The Magicians (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Cheat Day - full transcript

Quentin is back to his 'normal' and trying to get over Alice's death. Penny is searching for a cure for his hands at that "igloo nuts", Julia tries to get rid of her baby. In Fillory things aren't well as someone is trying to kill the king.

- Previously on
"The Magicians"...

- You may address me
as Reynard the fox,

trickster of the faithful,
the very stupid.


- You must be Marina.

- I need you to tell me
about the thing that killed you.

- There was a girl.

40 years ago, she vanished
Reynard from earth.

- Charlie, my brother,
he was really, really good.

You know that spell I did
on the first day of class

with the glass horse?
He taught me that.

- I fell for this professor.
He was married.

I thought I could
make him love me again

if I could
make myself prettier.

I really believed he might
actually be able

to undo what I did.

It burned until he wasn't
there anymore.

I gave up magic
and never looked back.

- [Yelping]


- No!

Alice is gone.

There's a creature,

she's called the white lady.

- I want my hands back.


- Alice Quinn.
Bring her back to life.

- I can't.

Is there nothing else
you desire?

- Send me home.

- I spoke with professor lipson

about the tests she ran.

But I'm sorry to say that

we don't even know
where to start.

- Okay, is this a normal candle
or what...

Of course.

You cure your own hands
just fine, but mine,

you can't do
a fucking thing about, huh?

- Broken or not,
my hands are my hands.

Yours are something else.

There's nothing we can do.

- And brakebills
continues its tradition

of fucking my shit.

- There's nothing
we can do here.

There are other options.

One, I send you to someone
who may know more.

- Yes. Who is it?

- Professor mayakovsky.

- The drunk perv
in the igloo?


What's option two?

- Hmm, well,
you won't have to worry

about your hands
or magic at all.

It's actually where
I sent Quentin.

- Where's Quentin?

- So we finally get
to the cashier and guess what.

- Hmm?
- I left my wallet in the car.

- Oh, man.
- Talk about bad timing.

- Yeah.

Hey, does donut house,
does that taste like donuts?

- I just use that thing
for soup.

- Soup?

What the fuck?

[Computer chimes]

[Eerie music]

♪ ♪

[wind howling]

[Metal clanging,

- Hello?

[Clanging, hammering]

Professor mayakovsky?



Hey! Hey, let me down!

I'm a student!

[Clanging, hammering]


- "Chicago register."
July '76.

- You know, dead or not,
Marina could have been

a little more specific.

I still don't know
what I'm looking for.

- Look, banishing Reynard had to
take an insane amount of energy.

So any sort of strange event
or operation.

- Yeah, that's literally
the definition of "news."

- We'll know it when we see it.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

I need some fuel.

[Sighs] Okay.

- [Gags]
- You okay?

- [Coughing]

- Is that
the second time today?

- Third.

- Here.

Oh, god, Jules, i...

- Fuck!
- Hey.

- Fuck.
- Hey, come on, come on.

Hey, sit.
- Why?

Why won't it just end?

Why does it just keep getting
worse and worse?

- I'm so sorry.

- Whatever's...
What's the spell

to terminate it or whatever?

- I mean, there's stuff out
there, but it's all shady,

dark ages shit from before
modern medicine.

You don't cauterize
a paper cut

with a crazy,
medieval blowtorch.

- Sounds like exactly
what I wanna do.

- Not if it erases
your uterus and kidneys

along with the fetus.

- Jesus.

- Hey, it's... it's okay.

Jules, this is a simple,
totally mundane procedure.

- Is it? 'Cause it might not
be a simple,

totally mundane human embryo.

I mean...

I don't even know if it's
Reynard's or Richard's.

- Right now, it is just
a clump of cells.

Okay, so, let's just
put a pin in all this, okay?

We'll make an appointment.

- Your majesty.
It's ready.

- At the very least, I hope you
solved the carbonation issue.

We had to dump that last glass
in another world, you know.

Still bubbling.

Oh, the miles we must walk.

- My king.
I have the best news.

- If that rabbit
was a prosecco, I'd agree.

- This isn't just a rabbit.

- Pregnant.
- Jesus.

- We're going to be parents.

- That rabbit knows if you're...

- Pregnant.
- Okay, okay.

- You're not smiling.
- I'm sorry.

It's just... you see...
- pregnant.

- Okay, rabbit! Chill.

