The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Four-Steps Affair - full transcript
Thrush seeks to assassinate the 10-year-old boy leader, who has brought peace to a formerly violent country.
[LOCKS DOOR]
Angela.
Angela?
[SIGHS]
[PANTING]
MAN [OVER PHONE]:
Long distance. Operator.
Get me Plaza 36098,
in New York City.
WAVERLY: Hello.
Dancer? Why didn't you
radio it through your channel?
Channel D inoperative.
All right.
Proceed to a direct report.
“0-7.
The bird is on the wing.“
[PHONE CLICKS]
[PHONE CLICKING]
Hello?
He...?
[REPLACES RECEIVER]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Dancer, is that you?
Darling.
- What happened?
- Sony, Angela.
I thought I'd lost them,
but they found me.
- Never mind. I'll call the doctor...
- There's no way.
The phone is out.
They're outside right now.
It's pitch black outside there.
Maybe you can slip across the root.
Come, I'll show you.
Careful.
Steady. They'll
kill us, you know.
I had to. There's
no place else to go.
- I didn't want to involve you, but...
- Shh.
Let me take a look.
I can't see anything. It's too
black. But they can't see us either.
I'm gonna get a
coat. We're leaving.
No. No, you stay right here.
- Oh, please, let's not argue about it.
- No.
You can't drive in this condition. I
have to take you to a doctor. Please.
I'll go first.
[GUNSHOTS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Had he made any contact?
He started a
message to his chief...
before I had the chance
to break the connection.
That could mean a change
in plans regarding the boy.
If U.N.C.L.E. should decide to
follow up on their man Dancer...
his car should
make excellent bait.
Too bad.
So.
“The bird is on the wing.“
That's from the Rubaiyat
of Omar Khayyam, isn't it?
In this instance, I suspect
it's also from the epitaph...
of an U.N.C.L.E agent.
Get me a fix, please. On
Mr. Dancer's last point of transmission.
Well, gentlemen...
how are your deductive
powers this evening? Hmm?
Mr. Kuryakin?
Well, the quote
from the Rubaiyat...
the eastern connotation
would suggest the boy, Miki.
The boy, who?
Dancer's assignment.
Miki, the boy lama of Shanti. He's
been in this country for dental surgery.
Shanti? In the Himalayas?
Well, there's an explosive
little neighborhood.
Not so much anymore.
The people have always been
divided politically, it's true...
but somehow this boy
has unified them religiously.
They believe him to be the reincarnation
of their ancient supreme lama.
Really? Well, as long as it
keeps them off the streets. Heh.
I suppose.
We've appointed Dancer as the
boy's guardian while he's in this country.
I see, but “the bird
is on the wing“?
I'm sure Mr. Waverly will
correct me if I'm wrong...
but I'll wager the bird
in this case is a Thrush.
Tear Shanti apart with civil war and
then slither in to pick up the pieces.
And sell, then, to the highest bidder,
I know. Good old, merry old Thrush.
Time is short, gentlemen.
The boy, Miki, is scheduled to
return to Shanti tomorrow morning.
Obviously, Thrush is
moving in to prevent that.
And if they're successful, that
boy's life is in mortal danger.
But, sir, we know they've
already gotten to Dancer.
Dancer perhaps, but
not the boy. Not yet.
D-7, Mr. Kittridge, is one of
10 U.N.C.L.E. drop points...
or hideaways, if you
will, herein New York.
So Dancer hid the boy at D-7...
at the B 8. U Photo
Studio on the east side.
Well, I hope so.
WAVERLY: And not just the boy.
The boy's traveling with
a Shantian guardian...
a potentate named Kaza.
A potentate? Sounds like the
Arabian Nights for goodness' sake.
As I was saying, there's the
boy, Miki. His guardian, Kaza...
and probably the
American nurse...
who's been giving the
boy postoperative care.
So we go to D-7 and we bring
those people back here to safety.
Yes, that would be
appreciated, Mr. Kuryakin.
Oh, by the way. Anyone
here seen Mr. Solo?
[RADIO TRANSMITTER BUZZING]
What's that, your timer?
My conscience.
You hair is mussed.
[SIGHS]
Channel is open.
Subject is rubaiyat affair.
The bird is on the wing and
Agent Dancer unaccounted for...
since last interrupted
transmission.
Was there a fix on
his transmission?
Somewhere in the
Easthampton area. Long Island.
Mr. Waverly thinks he may
have been taken by Thrush, alive.
If so, U.N.C.L.E.
security is jeopardized.
Yeah, I understand. Orders?
Proceed Easthampton area.
Track down Dance!
And confirm his status.
