The Magicians (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Mendings, Major and Minor - full transcript

Although everyone should be training for the upcoming Welter's Tournament, the students are each dealing with a personal distraction that keeps them from staying focused.

- Previously
on "The Magicians"...
- You know,
it should have worked.
The spell we did
to contact my brother.
I mean, I went over it,
like, a million times.
- Wait, you don't want
to try it again, do you?
- No! No! No!
- I bind you!
I bind you!
[speaking foreign language]
- Why did you think that
you had to save me?
- He was gonna kill you.
- I'm done here, for good.
You should be happy.
- When are you gonna tell me
what all this is for?
- Bigger, better magic.
Let's go steal their shit.
- He's not gonna wake up ever.
Marina is a psycho.
- You think Brakebills
cut you off from magic?
- Ow!
- You don't know cut off.
- But you can actually move
between worlds.
- If the gift does not
kill you first.
- Please, help me.
- [gasps]
- I have a full schedule today,
- Uh, I just, um--
- The point?
- What's gonna happen to Julia?
- Ah, yes.
Your hedge witch friend.
I'm going to kill her.
- I, uh...
- [laughing]
I'm fu**ing with you,
I'm not going
to do anything to her.
- I thought you would erase her
memory or something...again.
- Sure, then her buddies tell
her about magic all over again.
Then she bothers me again.
- So she's just gonna
get away with it?
- I'm not the magic police,
They won't be back here.
They know what'll
rain down on them if they do.
What they do out there,
it's not my business;
it's not yours.
Do you understand?
Don't you worry,
Hedge witches tend
to crash and burn
quite quickly all on their own.
- I want the spells I'm missing
so I can keep going.
I want the new ones she stole
because I helped her.
- You're not coming inside.
- Then bring 'em out.
- They're locked
in her filing cabinet,
and even if I could,
I wouldn't.
I don't want
to see you get hurt,
and Marina will hurt you.
She only helped you get out of
Brakebills jail to save herself.
Next time, you will not
be so lucky.
- [laughs]
That's bullshit.
I earned that magic
just as much as her.
Fu**, more.
It was my friend that she used--
- Your friend!
Look, Marina's the boss.
Life ain't fair.
Woe is you.
Now, please,
leave before she
sees you here.
- [sighs]
- Think of it as applying
for an internship,
and for outgoing students,
perhaps even a job.
Alumni come and choose
students to mentor.
I can understand why you've
been staying here, Alice.
I know you feel that
you've had to leave,
but I'd really like you
to come back.
This is just one small corner
of the world.
There's a lot more
out there to see,
and I'd like you to see it.
- [scoffs]
I don't much like the corners
that I've already seen.
- Alice, students
leave every year,
and I don't go searching
for every lost lamb.
- You didn't invite me.
I had to sneak in
just to take the entrance exam.
- I made a mistake.
I felt responsible for
what happened to your brother,
and I didn't want to cause
your family another loss.
Alice, I was wrong.
You are far too gifted
not to be with us.
Just come back for a week,
and if you don't like it,
then, please, by all means,
be a farmhand.
- This year, we're going to win
the alumni week Hunger Games.
- My mentor last year was a nun.
Never again.
- I specialize in feet.
Broken bones, warts--I have some
very interesting stuff
for fungi of the toenail.
- 99% of these mentors
lead to a lifetime of soporific
bourgeois magic hell.
- Alice.
You're, uh...
- I'm going to get a drink.
- Is Genji your aunt?
- Oh, hey, Alice.
Is that Genji?
- Do you guys know her?
- Everyone does.
She runs a retreat.
It's like Camp David
for magicians.
- If Camp David
was run by Caligula.
- [chuckles]
- I mean that
in the best way.
Excuse me.
- Wa--
- I feel really terrible about,
I just thought--I wouldn't be
standing here talking to me
if I were you.
- I don't...
I shouldn't blame you.
The truth is,
my brother died five years ago.
