The Magicians (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Balls - full transcript
Previously on "The Magicians"...
- What are we going to do?
- We gotta kill the Dark King.
Fillory can never be free so
long as the Dark King reigns.
Surprised?
You must stop this, whatever the cost.
Well, the cost is blowing
up the entire planet,
- which is...
- A decent option?
So you're saying we can use
the Ark, rescue the people,
blow up Fillory, and stop the Dark King?
Do these fiends, do they succeed
in stealing the people
and building a new world for them?
I made no mention of a new world.
It is you.
You and your friends
are the invading force.
What about the World Seed from Q's page?
If we could find it, we could
use it to build a new world,
a new Fillory.
We're looking for The Couple.
If it was anything else...
They have something we need.
The World Seed,
the most valuable object
in the multiverse,
which is why I wanted to steal it.
We spent months constructing a map.
We called it our heist book.
Here.
Is that Gavin from the Library?
- What happened to you?
- Marina hired me to rob The Couple.
She didn't tell us that
the plan was suicidal
without the Harmonic Convergence.
You twats stopped the convergence,
there wasn't enough magic,
Marina sent us in anyway.
Give me the page.
Okay, you win.
Oh, it's yours. It's yours.
Bottling our emotions.
Literally.
This must be what undergoing
the Vulcan Ritual of Kolinahr is like.
I like your sweater.
- Are you saying that to be cruel?
- No.
I saw no reason not to share.
I based my whole outfit
around that bottle!
Ow.
God, shut up.
What's happening to you
looks just like what happened to my mom.
And the episodes didn't
stop when I was born.
They got worse.
The Circumstances Control Panel?
I figured if The Couple is
going to use the World Seed,
they need clean magic, so
without this, they are stuck.
The Couple just got the
last thing they need.
They have the seed,
the page, and the panel.
We got to tell the others.
They need to steal that seed now.
Okay, guys, this is a horrible story.
I really hate telling it, and
I'm only gonna say it once.
The Nave Hotel.
Current home of The
Couple for two reasons.
One, the house rules.
Per a jamming spell,
you can't do any battle magic,
wards prevent traveling in and
out, cell phones don't work,
and if you're caught
with any kind of weapon
or engage in any sort of physical beef
or try to scam the hotel
or any of its guests...
Bye-bye.
Idea being the Nave
is the magical world's
number one safe space,
which is strictly
enforced by the bellhops.
Arguing is allowed.
Physical altercation is not.
The creepy dicks are golems
who've been enchanted to be empaths.
Good-bye, ladies.
They have to see you.
But if they can
and you radiate the kind of
micro-aggressions they sense,
you get the boot.
Or worse.
We were up to some major
no good, so we steered clear.
In the basement, reason two
The Couple settled at the Nave:
the vault.
Famously impenetrable.
Except, I thought, vulnerable
during the Harmonic Convergence
which you fucked into a cocked hat.
Hence the safe crack was slow going.
But punching a hole in
the anti-traveler wards
was right on sched.
Meanwhile, I was running it
all from a safe distance.
Or trying to.
That place has some killer protections
against magical spyware.
Marina, Marina. Looks like I'm in.
Whew, crikey, it is
dick-shrivel cold in here.
Long story. Unbearable.
There was no World Seed in the vault.
And then, because the vault
took so long to crack without
the Harmonic Convergence...
It all went horribly pear-shaped.
And we know what that
meant for poor Gavin.
So boosting anything
from that hotel without
the Harmonic Convergence
is a shit show.
What makes you ducklings
think you can do any better?
Well, for one thing,
you had bad information.
Remind me who in the Disney
Princess fuck you are?
She's someone who can read this.
It turns out it's a form of Fillorian
used in ember worship.
I really should have recognized it.
So according to the page,
the World Seed can only live
when the temperature is 99
degrees with 99% humidity.
And the vault was freezing.
There's no way The Couple
would keep it there.
- It would die.
- This is so you guys.
Top info.
Too late.
Wrong, 'cause now we know
where the seed isn't.
- So us guys are doing this.
- Yep.
No.
Look, I get this is
hard, okay, but we...
- Julia, no.
- ... have to do everything we can
in our power to make sure that
our child has a better
mother than you did.
- He already does.
- She might.
If we can find out what
happens to traveler moms.
And the only one that
we can talk to is yours.
I don't even know where she is.
I do. Connecticut,
according to the locator spell.
Okay, you realize that you
are getting more intense
every day and impossible to argue with
and it is kind of scary.
Hormones, dude. Enjoy the ride.
_
So I lensed the outside of the hotel,
and this room is 30 degrees
hotter than all the others.
It's got to be where The Couple
has the World Seed stashed.
Also there's someone in there,
probably a guard.
Brava, but stealing the seed
means taking it out of that hot house.
How do you transport
it without killing it?
- Well, you tell me.
- Well, I don't know.
But The Couple did.
- Magnus Dellacorte.
- Top hedge, west coast.
Best friends George and Paloma Ball.
The Balls.
Explains why they go by The Couple.
Magnus lost two things
the night of his 53rd birthday party.
His life, to a coronary;
and the World Seed,
both courtesy of The Couple
who aren't such good friends,
but badass bandits.
But how did they get the seed out?
Five minutes in the
open air and it's dead.
Paloma's wearing couture.
Maybe they kept it warm
with their white-hot taste.
Except that bag.
It's a Birkin knockoff.
And a shit one.
Really? It looks kind of fancy.
To you, which is why you're so adorable.
Maybe the bag is homemade.
- Some kind of...
- Incubator they cooked up.
To keep the seed toasty.
Yeah.
Good job, class.
- Mm-hmm.
- Couple's suite.
