The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Iowa-Scuba Affair - full transcript

NARRATOR: In New York City...

on a street in the East Forties,
there's an ordinary tailor shop.

Or is it ordinary?

We entered through the agents' entrance
and we are now in U.N.C.L.E. headquarters.

That's the United Network
Command for Law and Enforcement.

U.N.C.L.E. is an organization
consisting of agents of all nationalities.

It's involved in maintaining political
and legal order anywhere in the world.

[GARBLED SPEECH OVER RADIO]

My name is Napoleon Solo.

I'm an enforcement
agent in Section Two here.

That's operations
and enforcement.



I am Illya Kuryakin.

I'm also an enforcement agent.

Like my friend Napoleon, I go and I
do whatever I am told to by our chief.

Huh? Oh, yes, Alexander Waverly.

Number 1 in Section One.

In charge of this, our
New York headquarters.

It's from here that I send these
young men on their various missions.

Tommy.

Tommy.

Tomorrow night?

That's not my brother.

What do you mean?

This man's dog tags, his records say
he's Airman First Class Tom Blenman.

I don't care about his
records. I know my brother.



And that's not Tommy.

You telegraph me in Seattle,
tell me to fly here to Iowa.

You show me some
stranger, tell me it's my brother.

Now take it easy, Mr. Blenman.

Is that what you're doing here?
What about that girl he was with?

Jill Denison?
We've talked to her.

Then you won't
mind if I talk with her.

What's going on here? This
man impersonated my brother.

Now he's murdered.
Tommy might be dead.

You expect me to sit while you drag
through some routine investigation?

- I know you're upset...
- You better believe it.

I mean to find out
about my brother.

I guess the best way is to
find out who killed this man first.

Had, Miss Pruit here.

That city fellow just took off
like one of Snyder's hounds.

Well, I don't think any harm ought
to come to him right now, Had.

Bide your time.

Well, we weren't
in love or anything...

but, oh, well, for something like
this to happen, I just can't believe it.

Why not?

You didn't know
anything about that boy.

Not his background
or his family.

You didn't know he had a brother
until Mr. Blenman knocked on our door.

What's wrong with dating someone
you haven't known all your life?

Well, I mean, at least you don't know
what they're gonna say before they say it.

Is that right?

Well, now you've seen
what that can lead to.

- Haven't you?
- Aunt Martha, please.

Now you know.

I don't know, I...

I love to hear about people that I've
read about or seen on TV, you know?

And places that I've never
been and probably never will be.

Well, Tommy... I mean,
well, whoever he was.

I mean, he'd tell me about all the times he
was stationed in Panama and West Berlin.

And even New York.

Did he have any civilian
friends around here?

- Mm-mm.
- None?

Have we ever met before?

No. No, no.

Oh, no, of course not, I...

Well, you just remind
me of someone.

[CAR APPROACHES]

Why, that's Clint Spinner.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Well, come in, Clint.
- Afternoon, Martha.

- Do.
- Well, Jill.

I'll be doggone if you
aren't a sight for sore eyes.

Mr. Spinner? Mr. Blenman.

- It's a pleasure to know you, sir.
- How do you do?

Mr. Spinner just bought
the land west of ours.

Now, Jill, don't you go
making me out no stranger.

The truth is well, I use to work
that farm when I was a boy...

only then my daddy
used to sharecrop it.

I got a little lucky, a
wildcat down in Oklahoma...

and well, I figured that I'd just take
some oil money and buy the old place.

You know, sentimental.

That new well, Clint, was
it worth the trouble it took?

It's worth every bit of it.

You can't get that kind of fresh
water out of them county pipes.

They always tell me
that if you ain't got a well...

you sure ain't got
much of a farm.

- Sentimental, huh?
- Sentimental, yeah.

Corny, that's me.

Say, I heard in town that you
was coming out to talk to Jill...

about that poor young airman.

I understand now that
he's not your brother.

Yes, yes, that's true. However, he is
the only link I did have with my brother.

Uh...

I don't understand what it is that you
figured she might be able to tell you.

You know I figured it might
have something to do with that...

secret Air Force
installation they have here...

- don't you?
- Oh, you mean the S-9?

