The Magicians (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Heroes and Morons - full transcript

Previously, on "The Magicians"...

As a niffin, you made enemies.

One of them seeks you... the Lamprey.

You're down to an early warning device.

- An alarm, if you will.
- What is that, a joke?

- Is it cancer?
- Call it cancer plus.

Every time you leave this branch,
you go where time moves normally,

- and where time progresses...
- So does my super cancer. I know.

I wanna do a spell. A cheat day.

I'm just putting it all together.

Just tell me what you think,

and could you maybe
try a Russian accent?

Mayakovsky. That's a battery.

That holds magical current.

How many of those do you have?

- My people need help.
- They sure do.

I'll send you on an epic quest.

The Tale of the Seven Keys.

Jules, this is our quest.

And we're already on it.

The Tale of the Seven Keys.

Chapter one.

Long ago, in a far-off kingdom,

lived the daughter of a brave knight.


The knight had always wanted a son

to whom he might pass on his skills.

So, while father and
daughter loved one another,

she often felt herself
a disappointment to him.

One day, a witch kidnapped the knight.

♪ ♪

The daughter pleaded
with her to return him.

The witch said no, but
he could be rescued

if the girl could complete a quest.

"There are seven keys," said the witch.

"Find them, and you can
open your father's prison...

the Castle At The End of the World.

The witch told the daughter
the first key was to be found

on an island beyond her kingdom,

so she sailed past the Outer Islands.

And while the voyage was treacherous,

her destination was more so,

for nothing was as it
seemed on After Island.

Wow. Okay.

So, then...



This book is more withholding
than my last girlfriend.

Right, so the first quest

is in Fillory.

Eliot's taking point.

- Yeah, but we should be there with him.
- Hell, yeah, we should.

Quests are not a solo op,

and thanks to Dean Fogg and
the world's biggest FedEx bill,

we've got the clock.

So all we need is magic.

- Which is where you come in, right?
- Wrong.

I mean, that would be like trying
to power a Ferrari

- on a drop of unleaded.
- So we power this puppy how?

- Mayakovsky.
- Yes.

Can I focus on something I
don't wanna punch in the face?

He had four batteries
in Brakebills South.

He said that's all he had, but...

He's a lying drunk, so
of course he had more.

And he's been MIA since
magic got shut down.

And if he's roaming the
earth, he's using them.

If only to scam chicks.

- Any ideas where?
- No.

I mean, magic might be dead, but...

Google isn't.


We're out of dough.



Money, people.

Magic's gone.

We can't even control the
gold-shitting beetles anymore,

and now they've declared
themselves free and disappeared.

We're about to be a third world country

on a planet with two
and a half countries.

Yes, which is why the
Council and I are wondering

why we're spending so much money

on a very old ship.

Oh, thank you for asking, Queen Margo.

The Muntjac is the fastest boat
in our ancient, leaky fleet,

and the best way to
reach the Outer Islands,

where taxes haven't been collected in...

46 years, 3 months, and 7 days.

So let's just be clear here
about how government works.

We can't do anything without money.

Now, if there are any
dissenting opinions

as to my royal order,

I will remind the Council
that this is not a democracy.

Truer words never spoken.

And this meeting

is to inform all assembled
here what I intend to do.

We'll see.



Me, either.

♪ ♪






- Is that a Hedge Witch bar?
- Caught my eye.

What... where'd you find this?

YouTube. Urban Freakfest.

Was just posted.


Stop it, Mischa, no!


Okay, that's cool, um...

Point one, Mayakovsky's first name...

- Mischa.
- Right.

The "Joe" of Russia.

Point two, the symbol of Russia...

a brown bear.

Point three... recognize that?

- Yeah, that does kinda look like...
- Yep.

And point four...



That bear is a dick.




How old is this one?

Moses is eight months.

That's too old.

- Hmm, what about...
- First, I...

need to know whether
you have fully accepted Jesus

as your savior.


What about this one?

- Hester is five months.
- I'll take her.


I do need you to swear to me

that you'll protect this animal,

and Hester shall see no evil.










♪ ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx & chamallow


So, wait, Mayakovsky

uses the last drops of magic
anywhere for a bar trick?

Or maybe someone did it to him.

- Or the bear could just be a bear.
- Look, do you recognize this place?


You said you had
something else to show me?


♪ ♪

[STAMMERS] Wait... how?

I don't know, but it's all I can do,

Which is almost worse
than nothing at all.

But if Mayakovsky was in New York City

with a battery big enough
to turn himself into a bear,

maybe there are more.
And if Julia could get her hands

- on one of those batteries...
- Then maybe we could help Penny.

