The Magicians (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Do Something Crazy - full transcript

Penny and Julia go stargazing; Eliot and Margo forget a sandwich.

on "The Magicians"...

You didn't just
save their lives,

you changed their lives

as much as they changed yours.

You didn't want
to leave all that.

Pardon me, sir.

Fillory is still ruled

by Acting High King Fen, right?

- The Dark King reins.
- Glory to his rule.

High King Fen
and Josh the Fresh Prince

were overthrown 300 years ago.

We need you to go find
someone and do your very best

to convince them
to come and help us.

Alice Quinn.

Get a bloodworm and cast,
you boil alive.

Reed's Mark would prevent them
from triggering the parasite.

And once this Serpent group
have been dealt with,

the mark is removed
free of charge.

The one that I'm the most
worried about is Julie.

Thank you for deciding
that I'll never

get to do magic again.

She's been in a weird place.

And magic comes from pain.


- Did you... did you just see that?
- Yeah.

So... what are you
gonna do with it?

(SIGHS) Okay.


♪ I had a dream, I had a dream ♪

♪ That I was your neighbor

♪ About to give birth and then ♪

Julia, you, uh, ready?

Wow. Wow. You look...

- Overdressed.
- Great.

I thought you said
this was a date.

I said I was taking you out
and to dress appropriately.

That means dress up.

You totally told me to dress up.

I should've been more specific.


Glad to hear
you accept the blame.

Only problem is, we got to
go now or we're gonna miss it.

Where's your coat?

But it's 75 degrees out.

Not where we're going.



Do you consent to be traveled?

I consent to be...


Where are we?

- Other side of the planet.
- Look.

So my friend Seth is an artist,

but there hasn't been
enough magic for him

to work with meteors until now.


It's incredible.


See, there are a lot of ways
to use magic

to make the world
a better place.

Wait, what?

Is that why you brought me here?

No, that's not really the...

I mean, you've been working so
hard to try to figure this out.

I told you. It's my business.

And I'm just trying to help.

You know, to brainstorm.

I need to choose that.

You understand
what that means, right?


You feel that?

It's another surge?


- Shit.

Uh, Penny.


How does making
pretty patterns in the sky

help the world when this
type of a thing can happen?

No one knows when
a magic surge is coming.

So what, we shouldn't try
and make things nicer?

The surges are getting worse.

I'm just saying this
is the type of thing

I should be using
my magic to fix.

Julia, I-I just wanted you
to have a break for one night.

Yeah, but this
is why I'm working.

- I mean...

I only have magic
because I lost Q.

I-I just have to find something
to do with it that...

That's worth that.

Julia, there's nothing that
you will ever be able to do

that's worth losing him.

You know what kills me?

I just keep thinking, like...

"Oh, I should talk to Q.

He'd know what I should do."

And then I think, "Oh, right."

It's only been a month.

This kind of thing
takes a while.


Ah, goddamn it. Shit.

- My apologies.
- Dean Fogg?

I was waiting for
the right moment to interject

and, well, that never came.

Are you drunk?

No, and I'm sorry
about the scotch.

I was... smelling it.

You're not trying
to get me to go

to Brakebills again, are you?

Hardly, dear.

I accepted your refusal

as any gentleman should.

Truth is,
I'm actually here for Penny.


Jesus Christ,
what happened here?

Everett drank a reservoir
of magic and exploded.

It had to go somewhere.

Too much magic means
too many people with potential

are discovering their gift.

Lately, more people
have been able to pass

than we can handle.

And now look at this place.

Might as well be
a goddamn state school;

discipline problems.

Did you know someone stole the
school's supply of living clay?


Of course, thanks to the surges,

a few of them have
blown themselves up,

which isn't very good
for morale, but yes,

it helps with
the goddamn over-enrollment.

With the rise in students
has come a simultaneous rise

in some of
the rarer disciplines...

like yours.

So who better to teach them
than you?

Whoa, I... I'm no professor.

Penny, you're the only
Brakebills-educated traveler

currently alive on this planet,

which makes you far more
qualified to teach them

than anyone else I have,
including me.

Yeah, but what if one of them
gets killed because of me?

Excellent point.

This indemnifies you
against any claims,

legal or magical that
your students might make.

