The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Dove Affair - full transcript
Solo steals a dove-shaped medal from the body of the leader of a European nation as the corpse lies in state. The medal has information concerning Thrush personnel operating in the country. The UNCLE agent must contend with Satine, a master spy in the employ of the European nation as well as the country's security police, who are working for officials under the control of Thrush. Solo is assisted by Miss Taub, who is supervising a group of students on a European tour.
WOMAN: Premier Milo
Jans died two weeks ago.
As premier, it was his task...
to unite the dissident
nationalities into one nation...
and to dispel foreign interests.
Miss Taub, what's that...?
What's that medal there?
Well, I believe that's the
Order of Jans, the peace prize.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING AND YELLING]
TAUB: Are you all right? Is anybody
hurt? BOY: No, we're okay, Miss Taub.
TAUB: Let's get out of here.
Come on, now. Oh, my goodness.
The dove?
- You are Satine?
- He sent me.
Did you get the dove?
I put it away. You are
to help me to escape?
Can you get me
out of this country?
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
Your tie. Give me your tie.
Now, over the side and
behind the post. Go ahead.
Did you see him fall?
He was quite close to you.
- So it would seem, colonel.
- We had wanted him alive.
Yes, I, too, would
have preferred that.
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
[RADIO STATIC CRACKLES]
Open the Red Line.
[DEVICE BEEPING]
WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: Red Line is open.
- Solo here, sir, the overseas relay.
The dove?
It's in the U.N.C.L.E.
drop on the Rahmer Bridge.
You must bring it
home at once. Now.
Mr. Waverly, you detailed
me abroad to Sernia.
Now, Premier Jans was
to give me a silver dove.
Now, Jans died
while I was en route.
The only message I've had from
you was to get the silver dove...
at all hazards nevertheless.
All right. Now, I've done that, and
the entire official apparatus is after me.
I can't get out of this country.
If you make it to the American embassy,
someone there can give you cover.
Or what about Satine...
the man I told you to contact
on the Rahmer Bridge?
Well, I made
that contact, sir...
and Satine's agent just about
smuggled me out of this world.
- I was afraid of that.
- Who is this Satine?
Mr. Satine is the first deputy chief at
KREB, the Sernian secret intelligence.
No photograph has
ever been taken of him.
Even his coworkers at KREB
don't know what he really looks like.
Oh, yes. We do know that
he has stomach troubles.
He has stomach trouble?
He imports some special
drugs from England.
Satine was devoted to Premier
Jans. That's why he was to help you.
With the death of Jans, he's
probably picked another side.
Sir, would you tell me
just what the sides are...
and why this dove
is so important?
- Thrush is involved.
- Breaking contact, sir.
[GUARD GRUNTS]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
It was a plot by certain
forces of the West.
The Americans had their hands...
- My friends, my dear, dear friends.
- Premier Earnst, it's a pleasure.
May I introduce Mr. Solo,
a visitor from my country?
- Premier Earnst. Mr. Linz.
SOLO: How do you do?
AMBASSADOR: First
secretary of the cabinet.
Premier Earnst, may I offer
you my personal condolences...
and those of the United
States at the loss of Milo Jans.
And of course it was
shocking, just shocking, that...
That incident at the tomb.
Oh, yes, Mr. Ambassador.
Yes, it was.
- Why would anyone do a thing like that?
- Uh, excuse me.
I have forgotten to tell you about
the Trade Commission's last proposal.
- Would you excuse us,
please? EARNST: Excuse me.
AMBASSADOR: Be my guest.
They, uh, didn't
like that question.
If, uh...
If Milo's death were to be
exposed as a plot by U.N.C.L.E...
and, uh, if one of their agents could
be captured and brought to trial...
and if, during this trial, a plot
to overthrow the government...
by U.N.C.L.E. was exposed...
then Milo's mysterious death,
the incident at the tomb...
all could be laid to rest.
Perhaps the truth is more
important now than a trial.
All are agreed, my premier...
that public confidence in our
regime has precedence over truth.
At least for now.
What we need is an
U.N.C.L.E. agent, a live one...
to be brought to public trial.
And I think I could
use another glass.
You? Oh, no. But of course.
You don't drink, do you?
- No, none for me.
- No, of course not. Excuse me.
A cigar, please.
Milo Jans always felt that you were
the only one he could trust, Satine.
Thank you. I wonder,
might I hold the same trust?
Oh, surely, my premier.
As long as you take the position
that will best protect our nation.
What position is that?
For the moment, officially...
you must back your
first secretary, Linz.
Through him, Thrush has
control of your cabinet now...
and certain military echelons.
However, unofficially, I
shall recover the dove.
I will continue to see
that no U.N.C.L.E. agent...
is captured alive
to be brought to trial.
For the sake of U.N.C.L.E...
and ourselves.
Very well.
Find the U.N.C.L.E.
agent. Help him to escape.
Or kill him.
[LAUGHS]
With a stopwatch, it
has been demonstrated...
that I can draw and
fire my gun accurately...
in one second.
Don't make any alarm.
EARNST: Waiter, may
I have a drink, please?
SATINE: Mr. Premier.
- Thank you.
Now, the, uh, problem...
[CHUCKLES]
[BRAKES SCREECH THEN FOOTSTEPS]
COLONEL: We have
been waiting for you...
Mr. Solo, I believe is the name.
You are under arrest for the
conspiracy in the murder of Milo Jans.
[PHONE DIAL CLICKING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE OVER PHONE]
I have First Secretary
Linz on the wire.
Linz.
How can you, with your
bureaucratic, obstructional tactics...?
The prisoner will not be moved
without hand-carried authority.
He will not be searched.
His person will not be touched.
COLONEL: But
security. Think of security.
