companions...

with the blast
from these barrels.

SOLO [WHISPERS]:
Get ready to duck.

Do me a favor, squire.
Put your gun down, please.

God bless us all.

[GUNSHOTS]

My word, Emory.

Oh, Edith. How could you.

SOLO: Come on.

EDITH: Oh, thank you.

Oh, Edith, I would
have blasted them apart.

But no, you had to foul
up the whole maneuver.

- You're nothing but an old...
- Emory.

If you can't say something nice about
someone, don't say anything at all.

Let that be a lesson
to you, too, Mr. Solo.

Yes. I think it has
been a lesson to us all.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING 8. CHATTERING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Everybody's so
grateful to you, Mr. Solo.

It's very kind of you
to arrange for everyone

to have his property
returned to him.

I guess I'm a bit
old-fashioned, myself.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

That must be Illya
with your car. Shall we?

- Can't be too soon.
- All right, Mr. Solo, you had a call.

Seems there's an
impatient gentleman...

been waiting for over an hour
for you at Eastsnout station.

- I forgot to tum off the bath water.
- What?

I didn't advise the
gentleman to cancel his trip.

My superior.

Yes, Mr. Waverly. I
was just about to call you.

No doubt.

Mr. Kuryakin tells me that
you can explain everything.

Perhaps you'll be good enough to extend
that courtesy to me at least, Mr. Solo.

Excuse me.

Yes. You're right.

Mr. Kuryakin said that? That
was very helpful of him. Nice chap.

Actually, the problem was...

It was a communication... Electronic
thing in relation to the Telstar satellite.

[WHISTLING]

Illya.

Well, that's the spy
business for you.

You can't trust anyone.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[ENGLISH SDH]