We make sure they aren't
there, we break in,
find the incubator bag,
which'll definitely be on-site,
because Paloma would never wear it
unless it was to steal the seed.
Might be criminal Tiffany's,
but it's fashion Walmart.
We go to temperature control.
We crank the seed room down to freezing.
The guard freaks out.
Cell phones don't work in the Nave,
so he has to call The Couple on
the landline, which is dead...
Because I cut it.
He goes full pant-shit,
has to find The Couple.
- Opens the seed room door...
- Runs out.
We're right there with
the homemade hot pocket,
we drop the seed in and jet.
- Then the guard will see you.
- Three against one.
- Bellhops?
- We pull the fire alarm,
blend into the emotional
pandemonium, exit.
With a nod to "Fantastic Beasts."
One problem. What's
happening in the basement
needs to be timed
to the second with what's
happening in the seed room.
Take too long and the seed
will freeze to death.
And with all communications jammed,
how's each team supposed to
know what to do and when?
Well, there's the conductor spell.
Created by a conductor
who was going blind.
So he and his orchestra
could still communicate.
Wouldn't all those voices
be kind of confusing?
Each musician only hears the conductor,
but never one another.
I'm totally sure I don't understand
and totally sure it's going to work.
Why wouldn't it set off
the hotel protections?
The spell was designed to help artists,
so by nature, it's innocuous.
You'll be the conductor then?
I would, but I don't know
the hotel, not like...
So wait, not only are we breaking
into a hotel of horrors,
but our conductor has
to be a psychopath?
Sociopath, technically.
And you wrote my word as bond yourself.
What happened to that
arrogant self-confidence
you're so famous for?
Oops. Right.
Look, if you're too scared
to pull your weight...
I'm fine.
As long as Zelda's there
to keep an eye on you.
Mm-kay.
That should adjust for circumstances.
Remember, you have to
keep hold of the baton.
If you let go, it breaks the spell.
Shall we test it?
Okay, kids.
Get ready to be my sock puppets.
What is this sorcery?
Woman in my head, reveal yourself!
He must have been in range of the spell.
So I have to run a heist
with a pig in my head?
What the shit with the gun?
It is to put in the hands of a hero
who will do what is just and necessary.
Which is?
Assassinate she who
plots to destroy Fillory.
Julia Wicker.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Wait, is that thing loaded?
- Of course it is!
No, no! Please! People,
the fate of my world is at stake.
Oh, gentlemen, please
control your spinsters.
Guys, are you seeing this too?
♪ Oh, I can't take another heartache ♪
♪ Though you say you're my friend ♪
♪ I'm at my wit's end ♪
♪ You say your love is bonafide ♪
♪ But that don't coincide ♪
♪ With the things that you
do and when I ask you ♪
♪ To be nice, you say ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel to be
kind, in the right measure ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind,
it's a very good sign ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind, means
that I love you, baby ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel ♪
♪ You gotta be cruel to be kind ♪
♪ Well I do my best
to understand, dear ♪
♪ But you still mystify
and I want to know why ♪
♪ I pick myself up off the ground ♪
♪ To have you knock me back down ♪
♪ Again and again ♪
♪ And when I ask you to explain ♪
♪ You say ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel to be
kind, in the right measure ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind,
it's a very good sign ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind, means
that I love you, baby ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel ♪
♪ You gotta be cruel to be kind ♪
♪ Baby ♪
You see?
This is why I don't hang
out with you people.
But on the bright side,
we were pitch perfect.
I will kill Julia.
You have my solemn word
as a devout Catholic.
A hero has risen.
With a most excellent singing voice.
Well, we'll karaoke in Fillory
because it's definitely
not getting destroyed.
- Vaya con Dios.
- Yeah.
I think I speak for the group
in wondering why the fuck
did we all just chorus line?
Yeah, and I heard all of you
in my head, not just Marina.
Yeah, what the hell?
Our circumstances are unstable.
Our collective surge of
emotion must have broken down
some of the spell's barriers.
And as for the singing, well,
it was designed by a conductor
and music is the purest
manifestation of feeling...
So let me get this straight.
Every time we have a feeling,
we're gonna go full-on "Glee"?
That doesn't seem ideal
for, you know, a heist.
Wait, do you guys remember
when we were learning battle magic?
If the spell's gonna make
us break out into song
every time we get worked up,
why don't we emotion bottle ourselves?
'Cause that went so well the last time.
No, no. That's good.
It might help also avoid
bellhop detection,
no emotions for them to sense.
So repress the overwhelming urge
to sing while stealing shit.
It's eighth grade all over again.
_
Hi. I'm looking for a patient.
- Name?
- Neela Adiyodi.
There must be some mistake.
I'm Neela Adiyodi.
I've spent my whole life
thinking my mom was a basket case.
You're telling me she's fine?
She was fine with me.
We need to see how she is with you.
Look, I won't pretend
that I can even imagine
what this is like for you.
But you won't be alone.
We're in. Marina, you copy?
Loud and clear. How
are you guys feeling?
We're not.
Pete.
You're up.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Look.
Everyone in the know
knows about you guys.
And what exactly do they know?
The best is barely good enough.
That's what I deal in.
Art, spells, totems, best of the best.
- You've got six minutes.
- That's too bad.
I just ordered a bottle
of 2005 Haut-Brion
that will take at least
half an hour to decant.
36 minutes, then.
_
Is this the one?
That's...
very moist.
Guys.
The Couple's been translating
the World Seed page.
But wrong.
Grab it.
And we're Fogged.
Guys, what is going on?
Should I wait here for you guys, or?
Sir, there's a problem.
Is that my suitcase?
You told The Couple that
this is a bottle of 2005 Haut-Brion,
when, in fact, it's Two-Buck Chuck.
