The Magicians (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Tales of the Seven Keys - full transcript

After the magic shutdown after the events on last season, the characters must go on a quest in order to restore magic.


Previously, on "The Magicians"...

Quentin... [CRIES OUT]

I killed a god.

Gods like Ember have parents, you idiot.

When we're harmless, they ignore us.

But when we become malignant,
they amputate.

- [LOW HUMMING]
- [GASPS]

Magic is gone.

What is it that you seek,
rude little Earth girl?

The woman and child you stole.

Fen wouldn't come because
they have your daughter.

I had to warn you. They're coming.

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

This contract initiates
our services in exchange for...

Unlimited manual and magical labor?

- You signed that insane contract?
- Yeah, it's okay.

- Did you do this for me?
- Just say it.

Cancer.

- Call it Cancer plus.
- How long till I die?

Two or three weeks.

I need your help.

If Penny's in the library,
he can be your mole.

But to do that, he'd have to be alive.

Deal.

As a niffin, you made enemies.

I am here to warn you
that one of them seeks you.

The Lambre. It knows you're weak.

It knows you're here.

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

He raped me.

Your son.

He turned me into a monster.

[WHISPERING] You're a survivor.

Why did you bring me back?

I know what you're trying to do.

There is no actual evidence
of magical surge.

The best we can do is accept that

and continue our theoretical studies.

- [SIGH]
- We all get flashes,

and we can do it again.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

How?

I have no idea.

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

Nope. Nothing.

No freeze, no boil.

Shit.

It's okay.

You can still do other stuff.

Q, I can't do anything real.

It's like there's no pattern to this,

nothing that we do can
make it stronger or better.

I'm starting to feel like
it's all random, you know?

Maybe it was a mistake.

Come on, you don't mean that.

What if this is, like, a smudge?

A fingerprint left by OLU when
she gave me back my Shade,

and she didn't even realize?

You know, it's like,
whoops, speck of magic.

She's a goddess.

Does she seem like the accident type?

Have you met her son?

Look, I don't wanna be insensitive...

But you still think I somehow
have this because of Reynard.

I don't know why you have it.

I just... I-I don't think

that we should discount the possibility.

I mean, you've had...

More contact with gods than most.

That's a nicer way of putting it.

[SOFT LAUGH]

For the record, I'm still
leaning towards fluke.

So it's a fluke. There's still something

that could lead us to something.

We have got to keep
chipping away at it, Jules.

Big words coming from a guy who's mostly

chain-smoking and binge-watching

"Six Feet Under" when I got here.

You fired me up.

You showed me that
there's a fight to fight.

Now I am the official sidekick

to whatever it turns out you are, okay?

So, get used to it.

Wake up, asshole.

[GROANS]

[DRY LAUGH]

What, were you a boy scout?
These are great.

Not a good time to go with smart-ass.

I'm not a killer, but times are strange

and you're the one
who broke into my home.

Yeah, well, I'm a librarian.

You're ignoring our requests.

That book was overdue.

Overdue book? Come on.

It's my job.

What's the Library's real game?

Books?

Why do you care anymore?

'Cause what the hell else
is there to do anymore?

[BITTER LAUGH]

Man, hey, that thing...

- Is not your business.
- It's Mayakovsky's spell, right?

Little something the brew up current?

It's fake.

It does not make magic.

It does blow up like a meth lab.

You met Mayakovsky?

I'd know his spellwork anywhere.

Yeah, me too, and I'm telling you...

All of this is his fault.

It... by his, you mean...

Made a bunch
of apocalypse-proof batteries,

then did something to turn
it all off all over the world.

Breaks his Incorporate Bond,

screws us, he's got magic, he's free.

Tell you what Mayakovsky
didn't think about...

Creatures. They're fine.

Whatever they are, it's DNA.

So I hear.

We're fish bait now.

Thank God I got this place,

'cause they're coming.

I promise you.

[CRASHES]

Well, karma is a righteous bitch.

- [LAUGH]
- Karma's gonna be...

we kill them all, son.

If you can.

I mean, some of them look just like us.

You'd never know
they're not quite human.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GUN CLACKS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

[TRAFFIC SOUNDS]

I like the little apron.

Penny.

Penny.

You shouldn't be here.

