The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Mad, Mad Tea Party Affair - full transcript

[KIDS CLAMORING]

Hey, Bill.

Hello, you're just in time.

I'm in need of a ground crew.
Would you like to volunteer?

- Sure.
- All right. Each of you hold a wing tip.

Now, on the count
of three, let go.

Are you ready?

One, two, three, go.

Hey, aren't you gonna turn it
around pretty soon? You could lose it.

Well, as a matter of fact, it's
not supposed to come back.

It's what you might
call a suicide mission.



[WHISTLING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[BEEP]

It's the radar room. Come on.

[RADAR BLEEPING]

It locked unto us
almost a minute ago.

Collision course with
the top floor of this...

Minute ago?

That means it must
be moving very slowly.

Very. I've never seen
anything quite like it on radar.

See if our 1001 camera
can give us a visual fix.

Let's try some magnification.

It's only a toy.

Maybe.



Five hundred yards and closing.

That can't represent a
threat. It's not big enough.

They make a nuclear warhead the
size of a flashlight. It's big enough.

WOMAN: Four hundred
yards and closing.

I think it's time to take
in the welcome mat, Illya.

The laser beam?

Yeah. Set it for
250 yards, destruct.

-Set for 250. WOMAN: Three
hundred yards and closing.

Two-seven-five.

Two-six-five.

Two-five-five.

And bingo.

Malfunction. Hit
the second beam.

Two hundred yards and closing.

We can't stop it.

Take cover. Headquarters
is under attack.

SOLO [ON PA]: You have 20 seconds.
Take cover. The blast will come [mm above.

Take cover.

WOMAN: One hundred yards minus.

[RADAR BLEEPING]

I think you can leave the
rest to our imaginations.

Dud?

[MOTOR SPUTTERING]

“ Boom. You're dead.“

Incredible.
Absolutely incredible.

Yes, sir. That's
what we thought.

The delivery system.

Has it been examined
yet for clues...

as to who assembled it?

No. Riley, our detection expert,
hasn't checked in this morning.

When he does arrive, inform him that he's
to work directly with you and Mr. Kuryakin.

We must make absolutely certain that
no such breach of security occurs again.

Especially not today.

The meeting?

The so-called “Closet
Summit“ begins in our

conference suite in
less than eight hours.

We better put the entire building
under yellow alert for the rest of the day.

We wouldn't want anymore
embarrassing little lapses.

Particularly when we're playing
host to the world's top leaders.

It's vital that we know how
the attacker did what he did.

Therefore, should he strike again
you must take him alive and unharmed.

That is mandatory.

Well, you mean. Don't
shoot unless he shoots first?

I mean, Mr. Solo,
don't shoot at all.

Riley is usually most punctual.

Seems to me he said something about
a doctor's appointment. He'll be along.

Riley.

I was just checking
this out for you.

Thrush is issuing a few of these
to our more important agents.

Well, it's nice to know that I'm
considered to be one of the elite.

What is it?

It's an ordinary fountain pen...

until you twist this to
the right then to the left.

Press that level.

It's armed.

This weapon transmits an ultra-sonic
concussion of tremendous force.

You press it against
the head of your...

[BANG]

The brain, in effect,
is homogenized.

Death is
instantaneous, of course.

Oh, you needn't worry.
It's completely harmless.

Until you cock it again.

Any particular reason
that I'm getting this today?

Yes. The meeting.

We believe it will take place this evening
at the headquarters of the U.N.C.L.E.

I've been waiting
along time for this.

All of Thrush has been waiting.

Now, once and for all...

U.N.C.L.E. will be
completely discredited.

With some of the world's most
important people being blown to bits...

under U.N.C.L.E.'s
very own 1001...

“discredited“ would
hardly cover it.

Now let's recap. Go through
the plan with me once more.

- But it's such an absurdly simple...
- Please.

Indulge me.

I enjoy hearing my
own brilliance confirmed.

All right.

The operation began months
ago when I discovered...

that the conference suite at
U.N.C.L.E. was to be redecorated.

We located...