Get him back if you
can. He mustn't talk.
What you doing?
Oh, I was...
having my dinner.
I'm on my way.
Mr. Kuryakin, Mr. Kittridge...
may I introduce my wonderful
nurse, Miss Kelly Brown.
And Kaza, potentate of
Shanti and my guardian.
We are all grateful
to you, gentlemen.
We're very grateful, my
little friend, to find you safe.
Now, if you'll follow
Mr. Kittridge and me.
- Now, stay close to me, young man.
- A moment, sir, please.
We were in the hands
of a Mr. Dancer...
who, very bravely, used himself to
decoy our pursuers in another direction.
But forgive me, gentlemen...
can we be sure that
you are who you seem?
[EXHALES]
I'm sure, Kaza.
And I will stay
close, Miss Brown.
Good. Well, we have a
car waiting in the alley.
And no unnecessary
noise, please.
[GUNSHOTS]
[BULLETS RICOCHETING]
Go ahead! Go on!
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
No unnecessary
noise, Mr. Kuryakin?
Ah. Just caught the fleshy pan.
Best kind.
Kittridge here.
Rubaiyat affair appears secure.
Kuryakin should be safely
at your point in 15 minutes...
with hey, girl. And
ventilated station wagon.
Send an ambulance to D-7. I
have an incapacitated potentate.
It's almost time for your pill.
To release one's emotions is
quite therapeutic, Miss Brown.
Therapeutic? Just how
old are you, my little friend?
I am 10, sir, in my
present reincarnation.
There's something wrong.
That truck behind us. Somehow,
they're controlling our car.
[SWITCH CLICKING]
Ignition. Breaks. Nothing.
This is Solo.
I've located Dancer's car.
Now, there are traces of blood in the
inside and not a trace of anything outside.
Obviously, it was ditched
here after the main event.
And Dancer?
Well, I don't know yet.
Whatever shape he's in,
he's not in it around here.
-I'll continue on the road as
far as I... SARAH: Negative.
We have an emergency-four
situation on rubaiyat.
Illya didn't bring home
the bacon on schedule...
and the monitor
can't trace his vehicle.
You're to return immediately.
All right, I'm on my way.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[SETS BRAKE]
[SIGHS]
[SNIFFS]
My name is Napoleon Solo.
I hope you don't mind filters.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Light me, please.
What are you smiling at?
You.
Don't shoot me. It would take
all the fun out of the evening.
If I wanted to kill you,
I would have done it.
Hmm. We were driving
then, you would've gotten hurt.
Now we're standing still.
[WHISPERS] Oh.
Now, where would I
be carrying a weapon?
It could be done.
If you have any doubts,
you better search me.
Well, am I hiding anything?
No, I can't honestly say that you
are. Which brings me to the question:
What is a nice girl like you
doing in a place like that?
Dancer wants to see you.
- Oh?
- I know. You thought he was dead.
He has been wounded and
he needs your help to getaway.
How did he know I was here?
The receiver on his
pocket radio is still working.
He can hear, but he can't send.
He has been listening
to all your calls.
Where is he?
On the move. He hasn't dared to
stop. But he'll meet us at my place.
[SIGHS]
I know what you're thinking.
That I could be one of them.
But I tell you, he
needs you. Desperately.
[SIGHS]
You can believe me or not.
Well... I'll have to
find out, won't I?
[TEARFULLY] Oh. What
am I doing here, anyway?
I wish I was in a cocktail dress
somewhere with my boyfriend.
Who I don't think is my boyfriend
anymore because of this darn uniform.
He said he wanted me warm
and dancing and feminine.
Not antiseptically clean.
[SNIFFLING]
They did not instruct me of
such things at the lamasery.
For men, there is no
instruction in these things.
Well, wherever we were
going, I think we're there.
[DOOR SQUEAKING]
Store this furniture
in the basement.
We should have all the
loose ends wrapped up...
in about one U.N.C.L.E.
agent from now.
[GIGGLES] Oh.
You move beautifully.
If this were a trap, you would
certainly be able to kill me...
before you went down.
No question about it.
- You live all the way out here all alone?
- On and off.
[UNLOCKS DOOR]
[DOOR CREAKS]
May I?
That was terribly rude.
Sony. Where is Dancer?
Oh, he said that we are to
meet him here at midnight.
We are much too early.
May I come along?
I tell you, sitting alone in the
gloom makes me a little nervous.
I would have never thought it.
It's that way.
After you.
You know, I've often felt that I
was born several centuries too late.
I've always admired
those cavaliers...
who used to go slashing
their way down the corridors.
Are you always this
suspicious or is it me?
