The Magicians (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Bad News Bear - full transcript

Previously on "The Magicians"...

Are you Santa Claus?

Oh, I'm not... not that.

Magic's gone.

I'm not a magician, but I
could feel it when it was gone,

and I knew it wasn't
a coincidence

when I went into remission
a week later.

What timeline are you from?

The one where you
owe me child support.

I'm kidding.

Kay, then if you want me to help

these students, can
you tell me who they are?

Their lives were
in grave danger.

I cast a spell that

erased their identities
and gave them new ones.

I mean, isn't there anything
you can do?

If I reveal that the spell
can be reversed,

then someone would reverse
the spell.

what are you doing here?

Why do you want everyone
thinking you're Ember?

Thanks for popping in.

Oh, my God.

Mis hermanos.

- Where were you?
- We... we looked everywhere...

- Stay back.
- Why?

Because I'm not here to play.


Why do you look like
you're fleeing something?

It's me, Margo,
previously known as Janet.

Look, I'm gonna do you a solid.

- Don't go up there.
- Why?

Because there's an uninvited
guest in my apartment

who's probably killing
your friends right about now.

Look, I don't know what he is,
and I'm assuming it's a "he"

because this is some
toxically masculine behavior,

but he walked through
every ward and shield I had,

set off every alarm.

So instead of going inside,

I'm gonna get
a breakfast burrito.

You wanna join?

We have to help them.

Oh, you're one of those.

Fine, you wanna
stick your neck out?

There's something inside
that can help you.

Do tell.

No traveling.

Where to start?

Order is important
with these things.

Who goes first?
Who goes last?

Oh, you keep looking at him...

Because you don't
want him to die?

Which means
he has to go before you.

You care about all of them.

So you're last.

Thank Christ.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Not... Eliot.

This thing has god-level power,

and I have a bad history
with gods,

since apparently one killed me.

No, it's fine.

Different me, but I didn't want

to get caught off guard again,

so I called in every favor I had

to build a defense system.

All you have to do is get him
to sit in the gold chair.

Why the gold chair?

Because it had to be something,

and everybody wants to sit
in the gold chair.

It's total power move.

I'm so glad you came.

Saves me
having to hunt you down.

I've got so much of that
ahead of me already.

What is he talking about?

He's, uh, hunting gods.

It's vengeance
for locking you in the castle.

They did more than that,

and so did you.

You tried to kill me.

You were all part of it.

Then what?

There's a bell on the table.

Ring it.

And he explodes?

He gets a face full
of distilled ambrosia.

It's basically meth for gods.

Its gets them high,
but an overdose

will knock them on their asses.

Tell me Eliot
is still in there somewhere.

Not that I've seen.

Your round, innocent face

will make your death
particularly upsetting,

so I've decided
to start with you.

I can give you Bacchus.

You're hunting gods,

and I found him hiding
someplace far away.

Hiding from you, right?

I can take you there...

if you let them live.

All of them.

Perhaps we can be friends
after all.

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne
== ==

So where is everyone else?

I don't know.

They were supposed
to remain hidden.

I meant to protect you.

Doesn't really seem
like I need protection.

I mean, nothing
your spell threw at me

even left a scratch.

Reynard did say,
even without their powers,

gods are hard to kill.

I wouldn't underestimate
the will of Irene McAllister.


Tell a few people
that you're leaving forever,

and look what
the ungrateful bastards do.


You know, if the deal is broken

and the McAllisters are coming,

I'm gonna have to warn everyone.

Contacting your friends will
put a target on their backs.

To be clear,

you put the target on our backs.

You betrayed us.


I sacrificed everything
to bring back magic.

You know what I sacrificed,

and look what you do with it.

Yes, Ms. Wicker,

I made a deal
with the goddamn Library,

and in doing so,
I saved your lives.

Yeah, well, you're pretty
fucking quick to compromise,

you know that?

Now, I need to find my friends,
but I can't do magic,

so you're going to cast
the locator spell for me.

Dean Fogg. Finally.

I only have a moment.

You know how the Library

contains the books of everyone
who ever lived?


The Great Blank Spot is over.

The Library can update
their books again.

So, if your friends were to get
their memories back,

the Library would know.

