The Magicians (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Be the Hyman - full transcript
Slap fight! Josh eats a pickle. Dreams are weird.
Previously on "The Magicians"...
- The Couple has power.
And they are not good people.
Give me the page.
If the finger's still viable,
I reattach.
I'm Hyman Cooper.
I was a student here
in the 1920s... a traveler.
Someone moved my body.
I stole this.
Stasis charm...
Freezes the wearer in time.
Holy shit. Umber?
You make for an excellent
focus group for my new world.
More of a pocket world, really.
I will get out of here.
And then I'll turn you
into lobsters and eat you.
Hey, what happened to your eye?
I lent it to Josh.
Your own personal Margo-Pro.
Josh didn't die.
He was in the Taker Realm and...
That's not possible.
Somebody opened a door that
should not have been opened.
It could mean the end
of everything.
I think I can't do
what I need to do
if I'm worried about
how it's gonna affect you.
I think we need to be done.
My pregnancy is going
to be sped up?
It's Red Monkey Month.
Everything goes faster
in Red Monkey Month.
Wait, so you're saying
that's a thing...
Me being able to take on
what the baby can do?
Maybe.
Well, maybe
this baby's a traveler.
Yeah, uh...
we should probably talk.
It seems like
I missed a lot here.
It's actually super simple.
The Dark King,
aka Rupert Chatwin,
is trying to jailbreak his dead
lover out of hell or whatever,
so he needs to get rid
of the guard dogs first.
Hence, using you
as a human smallpox blanket
to kill the Takers.
Yeah, I-I meant more like, uh...
[groans]
Contraception wards are
supposed to be foolproof.
- Don't worry.
My uterus is on lock.
Right, 'cause a werewolf baby
could be...
[chuckles] Yikes.
But potentially very cute.
Fucking adorable.
Some day. Not now.
I'm not giving birth
to a goddamn litter, Josh.
Besides...
I thought we were done.
You risked your sanity to
save me from the Taker Realm.
If that doesn't buy us
a clean slate, then...
So can we skip
to the reunion banging?
[chuckles]
- You're wearing three rubbers.
- At least.
[dramatic music]
♪
Have you been to a doctor?
I mean, they don't exactly
have ultrasounds in Fillory.
Have you thought
about what this means for us?
What do you want it to mean?
- We broke up for good reasons.
None of that has changed.
My dad wasn't around for long.
My mom...
Look, I'm not doing that
to our kid.
I want to be there for him... her?
No clue yet.
I want you to be there, too.
You guys.
Um, I'm sorry,
but, um, there's a problem.
We were in the elevator, and
Eliot and Fen just collapsed.
[sighs]
Hello?
[eerie music]
♪
Hello?
Anyone?
[sighs]
Eliot?
Oh, it's you.
What kind
of Fillorian nonsense is this?
- Or am I dreaming?
- I know I'm not.
In my dreams, you're nice to me.
[clicks tongue]
- What the shit is going on?
[clears throat]
- Whoa, oh.
Look away, look away.
Still draping here.
We were just settling on safe
words when we woke up here.
- Any idea why?
- Mm.
♪ Yoo-hoo
♪
Welcome, High Kings.
- Ember.
I thought you were dead.
Oh, I am an energetic emanation,
my dear blinking idiot.
A message left
by the great god Ember
to forewarn
of impending apocalypse.
- I've met this guy before.
- Mm-hmm.
I have brought you here
because you are the living
Former High Kings of Fillory,
and your kingdom
rests on the knife's edge
of annihilation.
[giggles]
Huh.
[eerie music]
♪
[sighs]
You do realize
I have other things to do?
Whatever.
I just had to pull Josh's pants
back on, so diagnose.
They're asleep.
I mean, obviously,
they're cursed or whatever.
But beyond that, just wait
and see if they wake up.
Should we just slap them?
Believe me, I tried.
I'm gonna go see what we have
on narcolepsy spells.
You were not pregnant
the last time I saw you,
like, at all.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, things happened fast.
Everything looks fine for now,
but I should do more scans.
It looks like
you have fast-forwarded
through the first
two trimesters.
You're ready to pop.
Accelerated pregnancies
can be dangerous.
And, uh, it's a hybrid.
Have you had any side effects?
Psychic episodes?
Uh, yes, that I kind of
caused myself.
Yeah, she had to
to get out of, well, a dungeon.
But none since.
Um, actually, that's not
entirely true.
Wait, what?
A couple of aftershocks,
but it's really no big deal.
I've already put up
every mental ward I know.
Okay.
There are treatments, but they
have to be applied regularly.
And the only place that it's
safe to cast right now is...
The Brakebills Lab...
because the Moon is still
pissed at us.
Uh, look, I'll be there
the minute I can.
We're just dealing
with some stuff.
Clearly. Don't wait too long.
[dramatic music]
♪
As you ought to remember,
I am activated by world war,
pandemic, revolt of dwarves...
Or the mass rising of the dead.
Yeah, we know.
We're already on it.
Huzzah!
And I have summoned all of you
because the current ruler is
the nitwit causing the problem.
The thing is he's
sort of unkillable.
I rescind my huzzah.
In addition to being
just very creepy,
the dead drain life,
contaminating everything
they touch,
like a pickle on a sandwich.
- I like pickles.
- Behold!
A dead person wriggling
from their grave.
[growling goofily]
And this is every Fillorian
who has ever lived.
[all groan]
You see?
The pickles of the dead
will ruin Fillory.
You must stop this,
whatever the cost.
Well, the cost is blowing up
the entire planet, which is...
A decent option?
I was gonna say
counterproductive.
Only if you care
about peasants, which I do not.
[knock at door]
- Do you want to get that, or...
- Oh, no.
That's just...
A mouse farted or something.
[knock at door]
A very gassy mouse.
Umber.
It is I,
an energetic emanation
of Umber, great god of...
- Piss off.
Nobody wants you here.
I have heard your lamentations
and am here to help.
I was designed to intervene
if my anarchist brother
tries something stupid,
like blowing up the planet.
[hisses]
Do you have a better suggestion?
I do, sweet matron of Fillory.
After I faked my own death,
I fled to Earth
and built new worlds.
- Didn't finish any.
- Did too.
Mostly.
I intended to rescue my people
from this chaotic place,
so I also built an ark.
- Like a big-ass boat?
- A pocket world.
A temporary vessel
that pulls every living
Fillorian off the planet
so that I might deliver them
to a new, more perfect world.
So you're saying we can use
the ark, rescue the people,
blow up Fillory,
and stop the Dark King?
If anyone is gonna destroy
this putrid stank-hole,
it will be me.
Oh!
[slaps landing]
Oh, my gods!
Guys...
Then they just slapped
each other over and over
for hours.
I think they forgot
we were there.
Okay, I'm just having
a hard time with the part
where we save Fillory
by destroying it.
Yeah. It seems extreme.
And what happens to magic?
I mean, the Wellspring is
on Fillory.
Well, we don't know.
But our only other choice is
to let the dead spill
into our world.
Every world.
The pocket world is temporary.
So where do we put
all the Fillorians... Earth?
Have you seen how we treat
our own refugees?
What about the World Seed?
From Q's page.
If we could find it, we could
use it to build a new world...
a new Fillory.
That's insane...
in a good way.
And a bad way.
I think The Couple
have the seed.
And the page they stole is
just an instruction manual.
It's useless on its own.
And they went to some pretty
extreme lengths to get it.
Upside is we have time.
And the Moon will keep them
from casting on it.
And it's in a dead language
I couldn't decipher.
I took pictures, but...
