The Magicians (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Impractical Applications - full transcript

The First Years are thrust into the old Brakebills tradition of The Trials, a midterm-slash-hazing ritual in which failing means flunking out for good. Meanwhile, in Brooklyn, Julia meets a fellow blacklisted Hedge Witch.


- Previously on
"The Magicians..."
- I knew The Beast
would come.
Get strong, learn fast,
any means is necessary.
- So that's it? That's all
you're gonna say to me?
- I got into the school
and you didn't.
I don't know what else to say.
- Marina is a psycho.
- You think Brakebills
cut you off from magic?
You don't know cut off.
- [screams]
- Now the spells are missing
so I can keep going.
I want the new ones
that she stole.
- They're locked
in the filing cabinet.
- You are a traveler.
- You can move between worlds.
- Had the lecture yet on
sticking with astral projection?
It works by binding your body
to Earth.
Won't make the voices go away,
but it might keep you alive.
- [shuddering]
- [gasping]
- All I can say is
it was some kind of dungeon.
- This was in the walls.
- Penny, I think you were
in Fillory.
You were in Fillory.
You were in Fillory--
- Stop!
Okay? Fillory is just a--
- Did you see any animals?
Did they talk to you?
- I was at some dungeon,
you Hobbit-loving freak.
What's wrong with you?
- There are no Hobbits
in Fillory.
It--It doesn't matter.
Ah, the drawing, the crest,
it means that you were
in a certain Fillorian castle.
- Kill me.
- It was built by dwarves.
Ah, okay, let's not get
caught up in the details.
The--the point is that
the--it's full of a--
a ton of incredibly
magical shit.
- Oh, yeah, The Beast
is really fuááing magical.
Let me pop back over there
and see if he does
birthday parties.
Let's go.
It's a waste of time.
- I think you should listen
to Quentin.
Because I'm assuming
you didn't travel to Fillory
on some planned vacation.
So you don't know
how to control it yet.
Then educate yourself.
Nobody knows more about Fillory
than Quentin.
What if you end up back
there again?
- She makes a point.
[tense music]
- Okay, fanboy.
Tell me what it says
in the books
about not getting my face
eaten by The Beast.
- [stuttering]
The Beast isn't in the books.
- How's that, if I was right
there staring him in the face?
- The Chatwins, they mostly
get chased around
by this Time Witch,
the Watcher Woman.
She plants clocks in trees.
Ah, it's sort of surrealist.
- Okay, I take it back.
This is a waste of your time.
- The books were
written for kids,
so maybe they skipped
the monster
that rips out people's eyes.
I don't know!
- Okay.
We're done here.
You love Fillory so much,
I hope you get to go.
I really do.
♪ ♪
- I guess I've been trying
to convince myself that
Penny's somehow
wrong about Fillory
despite having
actually been there.
That's a pretty acrobatic
form of denial.
- I really am sorry.
I'm sure Fillory got you
through a lot as a kid.
- Yeah.
As a kid...
- Sorry, the manager
isn't in right now.
Would you like
to place an order?
- I know you know who I am.
Look, I'm sorry
I insulted you guys.
But just who talked to you?
Marina? Pete?
- I'm going to call the cops.
- God, Rick, grow a pair!
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.
Please.
I don't know anyone else.
[dramatic music]
I'm not done with you.
Consider it as a warning.
♪ ♪
- Julia.
Julia, wait.
Just, just, wait.
Marina, okay?
No one wants a war.
Here.
It's about an hour by train.
Went there couple years back.
They're real.
They are good.
Just give them a try,
but...
Please, don't come
back here again.
♪ ♪
[synthpop music]
♪ ♪
- How'd you learn
all this anyway?
- Me and a friend got deep
into ink spells in high school.
It's not the Mona Lisa,
but...
I do have 20/20 vision
in the dark.
- And where was
all this exactly?
- I told you.
I'm basically from the 'burbs.
- Actually, you never say
a damn thing about your life.
- 'cause it's boring.
- What flavor of boring?
[machine buzzing]
- My mom died young.
And...
My dad is
kind of embarrassing.
He wears Birkenstocks
and he sells weed.
But he loves me no matter
what kind of trouble I get in.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah.
So, this symbol, it do anything
for the mind slut shit?
- Yeah, you know,
Brakebills is good.
Everyone knows how to pull
their blinds down, you know?
- Yeah.
- I still hear her, though.
That girl from the dungeon...
I can't shut her out.
I just file that under
"Wish there was jack shit
I could do about it."