That constitutes deceit,
a violation of hotel protocol.
You'll be checking out immediately.
Abort.
Fogg 17 showed up.
He's got Team Incubator.
That's catastrophic.
- We rescue them.
- Yup.
All right.
Hello.
Management has been alerted
to the presence of unauthorized guests.
- Oh.
- Please present your key cards.
We are late. Sorry.
Hello?
Jesus, Alice, what's going on?
Answer me.
Eliot? Kady?
Get off of them! Get off of them!
♪ I wish I was smarter ♪
♪ I got so lost on the shore ♪
♪ I wish I was taller ♪
♪ Things really matter ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ And I'm still ♪
♪ So afraid ♪
♪ Yes, I'm still ♪
♪ So afraid ♪
♪ On my own ♪
That was interesting.
Empath overload.
I doubt it will last.
Alice, let's go.
Okay.
Guess Alice had a little moment.
Get your shit together people.
Huh, what do we have here?
Oh, Christ.
You brought the gun. Strong choice.
Thanks.
Thank you, Henry.
George, my pleasure.
On our new world, you can
have your own island.
No. I want my own goddamn country.
Fine.
There won't be a new world.
Really?
Your translation of the page is wrong.
You're going to end up killing the seed.
How would you know?
Smart girl.
Keep going.
I'm Fillorian.
I can translate the page correctly.
I'll even help you grow the seed.
If you spare my friends.
I'm so sorry. I can't control it.
I'm sorry.
Your weaponized emotional baggage
turned out to be a weirdly good thing.
So Fen pulled a stall.
She's headed to the seed
room with The Couple.
Josh and Margo are still
in their suite with Fogg.
Can you get them free?
Kady, if you can take out Fogg alone,
I think I can help Alice.
Good luck.
Alice? Do you trust me?
- What are you doing?
- Just a little sip.
To the confusion of our enemies.
Alice, whatever it is,
whatever you're feeling,
you can just tell me.
I just can't stop thinking
about what he did to me.
I was so, so useless.
So stupid.
♪ In this proud land we grew up strong ♪
♪ We were wanted all along ♪
♪ I was taught to fight, taught to win ♪
♪ I never thought I could fail ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ 'Cause you have friends ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You're not beaten yet ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ I know you can make it good ♪
♪ Though I saw it all around ♪
♪ Never thought that
I could be affected ♪
♪ Thought that we'd be last to go ♪
♪ It is so strange the way things turn ♪
♪ Rest your head ♪
♪ You worry too much ♪
♪ It's going to be all right ♪
♪ When times get rough ♪
♪ You can fall back on us ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ Please don't give up ♪
♪ I've got to walk out of here ♪
♪ I can't take anymore ♪
♪ I'm gonna stand on that bridge ♪
♪ Keep my eyes down below ♪
♪ Whatever may come ♪
♪ And whatever may go ♪
♪ That river's flowing ♪
♪ That river's flowing ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ 'Cause you have friends ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You're not the only one ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ No reason to be ashamed ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You still have us ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ We're proud of who you are ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You know it's never been easy ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ 'Cause I believe there's a place ♪
♪ There's a place where we belong ♪
No!
It's bad enough I have to sing.
It's okay.
First thing you have to do
is explain why you want
to build a new world.
- To you?
- To the seed.
It's alive, and in order to grow,
it needs to know exactly
what you want and why.
The seed will know if you lie
and will refuse to grow.
We've made powerful
enemies here on Earth.
And one cursed us, making us...
Unable to have children.
But on a new world,
beyond the reach of our enemies,
we hope to have a family.
Okay.
I have to admit, that's not a
motive I could have guessed,
but do you really think you'd
make the best parents?
Hi, Mom.
William?
You're going to be a father.
That's...
that's wonderful.
It's why I'm here.
I need to know everything
you went through.
When did you start hearing voices?
About three months into the pregnancy.
At first, they thought it
was a chemical imbalance.
But after you were born,
I started to get worse.
They said the stress of
parenting brought on
a latent psychological disorder,
probably one I'd inherited.
The first time I had to send you away...
I hear myself say that,
and I still can't believe I did it.
- I'm so sorry...
- Mom, I'm okay.
I need you to tell me
everything you can.
The voices went away when you did,
and when you came back, so did they.
Every time you came back,
there was less and less
of the little boy...
Mom, this isn't about me.
I wanted so much to raise you,
love you, protect you.
But what you needed
protection from was me.
What?
Mom?
I'm sorry. Someone's calling me.
What is it? What do you need?
Mom, there's no one calling you.
Of course there is. It must
be one of my patients.
There's more of them.
You don't hear them? They're screaming.
I don't.
Oh, no. No.
No, no, not again. Please stop.
You need to hurry it up, Kady.
Just be careful.
Guys, it's Kady.
We have a problem.
Let me guess, camouflage potion?
Liquid explosive?
Ah, good old chloroform. Hmm.
Huh. Goddamn scotch.
But not just any scotch.
Isabella Islay's Single Malt.
God damn it, who knew you had taste?
- Wait, no. I need that.
- Are you a drunk now?
Well, congratulations.
Let me help you get back on the wagon.
Now why don't you save
us all some trouble
and tell me where the rest
of your colleagues are.
I...
God damn it.
What did you put in this?
A pharmaceutical I bought off
a very helpful bartender.
Street name, Archie.
But...
What just happened?
I just sent him on a trip
to the Etheric Realm
where rules prevent Henry
Fogg from leaving.
Here's hoping they're too high
to notice there's a new one.
Nice work.
Okay. Alice and Eliot?
If you're done with the singing?
You sure you're okay?
No. But I can do this.