Okay, well, if you work
on finding the seed,
I can work on the language.
Sticking us with grabbing
the ark thingy from Umber's.
- Oh, Quentin and I went once.
It's in Vancouver.
- Is your traveling still jacked?
- Yeah.
But there is someone
who could help.
[grunts]
Okay, buddy.
If you can hear me...
Be the Hyman.
[gasps, wheezing]
♪
[sighs]
I'm a-alive?
Yeah.
♪
[gasping]
Thank you. Thank you.
[cries]
[inhales deeply]
[off-key piano playing wildly]
♪
[gasps and laughs]
[quirky music]
♪
[screams and laughs]
Whore!
Oh.
[sniffs] Ugh.
Just kidding.
[gasps]
[squeals]
Oh, my God.
Ah, this is incredible.
I love fingering things.
Right, okay.
How about a few
"being alive in
the 21st-century" ground rules?
Mm.
First of all, you can't act
like a fucking pervert anymore.
Even white dudes can't
get away with that shit.
Most of the time.
People can see you
and hear you and...
- And smell you.
Sorry, pregnancy nose.
- No.
- Ow.
Ground rules, Hyman.
Okay, boys, let's get back
on mission, shall we?
Uh, we need you to travel
some people to Umber's house.
You think you can do it?
You guys need me? Whoa.
My traveling's a little rusty,
but I'll do
whatever you guys need.
Yeah, about that...
- [needle buzzing]
- [screaming]
You wouldn't know it
from how stoic I was,
but it was the worst pain
anyone has ever felt.
- Wow, that's neat.
Here's the address to Umber's.
- Are you sure you can do this?
- [scoffs]
- Buddy, I know my onions.
- That means yes?
That must mean yes.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Remind me. You are...
- Fen.
- Fen.
Eliot's wife.
- Fillory girl.
- Oh, of course, Fillory girl.
You're the...
You're the one who loves forks.
- What's got you grummy?
- I'm fine.
As a seasoned viewer of people,
I think you're upset
'cause their plan is zany,
and you know if you speak up,
they won't listen.
[laughs] What? No.
Their... their plan is great.
And they do listen to me.
Didn't Eliot say
you were a hayseed
from a backwards
prolapsed asshole of a planet?
[stammers]
Or were you not there?
- Okay, outsider to outsider...
- Yeah?
Doesn't this feel like
the part in the story
where the good guys
are just wrong?
Hearts in the right place,
but they haven't learned
the lesson of this little
morality play they're in yet.
So they have this crazy plan
that makes them almost
as bad as the villain.
- Oh.
- Or maybe it's just me.
♪
[gasps]
[gasps] I did it.
[laughs] I really did it.
We'll ring you when
we're ready to travel back.
I'm not coming with you inside?
We're all full up
on perverts here.
- Oh.
[sighs]
Oh, that's...
That's... that's fine.
I've got other stuff to do.
I'm... I'm...
Maybe I'll go Google myself.
- You know what?
Knock... knock yourself out.
That's...
- Bye.
- Bye.
[sighs] [door opens]
I'm sorry.
The master of the house
isn't available right now.
Please return another time.
Wait, why does he look
like Umber, but boring?
That's his human form,
for blending in with Canadians.
Must be another emanation.
He's a ghost butler.
♪ Who you gonna call?
[chuckles] That guy.
We spoke to the horny version
of you in Fillory.
He sent us here to get a thing.
Can we?
In the beginning,
there was nothing
until a tigress,
blind in one eye,
came to a lonely shore.
The tigress looked upon
this raw world, and...
And... what?
I'm sorry.
The master of the house
isn't available.
I think ghost butler is broken.
Or it's a test.
Solve the puzzle,
get in the door.
How could it be a test?
He's just spouting
random nonsense.
- Oh, it's not random.
It's Fillorian scripture.
The birth of Ember and Umber.
You guys haven't heard
this story?
What happens next?
Well, the tigress...
She waded into the ocean
and drowned herself.
And as her body disappeared
beneath the waves,
two shells washed ashore.
And from those shells came Ember
and then his shadow, Umber.
Welcome.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
[dramatic music]
♪
- [high-pitched ringing]
- [winces] Ow.
God, shut up.
Julia.
I'm fine. I'm just...
It's a little bit
of aftershock, that's all.
Hyman.
Penny, did you know
they sell pre-sliced bread now?
That's the greatest invention
since... I don't even know what.
Your parents...
Were they magicians?
No.
Uh, Dad was a door-to-door
snake salesman.
- Snake oil?
- No.
And my mom worked at a brothel.
You know, just mopping.
Okay, did she, um...
Did she suffer
from any mental problems?
Psychic stuff
from being pregnant with you?
Oh, no. Nothing like that.
After the lobotomy, she mostly
just sat on the porch
and sucked at bits of hay.
Other than that,
she was the perfect mother.
Okay, come on.
I-I need your help
with something.
Put the sandwich down!
You want to find The Couple?
They're a myth like
the Boogeyman or Santa Claus.
Ah, Santa is very real,
and so are The Couple.
We met one of them.
The only other person
that I know
who believes they're real
is Marina.
Well, the last time we saw her,
we screwed her over,
moved the Moon,
stopped
the Harmonic Convergence,
which she was gonna use
for some heist-of-the-century
type of deal.
Oh, I didn't say
that she'll help you.
I just said she's
the only one who can.
- [sighs]
- [crunching]
Pretty by-the-numbers
defensive wards.
Marina's not a by-the-numbers
kind of girl.
You guys.
- Come here.
- Uh, uh...
Kady, I just wanted
to tell you that I am so sorry
for all of the times
that I've hurt you.
Come inside for cookies?
♪
What the fuck was that?
I'm still learning
how to bake, so no judging.
Well, go ahead.
They're not poisoned.
But they might be.
- Marina, why are you...
- Nice?
Mm-hmm.
Well, this might surprise you...
[chuckles] But I made
some bad choices in the past.
And I needed to fix that,
so I went to a trance healer.
Um...
she put a block on all
the parts of my personality
that made aggressive,
but ultimately
self-destructive, choices.
This feels like a scam.
That's a weird scam.
I'm not asking you for anything.
And you came to me.
Seems like you need something?
We're looking for The Couple.
Well, this has been great,
but I actually have
to get ready for church.
But you know who they are.
I know that going after them
is the very definition
of an "Old Marina" decision.
Look, I want to help you.
I do, really.
If it was anything else...
But they have something we need
to stop the end of everything.
The World Seed.
The most valuable object in
the multiverse, people say...
which is why I wanted
to steal it...
until you stopped
the Harmonic Convergence.
Wait, that was
your heist of the century?
- Wait.
So you could help us steal it.
No. No, no, no.
I-I don't do things
like that anymore.
Stealing from The Couple...
people will get hurt.
Way more people will get hurt
if you don't help us.
Alice, friends don't
make friends grapple
with the Trolley Problem.
- They cut off my fingers.
There's no gray area here.
♪
They're hiding the seed
inside a hotel called The Nave.
I've been there.
They only let in Magicians.
Everything about it is secret.
It has a vault.
It's the most secure place
on the planet.
But you had a plan to break in.
I had partners.
We spent months
constructing a map
of every inch of that hotel
and its defenses.
We called it our heist book.
Problem is,
things got really crazy,
and I don't actually know
where the book ended up.
[sighs]
♪
But I know someone who might.
Hey, buddy. Been a minute.
Need some ice chips
or something?
Oh, Christ, no. Go away.
Is that Gavin from the Library?
He doesn't...
I don't work for
the sodding library anymore.
- Yeah.
- What happened to you?