Well, I have a nervous grandmother
back home in Topeka, Kansas.
I'm afraid I've inherited
some of her genes.
- Oh, are you from Kansas?
- 01 course. Isn't everybody?
Who goes in first this time?
Who do you want to go in first?
- You.
- 01 course.
I tell you, old Granny. She
was really unbelievable.
She used to make
everybody so uncomfortable.
She was always stalking
around and peering into comers.
[CHUCKLES]
[SWITCH CLICKS]
Locking doors, make sure that
no one would steal in behind her.
And would you believe it? Every
night, before Granny went to sleep...
she used to slash away
underneath the bed with a poker...
looking for prowlers.
Was she ever lucky
enough to find one?
No. No, that was Granny's
constant frustration.
But she never quit looking.
[SWORD RATTLING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
And I imagine that every
time she entered the room...
she would look through the closet just
to make sure nobody was hiding there.
Of course not. Why would
she do a crazy thing like that?
This is quite a
wardrobe you have here.
I want you to feel free to change
into something comfortable...
while we wait for Dancer.
I shall retreat to the
other room discreetly.
Now, what would you
like me to change into?
Anything but a boy.
How long is this
nonsense going on?
Only until my superior in this
operation communicates his desires.
U.N.C.L.E.'s meddling in this affair
may well force us to be less subtle...
than was originally planned.
I'm sorry.
[MOANS]
This boy is in pain.
Can he have some
aspirin, please?
Not right new, young lady.
Not right now? Well,
when? He just had surgery.
Look, all I want is some aspirin
for goodness' sakes, not a hacksaw.
Is it bad?
You'd better act civilized.
[WHISPERING] No. But it
seems to me Miss Brown...
needs something
to occupy her mind.
Some aspirin.
Are you sure you've
never been married?
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Some good work here. Yours?
ANGELA: I manage
to make a living at it.
Someday, I will have
to make a study of you.
Color me sleepy.
Dance! is taking
his time getting here.
Yes, and isn't
that lovely of him?
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Perhaps he's having
trouble finding the place.
Oh, I doubt it. Why should he?
Well, when we were driving, you said
Dancer had never been here before.
I gave him very specific
directions. He'll have no trouble.
- No trouble?
- No.
I don't miss him
right now, do you?
Well, I tell you, I don't
have many virtues...
but patience
doesn't rank at all.
I don't like to be kept waiting.
You sound so cold now.
Well, as you said when I came
in the house, I'm a rude man.
[DOG BARKING]
[MAN WHISTLES]
You don't have to wait
any longer. There is Dancer.
Why doesn't he come in?
Because he doesn't know
for sure that you are here.
Call to him.
[SIGHS]
You call to him.
[SIGHS]
But he wants you. I told you.
He will not come in unless
he knows that you are here.
Well, you tell him I'm here.
No. I told you, he will not
come unless you call him.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[ANGELA SCREAMS, GUNSHOTS]
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
MAN: Angela, open the door.
Anything wrong?
[LAMP CLATTERS]
[GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]
[ENGINE STARTS]
WOMAN: Last
interrupted transmission.
[HUMMING]
Alive. Canvass area.
Can't confirm his status.
WAVERLY: Very
well, keep me apprised.
No word on “Na?
No, nor on the two
young people with him.
At least we know the boy's
guardian, Kaza. Is safe.
Mr. Kittridge, here.
Deposited him in a hospital.
Under guard, of course.
His wound serious?
No. Best kind. Fleshy pan of the shoulder.
He'll be out in the morning, I expect.
We picked up the man and the
woman you left wounded at that house.
They're both unconscious.
Can't tell us anything.
WAVERLY: So, gentlemen,
the puzzle remains.
How is it that Thrush
was waiting for you at D-7?
Devil only knows, but they
certainly were waiting, weren't they?
Well, from what
you've told me...
only three people outside of
ourselves knew the location of D-7...
and that the boy was there.
Three? Wait a minute, of
course. The three subjects.
The boy, Miki,
the little nurse...
Oh, no, not that sweet
young thing. And Kaza.
I suppose it could be Kaza.
Well, we've got him as a captive
audience. What have we got to lose?
Thrush? I don't know what
the word portends, I'm afraid.
But I do not appreciate
your tone, Mr. Solo.
And we, Kaza, do not
appreciate what Thrush portends.
An underground army of criminal
minds dominating the world...
is a somewhat
less-than-attractive prospect.
I'm a minister of the Shantian
cabinet. The boy's appointed guardian.
And therefore a dangerously
effective Thrush weapon.
Until now, of course.
You are offensive, sir.
I think you'd better check
with your people on that.
