The Magicians (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Plan B - full transcript

Julia and Kady enlist Quentin, Margo, Eliot and Penny for a magical heist.

Previously on "The Magicians"...

They know everything...

who you are, what you have done.

You cannot go back.

What am I supposed to do?

What we all do.


- Hey, where's Kady?
- Who gives a shit?

I don't think Penny even
cares that she's gone.

Believe me, he does.

We're gonna make another you.

You sleep here, your
mind goes into the golem.

The test was positive.

I want an abortion.

It's a totally mundane procedure.

Is it?

'Cause it might not be a simple,
totally mundane human embryo.

Stop. What are you doing? Stop! Kady!

So sorry about this.

That's my Haxenpaxen!

Just imagine what it's
giving off magically.

We're invisible while we're near him.

- Kady!
- Your magic is no good here.

What's with Stink-master Flash?

- He's coming with us.
- It's my mom's contact.

She could help with the baby situation.

They may be able to help
your friend with her problem,

but listen, I would never,
ever do business with them

if I had a choice.

Your majesties, the
much-venerated Emissaries

of our neighbors to the north.

I present Prince Ess of Loria.

- You fucked with us.
- Mm-hmm. Yes, you did.

- You fucked with our castle.
- Amen, sister.

And now the High King and I

hereby declare war on
the kingdom of Loria.


Wait, really?

I cast the niffin summoning,
and you didn't come.

You're wrong. I was right there.

I killed you. My cacodemon...

Your cacodemon wasn't
powerful enough to kill me.

It tried.

But when it saw that it couldn't win,

well, let's just say it

stuffed me in a place most convenient...

that stupid tattoo trap on your back.

We're stuck with each other.

Oh, Quentin.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Stop ignoring me! Stop
ignoring me, you pussy!

Pay attention to me,
you miserable sad sack!

- What's wrong with you?
- Stop it!

Are you ready to let me out
of that hairy back of yours?

'Cause I'm never gonna stop.

And sooner or later,
one of these dummies

are gonna call the brain
police, and you got priors.

This is not Alice. This is not Alice.

This is not Alice. This is not Alice.

Just keep telling yourself that.

You have got to stop.

Fine. Let me out of
this trap, and I'm gone.

Okay, look, Alice...

Evil Thing Inside of Me
That Used to Be Alice...

I have to say the
words to open the trap.

Of my own volition. Out loud.

And I'm not going to do that

because there is one
policy for you out here,

and it is to box you up for eternity.

I'm kind of boxed up right now, in you.

It's not the same
thing, and you know it.

Block of wood isn't
trying to fix this. I am.

Save me? Is that what
you think you're doing?

You think I want that?

I think if you were
really you right now,

that's all you would want.

Oh, what, and you're the world's

foremost expert on all things me?

Based on what?

Our garbage fire of a relationship

that ended with Eliot's
dick in your mouth?

Look, you came really close

to fixing this once for your brother.

I thought I did.

But I was like you then.

Small yet weirdly arrogant

for somebody who didn't
understand magic at all.

If you would just work with
me instead of jabbing at me,

we could figure out what's missing.

We could make the spell work.

We could do this.

Listen to me.

I promise, the math
will never add up, Q.

You'll never get that girl back.

Everything that's missing
burnt up when I became this.

It's gone forever, Q.

This isn't good for either of us.

No, no, this is making
me saner by the second.

I don't want to hurt you.

I actually don't want to hurt anyone.

Bullshit, you're a niffin.

Q, I'm not bloodthirsty.

I just want to be free.

And I already told you I can't do that.

Fine. Just let me take over your body

for just the tiniest little bit.

I'll be good. I'll be so good.

No, that's crazy.

So I have to be a niffin, yet
I don't even get to be a niffin?

I could travel the universe.

I could see things you
couldn't even imagine,

but instead, I have to be
bored and stuck with you!

I'm sorry that it is torture
to be with the one person

who is trying to help you.

So go back to screaming
until you go insane?

- Is that your choice?
- No.

That's your choice.

Or you could be quiet.

And you can let me try and solve this.

Well, this is the place.

Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?

I mean, Goldie said they're legit.

Only one way to find out.

- Problem?
- No problem.

We're just discussing how
to handle your situation.