Great, now everything's fine, but...
medium-sized bump in the road.
Pete just called from a cell
phone outside the hotel.
He got caught doing a very Pete scam
and they booted him.
- The suitcase?
- Went with him.
There goes our escape route.
I'm almost annoyed.
I might have an idea.
Open the window.
Let's hope that works.
Well, that was a disaster.
Let's go before I check myself in here.
Hang on. Look.
When she's alone,
everything's normal, but,
but when you show up...
My traveler shit doesn't work
and I still mess her up.
Functional or not, you're still you.
So it's...
it's gonna be the same
for you and the baby?
Unless we figure out what it is
and find a way to cut it.
Okay, Alice and Eliot are
en route to the basement.
Kady, Josh, Margo, get ready to move.
Standing by, Marina.
Oh.
If it's the pig again,
we're having pork chops.
- You've gotta be shitting me.
- I beg your pardon?
Oh, hey, babe. What are you doing here?
- I knew it.
- Knew what?
I put a locator spell on the heist book.
And since you've been MIA for two days,
I figured I'd find you with it
doing exactly what you promised
you'd never do again.
Look, babe, it's not what it looks like.
- But I mean, I mean it is, but...
- God, I'm an idiot.
Listen, babe, people's
lives are on the line.
You're doing that thing
where you call me babe a bunch of times,
which is exactly how I
know that you're lying.
Okay, this is not the time.
And it's also not about you.
So...
What the fuck did you just do?
Marina, do you copy?
Are we good to go?
She's offline.
Fair to say, "act out"?
I know you mean well, Julia,
but I really can't talk right now.
Okay, look, can I just
show you something?
Where'd you get this?
You see that cord thing between you?
What's going on?
You're not crazy, Neela.
Look, magic is real.
I'm a magician. And so is your son.
But he's a rare breed
with this link that they
have to their mothers.
Every time they're close by...
- Stop!
- ... their abilities start to bleed over...
Stop. Stop!
Just stop.
My baby has the same abilities as Penny,
which means it causes the same problems.
Oh, this isn't happening.
This is happening.
Look, I swear, I know I'm asking a lot,
but if you could just take a
chance and let me help you,
you could have your son back.
You could get to know your grandchild.
Wouldn't that be worth it?
I can't.
I can't go through this again.
It'll kill me.
Tell William I'm sorry.
How many times do I have to tell you
the heist is not for me?
Right, and you're not
fucking the sexy librarian.
Her? Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, my, no. But thank you.
How can I believe anything that you say?
It took a fucking spell
for you to care about anyone
other than yourself...
I do care.
But I'm also pretty done bending
over backwards for you.
So you either get on board
with the me who's me,
or you can fuck off.
Oh, good.
Thanks.
I finally know where we stand.
- Are, are you all right?
- Fix the goddamn baton.
Look, I know this was maybe
worse than you thought,
but now we've got a shot at fixing it.
Yeah.
Penny.
She asked me to give you something.
Okay, don't turn down the
temperature without Marina.
If the others aren't ready, it'll...
Kill the seed. I know.
Ah, but it wouldn't hurt to
find the right controls...
Get away from the equipment, sir.
Oh, my.
This is bad.
Jesus, Eliot, what now?
Hello, Marina. Glad you're back with us.
I just need to take
care of this bellhop.
Did you lower the temperature?
Eliot?
♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh, oh ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Just get me to the airport,
put me on a plane ♪
♪ Hurry, hurry, hurry,
before I go insane ♪
♪ I can't control my fingers,
I can't control my brain ♪
♪ Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Just put me in a wheelchair,
get me on a plane ♪
♪ Hurry, hurry, hurry,
before I go insane ♪
♪ I can't control my fingers,
I can't control my brain ♪
♪ Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
Done.
Okay. Team World Seed, you're up.
Chug yours.
♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Just put me in a wheelchair,
get me to the show ♪
♪ Hurry, hurry, hurry,
before I go loco ♪
♪ I can't control my fingers,
I can't control my toes ♪
♪ Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
Let's go!
George.
I love your blades.
You're a strange girl.
Thank you.
If you don't give us the
correct translations soon,
you'll be a strange fingerless girl.
Paloma.
You do that, the bellhops
will just rip you to shreds.
Yeah, no, we kind of
found their kryptonite.
Well, I'm fine slitting her throat.
Yeah, me too.
Whoa, everybody just calm down.
Okay? Nobody needs to die.
Except the seed
if we keep standing around talking.
See, our friends cranked the AC in here.
So unless you wanna kill the seed,
back off and let us put
it in the bag, stat.
Oh, Christ.
Well, now we've all got a problem.
Guys, hey. Let's not
die or kill the seed.
Kady, Ball,
drop your knives.
Shit.
All right.
Now I think I have a fair solution.
- Hands.
- Come on.
George!
- I got the seed.
- Swallow, Sunshine.
We need to call an ambulance.
The seed. The seed.
It's fine.
But where the hell is the seed, Fen?
I've fucking got it, Margo!
Guys, Alice has an exit.
Get to the roof.
Come on. Let's go.
- I can't...
- Run!
♪ Bam, bam, bambam,
bambam, bam, bambam ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Bam, bam, bambam,
bambam, bam, bambam ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
The bellhops figured out
earplugs. We gotta move.
Fen, where the fuck is the seed?
And why are you running so weird?
The seed is somewhere warm.
Very humid. Even moist?
Oh, whoa.
- Come on.
- We gotta go.
In here.
So what's the escape plan?
It's more of an escape plea.
_
Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers.
♪ Cruel to be kind,
in the right measure ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind,
it's a very good sign ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind, means
that I love you, baby ♪
♪ You gotta be cruel to be kind ♪
- What are we going to do?