Ah, ah! Where do you think
you're going?

It may suck all the moisture
from my tongue,

but damned if I'm not going
to toast to this shit.

To our violently attractive


- Hey, yo!
Yo, let me down, okay?

What the fuck is this shit?

- What do you want?

- My hands can't
cast spells anymore.

- This is not mayakovsy's home
for magically inert.

But maybe an exchange.

- What do you got in mind?

- I'm in the middle of project.

Help me, I do what I can.

- I'm in.
- Okay.

[Fingers snap]


- Is everybody out here
really so lifeless?

- Yes. We are, we are.
That's why we drink.

- Well, I drink just fine
as a magician.

- Yeah, because your world
was so overwhelming and scary

and you needed a break
from it all.

Now you're gonna drink

because each day
is so goddamn dull

and that takes
a lot more booze.

- You ever cast anymore?

- God, no.

- Sorry, that was stupid.

- No, it's okay.

I mean, nobody ever
gives up magic

because everything's peachy.

You wanna tell me?

- Uh...
- I'm sorry.

No. I shouldn't have asked.

I can see that it's recent.

It's fucking madness.

Teaching that stuff to kids.
I mean... Kids.

- It's like, what's the point?
You know?

'Cause it feels like for every
one thing that we fix,

five shitty things
spring up in its place.

- Because each spell
is just another complication.

- That we cast
another spell to fix.

- Repeat, repeat, repeat.

- Until there's no spell left
and you're just...

You're left with...
- a big fucking problem.

Oh, shit.
I have a meeting in 15.

- Ooh.

[Light whooshing]

I'm sorry.
That was just reflex.

Uh, that... i... um...

- Just... just put this
on the company card.

They won't notice.

- [Sighs]

- I am happy.

Yay, a baby.

- Eliot, what is this about?

I really wanna know.

- [Sighs]
My father was not the best...

- Wine, your majesty.

- Bad dad.

So I suppose I don't
exactly have the proper,

uh, uh...

Template to...

- [Screams]

- Quiet!

You are not welcome here,
child of earth.

- Eliot!

- [Groaning]

- [Grunting]

- Wait.

- This is not over,
child of earth.

- Dungeon.

- What the hell
was that about?

- I tried expressing
my emotions.

Lesson learned.

- Shittiest security ever.

- So what are we
supposed to do?

Ship 'em back to loria?
- Actually, your highness,

he's not from loria.

- He's a native fillorian.

- My own people
are trying to kill me?

So French.

- They're commoners.
Not to worry.

- Oh, whoa, whoa.
I'm worried.

- I urge
a public execution, today.

- Might I suggest

For the symbolism.

- We don't wish
to fall to his level.

The bed of a thousand spikes
should do just fine.

- [Whispering indistinctly]

- Her slowness suggests tying
each of his limbs to a centaur,

and as they stretch him,
inch by inch,

a fifth centaur sets the spike,
if you will.

- Jesus, no.

Everyone out. This is a matter
for the queen and me.

- That sloth is psychotic.

- It's all psychotic.

Did you hear how tick
said "commoners"?

- When we're the least snobby
people in a room,

there's something wrong
with the room.


- Yes?

- I wanted to apologize.

I'm sorry, um...

- Okay.


- I just... i don't know
if you accepted my apology.

- Yes.

- Okay.
- Actually, no.

No, I don't.

We had just talked about
how terrible magic is,

and then you went and did it.

- It was just a tiny spell.

- There are a lot
of companies like this.

I'm sure fogg can find
another one for you.


- Okay.

[Mouse clicking]

- They're useless, right?

- Well, maybe not useless.

You can still grab hold
of things, wave hello,

rub away a lonely night.

- Okay, but for magic?

- For magic? Useless.

How was your travel?

- Fine.

Aim's good. I just can't
take people with me.

- Some might
call that blessing.

- Yeah, well the option
would be nice, so...

I mean, can you help me?
What are we doing here?

- I can help you.

But first,
your end of deal.

Take out all the knots.

- What the hell?

- Ms. wicker.
- Uh, Julia.

- The test was positive.

If you'd like, we can
discuss your options.

- I want an abortion.
- Okay.

That's something that we can
perform here in office.

- Great. Uh, today?

- Unfortunately, we do have
a waiting list,

but it should just be
a couple of days.

- Days?