Regulations say that a
suspected enemy of the state...
when apprehended, will not
be moved until it is ascertained...
whether he falls under the jurisdiction
of Civil or Military Intelligence.
And I, of course,
speak for our civil arm.
[GULPS]
COLONEL: Your papers, please.
He refuses to give his
name, only the designation.
It's K-R-1-2-5-6...
Yes, that is this week, colonel.
But as you know, the digits change.
I will prepare the
necessary forms.
You come yourself to
pick them up, colonel.
Satine. Satine.
MAN: Was it Satine?
- How can anyone know?
Satine has arranged
Civil Intelligence...
so that hundreds of its
agents have identical authority.
And their designation
is numerical.
And they rotate the numbers.
So any or all or none
of them could be Satine.
There is no way of telling.
Well, Thrush thinks you
should find a way, Linz.
We have an U.N.C.L.E. agent.
All that remains is for us to know
how much Satine knows about us.
To do that, we must
know who Satine is.
Thrush strongly thinks
you should find a way.
[FOOTSTEPS IN DISTANCE]
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
TAUB: Come on now, students.
Stick together, now. You
know, we have to hurry.
We've got to get back to the hotel
and pack, or we're gonna miss the train.
BOY: We came 8000
miles to see smog.
[BOY LAUGHS]
TAUB: Come along, now.
Hey, what are they
doing? Arresting someone?
Shh. No, come on,
now. We really must go.
BOY: No, hey, wait a minute,
Miss Taub. I wanna see.
I wouldn't take that fall again.
You could never be lucky
enough to survive twice.
Be ready. Something may explode.
[EXPLOSION BOOMS]
[STUDENTS COUGHING]
TAUB: Are you all
right? You're sure, now?
- You're all right, are
you? BOY: Yes, I'm fine.
- Was that a bomb?
- It sure was.
Come on.
Hey, did you see that
guy run? The prisoner?
[POLICE SIREN
BLARING IN DISTANCE]
[POLICE SIREN BLARING NEARBY]
[BOTH GASPING]
Satine himself, isn't it?
You've been trying to kill
me for the last two days.
Well, for a man
with your reputation...
you're doing a pretty
sloppy job of the whole thing.
[TIRES SCREECH NEARBY]
- Quickly, hide.
- Where?
Out of sight.
- I tried to stop him. I tried, but...
- Where did he go?
All right. You drive.
No, no.
It is simply my medicine
pills. My stomach is very upset.
You know, your people go in for
these gadgets more than we do.
Cyanide spray?
With a CO2 cartridge to
insure sufficient trajectory.
It's accurate up
to three meters.
Pull over.
Out.
[SIGHS]
You'll never make it to the border
without me. You need my help.
Believe me, I have
your interests at heart.
Also, you must let me have
that dove. It's most important.
Out.
- Are you going to kill me?
- Unfortunately, I'm a professional.
I can't just because I
want to. I have to know why.
Uh, don't use the car
any longer than necessary.
It's stolen.
LINZ: Three men.
You lost three men.
Well, I don't care if he
kills half of your army...
including you, colonel.
We want that
U.N.C.L.E. agent alive.
MAN: If I may, Secretary Linz.
Each time we've had our
hands on an U.N.C.L.E. agent...
he's been snatched from them,
either by accident or design.
And each time, the
same man was present.
That alone tells
us a great deal.
Who knows? Heh.
Perhaps we shall find Satine...
when we find Solo.
CONDUCTOR: All aboard.
Westbound Milo Jans Express.
Board.
All aboard.
Westbound Express.
Board.
TAUB: Come on, now.
Come on. Everybody out.
Now, we have to all
stay together here.
Stay together, because we
have to meet our travel guide.
I don't know, where could he be?
The Tub is really shook.
- Well, after all, two bombs in two days.
- Heh, yeah.
Don't call Miss Taub
a tub. She's very upset.
Well, I'm very upset too.
Uh, Miss Taub, Miss Taub,
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, dear.
Oh, well, all right, then, go
ahead. But don't be too long.
Thank you, Miss Taub.
Hey, this place is really
swarming with soldiers.
Maybe it's got to do with
that thing at the tomb.
GUARD: Whom are you speaking to?
BOY: No one. I'm with the American school.
We're waiting for our travel
representative, Mr. Brickman.
SOLO: And I'm Mr. Brickman.
Yes, forgive the delay, Miss Taub.
Last-minute changes in
itinerary and that sort of thing.
- Changes in our itinerary?
- Well, no. Mine, actually.
Children, come along. We
mustn't delay the train. You too, Kirk.
- Uh, the tickets, may I have them?
- Well, I have ours.
Um, I don't have yours,
though. Was I supposed to?
Well, it would've been
nice, yes. Come along.
TAUB: Oh, uh, come
along, everybody.
SOLO: Come, come,
children. Step aboard.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
TAUB: Hurry up, now.
Move right in, move in.
Mustn't waste any time, now.
[WHISTLE TOOTS]
- All right. All aboard...
- That's going aboard.
Uh, go ahead, Miss Taub.
I'll join you in a moment.
Oh, farewell, my
brother. Farewell.
SATINE: What do you think you're doing?
- Those guards are watching us.
SATINE: They never
question my papers.
Well, if you try and stop me
after this tender scene, they will.
I can't bare to see you go.
[GRUNTS]
Guards, guards. Will you
look after my brother, please?
We're very close, and
he's overcome with grief.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
CONDUCTOR: Please
remain in your compartments.
Have your passports, visas
and tickets ready, please.
[WHISTLE TOOTING]
Please remain in
your compartments.
Have your passports, visas
and tickets ready, please.
Well, gentlemen, I think
you've been hiding from me.
I've been up and down these halls
five times in the last three minutes...
looking for some
semblance of authority.
