The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 4, Episode 8 - Lucy Helps the Countess - full transcript

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Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Lucy!

Oh.

Oh...

Darling, I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to frighten you.

That's all right.
Could've been worse.

It could've been eggs.

Where have you been?

You've been gone for hours.



Oh, I couldn't help it.
I am so excited, Lucy.

I am so excited.

I got it! I got it!

I got my license!

Well, congratulations.

I didn't know you were engaged.

When's the wedding?

Not a marriage license, silly.

My real estate license.

Your real estate license?

And you didn't even
think I could pass the test.

Do you really mean you're
going to try to sell real estate?

Well, of course. Why not?

Because you shouldn't work.



You should just loll
around and lead a lazy life

and live in the lap of luxury.

Remember, you're the
Countess Framboise.

Remember, I'm
also Rosie Harrigan,

and I like to eat.

Well, all I can say
is, "Good luck."

And if I happen
to run in to anyone

who needs a royal
real estate agent,

I'll be very happy
to recommend you.

Thank you, dearie.

Well, after all,
what are friends for,

if it's not to lend
a helping hand?

You're right.

And if you ever need a
helping hand, just yell.

Okay.

Whew!

Oh!

Rosie!

Boy, you sure
collect in a hurry.

Darn oranges.

Yes, and next time
you buy these things,

you ought to bring
them home one at a time.

I had trouble getting them
home, all the way up...

Well, they look nice.

From that store.

There.

Is this a private crap game,
or can anybody get in?

Countess!

Oh...

Mr. Money.

Oh, that's Mooney.

Oh, you naughty thing.

- Naughty girl.
- I'm so...

Je suis enchantée
de vous voir encore.

- Oh, may I? May I?
- Thank you.

Oh, there. Yes, indeed.

But, yes. Hello.

Now, listen, Countess...

Countess, I hurried
over here to warn you.

The president of
our bank asked me

if you would lend your name
to a commercial enterprise.

- He did?
- Yes.

Of course, I was
highly indignant.

Oh, you were?

Oh, yes, yes. I said to him,

"Sir, you are not
dealing with a commoner.

The name of Countess
Framboise is one of the oldest

and noblest in all of France.

The very mention
of money matters

would be very insulting.

Yes, and it's been so long
since I've been insulted.

Exactly.

Well, thank you very much,
Mr. Mooney, for your interest.

Oh...

Mr. Mooney's very
gallant, isn't he, Lucy?

Oh, yes. Thank you
very much, Mr. Mooney.

It's very nice of you
to protect the countess

from these crass
moneymaking schemes.

Yes, yes.

Well, I must be running
along now, Countess.

Bye-bye.

I'm planning a
surprise for my wife.

Oh, how nice.
What is the surprise?

Well, my wife is back east,
and when she comes back here,

I want to surprise her

with a lovely new
apartment I found.

- You're moving?
- Into a new apartment?

- Where is it?
- Yes, how big is it?

- Have you signed the lease yet?
- How much is it a month?

No, no, no. I haven't
signed the lease.

I'm going over with
the broker this afternoon

to see it again.

Oh, it's a lovely apartment.

Gee, I don't know
why anybody'd want

to live in a place like that.

Well, people who like to
live on a high... with a...

What are you driving at?

Well, uh, you see, Mr. Mooney...

Well, now,

she has a friend who's in
the real estate business.

Yes.

Oh! Oh, thank you, Countess!

I'm glad you told me.

Yes, yes.

Mrs. Carmichael,
any friend of yours

is a friend of yours,
and I don't intend

to make them a friend of mine.

I'll find my own apartment.

Au revoir, Countess.

À bientôt, c'est un plaisir.

Oh, it's been such a
pleasure, I assure you.

Good-bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

Rosie, why didn't you tell him

you were the friend in
the real estate business?

And have him think
I'm a commoner?

No, thanks.

Well, Rosie, that settles it.

You have just got to rent
an apartment to Mr. Mooney.

Oh, that's impossible.

Well, now, Rosie, listen,
could you show him

a beautiful apartment
that's spacious,

high up, with a view, and
that's in a new building?

Well, yes, I have one like
that, but what's the use?

Well, now, don't give
up, I'll think of some way

- to get him up there to see it.
- Oh, forget it.

By the time you
get him up there,

you'll wind up old and gray.

That's it!

What's it?

Wind me up and
make me old and gray.

Yes, 3:00 would be fine.

It's a lovely apartment.

I've already sold...

Um, um, uh, 3:00,
and I'll call you back.

Yes?

Young man, I'm looking
for Theodore J. Mooney.

Where'll I find him?

You're talking to him.

Oh, heavens.

What can I do for you?

Well, there's a little
matter of $100,000

I'd like to discuss.

