The Magicians (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Cock Barrens - full transcript

Quentin teams up with Alice's dad. Margo uses her powers of diplomacy while Penny tries to save a kidnapped Fillory. Banishing Renard comes with some surprises.


Previously on "The Magicians"...

Alice, whose house is this exactly?

- Alice?
- Hi, Dad.

- You know how I feel about Mom.
- Fine. Stephanie.

Ugh, I just feel like
I'm being pulled back

into this version of me
when I was, like, 12

and furious and invisible and mute.

You cure your own hands just fine,

but mine, you can't do
a fucking thing about, huh?

There are other options.

You can travel to Fillory.

Go there, get this.

I'll do what I can.

You may address me as Reynard the Fox.

Reynard is targeting hedges.

There was a girl. Forty years ago,

she banished Reynard from Earth.

I still don't know what I'm looking for.

Any sort of strange event or aberration.

- The test was positive.
- Fuck!

Yeah, so let's just get

this pesky abortion out of the way.

Kady!

I'm Bayler, a proud soldier
of Fillorians United.

I'm not a Fu Fighter anymore.

Help us, or I go to your king,

and tell him exactly
how well I know his wife.

Then I'll tell him myself.

What is she doing?

She can't. She'll niffin out.

Your turn.

- Quentin says go free.
- Alice!

Um...

Remind me again
what summoning Alice's niffin

has to do with the...

tai chi... I mean, ballet.

Ooh.

God, he should never do that move again.

It's niffin bait.
You have to call to them

at their point of their transformation

with something personal.

Oh... It's a sex thing.

No, it's Cirque Du Soleil.
You know Cirque Du Soleil?

You and Alice had sex
to Cirque Du Soleil?

No, it was something
I would do to cheer her up

when she was sad. It made her laugh.

Ugh.

That just made my heart hurt a little.

- Shut up.
- I was being sincere.

Does he have the box?

I mean, what if this actually works?

Yes, but be warned, he wants
to try to reason with her.

She was working on
some sort of reversal spell.

He thinks he can somehow finish it.

He's convinced she wants him to.

Oh, Jesus.

Okay, I'm starting over.

No, Q, stop.

If Alice was still a niffin...
if she was still here...

You've been at this an hour.

You can't summon her,
because she's gone.

It's just I saw her... it felt so real.

Why don't we get you
back to the castle, huh?

Some rest, some food.

And hey, there's an entire
kingdom's-worth

of problems to distract you.

We really are beset,
and could use your help.

- I hear you, I'm just...
- Good, vamanos.

Her memorial is tomorrow.

I should go and look
her parents in the eye...

tell them how she died.

And then...

I'll come back to Fillory,

and I'll be a king. I promise.

Can I trust you with this?
No offense, Q,

you're a little crazy right now.

Maybe, but yeah.

Ah, the sacrifice.

Uh, the plinth is in the backyard.

Follow me. Just, uh, watch the rug.

Daniel...

reconfigured the entire house,
and still...

everywhere I look, I see
something that Alice touched.

My children loved me.

- I was a good mother.
- You were, Stephanie, you were.

- So much better than my mother.
- Of cour...

What have I done to deserve this?

Um, hi.

Alice?

Alice...

Are you really there?

Okay.

You're kind of freaking me out.

I mean, I love you, but you're
very ghost-like right now, so...

Okay.

I can't.

Okay.

Okay, okay...

No.

Eliot and Margo are right. You're...

she's gone, and you're a little crazy.

Or not.

Alice.

Just don't jump out at me, okay?

Quentin?

Is that you?

Uh, sorry, Mr. Q... or Daniel. Sorry.

Give me a hug.

How on earth did you get into
my private study?

Uh...

There's, um, something going on.

Yeah.

Yeah, got it.

Tell them I'm Hannah's daughter,

and this is an emergency.

Can you just tell her
to call me, please?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, I mixed up your dose.
It's on the counter.

To all the heroine I am not taking.

Cheers.

- Mm.
- Did you get the pickles?

Yep.

You found something.

August 19th, 1976, 7:00 a.m.

An unseasonal hailstorm
hit the Northeast.

Nothing too crazy, right?

An hour later,
a tidal wave slammed into Miami.

Hour after that, hurricanes
struck both the coasts

of Peru, Chile.

I mean, something rippled down
the entire hemisphere,

and if you follow the chain
reaction back to its source...