- The what?
- The S-9, that catapult plane.

Oh, is that what it is?

Well, what it is
ain't the secret.

They got it buried under one
of them sliding concrete slabs...

right here on this farm.

What they got it pointed
at, that's the secret.

I'll bet that everyone around
here knows what you just told me.

Everybody knows what I know.

We was all right here
when they built the thing.

However, young fellow, I think
maybe you're barking up the wrong tree.

Maybe.

Guess I'm just
looking for a handle.

I'm sorry to have caused you
so much trouble. I appreciate...

Oh, incidentally, where
did he do his skin-diving?

Skin-diving?

Yeah, they found a bunch of that
scuba equipment in the trunk of his cycle.

That's ridiculous. He
couldn't even swim.

What do you mean,
he couldn't swim?

Well, he couldn't swim.

We went for a picnic down
by the lake about a month ago.

And he wouldn't swim.
He was even afraid to try.

- This man, what's his real name again?
- Uh, Edward Friedlander, sir.

- And definitely dead.
- Oh, very dead.

It was a matter of his
life or mine, I chose his.

WAVERLY: Unfortunate.

Unfortunate and incredible
that he should recognize you.

I always thought you
had a very common face.

May have been lucky that he
slipped away from us in Berlin.

If he hadn't turned up in Iowa,
we might never have known...

there was something going on
with that Air Force installation.

And you still have no idea
what that something is?

Or who's behind it, no sir.

He was an expert saboteur.

One of the finest in the world.

And you are unable to trace the
airman whose identity he assumed?

- This Thomas Blenman?
- No, sir.

Friedlander's death may
force something, though.

Well, the people he worked for will
want to know who killed him and why.

They can't afford not
to. Their stake is too big.

That opens up the possibility that
they may expose themselves to us.

The file you programmed has
been edited for viewing, Mr. Solo.

Thank you, Heather.

Did you get anything
out of the girl?

What girl, sir?

- The girl Friedlander was dating.
- Oh, yes, yes. Jill Denison.

I tell you, I only had a moment with
her but I'm sure she'll be very valuable.

Yes, I'm sure
she will, Mr. Solo.

A new girl?

No, sir, no.

I mean in our
organization, Mr. Solo.

Oh, no, Heather's been with us almost
a year. She used to be a stewardess.

- She rooms with...
- Never mind. Let's get at it.

Yes.

Now, this is the Denison
farm, house, wheat fields, silos.

The shadowed area represents
the acre requisitioned...

by the Air Force for
the S-9 installation.

Now, this is a
subterranean cross section.

The concrete roof is camouflaged
to blend in to the wheat...

but it's timed so that it will slide
open ten seconds before launch.

The plane is locked in a
catapult at a 45-degree angle...

much like a pebble
in a slingshot.

Was the impostor ever allowed
to enter these underground units?

No. He never got closer than
walking guard duty topside.

The S-9 is guarded
around the clock...

by Air Force MPs with
top security clearance.

Yet we must assume the
impostor initiated a relationship...

with the Denison girl as a
cover to allow him more time...

- in proximity to the installation.
- Yes, I'd say so.

Is the plane launched
by radio signal?

No, its pilot
triggers the launch.

There's an electrical warning
system trailing from the plane...

to ground-control
security headquarters...

to forestall sabotage,
malfunction in countdown, etcetera.

[INTERCOM BEEPING]

- Yes. WOMAN: The
Iowa target area...

has just released a
statement to the wire services.

Read it aloud, please.

"Reference: Murdered man who posed
as Airman First Class Thomas Blenman."

News release, quote:
"Police have just revealed...

that they have found
the murderer." Unquote.

I'm afraid your slip
is showing, Mr. Solo.

SOLO: You mean the murderer was
burned to death on this bed last night.

He must have come back here last
night after he arranged the murder.

Chain-smoked
until he fell asleep.

Except he forgot to
put the last cigarette out.

- You can't be sure he killed the airman.
- The man had a police record as a bookie.

We found this in
his jacket pocket.

In his own handwriting, it shows that
the airman was losing and not paying off.

So as far as you're
concerned, the case is closed.