That doesn't
actually solve my problem.

Penny, I can assure you
that without your instruction,

one of them will absolutely
get killed.


To our pretty corpses.

Goddamn gorgeous corpses.

I'd... our corpses.

What are we doing here, Eliot?

We're despairing in style,

as befits two former
High Kings of Fillory.

On that note, it's 3:00,
when I usually ask you

if you'd like
to talk about Quentin.

And I usually respond,
"I'm fine."

With the help of some
liberally applied libations.

I would prefer to focus on
our current hopeless situation.

You know, I got to
give it to this Dark King.

All the patrols
and heightened security

have made it impossible
to get into his castle.

- We tried for a week.
- That seems like enough.

Although Dark King
is a little generic

as villain names go,
wouldn't you say?

I have notes.

Like, we get it,
you're a despot.

You're the... Dark King.

Although he is
somewhat effective.

Everyone seems terrified
of him, like the bunnies.

They did seem unusually scared.

They did.

I hope they get
our warning to 23.

You know I know we
told him not to Travel here

because of time shit,
but maybe we should just

take the Portal Tree back
to Earth and regroup?

I think it's not
safe to leave until

we figure out the time shit.

What if we go back and bam...

It's 300 years later on Earth?

If we could just figure out
a way into his castle

and find out what
happened to Josh and Fen,

we might be
in a better position.

Bambi, we're 300 years
in the future.

All signs point to not good.

Look, Josh is a... Magician.

Maybe he baked an
immortality cake or something.

Plus, it's Fillory.

Weirdness abounds.


I guess these people
didn't get the memo

they're living in a dystopia.

A fine Unshackling
to you pilgrims.

I see you've gotten a head
start on today's festivities.

- Right...
- I'm... I'm Pree.

And, uh, you two must be...

High King Margo
and High King Eliot.

Um, what?

Now, guess who I am.

Come on.

High King Fen the Toeless.

Not bad, right?

They're cosplaying as us.

Hey, so where's this big party?


You two really
have been drinking.

There's only one place

to celebrate
the Great Unshackling.

Castle Whitespire!

BOTH: Castle Whitespire.

Of course, where else?

We wanna get there before

all the good seats are gone,

so come with us. Come on.

Come on.

It can't be that easy, can it?

I guess so.


Good afternoon, Alice.

It is afternoon, you know.

You got another letter
from the Library.

You know...

they're just gonna
keep sending them

unless you respond.

I know, I already told them no.

They're just bad at listening.

Alice, you know I have no
problem with you living here,

and it is your business
if you want to let yourself go,

but right now
I need you to put on...

you know, whatever fits

and help me.

It's an emergency.

You want my help to cheat?

Not cheat, pick.

It's my ladies' garden club
perennial orchid competition,

and, well, I wanna win.

But none of them
are Magicians, right?

Yeah, but that
doesn't mean they're not

a bunch of mean old twats.

Mom, this is not an emergency.

- Yes it is.
- There's too much magic, Alice.

Everything that I touch just...

It grows like crazy.

I'll get it.

Hey, uh, can I come in?

Uh, welcome to Introductory
Psychic Translocation.

My name is Professor Adiyodi.

I see you have your
Umar, Kaminsky, Aurora...

See, I always thought
books would help, but...

The only problem is,
books make you think

you can do something
that you shouldn't.

Anyone hearing other
people's thoughts yet?

Cool, you're gonna wanna
get some psychic wards

to block that
shit out right now.

The truth?
Being a traveler is a curse.

Best case scenario?

You end up a taxi service
for your friends.

Worst case?

You dream about volcanoes,

and then you wake up in one.



are you actually
gonna teach us something

or are you just gonna
keep trying to scare us?

Look, man,

I'm trying to be real with you.

You should be scared.

I mean, have you even
actually traveled?


Okay... seriously,

get an anti-traveling tattoo

and then just go.

Enjoy your life.

'Cause it'd be
a hell of a lot longer

than if you stick around
with this shit.

End of class.


I miss him too, but

a séance?

Well, I wanted to talk to him,

and then I realized

what if I could?

You know, what if we could?

Actually talking
to the dead is wild magic.

It's way too dangerous.

Well, then what should I do?

Because I don't know, and
the person I wanna ask...

is Q.