She didn't tell you?
Marina hired me
and a few other poor bastards
to rob The Couple.
She didn't tell us that
the plan was suicidal
without
the Harmonic Convergence.
Marina sent us in anyway.
One guy was killed,
horribly, I might add.
I was lucky. [Chuckles]
But now I'm stuck here,
a bag of shattered bones,
can't travel,
with fucking Daryl over there
talking my fucking ear off
all day and night.
[whispering] And so help me
God, if you wake him up,
I will kill all of your mothers.
Marina beat you to that one.
Then why are you
working with her?
Marina, maybe
you should step outside.
Mm.
We're not fans of Marina
or The Couple,
but we need the World Seed.
So, if you could just give us
the heist book, we can...
I would sooner shit my cast.
Well, it looks like that's
gonna happen either way,
so why not help us?
Because that would mean
helping Marina.
And if you think
I'm gonna do that,
then you have few 'roos loose
in the top paddock, love.
So either find a way to scratch
my ass or get the hell out.
That's why you did the spell
to make yourself good.
Because you sent them
on a suicide mission.
I thought maybe
they'd get lucky.
- Well, they really didn't.
- We need that heist book.
How did you convince Gavin
to help you in the first place?
I had leverage.
Well, then use it now.
That would be deeply unethical.
[sighs]
I think I'm gonna go
get him a smoothie.
- What?
- Ugh.
If he won't help us,
we're stuck.
We can't be stuck.
We need the book.
We need Marina.
Or...
we need to be Marina.
[door opens]
Oh, God.
- Look, we understand.
You don't want to help us.
We can't make you, but we can
take down your wards.
You're a traveler.
Without mental wards,
you'll hear people's thoughts,
all day, all night,
even while they're sleeping.
If you do that
while the Moon is borked,
my head will be, too.
I recently had
several fingers amputated
and reattached.
I'd be more concerned
about that if I were you.
[chuckles]
I underestimated you, Book Tart.
You're worse than Marina.
No.
Just desperate.
[breathing heavily]
Bugger you all to hell. Stop.
The heist book.
I can't give it to you
because I don't have it.
- Who does?
- Anna.
She took it after things
went pear-shaped.
Who is Anna?
- [door opens]
- Ask her.
[door closes]
Well, now we have
a real problem.
[door opens, closes]
Is that Chinese and ice cream?
You could smell that?
- I have a new superpower.
So what'd you get?
Uh, well, I-I...
[chuckles] Didn't know what you
were craving, so everything.
Also...
The Circumstances Control Panel?
Did you steal that from the Lab?
Hyman helped.
We figured if The Couple
is gonna use the World Seed,
they need clean magic.
So, without this,
they are stuck.
Hence, hiding it here.
If it were going
to be here anyway,
I figured Lipson could come by,
do the treatments,
run some scans...
Two birds.
Right, but Lipson said
the baby was fine.
She said she needed
to do more tests.
She said it might be dangerous.
And you said you'd have my back,
and instead,
you're trapping me here?
She has to reapply the
treatments every couple hours.
I'm just looking out
for you and the baby.
I mean, somebody has to.
- Oh, shit.
[laughs]
Sorry, I'll be quiet. Go on.
You can't eavesdrop
on people's shit like that.
But...
Yeah, Hyman,
you have a body now.
You really need
to understand boundaries.
- So do you.
- Julia, wait.
[door opens, closes]
Ooh. Uh-oh.
I stumbled
upon this place last time
when I was looking
for the bathroom.
This is where he keeps
all of his...
pocket worlds.
What the fuck?
I swear, this place was
full of them last time.
Well, where the shit
did they go?
Oh, "The Chankly Bore." Oh...
I grew up playing
Queen of the Hump
on hills just like this.
If it isn't the ark,
I don't give a shit.
- Okay... [claps hands]
Ghost butler?
I don't think
it works like that.
You can't just summon him.
He's not our butler.
Oh! Hi.
- Greetings.
How may I assist you?
We're looking
for a pocket world.
The master of the house
is not available.
All: We know.
And so all pocket worlds
have been removed
for security purposes.
- It's okay.
Umber sent us to get it.
He... he told us it'd be here.
Which world did he send you
to retrieve?
It's called The Ark.
Very well.
If Umber sent you on this task,
you should be able
to identify the true ark.
- But if you choose poorly...
- Ooh!
Uh, we age really fast,
and then we all turn to dust
just like in "the Last Crusade."
Indeed.
This security precaution is
inspired by my master's love
for "Indiana Jones
and the Last Crusade."
For copyright purposes,
the consequences
of an incorrect choice
has been changed
to something more explosive.
- Choose...
- Wisely.
Yeah, we get it.
All right, Fen.
You're the Fillory expert.
Have at it.
[dramatic music]
♪
Any day now.
♪
You know what?
Figure it out yourself.
♪
You need to let me
do the talking.
This is sensitive.
How did you fuck over Anna, huh?
She lose a limb or something?
Well, I definitely fucked her.
- Wait, she's your...
- Anna.
[sighs]
- Marina.
- [chuckles]
I want nothing to do with you.
- Anna, please.
It's an emergency.
[sighs]
It wasn't just one lie.
It was how one led
to another and another.
And now I don't know
if any of it was real.
Did you know that she was
from a different timeline?
'Cause I didn't.
And then you tried
to rob The Couple.
Our friend died because of you.
- I know.
I was a terrible person.
I was a greedy,
self-centered sociopath.
And when you left me,
I deserved it.
But I'm making amends now.
I've done a bunch of things
on your list.
I got the trance healing done.
But yet, here you are,
asking for the heist book.
Oh, wait, no,
that's just for us.
Or maybe this is
just another lie,
and you aren't better,
y-you aren't different at all.
- Look, trust me.
She is very different.
- I mean, she baked us cookies.
- Yeah.
Really terrible cookies.
- I don't trust you, okay?
You showed up with her.
Just give us the book,
and we'll go.
We'll never pull her into
our life of crime ever again.
Marina doesn't have
to be involved anymore.
But I do.
I'm sorry.
I literally can't lie.
This isn't simple
like robbing a bank.
You can't do it without me.
And plus, I promised
I would help you.
At least you're honest.
[dramatic music]
♪
I'm gonna take the spell
off Marina.
What?
The Healer would have used
a synaptic blocker...
Easy to remove,
even under weird circumstances.
You want to bring back
the bad Marina?
To get the book, we need her
to tell Anna that she's not
gonna help with the heist.
We need her to lie.
You're the one who said
that we should be like Marina.
This time we need
the real Marina.
[clears throat] Yeah, I think
she needs a minute.
♪
- What are you doing?
- Word-as-bond spell.
It's a magically
binding contract
that guarantees that you
will get the book for us
and, when you help us with the
heist, you won't fuck us over.
Well, you don't need that.
I mean, with the spell
I'm under,
I couldn't betray you
even if I wanted to.
Better safe than sorry.
[door opens]
[door creaks closed]
Julia? Are you here?
- What are you doing?
- Just stretching.
You're trying
to put yourself into stasis.
What the hell, man?
To be honest, I haven't
really enjoyed this episode
of my life.
What is so great
about having a body anyway?
Y-you're hungry all the time.
Everything you do
makes you sore.
You're pooping constantly.
That hasn't been my experience,
but your body's been in a bench
for a century, man.
Give it a minute.
And when dramatic things
are happening to your friends,
you can't even watch.
This is about me and Julia?
You're pissed
because you can't listen in
on everyone's
personal conversations?
- It's none of your business.
- But it is.
I put you two together.
I-I shipped you before
you even shipped yourselves.