SOLO: Angie just said I
was definitely not offensive.
- Angela?
- A great waste of time, Kaza.
WAVERLY: Your associate,
the Angela person...
was quite vocal about you.
We've got her, of course.
You're absurd.
You lose the boy lama...
and you strike at me to
rationalize your own ineptitude.
Angela indeed.
Angela indeed.
And a 10-year-old boy, and his
nurse, and a very good friend of mine.
You're mad.
Better than that, I'm furious.
Now, let's get down
to cases, shall we?
That was quite good. Thank you.
Yes, that was good. Thank you.
Okay, funny man,
where is the spoon?
Hmm?
GUARD 1: You're gonna
dig your way out with a spoon.
That's very clever.
[GUARD 1 SCREAMS]
That was very good too.
And no one is really hurt.
Thank you.
Oh, my purse.
Hold it.
Come. Slowly.
Keep low and use
the trees for cover.
- But you and Miss...
- Go.
Just run and get away from here.
All right, you two, the upstairs
is guarded. Come on down.
You've got five seconds, my
friends. Bring the boy down.
Give me the gun.
On the floor.
Call the boy.
Boy!
Boy, come on down
or I'll kill your friends.
You are my friends.
All right. Back inside. Move.
Friends? You have no friends. You
are responsible for an entire country.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES]
Aah.
I have nothing to
tell you. Nothing.
[SIGHS]
We'll do it the hard way, then.
With the interrogation people.
[DIALS]
Aah.
[LINE RINGING]
A mistake, Mr. Solo.
A deadly mistake.
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
WOMAN: What was that?
[SCREAMING]
Ooh.
That blank ammunition smarts.
Well, he took his time about
grabbing the bait, didn't he?
-Yeah. NURSE: Help!
NURSE: Orderly. Help!
Room 304. Come quick.
- Ahh...
- Uhn!
Well, that was graceful enough.
What about the homing device?
It's in the clip in my gun.
Where Kaza goes, we follow.
Kaza will be grabbing
the car any moment now.
Get cracking. Your
assault force is waiting.
Hi there.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Nice work, Harry.
[INDISTINCT NOISES OVER RADIO]
- How are we doing?
- Shh.
No, we're still not
gaining on him.
He's really romping along.
He's a ruddy
leadfoot, this one is.
We'll get where he's going...
but I won't comment on
the time lapse between us.
Kaza, are you all right?
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I didn't know what to do.
Meaning what?
You haven't killed them.
I tell you, I didn't
know what to do. I...
I figured that they should be
killed, but, well, your orders...
Where is your initiative, man?
Don't you realize U.N.C.L.E. will move
heaven and earth to get that boy back?
Or at least try to keep him
off that plane in the morning.
We have to kill him now.
Yes, I assumed that...
but, well, you had mentioned the
danger of making a martyr out of the boy.
You feel.
Prepare the lion
pits in the backyard.
Yes, now.
What you said about
my not having friends...
that cannot be a
good way to live.
It's the way a leader lives
and works and survives.
You are a leader...
yet you were angry...
when I did not let you
sacrifice yourself for me.
Well, that was my
duty, not friendship.
So now you teach me
still another thing tonight.
The fiercest part of a warrior
must be his devotion to his cause.
On your feet.
Kaza.
So, my little friend, now you
learn even more of the ways of men.
Everybody out. Now.
[GUARD 1 GRUNTS]
[KEYS JINGLING]
[AIR HISSING]
[GRUNTS]
Please do not be too afraid.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[CHUCKLES] Hold it. Hold it.
The boys will be busy for a while clearing
up the sentries out from. Look out!
[GUNSHOT]
KAZA: No. Kill the boy first.
It's just the fleshy
part. It's the best kind.
Thanks.
ILLYA: Run. Do it this time.
Not him. Get them first.
MIKI: Wait.
Are those two not
already finished?
You know their faces.
Their own organization
will know they failed.
SOLO: Mmm.
Surely they could not be
running to any sort of freedom.
Ten years old?
I don't believe it either.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Words are not
adequate, Mr. Solo.
Well, none are necessary,
Miki. You're quite a young man.
- Good luck to you.
- Thank you.
You... You didn't
take your pill.
Miss Brown, your
personal fear fell away...
before your professional
concern for me, your patient.
That is a God-given gift
of dedication, Miss Brown.
It makes the uniform
a very pretty thing.
[SIGHS]
MIKI: Excuse me.
It's such a heavy burden.
He's so small. Poor little boy.
[SOLO CHUCKLES]
Poor little boy? Are you
kidding? That kid's older than I am.
And as for his burden, he'll
carry it like the mature man he is.