I miss him every day too.

I honestly don't know
how to move on without him.

I just... but we have to, right?

I found it.

It was his.


His notes are
written in the margin.

What a nerd.

Can't talk to him,
but... can read it.

Picture what he was thinking.

Next best thing.



is Kady here?

Let me get this straight.

Your friend tried
to remove your Reed's Mark

with magic, and...

- Blew my arm off, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

I still can't cast, either.

Why not go to a hospital?

I don't have health insurance.

I know a spell.

Might make you vomit, though.

Like a lot?

One-armed beggars

can't be one-arm choosers.

Hold his arm in place.

Wait, wait, wait...
How much throw-up, really?


(LAUGHS) Wow, thank...



You got that look, boss.

That guy...

he was so afraid
of not having magic,

he was willing to risk

blowing his own arm off
to get it back.

That guy was an idiot.

Or maybe just desperate.

- So what?
- It's hard to be a Hedge?

It's always been hard.

We could at least
defend ourselves.

I thought with magic back,
things would get better.

The Library promised they'd
remove all of Reed's Marks,

and they haven't.

Are you surprised?

I hear the Library's
falling apart.

So I doubt that
fixing hedge witches

ranks high on their to-do list.

Well, I'm done waiting.

There's tons of magic now,

so let's figure out a way
to remove them ourselves.

If you're serious,

I heard about a guy
who might be able to help.

An Order of the Library
of the Neitherlands

medical manual should have
the ritual you're looking for.

And why should we trust you?

'Cause I don't give
a rat's tit about the Library.

Never have.

I don't even read books.

- But you worked for them.
- Not anymore.

Contracts aren't valid
once the place collapses.

Besides, I'm chaotic neutral,

so I do a lot of crazy shit...

for cash.

And since we're not
here to... spiders,

you can pay, can't you?

We can pay.

How soon can you
get us the manual?

I'm not getting it for you.

I'll just tell you
where you can find it.

A former Library book
depository no one's hit yet.

They'll have one...

and a lot more goodies, besides.

And you're not grabbing these
goodies for yourself, why?

Mate, if I knew
how to rob that place

without getting decapitated,
I'd be robbing it right now.

You have all come to hear

the story of
the Great Unshackling.

First, there was I,
Ember, God of Fillory.

Then came my boring
brother, Umber.

Together we created this world.


But I thought it would
be funny if Fillory

were ruled by Children of Earth.

I am High King Eliot,

and I am drunk all the time.

- That's original.

I am High King Margo,

and I'm angry all the time.

- I am King Quentin,

and I am dissatisfied
all the time.

I am Queen Alice,

and I died,

sort of.

It's complicated. (LAUGHTER)

The Children of Earth
came and went doing

their Children of Earth things,

like chewing loudly and texting.

One of them even killed me,

which was not funny,

but at least it was unexpected.


He neglected to mention he
was gonna destroy the world.

- True that.
- Shh!

No matter who was in charge,

Fillory remained
shackled to them,

which brings us to...

these two.

I am High King Fen the Toeless,

and I like knives.

I am Josh the Fresh Prince,

and I love to eat.

Also I have a mustache.


I guess Josh must've
gone through a mustache phase.

So they weren't paying attention

when it happened.

The Takers came into Fillory.

The borderlands became overrun.

The people fled for their lives.



- What's a Taker?
- I don't know.

No one knows where
the Takers came from,

but they were everywhere.

The people asked for help.

BOTH: But we didn't do anything.

The people prayed.

There were no more
gods in Fillory,

yet their prayers
were answered anyway.

I will save
the people of Fillory!

Who was this mysterious hero?

Oh, just a humble wizard

coming to you
out of the darkness.

the people would decide

to make this dark wizard
THEIR KING: The Dark King.

I promise to protect you
as long as I live,

and I shall live forever.

But before this could happen,

the people handed out
just desserts!

To the gallows!


Did somebody say "dessert"?


As we cast off
the shackles of our past,

I declare today will be known
hence as the Great Unshackling.

And the people of Fillory
lived happily ever after.


Margo, for God's sake,

would you just come back?

They murdered them!

They murdered
the shit out of them.

Okay, yeah, like

300 years ago, all right?