- Still, I--
- I should go help her.
- Can anybody hear me?
- Ah.
I'm Stanley.
I'm your mentor.
- Yeah, I didn't ask
for a mentor.
- I don't give a shit.
You are what you are,
so I'm here.
- What, a Pisces?
- Travelers are rare.
Hadn't been one at Brakebills
in 35 years, I guess.
There's no discipline
that has more power
and possibility.
- I get it.
It's an amazing gift.
- It's a terrible,
life-destroying burden.
I zapped myself
onto Mount Everest.
Lost my leg to frostbite.
I'd be dead if not for one
deeply confused Sherpa.
Had the lecture yet on
sticking with astral projection?
- I don't watch "Star Trek."
- Travelers' training wheels.
Your body stays here;
your mind travels.
It's like being a ghost.
won't stop you
from having a wet dream
and waking up
in the Marianas Trench.
This will.
It works by binding
your body to Earth.
Astral projection only.
Full stop.
Won't make the voices go away,
but it might keep you alive.
- How could you know about all
this and become a podiatrist?
- This isn't Middle Earth,
There aren't enough
noble quests to go around.
- Impress a good mentor,
and you won't have to worry.
- How am I supposed
to impress anyone?
- Mm, when you're
not impressive?
Glad you asked.
- [groans]
- What's Welters?
- The worst.
- It's a game
designed a billion years ago
to keep students from
killing each other in duels.
- It's like chess.
Kind of.
Not really.
You use magic to take squares.
It's terrible.
- I don't know.
That sounds kind of fun.
- It's boring as death.
- You're boring.
- You're boring.
- There's gonna be a tournament.
It's supposed to be a surprise,
but I like ruining things.
Each discipline fields a team,
and the mentors
will be watching,
so don't screw this up for me.
[pensive music]
♪ ♪
- Quentin.
- [exhales]
- Someone called the admin
office and left a message.
♪ ♪
- My dad's sick.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- Hello, Curly Q.
- Hey, Dad.
- It's brain cancer,
but it's the good kind
of brain cancer.
- Is there anything
you can do?
- Well, luckily there are
some treatment options,
some, uh, really interesting
new therapies.
- Um, do you--
uh, do you feel sick?
- Eh, I feel...
Eh, there was some
dizziness, headaches.
That's why I went in.
- Does Mom know?
- No, she does not.
As yet, I, uh--
I could come up with a reason,
I suppose,
but the truth is, I just...
I just don't want
to talk to her.
I'm worried about you.
- You have brain cancer,
and you're worried about me?
- Will you stop saying
"brain cancer"
like it's brain cancer?
I never see you anymore
since you went
to this new school.
Thinking a lot about mistakes,
you know, things I would
do differently.
Quentin, by the time
you were ten years old,
buddy, I couldn't sit through
one more card trick,
but if that's what makes
the world bearable to you,
then you go off
and do card tricks.
Don't try to be
something you're not.
You're studying what now?
You really a finance guy?
- I'm not a kid anymore.
- Sure, yeah.
Dump out that bag.
Go on. Dump it out.
I'll give you 20 bucks right now
if there isn't a--
a "Fillory" book in there.
You know you're still
on my insurance, right?
You checked yourself
into a mental hospital
a couple of months ago.
I didn't say a word.
I didn't say a word.
I gave you your space,
but your prescriptions
are still coming here,
which is how I know
you're not taking them.
- I don't need them.
I am--I'm better.
- I'm not trying
to pick a fight with you, son.
I'm just trying to...
fix what I broke.
- You think I'm broken?
- No.
- I think we are.
- [sighs]
- Need a hand?
[dramatic music]
We should catch up.
♪ ♪
- I'm surprised you came back.
- I still haven't heard
about your walkabout.
- Yeah, well, it wasn't
anything too exciting.
I mostly fed
and killed chickens.
- I mean, I wanted you
to come back.
We're friends, right?
- Uh, I was wondering
if you could do me a tiny favor.