You located the furniture
manufacturer who

was custom building
the conference table...

and managed to plant an explosive
in the table just before it was delivered.

On the table.

The entire tabletop is a
layer of plastic explosive...

about a half an inch thick.

Enough to demolish the
entire floor of the building.

Right.

Now, this particular plastic
requires an explosion to detonate it.

And as a trigger, we
devised an ashtray.

An ashtray made from a
different type of plastic explosive.

One that is detonated
by heat alone.

- The heat from a lighted cigarette.
- Excellent.

Excellent, that's
the beauty pan.

That table has been sitting
there, absolutely harmless...

just waiting for
the trigger device.

And this afternoon, I'll put the
lethal ashtray on the conference table.

There are bound to be
smokers at the meeting.

And exactly 15 seconds after it
has been touched by a hot cigarette...

the ashtray goes “bang.“

And the table goes “boom.“

And we write off
U.N.C.L.E. as a world power.

Now for your
final instructions...

we're abandoning
this cover as of today.

You will use one of the
prearranged escape routes.

You mean... I won't
be seeing you again?

Well, if you do, you
won't recognize me.

Don't worry, someone will be
contacting you along the way.

Hard to believe that I won't
recognize you next time around.

Oh, you can
believe it, Mr. Riley.

Best of luck.

Thank you, doctor.

But I won't need any luck.

Nothing has been
overlooked in this plan of yours.

Lots of mustard, please.

But we can't
change the date now.

All the announcements have
been mailed and everything.

I'm not saying we
should change the date.

I just said I have to take my
vacation when they tell me to.

Charlie Andrews decides he
wants to take the next two weeks.

But doesn't he know we're
getting married tomorrow?

Of course he does, but he's got this
chance to go bone fishing in Florida.

And he does have seniority.

Walter, everybody in
the world has seniority...

when you let them push
you around the way you do.

-I gotta get back to
the office. KAY: Ah!

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Oh, gosh.

Look at me. I'm all
over with mustard.

That is a mess. You better
not go back to the store.

There's a cleaning
store right here.

I'm sure they can make the necessary
repairs and, of course, I insist on paying.

Now, look, it was an accident.

Will you please stop
acting like a teddy bear?

- It wasn't his fault.
- I won't have it any other way.

I'm know they can take care of
you very quickly. There you go.

- Kay?
- Oh, that's all right, Walter.

You going back to the office.

- Call me when you get back to store.
- Okay.

Hey, wait a minute. How do I know
you're not a kidnapper or something?

Really, miss. Do I
look that untrustworthy?

No, you look absolutely
harmless. That's the story of my life.

- Hello.
- Bit of an accident. Mustard.

You can slip out of your dress
right in here, my dear, that's it.

Hey, wait a minute.

You said something?

Nothing, nothing. Let's get on
with it before she catches cold.

Say, you wouldn't happen to be one
of those crazy guys from the TV shows?

Silly question.

Nothing exciting
ever happens to me.

Maybe you don't know
when you're well off.

Oh, I know.

It's just that when you've had a
very nice, dull, sate upbringing...

and you're gonna many a
very nice, dull, safe, guy...

well, you can't help wishing
something exciting would happen.

You know what I mean?

Oddly enough, I do
know what you mean.

And furthermore, I agree.

I agree most heartily.

Ah!

Ah!

- Hey.
- Uh-uh.

Flat on the floor.

Face down, if you please.

That's a good boy.

[LAUGHING]

Surprise, surprise.

Now, if we can
just understand...

how you came through the
booth in the cleaning shop.

Well, I keep telling
you, I really don't know.

I was just leaning against the
wall one minute and “Wham“...

I was right down the rabbit
hole or through the looking glass.

You don't think I really
wanted to do this, do you?

We don't know. We are
checking your identification now.

Well, while you're checking, would
you mind giving me back my clothes...

so I can go back to work?

I'm afraid we're going to
have to keep you a little longer.

Can't one of the girls
loan her an outfit?

Look, I'm getting
married tomorrow...

and I have to replace the new
girl at the store to replace me...

while I'm on my honeymoon.