Oh, well, that isn't a
little matter, no, indeed.

Oh, come in, come in, come in.

May I help you?

Don't bother.

There's no need
to be a Boy Scout.

I may be 90, but I'm
very well preserved.

There we go.

Watch it, buster.

I, uh, I didn't catch the name.

I didn't throw it.

Is it, uh, Miss or Missus?

- It's Missus.
- Missus.

I've been married seven times.

One husband
richer than the other.

And what is the name?

Mrs. Huntington
Thorndike Smithers

Jones Hotchkiss Hotchkiss...

They were brothers... Belford.

How's that for a parlay?

Now, about this $100,000.

What about it?

Well, uh, you mentioned
something about $100,000.

- I did?
- Yes.

Oh, yes! Yes, uh...

you see, there's a whole
bunch of us rich little old ladies

that live in Cucamonga, and
we belong to the same card club.

Oh, oh, fun game, bridge.

It's poker, honey.

That's where the
money comes from.

Every week we feed that kitty.

A $100,000 kitty?

Yeah, it's a big cat now.

Now, then, would you
like to invest it for us?

Oh, indeed I would, yes!

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'll get a deposit slip.

Not so fast, sonny.

You look honest and
friendly enough to me,

but we have to find out first

if you cut the mustard
with the other girls.

Well, I'd be happy to meet
the other members of your club

whenever it's convenient.

Yeah, well, it's convenient
today, at 3:00, in my apartment.

Oh, well, I'm afraid I have a
previous engagement at 3:00.

Okay, I'll find another banker.

But I'll break
it, I'll break it.

Uh, Sunset Apartments, 18B.

Track team, Vassar, 1903.

Oh, boy, we just made it.

- Yes.
- It's five minutes to 3:00.

Oh, Rosie, this is a
beautiful apartment!

I told you it was.

Now, now, let me show
you where things are

- before Mr. Mooney gets here.
- Okay.

Now, over there, in that
door right there, you'll find...

- There he is.
- Oh, dear, I am so nervous.

- He's liable to blow his top.
- No, no, shh.

Don't worry, don't
worry, now, Rosie.

Shh.

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

I've been had!

Little old lady from
Cucamonga, indeed!

I'm sorry,
Mr. Mooney, but it was

the only way I could
get you up here.

Get me up here for what?!

To show you this
beautiful apartment.

Mrs. Carmichael, you tricked me.

Don't you think an
apology is in order?

All right, Mr. Mooney,
I apologize.

Well, I refuse to accept it!

Countess!

Countess, what
are you doing here?

What... Don't tell
me that you, too,

were duped by that
redheaded Mata Hari.

Yes, Mr. Mooney,

I'm afraid I, too, was
tricked into coming up here.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
how could you?

What a dastardly thing to do!

How...! May I escort
you out of here?

- Mais oui!
- Now, now, you wait a minute!

As long as you're here,

you might as well
look at the apartment.

Now, out of my path, woman!

- No!
- Now, just a moment,

Mr. Mooney, when
commoners trick you,

I find that it is best
to humor them.

- Very well said, Countess.
- Oh, thank you.

All right, I'll look!

Oh, good, and you won't
regret it, Mr. Mooney.

Now, now, let's see, uh, what,
uh, where should we start?

Uh, well, what about
the, uh, bedroom?

Oh, yes, the bedroom...
Right here, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, yes, I'd like
to see that, yes.

- Oh, after you, after you.
- Oh.

No, you don't!

Now, not till you have at
least looked at the view.

All right, if I look at
the view, then can I go?

- Okay, I promise.
- Oh.

Okay, now, right
over here, Mr. Mooney.

Yes, come, come
and look at the view.

It's really beautiful.

It's very high up.

Now, look, on a clear
day, you can see Catalina.

All right, I'll look.

I've looked.

Can I go now?

Wait a minute, wait a...

Why, you're right.

Why, the view is
absolutely breathtaking!

Yes. Yes, and the
rest of the apartment

does have a certain,
uh, je ne sais quoi.

Oh, yes, it's got a
brand-new je ne sais

and plenty of quoi.

If I were staying in America, I
do believe that I would rent it,

- I really would.
- You would?

Oh, yes. It has all
the latest features,

including a burglar-proof lock.

It locks the front door
and the back door

at the same time.

Really.

Show it to him, Lucy.

Show him what?

The burglar-proof lock.

Oh, the burglar thing, yes.

Oh, uh, yes, I-I think
it's, uh, around here.

It's, uh, oh, may-maybe,
I guess it's this gadget.

Now, there you are, it's locked.

And it can only be
opened with the key.

Oh, that's very
clever, thank you.

Uh, how many bedrooms?

One?

Yes, only one, but let
me show you something.

Let me show you something
very interesting over here.