You don't have that kind
of time to waste.

It's not wasted.

They treating you okay?

Everything's fine. It's all fine.

Nothing is fine.

I'm looking at you. There's that.

You look good.

[LAUGHS] White-knuckle sobriety

and forced celibacy's my look.

You need to go back.

I-I was kinda thinking we were

gonna grab a quickie in the car.

Yeah, that sounds great,

except I don't have a car, and...

and you're fucking dying. [FORCED LAUGH]

Worth it.

Go.

I love you.

Go.

[METAL CLANKS]

We don't have the funds to...

We're just going to have to borrow.

Begging Pardon, but Tick is right.

[EERIE HARP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Excuse me, Sire.

♪ ♪

Your Majesty?

♪ ♪

Look,

there is no unshitty answer
to any of this, people,

so suck it up.

[GIGGLE]

[COOING, GIGGLING]

Mmm.

Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We need to discuss the borders.

Great.

After lunch.

Thank you. Dismissed.

We have things to discuss, dear.

- Fabulous.
- Not you.

Your long-suffering high queen.

You may go.

Margo, stay.

Lumbricus Campestris.

Don't tell me.

Feather of a left-handed crow?

Butterfly with PMS this time?

Turtle semen with a rosemary garnish?

It's a type of earthworm.

It lives abundantly in the
grounds around the castle.

Collect them all.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[SLIGHT LAUGH] Okay.

Really enjoying our ongoing whimsy-fest,

but I am a tad busy trying to
keep the country from starving,

- so...
- Better hurry, then.

[LOW RUMBLING]

- [COUGHS]
- You were gone too long.

Was I?

Thought I was... [RETCHES]

[COUGHS]

You have to move quickly out there.

Every time you leave this
branch, you go where

time moves normally
and where time progresses...

So does my super cancer, I know.

It's a pity the best y'all
could do was a place where

time stopped.

You know, time going backward?

That'd be better.

I've been giving you assignments

that shouldn't take more than an hour.

- I don't want you...
- Me to die?

[PANTING] How sweet of you,

considering you poisoned me.

You know that wasn't me.

No one wants you to die.

[DRY LAUGH] I know.

You know, travelers? Hard to come by.

I wish you wouldn't be so cynical.

Thank you. You need to rest.

How is it?

Out there?

Depressing.

[CLACK]

[DOOR CLICKS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Henry.
- Ah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Is that... is that Irene McAllistair?

Well, it is good to see you.

[WARM LAUGH]

And how is the...

The board of trustees?

Oh, well, out of their minds. [LAUGHS]

Well, I don't need to tell you
how many of their companies

went belly up when magic died.

You do not. I have stock in several.

- Join the club.
- Yeah.

And your family?

Well, you know them.

Stuffy, cautious... survive anything.

But the rest of the board...

Look, Henry, I came here
alone because I respect you.

Well, you taught me
everything that I know.

- No need to exaggerate.
- I'm not.

And no one needs to convince me
that this school is important.

I gather that's not the case
for everyone.

They're panicked.

They want magic.

So too do we all.

They believe that there's gotta be

something out there somewhere.

Mayakovsky.

He was working on a-a battery.

We searched Brakebills South...

Still, they feel that, uh,
the resources of this school

would be best spent
continuing to search for...

I cannot stop my students
from searching.

But we are a school.

We still teach here.

It is perhaps more important than ever.

If they don't learn it,

I fear no one will ever again,
you understand?

I fear that too.

But if you don't find them something...

[SIGHS]

The board is gonna
close down Brakebills.

You have to give them something, Henry.

Quickly.

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

So, what do you think?

Okay, say you were to do it.

Work your way through some
piddly little Earth gods,

find a way to talk to an actual Old God,

and you say what?

Hi, please reconsider,
even though you are

a billion times smarter than I,
and... and... more powerful,

if you could please bring back
magic, that would be great.

I don't know, I just...
I figured it couldn't hurt

to get a little closer
and maybe meet someone

who knew more than we do.

- I hear you, Q, I do. I just...
- What?

I wouldn't want what happened to me

to happen to anyone else.

Look, you don't have to come.

I just... I just wanted you to know.

Okay, you're gonna do a summoning alone?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

I don't... I don't know.

Okay, say I was willing to risk it.

