The Magicians (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Lesser Evils - full transcript

Dean Fogg and Professor Lipson attempt to rid Quentin of Alice's Niffin but he refuses to let Alice go. Meanwhile, with magic fading in Fillory, Eliot agrees to a risky duel with King Idri of Loria, in lieu of a war, in the hopes that it will gain the respect of the Fillorians in the process. Julia, Penny and Kady locate Reynard's son in an effort to lure Reynard to them. In the process, Julia uses Quentin in a way that shocks everyone involved, including herself.

- Previously on
"The Magicians"...

- Fuck!
- I'm so sorry.

- It's Reynard.
- He's back.

Wait, I am pregnant.

- I wasn't the only one
he raped that night,

but I was the only one
who got pregnant.

- This is exorcism,
you understand?

- Did it work?
- Is it gone?

- In the center of your being,
there's a tiny beating heart.

It's called a shade.
It's what makes you feel.

The pain will burn you
till there's nothing.

- There was a complication.
- Her shade, it's gone.

- I feel light,

like a million pound weight's
off my chest.

Say we get the perfect spell,

think about the energy
it'd take to work it.

Dana's baby... his son.

- You know, there is
a ton of lore on demigods.

They're powerful
in their own right.

- We need to find him.

- As for Loria...

- some 8,000 troops
are headed to the border.

- So we're totally outnumbered.

- And of course,
our preparation is affected

by the continued unsteadiness
of the wellspring.

- Looks like...
- A major drought's hit.

- You can't even get out
of this shoddy little magician.

Free yourself, then find me.

- Alice, we can talk about this.
- Just shut up! Shut up!

This is your body trying
to hold a niffin inside it.

You can't...
Not for much longer,

or it's gonna kill us both.

Seriously, you guys,
I'm in a cage.

You think this is, uh,
a tad redundant?

- Protocol.
- For werewolves.

- Okay, technically, I have

sexually transmitted
lycanthropy... a very mild case.

Would've been cool
to actually fully wolf out.

You know...

Either way,
it's totally curable.

- Treatable.
- There is no actual cure.

- Well, silver bullet.

- Hey, don't go through my bag.

- Quentin, you're dying.

- Yeah, well, aren't we all?

- You are dying quickly.

You cannot keep this thing
inside you much longer.

- Well, I can't let her go.

- Which is why you must box her.

- I'm not doing that to Alice.

- Quentin, there is
no more Alice.

- This is uncharted territory.
- Nobody knows.

- Well, I know that
you will be dead in days

if you don't
rid yourself of her.

- May I help you steal from me?

- Nope, I got it.

Good luck with all your shit.

These damn brownouts.

- We may be
the least trusted monarchs

in the history of Fillory.

Thank god
they don't have polls here.

- That's the third brownout
this week.

- If we don't fix the wellspring
soon, your majesty...

- one problem at a time, okay?

Our soldiers are
deserting us in protest,

thanks to Julia
committing tree genocide.

- Pardon me, your majesty.

For the official records,
may I suggest

a slightly less incendiary term?

Perhaps "arbicide"?

- Sure, if you can
also recommend

how we fight a war
without an army.

- Your majesty,
there is one option...

- A rather obscure law, based...
- less words.

- One-on-one combat.

Between monarchs.

- A duel?
- El...

- with Ess's dad?
- He's gotta be at least 50.

And I'm pretty buff
from all the living

without technology
or decent wine.

- Slow down.

- Is there any rule
about not using magic?

- No, your majesty.
- Highness, if I may,

there is a reason
we haven't brought up this, uh,

option before,

especially since magic
is not completely dependable.

Simply put, you're likely to...

Well... Die.

- Mm-hmm.
- Tick, if I did this,

how popular would I be?

- No king has ever volunteered

for one-on-one combat.

If you were to prevail,
you would easily be

the greatest leader
in Fillorian history.

- The greatest.
- The greatest.

- God,

he's already seeing the statues.

- I hereby decree...

Rulers done gonna rumble.

- Eliot's the king of all this?

- Yeah, looking for rock-solid
proof there's no justice, that.

- Even this dungeon's nicer than
any place I lived as a kid...

Oh, except for my uncle's BMW.

Would've been even nicer
if he'd actually been my uncle.

- Don't be fooled
by the high gloss.

This place sucks.

- Hey.
- What's up?

- We found Reynard's son.

- So this is a breakout.

- Why are you in here anyway?
- I killed trees.

- Seriously.
- That could talk.

- They have talking trees here?

- Not anymore.

So what's Reynard's son like?

- I guarantee
you won't believe it.