Now, you just watch.

I touch this little button...

- Eh... Oh!
- Oh!

Voilà.

Very practical,
very practical, yes.

- Yes.
- And very soft.

Oh, I love gadgets.

Why, Mr. Mooney, you
made her disappear.

Yes.

You naughty boy, I believe
you did that on purpose.

Oh, I...

Come back, little Lucy.

She's gone.

- Oh, what a shame!
- Lucy! Lucy!

- Lucy, come back.
- Hi.

I found a shortcut
from the bed to the bar.

Oh, yeah.

Very good, dear, yes.

Oh, very cleverly designed, yes.

It's nice, isn't it?

What's that?

- What?
- That.

Well, this is the, uh...

No, that.

- Oh, this.
- Yes.

Well, it's a, uh, it's a square.

It has... it's deep
and it's dark.

Whoa, there's a
lot of dark in there.

What is it?!

- Well...
- It's a bottle chute.

- It's a bottle chute.
- Yes.

You just throw in the empties

and they go into the
basement right there.

How about that, Mister...?

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, Countess, your purse.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh, dear.

Oh, I can't reach it.

- Well...
- How are we going to get it?

Well, we'll just have to wait

till we go to the basement
when we leave, that's all.

Yeh... oh, speaking of
leaving, I better go now.

Leave. Oh.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, thank
you so much for coming up.

I really do appreciate it.

Thank you, Mrs. Carmichael.

You were right.

This is a lovely
apartment, and I'll take it.

- Oh!
- Oh.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, how wonderful.

Oh, and you'll never
regret it, Mr. Mooney.

- No, he won't.
- You'll never regret it.

It's lock... it's
locked, it's... yes.

Oh, oh, the burglar lock.

May I have the key, please?

The key?

The key... I gave you the key

when I was showing you
the apartment, Countess.

Could I have the key, please?

The key is in my purse.

And your purse...

Is in the basement.

Well, how are
we going to get it?

Well, I have a suggestion,
Mrs. Carmichael,

but you're too big to
shove down that chute!

Mr. Mooney.

I'll pound on the door.

Maybe somebody will hear us.

Is there a telephone in here?

Oh, a brilliant, brilliant idea.

- Let's look and see if we can find it.
- I'll look in here.

- Yeah, well, now...
- Now, let's look for a telephone.

- I wonder if there's one under here?
- Aha! Here's one!

- Oh! Swell!
- I found a telephone.

- Marvelous. Marvelous.
- Here we are.

Now, let's see.

Hello!

Is this phone working?

Yes, it is.

Hello.

Oh, good, this is Mr. Mooney.

I think you could help me.

Well, my name is Carmichael
and I don't think I can.

Oh, well.

Well, here we are,
stranded on a desert island

in the middle of Hollywood.

Well, I know a way
to get out of here.

Don't jump!

- That's the hard way.
- Oh.

I'm not going to jump.

It's just that I noticed that
there's a ledge out here

that leads to the
next apartment.

If I can get over there, I can
go downstairs and get help.

Oh, no, Lucy, that's
much too dangerous.

Yes, yes, that's much too
dangerous for a woman.

Yes, yes, indeed.

Oh, well.

- Yeah.
- Be very careful.

- All right.
- Yes, now,

- be very, very careful, yes.
- Okay, I'll be careful.

Oh! We've got you, come on now.

Now, don't look down,
Lucy, don't look down.

Okay.

- All right, I won't look down.
- Don't look down.

- I'll keep my eyes shut.
- Yes.

Oh, okay.

Oh, what is it,
what is it, what is it?!

What is it, what is it?!

- Get it off, get it off.
- Aw, the blessed little thing.

Come here, little darling.

Oh, isn't he adorable, Lucy?

Go, go, now, baby, go!

There.

Oh, boy.

- All right.
- All right...

- All right...
- Now... be very careful.

- Yes.
- Okay.

M-M-Mrs. Carmichael, wait, wait!

Yes.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Okay, now, Lucy, very careful.

- Don't remind me.
- All right, easy, easy.

It's a very long ledge...

- I can't watch, I simply cannot.
- Take it easy now. All right.

All right. -Be brave.

Hang on to the
side of the building.

- I am! -Be brave!
- Be careful, be careful!

Yes, now she's going
around the corner.

Now she... oh, she's right...
She's, she's over by the window.

- Oh.
- She's going in.

She got into the next apartment.

Oh, thank heavens, we're saved.

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh! It's locked!

Same apartment, huh?

Yes.

Well, we'll just have to stay
here till Monday, I guess.

Oh, no!

Now, ladies, let's be
realistic about this situation.

Now, our main problem
is sustenance, right?

- Right. -Right.
- Well, now, we will survive,

but we may have to go
without food for a few days.

