The Magicians (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Remedial Battle Magic - full transcript

- Previously on
"The Magicians"...
- Okay, what is this place?
- Brakebills University.
You've been offered
a preliminary exam
for entry
into the graduate program.
- Regrettably, you failed
the written exam.
- Can I start over?
- There's this voice.
Everyone else comes
with a lot of static,
but him, he's clear
as a fu**ing bell.
- You're hearing The Beast?
- I was getting duped.
- I'm Stanley.
I'm your mentor.
Travelers are rare.
- Where are we?
- The Neitherlands.
The place between
all other places.
- My friend's life is in danger,
and I need to talk
to you about Joe.
- Joe?
Oh, I love Joe.
- Wait, so you know your way
around the Neitherlands?
- How can I help?
- We are pushing the boundaries
of what is magically possible.
We are the best
Magicians we know.
Silver can literally
fly to the moon
but mentally is dying.
Bender's trying to stay
off the ledge every day.
- You're trying to--
- Summon a god.
- Oh!
- I'm a member
of The Order, the keepers
of the libraries
of the Neitherlands,
the greatest repository
of knowledge.
Here it is.
- Wait, Martin?
That's--okay, is there
anything in there
about The Beast?
- Go back to the part
where you literally
popped in on them banging.
- We were casting a spell.
- No judgment.
- We saved your life.
- All right, so there might
be a solution here.
Uh, a weapon.
It sounds like if
we could find it,
we could use it
to kill The Beast.
- El! Jesus!
It's 11:00 in the morning.
- I'm listening.
- So Martin's desperate,
'cause the Plover had
figured out a way
to change physically,
which opened up a whole
new class of spellwork,
which meant
that pretty soon he'd be able
to follow Martin into Fillory.
- [mumbles]
- Yeah.
So Martin got a line
on an enchanted knife, the Leo.
Uh...
Yeah, powerful enough to tear
through the fabric of
magic itself--like, kill a god.
So qualified to murder a fairly
invincible mutant Magician.
That's the same god
that made the Virgo Blade.
- I fu**ing love that guy.
- Yeah, so Martin
tracked down the knife maker,
asked him if he could
make him one,
and the guy said,
uh...
"Yeah, I can."
- And then what?
- Uh, well, that's the end
of the pages.
- Yeah, nothing happened.
If Martin killed The Beast,
would we be here now
talking about him?
- Yeah, but here's the thing.
So little did Martin know
he would fail
to recover the blade,
which would remain hidden
for decades,
which means it could still
be sitting somewhere
waiting for us.
- Right, in Fillory.
The place where The Beast is.
- Ergo, fu** that.
- Hey, here's a crazy idea.
Plover wants the button back?
Why don't we just
give it to him?
- I--I don't think
that's a very good plan.
- No, that's
a monumentally shitty plan.
- I don't know.
Those Neitherland thugs
work for The Beast, right?
So what if we hand them
the button,
thereby giving The Beast
what he wants,
thereby rendering
ourselves harmless,
thereby he leaves us alone?
- Right, 'cause handing the key
to the multiverse to a monster
is a really--
that's a good idea, Eliot.
- Beats getting vivisected.
- Yeah, speak for yourself.
If his whole hard-on's
locking down travel to Fillory
so he keeps it all to himself,
I'm still a problem.
- Look, you can hide literally
anywhere in the universe.
The rest of us do not
have that luxury.
So let's not kick our only
semi-functional idea
out of bed.
- Okay, stop.
This affects all of us.
So those in favor
of striking a deal.
Sorry. It's the right move.
- Because you still seem,
I don't know, gloomy about it.
- I can't believe you're not.
Penny's been gone for a week.
- Which is like an hour
in the Neitherlands, right?
It means nothing.
What if it works?
- Then it works. The Beast
leaves us alone, great.
- You're just upset 'cause
you may never get
to go to Fillory.
- No, that would be stupid.
- Quentin.
- Why would I want to go?
The child-molesting demon
who incidentally wrote
my favorite books
is there waiting to kill us.
Come on. We're late for P.A.
[indistinct whimpering]
- No!
[sobbing]
Please, wake up!
- Margo, how did this happen?
- We should have listened
to you, Q.
[coughing]
- [whistling]
[whistling
"The Farmer in the Dell"]
♪ ♪
You think you're hiding,
don't you?
[neck cracks]
- [choking]
- Sleep tight,
Quentin Coldwater.
[whistling]
[delicate mysterious music]
♪ ♪
[all gasping and coughing]
- No way in hell we're doing
that fu**ing spell again.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm just a little shaky.
I don't like dying.
- No kidding.
- You are Margo.