Let's go.

What the fuck?

- He's marking his territory.

- Hey, I refuse to be shamed.

- Didn't you hear
what friar Joseph said?

Not all niffins are the same.

I'm not gonna go
on some killing spree

anymore than he would.

Don't you believe me?

- I believe you believe you.

- Sorry?

- I'm not talking to you.

- I just want to do
what Joseph does.

Beautiful, high-level magic.

- I'm not letting you loose.

It's bad for the world.

I'm not boxing you.

I don't want to know
a world without Alice.

- Keep this up,
and you won't have to.

We'll both be dead.

Good plan.


- The intel I'm getting
on king Idri

and the protocols of dueling...
Not good.

I mean, you ever even touched
a sword before today?

- No, but... Magician.

- Well, sword fighting spells,

of which there are only two
anyone knows of,

take months to master.

- Why? It's a giant
butter knife.

It's all the variables
in any given match.

It's almost infinite.

- I mean, sure, you could
slap together spell,

maybe get four
or five good moves.

- Which brings us to thing two.
- How many things are there?

- Look, king Idri
has fought 14 duels.

All opponents dead.

- Senator Gaines' rise
has been described

as nothing less than meteoric.

- Reynard's son is John Gaines?

- You know him?
- I mean, I know who he is.

He's on rails
to the White House.

- I hit one of his rallies,
did a psychic scan.

Dude believes
every word he says.

- I believe that everyone is
born with a flame of goodness,

and if my light or yours go out,

remember, we're not alone
in this world.

- See?
- Wow.

He's the perfect demigod
spokesmodel of absolute evil.

- Who's kinda hot as shit.

- What?
- Sorry.

Look, he's not even my type,
obviously; It's... it's weird.

- Dude has more magic
coming off him

than every magician
on earth combined

and knows not one thing
about magic.

- Well, he's sure gonna.

- How's the battle prep?

- If someone had told me
a year ago

that I'd be venting to my wife,

while preparing to do battle on
behalf of my mythical kingdom...

I'd have done a lot more drugs.

- I have something
that might help.

- Great, depending on
what your definition of help is.

- I know I haven't always
given you reason to trust me.

My grandpa forged this sword
for a high king

who vanished without
ever claiming it.

Since then, my family's
been saving it

for someone truly worthy.

- It's beautiful, but
I'm not sure it actually helps.

I'll never learn
a spell in time.

- It was made for a king,
as was the accompanying spell.

- And sword spells
take weeks to master.

- Not when it's written
for a king.

My grandpa was the royal
family's favorite sword Smith

because he knew they were,
uh, too...

- Too lazy to learn?
- Too... Preoccupied

with matters of state
for busywork.

With this spell and this blade,

you will be a master swordsman.

Insert weak double entendre
I'd have to explain.

- Sorry?

"Praise ember's strength

"and umber's wisdom.

"Bring unto me
the lifeblood knowledge

of all masters of the blade
who have come before."


Fen, I actually feel
marginally less fucked now.

- All my life,
I've put my family first.

Now that's you and our baby.

- I'll really try
not to die again.

I'd really appreciate that.

- No, no, no, stop...
- Hold on... hey, Becky.


- Security?
- It's not working.

- All right.

Whatever this is, stop.
Tell me what you want.

- Man, you're good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Let's get to it.

Magic is real.

- Whoa,
whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, hey.


Okay, is this
some kind of a gag?

Is this a publicity stunt
for a TV show?

- We're magicians
being hunted by an evil god,

and so are you.

- Listen, obviously
you guys believe this,

- and... and I respect that.
- Bullshit.

- No, it is not bullshit.
- It is... okay.

- This'll take forever.
- It's not like

- we need him alive anyway.
- Jesus, what the fuck, Julia?

- We don't need him.
- We need his energy.

- No.
- You're born, huge energy;

you die, bigger energy,
especially a demigod.

That is what we are
after here, people, the energy.

Right now, he's just a skin sack
hiding it from us.

- Okay, you need something
to hold that energy.

- Like this?
- Jesus.

- Oh, my god.
- You planned this all along.

- All right, all of you,

get the fuck out
of my office now!

I won't die here tonight.

I will not die here!

Oh, shit.

He's okay.

He just fainted.

- Hey!
- Whoa! No.

We are not, not,
killing a U.S. senator.

But we will commit a felony
almost as stupid.

- Mm-Kay, sloth,

you're the most honest one
on the damn council,

so I'm counting on you to not
kiss my ass or cover yours.

We've got a sword spell,
so yay us.

But we need
the wellspring to work.

There can't be one brownout
or blip during the duel.