Before, I was
a part of everything.
And now I am
a, uh, minor character
in my own story.
God.
[sighs]
♪
Well, that's...
that's the trade-off.
You don't get to spy
on people's intimate moments.
You get to live your own.
And that's supposed
to be better?
If people wanted to talk to me,
you think I would have
done this in the first place?
So spying on the showers was...
Loneliness.
And horniness.
You're never gonna make
a connection by hiding, Hyman.
You got to put yourself
out there.
Just be honest with people.
It may take a minute,
but you'll find someone
who can stand you.
Ah, are you doing that thing
where you're giving me advice
but it's just for you?
No, I'm trying to...
♪
[softly] Oh, God damn it.
I got to find Julia.
While I'm gone,
promise me you're
not gonna stasis yourself.
[sighs] Well...
Give me the locket.
♪
Talk to somebody.
Have a conversation.
♪
[door opens]
[object clatters]
[struggling]
Hello? Is someone there?
- [trash can clattering]
- [squealing]
Ah, Miss Wicker.
I have been looking for you.
[breathing heavily]
Yes, it's come to this.
[sighs]
Sir Effingham, what are you
doing with that trash can?
Some hapless fellow
left a sandwich of roast beef
in there,
and as I could not
get to market today...
Oh! Oh, my heavens.
You have embraced
the blessing of your sex.
But surely you have misplaced
your wedding band?
- You are widowed, then?
- No.
- Oh, you poor dear.
You are carrying a bastard.
Definitely talking to one.
Look, I thought you chose Todd
for this quest.
I fear he is not the intrepid
hero I once thought him to be.
You don't say.
Which is why,
in my gravest hour of need,
I have come
to vouchsafe you a quest.
Look, if this has
to do with Fillory...
For my vision of Fillory's
demise has grown clearer.
I now see those who would bring
the apocalypse to Fillory
have visited many times before.
They enter from a distant realm
through a tree.
- Like a portal tree?
- Indeed.
These fiends plan to thieve
away every soul in the land
before they destroy it outright.
Huh.
How exactly do they do that?
My vision is hazy, but I do know
that they will turn back
the clock on Fillory,
resulting in ruin.
Um...
do these fiends... do they...
Do they succeed
in stealing the people
and building a new world
for them?
That much I do
not know because...
[snorts] Wait.
I made no mention
of a new world.
- It is you.
- It's for Fillory's own good.
The dead will rise.
This is the only way
that we can save everyone.
Oh, hogwash!
What dark forces have
corrupted your fair mind?
You have.
We wouldn't be on this quest
if you hadn't told me about it
in the first place.
Are you now blaming me
for your own villainy?
Oh, the ways of the sow
are nastier
than I thought possible.
But... but know this.
The death of Fillory
cannot come without a cost.
What do you mean?
Those who would destroy her
will lose the ones they love.
[dramatic music]
♪
So we're sorry for treating you
like the friend who only
gets invited to trivia night.
You know I don't know
what that means.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Will you please help us
choose a globe?
Margo is chomping at the bit,
and Josh is holding her off
for as long as he can.
I thought I could talk myself
into this.
But I just keep thinking,
if this was Earth,
you would try a lot harder
to find some other way.
Yeah, probably.
So maybe it's my job
to represent Fillory.
But not just the people,
the place...
the history,
the things we can't take
with us.
You want my permission
to destroy it.
I can't give that to you.
Well, if you have any
other ideas, we are all ears.
- Do you?
- No.
♪
Was that supposed to do that?
Fillorians write down their
prayers to Umber and burn them.
This must be where they show up.
So they still pray to him
even though he's dead?
I know what you're thinking.
It's just like
the people of Fillory
to do something so stupid.
No. I was thinking...
it's taken me a really
long time to, uh, figure out
that you can still love
something even after it's gone.
Even if you helped kill it?
[sighs]
Okay, Fen.
It's time
for a "come to Umber" talk.
You don't want to be a sidekick?
You want to have a say?
This is what that feels like.
I'm not asking
for your permission.
Some part of Fillory has to die,
and you're the one
who has to choose.
Is it gonna be
the rocks and the dirt?
Or is it gonna be the people
and the traditions
and all of the things
that you can take with you?
- I got it!
[explosion]
Oh, no.
Aw, shit. I don't got it.
Oh!
Aah!
[explosions continue]
♪
Oh.
Oh! Oh!
It... it didn't explode.
I-I did it.
I chose wisely. I'm wise.
All the people of Fillory...
are going to fit
into a seahorse?
Mm-hmm.
How do you know
that was the one?
Because that's
how Ember and Umber
first brought people to Fillory.
They chartered
the Great Seahorse
to carry us in his pouch.
Ah.
- What?
How did people get to Earth?
- Uh, the same.
- Well...
- The same.
- Mm-hmm.
And I promise
I won't have anything to do
with robbing The Couple.
If you give the book
to Kady and Alice,
I'll never see it again.
Watching evil Marina
pretend to be good is...
I feel like shit.
- [sighs]
Yeah, I feel like shit, too.
- Here.
I'm glad to be rid of it.
- Is that...
- The heist book?
I know
It doesn't look like much.
Thank you. You guys...
We have a lot of work
to do... on us.
But we're gonna try
now that I'm better.
[chuckles]
Good.
Okay, so I guess
we're done here.
And we won't bother you anymore.
Yeah.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Hey.
I've been looking for you.
I saw the Pig Man again.
Turns out,
you know that apocalypse
I've been trying to stop?
We cause it.
If the prophecy says
that Fillory is destroyed,
that means we succeed, right?
I mean...
good news?
Yeah. Good news.
Look, about earlier,
I need to tell you...
- Look, I know.
I was irresponsible.
Look, I should just
accept the fact
that any control I had
over my life is now gone
and I am a walking incubator.
Julia...
It's just terrifying, you know?
What if Lipson does the test
and it's bad news?
You know, right now
everything is good.
And the thought of losing
any of that is just...
Julia, it's not the baby
I'm freaking out about.
Look, I told you
about how my dad left,
but what I didn't tell you...
what I haven't told anyone is...
around that time, my mom...
started having episodes.
Getting disoriented,
hearing shit that wasn't there.
Um...
the doctors thought
it was just stress
from my dad bailing on us, but...
You think it's because of you.
♪
What's happening to you...
looks just like
what happened to my mom.
And the episodes didn't stop
when I was born.
They got worse.
♪
When she burned down
our apartment,
it was the first time
I got thrown into foster care.
She'd fight to get me back,
and then she'd get sick again.
Eventually the state
took me in for good.
And I was scared, but...
I was more scared of my mom.
I fucked her up for life.
♪
I'm so sorry.
I don't want what happened
to her to happen to you.
Okay. I get it.
I'll do it...
the scans, the treatments.
But you have to know it won't be
like what happened to your mom.
We know about magic.
We have ways to deal with it.
And I won't put you in a cage.
♪
What the hell, man?
I tried to talk to him,
and he punched me in the face.
Who?
No. Mm-mm.
- I warned you not to cross me.
- How the hell did you get out?
Let this be my last lesson
to you as dean.
Don't make too many enemies.
They might find each other.
The Couple.
♪
Oh, I can't let you take
that panel out of here.
This is some
"fate of the world" shit.
Not my world, not my problem.
Then I guess I'm your problem.
[door closes]
Dean Fogg? What's going on?
Ha!
This just got
very, very interesting.
Are you stupid enough
to try and stop me?
♪
[chuckles]
♪
[door opens, closes]
What just happened?
The Couple just got
the last thing they need.
They have the Seed,
the page, and the Panel.