Hoboken, New Jersey?

Nothing ever starts
in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Well, on August 19th,
some time before dawn,

this happened.

Industrial park burned to the ground.

No one could explain
what caused the fire,

or why it left one single
building standing untouched

with a perfect circle of burn around it.

Thank you.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Next.

- Eliot, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, thank you.

It's about that Fu Fighter
in the dungeon.

What the actual
all-encompassing fuck is this?

Your majesty, you said you wanted

- a unicorn milk latte.
- I was joking.

Wait, you milked a unicorn?

So listen, about Bayler...

Holy shit,
the walking plot twist returns.

- Hi, I need something.
- Shocker.

Hey, Fen, look who it is. Uncy Penny.

That's right, I knocked her up.
No big deal.

Uh, congratulations?

Like I needed more people
calling me daddy,

but yes, thanks. We're thrilled.

Uh...

Fen, um, could you give us

just like one moment, please?

- Yeah, so I'm here...
- I heard...

you heard...

Alice. I know you two were close.

Please shut up.

I am trying to ask if you are okay.

Are you okay?

Okay. I need to know

where your Dicranium
Scoparium Majorus grows.

Are you having a seizure?

Moss? Why?

Fix my hands.

You got a royal botanist or something?

Oh, well, um, we did,

but apparently he sort of
got eaten on the job.

By what? A... a plant?

I hate this place.

Try the royal map-maker.

Love ya.

So she's only shown herself
to me that I know of.

I don't know. Maybe I'm tuned into

her ghost channel or something, or...

maybe it has something to do with this.

I don't know.

- I believe you.
- You do?

I know my daughter.
She's trying to protect us.

Seeing her like that would be...

very upsetting for her mother and me,

but she led you to this for a reason.

Uh, Alice called a couple of months ago

about some ghost children
trapped in an estate in England.

- The Plover estate.
- Yes, yes, that's the one.

I was delighted to help.
Got a hold of this,

planned to give it to her
when she had the time to visit,

but then...

Well, anyway, you see the ancients had

many ways of dealing with ghosts
out of necessity back then.

Alice's Ka, her soul,

is not at rest, but it can be.

Now, one ancient civilization
that really mastered

the whole getting-one's-
soul-to-rest thing...

The Egyptians.

Wait, are you seeing that
Alice wants us to build...

Ecce.

In pyramis.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Just another day in the office?

Your majesties,
the much-venerated Emissaries

of our neighbors to the north.

I present Prince Ess of Loria.

I'm sorry...

Princess?

Please, call me Ess.

Prince Ess.

Oh, my God. Fuck your parents, dude.

We got a problem.

You guys have been fucking shit up

- for over half a century.
- Okay.

- This is how Lorians talk?
- And look...

The Prince speaks fluent Earth.

Rumor has it his mother is from,
uh, Cincinn-ah-ti.

Until The Beast drained the Wellspring.

And then... oh, yeah...

you jokers let Ember take a dump...

Get to your point.

Loria depends on
the Wellspring's tributaries,

but now their magic's jacked.
Not enough.

Crops, rivers,
entire species are affected.

- You dicked us over.
- No.

We're trying to fix it, so...

Great, then this should be easy.

I'm here to propose a treaty
between our two kingdoms.

A 50/50 split of the Wellspring.

And to seal the alliance,

I, Crown Prince of Loria,
offer my hand in marriage

to the Virgin Queen Margo.

Um... okay.

- Did he just call me a virgin?
- Bambi, please, let me.

Ess, thank you.

We will consider your generous offer.

- No, we will not.
- Margo, please.

Listen, Princess, I'm not a sharer,

so why don't you walk yourself
and your un-ironic furs

out of my castle?

All right then.

Plan B. Ilario!

- Seriously? A wand?
- Guards!

Listen, I'm friends with
the High King, okay?

I'll make it worth your while
if you just show me

- where the goddamn moss grows.
- I told you,

I'll draw your map for you next Thurs...

Shit.

Oh, this is bad.

This is very bad.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Do you understand
that castle's full of people?

Do you understand there isn't
a single accurate map

of this entire place now?

What the...

Shit is radioactive.

Your majesties, welcome to Loria.

You kidnapped our castle?

I'll put it back,

as soon as you come around to my offer.

So many hostages.

I wouldn't try anything if I were you.

Guards? Dungeon.

The rest of you, hang here.

Shit.