- We gotta kill the Dark King.
Fillory can never be free so
long as the Dark King reigns.
Surprised?
You must stop this, whatever the cost.
Well, the cost is blowing
up the entire planet,
- which is...
- A decent option?
So you're saying we can use
the Ark, rescue the people,
blow up Fillory, and stop the Dark King?
Do these fiends, do they succeed
in stealing the people
and building a new world for them?
I made no mention of a new world.
It is you.
You and your friends
are the invading force.
What about the World Seed from Q's page?
If we could find it, we could
use it to build a new world,
a new Fillory.
We're looking for The Couple.
If it was anything else...
They have something we need.
The World Seed,
the most valuable object
in the multiverse,
which is why I wanted to steal it.
We spent months constructing a map.
We called it our heist book.
Here.
Is that Gavin from the Library?
- What happened to you?
- Marina hired me to rob The Couple.
She didn't tell us that
the plan was suicidal
without the Harmonic Convergence.
You twats stopped the convergence,
there wasn't enough magic,
Marina sent us in anyway.
Give me the page.
Okay, you win.
Oh, it's yours. It's yours.
Bottling our emotions.
Literally.
This must be what undergoing
the Vulcan Ritual of Kolinahr is like.
I like your sweater.
- Are you saying that to be cruel?
- No.
I saw no reason not to share.
I based my whole outfit
around that bottle!
Ow.
God, shut up.
What's happening to you
looks just like what happened to my mom.
And the episodes didn't
stop when I was born.
They got worse.
The Circumstances Control Panel?
I figured if The Couple is
going to use the World Seed,
they need clean magic, so
without this, they are stuck.
The Couple just got the
last thing they need.
They have the seed,
the page, and the panel.
We got to tell the others.
They need to steal that seed now.
Okay, guys, this is a horrible story.
I really hate telling it, and
I'm only gonna say it once.
The Nave Hotel.
Current home of The
Couple for two reasons.
One, the house rules.
Per a jamming spell,
you can't do any battle magic,
wards prevent traveling in and
out, cell phones don't work,
and if you're caught
with any kind of weapon
or engage in any sort of physical beef
or try to scam the hotel
or any of its guests...
Bye-bye.
Idea being the Nave
is the magical world's
number one safe space,
which is strictly
enforced by the bellhops.
Arguing is allowed.
Physical altercation is not.
The creepy dicks are golems
who've been enchanted to be empaths.
Good-bye, ladies.
They have to see you.
But if they can
and you radiate the kind of
micro-aggressions they sense,
you get the boot.
Or worse.
We were up to some major
no good, so we steered clear.
In the basement, reason two
The Couple settled at the Nave:
the vault.
Famously impenetrable.
Except, I thought, vulnerable
during the Harmonic Convergence
which you fucked into a cocked hat.
Hence the safe crack was slow going.
But punching a hole in
the anti-traveler wards
was right on sched.
Meanwhile, I was running it
all from a safe distance.
Or trying to.
That place has some killer protections
against magical spyware.
Marina, Marina. Looks like I'm in.
Whew, crikey, it is
dick-shrivel cold in here.
Long story. Unbearable.
There was no World Seed in the vault.
And then, because the vault
took so long to crack without
the Harmonic Convergence...
It all went horribly pear-shaped.
And we know what that
meant for poor Gavin.
So boosting anything
from that hotel without
the Harmonic Convergence
is a shit show.
What makes you ducklings
think you can do any better?
Well, for one thing,
you had bad information.
Remind me who in the Disney
Princess fuck you are?
She's someone who can read this.
It turns out it's a form of Fillorian
used in ember worship.
I really should have recognized it.
So according to the page,
the World Seed can only live
when the temperature is 99
degrees with 99% humidity.
And the vault was freezing.
There's no way The Couple
would keep it there.
- It would die.
- This is so you guys.
Top info.
Too late.
Wrong, 'cause now we know
where the seed isn't.
- So us guys are doing this.
- Yep.
No.
Look, I get this is
hard, okay, but we...
- Julia, no.
- ... have to do everything we can
in our power to make sure that
our child has a better
mother than you did.
- He already does.
- She might.
If we can find out what
happens to traveler moms.
And the only one that
we can talk to is yours.
I don't even know where she is.
I do. Connecticut,
according to the locator spell.
Okay, you realize that you
are getting more intense
every day and impossible to argue with
and it is kind of scary.
Hormones, dude. Enjoy the ride.
_
So I lensed the outside of the hotel,
and this room is 30 degrees
hotter than all the others.
It's got to be where The Couple
has the World Seed stashed.
Also there's someone in there,
probably a guard.
Brava, but stealing the seed
means taking it out of that hot house.
How do you transport
it without killing it?
- Well, you tell me.
- Well, I don't know.
But The Couple did.
- Magnus Dellacorte.
- Top hedge, west coast.
Best friends George and Paloma Ball.
The Balls.
Explains why they go by The Couple.
Magnus lost two things
the night of his 53rd birthday party.
His life, to a coronary;
and the World Seed,
both courtesy of The Couple
who aren't such good friends,
but badass bandits.
But how did they get the seed out?
Five minutes in the
open air and it's dead.
Paloma's wearing couture.
Maybe they kept it warm
with their white-hot taste.
Except that bag.
It's a Birkin knockoff.
And a shit one.
Really? It looks kind of fancy.
To you, which is why you're so adorable.
Maybe the bag is homemade.
- Some kind of...
- Incubator they cooked up.
To keep the seed toasty.
Yeah.
Good job, class.
- Mm-hmm.
- Couple's suite.
We make sure they aren't
there, we break in,
find the incubator bag,
which'll definitely be on-site,
because Paloma would never wear it
unless it was to steal the seed.