We got to tell the others.
They need to steal
that Seed now.
- The Couple has power.
And they are not good people.
Give me the page.
If the finger's still viable,
I reattach.
I'm Hyman Cooper.
I was a student here
in the 1920s... a traveler.
Someone moved my body.
I stole this.
Stasis charm...
Freezes the wearer in time.
Holy shit. Umber?
You make for an excellent
focus group for my new world.
More of a pocket world, really.
I will get out of here.
And then I'll turn you
into lobsters and eat you.
Hey, what happened to your eye?
I lent it to Josh.
Your own personal Margo-Pro.
Josh didn't die.
He was in the Taker Realm and...
That's not possible.
Somebody opened a door that
should not have been opened.
It could mean the end
of everything.
I think I can't do
what I need to do
if I'm worried about
how it's gonna affect you.
I think we need to be done.
My pregnancy is going
to be sped up?
It's Red Monkey Month.
Everything goes faster
in Red Monkey Month.
Wait, so you're saying
that's a thing...
Me being able to take on
what the baby can do?
Maybe.
Well, maybe
this baby's a traveler.
Yeah, uh...
we should probably talk.
It seems like
I missed a lot here.
It's actually super simple.
The Dark King,
aka Rupert Chatwin,
is trying to jailbreak his dead
lover out of hell or whatever,
so he needs to get rid
of the guard dogs first.
Hence, using you
as a human smallpox blanket
to kill the Takers.
Yeah, I-I meant more like, uh...
[groans]
Contraception wards are
supposed to be foolproof.
- Don't worry.
My uterus is on lock.
Right, 'cause a werewolf baby
could be...
[chuckles] Yikes.
But potentially very cute.
Fucking adorable.
Some day. Not now.
I'm not giving birth
to a goddamn litter, Josh.
Besides...
I thought we were done.
You risked your sanity to
save me from the Taker Realm.
If that doesn't buy us
a clean slate, then...
So can we skip
to the reunion banging?
[chuckles]
- You're wearing three rubbers.
- At least.
[dramatic music]
♪
Have you been to a doctor?
I mean, they don't exactly
have ultrasounds in Fillory.
Have you thought
about what this means for us?
What do you want it to mean?
- We broke up for good reasons.
None of that has changed.
My dad wasn't around for long.
My mom...
Look, I'm not doing that
to our kid.
I want to be there for him... her?
No clue yet.
I want you to be there, too.
You guys.
Um, I'm sorry,
but, um, there's a problem.
We were in the elevator, and
Eliot and Fen just collapsed.
[sighs]
Hello?
[eerie music]
♪
Hello?
Anyone?
[sighs]
Eliot?
Oh, it's you.
What kind
of Fillorian nonsense is this?
- Or am I dreaming?
- I know I'm not.
In my dreams, you're nice to me.
[clicks tongue]
- What the shit is going on?
[clears throat]
- Whoa, oh.
Look away, look away.
Still draping here.
We were just settling on safe
words when we woke up here.
- Any idea why?
- Mm.
♪ Yoo-hoo
♪
Welcome, High Kings.
- Ember.
I thought you were dead.
Oh, I am an energetic emanation,
my dear blinking idiot.
A message left
by the great god Ember
to forewarn
of impending apocalypse.
- I've met this guy before.
- Mm-hmm.
I have brought you here
because you are the living
Former High Kings of Fillory,
and your kingdom
rests on the knife's edge
of annihilation.
[giggles]
Huh.
[eerie music]
♪
[sighs]
You do realize
I have other things to do?
Whatever.
I just had to pull Josh's pants
back on, so diagnose.
They're asleep.
I mean, obviously,
they're cursed or whatever.
But beyond that, just wait
and see if they wake up.
Should we just slap them?
Believe me, I tried.
I'm gonna go see what we have
on narcolepsy spells.
You were not pregnant
the last time I saw you,
like, at all.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, things happened fast.
Everything looks fine for now,
but I should do more scans.
It looks like
you have fast-forwarded
through the first
two trimesters.
You're ready to pop.
Accelerated pregnancies
can be dangerous.
And, uh, it's a hybrid.
Have you had any side effects?
Psychic episodes?
Uh, yes, that I kind of
caused myself.
Yeah, she had to
to get out of, well, a dungeon.
But none since.
Um, actually, that's not
entirely true.
Wait, what?
A couple of aftershocks,
but it's really no big deal.
I've already put up
every mental ward I know.
Okay.
There are treatments, but they
have to be applied regularly.
And the only place that it's
safe to cast right now is...
The Brakebills Lab...
because the Moon is still
pissed at us.
Uh, look, I'll be there
the minute I can.
We're just dealing
with some stuff.
Clearly. Don't wait too long.
[dramatic music]
♪
As you ought to remember,
I am activated by world war,
pandemic, revolt of dwarves...
Or the mass rising of the dead.
Yeah, we know.
We're already on it.
Huzzah!
And I have summoned all of you
because the current ruler is
the nitwit causing the problem.
The thing is he's
sort of unkillable.
I rescind my huzzah.
In addition to being
just very creepy,
the dead drain life,
contaminating everything
they touch,
like a pickle on a sandwich.
- I like pickles.
- Behold!
A dead person wriggling
from their grave.
[growling goofily]
And this is every Fillorian
who has ever lived.
[all groan]
You see?
The pickles of the dead
will ruin Fillory.
You must stop this,
whatever the cost.
Well, the cost is blowing up
the entire planet, which is...
A decent option?
I was gonna say
counterproductive.
Only if you care
about peasants, which I do not.
[knock at door]
- Do you want to get that, or...
- Oh, no.
That's just...
A mouse farted or something.
[knock at door]
A very gassy mouse.
Umber.
It is I,
an energetic emanation
of Umber, great god of...
- Piss off.
Nobody wants you here.
I have heard your lamentations
and am here to help.
I was designed to intervene
if my anarchist brother
tries something stupid,
like blowing up the planet.
[hisses]
Do you have a better suggestion?
I do, sweet matron of Fillory.
After I faked my own death,
I fled to Earth
and built new worlds.
- Didn't finish any.
- Did too.
Mostly.
I intended to rescue my people
from this chaotic place,
so I also built an ark.
- Like a big-ass boat?
- A pocket world.
A temporary vessel
that pulls every living
Fillorian off the planet
so that I might deliver them
to a new, more perfect world.
So you're saying we can use
the ark, rescue the people,
blow up Fillory,
and stop the Dark King?
If anyone is gonna destroy
this putrid stank-hole,
it will be me.
Oh!
[slaps landing]
Oh, my gods!
Guys...
Then they just slapped
each other over and over
for hours.
I think they forgot
we were there.
Okay, I'm just having
a hard time with the part
where we save Fillory
by destroying it.
Yeah. It seems extreme.
And what happens to magic?
I mean, the Wellspring is
on Fillory.
Well, we don't know.
But our only other choice is
to let the dead spill
into our world.
Every world.
The pocket world is temporary.
So where do we put
all the Fillorians... Earth?
Have you seen how we treat
our own refugees?
What about the World Seed?
From Q's page.
If we could find it, we could
use it to build a new world...
a new Fillory.
That's insane...
in a good way.
And a bad way.
I think The Couple
have the seed.
And the page they stole is
just an instruction manual.
It's useless on its own.
And they went to some pretty
extreme lengths to get it.
Upside is we have time.
And the Moon will keep them
from casting on it.
And it's in a dead language
I couldn't decipher.
I took pictures, but...
Okay, well, if you work
on finding the seed,
I can work on the language.
