The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 4, Episode 4 - Lucy and Joan - full transcript

Lucy's neighbor Joan, an actress, gives her a pair of tickets to a celebrity charity ball. Since Lucy doesn't have a date to escort her to the event, Joan helps her woo handsome Brad Collins who also lives in the complex. The gals...

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Starring Lucille Ball.

- Oh, sir. Sir.
- Yeah?

Uh... could you help me, please?

Oh! Of course, sure.

I got my heel stuck
in here, and I...

Oh, I'd be glad to. Here,
just hang onto those, will you?

- Okay.
- Let's see, now.

- Oh, yeah, this one, huh?
- Yes.

- All right. Hang on.
- Thank you. Oh.

Boy, that's really in there.



I can't understand why
they have chairs like this

when they know people
have to get their mail.

What?

Well, you see, I-I had the
mailman put my mail up here,

under this green flowerpot,

because I lost my mailbox key.

- There.
- Okay.

Thank you very much.

Oh, the heel broke off.

- Here it is.
- Oh, good heavens.

Well, thank you very much...

- You're welcome.
- Mr., uh, Collins.

Thank you, thank you.

My... must be nice to get so
much mail with your name on it.



But doesn't everybody's
mail have their name on it?

Well, most of mine
just says "occupant."

Well, at least they could say

"to the occupant
with the pretty legs."

Oh. Oh...

Oh, thank you.

I'm sure a lot of the occupants
have better-looking legs

than I have, but that's
a very nice thing to say.

No wonder you're so popular.

Oh, well, I don't usually
get this much mail.

- No?
- No. It happens to be my birthday.

Oh! Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

And, uh, I have a T.L. for you.

Oh? What's that?

I can't believe
it's your birthday!

Why not?

Well, you don't look old enough
to be having another birthday.

I don't look how old?

Oh, what's the difference,
so long as you don't look it?

Well, I, um... I'd
better be going along.

Oh. I hope you don't
have too far to go.

How's that?

I say, I hope you
don't have too far to go.

Oh, no, I just live three
doors down and one flight up.

- Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes?

I live downstairs.
I'm Joan Brenner.

Oh, well...

I found your mailbox key.

Oh, thank you so much.
Won't you come in?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, it's so nice of
you to bring it to me.

You know, I've lost two
of these things already.

- I've lost three.
- Really?

- Yes!
- Oh, we're going to get along fine.

- Please sit down.
- Thank you.

You know, you
look very familiar.

Have I met you someplace before?

Could be. I've got a
lot of mileage on me.

Ha. Well, you
certainly look familiar.

Maybe you've seen me in
the movies; I work in pictures.

Really? You're a movie star?

Oh, I just play bit parts.

In fact, if you watched the
late late movie last night,

I was in it.

You were? I saw it.

I don't remember seeing...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Do like this...

- Like this?
- Yeah.

Now, hold it.

Yeah!

Yeah, now I recognize you.

You do?

Yeah. You see, there's something
the matter with my picture tube,

and everybody
comes out lopsided.

Oh, you were just
great in that movie.

Oh, wait till I write
my friends back East

to tell them that I know
someone who works in pictures.

I'd hate to tell you how
long ago I made that picture.

Oh, you couldn't have
been around so very long.

I saw Phil Harris
take his first drink.

Would you like some coffee?

- Oh, that'd be lovely.
- Okay.

- Cream and sugar?
- No, just black, thank you.

All righty.

Now, tell me about you.

Oh, well, I've been out
here about three weeks.

I... am a widow, from Danfield.

I have a daughter
in college up North,

and I have a son
in military school.

Is that all?

Yes, that's my life
story, dull as it is.

It's not exactly the life
they lead in Peyton Place,

but it's mine.

Well, now that you're out here,

your life should
be more exciting,

and little Joanie's going
to do something about that.

Have you heard about the
Screen Arts Charity Ball?

Oh, yeah, I read about that

in Hedda Hopper's
column this morning.

She said that Dean
Martin and Frank Sinatra

and Debbie Reynolds
and Cary Grant

and, oh, just about
every big star in Hollywood

was going to be there tonight.

Yeah, but not this star.

I've got a 6:00 a.m.
call in the morning.

I'd like you to take
these two tickets,

and have a good time.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, but I couldn't accept.

Why not?

Well, um, a lady can't go

to a glamorous affair
like this unescorted.

All that red hair,
and no men friends?

Well, I...

I just haven't had much
time to meet people out here.

Although...