Might be criminal Tiffany's,
but it's fashion Walmart.
We go to temperature control.
We crank the seed room down to freezing.
The guard freaks out.
Cell phones don't work in the Nave,
so he has to call The Couple on
the landline, which is dead...
Because I cut it.
He goes full pant-shit,
has to find The Couple.
- Opens the seed room door...
- Runs out.
We're right there with
the homemade hot pocket,
we drop the seed in and jet.
- Then the guard will see you.
- Three against one.
- Bellhops?
- We pull the fire alarm,
blend into the emotional
pandemonium, exit.
With a nod to "Fantastic Beasts."
One problem. What's
happening in the basement
needs to be timed
to the second with what's
happening in the seed room.
Take too long and the seed
will freeze to death.
And with all communications jammed,
how's each team supposed to
know what to do and when?
Well, there's the conductor spell.
Created by a conductor
who was going blind.
So he and his orchestra
could still communicate.
Wouldn't all those voices
be kind of confusing?
Each musician only hears the conductor,
but never one another.
I'm totally sure I don't understand
and totally sure it's going to work.
Why wouldn't it set off
the hotel protections?
The spell was designed to help artists,
so by nature, it's innocuous.
You'll be the conductor then?
I would, but I don't know
the hotel, not like...
So wait, not only are we breaking
into a hotel of horrors,
but our conductor has
to be a psychopath?
Sociopath, technically.
And you wrote my word as bond yourself.
What happened to that
arrogant self-confidence
you're so famous for?
Oops. Right.
Look, if you're too scared
to pull your weight...
I'm fine.
As long as Zelda's there
to keep an eye on you.
Mm-kay.
That should adjust for circumstances.
Remember, you have to
keep hold of the baton.
If you let go, it breaks the spell.
Shall we test it?
Okay, kids.
Get ready to be my sock puppets.
What is this sorcery?
Woman in my head, reveal yourself!
He must have been in range of the spell.
So I have to run a heist
with a pig in my head?
What the shit with the gun?
It is to put in the hands of a hero
who will do what is just and necessary.
Which is?
Assassinate she who
plots to destroy Fillory.
Julia Wicker.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Wait, is that thing loaded?
- Of course it is!
No, no! Please! People,
the fate of my world is at stake.
Oh, gentlemen, please
control your spinsters.
Guys, are you seeing this too?
♪ Oh, I can't take another heartache ♪
♪ Though you say you're my friend ♪
♪ I'm at my wit's end ♪
♪ You say your love is bonafide ♪
♪ But that don't coincide ♪
♪ With the things that you
do and when I ask you ♪
♪ To be nice, you say ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel to be
kind, in the right measure ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind,
it's a very good sign ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind, means
that I love you, baby ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel ♪
♪ You gotta be cruel to be kind ♪
♪ Well I do my best
to understand, dear ♪
♪ But you still mystify
and I want to know why ♪
♪ I pick myself up off the ground ♪
♪ To have you knock me back down ♪
♪ Again and again ♪
♪ And when I ask you to explain ♪
♪ You say ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel to be
kind, in the right measure ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind,
it's a very good sign ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind, means
that I love you, baby ♪
♪ You've gotta be cruel ♪
♪ You gotta be cruel to be kind ♪
♪ Baby ♪
You see?
This is why I don't hang
out with you people.
But on the bright side,
we were pitch perfect.
I will kill Julia.
You have my solemn word
as a devout Catholic.
A hero has risen.
With a most excellent singing voice.
Well, we'll karaoke in Fillory
because it's definitely
not getting destroyed.
- Vaya con Dios.
- Yeah.
I think I speak for the group
in wondering why the fuck
did we all just chorus line?
Yeah, and I heard all of you
in my head, not just Marina.
Yeah, what the hell?
Our circumstances are unstable.
Our collective surge of
emotion must have broken down
some of the spell's barriers.
And as for the singing, well,
it was designed by a conductor
and music is the purest
manifestation of feeling...
So let me get this straight.
Every time we have a feeling,
we're gonna go full-on "Glee"?
That doesn't seem ideal
for, you know, a heist.
Wait, do you guys remember
when we were learning battle magic?
If the spell's gonna make
us break out into song
every time we get worked up,
why don't we emotion bottle ourselves?
'Cause that went so well the last time.
No, no. That's good.
It might help also avoid
bellhop detection,
no emotions for them to sense.
So repress the overwhelming urge
to sing while stealing shit.
It's eighth grade all over again.
_
Hi. I'm looking for a patient.
- Name?
- Neela Adiyodi.
There must be some mistake.
I'm Neela Adiyodi.
I've spent my whole life
thinking my mom was a basket case.
You're telling me she's fine?
She was fine with me.
We need to see how she is with you.
Look, I won't pretend
that I can even imagine
what this is like for you.
But you won't be alone.
We're in. Marina, you copy?
Loud and clear. How
are you guys feeling?
We're not.
Pete.
You're up.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Look.
Everyone in the know
knows about you guys.
And what exactly do they know?
The best is barely good enough.
That's what I deal in.
Art, spells, totems, best of the best.
- You've got six minutes.
- That's too bad.
I just ordered a bottle
of 2005 Haut-Brion
that will take at least
half an hour to decant.
36 minutes, then.
_
Is this the one?
That's...
very moist.
Guys.
The Couple's been translating
the World Seed page.
But wrong.
Grab it.
And we're Fogged.
Guys, what is going on?
Should I wait here for you guys, or?
Sir, there's a problem.
Is that my suitcase?
You told The Couple that
this is a bottle of 2005 Haut-Brion,
when, in fact, it's Two-Buck Chuck.