Sticking us with grabbing
the ark thingy from Umber's.
- Oh, Quentin and I went once.
It's in Vancouver.
- Is your traveling still jacked?
- Yeah.
But there is someone
who could help.
[grunts]
Okay, buddy.
If you can hear me...
Be the Hyman.
[gasps, wheezing]
♪
[sighs]
I'm a-alive?
Yeah.
♪
[gasping]
Thank you. Thank you.
[cries]
[inhales deeply]
[off-key piano playing wildly]
♪
[gasps and laughs]
[quirky music]
♪
[screams and laughs]
Whore!
Oh.
[sniffs] Ugh.
Just kidding.
[gasps]
[squeals]
Oh, my God.
Ah, this is incredible.
I love fingering things.
Right, okay.
How about a few
"being alive in
the 21st-century" ground rules?
Mm.
First of all, you can't act
like a fucking pervert anymore.
Even white dudes can't
get away with that shit.
Most of the time.
People can see you
and hear you and...
- And smell you.
Sorry, pregnancy nose.
- No.
- Ow.
Ground rules, Hyman.
Okay, boys, let's get back
on mission, shall we?
Uh, we need you to travel
some people to Umber's house.
You think you can do it?
You guys need me? Whoa.
My traveling's a little rusty,
but I'll do
whatever you guys need.
Yeah, about that...
- [needle buzzing]
- [screaming]
You wouldn't know it
from how stoic I was,
but it was the worst pain
anyone has ever felt.
- Wow, that's neat.
Here's the address to Umber's.
- Are you sure you can do this?
- [scoffs]
- Buddy, I know my onions.
- That means yes?
That must mean yes.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Remind me. You are...
- Fen.
- Fen.
Eliot's wife.
- Fillory girl.
- Oh, of course, Fillory girl.
You're the...
You're the one who loves forks.
- What's got you grummy?
- I'm fine.
As a seasoned viewer of people,
I think you're upset
'cause their plan is zany,
and you know if you speak up,
they won't listen.
[laughs] What? No.
Their... their plan is great.
And they do listen to me.
Didn't Eliot say
you were a hayseed
from a backwards
prolapsed asshole of a planet?
[stammers]
Or were you not there?
- Okay, outsider to outsider...
- Yeah?
Doesn't this feel like
the part in the story
where the good guys
are just wrong?
Hearts in the right place,
but they haven't learned
the lesson of this little
morality play they're in yet.
So they have this crazy plan
that makes them almost
as bad as the villain.
- Oh.
- Or maybe it's just me.
♪
[gasps]
[gasps] I did it.
[laughs] I really did it.
We'll ring you when
we're ready to travel back.
I'm not coming with you inside?
We're all full up
on perverts here.
- Oh.
[sighs]
Oh, that's...
That's... that's fine.
I've got other stuff to do.
I'm... I'm...
Maybe I'll go Google myself.
- You know what?
Knock... knock yourself out.
That's...
- Bye.
- Bye.
[sighs] [door opens]
I'm sorry.
The master of the house
isn't available right now.
Please return another time.
Wait, why does he look
like Umber, but boring?
That's his human form,
for blending in with Canadians.
Must be another emanation.
He's a ghost butler.
♪ Who you gonna call?
[chuckles] That guy.
We spoke to the horny version
of you in Fillory.
He sent us here to get a thing.
Can we?
In the beginning,
there was nothing
until a tigress,
blind in one eye,
came to a lonely shore.
The tigress looked upon
this raw world, and...
And... what?
I'm sorry.
The master of the house
isn't available.
I think ghost butler is broken.
Or it's a test.
Solve the puzzle,
get in the door.
How could it be a test?
He's just spouting
random nonsense.
- Oh, it's not random.
It's Fillorian scripture.
The birth of Ember and Umber.
You guys haven't heard
this story?
What happens next?
Well, the tigress...
She waded into the ocean
and drowned herself.
And as her body disappeared
beneath the waves,
two shells washed ashore.
And from those shells came Ember
and then his shadow, Umber.
Welcome.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
[dramatic music]
♪
- [high-pitched ringing]
- [winces] Ow.
God, shut up.
Julia.
I'm fine. I'm just...
It's a little bit
of aftershock, that's all.
Hyman.
Penny, did you know
they sell pre-sliced bread now?
That's the greatest invention
since... I don't even know what.
Your parents...
Were they magicians?
No.
Uh, Dad was a door-to-door
snake salesman.
- Snake oil?
- No.
And my mom worked at a brothel.
You know, just mopping.
Okay, did she, um...
Did she suffer
from any mental problems?
Psychic stuff
from being pregnant with you?
Oh, no. Nothing like that.
After the lobotomy, she mostly
just sat on the porch
and sucked at bits of hay.
Other than that,
she was the perfect mother.
Okay, come on.
I-I need your help
with something.
Put the sandwich down!
You want to find The Couple?
They're a myth like
the Boogeyman or Santa Claus.
Ah, Santa is very real,
and so are The Couple.
We met one of them.
The only other person
that I know
who believes they're real
is Marina.
Well, the last time we saw her,
we screwed her over,
moved the Moon,
stopped
the Harmonic Convergence,
which she was gonna use
for some heist-of-the-century
type of deal.
Oh, I didn't say
that she'll help you.
I just said she's
the only one who can.
- [sighs]
- [crunching]
Pretty by-the-numbers
defensive wards.
Marina's not a by-the-numbers
kind of girl.
You guys.
- Come here.
- Uh, uh...
Kady, I just wanted
to tell you that I am so sorry
for all of the times
that I've hurt you.
Come inside for cookies?
♪
What the fuck was that?
I'm still learning
how to bake, so no judging.
Well, go ahead.
They're not poisoned.
But they might be.
- Marina, why are you...
- Nice?
Mm-hmm.
Well, this might surprise you...
[chuckles] But I made
some bad choices in the past.
And I needed to fix that,
so I went to a trance healer.
Um...
she put a block on all
the parts of my personality
that made aggressive,
but ultimately
self-destructive, choices.
This feels like a scam.
That's a weird scam.
I'm not asking you for anything.
And you came to me.
Seems like you need something?
We're looking for The Couple.
Well, this has been great,
but I actually have
to get ready for church.
But you know who they are.
I know that going after them
is the very definition
of an "Old Marina" decision.
Look, I want to help you.
I do, really.
If it was anything else...
But they have something we need
to stop the end of everything.
The World Seed.
The most valuable object in
the multiverse, people say...
which is why I wanted
to steal it...
until you stopped
the Harmonic Convergence.
Wait, that was
your heist of the century?
- Wait.
So you could help us steal it.
No. No, no, no.
I-I don't do things
like that anymore.
Stealing from The Couple...
people will get hurt.
Way more people will get hurt
if you don't help us.
Alice, friends don't
make friends grapple
with the Trolley Problem.
- They cut off my fingers.
There's no gray area here.
♪
They're hiding the seed
inside a hotel called The Nave.
I've been there.
They only let in Magicians.
Everything about it is secret.
It has a vault.
It's the most secure place
on the planet.
But you had a plan to break in.
I had partners.
We spent months
constructing a map
of every inch of that hotel
and its defenses.
We called it our heist book.
Problem is,
things got really crazy,
and I don't actually know
where the book ended up.
[sighs]
♪
But I know someone who might.
Hey, buddy. Been a minute.
Need some ice chips
or something?
Oh, Christ, no. Go away.
Is that Gavin from the Library?
He doesn't...
I don't work for
the sodding library anymore.
- Yeah.
- What happened to you?
She didn't tell you?
Marina hired me
and a few other poor bastards
to rob The Couple.