That's strange. We have
tried to overlook no one, Mr...?
Brickman. At least, my reservations
were made under that name.
Now, my travel bureau has brought
countless tourists to this country.
As a matter of fact, Milo Jans himself
once sent me a warm note of appreciation...
for my contributions to
your country's commerce.
Now I'm here escorting a
group of American students...
and their teacher...
extolling your country's
virtues, buying your products...
and warming to the
generosity of your people.
And all I've asked is that I be
given one private compartment...
just one, separate from
those juvenile delinquents.
If you will return to the
delinquents, Mr. Brickman...
we'll see what we can do about
finding other accommodations for you.
- Your compartment number?
- Well, no, no.
Not here. No, not again. Uh, just
let me wait here, please. It's all right.
No. No, I have a better idea.
There is a compartment
available at this moment.
This way.
We always hold
one compartment...
for any last-moment
"VIPs," I think you call them.
This way, Mr. Brickman.
Don't be shy, Mr. Brickman.
No, no, don't, uh...
Don't shut the door.
It's a little close in here.
CONDUCTOR: Dinner is now
being served in the dining car.
All cars forward.
Now, now. No, no.
Oh, believe me, this
time it's for my stomach.
No, no, no.
Well, this will never do.
I have a proposal to make.
Do you suppose we can discuss it in
a civilized and businesslike manner?
- Here?
- And you suggest...?
At dinner. In public.
[LAUGHING]
Fine. Fine.
No, the, uh... The
dining car is this way.
Well, I don't suppose I
could join you in a moment?
From now on, whatever we do...
we do together.
SATINE: Now,
time is our problem.
Or rather, your timing
coming to this country.
I must ask, if
only for a while...
for your trust.
And after you have my trust...
what do you
intend to do with it?
Drug it, drown it or bury it?
[SCOFFS]
Well, let's see what's on
the menu, huh? Garçon?
Um...
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Béarnaise sauce for you?
Oui, béarnaise sauce.
I have only two goals
at the present, Mr. Solo.
First, seeing that you avoid capture
and trial for a murder you didn't commit.
And second, recovering the dove.
The, uh, first goal, I
think you share with me.
[SATINE CHUCKLES]
Although we
might differ as to...
how you avoid capture.
You see...
it's this way in my
country with the two of us.
You and me.
Though different, we do,
under normal circumstances...
complement one another...
and in our respective ways,
help season and preserve.
Well, the point being
that, however peculiarly...
we do have common
interests and a common...
or rather, uncommon, enemy.
- Vinegar?
- Thrush.
Thrush murdered Milo Jans.
[STUDENTS GIGGLING
AND CHATTERING]
What is it?
Children.
I never liked them
when I was one of them.
They frightened me
then, and they do now.
Mr. Brickman.
- Oh, Miss, uh...? TAUB: Taub.
Yes, yes, I was just
shocked to be reminded...
I have so attractive a
traveling companion.
Oh, thank you. I'm sorry that
you have to be reminded at all.
Uh, well, what I mean is, I do wish
you'd let me know where you were.
There was a little
trouble with the conductor.
But it's all right
now. It's all all right.
Uh, won't you please join us?
Well, if you're sure I
won't be interrupting.
Well, I am sorry, Miss Taub, but at
this moment, my friend and I must...
We must consider ourselves
honored that you will join us.
TAUB: Thank you. If
you're sure it's all right. Um...
Is there anything, uh,
special on the menu?
Well, we almost
ordered the, uh, dove.
The dove?
Yes, uh, my friend wanted dove,
but it wasn't on his menu, you see...
[ALL GASP]
TAUB: Oh, dear.
- Oh...
- You will excuse us. Now.
Yes, we'll be back in a
moment. We'll just have to dry off.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE ON RADIO]
Russell?
Come over here and
bring that thing with you.
Now, look, I have told you those
things are forbidden. Now, give it to me.
- Now?
- Right now.
But it's... It's not turned off.
At this point, I don't care
whether it is or it isn't. Kirk?
Kirk, give me yours now too.
- Oh, I don't have it.
TAUB: Well, where is it?
I don't know. I'll
have to look for it.
Well, then you'd
better go and look for it.
But my dinner will get cold.
You want my dinner to get cold?
Well, all right, then go and look for it
as soon as you finish your dinner, then.
RUSSELL: Where is it?
- I hid it in the washroom.
I left mine turned on too.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING AND
SHUFFLING OVER RADIO]
- Yeah, trust.
- That water wasn't meant to kill.
I simply wanted time
to search for the dove.
It's of no value to you now.
Well, I don't know that, since I
don't know what that dove contains.
That, uh, delicate dove,
the Jans Peace Prize...
has the names of
countless Thrush agents...
engraved on its wings, as
well as their order of battle...
in every key city of this
country, in case of revolt.
All painstakingly,
microscopically engraved.
- And Jans did this?
SATINE: At my request.
Their strength is such...
that we feared we would
need U.N.C.L.E.'s help.
SOLO: You wanted U.N.C.L.E.
to have the information then.
- Why don't you want us to have it now?
- I told you.
Premier Jans was strong
enough to move against them...
with U.N.C.L.E.'s help.
But Premier Earnst
is still too vulnerable.
If Thrush discovers that dove
and the information it contains...
they would be forced to
try to smash us at once.
No, U.N.C.L.E. will
protect the dove.
We dare not chance it.
Until we are strong enough...
the existence of that dove
is a gun pointed at our heads.
It must be destroyed.
I'm sorry.
My orders are to bring it home.
Thrush is an international
band of renegades...
and they exist in many
areas besides your nation.
And my organization is at war against
them no matter where we find them.
It is never pleasant
to kill one's friends...
to save them from one's enemies.
But in our business,
unpleasantries often occur.