- Yeah.
- Or were you talking
about The Beast?
If I was you,
I'd be curious.
He's full-on AWOL,
not a peep.
So, I get this,
and I don't poke the bear.
Let's just hope the bear
has better shit to do.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- Shit, shit, shit.
♪ ♪
- Hey!
[metal clattering]
- [gasping]
- Why are you following me,
lady?
- Easy.
I just want to show you.
I'm just like you.
[tense music]
[whimsical music]
♪ ♪
[floor creaking]
- Hello?
Is someone being creepy
on purpose?
[thumping]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[creaking]
♪ ♪
- Secure the sacrifice!
- Oh, God damn it.
No!
[both screaming]
[shuddering]
- Oh, Manon!
We offer up this virgin.
Flesh and blood.
- Jesus, I'm not a virgin.
- Huh.
Life is full of surprises.
- What the hell, Margo?
- Follow, follow.
Hurry, hurry.
- Ow. Guys, the pine needles
are hurting my feet.
- Shh.
- Ow, ow.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Hello, first years.
At this appointed hour,
as tradition dictates,
it falls upon the upper class
to administer what is known
simply as "The Trials."
♪ ♪
The Trials test your ability
to think and act
like a Magician.
Pass, your journey begins.
Fail, you flunk out.
This is a test engineered
to thin out the herd.
Only those who should
will survive.
Oh, nut up,
this isn't Harvard.
It requires actual effort.
And don't bother to go
complaining to the faculty.
They're off
on a luxurious retreat,
observing from a distance.
You are ours, miscreants.
Onward to glory!
- Come on.
Go!
Go!
[all screaming]
- Move, move, move!
- Hurry up.
[all screaming]
♪ ♪
- Name, please.
- Alice Quinn.
- Hmm.
Let me see.
Alice Quinn.
- Wow, you're really enjoying
this aren't you?
- I have no idea
what you're talking about.
The Trials themselves
have the power, Alice.
They will pass or fail you
as the Dean created them to.
I merely keep a little eye
on each and everyone of you.
Ah, there you are.
Report to the table
on your placard.
Good luck.
Next!
♪ ♪
- Say one word about Fillory
and I'll kill you.
Don't get me kicked out.
- Well, then we'd
finally be even.
- Now I get it.
- Get what?
- Why our team name is
"Horny Chupacabras."
- I'm not a...
[stuttering]
I don't even know
what a "chupacabra" is.
- It's a spine-covered
goat-sucking primate
indigenous to Mexico.
I can already see
we are immensely handicapped
by your presence.
- [laughs]
- In 18th century England,
a secret society
known as "The Brethren"
encrypted hundreds of spells
to hide them from the church.
You may open your blue books.
[tense music]
Each team must decode and cast
their spell by 9:00 a.m.
Screw up,
and it's back to page one.
FYI, this test
is pretty much impossible.
Begin!
♪ ♪
- Back in the day,
we'd travel the world.
We'd pay for spells,
trade for 'em.
And they weren't all the most
ambitious Hedges you ever saw,
but we looked out
for each other.
It was like family.
First family I really felt
I belonged in, actually.
- Okay, so what do you
want exactly?
- Well...
You know, our story with Marina,
it's not rare.
I have seen her chew people up
and spit them out.
- Then what? You swoop in,
you buy us a milkshake?
Come on.
[scoffs]
- Not till today.
You are the first I believe
can really do things,
if...
given the opportunity
to learn.
I mean, I can feel it
coming off you.
You're not an amateur.
You're the real thing.
[dramatic music]
- Yeah, well,
some think so, some do not.
- Well, I think
we can help each other.
- How?
♪ ♪
- [clears throat]
It's not much,
but, you know, they'll be
new to you, I think.
- Wait a minute.
How did you--
- All over.
- Where did you--
- You don't want to know.
But you're welcome to 'em.
- In exchange for what?
- Just do some with me.
I miss the feeling, you know.
♪ ♪
[fingers snapping]
- Welcome...
à la Safe House Julia.
- Can you make it colder?
Girl, you're strong!
- Shit.
Was this the last of them?
- I'm afraid so.
Well, hey,
we'll hit the road.
Right? Find new stuff.
Try, at least.
- But you know who has
a ton of new stuff?
Marina.
'Cause she got
her memories back.
I helped her do it.
- She has...
- Brakebills.
So she has everything.
- We're screwed.
How much time
do we have left?
- I don't know.
Who knows how to read
an hourglass?
This is impossible.