I mean, it requires serious, big magic.

Okay, well, cultures all over the world

have believed in these gods.
How did they call them?

Suffice to say, not quite the party

I was expecting when
I came down here, but...

I think I could help you.

How can I help you?

Yeah.

I was gonna respond,
and then I remembered

there's no point.

You can't help Penny anymore.

Says who?

What is that?

_

__

[SARCASTIC LAUGH]

_

_

_

_

_

__

[SOFT HARP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I have a job for you.

Earthworms.

Get anyone not actively...

Our full team is required
to keep the castle safe.

Okay, okay, so get like five
or six and do this for me.

[SNAPS] Quick and dirty.

♪ ♪

Ah, there you are.

Come join.

The southern province is

whatever the Fillorian word
for bankrupt is.

I need a drink.

So quick, little queen.

Where are the worms?

Don't tell me you sent
someone out to do your work.

[LAUGHS]

I'm a delegator.

It's a leadership quality.

You've clearly mastered it.

I thought I was clear.

They are to be plucked by female hands.

And I desire those hands to be yours.

But only if you wish to keep them.

[HARSH WHISPER] Shit!

Now this is bad.

I waited till I was sure none of those

creepy little no-eyebrow
fuckers were around

before I delegated.

So, how'd she know?

And so fast?

[TRAFFIC SOUNDS]

All right, so how do you know

that he'll even be here tonight?

I mean, there's a million
parties happening all over.

Easy.

He's on social media?

How else are followers
supposed to find him?

Met him by total accident at Art Basel.

He kept that party going
eight full days.

[DRY LAUGH]

Best eight days of my life.

Anyway, that's his thing.

Swing in, stoke the party,
soak in the worship, move on.

Inspiring, right?

You guys are gonna love him.

[KNOCKING]

[ELECTRIC TREASURE'S
"BONESHAKER" PLAYING]

♪ A tad too strong to fight ♪

Josh The Animal Hoberman.

Bacchus.

My deity. How you living?

So good.

Um, get your fine ass in this bitch.

Lucy.

Bong hit.

♪ Just to feel your touch ♪

♪ ♪

Come back when you're fun.

♪ Take it easy, baby, let's not ♪

My mistress wishes that I tell you...

Uh, and you can see here

cracks from the swordplay
of King Boris The Softspoken.

That is indeed fascinating.

Mm.

Abigail mentioned you have
many fairy guests these days.

Guests,

hostile occupying force,

tomato, tomahto.

I presume you wish to extend the most

elegant level of hospitality.

Do I?

For this reason, I make you aware of the

corridor built by
High Queen ChenLi the Bookish,

of rare stone from the Shivering Sea.

Okay.

Why?

Unfortunately, certain species

are allergic to the substance.

How allergic?

- Violently, your majesty.
- Good to know.

We advise that your guests
cannot tolerate that area

so if you are looking for them,

they will undoubtedly be

somewhere else.

A-plus, Rafe.

Huh.

If Rafe says so, guess maybe
we're not the first royals

living a 24/7 fairy reach-around.

[DEEP SIGH]

So what the hell are we gonna do?

About Queen Bitch and all
her spooky little bitches?

Poison sounds nice.

Shockingly,
all books on poison disappeared

from the royal library right
around the time they arrived.

They're armed, they're smart,

they're multitudinous,

they are invisible to the guard...

When you put it that way.

What if they know about this in Loria?

If I send Idri a message...

Worst case he comes here,

you look at him naked
and cheer up a little.

How dare you make me sound that shallow,

but yes.

Hi.

Great to see you, as always.

[WHISPERING] I'll go write that letter.

To who?

Not Idri of Loria?

Actually, yes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Our crops are dying now that
we can't schedule the rain.

I hope he can help.

His library, like yours,
has of course been purged

of any material
pertaining to our species.

And any Lorian aware
of the existence of fairies

has been instructed
to keep their mouth shut

or lose their tongue.

Please don't underestimate me again.

It hurts my feelings.

We're gonna go take
a walk and have a good think

about our behavior.

[MUFFLED CLUB MUSIC]

[GROANS]

Come on, we not fun yet?

[COUGHS, SPUTTERS]

[GROANS]

[GIGGLES]

Yeah, do we not... do we not amuse!