If I can bring the
dove back home...
U.N.C.L.E. can be of
considerable help to you.
We are, as you
know, very effective.
No, it's too great a
risk, too great a risk.
I will recover the dove.
But I will also do
this much for you.
When I recover the dove,
and if it's humanly possible...
I'll... I'll help you
to cross the border.
Now, failing that...
I must kill you.
Uh, Mr. Brickman, may I
please see you alone now?
- No.
- Yes.
I'll be right there.
That was unnecessarily rude.
And if I were polite,
I might involve her...
and end up having to liquidate
a giddy young spinster...
which would be more
unnecessary and ruder still.
Now, what can I do for you?
Mr. Brickman, I have
a confession to make.
I know that you are
not Mr. Brickman.
I see.
Well, then if I'm not
Mr. Brickman, who am I?
I don't know. But I do
know that you are a spy.
Did you kill Mr. Brickman?
Ha, well, of course I
didn't kill Mr. Brickman.
Whatever gave you
a silly idea like that?
I overheard you in the
washroom, on the walkie-talkie.
The walkie-talkie?
I heard everything.
I see, and you retain things
very well, very systematically.
And I know precisely what
you mean by "the dove."
- I've seen it.
- Where?
Last night, when you
took it. I was there.
You were there?
- Doing what?
- Teaching.
Teaching? There?
Well, in a peripatetic
sort of way, yes.
You know, Europe is
just one big museum...
and I walk through it.
Museums, cathedrals,
mausoleums...
guidebook in one hand,
and students out of hand.
Well, you make it
sound, uh, pretty grim.
Oh, no. No, I like
teaching, really.
It's just that...
well, every once in a
while, one is reminded.
That explosion last night
and the one again tonight.
That really did it for me.
I spend so much time
in other people's pasts...
I may end up not
having one of my own.
Well, let's face it.
Who's going to want
to blow open my grave?
[BOYS CHUCKLING]
Hi. You're with
Mr. Brickman too, huh?
KIRK: Well, where's
he taking you?
- Come with me at once.
- Why?
- They won't leave me alone.
- Well, why not?
They think I am interesting.
So you are. I wouldn't
deny that for a moment.
Well, there are certain assaults
upon my sensibilities I cannot stand.
Well, then leave.
- Please.
- Sorry.
I have misjudged you.
You are not a gentleman.
[BOYS WHISPERING]
- I am sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.
He doesn't seem
that difficult to handle.
Well, it may be,
but I can't do it.
Would you like some help?
Why? I mean, why
should you offer?
Well, because I believe what
you're doing is the correct thing.
That simple.
Well, no, it's not
really that simple.
But I do like you...
and I'd like to help you,
for what that's worth.
You are a qualifier.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, it's an
occupational hazard.
Yes, I, uh, am
familiar with those.
And, no. I want
you to stay away.
If you are directly involved,
he can be very unpleasant.
And if not for yourself, you do
have your students to look after.
- Indirectly, then?
- No.
No, I've just got to get away
from him for two minutes.
May I ask why?
I, um, left something hanging.
In the air.
Really.
Uh, as a matter of fact, there is
something that you can do, um...
just by sticking
to your profession.
And so, well, Mr. Brickman's
companion may seem a little odd...
or perhaps even a
little unfriendly at times.
But just consider what
the poor man has suffered.
His country's leading poet,
condemned to exile and privation.
All his books banned.
Why, the poor man
is so frightened...
he's even afraid of the
sound of his own sonnets.
He's just trembling at the... At
his return to the land of the living.
I feel a little
squeamish about this.
But either you
give up the dove...
or Miss Taub gives up her life.
What are they staring at?
Well, maybe they, uh, heard you.
Do you think if we asked
him, he'd tell us about it?
Even recite one of his poems?
Oh, well, a man like that
could only be deeply affected...
by the interest of youth.
RUSSELL: Hey,
let's go talk to him.
ALL: Yeah. Let's talk to him.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Hello.
Why don't you tell us about it?
What?
What is it you want to know?
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
You don't remember
any of your poetry?
RUSSELL: Excuse me.
KIRK: Hey, what are you doing?
Famous poet, just returned
from exile. Get in the shot, Linda.
Now, give a little
cheese. Thattagirl.
Where...?
Where did you get that?
On that poster of Milo Jans in
the aisle, the one with the dove.
- Somebody stuck it there. RUSSELL:
I bet I get this thing published.
No. No photographs.
RUSSELL: He ruined
it. He ruined the picture.
SOLO: Did he?
All passengers will disembark
to cross the border immediately.
I repeat:
All passengers will
disembark immediately.
Better get them off
right away, Miss Taub.
Well, come on, now,
children. Come on, children.
Let's go.
[STUDENTS CHATTER]
We must hurry, now. Come on.
That idiotic colonel is the
one man who can identify me.
Make a wish.
- Truce?
- Truce.
I don't know who to kill first,
you, the colonel or myself.
They'll be boarding any minute.
If they capture you
alive and with the dove...
Miss Taub, do you still
have the walkie-talkies?
Yes.
All right, Satine.
It's time to go home.
[PASSENGERS CHATTERING]
The colonel's in the lead.
He's in the, uh... In the
third compartment, fourth car.
[OVER RADIO] Look out,
the colonel's getting off.
- The colonel's coming this way.
- Hurry.
- Think I've almost got it.
- Almost isn't enough. Now. Now.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
The colonel's coming
towards the engine.
Oh, I'm so glad. I
was afraid you didn't...
Without your help,
I wouldn't have.
- I am sorry about poor Satine.
- Don't be.
WAVERLY: One thing about
this photo puzzles me, though.
What's that, sir?
WAVERLY: Well, this... This
thing that looks like a large seashell.