- I helped you find
Emily Greenstreet.
- Right.
- See, I still haven't
been selected by a mentor yet.
- I still haven't been
selected by a mentor.
- We're such good friends,
I just--
I figured you could put
a good word in to your aunt.
- If you wouldn't mind
putting in a good word for me.
- I just feel deeply
that we are connected
and are meant to work together.
- I'll see what I can do.
[knock at door]
- Julia?
- Hey.
- Sorry, I'm a little early.
I knocked a couple times.
- Um, working on this big paper.
I baked.
- [chuckles]
[woman singing indistinctly]
- [mimics drumroll]
- That's actually good.
- [scoffs]
- It's, like, people food.
- What can I say?
- You have no idea
how relieved I am
to see you like this.
- Like what?
A happy housewife?
- Better.
Not, uh...
- High all the time?
- I was gonna put it
a bit more delicately than that.
- [chuckles]
- Dad?
- [vomiting]
- We need to go
to the hospital.
- No, they'll just
send me home.
I'm fine.
- They need to adjust your meds.
- I'm not taking any meds,
- How bad is it?
- I have a glioblastoma.
It's the most common type
of brain tumor.
It's also the most severe.
- But it's treatable?
- There are treatments
I chose not to pursue them.
- [sighs]
You know,
I Googled brain tumors
just in general,
and one common denominator
that jumps out at you
is impaired cognitive function,
so maybe you deciding
not to pursue treatment
without talking--
- My doctors agree with me, Q.
- The type of tumor it is,
where it's located...
the person who comes
out of surgery...
might not be me.
- I don't want you to die.
- Yeah, I'm not too crazy
about it myself.
- Then why are you giving up?
- You remember this?
My dad and I used to build
model airplanes.
And this,
this was
my absolute favorite.
Tenth birthday.
This is a Nieuport 28.
It's the same plane
Quentin Roosevelt flew
in World War I.
When you were
about two years old,
you got your hands on this,
and you broke off
one of the wings.
I spent about an hour
with a hot glue gun
trying to fix it.
It ended up in
about 20 pieces
instead of 2.
sometimes trying to fix
something only makes it worse.
[indistinct chatter]
- They match my 401(k)
up to 6%.
It's just--it's crazy.
- Dr. Meers?
- Oh, excuse me.
- My father's dying,
and I need you to fix him.
why would anybody
have cancer?
- Because we like secrets.
[light piano music]
There's got to be
some kind of spell.
- Amazing things
are possible,
but cancer,
it's a part of you,
in a way
that magic can't separate.
Some people think
it is magic,
an old curse we can't break.
- So then, somebody
must have tried.
I mean, look, even
if it's experimental, I--
- Do you know why Dean Fogg
didn't fix his eyes?
- I guess I just assumed
he couldn't.
- Treating something like that
requires an enormous amount
of energy,
and that comes at a cost.
- So does everything.
- I can give you the names
of some journal articles.
- Thank you.
- Fair warning:
what you're looking for
might be impossible,
and it will require
far more energy
than you can muster.
♪ ♪
[relaxed music]
♪ ♪
- [whispers]
I love you.
- Oh...
you baked.
- You can have one,
if you think you can afford it.
- Please, I have the metabolism
of a Jamaican sprinter,
and I need my strength
so I can properly wrap this
bottle of double charmed sake
you can only get from a very
particular monk on Okinawa.
But I'm sure Genji is gonna
love your little cakes.
- [chuckles wryly]
This is war, bitch.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[metallic clink]
♪ ♪
[fire ignites and crackles]
[fire sizzles]
- You should know better
than to mess with Google magic,
and starting an invisible fire
in your apartment,
still a fire.
You got lucky.
- Pete,
there's nothing else
for me to be besides this.
- There's a whole world
of things besides this.
- I almost burned down
my apartment,
and all I can think about
is trying it again.
Pete, there is nothing else.
- Your boyfriend could have
done this for you.