Look, maybe you didn't
have time to prepare yourself

for this, but you have to know
it didn't end well for them.

Yeah, well, it's not over yet.

We're gonna "Endgame" this shit.

When did you have time
to go see "Endgame"?

Does it matter?

All I'm saying is

we're gonna time-fix this bitch.

In the center of Fillory

is a clockwork heart
built by dwarves.

They're the ones
who taught Jane Chatwin

how to do Time Magic.

Jesus Helena Bonham Christ.

Read the books already, El.

We're gonna dial back the clock

300 years to before
all this bullshit.

Right, so I guess we just
have to somehow find our way

to the center
of the world, then?

When I was High King,

I started
excavations to reach it.

I wanted to meet
the Clock Dwarf.

Who takes care
of the clockwork heart?

Come on.

So we're actually going to slide

to the center of the world?

Oh, grow a..., will you?

Bitch, I would if I could.



So what made you
change your mind?

I need to get out
of the house, and your request

seemed the least annoying.

You promise you won't
ask me to join the Library?


I just need a phosphoromancer

for, like, an afternoon.





I have a serious case
of slide-ass.


I think I lost several pounds

to friction burn as well.

Welcome, adventurers!

Wait, you're the Clock Dwarf?

Huh, I thought you'd be smaller.

'Cause I deal with clocks?

'Cause on Earth,
"dwarf" means "small."


Is Earth really big?

So tell me, did you happen
to bring any food with you?


were we supposed to
bring you some food?

I mean, you didn't have to.

I just figured if you came
all that way from the surface,

you might have some hearty,
adventuring snacks.

Like bread and

maybe ham and cheese and lettuce

and perhaps some
assorted condiments.

Sounds like you want
a ham sandwich.

If you're offering
a ham sandwich.

I'm not.

Ah, I see.

It's just, uh...

I don't get out much on account
of the massive disruptions

in the flow of time
that happens when I do.

I get by on

cave mushrooms.

They're fine.


we were hoping you
might be able to help us.

Earth and Fillory
kind of fell out of sync.

On Earth,
barely any time has passed,

while here, it's been 300 years.

Big ol' surge of magic
skipped the gears forward.

I had to crank down on it
before it went too far.

Okay, how about you just
wind it back 300 years, then?

I can't.

These clock gears
aren't made to go backward.

I could probably jump you
forward 300 years, if you want?

Why the shit would we wanna

go another 300 years
in the future?

Well why would you wanna
go 300 years in the past?

Because all our friends are
dead and the world is...

Oh, wow...


These mushrooms...
They also get me high,

and so I don't always
pick up on emotional cues.


You're a smart dwarf, right?


There's got to be
some way to skip back.

I mean, this whole thing

is already impossible, isn't it?


We're sorry we
didn't bring you snacks.

Oh, this isn't even
about the snacks.

If I wound the clock backward,

it would... it would just be bad.

How bad? 'Cause it's bad now.

Like apocalypse bad.

It would destroy Fillory.

So I'm sorry.

I wish I could help you.

You guys want
some cave mushrooms?

Look on the bright side, Bambi.

We just got to slide up
back to the surface,

which hurt a lot less
than on the way down.

And now we get
to hole up in a lovely villa

on the Grand Canal and sip
Bellinis until we pass out.

We can't leave Fillory.

I don't want to tell you
that things are hopeless,

but they're not
looking very good.

And I hate to see
you feeling like this.

I'm not gonna feel better.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You should feel just as upset.

Uh... I don't know.

I guess it takes
a lot to upset me.

I think you're
gloriously medicated

and in some textbook denial.

I'm managing.

- I'm fine.
- Sure, you're fine.

A monster rode you around
for months

while he murdered people,

and then one of your
closest friends died.

You know, I don't remember
anything from in there.

As if that
changes a goddamn thing.

Quentin died, and it hurts.

And I don't really
want to talk about it.

Everything I have to say,
you already know, so...


Well, if it were me,

I'd be driving a...
Semi down fury oad.

Yeah, well, feelings are gauche

and I'm sparing you mine and I
thought you would be grateful.

I don't care what you're like
out there, but with me?

I thought you'd at
least try to be real.


Don't "Bambi" me.

If you're gonna be this stupid,

I need some time
alone to calm down.