You are fabulous.
You are under the influence
of a probability spell.
- I am fabulous, aren't I?
- Yeah.
- What happened to you?
- Beast ripped my head off
in the Neitherlands.
So much for negotiating
my freedom.
- All right, well,
this was a dead end.
- Well, I hate to say
I told you so,
but--you know what?
Actually, I don't.
I don't.
I don't hate that.
- This is the last one.
It's dead.
- Ugh.
We're not learning anything new.
In every scenario,
The Beast comes next week.
- There was one time
we didn't all die--
when we went to Fillory.
- No. Everything went white.
It's not necessarily better.
- Well, I agree with Quentin.
- Oh, that's because
he blows you.
- Seriously, eight tries.
We get seven deaths,
one mysterious?
I--give me that.
I don't think
that we have a choice.
- No, I'm choosing to
get the fu**
away from all of you.
- Hello, old friend.
Been a while.
Do say you missed me a little.
- Fu** you.
- Let me cut to the chase.
You will deliver yourself
to me.
Do it now, or do it
when you've gone so mad
you have nothing left,
because I'm going to make it
very, very loud.
- Here's the deal: people used
to petition gods all the time
to bestow power
to work stuff
that we'd never dream of.
Now, they're it--biggest source
there is.
At least they were,
question being...
- Where the hell are they now?
- Exactly.
No one's spoken
to a god in centuries.
They disappeared.
Um, I believe that
we can find a way
to contact them again
to get the kind of help
they used to give.
- It's time, Richard.
- Contact how?
- Humans aren't
their only children;
there are others
who are older
and might know more.
- Magical creatures.
- You mean like vampires
and unicorns?
- Uh, I think unicorns
are a myth.
But yes.
Find something high up enough
in the hierarchy,
they might actually remember
when gods and humans
were on speaking terms.
- And there's
a huge cross-section of them
right here in the city.
- Yeah, because
they want to use us.
- Look, you're right.
Most of them know nothing other
than hunger, thirst,
and how to hide,
but it's a food chain,
all right?
We start at the bottom;
we work our way up
till we find someone
who can help us get to them.
- How long
have you been at this?
- A while.
I won't lie.
You know,
it's been tough going.
Bender, show them.
- Mostly bloodsuckers,
useless junkies,
but sometimes you can get
a lead on to something else.
- After they talk your ear off
for, like, 12 hours.
- Those leads admittedly
keep petering out,
but I think we have an ace
up our sleeve now.
Julia.
- What?
- That prayer I gave you,
you know,
doesn't work for everyone.
Actually, you're the first.
- I don't understand.
- I know you're not
gonna like to hear this,
but I gave you a test.
- Why? I'm not religious.
I'm not a--I'm not anything.
- We don't know
why some people are god-touched.
All right? There's
no rhyme or reason.
Karma, DNA,
luck of the draw.
But it's you, Julia.
I think if we send you
on the hunt,
we're gonna get some results.
- [scoffs softly]
- I don't know.
Penny was pretty clear.
- What are we planning?
- Nothing yet.
Just discussing
how we're all probably gonna die
before we even
set foot in Fillory
because the Neitherlands
are full of mercenaries.
- Sounds like a problem.
- Point is, we need
some serious battle magic.
- But that stuff's illegal.
I'm fu**ing with you.
I'm in.
- I'm in too.
I heard the word "illegal."
Oh, Alice, there's a note
for you from admin.
I see you've got a call.
- Mom, please, just calm down.
I can't understand you.
You what?
I'm so sorry.
I have to go.
I'll call you
as soon as I can.
It's Joe.
He killed himself.
- What?
- I have to talk to Penny.
My mom says
he was hearing voices
and always getting worse
and that the voices
were threatening him.
He's a traveler--he was
a traveler--and I just thought--
- I know what happened
to her friend.
It's The Beast.
- Shit.
- Yeah, I got it under control.
- Penny, maybe you should think
about the possibility
that he's targeting you guys.
I mean, you're
like a walking button.
- Think you're
telling me anything new?
Sorry, I--I should go.
- Penny,
where are you gonna go?
We can find a way
to help you.
- I'm sorry.
I got to talk to someone.
[knock at door]
Stanley, man, you there?
- Penny. I was wondering
when you were gonna show up.
- You been hearing him too?
- He knows everything there is
about me--
my son's home address,
describes my granddaughter's
every freckle.
- Look, man, he's targeting us
because we can hear him,
because we can travel.
I mean, he wants all the roads
in and out of his fortress
on lock.
- No shit.
Like I want to travel
to a blue state,
never mind other worlds.
- What do we do?