I did meet a very nice man
by the mailbox this morning.

A Mr. Collins.

Collins? What does he look like?

Well, he's about six feet
two, and he's very handsome,

and he's a year
older than he looks.

Come again?

Well, today's his birthday.

How'd you find that out?

Well, he got a lot of
cards and stuff, you know.

Is he a bachelor?

Uh, yes, I'm sure
he's not married.

How do you know that?

Well, because when
he had hold of my leg,

he didn't keep looking around
to see if anybody was looking.

When he had hold of your leg?

Well, yeah, you see...

Honey, this Danfield
you come from,

how close is it to Peyton Place?

You better let me explain, now.

You see, the mailman put my
letter up under the flowerbox,

and I got up on this iron
grilled thing that they have

down there, and my
heel got wedged in there,

and then... Mr. Collins
came along, and, well, he...

well, it's just one
of those stories.

You had to be there.

I dig the scene.

Say, why don't you ask him
to go to the party with you?

Oh, I don't know him well enough

to ask him to take
me out anyplace.

Then you'll just have
to run into him again,

and get to know him better.

How?

It just so happens that today

is Bachelor Day
in the laundry room.

And at 5:00, they gather

like a herd of buffalo
around a watering hole.

Really?

- Yes.
- So?

So, when Mr. Collins arrives,

who does he run
into with her laundry,

but the vivacious redhead
from apartment 2B!

But I already did my laundry.

Well...

we could dirty some.

Oh, boy, we're going
to get along great!

Is this the watering hole?

Yep, and that's the herd.

Hiya, fellas!

Hi, Joanie.

I don't see Mr. Collins around.

Oh, don't worry, he'll be here.

Gee, I feel kind of
funny about this, Joan.

I feel like a B-girl
in the laundry.

Don't be silly.

Well, I guess it is respectable.

Sneaky, but respectable.

Remember, I have everything
in this bag to help you.

There's nothing like
a woman's touch.

Sew on his missing button.

Suppose he doesn't
have a button missing?

I'm ready for that, too.

Oh! Talk about being prepared.

You must've had
Boy Scout training.

I've been scouting
boys for years.

You know, one thing bothers me.

He knows my name
is Mrs. Carmichael.

He might think
I'm still married.

Oh, don't worry. I'll
tell him you're a widow.

I'll just slip it into
the conversation.

Oh. All right. You'll
do it very casually?

- Of course!
- Okay.

Hiya, Brad!

Hello, fellow members of
the Rub, Tub, and Scrub Club.

Oh, play the deuce,
Bill, play the deuce.

Hi. I'm Joan Brenner.

And you must be the
Mr. Collins that just moved in here.

- Yes, I am, how do you do?
- How do you do?

I've got a girlfriend who
just moved in here, too.

Oh?

Mr. Collins, meet the
Widow Carmichael.

Oh! Mrs. Carmichael
and I have met.

Oh, yes! Now I remember.

Oh, yes, we... we
met by the mailbox.

And now we're meeting
at the watering hole...

I mean, in the laundry.

Cut it out, Bill.

Quit peeking
through the discard.

You're cheating.

I hope there's not
going to be a fight.

Oh, they never fight.

They always argue that way.

Must be pretty high-stakes.
What do they play for?

To see who does the ironing.

Hurry up.

Did you find it?

Shh! Be quiet.

- Can't find it.
- Go, go...

Oh! My goodness, a button!

- It must be from a man's shirt.
- Oh, yeah?

Uh, maybe it's from
your shirt, Mr. Collins.

I, I was just looking here.

- Well, let's have a look.
- Does it match?

Well, that button is off
my shirt. Sure, it matches.

- Oh.
- This is the one.

Well, don't you
worry about a thing.

I just happen to have a
needle and thread here.

I'll be glad to
sew it on for you.

Well, thanks a lot, but I... I
really don't have much time.

Oh, well, you just go right
ahead with your laundry

and after I sew the
button on your shirt,

I'll put it in with my laundry.

Well, I-I don't want to impose.

Oh, that's all right.

I, I don't mind your
laundry and my laundry

going around together.

Well, I'd be very obliged.

Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Boy, they make these
holes smaller every year.

- Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes?

I... I don't know
how to thank you.

Oh, that's all right.

Just consider it a,
a birthday present.

And a very useful one!

- Yeah...
- Oh!

It's your birthday!

Yes.

My, it must be lonely, being
away from home on your birthday.

Well, I was never very
sentimental about birthdays.

I am.