When you have a murder...

and you find the murderer
dead, that's usually the case.

- What about my brother?
- That's the Air Force's problem.

He's one of their folks.

No, he's one of my
folks. He's my brother.

I'm not gonna let officials bury
his disappearance in some cabinet.

I'm with the newspaper. You
making some sort of accusation?

No, that's not it at
all. Mr. Blenman...

You can print that
Mr. Blenman's mad.

And I'm not leaving until
I find out what's going on.

And I don't care
where I have to look.

Or who I have to push.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

I was just turning down the bed.

Fine.

Have a good night, sir.

Thank you.

Open Channel D.

Channel D is open.

- Had, Miss Pruit here. MAN:
You get everything done?

Yes, I turned down his bed. Put
his Gideon Bible aside the bed.

Yes, the little doohickey
is in the showerhead.

No, when they find him, it will
look as if he had a heart attack.

The bookmaker
was obviously killed...

and his records forged to
close the case on the impostor.

I trust you were
appropriately indignant.

Yes, sir. Particularly
to the newspapers.

I needn't remind you you're
inviting an attempt on your life.

Isn't that the idea?

Report any such
attempts immediately.

Unless they're successful.

Yes, sir.

[COUGHING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Who is it?
DENISON: Jill Denison.

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry. I didn't realize...

No, no, please. Come in.

Please.

I had a little accident here.

I was lucky I wasn't
in the next room there.

One of those lather-shave balms
got to too close to the heater...

and it sort of exploded.

Does that make any sense?

No. But nothing
makes any sense to me.

Not, not, not Tommy or...

Or that gambler that
they found dead or you.

- Me?
- Yes. I mean...

Oh, please don't
misunderstand. I mean...

Well, maybe I'm just a
country bumpkin but...

Somehow I can't...

I mean, I just can't seem
to get it through my head...

that you are really the
man that you say you are.

Does that make any sense?

Well, it's an
interesting idea, yes.

I don't think anyone here is
telling the truth about anything.

I mean, not the police
or you or even Tommy.

I mean, he wasn't
being truthful with me.

Jill, you said something about the
police not being entirely honest in this.

Well, I just can't believe
that the gambler...

I mean, well, the bookmaker
that they found dead...

ever really knew Tommy. I mean,
well, Tommy wasn't a gambler.

Well, at least he wasn't
that kind of gambler.

What kind of a gambler was he?

He didn't bet on horses
or baseball or anything.

But...

Well, it was just
something about him that...

Well, you and him...

I know that you said that
he wasn't your brother but...

Well, there's just something
about the two of you that's alike.

Although there really isn't.

Is something wrong?

No, no, no, it's...

Really, it's...

- just right.
- What is?

That little smudge on your nose.

- Oh.
- No, I'll get it.

What are you gonna do?

- Stick out your tongue.
- Huh?

Come on, stick it out.

Close your eyes.

What did you mean when you
said that smudge was just right?

Oh, not really the smudge.

You.

Clean as a country morning.

Mr. Blenman...

Larry. Short for
Laurence Sylvester.

Gee, I love that
perfume you're wearing.

I'm not wearing
any. That's soap.

Oh. Well, actually,
that's what I meant.

Oh, I know I'm supposed to
say something clever, but I...

Jill, I'm a big city salesman.

I meet an awful lot of girls
who "say something clever."

You make me sort of miss
someone I've never met.

Does that make sense?

I wish you wouldn't
lie to me, Mr. Blenman.

Laurence Sylvester.

Well, I don't believe that
you're a salesman in the big city.

Jill, if you go down the
lobby and wait two minutes...

I'll get dressed,
I'll drive you home.

I'll tell you all about myself.

I have my own car,
Laurence Sylvester.

Laurence. It's kind of late.

And besides...

I want to.

Want to what?

- Drive you home.
- Oh.

Yes, well, uh...

I'll meet you downstairs.

I can't get it open, Laurence.

I see Freud's on my side.

Two minutes.

Larry.

Uh...

How long will
you be staying if...

well, if you don't
find your brother?

Oh, I'll find him.

If we run out of gas, remember
it's your car, not my idea.

That's crazy. I just had
it filled this afternoon.