That is a Hedge bar.

I was 86-ed, so just get us in.

Yeah, well, recent history
doesn't do much for your credibility

when it comes to you, me, and a plan.

- How sick is Penny?
- ...You.

Look, if Penny doesn't need magic, go.


D. Hey.


It's good to see you, K.

Yeah, you too.

So, um...

- the bear?
- Yeah, that was weird. I mean...

I've seen weirder, but...

not in a while.

- It kinda gave me hope.
- Yeah.

Do you remember what
happened right before?

Yeah, you could smell
it first, then feel it.

I mean, everyone in here could.

You know, it's like, you're
starving for two months

and all of a sudden, steak's
on the grill, you know?

The whole room started buzzing and

everyone zeroed in on
this drunk Russian guy

- and the girl he came in with.
- Uh, is...

Was that, um...

- Was that the guy?
- Yeah.

Jeez, that guy's a prick.

Wait, I'm sorry, um,

are you saying that it's possible
he turned himself into a bear?

You know what? That guy was so wasted.

I don't think he knew what he was doing.

And the girl was trying to control him,
but she wasn't exactly sober,

so it was a lot at once.

Anything else you can remember?

She was way too young for that guy.

Wait, was that her? Is that the girl?

Yeah, that's her. Yep.

All right, hey, uh, I should
probably see her alone.

Uh, well... Emily,

even at her best, which she's probably
not right now, is a little...








Wow, that did not help at all.

Maybe just give it a sec.

I've given it a day. [LAUGHS]

'Course, I've been
drunk for about a week...

So there's that. Do you want a beer?

- Oh.
- You do.

- Uh...
- You want one. Come on.

So, how did you guys end up at that bar?

Oh, good story. well,

last week, Mischa just showed up
at my door... very dramatic...

telling me how he was free of the bond,

he said, and that he'd always loved me

and he always would.


- Well, that's great.
- Yeah!

So after, you know, a
couple hours in bed...

just, like, ahh...

We decided to celebrate.

I remember the first five or six bars,

a hotel, I think, or,
uh, some kind of room.

Maybe it was an Uber. Anyway.

We got married.


- Wow.
- Do you like? [LAUGHS]



Yeah, I think after
how bad it was before,

he felt like he had to
prove his love, you know?

He had to... he had to...

[RUSSIAN ACCENT] make it permanent.

- Right.
- Mm-hmm.

So how did he become a bear?


You know, I don't know.

I mean, 'cause that's some

really powerful magic.

Considering that magic is dead.


Yeah, we met someone...

at a bar, someone he owed...

something... to.

Maybe a battery?

I don't know. Honestly.

It was a woman.

Yeah, I really had to pee,

so I hit the ladies, and
I heard all this screaming.

Next thing, he is... he is...

he's hulking out of his clothes,

and he's getting all hairy.

And he's now... he's
full bear, and he's...

just... just tearing the place apart.

Right, but... so you think
it was that woman that...

If it was, and you find her,

could you rip her... face off?

Because now I am
married to a zoo animal.

This better be good, Tick.


I know something of this vessel,

and I feel obligated to, uh...

warn you.

Can I please just enjoy the fact

that I have a beautiful
boat and I'm setting off

on a fabulous adventure
for just one second?

Of course, Sire.




Parade in my head complete.

Make it rain.

First and foremost,

never forget this boat is
made from sentient trees

and therefore has, well,

a personality.

And, uh...

Your majesty.

Admiral Lacker.


Welcome to the Muntjac, Sire.

There's no faster
boat in all of Fillory,

and certainly none more wise
in the ways of seafaring.

Fast. Wise.

You hear that, Tick?


If you'll follow me.

♪ ♪

Huh. Nice trick.

The Muntjac designed herself

to explore, do battle, and deceive.

She can carry threescore
most comfortably.

I sense she's most
excited for this journey.

♪ ♪


Her heartwood, Sire.

Happy to see us, I think.

♪ ♪

I don't know, Tick.
Off your storm warning,

I was expecting a Kanye-level diva,

but I'm not even getting
a whiff of atty-patty.

Don't be fooled, Sire.

To use your parlance,

this boat can be a bit of an...

Ass-ditch. [GIGGLING]



- Grave?
- No.

Hole. Asshole!

- Ahh!
- Oh...


- You all right there, Tick?
- Fine, majesty.


We'll require a master swordsman.

Bingle should be more
than adequate, Sire.

The one who won't talk?

My understanding is he feels

any conversation impedes concentration,

which, as a swordsman, is unmatched,

with 72 kills and
never a scratch on him.