Doctor, I can't wait
a couple of days.

Please, i...

- if I suspect abuse,
I'm obligated to report it.

Julia, you're safe here.

You can talk about
what happened.

No one is above the law.
- [Laughs]

Ah, sorry.

I wish that were true.

Look, I just want this
to be over,

and you can help me.


- Okay.

We'll set you up
for an ultrasound today.

Tomorrow, you can perform
the procedure.

We open at 8:00.

- Thank you.
- See you then.

[Door clicks closed]

. - Hi.

- Leave.

- You don't get to say that.
- And why not?

- Uh, because
you're in our castle.

- Which is on my land.

- Uh, excuse me,
my manners.

I'm eliot,
high king of fillory.

- And I'm bayler, a proud
soldier of fillorians united.

A fu fighter.

- Did you say, "foo fighter"?
- Margo, behave.

- We will not rest until a
fillorian sits upon the throne.

- Okay, tell Ember.

He issued the decree.

- We will execute
every child of earth

that crosses into our land until
there are none left to kill.

- [Laughs]
- And yet, you laugh.

- I mean, a foo fighter?
- Margo.

If we execute him,
then he's a martyr.

- Shit.

When was the last time
either of us dealt with

a political insurgency?

- Unless getting kicked out
of a fivesome counts.

First for me.
- Same.

I'm thinking we should
probably bone up.

- Like, study?

- I'll grab what I can from
the brakebills library.

- [Groans] Fine.

And grab some Adderall
while you're there.

- Okay, I'm done.

Oh, shit! What?
Do not... don't... please...

Don't sneak up on me
like that.

- This is my house.

- Look, I finished untying
your bondage kit.

You gonna teach me now?

- You finish first step.

Next... The table.

- What about it?

- You make it sawdust.

Do not worry.
I give you tool.


- [Sputters]

- What are you
still doing here?

- I'm just finishing up.

- Gonna jerk it?

Break in the office?
- No.

What? No, I'm...

- it's the only place I can.

Wife and two kids?
No privacy at home.

- I'm not doing that...


- Just saying.
It's no judgment.


[Door rattles closed]

- I owe you an apology
for being a bitch.

- Could you knock, please?


- What? Were you masturbating
in your office?

- No!

- Whatever. I do.

- What is this place?

- [Sighs]

- I'm sorry, again,
about the spell, i...

- I'm sorry
for making you feel sorry.

It was just a stupid spell.

- Thank you.

- Want some?

Vodka. Bit of lime.

You should stay.

Forget what I said earlier.

I think we'd be good friends.

- I would like that.

- What the hell are we
still doing in the office?

Let's get out of here.

- Mm.
- Finish that.

Come on.
- Okay.

- Yes!

Torrent downloaded by RARBG

- Take a break.

No trick, no test.
I promise.

That's it?

Take your balls out
of your purse and drink.

- No, if we're gonna talk
about what we did,

then we have to call it
what it is.

It's stupid.
It's so fucking stupid.

It's the stupidest
I've ever fucking been.

- Reynard set us up.

- Yeah, but I should have
known better.

You know, I knew the difference
between magic and miracles.

One is real and one is
a lie with sparkles.

Like a nice female god was
gonna glide in and save...

It sounds so naive
to ever believe in that.

- Look, there is
one way through this,

and that is to find out
what happened 40 years ago.

- Yeah, and banish the fuck
out of Reynard.

- Yeah, so let's just get this
pesky abortion out of the way,

and that's next on the list.

- I know this is
a straightforward procedure.

It's probably, you know,
the simplest thing

I've had to deal with
in months.

But I am nervous.

- I had one.

He was a drummer.

And he said he couldn't
get it up with a condom.


I... i remember the night before.

It... i felt...

I felt lonely.

- Yeah.

- But you're not alone.

I'm your best bitch,

- Yeah.

- Okay, your turn.
Truth or dare.

- Truth.

- Do you still
blame yourself?

- Shit. Okay.

- Sorry, no.

I think I'm drunker
than I think I am.

Was that a sentence?

- No, I said truth.

So do you know what happened?

- I mean, just what
Alice told me.

That you changed your face
for a professor

and it got screwed up
and Charlie tried to save you.

- Yeah, that's the gist.

How is Alice?

- Uh, Alice is dead.

- I don't blame myself.

Except for when
I first wake up...