They'd try to find them

to keep them safe

from the monster
that you warned us about.

You're telling me they have
books that describe

every damn thing everyone does
or ever will do,

when you're sleeping,
when you're awake,

naughty or nice?

You know how much time
that would have saved me?

Can we please not
with the Santa stuff right now?

Well, could you please not
with the angsty, nerdy stuff?

No, 'cause that's who you are,

and I don't judge you for it.

Dean Fogg was trying
to give me a message.

Look, if we escape,
they'll just read our books,

find out where we are,
and come after us.

So we just take the books
with us,

or, uh... or destroy 'em.

But first we have
to actually escape.

I can get us to the fireplace.

Just be ready.

All I'm offering is a location.

The rest is on you.

Knowing where Bacchus is

doesn't help me if he runs away,

which he'll do
the second I show up.

You see my problem,

and how maybe it is just
easier to kill you all.

Do you know what this is?

Where did you get that?

I didn't,

but I know that enough of it
will mess up a god long enough

for you to do
whatever you need to do.

Excuse me, Margo?

Quick talk?

Could you stop volunteering?

I know Bacchus.
He's a friend.


Then you'll poison him.

He'll never suspect a friend.

I could always kill you.


Great choices.

Well, let's get going, then.

Guys, in case it even
needs to be said,

I know Marina.

She is not a helpful person.

So just act accordingly.

Of course I'm getting paid.

The McAllisters
have a bounty on your heads,

dead or alive.

The real yous,

not the witness-protection

So you can see how
it'd be profitable for me

to get you back to normal.

What are they offering?

- Three Deweys.
- What the hell's a Dewey?

As in Melvil Dewey,

the most famous librarian
of all time.

He has his own decimal system.

Well, I think
you're being generous

with the word "famous."

Okay, so in the new world order,

there's just enough
magic in the air

to keep the boring masses
fat and happy,

but you got an itch
to do something bigger,

you have to file a request
with the Library.

They decide if you're
trustworthy, and they give you

a cute little battery
in the shape of a coin.

They put the faces of famous
librarians on there,

but Dewey's the only one
people can remember.

Well, and Laura Bush,
but Bushes just never stuck.

All right, well,
we'll pay the bounty ourselves.

How are you gonna get Dewey's?

- I don't know.
- We'll figure it out.

- We always...
- Sometimes.

Most of the time we do.

Five Deweys
to make it worth the delay,

and know that I have trackers
on all of you,

so if you try to run,
it won't go your way.

Don't drink all my beer.

Seems like this is the place.

It is.

Those are maenads,
Bacchus followers.

Get to it, then.

Oh, and if they have pizza,
bring me some.

We can still find a way out.

- We already did.
- This is it.

We're doing it right now.

You had a weapon that
could have stopped him,

and instead of using it,
you gave it to him.

We tried that already

with Julia's god-killing bullet.

All it did was kill
the monster's host,

which in this case is Eliot.

Who, for all we know, is dead.

Or he's trapped in there,

forced to watch everything
the monster does,

just waiting for us
to find a way to help him.

What are you gonna
slip the ambrosia into?

I guess I'll make a Fillorian
version of his favorite drink.

Margarita, but instead of
salt on the rim, it will be...

God meth. Perfect.

Now go poison his ass so we can
get out of this malarial swamp.

You know what's incredible?

How you can be
such a good friend

and such a terrible friend
at the exact same time.

There's not a lot

that I can relate to
in this world.

People here are...

well, people, generally,

and me, not so much.

But I relate to you.

I hate being alone.

I don't like being left
with my own thoughts,

such as they are.

I need friends.

One way of making friends

is not murdering
everyone you meet.

Yes, you get my dilemma,

but you're like me.

Josh said so.

A bad friend and a good friend
at the same time.

How do you do it?

I have no choice.

You were friends with Eliot.

Very best friends.

Now you can be friends with me.

It'll be the same.

You can show me
how to be more like him.


I love Eliot.

I would do anything for him,
even help you,

but you and I,
we won't ever be friends...

Unless you let me talk to him.

Prove he's still alive in there.

I can't do that.

But you could let him go.

You could choose a new body.

But I like this one.