I just got this stuff at Target.
Not that I'm complaining.
You know, a beautiful girl
calls you
in the middle of the night,
never mind she's
a little intense...
- [scoffs]
- You answer.
- There are other hedges
and other safe houses.
I want to know where.
[both panting]
- Quentin?
Where have you been?
You're late,
and this is mandatory!
[dramatic music]
[cheers and applause]
Welters is
a game of circumstances.
Simply put,
we beat that squad
of flower-power ass-clowns
by casting
to capture those squares,
but the squares
won't make that easy.
Each one represents
a different location
and a different
set of circumstances,
so you can't just cast.
You actually have to know
how to cast
for those complications,
then adjust in a dozen ways.
If you get
any one of them wrong,
the whole thing goes to hell.
[audience groans]
- [inhales sharply]
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- [echoing] Will you stop
saying "brain cancer"
like it's brain cancer?
Sometimes trying to fix
something only makes it worse.
- Quentin.
- Quentin.
- Quentin.
- Quentin.
- Quentin!
[crowd murmuring]
- Get your head out of your twat
and throw the damn globe.
- [chuckles]
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
crowd: Oh!
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Are you sure
you want to do that?
[dramatic music]
- [whispering
in foreign language]
♪ ♪
[wind howling]
[crowd exclaiming]
- Q, are you
controlling this?
- [screams]
Do something, Q!
[wind whooshing]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- One spell so powerful,
it wiped the whole board.
To Quentin!
[all cheering]
[upbeat music]
Q, come on.
Who knew you had it in you?
Easily worth whatever it's gonna
cost to replace the roof.
- I don't care.
- I get your dad is sick,
but like it or not, you still
have to think about your future,
and this matters for that.
- One of the mentors
came up to me after the game
and asked me to come
to the Fertile Crescent
to stalk a river dragon.
I said no, 'cause grand scheme,
none of that matters.
- Why do you think
you were able to do that?
Please tell me someone
has pointed out to you
that magic doesn't come
from sunshine and ice cream,
for any of us.
- [exhales sharply]
- What you're born with,
what gets slammed
on you as a kid,
what happens now,
like your dad...
A great way
to get the things you want
is to be so miserable,
you don't want them anymore.
- What kind of system
is that?
You know,
why can't it run on...
or cocaine or something?
- [chuckles]
It's the universe
deep-dicking us.
Lie back and try
and enjoy it.
♪ ♪
[both laugh]
- Hi there.
- Hello.
- Pete sent me.
- Uh...
Show us your stars.
- I can do you one better.
- Um...
Uh, yeah.
So...what's your name?
- Wa--this is it?
- How do you mean?
- This is all you have?
- [scoffs]
Well, if you know so much,
why don't you show us?
- No, I didn't come here
to teach.
- At least show us that
cool cloud thing again?
- [laughs]
- Oh, my God.
[both laughing]
What day of the week is it?
- [grunts]
Ah, you are asking
the wrong guy.
[both groan]
- What is this?
[hip-hop music]
[man rapping
in foreign language]
You joining the navy?
♪ ♪
what's wrong?
- It's to stop myself from
traveling to an early grave.
♪ ♪
- Come on,
you're looking at it all wrong.
Look, every idiot
on the planet
busts their ass.
For what?
To buy the freedom
that you got for free.
- It's not free
if I can't control it.
- Well, then figure out how.
If you do, you could go
anywhere, any time.
I mean, look,
not for nothing,
but you could be the
greatest thief who ever lived.
[both laugh]
I'm serious.
Come on.
- What am I gonna steal?
- Hmm, well...
Could start by stealing me
a sandwich.
[both laugh]
♪ ♪
- The day drinking losers
absolutely do not fulfill
the terms of our agreement.
- Our agreement?
- I want somewhere better,
some place with real magic.
- [sighs]
It's the number two
safe house in the city.
- What?
In all of New York?
A city of 8 million people?
- They got good magic.