Even Eliot said
it was impossible.
Wait, it's impossible.
- Actually he said, it was
practically impossible.
But maybe some genius
can do this.
So what?
Geniuses can be magicians?
- Yeah.
- Really?
We have to cheat.
They want us to.
We've been Kobayashi Maru'd.
- Whatever that means,
yes.
- No.
No way.
- You're an idiot.
We're cheating.
- Why would--
Why would they want us
to cheat?
- Because we're magicians.
- No. No.
They're just want to see
how far we can get.
- There is no such a thing
as half a spell.
- You guys are insane.
- Supply closet.
Five minutes.
I've got a plan.
- Oh, man.
They really upped
the security since my day.
How much do you know
about those wards?
- Enough to know
they're strong.
But not enough
to break them, so...
- What do you think would happen
if we just ran in there
and grabbed the filing cabinet?
- [laughs]
Oh, yeah, sure.
You ever see the movie
"Scanners"?
- Oh.
- There's a way.
There's always a way.
Do you have a pen?
- Here.
[dramatic music]
- Mm, what we need...
Think of it like a fishhook.
We grab the cabinets
from the room,
without tripping wards.
- There's wards
all over the room.
- Yeah, in this dimension, sure.
The one thing I can't figure out
is how to get the hook in.
You know, we need someone
inside for that.
And I sort of burned
all my bridges with that.
You think we can pay
someone off?
- No.
I know someone.
Okay, here is the question.
Do you believe
what you said earlier,
that a genius could solve
this by dawn?
- Well yeah, I mean,
if they were--
- Alice Quinn?
- If anyone, she could.
- Can you read her mind?
- No.
Unlike you, she's airtight.
But I can do one better.
[lively mysterious music]
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
- Just light the fuááing thing.
♪ ♪
- Nicely done.
Perfect execution.
Too bad I know you cheated.
Congratulations, you two,
and on to the second trial.
- Well, what about--
- Thinning the herd.
- So, are you gonna tell me
who we're meeting?
- Yeah, she--she's not
a hedge witch exactly.
Well, her and I have
some history.
So, I think--
- What do you mean by "history"?
- Hey, chickadee.
- Mom, you shouldn't be here.
- Ah, this is your daughter.
- What's she doing here?
- She's a friend.
Okay, come on, babe, please.
Sit.
How are you?
How you've been?
- Just tell me
what you want, Mom.
- I want to give you something.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah, my birthday
was seven months ago.
- Kady, look, I was not
in a good place
the last time you saw me,
- but my shit's together now.
- Oh, is it?
Is that why you're hanging out
with the angriest bitch
from the safe house?
- Oh, if you want to insult me,
try again.
- Just--
Listen.
I called because Julia and I
have a line on something.
- Oh, my God,
here we go again.
- We're gonna start
our own house.
Nothing crazy,
but it'll be safe...
from Marina.
So come with us.
- Oh, my God, you're insane.
You actually think
that you can beat her.
- Hey, Marina's strong,
but so are we.
Nothing like that
at school, huh?
Protection charm.
It'll render a house
literally invisible.
- You know,
the amazing thing
is you actually believe
that this plan could work.
Marina will never let me go.
Ever.
Oh, did Hannah give you
the whole sob history?
- Kady.
- No, no.
Marina didn't betray my mom.
She cleaned up her mess.
Yeah, Hannah, she wanted
to steal something.
Big heist, right?
Except she can't handle
her shit under pressure
and two people died.
Cut to now,
Marina gets to demand that
I steal shit
ten times a week.
Yeah, no big.
Don't call me again.
- Hey, you can't take that.
- Let her have it.
- No, we need it.
- So does she.
If I had more,
I'd give you more.
- Yeah.
But you don't.
- You sold your daughter
to Marina?
- No.
Marina stole her.
- Yeah, because of a really
bad judgment call that you made.
- She said she had my back.
This is not black and white.
- Yeah, well, Kady sure seems
to think that it is.
- If this goes how we want,
I can fix that too.
- If this--
Do you hear yours--
"If this works out"?
I'm out.
- Oh, no, you don't.
You do not cut me off.
My daughter just got brought
into this.
- And I will share with you
everything I can.
But it is better that
I see this through alone.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- This looks like a home brew.
Where did you get it?
- Found it inside
an old textbook.
- [sighs]
It looks underwhelming.
So how's Professor March's
research going?
- Look, I tried, but he won't
take on first year assistants.
- Well, you're just his type.
So I'm sure
you'll figure it out.