You did not fail me?
I did not fail you.
[ENGLISH SDH]
Angela.
Angela?
[SIGHS]
[PANTING]
MAN [OVER PHONE]:
Long distance. Operator.
Get me Plaza 36098,
in New York City.
WAVERLY: Hello.
Dancer? Why didn't you
radio it through your channel?
Channel D inoperative.
All right.
Proceed to a direct report.
“0-7.
The bird is on the wing.“
[PHONE CLICKS]
[PHONE CLICKING]
Hello?
He...?
[REPLACES RECEIVER]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Dancer, is that you?
Darling.
- What happened?
- Sony, Angela.
I thought I'd lost them,
but they found me.
- Never mind. I'll call the doctor...
- There's no way.
The phone is out.
They're outside right now.
It's pitch black outside there.
Maybe you can slip across the root.
Come, I'll show you.
Careful.
Steady. They'll
kill us, you know.
I had to. There's
no place else to go.
- I didn't want to involve you, but...
- Shh.
Let me take a look.
I can't see anything. It's too
black. But they can't see us either.
I'm gonna get a
coat. We're leaving.
No. No, you stay right here.
- Oh, please, let's not argue about it.
- No.
You can't drive in this condition. I
have to take you to a doctor. Please.
I'll go first.
[GUNSHOTS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Had he made any contact?
He started a
message to his chief...
before I had the chance
to break the connection.
That could mean a change
in plans regarding the boy.
If U.N.C.L.E. should decide to
follow up on their man Dancer...
his car should
make excellent bait.
Too bad.
So.
“The bird is on the wing.“
That's from the Rubaiyat
of Omar Khayyam, isn't it?
In this instance, I suspect
it's also from the epitaph...
of an U.N.C.L.E agent.
Get me a fix, please. On
Mr. Dancer's last point of transmission.
Well, gentlemen...
how are your deductive
powers this evening? Hmm?
Mr. Kuryakin?
Well, the quote
from the Rubaiyat...
the eastern connotation
would suggest the boy, Miki.
The boy, who?
Dancer's assignment.
Miki, the boy lama of Shanti. He's
been in this country for dental surgery.
Shanti? In the Himalayas?
Well, there's an explosive
little neighborhood.
Not so much anymore.
The people have always been
divided politically, it's true...
but somehow this boy
has unified them religiously.
They believe him to be the reincarnation
of their ancient supreme lama.
Really? Well, as long as it
keeps them off the streets. Heh.
I suppose.
We've appointed Dancer as the
boy's guardian while he's in this country.
I see, but “the bird
is on the wing“?
I'm sure Mr. Waverly will
correct me if I'm wrong...
but I'll wager the bird
in this case is a Thrush.
Tear Shanti apart with civil war and
then slither in to pick up the pieces.
And sell, then, to the highest bidder,
I know. Good old, merry old Thrush.
Time is short, gentlemen.
The boy, Miki, is scheduled to
return to Shanti tomorrow morning.
Obviously, Thrush is
moving in to prevent that.
And if they're successful, that
boy's life is in mortal danger.
But, sir, we know they've
already gotten to Dancer.
Dancer perhaps, but
not the boy. Not yet.
D-7, Mr. Kittridge, is one of
10 U.N.C.L.E. drop points...
or hideaways, if you
will, herein New York.
So Dancer hid the boy at D-7...
at the B 8. U Photo
Studio on the east side.
Well, I hope so.
WAVERLY: And not just the boy.
The boy's traveling with
a Shantian guardian...
a potentate named Kaza.
A potentate? Sounds like the
Arabian Nights for goodness' sake.
As I was saying, there's the
boy, Miki. His guardian, Kaza...
and probably the
American nurse...
who's been giving the
boy postoperative care.
So we go to D-7 and we bring
those people back here to safety.
Yes, that would be
appreciated, Mr. Kuryakin.
Oh, by the way. Anyone
here seen Mr. Solo?
[RADIO TRANSMITTER BUZZING]
What's that, your timer?
My conscience.
You hair is mussed.
[SIGHS]
Channel is open.
Subject is rubaiyat affair.
The bird is on the wing and
Agent Dancer unaccounted for...
since last interrupted
transmission.
Was there a fix on
his transmission?
Somewhere in the
Easthampton area. Long Island.
Mr. Waverly thinks he may
have been taken by Thrush, alive.
If so, U.N.C.L.E.
security is jeopardized.
Yeah, I understand. Orders?
Proceed Easthampton area.
Track down Dance!
And confirm his status.
Get him back if you
can. He mustn't talk.
What you doing?
Oh, I was...
having my dinner.