It's not their fault that
they're the tortoise
and you're the hare.
- They're not even
in the race.
- Look, you want
something better,
get out of town;
go to where the talent is.
- You think the safe house
in Hoboken's gonna be better?
- There's this place
in the Mali desert.
The marabouts have
this object magic
like nothing we have here.
We could go.
- Oh.
- Why?
- Because I love my boyfriend.
- [scoffs]
You slept with me two days ago.
- You're welcome.
- That's a pretty loose fu**ing
definition of love.
What, you think that
you and James
are gonna grow old
He doesn't know the most
important thing about you.
- Then I'll tell him.
- You can't.
- Why?
Marina's rules?
- Because it's dangerous,
for both of you.
- Marina's rules
no longer apply.
- Julia, you're
making a mistake.
- Give me spells,
and I won't do it.
- [sighs]
[foreboding music]
♪ ♪
[voices whispering
- Please help.
- Okay, I hear you.
- [crying]
Please help me.
Please come for me.
Please help.
- Who the fu** are you?
- Let me out of here!
- Lady!
- Someone help me.
- Come on, can you hear me?
♪ ♪
[woman screams]
Please help!
Please help me!
Let me out of here.
You can't keep
doing this to me.
[suspenseful music]
- Whoa.
Astral projection.
- [sobbing]
- All right, safety first.
♪ ♪
- Please.
- Hello?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- No...
Let me out of here!
- You sound talkative today,
Are you ready to talk?
[ominous music]
I can wait all day.
♪ ♪
- [gasping]
- Hey!
You lied to me.
First one in 35 years?
- Yes, there was a girl
several years ago.
- Yeah, well, I saw her,
while I was astral ghosting
into some dungeon.
Turns out she's part of that
incredibly famous
third year class,
the missing third year class.
- I didn't know
what happened to her.
I figured she was dead.
♪ ♪
- You're supposed to be
my fu**ing mentor.
- What the hell
do you want from me?
- Can you get her back?
- Can I?
I don't know where
the hell she is.
You're the one who saw her,
and it's not my problem.
My advice?
Get that tattoo
as soon as possible.
♪ ♪
- ♪ No more smoke
on the dance floor ♪
- What's your poison?
- Um, I don't know.
I just poured something.
- [sniffs]
I have so much to teach you
about drinking.
It's a three-year program.
Graduate level.
It begins immediately.
This isn't some mentor week
full-court press.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Friends don't let friends drink
Long Island iced tea, Alice.
[upbeat rock music]
- Eliot, I--oh, sorry.
Um, Alice, do you mind if I just
borrow Eliot for a second?
- Mm.
How may I help you, sir?
- What do you know
about Cancer Puppy?
- Okay.
[whispers] Oh, yes.
His name is Gerald,
but everyone calls him
Cancer Puppy.
He's sort of our
unofficial mascot.
- Why does he have cancer?
- Because he's 150,
The enchantment just
keeps him a puppy forever;
it doesn't stop him
from being riddled
with every single disease it's
possible to be riddled with.
They've been taking him to
a very confused veterinarian
in Ogdensburg.
- [whispers] Hi.
What if I could fix you?
- You're going to cure
Cancer Puppy?
- I found a spell
that might work,
but it requires
a lot of energy,
and I think I might
have that right now.
[tense piano music]
♪ ♪
A little.
♪ ♪
[whispers] Hi.
- [sighs]
[dog yelps,
- Oh, no.
- You killed Cancer Puppy?
- I was trying
to cure him.
- The spell you were
attempting to cast is part of
a class of magic strictly
forbidden for all students.
It is also strictly forbidden
for everyone else.
- I was just--
- The best magicians
in the world couldn't work
that spell, and yet you thought
a middling
first year student could.
- I had to try.
Why didn't you fix your eyes?
- The glasses show me outlines.
I can live with that.
If I had to choose between
my eyes or my hands,
I'd rather be able to cast.
It's on the first page of your
first textbook, Quentin.