- I got a plan,
and there's nothing
he can do to stop me.
- Yeah? Well, what's the plan?
- Watch...and trust me.
This removes all his leverage.
He can't make me do
a damn thing.
[gunshot]
- Uh, where did you get this?
Is this, like,
from World War II?
- I tripped and fell on it
locked in a drawer
in Sunderland's office.
- My Japanese is a little rusty,
but I think that this says,
"Majikku misairu."
- "Magic missile"?
That's, like,
straight-up
"Dungeons & Dragons."
Oh, okay.
Uh...
Do you want to--okay.
Move.
- Your Popper 43 is off.
Huh?
- What if we got guns?
- What? No.
No, look,
this is basic prime directive.
Fillory is a pristine,
non-industrialized society.
You can't--
- Oh, yes, very pristine.
It's been taken over
by a kiddie-diddling mutant.
- Yeah, and that's not
Fillory's fault.
- Great. Let's go native.
Scale of one to ten, how are you
with a broadsword, Quentin?
- This should have worked.
- Coulda,
shoulda, woulda.
- I mean, we've all done
battle magic before, right?
One time or another.
Eliot, you--
- Twisted Mike's neck
like a doll? Yeah.
And it was shockingly easy.
I don't have
an explainer for you.
- Yeah, and it just
sort of came puking out.
- Well, where'd you learn it?
- I know who we need to talk to.
- Tonight, or I kill the girl
in the dungeon.
- Quentin.
- No. Whatever it is, just no.
- Look, we need your help.
We're trying to locate your ex.
- [laughing]
- Penny, please.
I know, but this is really
that important.
- It feels jacked to be
doing a mirror spell
in here, seriously.
- Just focus.
- It's not working!
Because
she's a good magician,
and she doesn't want
to be found.
- Look, Penny, I know you don't
really want to find her, but--
- The reflection's changing.
- You're welcome.
- Penny.
Come with us.
- I know this place.
That's Julia's apartment.
Shit.
Okay.
[knocking at door]
Uh, hi.
Could we come in?
- Um, Julia's not here.
She won't be back
for a couple hours.
- Yeah, we're here
to talk to you, actually.
- Okay. Um...
- Please, please,
give him what he wants!
[upbeat rock music playing]
♪ ♪
- I think that's
an insanely stupid idea.
You don't just go fight
someone stronger on his turf.
- We know.
We have a plan for The Beast.
We just need to make sure
we have enough under our belt
to even make it to him.
- Let's just say
you're very likely
to be mugged
in the Neitherlands.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I can't teach it to you.
Look, most people
can't do battle magic
except in crazy spurts.
Like baby-trapped-under-a-car
type shit.
- But you can do it on cue.
- Yeah, 'cause
I studied it for years.
- Give us the CliffsNotes.
- Fine.
Meditate every day
for, like, a decade.
And spells only work
if you channel 100% clean.
- Great.
So we're stuck with
our dicks in our hands.
- Look, there is
this thing hedges use.
But I really
wouldn't recommend it.
- Okay.
Now we're listening.
♪ ♪
- She bleeds so easily,
poor little thing.
- Fu**!
- I barely touched her.
- Hey.
Look, um...
- So...
How is she?
Julia, I mean.
- Why do you care after
what she did to you?
- Okay.
It's none of your business.
You know,
that's not how it works.
Giving a shit about someone
that you give a shit about
doesn't just evaporate
the second that they fu** up.
So why don't you just admit that
you want to ask me about Penny?
- Okay, fine.
Look, Julia is good.
Great, actually.
Like, we're working on something
that could help a lot of people,
so it's good.
Okay, now you--is he okay?
- Yeah, he's extra broody,
but...
you know, it's Penny;
he's fireproof.
He's like cockroaches; he'll
survive the nuclear winter.
- [inhales]
[groans]
- You can end it.
Just end it.
- Shut up.
Shut the hell up.
Okay.
Okay, look.
.
- You should thank Alice Quinn.
She found you.
- Get on with the lecture.
- Oh, I've overdosed once.
No, twice, if you count the time
I took so much Prozac,
I developed tardive dyskinesia,
but that was an accident.
The crack--that was
a straight OD, no chaser.
- You smoked crack?
- I've done things that would
make you hide under a blankie.
So just tell me
what's happening.
- A voice from another world
has a thing for travelers.
- So it's an assault.
- That's a nice
mild term for it.
- This goes on the base
of your neck.
It blocks the flow
to your head like a dam.
- You didn't think
of giving this to me sooner?
- It's not approved.
It wears down the mind's
own ability to defend itself.
It's just a temporary fix
until we can put you
on a stricter regimen.