I like the way
people look at me,

and you and your friends

care so deeply
about what happens to it.

Why would I ever leave it?


I'm here to see Bacchus.

Um, yeah... I don't know
what you're talking about.

Um, it's... it's Ember, s...

"Bacchanal" is the word
you're looking for.

Cut the crap, Shoshana.

It's me, Josh,
from the Bedsty party.

- Come on.
- Oh, I...

I didn't think
you'd remember me.

Well, it's actually... you know,

it's really good
that you're here,

'cause he's been darker
the last few weeks.

I think a friendly face
could really help.


Hey, Q?

- Oh, my...
- Oh, my God.


Where have you been?
We couldn't find you.

"Enrolled at Brakebills,"
she said,

fully aware of the irony.

I just, um...

I don't know where to start.

Have you heard
anything about Alice?


No, I mean, not since
she completely

screwed us over
at Blackspire, why?

Where is everyone else?

If the Library's
going to arrest us on sight,

how do we get one of these
coins, much less five?

I asked around,
so there might be another way.

The Library's official story
is that the McAllister family

heroically turned magic back on.

So they gave them a free pass
to as many coins as they want.

They give them
these special cards

with no limits,
no questions asked.

Only a few of them exist,
and Hedges

are calling them Black Cards.

We could steal one.

If you steal a credit card,

it only works until
it's reported stolen.

With something this valuable,

it's gonna happen
pretty damn quick.

Forgery, maybe?

Good enough to fool the Library?

I used to know a guy,
a master counterfeiter.

The Beast killed him, but...

But that was in your timeline.

I did know Franky
since before Brakebills,

so hopefully your Penny did too.

And hopefully
he has the same number.

Damn it.

I still have the DJ's phone.

Well, the good news
is your Penny

has the same password as me,

so I'm downloading
his contacts right now.

- Ugh.
- So many Insta notifications.

- Okay, I got his number.
- I'll try him.

I can't log in.

It wants to send a text message

to my old phone to confirm,

but if I had my old phone,

why the hell
would I be doing this?

Have you talked
to your dad lately?

I called him from Brian's phone,

but nobody picked up.

Nobody answers their phone

when they don't recognize
the number, right?

You're probably right.

Guys, he picked up.

Oh, I don't think
you can park there.

Yeah, I don't think he cares.

Shit just always seems
to work out for Franky.

Another timeline?

That's wild.

- I thought you were dead.
- Likewise.

So the Franky I knew
was a counterfeiter.

So am I, but for most jobs,

my skills are overkill.

Duping objects to fool
regular dopes is simple.

99% of the art you see
in museums is fake,

because why waste the real thing

on people who can't tell
the difference anyway?

Fooling Magicians, though,

that's where the special sauce
comes in.

So what's the MacGuffin?

A Library Black Card.

That's gonna take
a lot of sauce.

You know what?
Let me get that.

That's probably for me.

- Congratulations...
- Not now, guys.

You know what?

Actually, I'm gonna grab...

Thank you. Thanks.

Have a good one.

Are you gonna explain that,

- Are they even your size?
- They're always my size.

Anyway, uh, Library Black Card.

That's tricky, but I can do it.

Yeah, what'll it cost us?

Whatever you're withdrawing
from the Library,

double it.

Ten Dewey coins?

That's like "raise an army
of the dead" level magic.

- That is a big ask.
- Yeah.

If my forgery works,
it won't matter.

Now, I'm gonna need some stuff.

I'm gonna need at least two
minutes with a real Black Card

to use as a mold,
two Philly cheesesteaks,

four liters of cherry soda,
not store brand...

- That's a deal breaker.
- I know. I know.

And at least a third
of a Dewey coin

to get us started.

You need a battery
to get more batteries?

- Yeah.
- Call it, uh, seed magic.

- Oh, uh...
- we can't exactly

walk into the Library
and just ask for one.

Well, there's a game of Push
happening tonight.

What's Push?

It's a card game.

High rollers play for Deweys,

but you can buy in for less.

Any of you good at cards?

A Magic card game is hard
under normal circumstances,

but right now the Library's
only putting out enough magic

for small-scale spells.

I mean, one big transformation,

and I'm gonna black out
the entire room.