BOTH: [DRUNKENLY] Do we not amuse?

♪ ♪

Hey.

I think I... I think I got it, Q.

Okay. Oof.

Remember that time, 10th grade, right?

And we made up that dance
and it was terrible.

- Oh, God.
- Yes.

So white and bad.

Yeah, that might actually work.

It was very, like,
hip thrusty if I remember.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no.
I remember it, my friend.

Uh...

♪ Ay-yo ♪

♪ I'm tired of using technology ♪

BOTH: Uh!

♪ So why don't you sit in front of me ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ay-yo! ♪

♪ I'm tired of using technology ♪

Uh!

♪ I need you right in front of me ♪

Uh!

♪ She wants it, uh, uh ♪

♪ She wants it, uh ♪

♪ She wants it,
so I gotta give it to her ♪

- Uh.
- Ow!

BOTH: ♪ She wants it, uh, uh ♪

♪ She wants it, uh ♪

♪ She wants it ♪

♪ So you can fugging give it to her ♪

[DOOR CLICKS]

[SLOW CLAPPING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ Where the dance don't cease ♪

♪ ♪

♪ East side, west side,
king of the ball ♪

♪ North side, south side, all of y'all ♪

♪ Yo, DJ, play my song ♪

♪ Show these people how I roll ♪

Hoberman!

Ohhh!

♪ ♪

So, welcome.

Magicians, right?

Yeah, how can you tell?

Your hands,

and your crazy level of trauma.

♪ ♪

Cheers to that.

♪ ♪

Ugh.

Going again. [CLEARS THROAT]

♪ ♪

Part deux.

♪ ♪

I just, I w...

we would kind of really love to talk.

Kid, I'm Bacchus.

I am the god of not being
a wiggly, little anxious

wet dish rag that would

[MOCKINGLY] kind of really love
to talk to you,

so I need you to unclench
your vagina and do that shot

or I'm moving on.

Just a little sexist.

Five, four,

three, two...

♪ ♪

Attaboy.

Okay, what do you wanna do now?

Twister? You wanna pierce something?

Oh, I've got

Trivial Pursuit Star Trek edition.

Just... Mr. Bacchus, we...

Magic, and how it's completely gone.

Magic is gone for you little guys?

You don't say.

What is... all over the U.S.?

All over everywhere, we think.

[GROANS] I've been a little

out of touch. [LAUGHS]

Well, that sucks for you.

Why?

Well...

I, um...

Sort of killed a-a god.

A minor... like, a very, you know...

- We had to.
- A minor god.

Not because we wanted to,
but just because we had to.

- You understand...
- Who?

♪ ♪

Who the fuck did you kill?

♪ ♪

Um, Ember in...

Fillory?

♪ ♪

I don't know that guy. [LAUGHS]

Deserved it. I...

[LAUGHING]

Tough choices make a man, man.

- Yeah.
- Open your mouth.

- Sorry?
- [GAGS] Like, open your mouth.

♪ ♪

Happy birthday.

Okay, so this is gonna be

a little bit more
challenging than we expected.

What did you put in my mouth?

[PULSING ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Alice? Where are you going?

I can't do this.
I can't study dead magic.

- I can't...
- Can we just...

go sit down somewhere and talk, please?

Stop. Look, here's the deal.

I thought if we hung out, maybe had sex,

I don't know, went to school,
it would feel like it did.

I thought I could forgive you,
but I can't.

- [DOOR CREAKS]
- I just...

Say good-bye and let me go.

Good-bye, Alice.

[PULSING ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Alice?

♪ ♪

Nope.

♪ ♪

♪ I couldn't live by your laws ♪

♪ I'm only human, what can I do ♪

♪ I've tried to fight all ♪

♪ ♪

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you okay?

Uh, yeah, sorry.

♪ ♪

♪ You are my heavenly fire ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- [SOFT LAUGH]

Sorry.

- I am so...
- No, it's...

- Very...
- Me too.

Very high.

I get it. [LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

Does your high ever turn on you

and you go from happy to

remembering you live in
a barren world devoid of magic?

Mine more goes from okay to

oh yeah, you have PTSD
from being sexually assaulted

by a trickster god.

♪ ♪

Long story.

I got time.

Let's talk about something else.

Sure.