- I don't have time for this.
- Penny, you will never
have a home.
You will never have
a real family.
Your gifts will take this
from you over and over.
So when someone cares enough
to reach out a hand,
just drop the bullshit attitude
and take what they're offering
while you can.
- Bottling our emotions,
literally.
- Kady says we shouldn't
use these
for more than three hours
at a time, right?
That it's too hard
on the system,
and when the feelings come back,
it's extremely intense.
- Yeah, yeah.
Don't lean on the bottle.
- But meanwhile we get to go
full Spock with battle magic.
- I don't like it.
- Um, it's the perfect cheat.
- I didn't say
I wasn't gonna do it;
I said I didn't like it.
Wow, you look--
- Damn handsome for someone
who just had a heart attack?
What can I say?
Genetically blessed.
What are those?
- What do you care?
I thought you wanted
nothing to do with us.
- I changed my mind.
I'll go to Fillory
on one condition.
- That girl
you saw in the dungeon?
Yeah, we'll get her out.
- Deal.
- Well, this somehow
doesn't feel like a place
where anyone knows anything.
- Well, apparently
this guy's old as dirt.
[people talking]
Got to start somewhere.
Who knows.
[rock music playing]
- ♪ 'Cause you can't hold back
what you can't attract ♪
♪ The subtle attention
of time ♪
♪ If you see her,
just let me know ♪
♪ I plan to make
this woman mine ♪
- Girls.
Agency sent you?
- You Bjorn?
- I asked for blondes.
- I heard about you from a girl
who got fired from a blood bank
on 67th about a year ago.
Apparently, she wasn't
stealing for herself.
- Tracy sold me out?
What'd you give her?
- Honestly, 20 bucks.
So I don't think
that was true love.
- What do you want? I'm busy.
- We just have a few questions.
- Mm.
- We'll pay.
- 20 whole dollars, rich bitch?
[chuckles]
Whose is it?
- Mine, so it's
the cleanest thing in this room.
We want to petition a god.
- Um, a--a god?
You mean--you mean like "a god"?
Nobody's doing that stuff
anymore, sweetheart.
God's inside you.
- Come on, I told you--
- Hey, asked and answered.
Come on. Give me it.
- Give me a name.
Some other thing like you.
- Hey, that's offensive.
I'm a person.
I'm a person.
We're not a club.
They're all horrible.
Pixies are dicks,
the lycans are rapists,
and shapeshifters,
they all headed west
back in the '50s.
- Thank you for
that color commentary.
Do you want this or not?
Give me a name.
- Okay, okay. Okay.
I got one.
[all speaking Japanese]
[all gasping]
- Huh. Sort of pretty.
- This must be what undergoing
the Vulcan ritual
of Kolinahr is like.
- I like your sweater.
- Are you saying that
to be cruel?
- No. I like your sweater.
I saw no reason not to share.
- Well, then.
Shall we go fuáá some shit up?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes, definitely.
Definitely.
- Just remember,
if this is a Lamia,
we're dealing
with a high-level psychic.
- Yeah.
- What are you saying to me?
I'm not saying anything to you.
Who do you think you are?
I just want a quarter.
Hey.
Chickadee.
- Mom?
- It's so good to see you.
I'm so, so sorry.
Baby, I missed you so much.
I need you.
- Kady, step back, okay?
It's not your mom.
- I'm not an idiot, Julia.
- Julia...
I forgive you.
- I know what you are.
- I'm trying to give you a gift.
Both of you.
You need me.
- My mom is dead, bitch.
Drop the act.
- If you can read my mind, you
know that we both have knives
in our pockets
dipped in gold and silver
and coated in shark's blood.
- Jesus, that's overkill.
- We weren't sure
which legends were true.
- I hate Ivy League girls.
- Then tell us
what we want to hear,
and I'll get that one
out of your hair.
- What?
What do I have for you?
Uh, look at this place.
Look at me.
- Lamiae
were servants of a goddess.
- Back before
the birth of fire, maybe.
- We want to petition her.
- Oh. That's so cute.
But that's not what you want.
I know what you really
want--
to be whole...
like you were on that day
that you split into two Julias
and you got in that elevator
and lost everything.
- Shut up.
- I can give you that.
- Get out of my head.
- Fine.
I'll be blunt.
She's dead.
They're all dead.
Call the gods all you want.
There's no one to hear you.
- Let's go.
Come on.
- Anyway, "God is dead"
seems to be the consensus.
- I don't accept that.
- Well, Lamia
seemed pretty convinced.
- She was a bitter, half-starved
monster living in filth.
The gods have abandoned her.
It doesn't mean they're gone.
- We got another rock
to turn over?