That's okay. My way is best way.

But you can abort it, right?

This is exorcism.

That thing is not human.

The longer it's inside you,

the more tangled it
gets with your essence

and the harder it is for me to help you,

you understand?


Then I exorcise the trickster for you.

After you pay. Thank you.

$1 million?

In gold.

Paper money is for
drug dealers and idiots.

Look, Goldie will tell
you I'm good for it.

Can you just do it now
and we'll pay you later?

Bars. Two big bars.

Maybe 60 pounds.

That's all.


No, I'm just... I'm trying to remember

the last time not having enough money

was one of my biggest problems.

Okay, well, cash won't cut it, so, what,


A million dollars in
chains and earrings?

I mean, that would
take so many pawnshops.

We might as well rob a bank.

Well, we are Magicians.

Why don't we just rob a bank?

So there's really no way to just...

take it all back?

Your Majesty, one
cannot simply take back

- a declaration of war.
- Good.

Because I don't.

There are Lorian troops
marching to the border.

They're days away.

We believe they intend
to penetrate Fillory

by way of the Grudge Gap.

And, of course, our
preparation is affected

by the continued...
unsteadiness of the Wellspring.

Okay, well, we've got
literally every engineer

in the kingdom working to
de-shit-inate the Wellspring.

Gonna invent the
guillotine in a hot second

if they don't get their shit together.

Everyone is doing their best, my queen.

We expect to clear said water shortly.

We're excessively optimistic.

Spare no expense.

Which brings me to my point.

Fixing the Wellspring is expensive.

War is expensive.

And at this time, we do not
have the funds necessary...

We're broke?

It's magic residue.

Probably from a ward around
the bank's underground vault.

It's a regular bank.

Regular banks have magical wards?

Ones connected to the
Federal Reserve do, yeah.

Okay, so how do we get past it?

- Shit, it's...
- The Haxenpaxen.

Hey, we can't just let it out.


What the fuck?

Oh, my God. What the hell? A spoon?

I think it's dead.

What the hell was it
besides huge and invisible?

Fuck. We have to stop the bleeding.

We should bury it properly.

Okay, but, Jules, we got to move, okay?

We really need to get somewhere safe.

Okay, like?

You're not gonna like it.

Have you seen the "Twilight" movies?

Specifically the last one?


Huh. That's probably for the best.

Your problems extend beyond your uterus.

The fetus' élan vital is...

entangled with your soul.

I mean, I have read about this,

but I've... I've never
seen it in person.

You will need to find a Mudang.

It's their area.

Yeah, we did. She was expensive.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I've been trying to get
one on staff for years.

That poor girl is fucked.

And you are suggesting?

Let her stay.

I know that you expelled Kady

and that you are not generally
keen on granting asylum,

especially to hedges.

Yes, well, this is a special case.

Julia and I have a past.

Handle it however you
want, but for the record,

that girl will be safer at Brakebills.


"How to transfer the
energy from one being"

"and transform it."

Hey, what... what are
you two doing here?


What's this bitch doing in my room?

I know.

This was her room, right?

I guess they haven't
moved her stuff yet,

but Fogg said space was limited, so...

I talked to Kady.

What, no respect for the dead, Q?

You're just gonna let her sit on my bed?

Jules, I don't know what to say.

Say what you're thinking.

That I'm cursed.

Must've been a serial
killer in a past life.

Yeah, raise your hand
if she's the reason

that you fucking exploded in this life.

I'm sorry for everything
that's happened.

Yeah, speak for yourself.

For everything that
you're going through.

Mm, now you're just lying to her, Q.

I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time.

- Yeah, because you blame her.
- I'm not blaming you for Alice.

If I'm being honest.

No, if I make you feel
so shitty, just go.

- No.
- Why?

I'm the reason. If
I'm the reason, then...

'Cause that doesn't feel right either.

I don't know what's right.

My best friend in the
world does crazy shit

and doesn't trust me
and doesn't listen to me.

It is not that simple, and you know it.

I don't... What am I supposed to do?

You guys are both so goddamn maudlin.

I promised you, in Fillory,

when you told me about Reynard,
that I would help you somehow,

and that is not a promise

that I intend on breaking.

So if there's anything that I can do...