So straight-up,
how do we guarantee that?

- It's too...
- What?


- There is something,

but we urge you not to do it.

- Tell me.
- Petition the fairies?

- Fairies?

Do I know about the fairies?

- They exist outside our realm.

They can be contacted,
and they have great powers.

- Well, can they fix
the wellspring?

Almost certainly.

- Guys? The fuck?

- Uh, fairies are notoriously...

- Mercurial?
- Have ya met your king?

- They make complex deals
with steep prices and...

- yeah, get me a meeting.

- One has to contact
their ambassador,

a human, which can sometimes
take days, even weeks.

- Well, then chop-chop.

And never keep information
from me again, okay?

- Yes, your highness.

- You, sloth, you read me?

- What?
- Nothing.

Is that that senator dude?

- You think we kidnapped
a U.S. senator

and stuffed him in a closet?

- No.
- Jesus, of course not.

- Okay.

- How'd you get him
past the wards?

Hey, does one of you
have an alumni key?

So cool.
Um, can I borrow it sometime?

There's this really hot...
I'd love to sneak her...

- ah, vodka Gibson, four onions.

- Yeah, right away.

- So what do we do
when he wakes up

and starts kicking the door?

- Whatever it is has
nothing to do with you.

Stay away from him.

- Or?

- No, you don't want
to go there.

Pretty sure we're already there.

- Enough.

I'll keep an eye on the senator.

- She's psychotic.
- Look, she's being

a little... Extreme, yeah,

but she's got her reasons, okay?
Just trust me.

- I know Julia.
- That's not Julia.

Even she knows that.

The only person who doesn't seem
to know that is you.

- Looks good.

- What's wrong?
- Wrong?

- Your face...
- I'm an obsessive fan, so tell.

- Thank you, Soren.

The sword's good.

The spell makes me great,
but great enough?

If I lose, forget me.

All of you are dead
or imprisoned.

Why didn't I see
how huge this is?


I'm scared...

For all of us.

- You know what
I'm thinking about?

That video you showed me

of your high school
production of "Les Mis."

You were such a great Valjean.

- Ugh.

I was all right at the matinees.

Evenings I'd agree.

- I scaled the heights.
- Mm.

- But...

What's your point?

- Well, all this reading
we've been doing on war,

I keep coming across
soldiers who'd sing

before going into battle.

- To avoid throwing up
with fear?

- It built confidence, yes,

projected power,
destabilized the enemy.

So give me.

- What?

- The big number.

I can't.

I'll never remember
all the lyrics.

It's practically
the entire cast.

- Which is why...


- No, I should practice.

- So move your ass and sing.

Beyoncé does,
which is why she's a boss.

- Mm-mm.
- Don't make me sing.

- Sorry,
I had to skip some verses.

They're great,
but they don't really apply

to our situation.

- Oh, okay.


- I'm confused.

- Is the duel not today?
- It's a metaphor.

- I love that show.
- You know it?

- Boarding school on earth.
- I played Javert.

- Typecasting.

- Praise ember's strength
and umber's wisdom.

Bring unto me
the lifeblood knowledge

of all masters of the blade.

King Idri...

- King Eliot...

I'm sorry I have to kill you.

- I've died before.

Doesn't seem to take with me.

Shall we?


- Okay, is he allowed
to do that?

- Kings do whatever.

- Fine, he bitched out.
- It's over.

- It's over when
one ruler is dead.

Another favorite show of mine...

"Into the woods."

- I cannot believe how
fucking boring this is.

You know I can see magic?

Not the kind that
you can do with your hands...

That stone age bullshit.

I can see pure magic

in a thousand dimensions
all at once.

- You're not Quentin.

- Get me out of here.

- Alice.

- Quentin always said
you were smart.

- He said the same about you.

- Well, then,
between the two of us,

we should be able
to figure something out.

- I'm not sure that's
what q would want.

- What do you want, Julia?

What are you thinking?

Oh, I can almost see it...

Just like I can see
that your shade is gone,

which is how I know that your...

Thoughts are pure, unencumbered.

I'm right, aren't I?

We both no life
is not clouded with regret,

need, sadness.

We both know life is
crystalline, clear, cold, sharp.

- You...

He's bleeding.

- God, he's so weak.

- John, I'm here.

I know you have questions.

I have all the answers
you could ever want.

I'm Reynard.

Your place is with me.

Who the fuck is Reynard,
and why is he in my head?

There's nothing we can do.

It's up to him.

- Jesus, he's stubborn.
- What is happening?

What is happening?
Will you get him out of my head?