- "But where is the door,
Martin?
"There is always a door
to Fillory
"when we really need it,
"in the clock or the closet...
or my panties..."
Come on, celebrate.
You passed,
you dirty cheater.
What's the problem?
Speak.
- No offense,
you're just not exactly--
- Warm and cuddly?
I know.
- You ever want
something so badly
and then realize that it's
nothing like what you thought?
And maybe that you are stupid
for ever actually
even wanting it.
- Every guy I've ever
slept with.
- Fillory is real.
- Oh, come on.
- It is.
Penny is a traveler.
And he went there.
And...
it's real.
You look like your head's
about to pop off.
- I loved those books.
- You did?
- Why so surprised?
I'd pretend I was Ambassador
to the Fillorian Outer Islands.
- But the real thing,
it's not like the story.
- So, what, it's actually
totally shitty over there?
- I don't know.
Maybe.
Yes.
At least a little.
The thing that attacked us
that ripped the Dean's eyes out,
seems like it might be
from Fillory.
- Jesus.
That is not tonally consistent
with the books.
- No, it's not.
And that--
I just--I--
I find that...
devastating.
- Were you planning
a trip there?
No. Really.
Because, otherwise,
you're literally
torturing yourself
over a fairy tale.
Quentin,
you passed the first trial.
You live to fight another day.
Drink up.
Go to the party.
Find someone to bang.
Celebrate the world you're in,
dummy.
Come on!
[chuckles]
- Okay.
Wow, I'm a little--
I am very--
Wow, I'm really, ah--
Margo, did you roofie me?
[dance music playing]
music]
♪ ♪
- Can we just skip down
to where you realize
you no makey magic here?
[laughs maliciously]
Oh, cucumber.
Daddy's favorite.
And too much dill.
There they all are.
All those little fishies,
just like us.
Eating, shitting, breeding.
I require one.
It's over there.
Chop, chop.
I am literally losing
the will to live.
- So, this is my next test?
I'm supposed to...
spear a fish?
- Do your lips move
when you read?
♪ ♪
- Seriously? One arrow?
Eliot!
♪ ♪
[horse breathing heavily]
[neighing]
- Bring him to me.
- Why?
- I want to get
my Catherine the Great on.
Google it.
Totally hilarious.
Oh, and to help you out...
- No.
Just no.
Okay?
- Okay.
Wait.
I'm seeing your future now.
Gay porn?
[gasps]
[chuckles]
Oh, my favorito.
Liver.
[exciting music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Julia!
Julia, stop.
You're gonna blow yourself up.
- I was getting it.
- You really weren't, hon.
- How did you get in?
- I unpicked your ward.
I would go with
Koyosegi next time.
- Thank you for the advice.
Now, can you please leave?
We already agreed that
we're not partners, okay?
- Well, it didn't work.
Because you need
ten extra digits.
- Actually, I don't.
I--
- It's interesting
how you can't look at me.
You know why?
'Cause I'm too familiar.
I mean, we both made mistakes,
we live with them,
we go on,
alone, if we have to.
But you do this alone,
and you will get hurt.
[melancholy music]
Come on.
We can help each other out.
Please.
I want my daughter back.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Kady?
Kady.
Hey, Kady.
Kady, Kady.
- Stop it, stop it.
Stop it. Let go, let go.
- Hey, no, no.
- I have to catch the bird.
- Hey.
This shit is dumb.
The school is not worth it.
- No, I can't, you don't get it.
I can't get kicked out.
- Oh, fuáá!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Jesus.
- Is it broken?
- I don't know.
Ow!
- Let me see, let me see.
- Ow.
- Let me look at it.
It's not broken.
- Look, talk to me.
What's going on?
- Look, it's just--
This is all I have.
- Me too.
- [sobbing]
No, it's different.
I'm different.
Look, I need Brakebills.
It's life or death.
I have to be here.
[sobbing]
- Hey, what are you supposed
to get with that?
- [laughs]
A pheasant.
You?
- A horse.
- These people are crazy.
- Let's go find the others.
Come on.
Yo!
- Whoa!
- [laughs]
- Seriously, dude,
I almost had him.
- We'll get him, son.
It's not about magic,
'cause it's about
talking to each other.
All right, you got that.
But I grew up in Florida,
so I actually know how to use it
to get your fish.
But I'm after a horse.
Seriously?
- What?
Junior Cowboy Camp.
- Pheasant.
- Tree.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
You're bleeding.
- I hated Junior Cowboy Camp.
- Timber!