What's the matter?

There's a car following
us without lights.

Well, how do you know
they're following us?

Because that gas
tank didn't empty itself.

They left us just enough
to get us alone out here.

Who's they?

There's no time to explain now.

Out.

[DEVICES BUZZING]

[GUNSHOTS]

Where are they?

We can't see them
but they can see us.

They're using black-light emissions
and special finders to pick us up.

[BUZZING]

Wynken, Blynken and Nod one night
Sailed off in a river of crystal light

Hm?

The silo.

[BUZZING]

We used to play in here
when I was a little girl.

We weren't supposed to.

Who are those men?
Why do they wanna kill us?

I don't know, Jill.

DENISON: Why are
you sending it down?

If they come here and find it up,
they'll know somebody took it up.

If they come here,
we'll be trapped.

Not much choice, is there?

Now, look, Mr. Laurence
Sylvester Blenman.

Would you please tell
me who you really are?

Napoleon Solo.

I represent an organization
designated as the U.N.C.L.E.

U.N.C... U.N.C.L.E.?

Well, isn't that some sort of a
spy or secret service organization?

Yes, something like that.

U.N.C.L.E. works
for all nations.

One of our responsibilities
is to suppress any activity...

that might be a
threat world peace.

In Iowa?

Anywhere.

- Frightened?
- Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, well,
because I'm with you.

Does that sound childish?

Not at all.

I consider it a
beautiful compliment.

You remind me so much of Tommy.

Or whatever his name is.

His name was Edward Friedlander.

And he was one of the most
expert saboteurs in the world.

You killed him.

Yes.

I had to.

I said you two were
alike, I guess that was it.

You were both
on different sides...

but you were both...

Oh, what's the word?

The word is "professionals."

Yeah.

Oh, I don't think I'll never be able to
understand what this world's all about.

Well, maybe, maybe
he was a bad person...

but I'll never believe it.
I mean, to me he was...

he was so full of dreams and
so brave and so very much alive.

And, oh, very much like you.

[CLICKS]

- The elevator...!
- Shh.

Hey. Hey.

They've gone. It's all right.

You can come out now.

Hey, it's all right, you
can come out now.

SOLO: Jill.

Jill.

Jill, come on, wake up. Come on.

Come on, wake up, come on.

It's the real Tom Blenman. He
was killed and his body hidden here...

so Friedlander
could take his place.

How far is the lake from here?

About 15 miles. Why?

He was drowned.

Rope burns on his hands.

I don't understand either.

We better try to find
a way back to town.

Come on.

DENISON: Mr. Spinner's
place isn't far. He'll help.

Want some fresh water
from Spinners new well?

No, all I want is to
get safely in the house.

SOLO: Oh, let's not tell
Spinner what happened.

We'll say we had some trouble
with the car and got messed up.

I'd rather not involve
anybody else in our troubles.

Jill, Mr. Blenman?

Mr. Spinner, our
car broke down and...

- Well, come on in, come on in.
- Thank you.

I declare, Jill. You look like
you been assorting wildcats.

Why, you sure are a mess.

[SPINNER CHUCKLES]

Well, what did you kids do, try to
push it on your hands and knees?

Yeah, just about.
Listen, can we get a cab?

A cab? Well, shucks,
there ain't no sense in that.

I got a whole garage full of automobiles
just sitting out there doing nothing.

I'd invite you to stay but I
got an oilman up from Dallas.

He's kind of an oddball.

Don't like people to know his
comings and goings, you know the type.

Now you kids just stay right here. I'll
have the coupé brought right around.

- Make yourselves at home.
- Thank you.

That's funny. I don't think
I've ever seen Mr. Spinner so...

- Well, I mean...
- Nervous?

Lipstick.

On a cigar?

This doesn't look like any
oilman from Dallas I ever heard of.

Well, I don't think that we ought to
be meddling in Mr. Spinner's affairs.

All set.

Car will be around
in front in a minute.

Oh, uh, you have any
news of your brother?

Yeah, I have. I'm
afraid it's bad news.

Don't believe I understand.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. I'd rather not
say anything until I talk to the sheriff.

Oh, there's the car now.