- Make it stop.
- What now?

- This is so much worse
than you think.

- Is that senator Gaines?
- Probably.

I mean, why not?

- Can you do something
to ward his mind from the voice?

- What voice?
- Reynard's.

- He's after his son.
- Where?

- Outside the wards, I guess.

- Okay, whatever
you're thinking, don't.

- I'm not the one
you should worry about.

- You are out of your element,
child of earth.

Well done.

Well done.

- Yes.

I'd give you an update,
but I hate seeing boys cry.

- He won't be able
to get in here,

not after the security protocols
we put in place after the beast.

As long as they hold,
we're safe.

- You're probably right.
- I hope you're right,

but we are talking about
a not-so-benevolent god...

- Mm.
- After his only child.

- Listen, I'm sorry for getting
so hysterical back there.

I'm having a lot
of trouble with this.

- It's okay.

- How did you get
his voice to stop?

What the hell
is this thing on my neck?

- It's a patch.
- It blocks psychic interference.

It works, trust me.

- I have to be honest.
- I hope I'm in a mental ward.

- Majesty, you must
return to Whitespire.

- Are you insane?
- He will not wait.

- Who?
- The ambassador to the fairies.

- I'm afraid this has to end!

Don't prolong it.

Monarch to monarch,

when I kill you,
I'll be merciful.

- That's kind of you.

Oh, shit.

- The wellspring.
- Shit.

- Praise ember's strength
and umber's wisdom.

Bring unto me
the lifeblood knowledge

of all...

- all right, come on.

- Blackout.
- The wards are down.

Everyone get to the lab.

- Let's go.
- Run!

What's happening?

- Move, people! Quickly!
- Inside! Let's go!

Come on, this ain't a pop quiz.
Let's go.

You don't wanna be out there.
Let's go, come on.

How long can the emergency
generator in here

- keep the lab warded?
- Hopefully long enough

until we think of something.

- Of course those I represent
would always consider

with the utmost respect

any royal request, your majesty.

- When can we meet

- When you conclude
the bargain with me.

- No.

I wanna know
who I'm sealing the deal with.

- Not possible, majesty.

The ways of the fairies are...
Well, how should I put it...

As implacable
as they are ancient.

In any case, I would imagine
time is of the essence, no?

- The fairies can bring back
the wellspring?

- They can.

- And in return?

- A royal child of Whitespire.

- The fairies want a baby?

They aren't gonna eat it,
are they?

- It'll be raised as a fairy.

It'll know great knowledge,
and even greater power.

- Well...
- I'm not loving this,

- but I could get knocked up...
- no.

The child that grows in the womb
of the high king's wife.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Highness?
- A word?

You've offended the ambassador.

- He will no longer
bargain with you.

- What?
- Because you question him,

he will only honor
the present deal

without further amendment,
or there will be no deal at all.

- I do not have powers.
- That is impossible.

- It's impossible you don't.

- Look at your career.
- Hey, I work hard.

- Have you ever failed
at anything ever?

Just be honest.

I've had losses.

- My parents...
- yeah, died,

and left you, what, $20 million?

- So what are you
saying exactly?

Are you saying I used
some kind of magic spell

- to kill my parents for money?
- No. No.

Look, what you have,
it is bigger than...

Than... than what
any magician can do.

You know, you used your powers

even without knowing it
to create you.

And the world was made to
worship and follow you anywhere.

- So if my birth father's a god
and I'm a demigod,

why the hell did it take me
a year to pass

the most boring farm bill
in the history of the senate?

- But it got passed, right?

Come on, has any bill
you ever sponsored failed?

- Come on.
- Has it?

- Holy shit.

- Hi.

- You can't
stay up there forever.

- Fen, Eliot's going to lose,

if he hasn't already.

Without magic,
he's basically unarmed.

And the wellspring's gone black.

- You have to do something.

- I think I can,

but I need you to promise me
that if magic is returned,

Eliot lives
and there's no war...

That you will do
exactly what I tell you.

- Of course.
- Whatever it is.

- Yes. Please.
- Don't let him die.

- You are most skillful.

- I'm a manipulative cunt.

Fix the wellspring, now.

No rush.

I'll win eventually.

I wish your magic
hadn't gone out.

I like my fights fair.

- You do realize if this
is a legit magic blackout,

it fucks both Fillory
and Loria, right?

- My people are
so used to scarcity,

I don't even think
it'll register.

Sometimes, I think they like
being dissatisfied.


If you do kill me,
I guess you'll spare me decades

of trying to fix a kingdom
hell-bent on staying broken,

doomed to sexual frustration.