So I suggest that we forget

completely about food.

Agreed?

- Agreed, yes.
- Agreed?

- Agreed.
- Good.

- Except for one thing.
- What's that?

I'm still hungry.

Mrs. Carmichael, we are
not going to talk about food,

we are not even going
to think about food.

And don't you complain!

Because, after
all, it's your fault

that we're in this pickle.

A pickle. A dill pickle!

- With corned beef on rye!
- Oh, yes, yes! Pie à la mode!

Oh! With strawberry shortcake!

Ladies, ladies, now, ladies,

will you please,
please, please, please!

Ladies! You must
control yourself!

And whipped cream
- Ladies, ladies,

- all over everything.
- Control yourselves!

- Ah, well...
- Now, ladies,

I suggest that we thoroughly
search this apartment...

Corned beef on rye, oh...

We better search this
apartment completely

and see if we can find something

that will help us get out
of here and be rescued.

Oh, that's a very good idea.

Yes, all right, now, let's
see what we can find.

What can we find
in here to help us?

- What could we find? Yes.
- Well, now, here's a hammer!

Here's a hammer.

A lot of dirty old brushes.

Oh, here's a can of paint!

- Yeah, you might...
- Putty!

Is that any good?

No. Putty. No.

What can we do?

- We could hit the wall.
- Mm-hmm.

I found an apple!

- An apple!
- I found an apple!

A workman left an apple!

Oh, isn't it beautiful!

Oh, it's a lovely, red apple!

Oh, yes! Come on, let's eat it!

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

That may have to
last us for three days.

- Now, I'll take charge of it.
- Oh, no, you don't.

You just want it for yourself.

Well, how can you say
that, Mrs. Carmichael?!

- Because it's true, that's why!
- Oh, now, you know that I...

You're not gonna
have it! Here, Countess!

Would you stop it?!

- Countess...
- Give it here, Countess!

Throw it again!

Aah!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

You're gonna eat
it all by yourself!

Please!

Please! Heavens to Betsy!

Now, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

- What are you gonna do?
- I'm going to put this apple

right here on top of
this barrel, in plain sight,

and nobody takes a
bite until I give the word.

I am putting us all on our
honor not to touch that apple

until breakfast time
tomorrow morning.

Now, then... I suggest
that we all get some rest.

Well, I'm hungry.

Mrs. Carmichael,
the more we sleep,

the less we'll eat.

Now, then, I will go
into the bedroom there,

and you, Countess...

may have the bed.

Oh, thank you.

- Bon soir.
- Bon soir.

- What is the matter, Lucy?
- Well, I can't sleep.

All I can think about
is that apple over there.

We can't touch that
apple until breakfast.

We gave our word.

I think he's sleepwalking.

Well, look where he's headed...

Right for our breakfast.

Maybe he's faking.

There's one way to find out.

Putty.

Boy, he's sleeping, all right.

I really think he's enjoying it.

How about that!

I saw it first!

Mmm!

You sure you don't want
breakfast, Mr. Mooney?

I'm not hungry.

I woke up this morning

with the strangest taste
of putty in my mouth.

- Putty, huh?
- Yeah.

Oh, we've got
to get out of here.

Now, everybody think!

Oh, if I only had some rope!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, suicide
is a coward's way out!

I didn't mean that!

If we had some rope,

you could lower me
to the apartment below.

Oh, you mean you'd let us
lower you from the 18th floor?

Well, if we had some rope,

- I would do that, because - Oh, how...
- Here.

Then we'd...

Why didn't I keep
my big mouth shut?

I think you're a very
brave man, Mr. Mooney.

- I-I'm not so bra...
- So do I, Mr. Mooney.

Tie a good knot.

Are you sure that
rope's strong enough?

- Lucy, tie a very good knot.
- Yes.

18 floors! I mean, I...
Well, you mean, I, uh...

Do you really think
I ought to do this?

You're very, very brave.

I... I... oh, I...

All right, Mr. Mooney,

- go ahead.
- Go ahead, Mr. Mooney.

We have a hold of you.

You won't let go, now!

You won't... aah! Aah!

Ooh! Oh, oh, easy, easy, easy.

Go down easy, easy... easy...

ea... sy.

Oh, oh, come on down lower.

Lower. Lower.

That's too far!

Oh! Oh... hold it!

Perfect. Hold it, hold it.

What's going on in here?

Well, we've been
showing the apartment.

Oh, but I've already
leased it to this gentleman.

Oh, no!

Come on. Come on.

Bring him up.

Mr. Mooney...

Mr. Mooney, I'm afraid we
have very bad news for you.

This apartment
is already rented.

Yeah, but don't worry, I'll find
you something else, Mr. Mooney.

First you'll have to find me!

Aah! Mr. Mooney!

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