[rumbling noise]
- Bravo!
- Brava!
Brava.
- That's it, we passed.
- After you chop the tree
into firewood,
whip us up
a little grilled salmon...
- Some honeyed pheasant.
- And take turns
blowing the horse.
[laughter]
[both sighing happily]
[instrumental music]
[both laughing sarcastically]
- Did you see the look
on Quentin's face?
- Like, "Fine,
but I am not going first."
[laughs]
teaches us to be arch
and ironic about magic.
But this one plays it serious.
- You must bare yourself
in the presence
of another magical adept
and expose your highest
governing internal circumstance,
which is to say,
your utmost truth.
You have till midnight.
[tense music]
- Ready?
[both chanting]
♪ ♪
[rumbling sounds]
[lightning crackling]
[dramatic music]
- Oh, shit!
♪ ♪
- Shit.
♪ ♪
No!
[breathing heavily]
- Okay, it's a two person spell.
Both must succeed to unlock it.
You bind your hands
with this rope.
- How am I gonna survive?
- It'll fall off once
you've reached transcendence.
- It's gotta be some kind
of scheme, right?
To record us playing
naked truth or dare,
so they can blackmail us
or something.
- Unfortunately,
Margo wasn't lying.
It's arcane
and a bit unorthodox,
but secrets magic
is a real thing.
Basically, there is no trick
or cheat to this.
It's kind of the exact opposite.
[romantic music]
- [chuckles]
Focus.
- I'm trying.
♪ ♪
- All clear.
Good to go.
- Hey.
[dramatic music]
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, no.
Run.
- Hannah.
Hannah!
You--you said it was all clear.
You said it was gonna be okay.
- Run!
Marina is coming.
- We need to get help.
We need to get help.
- 911.
What is your emergency?
- [gasping]
ll,
but I think it could
make things easier.
- You know, I always thought
when...
I partook in a nude
magic ritual,
that I'd be sort of
in a mystical trance.
- [sighs]
Tell that to the girl
who lost her virginity
with all her clothes on.
Okay.
["Black Out Days"
by Phantogram]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Hide the sun ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I will leave your face out
of my mind ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You should save your eyes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ A thousand voices howling
in my head ♪
♪ ♪
- Okay.
- Okay.
Ah...
I've been institutionalized
more than once.
Maybe we shouldn't drink.
- Or we should drink more.
- Yeah.
- William.
Really?
- Ask me something harder
if you want us to get somewhere.
- ♪ Away, ey, ah
Away, ey, ah ♪
- Ask me why I'm nice to you.
- I had noticed you're a tad
brusque with everyone else.
- And why is that?
♪ ♪
- Penny, you don't have to.
- Look, I'm not...
scared to tell you this
because it's true.
Shit!
Okay.
Truth.
I am scared to tell you this,
because it's true.
I'm falling in love with you.
- ♪ All the stars
are shining bloody red ♪
- I-I can't do this.
I can't--I can't do this.
- Kady, I'm not--
I'm not gonna chase after you.
- You won't have to.
- What does that mean?
- Look, I'm a liar!
Okay?
Okay, I flirted with you
that first day
because you looked useful,
and you were.
We stole a lot of shit,
so there it is.
I've been using you
this entire time.
[tense music]
It's all a lie.
- ♪ Black out days ♪
♪ I don't recognize you
anymore ♪
- [gasping]
- Penny.
both: Five,
four,
three,
two...
[bell ringing]
both: One.
- I need to sit.
I really didn't see
this coming.
- How could you?
You're the best.
- You know what?
I try so hard not to be.
- Why?
- I'm already
pretty damn unpopular.
Can you imagine what
they would think
if they knew how good
I really am?
[dramatic music]
"Spinster magician dies alone,
eaten by cats."
♪ ♪
I always hold back, Quentin.
Every single day.
I mean...
I have no idea
what I'm even capable of.
And I'm just trying so hard
to be anything close to normal.
- My friend Julia said
that I--
I couldn't run away
hard enough.
She's right.
I run and I...
I find secret doors--
Whether I'm alone or in a group,
it doesn't matter.
I--Like, I'm here.
I'm in this amazing place.
I have literal magic in my life
and I'm still running.
I'm still this person
that I fuááing hate.
Sorry.
I think I'm really drunk
right now.
- It's okay, Quentin.
I get it.
- Your ropes are gone.
- Yeah, so are yours.
[suspenseful music]
- [gasping]
Alice, I--
[gasps]
[gasping]
♪ ♪
[birds cawing in distance]