Well, you can't argue with success.

Or a swordsman who won't talk.

Going somewhere, dear wife?

On the voyage with you.

After all, I found the boat.

And I'm forever grateful,

but I do not think this is a good idea.


It's perhaps a concept you're a little

too distracted to get.

It's an excellent idea.

I should know. It was mine.


Any particular reason?


But I don't actually need one, do I?

It'll be wonderful, won't it?

To see the sky. Us.

So romantic.

- Additionally...
- Oh, Jesus.

I require someone I
trust to accompany you.

♪ ♪

We call her Frail Human.

Fray for short. Say hello, Fray.

I'd like you to meet your daughter.

- What?
- No.

- Mm-mm.
- No.

- No.
- Our child is a baby.

In the fairy realm,

time folds in on itself and accelerates.

Fray, I'd like you to meet

your father and mother.

I think it's best that you both know

I serve and am devoted only to my queen.

And I feel nothing for either of you.

♪ ♪



♪ ♪

Ugh, God. What a cliché.

The baby that becomes a teenager
practically overnight?


- "Angel."
- "Twilight."

- "Buffy."
- Technically,

Buffy's sister was never a baby.

She just appeared out of nowhere
and oh, my God.

Two months without dick
I sound like Quentin.

The point is,

only a creature from the land TV forgot

would think anybody would fall

for how shocking and original this is.

So you don't think
Fray is your daughter?

[SCOFFS] Do you see any resemblance?

I see your wife swooning.

Three hours ago, my
wife was burping a log.


She has a quality.

Called unearned imperiousness.

Your defining characteristic.

Until you earned it.

Don't tell me you're
falling for this shit.

I mean, look, I'm just saying.

On the off chance she is yours,

you're not gonna strand her

or lock her up or throw her overboard.

I will do any of the above
and worse if she disobeys me.

- Disobeys what, father?
- Jesus, fuck!


Never do that.



You take good care of your
king and his crew, okay?



Now, one last thing.

What you're doing is very heroic.

Now, I mean that.

But what's the difference
between a live hero

and a dead moron?

Food tasters?



One dumb decision.

So when it's be brave

or be smart...

♪ ♪

You know which one, okay?

♪ ♪

A woman. That's not a lot.

Except someone has big magic, so...

Or had.

It could've all got
used up on Mayakovsky.

No, I don't think so.

The Hedges,

they're all going crazy with rumors

that magic is happening
all over the city.

Central Park sex magic make-out
sessions devolving into orgy.

Fuck. Why didn't I ever do that?

And at St. Brennan's,

someone conjured a dinosaur.

Yeah, I mean,

both places, the rumor
is, it's a female magician.

White, 30s, a little off her rocker.

Uh, okay, well we should
split up and cover both.


You're taking sex magic, aren't you?

Let's go.

It was awesome.

Wait. What was, hon?

What magazine do you write for again?

"National Geographic."

A dinosaur, right
there in the courtyard.

You wouldn't happen to know

what kind of dinosaur, would you?

One of the kids drew a
picture of what we all wanted.

We made it up, and she made it real.

And how big?

And how hungry... [LAUGHS]

Medium. And it's a herbivore.

That's good to know.

We named it Androsaurus.

So it looks like half
man, half dinosaur?

How'd you know?

Well, andro, it's Greek for...

I think I need to see some credentials.



- There it is!
- Wait, wait. Stop.


- Get away from the window!

Come on.

- Come on.
- What?

Maybe it'll go to whoever conjured it.

- Come on.
- Slow down!

Let's go!


Whoa, whoa, whoa.

♪ ♪

I honestly wake up in the
morning and pretty much

nothing I think is
going to happen, happens.

Shh. Shut up.


Okay, just don't go so fast.


♪ ♪




I have nothing left to
puke, so technically I'm...

aye, aye.

You should get some rest.

In a bit.


I know you have your doubts, but...

she has your eyes.

In that she has two facing forward,

yes, she's got my eyes.

She's ours.

I feel it.

You don't?

I want to. I do.

But all I know is that

she is huge for a two-month-old.

Look, she is a spy for the Fairy Queen.

It's probably better if
she's not our daughter.

All my life, I've wanted
a family of my own.

And I know this isn't ideal.

We've missed so much with her, but...

it's not her fault.

She has the one thing
in life she's never had.



- ♪ Creepy little sneaky ♪

♪ Little foreign places ♪

♪ Terrifying territories ♪

♪ I can't take it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's a great big atlas, yeah ♪

Hi, excuse me, um,

I was just... I don't mean to interrupt.

Oh, no, no. I'm... I'm not interested.