Look, it's really terribly
important that I go.

I don't know who you are.

[CRYING]

I don't know where I am.

Please, I'll be so happy
to forget this madhouse...

this chrome and
gunmetal madhouse.

Please, please, could I go?

I'm sorry.

Not now, it just not possible, not
until we know a little more about you.

Here now. Put these
on and try and relax.

And I'll look in on you
again in a few minutes.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

I ran a check on the girl's identification.
No holes in the story so far.

Which may only mean
she has a good cover.

Guess we'll have to try
the Jekyll-Hyde routine.

She's an attractive girl. Why
don't I be her friend this time.

You haven't played
villain for a long time.

Because you do it
much better than I do.

The penalty of playing my part
successfully. Now I'm typecast?

- That's right.
- I'd better go and snarl at her.

You will come to my
rescue soon, won't you?

I'm always afraid I might
get carried away with the role.

- Oh, Hi.
- Hi.

Whoever put this together did it with stuff
you can get at any stocked hobby shop.

I think it's just some
sort of elaborate joke.

Oh, really.

Well, this elaborate joke managed to
get through our laser defense system.

Now, that took some doing.

Well, I'll look at the roof
installation when I've finished here.

See if there was
any sign of sabotage.

Sorry I missed all the
excitement this morning.

Looks like I picked the
wrong day to get a checkup.

- No problem. You healthy?
- Oh, sure, healthy as a horse.

- Okay, stay that way. I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

Urgent, urgent, Dr. Egret.

EGRET [ON RADIO]: Egret here.

Have you started another attack?

Is there someone else
operating independent of me?

Negative. You are
the whole show.

No. I am not.

Something is going on over here.
Someone's got the whole place stirred up.

An alert has been posted
until after the meeting.

Any actual interference
with your mission?

Negative, not yet.

Still, this could
be very bad for us.

If you should intercept this
free agent, eliminate him.

You're lying. I know you're lying
and I'm sick to death of your lies.

All right, I'll give you a few
minutes that's all I can allow you.

Then we'll get the
truth out of you with...

or without your cooperation.

- My tum?
- Your tum.

If she's an agent,
she's quite a good one.

I beg your pardon.

I seem to be a bit turned
around. Which way is the elevator?

You are turned around,
sir. It's back that way.

Oh, thank you so much.

The more I shout at her, the more I
feel she's exactly what she claims to be.

- What's the matter?
- I don't think that man was wearing badge.

Ridiculous. Every alarm would...

No, he wasn't wearing
a badge. Hey, mister!

[ALARM BEEPING]

[WHISTLING]

- That man, where'd he go?
- Into the elevator.

The elevator's operating?

Well, gentlemen,
shall we take the stairs?

[WHISTLING]

And the alarm system did a complete
about face from its normal operation.

The intruder, without a badge,
was able to walk through...

completely undetected
by electronic sensors.

But when we went after him, wearing
badges, every alarm in the place goes off.

Yes, I'm well aware that the
alarm system was triggered.

I was trapped for 45 minutes in
the men's room without my pipe.

The elevator, which is programmed
to stop dead during a security alert...

was functioning beautifully.
When we finally caught up with it...

- the man seemed to have gone up in smoke.
- As well, we all may...

it our security system continues
cooperating with the wrong people.

Yes, that brings me to an
urgent recommendation.

- Yes?
- I think the meeting should be postponed.

01 another place should be found
outside U.N.C.L.E. headquarters, right?

Right.

It's too late for any
such change in plans.

Well, headquarters
should be inspected inch

by inch, particularly
the conference suite.

Our visitor could have been
anywhere in this building.

WAVERLY: I agree
to that. Mr. Riley.

You and your people had better
attend to the conference suite itself.

Yes, sir, I'll get right on it.

Mr. Solo, what about that
other matter, the young lady?

Well, as of now we are convinced
that the girl is 99 percent harmless.

Ninety-nine percent won't do. That
one percent of uncertainty can kill you.

Well, you seem to have got
your work cut out for yourselves.

I'd better see to that inspection
of the building you suggested.