Actually, there is.

Help us rob a bank.

Oh, my God, yes.

You say yes.

It's for Professor Mayakovsky!

It was destroyed by other books.

"Future Movements of Magic"

was written by a Polish scientist

who happened to be a...



So the eugenics books came for it.

I'm really sorry.

They've been put in
the restricted section

with the other anti-Semitic texts.



Long story.


There's our little king.

So how have you been since, um...

Uh, I'm managing.

Um, how are things with you guys?

Glad you asked. We're at war.

Also, Fillory is seriously,
dangerously stone-cold broke.

Wait, how is that even possible?

The Nugget Beetles of the Outer Islands,

they literally shit precious stones.

Going extinct, apparently.

Ember shitting in the
power grid really screwed us

in a cornucopia of ways.

And before you ask, yes,
every alchemist in history

is a lying, cheating illusionist.

They turn lead into gold.
It turns right back in a day.

So we are boned.

How would you guys feel
about robbing a bank?



what are you really up to?

We need to rob a bank.

A bank heist. Wow.

Hmm, I think the time
we've invested in him

may actually pay off.


Okay, first, there's
something I have to tell you.

You're not gonna like
it, but hear me out.

For Julia? The psychopath?

The victim of a fucking rape

by a trickster god.

Look, I got to do this, okay? I owe her.


You gonna ask the traveler you
just fucked the shit out of to help?

I mean, no, I didn't really
feel like I had the right.

That's noble.

But ask.

Not gonna lie, I always
wanted to rob a bank.

To our little thievery corporation.

PS, we still hate you.

But it's the 21st century.

Shouldn't be this hard for a girl

to get an evil demigod abortion.

And we're emotionally advanced.

We can hold resentment and sympathy
for a person at the same time.

And Fillory's broke. We need gold.

So lucky you.

Thank you.

Okay, uh...

so if this heist is happening,

any ideas as to how?

Well, we cased the bank.

There was a pretty gnarly
ward around the vault.

Who here's actually robbed a bank?

When was this?

Senior year of high school.

I had some issues.

Okay, listen up,

'cause I'm only gonna go
through this shit once.

Any bank worth robbing

uses one of a handful
of security systems.

All the usual bells and whistles.

But what most idiots don't know

is, those companies are
all owned by Magicians.

Wait, so the people that work there...

Clueless. Tellers,
managers, security guards.

They're all Muggles.

They have no idea the
vault has a secret feature.

Serious wards.

Designed specifically
to keep out Magicians.

Now, in the case of our target,

their fingerprints
control the alarm systems.

It takes two managers

scanning their prints simultaneously

to do this.

Once both the alarms
and the wards go down,

you've got ten minutes
to get downstairs,

past the armed guards,

and enter in the
correct ten-digit combo.

If you screw up the combination

or you take longer than ten minutes,

you're fucked.

Now, basic bitches trip all
the standard alarm systems,

but Magicians?

We also trip the magic
wards, which means...

battle Magicians.

Full-time security employees
on the DL, with benefits.

You see one, run.

They only ask questions post-mortem.

But our ace is you.

Once we nab prints and drop the wards,

you travel straight in.

You really don't think a
bank vault, of all places,

has anti-traveler protection?

Oh, they do.

The entire floor of the vault

is one big anti-traveling sigil.

You get locked in till
you run out of air.

Yeah. Pass. I like air.

Relax, dummy.

You only get stuck if you hit the floor.

Oh, so it's like "Mission: Impossible."

That movie was stupidly unrealistic.

It's so much easier to just levitate.

Yeah, I don't know how,

and in case you guys have all forgotten,

I can't do magic.

Oh, that's fine. This
is gonna get done to you.

It's a little thingy

any Physical Kid can
make in their sleep.

Gravity belt. Exactly.

Once we drop the wards, float Penny,

he zips in, he zips out... payday.

Julia, run!

It's there. You just don't see it. Go!

- I thought it was dead.
- I guess it's got friends.

- Kady, come on.
- No, you go. I'll catch up.

- Kady!
- No! I need to kill it.

- I'll be fine.
- Why?

- I need its spoon.
- Spoon?

This is yours, isn't it?

You sent those things
after Julia, didn't you?