You're like my mother.

I am?

No, no, I-I mean
about birthdays.

Oh...

Every birthday, she
baked my favorite cake...

A three-layer banana cream.

A three-layer banana cream?

Yeah.

Just thinking about
it and I gain weight.

Uh, Mr. Collins, uh,

are you going out someplace
tonight and celebrate?

Oh, no. No, I-I don't
like to go out on nights

before I have an
early morning flight.

Oh, are you a pilot?

- Yeah.
- Oh, he's a pilot.

Yeah, I gotta get
out to the airport

and check on my
flight plan for tomorrow.

That's why I'm in a hurry
to get this laundry done.

Oh, well, Mr. Collins,
you just go right ahead.

I'll be very happy to take
care of your laundry for you.

- Really?
- Sure.

Oh, well, thanks so much.

Look, just... just
stack it up someplace.

- Uh-huh.
- I'll be back in a couple of hours,

and-and-and use the
dryers when they're not busy.

Oh, that's fine. Don't
you worry about a thing.

I'll take care of it for you.

I'll stack it all
up on the sink.

Oh, thanks a lot. Bye.

Bye.

Lucy! -What?

Why didn't you ask
him to the ball tonight?

Well, I didn't have time.

Besides, I don't feel that
I know him well enough

to ask him for a date.

I know how you can
get to know him better.

How?

Remember that bit about the
mother and the birthday cake?

Yeah.

Well, while he's gone,
you bake a birthday cake.

And when he comes back,
you give him a surprise party.

A surprise party?

Yes, we'll ask the gang
and have it right here.

In the laundry room?

Sure. With a little decorating,

I can make this look
like Laundry a Go-Go.

Hey, that might work.

Did he say a three-layer
banana cream?

- Yes.
- I gotta get to the market.

- I got a lot to do.
- Okay, let's go...

Oh, gee, these California
markets are attractive.

Never mind that. Let's
get the shopping done.

Give me half the list.

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh!

Uh... I couldn't help it.

The cart was stuck.

You women drivers
are just as bad indoors.

Oh, are these the
big potato chips?

Not anymore.

Here, I-I don't... I
don't like the little ones.

Let's see here.

"Two pounds of bananas."

Here they are.

Oh, they look nice.

Here's the sugar and
the baking powder.

I'll get the flour and vanilla.

Okay. Now nutmeg,
nutmeg. There it is.

And milk, milk,
milk, milk, milk, milk.

I got the flour and the vanilla.

I'll get the cream and butter.

All right. I have to get
the little birthday candles.

Shh!

Birthday candles,
birthday candles.

Oh, pardon me,
sir, could you tell me

where there are some
little birthday candles?

Yes, you'll find them
next to the frozen foods.

Oh, thank you very much.

You certainly have a nice mar...

You again!

I'm awfully sorry.

I-I'm looking for
the frozen foods.

Could you tell me where to go?

Lady, nothing would
freeze where I tell you to go.

I said I was sorry.

Really.

Here's the cream and the butter.

- All right, where do we go now?
- Let's go over there.

Okay.

Just our luck, only
one check stand open.

Oh, there's one.

Oh, I'll have to go back
and get this check okayed.

- Excuse me.
- Oh.

Ooh!

There's one over there.

Sorry, lady, I gotta
get some change.

Oh.

Oh, here he comes back.

There you are. Thank you.

My cart!

Give me that cart!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, for heaven's...

We'll never get out of here
in time to bake that cake.

Maybe he'll have to
come here and eat it.

Oh, mister, I only have a
jar of, uh, uh, mustard here.

Oh, uh, just one item.

Let her through, folks.

I just have the exact change.

- Oh, fine. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Sir, I just have one item.

Oh, one item. Let
her through, folks.

Yes. Thank you very much.

I just have some bananas.

The lady only has one item.
You mind letting her through?

I got the right change.
Thank you very much.

Sir, I just have one item, sir.

- Oh, just one item?
- Yes.

Mind letting the lady through?

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Come on. Mind letting
the lady through?

Hey, fellas, get a
load of this cake!

Wowee!

Never mind the
cake. How do I look?

Beautiful!

- Sensational!
- Sensational!

Rita Hayworth once
wore this dress in a movie.

Rita Hayworth?

Yeah. Didn't she, Joan?

Yes, she gave it to me
when I was a size ten.

What's she all done up for?

She's going to the
ball later on tonight.

- Oh...
- Hey, he just drove up!

- Oh...
- All right, everybody's gotta hide!