All right and I'll dispose of the last
one percent of doubt about the girl.

Why, he was the most
terrible man I ever met.

And the way he talked to
me, like I was a criminal.

Oh, it's a streak of sadism. Illya has
always been a little unstable, you see.

Don't worry, though. I
won't let him hurt you.

Oh, don't you let
him come near me.

I don't know what I would
do if I ever saw him again.

Who are you?

What right do you have to
snatch people off the streets...

practically...

and lock them up here like this?

Well, I can't really do
much explaining, you

see, but there are
good reasons for all this.

Very important reasons also.

And because of them, you're
just going to have to wait here...

until we find out positively that you
are exactly what you say you are.

What?

You mean, I might even
miss my own wedding?

Why, that's...

terrible.

[LAUGHS]

Do you know what
I just almost said?

I almost said,
“That's wonderful.“

[LAUGHING]

Why would I say
a thing like that?

How could I even be happy
about missing my own wedding?

[CRYING]

Oh, maybe it just a case of
last-minute nerves, I think.

I don't know what to think.

Oh, many people get that
way, just before getting married.

I've been told.

I'm so darned mixed up.

[HICCUPS]

[HICCUPS]

I've got the hiccups.

Is there something
I can do for you?

Oh, it's nothing. I always
get the hiccups when I cry.

Could you get me a
glass of water, please?

Coming right up.

[HICCUPPS]

You're hungry. I'll get
you something to eat.

Thank you. Ah!

[KAY WHIMPERING]

“Something to eat," he says.

You discovered them, I see.

They're coming out of
every tap in the building.

I found this taped to a
pipe in the basement.

Just read it to me. Is it
like the one in the plane?

Instead of “Boom.
You're dead“...

this one says, "Ecch,
you're poisoned.“

“ Etch“?

We're not, of course.
They're perfectly harmless.

I believe they called
them “guppies.“

[LAUGHING]

I know where I am.

I was right the first time.

I did fall down a rabbit hole.

And this is a mad,
mad tea party.

We found where he
intercepted the water system.

It's underground,
about a block away.

Fortunately he sent us
fish and not strychnine...

since we were powerless...

to defend ourselves against
anything in our water supply.

Well, that's being attended
to. A filtration system.

What about the girl? Is
she over her hysteria?

Oh, Illya's with her now. Since
he dropped his Rasputin act...

they're getting along
much better now.

You haven't been able to find out how
the man managed to get in the building?

Well, if he pays us a return
visit, we'll be ready for him.

I've shut down the alarm system.

Now, he made it work for him.
Let see how he gets along without it.

Anything yet, Mr. Riley?

No, sir. The adjoining rooms are
all clean. We've just begun in here.

Something like two hours more
before our guests begin arriving.

You still intend
to go on with it?

WAVERLY: I've told you, it's
too late to change plans new.

Might assuage some of
Mr. Solo's concern, Mr. Riley...

it you were to seal the
entrances to this suite...

when you've completed
your examination.

Yes sir, I'll do that.

Is there anything I
can do to help in here?

No, no, everything
is under control.

Well, I'm glad
someone can say that.

WOMAN [ON PA]: Mr. Sale, came to
the security entrance, please. Mr. Sula.

Let me know when
you finish up in here.

All right.

You find something?

Well, I'm not certain, but
I wanna run a test on this.

Looks like a standard
composition material to me.

It looks like it, but it
doesn't smell like it.

I'll come along with
you, maybe I can help.

Fine.

He came in about
five minutes ago.

Mr. Del Floria told him Miss
Baker went back to work...

but he isn't buying any.

Evidently not. Let's see
what Del Floria thinks.

[PHONE RINGING]

Del Floria cleaners.

SOLO: What do you think, is
your friend going to be back?

You can make book on it.

Don't let it get out of hand, if it
looks like he's going to make waves...

let's invite him in
nut of the weather.

By the way it's going, we could have
half of Manhattan in hereby nightfall.

I've always been partial to a
well-put-together infernal machine myself.

But plastics have
a fascination too.

This has a smell a
little like what they're

using new as a solid
propellant for rockets.