Hey, banished scum!

What happened here?

Been a rough couple of weeks.

Everyone's abandoned us.

We've lost most of the branches.

Can't even reach our people
in the underworld.

Where's Zelda?

Oh, God, who knows?

She's a mess.

Look, no bullshit,

after you refused to help her
for, like, the 15th time,

I think it broke her brain.

She said she can't be trusted
to lead and ran off.

Then who's leading the Library?

Well, not me, that's for sure.

I'm just doing my job.

That's a Library
Branch Index, isn't it?

- You know about these?
- I've heard a couple things.

Okay, well it shows you
the location of every volume

and how to access it.

So what's the problem, then?

The phosphoromancer
who did this...

is dead.
I need you to unlock it.

If you're gonna watch,
I'll need a drink.

Yeah, I could use one myself.


I think there's
a bit of confusion

about the nature of your job.

You told me they'd get killed
if I didn't talk to them,

so I told them
how not to get killed.

Well, how very
thoughtful of you.

Look, man,
I was doing you a solid,

but I don't think I'm your guy.

This is the time, as a dean,
where I usually dig deep

to find a funny or sad
anecdote to win you back.

But since I've stopped drinking,

those no longer come easy.

You stopped drinking?


I've lost the taste for it,

I'm afraid.

Maybe it's what
happened to Quentin.

Maybe it's just my liver.

Either way,
I'm a bit raw at the moment,

so you will
forgive my bluntness.

You signed a contract.

I thought that was,
like, to protect me?

I lied.

It was an employment contract,

which forbids you from quitting.

I've never met a Penny
who read the fine print.

So what if I break it?

Well, I will sue you
into oblivion.

Could you fight it? Yes.

Would you win? No.

Could you run?

Well, yes, of course.

You're a traveler.

But I doubt
a world exists where you could

hide from our lawyers.

I will see you
at school, Professor.

Not that there's anything
wrong with masturbation.

There's a tradition
of librarians masturbating...

It goes back centuries.

But just the way he did it
was creepy.


God damn. I need to pee.


Holy shit.


(SPITS) Apologies, my good lady,

for the intrusion
into your maison.

And for startling you.

And for raiding your

magical winter box
of comestibles.

It has been a long
and arduous journey...


Who are you?

I am Sir Hargreave
Mcgrubney Cubbins

Archibald Brian Effingham III,

but you can call me
Sir Effingham.

Are you from Fillory?

Why, yes I am.

Well deduced.

You are a credit to your sex.


We've passed that.

What brings you here to Earth?

I am here on a mission
of dreadful import.

It is not an exaggeration
to say that the very fate

of both of our worlds
lies in the balance.

You're here to bestow a quest.

I am here to bestow a quest.

You know, this timing is perfect

because honestly,

I've been feeling
a little lost lately

and I've been looking
for something to do

with my magic
to make a difference.

You know, searching for a sign.

And here you are.

Here I am.

So tell me, how can I help you?

You can help me find
Quentin Coldwater.


Um... no, that's not...

Perhaps you have
been beset by hysteria?

Is your corset too tight?

It can cause the womb to wander.

I've seen it happen.

Um, no, you...

You can't talk to Quentin

because he...

He's dead.

He died.

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.


I do believe I'm having
the hog sweats.


Are you all right?

No, my dear lady,
I do not believe that I am.

You see, this matter
that brings me here

it... it is somewhat
apocalyptic in nature.


Oh, I find that I do
not feel at all well.

Perhaps you could
pour me a draft

of medicinal cocaine?

Oh, yeah,
that's not a thing we use...

Do you not have modern
medicine in this

gods-forsaken world?

Oh, this is truly the end times.

Well, maybe I could
help you to save the world.


Yes, very good.

Oh, you're serious.

No, no, no, you see,

I'm afraid that that would be,

uh, far too difficult for...

For someone like you to handle.

You know,
I have saved the world before.

I was an actual Goddess.

And you are still
quite fetching,

albeit unmarried.

Look, the nature of the quest

that I must deliver, well, it...

It requires
a certain kind of hero.

And what kind
of hero would that be?

- Well, that is to say, uh...

To use the common tongue,

a... a... hero with a...

pork loin?