- Shit.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'll jump in the doppel-banger,

- and I'll find someone who can...
- What?

- Travel here and help?
- Yes.

Q took the button to
some godforsaken 'burb.

No, you're not leaving me in a castle

full of barbarian frat bros.

Okay, fine,

but while we're talking about them,

you could've been a little diplomatic.

By agreeing to marry
a complete stranger on the spot?

I did it.

That was different.

You're right, this would only
really be equivalent

if Ess was a girl,
and you found pussy, you know,

interesting in a sometimes-
you-like-Thai-food kinda way,

and now it's all Thai food
forever till you die.

No, he's a man,

who seems arrogant and entitled

and unclear on the concept of consent.

I can't imagine
what could possibly go wrong.

Look, I'm not saying do it. It's just...

You're a queen. I'm a king.

We don't necessarily marry for love.

It's part of the job.

Fine, I'll talk to him,

but only to negotiate us
out of this epic clusterfuck.

I'm staying a virgin.

40 years ago, everything burned down

except this building.

Wait a minute.

Here.

Okay.

No way is this sigil 40 years old.

I mean, hardly anything
stays hot that long.

Yeah, except blood. Human blood.

And if that's what it is,
it's the DNA of

whoever cast the banishing,
so let's hope, right?

Yeah.

- How long does it take?
- It should work right away.

It's been decades.

I mean, whoever did the
banishing could be dead by now.

They're... they're probably dead.

Oh, shit, it's her.

It... it's my mom's contact.

Okay, hey, head home, wait, okay?

I gotta go.

She can help with the baby situation.

Hello?

The "pyramides" of Giza
provide an excellent blueprint...

specifically,
the one Khufu built to house

the soul of his son, Kawab,
valiantly slain in battle.

Yes, here.

Quentin, let's, uh...

let's not bring Stephanie
into this just yet.

It's too much for her.

Listen, Daniel, I thought
maybe you'd wanna hear about

- what happened to Alice.
- Uh, no...

A blood relative must coax the spirit

with a bit of mirror magic.

Look into the mirror,

paint a True Image of
the deceased with my words.

But first...

Uh, Quentin,

uh, you go up, hang the mirror.

Oh, and... and, uh,
first, uh, memorize this.

- Recite it when you're up there.
- Oh, this looks like Arabic,

- but not...
- Yes, uh, Egyptian Arabic. Eh?

Okay...

Well, my Egyptian Arabic
is a little rusty.

No, you'll... you'll be fine.
Just whatever you do,

don't let the mirror shatter.
I've already enchanted it.

Now, we've only got one shot.

Well, then Daniel,
I think that you should do it.

- You... you do it.
- No.

I mean, if that's important,
and we only have one shot...

Now Q... Quentin, please, just... you.

Yeah.

Give me a minute with this.

Oh, my God.

There you are.

Who are you?

Why did you follow me?

Hi.

My name is Julia. I need your help.

It's Reynard. He's back.

- How?
- I...

Look, it's a long story.
It was a mistake.

- He hurt you too, didn't he?
- Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm... I... I... I cannot help you.

What? Wait, I am pregnant.

- He...
- Don't worry,

the thing will never be born.

I don't care if I have to
jump off a building.

But I cannot let him do this
to another woman.

You banished him once.

All I am asking is for you
to teach me how to do it.

I think you better come inside.

Oh, shit.

Well... Alanis Morissette.

- Alice loved that cat.
- Okay, but why...

I've always had
a terrible fear of heights.

One day, Alanis Morissette
got stuck on the roof.

Alice begged me to get her down,
but I couldn't,

and honestly, I... I yelled at her,

because sometimes that is what one does

when one is ashamed. And the cat...

did not end well.

I don't know if Alice ever forgave me

for not being brave enough.

Maybe she will now.

No, Daniel, you don't have to do that.

Look, I can do it.

No, I can do it.

For Alice.

Voila. Oh...

Whoa.

Daniel.

Yeah, right?

- And then they came across.
- Whoo.

Hey!

Are you kidding me?

Rhaffat jaras. Jaras!

So... when's the wedding?

If we forgo the marriage,

I'm willing to grant you periodic access

to the Wellspring...

You think this is a negotiation?

No marriage, no treaty...

no castle back.

Okay, Conan, let me explain to you

how marriage works where I come from.

Oh, spare me. I know.

My mother shipped me off
to Exeter when I was 16.