Sure, whatever you...

Hey, you ever, uh...

I'm sorry.

I just really loved doing magic.

And I was good at it.

You should have tasted my tomatoes.

♪ ♪

And just, the air
smelled different, right?

And I could turn into a bird,
or... or... or...

make a rose bloom.

And I saw actual Fillory.

And I banged a werewolf, yes.

That is weird, but also rad,
because who gets to do that?

♪ ♪

And I wasn't just some
extremely average nobody.

I was gifted.

I didn't just belong somewhere.

I belonged anywhere
because I was a Magician.

♪ ♪

I just...

I don't even know what
anything is even about anymore.

♪ ♪

Maybe there's a way to get it back.

Look, no offense,

I've been researching, and...

Stick a fork in it.

[YALL'S "HUNDRED MILES" PLAYING]

♪ ♪

♪ Come here and visit my world ♪

♪ Come here and visit my world ♪

♪ Did the street shining stars ♪

♪ Our love is the only way ♪

♪ Don't get lost 'cause I'm waiting ♪

♪ Summer feelings are waiting ♪

Please tell me you're not just really,

really good at smoke rings.

Mm-mm.

No, I can't even blow one.

How?

♪ ♪

I don't know yet.

BOTH: [LAUGH]

Julia.

Q!

♪ You and me ♪

Stop, Q, you're giving me the spins...

Look, I know that you're blasted, but...

- You're blasted!
- Yeah, but even I know that

you cannot show people that.

Why not?

Because if the wrong people found out...

He is not the wrong people.

I can't go through the rest of my life

just not trusting anyone.

I feel fucked up enough.

♪ ♪

I get that.

Just put yourself in my shoes
just for one second, Q.

I have magic.

And what does it do?

More or less jack shit.

And I see someone whose entire life

would change if he could just see it.

♪ Summer feelings are waiting ♪

I have to be able
to do something with it.

And if that's cheer up Josh Hoberman,

then I'll take it.

Because I can't... you know,

I can't be so precious with
something that is so small.

It's not small, it's the...

it's the biggest magic, Jules.

'Cause as far as we know,

for us little guys,
it's the only magic out there.

♪ ♪

Oww! What... oww.

Dude, you're gonna leave
a mark and I don't like that

in a non-sexual context.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, um...

You watched "Battlestar," right?

Yeah, I love when they
do terrorism allegory

- with mostly white people.
- Mm-hmm.

You remember Grace Park in season one?

Of course, best storyline.

- Why?
- Duh...

because she was actually...

You're Grace Park.

Okay?

You're Grace Park, Margo.

[SOFT GASP]

I'm Grace Park.

Yeah.

And we have ourselves a bit of a

Gene Hackman in "The Conversation."

- I didn't see that one.
- Yeah, right, um...

Someone is "xoxo,
Gossip Girl"-ing our shit.

Remember James Marsden in X-Men, hm?

Your Marsden is xoxo-ing us

full on that great song by The Police.

That Fairuza Balk in "The Craft."

Yeah, more Cersei Lannister.

Hey, glad I made you read those.

Well, I read the Wiki.

What? Those books are
like a million pages long.

- I have a life.
- Okay.

Anyway,

whatever your Marsden would xoxo,

Cersei xoxo's.

So, we have to keep it very

- best episode of "Buffy."
- [GASP] Musical?

The other one.

Okay.

How do we Lizzie Borden

the shit out of this thing?

'Cause I am about ready
to go full '07 Britney.

Maybe we could've back when
this place was Pottered up.

Still.

Even without a wand,

Harry would figure some shit out.

Honestly, I didn't quite
finish those books either...

Our Harry, I mean.

Oh! Him.

Well, he'd...

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

Mm-hmm.

Consult the creepy pedophile.

♪ ♪

Mmm.

[DOG BARKING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DOG BARKS FASTER]

We're close, I think.

I thought this excursion was
mostly about drinking heavily.

I needed to imply that

so we could get away
without extra eyes on us.

[SIGHS]

Fairies, Tick.

When magic died, they pounced.

Full occupation.

This explains so much.

What will we do?

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

The white lady was spotted
somewhere around here.

We're going to shoot her,

and then we're going
to wish those fairies

to the fucking cornfield.

Oh, excellent.