See, this is what happen
when you don't pay.


- Lady, use your words.
- Dak-chuh!

This is for dokkaebi.

How you say... goblin.

Invisible, right?

- Yeah.
- Right.

This is very old magic.

You bring to life using
old, abandoned things,

like this wooden spoon...

and menstrual blood.

Probably Moon's.

These creatures are mercenaries.

They won't stop.

You kill one, another
one grows in its place.

Very fucked up.

Why the hell would she do that?

To kill your friend.

I told Moon to relax,

but she's all, "Baby's too evil."

"It might hurt more people."

She wants to play it safe

and kill both spawn and mom together.

She's so stupid.

You won't pay if your friend is dead.

Listen, we are trying to
get you the money, okay?

If you want to get paid so fucking bad,

tell her to call it off.

Can't. She has a hundred spoons.

Dokkaebi will not stop
until trickster baby is dead,

so you got two options.

I can exorcise for you,

or monster rips your
friend's head off her neck.

So hurry up with my gold.


What's that?

You remember that one time

Richard and the Free
Traders rewound time?

- Déjà pizza?
- Yeah.

I think this is how they did it.

That was heavy cooperative magic.

Yeah, well, there are
notes for version 2.0 here.

I mean, it's more
efficient. Takes less juice.

Either one of us could run it.

Let's see.

"The Quarterback"?

Goes back 15 seconds.

Get it? Quarter of a minute?

Yeah, Richard did like his dad jokes.

Anyway, I thought it could be useful,

but at this rate,

I won't actually get
it to work for weeks.

And I guess I'd be weighed
down lugging it anyway.

It's got a pretty small
radius of influence.

Julia, you can't come.


Those invisible blood-goblin things,

they won't stop coming.

I mean, not until your problem's dead,

meaning you are.

If you step out from
under these wards...

It'll find me and all of you.

So I'm supposed to, what, just
wait here, fingers crossed,

while everyone who blames
me for Alice's death

risks their life?

I mean, how does that even make sense?

Just 'cause you can't come
doesn't mean you can't be there.

You can listen in and watch.

All right, but if anything goes wrong...

Nothing will. Okay?

Librarian, Neck Beard,
and White Privilege.

They're the managers. We
need two of their prints.

The good news is, they all go
to the same lame bar after work.

I'll take White Privilege.
Kady, you take Neck Beard.

Oh, nut up. It's just a finger.

Walk up to him, grab his hand,
and say, "Can I borrow this?"

Dip his stupid finger in his drink

to sanitize it, and...

pop it in your mouth, walk away,

yet stay emblazoned on
his heart for a lifetime.

Done and done.


Why does it got to be Kady?

It could be Penny or Eliot.

- Or you.
- Yeah.

Sounded like volunteering.

- Okay, fine, I'll take the librarian.
- Ha-ha.

Great. Quentin will go in my place.

Thanks, Q.

So he really just stuck
that in your mouth?


That is how the spell works.


Unexpectedly, I'm somehow
turned on right now.

Oh, really?

- Look at this idiot.
- Ugh.

Took you long enough.

So show us the goods.

Oh, God.

Oh, that's bad.

How'd you get it in your mouth?

Oh, it wasn't with your mouth, was it?

- Wh...
- Oh!

- Oh, shit!
- Mm-mm.

She went Digital Underground?

- Oh, God.
- Whoo!

What else do we have to do?

With these, we're golden.

Margo and Eliot grabbed everything
else we need for the morning.

So go rest up, Goldwater.

You've earned it.

All right.

Stick to the plan precisely,

and we should be golden.

I'll be right here waiting,

engines running.

Of course you will.

The brains of the operation

drives the getaway.

- Everyone knows that.
- Of course.

Okay, bitches. Let's do this.

- Thanks, Jimmy.
- Yeah.


Good luck.

All right. Let's set the clocks.


Three, two, one.

Okay. Alarms and wards are down.

It's up to Penny now.

Let's go.

Wait. Oh, shit. Um...


Oh, shit.


God damn it.


Fucking Physical Kids.

Penny's only got one
minute. Where the hell is he?

Cutting it a little
close, don't you think?

So where's the booty?

Eliot, who are you talking to?

They can't see me. I'm
not technically here.