I'm on my way.
Mr. Kuryakin, Mr. Kittridge...
may I introduce my wonderful
nurse, Miss Kelly Brown.
And Kaza, potentate of
Shanti and my guardian.
We are all grateful
to you, gentlemen.
We're very grateful, my
little friend, to find you safe.
Now, if you'll follow
Mr. Kittridge and me.
- Now, stay close to me, young man.
- A moment, sir, please.
We were in the hands
of a Mr. Dancer...
who, very bravely, used himself to
decoy our pursuers in another direction.
But forgive me, gentlemen...
can we be sure that
you are who you seem?
[EXHALES]
I'm sure, Kaza.
And I will stay
close, Miss Brown.
Good. Well, we have a
car waiting in the alley.
And no unnecessary
noise, please.
[GUNSHOTS]
[BULLETS RICOCHETING]
Go ahead! Go on!
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
No unnecessary
noise, Mr. Kuryakin?
Ah. Just caught the fleshy pan.
Best kind.
Kittridge here.
Rubaiyat affair appears secure.
Kuryakin should be safely
at your point in 15 minutes...
with hey, girl. And
ventilated station wagon.
Send an ambulance to D-7. I
have an incapacitated potentate.
It's almost time for your pill.
To release one's emotions is
quite therapeutic, Miss Brown.
Therapeutic? Just how
old are you, my little friend?
I am 10, sir, in my
present reincarnation.
There's something wrong.
That truck behind us. Somehow,
they're controlling our car.
[SWITCH CLICKING]
Ignition. Breaks. Nothing.
This is Solo.
I've located Dancer's car.
Now, there are traces of blood in the
inside and not a trace of anything outside.
Obviously, it was ditched
here after the main event.
And Dancer?
Well, I don't know yet.
Whatever shape he's in,
he's not in it around here.
-I'll continue on the road as
far as I... SARAH: Negative.
We have an emergency-four
situation on rubaiyat.
Illya didn't bring home
the bacon on schedule...
and the monitor
can't trace his vehicle.
You're to return immediately.
All right, I'm on my way.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[SETS BRAKE]
[SIGHS]
[SNIFFS]
My name is Napoleon Solo.
I hope you don't mind filters.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Light me, please.
What are you smiling at?
You.
Don't shoot me. It would take
all the fun out of the evening.
If I wanted to kill you,
I would have done it.
Hmm. We were driving
then, you would've gotten hurt.
Now we're standing still.
[WHISPERS] Oh.
Now, where would I
be carrying a weapon?
It could be done.
If you have any doubts,
you better search me.
Well, am I hiding anything?
No, I can't honestly say that you
are. Which brings me to the question:
What is a nice girl like you
doing in a place like that?
Dancer wants to see you.
- Oh?
- I know. You thought he was dead.
He has been wounded and
he needs your help to getaway.
How did he know I was here?
The receiver on his
pocket radio is still working.
He can hear, but he can't send.
He has been listening
to all your calls.
Where is he?
On the move. He hasn't dared to
stop. But he'll meet us at my place.
[SIGHS]
I know what you're thinking.
That I could be one of them.
But I tell you, he
needs you. Desperately.
[SIGHS]
You can believe me or not.
Well... I'll have to
find out, won't I?
[TEARFULLY] Oh. What
am I doing here, anyway?
I wish I was in a cocktail dress
somewhere with my boyfriend.
Who I don't think is my boyfriend
anymore because of this darn uniform.
He said he wanted me warm
and dancing and feminine.
Not antiseptically clean.
[SNIFFLING]
They did not instruct me of
such things at the lamasery.
For men, there is no
instruction in these things.
Well, wherever we were
going, I think we're there.
[DOOR SQUEAKING]
Store this furniture
in the basement.
We should have all the
loose ends wrapped up...
in about one U.N.C.L.E.
agent from now.
[GIGGLES] Oh.
You move beautifully.
If this were a trap, you would
certainly be able to kill me...
before you went down.
No question about it.
- You live all the way out here all alone?
- On and off.
[UNLOCKS DOOR]
[DOOR CREAKS]
May I?
That was terribly rude.
Sony. Where is Dancer?
Oh, he said that we are to
meet him here at midnight.
We are much too early.
May I come along?
I tell you, sitting alone in the
gloom makes me a little nervous.
I would have never thought it.
It's that way.
After you.
You know, I've often felt that I
was born several centuries too late.
I've always admired
those cavaliers...
who used to go slashing
their way down the corridors.
Are you always this
suspicious or is it me?
Well, I have a nervous grandmother
back home in Topeka, Kansas.
I'm afraid I've inherited
some of her genes.