Whatever a cornfield is.

[DOGS BARKING]

[MELLOW CLUB MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, whoa!

There he is!

[LAUGHTER]

Man... or, god, I just...

Look, I thank you.

I just... I feel...

you know, whatever you
put in my mouth...

I just... I feel like...

you know, like a sugary cereal

in the good way.

You know? It's like,

- whoa!
- Haha, whoa.

- All right.
- Okay.

Hey, hey, shots, right?

Shots, shots, shots, shots.

You and me. Shots, shots.

I love you, I love you.

♪ I'm falling on my knees ♪

♪ In worship of you ♪

[LAUGHS] Yeeeah.

Look, so, anyway,

I was thinking, while we're here,

maybe I could ask you a few questions.

Dude.

You're a vibe-killer.

- No.
- Yes, you are.

And historically,
I do smite vibe-killers.

No, look, I'm a vibe-supporter.

I just also happen to be
a concerned Magician individual

who would like to get
a word in with your parents.

♪ ♪

My parents?

Yeah, the Old Gods.

Are imperious and distant dickwads

who I haven't spoken to in a millennia.

♪ ♪

Rambo! [CLAPS]

Let's get that foam gun loaded, baby.

Um...

Look, I know that this
really wasn't on your radar

until you met us, but we've lost

our most precious resource.

Dude, stop, okay?

If fixing magic is,
like, so important to you,

then you should just talk
to this crazy guy

that I met back in Athens one time.

Rambo! Rambo!

What was the name of that guy
that I met in Athens,

that up-with-humans guy?

Fit bod.

You mean Prometheus?

Prom...

That guy loved Magicians,

and he would want to help you.

He's dead.

What?

Prometheus died,
like, 1,500 years ago, man.

Sorry.

Damn it.

♪ ♪

Well, he lived
a pretty tortured existence,

so, dying was probably a relief for him.

[CLEARS THROAT]

But, still, uh, he would've helped you.

He told me this crazy story one time

about how there's like... [LAUGHS]

like, a secret back door to magic.

[STAMMERS] Wait, I'm sorry, what?

I don't remember the deets,
okay, my face was melting off.

Secret back door.

- Just, something...
- Mm-hmm.

[GASP] Wait!

Might've been a brothel.

Shots.

♪ ♪

[WHISPERING] Tick?

Tick?

Shit.

[LEAVES RUSTLING, BRANCHES SNAPPING]

[LOW CHUCKLING]

Not the best idea, Eliot.

Um...

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

I was looking for the White Lady.

Is this she?

♪ ♪

Look, if you don't come out of there,

I'm going to have to shoot you.

Gods!

Have you never given a compliment?

For example,

my, my, High King Eliot.

Your long legs look
so well in those breeches.

Thank you.

Your turn.

You sound like a...

very attractive Creature.

You think so?

I've met many non-humans,

and your voice is

by far the...

sexiest.

- Really?
- I mean, you sound noble.

[SHEEPISH LAUGH]

- I didn't mean...
- You're wise,

for I am, indeed,

the sexiest in the land.

It is I,

the Great Cock of The Darkling Woods.

The Great...

Cock.

Have you never beheld one,
child of Earth?

No, no. No, I've beheld one or two.

[SIGHS]

But you are, by far, the most majestic.

I'm diligent about hydration.

All right, petitioner, let's chat.

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[GENTLE, ELEGANT PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I like your style.

What is the point of hearing a petition

if the aesthetics are shit?

♪ ♪

I need help with a fairy thing.

[SIGHS]

Tribal matriarchies
are the absolute worse.

So, I was just hoping in

your great, benevolent handsomeness

that you would see fit to grant
me just one little wish.

That's the sort of thing my sister,

The Winter's Doe, specializes in.

Also, when was the last time
a petitioner didn't get

utterly assfucked by a wish-granting?

Yeah.

And yet...

I'll do you better.

There's a problem
far greater than fairies.

Solve it, they're nothing.

I'll send you on an epic quest.

That's...

Ahh.

Wow, that's great. Thank you.

It's just... [SIGHS]

My people need help.

- They sure do.
- Today.

The Fairy Queen is sitting
on my throne as we speak.

Do you want your magic back or not?

Will it not solve all your problems?