- But you have a wife.
- Exactly.

Oh, and I'm going
to be a father,

if that changes your mind about
the whole killing me thing.

- Wish I had a choice,
but one of us has to die,

and I'm not the one up a tree.

- Worth a shot.

- At least you don't have
to worry about getting old.

- Excuse me.

I would age like a fine wine.

And you are a total DILF.

- Should I be offended?

- Let's just say
it's too bad I have a wife.

- I get it.
- My love for my late wife

kept me from selecting
a husband too.

- Um, wait.


- It is a shame
I have to kill you.

I actually find you
very attractive.

- God damn it.

God damn it!

- Where's Quentin?
- What?

Julia's not here either.

- What?

- I don't understand.
- You have a new weapon

- to kill Reynard?
- No, you do.

I do what?

- You have a nuclear bomb
inside of you.

- Wait, Alice?
- I talked to her.

She's a killing machine
right now.

Tell her you wanna make a deal.

She kills Reynard, she's free.

- No.

- Do it, or we all die
right here, right now, q.

- It's not like you
to hide behind wards, Julia.

- Come face me.
- Face him first.


Even with that...
Thing inside of him,

he's nowhere near
as interesting as you.

But I'll make due.

- Let me out, I'll kill him.
- No.


- Get back inside the ward!
- Come on!

- Come on!
- Let me out!

- Picked up this little trick

your six-fingered friend
pulled on me.

- You waited too long.
- You know what's funny, Julia?

You work so hard
to hide from me magically,

yet you get caught
by a simple security camera

kidnapping a senator.

It's all over the news.

It's grainy, but I'd
recognize you anywhere.

So nice to meet
more of your friends.

I think this is gonna be
a lot of fun.

- We have to stop him.

- My son.

- Whatever you are,

if I am what you say,

don't hurt these people.

- Hurt them?
- No. Never.

I froze them so they wouldn't
hurt themselves...

Or you.

Come closer.

- Damn it!

- Praise ember's strength
and umber's wisdom.


Magic's back.


What the fuck?

- It's called the clean room.

No magic.

- Did you put
a sleeping spell on me?

Open this door!

- I've been trying
to understand you.

At least that's what I thought.
What I've really been doing

is trying to make
excuses for you.

But I can't anymore,

not after what you did
to Quentin today.

- But he's fine, right?

- That's just luck,
and you know it.

You fed him to Reynard.

- He knew how to survive.
- Yeah, by doing what you want.

That's all you see anymore,
is what you want.

You don't feel anymore, Julia,

not the way a human does.

It's not your fault.

I hope we can figure
something out,

but until then,

this is it for you.

- Kady...

- Citizens,
your warrior king returns.

- Praise ember!
- You scared me, you dick.

- Good to see you too, Bambi.

- Eliot, are... are you okay?
- Are you hurt?

- All in one piece, thanks
to that sword spell of yours.

- I'm just glad you're safe.
- We both are.

I can't believe
you actually won.

- Uh, is it really
that shocking?

- Having seen how you fight
without magic, yes.

- Hold up.

What's king daddy fuckface
doing here?

- Ah, king Idri
is our honored guest.

- What happened to the whole
"one must die" deal?

- We're kings.

What's the point
of having great power

if not to right wrongs?


Made an agreement.

- We're getting married.
- Wait, what?

- Uh, hello?

Pregnant wifey?
Your dick no work-y?

- Before I flay whoever
neglected to inform me sooner,

apparently all monarchs
on this glorious, magical planet

are entitled to one of each.

A wife, and a husband.

- So what?

You're all just gonna
shack up together?

- We're all just one big royal
polyamorous family.

Isn't it great?
No one has to die.

Everyone gets what they want.

- El, can we take a second?

So you fucked his son.

It doesn't have to be weird.

- You sure this is a good idea?

I mean, you're really
doubling up

on Fillorian marriage contracts.

- Sometimes, you have
to sacrifice for diplomacy.

And just wait until
we're husband and husband,

and what some would call
pillow talk, we call...

- Espionage?

- Diplomatic leverage.

- Your highness!

Thank ember
for your safe return.

More good news, the wellspring
is finally replenishing itself.

- Ah, good old tick.

Well, everything's
coming up Eliot.

Congrats, future hubby.
Your half is now shit-free.

- I'm sorry, his what?

- That was the deal.
- Marriage, peace,

and a 50/50 wellspring split.

- So how'd we finally fix
the wellspring?

- Well...

- I am so sorry.

I just can't do this anymore.


I hope you meant it.

I hope you just go and do...

Beautiful magic.


Quentin says go free.