Give it a heat test first.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

What else you gonna try?

Oh, you know. Heat, impact,
electric shock, explosion.

[BANG]

[MACHINE STOPS]

[WHISTLING]

Still haven't mastered
the staircase in the dark?

You must have bat blood in you to find your
way up through that cave every morning.

The practice of
years, that's all it takes.

Well, time to have another go at
them. Everything all right so far?

- Yes. It's actually going quite well.
- Good.

[WHISTLING]

Would you tell Mr. Ledbetter,
please. That his fiancee called?

Thank you. There was a very
sudden illness in the family.

A dear uncle.

And tell him, please, that I will
meet him at City Hall tomorrow...

for the wedding.

Thank you.

What's the matter?

[KAY SIGHS]

Am I gonna be able to
get married tomorrow?

You still don't know whether
you're gonna let me go?

We'll know soon enough. We're
running a security check on you.

We'll know your life history...

from the day you were born
right up until this morning.

Big deal.

You could engrave the whole
thing on the head of a pin...

and still have room left over
for the Gettysburg Address.

Listen, there's a lot to be said
for the quiet life, don't knock it.

That's what everybody says.

You know something?

In spite of being scared to death by
everything that happened to me here...

I really enjoyed it all.

I know it sounds
ridiculous, but it's true.

This is a day I'll
always remember.

I should say that's a
pretty accurate description.

I should say this is a day when
one will very much never forget.

No matter how hard we try.

Huh?

I'll be along in a minute.

Solo and Kuryakin are coming by
for a last look before we lock it up.

- The place is completely clean?
- Completely.

Once they sit down at this table,
there won't be a thing to worry about.

Uh-uh. Wouldn't want
the leaders of the world...

to be presented with a
dirty ashtray, would we?

You're quite right.

If we can't impress
them with our security,

we can at least show
them that we're neat.

What happened?

I don't know.

It felt like electricity.

[GRUNTS]

ILLYA: I felt it too.

It's an electric charge running
through the metal walls and flooring.

The fuses, come on.

Gentlemen, I wish to surrender.

I don't think you have
choice in the matter.

No, no, you see. I've
just found something...

in there.

And in view of today's unusually
important security requirements...

I thought it might be useful to
provide a little outside stimulation...

in the person of
Mr. Hemingway here.

You see, I was simply meant to be a son
of gadfly just to sting you into awareness.

I thought it might be
something like that.

When you insisted
the meeting go on...

I presumed that you knew more
about the attacks than the rest of us...

- and that they'd continue to be harmless.
- Quite right.

Except that now they
appear not to be harmless.

A man is dead.

You surely don't think I...

Are you quite certain that
Mr. Hemingway is entirely trustworthy?

Entirely.

Among other things, he
happens to be my brother-in-law.

He's also a professor
of logic at YIT.

No, we shall have to look elsewhere
for the killer of Agent Morgan.

And we better begin
looking instantly.

Morgan was a member of Mr. Riley's
bomb-detection crew, isn't that so?

Yes, and he was last seen
alive in the conference suite.

So it may be that
Morgan found something...

and his killer acted to
prevent his giving the alarm.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Yes? WOMAN: First
group of guests has arrived.

Very well. Show them
into the reception room.

Under no circumstances are they
to go near the conference suite...

until I pass the word.

Point of no return, huh?

I shall have to receive
them, of course.

I'm afraid you two
will have to carry on.

Gentlemen, if I wouldn't be
in the way, may I join you?

Yes, of course, it'd be nice to
know where you are for a change.

And whose side you're on.

- Thanks for sending out for this.
- The least we could do.

I hope it hasn't been
too unpleasant for you.

Well, I can't complain about a
completely dull existence anymore.

- You're gonna tum me loose?
- Afraid not, it's a new ball game.

One of our agents
has been murdered.

His body was found down the corridor
a few doors from the interrogation room.

You don't think I had to do with
it because I was alone in there"?

We don't think anything,
but we can't take chances...

even with a girl whose whole life
can be engraved on the head of a pin.