But thanks for the offer though.
That's very kind.

Uh... hi, uh,

I know this might be a little awkward,
maybe not the best time.

No, I was just wondering
if maybe you had seen someone.

Hi, sorry.

I just wanted to ask
if maybe one of you...

All right, super helpful.

Appreciate... whoa.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.

I don't... I don't know
what just happened.

I'm just gonna...

- I feel...
- Let's do a lap.

♪ Just tell me what you want ♪

I still don't think it's a good idea

for you two to come along.

Our first family trip.

Oh, God.

Are you crying?

I hereby declare After Island

a province of Fillory!



I'm your new king.

No need to bow or cheer.

I have an extremely healthy self-image.

Um, where's your leader?

Governor? Mayor?

Tin pot dictator?

Father Poe is in prayer, preparing.


The attack.


The... the monster.

Of course.


we should offer our king refreshment.

Let's just get back to the monster thing

for just one second.

It... it tries
to kill us every few days.

Oh, that's troubling.

Father Poe will protect us, as always.

Now he'll protect you as well.

Do you like roasted boar?

Just stop it. No means no.

Come on.



- Shit.
- Alice, hey.

How did you... what are you doing here?

Same as you, I guess.

Following all this crazy magic,

hoping it leads
to Mayakovsky's batteries.

By yourself?

Took four of us to...

- Well, you are Alice Quinn.
- Yeah, whoever that is now.

- Can I just say something?
- No!



One question.


I needed a pet. Is that so weird?

All right,

everybody who's doing what
you're doing to each other,

stop immediately,
or you will be arrested.


- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you get anything?

Uh, so, um,

this was cast by a woman, clearly,

although the muggles didn't know that.

They said she was talking
about the loss of magic,

and the need for wonder.

Okay, did you get a name, or...

No, uh, just that she was asking

where the nearest building
was to jump off of.

The Old Post Office on 58th.

How do you know that?

Abandoned building, easy
roof access, and great views.

It was the number one midtown spot

when I was into that kind
of thing as a possibility.


Greetings, your majesty.

Father Poe.

I understand you have
a bit of a monster issue.

I'd be happy to send my navy, but first,

I'm looking for something.


[WHISPERING] A golden key.


It can't be that easy.

I'm sorry, Sire,

it's impossible for me to give you this.

Oh, well... [CLEARS THROAT]

As your new monarch,

I'm afraid I have to insist.

But it's the only thing
keeping us alive.


- It's coming back!


Holy shit.


Call 911.

Wait, are you... Q!

Q, what are you...

♪ ♪

Majesty, I urge you.


♪ ♪


♪ ♪



♪ ♪


Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey!


Professor Lipson? Um...

Hey, it's nice to see you, um...



♪ ♪



♪ ♪

Oh, Jesus.

It's Lipson.



You don't wanna do this.

Not after you just made
such beautiful magic.

[SHAKY] Magic is dead.

No, but it's not, and you
proved that today, right?

With Mayakovsky's battery.

[GROANS] It's not his.

It's mine.

Yes, of course, of course it is.

Do you think that he could
make this without me?

Where do you think he got the
living metal in Antarctica?

Me. Me.

Everything he asked for,
I gave him everything.

The fucking bastard! [SOBS]

Yes, God, totally.

I-I told him...

I was the one that told him
that this day would come,

- that it wouldn't last.
- And that was so smart.

- We all... we should've seen that.
- And then he walks in there

with that fucking slut,

that whore!

Calling her his wife?
The goddamn world is ending!

And all we have is each other,

and he does this to me now!

Look, he is the worst,
and he got what he deserved,

but I get what you did.

You were raging

against the dying of the light.

Yes. Yes.

We really didn't know
how good we had it, did we?

We whined and complained

about everything that magic couldn't do

because we couldn't see
that a world without it was...

dark and mean and pointless.

Yeah. Exactly.

Whoa, no, no! Please, please.

- WOMAN: God, no!
- MAN: Oh, God!

It was me. It was my fault, okay?

And I'm going to fix it.
Look, we've already... we've started...

You can't fix this, Quentin.

It's over. It's over.

This. This is all there is.

And I used it to give joy to sick kids,

and to bring love to strangers
who were dead inside.

And you know what? I hope he sees.

I hope he sees and knows
that I used all of it

for something that he would never use!

Look, he got what he deserved, okay?

Honestly, I think that it was brilliant

turning him into a bear.


A bear? What?

What are you talking about?

In the bar, when you met him,

and... and he brought Emily,
and he gave you that,

and you turned him in...

Oh, God, I don't know
what you're talking about.