Yeah, it's about efficiency.

Some Magicians are semi trucks,

guzzling magic
to do a simple spell.

Some of us are Priuses.

What are you?

A sensible, mid-sized...

What was the one that would
always explode?

Yeah, that.

Hey, can we back him up?

No, no, not... not me.

I can't even make a spark.

- I'm... well, I'm...
- kind of persona non grata

at Push games
in this city, so...

I just don't want to.

It's a one-on-one game, anyway,

so no backup.

But, uh, good luck.

What do you have to wager?

It's a protection amulet.

It's sort of all-purpose.

It's not good enough.

If you can't buy in,
make room for somebody who can.

- Uh, wait.
- Um, he's a Traveler.

I'll wager his exclusive
services for 48 hours.

- A year.
- A month

- Whoa, hold on.
- I won't lose.

But you're a loser.

- A month.
- No questions asked.

Welcome to the game.

Kay, the rules of Push
are simple.

It's like the game War.

Two players.

Each draws a card.

High card wins the hand.

When the deck is gone,
the game's over.

But the real art of the game
is knowing how to cheat.

See, a... a shuffled deck of cards

is not a fixed thing.

It's a cloud of possibilities...

And you can change the odds
if you know how.

Put the right card
into your hand,

or the wrong card
into your opponents.

Wait, what is that?

Rules of Poker.

You'll have to beat
three opponents

to win the whole thing.

Shall we?

The more probability spells
that you throw around,

the more improbable
things can get.

Be careful of those.

They killed Bobby Darin.

The final round is when
you play for the Dewey.

Breaking a tie is complicated.

Get the hats.

You throw cards into a hat,

and whichever you sink,
you score like a poker hand.

Straight flush.

I'm just saying,
what if he loses?

I'm a Traveler.

I'll grab the coin
and blip away.

Yeah, and then the people
you just robbed

hunt you down and torture you.

So why don't we save that
for plan B?

Listen, if you lose
this last hand,

it's over.

I think we need

to be ready for plan B.

What is the point
of this display?

You've used up all
the ambient magic in the room.

I guess we'll just
have to play an honest game.

- Got it.
- Perfect.

Now the easy part.

Borrow a Black Card
to use as a template.

- Anything?
- No.

Why are we going along
with this?

Marina killed my mother.

That was a different Marina.

How different?

Are we just gonna
hand her a nuclear bomb?

What's the alternative?

We use it against her.

Where does that end?

I'm... I came here to get away
from that kind of shit.

You know,
I'm getting really sick

of being the voice
in the back of the room

that everyone ignores.

The other me, Sam,

did whatever
she thought was right,

regardless of what
anybody else thought.

I get it...

because where I came from,
everyone I cared about is dead.

No other voice
to listen to but mine.

But maybe Sam didn't care
what anyone else thought

because she was alone.

You aren't.


I got something here.

There's huge energy
coming off her purse.

It's gotta be the Black Card
in there.


Oh, excuse me, I'm...

I'm... I'm sorry.

Do I know you from somewhere?

I mean, I dabbled in acting.

What have I seen you in?

Let's just say some
provocative films of the 1970s.


All finished.

- Great.
- Let's go.

Uh, there is one little thing.

That special sauce
I was talking about before.

Most forgers use
complicated illusion work.

That's not quite my thing.

Did a bird just bring you
a sandwich?

Yeah, I guess she did.

You want it?

Well, I mean, yeah, but...

But what the fuck, Franky?

This is what I'm talking about.

Luck is my discipline.

The forgeries I make
give whoever's holding them

insanely good luck.

So nobody even bothers to check

if the thing is fake.

I've done the spellwork
so many times,

I'm just sort of encrusted
with it.

Luck is zero-sum,
so all that bad luck

has got to go somewhere.

It goes into a bear?

Somebody, not me,
has to hold that

while the others bring
the Black Card to the Library.

And whoever's holding it
is gonna have a bad day.

- I'll do it.
- No, Jules.

- You don't have to. He...
- It's... it's okay.

It's hard to explain,
but I'm kind of bulletproof.

If anybody should have
terrible luck,

it should be me.

Why are you bulletproof?

That's none of your business.