You?

Fancy New England boarding school?

Had a dorm full of future senators

convinced I was an exchange
student from Iceland.

Point is I get it.

I'm shockingly progressive for a Lorian.

We get married, I'd still
let you speak in public.

- I'd make sure that you...
- Jesus, I'm not marrying you.

You think I wanna marry a virgin?

- This is purely political.
- Oh, my God.

I'm not a virgin.

Look, I've had the best in Loria,

- and Lorians are the best...
- Hm.

So either way...

you're a virgin to me, sweetheart.

I'm not your sweetheart,

and I'm certain that I can bang circles

around your boring little Lorian hoes,

'cause I'm a very smart,

very liberated woman,

and when I set my mind to something,

I master it.

And you've mastered what?

Never touching a man?

Not touching, touching...

I'm good at both.

Oh, you want me to stop?

Say it, or I'll stop.

Don't stop.

Beg me.

I like you.

So you waited until now
to tell me about you and Bayler?

I've been trying to tell you.
It's been a little insane today.

I'm not trying to keep secrets from you.

That's my point.
Eliot, please understand.

I had a life before you came.

I had no idea if you even would come.

Fillory is my home, and I care about it.

- So you became a terrorist?
- We're not violent.

I'd call your ex-boyfriend
trying to strangle me

- a little bit violent!
- He's not my...

We were close, yes,

but hurting people was never the plan.

- I have no idea who you are.
- I'm your wife.

- Because your father made you.
- I could've walked out of here

- a long time ago.
- Then why didn't you?

If you hate us so much...
if you hate me so much...

- why didn't you?
- Because I don't.

I believe in you. You think I stayed,

because you're just
so deeply attracted to me?

I am a realist who wants you to succeed.

I want us to.

So what am I supposed to do

with your good friend
in the dungeon, huh?

You should keep him there.
I don't think you can trust him.

Do you think I can trust you?

I was 21.

It didn't seem so crazy
back then to think

I could summon the goddess, do good.

Yeah, that's what I wanted too.

I couldn't get rid of the baby either.

What?

I wasn't the only one
he raped that night,

but I was the only one who got pregnant.

- So what did you do?
- I tried everything.

I even thought about killing myself,

but I couldn't go through with it.

You had it?

I'd rather die.

I want to help you, Julia.

I can't banish Reynard again...

but you can.

Where's your cat?

Oh, he's around here somewhere.

Come on.

Follow me.

You just wait right here, honey.

So sorry about this.

Late, Ms. Hansen.

Sit, you have ten minutes
to complete your midterm.

Midterm?

But... but I haven't studied.

Even I studied, and I'm dead.

Forgot your clothes too? Typical.

Margo? Hey... whoa!

- I swear I was gonna study.
- What?

No, no, it's... it's me.
It's actually me.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I'm asleep.

Uh, yeah, you must not be
in imminent danger

if you're napping, wherever you are.

Kidnapped, along with the entire castle.

Yeah, I know, there's a crater.

- Where are you?
- Loria.

Some canyon with these
purple-ish rock things.

- Rock things? What...
- Dicks, okay?

They look like dicks.

Uh, full-sail or half?

Honestly, it's a variety pack out there.

Okay, uh, I got it. I'll find you.

And Penny, if you ever
tell anyone you saw this...

Ooh... oh, no-no-no-no-no, I'd never.

I, uh... I'd much rather
have you owe me huge.

Scouring the room for a weapon?

You have a look in your eyes,
that's all.

It's called resting bitch face.

The Cock Barrens of Loria.

Okay. Show me where.

There. Right there.

Look, I know this isn't gonna
make anything any better.

I want you know that Alice died a hero.

It's funny...
these stories we tell, hmm?

You'd rather break both of your legs

than have a conversation
with me about this.

I can't stand to think about it.

Do me a favor,

get me a tall glass of
whatever looks strongest.

You're on a lot of painkillers.

My daughter is dead.

Let me guess...

- God.
- My husband said,

"Don't bother me, because
I'm too crazy right now."

Come on.

We gonna finish this or what?

Yeah.

What... what are...

What is that?

Don't be scared.

I don't know what you want
from me, okay?

'Kay. I want you to start
by understanding something,

and I... I... I don't expect you
to like the idea of this,

but you're going to have that baby.

What?

- What the... that is insane.
- Believe me, I know,

but that little demigod
growing inside of you

is like a tiny nuclear reactor.