Quentin, let me go!

Let me go!




♪ ♪


Yeah, then we lost it on Madison.

I still think it went
into that falafel place.

No, you were hungry.

So was he.

And it was a vegan falafel place,

so, herbivore. Logic. Whatever.

- Okay, I...

Hello? Wait... He's what? Where?

Okay, not to be a cold-hearted bastard,

but I'm a cold-hearted bastard.

The battery?

Well, that's just unfair.

[STAMMERING] There's something that...

I told Lipson that
I thought it was great

that she turned Mayakovsky into a bear,

and she had no idea
what I was talking about.

Well, yeah, because she's insane.

Well, I just...
I don't think that she did it.

Then who did?

Someone else at the bar.

Who had another battery?

Yeah, but is...

Oh, God.








♪ ♪

Sorry, officer.

Our friend's cat was sick

and... exploded.

You know, like they do.


Is it dead?

It can't be killed.

How do you know?

She's right.

It's a Shadow Bat.

It's not really alive,
so it can't be killed.

We have them in the Fairy Realm.


No. No!



He didn't get inside.
I couldn't save him.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

Now you see.

♪ ♪

I can never give you this key.

- Hey, open the door.

We know you have the battery...

What happened?

You're not as quick as your friend.

- She took it.
- Alice?


She's the only one who hits that hard.

Wait, you had
the battery the whole time?

- Of course I did.
- So, wait, so,

you turned Mayakovsky into a bear?

- Mm-hmm.
- Isn't he your husband?

Which is the only reason
I didn't kill him.

- Where's Kady?
- I kinda missed it

'cause I was on the... ground.


My child,

you do not grieve alone.

I, the Father, grieve with you.

You do not des...

Get away from him!


- Tell her not to do that.
- Fray!

♪ ♪



Pardon me for one second.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

You sure?

I've seen the wounds
the shadow bat makes.

The fangs are serrated.

The wounds are messy.

And much...


And as the daughter of a blademaker,

I'm telling you

a blade killed the villager.

♪ ♪

Okay, so I'll go to Brakebills.

Q, you try the restaurant
where she works,

and Josh, you wanna take her apartment?

Look, I just need
to know the action plan, okay?

If I do find her, do I,
what, just grab the battery?

Even if she's using it
at that exact moment

to save Penny?

And even if saving Penny
means the battery's dead?

Or the battery has enough
juice to save Penny

and help us, she just
doesn't want me to have it.

I mean, which I totally get,
from her perspective.

Only I'm not her, I'm me,

and I'm trying to fix the whole
fuckness that is the universe.

Look, let's just find her,
and then we'll

figure out all the moral Jenga.

Said he needed to see you.

I tried to get him to come
inside, but he wouldn't.

Thanks, Maggie.

- Should I call an ambulance?
- No.

No, no, no. Thanks. I can handle this.

- Okay.
- Hi.

God, what the fuck, dude?

[SHAKY] I just...

I felt like it was my time, and I...

I just wanted to be with you when I...

No, no. No, you're not going to, okay?

- Holy shit.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

Come on. Let's get you out of here.

Hey! Hey! Whoa!

What is the meaning of this?

Excellent question.

What is the meaning of this?

I have an idea.

Let's test it out.





Kill him.

- Or...

Do it.

Do what?

One more word and you'll be dead.

But I'll still have the key, so...

Do it.


♪ ♪



♪ ♪



♪ ♪


Your new king commands you to stay put!




♪ ♪




♪ ♪

Gee, Father.

Weren't you scared?

It's illusion magic.

He's been using it
to make you all afraid.

There is no monster.

Well, I guess he kinda qualifies,

because how many of you

have died at the hands of your priest

to make him your
uncontested leader and hero?


My friend lost his life.

Reminds me of what
a good friend once told me.

What's the difference
between a hero and a moron?

One bad decision.


♪ ♪


No! No!

He's lying.

He's lying to you!

No! No!

- No!

I know you're behind me.

Thank you, by the way.

We wouldn't have been able
to figure it out without...

- You didn't do it.
- Do what?

What you told my queen you came to do...

collect taxes...
you just came for that key.


It's gold.

And magic.

Maybe the only magic anywhere.

What could be more valuable than that?

I'm not sure I believe you.

And I can't believe
I finally get to say this.

Don't talk back to your father and me.

[LAUGHING] That felt nice, didn't it?

- I am here to assure that...
- My turn.

Go to your room.

We're a family.

Well, we are certainly
fucked up enough to be.




- Holy shit.

Hey. Uh... help you?






♪ ♪


♪ ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx & chamallow


♪ ♪