That constitutes deceit,
a violation of hotel protocol.
You'll be checking out immediately.
Abort.
Fogg 17 showed up.
He's got Team Incubator.
That's catastrophic.
- We rescue them.
- Yup.
All right.
Hello.
Management has been alerted
to the presence of unauthorized guests.
- Oh.
- Please present your key cards.
We are late. Sorry.
Hello?
Jesus, Alice, what's going on?
Answer me.
Eliot? Kady?
Get off of them! Get off of them!
♪ I wish I was smarter ♪
♪ I got so lost on the shore ♪
♪ I wish I was taller ♪
♪ Things really matter ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ And I'm still ♪
♪ So afraid ♪
♪ Yes, I'm still ♪
♪ So afraid ♪
♪ On my own ♪
That was interesting.
Empath overload.
I doubt it will last.
Alice, let's go.
Okay.
Guess Alice had a little moment.
Get your shit together people.
Huh, what do we have here?
Oh, Christ.
You brought the gun. Strong choice.
Thanks.
Thank you, Henry.
George, my pleasure.
On our new world, you can
have your own island.
No. I want my own goddamn country.
Fine.
There won't be a new world.
Really?
Your translation of the page is wrong.
You're going to end up killing the seed.
How would you know?
Smart girl.
Keep going.
I'm Fillorian.
I can translate the page correctly.
I'll even help you grow the seed.
If you spare my friends.
I'm so sorry. I can't control it.
I'm sorry.
Your weaponized emotional baggage
turned out to be a weirdly good thing.
So Fen pulled a stall.
She's headed to the seed
room with The Couple.
Josh and Margo are still
in their suite with Fogg.
Can you get them free?
Kady, if you can take out Fogg alone,
I think I can help Alice.
Good luck.
Alice? Do you trust me?
- What are you doing?
- Just a little sip.
To the confusion of our enemies.
Alice, whatever it is,
whatever you're feeling,
you can just tell me.
I just can't stop thinking
about what he did to me.
I was so, so useless.
So stupid.
♪ In this proud land we grew up strong ♪
♪ We were wanted all along ♪
♪ I was taught to fight, taught to win ♪
♪ I never thought I could fail ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ 'Cause you have friends ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You're not beaten yet ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ I know you can make it good ♪
♪ Though I saw it all around ♪
♪ Never thought that
I could be affected ♪
♪ Thought that we'd be last to go ♪
♪ It is so strange the way things turn ♪
♪ Rest your head ♪
♪ You worry too much ♪
♪ It's going to be all right ♪
♪ When times get rough ♪
♪ You can fall back on us ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ Please don't give up ♪
♪ I've got to walk out of here ♪
♪ I can't take anymore ♪
♪ I'm gonna stand on that bridge ♪
♪ Keep my eyes down below ♪
♪ Whatever may come ♪
♪ And whatever may go ♪
♪ That river's flowing ♪
♪ That river's flowing ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ 'Cause you have friends ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You're not the only one ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ No reason to be ashamed ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You still have us ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ We're proud of who you are ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ You know it's never been easy ♪
♪ Don't give up ♪
♪ 'Cause I believe there's a place ♪
♪ There's a place where we belong ♪
No!
It's bad enough I have to sing.
It's okay.
First thing you have to do
is explain why you want
to build a new world.
- To you?
- To the seed.
It's alive, and in order to grow,
it needs to know exactly
what you want and why.
The seed will know if you lie
and will refuse to grow.
We've made powerful
enemies here on Earth.
And one cursed us, making us...
Unable to have children.
But on a new world,
beyond the reach of our enemies,
we hope to have a family.
Okay.
I have to admit, that's not a
motive I could have guessed,
but do you really think you'd
make the best parents?
Hi, Mom.
William?
You're going to be a father.
That's...
that's wonderful.
It's why I'm here.
I need to know everything
you went through.
When did you start hearing voices?
About three months into the pregnancy.
At first, they thought it
was a chemical imbalance.
But after you were born,
I started to get worse.
They said the stress of
parenting brought on
a latent psychological disorder,
probably one I'd inherited.
The first time I had to send you away...
I hear myself say that,
and I still can't believe I did it.
- I'm so sorry...
- Mom, I'm okay.
I need you to tell me
everything you can.
The voices went away when you did,
and when you came back, so did they.
Every time you came back,
there was less and less
of the little boy...
Mom, this isn't about me.
I wanted so much to raise you,
love you, protect you.
But what you needed
protection from was me.
What?
Mom?
I'm sorry. Someone's calling me.
What is it? What do you need?
Mom, there's no one calling you.
Of course there is. It must
be one of my patients.
There's more of them.
You don't hear them? They're screaming.
I don't.
Oh, no. No.
No, no, not again. Please stop.
You need to hurry it up, Kady.
Just be careful.
Guys, it's Kady.
We have a problem.
Let me guess, camouflage potion?
Liquid explosive?
Ah, good old chloroform. Hmm.
Huh. Goddamn scotch.
But not just any scotch.
Isabella Islay's Single Malt.
God damn it, who knew you had taste?
- Wait, no. I need that.
- Are you a drunk now?
Well, congratulations.
Let me help you get back on the wagon.
Now why don't you save
us all some trouble
and tell me where the rest
of your colleagues are.
I...
God damn it.
What did you put in this?
A pharmaceutical I bought off
a very helpful bartender.
Street name, Archie.
But...
What just happened?
I just sent him on a trip
to the Etheric Realm
where rules prevent Henry
Fogg from leaving.
Here's hoping they're too high
to notice there's a new one.
Nice work.
Okay. Alice and Eliot?
If you're done with the singing?
You sure you're okay?
No. But I can do this.
Great, now everything's fine, but...
medium-sized bump in the road.