"As magicians,
"we are the instrument
and the medium.
We are the chisel
and the marble."
- I read it. I just--
- But you didn't listen,
did you?
Yes, you can
save someone's eyes.
You can even save
someone's life,
but you might alter
their soul in the process.
- Then why bother?
What is the point
of any of this, of magic,
if we can't fix real problems?
- We can fix some things.
So we fix what we can.
[Tyrannosaurus rex roars]
- Get rid of the flare!
- Get the kids!
- Get rid of the flare!
[T. rex thundering and roaring]
- Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord be with you.
[thundering and screaming]
[Tyrannosaurus rex roars]
[sound on TV stops]
- Dad?
- Yeah...
It's okay.
I'm just, uh--
I'm just a little tired.
Curly Q,
what's going on?
- You were right.
You do know your kid,
at least a little.
I could give a shit
about finance.
- You know I just
want you to be happy.
- I know.
I get that. I do.
Come on.
[light orchestral music]
♪ ♪
This is where I've been.
[gentle music]
♪ ♪
I'm a magician.
- [gasps]
♪ ♪
- Hot stuff, hey.
You usually get me a scone too.
[both chuckle]
[clears throat]
I tried calling,
like, a lot.
Uh, anyways,
listen, uh, 'cause this
is important, so...
- Okay, let me stop you
one quick second.
Do I know you?
- This isn't funny.
- I'm sorry.
I think you have me
confused for someone else.
Um, sorry.
- Little problem out here.
- Pete!
Now, fu**er!
- What're you thinking?
Marina could be back
any second.
You need to leave now.
- You're pathetic.
- I'm really not.
- What is this,
some sort of sick revenge
because I wouldn't
screw you again?
- I didn't do anything.
- No, of course you didn't.
Marina did.
You couldn't get it up
for this kind of magic
even if you wanted to.
You sold me out!
- It wasn't to hurt you!
It was to save James from you
because you're out of control.
You want everybody's help.
You want to stand
on our shoulders,
and you haven't, not once,
taken any of our advice.
No wonder they didn't
let you into Brakebills.
- [gasping]
- I gave it a shot.
I tried to get into alumni week.
I just--I'm sorry.
I don't care about becoming
a magical podiatrist
or cataloging cryptids,
throwing huge parties.
- What do you care about?
- I don't know.
I'm still figuring that out.
- Well, then this is
the perfect place to be.
Charlie would be
so proud, sweetheart,
and you can always run away
to me whenever you like.
- [muttering indistinctly]
- What are these two staring at?
- Quick, here she comes.
Get ready for the first spanking
you won't enjoy.
- That's actually kind of hot.
- Dears, while you are both
quite impressive,
honestly, the thought
of working with you exhausts me,
and I'm too vain to sacrifice
my looks in that way.
- No, no, I mean,
we totally get it.
Maybe next year?
- Sure.
- Well...
- [sighs]
What do we need her
for anyway?
We can start our own
- Retreat.
- Mm.
[both laughing]
- Helps if you hold
a pleasant image in mind,
such as a baby,
if you tolerate those.
Circumstances are more favorable
on a waxing moon.
That's not to say
that it can't be done.
It's cooperative,
so partner up.
[indistinct murmuring]
- Lab partners?
- About your dad...
- Yeah.
[solemn music]
- Well, can they fix him?
Can we fix him?
♪ ♪
- [sighs]
- Quentin?
♪ ♪
You can get through this.
♪ ♪
- I wasn't sure
if you were gonna, um...
I'm glad you came back.
♪ ♪
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- Looks like "Game
of Thrones" fan art.
- Super helpful.
- You should ask
Quentin and Alice.
- Hell no.
- It saw you.
Penny, they're involved.
- Fu...
All I can say is
it was some kind of dungeon.
- This was on the walls.
It's a...
[tense music]
♪ ♪
- That's Ember's seal.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Penny, I think
you were in Fillory.
♪ ♪