So the apocalypse
is happening or whatever,

and this little piggy
comes all this way,

but you won't accept my help

because I'm a woman?

Quite right.

Well, I have
a long journey ahead of me.

This has been
a dreadful setback,

but I'm sure that
a hero will rise

and he will save us.

Madam, I have heard
from many trusted sources

that hysteria such as yours
can be cured,


through pelvic massage.

I must go.

Look familiar?

This building, our target?

It's missing.

Maybe it's some kind
of optical displacement spell?

Like the building's hidden?

Come on.

Hey, man, can you tell me,

did there used to be
a building here?

- I don't think so.
- Are you sure?

I mean, I've only worked
in this park

for, like, eight years,

but yeah,
maybe I'm wrong about it.

Well, guy says there
was never a building here,

so looks like
Gavin ripped us off.

He didn't rip us off.

There was a building.

I can still see
the residue from the wards.

So what happened to it?

I think someone stole it.

Then mind-wiped
everyone in the area.


Do you know what kind of
skills it would take

to steal
a building with Level 5 wards?

That's, like,
Gandalf-level skills.

That's like... wait.

Gandalf was a wizard, right?

Pete, just... shit.

I think we might have
some competition.

So the apocalypse is coming

but don't worry your
pretty little head about it?

What are we gonna do?

It's not like he's
the first guy to tell me

I'm not good enough.

Right, and how screwed
is the universe that it doesn't

even realize Quentin's dead
and plan around it?

- Truth?
- I don't think the universe

is really looking
out for anyone.

Try saying that
to your students.

I think I've already told
them all the depressing things.

Can't believe I have to go back.

What the... am I
gonna say to them?

Well... what would you say

if you could say
anything you wanted?

'Cause you can.

Well, what would
you say to the pig?


I'd say...

Hey, Porky.

If I wait for you
to tell me to be the hero,

then I'm just buying
into your bullshit.

In real life you
don't get chosen.

You choose your quest.

And I'm choosing mine.


You know, I got magic back
because Quentin died.

And I think I know what
I'm gonna do with it.

I'm gonna figure out
what's causing the apocalypse

and I'm gonna stop it.

When I got to Brakebills,

I thought I'd die
before I turned 30.

That's all anyone ever told me:

Travelers die.

And bad shit has happened to me,

but not to you,

not yet, anyway.

You still get a choice
about your path.

And since I already
talked about the bad side,

I should probably
show you the good side too.

Anyone who wants
to see that, come here.

Cool, you brought us to...



Look up.

A few years ago, I was running

from some bad shit
and I found this place.

It's not on any map.

You guys can breathe.


- There's no one here, just us.
- Oh, my God.

When you master your powers,

you can wake up anywhere,
in any world.

If you want to still do this,
I'll help you.

Just think about it.

For now, I am gonna shut up

and let you enjoy this place.



Professor Adiyodi?

Merritt, right?

Yeah... I had a question.

You said you heard voices
from other worlds.

Are you hearing something?

It's not a voice;
It's more like, um...

A signal?

Okay, um...

uh, sit down.

I'm gonna take down
my wards so you can show me.

You just, uh...
close your eyes, okay?




Professor! What happened?

I don't... I don't...

I couldn't control myself.

Did the signal make you do that?



Anybody there?

Just great.

What are you
gonna do now, Margo?


It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

Who am I kidding?

They're gonna chop
my goddamn head off.





Of course, I got trapped in here

with a ghost loop
version of him.


wherever you are,

I hope you're okay.

I wish you were here.

I wish I wasn't gonna die alone.


Why are you smoking?

I don't know.

Quentin did sometimes.

Can I have one?

You know, you're
the only person in the world

who can smoke judgmentally.

I know what
you're going through.

When your father died,
I was a wreck.

I didn't know what to do.

I wasn't ready to be alone.

I didn't even know
how to be alone.

I did some pretty insane
things just to get by.

Insane even for me,

but I'll spare you the details.

Doesn't sound like you.

Well, I could
tell you if you prefer.

What's your point, Mom?

That everything's just
gonna get better, eventually?

No one gets to tell
you how to grieve, Alice.

You're on this
journey by yourself.

Only you know where
it's gonna take you.

If you need to do something
crazy to get through it...

Do something crazy, okay?