- Oh, are you from Kansas?
- 01 course. Isn't everybody?
Who goes in first this time?
Who do you want to go in first?
- You.
- 01 course.
I tell you, old Granny. She
was really unbelievable.
She used to make
everybody so uncomfortable.
She was always stalking
around and peering into comers.
[CHUCKLES]
[SWITCH CLICKS]
Locking doors, make sure that
no one would steal in behind her.
And would you believe it? Every
night, before Granny went to sleep...
she used to slash away
underneath the bed with a poker...
looking for prowlers.
Was she ever lucky
enough to find one?
No. No, that was Granny's
constant frustration.
But she never quit looking.
[SWORD RATTLING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
And I imagine that every
time she entered the room...
she would look through the closet just
to make sure nobody was hiding there.
Of course not. Why would
she do a crazy thing like that?
This is quite a
wardrobe you have here.
I want you to feel free to change
into something comfortable...
while we wait for Dancer.
I shall retreat to the
other room discreetly.
Now, what would you
like me to change into?
Anything but a boy.
How long is this
nonsense going on?
Only until my superior in this
operation communicates his desires.
U.N.C.L.E.'s meddling in this affair
may well force us to be less subtle...
than was originally planned.
I'm sorry.
[MOANS]
This boy is in pain.
Can he have some
aspirin, please?
Not right new, young lady.
Not right now? Well,
when? He just had surgery.
Look, all I want is some aspirin
for goodness' sakes, not a hacksaw.
Is it bad?
You'd better act civilized.
[WHISPERING] No. But it
seems to me Miss Brown...
needs something
to occupy her mind.
Some aspirin.
Are you sure you've
never been married?
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Some good work here. Yours?
ANGELA: I manage
to make a living at it.
Someday, I will have
to make a study of you.
Color me sleepy.
Dance! is taking
his time getting here.
Yes, and isn't
that lovely of him?
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Perhaps he's having
trouble finding the place.
Oh, I doubt it. Why should he?
Well, when we were driving, you said
Dancer had never been here before.
I gave him very specific
directions. He'll have no trouble.
- No trouble?
- No.
I don't miss him
right now, do you?
Well, I tell you, I don't
have many virtues...
but patience
doesn't rank at all.
I don't like to be kept waiting.
You sound so cold now.
Well, as you said when I came
in the house, I'm a rude man.
[DOG BARKING]
[MAN WHISTLES]
You don't have to wait
any longer. There is Dancer.
Why doesn't he come in?
Because he doesn't know
for sure that you are here.
Call to him.
[SIGHS]
You call to him.
[SIGHS]
But he wants you. I told you.
He will not come in unless
he knows that you are here.
Well, you tell him I'm here.
No. I told you, he will not
come unless you call him.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[ANGELA SCREAMS, GUNSHOTS]
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
MAN: Angela, open the door.
Anything wrong?
[LAMP CLATTERS]
[GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]
[ENGINE STARTS]
WOMAN: Last
interrupted transmission.
[HUMMING]
Alive. Canvass area.
Can't confirm his status.
WAVERLY: Very
well, keep me apprised.
No word on “Na?
No, nor on the two
young people with him.
At least we know the boy's
guardian, Kaza. Is safe.
Mr. Kittridge, here.
Deposited him in a hospital.
Under guard, of course.
His wound serious?
No. Best kind. Fleshy pan of the shoulder.
He'll be out in the morning, I expect.
We picked up the man and the
woman you left wounded at that house.
They're both unconscious.
Can't tell us anything.
WAVERLY: So, gentlemen,
the puzzle remains.
How is it that Thrush
was waiting for you at D-7?
Devil only knows, but they
certainly were waiting, weren't they?
Well, from what
you've told me...
only three people outside of
ourselves knew the location of D-7...
and that the boy was there.
Three? Wait a minute, of
course. The three subjects.
The boy, Miki,
the little nurse...
Oh, no, not that sweet
young thing. And Kaza.
I suppose it could be Kaza.
Well, we've got him as a captive
audience. What have we got to lose?
Thrush? I don't know what
the word portends, I'm afraid.
But I do not appreciate
your tone, Mr. Solo.
And we, Kaza, do not
appreciate what Thrush portends.
An underground army of criminal
minds dominating the world...
is a somewhat
less-than-attractive prospect.
I'm a minister of the Shantian
cabinet. The boy's appointed guardian.
And therefore a dangerously
effective Thrush weapon.
Until now, of course.
You are offensive, sir.
I think you'd better check
with your people on that.
SOLO: Angie just said I
was definitely not offensive.
- Angela?
- A great waste of time, Kaza.