Gentlemen, Miss
Lonison, please be seated.

I think you all may be
wondering why you're here tonight.

Of course, one of you
doesn't have to guess.

That one already knows.

Morgan was murdered.
As to how, we don't know...

except that, evidently, some
kind of exotic device was used...

because his brain was destroyed.

What about him?

Finding him and Morgan's body
together. Doesn't that mean something?

Now, really.

Waverly vouched
for him. Besides that...

Mr. Hemingway is the only one
among us tonight that is here voluntarily.

Sure, he volunteered.

How else was he
gonna get in here?

Because he wanted to help.
Whether he stays or not is up to him.

However, the rest of
you have no choice.

You are all going to
remain here this evening...

until we find out why
Morgan was murdered.

As I understand it, the dead man
had been searching this room, huh?

That's right. That
gives us a hint.

Apparently, Morgan found something
and the murderer acted to silence him.

Well, then surely
it's fairly logical...

that as Mr. Morgan was
a bomb detective expert...

he very possibly
detected a bomb.

Right here in this room.

A bomb that was intended to
blow up this evening's meeting.

And so gentlemen...

and Miss Lonison...

here we all sit,
everyone's suspect...

waiting for a confession.

Or for an explosion.

You mean we're
just gonna sit here.

- That's the agenda.
- Well, I think it stinks.

Ah!

[EXPLOSION]

[ALARM SOUNDS]

Take care of him.

ILLYA: Stairs.
- Wait, I can stop him.

Electronic scrambler reverses the function
of all automatic circuitry systems.

That what you used
to foul up our alarm?

Right. I've stopped the elevator
and he's trapped between floors.

I'll open the door for you.

I suppose we could
wait for reinforcements.

Oh, we could. But after seeing
what he just did with the ashtray...

I don't wanna wait a second
longer than is necessary.

All right. Ready
when you are, IK.

[BANG]

[BANG]

What was that sound?

The fountain pen?

Yeah, it looks like
permanent writer's cramp.

[CHATTERING]

The conference room is ready?

Yes, the damage has been
screened off and the table replaced.

Excellent. A near miss for
Thrush, but a miss, nonetheless.

I think I'll be going if
you've nothing more for me.

If you wish.

I'm sure these young men here...

will regret not being able to
go on matching wits with you...

but they'll bear up.

I'm sure we will.

ILLYA: One thing
still puzzles me.

The malfunction of the laser
gun during the airplane attack.

Just how did you manage that?

- Well, I...
- I'm afraid I'm responsible for that.

You see, I had to have a
valid excuse for ordering you...

not to use violence
on our friend here.

My wife would never forgive me if
I somehow damaged her brother.

As for the rest of it, well, you know, any
student of logic could have done the same.

Even this electronic scrambler. Simply
a variation on the same mechanism...

used to change television
receiver channels by remote control.

You see, you've been prepared here
for almost every form of exotic attack...

but you've been absolutely
wide open for anything mundane.

Yes, it does shake
one up a bit...

to realize we've been at the mercy
of the utility companies all this time.

- Do you know who's in there?
- Well, I have a pretty good idea.

And they talked to me.

Why not.

Oh, if you'll excuse me, I must
tell them to begin the conference.

Oh, I think the young
lady can be released new.

Obviously, the danger is passed.

Come on.

So you don't suppose...? Do you think that
I might...? I might have a job in there?

What, in this chrome and gunmetal
madhouse? Isn't that what you called it?

But that was before I knew.

Besides, after a
day like today...

how could I go back to
a teddy bear like Walter?

WALTER [ON MONITOR]:
Let me go. Hold it.

SOLO: Looks like your boyfriend
has come back to find you this time.

Your teddy bear has
turned into a wild grizzly.

I would say that he put up
quite a fight trying to find you.

Hey, let me out of here before
they drag him off to the pokey.

KAY: How about that.

Right back through
the looking glass.

Thank you.

Do you think she'll tell him what
happened? Where she was and who she saw?

I'd bet on it.

I'd also bet that he
won't believe a word of it.

Would you?

[ENGLISH SDH]