You have one chance
to harness that power

when you give birth.

- Then I don't want that power.
- Yes, you do,

because that's how I banished Reynard,

and that's how you'll do it too,

while in labor with his child.

No!

Not your choice anymore.

Thank you.

Kady, they may be able to help
your friend with her problem,

but listen, I would never ever
do business with them

if I had a choice.

Be careful with people
like this, Maminke.

You don't want to wind up
like your mother.

Thanks.

This is Julia. Leave a message.

Shit.

This place is warded up the ass.

Shit.

Um, thank you?

You're trapped here too, aren't you?

So if... if I had this baby,
would it be like...

That's not my baby.

- That's my Haxenpaxen.
- What?

My Haxenpaxen. I caught it.

Smells unfortunate, but just imagine

what it's giving off magically.

Not even a trickster can find us.

We're invisible while we're near him.

Do have to occasionally stock up on food

and kitty litter, though.

How you found me, I suppose.

- So if that's not your child...
- My child is safe.

He'll never know who he really is.

He doesn't even know who I am.
I made sure of it.

It's for the best.

He's a good man, Julia.

An influential man.

Kady!

Your magic is no good here.

Oh!

What?

Oh, God, what's with Stink-master Flash?

Free him too. He's coming with us.

Must've been some negotiation.

Say I did marry him...

- say I...
- Stop, forget what I said.

This whole marriage thing is absurd.

You have no idea
who the other person is.

- It's dangerous.
- If it's that bad,

- have her killed.
- I can't.

We just made a human together.

And the worst is between
the whole lying back

and thinking of Fillory,

I started to actually like her.

El, what's going on?

One life-altering crisis at a time.

What do you wanna do about the princess?

It's your choice.

I just want what's best for you.

Hey!

I went to the exact spot.
No castle... nothing there.

- It has to be some other dongs.
- There are no more dongs.

That's the only spot
the castle could be.

Yeah, well, it doesn't make
any sense unless...

God, please don't let me
be wrong about this.

You guys have been so royally fucked with.

You won't believe where
you've been this whole time.

Okay.

Now you only get one shot, okay?

So remember, you have to tell the truth.

I've got this, Quentin.

- Relax.
- Okay.

Oh...

Alice...

she needed a strong female role model.

She was so lucky to have me for that.

You have to tell the truth.

But that is the truth.

Alice was complicated.

She never figured out how to be a woman.

That's not the truth... not for Alice.

Don't be ridiculous. This is just Alice

up to her usual tricks.

She was always so hard on me.

This is not about you.

Will you just for once in your life

put yourself in your daughter's shoes?

What do you want me to say?

That I never understood her?

And that I never really tried?

I didn't know having a daughter
would be this hard.

I resented her sometimes.

I...

- I j... I just need a minute.
- No.

- I...
- No.

Come on, we've gotta finish it.
Stephanie!

Ugh.

Idiot.

I cast a niffin summoning
and you didn't come.

How? Why?

You're wrong.

I was right there.

Oh, Quentin.

We're gonna have so much fun,

just like we did with my parents.

I killed you. My cacodemon...

Your cacodemon wasn't
powerful enough to kill me.

It tried, but when it saw
that it couldn't win...

well, let's just say it stuffed
me in a place most convenient.

That stupid tattoo trap on your back.

We're stuck with each other.

Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Oh! Oh, God.

Too slow. Sorry.

Dana... in the flesh.

I'd heard you were dead.

You hid well. I'm impressed.

What happened? You slipped up.

I think you have some apologizing to do.

Don't you?

I have reached my decision.

I will marry the Prince of Loria,

on one condition.

I want a tour of his kingdom right now.

Wedding first, then a tour.

Last tree, and done.

Oh, no.

No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.

This is the worst day of my life.

I know, right? Crazy illusion magic.

So, hey, what do you think
about making that...

Map.

- You drew it for me.
- Yes.

I made an exception.

Thank you.

- You're still batshit crazy, man.
- I heard that.

Margo, please.

- You fucked with us.
- Mm-hmm, yes, he did.

- You fucked with our castle.
- Amen, sister.

And now we're gonna put our Jimmy Choos

so far up your ass,
you're gonna taste next season.

Exactly, whatever that means.

Because the High King and I

hereby declare war
on the kingdom of Loria.

Yes!

Wait...

Really?