WAVERLY: Your associate,
the Angela person...
was quite vocal about you.
We've got her, of course.
You're absurd.
You lose the boy lama...
and you strike at me to
rationalize your own ineptitude.
Angela indeed.
Angela indeed.
And a 10-year-old boy, and his
nurse, and a very good friend of mine.
You're mad.
Better than that, I'm furious.
Now, let's get down
to cases, shall we?
That was quite good. Thank you.
Yes, that was good. Thank you.
Okay, funny man,
where is the spoon?
Hmm?
GUARD 1: You're gonna
dig your way out with a spoon.
That's very clever.
[GUARD 1 SCREAMS]
That was very good too.
And no one is really hurt.
Thank you.
Oh, my purse.
Hold it.
Come. Slowly.
Keep low and use
the trees for cover.
- But you and Miss...
- Go.
Just run and get away from here.
All right, you two, the upstairs
is guarded. Come on down.
You've got five seconds, my
friends. Bring the boy down.
Give me the gun.
On the floor.
Call the boy.
Boy!
Boy, come on down
or I'll kill your friends.
You are my friends.
All right. Back inside. Move.
Friends? You have no friends. You
are responsible for an entire country.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES]
Aah.
I have nothing to
tell you. Nothing.
[SIGHS]
We'll do it the hard way, then.
With the interrogation people.
[DIALS]
Aah.
[LINE RINGING]
A mistake, Mr. Solo.
A deadly mistake.
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
WOMAN: What was that?
[SCREAMING]
Ooh.
That blank ammunition smarts.
Well, he took his time about
grabbing the bait, didn't he?
-Yeah. NURSE: Help!
NURSE: Orderly. Help!
Room 304. Come quick.
- Ahh...
- Uhn!
Well, that was graceful enough.
What about the homing device?
It's in the clip in my gun.
Where Kaza goes, we follow.
Kaza will be grabbing
the car any moment now.
Get cracking. Your
assault force is waiting.
Hi there.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Nice work, Harry.
[INDISTINCT NOISES OVER RADIO]
- How are we doing?
- Shh.
No, we're still not
gaining on him.
He's really romping along.
He's a ruddy
leadfoot, this one is.
We'll get where he's going...
but I won't comment on
the time lapse between us.
Kaza, are you all right?
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I didn't know what to do.
Meaning what?
You haven't killed them.
I tell you, I didn't
know what to do. I...
I figured that they should be
killed, but, well, your orders...
Where is your initiative, man?
Don't you realize U.N.C.L.E. will move
heaven and earth to get that boy back?
Or at least try to keep him
off that plane in the morning.
We have to kill him now.
Yes, I assumed that...
but, well, you had mentioned the
danger of making a martyr out of the boy.
You feel.
Prepare the lion
pits in the backyard.
Yes, now.
What you said about
my not having friends...
that cannot be a
good way to live.
It's the way a leader lives
and works and survives.
You are a leader...
yet you were angry...
when I did not let you
sacrifice yourself for me.
Well, that was my
duty, not friendship.
So now you teach me
still another thing tonight.
The fiercest part of a warrior
must be his devotion to his cause.
On your feet.
Kaza.
So, my little friend, now you
learn even more of the ways of men.
Everybody out. Now.
[GUARD 1 GRUNTS]
[KEYS JINGLING]
[AIR HISSING]
[GRUNTS]
Please do not be too afraid.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[CHUCKLES] Hold it. Hold it.
The boys will be busy for a while clearing
up the sentries out from. Look out!
[GUNSHOT]
KAZA: No. Kill the boy first.
It's just the fleshy
part. It's the best kind.
Thanks.
ILLYA: Run. Do it this time.
Not him. Get them first.
MIKI: Wait.
Are those two not
already finished?
You know their faces.
Their own organization
will know they failed.
SOLO: Mmm.
Surely they could not be
running to any sort of freedom.
Ten years old?
I don't believe it either.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Words are not
adequate, Mr. Solo.
Well, none are necessary,
Miki. You're quite a young man.
- Good luck to you.
- Thank you.
You... You didn't
take your pill.
Miss Brown, your
personal fear fell away...
before your professional
concern for me, your patient.
That is a God-given gift
of dedication, Miss Brown.
It makes the uniform
a very pretty thing.
[SIGHS]
MIKI: Excuse me.
It's such a heavy burden.
He's so small. Poor little boy.
[SOLO CHUCKLES]
Poor little boy? Are you
kidding? That kid's older than I am.
And as for his burden, he'll
carry it like the mature man he is.
You did not fail me?
I did not fail you.
[ENGLISH SDH]