Is that where you're
going now? To the sheriff?

Yeah, that's right. Come on.

Now, you two drive careful.

- What are you doing?
- Later.

Drive up a hundred yards.

Then get out, walk on
home and stay off the roads.

- Why?
- Because I think Spinner knows...

what happened to us.

If he does, he's not
about to let us get away.

He's probably arranged to have
us cut off on the way to town.

Don't worry, Jill.

He's not about to have any
trouble too close to home.

- Are you gonna go back there?
- Just do as I say, there's no time. Go on.

Actually, I could have
let them go to the police.

You know they have
no reason to suspect me.

It is better to be sure.

Nothing will be wrong?

In a couple of minutes, now,
that car should explode and burn.

WOMAN: The police will
know it was not an accident.

SPINNER: Not tonight,
they won't. And tomorrow...

tomorrow we'll be drinking
champagne with your brother...

the new prime minister.

That is if your
pilot does his job...

as well in the morning as
I have done up until now.

He has sworn his life to
success. He will not fail.

[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]

You are quite efficient.

They should have been far enough away
by now that we couldn't have heard that.

Could be my imagination...

but it won't hurt anything
to check around outside.

Jill, over here.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Why did you come back here?

When the car...

I thought you might need help.

You might have been killed.

You knew that, didn't you?

I didn't think about it.

- You know how to use one of these?
- I think so.

You don't have to hit
anything. Just keep him busy.

I'll try to make it around
the back. All right.

[SCREAMING]

Jill?

Well, I see Halloween
is a little early this year.

Take it easy.

After all, we're still alive.

I think this tunnel leads
from Spinner's well.

The well was just a
camouflage to hide the entrance.

That guy in the flying suit, I'd say the
S-9 was on the other side of that concrete.

What are they doing?

I think they're feeding
some sort of gas into

the base area installation
on the other side.

- Gas?
- Yeah.

To take care of the Air Force
men standing guard there.

It's probably the same stuff
they installed in my shower.

I see the two of you made it.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

That's all right, Jill.
Think nothing of it.

The guards should
be dead by now.

Let's get to work on that wall.

The wall! Get it down!

[WOMAN SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Our digging will not alert the
installation's warning system.

As you can see, we bypassed
their electrical circuits.

The Air Force won't
know that anything is

amiss until our pilots
is off and winging...

H-bomb and all.

Winging to somewhere
in South America, I take it?

That's right.

Some friends of mine are standing
ready to take over down there.

When the government has
been blasted out of existence...

my friends and I will merely
have to walk in and take over.

While the rest of the
world watches, huh?

How long you think you
can hold on to that power?

SPINNER: Who knows?

However, you are lucky.

It isn't everyone who gets to see the
inside of their tomb before they're buried.

It won't be long now.

All right, now, hold this.

Hold it tight.

Even if we do get free, what
can we do against all of them?

There's a whole company of
Air Force men sitting beside us.

They can help us if we
can just blow the whistle.

DENISON: What are you doing? Cut me loose.
- When there's time.

All right, now...

whatever you do, don't scream.

No, I'm all right.

- No, really I am.
- All right.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

[CHATTERING]

MAN: Hey, lieutenant?
Look what I found.

Allow me.

Hey, who are you?

I am the guy what brung her.

- Mr. Solo?
- Yes.

Will I ever see you again?

I mean...

if I ever went to New York
on a visit, would you...?

I mean, would you kind
of have a date with me?

I promise.

Cocktails and dinner
at a fine restaurant.

A Broadway play.

Dancing. Whatever you like.

Oh. Oh.

Napoleon Solo with
his country bumpkin...

who smells of soap and has never
had anything stronger than apple cider.

What would your
sophisticated lady friends think?

Well, I think that they
would be very envious of you.

Oh. You lie so beautifully.

No. Unfortunately most of
my lady friends have kind of...

a patch-together look.

Twice a week at
the beauty salon.

False hairstyle,
false hair color...

- false hair...
- Would you please shut up and kiss me?

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Jill.

You should have
slapped his face.

But he only kissed me
on the tip of my nose.

Well, I hope he can
do better than that...

when you visit him in New York.

[ENGLISH SDH]