SOLO: Oh, that, Mr. Waverly,
is all you will ever see of Satine...
and all I hope I'll ever see.
Watch yourself.
He may be listening.
[CHUCKLES]
That really isn't funny.
[ENGLISH SDH]
Jans died two weeks ago.
As premier, it was his task...
to unite the dissident
nationalities into one nation...
and to dispel foreign interests.
Miss Taub, what's that...?
What's that medal there?
Well, I believe that's the
Order of Jans, the peace prize.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING AND YELLING]
TAUB: Are you all right? Is anybody
hurt? BOY: No, we're okay, Miss Taub.
TAUB: Let's get out of here.
Come on, now. Oh, my goodness.
The dove?
- You are Satine?
- He sent me.
Did you get the dove?
I put it away. You are
to help me to escape?
Can you get me
out of this country?
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
Your tie. Give me your tie.
Now, over the side and
behind the post. Go ahead.
Did you see him fall?
He was quite close to you.
- So it would seem, colonel.
- We had wanted him alive.
Yes, I, too, would
have preferred that.
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
[RADIO STATIC CRACKLES]
Open the Red Line.
[DEVICE BEEPING]
WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: Red Line is open.
- Solo here, sir, the overseas relay.
The dove?
It's in the U.N.C.L.E.
drop on the Rahmer Bridge.
You must bring it
home at once. Now.
Mr. Waverly, you detailed
me abroad to Sernia.
Now, Premier Jans was
to give me a silver dove.
Now, Jans died
while I was en route.
The only message I've had from
you was to get the silver dove...
at all hazards nevertheless.
All right. Now, I've done that, and
the entire official apparatus is after me.
I can't get out of this country.
If you make it to the American embassy,
someone there can give you cover.
Or what about Satine...
the man I told you to contact
on the Rahmer Bridge?
Well, I made
that contact, sir...
and Satine's agent just about
smuggled me out of this world.
- I was afraid of that.
- Who is this Satine?
Mr. Satine is the first deputy chief at
KREB, the Sernian secret intelligence.
No photograph has
ever been taken of him.
Even his coworkers at KREB
don't know what he really looks like.
Oh, yes. We do know that
he has stomach troubles.
He has stomach trouble?
He imports some special
drugs from England.
Satine was devoted to Premier
Jans. That's why he was to help you.
With the death of Jans, he's
probably picked another side.
Sir, would you tell me
just what the sides are...
and why this dove
is so important?
- Thrush is involved.
- Breaking contact, sir.
[GUARD GRUNTS]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
It was a plot by certain
forces of the West.
The Americans had their hands...
- My friends, my dear, dear friends.
- Premier Earnst, it's a pleasure.
May I introduce Mr. Solo,
a visitor from my country?
- Premier Earnst. Mr. Linz.
SOLO: How do you do?
AMBASSADOR: First
secretary of the cabinet.
Premier Earnst, may I offer
you my personal condolences...
and those of the United
States at the loss of Milo Jans.
And of course it was
shocking, just shocking, that...
That incident at the tomb.
Oh, yes, Mr. Ambassador.
Yes, it was.
- Why would anyone do a thing like that?
- Uh, excuse me.
I have forgotten to tell you about
the Trade Commission's last proposal.
- Would you excuse us,
please? EARNST: Excuse me.
AMBASSADOR: Be my guest.
They, uh, didn't
like that question.
If, uh...
If Milo's death were to be
exposed as a plot by U.N.C.L.E...
and, uh, if one of their agents could
be captured and brought to trial...
and if, during this trial, a plot
to overthrow the government...
by U.N.C.L.E. was exposed...
then Milo's mysterious death,
the incident at the tomb...
all could be laid to rest.
Perhaps the truth is more
important now than a trial.
All are agreed, my premier...
that public confidence in our
regime has precedence over truth.
At least for now.
What we need is an
U.N.C.L.E. agent, a live one...
to be brought to public trial.
And I think I could
use another glass.
You? Oh, no. But of course.
You don't drink, do you?
- No, none for me.
- No, of course not. Excuse me.
A cigar, please.
Milo Jans always felt that you were
the only one he could trust, Satine.
Thank you. I wonder,
might I hold the same trust?
Oh, surely, my premier.
As long as you take the position
that will best protect our nation.
What position is that?
For the moment, officially...
you must back your
first secretary, Linz.
Through him, Thrush has
control of your cabinet now...
and certain military echelons.
However, unofficially, I
shall recover the dove.
I will continue to see
that no U.N.C.L.E. agent...
is captured alive
to be brought to trial.
For the sake of U.N.C.L.E...
and ourselves.
Very well.
Find the U.N.C.L.E.
agent. Help him to escape.
Or kill him.
[LAUGHS]
With a stopwatch, it
has been demonstrated...
that I can draw and
fire my gun accurately...
in one second.
Don't make any alarm.
EARNST: Waiter, may
I have a drink, please?
SATINE: Mr. Premier.
- Thank you.
Now, the, uh, problem...
[CHUCKLES]
[BRAKES SCREECH THEN FOOTSTEPS]
COLONEL: We have
been waiting for you...
Mr. Solo, I believe is the name.
You are under arrest for the
conspiracy in the murder of Milo Jans.
[PHONE DIAL CLICKING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE OVER PHONE]
I have First Secretary
Linz on the wire.
Linz.
How can you, with your
bureaucratic, obstructional tactics...?
The prisoner will not be moved
without hand-carried authority.
He will not be searched.
His person will not be touched.
COLONEL: But
security. Think of security.
Regulations say that a
suspected enemy of the state...
when apprehended, will not
be moved until it is ascertained...
whether he falls under the jurisdiction
of Civil or Military Intelligence.
And I, of course,
speak for our civil arm.
[GULPS]
COLONEL: Your papers, please.