- Not yet.
- So then what?
- I don't know, Julia.
I mean, what do you want me
to say? "I give up"?
"Forget about ever
really fixing anything"?
No, we keep trying, okay?
At least I do.
You do whatever you want.
- Well, I'm not going anywhere.
I mean, this is my house.
[laughter]
- You're bleeding a little.
- That explains
the burning pain.
- Is that a traveler thing?
- It's a hearing voices thing.
- Well, I guess that beats
whatever you were snorting.
- Marginally.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
- That was
an unadulterated success.
- Pity we have to put them back.
- Agreed.
Feelings are bullshit.
- Let's just
get this over with.
- Right.
Bottoms up.
- [gasps]
- Whoa.
- [sobbing]
- [laughing]
- Quentin.
Quentin.
You know I love you.
I love you so much.
Like, so much.
You know that, right?
- Yeah, do you know--'cause
I feel like, uh, I'm kind of,
like, all alone.
- Why aren't we friends
anymore, El?
- We're best friends.
- Can we be honest
for five seconds, please?
- Honestly...
I'd rather not.
- You don't care about me.
- That is stupid.
We are going to Fillory
to save everything.
It'll all be fine,
like before,
except even better.
Now catch up.
This is Daddy's third drink,
Bambi.
Oh my head.
- I couldn't even sleep.
- They were a bad idea,
the bottles.
- I hate everything.
I hate air right now.
- You have diagnosed depression.
Shouldn't be bottling you up;
you could--
- Kill myself?
I'm sure Plover
would get to me first.
- I think we should try
mastering it
without the bottles.
- I'm sure you probably could.
- I'm talking about all of us.
- Not all of us are you, Alice.
- Okay.
You're hung over.
I don't think you meant that
like it sounded.
- I'm sorry. Yes.
I just--I feel like sometimes
you don't hear yourself.
- All I said was
that I think we should try--
- This is what that looks like.
I am trying as hard as I can.
- Okay.
Uh...
If you're not dead,
I'm listening.
Whatever--I'm here.
I want to do good.
Please.
- Hey.
Troops coming?
- Still at the cottage studying.
What are you doing?
- Trying to get
off the bottle.
- Me too. Any luck?
- Not yet.
That wine bottle knows
its days are numbered.
Sit. Get Zen.
- I don't know if I can.
- Every warrior in history
learned how to do it.
I bet plenty of them
were hot messes.
We can do this.
- Julia.
[liquid splattering]
[coins clattering]
Not so dead, am I?
Nothing was wasted, Julia.
Ever.
Everything has served
to pull you closer to me.
Find me...
near the bridge.
There's a man who has
served me 1,000 years.
Bring him three gifts.
He'll show you the way.
Then I will come to you,
my beautiful daughter.
- [gasps]
Holy shit.
- That was
a definite wobble, right?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I brought this for you
in case you want it.
- Not yet.
- You really want to--
Stop.
- [giggles]
- It's been 3 1/2 hours.
We're late.
- It was worth it.
To being bosses.
- Ha.
Okay.
- [gasping]
- Remember that spring
at the foot
of the mountains in Fillory?
- It was Chatwin's Torrent.
Thought you didn't
remember the books.
- Rupert was wounded, right?
Till the spring healed his leg?
Do you think it's real?
- Some of the good parts
have to be.
At least I hope so.
Why?
- Because I probably
have liver damage.
On that note,
we're out of wine.
[clears throat] On that note,
we're out of wine.
Fine, I'll go.
[laughter]
- Jesus, you two.
- [squeals]
- Ahh!
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Um, thanks for
reminding me it's there.
- Uh, okay, it's your turn.
You can do it.
- We are going to Fillory.
[giggles]
Oh, my God.
You're Toto,
and you are Dorothy.
- Yeah.
- And I'm flying Muppets.
- One step.
- Meerkats.
- Two step.
- No, wait.
That's not it.
[laughter]
[snoring]
- And I think he passed out.
- [sighs]
- Finally.
- You know he was--he was
talking about Chatwin's Torrent.
- Let's be honest.
There's a lot more wrong
with Eliot than a broken leg.
- Yeah, but the spring
didn't just fix Rupert's leg.
It healed him.
All of him.
- There's this thing
about you, Q.
You actually believe in magic.
- So does everyone.
- No.
We all knows it's real,
but you believe in it.
And you just love it,
pure and simple.
You know, I've never loved
something like that.
- That's not true.
- Maybe Fillory can fix him.
'Cause he's really not okay,
and he just doesn't care.
- It's okay.
We're gonna do whatever we can.
I promise.
[soft music]
♪ ♪