And when I go to bed

and all the time
in between.

Your turn.

- Dare.

- Dare.


- [Laughs]

My dare is to smoke weed?

It's very middle school.

- Oh, oh.

Do you know...

Do you know
weizenheim's third?

It's a tiny, little
weather suspension spell.

- I thought you didn't...
- I don't.

This doesn't count.

Today's a cheat day.

- Right.

- Oh, the trick to this one
is that you enchant your lips.

And you're a smoke artiste.
- Mm. Okay.

- Your turn.

Don't, like, burn yourself.

- Okay, how do you do it?
- Oh, um...

Okay, let me.


You're a fucking dork.
- [Laughs]

You're just jealous that
I'm such a quick study.

[Clears throat]
- Yeah.


- What is that?

- [Whispers] This one's
my favorite.

- That's my favorite, too.

- Come on in.

- Okay.

Emily greenstreet,

living the loft life,

- Yeah.
- [Laughs]

Wine opener?

- One of those drawers.
One of the...

- wine opener.

Ahh, wine opener, wine opener.

- Hey.

I wanna do a spell.

- Why don't we keep drinking

and make some really,
really bad decisions?

That sounds, I don't know,
kind of fun.

- Yeah. You'll like it.

- Mm.
- Come on.

Cheat day.

- The defenestration
. Of Prague.

- No, you already said that.

- There were two.
- Mm.

- Look, any hope you had
of saving this guy

is out the window.

Like the guys in Prague.

- Shit.

- Eliot, we said we'd do
whatever actually works.

- Fine. We'll tell the council
in the morning.

But I'll do it.

The man's life
is my burden to bear.

- Get over yourself,
ned stark.

Ned stark.

- Do you even like magic?

- Yeah, like...

Like I like money or food
or any other useful shit.

- Money and food
don't explode in your face.

You came to brakebills
only to ease your suffering.

The voices.
It was all chore and burden.

But you saved yourself,


Maybe you're simply done.

Now's your chance.
Walk away.

- Why? Chance at what?

- Few years of happy life.

- [Laughs]

- There is bad surprise
in store for everyone.

- What surprise?

- Energy current
should be constant.

- But it's not.

- There is something
happening to magic.

- The wellspring in fillory.

- The current is sputtering.
- And they're trying to fix it.

- Maybe it's going
to disappear.

If that's the case...
- Shit could get real.

- If magic goes, it will be
very bad time to be magician,

so consider the advantage
of getting out now.

- All right.
Okay, thank you.

I'll meditate on it.

Right now, I'm staying.

- Then you're just fancy scarf
wrapped around an idiot.

- You know what?
If it's so bad, you get out!

You leave, I'll leave.

- I cannot leave.
Thanks for reminder.

- What... what,
you're trapped here?

- Remarkably like that.

Incorporate bond.

Even I cannot break.

- Why?

What did you do?

- I'm not drunk enough
to talk about it.


I make love to many students.

And then I fucked
the wrong one.


- They sent you here?

- It was that...

Or give up magic.

- Like you're telling me to.
- Yes.

I made my choice.

- Wakey, wakey.

You have 15 minutes
to save your life.

Tell me,
if you were in charge,

how would the fu fighters
fix fillory?

- It's an illusion spell.

Party trick, really.
It'll only last

as long as your skin's wet.

You first.

- Yeah. You know, this is
the weirdest foreplay.

- Oh, my god. Stop.

Robe off!


Whoa, what is that?

- Oh, right, uh...

- You joined some kinda gang?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Hop in.


[Speaking coptic]

- [Quentin's voice]
Did it work?

Oh, shit.

- Don't judge me, please.

- I'm not. I'm just
putting it all together.

You, Charlie.

That's why he's
at brakebills south.

I mean, I had
a lot of theories.

- Shh.

You're ruining it.

Just tell me what you think
when you look at me.

And can you maybe try
a Russian accent?

- You didn't wanna...

- This is what I miss the most.


Your turn.

[Water running]

- It's her.

- [Emily's voice]
It's your memories.

Anything you wanna say?

- I just really
fucking miss you.

[Light music]

♪ ♪

. - [sighs]


Is that?
- Yeah.

Um, hey, i...
I've gotta get home.


I had a good time.

- You don't have to go.
We can do it again.

- You said yesterday
was cheat day.

You can't...

You can't cheat every day.