He refuses to give his
name, only the designation.
It's K-R-1-2-5-6...
Yes, that is this week, colonel.
But as you know, the digits change.
I will prepare the
necessary forms.
You come yourself to
pick them up, colonel.
Satine. Satine.
MAN: Was it Satine?
- How can anyone know?
Satine has arranged
Civil Intelligence...
so that hundreds of its
agents have identical authority.
And their designation
is numerical.
And they rotate the numbers.
So any or all or none
of them could be Satine.
There is no way of telling.
Well, Thrush thinks you
should find a way, Linz.
We have an U.N.C.L.E. agent.
All that remains is for us to know
how much Satine knows about us.
To do that, we must
know who Satine is.
Thrush strongly thinks
you should find a way.
[FOOTSTEPS IN DISTANCE]
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
TAUB: Come on now, students.
Stick together, now. You
know, we have to hurry.
We've got to get back to the hotel
and pack, or we're gonna miss the train.
BOY: We came 8000
miles to see smog.
[BOY LAUGHS]
TAUB: Come along, now.
Hey, what are they
doing? Arresting someone?
Shh. No, come on,
now. We really must go.
BOY: No, hey, wait a minute,
Miss Taub. I wanna see.
I wouldn't take that fall again.
You could never be lucky
enough to survive twice.
Be ready. Something may explode.
[EXPLOSION BOOMS]
[STUDENTS COUGHING]
TAUB: Are you all
right? You're sure, now?
- You're all right, are
you? BOY: Yes, I'm fine.
- Was that a bomb?
- It sure was.
Come on.
Hey, did you see that
guy run? The prisoner?
[POLICE SIREN
BLARING IN DISTANCE]
[POLICE SIREN BLARING NEARBY]
[BOTH GASPING]
Satine himself, isn't it?
You've been trying to kill
me for the last two days.
Well, for a man
with your reputation...
you're doing a pretty
sloppy job of the whole thing.
[TIRES SCREECH NEARBY]
- Quickly, hide.
- Where?
Out of sight.
- I tried to stop him. I tried, but...
- Where did he go?
All right. You drive.
No, no.
It is simply my medicine
pills. My stomach is very upset.
You know, your people go in for
these gadgets more than we do.
Cyanide spray?
With a CO2 cartridge to
insure sufficient trajectory.
It's accurate up
to three meters.
Pull over.
Out.
[SIGHS]
You'll never make it to the border
without me. You need my help.
Believe me, I have
your interests at heart.
Also, you must let me have
that dove. It's most important.
Out.
- Are you going to kill me?
- Unfortunately, I'm a professional.
I can't just because I
want to. I have to know why.
Uh, don't use the car
any longer than necessary.
It's stolen.
LINZ: Three men.
You lost three men.
Well, I don't care if he
kills half of your army...
including you, colonel.
We want that
U.N.C.L.E. agent alive.
MAN: If I may, Secretary Linz.
Each time we've had our
hands on an U.N.C.L.E. agent...
he's been snatched from them,
either by accident or design.
And each time, the
same man was present.
That alone tells
us a great deal.
Who knows? Heh.
Perhaps we shall find Satine...
when we find Solo.
CONDUCTOR: All aboard.
Westbound Milo Jans Express.
Board.
All aboard.
Westbound Express.
Board.
TAUB: Come on, now.
Come on. Everybody out.
Now, we have to all
stay together here.
Stay together, because we
have to meet our travel guide.
I don't know, where could he be?
The Tub is really shook.
- Well, after all, two bombs in two days.
- Heh, yeah.
Don't call Miss Taub
a tub. She's very upset.
Well, I'm very upset too.
Uh, Miss Taub, Miss Taub,
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, dear.
Oh, well, all right, then, go
ahead. But don't be too long.
Thank you, Miss Taub.
Hey, this place is really
swarming with soldiers.
Maybe it's got to do with
that thing at the tomb.
GUARD: Whom are you speaking to?
BOY: No one. I'm with the American school.
We're waiting for our travel
representative, Mr. Brickman.
SOLO: And I'm Mr. Brickman.
Yes, forgive the delay, Miss Taub.
Last-minute changes in
itinerary and that sort of thing.
- Changes in our itinerary?
- Well, no. Mine, actually.
Children, come along. We
mustn't delay the train. You too, Kirk.
- Uh, the tickets, may I have them?
- Well, I have ours.
Um, I don't have yours,
though. Was I supposed to?
Well, it would've been
nice, yes. Come along.
TAUB: Oh, uh, come
along, everybody.
SOLO: Come, come,
children. Step aboard.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
TAUB: Hurry up, now.
Move right in, move in.
Mustn't waste any time, now.
[WHISTLE TOOTS]
- All right. All aboard...
- That's going aboard.
Uh, go ahead, Miss Taub.
I'll join you in a moment.
Oh, farewell, my
brother. Farewell.
SATINE: What do you think you're doing?
- Those guards are watching us.
SATINE: They never
question my papers.
Well, if you try and stop me
after this tender scene, they will.
I can't bare to see you go.
[GRUNTS]
Guards, guards. Will you
look after my brother, please?
We're very close, and
he's overcome with grief.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
CONDUCTOR: Please
remain in your compartments.
Have your passports, visas
and tickets ready, please.
[WHISTLE TOOTING]
Please remain in
your compartments.
Have your passports, visas
and tickets ready, please.
Well, gentlemen, I think
you've been hiding from me.
I've been up and down these halls
five times in the last three minutes...
looking for some
semblance of authority.
That's strange. We have
tried to overlook no one, Mr...?
Brickman. At least, my reservations
were made under that name.
Now, my travel bureau has brought
countless tourists to this country.