Pick it up.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
something's wrong.

Uh, whatever
"none of my business" shit

is going on with you,
it's interfering

with the fortune spell,
so set it down.

- Set it down!
- All right.


Looks like you just volunteered.

- You awake?
- Nope.

It's time.

Anti-magic paint
on a magic lock.

Wish I had thought of that
before those

book-sniffing bastards
ruined Christmas.


Which way now?

- I don't know.
- Something isn't right.

This should continue straight.

Well, you made this map

by mind-controlling a cockroach.

Shouldn't we trust our eyes

rather than some
shit-eating bug?

No, I think it's an illusion.

There's spellwork on this wall.

Or it's a wall.

- This is it.
- The books of everyone.

You look for yours, and I'll
go look for my friends'.

I gotta tell you,
it is such a relief

to take off that Ember disguise.

So what have I been missing
down on Earth?

It must be bad.

Your chakras are all fucked up.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, we got magic turned back on.


And, you know,

one of our friends
just betrayed us...

Which is crazy, right?

Like, who would do that?

- Yeah.
- I got mind wiped.

Yeah, I was living

as this other dude
named Isaac for months.

Um... that is exactly

kind of close to my situation.

So I'm being hunted
by this douchebag monster,

and, like, I need a place
to crash, right?

That's when I remember

that squirrely little
human friend of yours

said that he killed Ember,

and I'm like, "I could
take that guy's place."

Live to fuck another day,
you know?

It's kind of nice, you know?

Freeing to... to live as
someone else for a little bit.

Yeah, I guess.

You know,
a famous cocksman once told me,

"Once you've had quantity,

the only thing left
is strange."

And, boy, is this place
full of strange.

I mean, Isaac's life was great.

Lot of friends,
big, uh... family.

But eventually, it...
It all ends,

and your old life,

your old problems,

they catch up to you.

Or your problems never find you

and the party goes on forever.

Oh, look at that, I'm dry.

Is that... did you make for me?

- Yes.
- Josh special?

- Uh, yes.
- I... I made it for you.

You and me, Joshy,
we're the same.

We're born to be
the perfect hosts.

We want everyone around us
to have a good time.

We make sure of it.

Nobody does the same for us.


This is to Josh, not to Isaac.

This is to the real you.

I'm sorry.

I... I pee-peed in it,

and you don't...
You don't drink that.


This the dumbest plan.

Franky says the disguises
won't matter.

If the Black Card works,
nobody will question them.

I feel like an idiot.

Excuse me, sir.

You have a fresh look.

Have you considered modeling?

Kay, it's just soup.

Can't choke.
It's not scalding.

It's totally safe.

- Oh, look at that line.
- This is gonna take forever.

I've been thinking,
while we're here,

we should get a bit extra.

Five for Marina,
five for Franky, ten for us.

We'd have to be insanely
lucky to get that much.

The more luck we get,
the more bad luck Quentin gets.

When this is over,
the McAllisters

will still be after us.

We'll need to do
some major cloaking spell.

It could kill him.

- Hey!
- There's a truck outside

giving out free ice cream!

I mean,
two extra coins can't hurt.

- It's... it's all good.
- Soup spills all the time.


Damn it.

How the hell do you get
a paper cut from a paper towel?

- Welcome.
- Hi.

So how can I help you today?

We need twelve contained
current coins.

- Here.
- No, God.

Keep it away.

Everything looks in order.

Just need to check
one little thing.


Did you hear something?

Where did it come from?

Out of the... toilet.

All right, then,
I'll send this requisition

to the home office,
and they'll return your coins.

I thought you said
your phone wasn't working.

It's a voicemail from my mom.

Do you think...


- It's got to be about my dad.
- I'm not gonna...

No, Q, the bear.



Your request has been flagged

for follow-up with a supervisor.

Wait here, please.

A requisition follow-up for you.

Christ, can it wait?


Sorry, I can't see for shit.

This bloody thing's
making me crazy.

- Do you mind?
- No.

Do... do your thing.

What do I do?

Just, please, don't listen to it

until we hear back
from Penny and Katie.

Oh, shit!

Oh, Jesus Christ,
now I've got it in backwards.

About those coins.