She didn't tell us that
the plan was suicidal
without
the Harmonic Convergence.
Marina sent us in anyway.
One guy was killed,
horribly, I might add.
I was lucky. [Chuckles]
But now I'm stuck here,
a bag of shattered bones,
can't travel,
with fucking Daryl over there
talking my fucking ear off
all day and night.
[whispering] And so help me
God, if you wake him up,
I will kill all of your mothers.
Marina beat you to that one.
Then why are you
working with her?
Marina, maybe
you should step outside.
Mm.
We're not fans of Marina
or The Couple,
but we need the World Seed.
So, if you could just give us
the heist book, we can...
I would sooner shit my cast.
Well, it looks like that's
gonna happen either way,
so why not help us?
Because that would mean
helping Marina.
And if you think
I'm gonna do that,
then you have few 'roos loose
in the top paddock, love.
So either find a way to scratch
my ass or get the hell out.
That's why you did the spell
to make yourself good.
Because you sent them
on a suicide mission.
I thought maybe
they'd get lucky.
- Well, they really didn't.
- We need that heist book.
How did you convince Gavin
to help you in the first place?
I had leverage.
Well, then use it now.
That would be deeply unethical.
[sighs]
I think I'm gonna go
get him a smoothie.
- What?
- Ugh.
If he won't help us,
we're stuck.
We can't be stuck.
We need the book.
We need Marina.
Or...
we need to be Marina.
[door opens]
Oh, God.
- Look, we understand.
You don't want to help us.
We can't make you, but we can
take down your wards.
You're a traveler.
Without mental wards,
you'll hear people's thoughts,
all day, all night,
even while they're sleeping.
If you do that
while the Moon is borked,
my head will be, too.
I recently had
several fingers amputated
and reattached.
I'd be more concerned
about that if I were you.
[chuckles]
I underestimated you, Book Tart.
You're worse than Marina.
No.
Just desperate.
[breathing heavily]
Bugger you all to hell. Stop.
The heist book.
I can't give it to you
because I don't have it.
- Who does?
- Anna.
She took it after things
went pear-shaped.
Who is Anna?
- [door opens]
- Ask her.
[door closes]
Well, now we have
a real problem.
[door opens, closes]
Is that Chinese and ice cream?
You could smell that?
- I have a new superpower.
So what'd you get?
Uh, well, I-I...
[chuckles] Didn't know what you
were craving, so everything.
Also...
The Circumstances Control Panel?
Did you steal that from the Lab?
Hyman helped.
We figured if The Couple
is gonna use the World Seed,
they need clean magic.
So, without this,
they are stuck.
Hence, hiding it here.
If it were going
to be here anyway,
I figured Lipson could come by,
do the treatments,
run some scans...
Two birds.
Right, but Lipson said
the baby was fine.
She said she needed
to do more tests.
She said it might be dangerous.
And you said you'd have my back,
and instead,
you're trapping me here?
She has to reapply the
treatments every couple hours.
I'm just looking out
for you and the baby.
I mean, somebody has to.
- Oh, shit.
[laughs]
Sorry, I'll be quiet. Go on.
You can't eavesdrop
on people's shit like that.
But...
Yeah, Hyman,
you have a body now.
You really need
to understand boundaries.
- So do you.
- Julia, wait.
[door opens, closes]
Ooh. Uh-oh.
I stumbled
upon this place last time
when I was looking
for the bathroom.
This is where he keeps
all of his...
pocket worlds.
What the fuck?
I swear, this place was
full of them last time.
Well, where the shit
did they go?
Oh, "The Chankly Bore." Oh...
I grew up playing
Queen of the Hump
on hills just like this.
If it isn't the ark,
I don't give a shit.
- Okay... [claps hands]
Ghost butler?
I don't think
it works like that.
You can't just summon him.
He's not our butler.
Oh! Hi.
- Greetings.
How may I assist you?
We're looking
for a pocket world.
The master of the house
is not available.
All: We know.
And so all pocket worlds
have been removed
for security purposes.
- It's okay.
Umber sent us to get it.
He... he told us it'd be here.
Which world did he send you
to retrieve?
It's called The Ark.
Very well.
If Umber sent you on this task,
you should be able
to identify the true ark.
- But if you choose poorly...
- Ooh!
Uh, we age really fast,
and then we all turn to dust
just like in "the Last Crusade."
Indeed.
This security precaution is
inspired by my master's love
for "Indiana Jones
and the Last Crusade."
For copyright purposes,
the consequences
of an incorrect choice
has been changed
to something more explosive.
- Choose...
- Wisely.
Yeah, we get it.
All right, Fen.
You're the Fillory expert.
Have at it.
[dramatic music]
♪
Any day now.
♪
You know what?
Figure it out yourself.
♪
You need to let me
do the talking.
This is sensitive.
How did you fuck over Anna, huh?
She lose a limb or something?
Well, I definitely fucked her.
- Wait, she's your...
- Anna.
[sighs]
- Marina.
- [chuckles]
I want nothing to do with you.
- Anna, please.
It's an emergency.
[sighs]
It wasn't just one lie.
It was how one led
to another and another.
And now I don't know
if any of it was real.
Did you know that she was
from a different timeline?
'Cause I didn't.
And then you tried
to rob The Couple.
Our friend died because of you.
- I know.
I was a terrible person.
I was a greedy,
self-centered sociopath.
And when you left me,
I deserved it.
But I'm making amends now.
I've done a bunch of things
on your list.
I got the trance healing done.
But yet, here you are,
asking for the heist book.
Oh, wait, no,
that's just for us.
Or maybe this is
just another lie,
and you aren't better,
y-you aren't different at all.
- Look, trust me.
She is very different.
- I mean, she baked us cookies.
- Yeah.
Really terrible cookies.
- I don't trust you, okay?
You showed up with her.
Just give us the book,
and we'll go.
We'll never pull her into
our life of crime ever again.
Marina doesn't have
to be involved anymore.
But I do.
I'm sorry.
I literally can't lie.
This isn't simple
like robbing a bank.
You can't do it without me.
And plus, I promised
I would help you.
At least you're honest.
[dramatic music]
♪
I'm gonna take the spell
off Marina.
What?
The Healer would have used
a synaptic blocker...
Easy to remove,
even under weird circumstances.
You want to bring back
the bad Marina?
To get the book, we need her
to tell Anna that she's not
gonna help with the heist.
We need her to lie.
You're the one who said
that we should be like Marina.
This time we need
the real Marina.
[clears throat] Yeah, I think
she needs a minute.
♪
- What are you doing?
- Word-as-bond spell.
It's a magically
binding contract
that guarantees that you
will get the book for us
and, when you help us with the
heist, you won't fuck us over.
Well, you don't need that.
I mean, with the spell
I'm under,
I couldn't betray you
even if I wanted to.
Better safe than sorry.
[door opens]
[door creaks closed]
Julia? Are you here?
- What are you doing?
- Just stretching.
You're trying
to put yourself into stasis.
What the hell, man?
To be honest, I haven't
really enjoyed this episode
of my life.
What is so great
about having a body anyway?
Y-you're hungry all the time.
Everything you do
makes you sore.
You're pooping constantly.
That hasn't been my experience,
but your body's been in a bench
for a century, man.
Give it a minute.
And when dramatic things
are happening to your friends,
you can't even watch.
This is about me and Julia?
You're pissed
because you can't listen in
on everyone's
personal conversations?
- It's none of your business.
- But it is.
I put you two together.
I-I shipped you before
you even shipped yourselves.
Before, I was
a part of everything.
And now I am
a, uh, minor character
in my own story.