- Everybody hide!
- I gotta hide the cake!

Lucy, hide!

- Lucy, hide!
- Yeah, I'm trying to hide.

- Hurry!
- Where am I gonna go?

- Can I get in?
- No!

- This is my place!
- Okay, ok...!

Where am I gonna hide?!

Under the table!

Under the table?

Oh, hurry, Lucy!

- Hurry!
- I don't think Rita Hayworth ever tried

to hide under a
table in this dress.

Surprise!

Happy Birthday!

What's, what's going on here?

Mrs. Carmichael told
us it's your birthday.

- Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yeah.

Well, where is she?

Surprise.

Why, Mrs. Carmichael!

- Mr. Collins.
- Huh...

Uh, the Widow Carmichael
planned this whole thing.

Really? This is wonderful!

Would somebody please
help the Widow Carmichael up?

Here we go. There we are.

Oh, thank you very much.

Ooh!

Mrs. Carmichael, I'm
really very touched.

Oh, oh, that's all right.

Come on, everybody,
let's celebrate!

Turn the music on.

We got music? Oh, wonderful!

Balloons...

Isn't it great?

I'm glad that you like it.

- I don't know...
- I don't know, either.

I'm going like this...

- I don't really know how to do it.
- Oh...

♪♪

This is called the Jerk.

And the Swim.

♪♪

Oh, no! You didn't!
You didn't! Not in there!

- What?
- Not in there!

- What?
- You didn't!

Oh, dear, I put...

- Huh?
- I put... I...

- What's the matter with you?
- I put a cake in there!

A cake?

Yes, I-I baked your
cake for your birthday,

and I wanted to surprise you.

Well, you certainly did.

It was a three-layer
banana cream,

just like your
mother used to make.

Very good!

- Save the neck for me!
- I'll take a sleeve.

Come on, gang! Have some!

Oh, gee.

I'm so sorry I
spoiled your laundry.

Well, I'm awfully sorry
I spoiled your surprise.

Here's another surprise for you.

Oh, Happy Birthday.

"The Screen Arts Charity Ball"?

Tonight?

Yeah, it doesn't
start till 9:00.

Hey, and two tickets!
Why, this is wonderful!

Yes, I... I thought maybe
you'd like to take someone.

And all... all my favorite
stars are gonna be there:

- Dean Martin.
- Really?

Frank Sinatra, Debbie
Reynolds, Cary Grant, and...

- Oh, just everybody, and they're
gonna have a big -Brad? Brad?

- Orchestra.
- Brad!

Mom!

- Happy Birthday, darling.
- Oh, Mom!

I baked your cake.

A cake! How about that?

Oh, oh, gang, gang, I-I
want you to meet my mother.

- How do you do?
- Hi, Mrs. Collins.

How do you do?

Oh, I am so glad that you're
not alone on your birthday.

Oh, we wouldn't let
that happen to him.

Oh, now you go on, you, all of
you just have a wonderful time.

Go on. I... I think I'll
go upstairs and rest.

Rest, nothing!

Mom, I got news for you.
You are going to swing tonight!

Mrs. Carmichael here
gave me two tickets

to a charity ball.

All the Hollywood stars
are gonna be there!

Aren't they?

Yeah.

Why, you'll see Cary
Grant and Dean Martin

and Frank Sinatra...

- And...
- Frankie!

Oh, I love Frankie boy.

Well, Mom, you're gonna
see your Frankie boy tonight.

Isn't she?

I guess so, yes.

Come on, Mom, we
better get into our glad rags.

- Let's go.
- All right.

Oh, wait a minute. Look,
gee, I... it doesn't seem right

running out on my
own party like this.

Oh, that's all right.
We're cutting out, anyway.

- Oh, really, are you?
- Come on, gang!

- Well, listen, thanks.
- Happy Birthday.

- Thanks a lot. See ya later.
- Happy Birthday.

- Happy Birthday.
- So long. Take it easy.

That's awful nice.
Come on, Mom, let's go!

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Gee, I, I forgot something.

Who?

I-I don't have a clean
dress shirt to wear tonight.

Oh. Oh, well, y-you just
run along and get dressed,

and I'll wash and
iron your shirt for you.

What a lovely girl.

Yeah. And she's
got pretty legs, too.

Come on, Mom.

Here, I'll take the cake.

You sure do!

Gee, Lucy, I'm sorry.

Well, maybe someday
my son will pass up a girl

with pretty legs
and take me out.

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