I mean, yes, but,

it's just...

how long does a quest like this take?

A good season.

Right.

My kingdom is in trouble now.

You are a good king.

But it is time

to become a great one.

In order to do that,
you must travel to a land

where you are no king, no Magician,

just a vulnerable man.

Honestly,

that sounds like something
I might really fuck up.

Yes, or it wouldn't be a quest.

You have friends, don't you?

I used to.

The one-eyed conqueror,

the traveler, the warrior,

the fool, the god-touched,

the lover of tomatoes,

and the torture artist...

Wait, which one is that?

- You lost me there.
- Nevermind.

You have a brother of the heart

with the foppy hair.

- That would be Quentin.
- You're parts of one whole.

No one can do this alone.

Okay.

FYI, I can't contact them
or reach them in any way.

You must find the book with no author.

A tale for children,
but they're hardly that.

There is the key... or, the keys...

in a place called...

Public Library.

In the shire of Chester

in the land of New Jersey.

Again, that sure sounds like Earth.

Eliot, the quest I bestow on you

is the task you were born for.

Claim it.

[INQUISITIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[CLEARS THROAT] Abigail,

talking-animal question.

So, bunnies.

[HOARSE WHISPERS]

Her Sluggishness has noted
that you are aware

of their messenger abilities.

So, that is what the
Fairy Queen uses them for?

Bunnies move easily between worlds.

And do they serve her?

And if so, how loyally?

Every bunny for itself, Majesty.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Need help.

Love, Eliot.

[TRAFFIC SOUNDS]

[PAGES RUSTLING]

Q.

I think this is it.

The Tale of the Seven Keys.

No author, I mean, I can feel
something coming off of it.

Interesting.

[MONOTONE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Interesting.

Yeah, if by interesting,
you mean, blank, sure.

Quests never give away the farm.

You've gotta earn everything.

♪ ♪

Jules, this is our quest.

♪ ♪

And we're already on it.

♪ ♪

[BUNNIES TALKING ALL TOGETHER]

- Epic Quest.
- We have to.

- Map from the book.
- Work together.

- Also I think...
- Eliot.

- Epic Quest.
- The Great Cock.

- It's called After Island.
- A back door to...

- The Great Cock.
- Epic quest.

- Keys.
- Here's the deal.

- Epic quest.
- All seven keys.

- Here's the deal.
- Epic quest.

Just shush for one second, please.

Oh.

Uh, that one.

Put him first.

[INQUISITIVE MUSIC]

Your father and I are so proud of you.

[SOFT GIGGLE]

♪ ♪

Okay... [CLEARS THROAT]

♪ ♪

We are go for epic quest.

You are indeed a brave king.

I am indeed a guy with not much choice,

but thanks for rounding up.

We're looking for keys.

Q and Julia believe
whatever the keys unlock,

will help restore magic.

And they think the first key
is here in Fillory.

Excellent.

Some place called After Island?

Oh.

It lies beyond our border, Majesty.

You would be venturing
to strange lands not your own.

So, not the friendliest?

It is said that even
the Outer Sea itself

wishes ill upon our king.

Some have sailed before you...

Oh, and how'd that go?

They drowned.

Oh.

Well, how do we prevent that?

I wish I knew, I only...

I know.

I know exactly the boat you need.

[SHARP MOANS]

[RAGGED BREATHING]

[WHIMPERS, HARSH BREATHING]

Ugh, okay! That's enough.

[PANTING] Let's talk.

So transactional.

What do you want with a Lamprey anyway?

It's more what
the Lamprey wants with me.

[INCREDULOUS LAUGH] Oh, shit.

You poked the wrong bear, sweetness.

Just tell me what you know.

Please?

Well, if you could do magic...

Yeah, well, I can't.

So...

So, you're down
to an early warning device.

An alarm, if you will.

So, just maybe,

you still got time to run.

[SHAKY SIGH] Okay, fine, I'll take it.

What, is that a joke?

I gave up jokes 80 years ago.

Tired of being misunderstood.

So get one,

and keep it on your person at all times.

Buena suerte.

[GROANS]

[BELL CHIMES]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Just a side of bacon, please.

[SOMBER, EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ Poison generated off ♪

♪ Those sheets ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪ Simulated love ♪

♪ For what I need ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, why? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