As a matter of fact, Milo Jans himself
once sent me a warm note of appreciation...
for my contributions to
your country's commerce.
Now I'm here escorting a
group of American students...
and their teacher...
extolling your country's
virtues, buying your products...
and warming to the
generosity of your people.
And all I've asked is that I be
given one private compartment...
just one, separate from
those juvenile delinquents.
If you will return to the
delinquents, Mr. Brickman...
we'll see what we can do about
finding other accommodations for you.
- Your compartment number?
- Well, no, no.
Not here. No, not again. Uh, just
let me wait here, please. It's all right.
No. No, I have a better idea.
There is a compartment
available at this moment.
This way.
We always hold
one compartment...
for any last-moment
"VIPs," I think you call them.
This way, Mr. Brickman.
Don't be shy, Mr. Brickman.
No, no, don't, uh...
Don't shut the door.
It's a little close in here.
CONDUCTOR: Dinner is now
being served in the dining car.
All cars forward.
Now, now. No, no.
Oh, believe me, this
time it's for my stomach.
No, no, no.
Well, this will never do.
I have a proposal to make.
Do you suppose we can discuss it in
a civilized and businesslike manner?
- Here?
- And you suggest...?
At dinner. In public.
[LAUGHING]
Fine. Fine.
No, the, uh... The
dining car is this way.
Well, I don't suppose I
could join you in a moment?
From now on, whatever we do...
we do together.
SATINE: Now,
time is our problem.
Or rather, your timing
coming to this country.
I must ask, if
only for a while...
for your trust.
And after you have my trust...
what do you
intend to do with it?
Drug it, drown it or bury it?
[SCOFFS]
Well, let's see what's on
the menu, huh? Garçon?
Um...
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Béarnaise sauce for you?
Oui, béarnaise sauce.
I have only two goals
at the present, Mr. Solo.
First, seeing that you avoid capture
and trial for a murder you didn't commit.
And second, recovering the dove.
The, uh, first goal, I
think you share with me.
[SATINE CHUCKLES]
Although we
might differ as to...
how you avoid capture.
You see...
it's this way in my
country with the two of us.
You and me.
Though different, we do,
under normal circumstances...
complement one another...
and in our respective ways,
help season and preserve.
Well, the point being
that, however peculiarly...
we do have common
interests and a common...
or rather, uncommon, enemy.
- Vinegar?
- Thrush.
Thrush murdered Milo Jans.
[STUDENTS GIGGLING
AND CHATTERING]
What is it?
Children.
I never liked them
when I was one of them.
They frightened me
then, and they do now.
Mr. Brickman.
- Oh, Miss, uh...? TAUB: Taub.
Yes, yes, I was just
shocked to be reminded...
I have so attractive a
traveling companion.
Oh, thank you. I'm sorry that
you have to be reminded at all.
Uh, well, what I mean is, I do wish
you'd let me know where you were.
There was a little
trouble with the conductor.
But it's all right
now. It's all all right.
Uh, won't you please join us?
Well, if you're sure I
won't be interrupting.
Well, I am sorry, Miss Taub, but at
this moment, my friend and I must...
We must consider ourselves
honored that you will join us.
TAUB: Thank you. If
you're sure it's all right. Um...
Is there anything, uh,
special on the menu?
Well, we almost
ordered the, uh, dove.
The dove?
Yes, uh, my friend wanted dove,
but it wasn't on his menu, you see...
[ALL GASP]
TAUB: Oh, dear.
- Oh...
- You will excuse us. Now.
Yes, we'll be back in a
moment. We'll just have to dry off.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE ON RADIO]
Russell?
Come over here and
bring that thing with you.
Now, look, I have told you those
things are forbidden. Now, give it to me.
- Now?
- Right now.
But it's... It's not turned off.
At this point, I don't care
whether it is or it isn't. Kirk?
Kirk, give me yours now too.
- Oh, I don't have it.
TAUB: Well, where is it?
I don't know. I'll
have to look for it.
Well, then you'd
better go and look for it.
But my dinner will get cold.
You want my dinner to get cold?
Well, all right, then go and look for it
as soon as you finish your dinner, then.
RUSSELL: Where is it?
- I hid it in the washroom.
I left mine turned on too.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING AND
SHUFFLING OVER RADIO]
- Yeah, trust.
- That water wasn't meant to kill.
I simply wanted time
to search for the dove.
It's of no value to you now.
Well, I don't know that, since I
don't know what that dove contains.
That, uh, delicate dove,
the Jans Peace Prize...
has the names of
countless Thrush agents...
engraved on its wings, as
well as their order of battle...
in every key city of this
country, in case of revolt.
All painstakingly,
microscopically engraved.
- And Jans did this?
SATINE: At my request.
Their strength is such...
that we feared we would
need U.N.C.L.E.'s help.
SOLO: You wanted U.N.C.L.E.
to have the information then.
- Why don't you want us to have it now?
- I told you.
Premier Jans was strong
enough to move against them...
with U.N.C.L.E.'s help.
But Premier Earnst
is still too vulnerable.
If Thrush discovers that dove
and the information it contains...
they would be forced to
try to smash us at once.
No, U.N.C.L.E. will
protect the dove.
We dare not chance it.
Until we are strong enough...
the existence of that dove
is a gun pointed at our heads.
It must be destroyed.
I'm sorry.
My orders are to bring it home.
Thrush is an international
band of renegades...
and they exist in many
areas besides your nation.
And my organization is at war against
them no matter where we find them.
It is never pleasant
to kill one's friends...
to save them from one's enemies.
But in our business,
unpleasantries often occur.
If I can bring the
dove back home...
U.N.C.L.E. can be of
considerable help to you.
We are, as you
know, very effective.
No, it's too great a
risk, too great a risk.
I will recover the dove.
But I will also do
this much for you.