- I won't tell.

- [Sighs]
No, I don't want to.

- So, what, you're...
Done with me?

I... i was helping you.

- That's not what I said.

- Tell me, then.
What are you saying?

- Last night was...

It felt really good,
and it was...

Probably exactly what I needed,
but I...

It was also really weird and sad
and I feel awful.

I feel worse than before.

- Apologies
for my terrible life.

- I just don't wanna
use magic like that.

I'm sorry for
everything you lost.

I'll see you at work.

[Door thuds closed]

- It is after much deliberation
that I have decided...

We will not
execute the prisoner.

- What?

- Your majesty, I'm...
- [Whispering indistinctly]

- It is in fillory's
best interest.

- We agreed to have the prisoner
executed today.

- We did.
But I changed my mind.

- Well, I didn't.

And I'm high queen.

- The queen may
voice her opinion,

but ultimate judgment
belongs to the king.

- So this is what
the patriarchy smells like?

It's not the freshest.

You are a king.
Act like it.

- I'm not just a king.

Fen's pregnant.

[People murmuring]
I'm gonna be a father.


And I would like
to raise my child

in a world that does not just
kill its problems away.

We hear them and we
address them accordingly.

- That is fucking stupid.

You wanna rule a kingdom?
Guess what.

People are gonna die
no matter what.

Just trying to make sure
that it isn't you, okay?

- Julia, I'll check you in.

Dr. Higgins will be
ready shortly.


I'm sorry, you're not in here.

- Excuse me?

- You don't have
an appointment.

- The doctor gave me one.
I mean, there must be a mistake.

- I'm sorry, but without an
appointment, I can't let you in.

- Look, it's wicker.
Julia wicker.

You just said my name
two seconds ago.

Can you just pick up the phone
and ask her?

- Doctor, there's a woman
claiming she's a patient.

No, she doesn't.

Uh, Julia wicker.

But, doctor...


You can go ahead.
- Yeah, thanks.

- I'll be right here.

. - No geese!



You finish table.
Good work.

- Yeah, so can we get to this?

Enough "karate kid" bullshit.

- Not bullshit.

Ask yourself a question:

What will a magician need
if dark days come?

Answer: Magic.

But if it is gone,
it is gone, you say.

Not so, if you store it
like a battery.

That's what I am building.

Those knots?

Old class project,
tied with magic.

That table, stained
through with magic.

You release the energy,
I store it for rainy day.

- So my hands, are you
gonna teach me or what?

- You can travel to fillory.

- It's the worst place
in the universe, yeah.

- You go there.
Get this.

- Moss. You need moss.

- It's amazing.
Can carry current.

- Do not care.

I'll get it.

- [Chuckles]

- Gods, it's good to see you.

- You asshole!

You come here with no warning

and try to kill my husband.

- Of course I did.

I thought you were waiting.

- I'm not a fu fighter anymore.

You always knew
that one day I'd have to...

- marry him, yes, and then
you'd be here, on the inside.

You can't tell me that you don't
care about fillory anymore.

- I'm pregnant.

- Then for the child.
- What?

- All I ask is you get us
information we need to...

- bayler!

- Did I say "ask"?

I meant help us.

Or I go to your king
and tell him exactly how well

I know his wife.

- Then I'll tell him myself.

- Word travels fast
about the high king.


Easily wounded.

Try it and see.

Or help the cause.


- If the fu fighters
make another move,

I'll kill you myself.

- That should do it.

How are you feeling?

- Like I finally understand why
people take these kind of drugs.

- Okay, we'll start
the procedure.

You may feel some cramping,

and that's perfectly normal.

- What... what's wrong?

- [Sighs] Morning cobwebs.
Excuse me.

Just relax.
- Okay.

What are you doing?




Stop it! Wait!
- I can't.

- Stop!
What are you doing? No!

[Stabbing sound]

- [Crying]

- Kady!
- [Gasping]

[Gasping] I can't...
- Stop!

- [Screaming]

- Oh, my god.

Holy fuck.

Oh, my...

- Do it.
- What?

- Do it. You have wards.

The thing, it got to her.
Just get it out of me, kady.

- Julia, that is a dead body.

We need to get rid of it
right now.

Fuck, Jules.

We will find another way.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Light piano music]

♪ ♪

[no audible dialogue]

♪ ♪

[engine revving]

♪ ♪