I'm incepting your ass!

Your head. Your dreams.

You're still asleep
in Fillory, remember?

That is overly complicated.

You know what's not?
The sigil I just touched

'cause someone messed
up the buoyancy math.

Oh, that is not good.

Eliot, what's going on?

How do I put this? Penny fucked up.

No, it's your stupid
device. I'm stuck now.

Penny's incepting my... never mind.

Just trust me, we have to
get him out of that vault now.

Or, say, sometime in
the previous ten minutes.

Fuck. Shit.

Shit, let's go!

Tell her I'm fine. I'm
just... I'm running out of air.

Well, way to mix the message.

Hey, Margo, keep the engine running.

I'll inform the bank manager

the bees are resisting extermination

and everyone needs to
stay clear a little longer.

Let's go, kids. We're going back in.

- Shh. Quiet.
- Stop it.


- you are bad.
- No, you're bad.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

- Guards.
- What? I thought they evacuated.

I got this. I brought
the perfect weapon.

Wait, you're not gonna...

Kill them? God, no.

The Wrecking Ball is a weapon of peace.

Trust me. I'm a genius.

Read the book, and then
you watch the movie,

and it's always just whiny.

I'm totally disappointed in the book.

Mind if I read you?

Stop it.

Stop it!

Whipped that up trying
to get anybody to dance

at our cottage soirees,
but it came on a bit strong.


There's no way we can pick this lock.

Maybe we can brute-force it.

Hold on. I think this door
is too thick, even for you.

Okay, just so we're
all on the same page,

we've got less than four minutes.

Penny! We're getting you out!

I don't even think Alice could
do this in under four minutes.

Maybe not then, but
now I could do it in 15.


Oh, well. Rest in peace, Penny.

Well, I guess I could help.

For a price.

I want to drive.

For an hour a day, I
get control of your body.

Okay, okay. Maybe we break
this up. We split up the work.

I don't even know where to start.

Well, we can't just stand here!

I wouldn't hurt anyone.

I just want to stretch the tiniest bit.


You set the terms. We could
even do a "word as bond"

so that I can't break it.

Okay. 30 minutes. That's all you get.

After we hash out the "word as bond."


You try anything crazy...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Box.

Is it a deal?

Fine, it's a deal.

Are you talking to yourself?

No. Yes. Uh...

Yes. I'm just... I'm doing
long division in my head.

Move. Move.

I've always been good at math.

- Hi. You okay?
- Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm okay.

- Okay.
- All right.

Princess rescued.

Let's collect our reward and go.


Oh, shit.

Q, stop! Oh!

Shit! Oh, no.

- Let's go!
- Come on.


Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Go back! Go back! Go back!


Oh, shit, shit, shit!

Well, why should I go out there first?

You're the battle Magician.

What about another Wrecking Ball?

It was a one-off.

Oh, shit.

You're the... the battle Magician.

- Wait, did we just...
- Go back in time?

Yeah. Julia?

I'm outside. I can see
you in the van's mirror.

The effect reaches far enough?

Listen, you only have four rewinds.

Julia's outside.

She's watching with a
machine that can rewind time.

Let's go!

You're the...

Kady, three rewinds left.

She can only go back 15 seconds.

Let's go!

- You're the...
- Two rewinds left.


Kady, last rewind.

Okay, look. We need a plan.

Okay. Okay, I'll blast the bitch.

You all run left. She's
always on the right.

Is she? 'Cause the last time, I
thought she was more in the middle.

15 seconds!

Let's go.



Julia, answer me.

Shit. Let's go.

Q, come on. Grab the bar.

- But...
- Grab the bar! Let's go!

- What about...
- It's clay.

Eliot's fine. Let's go!


Eliot! Eliot!


Julia. Are you okay?

Jules. Julia?

- Talk to me.
- Julia, stay with us.

Talk to me. Are you all right?

It's gonna be fine.
We're gonna get help.

- It's gonna be okay.
- Julia.

- Julia.
- Come on. Hey.

- Julia.
- Jules, stay with us. Come on.



No, don't move around too much.

Sun patched you up, but
it's gonna take a while.

Did she do it?

Did it work? Is it gone?


She did it.

But, Julia...

there was a complication.