When I recover the dove,
and if it's humanly possible...
I'll... I'll help you
to cross the border.
Now, failing that...
I must kill you.
Uh, Mr. Brickman, may I
please see you alone now?
- No.
- Yes.
I'll be right there.
That was unnecessarily rude.
And if I were polite,
I might involve her...
and end up having to liquidate
a giddy young spinster...
which would be more
unnecessary and ruder still.
Now, what can I do for you?
Mr. Brickman, I have
a confession to make.
I know that you are
not Mr. Brickman.
I see.
Well, then if I'm not
Mr. Brickman, who am I?
I don't know. But I do
know that you are a spy.
Did you kill Mr. Brickman?
Ha, well, of course I
didn't kill Mr. Brickman.
Whatever gave you
a silly idea like that?
I overheard you in the
washroom, on the walkie-talkie.
The walkie-talkie?
I heard everything.
I see, and you retain things
very well, very systematically.
And I know precisely what
you mean by "the dove."
- I've seen it.
- Where?
Last night, when you
took it. I was there.
You were there?
- Doing what?
- Teaching.
Teaching? There?
Well, in a peripatetic
sort of way, yes.
You know, Europe is
just one big museum...
and I walk through it.
Museums, cathedrals,
mausoleums...
guidebook in one hand,
and students out of hand.
Well, you make it
sound, uh, pretty grim.
Oh, no. No, I like
teaching, really.
It's just that...
well, every once in a
while, one is reminded.
That explosion last night
and the one again tonight.
That really did it for me.
I spend so much time
in other people's pasts...
I may end up not
having one of my own.
Well, let's face it.
Who's going to want
to blow open my grave?
[BOYS CHUCKLING]
Hi. You're with
Mr. Brickman too, huh?
KIRK: Well, where's
he taking you?
- Come with me at once.
- Why?
- They won't leave me alone.
- Well, why not?
They think I am interesting.
So you are. I wouldn't
deny that for a moment.
Well, there are certain assaults
upon my sensibilities I cannot stand.
Well, then leave.
- Please.
- Sorry.
I have misjudged you.
You are not a gentleman.
[BOYS WHISPERING]
- I am sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.
He doesn't seem
that difficult to handle.
Well, it may be,
but I can't do it.
Would you like some help?
Why? I mean, why
should you offer?
Well, because I believe what
you're doing is the correct thing.
That simple.
Well, no, it's not
really that simple.
But I do like you...
and I'd like to help you,
for what that's worth.
You are a qualifier.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, it's an
occupational hazard.
Yes, I, uh, am
familiar with those.
And, no. I want
you to stay away.
If you are directly involved,
he can be very unpleasant.
And if not for yourself, you do
have your students to look after.
- Indirectly, then?
- No.
No, I've just got to get away
from him for two minutes.
May I ask why?
I, um, left something hanging.
In the air.
Really.
Uh, as a matter of fact, there is
something that you can do, um...
just by sticking
to your profession.
And so, well, Mr. Brickman's
companion may seem a little odd...
or perhaps even a
little unfriendly at times.
But just consider what
the poor man has suffered.
His country's leading poet,
condemned to exile and privation.
All his books banned.
Why, the poor man
is so frightened...
he's even afraid of the
sound of his own sonnets.
He's just trembling at the... At
his return to the land of the living.
I feel a little
squeamish about this.
But either you
give up the dove...
or Miss Taub gives up her life.
What are they staring at?
Well, maybe they, uh, heard you.
Do you think if we asked
him, he'd tell us about it?
Even recite one of his poems?
Oh, well, a man like that
could only be deeply affected...
by the interest of youth.
RUSSELL: Hey,
let's go talk to him.
ALL: Yeah. Let's talk to him.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Hello.
Why don't you tell us about it?
What?
What is it you want to know?
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
You don't remember
any of your poetry?
RUSSELL: Excuse me.
KIRK: Hey, what are you doing?
Famous poet, just returned
from exile. Get in the shot, Linda.
Now, give a little
cheese. Thattagirl.
Where...?
Where did you get that?
On that poster of Milo Jans in
the aisle, the one with the dove.
- Somebody stuck it there. RUSSELL:
I bet I get this thing published.
No. No photographs.
RUSSELL: He ruined
it. He ruined the picture.
SOLO: Did he?
All passengers will disembark
to cross the border immediately.
I repeat:
All passengers will
disembark immediately.
Better get them off
right away, Miss Taub.
Well, come on, now,
children. Come on, children.
Let's go.
[STUDENTS CHATTER]
We must hurry, now. Come on.
That idiotic colonel is the
one man who can identify me.
Make a wish.
- Truce?
- Truce.
I don't know who to kill first,
you, the colonel or myself.
They'll be boarding any minute.
If they capture you
alive and with the dove...
Miss Taub, do you still
have the walkie-talkies?
Yes.
All right, Satine.
It's time to go home.
[PASSENGERS CHATTERING]
The colonel's in the lead.
He's in the, uh... In the
third compartment, fourth car.
[OVER RADIO] Look out,
the colonel's getting off.
- The colonel's coming this way.
- Hurry.
- Think I've almost got it.
- Almost isn't enough. Now. Now.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
The colonel's coming
towards the engine.
Oh, I'm so glad. I
was afraid you didn't...
Without your help,
I wouldn't have.
- I am sorry about poor Satine.
- Don't be.
WAVERLY: One thing about
this photo puzzles me, though.
What's that, sir?
WAVERLY: Well, this... This
thing that looks like a large seashell.
SOLO: Oh, that, Mr. Waverly,
is all you will ever see of Satine...
and all I hope I'll ever see.
Watch yourself.
He may be listening.
[CHUCKLES]
That really isn't funny.
[ENGLISH SDH]