Pete just called from a cell
phone outside the hotel.
He got caught doing a very Pete scam
and they booted him.
- The suitcase?
- Went with him.
There goes our escape route.
I'm almost annoyed.
I might have an idea.
Open the window.
Let's hope that works.
Well, that was a disaster.
Let's go before I check myself in here.
Hang on. Look.
When she's alone,
everything's normal, but,
but when you show up...
My traveler shit doesn't work
and I still mess her up.
Functional or not, you're still you.
So it's...
it's gonna be the same
for you and the baby?
Unless we figure out what it is
and find a way to cut it.
Okay, Alice and Eliot are
en route to the basement.
Kady, Josh, Margo, get ready to move.
Standing by, Marina.
Oh.
If it's the pig again,
we're having pork chops.
- You've gotta be shitting me.
- I beg your pardon?
Oh, hey, babe. What are you doing here?
- I knew it.
- Knew what?
I put a locator spell on the heist book.
And since you've been MIA for two days,
I figured I'd find you with it
doing exactly what you promised
you'd never do again.
Look, babe, it's not what it looks like.
- But I mean, I mean it is, but...
- God, I'm an idiot.
Listen, babe, people's
lives are on the line.
You're doing that thing
where you call me babe a bunch of times,
which is exactly how I
know that you're lying.
Okay, this is not the time.
And it's also not about you.
So...
What the fuck did you just do?
Marina, do you copy?
Are we good to go?
She's offline.
Fair to say, "act out"?
I know you mean well, Julia,
but I really can't talk right now.
Okay, look, can I just
show you something?
Where'd you get this?
You see that cord thing between you?
What's going on?
You're not crazy, Neela.
Look, magic is real.
I'm a magician. And so is your son.
But he's a rare breed
with this link that they
have to their mothers.
Every time they're close by...
- Stop!
- ... their abilities start to bleed over...
Stop. Stop!
Just stop.
My baby has the same abilities as Penny,
which means it causes the same problems.
Oh, this isn't happening.
This is happening.
Look, I swear, I know I'm asking a lot,
but if you could just take a
chance and let me help you,
you could have your son back.
You could get to know your grandchild.
Wouldn't that be worth it?
I can't.
I can't go through this again.
It'll kill me.
Tell William I'm sorry.
How many times do I have to tell you
the heist is not for me?
Right, and you're not
fucking the sexy librarian.
Her? Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, my, no. But thank you.
How can I believe anything that you say?
It took a fucking spell
for you to care about anyone
other than yourself...
I do care.
But I'm also pretty done bending
over backwards for you.
So you either get on board
with the me who's me,
or you can fuck off.
Oh, good.
Thanks.
I finally know where we stand.
- Are, are you all right?
- Fix the goddamn baton.
Look, I know this was maybe
worse than you thought,
but now we've got a shot at fixing it.
Yeah.
Penny.
She asked me to give you something.
Okay, don't turn down the
temperature without Marina.
If the others aren't ready, it'll...
Kill the seed. I know.
Ah, but it wouldn't hurt to
find the right controls...
Get away from the equipment, sir.
Oh, my.
This is bad.
Jesus, Eliot, what now?
Hello, Marina. Glad you're back with us.
I just need to take
care of this bellhop.
Did you lower the temperature?
Eliot?
♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh, oh ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Just get me to the airport,
put me on a plane ♪
♪ Hurry, hurry, hurry,
before I go insane ♪
♪ I can't control my fingers,
I can't control my brain ♪
♪ Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Just put me in a wheelchair,
get me on a plane ♪
♪ Hurry, hurry, hurry,
before I go insane ♪
♪ I can't control my fingers,
I can't control my brain ♪
♪ Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
Done.
Okay. Team World Seed, you're up.
Chug yours.
♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Just put me in a wheelchair,
get me to the show ♪
♪ Hurry, hurry, hurry,
before I go loco ♪
♪ I can't control my fingers,
I can't control my toes ♪
♪ Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
Let's go!
George.
I love your blades.
You're a strange girl.
Thank you.
If you don't give us the
correct translations soon,
you'll be a strange fingerless girl.
Paloma.
You do that, the bellhops
will just rip you to shreds.
Yeah, no, we kind of
found their kryptonite.
Well, I'm fine slitting her throat.
Yeah, me too.
Whoa, everybody just calm down.
Okay? Nobody needs to die.
Except the seed
if we keep standing around talking.
See, our friends cranked the AC in here.
So unless you wanna kill the seed,
back off and let us put
it in the bag, stat.
Oh, Christ.
Well, now we've all got a problem.
Guys, hey. Let's not
die or kill the seed.
Kady, Ball,
drop your knives.
Shit.
All right.
Now I think I have a fair solution.
- Hands.
- Come on.
George!
- I got the seed.
- Swallow, Sunshine.
We need to call an ambulance.
The seed. The seed.
It's fine.
But where the hell is the seed, Fen?
I've fucking got it, Margo!
Guys, Alice has an exit.
Get to the roof.
Come on. Let's go.
- I can't...
- Run!
♪ Bam, bam, bambam,
bambam, bam, bambam ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
♪ Bam, bam, bambam,
bambam, bam, bambam ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪
The bellhops figured out
earplugs. We gotta move.
Fen, where the fuck is the seed?
And why are you running so weird?
The seed is somewhere warm.
Very humid. Even moist?
Oh, whoa.
- Come on.
- We gotta go.
In here.
So what's the escape plan?
It's more of an escape plea.
_
Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers.
♪ Cruel to be kind,
in the right measure ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind,
it's a very good sign ♪
♪ Cruel to be kind, means
that I love you, baby ♪
♪ You gotta be cruel to be kind ♪