Listen, the truth is,

the red tape, the paperwork,

it's, in my mind,
all just a wank.

You guys gonna
blow yourselves up?

- No.
- No?


Requested... approved.

Sorry about the inconvenience.

- Thank you very much.
- You have a good day.

Jesus, shit.

- Okay, they did it.
- Drop the bear!

It really came out of the...

I don't want to talk about it.

Thank you, brother.

I had a feeling
things would work out,

because they always do.

By the way,
I'd destroy those ASAP.

They'll be out of juice soon,

but you don't want
to take any chances.

I'm on it.

You nutsacked out, didn't you?

Oh, well, "pussied out"
makes perfect sense here?

Well, if you mean that
I couldn't go through with it,

then, yes, you're right.

Josh, we don't
have a choice here.

Now, where is the rest
of the Ambrosia?

Fine, but just know that Bacchus

will never drink
anything you give him.

Oh, I'm not gonna
give it to Bacchus.

Yeah, I'm gonna
dump it in there.

Everyone'll drink it.

- Are you nuts?
- There are over 100 people here.

You have no idea
what that will do to them.

Well, I'm pretty sure
it'll fucking kill them.

And I'll do it,
unless you start acting

like a real pussy

and take one
for the fucking team.

Hey, uh, I'm sorry about...

We've all peed in things
we regret.

I know gods are supposed
to be distant and unknowable,

but you're a good guy.

I want to tell you a secret.

What did you put... in this?

I found my book.

Now let's get
the hell out of here.

I can't find my friends' books.

"The following books have been
removed from circulation

for revisions.
Q. Coldwater, A. Quinn."

They're filling in
the endings of our books...

the pages that were missing

because of the Great Blank Spot.


Hey, I'm sorry about
your friends' books,

but this is our chance.

- Come with me.
- I can't.

I... I can't leave
without their books.

Well, I want to do the...

Look, just go, while
you still have the chance.

Okay, I can find
the Revision Room on my own.

For what it's worth,

you're still on my Nice List.

The fuck?

Do you remember me?

Because I don't.

I don't remember my name
or where I came from.

But I remember you.

You took something from me,
something important,

and then you...
threw me in a cage,

and I would like
for you to explain.

You remember all that,

but you don't remember
what you are,

what you did.

The word "monster"
has been thrown around.

That's right.

We put you with
the rest of your kind.

And I ate them.

You're kind of making my case
for me here.

We have the same parents.

Why am I a monster
and you're a god?

If you don't want
to be a monster,

then let me go.

Give me back
what you took from me,

and maybe I will.

I can't... ever.

I'm sorry.

It was a part of me,

and now it's a part of you.

Burning in your body.

Wait. Wait.

This world needs me.

Its god is dead.

You don't have to do this.

There's others.
There's still time.

We can figure something out.

It doesn't have to be me.

It doesn't have to...

What the fuck did he
just rip out of him?

Whatever it is, to a fairy eye,

it's like staring
straight at the sun.

They're real.

Well, it's been a pleasure.

The trackers on us?

Not actually a thing.

You guys are too lawful good
to bitch out.

- Marina.
- Hmm?

I've been looking for you.

Excuse me, miss.

These are free to a good home.

Are you interested?

Hey, are you sure
Marina's apartment's

the safest place for us to meet?

It's not Marina's.

It's mine.

What did you do?

I handled the problem.

Now, can we do this
cloaking spell

before the McAllisters show up
and kill all of us?


You haven't listened?

You know, your bad luck's gone.

Safe as it'll ever be.

But that's not
what's really stopping you.

The other me...


his dad died when he was a kid.

He was too little
to even understand.

All of his problems
were like that.

No sharp edges.


Look at us.

We paid a hell
of a fucking price.

You gave up being a goddess.

I gave up my father.

What did we get in return?

Magic is back.

Mm-mm, not in the way
that we wanted.

How are you not furious?

Because, for almost everyone,
the world is a little brighter,

even if they never know why.

I hate the Library
for what they did,

but my part in it,
I knew what it cost.

And I'd do it again.

But you wouldn't.

Will you sit here for a minute?


Hi, Quentin.

Sorry to leave a message
with bad news.

I need to talk to you
about your father.