God.
[sighs]
♪
Well, that's...
that's the trade-off.
You don't get to spy
on people's intimate moments.
You get to live your own.
And that's supposed
to be better?
If people wanted to talk to me,
you think I would have
done this in the first place?
So spying on the showers was...
Loneliness.
And horniness.
You're never gonna make
a connection by hiding, Hyman.
You got to put yourself
out there.
Just be honest with people.
It may take a minute,
but you'll find someone
who can stand you.
Ah, are you doing that thing
where you're giving me advice
but it's just for you?
No, I'm trying to...
♪
[softly] Oh, God damn it.
I got to find Julia.
While I'm gone,
promise me you're
not gonna stasis yourself.
[sighs] Well...
Give me the locket.
♪
Talk to somebody.
Have a conversation.
♪
[door opens]
[object clatters]
[struggling]
Hello? Is someone there?
- [trash can clattering]
- [squealing]
Ah, Miss Wicker.
I have been looking for you.
[breathing heavily]
Yes, it's come to this.
[sighs]
Sir Effingham, what are you
doing with that trash can?
Some hapless fellow
left a sandwich of roast beef
in there,
and as I could not
get to market today...
Oh! Oh, my heavens.
You have embraced
the blessing of your sex.
But surely you have misplaced
your wedding band?
- You are widowed, then?
- No.
- Oh, you poor dear.
You are carrying a bastard.
Definitely talking to one.
Look, I thought you chose Todd
for this quest.
I fear he is not the intrepid
hero I once thought him to be.
You don't say.
Which is why,
in my gravest hour of need,
I have come
to vouchsafe you a quest.
Look, if this has
to do with Fillory...
For my vision of Fillory's
demise has grown clearer.
I now see those who would bring
the apocalypse to Fillory
have visited many times before.
They enter from a distant realm
through a tree.
- Like a portal tree?
- Indeed.
These fiends plan to thieve
away every soul in the land
before they destroy it outright.
Huh.
How exactly do they do that?
My vision is hazy, but I do know
that they will turn back
the clock on Fillory,
resulting in ruin.
Um...
do these fiends... do they...
Do they succeed
in stealing the people
and building a new world
for them?
That much I do
not know because...
[snorts] Wait.
I made no mention
of a new world.
- It is you.
- It's for Fillory's own good.
The dead will rise.
This is the only way
that we can save everyone.
Oh, hogwash!
What dark forces have
corrupted your fair mind?
You have.
We wouldn't be on this quest
if you hadn't told me about it
in the first place.
Are you now blaming me
for your own villainy?
Oh, the ways of the sow
are nastier
than I thought possible.
But... but know this.
The death of Fillory
cannot come without a cost.
What do you mean?
Those who would destroy her
will lose the ones they love.
[dramatic music]
♪
So we're sorry for treating you
like the friend who only
gets invited to trivia night.
You know I don't know
what that means.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Will you please help us
choose a globe?
Margo is chomping at the bit,
and Josh is holding her off
for as long as he can.
I thought I could talk myself
into this.
But I just keep thinking,
if this was Earth,
you would try a lot harder
to find some other way.
Yeah, probably.
So maybe it's my job
to represent Fillory.
But not just the people,
the place...
the history,
the things we can't take
with us.
You want my permission
to destroy it.
I can't give that to you.
Well, if you have any
other ideas, we are all ears.
- Do you?
- No.
♪
Was that supposed to do that?
Fillorians write down their
prayers to Umber and burn them.
This must be where they show up.
So they still pray to him
even though he's dead?
I know what you're thinking.
It's just like
the people of Fillory
to do something so stupid.
No. I was thinking...
it's taken me a really
long time to, uh, figure out
that you can still love
something even after it's gone.
Even if you helped kill it?
[sighs]
Okay, Fen.
It's time
for a "come to Umber" talk.
You don't want to be a sidekick?
You want to have a say?
This is what that feels like.
I'm not asking
for your permission.
Some part of Fillory has to die,
and you're the one
who has to choose.
Is it gonna be
the rocks and the dirt?
Or is it gonna be the people
and the traditions
and all of the things
that you can take with you?
- I got it!
[explosion]
Oh, no.
Aw, shit. I don't got it.
Oh!
Aah!
[explosions continue]
♪
Oh.
Oh! Oh!
It... it didn't explode.
I-I did it.
I chose wisely. I'm wise.
All the people of Fillory...
are going to fit
into a seahorse?
Mm-hmm.
How do you know
that was the one?
Because that's
how Ember and Umber
first brought people to Fillory.
They chartered
the Great Seahorse
to carry us in his pouch.
Ah.
- What?
How did people get to Earth?
- Uh, the same.
- Well...
- The same.
- Mm-hmm.
And I promise
I won't have anything to do
with robbing The Couple.
If you give the book
to Kady and Alice,
I'll never see it again.
Watching evil Marina
pretend to be good is...
I feel like shit.
- [sighs]
Yeah, I feel like shit, too.
- Here.
I'm glad to be rid of it.
- Is that...
- The heist book?
I know
It doesn't look like much.
Thank you. You guys...
We have a lot of work
to do... on us.
But we're gonna try
now that I'm better.
[chuckles]
Good.
Okay, so I guess
we're done here.
And we won't bother you anymore.
Yeah.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Hey.
I've been looking for you.
I saw the Pig Man again.
Turns out,
you know that apocalypse
I've been trying to stop?
We cause it.
If the prophecy says
that Fillory is destroyed,
that means we succeed, right?
I mean...
good news?
Yeah. Good news.
Look, about earlier,
I need to tell you...
- Look, I know.
I was irresponsible.
Look, I should just
accept the fact
that any control I had
over my life is now gone
and I am a walking incubator.
Julia...
It's just terrifying, you know?
What if Lipson does the test
and it's bad news?
You know, right now
everything is good.
And the thought of losing
any of that is just...
Julia, it's not the baby
I'm freaking out about.
Look, I told you
about how my dad left,
but what I didn't tell you...
what I haven't told anyone is...
around that time, my mom...
started having episodes.
Getting disoriented,
hearing shit that wasn't there.
Um...
the doctors thought
it was just stress
from my dad bailing on us, but...
You think it's because of you.
♪
What's happening to you...
looks just like
what happened to my mom.
And the episodes didn't stop
when I was born.
They got worse.
♪
When she burned down
our apartment,
it was the first time
I got thrown into foster care.
She'd fight to get me back,
and then she'd get sick again.
Eventually the state
took me in for good.
And I was scared, but...
I was more scared of my mom.
I fucked her up for life.
♪
I'm so sorry.
I don't want what happened
to her to happen to you.
Okay. I get it.
I'll do it...
the scans, the treatments.
But you have to know it won't be
like what happened to your mom.
We know about magic.
We have ways to deal with it.
And I won't put you in a cage.
♪
What the hell, man?
I tried to talk to him,
and he punched me in the face.
Who?
No. Mm-mm.
- I warned you not to cross me.
- How the hell did you get out?
Let this be my last lesson
to you as dean.
Don't make too many enemies.
They might find each other.
The Couple.
♪
Oh, I can't let you take
that panel out of here.
This is some
"fate of the world" shit.
Not my world, not my problem.
Then I guess I'm your problem.
[door closes]
Dean Fogg? What's going on?
Ha!
This just got
very, very interesting.
Are you stupid enough
to try and stop me?
♪
[chuckles]
♪
[door opens, closes]
What just happened?
The Couple just got
the last thing they need.
They have the Seed,
the page, and the Panel.
We got to tell the others.
They need to steal
that Seed now.